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I think of NVC as the path of the peaceful warrior - a yoga or martial art of
communication, that supports me in listening and relating to myself and others in a way
that evokes compassion and connection. Through NVC I have become more aware of my
feelings and resources, like autonomy, authenticity and many others. I have become
conscious about making choices and making requests. I have experienced a quality of
connection that opens the heart, and fills it with deep gratitude.
2. How do you define empathy? What does it mean to communicate with empathy?
What hinders us in listening with empathy is that we tend to lose the awareness of
our borders, and get caught in each other's emotional turbulence. Thus, our habitual
reaction to other people's reality is sympathy or antipathy. Sympathy is saying “yes” to
other people's reactions, and losing our own center. For example if I react to someone's
miserable expressions like this: “Oh, my darling, I am so sad for you. They should have
behaved differently with you.” Or if I get lost in other people's blaming, e.g. “Oh, I am so
sorry, I am so silly, I should have known better.” Antipathy on the other hand, is resisting
the situation, disconnecting from the feelings and having expectations of the other. I am
reacting with antipathy when I say things like - “Stop making a fuss. This is not such a big
thing. You should have known better anyway. It is your fault. When I get in such
situations, I stand up for myself. Your are too weak.” etc.
As individual beings we need to be capable of two different functions. One is to
detach ourselves from our surroundings composing a closed, inner world. The other is to
maintain a continuous connection with the outside world responding to its impacts either
protecting ourselves or assimilating its impulses – and growing from both.
Empathy serves this dual capacity making us unique individuals who are in
interconnection with the outside world. It is the consciousness of saying “yes” to people's
experience, taking part in the emotions, yet at the same time holding the poise of the
witness, and holding the space for the emotions to flow freely. Speaking with empathy
might sound like this, “I hear how painful it is for you, and how much you would have liked
understanding and a different treatment.”
When we respond with sympathy or antipathy the other person either shuts down or
tries to defend him/herself. These reactions do not help any of us in seeing the situation
clearly, and do not nourish our connection either. When we connect in empathy, emotions
like pain and grief are allowed to come up, and we are not alone with it any more. We have
someone who understands and helps us in seeing clearly, integrating what is in our heart
and liberating ourselves.
5. It seems that NVC can help us overcome aggression, and gives us a path to better
mutual understanding. Is it possible to be in a situation where using the methods of NVC is
impossible?
NVC is a path of inner growth. The key is learning to look at both parties with
compassion – without the preconception of what is “good or right... bad or wrong”. It is
easy to feel compassion for a victim. Yet, NVC gives the tools for turning to what is human
and vulnerable in the aggressor as well. Once I am able to look at the feelings and needs
captured in aggression I have more chance to engage in empathic connection in any
challenging situation. I can learn a lot about myself and others through facing someone on
the aggressive side. I can learn from the “mistakes” I make.
I trust that there is no situation where using NVC is impossible. I might not be able
to address the “aggressor” directly, but even if I do the “empathy work” within – that is
giving empathy to myself first, and then the “aggressor” - my behavior towards them will
be rooted in peace and compassion, and it will have a powerful healing effect on the
situation. I do trust that empathy offered and received is never lost, but many times it
might take time for the seed sown to yield fruit.
7. What makes us aggressive? Is anger something bad that we should try to suppress?
We have learnt to punish ourselves and others. Punishment gives rise to punishment
on the other side. If we punish a child he or she will punish back – and as this is multiplied
back and forth, it becomes the keynote not only in the parent-child relationship but
extensively. Anger is a “package” of feelings like frustration, helplessness, pain, fear, etc.
9. You’ve got very rich experience as a trainer. What is the most difficult situation
you’ve been in during the trainings?
Yes, I have very rich experience – through facing challenging situations and making
a lot of eye-opening mistakes. In the past 15 years I have been practicing and teaching
what I have been eager to learn myself. I have grown a lot through overcoming my
habitual urge to “fight or flight”... recognizing when something is painful, and speaking
up... facing my quiet, little judgmental thoughts... and acting on my need for authenticity.
Everyday situations offer plenty of learning. The other day I met with someone
whose words and behavior stimulated judgments in me, like “she is false, untruthful – and
I am missing authenticity”. I said nothing, and we soon said goodbye. I have learnt a lot
about myself afterwards. I realized how my own behavior was lacking authenticity, when I
missed communicating and connecting. Next time I would like to look at her guessing how
she feels and what quality of connection she needs. I hope to engage in intimate mutual
sharing, to create the quality of connection in which we can both be true to ourselves.
10. You are using different methods and techniques to help people extend their inner
limits. Can you give us an example about how this works?
11. I guess that the most common criticism of this method (NVC) is that since human
beings are emotional and always in a hurry, we may not be able to control the way we
speak all the time. Or can we?
In our daily life we tend to get lost in the emotions, and act in a hurry from a very
disturbed mind-set creating situations we regret afterwards. With the regular practice of
NVC first we can train ourselves to “clean up the mess” we have created. That is, we can
search within to find what went wrong, what quality of connection we would really like, and
how we would like to act to resolve the situation. Perhaps we can share this with someone
who can support our clarity, and eventually we can share it with the person we have been
in conflict with.
With inner training we remember to keep quiet in situations when we cannot speak
peace, and work through our emotional confusion individually. With growing inner focus
and ease we can learn to speak in congruence with our values in challenging situations.
When we learn a new language we carefully control the way we utter the words.
Similarly, when we train ourselves to use the language of compassion we tend to monitor
how we express ourselves. With time and practice technique and language becomes
secondary, what matters is inner peace, the readiness to express ourselves honestly, the
12. What kind of results can we expect after developing skills for Nonviolent
Communication? Are there some “side effects”?
When we start learning NVC, we usually wish and expect to talk “perfectly” right
away. However, with the depth of experience lacking behind the technique people will
usually disapprove and challenge our “new way of talking”. I find that it is best to keep
quiet about our NVC studies, and protect it – very much like a pregnant woman protects
the baby in her womb. The image is very appropriate, as life's cycles include periods of
incubation – winter, night, the life of a seed in the earth, a foetus in the womb, etc. A skill
takes time to evolve.
In time we learn to keep quiet when words hurt, to ask for time out when we need
to withdraw, and process a difficult or painful situation by ourselves. We are able to
confront our own thinking, and realize how destructive judgments and expectations of
others are. We realize that we cannot change others but ourselves, which is both a
humbling and empowering realization! We develop autonomy, and it is easier to say “no”
when we mean “no”, and “yes” when we mean “yes”. We develop the courage and
authenticity to stay open and awake to our feelings in the midst of confusion and pain. We
develop trust and confidence in pulling ourselves out of depression or anger with the
capacity of turning around and seeing the beauty of our values. We develop gratitude for
what is alive in us and others. Understanding ourselves more and more we develop
compassion for others, even if they say things and behave in ways we do not like. We
develop the capacity to connect intimately to ourselves and others, and experience
moments of peace and wonder.
13. Marshal Rosenberg is saying (in his book about NVC at school) that NVC is working
well, but it should not only be used in isolated communities, because it will make children
incapable of living by the standards of the competitive, dog-eat-dog world around them. Is
it possible to live in a world of empathy rather than a world of aggression and competition,
or is this just Utopia?
14. Who is more interested in NVC – people who can’t control their own feelings or
people who need to protect themselves better?
I believe people who are ready to take responsibility for their lives, and put energy
into continuous learning and growth.
15. Is there a person who is not persuadable/manageable with the methods of the
Nonviolent Communication?
Yes, there are people who are not yet open to NVC. And there is a growing number
of people who feel an inner nudge to have meaningful connections and live
compassionately. A lot depends on people who are already involved in practicing NVC. I am
grateful when people feel encouraged by our way of living. I find that NVC is contagious.
16. Do you use the NVC method in your everyday life, in your family?
Yes, NVC is an integral part of our life. I have changed a lot since I have discovered
NVC, and so has my family. It does not mean that we have no conflicts. I believe, conflict
is part of life, part of learning and growing. It can sometimes be painful too. But with a
steady intent of connecting, taking responsibility for ourselves, and turning to each other
with compassion our connection is alive and intimate.
Some six years ago my daughter said, “I will only join your trainings if I see you
change. A few months later she joined my “co-trainer” training, and now she also teaches
NVC. My middle son and daughter-in-law also run NVC practice groups. My younger son is
also involved. And I am grateful for the wonderful changes in my relationship with my
mother.
The more I love myself the more beautiful my relationships are.
People who have doubts about NVC, people who live with primary interest in
material success might have their good reason. They probably have their own history in
living as they do. Many times their objection is based on some experience that turns them
away from NVC. When I meet them I am interested in hearing what they have to say, and
listening to what feelings and needs are alive in them. If they are interested in the feelings
and values that are alive in me I am be happy to share it with them. Hearing each other
might be valuable and inspiring for both of us.