POR QU SIEMPRE ELIJO A LA PERSONA EQUIVOCADA?

Fragmento de mi libro Dinmicas en las Relaciones Hombre-Mujer

A menudo me hacen esta pregunta en mltiples variantes (jug conmigo, d todo y no lo valor).
Si alguna vez has pensado o experimentado algo as, la respuesta ms simple, es que has desarrollado
un apego txico. No existe una solucin mgica ni inmediata para este problema, aunque existe una
alternativa efectiva y permanente: necesitas consultar a un profesional para aprender a deshacerte
de l.

El apego es el vnculo emocional que tpicamente se forma entre el beb y su cuidador. Este es el
medio por el cual un infante desamparado obtiene la satisfaccin de sus necesidades primarias. Luego
se convierte en el motor de su posterior desarrollo social, emocional y cognitivo. La experiencia
temprana del beb estimula el crecimiento de las vas neuronales que esculpirn patrones duraderos
de respuesta a muchas cosas.

El propsito del sistema de apego es proporcionar el primer sistema de adaptacin del beb;
establece en su mente una representacin mental del cuidador, una que es totalmente porttil y
puede ser invocada como una presencia mental reconfortante en momentos difciles. Debido a que le
permite separarse del cuidador sin angustia y comenzar a explorar el mundo que le rodea, el apego
proporciona la plataforma para la capacidad del nio para sobrevivir de manera independiente.

La experiencia de apego afecta el desarrollo de la personalidad, particularmente el sentido de

seguridad de quienes somos, lo cual INFLUYE EN LA CAPACIDAD DE FORMAR RELACIONES ESTABLES
DURANTE TODA LA VIDA. Los neurocientficos creen que el apego es una necesidad tan primordial
que hay redes de neuronas en el cerebro dedicadas a ponerlo en movimiento y una hormona para
fomentar el proceso: la oxitocina.

APEGO INSEGURO IGUAL A RELACIONES ADULTAS TXICAS

La falta de transparencia genera desconfianza y una profunda sensacin de inseguridad. Dalai Lama
Los estilos de apego se desarrollan dentro del contexto de tus relaciones ms tempranas... las que
tienes con tus padres o tu cuidador principal. De acuerdo con la teora del apego, estas relaciones
formativas sirven como la base desde la cual t desarrollas una comprensin de cmo funcionan las
relaciones, qu esperar de otras personas, y qu tan seguro te sientes dentro de un contexto
relacional.

Una forma de pensar sobre la forma en que los estilos de apego afectan las relaciones adultas, es
imaginar tu estilo de apego como el lente a travs del cual ves las relaciones. Si ese lente est
borroso o rayado, es comprensible que la forma en que experimentas e interpretas las situaciones
interpersonales, sea un poco distorsionada. Por esta razn, nuestros apegos revelan nuestros temores
ms profundos, empezando por el miedo a perder
Desarrollo de Estilo de Apego
Los estilos de apego no se desarrollan simplemente de la noche a la maana. Es poco probable que
unos pocos encuentros realmente positivos o negativos con tus padres o cuidadores principales
tengan un gran impacto. Es a travs de interacciones repetitivas, percibidas como frustrantes o
gratificantes, que los estilos de apego toman forma. Si los nios aprenden que sus figuras de apego
son inconsistentes, negligentes, no confiables, o abusivas, pueden correr un mayor riesgo de
desarrollar un estilo de apego inseguro. Por otro lado, si los nios aprenden que sus padres
generalmente estn disponibles, estn emocionalmente sintonizados y generalmente responden a sus
necesidades, es ms probable que desarrollen un estilo de apego seguro.

Los nios sienten un impulso intrnseco para buscar la proximidad y vincularse con su cuidador
principal. Esta es una estrategia de supervivencia altamente adaptativa que idealmente conduce a la
capacidad del nio para manejar el estrs, explorar el mundo sin temor excesivo y desarrollar un
sentido coherente de s mismo en relacin con los dems.

Sin embargo, cuando la relacin con una figura de apego primario no proporciona suficiente
estructura, seguridad o sintona emocional, los nios pueden ser ms propensos a desarrollar un
patrn ansioso, evitativo o temeroso de relacionarse con otras personas. Adems del impacto de los
comportamientos de los padres sobre el estilo de apego, el temperamento innato de un nio juega un
papel importante en la formacin del vnculo de apego.

Las consecuencias emocionales, psicolgicas y sociales de un estilo de apego inseguro incluyen:

1. MANTENER UNA POSTURA INSEGURA EN LA RELACIN CON LOS DEMS, alternando entre
SENTIRSE EN MUCHA NECESIDAD de compaa algunas veces y otras veces rechazado, a
menudo como resultado de una figura parental que es constantemente inconsistente o
impredecible.
2. DESCONECTARSE Y VOLVERSE EMOCIONALMENTE DISTANTE EN LAS RELACIONES, a menudo
como resultado del aprendizaje de que las primeras figuras de apego no estn dispuestas o
son incapaces de satisfacer las necesidades bsicas.
3. VOLVERSE AGRESIVO, ERRTICO O IRRITABLE, a veces como resultado del comportamiento
de los padres que el nio percibe como desorientador, abusivo o atemorizante.
4. RETRASO EN LOS PROCESOS NORMATIVOS DE DESARROLLO SOCIAL O COGNITIVO.
CONTINUAR
PAZ
ESTILOS DE APEGO INSEGUROS EN ADULTOS (CONTINA)
Vale la pena sealar que no todos los nios que experimentan una paternidad inadecuada, o incluso
abusiva, llegan a desarrollar un estilo de apego inseguro como adultos... Al igual que no todos los
nios que reciben atencin emocionalmente en sintona, disponible, o responsable, necesariamente
van a desarrollar un estilo de apego seguro como adultos. No hay garantas, pero existen factores de
riesgo y factores de proteccin que pueden ejercer una influencia significativa en el apego. Adems, el
impacto de los comportamientos de los padres no debe subestimarse en la medida en que
representen un modelo inicial fundamental del cual a menudo se redactan y construyen las relaciones
futuras.

Los dos estilos primarios de apego inseguros incluyen:

Apego Evitativo
Las personas con altos niveles de evitamiento relacionado con el apego tienden a ser
EMOCIONALMENTE DISTANTES o evitan las conexiones emocionales con otras personas. Algunas
veces, este tipo de apego inseguro puede manifestarse como independencia o autosuficiencia
aparentes; aunque a menudo existe una creencia central dentro de la persona de que los dems son
poco confiables o incapaces de satisfacer sus necesidades.

Estos adultos pueden haber crecido con padres muy crticos o distantes (fsica, psicolgica o
emocionalmente). En algunos casos, el apego evitativo puede en realidad servir como una defensa
adaptativa contra la angustia o el dolor intenso.

Apego Ansioso
Los adultos con altos niveles de ansiedad relacionada con el apego tienen una tendencia a cambiar
entre sentimientos de inseguridad/ansiedad y controlar/culpar en relaciones cercanas. Este patrn de
relacin puede hacer que el individuo se comporte de forma errtica o imprevisible, lo que puede
causar angustia a ambas partes. Irnicamente, comportarse de maneras tan contradictorias
(acercarse a alguien en un minuto y apartarlo al siguiente) puede provocar el mismo resultado que a
menudo es ms temido: perder la relacin.

Esta profeca autocumplida puede dejar al adulto ansiosamente apegado, sintindose justificado en
sus creencias centrales acerca de los dems, a menudo como resultado de una paternidad
inconsistente. Por ejemplo, puede haber tenido padres que se comportaron de manera inconsistente,
alternando entre sobreproteccin y falta de proteccin, o que fueron inapropiadamente intrusivos.
Cuando reflexionas sobre tus experiencias de la primera infancia y la adolescencia con tus padres,
qu pensamientos y emociones surgen? Es completamente natural que las relaciones que tengas
con tus padres establezcan el escenario para lo que esperas, e incluso buscas, en tus relaciones
cercanas como adulto. La idea detrs de descubrir tu propio estilo de apego no es sentir que hay algo
"incorrecto" en ti. Lejos de eso. Este tipo de autoconocimiento puede proporcionarte la clave para
desarrollar un futuro diferente y ms feliz.
Si bien no puedes retroceder en el tiempo y reescribir la historia, puedes asumir la responsabilidad
del poder que tienes ahora, como adulto, para elegir la forma en que vivirs el resto de tu historia.
Ponte a prueba para aplicar una mayor atencin a tus relaciones. Observa cmo las actitudes,
expectativas y comportamientos que elijas pueden invitar o no a la manera en que otros te perciben y
te tratan en las relaciones. Puedes comenzar a construir relaciones sobre una base slida de respeto
mutuo, empata y amabilidad a partir de este momento... sin importar cmo te hayan sentido en el
pasado.
Recuerda practicar la autocompasin y el autocuidado, al mismo tiempo que te retas a t mismo a
salir de tu zona de confort de vez en cuando. Comenzars a sentir la seal de una brjula interna
fuerte, con una intuicin que guiar tus acciones elegidas hacia relaciones ms sanas. Confiar en t
mismo y tratarse a t mismo como digno de amor y respeto puede ser un paso crucial en el camino
hacia el desarrollo de un estilo de apego ms seguro como adulto.

Secure Attachment Style

Those with a strong Secure Attachment Style manifest at least a number of the following traits on a
regular basis:
Higher emotional intelligence. Capable of conveying emotions appropriately and constructively.
Capable of sending, and receiving healthy expressions of intimacy.
Capable of drawing healthy, appropriate and reasonable boundaries when required.
Feel secure being alone as well as with a companion.
Tend to have a positive view of relationships and personal interactions.
More likely to handle interpersonal difficulties in stride. Discuss issues to solve problems, rather than
to attack a person.
Resiliency in the face relational dissolution. Capable of grieving, learning, and moving on.
People with the Secure Attachment Style are not perfect. They too have ups and downs like everyone
else, and can become upset if provoked. Having said this, their overall mature approach to
relationships makes this the healthiest of the four adult attachment styles.
Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style
Those with a strong Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style tend to manifest at least several of the
following traits on a regular basis:
Inclined to feel more nervous and less secure about relationships in general, and romantic
relationships in particular.
Inclined to have many stressors in relationships based on both real and imagined happenings. These
stressors can manifest themselves through a variety of possible issues such as neediness,
possessiveness, jealousy, control, mood swings, oversensitivity, obsessiveness, etc.
Reluctant to give people the benefit of the doubt, tendency for automatic negative thinking when
interpreting others intentions, words, and actions.
Requires constant stroking of love and validation to feel secure and accepted. Responds negatively
when not provided with regular positive reinforcement.
Drama oriented. Constantly working on (sometimes inventing) relationship issues in order to seek
validation, reassurance, and acceptance. Some feel more comfortable with stormy relationships than
calm and peaceful ones.
Dislike being without company. Struggle being by oneself.
History of emotionally turbulent relationships.
For tips on how to successfully relate to those with the Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style, see
my book (click on title): "Communication Success with Four Personality Types."
Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Style
Those with a strong Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Style tend to manifest at least several of the
following traits on a regular basis:
Highly self-directed and self-sufficient. Independent behaviorally and emotionally.
Avoid true intimacy which makes one vulnerable, and may subject the Dismissive-Avoidant to
emotional obligations.
Desire freedom physically and emotionally (No one puts a collar on me. Pushes away those who get
too close (I need room to breathe.)
Other priorities in life often supersede a romantic relationship, such as work, social life, personal
projects and passions, travel, fun, etc. In these situations, the partner is frequently excluded, or holds
only a marginal presence.
Many have commitment issues. Some prefer to be single than to settle down. Even in committed
relationships, they prize autonomy above much else.
May have many acquaintances, but few truly close relationships.
Some may be passive-aggressive and/or narcissistic. For more on these traits see my books (click on
titles): "How to Successfully Handle Passive-Aggressive People" and "How to Successfully Handle
Narcissists."
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style
Those with a strong Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style tend to manifest at least several of the
following traits on a regular basis:
Often associated with highly challenging life experiences such as grief, abandonment and abuse.
Desire but simultaneously resist intimacy. Much inner conflict.
Struggle with having confidence in and relying on others.
Fear annihilation, physically and/or emotionally in loving, intimate situations.
Similar to the Anxious-Preoccupied Style, suspicious of others intentions, words, and actions.
Similar to the Dismissive-Avoidant Style, pushes people away and have few genuinely close
relationships.
As mentioned earlier, most people have various degrees of the four attachment styles, which may
change over time.
Although those who are predominantly the Secure Attachment Style tend to make strong partners, it
is also possible for those who are predominantly the other three styles to be in successful
relationships. Self-awareness, mutual-support, mutual willingness to grow, and courage to seek
professional help when needed are some of the crucial elements to positive relational development.
The absence of these elements, however, may generate issues of incompatibility in relationship.

How Does Your Attachment Style Impact Your Adult Relationships?

You dont really understand human nature unless you know why a child on a merry-go-round will
wave at his parents every time around and why his parents will always wave back. William D.
Tammeus
Your adult attachment style has developed as a result of repetitive interpersonal interactions with
important caregivers or parents as children. These early interactions with significant others result in
the development of expectations for how readily people are capable of meeting your needs and serve
as an emotional blueprint for what to expect from other people. Over time, we begin to develop a
sense of ourselves as an autonomous individual based on feedback and emotional containment from
our caregivers. As adults, we take these attachment styles into our relationships with others, creating
a complex interpersonal dance of emotions, motivations, and expectations.
Secure Attachment Style:
Adults with a secure attachment style tend to value relationships and are able to readily identify
memories and feelings from their childhoods in non-defensive ways. For adults whose childhood held
traumatic memories or unreliable/inconsistent parenting, they can still acquire a secure attachment
style as an adult based on their willingness and ability to work through those unpleasant experiences
and acknowledge their impact. For securely attached adults, they tend to not experience
intense anxiety or fear when loved ones are not readily available, as they trust that they will be there
when they need them. (This is an example of a relationship expectation learned in infancy/childhood.)
As you read the typical statements of adults with each of the four main attachment styles, consider
how these statements were learned in relation to expectations from parents or primary caregivers.
For example, I know [my mom] will be there for me when I need [her].
Typical statements of a secure adult:
I know he will be there for me when I need him.
He is able to comfort me when Im distressed.
I enjoy it when she gets emotionally close, because I feel emotionally close to her.
Dismissive/Avoidant Attachment Style:
A dismissive/avoidant attachment style is often marked by an adults inability to recall many details
about his childhood. For example, when asked about family relationships or childhood, this adult may
respond with a statement similar to, My family my parents I dont know. I dont remember much
about growing up. There may also be a tendency to describe ones parents in either overly idealized
or overly devalued terms seeing them somewhat dichotomously. This attachment style may impact
current adult relationships by the expression of detachment and avoidance of emotional closeness.
There may be great value placed on appearing self-reliant, competent, or independent, since as a
child these individuals learned that showing vulnerability was unacceptable.
Typical statements of a dismissive adult:
I dont care if she doesnt love me / want me.
I dont tell him Im upset because I can take care of my feeling myself.
No problem. Everythings fine.
Preoccupied/Anxious Attachment Style:
A preoccupied or anxious attachment style may manifest itself in an adult appearing to be all caught
up or ensnared in preoccupations about current or past relationships. It is almost as if these
individuals dont have room in their own minds for their own minds they are completely filled with
thoughts about other people and preserving relationships. The central theme of this attachment style
is a fear of losing relationships.
You may guess that this attachment style tends to develop in children whose parents were
inconsistently available or unpredictable. This can leave children feeling preoccupied with how to hold
on to those important relationships, which were perplexing or unstable. Teyber and McClure (2011)
note that many preoccupied [individuals] grew up enmeshed (and often parentified) with an
unpredictable parent who was too often caught up in his/her own emotional upheavals to be able to
be a safe haven and provide containment and affect regulation for the child.
Typical statements of a preoccupied adult:
Im often wondering whether she really cares about me or not.
I often feel dependent on him for emotional support.
I turn to him when Im upset, but it doesnt really help me feel much better.
Fearful Attachment Style:
Fearfully attached adults may display a wide array of symptoms, with some combination of emotions
present in both dismissive and preoccupied adults. Two primary themes pervade the fearful
attachment style: (1) they are likely to have suffered significant parental hostility or overt rejection,
and (2) some have suffered physical or sexual abuse, but have not come to terms with the impact of
the abuse. These adults may display a variety of acting out symptoms (e.g., drug/alcohol abuse or self-
injurious behavior). These individuals desperately want to approach others and make meaningful
connections, although they are terrified at the prospect of genuine relationships with other people
because they have learned that relationships can be quite dangerous even terrifying.
Consider the following typical statements as messages that the adult heard from the parent about
themselves as a child. As an adult, they are likely to have internalized those hurtful statements and
now believe them to be true about themselves. For example, imagine the impact of a parent saying to
their young child, Whats wrong with you?!? These statements can have a lasting deleterious
impact on the growing childs self-esteemand sense of self-worth.
Typical statements of a fearful adult:
Theres something wrong with me.
I dont matter I just hate myself.
No one would want to be with someone like me.
As you read through these four adult attachment styles, consider the way in which the messages that
you have internalized about what to expect from other people, relationships, and even yourself is
intimately connected to the messages that you received from your primary caregivers. Imagine how
differently two people might behave if one of them was raised by parents who provided consistency,
stability, and love, versus one raised by parents who were self-absorbed in their own emotional
dramas, yet deluded themselves into believing they did what was best for their children.
The messages that you received about your own self-worth/strengths and what to expect in close
relationships with other people is imprinted on you as you grow into adulthood. However, even if you
werent raised in a stable home that could provide a foundation for a secure attachment style, you
have the opportunity to work through any losses, mixed messages, or traumatic experiences that you
had in childhood now, as an adult. With adulthood comes the opportunity to cultivate the mindful
wisdomnecessary to heal any old wounds and to become the strong, loving, and consistent parent
that you would like to be for your own children.