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Facebook Dating Secrets

Healthy Relationship Initiative


Created by Jo Gardner

Copyright 20 I 0 - H e al thy Relationship Initiative


All rights rese rved. No part of this book may be
reproduced m any form or by any electronic or
mechanical means incl udi n g i n formation storage and
retrieval systems, without perm ission in writing from the
author. The only exception is by a r ev iewer , who may
quote short excerpts i n a review.

Disclaimer:

This book provides suggestions on�r and how the reader

uses it i s thei r choi ce. The authors 1 publishers are not

liable for i nappropriate use (?f'the il?fhrmati on by the

reader.

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CONTENTS

Ch 1: Why Facebook Dating Works Better- Pg 5


• Why Facebook is so popular
• Why it is easy to find love on Facebook
• Reasons to consider Facebook dating
Ch 2: Evolution of Dating on Facebook- Pg 13
Ch 3: Benefits of Facebook Dating- Pg 22
Ch 4: Facebook Dating saves you Money- Pg 30
Ch 5: How to Start Face book Dating- Pg 34
Ch 6: Why Friendship Before Relationship- Pg 4 1
Ch 7: From Friends to Lovers on Facebook- Pg 46
• Overcome the Limitations of Facebook Romance
• How to use Chat to attract potential partners
• Approach that Works Best
• Minimizing Rej ection
• Searching for Love Successfully
• Facebook Chatting techniques that works
• Facebook Activities to build Rapport

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• Avoid these Mistakes
• Why the Chances of Finding Mr. I Ms. Right on
Facebook is very high?
Ch 8 : Facebook Dating Tips for Men- Pg 74
• Understanding Women
• How to Emotionally Connect with Women on
Facebook
Ch 9: Facebook Dating Tips for Women- Pg 85
• Understanding Men
• How to Emotionally Connect with Men on
Facebook
Ch 10: Things not to do on Facebook - for Men- Pg 99
Ch 11: Things not to do on Facebook - for Women- Pg
105
Ch 12: Protecting your Privacy on Facebook- Pg Ill

Ch 13 : Staying Safe with Facebook Dating- Pg 12 1


Ch 14 : Benefits outweigh the Risks on Facebook Dating
- Pg 127
Ch 15 : Conclusion- Pg 136

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CHAPTER I

Why Facebook Dating Works Better

Facebook dating is much better than conventional Online


Dating services. This was proved by a recent study
conducted by Bishop, J. (2008b) called 'Understanding
and facilitating the development of social networks in
online dating communities: A case study and model . In C.
Romm-Livermore, & K. Setzekom (Eds .), Social
networking communities and EDating services : Concepts
and implications .'

In this study it was clearly demonstrated that the online


dating services driven by subscriptions offer the least
amount of social networking opportunities, as they often
only utilize the personal homepage genre of online
community, which only makes them effective for the
bonding and encoding stage of the rel ationship. Also it
showed that the highest sconng dating service was
5
Facebook, which uses the personal homepage genre, the
message board genre, the web-log and directory genre.

Facebook is currently the most popular social networking


website in the world. It allows you to create and maintain
a profile, which can be used to tell people more about
you. On your profile you can edit things such as your
profile picture, gender, birth date, hometown, family,
relationship status, political views, religion, activities,
hobbies, interests, favourite music, favourite movies,
favourite TV shows, favourite quotations, favourite
books, about me information, contact details and
education and work.

There are also many groups, pages and networks that you
can join to connect with people that have simi lar
interests. As well as j oining them, you can create them
yourself.

Status updates can be used to tell people what you are

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doing, eating, drinking, reading, watching, listening to,
etc. You can also use the status update to post links,
photos, videos, events, etc.

The best thing about Facebook is the interaction with


friends. Once you have added a person as a friend (and
they have accepted your request), you will have the
opportunity to view their profile, comment on their
photos and chat with them, invite them to groups,
challenge them in games, add posts to their wall, send
them virtual gifts and more.

Applic ations can be added to your profile to allow you to


play games, take quizzes, etc. You can also invite friends
to these and challenge them.

Adding friends is a good way to connect with family,


long lost friends and unknown relatives . I personally
discovered my half-brother who I didn't even know
existed.

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However, please keep in mind that you HAVE to be AT

LEAST 13 years old to register for Facebook. It i s illegal


to sign up for Facebook if you arc under 13 years old.
Please also remember to keep your pro fi l e private - there
have been numerous cases o f people using personal
information on profi les to track people down and
intentionally hurt them. Thank you for reading thi s useful
piece of information .

Why Facebook is so popular

I f you have used a Faccbook wcbsitc before, it i s l i kely


that you are already fully aware of their popularity and
the reason for populari ty. There is just someth ing about
these websites that draw in m i l l ions of Internet users .
One of the reasons for the popu lari ty of Facebook being
the ease of use. Its easy to navi gate even on the mobile
phones. In fact, many require l i ttle knowledge of the
intemet. In addition to being easy to navi gate, Facebook
also make it easi er to meet new people onl i ne. There are
many Internet users who would love to make new friends
online; however, that can sometimes be difficult do.
Without social networking websites like Facebook, you
would have to connect with Internet users, often in chat
rooms, and learn about their interests before deciding if
you would like to consider them your "friend." Face book
allows you to learn information about another Internet
user before ever having to make contact with them.

Another one of the many reasons why Facebook is


popular is because its free to use. In fact, the majority of
social networking sites, such as MySpace and Yahoo !
360, are free to use.

Why it is easy to find Love on Facebook

When it comes to finding a new romantic partner, things


have changed. In the past relationships were largely
developed through chance meetings, setups from friends,
or from friendships that flourished into something more.

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Now, many men and women rely on the Internet when it
comes to finding a romantic partner. Are you are
interested in becoming one of those individuals? If so,
there are a few important things that you should know
first.

Facebook may not focus specifically on creating


relationships, their purpose is the same. That purpose is
to make it easier for Internet users to connect with other
Internet users, especially ones that they share a common
bond.

Although most online dating websites will allow you to


contact any online member, you are advised to search for
those that share the same interests as you. This may help
to give you better luck in the love department. In addition
to love, it is also possible that you could find an online
friend that you have a lot in common with. This online
friendship could be great, especially if the love part didn't
work out as well as you had intended it to.

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Perhaps. the most important thing to remember is that
Facebook dating is not deemed one hundred percent safe.
Although, it is important to note that no form of dating is.

Reasons t o consider Facebook dating:

• There is a wide range of men/women to choose


from. You aren't limited to the men in your social
circle or work environment.

• You have the opportunity to get to know a lot


about a man/woman before you ever contact
him/her for the first time. You will know his/her
age, marital status, what city he/she lives in,
whether he/she has children, his/her height/weight
and his/her likes and dislikes all from his/her
profile. You ' ll even see a picture of him/her.
• You have a better chance to present yourself in a
favorable way. This is especially useful for those
of us who are shy. We have time to think about
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how we want to say things about ourselves and
can avoid being tongue tied. Even those who are
more extroverted can take time to reflect on who
they really are before writing their online profile.
• Facebook dating is certainly a time saver. You can
meet so many more men/women in a lot less time
than you ever could out in the real world.

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CHAPTER 2

Evolution of Dating on Facebook

When we start talking about dating on Facebook, we have


to first understand two things - the first is 'Dating' and
the second is 'Facebook. ' We shall come to Facebook a
little later. First, let us understand the concept of 'Dating. '

Dating IS the system of matchmaking through


improvements or technology. In earlier days, especially in
ancient cultures, when a boy and a girl could meet only
with the intention of matrimony, matchmakers were
employed. They were the professionals who would
collect information about eligible brides and grooms and
then go find a suitable 'match' for them. Then came the
age of the 'social dance. ' In western culture, dances were
a common place for suitable boys and girls to meet. In the
Victorian age, girls had to be suitably chaperoned to
avoid a scandal, but more or less this was the place where
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a young woman could meet a sui table young man as a
suitor and both could assess their chances of happiness .
In frontier North America. the contra dance and the
square dance were the places where matchmaking was
employed, less formal ly. Then agai n. in farming families,
with eligible boys and girls kept apart by the widely
separated landscape and farm work. the Sunday Church
or other mandated social events were the only places
where they could meet. These were the early dating
systems. Nowadays, the dating system is a specialized
meeting system where two peop le meet with an objective
in mind, which usually has a romantic implication. The
traditional or conventional way to 'date· is to find
somebody who is seemi ngly interesting at first look, then
to take it up to a higher level and see if any compatibility
emerges. There are so many ways to arrange for a date.
You might meet somebody on your school campus and
find her (or him) interesting. You may then approach that
person and introduce yourself w i th an i nvitation for a cup
of coffee. If your potential date says 'yes'. then while

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having that cup of coffee together, you might try to take it
a little further. You might arrange for a second ' date ' if
everything goes well and see where it goes from there.

I f this happens on a university campus, then you might do


things a little differently. For ' him, ' you might approach
her through a common interest, say a curriculum subj ect
that interests both of you. You might work on your
projects together, or discuss things together which will
help form a friendship and that can mature into
something more. For 'her ' a different, if not more
difficult approach is required. Men are still expected to
do the chasing; a woman who looks a guy over, decides
she likes him, and wishes to handle things on her own,
might be thought of as too bold and aggressive. She has
to be a lot more subtle. A woman who walks up to a man
and says. "Let's have a cup of coffee together" might
attract a different type of attention than she is looking for.
She has to make the man think he is the one who is the
active member here, and not the other way around. This

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might prove tricky but it is not impossible. With a little
bit of maneuvering this is possible. If you share common
friends, you might use that resource. A class party or a
seminar is a great way to get introduced. Then you have
the task of capturing his attention. You might start with
observing him and trying to find out what interests him.
The best method to make a man interested in you is to
make him believe, right or wrong, that you are interested
in his interests. Listen to all his words with careful
attention. As soon as he feels comfortable with you he
will open up about his interests and then you might try to
find out whether your first impression about him matches
up with your expectations. Expectations need not mean
anything permanent, just that you might want to see him
another time, as you both have some interests in
common. For both men and women, finding a common
ground is very important. You might share a common
interest in sports (though most men will agree that to get
a girl interested in sports is a marathon task) or foreign
movies (that again women will find men have no

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appreciation for most of the time), but finding a common
interest is the first step towards developing a friendly
relationship. This friendship is the stepping stone to take
it up to the next level .

All these factors, however. will come into consideration


after you have secured the first date. Whatever the basis
of friendship, the first challenge is to arrange for that first
date. How do you get to meet the person at all? And who
is the person that you are going to meet? If you are lucky,
you may find him or her within your own community.
But more often than not you might encounter difficulties
in finding somebody even remotely interesting within
your community. That is when people turn to dating
systems.

Historically, dating systems are closely tied to the history


of the technology that supports them. They do not
necessarily impose a great deal of structure to the
individual interaction or their quality, but more on the

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system of finding the date. Some of the technologically
supported systems of dating are as follows : -

1. "Computer dating" systems o f later 20th century


especially in the 1960s and 1970s, became very
popular. This was before the rise of sophisticated
phone and computer systems . They gave
customers forms they filled out with important
features and preferences, which were "matched by
computer" to determine "compatibility" of the two
customers.

2. "Video Dating" systems of the 1980s and 1990s


especially, where customers gave a performance
on (typically VHS tape) video, which was
viewable by other customers, usually in private, in
the same facility. Some services would record and
play back videos for men and women on alternate
days to minimize the chance that customers would
meet each other on the street.

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3. "Phone Dating" systems of about the same time,
where customers called a common voice mail or
phone-chat server at a common local phone
number, and were connected with other (reputed)
singles, and typically charged by the minute as if it
were a long-distance call (often a very expensive
one). A key problem of such systems was that they
were hard to differentiate from a phone pom
service or "phone sex" where female operators are
paid to arouse male customers, and have no
intention of dating them, ever.

4. "Speed dating" is where a group of people get


together for several hours in public; one is given a
set amount of time to sit and talk to a particular
person before moving on to the next.

5. "Mobile phone (or cell phone) Dating" is a system


of finding dates where text messages to and from a
mobile/cell phone carrier are used to show interest

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in others on the system. lt can be web-based or
online dating as wel l , depending on the company.

6. "Virtual Dating" is a combi nati on of video game


playing and dating, where users create avatars and
spend time in virtual worlds in an attempt to meet
other avatars with the purpose of meeting for
potential dates.

7. "Blind Dating" is where the people involved have


not met each other previously. The match could
have been arranged by mutual friends , relatives or
by a dating service .

8. "Singles events" are where a group of singles are


brought together to take part in v arious events for
the purpose of meeting new people. Events can
include such things as parties, workshops and
games. Many events are ai med at singles of
particular affil iations, interests, or religions.

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9. "Online dating Services" of the 1990s and today,
which may incorporate a form-, video-, or
audio-/phone-based component, integrating them
into a single "profile" and providing multiple
means to communicate (including the telephone).

Other than these, there are the dating game shows and
reality shows on television, in which a high degree of
support and aids are provided to individuals seeking
dates.

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CHAPTER 3

Benefits of Facebook Dating

It is now more or less clear what is expected while on the


look out for a date. The first choice would be, apparently,
to go for it the conventional way. But there is a major
disadvantage to this. The chance of finding the ideal
partner remains just that, by chance. It is very difficult to
judge whether a first impression is correct or not. Most of
the time, you have to meander through each individual
encounter and discover the personality traits as and when
they emerge. You can only hope they do not throw
something grossly unexpected. Not only that, there is
always the awkwardness involved if and when a potential
date flops.

Internet dating or Online dating enables you to avoid not


only the entire time and effort spent, but also the potential
disillusionment. In earlier days, matchmakers took care
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of all these details. They would do the first screening of
the potential partners and then approach the prospective
bride or groom. With changes in social norms, they no
longer exist. Online dating services have taken their
place. These virtual matchmakers make your search
east er.

Internet or online dating is a system which enables


individual men and women, couples or groups to make
contact and communicate with each other over the
Internet. The communication is usually with the objective
of developing a personal or romantic relationship. Online
dating services usually provide independent,
unmoderated matchmaking on the Internet accessed
through personal computers or cell phones. You can
upload your profile, photos etc. and be allowed to browse
through others ' profiles and photos.

Some of the online dating sites have a broad base, the


members come from different backgrounds and they may

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be looking for different kinds of relationships. The other
sites operate more specifically with a particular type of
membership, specific locations, interests or relationships
desired. You can depend on these sites to do the looking
for you. You may specify a particular location, say, within
a certain radius in New York City, and also specify not
only the gender, age, education and religion, but also the
desired height, weight, coloring etc. You may also specify
the nature of relationship you are seeking. It might be
casual friendship, or it might be an association of mutual
interests, such as a particular hobby, sports or a subject of
educational specialization. A movie buff might want to
seek out another movie buff who is residing within his I
her locality, who is also smart, funny and attractive, so
that they may exchange notes together.

It might seem a bit 'unnatural ' to inhabit a virtual world


and try to find romance or compatibility out of the
computer. But, the thing is, human beings are not
conditioned to walk up and pick up a woman (or man, as

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the situation may be) who is a complete stranger and start
to communicate their overwhelming liking for them
either. This is not what nature intended for you.
Therefore, there is always a certain amount of pressure
involved whenever you go up to a stranger and try to
communicate "I like you. Can we take this up to the next
level?" It is even more gut wrenchingly difficult if you
are a woman who is trying to communicate with a man
who happens to be a stranger to you. The anonymity of
the Internet takes away this pressure. You do not have to
worry what the other person will think of you; whether
you come on as too bold or aggressive when you are
approaching him I her through a virtual matchmaker.

You also do not have to be on your best behavior when


you are on the look out for a potential date when you are
looking for a date online. In the real world, as if the
pressure you face while trying to communicate your
interest to a particular person is not enough, there is this
additional burden of appearing as flawless as possible

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when you present yourself to your potential date. When a
woman meets a guy. she wants to impress him.
Sometimes, she wil l feign an i nterest in a subject that
totally bores her, for fear she w i l l be perceived as an
airhead by her partner. Thi s becomes agonizing after
some time. On the other hand, a smart woman may try to
suppress her intellect so she does not appear to be too
much of a ' blue stocking' which again builds up too
much pressure. The same applies to men too . They want
to impress the girl and therefore have to be on their best
behavior. A man wi l l want to appear neither as a male
chauvinist nor a wimp to the woman he wants to be with.
Therefore he will try to wal k on eggshells around her,
which might ki ll off h i s spontaneity somewhat. The
Internet has already searched on your behalf the person
who is like minded enough for you to be at ease. You do
not need to pretend anything you are not in order to
impress your potential partner. I f politics don't interest
you, neither does it interest hi m/her. I f you are interested
in environment, so is it with h i m/her.

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You save time and effort in searching for the right person.
Not only that, you also have much greater options to
choose from. Both the quality and the targeted options are
more efficiently assessable to you through the net. For
men and women it becomes a huge relief to be freed from
the need to be a ' smooth operator. ' At the same time,
Internet dating services speed up the date hunting process
to a large degree. This is because you already know this
man I woman is single, free and ready to meet a quality
partner. You also know what his I her requirements are,
and that they match your own. The only thing left is to
find out how compatible you are on other points and take
it up from there. Thus, your ability to convey romantic
desire is enhanced, as it is mutually shared.

When you ask a person in your social circle for a date, it


becomes difficult for you if it flops. Apart from the
awkwardness it entails, there is also room for
embarrassment at failure. If you do not succeed,
everybody knows . In the privacy of your laptop, you can

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go on failing over and over again, with nobody the wiser.
It is also easier to break up with your virtual date the
moment you think it is not working out. This is often
mutual, with no hard feelings involved. That might not be
the case in real life dates. It sometimes takes considerable
tact and effort, not to mention time to break off a liaison,
so as not to hurt the sensibility of the other person
involved, even if both of you know the relationship will
not work out in the end. The sense of failure normally
associated with the break-up of a relationship in real life
is not present in the virtual world, therefore it becomes
easier on both parties to call it a day, with perfect
amicability and you can start looking again.

When you are typing out a message from your laptop,


you can choose your own time and speed to do so. After
the day's work, or maybe even before you start your day,
you can leave a message or chat with your potential date.
This can be done entirely at your convenience. There is
absolutely no need to make an appointment, fix up a

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place for meeting, see to it that the other person is pleased
and comfortable before you start your interaction. No
need for flowers or chocolate, or buying expensive
dresses to wear so the other person is pleased. You can
wear your bed socks and be as romantic as you like.
Romance is a state of mind, not the outer embellishments
that go with it. This is something we frequently forget in
our preoccupation with the outer embellishments. With an
on line date, you are in no danger of messing it up because
you are holding the wrong fork or wearing the wrong tie.
There is also no danger of making it worse by saying the
wrong thing as in a spontaneous situation. You can go
straight to the heart of the matter without the outer frills.
If this works out. then you might want to meet your date
in person and take it up to the next level. If it does not
work out through the net. you both go your own way and
continue your search without any acrimony or bitter
feelings. The very impersonal nature of online dates helps
you to be natural .

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CHAPTER 4

Facebook Dating saves you Money

Unlike Facebook which is free - other online dating sites


have a number of problems which you should be aware
of. For some sites, you are expected to subscribe without
being able to search or preview the available profiles
before you pay the subscription fee. Also, a paying
member is often not sure whether a potential date holds a
full subscription or not, or whether that person will be in
a position to reply. Some sites prevent a potential contact
from even reading a paying member's messages unless
the contact has also paid to subscribe.

Most of the dating sites keep profiles online for very long
periods, right from the last time the member had logged
in. This creates a false impression that there are more
members available than there actually are.

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Some of the online profiles do not represent actual
people, but are placed on the site by the owners to act as
"bait" to lure new paying members. There are more
"fake" profiles that are actually advertisements for
services like prostitution, multi-level marketing or
personal sites belonging to other people.

A lack of trust lingers among the members, even when a


member 's profile happens to be "real". For example,
married people looking for affairs might pose as single.
Many people misrepresent themselves and give false
information about age, height and weight, or they use
misleading, old photos. However, this happens less on
matrimonial sites which cater to people wanting to meet
up in order to get married. Gross misrepresentation
takes place more on the casual type dating sites, which
are geared towards short term relationships which have
the potential to be sexual in nature.

There are also online predators on the dating sites who

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are dangerous. The onl ine sites provide them with a
never ending supply of targets for Internet fraud. Dr
Paige Padgett of the Health Science Center, University of
Texas, conducted a study which found that women
looking for partners on the net have a false sense of
safety, while in reality it exposes them to fraud, stalking,
even sexual violence.

Most potential members are lured i nto j oining the dating


websites with low pri ced or free "trial" memberships
which are advertised on other websites. On websites
requiring credit card details for j oining, the trial
memberships are automatically converted to full
memberships when the trial period ends and the entire
month's fee is charged irrespective of whether the
website's services have been used by the member or not.
There have also been complaints from members about the
billing methods of some of the dating websites . Trial
memberships that had been cancel ed during the period of
trial were sometimes re-b i l led despite the cancellation.

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Disreputable sites often harvest users' personal
i nformation and contacts for use in e-mail spam. In fact,
if you are a member of an online service site, be it dating
or otherwise, be prepared to be flooded with undesirable
spam of every kind.

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CHAPTER S

How to Start Facebook Dating

Now that you know the pros and cons of Internet dating,
you are ready to look for a date online. As there are
considerable pitfalls in the online dating service sites, it
might seem prudent and safer to limit your search
somewhat. Why not then go for social networking
through the Internet? That is relatively safe, and comes
free of cost. The hassle is also considerably less in social
network sites. So what is a social network? It is a site
dedicated to building and reflecting social networks or
relations among people, e.g., who share interests and I or
activities. A social network service essentially consists of
a representation of each user (often a profile), his I her
social links, and a variety of additional services. Most
social network services are web based and provide means
for users to interact over the Internet, such as e-mail and
instant messaging. Although online community services
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are sometimes considered as a social network service in a
broader sense, social network service usually means an
individual-centered service whereas online community
services are group-centered. Facebook is one such social
networking site. It is absolutely free.

The first step towards social networking through the


Internet is to create a profile for yourself. Then you
upgrade that personal profile into the social networking
service you want to be a member of. Social networking
services can be of two broad categories, Internal Social
�etworking (ISN) or External Social Networking (ESN) .
An Internal Social Network is a closed or private
community that consists of a group of people within a
certain community. This community may be within a
company, association, society, university etc . It might
also be an "invite only" group created by a user in an
External Social Network. An External Social Network is
an open or public networking system which is open to all
web users to communicate.

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Facebook started off as an I SN and later extended to an
ESN service. It started off as a community within
Harvard University. A group of students of computer
science started Facebook with membership limited to the
students of Harvard, but later expanded to other colleges
in the Boston area, The Ivy League and Stanford
University. It later expanded further to include
(potentially) any university student, then high school
students, and, finally, to anyone aged 13 and over. The
website currently has more than 400 million active users
worldwide.

Be it specialized or generic, there is a common approach


towards usage of social networking sites. Users can
upload a picture of themselves, create their 'profile' and
can often be "friends" with other users. In most social
networking services, both users must confirm they are
friends before they are linked. For example, if Angela
lists Bob as a friend, then Bob would have to approve
Angela's friend request before they are listed as friends.

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Some social networking sites have a "favorites" feature
that does not need approval from the other user. Social
networks usually have privacy controls that allow the
user to choose who can view their profile or contact
them, etc.

Social networking sites typically have a section dedicated


to comments by friends. On Facebook, this section is
called "The Wall". In the beginning, this was a feature
that encouraged people to write messages about the
person in the profile. But over time, people started
writing creative testimonials back, creating a form of
conversation. Depending on privacy settings, anyone who
can see a user 's profile can also view the user 's Wall .
Previously, The Wall was limited to text content only.
Nowadays, Facebook allows users to post attachments to
the Wall .

There i s another interactive feature i n Facebook which is


known as the 'Poke. ' 'Poke ' allows users to send a virtual

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"poke" to each other ( a noti fication then tel l s a user that
they have been poked). There is a l so 'Status,' which
allows users to inform their friends of their whereabouts
and actions.

Over time, Facebook has added features to its website.


'News Feed' is such a feature wh ich appears on every
user's homepage and high l i ghts information including
profile changes, upcoming events, and birthdays of the
user's friends. Users are also able to prevent friends from
seeing updates about certain types of activities, including
profile changes, Wall posts, and newly added friends.
News Feeds provide links so that one user can participate
in the activity of another user.

One of the most popular applicati ons on Facebook is the


' Photos ' application, where users can upload albums and
photos. Facebook allows users to up load an unlimited
number of photos, compared with other image hosting
services such as 'Photobucket ' and 'Fl icker,' which apply

38
limits to the number of photos a user is allowed to
upload. Privacy settings can be set for individual albums,
limiting the groups of users that can see an album. For
example, the privacy of an album can be set so only the
user's friends can see the album, while the privacy of
another album can be set so all Facebook users can see it.
Another feature of the Photos application is the ability to
'tag ' or label users in a photo. For instance, if a photo
contains a user's friend, then the user can tag the friend in
the photo. This sends a notification to the friend that they
have been tagged, and provides them a link to see the
photo.

Facebook "Notes" is a blogging feature that allows tags


and embedded images . Users are able to import blogs
from other blogging services. Facebook also has
introduced an instant messaging application called "Chat"
to several networks, which allows users to communicate
with friends and is similar in functionality to desktop­
based instant messengers.

39
You may also send virtual gifts to your friends that appear
on the recipient's profile through the ' Gifts ' application.
Gifts cost $ 1.00 each to purchase, and a personalized
message can be attached to each gift.

You can post classified ads for free on Facebook through


'Marketplace. ' These ads can only be seen by users who
are in the same network as you.

40
CHAPTER6

Why Friendship Before Relationship

You have so far gained some knowledge about Facebook,


its main features and how they operate. Now the
obj ective is to utilize these features to start social
networking. Facebook is the most popular among Internet
social networking sites. It started with college and
university users, expanded to post-college users and, now,
is a favorite for everybody from teens to senior citizens .
Meeting people on Facebook is easy and fun and can be
part of a vibrant and fulfilling social life.

The first step is to open an account. You have to sign up


for Facebook as it is impossible to contact other users
without being one. The sign-up process starts right on
Facebook's front page and is self-explanatory. This is
very easy actually. You go to the Facebook homepage,
log in with your few details and are ready to use the
41
social network service. The next step is to upload your
profile. Your profile will contain essential information
about you, such as your birth date, whether single or
attached, special interests etc. This will give other users
some idea about you so they can decide whether there is
enough commonness between you to start a friendship.
Most of the time, there are some mutual friends through
whom you get connected to other people who are their
friends. And thus the network grows. You may become
friends with a number of people, and when I say
numbers, it means literally there is no end to them. The
friendships may be categorized according to different
parameters or may be generalized. You may have a group
of friends with whom you share your passion for
photography, and another group of friends with whom
you discuss world politics. Again, there may be a group
with whom you just exchange your views and feelings in
general, a virtual 'hang out' zone. When you post your
profile on Facebook, you may upload your recent photo
along with that.

42
After you have posted your profile and uploaded your
photo, next import your e-mail contacts. The sign-up
process will give you the option of importing the names
and e-mail addresses of everyone listed in your e-mail
history. This will allow you to add your friends to your
Facebook friends, as well as anyone you've e-mailed or
who has e-mailed you. When you add friends, Facebook
will see whether those people have friends in common
and will recommend those friends in common to you
under the 'Suggestions ' section. It is up to you to choose
whom to add as friends in your Facebook from your e­
mail list.

You also have the option to add background information.


Depending on your privacy wishes, you may or may not
want to tell Facebook where you work or where you
attended school. If you volunteer that information, it will
allow Facebook to recommend more friends who
attended those same schools or worked at the same
places.

43
Once someone has agreed to add you as a friend, take a
look at his I her profile. It wi l l contain a "wal l ," where
people write comments. See if you know those people,
and if you do, decide whether you want to add them as
your friends as wel l . Even if you don't know these people,
you may wish to add them anyway. because Facebook
allows people to express their personal ities ( picking their
favorite movies, for example. and posting that
information on their page). Therefore, if you find
someone interesting, write him I her a message and ask
him I her to be your friend.

Some of your Facebook friends wi l l l i st the names of


their spouses or significant others on their profi le. And, as
every Facebook page contains at least a sampling of that
person's friends, browse through both of these and see if
there is anyone you wish to add to your friends' list.

Another way to gam fri ends through Facebook is by


playing games. Facebook features small computer

44
programs called "apps," many which are popular games
1 such as Mafia Wars). Through these games you get to
interact with other Facebook users and this is a great way
to meet people. You become part of the group that plays a
certain game that they like to play too. You may find
somebody there who you find interesting and request a
friendship.

45
CHAPTER 7

From Friends to lovers on Facebook

By this time you are already aware that Facebook keeps


you connected with your friends and acquaintances. It is a
very effective social tool and you can go one step further
and utilize it to enrich your love life. If you are on the
lookout for a suitable date, Facebook is a great place to
look. There are certain advantages that Facebook has over
other dating sites.

First of all, since Facebook is a social media which


operates mainly within a certain community, it is very
much possible to fuse virtual world and reality. Suppose
you see someone you like at the university campus or at
the local pub. You do not want to go forward as you do
not want to come across as too bold or aggressive, but at
the same time you would certainly want to get to know
that person better. You come back to your place armed
46
with nothing more than the person's name. Type the
name, or whatever information you have been able to
gather, into the Facebook search engine and see if that
person is listed there. If yes, just drop a line. Introduce
yourself. You may even ask him I her out for coffee if the
response is favorable. All this done in a relaxed ambience
at your leisure and time, without the gut wrenching
anxiety of being rejected in public.

Facebook has several tests which are aimed at finding out


what type of a dater you are. You can take these tests and
tind out for yourself the type of personality you have, the
type of personality that would suit you and so forth.
Depending on your personality, these tests will give you
tips about what type of a person will suit you the best.
You can narrow down your search according to that. Not
only that, these tests are also equipped to advise you how
to perfect your dating approach, which will make you
more well rounded in the task.

47
You can always ask your friend to fix up a date with that
handsome hunk or that pretty girl. Only this time, you ask
him through Facebook. You notice a profile and can ask
for access through your friend on Facebook or you can
straight away ask for an introduction to some suitable
girls I guys through your friends' friends circle. There is
complete privacy in this process. No one else gets to
know you have asked for an introduction. And if it does
not work out, there is no embarrassment in your social
front.

There are a few fun ways to meet like-minded people


through Facebook who might turn out to be potential
dates. The first way is to play games . There are a number
of games on Facebook, which can be played online. One
such game is Scrabulous, an online version of Scrabble.
Almost every 5 seconds during the day multiple games
get started. It is great fun and a great way to meet new
people throughout the day from all around the world.

48
There are various applications which are quizzes or other
forms of trivia games. They can be general knowledge

quizzes or pertain to a more specific subj ect. For example


there are quizzes on the subject of movies or television
shows. You can find people who share similar interests
through these quiz services and take it up from there, see
if you two match in other ways.

Post something, maybe about yourself or your special


interests on a friend's Wall. Chances are that friends of
your friend will see it and respond. Again, the relative
anonymity saves you from potential embarrassment.

Try to be a member of the vanous groups that are


available on Facebook. Type in some of your favorite
things in the search box, and see what people, groups and
pages come up. Type in your hobbies, favorite sports
teams, travel destinations, etc. You will see lists of people
and groups you can connect to. Take an active role in
those groups. You might try to find an interesting article

49
and post a comment or a l i nk, or you might l ink your own
blog as well, if you have one .

Get your Friends involved. I f your friends aren't on


Facebook, get them to join. If they already are, link them
up as "Friend.". Then, see i f you know any of their
friends. Facebook natural ly l i nks peop le who know each
other, so there may be several of your friend's
acquaintances you may have met before . The more
people you have as friends on Facebook, the better able
you will be to meet new people.

Once you make friends, start up conversations with them .


Find the friends that are si ngle (you wi l l usual ly find their
partnership status in the 'info · section) and comment on
their photos or wal l posts . Try to really get to know them.
After some time, if you feel comfortable with any of
them, ask for that coffee meet.

Find your friends from college and h igh schoo l . As it is,

50
feeling connected to long ago friends is a satisfying
experience in itself. Post recent photographs (make sure
they are flattering) and write all about your recent
activities since you knew them. If not your actual friends,
then again your friends ' friend may be the one you have
been looking for all this time .

You can also add people you know from real life. You
might know them from your workplace, groups '
activities, hobbies etc . Sometimes it feels more
.:omfortable to interact through the Internet than face to
face. Comment on their posts and ask questions to find
out more about that person. Asking direct questions is
always much easier online. You can ask anything without
being offensive, rather than when meeting in person. If
you feel the two of you would hit it off, suggest meeting
m person.

If you are a fan of a group, movie or TV show, check out

the other fans and see if anybody is interested in chatting.

51
As the people you are approaching are already interested
in one common thing as you, chances are you will find
more things in common with them. You can also send
friend requests and get to know people better by starting a
conversation with your fan club as the opening subj ect.

Facebook comes with a handful of dating applications


which are absolutely free. Therefore, if you do not want
to spend a lot just for the sole purpose of finding dates
through expensive dating sites such as Eharmony or
True.Com, just add the speed-dating application to your
profile. One such application is "Speed Dating 2.0." This
is an application that allows members to meet each other
online and quickly get to know each other. You can move
on to the next person just as quickly through this
application. Set up an account with Speed Dating 2.0 on
Facebook. This is how you do it. Type "Speed Dating" on
your Facebook home page into the search box, and select
"Applications" from the menu that appears with the
results. Click on "Speed Dating 2.0" and then click "Join

52
for Free." After you have j oined, fill out the form with

your personal information. This will build up your


profile. Up load a photo of yourself as this will enable you
to u se the dating chat rooms . After you have successfully

'Jploaded your profile complete with the photo, click on


�he tab "Rooms" to find a room which you can join. You
are now ready to chat with different people and discover
:1ew potential dates at the end of the session. It is up to
you to decide whether you want to follow it up or not

once you have found a match through Speed Date 2.0


application.

.--\nother dating application on Facebook is "Zoosk." It is


an application that allows you to search single people
from your area for free. This is how you can use Zoosk to
search for potential dates on Facebook.

First add Zoosk application to your Facebook account.


This can be done by going to the applications at the
bottom of your Facebook page and typing 'Zoosk. ' Once

53
you have added the application to your Facebook
account, you have to create your profile by filling out the
' Date Card. ' Fill out the date card as accurately as
possible so that when you meet other people through
Zoosk, they will know about you in detail and the
chances of finding someone who matches up to your
requirements go up. After you finish filling out the date
card, you can start looking for single people who can be
your potential dates by clicking on the Search button on
Zoosk. Fill out the Search information accurately so that
the search is narrowed down as much as possible . This
will help the application to find someone who is most
specific to your match. If you find somebody who seems
interesting to you, you can wink at them or send them a
mail. If all turns out to be well, you can start up a
conversation on mail, and then eventually set up a date
and go on from there.

Overcome Limitations of Facebook Romance

54
In the past, lovers used to send each other love letters
that, despite obstacles and distance, kept their
relationship vibrant. This way, the long waiting period,
until they could see each other again, seemed bearable.

Today, the Internet has become a new messenger for the


lonely hearts, the ones searching for a relationship or for
persons that want to communicate with friends or lovers
and family.

Apart from spoken words, in a face to face encounter


partners exchange gestures, looks, caresses, inviting each
other to carry on. The look in his/her eyes can encourage
you; his/her smile can show you how happy he/she is to
be in your company.

Internet relationships don't always g1ve you the


advantage of seeing the gestures and reactions of the
other person. You can never be quite certain that the
typed message will be appreciated. There are many

55
factors that influence the cha n c e s to rece i ve a reply that
can live up to your ex p ectat i o n s . Despite this reality, you
must use wisely the l im i ted control you hold.

When sending that roma n t i c ema i l o n Facebook, you


must create an adequate atmosp h ere by choosing an
appealing subj ect for your emai l . Write something like
"For your eyes only" or "To read when you need me".

You must always state c l early your d e s i res and be much


more forward onl ine than in rea l l i fe. I f y o u are not, the
other person might not get your i ntent ions clearly.

Creating a romantic atmosphere over t he Internet can be


tricky, but if you both want it. it ca n be done. A l l you
have to do is help each other. If you are trying to
understand the other person ' s reaction. j ust test them.
Send emails that use a person a l tone. fu l l of big words
and somehow try to s et them in an i mag i n ary romantic
and ideal world. Some world you can now refer to as

56
your world, a world that might appeal to your
mterlocutor.

If you rece1ve an email describing events from your

:riend's life, pay attention to them. Try to show him/her


:hat you really read the email by referring to every single
moment described in separate sentences. Have opinions
.md give advice or suggestions.

\\'hen romantically corresponding, you must rise above


your real experiences . If in real life you are shy, here you
.1re not allowed to. Just relax and create a romantic
.1tmosphere with creative words in your room and the
right words will appear themselves with time.

How to use Chat to attract potential partners

\1ost people that are online are there probably after a


long day of work and are possibly there just to relax and
have a great time.

57
Not everyone is looking for a partner, but maj ority ar 1
looking for easy, positive discussions and fun.

Being positive, relaxed and confident will attract people


and will encourage them to keep talking with you. So
forget about your problems and concentrate on things that
make you feel good. Of course there are some people out
there are not very happy, and you could meet someone
who may start to tell you all the problems they have in
their day.

Try to distract this person you are talking online from the
negative discussion and make him/her to laugh. Using
humor is the best way to do this and is easier if you learn
some funny one liners just to help you get started if you
are not that funny naturally.

If you are seeing that they are persisting to be pessimistic


and keeps telling you how unhappy life can be, maybe
just end the conversation and don 't let them put you in a

58
bad mood.

One of the advantages of online dating is that you can


change your "partner" more than once during one
evening. I am not suggesting that you have to do this, but
keep chatting with different people until you find
someone who can make you enj oy that evening and not
waste your time .

After you meet someone compatible with you, you may


take your discussion to another level, more private but
still funny and relaxed. You even can talk about important
things, about your families, your goals in life or even
about your future children - not being too serious about
that : )

The whole idea is to b e generally upbeat i n all what you


are saying and always remember not to rush things. The
best relationships develop gradually over time. Without
you realizing, talking with someone daily you two will

59
become naturally closer and closer and a date in person
will become something inevitable.

So enjoy Facebook dating and the chat facilities it ts


offering to you.

Approach that Works Best

Today, many of the online daters want immediate results


just after an introductory conversation. They want to meet
their dream date immediately. They want to fall in love
immediately. They want to like each other immediately.
There is hurry in dating. There is a demand that we must
get a good date immediately. This is like interviewing
candidates for a position in your organization. You wish
to get the best candidate as the first candidate and get
frustrated if you don't get one after interviewing many.
That frustration either makes you drop the idea of
searching, or you try to fit at least one candidate in the
slot. However, that will fail with disastrous results.

60
Are you doing something similar in Facebook dating? Do
you not accept disappointments easily? Do you want your
candy immediately like a child? That can lead to
complications. You have to define your requirements, and
if you find that your date and you don't match, you have
to drop him/her. You don't have to create excuses and fit
him/her with you. Otherwise that may lead to long-term
pam.

Let us be sure. You are looking for a compatible partner.


You have only one life, and you must try and get the best
partner you can to have happiness and satisfaction. Give
dating enough time. Date few people before you decide
about one. Make sure that your head is ruling you and not
the heart. Don't ask for immediate results. That can be
painful over time.

Minimizing Rej ection

You've chosen several photos from your Facebook dating

61
application (like Zoosk) and sent out your personal online
profile. Now you are just wai t i n g for the replies. You wait
for a few days, and n ot h i ng . You start to feel as though
you should go back to the bars at l east
. the rej ection there
is face to face. What we nt wrong'?

First of all, these people don 't k now you, so you can't
realistical ly take a non-an swer persona l l y. Very often
users of any online dating system have a s ta c k of profiles
next to their profile and take the i r time returning emails,
so don't get discouraged.

The worst mistake you c an make is contacting people


over and over again Th i s can turn them off and give the
impression that you are a stal ker. Fac e b oo k will cancel
your membership or c e n s ure you if they receive reports
of continuous attempts to contact someone .

Another onl ine dating approac h i s to contact as many


people that have an i n terest i n g pro fi l e as possible. If you

62
only contact two or three, and then wait weeks for a reply,
of course you're going to get frustrated, but if you send
your 'interest' to 20 different people, chances are you will
receive several replies. Again, do not take it personally !

If you are continuously getting rejection emails (I do not


mean no replies, but rather actual rejections) maybe the
problem is your profile. Recheck it and see what it says
about you. Is it honest and sincere? Did you send your
best picture? Does it sound too needy or too non­
committal? Many dating services online provide help
with putting together the perfect profile, and this service
is usually free, so take advantage of the sites help
windows, and keep trying !

Searching for Love Successfully

If you are a hunter, and you 've also chosen the Facebook
dating scene as your hunting ground, here are some great
tips that should help you catch your target as easily and as

63
quickly as possible.

Your Personality Counts : How you hunt for your prey


matters a lot, too. That means, the way you chat, and
what you chat about with the singles you meet online can
improve or hurt your chances on catching your prey and
that's love, by the way, just in case you've forgotten what
our objective is.

Hence, make sure that your personality shines all


throughout the online dating process. Be funny, outgoing
and charming ! Be bold and daring ! Do the things you
wouldn 't ever think of doing in public but of course
remember not to overdo it because going overboard will
only turn other people off.

The Timing Counts : Okay, yes, online dating is available


2417 and in all days of the week. However, as a hunter,
you have to be smart and know on what time of the day
and which day of the week is it most likely that your prey

64
would turn up online.

This means profiling and making your online dating goals


clear cut. If you. for example. prefer to date a man who 's
into the stock market and practically breathes and sleeps
in Brook Brothers suits, when do you think a man like
that is most likely to have the time to chat? Secondly,
where do you think he's most likely to chat?

As a last note, always remember to use your mind when


hunting down for love but use your heart when it's time
to catch it.

Facebook Chatting techniques that works

Etiquette is important in any discourse whether it be


online or off-line and gives people social guidelines of
how to properly conduct themselves during discourse.
These rules and guidelines are socially adhered to ensure
that no member is offended during the discussion.

65
Likewise, maintaining proper etiquette when chatting
ensures an enjoyable chatting experience.

Refrain from gtvmg out too much of vital personal


information about yourself. For teenagers, do not give out
personal information about your parents or your own
information, such as the name and location of your school
or your daily schedule. Giving this kind of information
out exposes your and your family to danger.

Never ever get together with someone you just met


online. Bring a friend or a family member with you.
Never, ever meet them alone. Its better to be safe than to
be sorry afterwards if things got wrong. If you do meet,
be sure to do so in a very public place for added safety.

Use instinct and good judgment. If you feel like


uncomfortable and uncertain listen to your gut feelings.
Avoid responding to mean messages or any message that
makes you feel uncomfortable. Responding only

66
encourages more nasty messages to be sent to you. Don 't
waste your time and effort on meaningless messages
unless you are the type of person who loves being
harassed by other people. Report any person harassing
you. Limit any information about yourself that you may
want to brag about online.

If you want to be respected while chatting online, be sure


to use respectable language. Especially for women, avoid
sexually suggestive words that will arouse the wrong kind
of attention, and less than decent conversations if you do
not want to be approached sexually. When deciding on
what sort of person you want to attract think about your
best qualities and the kind of persons you want to would
be compatible with. If you want sex-oriented
conversation go to an adult site that encourages that kind
of behavior. However, if you are looking for a serious
relationship, adult sites are not for you as most of the
chatters there are simply looking for fun and sex.

67
Facebook Activities to build Rapport

All types of everyday activities are growing in popularity


on Facebook these days like sharing photos and greeting
cards. In fact, both of these even go hand in hand with
Facebook dating opportunities .

Photos - As a wonderful keepsake of your budding


romance, create an online photo album for your new
Facebook friend. Include digital photos of favorite
outdoor scenes, pets, flowers, cars, si lly moments, your
computer corner or laptop, etc. Then you'll even have
more to discuss during online dates via emails and
Facebook chat applications. Search for "photo albums" to
find places that store your photos.

Greetin� Cards - Regardless of where the person lives,


you can send online greeting card using Facebook
applications. You do not have to be a graphic artist to
make something special for the new friend in your life.

68
Even making a special, personalized e-greeting card
would be appreciated and show your date that you care
enough to take the time needed to make something by
hand. Search Facebook applications for online greeting
cards to send, too. They range from free to low cost and
can be sent in a click.

Sharin� Recipes with Facebook Aoplications - People get


tired talking about the weather. So a popular subject to
turn to is food. Sharing favorite foods and recipes helps
break the ice and even forms friendships over culinary
skills - or lack of - and tastes. Search your favorite
search engine for "free recipes" to share. Take photos of
your culinary creations and share them with your date,
too.

Biddin� at A uctions - Facebook virtual auctions sell


nearly anything and everything ! So surf around and enter
searches like the dates you were in middle school. Share
cool memorabilia photos of old games and toys from

69
when you were a child or when your parents or
grandparents were little; The Dating Game, Oscar Mayer
wiener whistles, The Partridge Family Album, Bobby
Sherman 's Album, 45 's and more.

Quiz and trivia applications - Facebook dating can be an


educational and fun experience. So learn more about each
other and have fun while you're at it. Take a cyber-stroll
down memory lane together and see what's cooking.

Avoid these Mistakes

While you search the Internet for that special


lady/gentleman . . . the one of your dreams . . . your soul­
mate . . . the other half of yourself, you can do a lot of
things right. Sadly, you can, also, do a lot of things
wrong. . . . things that will guarantee failure and a broken
heart. Out in the "real" world, being aggressive,
demanding perfection and even little white lies are all
ingredients for success. However, those same qualities

70
are killers when you are dating online and off line, too,
for that matter.

There is a big difference between being aggressive or


confident and being too aggressive, over-confident, or
just plain sleazy or slimy from a woman's point of view.
If you push too hard for a face-to-face. you will come
across as too aggressive . . . maybe even. scary. Try to
remember that you are not trying to close a business deal
and keep the relationship progressing at a slow but steady
pace. Patience is the key.

Nobody is perfect. We are all flawed in some way or


another . . . and that includes you, as well. If you expect
the man/woman to be absolutely perfect and demand that,
you will always be disappointed. Demanding
perfectionism in your work is one thing. Demanding
perfectionism from a friend, eo-worker or a man/woman
you are interested in is not just fine. It won 't happen.
Expect flaws and just deal with them . Decide the ones

71
you can live with and those you can 't.

Little white lies and false fronts won 't work. Be honest
from the beginning of a relationship. Write your profile.
Make it interesting but don 't make false statements. The
truth will come out eventually anyway. If you say you
are a lawyer who makes a million bucks a year and you
are really an electrician that makes $75 ,000, you have set
yourself up for failure.

Remember . . . don 't be too aggressive, expect to ever find


perfection or put on a false front.

Why the chances of Finding Mr. or Ms. Right on

Facebook is very high

The odds of finding your "soul-mate" on Facebook are a


lot better than you may think. It doesn't happen for
everyone, of course, but it can happen for you. The world
of Face book dating has exploded over the last few years.

72
As our lives become busier and busier we need to make
better use of our time and energy in our search for the one
man who will make our lives complete.

The old saying, "You have to kiss a lot of frogs before


you find a princess" is no longer true. Why kiss frogs
when you can read hundreds of profiles and look at the
pictures that go with them for free on Facebook
applications. That saves time and money . . . not to mention
lip burn.

73
C H APT E R S

Facebook Dating Tips for Men

You would be surp ris ed to find the vari ety and number of
women waiting out there once you h i t the search button
on Facebook. If you were wonderi ng what sort of women
are out there looking for a date , you should know that
there are all types; raucous party girls, opinionated
intellectuals, introverts, art students, single mothers,
corporate women, sweet g i r l -next-door, witty, funny,
ambitious, all sorts of women are there i n the world of
virtual matchmaker. I t is for you to dec i de what you
exactly need in a woman so you may narrow down your
search to a specific cri teri a . Once you have settled on
what type of a woman w i l l suit you the best as a partner,
you may start looking for her.

Understanding Women

74
You will find that you can categorize women into a few
broad types . They are

1. The Serious : They are mostly 3 0+ and ready for a


strong and steady relationship. They know exactly
what they want from a man and are not willing to
play games. They are ready for commitment and
are pretty articulate in their views. They are not
looking for 'boys ' and are not interested in shallow
dating. If you are looking for wife material, then
go for them. Let them see you as a person who has
a genuine purpose along with a sense of humor.
Appeal to their strength and maturity.

2. The fun seeker: She is out there to look for fun and
friendship. She is younger and not yet ready to
settle down with one person. She is of a social
disposition and enjoys entertaining environments.
She is ready for a quick laugh. Appeal to her high
energy and try to be witty. A 'bad-boy' image

75
works best with her. If you are on the look out for
some harmless fun-time, she is the one you are
looking for.

3. The Romantic Dreamer: She will not be witty in


her profile. She will see only the good things
around her. They seem to be soul searching stil l.
They will use phrases like "fantastic" and
"amazing person." Be a father figure to them. Use
light humor and wit with her. If you are naturally
protective towards women they are the ones for
you.

4. The Intellectual Realist: They are women who


have been disappointed by men personality-wise.
They will appear to be probing and concerned
about details. She might ask you questions like
"How many women have you dated so far?" or
even "Why are you on the net looking for a date?"
This usually stems from her sense of insecurity or

76
as a result of being treated poorly be men in the
past. You have to gain her trust and can be
rewarded by having a woman who will be strong
and independent in the long run. You have to be
very genuine to win her trust. These types of
women can be very loyal even if they come across
as pessimistic or dark at first.

5. The Illusionist: They are the classic role players.


They have preconceived ideas about how a man
should interact with them. She will place certain
requirements on attributes because they signify a
stereotype . For example she will say "I am a
typical . . . . . girl" or "I want . . . . type of guy." You
have to try to match her ' type ' and see whether her
'type ' matches your own.

When you are looking for a date, one side of it is to have


somebody who matches you. The other side is. you have
to be the one for her as well. For that, you have to give an

77
accurate picture of yourself so she can see whether you fit
her criteria or not. Therefore, while creating your profile
on Facebook try to fill in as many details as possible so
the user at the other end might get a specific picture of
your persona. It will help her to know not only about your
preferences in women, but also about you. Be very
careful when you fill out the personal information and try
to leave out cheesy comments on sex, women etc. These
are sure to put women off who are looking for a mature
and sensitive guy they can enter into a relationship with.
Even girls who are on the lookout for some fun time will
not appreciate it if you come across as somebody who
obj ectifies women. While filling out the part about your
interests, try to be a bit intriguing. The woman who is
looking at your profile should have her interest piqued so
she wants to know more about you. Try to take up some
hobby or sports, if not too exotic, like Tai Chi, perhaps
poetry or psychology. This will make you appear as a
multifaceted person, which women like. But be sure to be
genuinely interested in the subject you post, because you

78
do not want to be caught on the wrong foot if probed
deeper on that subject. That would be a disaster and make
you look dishonest. The idea is not to deceive anyone in
any shape, way or form. It is to allow women a glimpse
into your world, and based on that, they can see just how
similar or appealing to them you actually are.

The first impression is the most lasting impression, and


the first impression that a person is going to have about
you on Facebook is by looking at your photo. Be sure you
have a good array of your photos posted. They should
show you smiling a lot, having fun, surrounded by friends
and family. These are social proofs so one can see you are
a well rounded person having real friends, not some geek
who inhabits the virtual world for lack of human society.
It will also convince people you are a family guy, which
is attractive to women.

While filling out the Relationship Status, try not to be too


desperate. If you come across as a "Whatever I can get"

79
kind of guy, women are sure to leave you alone. Try to
portray yourself as a person who i s l ooking for friendship
and commitment at first look. Do not scare women away
by being too needy.

After you have completed your profile. get a woman


friend or relative to check it out. She will give you
important tips on what women look for in a man,
especially in the virtual world. She wi l l be able to spot
anything that can alarm your potential date. She might,
for example, advise you to leave the group called "Hot
Sluts R Us," as this will certainly give a very wrong
impression about you.

Now that you have completed uploading your profile,


you are ready to approach women for a date. The best
way to go about it is to ' poke ' her. Thi s will allow you to
gauge how interested she is when she pokes you back. It
will also save time because you w i l l not need to come up
with witty messages to arouse her interest. When you

80
poke a person, she might remove the poke or poke you
back. If she is interested in your profile, she will poke
back. You can even poke multiple women at a time. Your
pokes are NOT recorded in your mini-feed so people
won 't see that you're poking (or sending messages) to
several women every day. As you are looking for a date
in the minimum possible time and with the minimum
possible fuss, you might want to approach several women
at a time to speed things up. People will not think you are
' creepy ' or accuse you of playing around as they would in
a social setting. Once you see somebody you really like,
you will want to take it up further with her. You can even
start up several friendships (it is a network, after all), but
have that special friendship with a single person.

After your potential date has poked you back, you are
ready to start messaging her. What do you say? Try to
keep your message short and sweet. You might ask her
about her interests and hobbies and start up a
conversation. For example, you might say, "Hey, I see

81
that you are interested in dancing, so do you like Salsa? I
am on the lookout for a good dancing club, do you know
any around your area?" You might also lightly flirt with
her. Such as "Is that really you in the picture?" to which
she will mostly respond "Yes. Why do you ask?" She will
be curious about what you think of her and you can start
from there and go on further.

Do not spend too much time on reading her profile. You


do not want to spend all your logging time on one woman
alone, right? The time you spend reading her whole
profile will only cut short your time for reaching out to
other women. Therefore, take the easiest way to know the
suitability of a particular person. How? Go straight to her
interests. What does she like to do? What are her
passions, her hobbies, her sports, her likes? Check her
out, see if she is cute, whether her interests match yours
and if not then move on to the next potential partner. If
you find there is anything that interests you then start up
a conversation with her, maybe poke her and wait for her

82
response. In the meantime, look up other potential dates .
The last word on Facebook dating is to get into the real
world as soon as possible. It is all very well to get to
know somebody through social networking, but the real
objective should be to get a partner in real life. Therefore,
after you have successfully built up a friendship based on
mutual trust, ask her out for that cup of coffee.

How to Emotionally Connect with Women on

Facebook

Heads up, gents. Facebook dating can open up new doors


of opportunities with a little help from real world dating
tips that work. Spice up your matchmaking with some of
these ideas.

Looks Count

Comment on how attractive she is. Yes, women do want


to know they are pretty, even if they're online and you

83
can 't see them and have no idea. So m your
communications, ask questions that would help you
know, but in an unobtrusive way like - how do you wear
your hair? And then say how attractive that must look.

Kindness Counts

Point out nice things or the lemonade in life - nice things


the other person has mentioned, nice acts the person has
done, good things on the news latterly, etc . Be upbeat,
and forget those lemons in life. Even in email a person
can shout, by using all capital letters. So show manners
and kindness. Keep swearing, unkind remarks, prejudice,
etc. out of your communications. And "do unto
others . . . . "

So add some helpful real-world tips that do work (a lot of


the time anyway) into your online dating equations . And
come up on the positive side of romance - and enjoy
more lemonade !

84
CHAPTER 9

Facebook Dating Tips for Women

The basic tools for searching for a date on Facebook are


the same for both men and women. You can go to Speed
Dating 2.0 or Zoosk or try out other applications, games
etc. , for looking for your man. But there are some
fundamental differences in the approach for that date as
far as women are concerned. Before embarking on
Facebook for a date hunt, women must get two very vital
questions addressed. The first is, what is a man seeking
from a woman? The next question follows the first. What
do you, as a woman, want in a man? You have to tackle
the first question in order to find the answer to the
second. So, what do you think a man is seeking?

Understanding Men

First of all, a man is seeking a love interest. This may


85
surprise many women but men want to l ove and be loved
in return. It is very difficult to fi nd a loving woman which
is apparent in how many men try and hang on when they
think they have found thei r M iss R ight.

Men are seeking a woman who is attractive. Women may


despair that men can be so shal l ow and that looks could
matter so much, but that is how it i s . Looks do matter. To
do them justice, men are not exactly looking for a
catwalk model and many men do not actually prefer
mannequin figures. But men do want to be with a woman
who takes pride in her appearance (though not
excessively). Men are proud of having a girlfriend who
looks good and honestly, so do women (they too l ike to
be with men who are decent and attractive in
appearance).

Men are looking for a trustworthy partner. By trustworthy


they mean they want someone they can have faith in and
someone who will be there for them. This may sound

86
politically incorrect, but the fact is, some women are not
trustworthy and many are not faithful either. That kiss at a
Christmas party may not count nor the flirtatious
behavior with the gorgeous barman. It might be all
innocent fun and part of a woman's character. But reverse
the situation and as a woman, you would hate him doing
the same. Just as a woman is looking for a partner who
will be there for her through thick and thin, so are men.
They want a woman who will commit to them.

Many men want to make a home eventually. They are


looking for a woman who will be a willing partner in
home life. Women with a sociable lifestyle are attractive
because they can be relied upon to keep the social diary
running in a long term relationship.

Gentleness and kindness are qualities attributed to


femininity. Men are seeking feminine women because
they believe deep down these are the qualities that make a
woman a great mother. A man who is looking for a long

87
term partner finds these qualities are an attraction to
them. It might not be that the man himself needs
mothering, though some do, but it is more the point that
men seek the attributes in women that point to someone
who would make a good mother to their future offspring.

Men want women with a sense of humor. You will


sometimes hear about a girl who is 'one of the boys'.
What this means is that she is able to fit in with their
sense of humor and is sociable and fun to be with. Such
women are extremely attractive to many men. Men want
to have a good time and relax when not working and so
their ideal partners are women who are able to be there
on the same boat with them on this.

Men are looking for women who retain their femininity


while being strong and independent. Nowadays aping
men may be a female fashion statement, but it doesn't
make them attractive. While it is true that every woman
in the world has the right to drink pints of beer and swear

88
loudly, it doesn't necessarily mean that makes them
attractive to the opposite sex . You can say men will just
have to get used to it, but the fact of the matter is they
don't. What men want from their drinking buddies and
what they want from their romantic partner may not be
the same thing and they have equal rights, as women, to
exert that choice by not choosing the women who behave
like a drinking buddy.

Men want a woman who can debate and converse and is


able to discuss. Communication is vital. But they
definitely do not want a shrew who is shouting loudly at
every opportunity.

So now you know. Men want in women attractiveness,


commitment, femininity, honesty, trustworthiness, sense
of humor, intelligence and a potential homemaker. Tough
to meet, isn't it, in one go? Therefore, you have to now
ask yourself what you want in men. More or less, if you
exchange the word ' femininity ' with 'masculinity, ' which

89
means a person should know his mind and be more of a
doer than a thinker, women want the same things in men
that men want in women. But there are some differences
in the approach of finding a date as far as men and
women are concerned. That is because the social
placement of men and women are different. Women have
to be more subtle and allow the men to think he is the
decision maker, especially when it comes to picking and
choosing a mate. Therefore, always let men come to you,
never chase them via e-mail. Remain aloof and allow
yourself to be chased. Also, men are intrigued by a
challenging woman, someone who keeps them on their
toes. Men are generally easy going in relationships once
they feel secure about it. Only when a man is challenged
will he sit up and do something about it. Therefore if you
want to keep your man interested, keep him challenged.
Make it a point to answer at least 3 days after you receive
the e-mail from a potential partner. Try not to reply to e­
mails on weekends, wait for a weekday. Do not log on
for hours on end. Rapid, short visits work the best. On the

90
other hand, ignore a man who does not reply to your e­
mail within 3 days.

How to Emotionally Connect with Men on Facebook

First, start with your picture. Choose a picture which


shows you as a brightly smiling person, elegant and
classy. Photos that may cast a negative light on your
personality should be avoided. The user who is going to
visit your profile will gather his first impression of you
by your photo and after one look he must not move on.
Photos of you and four other girls being drunk at a bar
making faces at each other is not exactly the best way to
impress a guy that you are smart and classy. Ideally, have
a close-up photo of your face and a full body image
which shows, without being overly revealing, the shape
of your body. This will give the person an idea about your
overall look. A head shot might be deceiving as he will
not have any idea about your general shape. Do not be
self conscious about your physique. Either way,

91
remember that there are a l l types of p eo p l e who have al l

types of preferences . The whole idea i s to matc h those


preferences, isn't it? T h e sooner the guy sees who he is
talking to, the better.

Once you have chosen your photo . next c omes your


profile. Start with an i nt e resting and e n g a gi n g headline.
With an interesting he adl i n e , a l ong w i t h the photo, the
user will want to know more about you and read on . The
headline of your profile should stand out among the
others ' . Once you have started with your profile, keep it
short and sharp. Making a long essay out of your life and
interests will not hold a p erson ' s attention for long.
While it is true that b ei n g attract i ve to look at does not
hurt, the surprising re a l i ty is that phys i c a l l y attractive
women are not that uncommon . M en get to see them at a
bar, social events, parties and so on . Meeting a woman
who has a personal ity to matc h ma k e s her more than
attractive, it makes her u n i que. So. your personal ity is to
be projected with as muc h importance as your l ooks

92
when posting your profile. Make sure your profile is not
boring. It should not be a bland, typical, trite list of
adjectives of how educated, intelligent, honest and
compassionate you are. Post a few of your thoughts and
opinions on random things you think and care about and
that will attract the guy who is right for you. Your ideas
and opinions about anything and everything matters. Try
to share a few in your profile so it attracts like-minded
guys.

While it is interesting to know about your thoughts and


opinions, do not make it so it turns off guys. What might
seem harmless from a woman's point of view might be
perceived differently by a man. When you write that "I
am independent" you might come across as too
aggresstve, confrontational and even lacking m

femininity. If you are independent then so be it; there are


lots of guys who like independent women, but no need to
emphasize that in your profile. Let them find it out for
themselves gradually and see whether they like you or

93
not. On the other hand, if you write "I am bubbly and
cheerful" you might seem to be immature and shallow.
Any serious person will perceive you as light headed and
steer way from you. "I am as comfortable going out as I
am staying in;" "I like to work hard and play hard," "I
live each day as if it was the last day of my life;" "I like
to have fun;" "Sometimes I wear jeans and t-shirt and
sometimes I like to dress up;" "I don't like drama" - these
types of statements are cliched, grossly overused, and
communicate to most perceptive guys who are selective
about women that you are just another girl who doesn't
have anything better to say about herself. Again, if you
hype too much on your skydiving or boarding skills or try
hard to portray yourself as a fitness freak. you might
seem like some kind of "Indiana Jones" and guys might
assume you are an adrenaline junkie who is trying to
impress by showing how active you are. If you talk too
much about your kids, men will automatically assume
you are too preoccupied with them. You will come across
as emotionally unavailable for dating. If you have a kid,

94
then that much information is enough on your first
profile. When you strike up a friendship with a potential
date, let him find out more about your kid and you as a
mother at his own pace. It is a given you are a mother and
you will think the world about your child, no need to rub
it in. The whole point is that your profile should be
interesting, but at the same time you should avoid
appearing to try too hard. Try to be as natural as possible
when you write about yourself without putting too much
emphasis on any of your particular attributes.

In general, try to make your profile as honest and


succinct as possible. Make it interesting so that men who
are on the look out for potential dates stop and read on.
At the same time, your profile should be accurate and
specific so that men get a very good idea about who you
are. Tell as much as possible. yes, but not to the extent
that it becomes a winding chronicle. And tell as little so
as to appear intriguing so men will try to find out more by
poking you. The reality is men are looking for

95
exceptionally interesting people to meet on Social Media.
While meeting people in the real world may be more
thrilling and rewarding, you can make your Facebook
dating as interesting as possible by writing a captivating
profile. Facebook has a number of quality men who are
looking for quality women like you, so go and get some
male attention.

Now we come to the next question. What do you, as a


woman, want in a man? If you are looking for a
committed relationship then you need to look for men
who are mature, who are looking for wife material . Try to
get to know about your potential date on Facebook from
his profile. Take a genuine interest in his hobbies, his
likes and dislikes. Come across as a person who is ready
to give attention to her man. This will appeal to a man
who is looking for commitment.

If you are looking for fun, with no strings, then look for
men who are looking for fun too. They usually like to

96
portray themselves as 'bad boys ' even if they rarely are.
Pretend to believe in their 'bad boy' -ness and they will be
happy to strike up a friendship with you. Mention the
places you like to visit and see if it matches his. If so, you
can meet up and have a date and take it up from there. It
will stroke their ego to know that an intelligent, smart,
funny girl like you actually prefers a rogue like him and
you both can have some fabulous time together after
meeting up.

If you are looking for pure, unadulterated romance then


look for profiles which state the man is a bit older than
you. They will be looking for a woman who they can
romance, the ideal ' father figure ' will appeal to both your
and his romantic nature. Both of you can expand each
others ' world by exchanging your imagination and asking
each other how you feel and what you see in this
imaginary world.

If you have been disappointed by men before, the first

97
thing you will be look i ng for i n a man i s probably
trustworthiness. Do not be afra i d to c om e forward with
questions. Ask forthright, .. I s th i s the fi rst time you a re

seeking a date through Fac ebook ? " I f you feel the guy is
genuine enough, only t h e n go for i t . Take i n the details
from the photo he has p o s t e d . f l ow i s he dressed? What
can you see in the background of h i s ph oto? I f he says he
is a university graduate and posts a photo with a beer can
in hand in front of the trash b i n . then obviously he i s a

phony. But you cannot always spot a phony right away. I n

that case, take i n the deta i l s about h i s fam i ly, h i s friends,


his workplace and see i f h i s perso n a l ity matc hes with
what he is saying.

9X
CHAPTER 1 0

Things not to do on Facebook - for Men

There was a time when interacting with people online


was seen as something done by ' losers . ' Not so
nowadays. With the progress of social networking and the
advent of Social Media as a platform, it is the perfect way
to meet quality people over a very short space of time.
When you are expecting to meet quality women, be
prepared to be a quality man yourself. There are certain
mindsets you have to leave at the gate once you enter the
world of Facebook dating. The first one is, do not see
women as people to be manipulated. You have to assume
a woman who is on Facebook looking for a potential
partner already knows who or what she wants. They are
on Facebook so they may expand their horizons and their
inner selves. Just be the man who can deliver her those
and you will win her over. Never, ever try to manipulate
the woman with whom you are interested in having a
99
relationship, because a woman who is computer savvy,
educated and looking for a match can spot that a mile
away. It will get you nowhere.

On the other hand, just because you are about to meet


women who are potentially smart and educated, there is
no need to see them as goddesses. They are normal
people with their joys and pains, rewards and problems
just like yourself. Treat them as such.

When you are complimenting a woman you have just met


on Facebook, remember that most attractive women have
insecurities about their appearance too. Do not show
unnecessary admiration to someone just for the sake of
appearing to be suave, because women do not appreciate
compliments which they feel they do not deserve. Again,
if you give compliments to somebody who has not earned
yours, they will not appreciate it as they will feel they
have not worked for you.

1 00
When you are posting your profile, do not make it a big
point to talk about your positive attributes . Let it show
naturally. There is no point in trying to sell yourself. That
may work the first time, but in the long run it will not. If
you are into sports, or music, then that will come up
naturally in your messages, chats and so on. There is no
need to press a point as it might show you up as a brag.

Never talk about your ex girlfriends or worse, post photos


of them. That will put off any prospective date
immediately. She will have the impression you are still
carrying the baggage from your earlier relationship and
leave you to move on to the next unattached guy.

Try to avoid destructive wordings as much as possible.


For example, if your start a sentence with ••1 hate my
j ob . . . " that gives off a very negative vi be about yourself.
Do not highlight your dislike for your career, j ob or
condition in life. Women do not take kindly to losers and
this type of talk will make you seem like one. Instead,

101
highlight the positive aspects.

Statements that indicate prejudice (blondes are less


intelligent) or lack of self worth (will you be my friend -
I am so lonely) are a strict no-no.

If you want to be romantic, be so. Do not talk about it, "I


am a very romantic sort of person" will only make you
look silly. Women know better than that. A woman who is
looking for a romantic kind of guy will immediately feel
this is not genuine. Romance is something that has to be
built-up. You do not declare it in public.

Do not try to be outrageous. Being a 'bad boy ' is one


thing but coming across as an insensitive person will get
you nowhere with women. If you find a woman to be
challenging, take up that challenge silently. Do not make
statements about her and say "I love challenges" because
that might alienate a woman who is used to being in
control.

1 02
Do not say anything that is offensive, racist, sexist,
politically controversial, or degrading. This will turn
away potential suitors.

While posting your photos, avoid ugly or disorderly


backgrounds. Women are sure to check up the
environment where you have snapped your photo and
match it with your statements about yourself. Do not post
a photo with your shirt off, with a sad or miserable face,
or photos which might be inappropriate (for example with
women at bars etc.). Lastly, do not send a blurry photo of
yourself.

While on the subj ect of photos, do not message women


with only one photo. Keep an album ready on your
Facebook page so that the woman who wants to know
you can go through them and get an overall picture of
you. You might post a photo of yourself at work, while
another one may be while you are at your hobby. You can
also have photos while relaxing by yourself, or in your

1 03
domestic environment. Post i n g ph otos with different
settings also gives her an i dea of what your lifestyle is
really like. That way both of you c a n save time.

1 04
CHAPTER 1 1

Things not to do on Facebook - for Women

While being on the lookout for a potential date, women


must be aware of avoiding certain tendencies, and the
same thing applies after you have found a potential date,
if you hope to continue a relationship with the guy. The
first point is not to mention anything about your physical
appearance. Let your photo do the talking, not you. A
woman saying "I am attractive" does not make you
attractive to a guy. If he finds you attractive, he will do so
without any prompting. At the same time, mentioning
anything about your coloring, height, weight etc . comes
across as a turn off to most men. The photo is there, let
him be the judge. The same goes for your sense of
humor, intelligence, sense of empathy etc. The statement
" I am intelligent" means nothing. If you are
compassionate, caring, intelligent etc. it will come across
automatically as you make progress with your friend
1 05
online. No need to mention it as that might either make
you look like a conceited person who is too full of herself
or worse, mouthing inanities with no knowledge about
your inner self.

Do not unnecessarily restrict the type of guy you would


like to meet. You never know who might suit you in the
long run. If you write "I only want guys around 35 years
of age" then a nice and bright young man of 3 6 will not
respond and who knows, he might have been the one for
you. Again if you write "I want guys who can be a father
to my kids" that has the potential to turn most men away
as they feel that being a good parent is a precondition to
dating you. Do not frighten men away or discourage them
too much. Keep your options relatively open.

Do not focus too much on your children. It is true men


sometimes like the mother nature kind of women, but if
you go on too much about your children then he will fee]
left out and eventually leave you to find someone to

1 06
whom he will come first.

Do not ever post misleading photos. This will create a


very negative impact, especially on Facebook where the
social networking is so efficient. Other people will
immediately know about you and avoid you later as you
will come across as a person not to be trusted.

Do not chat with too many men at the same time. The
delay in replying is a dead giveaway. Men will not
appreciate being one among many. On the other hand, do
not log on for a very long period at any time. That will
give the impression that you have no active social life at
all . This will make people suspicious of you and turn
away potential partners.

Do not try to reply to messages with clever opening lines.


Be yourself. There is nothing wrong if clever witty lines
come naturally to you, but if you try too hard that shows.
It will not only make you look silly, but trying too hard

1 07
will also make you look too needy. Therefore, be your
natural self and all will be fine.

Do not post photos with inappropriate clothing. For


example, even if you have the figure for it, flaunting
yourself in a beach photo with you in a bikini will not
create the right impression if you are to attract a man who
likes women with looks and brains. You might come
across as a sexy goddess but little else. Again, if you post
a photo of yourself in a brown shapeless pantsuit, men
will get the impression you are a nerd who is trying to
highlight her nerdiness and hide her body because she has
a shapeless body. Either way, you lose.

You might be looking for commitment or a long term


relationship. But do not start on that right away. Allow
the friendship to develop and see if that happens on its
own. Otherwise there is no point in harping on it and
being a pest. This is as true on Facebook dating as in real
life dating. There is no point in scaring the guy away

1 08
even before it has begun. If he is not the one, then
desperate messages from your end will not help.

Do not try to pretend something you are not. If you are


not a sex siren then you are not. Not every man is looking
for one anyway. If you are the intellectual type, then do
not try to be the girl next door because that is what you
think your new friend would prefer. It will not last in the
long run, therefore abandon the quest then and there and
look elsewhere where you might find a more matched
partner. Otherwise, he will eventually see through the
charade and think you are dishonest.

Do not give away your phone number or address until


you are very sure. Stalkers and other types of criminals
are not unknown in the cyber world. Keep an eye out for
safety.

Do not reveal your location, phone number or any other


personal detail at first go. While stating your present

1 09
location, you may on ly w i sh to l i st your state and not the
city. You may even want to th i n k about using a nearby
city or town, especi a l l y i f you l i ve i n a small town. If an
Internet predator w a nte d to contact you and you lived in a

small town, it could be q u i te easy for them to find you.


Only when you are sure that you want to meet the guy in
person can you afford to be more i n form ative . Even then,
it is safer to first meet the guy at a p l ace that is fairly
public, and see what you find. I f you th ink you want to
see this person on a regu lar bas i s . only then reveal your
address and other personal i n formati on .

1 10
CHAPTER 1 2

Protecting your Privacy on Facebook

While it is amazing how social networking services such


as Facebook have made life easier, it has also opened the
gates of different types of cyber crimes which were
unknown before. Monetary frauds and seams, stealing
your identity, not to mention cyber stalking and even real
life crimes originating from Facebook are becoming more
and more common nowadays. Therefore, it is important
to be aware of the privacy and security settings of
Facebook before you start logging onto the site.

When you are on the main page of your Facebook profile,


you will see a settings option, which is a drop down menu
for access to Account Settings, Privacy Settings and
Application Settings.

Clicking settings alone will take you to the My Account


111
menu and the Settings tab. Most users manage their
privacy settings going here.

After that you will move to the privacy area, where you
can select what privacy settings you want to control. In
this section you will start with ' Profile. ' The Profile
Information section has been broken down into a granular
level of access based on the information you enter. Here
you can control who has access to things you have
entered in ' Personal Info, ' ' About Me, ' ' Religious views, '
' Political views, ' your wall posts, video posts, photos,
and comments. This part may seem a bit confusing as
there are no explanations as to what each setting means or
what others can see etc. Overall, if you enter Everyone, it
means that literally everyone who is on Facebook can see
your profile. ' Friends of Friends ' section means your
friends will see your profile, and their friends will too.
Lastly, you have the ' Only Friends ' option, meaning only
those you have added as friends can see your profile.

1 12
The pnvacy section IS m the upper right part of the
screen. You can look at your profile after each change and
view what most people on Facebook will see. You can
also select the ' customize ' option. Facebook has also
added the ' Only Me' option. which will prevent everyone
but you from seeing the information. You can also
actively block certain people from access if you wish.

In each part of the Profi le Information settings, make sure


you take the time to check each section and select the
option that best matches what you wish to share. It seems
like this is common sense advice. but a good deal of
Facebook users never check this section.

The ability to control access to your Photos and Videos is


very important. You do not want everyone to see your
photos or videos which may contain material meant for
private viewing. The subtitle in this section offers the
same controls (Everyone, Only Friends, Friends of
Friends, Customize) as the other sections in this area of

1 13
the privacy center. In short, the ' Photos and Videos of
Me' options allow you to control the l ink under your
profile image. If you set this to 'Everyone, ' then when
someone sees your profile they can link to tagged images
of you. But, as Facebook explains "While there is the
option to block users from viewing the tagged photos
section on your own profile, there is no way to restrict the
visibility of a photo that you are not the owner of."

The ' Posts by Me' section grants access over who can see
your posts, notes, links, photos, and video. You can pick
from the several options here as well. Again, the section
for ' Posts by Friends ' (available if you allow friends to
post to your wall), covers the same things, but is directed
at comments or posts made by friends to your profile.
This way you are able to control who is allowed to
comment on your things as well, which is another layer
of selective privacy.

In the ' Photo Album " section, there is a separate page

1 14
that controls who can see the images you have posted.
Again, here you can check the settings and pick the one
that best matches your desired level of privacy.

When it comes to selecting the settings for pnvacy


related to profile, everyone will have a different criteria.
You have to be aware about what information you have
already posted in your profile, and how comfortable you
are with people viewing it. You should never post
personal and sensitive information in Facebook, and what
information you do post should always be considered
before being published. Does anyone really need to know
which street you are currently living on or which
cafeteria you frequent?

Always try to select the ' Only Friends ' option for all of
your settings. Also select the check-box that will permit
only your friends to post on your wall.

The part in Facebook of your profile that governs contact

1 15
information, such as IM, Phone, address, Website,
Hometown, and Ema i l , has a separate se ction. Here also
you have the same level of access opti ons as in other
sections, such as ' Everyone , ' ' On ly F rien ds, ' ' Friends of
Friends, ' or ' Custom . ' When you con figure this section,
you should avoid the Everyone option for the best
privacy. Otherwise the entire web population will come
to know about your pho ne number and address, which is
not desirable at all. H ere too you can see the information
available at any g i ven moment to other Facebook users.

However, none of these privacy sett i ngs will really matter


if you are in a rush to col l ect the most friends, which
might happen if yo u are on the l ook out for dates. Well, it
is understandable yo u want to meet as many people as
possible in the shorte st poss i b l e time, but you should be
cautious while adding fri ends . The best way is to add
those who you know or knew at one t i m e personal ly, and
if a friend of theirs offers someth ing of i n teres t , such as
personality or common i nterests for e x a mple , consider

1 16
adding them as well.

On Facebook, there are several applications to use, for


example quizzes, gifts, games and so on. However, some
are completely malicious. When you or a friend use an
application, the application will have access to almost
everything on your profile. As Facebook explains,
"Applications you use will access your Facebook
information in order for them to work. When you visit a
Facebook enhanced application or website, it may access
any information you have made visible to Everyone [sic]
as well as your publicly available information. This
includes your Name, Profile Picture, Gender, Current
City, Networks, Friend List, and Pages. The application
will request your permission to access any additional
information it needs." Therefore, you can ignore certain
application invites, block applications, and limit the
information friends can share about you. This gives you
control over what information is to be shared to
applications.

1 17
You will find a "What your friends can share about you"
section on the Applications area of Facebook. "When
your friend visits a Facebook enhanced application or
website, they may want to share certain information to
make the experience more social. For example, a greeting
card application may use your birthday information to
prompt your friend to send a card," explains Facebook.
There is a catch to this . The minute you use these
applications, you end up handing over Name, Profile
Picture, Gender, Current City, Networks, Friend List,
Pages, and information set to Everyone in your privacy
controls. Therefore, the best option here is to opt out of
everything to best control privacy. Otherwise, be picky
and selective if you choose to allow something. You have
to be very sure about what you want to share.

In this section there is also the ability to list the


applications you have blocked from the request page, and
if you wish. you can remove them. You can also list
friends you want to ignore application invites from as

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well.

Change your Facebook password often. Never use a


password that is a match or even close to a password used
for financial transactions online (PayPal, banking, Google
checkout, etc.). Your password should also not be the
same as in any email account. When it comes to the
secret question. pick a phrase that no one would know,
something that cannot be guessed, and use it as the
answer. In short, lie and say the name of your first pet
was not Oscar but "academy awards". If necessary write
down the password, but do not use one that is easily
memorized. A password that seems easy to memorize is
also easy to hack.

Under the Privacy settings menu, you have the option to


block users on Facebook. This is a handy way to deal
with stalkers, harassment, and Spammers. This is in
addition to actually reporting the person to Facebook at
abuse@facebook.com.

1 19
Computer Safety First

Facebook dating can be fun. But don't neglect safety and


common sense when you try to hook up with a mate.
Protect Your Computer. Take care of your equipment and
systems before you head out into the Internet realm. You
need to have a firewall and anti-virus protection for your
email and for when you search websites and interact
online. At the bare minimum, you may want these two
solutions that are offered at no charge to home computer
users (i.e. not for commercial use):

(Search Google for Free Firewall Download: ZoneAlarm


and Free Anti-Virus Download: AVG Anti-Virus)

1 20
CHAPTER 13

Staying Safe with Facebook Dating

Facebook comes with several unique risk factors which


you should be aware of so you may protect yourself from
these risks. It is not necessary that risks be related to your
seeking a date, but the site itself is vulnerable to certain
risks, a few of which are listed below.

Nigerian seam or 4 1 9 was a widely popular Internet seam


among spammers a few years ago. Nowadays it has
changed its form and attacks users of social networks as
well. 4 1 9 seams are easy to spot when coming via emails.
They contain requests for money from supposedly rich
individuals in countries such as Nigeria (and other
countries, mostly African), from which the fraud gets its
name. But, their attacks on Facebook are much craftier,
because they hij ack the identities of real people known to
Facebook members and ask for money under an
12 1
apparently plausible gm se. The trou b l e i s that many
Facebook users actual ly do not even kno w how many
friends they have on the s i te, what they a re all doing and
where they are located. A l l of these provi de the scammers
with a lot of useful information for the at tack. Before you
send cash to friends in troub l e , try to re ac h them outside
of the social network, e i ther by phone or e-mail. Counter­
check before replying to any of these ty pes of monetary
requests . Also, you can ask a personal question that a
hacker could not figure out from i n formati on given in the
profile.

Widgets or the third-party app l ications y o u can add onto


your account are a popular app l i cation on Facebook.
However, sometimes, w i dgets can turn into rogues and
steal your data. The first rogue w i dget sho wed up in 2008
which was a program cal led ' Secret Crush. ' Instead of
helping you find your v i rtual adm i rers, it installed spy­
ware onto your c om p uter. What 's ev en worse, it
encouraged you to spread ' the love ' by getting other

1 22
friends on-board. Secret Crush has since been tackled and
disabled, but the risk of similar threats still exists. For
example, according to security experts, another
application called ' Error Check System' was sending out
misleading notification messages. You should be aware
that when you accept and install one of these
applications, whether they are malicious or not, you are
granting access to all the info in your profile. Therefore,
when installing third-party applications on Facebook, use
extra caution.

The Koobface Virus obviously is an anagram of


' Facebook' . Once the virus infects your computer, it
starts sending messages or wall posts to your Facebook
friends and directs them to some ' hilarious video ' or
something equally ' interesting ' . Most Facebook users
trust their virtual friends, therefore this is a great way for
hackers to access users ' private information. Usually, the
malware link promises an exciting video, but when the
user clicks on it, a Web page with a fake Adobe Flash

1 23
update or a fake codec that needs to be downloaded is
presented. A malware is hidden in that fake download.
Anti-virus software can help keep you safe, but users
should use some common sense too. Do not click on any
suspicious link. Verify with your friend and ask them
what they might have sent to you instead. If they are
equally confused as you are, or do not have any clue to it,
then just delete the message you have received.

Phishing, which has been a favorite hacker tactic for


years, has found new life at social networking sites,
especially on Facebook. Users are tricked with links that
open official-looking Facebook log-in prompts. But once
you enter your user-name and password, the information
is logged and your account becomes theirs. This is the
way they steal your identity. As with the previous advice
- watch where you click. Plus, if you are ever asked for
your password once you are already logged in, do not
enter it. If necessary, manually navigate back to the
Facebook home page instead, and then log in again in the

1 24
regular way.

Facebook user groups can sometimes be cleverly


disguised marketing tools. and when you click the join
link, you inadvertently become part of the bandwagon,
whether you realize it or not. Spammers usually pick
something familiar for their user group name, fooling
thousands of members . Usually their primary goal is to
build a mass mailing list for marketing their products.
While this is not as harmful as getting malware on your
PC or losing money, it is still a deceiving technique. You
do not want this unwarranted and undesirable distraction
while you are logged on for a specific purpose. Be very
selective when joining groups . If you are not sure about
the group details, do not accept the request.

So, in this virtual world of social networking, Who Do


You Trust? Who you can trust is the most important
question you should ask yourself when dealing with web
networking. In order to stay safe, it is vital that every

125
social network user learns to maintain control of his I her
own information, carefully selecting with whom to share
it. It is best to start off with friends you know in the real
world and then expand to friends of friends and thus
gradually expand your horizon. It is better to be safe than
sorry, as we know, therefore do not rush in to make too
many unknown friends at the same time. Stop and think
before you click on a link, download a message or answer
an apparently innocent anonymous quiz. If you choose
the wrong answer, it could cost you not only money but
things that are in many ways a lot more valuable than
money.

1 26
Chapter 14

Benefits outweigh the Risks

on Facebook Dating

While there are certain risks involved in Facebook


interactions, they are no more or no less than in any other
social networking service. It is quite safe to use as long
as you get to maintain a certain set of rules which you
have seen discussed in previous chapters. Apart from the
risks involved, there are quite a lot of advantages, as well
as disadvantages of dating on Facebook. When you are
logged on to Facebook, you find a lot of people are there
looking for friendship. Out of them, a number of people
are looking for love as well. As soon as you go through
their profiles, you get to know who is looking for what. It
is a great time saver as you do not have to meet
somebody and then try to find out their relationship status
and again find out whether both of you are compatible or
not. All this can be done by the click of a mouse. It also
1 27
saves the awkwardness and confusion of approaching
someone who m ig h t not be i n terested in starting a

relationship after al l .

You also get, literally, a n un l i m i ted number o f different


choices. With over 400 m i l l i on and counting users
logging on, Facebook gives you an abundance of
opportunities to meet new peop l e l i ke no other. If you are
looking for love onl ine, then you can p l ace a safe bet not
only will you find it on Facebook, but you wi ll in fact
find it more than once.

You can learn about someone's personal i ty on Facebook


real fast. True, some peop l e do share a little too much
information, but that h e l p s you to get to know a little bit
more about them in the process. Aga i n . some people are
more likely to keep certa i n i n formation about themselves
private. The true persona l i ty wi l l shine through
eventually though. In a rea l l i fe s i tuation, when you meet
somebody you know you are l oo k i ng for somebody who

1 28
will be of a cheerful and happy disposition. When you
meet the guy I girl, you see that he I she is the serious
type. The whole date goes wrong, and you cannot
extricate yourself from the situation till the dinner is over.
The whole evening is wasted. Again, the person who
seemed to be studious in the university campus turns out
to be a tattoo freak when you get closer to him I her. On
Facebook you immediately know what personality type
the person is. Most people tend to be more open about
themselves when on the net and this helps in knowing a
person more intimately at the first go than if you had to
meet in a social setting. If the studious type is a tattoo
freak then chances are that he will mention that on his
profile and you will know about it right away, or in
subsequent messages much earlier on than in real life
situation.

You can chat or trade private messages on Facebook


without giving away your e-mail address. That way you
are assured of complete privacy yet at the same time take

1 29
your time to find out who or what the person is like
before taking it up to the next level.

You can tell a lot about a person by the people they hang
around with. This is possible on Facebook as you get to
know that person 's friends too. You will be able to see
who this person is friends with in real life and see how
they interact with their friends to make a more informed
decision. You cannot do that through a traditional dating
service. It is even more difficult in a social setting where
the person you meet might present himself (or herself) in
a way which tells you nothing about his or her other
companions or their backgrounds. That way, Facebook
gives you the complete inside scoop about the person you
are interested in.

Facebook is a site which is primarily dedicated to


promoting social networking among university and
college students. It has a high level of security which is
not found on most of the other dating services. Therefore

1 30
Facebook is the ideal platform if you are single and
looking for a date within your university campus or even
within your own locality. If the contact profile does not
seem appealing as a date, or if you lose interest after
probing a bit further, you can always retain the friendship
through the network. It also allows members to check if
you are coming from the same class, the same academy
or living in the same area and so forth. Facebook makes
it less awkward for the members when communicating
with strangers or people you are not familiar with. Social
restrictions are less binding when you are communicating
online, therefore Facebook is the best way to start up a
conversation with the attractive male I female student you
saw at your campus. What would happen if you really
physically poked a person you liked, say, at a cafe? You
would be labeled as a crazy person, to say the least.
Worse, you could be accused of sexual harassment or
accused of assault. In the virtual poking system, you just
poke a member and see whether he or she is responding.
Accordingly you make your next move. Easy, isn 't it?

131
Facebook allows members to j oin groups having similar
interests and likes and dislikes . So, even if you do not
happen to find your date in a particular group, at least you
get to meet new people with whom you can share a lot of
things in common. That way, j oining a group can never
be a complete waste of time. Even if you do not find your
date, you find friends. It is a win-win situation that way.

Facebook also allows you to look for old friends who you
have lost touch with. That in itself is a satisfying
experience. But what is more, you might find out that the
friend is a lot more interesting now than he I she was
earlier when you knew them at school or as a neighbor.
If not, then friends of that friend open up new vistas for
searching.

The main disadvantage of Face book dating, or any online


dating for that matter, is that it is a substitution. Nothing
can replace the connection that one human being makes
with another while meeting face to face. Facebook

1 32
relationships can be long distance relationships at best.
Long distance relationships weaken over time unlike real
life relationships which have the potential to grow
stronger over time. Since this is a relationship which is
not supported by physical proximity, there is a certain
dilution in the relationship which again is another maj or
drawback of online relationships.

Facebook dating has the potential to contribute to


rampant procrastination. You see somebody you like, and
start a conversation with him I her. So far, so good.
Things go on well for some time. But then when the time
comes to take it up to the next level and arrange for a
meet, you feel, "What if I get somebody even better?"
You postpone the meet. And you do not stop looking but
go on searching for more. In this way, you may end up
looking endlessly, never settling with one person. That
ideal date may remain elusive and you may just go on
searching indefinitely. This is because Facebook offers
unlimited choice and you are in danger of losing yourself

1 33
in it.

Stalking is another maj or risk of Facebook dating. Be


very sure when deciding to meet somebody or before
giving away your personal contact data. In a recent
incident, a known sex offender posed as a teenager and
posted his profile on Facebook . H e even posted a fake
photo as his profile photo . A young girl befriended him,
thinking he was the guy she wanted . They became friends
and then they decided to meet round the corner of her
locality. He met her, assaulted her sexually and then
killed her. Later, her friend said a ll the while the girl had
believed she was befriending a teenage boy, when the
actual person was 35 years of age. Another feature of
Facebook is it works within a community. That
community may be a vast com munity or smal l, but even
in a vast community, you eventually get to know what the
other is doing. There was th i s young man who was an
immigrant in England. He was romantically involved
with a local woman. After some ti me he had to return to

1 34
his country for sometime and hence went abroad. The
girl got lonely, or maybe she outgrew the relationshi p ; in
any case she broke off with the man and started looking
for a new date through Facebook. The man came to
know about this on Facebook itself as they were in the
same community. He came back to England and
murdered her. While these may be extreme cases, it
never hurts to be cautious while striking up new
friendshi p s or divulging too much while on Facebook.

1 35
CHAPTER 1 5

Conclusion

These days, friendship and dating are very different from


what they used to be. In the digital age you can
communicate with people though email, text-messaging,
Facebook and Twitter. It is faster, often cheaper and
easier than maintaining a relationship the traditional way.
It is very simple to have an active social life with the help
of the Internet. If you want to get closer to your existing
friends, find your old friends or make new friends, you
can open an account in online communities such as
Facebook where you can share news, pictures, gifts,
music, ideas, funny videos, play games with your on-line
friends anytime and from anywhere. If you like face-to­
face friendships, you can even go to parties or trips
announced in Facebook groups. For the Facebook users,
dating patterns have also changed. Now people define
their relationship status through their Facebook profiles.
1 36
'Married, ' ' single, ' or ' complicated' are some choices you
find to define your relationship status. If you break up,
there is a little red broken heart icon to represent that as
well. Nowadays, in order to find a soul mate, you have to
take some incentive and some risks . In searching a date in
Facebook, the risk is to publish private information and
start dating in public where everybody sees every thing.
But is there really any privacy for anybody in the digital
world? Therefore, with a little awareness about basic
safety measures, it is much easier to date on Facebook
than on any other online dating service, which comes at a
cost and is limited in ways that Facebook is not. The
interactive site has more users then any dating website
out there. giving users way more options to choose from.
It is also much easier to navigate through and anyone can
join. Also, once you j oin a specific group or network you
have access to a number of people with like minded
interests. This makes it a gold mine for date seekers.

Just ask yourself, "Do I want to meet new people

1 37
online?" If the answer is "Yes" start an account with
Facebook right now. It was difficult to meet other
Internet users before the era of social networking. That
has changed now. Anyone can j oin in. And it comes for
free. You get an unlimited number of choices. You can
create your own profile, project your interests, likes,
dislikes, hobbies and browse through other people 's
profiles and find people with the same kind of mindset,
interests, hobbies etc. Facebook is ideal that way not only
for friendship but for dating as well as its primary focus
is social networking within a community. You might join
the local area community when you are on the lookout for
a date, because it would not be very practical if you meet
somebody online who stays halfway round the world.

While looking for a date, remember that being honest and


genuine helps. Try to be short and sharp as there is no
scope for a rambling long essay about yourself online.
People will simply lose interest and move on. Also,
project a clean and healthy image, both physically and

1 38
mentally. Avoid controversial viewpoints. Take the
necessary safety measures so you are not too exposed to
the public online as your profile and other messages have
the potential of being viewed by a number of people you
really do not know. These are the basic rules which
should help you to get an interesting date on Facebook
and hopefully you will find that lasting relationship you
are looking for.

While it may be easier to find a date on Facebook, that is


only the first step. Life can not rely on the virtual world
indefinitely. The ultimate aim of finding a date through
Facebook is to take it up to the next level and meet in
person. You have to make your date off-line as soon as
possible. However, while arranging for the meet, take
some necessary precautions which will help you avoid
unnecessary wastes of time and maybe even abuse. Strike
up friendships with people who you know or know about
at least in passing. A friend of a friend of a friend will do,
but there should be some link where you can fall back in

1 39
case of any unpleasantness. A l so. when meeting, at least
for the first few times, meet in a pub l i c place with people
around. Do not plan to meet in any area which you do not
know, do not go back to his I h er apartment or any area
that you are unfamil iar with or which seems to be
deserted. Block anyone who seems to make you uneasy
or annoying for any reason. You have that facility on
Facebook. And remember, i f you h a v e to use that broken
heart icon on Facebook , it is not the end. You have your
membership still, right? Start aga i n . Keep looking. Next
time you are sure to get the soul mate you are looking for
on Facebook.

1 40