21 Jump Street 2012

1
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Hey, Melodie.
2
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- Hey.
- Look, I know
3
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we've known each other
for a really long time.
4
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And we live across the street
from each other and stuff.
5
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And...
6
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I know, like, in four days,
7
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I'm sure, if...
8
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- You know, prom's, like, in four days...
- Oh, my God.
9
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You're not asking me to prom, are you?
10
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Fuck, no.
11
00:02:01,788 --> 00:02:03,665
No, I... No, I just...
12
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- You're probably going with someone.
- I'm sorry.
13
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I don't know how to put this nicely.
14
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There's not a nice way to put it.
15
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You're a fucking nerd.
16
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And, you know... I don't know. She's hot.
17
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Look at her. Look at her.
18
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- Look at her. Look at her. Look at her.
- I'll see you later.
19
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- Bye.
- All right, buddy, good talk.
20
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Dude, classic.
21
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Greg Jenko to the principal's office.
Greg Jenko to the principal's office.
22
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- Shit.
- Good luck, bro.
23
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I said loud and clear,
24
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if you didn't get your grades up,
you weren't going to the prom.
25
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You, my friend, are about to pay the piper.
26
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I should pay who?
27
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You're not going to the prom.
28
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Boy, you lucky you even graduating.
29
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But I'm going to be prom king.
30
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I'm glad you had a great time in school.
31
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'Cause you ain't learned nothing.
32
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Fuck! Fuck!
33
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Welcome to the Police Academy.
34
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Make sure your form is completely filled out,
then move along.
35
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Not-so-slim Shady, what's up? Holy shit!
36
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Jenko, Schmidt, you're up.
37
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Oh, fuck!
38
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- You're good at this, huh?
- Yeah, lam.
39
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Thank you.
40
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Such bullshit.
41
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You're really good at this.
42
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Yeah, I am.
43
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Hey, you want to be friends?
44
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Come on. Come on, let's go.
45
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Come on, pick your knees up.
Pick your knees up.
46
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I'm telling you right now, it's not a felony.
47
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Chill, all right?
Look, if it has intent, it's a felony.
48
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What did I tell you?
Come on, let's go, let's go, let's go!
49
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Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.
50
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Faster. Let's go.
51
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Clear!
52
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Clear!
53
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Come on, come on, come on! Stop.
54
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Yes! Yes!
55
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Let me see. Let me see.
56
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Nice.
57
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Ten-hut! Ladies and gentlemen,
58
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I present to you the graduates of Class 137.
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Get ready for a lifetime
of being badass motherfuckers.
60
00:05:04,721 --> 00:05:06,064
I am.
61
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I really thought this job would have
more car chases and explosions,
62
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and less homeless people
doo-dooing everywhere.
63
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Do you guys really think
this is a police matter?
64
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To get your Frisbee back?
65
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Get your own fucking Frisbee.
66
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Shit.
67
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Shit! Shit!
68
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Yours isn't loaded, right?
69
00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:37,213
We're supposed to unload them first, right?
70
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What, you... No.
71
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That's no fun. Come on.
72
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Sign says, "Do not feed the ducks."
73
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It's right there.
74
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- Don't you... Don't...
- Don't. Stop it.
75
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Don't. You did it. You fed the ducks.
76
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You feel like a big shot?
77
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No fucking way.
78
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One Percenters?
79
00:05:55,522 --> 00:05:56,944
These guys are, like, big-time drug dealers.
80
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If we could take them down as our first bust,
we'd be off park duty for sure.
81
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You see what I see?
82
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Cannabis sativa.
83
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Chaka Khan.
84
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Chaka Khan?
85
00:06:26,261 --> 00:06:29,435
Gentlemen. We having a little party?
86
00:06:29,514 --> 00:06:31,892
Have we forgotten
that the use of marijuana is illegal?
87
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I have glaucoma.
88
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I get nervous in crowds.
89
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Herpes.
90
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Then you won't mind
if I search your bike, now, would you?
91
00:06:41,818 --> 00:06:43,912
Go ahead. You won't find shit.
92
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- Get up.
- Célmate, gringo.
93
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Man, you guys even real cops?
You look like the kids on Halloween.
94
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If those boys is cops, I'm DEA.
95
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I know, right? I know.
96
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It's hilarious.
97
00:07:00,462 --> 00:07:01,930
So why don't you show us a little respect?
98
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- Fuck you, pig-
- Hey.
99
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You want me to beat your dick off?
100
00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:07,306
You want to beat my dick off?
101
00:07:07,385 --> 00:07:09,228
I'll beat your dick off with both hands.
What's up'? Let's go.
102
00:07:09,304 --> 00:07:11,272
- That's weird, man.
- I think what he was trying to say was,
103
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he's going to punch you so many times
around the genital area
104
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that your dick's just going to fall off.
105
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Why do you have salt in your...
106
00:07:17,646 --> 00:07:19,569
- That's actual drugs.
- Oh, my God.
107
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Get on the ground! Hey!
108
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- Come here now!
- What do I do?
109
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- Chase someone!
- Chase someone?
110
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Are you leaving your bike here?
111
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Okay. All right.
112
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Don't run from me!
You're making it worse for yourself!
113
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No! Get out of the way!
114
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Stop!
115
00:07:36,498 --> 00:07:40,048
I'm going to shoot you
if you don't slow down, man! Come on!
116
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Hey! Come here!
117
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I'm not playing any more! I'm so not kidding!
118
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I got him. I got him.
119
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Freeze! Freeze!
120
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Hands up or I shoot you! Freeze!
121
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That's it! Come here!
122
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Freeze! Stop it!
123
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You're a pussy!
124
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You got the right to... Give me that!
You got the right to...
125
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...to suck my dick, motherfucker!
126
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My elbow.
127
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- You got nothing.
- How's my dick feel in your ass, huh?
128
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- Hey! Hey!
- How's it feel? How's it feel now?
129
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That's right. Schmidt! Schmidt, we got one!
130
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We got one! I got him!
131
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Yes! Yes!
132
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- Yeah !
- We got an arrest!
133
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- Yeah! We got him!
- Yes!
134
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- Yeah! Fuck you! Yeah!
- Fuck you! Yeah!
135
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What's up?
136
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Drop my nuts
on your motherfucking forehead!
137
00:08:48,570 --> 00:08:50,823
- That's right.
- Fuck you, park!
138
00:08:50,905 --> 00:08:52,703
- We arrest people now!
- What up, park?
139
00:08:52,782 --> 00:08:55,410
- What's up? What's up'?
- What up, park? Who wants one?
140
00:09:01,916 --> 00:09:04,510
Congratulations on the bust, boys.
It sounds great.
141
00:09:04,586 --> 00:09:06,304
- Thank you, Cinnamon.
- Are those new?
142
00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:08,890
The department was forced
to drop the charges
143
00:09:08,965 --> 00:09:11,684
because you forgot to read him
his Miranda rights.
144
00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:16,061
What possible reason is there
for not doing the only thing
145
00:09:16,139 --> 00:09:18,312
you have to do when arresting someone?
146
00:09:18,808 --> 00:09:22,312
I did read him his right...
I did a version of that.
147
00:09:22,479 --> 00:09:25,528
- Do you even know the Miranda rights?
- Yes.
148
00:09:26,107 --> 00:09:27,484
Let's hear them, then.
149
00:09:27,942 --> 00:09:29,615
You got a lot of stuff to do.
150
00:09:29,694 --> 00:09:31,662
No, go ahead.
You going anywhere, Schmidt?
151
00:09:31,738 --> 00:09:32,830
We got time.
152
00:09:32,947 --> 00:09:35,416
I had a thing, but I can probably push it back.
153
00:09:35,492 --> 00:09:38,746
Go ahead. It's four declamatory sentences,
followed by a question,
154
00:09:38,828 --> 00:09:40,421
for a total of 57 words.
155
00:09:40,497 --> 00:09:44,752
Okay. Look, it obviously starts with,
"You have the right to remain silent."
156
00:09:44,834 --> 00:09:47,838
I know you've heard this before. And then,
157
00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:51,425
I think it sounds something like...
158
00:09:51,508 --> 00:09:54,808
-"You have the right to an attorney."
- Well, the thing... Yeah, right.
159
00:09:54,886 --> 00:09:57,480
"You have the right to remain an attorney."
160
00:09:57,555 --> 00:10:00,604
Did you say
that you have the right to be an attorney?
161
00:10:00,683 --> 00:10:04,313
You do have the right to be an attorney,
if you want to.
162
00:10:04,395 --> 00:10:05,521
Where were you?
163
00:10:06,147 --> 00:10:09,117
I was chasing my perp, sir.
164
00:10:09,192 --> 00:10:11,035
And how did that go for you?
165
00:10:12,487 --> 00:10:13,704
Honestly, he did get away,
166
00:10:13,863 --> 00:10:15,615
and he threw me down pretty hard.
167
00:10:15,698 --> 00:10:17,871
Actually fucked up my elbow pretty bad.
168
00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:19,077
Can I see that?
169
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:22,630
Yeah, actually, it hurts
'cause the dirt gets mushed into it.
170
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:25,166
Wow.
171
00:10:25,583 --> 00:10:26,835
Fortunately for you two,
172
00:10:26,918 --> 00:10:30,673
we're reviving a canceled
undercover police program from the '80s
173
00:10:30,755 --> 00:10:32,428
and revamping it for modern times.
174
00:10:32,507 --> 00:10:33,804
You see, the guys in charge of this stuff
175
00:10:33,883 --> 00:10:37,103
lack creativity
and are completely out of ideas,
176
00:10:37,220 --> 00:10:40,975
so all they do now
is recycle shit from the past
177
00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:42,900
and expect us all not to notice.
178
00:10:43,017 --> 00:10:47,193
One of these programs
involves the use of young,
179
00:10:47,272 --> 00:10:48,990
immature-seeming officers.
180
00:10:49,065 --> 00:10:52,660
Sir, are you saying
that you're going to send us into, like,
181
00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:55,614
a child sex slavery ring or something?
182
00:10:55,697 --> 00:10:59,292
Sir, if I have to suck somebody's dick, I will.
183
00:11:00,451 --> 00:11:03,125
It's just... I'd prefer not to.
184
00:11:03,454 --> 00:11:05,297
I think you idiots are perfect.
185
00:11:05,415 --> 00:11:06,837
You're officially transferred.
186
00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:08,463
- All right. Yeah.
- That's great.
187
00:11:08,543 --> 00:11:10,261
Where should we report to?
188
00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:11,963
Down on Jump Street.
189
00:11:12,046 --> 00:11:13,923
37 Jump Street.
190
00:11:14,924 --> 00:11:17,143
No, that doesn't sound right.
191
00:11:17,260 --> 00:11:18,432
Is it...
192
00:11:21,264 --> 00:11:23,232
This has got to be a joke.
193
00:11:23,641 --> 00:11:25,143
This is it.
194
00:11:32,358 --> 00:11:34,486
Aroma of Christ Church?
195
00:11:51,961 --> 00:11:53,508
How's it going?
196
00:11:56,966 --> 00:11:58,718
This place is weird.
197
00:12:09,312 --> 00:12:10,564
Everybody comfortable?
198
00:12:11,189 --> 00:12:12,315
Yeah.
199
00:12:14,859 --> 00:12:18,204
Get your motherfucking ass up
when I'm talking!
200
00:12:18,988 --> 00:12:22,492
You will be going undercover
as high school students.
201
00:12:22,951 --> 00:12:26,581
You are here simply because you look young.
202
00:12:26,955 --> 00:12:28,673
You some Justin Beaver,
203
00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:31,592
Miley Cyrus-looking motherfuckers.
204
00:12:31,709 --> 00:12:33,131
Captain Sassy.
205
00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:34,887
I know what you're thinking,
206
00:12:35,213 --> 00:12:37,591
"Angry Black Captain."
207
00:12:37,674 --> 00:12:40,268
It ain't nothing but a stupid stereotype.
208
00:12:40,343 --> 00:12:42,721
Well, guess what, motherfuckers.
209
00:12:42,804 --> 00:12:44,056
I'm black.
210
00:12:44,389 --> 00:12:47,233
And I worked my ass off to be the captain!
211
00:12:49,727 --> 00:12:51,900
And sometimes I get angry.
212
00:12:51,980 --> 00:12:53,527
So suck a dick!
213
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:55,780
What I'm trying to show you is,
214
00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:57,948
embrace your stereotypes.
215
00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:02,036
Like this guy right here. Handsome.
216
00:13:02,198 --> 00:13:03,700
And he's probably a dummy.
217
00:13:04,909 --> 00:13:05,956
And then this guy.
218
00:13:06,411 --> 00:13:09,085
He's short and insecure.
219
00:13:09,163 --> 00:13:10,710
And he's probably good with money.
220
00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:13,134
- You are good with money.
- What the fuck?
221
00:13:13,209 --> 00:13:15,632
Didn't somebody tell you guys
this was an undercover unit?
222
00:13:15,962 --> 00:13:17,259
I don't... I actually didn't...
223
00:13:17,338 --> 00:13:18,555
I didn't get a letter or anything.
224
00:13:18,756 --> 00:13:21,350
- Yeah, like, a start time...
- With a dress code or anything like that.
225
00:13:21,426 --> 00:13:23,224
Teenage the fuck up!
226
00:13:25,346 --> 00:13:28,600
Rule number one at Jump Street. Fugazy.
227
00:13:28,850 --> 00:13:30,352
Do not get expelled.
228
00:13:30,435 --> 00:13:33,484
Nobody in the system knows you're here.
All right? Nobody.
229
00:13:33,563 --> 00:13:35,156
You get kicked out of school,
230
00:13:35,231 --> 00:13:38,906
your monkey ass is getting kicked out
of Jump Street.
231
00:13:38,985 --> 00:13:40,737
Rule number two. Burns.
232
00:13:41,571 --> 00:13:45,417
Do not have sexual relations
with students or teachers, sir.
233
00:13:45,742 --> 00:13:48,120
You hear that? That's you.
234
00:13:48,369 --> 00:13:49,916
- Don't do it, man.
- Why...
235
00:13:49,996 --> 00:13:52,624
- Keep that dirty dick in your pants.
- Dirty?
236
00:13:52,707 --> 00:13:54,425
Don't fuck no students.
237
00:13:54,792 --> 00:13:56,089
Don't fuck no teachers.
238
00:13:56,419 --> 00:13:59,639
Sir, I know we come off
as a couple of lady-killers,
239
00:13:59,714 --> 00:14:02,888
but I promise you
we will be super professional on the job.
240
00:14:02,967 --> 00:14:05,436
Clearly, I wasn't talking to you, Big Titties.
241
00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:07,768
You cherub-looking motherfucker.
242
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:10,191
I was talking to your partner over here.
243
00:14:10,266 --> 00:14:12,234
Fake-ass Handsome McGee.
244
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:14,278
When I'm talking to him, I'm talking to him.
245
00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:15,526
When I say, "Shut the fuck up,"
246
00:14:15,605 --> 00:14:17,073
- I'm talking to you.
- Cool.
247
00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:20,694
Now, you two sons of bitches,
in my office now.
248
00:14:20,777 --> 00:14:21,949
Right now!
249
00:14:22,653 --> 00:14:24,621
Hi. I am Billiam Willingham.
250
00:14:24,739 --> 00:14:26,286
So I bought these,
251
00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:29,619
which is all anybody seems
to be talking about right now.
252
00:14:30,244 --> 00:14:31,291
Cheers.
253
00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:33,668
It's a new synthetic drug.
254
00:14:33,748 --> 00:14:36,922
Goes by the street name H.F.S.
255
00:14:37,001 --> 00:14:38,969
Holy fucking shit.
256
00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:40,631
Holy...
257
00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:42,807
They put this on the Internet
for everybody to see?
258
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:45,556
They're teenagers, man.
They're really stupid.
259
00:14:45,635 --> 00:14:47,478
So you should blend right in.
260
00:15:03,820 --> 00:15:06,824
Jessica, will you go to prom with me?
But I already know the answer. It's yes.
261
00:15:21,003 --> 00:15:22,721
I could watch this kid all day.
262
00:15:23,005 --> 00:15:24,382
Man, this kid rules.
263
00:15:24,549 --> 00:15:25,846
Ruled.
264
00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:29,179
His parents found him OD'd
in his room a few days ago.
265
00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:30,559
He's dead.
266
00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:35,189
Whatever he took,
the lab has never seen it before.
267
00:15:35,393 --> 00:15:38,363
And as you can see, this kid is white.
268
00:15:38,479 --> 00:15:41,198
That means people actually give a shit.
269
00:15:41,858 --> 00:15:45,237
Sir, I just want to throw out to you
that I would give a shit if he was black.
270
00:15:48,114 --> 00:15:52,085
Right now, H.F.S.
Is contained right there at Sagan High.
271
00:15:52,201 --> 00:15:56,456
Now, once this drug breaks containment,
it goes viral in a few days.
272
00:15:56,622 --> 00:16:00,252
Jenko, I looked at your old transcript.
273
00:16:00,710 --> 00:16:03,304
I enrolled you in a bunch of bullshit courses
274
00:16:03,379 --> 00:16:05,427
like photography and drama.
275
00:16:05,506 --> 00:16:07,929
Get in with the burnouts and the cool kids.
276
00:16:08,009 --> 00:16:09,761
Find out who's slinging this shit.
277
00:16:09,844 --> 00:16:12,097
Schmidt, says you were a virgin
278
00:16:12,180 --> 00:16:13,727
-through high school.
- It says that?
279
00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:15,566
No. I just assumed it,
280
00:16:15,641 --> 00:16:20,943
due to your many years on the honor roll
and your membership to the juggling squad.
281
00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:24,363
It's the Juggling Society,
but it's fine. it's fine.
282
00:16:24,442 --> 00:16:26,820
They're stealing equipment
from the chemistry lab.
283
00:16:26,903 --> 00:16:29,031
That's what we think
they're cooking the dope with.
284
00:16:29,155 --> 00:16:31,658
I enrolled you into honors chemistry.
285
00:16:31,741 --> 00:16:34,711
Here's your new identities, all right?
286
00:16:34,785 --> 00:16:36,628
Brad and Doug McQuaid.
287
00:16:37,121 --> 00:16:38,498
The mission is this.
288
00:16:38,581 --> 00:16:41,004
Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.
289
00:16:41,083 --> 00:16:42,926
We get to be brothers?
290
00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:46,097
291
00:16:46,172 --> 00:16:48,800
But if we find the supplier first,
we don't have to worry about the dealers.
292
00:16:48,883 --> 00:16:51,636
God damn.
293
00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:09,700
Hey, Korean Jesus.
294
00:17:10,488 --> 00:17:14,459
I don't know if you only cater
to Korean Christians
295
00:17:14,575 --> 00:17:18,705
or if you even exist. No offense.
296
00:17:21,791 --> 00:17:23,213
I just...
297
00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:28,014
I'm really freaked out
about going back to high school.
298
00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:34,479
It was just so fucking hard the first time.
299
00:17:36,097 --> 00:17:40,477
I know we haven't made our first arrest,
or maybe I'm not the best cop.
300
00:17:41,519 --> 00:17:44,147
Korean Jesus,
I just really don't want to fuck this up.
301
00:17:44,522 --> 00:17:46,820
I'm sorry for swearing so much.
302
00:17:48,276 --> 00:17:49,493
The end?
303
00:17:50,319 --> 00:17:52,947
I don't really know how to end a prayer.
The end?
304
00:17:53,030 --> 00:17:54,202
Yeah.
305
00:17:59,745 --> 00:18:00,871
Hey! Hey!
306
00:18:01,289 --> 00:18:03,337
Stop fucking with Korean Jesus!
307
00:18:03,457 --> 00:18:05,835
He ain't got time for your problems. He busy!
308
00:18:06,043 --> 00:18:07,465
With Korean shit.
309
00:18:07,545 --> 00:18:10,048
- You two get to your mama house ASAP.
- What?
310
00:18:10,464 --> 00:18:12,808
You're teenagers now, all right?
311
00:18:12,883 --> 00:18:15,102
You two are staying
at Schmidt's parents' house
312
00:18:15,177 --> 00:18:16,895
for the duration of this assignment.
313
00:18:16,971 --> 00:18:18,348
Fuck me.
314
00:18:18,931 --> 00:18:21,059
This house is adorable.
315
00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:23,774
My baby's home! Come here.
316
00:18:23,853 --> 00:18:25,480
You will always be
my infant angel baby child.
317
00:18:25,563 --> 00:18:27,281
There's my QW-
318
00:18:27,356 --> 00:18:28,949
It's great to see you guys.
319
00:18:29,025 --> 00:18:32,404
- Hey.
- Schmidt family! Up top, Papa Schmidt.
320
00:18:32,486 --> 00:18:34,614
Oh, my God.
Mama Schmidt, did you do all this yourself?
321
00:18:34,697 --> 00:18:36,825
- This is unbelievable.
- Well, yeah.
322
00:18:36,907 --> 00:18:39,126
- I guess I did.
- It's gorgeous!
323
00:18:39,201 --> 00:18:40,703
So are you.
324
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:44,253
Honey, listen, I want to tell you,
we did blow up the air mattress in your room
325
00:18:44,332 --> 00:18:45,549
'cause we're kind of using that
as a workout area,
326
00:18:45,666 --> 00:18:47,293
so I hope you don't mind the elliptical.
327
00:18:47,543 --> 00:18:50,092
No, no! Jenko, Jenko, oh, my God, please.
No, no.
328
00:18:50,171 --> 00:18:52,048
Don't touch that.
We just brought it back from Sedona.
329
00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:54,634
Guys, can we get rid of this stuff?
330
00:18:54,717 --> 00:18:56,185
I mean, it looks like I died in a car crash
331
00:18:56,260 --> 00:18:58,479
-and you guys haven't moved on.
- Rid of it?
332
00:18:58,554 --> 00:19:01,103
If we take it down,
we have to stop bragging about you.
333
00:19:01,182 --> 00:19:03,435
I look like Fred Savage
from The Wonder Years,
334
00:19:03,601 --> 00:19:06,400
but completely naked,
wearing Indian friendship bracelets.
335
00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:08,481
That is a great picture, Morton.
336
00:19:08,564 --> 00:19:09,907
You look like a young Jay Leno.
337
00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:12,610
Am I even wearing underwear in this picture?
338
00:19:13,903 --> 00:19:14,995
No.
339
00:19:15,071 --> 00:19:16,789
I remember. You know why?
340
00:19:16,864 --> 00:19:19,663
Because I've told it to a therapist
about 8,000 times.
341
00:19:19,742 --> 00:19:24,088
I mean, this is a fourth grade
participation medal for soccer.
342
00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:25,710
It's literally a medal for sucking.
343
00:19:25,790 --> 00:19:27,713
- No, that is a medal for trying.
- Yes.
344
00:19:27,792 --> 00:19:31,672
Let me tell you something.
This guy was always a great tryer.
345
00:19:32,755 --> 00:19:34,883
That must be Phyllis.
She is just dying to see you.
346
00:19:34,965 --> 00:19:38,014
What? Mom, you told Phyllis I was here?
She's going to tell the whole neighborhood.
347
00:19:38,094 --> 00:19:41,098
I told you, it's an undercover assignment.
It's super secretive.
348
00:19:41,263 --> 00:19:43,482
"Undercover." That's so cute.
349
00:19:44,809 --> 00:19:47,232
- I'm going upstairs.
- Okay, honey. I want you to know
350
00:19:47,311 --> 00:19:48,733
-we are so glad you're here.
- Okay.
351
00:19:48,813 --> 00:19:50,781
That's great. Thank you.
352
00:19:50,856 --> 00:19:53,109
- All right. Where is he?
- He's upstairs.
353
00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:55,991
He just needs to take a little rest,
and then he's dying to see you, too.
354
00:19:56,070 --> 00:19:58,368
- Bye-bye.
- I baked muffins!
355
00:19:58,739 --> 00:20:00,833
If you don't know your identity,
we're screwed tomorrow.
356
00:20:00,950 --> 00:20:02,202
You got to study this stuff.
357
00:20:02,284 --> 00:20:05,163
Forget those identities. They're bullshit.
They said I was held back a year.
358
00:20:05,246 --> 00:20:06,964
You were. You were held back two years.
359
00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:10,134
Just 'cause it's a fake backstory
doesn't mean it doesn't hurt my feelings.
360
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:12,462
Fuck! Socks don't match.
361
00:20:12,545 --> 00:20:13,967
I got to start all over.
362
00:20:14,296 --> 00:20:16,139
It's the first day of school, dude.
I got to look awesome.
363
00:20:16,841 --> 00:20:18,969
You know, back in the day,
you were super popular,
364
00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:21,770
and I wasn't as much.
365
00:20:22,972 --> 00:20:25,350
We didn't really get along in high school.
366
00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:28,482
You don't think that's going to happen again,
do you'?
367
00:20:28,811 --> 00:20:32,532
No. Come on, man. We're adults now.
We're best buds.
368
00:20:32,606 --> 00:20:33,983
It's definitely not going to happen again.
369
00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:35,659
- We're good.
- Cool.
370
00:20:42,575 --> 00:20:44,669
Beautiful day out there, boys.
371
00:20:45,453 --> 00:20:46,875
Just shut up.
372
00:20:47,663 --> 00:20:50,712
"Anything you say can and will be used
against you in a court of law.
373
00:20:50,791 --> 00:20:52,008
"You have the right to an attorney.
374
00:20:52,084 --> 00:20:55,133
"If you cannot afford an attorney,
one will be appointed..."
375
00:20:55,212 --> 00:20:58,591
Dude, do you still not know
the Miranda rights? You're a cop.
376
00:20:58,674 --> 00:21:02,679
Come on, man. They always cut away on TV
before they finish them.
377
00:21:05,598 --> 00:21:07,066
All right, let's do it.
378
00:21:07,224 --> 00:21:08,942
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- What?
379
00:21:09,018 --> 00:21:10,019
What are you doing?
380
00:21:10,102 --> 00:21:12,025
- What? What are you talking about?
- Are you two-strapping?
381
00:21:13,481 --> 00:21:15,734
- My backpack? Yeah.
- Yeah, I got to be seen with you.
382
00:21:16,066 --> 00:21:17,613
You got to one-strap it.
383
00:21:17,693 --> 00:21:20,287
Seriously, I would no-strap it
if that would even be possible.
384
00:21:20,362 --> 00:21:21,739
Okay, what makes you the expert?
385
00:21:21,822 --> 00:21:24,166
I was cool in high school, and you weren't.
386
00:21:24,533 --> 00:21:26,206
Okay, that makes sense. Continue.
387
00:21:27,203 --> 00:21:31,800
The Three Keys of Coolness in High School,
by Jenko.
388
00:21:31,874 --> 00:21:35,253
One, don't try hard at anything.
389
00:21:35,336 --> 00:21:38,636
Okay? Two, make fun of people who do try.
390
00:21:38,714 --> 00:21:40,637
Three, be handsome.
391
00:21:40,716 --> 00:21:42,969
Four, if anyone steps to you
on the first day of school,
392
00:21:43,052 --> 00:21:45,100
you punch them directly in the face.
393
00:21:45,179 --> 00:21:47,557
Five, drive a kick-ass car.
394
00:21:48,724 --> 00:21:49,896
Shit.
395
00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:56,357
All right, but just don't be driving it
like teenagers,
396
00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:59,284
revving up the engine and shit, okay?
397
00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:00,907
We would never.
398
00:22:01,445 --> 00:22:03,243
Come on, Hoffs. Give us a little credit.
399
00:22:05,991 --> 00:22:07,743
- Hey' You ready?
- Go! '
400
00:22:15,084 --> 00:22:17,257
That was awesome! That was amazing.
401
00:22:17,461 --> 00:22:19,429
- Was I flying'?
- That was amazing.
402
00:22:19,505 --> 00:22:20,802
All right, do mine, do mine.
403
00:22:20,881 --> 00:22:23,430
- Okay, ready? Here I go.
- Yeah, yeah.
404
00:22:29,598 --> 00:22:31,100
You okay?
405
00:22:32,142 --> 00:22:33,940
I think I shit my pants.
406
00:22:41,527 --> 00:22:42,619
Hey, park in that handicapped spot.
407
00:22:42,695 --> 00:22:45,494
- It'll make us look cool.
- That's awesome.
408
00:23:00,796 --> 00:23:01,968
Dude?
409
00:23:02,047 --> 00:23:04,926
- Everybody's two-strapping it.
- Just stay with the one-strap.
410
00:23:05,259 --> 00:23:06,886
I can't. I can't. I can't right now.
411
00:23:06,969 --> 00:23:09,563
What are you doing? What are you doing?
Don't succumb to the peer pressure.
412
00:23:09,638 --> 00:23:11,231
- What are you doing?
- You're supposed to use two straps.
413
00:23:11,307 --> 00:23:13,901
- One strap is peer pressure.
- No. No. You're fucking up right now.
414
00:23:14,184 --> 00:23:15,936
Okay, those are Goths.
415
00:23:17,521 --> 00:23:18,989
Those are nerds.
416
00:23:20,983 --> 00:23:22,451
I don't know what they are.
417
00:23:24,153 --> 00:23:26,702
What the fuck are those things?
418
00:23:26,780 --> 00:23:28,157
I'm so confused right now.
419
00:23:35,831 --> 00:23:36,832
Whoa.
420
00:23:39,043 --> 00:23:41,137
- Hi.
- Hey.
421
00:23:41,211 --> 00:23:42,963
- Hey.
- Good morning.
422
00:23:44,173 --> 00:23:46,426
Hey, yo. HEY-
423
00:23:47,843 --> 00:23:49,561
- Is that your car?
- Yeah.
424
00:23:49,637 --> 00:23:51,230
What's that thing get, 10 miles to the gallon?
425
00:23:51,305 --> 00:23:53,057
No, try, like, seven.
426
00:23:54,183 --> 00:23:56,060
- What about you?
- Biodiesel, dawg.
427
00:23:56,268 --> 00:23:57,520
Smells like egg rolls.
428
00:23:57,603 --> 00:24:01,403
Yeah, it does.
Runs on leftover fry oil from Hunan Palace.
429
00:24:01,482 --> 00:24:04,702
But we try to ride bikes when we can.
Global crisis and whatnot.
430
00:24:05,194 --> 00:24:07,663
Whatever, man. I don't care about anything.
431
00:24:07,738 --> 00:24:10,457
You don't care about the environment?
That's kind of fucked up, man.
432
00:24:10,532 --> 00:24:12,125
Hey, hey, will y'all shut the hell up?
433
00:24:12,201 --> 00:24:13,919
I'm trying to study. Thanks.
434
00:24:14,536 --> 00:24:17,585
Look at him. He's trying.
435
00:24:17,790 --> 00:24:19,508
He's actually trying. What a nerd.
436
00:24:19,583 --> 00:24:21,460
Look at the nerd. Look at the nerd.
437
00:24:21,543 --> 00:24:23,796
- Look at him. Look at the nerd.
- Who you calling a nerd, man?
438
00:24:23,879 --> 00:24:25,222
I'm sorry. What...
439
00:24:26,340 --> 00:24:27,967
- Shit!
- Shit, dude.
440
00:24:28,050 --> 00:24:30,144
Are you okay, man'? Hey, what the hell?
Are you serious?
441
00:24:30,219 --> 00:24:31,892
Well, turn that gay-ass music off.
442
00:24:31,971 --> 00:24:33,848
- You punched me because I'm gay?
- What?
443
00:24:34,056 --> 00:24:36,650
No. Come on.
444
00:24:36,725 --> 00:24:37,897
That's not cool, man.
445
00:24:37,977 --> 00:24:39,194
That is really insensitive.
446
00:24:39,269 --> 00:24:40,612
I didn't punch him because he's gay.
447
00:24:40,688 --> 00:24:44,818
I punched him, and then he happened
to turn out to be gay afterwards.
448
00:24:44,900 --> 00:24:46,948
- I was gay when you punched me!
- In a weird way,
449
00:24:47,027 --> 00:24:49,371
it might have been
homophobic not to punch you
450
00:24:49,446 --> 00:24:51,289
-just because you were gay.
- Right.
451
00:24:51,365 --> 00:24:53,367
You punched a little gay
black kid in the face,
452
00:24:53,450 --> 00:24:55,794
and it's not even second period.
How do you explain that?
453
00:24:56,078 --> 00:24:58,581
Mr. Dadier, I'm so sorry about that. I just...
454
00:24:58,664 --> 00:25:00,211
Look, guys, I'm going to relate to you, okay?
455
00:25:00,416 --> 00:25:03,044
A kid died the other day from drugs,
456
00:25:03,127 --> 00:25:06,472
and nobody, including me,
is doing anything about it.
457
00:25:07,256 --> 00:25:08,974
That's weird, guys.
458
00:25:09,550 --> 00:25:12,053
And then you two show up, with 30 days left,
459
00:25:12,136 --> 00:25:14,355
causing trouble in my school.
460
00:25:14,430 --> 00:25:17,274
I am one more black gay kid
getting punched in the face
461
00:25:17,349 --> 00:25:20,774
away from a nervous breakdown.
Do I make myself clear?
462
00:25:20,853 --> 00:25:22,105
You guys cross my line again,
463
00:25:22,271 --> 00:25:26,697
and you walk into this office,
I'm going to expel you. You got me?
464
00:25:26,775 --> 00:25:30,120
All right, let's do this.
Which one of you is Doug?
465
00:25:31,697 --> 00:25:33,620
Let's do that again
and pretend you guys aren't weird.
466
00:25:33,824 --> 00:25:36,122
Which one of you is named Doug?
467
00:25:36,410 --> 00:25:38,287
- No, dude, I'm Brad.
- Okay, good.
468
00:25:38,412 --> 00:25:40,585
So that means your name is Doug, son.
469
00:25:40,664 --> 00:25:42,166
- Yeah, I'm Doug.
- Great.
470
00:25:42,291 --> 00:25:43,588
Here are your class schedules.
471
00:25:43,667 --> 00:25:46,295
Funny, I wouldn't have taken you
for the brainy type.
472
00:25:46,378 --> 00:25:49,097
I wouldn't.
But you as a drama geek, far less surprising.
473
00:25:49,173 --> 00:25:50,550
Thank you.
474
00:25:50,632 --> 00:25:52,259
Now we have the wrong identities,
you dumb-ass.
475
00:25:52,342 --> 00:25:55,471
I'm in drama. I suck at drama.
It's girly and embarrassing.
476
00:25:55,554 --> 00:25:57,977
Oh, my God. Relax, dude. Who cares?
477
00:25:58,098 --> 00:26:01,352
I can fake my way through band practice
and app chemistry for a few weeks.
478
00:26:01,435 --> 00:26:04,735
AP Chemistry. AP Chemistry.
And, no, you can't,
479
00:26:04,813 --> 00:26:06,736
because you don't even know
what it's actually fucking called!
480
00:26:07,149 --> 00:26:10,449
It's going to be fine. You go to my classes,
and I'm going to go to yours.
481
00:26:10,527 --> 00:26:12,621
Okay, now, chemistry's
the one with the shapes and shit, right?
482
00:26:13,030 --> 00:26:14,031
Fuck.
483
00:26:14,531 --> 00:26:18,786
So, we are going to hold auditions
for the Peter Pan part today.
484
00:26:19,703 --> 00:26:23,173
Billiam would've wanted the show to go on.
485
00:26:23,707 --> 00:26:27,302
When I was a young actorjust starting out
in New York state,
486
00:26:27,377 --> 00:26:28,799
Albany, to be exact,
487
00:26:28,879 --> 00:26:31,098
- I booked a local television commercial...
- Hey.
488
00:26:31,173 --> 00:26:33,175
...In which I had to play a young man...
489
00:26:33,258 --> 00:26:36,182
It's really sad about that kid. He was talented.
490
00:26:36,428 --> 00:26:40,274
So are you saying if he wasn't talented,
it would be less sad?
491
00:26:40,682 --> 00:26:43,902
No. No, no, no, that's not what I meant.
492
00:26:45,229 --> 00:26:47,357
I was just busting your balls.
493
00:26:49,358 --> 00:26:51,360
Okay. Good.
494
00:26:52,069 --> 00:26:56,620
I remember, one time,
doing cocaine with Willie Nelson's horse,
495
00:26:58,367 --> 00:27:00,369
and we were having so much fun.
496
00:27:00,452 --> 00:27:03,672
And then I realized that she was dead.
497
00:27:05,666 --> 00:27:06,792
I remember one summer...
498
00:27:06,959 --> 00:27:08,882
Do kids still do this stuff?
499
00:27:09,002 --> 00:27:10,754
Even after what happened to him?
500
00:27:11,672 --> 00:27:14,346
Everyone's saying
that Billiam had a heart murmur.
501
00:27:14,424 --> 00:27:17,519
Pretty much everyone I know does it,
but it's not my thing.
502
00:27:17,886 --> 00:27:19,888
It's not really my thing, either,
503
00:27:19,972 --> 00:27:22,771
but a buddy of mine really wants it.
504
00:27:22,850 --> 00:27:25,774
Who would he call if he wanted it?
505
00:27:25,853 --> 00:27:27,981
Well, you can tell your friend
506
00:27:28,063 --> 00:27:30,407
that if he really wanted it,
507
00:27:30,482 --> 00:27:32,484
it's not so hard to find.
508
00:27:32,568 --> 00:27:34,991
When to take it.
He shouldn't have been taking it at all.
509
00:27:35,070 --> 00:27:36,913
Drugs are bad.
510
00:27:37,406 --> 00:27:41,161
But they can have their place
in the life of a professional actor.
511
00:27:41,243 --> 00:27:43,211
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
512
00:27:43,287 --> 00:27:45,255
Notice the distinction.
I said "professional actor."
513
00:27:49,918 --> 00:27:52,762
New person. Mr. Texty Texty.
514
00:27:52,838 --> 00:27:55,717
Since you have so much to say to Molly,
515
00:27:55,841 --> 00:27:58,264
let's see if you can be Peter to our Wendy.
516
00:27:58,343 --> 00:28:01,222
You look like you might have
a little Peter inside of you.
517
00:28:02,681 --> 00:28:05,810
I can't.
I'm fine just being a tree or something
518
00:28:05,934 --> 00:28:08,028
Doug, you never won't know
519
00:28:08,103 --> 00:28:11,607
what you can't achieve
before you don't achieve it.
520
00:28:11,690 --> 00:28:12,816
My point is,
521
00:28:12,900 --> 00:28:15,699
you have to. Everyone auditions for Peter.
522
00:28:17,029 --> 00:28:18,622
Yeah, sure.
523
00:28:19,072 --> 00:28:20,745
My favorite molecule is water.
524
00:28:20,824 --> 00:28:23,122
I'd marry it, unless it was my daughter
525
00:28:23,410 --> 00:28:27,756
Its solid form floats on its liquid form,
which makes it far outside the norm.
526
00:28:27,831 --> 00:28:32,132
It allowed life to form on ancient Mars,
and we use it to wash our cars.
527
00:28:32,878 --> 00:28:34,050
H2O.
528
00:28:34,296 --> 00:28:36,799
H2O. H2O.
529
00:28:37,549 --> 00:28:39,142
- H20
- It's okay. Thank you.
530
00:28:40,510 --> 00:28:42,979
Thank you, Zack. So good.
531
00:28:43,055 --> 00:28:45,854
All right, anybody else
for Molecule Mondays? Anyone?
532
00:28:46,725 --> 00:28:48,568
Okay. Time for a pop Quiznos.
533
00:28:48,936 --> 00:28:49,937
A what?
534
00:28:50,562 --> 00:28:51,859
I'm sorry.
535
00:28:51,939 --> 00:28:53,441
What is your name? Brad?
536
00:28:53,690 --> 00:28:55,408
- Brad. Yes, ma'am.
- Wow. Look at you,
537
00:28:55,484 --> 00:28:57,111
Brad. Big.
538
00:28:59,029 --> 00:29:00,702
What is a pop Quiznos?
539
00:29:00,864 --> 00:29:07,167
It's a quiz, and the first person who finishes
gets a $10 gift certificate to Quiznos.
540
00:29:07,704 --> 00:29:10,332
- Today's quiz is on...
- You look really old.
541
00:29:10,666 --> 00:29:14,512
- Were you held back or something or...
- No. You look super young.
542
00:29:14,586 --> 00:29:16,463
Were you held forward?
543
00:29:17,839 --> 00:29:19,637
I went to school in France, so
544
00:29:19,716 --> 00:29:23,186
And they do, like, two extra years
of middle school there. It's so lame.
545
00:29:23,345 --> 00:29:26,098
French, the language of love.
546
00:29:26,515 --> 00:29:28,813
That's cool, man. It's nice to meet you also.
547
00:29:29,768 --> 00:29:30,860
Hey.
548
00:29:33,021 --> 00:29:34,364
Good luck.
549
00:29:49,413 --> 00:29:51,336
I've gotta crow
550
00:29:53,333 --> 00:29:54,630
I'm just the cleverest...
551
00:29:55,002 --> 00:29:56,094
Okay.
552
00:29:58,005 --> 00:30:00,599
Maybe try one cooler.
553
00:30:01,591 --> 00:30:02,968
And faster.
554
00:30:03,927 --> 00:30:06,555
And louder. And better.
555
00:30:07,014 --> 00:30:10,393
And less insecure and more just cool.
556
00:30:15,981 --> 00:30:17,983
Okay, yeah, those are great notes.
557
00:30:18,066 --> 00:30:19,238
I'm going to run outside,
558
00:30:19,318 --> 00:30:22,117
and I'm going to utilize those,
and I'm going to come back.
559
00:30:33,415 --> 00:30:34,416
It's such bullshit.
560
00:30:42,549 --> 00:30:43,971
Wow. You're fast.
561
00:30:44,551 --> 00:30:46,804
Not like that. Just, let me check you out.
562
00:30:47,137 --> 00:30:49,185
Let me check out your chest.
563
00:30:49,264 --> 00:30:50,982
Check out your test... Let me...
564
00:30:51,058 --> 00:30:52,605
Let me grade your quiz.
565
00:30:57,147 --> 00:30:58,990
Can I go take a dump?
566
00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:02,368
Yeah, okay. That's cool.
567
00:31:03,487 --> 00:31:06,161
We have this "hurry back" rule,
568
00:31:06,239 --> 00:31:09,288
so if you're not back in six minutes,
I have to send you to the principal.
569
00:31:10,118 --> 00:31:11,791
Rules are rules, so,
570
00:31:12,371 --> 00:31:15,045
I guess this will have to be a quickie.
571
00:31:15,457 --> 00:31:16,879
- Which way is yearbook?
- I don't know.
572
00:31:16,958 --> 00:31:18,005
- Is it this way?
- I don't know!
573
00:31:33,683 --> 00:31:36,061
- Yo.
- Hey.
574
00:31:36,144 --> 00:31:37,145
YOU guys, huh?
575
00:31:38,897 --> 00:31:41,616
That was a total mix-up,
what happened earlier.
576
00:31:41,691 --> 00:31:42,817
- Yeah.
- He feels awful. He feels...
577
00:31:42,901 --> 00:31:44,744
Totally, very nervous.
578
00:31:44,986 --> 00:31:47,114
You're the dealer?
579
00:31:47,197 --> 00:31:48,244
- You're the dealer guy?
- Is that you?
580
00:31:48,907 --> 00:31:49,954
Yep.
581
00:31:50,033 --> 00:31:51,159
So do you make the stuff or...
582
00:31:51,243 --> 00:31:53,996
Do I look like a fucking scientist?
No, I just sell it.
583
00:31:54,329 --> 00:31:56,627
- Yeah, he just sells it. Come on
- Yeah, no, I'm sorry.
584
00:31:56,706 --> 00:31:58,674
- I meant I just...
- How many you guys want?
585
00:31:58,875 --> 00:32:00,422
20 bucks a pop.
586
00:32:01,420 --> 00:32:04,390
One each? One pop each of drugs.
587
00:32:04,965 --> 00:32:06,012
You guys aren't narcs, are you?
588
00:32:06,299 --> 00:32:07,300
Whoa!
589
00:32:08,510 --> 00:32:10,228
- Dude, come on.
- No! Maybe you're a narc.
590
00:32:10,470 --> 00:32:12,188
You know who calls people narcs?
591
00:32:12,264 --> 00:32:13,857
Narcs, narc.
592
00:32:14,516 --> 00:32:17,144
First of all, your argument
kind of just collapsed on itself,
593
00:32:17,227 --> 00:32:18,945
because if you call us narcs,
594
00:32:19,729 --> 00:32:22,778
if narcs call people narcs,
and you call us narcs, then that's kind of...
595
00:32:22,858 --> 00:32:24,701
-'Cause you just said that.
- They call people...
596
00:32:24,776 --> 00:32:27,074
Look, I don't have time for this shit.
You guys want to do this or not?
597
00:32:27,154 --> 00:32:28,246
- Jesus.
- Yes.
598
00:32:28,321 --> 00:32:30,198
- Yes, yes.
- No problem.
599
00:32:31,950 --> 00:32:33,827
All right, take it here so I know you're cool.
600
00:32:33,910 --> 00:32:35,002
I'm sorry. What?
601
00:32:35,996 --> 00:32:38,124
- We were going to take it home.
- I gotta go back to class,
602
00:32:38,206 --> 00:32:40,584
-is the only thing.
- I was thinking that I was going to go home,
603
00:32:40,709 --> 00:32:42,177
maybe turn down the lights,
604
00:32:42,252 --> 00:32:43,629
getting snuggy, get a little weird.
605
00:32:43,712 --> 00:32:45,464
I was going to take it,
and then masturbate later.
606
00:32:45,547 --> 00:32:48,391
Okay, I'm not asking.
Take it now or get the fuck out.
607
00:32:48,467 --> 00:32:50,435
I got to finish the girls' volleyball page
by lunch.
608
00:32:52,512 --> 00:32:53,604
Yeah?
609
00:32:55,765 --> 00:32:57,733
Yeah, no, it's all good.
610
00:32:57,809 --> 00:33:01,484
- I love doing drugs at school.
- I'll just take the drugs right here,
611
00:33:01,813 --> 00:33:03,156
in our mouths.
612
00:33:03,356 --> 00:33:04,903
There you go. That's it.
613
00:33:10,989 --> 00:33:13,538
What is that? Barbecue? Cool Ranch?
614
00:33:13,742 --> 00:33:14,994
Have fun.
615
00:33:16,411 --> 00:33:17,788
- You got to pull the trigger!
- Okay.
616
00:33:17,871 --> 00:33:19,498
You got to pull the trigger!
617
00:33:19,581 --> 00:33:21,379
- We got to throw up, man.
- I can't.
618
00:33:21,458 --> 00:33:23,506
We gotta throw up. That kid, Billiam, died.
We got to throw up.
619
00:33:23,585 --> 00:33:25,303
Just think of something gross.
Think of something gross.
620
00:33:25,378 --> 00:33:28,006
- You fucking think of something.
- Okay, all right, all right.
621
00:33:28,089 --> 00:33:30,558
Your grandma's vagina,
and there's a dick going into it.
622
00:33:30,634 --> 00:33:32,511
- What the fuck are you saying?
- I don't know! I'm just trying!
623
00:33:32,594 --> 00:33:34,312
- I'm trying my best! I'm just trying!
- Fuck! Come on, man!
624
00:33:34,387 --> 00:33:36,264
Dude, let's just finger each other's mouths.
625
00:33:36,765 --> 00:33:37,937
- No!
- Yeah.
626
00:33:38,016 --> 00:33:39,142
No, you're not fingering my mouth.
627
00:33:39,226 --> 00:33:41,945
- Do you wanna die? Do you wanna die?
- Okay, fine!
628
00:33:42,020 --> 00:33:44,739
Let's go. Come on. Come on! Come on!
629
00:33:52,155 --> 00:33:54,078
What are you doing?
Are you trying to find my G-spot?
630
00:33:54,157 --> 00:33:56,159
- Just stick it in!
- I don't know. I've never done this before!
631
00:33:56,243 --> 00:33:57,369
Just stick it in! Go!
632
00:34:02,999 --> 00:34:04,421
Cut your fucking fingernails!
633
00:34:06,419 --> 00:34:07,636
Oh, God!
634
00:34:09,256 --> 00:34:10,758
Is it me?
635
00:34:10,840 --> 00:34:12,183
I'm sorry.
636
00:34:12,259 --> 00:34:13,351
I just can't sometimes.
637
00:34:14,386 --> 00:34:16,184
Think we're going to be fine.
I don't feel anything.
638
00:34:16,263 --> 00:34:17,685
Me, neither.
639
00:34:17,806 --> 00:34:19,353
Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
640
00:34:20,016 --> 00:34:22,769
You got a pass for running around
the hallways like a couple of ding-a-lings?
641
00:34:22,894 --> 00:34:24,567
Pass, in your hand.
642
00:34:24,646 --> 00:34:25,818
Hello.
643
00:34:26,356 --> 00:34:28,575
Damn. You guys are late.
644
00:34:28,650 --> 00:34:30,402
Now I'm going to have to take you
to the principal's office.
645
00:34:30,485 --> 00:34:34,615
- No, no, no, man. Come on, please. Sorry.
- Come on, please.
646
00:34:34,698 --> 00:34:36,700
You have exceptional muscle tone there,
young man.
647
00:34:36,992 --> 00:34:39,290
When'd you go through puberty?
Like, at seven or something?
648
00:34:39,619 --> 00:34:41,587
You look like you're in your mid-20s,
for crying out loud.
649
00:34:42,038 --> 00:34:44,507
McQuaid, huh? Doug McQuaid.
650
00:34:44,583 --> 00:34:45,630
I read your file.
651
00:34:45,875 --> 00:34:48,845
You got a lot of something special
going on there, young man.
652
00:34:48,920 --> 00:34:51,093
What the hell was that? God damn it, son!
653
00:34:51,172 --> 00:34:53,015
Don't ever raise your hand to me like that
again, all right?
654
00:34:53,091 --> 00:34:54,263
I consider that a threat.
655
00:34:54,342 --> 00:34:56,094
I was just saying that I'm Doug.
656
00:34:56,177 --> 00:34:59,021
I'm Doug McQuaid. See, that's Brad.
657
00:34:59,848 --> 00:35:00,849
That's Brad.
658
00:35:00,932 --> 00:35:03,435
You're the new kid who's All County in track?
659
00:35:03,518 --> 00:35:05,316
Yes, I'm Doug McQuaid,
660
00:35:06,187 --> 00:35:10,693
the track star, and this is Brad,
the science prodigy.
661
00:35:13,194 --> 00:35:15,322
He's really fast.
662
00:35:18,950 --> 00:35:20,042
Is this funny to you guys?
663
00:35:27,834 --> 00:35:30,257
So you're Doug. You're Doug. You're Doug.
664
00:35:30,337 --> 00:35:31,554
You're Doug. You're Doug.
665
00:35:31,838 --> 00:35:33,215
Here's the deal.
666
00:35:33,340 --> 00:35:36,139
My track team is full
of physically incapable rejects.
667
00:35:36,551 --> 00:35:39,270
I mean, if I wasn't the coach,
I'd be laughing my ass off
668
00:35:39,346 --> 00:35:42,725
at how spastic they are, but I am the coach,
669
00:35:43,058 --> 00:35:44,776
so I need you.
670
00:35:45,393 --> 00:35:47,145
I need me some Doug McQuaid.
671
00:35:47,228 --> 00:35:48,354
Understand?
672
00:35:48,855 --> 00:35:52,576
I need you to run anchor on the 4 X 400
at today's track meet.
673
00:35:52,651 --> 00:35:55,245
You do that, and I'll sign this pass.
674
00:35:55,904 --> 00:35:57,372
Don't blow on me, son.
675
00:35:58,073 --> 00:36:00,201
I haven't trained.
676
00:36:00,450 --> 00:36:03,920
Guys, don't make me take you
to the principal's office.
677
00:36:04,412 --> 00:36:06,085
Do we have a deal?
678
00:36:07,749 --> 00:36:08,875
Yes.
679
00:36:09,876 --> 00:36:11,093
Nice.
680
00:36:13,713 --> 00:36:16,717
I don't like that.
Put your tongue back in your mouth.
681
00:36:16,883 --> 00:36:18,430
Put your tongue in your mouth, and close it
682
00:36:19,094 --> 00:36:21,222
What are you doing? Stop it.
683
00:36:21,596 --> 00:36:23,598
Actually, that's not bad.
684
00:36:23,682 --> 00:36:25,605
All right, here you go.
685
00:36:27,602 --> 00:36:29,479
Are you guys on drugs?
686
00:36:35,235 --> 00:36:36,236
Okay.
687
00:36:36,319 --> 00:36:38,993
One particle of Unobtainium has
a nuclear reaction with a flux capacitor.
688
00:36:39,114 --> 00:36:42,618
Carry the two, changing its atomic isotoner
into a radioactive spider.
689
00:36:44,828 --> 00:36:46,455
Fuck you, science!
690
00:36:52,919 --> 00:36:54,717
All right, all right, we're good.
691
00:36:54,796 --> 00:36:56,719
We're good. We're good, man. We're good.
692
00:36:56,798 --> 00:36:58,471
We're good, baby.
693
00:36:59,134 --> 00:37:00,977
Good work. Hit that shit.
694
00:37:08,560 --> 00:37:11,734
695
00:37:12,063 --> 00:37:14,316
I'm just the cleverest fellow
696
00:37:14,399 --> 00:37:18,029
'Twas ever my fortune to know
697
00:37:18,862 --> 00:37:21,115
I taught a trick to my shadow
698
00:37:21,197 --> 00:37:24,246
To stick to the tip of my toe
699
00:37:24,993 --> 00:37:28,372
700
00:37:29,497 --> 00:37:33,218
I've gotta
701
00:37:33,293 --> 00:37:38,515
Crow!
702
00:37:39,424 --> 00:37:41,176
Christoph, did you feel that?
703
00:37:41,259 --> 00:37:42,681
Who are you?
704
00:37:46,389 --> 00:37:48,562
Welcome aboard, Peter.
705
00:37:59,235 --> 00:38:00,703
No, keep it going!
706
00:38:00,820 --> 00:38:02,914
Keep it going. That was so tight!
707
00:38:03,031 --> 00:38:04,248
No, no, no, keep it going. Keep it going.
708
00:38:08,787 --> 00:38:11,006
All right, let's go, McQuaid!
709
00:38:11,247 --> 00:38:12,794
All right! Yeah!
710
00:38:13,291 --> 00:38:15,214
I like it! I like the confidence, son!
711
00:38:16,377 --> 00:38:18,846
I know y'all seen this shit before.
712
00:38:18,922 --> 00:38:20,344
I know you've seen this shit before.
713
00:38:20,465 --> 00:38:23,093
Huge lead! Huge lead! We got this. All right.
714
00:38:23,218 --> 00:38:25,061
You're looking amped!
715
00:38:27,222 --> 00:38:28,394
Here we go.
716
00:38:28,473 --> 00:38:29,816
Here we go! Here we go!
717
00:38:30,850 --> 00:38:32,067
Hey, pick it up!
718
00:38:32,143 --> 00:38:35,238
Hey, no, McQuaid, pick it up.
What are you doing?
719
00:38:37,273 --> 00:38:38,365
What are you doing? Pick it...
720
00:38:38,733 --> 00:38:40,610
What? McQuaid!
721
00:38:41,486 --> 00:38:44,114
Don't throw the baton, you jackass!
722
00:38:44,739 --> 00:38:45,991
Come on!
723
00:38:46,074 --> 00:38:47,747
McQuaid!
724
00:38:47,826 --> 00:38:49,954
Run that way!
725
00:38:50,078 --> 00:38:53,173
Spike that! Fuck you, Miles Davis!
726
00:38:55,583 --> 00:38:58,132
Let's go, God damn it! Let's do this!
727
00:38:58,253 --> 00:38:59,505
Let's go! Come on!
728
00:38:59,838 --> 00:39:01,181
Oh, my God.
729
00:39:02,173 --> 00:39:03,390
No, no.
730
00:39:03,925 --> 00:39:05,268
No, stop.
731
00:39:05,552 --> 00:39:06,849
Come here. Come here.
732
00:39:06,928 --> 00:39:08,350
Don't make a...
733
00:39:08,429 --> 00:39:09,931
That is a baton penis.
734
00:39:19,440 --> 00:39:21,534
Speak of the devil!
735
00:39:21,609 --> 00:39:24,283
Dude, that was awesome
how you sabotaged that track meet, man.
736
00:39:24,362 --> 00:39:26,615
Organized sports are so fascist.
It makes me sick.
737
00:39:27,073 --> 00:39:28,575
That's just what I do.
738
00:39:28,783 --> 00:39:30,626
Okay. Shit, man. See you around, all right?
739
00:39:33,955 --> 00:39:35,957
I don't get this school.
740
00:39:36,958 --> 00:39:38,460
That was awesome.
741
00:39:40,295 --> 00:39:42,138
Okay, so we stayed up all night making this.
742
00:39:42,213 --> 00:39:43,590
It's awesome. You're really going to like it.
743
00:39:43,673 --> 00:39:45,471
All yarn work was done by Jenko.
744
00:39:45,550 --> 00:39:47,598
Okay, Captain, look,
the dealers are the popular kids,
745
00:39:47,677 --> 00:39:48,894
but they're not normal popular.
746
00:39:48,970 --> 00:39:51,439
They're these crunchy granola dudes
that have convinced everyone
747
00:39:51,514 --> 00:39:52,857
that they're cool, and they're not cool.
748
00:39:53,141 --> 00:39:55,018
It's backwards and unnatural,
and it's got to be stopped.
749
00:39:55,351 --> 00:39:57,820
Lead dealer, Eric Molson. Alpha dog.
750
00:39:57,896 --> 00:39:59,990
Sick chicks, killer steeze.
751
00:40:00,106 --> 00:40:01,278
Did the AIDS run this year.
752
00:40:01,649 --> 00:40:03,902
He's getting into Berkeley, early admish,
753
00:40:03,985 --> 00:40:05,362
and he totally gets me.
754
00:40:05,445 --> 00:40:07,743
Who put this together'? Are you autistic?
755
00:40:07,822 --> 00:40:09,699
It is artistic, sir, because the thing is,
756
00:40:09,782 --> 00:40:12,126
-the yarn actually indicates...
- We're compiling a list
757
00:40:12,201 --> 00:40:14,249
of suspicious types at school.
The users are here.
758
00:40:14,329 --> 00:40:16,627
This kid was actually talking
to a tree this morning.
759
00:40:16,706 --> 00:40:17,798
Cut the bullshit!
760
00:40:17,999 --> 00:40:20,468
I want to know who's the supplier.
761
00:40:20,960 --> 00:40:23,463
We don't know. That's why
there's a question mark on his face.
762
00:40:23,546 --> 00:40:25,719
That's not the way his face looks.
That's just a question mark.
763
00:40:25,798 --> 00:40:28,426
764
00:40:28,551 --> 00:40:29,723
Simple.
765
00:40:29,969 --> 00:40:33,018
Sounds like you guys
really cracked the whole case.
766
00:40:33,139 --> 00:40:34,561
Great job. You guys are on fire
767
00:40:34,974 --> 00:40:36,976
- So proud.
- Like you could do any better?
768
00:40:37,143 --> 00:40:38,941
We just brought down a group
of wannabe thugs
769
00:40:39,020 --> 00:40:41,364
stripping down cars
in the Garfield High metal shop.
770
00:40:41,689 --> 00:40:44,568
- What?
- Meanwhile, you two were standing around
771
00:40:44,651 --> 00:40:46,528
finger-popping each other's assholes.
772
00:40:46,611 --> 00:40:49,205
We're not finger-popping
each other's assholes.
773
00:40:49,280 --> 00:40:51,783
What we're doing is getting shit done.
774
00:40:52,200 --> 00:40:53,292
Yeah, as a matter of fact,
775
00:40:53,368 --> 00:40:54,995
I'm about to infiltrate a super high-tech
776
00:40:55,078 --> 00:40:58,423
drug manufacturing ring
in the chemistry classroom.
777
00:41:05,755 --> 00:41:07,132
- Password!
- Open the door!
778
00:41:07,590 --> 00:41:09,183
- You have to say the password.
- I'm sorry. What?
779
00:41:09,258 --> 00:41:10,635
What are you...
780
00:41:12,220 --> 00:41:13,392
Geez.
781
00:41:17,225 --> 00:41:19,227
What are y'all doing?
How'd you get a key in here?
782
00:41:19,310 --> 00:41:22,564
Ms. Griggs gave us one
so we could work, tutor, deal Bakugan.
783
00:41:23,064 --> 00:41:24,987
Bakugan? You dealing drugs?
784
00:41:25,274 --> 00:41:26,651
- Let me see. You dealing drugs?
- No.
785
00:41:26,734 --> 00:41:28,577
It's just a card game.
It's, like, a hybrid card game.
786
00:41:28,778 --> 00:41:30,496
- See? They open up.
- Battle Brawlers.
787
00:41:30,571 --> 00:41:32,414
- You're not doing anything illegal?
- No.
788
00:41:32,657 --> 00:41:36,036
- What are you doing in here?
- I'm here to study.
789
00:41:36,536 --> 00:41:38,630
Good. You could use it.
You're pretty far behind, so...
790
00:41:38,913 --> 00:41:40,790
You're behind. I'm ahead.
791
00:41:41,040 --> 00:41:43,088
- I know everything.
- Really'?
792
00:41:43,209 --> 00:41:44,927
What's a covalent bond?
793
00:41:45,003 --> 00:41:47,005
Fuck you, man. I don't need to tell you.
794
00:41:47,088 --> 00:41:49,557
I wasn't trying to be rude. Sorry
795
00:41:49,757 --> 00:41:52,351
I just... I don't think you know everything.
796
00:41:52,635 --> 00:41:53,727
I know everything.
797
00:41:54,303 --> 00:41:55,475
Okay.
798
00:42:02,729 --> 00:42:06,279
What kind of bullshit do they say
about a covalent bond in this school?
799
00:42:06,607 --> 00:42:10,703
They say it's when two atoms
share both their electrons.
800
00:42:10,778 --> 00:42:12,371
It helps them to stick together.
801
00:42:13,114 --> 00:42:15,663
I could help you out if you want,
tutor you for the test.
802
00:42:16,367 --> 00:42:18,745
What are you doing
with all those phones anyway?
803
00:42:19,370 --> 00:42:21,873
I crack and jailbreak kids' phones
to try and save for college.
804
00:42:21,956 --> 00:42:24,709
You know, I switch their wireless carriers,
get them restricted apps.
805
00:42:24,792 --> 00:42:26,009
Can you listen in on phone calls and stuff?
806
00:42:26,085 --> 00:42:29,965
No, no, I can't install a spyvvare
to remotely monitor calls
807
00:42:30,048 --> 00:42:31,425
or anything that the mic picks up.
808
00:42:31,716 --> 00:42:33,935
- I can't do that at all.
- Wait, you can't do it?
809
00:42:34,135 --> 00:42:35,557
No, I can't.
810
00:42:36,971 --> 00:42:38,723
- Is he being sarcastic?
- I don't know.
811
00:42:39,974 --> 00:42:41,100
So you can.
812
00:42:45,480 --> 00:42:47,278
Liking comic books is popular.
813
00:42:47,356 --> 00:42:50,109
Environmental awareness, being tolerant.
814
00:42:50,193 --> 00:42:53,367
If I was just born 10 years later,
I would have been the coolest person ever.
815
00:42:53,488 --> 00:42:55,365
I know. It's bullshit.
816
00:42:56,783 --> 00:42:57,909
You know what?
817
00:42:57,992 --> 00:43:00,336
I totally know the cause.
818
00:43:00,411 --> 00:43:02,834
Glee. Fuck you, Glee.
819
00:43:03,998 --> 00:43:05,841
Man, I got to say, this is kind of awesome.
820
00:43:06,000 --> 00:43:10,050
I might become popular.
I might get in with the popular kids.
821
00:43:10,963 --> 00:43:14,388
We just have to do something
wildly irresponsible to earn their trust.
822
00:43:14,509 --> 00:43:15,635
You saying we should throw a party?
823
00:43:15,885 --> 00:43:18,604
I'll invite Molly,
and then Molly will invite Eric,
824
00:43:18,930 --> 00:43:20,728
and that'll be the quickest way for me
to bro down with him.
825
00:43:20,807 --> 00:43:23,185
Wouldn't it be better if we both infiltrated
the cool kids' group?
826
00:43:23,267 --> 00:43:24,644
I think it would be better if you get in
827
00:43:24,727 --> 00:43:26,274
with the nerdy kids
and see what's going on over there.
828
00:43:26,354 --> 00:43:27,856
That'd be the best thing for the case.
829
00:43:28,314 --> 00:43:30,988
Yeah. I mean, I guess that makes sense.
830
00:43:40,451 --> 00:43:42,545
- Hello?
- Hey. Is this Molly?
831
00:43:42,995 --> 00:43:44,121
Speaking.
832
00:43:44,205 --> 00:43:45,673
Hey. It's Schmidt.
833
00:43:46,207 --> 00:43:49,552
It's Doug Schmug McQuaid.
834
00:43:49,752 --> 00:43:51,925
Hey, man.
835
00:43:52,004 --> 00:43:53,972
It's so weird that you're calling me.
836
00:43:54,048 --> 00:43:58,178
I pretty much text
except for when a random old relative calls.
837
00:43:58,553 --> 00:44:02,057
I was just calling 'cause we're costarring
in this play together,
838
00:44:02,140 --> 00:44:03,232
-and. . .
- Hello ?
839
00:44:03,349 --> 00:44:04,521
Mom, get off the phone!
840
00:44:04,892 --> 00:44:06,644
Sorry, Do!-IQ,
841
00:44:06,727 --> 00:44:08,400
-my teen son.
- Mom!
842
00:44:08,563 --> 00:44:10,861
I love you, honey, Dougie,
Doug, Douglas McQuaid.
843
00:44:10,940 --> 00:44:12,783
Mom, so serious right now! Stop!
844
00:44:16,737 --> 00:44:19,456
I'm sorry. My mom's such a dick.
845
00:44:19,574 --> 00:44:23,624
She just, like, smothers me with affection
and makes me feel like I'm five years old.
846
00:44:23,703 --> 00:44:26,957
Wow. You're a sharer. I dig that.
847
00:44:27,248 --> 00:44:30,468
Well, I'm 18 years old, and my mom
still packs a lunch for me every day.
848
00:44:30,585 --> 00:44:33,805
There was this one month
where she bought me 43 stuffed animals.
849
00:44:34,088 --> 00:44:36,682
The doctor thought
I was gonna spontaneously grow a vagina.
850
00:44:37,216 --> 00:44:38,718
I didn't, though, just to be clear.
851
00:44:39,427 --> 00:44:40,599
Yeah, because you already had one.
852
00:44:40,761 --> 00:44:42,183
Exactly. I already had one.
853
00:44:42,263 --> 00:44:44,015
And you don't need two vaginae.
You just don't.
854
00:44:44,098 --> 00:44:46,100
Although you could use one as a coin purse.
855
00:44:47,059 --> 00:44:48,686
I never got any stuffed animals growing up.
856
00:44:48,769 --> 00:44:51,022
Wait, actually, that's not true. I did.
857
00:44:51,105 --> 00:44:52,948
My dad gave me a stuffed puppy
the day he bailed on us.
858
00:44:55,026 --> 00:44:56,403
I'm just fucking with you.
859
00:44:56,944 --> 00:44:58,491
That is a weird joke.
860
00:44:58,613 --> 00:45:00,206
I thought your dad abandoned your family.
861
00:45:00,281 --> 00:45:01,874
No, he did walk out on us, though.
862
00:45:02,491 --> 00:45:04,869
But he didn't even leave me a stuffed puppy.
863
00:45:04,952 --> 00:45:06,044
Just broken dreams.
864
00:45:06,120 --> 00:45:09,465
Oh, man. Well, I guess, to that, I would say
865
00:45:09,624 --> 00:45:10,625
well,
866
00:45:12,001 --> 00:45:14,129
that there are some good guys out there,
867
00:45:14,212 --> 00:45:17,807
and I wouldn't let, you know, one experience
868
00:45:17,882 --> 00:45:20,226
taint your memory.
869
00:45:20,468 --> 00:45:21,811
Oh, my God.
870
00:45:21,886 --> 00:45:24,730
Are you getting choked up?
I'm sorry if I made you upset.
871
00:45:25,056 --> 00:45:28,651
No, it's just, you know,
I don't like when guys are mean to girls.
872
00:45:28,726 --> 00:45:31,070
Yeah. Well, thanks.
873
00:45:31,646 --> 00:45:33,569
Normal transition here.
874
00:45:34,774 --> 00:45:37,903
Actually, I'm having a party next weekend.
You should come!
875
00:45:37,985 --> 00:45:39,828
You and Eric and Juario, whatever.
876
00:45:40,112 --> 00:45:43,082
Do you mind if I just put, like,
a posting on Facebook?
877
00:45:43,157 --> 00:45:45,159
Okay. Yeah, yeah!
878
00:45:45,826 --> 00:45:46,873
I should call you back.
879
00:45:46,953 --> 00:45:49,206
Well, all right, I'll see you at school.
You're a great person.
880
00:45:49,288 --> 00:45:50,255
-5ye-bye. B ye_
- Bye.
881
00:45:50,331 --> 00:45:51,878
What the fuck are you...
882
00:46:02,718 --> 00:46:04,061
Are y'all throwing a party?
883
00:46:05,054 --> 00:46:08,979
- What?
- There's rumors in the Twittersphere.
884
00:46:09,850 --> 00:46:11,602
And if any of my officers
885
00:46:11,686 --> 00:46:14,781
are caught giving alcohol to minors,
886
00:46:15,189 --> 00:46:17,157
they'll find theyself in prison
887
00:46:18,150 --> 00:46:21,575
with a snorkel duct-taped to they mouth
888
00:46:21,696 --> 00:46:24,870
and me shitting down that snorkel.
889
00:46:26,826 --> 00:46:28,703
That's extremely vivid. Thank you.
890
00:46:29,203 --> 00:46:31,752
You're the best. You are the best.
891
00:46:32,081 --> 00:46:33,458
- Oh, my God.
- We love you.
892
00:46:33,541 --> 00:46:34,633
- Enjoy the vineyard.
- You boys be good, now.
893
00:46:34,709 --> 00:46:37,007
Yeah, I can't believe you guys did this for us.
894
00:46:37,295 --> 00:46:38,467
Bye!
895
00:46:38,546 --> 00:46:41,049
"We love you"? What are you doing'?
Why you saying "I love you" to my mom?
896
00:46:41,132 --> 00:46:42,475
- I'm in character. Shut up.
- It's weird.
897
00:46:44,051 --> 00:46:46,725
Look, dude, it's kind of like we're brothers.
898
00:46:47,221 --> 00:46:48,973
Wait, how are we going to buy alcohol?
899
00:46:49,598 --> 00:46:51,316
Dude, I don't have a fake ID.
900
00:46:58,899 --> 00:47:00,993
How are we going to get drugs for the party?
901
00:47:01,861 --> 00:47:03,158
Oh, no.
902
00:47:09,910 --> 00:47:10,957
We got a pound of coke.
903
00:47:11,037 --> 00:47:13,415
We're trying to show them a good time,
not ruin their fucking lives.
904
00:47:13,497 --> 00:47:14,589
Pound of marijuana?
905
00:47:15,082 --> 00:47:16,675
- Best party ever.
- Boo-yah!
906
00:47:31,015 --> 00:47:34,485
To a brilliant idea
907
00:47:34,560 --> 00:47:36,437
from my brilliant brother
908
00:47:36,562 --> 00:47:38,564
that I love so very much.
909
00:47:38,647 --> 00:47:41,275
And this is going to fucking rock.
910
00:47:41,400 --> 00:47:43,198
- Cheers, man.
- Cheers.
911
00:47:49,825 --> 00:47:51,702
- Who invited you guys?
- I did!
912
00:47:51,786 --> 00:47:52,787
The party's here!
913
00:47:53,454 --> 00:47:55,047
- What's up, Zack?
- Hey, buddy.
914
00:47:55,122 --> 00:47:56,169
What's up, Roman?
915
00:47:56,248 --> 00:47:59,627
This is crazy. This is, like,
the craziest thing I've ever been a part of.
916
00:48:03,589 --> 00:48:05,387
Where is Eric, man? He said he'd be here.
917
00:48:05,466 --> 00:48:07,013
Do we have enough chips?
918
00:48:07,093 --> 00:48:09,016
Is this playlist too dance-y?
919
00:48:09,095 --> 00:48:10,221
- Feels too dance-y.
- Too dance-y?
920
00:48:10,304 --> 00:48:13,729
- What are you talking about?
- I don't know, it just feels dance-y.
921
00:48:18,312 --> 00:48:19,655
What are you doing?
922
00:48:19,730 --> 00:48:21,858
- That's my mom's Kokopelli vase.
- I got it, I got it.
923
00:48:21,941 --> 00:48:23,409
Doug, Doug, hey!
924
00:48:23,484 --> 00:48:26,658
Hey, Paul Blart: Molly Cop.
925
00:48:27,655 --> 00:48:28,872
Such a bad joke.
926
00:48:28,948 --> 00:48:30,074
Terrible, terrible.
927
00:48:30,157 --> 00:48:31,329
- You guys know each other, right?
- Yeah.
928
00:48:31,450 --> 00:48:34,249
Get ready, get ready, there's Eric.
Wait for the signal.
929
00:48:34,328 --> 00:48:36,251
And then you come in here
looking like a rock-solid 10.
930
00:48:36,330 --> 00:48:37,456
What?
931
00:48:38,207 --> 00:48:39,424
What's up, man, how you doing?
932
00:48:39,750 --> 00:48:41,297
Eco Suave.
933
00:48:41,836 --> 00:48:42,837
Whoa.
934
00:48:43,295 --> 00:48:46,094
Wow, so I'm really digging this decor.
935
00:48:46,424 --> 00:48:48,347
Very Native American.
936
00:48:48,884 --> 00:48:50,227
Yeah, our parents are actually
937
00:48:50,302 --> 00:48:52,771
-really into Native American...
- Let's rock and roll.
938
00:48:54,515 --> 00:48:56,062
- Sorry.
- What are y'all doing?
939
00:48:56,517 --> 00:48:58,235
- Come on.
- Did you guys even see Eric?
940
00:48:58,519 --> 00:49:00,362
Seriously, did you not see Eric?
941
00:49:00,896 --> 00:49:02,614
No offense, man, but your brother sucks.
942
00:49:02,690 --> 00:49:05,443
Yo, this is butt.
There's, like, no hot dudes here.
943
00:49:05,526 --> 00:49:07,278
- Man, let's bounce.
- We're out of here, man.
944
00:49:07,361 --> 00:49:10,205
No, no, no, come on, you guys just got here
you just got here.
945
00:49:10,281 --> 00:49:12,454
Come on, let me at least give you a tour.
946
00:49:12,533 --> 00:49:14,911
Okay, boys, come on, we did it,
we can do this, just go,
947
00:49:14,994 --> 00:49:16,541
just go as fast as you possibly can.
948
00:49:16,662 --> 00:49:20,257
Taking out the SIM card.
949
00:49:20,332 --> 00:49:22,300
Taking down Eric
with the SIM card information
950
00:49:22,376 --> 00:49:24,128
Come on, CSI the shit out of this thing.
951
00:49:24,211 --> 00:49:25,838
- Are you drunk?
- No.
952
00:49:25,921 --> 00:49:27,298
Have you even been drunk before?
953
00:49:27,381 --> 00:49:28,928
- No, but...
- Give me this.
954
00:49:29,008 --> 00:49:30,635
- What?
- Can we get some bitches up in here?
955
00:49:30,718 --> 00:49:32,516
'Cause it's just boys right now.
956
00:49:32,595 --> 00:49:34,313
No, you can't get any bitches up here.
957
00:49:34,597 --> 00:49:36,099
This is my parents' bedroom.
958
00:49:38,225 --> 00:49:39,522
- What the fuck, bro? Some privacy!
- Shit, shit, shit!
959
00:49:39,602 --> 00:49:42,025
And that is a really gross three-way.
960
00:49:43,564 --> 00:49:45,111
But what was the girl in the back doing?
961
00:49:45,191 --> 00:49:47,193
Warehouse rave in Ellsworth.
962
00:49:47,276 --> 00:49:49,028
Cool, yeah.
963
00:49:49,111 --> 00:49:51,113
Hey, man, thank you for the hospitality,
964
00:49:51,197 --> 00:49:53,291
but we got to get going.
You know how it is, yeah?
965
00:49:53,365 --> 00:49:54,992
Dude, tell me about it.
966
00:49:56,118 --> 00:49:57,620
Is it ready? He's gonna leave right now.
967
00:49:57,745 --> 00:49:59,167
It's extracting right now.
968
00:49:59,246 --> 00:50:01,169
Dude, it's now or never! Is it ready or not?
969
00:50:01,248 --> 00:50:03,000
Read this.
"Please wait. Extracting data from SIM card."
970
00:50:03,083 --> 00:50:05,256
Shit! It's a bust.
971
00:50:09,423 --> 00:50:10,640
- Keep it casual.
- Yeah.
972
00:50:10,758 --> 00:50:11,725
- Go with the flow, dude.
- Cool, man.
973
00:50:11,800 --> 00:50:13,177
- I don't like to make plans or whatever.
- You got it.
974
00:50:13,260 --> 00:50:14,352
- Thank you again, though, man.
- All right.
975
00:50:14,428 --> 00:50:17,853
Eric, Eric, Eric. Hey, man, what's up?
976
00:50:18,432 --> 00:50:20,025
Hey, why you here, Scott?
977
00:50:20,100 --> 00:50:22,523
What, Kennedy High
isn't having any parties tonight?
978
00:50:22,603 --> 00:50:24,605
No, I heard you guys were partying
with some new stuff.
979
00:50:24,855 --> 00:50:27,199
Wanted to know your hookup
so me and my boys can get in on it.
980
00:50:27,274 --> 00:50:29,197
Got other commitments on that front,
so, you know...
981
00:50:29,276 --> 00:50:30,368
I wasn't asking.
982
00:50:31,904 --> 00:50:33,281
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
983
00:50:33,572 --> 00:50:36,041
Take five, take five, man, let me get this.
I got this.
984
00:50:36,116 --> 00:50:38,460
- Yeah? You sure?
- I got this one.
985
00:50:39,370 --> 00:50:41,372
Hey, big player, I don't know who you are.
986
00:50:41,455 --> 00:50:43,378
- Don't worry about who I am.
- I'm worried about it.
987
00:50:43,457 --> 00:50:45,459
- Why?
-'Cause you're at my party right now, dude.
988
00:50:45,584 --> 00:50:47,962
This is my temple,
this is where I come to find peace, dawg,
989
00:50:48,170 --> 00:50:50,889
and you're coming in here
like an emotional bull in a china shop,
990
00:50:50,965 --> 00:50:53,468
metaphorically knocking over vases,
messing with my crew,
991
00:50:53,551 --> 00:50:57,647
and I'm like, "What, Scott, what, Scott,
what, what, what, what, Scott?"
992
00:50:57,721 --> 00:50:59,098
- It's that kind of party?
- Yeah, dude.
993
00:50:59,181 --> 00:51:01,149
Matter of fact, it's getting hot in here, huh?
994
00:51:01,225 --> 00:51:03,227
- No, it's getting real.
- It's getting very real.
995
00:51:03,310 --> 00:51:06,109
Yeah. It's like seven strangers
living in one house. True story.
996
00:51:06,188 --> 00:51:07,565
- You want Real World?
- Yeah, let's do it, man.
997
00:51:07,648 --> 00:51:09,241
- Come on. What's your Real...
- Here's Real World.
998
00:51:09,942 --> 00:51:11,239
What was that? Did you hear that?
999
00:51:11,318 --> 00:51:12,786
Real enough for you?
1000
00:51:12,861 --> 00:51:14,329
Schmidt. Doug.
1001
00:51:14,405 --> 00:51:15,998
- What do I do?
- Hit him!
1002
00:51:17,992 --> 00:51:19,539
Shit! That hurt worse than when he hit me!
1003
00:51:26,250 --> 00:51:27,467
Fight normal.
1004
00:51:27,543 --> 00:51:28,965
Yo, I'm serious.
1005
00:51:29,044 --> 00:51:30,170
Sorry.
1006
00:51:34,300 --> 00:51:36,894
- I'll fucking kill you!
- I'm sorry! I'm very sorry!
1007
00:51:38,095 --> 00:51:41,269
Seriously, use your words, use your words!
1008
00:51:44,018 --> 00:51:45,065
I kicked him in the nuts.
1009
00:51:50,524 --> 00:51:52,868
Fight's over, dude! Fight's over! Fight's over!
1010
00:51:57,281 --> 00:51:58,453
No, watch my mom's shit, man!
1011
00:51:58,532 --> 00:52:00,409
- I'm gonna fucking kill you!
- You'll knock over my mom's vase!
1012
00:52:00,492 --> 00:52:02,540
- Fuck your mom's vase!
- Fuck this!
1013
00:52:07,791 --> 00:52:08,883
Oh, shit!
1014
00:52:09,627 --> 00:52:10,924
Yeah!
1015
00:52:15,090 --> 00:52:16,842
That's my brother!
1016
00:52:21,889 --> 00:52:24,267
- That was insane!
- You're so cool!
1017
00:52:25,726 --> 00:52:28,229
Did you see that shit? That was crazy.
1018
00:52:32,650 --> 00:52:33,742
Oh, shit.
1019
00:52:34,360 --> 00:52:35,737
When did I get stabbed?
1020
00:52:37,279 --> 00:52:38,451
That's awesome.
1021
00:52:40,574 --> 00:52:41,575
Yeah!
1022
00:52:44,953 --> 00:52:46,580
Is that a cop?
1023
00:52:46,664 --> 00:52:47,916
Where?
1024
00:52:48,040 --> 00:52:50,259
No, it's not. Here.
1025
00:52:50,918 --> 00:52:53,012
I'm so glad we're going back
to get my phone.
1026
00:52:53,087 --> 00:52:54,930
I just hope we don't wake up Schmidty.
1027
00:52:55,047 --> 00:52:56,424
Oh, my God, he's a policeman now.
1028
00:52:56,507 --> 00:52:58,601
It's like we're living with a narc.
1029
00:52:59,301 --> 00:53:00,644
The boy is an angel.
1030
00:53:01,178 --> 00:53:02,304
Pull it out!
1031
00:53:02,638 --> 00:53:06,359
Pull it out! Pull it out! Pull it out!
1032
00:53:06,433 --> 00:53:07,559
Sorry!
1033
00:53:17,569 --> 00:53:18,821
Okay, let's take some shots.
1034
00:53:18,904 --> 00:53:20,281
Shots, shots!
1035
00:53:25,452 --> 00:53:27,750
That's like us fucking Mother Earth
without a condom.
1036
00:54:04,575 --> 00:54:06,202
What the fuck is going on?
1037
00:54:06,326 --> 00:54:08,169
Annie, hang on.
1038
00:54:11,165 --> 00:54:12,883
Are you fucking kidding me?
1039
00:54:13,000 --> 00:54:15,924
Get out of my house. I said get out!
The party's over!
1040
00:54:16,003 --> 00:54:17,471
I'm sorry, Mom, I'm sorry!
1041
00:54:17,755 --> 00:54:19,348
The mom is coming!
1042
00:54:19,631 --> 00:54:21,508
- Listen to me!
- Chill out! Chill out!
1043
00:54:22,009 --> 00:54:23,306
- Let go of me!
- You're embarrassing me
1044
00:54:23,385 --> 00:54:25,353
-in front of my friends!
- Get back here, you shit!
1045
00:54:28,640 --> 00:54:30,483
Dude, that was so crazy, man.
1046
00:54:30,559 --> 00:54:32,778
I swear, best party I've been to in years.
1047
00:54:32,853 --> 00:54:34,480
Dude, I'm doing crazy stuff like that,
1048
00:54:34,563 --> 00:54:36,236
-like, all the time, man.
- I bet you are.
1049
00:54:36,356 --> 00:54:38,779
Dude, I'm so amped right now, God!
1050
00:54:40,235 --> 00:54:41,828
You, dude, I like you, man.
1051
00:54:41,904 --> 00:54:43,497
How do you feel about making
a little extra money?
1052
00:54:43,614 --> 00:54:45,662
Whatever it is, I'm in.
1053
00:54:45,741 --> 00:54:46,993
All right, here's the deal.
1054
00:54:47,075 --> 00:54:51,000
Okay, I can't sell all this shit on my own,
but I only bring in people I like.
1055
00:54:51,705 --> 00:54:54,049
Okay, you do good,
maybe we bring you in on what we're doing,
1056
00:54:54,166 --> 00:54:56,214
I introduce you to my hookup.
How's that sound?
1057
00:54:57,169 --> 00:54:58,466
- Cool with me.
- My man.
1058
00:54:58,545 --> 00:55:00,422
That is my man...
1059
00:55:00,756 --> 00:55:02,383
That was nuts. I lost you guys.
1060
00:55:04,968 --> 00:55:07,187
Hey, thank you again for the party, man.
1061
00:55:07,262 --> 00:55:08,639
Yo, yo.
1062
00:55:12,893 --> 00:55:14,236
Come on!
1063
00:55:16,897 --> 00:55:18,319
"I love dick"?
1064
00:55:18,398 --> 00:55:19,900
You think that's funny?
1065
00:55:19,983 --> 00:55:21,485
"Wonder Years douche"?
1066
00:55:21,568 --> 00:55:23,787
What kind of a sick animal draws
1067
00:55:23,862 --> 00:55:27,332
an ejaculating penis
into an 8-year-old's mouth?
1068
00:55:27,407 --> 00:55:30,456
It's arguably, like, an airplane throwing up.
1069
00:55:31,245 --> 00:55:32,918
You think I don't know
that's a dick and balls?
1070
00:55:33,038 --> 00:55:34,915
I know all about dick and balls!
1071
00:55:34,998 --> 00:55:37,376
I partied with Robert Downey Jr.
before he got sober,
1072
00:55:37,459 --> 00:55:39,712
when he was really fucked up
and a lot of fun!
1073
00:55:39,920 --> 00:55:41,843
You know what?
From now on, you're gonna do some chores.
1074
00:55:41,922 --> 00:55:44,220
You're gonna wash the laundry,
you're gonna fold it,
1075
00:55:44,299 --> 00:55:47,929
you're gonna do the dishes,
you're gonna mow the lawn...
1076
00:55:53,851 --> 00:55:55,273
Dude, I have a surprise for you.
1077
00:55:55,352 --> 00:55:57,150
Last night at the party, I took Eric's phone
1078
00:55:57,271 --> 00:55:59,945
and I had Zack put
this monitoring device in it,
1079
00:56:00,065 --> 00:56:03,194
so we're gonna get to hear every single thing
that little prick is up to.
1080
00:56:03,443 --> 00:56:05,195
Dude, I don't know if that was a good idea.
1081
00:56:05,279 --> 00:56:06,246
What?
1082
00:56:06,321 --> 00:56:08,289
- What if you had gotten found out?
- But it worked.
1083
00:56:08,365 --> 00:56:10,242
This is, like,
the smartest move I've ever pulled,
1084
00:56:10,325 --> 00:56:12,953
so, I'm sorry,
what are you getting mad at me for?
1085
00:56:13,036 --> 00:56:15,960
I'm not getting mad at you.
I'm glad you have something to do.
1086
00:56:18,458 --> 00:56:19,505
Good.
1087
00:56:22,713 --> 00:56:24,056
What's up?
1088
00:56:29,845 --> 00:56:31,062
Great job, Schmidt
1089
00:56:46,820 --> 00:56:49,039
- Password!
- Kneel before Zod!
1090
00:56:49,114 --> 00:56:50,411
You may enter.
1091
00:56:50,490 --> 00:56:52,083
Thank you, Zod.
1092
00:57:00,167 --> 00:57:01,293
Let's tap that wire, huh?
1093
00:57:01,376 --> 00:57:03,128
We were just about to go outside
with a bunch of chemicals.
1094
00:57:03,211 --> 00:57:05,009
We were going to test what blows up.
1095
00:57:05,505 --> 00:57:08,349
There's no reason the wiretap
is super urgent, right'?
1096
00:57:09,509 --> 00:57:11,637
Not that I can think of
that would make sense.
1097
00:57:11,845 --> 00:57:13,643
Go for it, go for it.
1098
00:57:13,722 --> 00:57:15,520
- Look out.
- Go, go, go!
1099
00:57:18,560 --> 00:57:19,561
Yes!
1100
00:57:19,937 --> 00:57:21,860
Yes, that's what I'm talking about!
1101
00:57:21,939 --> 00:57:23,361
That's what I'm talking about!
1102
00:57:23,440 --> 00:57:24,908
I love this science shit!
1103
00:57:24,983 --> 00:57:27,406
This is what you guys do all day?
Let's do it again.
1104
00:57:43,919 --> 00:57:45,262
Are you texting Molly?
1105
00:57:45,712 --> 00:57:46,759
What?
1106
00:57:47,214 --> 00:57:48,682
I don't... Molly...
1107
00:57:49,341 --> 00:57:50,638
Maybe. Is that...
1108
00:57:50,717 --> 00:57:53,345
Whoa, it's cool, man, come on.
1109
00:57:53,428 --> 00:57:56,602
I'm not some, like,
'50s letterman who pins a girl.
1110
00:57:56,682 --> 00:57:59,310
I mean, yeah, we blow each other sometimes,
but it's not a thing.
1111
00:57:59,393 --> 00:58:02,522
I just, like... I don't know,
I don't believe in possessions, ja feel?
1112
00:58:03,271 --> 00:58:05,399
Ja feel, ja definitely feel.
1113
00:58:05,691 --> 00:58:07,489
- Yeah.
- Schmidty?
1114
00:58:09,069 --> 00:58:10,241
Schmidty.
1115
00:58:11,405 --> 00:58:12,406
Phyllis.
1116
00:58:13,699 --> 00:58:15,076
- I'll be right back, dude.
- Okay.
1117
00:58:17,035 --> 00:58:19,379
Hey. How are you?
1118
00:58:19,454 --> 00:58:21,673
- How is my favorite police officer?
- Okay.
1119
00:58:21,748 --> 00:58:24,297
Your mother told me that you are undercover.
1120
00:58:24,376 --> 00:58:25,878
Listen, now is not a really good time.
1121
00:58:26,211 --> 00:58:27,929
Are you undercover right now?
1122
00:58:28,005 --> 00:58:29,473
Yes, it means I'm undercover right now.
1123
00:58:29,548 --> 00:58:31,266
Are those the bad guys over there?
1124
00:58:31,341 --> 00:58:34,185
Do they have guns? Oh, my God.
Oh, God, this is so exciting.
1125
00:58:34,261 --> 00:58:36,104
I have got to call Annie. She is gonna die.
1126
00:58:36,221 --> 00:58:39,100
I heard that that Jenko boy is your partner.
1127
00:58:39,182 --> 00:58:40,809
- Where is my phone?
- Okay, okay.
1128
00:58:40,892 --> 00:58:42,189
Shut your fucking mouth.
1129
00:58:42,269 --> 00:58:44,397
Shut your fucking mouth,
you understand me?
1130
00:58:44,479 --> 00:58:46,322
Let's go check this out.
1131
00:58:46,398 --> 00:58:48,526
I will straight-up punch you in the face
if you do not shut up.
1132
00:58:48,608 --> 00:58:50,702
- There is no...
- A straight-up face punch.
1133
00:58:50,777 --> 00:58:51,903
I swear to God, you're gonna get me killed.
1134
00:58:51,987 --> 00:58:53,409
- Hey, yo.
- That is...
1135
00:58:55,323 --> 00:58:57,121
Shit! She just tried to grab my dick, dude!
1136
00:58:57,200 --> 00:58:59,419
- What? You tried to grab his...
- She tried to grab myjunk.
1137
00:58:59,494 --> 00:59:01,041
She was like, "Oh, my God, I have arthritis,
1138
00:59:01,121 --> 00:59:02,794
"it hurts my hand,
I need to grab a handful of that dick."
1139
00:59:02,873 --> 00:59:03,999
I was like, "Get the fuck off me!"
1140
00:59:04,082 --> 00:59:05,459
She said, "I need to grab
a handful of that dick"?
1141
00:59:05,542 --> 00:59:07,169
And it felt good,
but then it felt weird for a second,
1142
00:59:07,252 --> 00:59:09,346
so I pushed her. We got to get out of here.
1143
00:59:09,421 --> 00:59:10,422
All right, cool, let's get the...
1144
00:59:26,730 --> 00:59:30,530
So your parents are just cool
with having people over whenever?
1145
00:59:30,650 --> 00:59:32,368
Yeah, you know, they're out most nights.
1146
00:59:32,486 --> 00:59:34,159
Pretty laissez-faire about the whole thing.
1147
00:59:34,696 --> 00:59:36,949
You're so lucky your parents
don't give a shit about you.
1148
00:59:37,032 --> 00:59:38,249
Right?
1149
00:59:38,325 --> 00:59:40,168
- This place is awesome.
- Yeah.
1150
00:59:40,327 --> 00:59:41,453
Hey.
1151
00:59:41,912 --> 00:59:42,913
Hey, what's up?
1152
00:59:42,996 --> 00:59:44,464
How's it going?
1153
00:59:44,539 --> 00:59:47,463
Wow, that's a bigger hug
than I was expecting.
1154
00:59:48,251 --> 00:59:49,628
Sorry. I'm happy to see you.
1155
00:59:49,711 --> 00:59:51,304
Yeah. Yeah, me, too.
1156
00:59:51,379 --> 00:59:52,972
- H6Y-
- HeY-
1157
00:59:55,175 --> 00:59:56,392
Good?
1158
00:59:56,676 --> 00:59:58,019
- All right, come on.
- Yeah, let's...
1159
00:59:58,095 --> 01:00:00,348
I brought tacos, so that's cool.
1160
01:00:00,597 --> 01:00:03,271
Try to turn it, try to turn it, spoiler alert
1161
01:00:03,350 --> 01:00:06,024
Spoiler alert, spoiler alert!
1162
01:00:06,186 --> 01:00:10,942
Hey, boys, this eco-pussy
is going down today.
1163
01:00:11,024 --> 01:00:13,698
Take down eco-pussy
1164
01:00:13,777 --> 01:00:16,530
Take down eco-pussy!
1165
01:00:16,988 --> 01:00:21,038
Mother Earth, Mother Earth is dying
1166
01:00:21,743 --> 01:00:23,916
And when it rains
1167
01:00:23,995 --> 01:00:25,872
It means that beautiful bitch is crying
1168
01:00:26,081 --> 01:00:27,924
- It's really not a planet.
- It's for sure a planet.
1169
01:00:28,375 --> 01:00:29,797
Pluto is a planet.
1170
01:00:29,876 --> 01:00:30,923
- It's ready!
- It used to be a planet.
1171
01:00:31,002 --> 01:00:32,049
- It's ready.
- Not any more.
1172
01:00:32,129 --> 01:00:35,303
Reduce, reuse
1173
01:00:36,508 --> 01:00:37,555
Recycle
1174
01:00:37,634 --> 01:00:38,760
I'm embarrassed.
1175
01:00:38,844 --> 01:00:41,222
- I always feel exposed after playing.
- Do not feel exposed.
1176
01:00:41,346 --> 01:00:42,393
I got to use the bathroom.
1177
01:00:42,514 --> 01:00:44,391
- Is it in there?
- Yeah, yeah, right up there, dude.
1178
01:00:44,474 --> 01:00:46,476
All right, all right, all right, all right.
God damn that.
1179
01:00:46,560 --> 01:00:49,029
The mic is live and we can
hear how the other half lives.
1180
01:01:04,077 --> 01:01:05,499
What are you doing?
1181
01:01:05,579 --> 01:01:07,126
I heard something.
1182
01:01:07,205 --> 01:01:09,333
Hey, can I ask you something? Sit down.
1183
01:01:09,416 --> 01:01:10,588
Okay.
1184
01:01:11,168 --> 01:01:14,172
I just want to make sure
that you and Eric are going to be careful
1185
01:01:14,254 --> 01:01:17,884
with whatever it is
that you're getting involved in.
1186
01:01:19,009 --> 01:01:20,932
Yeah, I promise we will.
1187
01:01:21,011 --> 01:01:23,389
It would just suck
if something bad happened,
1188
01:01:24,890 --> 01:01:26,563
because you're a good guy.
1189
01:01:26,766 --> 01:01:29,861
Yeah, no, I feel the same way about you,
1190
01:01:29,936 --> 01:01:31,779
except girl version.
1191
01:01:32,105 --> 01:01:33,607
You're a girl.
1192
01:01:34,024 --> 01:01:35,446
- I am.
- Yeah.
1193
01:01:36,151 --> 01:01:37,528
That's why I put this dress on,
1194
01:01:37,611 --> 01:01:39,033
-to remind you.
- Exactly.
1195
01:01:39,237 --> 01:01:42,116
- Are you excited about the play?
- Yes.
1196
01:01:42,199 --> 01:01:43,291
Yeah, you were just
1197
01:01:43,366 --> 01:01:44,413
-right in there with excitement.
- Yes.
1198
01:01:44,492 --> 01:01:45,869
- No hesitash.
- I'm very excited.
1199
01:01:45,952 --> 01:01:47,499
Yeah.
1200
01:01:47,621 --> 01:01:49,214
Does that make me a super nerd?
1201
01:01:49,289 --> 01:01:50,916
No, not at all.
1202
01:01:51,124 --> 01:01:52,421
We get to act together:
1203
01:01:52,500 --> 01:01:55,379
What a vagina. He has no chance with her.
1204
01:01:55,462 --> 01:01:56,554
So...
1205
01:01:56,630 --> 01:01:57,882
- Shit.
- Sorry.
1206
01:01:57,964 --> 01:01:59,762
You're on the prom committee.
1207
01:01:59,841 --> 01:02:01,343
Do you think it's going to be fun?
1208
01:02:01,593 --> 01:02:02,765
Did shejust bring up prom on her own?
1209
01:02:02,844 --> 01:02:04,642
- She did, she just brought up prom.
- What is she doing?
1210
01:02:04,721 --> 01:02:06,348
I think it's going to be awesome.
1211
01:02:06,514 --> 01:02:07,857
- Prom eats a dong.
- Multiple dongs.
1212
01:02:07,933 --> 01:02:09,025
All right, anyone who says
1213
01:02:09,100 --> 01:02:11,899
they don't care about prom
actually secretly does.
1214
01:02:11,978 --> 01:02:14,072
Who we gonna take to the prom?
No one's going to prom with us.
1215
01:02:14,147 --> 01:02:17,401
Come on, picture it.
You pull up in a white stallion of a limo.
1216
01:02:17,484 --> 01:02:19,111
You got fine-ass honeys with you.
1217
01:02:19,194 --> 01:02:21,367
You're dressed to the nines
with your best buds.
1218
01:02:21,446 --> 01:02:23,448
Doves fly out behind you, slow motion.
1219
01:02:23,531 --> 01:02:25,249
Doves. Why doves?
1220
01:02:25,825 --> 01:02:28,954
'Cause doves make you look
like a badass, that's why.
1221
01:02:29,037 --> 01:02:30,755
I am pretty skeptical,
1222
01:02:31,498 --> 01:02:36,004
but maybe, if someone fun asked me,
I would go.
1223
01:02:37,712 --> 01:02:40,090
Aren't... Isn't... Aren't you and Eric...
1224
01:02:40,173 --> 01:02:41,766
Wouldn't you and Eric go together?
1225
01:02:43,051 --> 01:02:44,724
Not that I know of.
1226
01:02:53,061 --> 01:02:54,187
Would you...
1227
01:02:54,271 --> 01:02:55,318
He's going to choke.
1228
01:02:55,522 --> 01:02:58,071
He always chokes.
He's going to choke, wait for it.
1229
01:02:58,525 --> 01:03:01,449
So would...
1230
01:03:01,695 --> 01:03:03,242
So would...
1231
01:03:04,364 --> 01:03:05,991
Would you...
1232
01:03:07,701 --> 01:03:08,953
Mayb...
1233
01:03:09,869 --> 01:03:12,247
- Oh, my God. Are you okay?
- Yeah.
1234
01:03:12,455 --> 01:03:15,425
That is the actual sound of choking.
1235
01:03:16,293 --> 01:03:19,388
I was wondering if you...
1236
01:03:20,797 --> 01:03:22,265
Would you
1237
01:03:23,883 --> 01:03:25,556
maybe want to go
1238
01:03:27,554 --> 01:03:28,680
with me to prom?
1239
01:03:28,763 --> 01:03:30,891
Would you want to go to me...
Maybe with me to prom?
1240
01:03:31,516 --> 01:03:32,563
Yes.
1241
01:03:33,727 --> 01:03:35,695
I would love to go to prom with you.
1242
01:03:36,396 --> 01:03:38,490
What? She just said yes!
1243
01:03:38,565 --> 01:03:40,033
- Whoa.
- Wow.
1244
01:03:40,191 --> 01:03:42,193
Good for you, Doug.
1245
01:03:42,527 --> 01:03:44,404
Thank you for asking.
1246
01:03:52,704 --> 01:03:53,751
Put her there, man.
1247
01:03:53,830 --> 01:03:55,753
Just put... Put it right there.
1248
01:03:56,041 --> 01:03:59,341
I'm putting it right there.
1249
01:03:59,627 --> 01:04:01,345
Yeah. There you guys are.
1250
01:04:01,421 --> 01:04:02,968
What's up, my man?
1251
01:04:03,048 --> 01:04:04,049
- Hi.
- How you doing?
1252
01:04:04,132 --> 01:04:05,805
- Whazzup?
- Yeah.
1253
01:04:06,384 --> 01:04:09,228
Doug... Okay, settle an argument.
1254
01:04:09,346 --> 01:04:11,064
You and your brother aren't related, right?
1255
01:04:11,139 --> 01:04:12,356
'Cause you look totally different.
1256
01:04:12,432 --> 01:04:13,775
He's adopted.
1257
01:04:13,850 --> 01:04:16,103
We all suspect from a very lame family.
1258
01:04:17,562 --> 01:04:18,814
Where is he tonight?
1259
01:04:18,938 --> 01:04:22,693
Probably at home with those lame tools
he hangs out with. I don't know.
1260
01:04:22,776 --> 01:04:25,370
You know how Tom Cruise is
always pissed off at Rain Man?
1261
01:04:25,445 --> 01:04:28,995
That's like my life,
except Brad is really shitty at math.
1262
01:04:31,451 --> 01:04:32,919
Your brother's kind of a dick.
1263
01:04:32,994 --> 01:04:34,541
Well, yeah.
1264
01:04:36,081 --> 01:04:37,458
He kind of is, isn't he?
1265
01:04:37,582 --> 01:04:38,799
Don't listen to that.
1266
01:04:39,125 --> 01:04:40,877
I don't give a fuck.
1267
01:04:46,966 --> 01:04:49,389
Dude, Eric is the funniest IM-er.
1268
01:04:56,267 --> 01:04:57,689
Oh, fuck.
1269
01:04:59,479 --> 01:05:01,823
Hey, guys. It's so funny seeing you here.
1270
01:05:01,898 --> 01:05:03,571
How are you? Guess what, I don't care.
1271
01:05:03,650 --> 01:05:06,119
We just closed our third
high school operation.
1272
01:05:06,194 --> 01:05:08,117
And check what we found at Kennedy.
1273
01:05:08,196 --> 01:05:10,790
Looks like we're going to have to do
your job for you.
1274
01:05:10,865 --> 01:05:14,165
Your drugs is spreading
to different schools now, sucker.
1275
01:05:16,413 --> 01:05:20,384
You failed to stop the outbreak,
and you have no leads!
1276
01:05:20,667 --> 01:05:22,510
We are running out of time!
1277
01:05:22,585 --> 01:05:24,337
You either find the supplier,
1278
01:05:24,421 --> 01:05:26,924
or I'm gonna jump your asses
off Jump Street!
1279
01:05:27,006 --> 01:05:28,974
I totally understand
where you're coming from, sir,
1280
01:05:29,050 --> 01:05:31,473
but, look, I heard Eric
talking on the phone yesterday
1281
01:05:31,553 --> 01:05:33,726
with somebody that sounded very suspect
1282
01:05:33,805 --> 01:05:35,978
about meeting up with a stuffed pifiata.
1283
01:05:37,600 --> 01:05:39,728
Is that a code for sex?
1284
01:05:42,397 --> 01:05:44,274
- Pifiata? Really?
- Yep.
1285
01:05:44,566 --> 01:05:46,239
Remember that wiretap
I put on Eric's phone?
1286
01:05:46,359 --> 01:05:49,033
While you were having the time of your life
last night, I was listening.
1287
01:05:49,154 --> 01:05:51,953
I overheard a phone call between Eric
and some dude about a pifiata.
1288
01:05:54,075 --> 01:05:55,201
That's all you heard?
1289
01:05:55,785 --> 01:05:56,877
Yep.
1290
01:06:00,457 --> 01:06:02,050
I am so nervous.
1291
01:06:02,167 --> 01:06:05,216
We are about to premiere
in front of the whole school.
1292
01:06:05,295 --> 01:06:07,764
I apologize in advance
if I throw up on you onstage.
1293
01:06:08,381 --> 01:06:09,974
Serious question, though.
1294
01:06:10,758 --> 01:06:12,260
How do I look?
1295
01:06:12,969 --> 01:06:14,266
Ravishing.
1296
01:06:14,387 --> 01:06:16,810
Is it too sexy of an outfit?
1297
01:06:16,890 --> 01:06:18,187
Bend the knee a little bit.
1298
01:06:18,266 --> 01:06:19,643
Yep, it is.
1299
01:06:21,895 --> 01:06:25,069
It's going to be so much easier
having you onstage with me.
1300
01:06:25,148 --> 01:06:26,650
I am so happy that I met you.
1301
01:06:26,733 --> 01:06:30,033
You're, like, the only guy
that I can really trust.
1302
01:06:30,111 --> 01:06:32,580
Yep. That's me.
1303
01:06:33,406 --> 01:06:34,498
Doug.
1304
01:06:39,913 --> 01:06:41,586
Potassium nitrate.
1305
01:06:42,457 --> 01:06:45,461
Don't hate. It's great.
1306
01:06:45,543 --> 01:06:47,341
It can act as an oxidizer.
1307
01:06:47,420 --> 01:06:49,263
I didn't know that, but now I'm wiser.
1308
01:06:50,757 --> 01:06:53,055
It has a crystalline structure.
1309
01:06:53,134 --> 01:06:55,933
If you can't respect that,
you're a butt muncher.
1310
01:06:56,596 --> 01:06:58,894
It's a key ingredient in gunpowder.
1311
01:06:59,265 --> 01:07:02,018
K-NO-three, don't give no grief.
1312
01:07:02,644 --> 01:07:05,318
It can be used to make corned beef.
1313
01:07:07,106 --> 01:07:09,154
It's also known as saltpeter.
1314
01:07:15,156 --> 01:07:16,282
- Brad?
- Shit.
1315
01:07:16,366 --> 01:07:18,039
Where are you going?
1316
01:07:18,117 --> 01:07:20,290
I don't want to look like
it's like I'm wearing makeup.
1317
01:07:20,370 --> 01:07:22,088
- Right.
- Doug! Hi.
1318
01:07:22,163 --> 01:07:23,540
Brad!
1319
01:07:23,623 --> 01:07:24,840
Whoa. What are you wearing?
1320
01:07:24,916 --> 01:07:26,509
Potassium nitrate. Thanks for noticing.
1321
01:07:26,751 --> 01:07:27,798
I need to borrow you.
1322
01:07:27,877 --> 01:07:29,550
Now's not a good time, Brad.
1323
01:07:30,129 --> 01:07:31,381
It's a really good time.
1324
01:07:31,965 --> 01:07:35,640
'Cause my pifiata is killing me.
1325
01:07:35,885 --> 01:07:37,728
Is that code for a sex thing?
1326
01:07:37,804 --> 01:07:39,431
It's leaving the parking lot.
1327
01:07:39,514 --> 01:07:40,686
Pifiata?
1328
01:07:42,475 --> 01:07:44,773
Molly.
1329
01:07:44,852 --> 01:07:46,820
I will be right back.
I need to help Brad with something, okay?
1330
01:07:46,896 --> 01:07:48,489
I just need to help Brad
with something real quick.
1331
01:07:48,565 --> 01:07:49,691
- What? No. What?
- I promise you...
1332
01:07:49,774 --> 01:07:51,526
Do you understand how soon
the show is starting?
1333
01:07:51,609 --> 01:07:53,202
I swear to you
I will be back in time for curtain.
1334
01:07:53,278 --> 01:07:55,121
- I swear. I swear to you.
- Tell me you understand how soon...
1335
01:07:55,196 --> 01:07:57,164
What? Are you kidding me?
1336
01:07:59,325 --> 01:08:00,918
What did I say? What did I say?
1337
01:08:00,994 --> 01:08:03,873
See? Whose wiretap is
working for him now, huh?
1338
01:08:13,590 --> 01:08:14,762
Shit.
1339
01:08:15,008 --> 01:08:16,180
Fuck!
1340
01:08:16,676 --> 01:08:18,644
You told me not to worry about the tickets!
1341
01:08:18,720 --> 01:08:20,893
I thought they made us look cool.
1342
01:08:20,972 --> 01:08:23,100
- Cones, cones...
- Driver's ed car.
1343
01:08:23,182 --> 01:08:24,229
- I'm driving.
- No, you're not.
1344
01:08:24,350 --> 01:08:27,229
- I never get to drive. I'm driving this time.
- Fine! Drive!
1345
01:08:27,353 --> 01:08:29,276
- Hey, guys.
- Just borrowing this for one sec.
1346
01:08:29,355 --> 01:08:31,449
- Sure.
- Go. Go, go, go, go.
1347
01:08:32,025 --> 01:08:33,618
Guys, hey, wait. Guys, you're not on the list.
1348
01:08:33,693 --> 01:08:35,991
Hey, guys, wait! Who cares?
1349
01:08:51,794 --> 01:08:53,762
- Holy fucking shit.
- No fucking way.
1350
01:08:54,380 --> 01:08:55,723
Those are the guys from the park.
1351
01:08:55,798 --> 01:08:57,095
That's just too crazy.
1352
01:08:58,384 --> 01:09:00,478
What do you think's in that thing?
1353
01:09:00,553 --> 01:09:02,226
I don't know, money, drugs.
1354
01:09:02,305 --> 01:09:04,774
They could be a new buyer,
or they could be the supplier.
1355
01:09:04,849 --> 01:09:06,726
If it's good, you'll hear from me.
1356
01:09:06,809 --> 01:09:10,313
If it's not good, you'll hear from me
about telling you how it's not good.
1357
01:09:10,396 --> 01:09:11,488
Makes sense.
1358
01:09:11,564 --> 01:09:13,987
- Get the fuck out of here.
- Yeah, no worries, man.
1359
01:09:14,067 --> 01:09:15,740
I'll see you guys.
1360
01:09:15,818 --> 01:09:18,071
We definitely got to follow
them and find out, though.
1361
01:09:20,573 --> 01:09:22,496
- Get down! Get down!
- Get down! Get down!
1362
01:09:26,037 --> 01:09:27,209
- What are you doing?
- If they see us,
1363
01:09:27,288 --> 01:09:28,540
just pretend like you're sucking my dick.
1364
01:09:28,623 --> 01:09:30,125
- What? No!
- Yes. Stop.
1365
01:09:30,208 --> 01:09:31,801
You pretend like you're sucking my dick.
1366
01:09:31,918 --> 01:09:33,511
No, just pretend like you're sucking my dick.
1367
01:09:33,586 --> 01:09:34,929
Why am I automatically blowing you?
1368
01:09:35,004 --> 01:09:37,132
'Cause you're in
a fucking Peter Pan costume!
1369
01:09:37,215 --> 01:09:38,307
Okay.
1370
01:09:44,430 --> 01:09:45,522
Okay, let's go. Let's go, let's go.
1371
01:09:45,598 --> 01:09:47,066
- Go, go, go.
- Okay, fine, we'll follow them.
1372
01:09:47,141 --> 01:09:49,109
But we need to be back in
30 minutes for curtain.
1373
01:09:55,233 --> 01:09:56,530
Dude, did you just hit the teacher brake?
1374
01:09:56,609 --> 01:09:57,656
Yeah, you're following too close, dude.
1375
01:09:57,777 --> 01:09:59,450
- They're going to make us.
- Well, if I go too far back,
1376
01:09:59,529 --> 01:10:01,372
it's going to look even
more suspicious, so just stop.
1377
01:10:01,447 --> 01:10:02,619
God, just let me do my thing.
1378
01:10:02,740 --> 01:10:04,333
I know what I'm doing.
1379
01:10:06,452 --> 01:10:09,080
Seriously, if you do that again,
I'm going to Whac-A-Mole you in the balls.
1380
01:10:09,163 --> 01:10:10,210
Just stay back.
1381
01:10:10,289 --> 01:10:13,168
- I could not be more serious.
- Take your foot off the brake.
1382
01:10:13,251 --> 01:10:15,629
- No. I'm not... No.
- Take your foot off the brake!
1383
01:10:23,553 --> 01:10:25,021
Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
1384
01:10:25,096 --> 01:10:26,393
- Look what you did!
- Look what you did!
1385
01:10:26,472 --> 01:10:29,396
What the fuck?
You non-driving motherfuckers!
1386
01:10:29,475 --> 01:10:31,273
Get the fuck out of the car!
1387
01:10:31,352 --> 01:10:33,946
- Oh, fuck.
- Lock the door! Lock the door!
1388
01:10:34,021 --> 01:10:35,147
What do I do? Go away!
1389
01:10:35,231 --> 01:10:36,483
What are you, a fucking Keebler Elf?
1390
01:10:37,483 --> 01:10:38,985
Get him out of that car!
1391
01:10:40,903 --> 01:10:42,701
- No, no!
- It's fucking ZZ Top!
1392
01:10:42,822 --> 01:10:44,495
- No, no! No, no, no!
- It's fucking ZZ Top!
1393
01:10:44,574 --> 01:10:45,575
Like an angry walrus!
1394
01:10:45,658 --> 01:10:48,252
- I stomp the car now!
- Oh, my God!
1395
01:10:49,662 --> 01:10:51,664
- Stomp! Stomp!
- Oh, shit.
1396
01:10:51,789 --> 01:10:54,042
- Okay. Okay.
- Oh, my God! Stop, dude! Go!
1397
01:10:57,503 --> 01:10:59,505
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
1398
01:11:02,717 --> 01:11:05,095
- Just let me drive!
- Stop hitting me!
1399
01:11:13,436 --> 01:11:14,938
Dude, watch out!
1400
01:11:16,189 --> 01:11:18,738
Will you stop front-seat driving?
Get your hands off the wheel!
1401
01:11:18,858 --> 01:11:20,610
Man, you just hit two people back there!
1402
01:11:20,693 --> 01:11:22,695
- You stop. I'm not...
- Take your hands off. Shit!
1403
01:11:27,325 --> 01:11:28,622
- We're stuck in traffic!
- Oh, shit.
1404
01:11:28,701 --> 01:11:30,999
- Shit, they're coming! They're coming!
- What?
1405
01:11:31,537 --> 01:11:32,834
Oh, my God, dude.
1406
01:11:32,914 --> 01:11:34,006
What do we do?
1407
01:11:34,081 --> 01:11:35,298
What the... What the...
1408
01:11:35,374 --> 01:11:37,172
Oh, Shit. Oh, shit.
1409
01:11:37,251 --> 01:11:38,628
Oh, shit.
1410
01:11:38,711 --> 01:11:40,088
- Oh, shit.
- What's wrong with you? Run!
1411
01:11:40,171 --> 01:11:42,048
I can't! I'm wearing tights!
1412
01:11:42,131 --> 01:11:44,509
I got skinny jeans on!
It's the same fucking thing!
1413
01:11:46,552 --> 01:11:48,554
They're going to make us, or kill us.
1414
01:11:49,889 --> 01:11:51,812
- Porsche! Porsche!
- Police! Get out of the car, douche!
1415
01:11:51,891 --> 01:11:53,484
I'm on a call here, jackass.
1416
01:11:53,559 --> 01:11:56,859
That's right. Go to sleep, bitch.
You just got head-butted, motherfucker!
1417
01:11:56,938 --> 01:11:58,190
- Go, go, go, go, go, go!
- Shit.
1418
01:12:02,151 --> 01:12:04,074
Check around for a gun or something,
all right?
1419
01:12:04,153 --> 01:12:05,496
Where? Where?
There's no glove compartment
1420
01:12:05,571 --> 01:12:08,700
in this shitty-ass car!
There's golf balls and this.
1421
01:12:08,783 --> 01:12:10,660
- What am I supposed to do with this?
- I don't know, man!
1422
01:12:10,743 --> 01:12:12,370
I've never been in a freeway chase before!
1423
01:12:26,968 --> 01:12:30,017
Watch out! It's going to explode!
It's going to go!
1424
01:12:30,888 --> 01:12:32,686
- What happened?
- I don't know.
1425
01:12:32,765 --> 01:12:34,017
- It just didn't explode.
- That's weird.
1426
01:12:36,727 --> 01:12:39,401
Can anybody tell me where my Peter is?
1427
01:12:40,022 --> 01:12:43,526
French! You're not my first choice,
but I need you to go on as Peter.
1428
01:12:43,609 --> 01:12:45,737
Oh, gosh. And I've been in character
for months now.
1429
01:12:45,820 --> 01:12:47,572
Great. Nobody cares.
1430
01:12:48,114 --> 01:12:49,957
Come on! Another traffic jam?
1431
01:12:51,033 --> 01:12:53,035
I'm sorry I didn't check the traffic report
1432
01:12:53,119 --> 01:12:54,962
-before we got in a car chase!
- Let's go! Come on!
1433
01:12:55,037 --> 01:12:58,086
- Come on. Let's go, let's go, let's go!
- Shit!
1434
01:12:59,750 --> 01:13:01,878
- Are you texting?
- No, I'm not texting!
1435
01:13:01,961 --> 01:13:04,134
- Yes, you are! You're texting!
- No, I'm not!
1436
01:13:04,213 --> 01:13:05,214
Okay, almost done.
1437
01:13:07,008 --> 01:13:08,134
IILOL.ll
1438
01:13:10,344 --> 01:13:11,721
I'm driving!
1439
01:13:11,804 --> 01:13:13,647
Why do you always jump
over the car like that?
1440
01:13:13,723 --> 01:13:14,940
Hi. Hi. How are you?
1441
01:13:15,016 --> 01:13:16,393
- Hi.
- God damn, you are beautiful.
1442
01:13:16,475 --> 01:13:18,728
- Oh. Hi.
- You are fine as shit.
1443
01:13:18,811 --> 01:13:20,108
Don't worry. Someone will pick you up.
1444
01:13:20,187 --> 01:13:22,030
- Wow.
- Hurry. Just drive.
1445
01:13:22,148 --> 01:13:23,650
Wait. Pick me up?
1446
01:13:27,069 --> 01:13:28,742
- They're coming! They're coming!
- I got an idea.
1447
01:13:28,821 --> 01:13:30,994
Why don't you text them
and ask them to stop chasing us?
1448
01:13:36,787 --> 01:13:38,209
Oh, shit!
1449
01:13:40,666 --> 01:13:41,758
He's got a gun!
1450
01:13:41,834 --> 01:13:42,801
I'm going to throw this thing at him!
1451
01:13:42,877 --> 01:13:43,969
Okay, you don't have to narrate everything!
1452
01:13:44,045 --> 01:13:45,422
- Just throw it!
- Okay! Okay, okay!
1453
01:14:01,812 --> 01:14:03,439
- It's going to explode!
- Oh, my God! Roll up the windows!
1454
01:14:03,522 --> 01:14:04,694
- What the fuck is that going to do?
- Roll it up!
1455
01:14:04,774 --> 01:14:05,900
- I don't fucking care! Just do it!
- Oh, God!
1456
01:14:12,615 --> 01:14:15,243
I really thought that one
was going to explode.
1457
01:14:21,582 --> 01:14:22,834
Oh, shit!
1458
01:14:25,294 --> 01:14:26,637
Look in the glove compartment for a gun.
1459
01:14:26,712 --> 01:14:28,339
What are you talking about?
We're in a pink Bug!
1460
01:14:28,422 --> 01:14:31,426
I don't care.
Look in the goddamn glove compartment!
1461
01:14:31,509 --> 01:14:33,011
What the hell?
1462
01:14:37,390 --> 01:14:39,233
- Shoot.
- Oh, my God. Okay! Okay!
1463
01:14:39,308 --> 01:14:41,185
Shoot the gun! Shoot the gun!
1464
01:14:41,268 --> 01:14:43,396
Can't get a good shot, man!
I can't get a good shot!
1465
01:14:43,479 --> 01:14:45,072
- Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
- Take the shot!
1466
01:14:45,231 --> 01:14:46,483
Take the shot! Just shoot him! Let's go!
1467
01:14:46,565 --> 01:14:47,908
Shit, shit, Shit, Shit, shit, shit, shit.
1468
01:14:48,025 --> 01:14:49,368
- Shoot! Shoot!
- Shit, shit...
1469
01:15:05,543 --> 01:15:07,921
That's what exploded? Holy shit.
That was crazy.
1470
01:15:08,004 --> 01:15:09,426
Why did you shoot for me?
1471
01:15:09,755 --> 01:15:11,177
You weren't shooting, you were choking,
1472
01:15:11,257 --> 01:15:12,759
-so I had to save us.
- I was going to shoot.
1473
01:15:12,883 --> 01:15:15,227
- You always do this, every single time.
- What?
1474
01:15:15,302 --> 01:15:17,020
Seriously, just take me back to school, man.
1475
01:15:17,096 --> 01:15:20,521
If I miss this play, Molly's going to freak out
and she's not going to go to prom with me.
1476
01:15:20,599 --> 01:15:22,601
- Are you fucking serious right now?
- Fuck, yes, I'm serious!
1477
01:15:26,063 --> 01:15:29,158
Can't believe you made me late.
You're so selfish.
1478
01:15:29,275 --> 01:15:31,152
- I'm selfish?
- Yes, you're selfish!
1479
01:15:31,277 --> 01:15:32,369
Are you fucking kidding me?
1480
01:15:32,445 --> 01:15:33,867
Look at yourself!
1481
01:15:34,947 --> 01:15:36,790
You're in too deep, man.
1482
01:15:37,366 --> 01:15:39,664
Yesterday, I found
a college application on your desk!
1483
01:15:39,785 --> 01:15:41,958
I don't know how long this case
is going to last.
1484
01:15:42,079 --> 01:15:45,629
And Eric's going to get into Berkeley,
and, honestly, I can get in, too.
1485
01:15:45,708 --> 01:15:48,382
Who knows? I could ride this thing out.
I could be a doctor or something.
1486
01:15:48,461 --> 01:15:49,804
Have you lost your fucking mind?
1487
01:15:49,920 --> 01:15:52,139
You screwed this investigation all up.
1488
01:15:52,715 --> 01:15:54,763
At least I know my Miranda rights, you idiot.
1489
01:16:00,014 --> 01:16:02,312
You are a very silly man indeed.
1490
01:16:02,391 --> 01:16:04,519
Boys, squaws, come quickly.
1491
01:16:04,602 --> 01:16:08,106
Hey! Sorry! It's okay. I'm here.
1492
01:16:08,647 --> 01:16:10,365
I know I missed the first few scenes.
1493
01:16:10,441 --> 01:16:12,819
I want to thank...
Give it up to French Samuels
1494
01:16:12,902 --> 01:16:16,247
-for ably backing me up.
- Fuck you, Doug! What?
1495
01:16:16,322 --> 01:16:18,324
I say we just roll right into this thing, huh?
1496
01:16:20,951 --> 01:16:22,999
This is my twin. We're together in...
1497
01:16:23,120 --> 01:16:24,337
Get the fuck out of here.
1498
01:16:25,498 --> 01:16:28,001
What are you doing?
Have you completely lost your mind?
1499
01:16:28,334 --> 01:16:29,551
What is this?
1500
01:16:29,627 --> 01:16:31,925
I don't know, but it's already more exciting.
1501
01:16:32,004 --> 01:16:33,472
You're embarrassing me.
1502
01:16:33,547 --> 01:16:34,799
It's okay. I'll make it up to you.
1503
01:16:35,424 --> 01:16:38,018
And... Let's fly!
1504
01:16:41,764 --> 01:16:43,858
- Such bullshit!
- Get off of me!
1505
01:16:46,143 --> 01:16:48,441
I'm not dumb! I'm smart!
1506
01:16:48,521 --> 01:16:50,489
You think I'm stupid? You're stupid!
1507
01:16:50,564 --> 01:16:53,317
- Go, Doug!
- I guess I should do something.
1508
01:16:53,400 --> 01:16:55,118
I should probably not
just stand here watching.
1509
01:16:55,194 --> 01:16:56,571
I should take action.
1510
01:16:56,654 --> 01:16:58,031
Worst best friend ever!
1511
01:17:03,786 --> 01:17:04,958
M°IIY, I'm sorry!
1512
01:17:05,287 --> 01:17:06,960
I don't want to talk to you ever again.
1513
01:17:07,039 --> 01:17:08,211
I'm sorry.
1514
01:17:14,171 --> 01:17:15,263
You stupid idiot!
1515
01:17:20,886 --> 01:17:22,638
- Come here!
- Come on!
1516
01:17:29,186 --> 01:17:31,905
Make fun of me behind my back
and everybody laughs at me?
1517
01:17:32,022 --> 01:17:35,322
I was a loser for four years!
You couldn't handle it for five minutes!
1518
01:17:35,401 --> 01:17:37,529
Have some fairy dust, motherfucker!
1519
01:17:40,739 --> 01:17:41,831
Hey, guys, no!
1520
01:17:43,284 --> 01:17:46,254
I heard you call me Rain Man, you asshole!
1521
01:17:46,328 --> 01:17:48,547
Principal Dadier sucks dick!
1522
01:17:51,417 --> 01:17:52,885
You're supposed to be my friend!
1523
01:17:52,960 --> 01:17:56,635
Stop! Stop it. You're expelled.
Both of you are expelled.
1524
01:18:00,050 --> 01:18:02,018
And that's the end of Act Two.
1525
01:18:21,947 --> 01:18:24,951
Is that it? You're not going to scream at us?
1526
01:18:25,618 --> 01:18:26,790
Nope.
1527
01:18:27,912 --> 01:18:29,505
I'm gonna just fire you.
1528
01:19:18,921 --> 01:19:20,468
Moving out?
1529
01:19:20,547 --> 01:19:21,764
Yep.
1530
01:19:24,343 --> 01:19:26,437
You know what's crazy to me
1531
01:19:26,971 --> 01:19:29,315
is that I think that I actually
thought that we were brothers.
1532
01:19:31,308 --> 01:19:33,686
I would've tooken a bullet for you.
1533
01:19:40,526 --> 01:19:42,949
Get in now. Both of you.
1534
01:19:43,028 --> 01:19:44,154
Why should I?
1535
01:19:45,155 --> 01:19:46,156
Just get in the car, man.
1536
01:19:46,532 --> 01:19:48,626
Get in the fucking car.
1537
01:19:48,701 --> 01:19:50,169
Nope, not until you ask nicely.
1538
01:19:51,996 --> 01:19:53,623
Please get in the car.
1539
01:19:58,419 --> 01:20:00,922
Come on, you guys. Come on. Please. Jesus.
1540
01:20:02,923 --> 01:20:05,142
Some messed up shit went down yesterday.
1541
01:20:05,467 --> 01:20:07,140
Yeah, after we made the exchange,
1542
01:20:07,219 --> 01:20:10,723
our potential business partners
got followed by some fucking cops.
1543
01:20:10,806 --> 01:20:12,228
That's insane, man.
1544
01:20:12,349 --> 01:20:13,646
Are you serious?
1545
01:20:13,726 --> 01:20:15,854
Okay, it's just I don't want to go to jail!
1546
01:20:15,936 --> 01:20:18,314
You know what happens to
a handsome guy like me in jail?
1547
01:20:18,397 --> 01:20:20,149
It rhymes with "grape"!
1548
01:20:20,816 --> 01:20:22,284
It rhymes with "grape."
1549
01:20:23,235 --> 01:20:24,532
I can't let that happen.
1550
01:20:24,611 --> 01:20:25,737
So I got these from my dad's gun cabinet.
1551
01:20:25,821 --> 01:20:27,494
- Eric, Eric, Eric, Eric.
- Whoa. Come on. Whoa.
1552
01:20:27,573 --> 01:20:31,373
Springfield .45s, police issue.
Very powerful guns.
1553
01:20:31,994 --> 01:20:33,621
You ever use one?
1554
01:20:34,413 --> 01:20:37,007
- We're not really gun people, man. No.
- No?
1555
01:20:38,500 --> 01:20:40,377
A lot of things
have made me wonder about you.
1556
01:20:40,461 --> 01:20:41,508
Come on.
1557
01:20:42,046 --> 01:20:44,014
Your taste in music
1558
01:20:44,089 --> 01:20:46,763
The fact that you look
like a fucking 40-year-old man.
1559
01:20:47,384 --> 01:20:50,684
Then after that shit at the play, I realized
1560
01:20:53,390 --> 01:20:56,018
there's no way you guys could be cops.
1561
01:20:58,437 --> 01:21:01,031
Yeah, I got this deal going down.
The supplier's going to be there.
1562
01:21:01,106 --> 01:21:03,325
I need people I can trust.
1563
01:21:05,110 --> 01:21:06,578
All right. All right, come on.
1564
01:21:06,653 --> 01:21:08,326
Okay, right over here,
we're going to shoot these bottles.
1565
01:21:08,447 --> 01:21:09,790
- We're going to practice, okay?
- Okay.
1566
01:21:20,292 --> 01:21:23,262
That was... That was actually
really fuckin' awesome.
1567
01:21:23,337 --> 01:21:24,589
Beginner's luck.
1568
01:21:24,671 --> 01:21:26,014
All right.
1569
01:21:26,090 --> 01:21:27,717
The supplier wants the deal
to go down at prom.
1570
01:21:27,800 --> 01:21:29,302
All right, there's going to be
all these heavies there,
1571
01:21:29,426 --> 01:21:30,928
but as long as you guys have my back...
1572
01:21:31,011 --> 01:21:32,854
Yeah? Yeah? Shit.
1573
01:21:32,930 --> 01:21:34,682
I always got your back.
1574
01:21:35,682 --> 01:21:37,730
Time to get our jobs back.
1575
01:21:40,062 --> 01:21:41,359
Let's get ready for prom.
1576
01:21:56,328 --> 01:21:58,547
Schmidty! Chore time!
1577
01:21:58,664 --> 01:22:00,962
Mom, we don't have time
for chores right now!
1578
01:22:01,041 --> 01:22:04,887
If you stay in this house,
you have time for chores!
1579
01:22:04,962 --> 01:22:06,259
Mom!
1580
01:22:21,979 --> 01:22:23,822
Fuck this thing.
1581
01:22:29,403 --> 01:22:30,575
Here.
1582
01:22:30,696 --> 01:22:32,744
It'll be quicker if I help.
1583
01:22:34,908 --> 01:22:36,000
There you go.
1584
01:22:37,578 --> 01:22:38,830
Thanks.
1585
01:22:44,877 --> 01:22:47,096
Your shotgun's hanging too low.
1586
01:22:47,171 --> 01:22:48,798
They're gonna see it.
1587
01:22:52,050 --> 01:22:53,222
Thanks.
1588
01:23:00,851 --> 01:23:02,319
Jenko...
1589
01:23:07,733 --> 01:23:09,861
Will you go to prom with me?
1590
01:23:14,031 --> 01:23:15,374
I guess.
1591
01:23:17,576 --> 01:23:21,206
Are we really going to take down
a whole drug operation by ourselves?
1592
01:23:23,415 --> 01:23:26,134
I got some contacts that'll help us.
1593
01:24:07,876 --> 01:24:10,220
Brad, what are you doing here?
You can't be here.
1594
01:24:10,295 --> 01:24:11,387
What if the principal sees you?
1595
01:24:11,463 --> 01:24:13,682
- This is wrong, yet so right.
- What?
1596
01:24:13,799 --> 01:24:16,052
I am so happy you're willing
to get in trouble for me.
1597
01:24:16,134 --> 01:24:18,683
You have to go. Please, don't leave me ever.
1598
01:24:18,804 --> 01:24:20,021
Ms. Griggs, stop. Stop.
1599
01:24:20,097 --> 01:24:21,474
- Stay! Stay.
- Stop.
1600
01:24:21,598 --> 01:24:23,225
- What?
- Stay.
1601
01:24:23,600 --> 01:24:24,601
- Go!
"Okay
1602
01:24:24,685 --> 01:24:25,937
- Stay.
- Stop. Stop-
1603
01:24:26,019 --> 01:24:27,737
- I'm lost without you.
- What?
1604
01:24:29,314 --> 01:24:30,816
Get out of me. I'm going to throw up.
1605
01:24:31,483 --> 01:24:33,110
You are so hot!
1606
01:24:35,028 --> 01:24:36,120
All right.
1607
01:24:41,702 --> 01:24:43,249
Hey, pumpkin head.
1608
01:24:43,328 --> 01:24:45,672
I'm very mad at you. Dance with me.
1609
01:24:45,747 --> 01:24:47,715
- Are you on that shit?
- So what if I am?
1610
01:24:47,833 --> 01:24:50,757
Look, Molly, some serious stuff
is about to go down,
1611
01:24:50,836 --> 01:24:53,055
and I don't want you to get hurt.
1612
01:24:53,130 --> 01:24:55,553
I've already been hurt, Doug. I don't care.
1613
01:24:55,674 --> 01:24:59,599
You need to leave. You need to leave.
You need to get out of here right now.
1614
01:24:59,678 --> 01:25:01,430
Making a lot of hand gestures!
1615
01:25:03,098 --> 01:25:04,224
Okay, my name's not Doug.
1616
01:25:04,308 --> 01:25:05,605
- It's Schmidt.
- What?
1617
01:25:05,684 --> 01:25:07,277
- And I'm a cop.
- What?
1618
01:25:07,352 --> 01:25:11,073
Okay, and I care about you,
and I don't want you to get busted,
1619
01:25:11,148 --> 01:25:13,276
so you have to leave right now.
1620
01:25:13,358 --> 01:25:15,031
Leave the prom right now, Molly.
1621
01:25:15,110 --> 01:25:16,612
- I'm serious.
- Hey. Hey.
1622
01:25:16,695 --> 01:25:17,992
Penthouse now. Supplier's waiting.
1623
01:25:18,071 --> 01:25:19,288
- What are you?
- Come on. Hey, come on.
1624
01:25:19,364 --> 01:25:20,866
- Supplier's waiting.
- Is that Eric?
1625
01:25:20,949 --> 01:25:22,997
- Molly, leave right now.
- What are you...
1626
01:25:23,076 --> 01:25:25,499
- Just leave right now!
- What is this?
1627
01:25:39,718 --> 01:25:40,810
Mr. Walters?
1628
01:25:41,678 --> 01:25:42,679
Hey!
1629
01:25:42,763 --> 01:25:45,266
Beautiful Brad, and his brother.
1630
01:25:45,349 --> 01:25:46,692
Wow. You look great.
1631
01:25:46,767 --> 01:25:48,269
You're the supplier? You're a teacher.
1632
01:25:48,352 --> 01:25:49,979
And I was stuck on a teacher's salary, bro.
1633
01:25:50,062 --> 01:25:52,565
Could barely pay my alimony.
What are you gonna do?
1634
01:25:53,565 --> 01:25:54,566
Oh, yeah.
1635
01:25:54,691 --> 01:25:56,489
You boys are so good at this.
1636
01:25:56,568 --> 01:25:58,161
Oh, yeah, Cinnamon!
1637
01:25:58,236 --> 01:26:00,830
Oh, my God,
we're getting such good evidence.
1638
01:26:00,906 --> 01:26:02,658
I stole some of that Bunsen burner crap
1639
01:26:02,741 --> 01:26:05,039
from the chem lab,
threw in some of my Cool Deets,
1640
01:26:05,118 --> 01:26:07,086
and it was muy deliciosol
1641
01:26:07,162 --> 01:26:09,415
Then one day I catch
Eco Butt-munch over here
1642
01:26:09,498 --> 01:26:11,250
smoking a J.J. behind the field house,
1643
01:26:11,333 --> 01:26:13,210
and I'm like,
"Hey, you want to make some coin?"
1644
01:26:13,293 --> 01:26:15,261
What a green penis that guy is, huh?
1645
01:26:17,130 --> 01:26:18,302
There's my quesadilla.
1646
01:26:19,758 --> 01:26:21,431
I hurt my hands!
1647
01:26:22,427 --> 01:26:23,428
Bitch.
1648
01:26:30,769 --> 01:26:31,941
Oh, shit.
1649
01:26:32,020 --> 01:26:34,364
You guys look crazy scary.
1650
01:26:34,439 --> 01:26:35,531
How many of you are there?
1651
01:26:35,816 --> 01:26:36,863
A lot.
1652
01:26:36,942 --> 01:26:38,114
Karl.
1653
01:26:38,610 --> 01:26:39,862
Patch looks pimp, man.
1654
01:26:40,445 --> 01:26:41,788
Thank you.
1655
01:26:42,531 --> 01:26:44,033
He's gonna recognize us, man.
1656
01:26:44,116 --> 01:26:45,584
I'm freaking out.
1657
01:26:45,659 --> 01:26:47,286
This is Walters, he made the stuff.
1658
01:26:47,744 --> 01:26:49,872
- Real pleasure to meet you.
- Fuck what his name is.
1659
01:26:49,955 --> 01:26:51,207
Your shit's good.
1660
01:26:51,289 --> 01:26:53,257
Thank you.
That means a lot coming from you.
1661
01:26:53,333 --> 01:26:54,550
What, you having a party now?
1662
01:26:54,626 --> 01:26:56,469
Who are these two motherfuckers?
1663
01:26:56,545 --> 01:26:57,546
Fuck!
1664
01:26:59,339 --> 01:27:01,182
- Hey.
- Hey. How's it going?
1665
01:27:02,175 --> 01:27:04,018
Nah, nah, it's cool, man,
they're my boys, so...
1666
01:27:04,469 --> 01:27:05,470
- Are they?
- Yeah.
1667
01:27:05,595 --> 01:27:06,972
I don't like strangers.
1668
01:27:07,264 --> 01:27:09,983
How do you ever expect
to make any new friends with that attitude?
1669
01:27:10,058 --> 01:27:12,902
It's, like, everyone's a stranger
till you give them a chance, man.
1670
01:27:12,978 --> 01:27:14,400
What the fuck are you talking about?
1671
01:27:14,479 --> 01:27:15,480
I don't even...
1672
01:27:15,564 --> 01:27:17,157
Just fuckin' around.
1673
01:27:17,607 --> 01:27:19,200
Do your thing, man. Proceed
1674
01:27:21,194 --> 01:27:22,491
Hey, kid, come here.
1675
01:27:22,612 --> 01:27:24,660
You, you look familiar.
1676
01:27:25,365 --> 01:27:26,662
- Me?
- Yeah.
1677
01:27:27,576 --> 01:27:31,171
I was in a French fry commercial
when I was a kid,
1678
01:27:31,246 --> 01:27:33,624
so people are like, you know, often say,
"Oh, I think I know you,"
1679
01:27:33,707 --> 01:27:35,835
but I don't think we've ever met before.
1680
01:27:35,917 --> 01:27:38,136
Do I look like I eat French fries?
1681
01:27:38,211 --> 01:27:40,259
I don't know, you look like
you're in great shape,
1682
01:27:40,338 --> 01:27:44,639
but maybe you have, like, one cheat day,
like a carb blowout, you know'? I don't know.
1683
01:27:44,718 --> 01:27:45,890
Nah.
1684
01:27:46,011 --> 01:27:47,388
Yeah, the theme song was, like...
1685
01:27:48,346 --> 01:27:52,692
Come to Andrew's French Fry Emporium
1686
01:27:53,310 --> 01:27:56,063
Where friendship and French fries
1687
01:27:56,146 --> 01:27:58,615
Go hand in hand
1688
01:28:02,611 --> 01:28:04,033
That's my quesadilla!
1689
01:28:04,112 --> 01:28:05,238
Who wants a piece? Huh?
1690
01:28:05,322 --> 01:28:07,165
I know you're in there, Doug,
or whatever your name is!
1691
01:28:07,240 --> 01:28:08,287
You lied to me!
1692
01:28:10,619 --> 01:28:13,873
I'm gonna kill you, you stupid fucking cop!
1693
01:28:13,955 --> 01:28:16,708
Hey, you guys, shejust called me
a stupid fucking cock. That's rude.
1694
01:28:16,833 --> 01:28:19,211
Dickhead narc motherfucker!
1695
01:28:19,294 --> 01:28:22,218
Did shejust say
"nickhead dark motherfucker"?
1696
01:28:22,297 --> 01:28:23,640
That's just racist.
1697
01:28:23,715 --> 01:28:25,183
I know these two.
1698
01:28:25,258 --> 01:28:26,931
Your boys are cops! They're cops!
1699
01:28:27,052 --> 01:28:28,224
Police! Get on the ground!
1700
01:28:28,303 --> 01:28:30,226
You get on the fuckin' ground!
1701
01:28:30,305 --> 01:28:32,273
- We asked you first!
- I don't give a damn!
1702
01:28:32,349 --> 01:28:34,022
You're fucking cops?
1703
01:28:34,100 --> 01:28:35,943
But we partied together, man.
1704
01:28:36,770 --> 01:28:38,568
You bought us Taco Bell.
1705
01:28:38,688 --> 01:28:40,986
Eric, honestly, that was a sincere gesture.
1706
01:28:41,066 --> 01:28:42,568
You made me this friendship bracelet.
1707
01:28:42,692 --> 01:28:45,491
Well, he's not really your friend.
He was pretending the whole time.
1708
01:28:45,570 --> 01:28:47,572
I'm gonna cut this the fuck off later, all right?
1709
01:28:48,448 --> 01:28:50,576
What the fuck is going on?
1710
01:28:50,659 --> 01:28:52,286
Shut this kid up!
1711
01:28:53,870 --> 01:28:55,463
- Him, too.
- No, no! Hey, wait!
1712
01:28:55,539 --> 01:28:56,711
No, no, no. Listen, I'm with you guys!
1713
01:28:56,790 --> 01:28:57,916
I didn't know these guys were cops!
1714
01:28:57,999 --> 01:28:59,251
I'm getting out of here.
1715
01:28:59,334 --> 01:29:00,756
I fucking hate you!
1716
01:29:00,877 --> 01:29:02,094
Get that out of my face!
1717
01:29:02,170 --> 01:29:04,093
- Molly!
- Oh, there you are!
1718
01:29:05,173 --> 01:29:06,174
What the fuck!
1719
01:29:06,258 --> 01:29:08,727
Drop your guns, or I'll spray her brains
all over the room!
1720
01:29:08,802 --> 01:29:11,180
Trying to take a hostage,
some goddamn TV show shit?
1721
01:29:11,263 --> 01:29:14,312
I don't know! I'm trying to help, all right?
I've never done this shit before.
1722
01:29:14,391 --> 01:29:15,438
Well, you're fucking up.
1723
01:29:15,517 --> 01:29:18,191
- Drop the guns or she's dead!
- She looks dead already.
1724
01:29:18,562 --> 01:29:19,814
What? No.
1725
01:29:20,522 --> 01:29:21,523
Jesus.
1726
01:29:22,482 --> 01:29:24,029
Yeah, I can hear her breathing.
1727
01:29:24,109 --> 01:29:26,328
She just passed out from the drugs.
We're good.
1728
01:29:26,403 --> 01:29:27,495
Drop the guns or...
1729
01:29:27,571 --> 01:29:29,164
All right, all right, just chill out.
1730
01:29:29,239 --> 01:29:30,957
We're gonna drop our guns.
1731
01:29:31,032 --> 01:29:34,206
You got to let the kids go,
and no one's gonna die, okay?
1732
01:29:34,286 --> 01:29:36,380
Just drop the guns, and kick them over here.
1733
01:29:37,706 --> 01:29:40,084
D.B., shoot these motherfuckers.
1734
01:29:40,166 --> 01:29:42,544
Oh, come on, that's unfair!
We put our guns down in good faith.
1735
01:29:42,627 --> 01:29:44,300
You're a liar, and you're mean!
1736
01:29:45,046 --> 01:29:46,889
- That's unfair.
- We're all friends here.
1737
01:29:47,215 --> 01:29:49,343
Let's just relax, and we can
all leave here as friends.
1738
01:29:49,426 --> 01:29:51,724
- Yeah, let's do that.
- Y'all boys are stupid.
1739
01:29:52,178 --> 01:29:55,432
Oh, my God, we're gonna die.
We're gonna die.
1740
01:29:56,141 --> 01:29:57,267
God damn it!
1741
01:29:57,601 --> 01:29:59,478
Tom Hanson, DEA! On your knees!
1742
01:29:59,561 --> 01:30:00,608
What the fuck?
1743
01:30:00,687 --> 01:30:02,564
- Now!
- Fuck!
1744
01:30:02,647 --> 01:30:04,741
Doug Penhall, DEA! You're under arrest!
1745
01:30:04,816 --> 01:30:06,944
Guns down, all of you! Domingo, tell them!
1746
01:30:07,235 --> 01:30:09,829
Put them down.
1747
01:30:09,946 --> 01:30:11,448
Nice! Yes!
1748
01:30:11,865 --> 01:30:13,538
Shut the fuck up!
1749
01:30:14,242 --> 01:30:16,870
You little dweebs just ruined
a five-year investigation.
1750
01:30:16,953 --> 01:30:18,079
We had no idea.
1751
01:30:18,163 --> 01:30:19,540
You're, like, an amazing actor, man.
1752
01:30:19,789 --> 01:30:22,133
You played saxophone
at my sister's wedding, man!
1753
01:30:22,208 --> 01:30:23,710
Tough titty. I fucked her, too.
1754
01:30:24,044 --> 01:30:25,216
What?
1755
01:30:25,295 --> 01:30:26,592
You little turds.
1756
01:30:26,671 --> 01:30:29,470
Do you have any idea how difficult it is
to infiltrate a gang like this?
1757
01:30:32,844 --> 01:30:34,221
Do you see this nose?
1758
01:30:34,554 --> 01:30:35,897
That is a fake nose.
1759
01:30:36,014 --> 01:30:37,937
Do you want to wear a fake nose
on your fuckin' head
1760
01:30:38,016 --> 01:30:39,859
for, like, months on end'? Glue and shit?
1761
01:30:41,019 --> 01:30:42,271
Worse things in the world.
1762
01:30:42,354 --> 01:30:44,607
We had to get fuckin' tattoos
on our dicks, man.
1763
01:30:44,689 --> 01:30:46,566
Hey, actually, I just said that
1764
01:30:46,650 --> 01:30:48,323
-to mess with you.
- What?
1765
01:30:48,401 --> 01:30:49,778
Looks tough.
1766
01:30:49,861 --> 01:30:52,535
Look, we know what
it's like being undercover.
1767
01:30:52,614 --> 01:30:53,831
Metro Police, Jump Street Division.
1768
01:30:53,907 --> 01:30:54,999
Come on, you guys are Jump Street?
1769
01:30:55,075 --> 01:30:56,122
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
1770
01:30:56,201 --> 01:30:58,169
That's funny, because
we were actually Jump Street.
1771
01:30:58,244 --> 01:30:59,712
- What?
- Yeah. Oh, yeah.
1772
01:31:00,246 --> 01:31:01,293
Oh, shit!
1773
01:31:01,373 --> 01:31:03,216
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, shit.
1774
01:31:03,291 --> 01:31:04,292
Oh, my God, dude!
1775
01:31:04,376 --> 01:31:05,628
Get them!
1776
01:31:05,710 --> 01:31:07,337
Motherfucker!
1777
01:31:09,506 --> 01:31:10,883
Shoot them!
1778
01:31:12,300 --> 01:31:13,301
Fuck that.
1779
01:31:24,729 --> 01:31:25,730
That was a gun.
1780
01:31:25,855 --> 01:31:27,072
Somebody definitely got shot.
1781
01:31:31,069 --> 01:31:32,070
All right.
1782
01:31:33,113 --> 01:31:35,582
Here, take the money, all right?
We're getting out of here.
1783
01:31:45,208 --> 01:31:46,209
Did I hit anything?
1784
01:31:46,501 --> 01:31:47,923
You were shooting at the fuckin' ceiling.
1785
01:31:48,878 --> 01:31:49,970
Doug.
1786
01:31:51,047 --> 01:31:53,971
I know sometimes I was a jerk to you
1787
01:31:54,551 --> 01:31:55,973
when we were undercover.
1788
01:32:01,307 --> 01:32:04,277
It's just... I didn't feel good about myself.
1789
01:32:04,978 --> 01:32:10,109
All that stuff I wore, like the bracelets,
the rings, the tight pants,
1790
01:32:11,568 --> 01:32:12,865
was just so
1791
01:32:12,944 --> 01:32:15,367
that people would think I'm cool.
1792
01:32:16,114 --> 01:32:17,536
The only approval
1793
01:32:18,616 --> 01:32:20,334
that I ever needed
1794
01:32:22,579 --> 01:32:23,671
was my best friend.
1795
01:32:24,205 --> 01:32:25,957
Thanks, man.
1796
01:32:44,976 --> 01:32:46,569
The money's gone!
1797
01:32:46,644 --> 01:32:48,021
Come on, let's roll.
1798
01:32:48,146 --> 01:32:49,443
We gotta get out of here, man.
1799
01:32:49,522 --> 01:32:50,774
Are you telling me it's on?
1800
01:32:51,232 --> 01:32:52,984
- Let's do this.
- Let's make a baby.
1801
01:32:53,359 --> 01:32:54,827
- What? What are you talking about?
- I don't know.
1802
01:32:54,944 --> 01:32:56,491
I was trying to sound cool. Sorry.
1803
01:33:47,664 --> 01:33:50,417
That was crazy! You killed a guy!
1804
01:33:51,459 --> 01:33:53,211
Oh, fuckin' shit!
1805
01:33:55,171 --> 01:33:57,014
Hey, hey, we'll lose them in the prom! Go!
1806
01:34:18,403 --> 01:34:19,575
Go, go: go'
1807
01:34:21,698 --> 01:34:22,870
Where'd they go?
1808
01:34:25,410 --> 01:34:26,411
Molly!
1809
01:34:31,457 --> 01:34:32,504
Shit!
1810
01:34:36,504 --> 01:34:38,006
- You want to drive?
- Yeah, I do, actually
1811
01:34:38,089 --> 01:34:39,261
Okay, cool.
1812
01:34:40,300 --> 01:34:42,428
- Nice!
- Did it look cool when I did it?
1813
01:34:42,510 --> 01:34:44,433
- That's what I'm talking about!
- Yeah!
1814
01:34:46,931 --> 01:34:48,558
How you guys doing back there, huh?
1815
01:34:48,725 --> 01:34:50,102
God, I love high school!
1816
01:34:50,268 --> 01:34:51,440
Best prom night ever!
1817
01:34:57,150 --> 01:34:58,777
- Shoot them!
- Stay on them!
1818
01:34:59,027 --> 01:35:00,620
I'm on them! I'm on them!
1819
01:35:00,695 --> 01:35:03,244
Oh, good, you guys,
come hang out with me back here.
1820
01:35:03,323 --> 01:35:05,746
- Oh, fuck, dude. Lisa, what are you doing?
- Did she pass out back there?
1821
01:35:09,871 --> 01:35:12,169
Hey, you got a gun.
Why don't you shoot back there?
1822
01:35:12,290 --> 01:35:13,758
Shoot that gun, shoot that gun!
1823
01:35:13,833 --> 01:35:15,176
All right, one second!
1824
01:35:15,293 --> 01:35:16,545
Just shoot someone, you bitch!
1825
01:35:19,047 --> 01:35:20,299
Peek-a-boo!
1826
01:35:20,465 --> 01:35:21,637
Give me my money!
1827
01:35:22,508 --> 01:35:24,681
Fuck that! Fuck that! No! No!
1828
01:35:24,761 --> 01:35:27,389
I can't do this!
I'm supposed to go to Berkeley!
1829
01:35:28,890 --> 01:35:29,982
I'm gonna get the party started!
1830
01:35:30,141 --> 01:35:31,563
- I'm gonna get the party started!
- No! No! Lisa, no!
1831
01:35:31,643 --> 01:35:34,772
Hey, I'm living my dream
of standing in a limo!
1832
01:35:34,854 --> 01:35:35,980
What?
1833
01:35:38,566 --> 01:35:40,159
- You're killing my dream!
- Come in.
1834
01:35:40,318 --> 01:35:41,365
- What? I'm trying to party.
- Down!
1835
01:35:41,611 --> 01:35:42,658
Bitch!
1836
01:35:44,155 --> 01:35:46,078
What? Fuck!
1837
01:35:46,157 --> 01:35:47,500
I'll kill you!
1838
01:35:47,700 --> 01:35:48,701
Kill you!
1839
01:35:49,786 --> 01:35:51,584
- No! No!
- Stay where you are.
1840
01:35:51,788 --> 01:35:52,835
Go! Go, go!
1841
01:35:56,292 --> 01:35:57,635
No! Stop!
1842
01:35:57,710 --> 01:35:59,929
I'm not fucking kidding!
Look, I'm trying to shoot people!
1843
01:36:00,004 --> 01:36:01,347
Will you stop! Just for two seconds!
1844
01:36:01,422 --> 01:36:03,265
You're really hot and you're really slutty
and it's awesome,
1845
01:36:03,341 --> 01:36:04,638
but I got to shoot people right now!
1846
01:36:04,717 --> 01:36:06,139
You think I'm hot?
1847
01:36:20,608 --> 01:36:22,451
Iwanna... Oh, my God!
1848
01:36:23,444 --> 01:36:25,162
Wait, guys! Call me!
1849
01:36:25,238 --> 01:36:26,956
Let me know where you're ending up later.
1850
01:36:31,369 --> 01:36:32,791
I'm almost out of ammo.
1851
01:36:32,870 --> 01:36:33,996
We're fucked.
1852
01:36:34,956 --> 01:36:36,048
Give me my money!
1853
01:36:36,541 --> 01:36:37,713
I got an idea.
1854
01:36:37,792 --> 01:36:39,510
- You still got those shotgun shells?
- Yeah.
1855
01:36:40,295 --> 01:36:41,342
Pop Quiznos.
1856
01:36:41,838 --> 01:36:46,344
What do you get when lithium batteries
react to potassium nitrate?
1857
01:36:46,551 --> 01:36:48,974
That would be a covalent bond, brother.
1858
01:36:49,053 --> 01:36:51,556
That's when two atoms, they share electrons.
1859
01:36:51,639 --> 01:36:53,641
You see, they both need
what the other one has.
1860
01:36:53,725 --> 01:36:55,193
That makes them stick together.
1861
01:36:55,268 --> 01:36:56,520
Are you saying we're covalent bonds?
1862
01:36:57,145 --> 01:36:58,692
What? No.
1863
01:36:59,439 --> 01:37:00,816
We're not atoms, dude.
1864
01:37:18,958 --> 01:37:20,585
- What's this?
- Tequila?
1865
01:37:21,252 --> 01:37:22,845
I don't know, it was supposed to explode.
1866
01:37:23,880 --> 01:37:26,053
Oh, shit!
1867
01:37:30,928 --> 01:37:32,430
Where'd you learn how to do that, man?
1868
01:37:32,513 --> 01:37:33,765
App chemistry, bitch.
1869
01:37:39,937 --> 01:37:41,109
Come on, blondie.
1870
01:37:42,982 --> 01:37:44,029
Molly!
1871
01:37:46,819 --> 01:37:48,241
Drop your weapon!
1872
01:37:48,613 --> 01:37:49,956
Don't you fuckin' pull that arm up.
1873
01:37:50,239 --> 01:37:51,331
Don't.
1874
01:37:51,699 --> 01:37:55,044
Looks like you're out of ammo, asshole!
1875
01:37:55,286 --> 01:37:56,378
Come on! Get out here!
1876
01:37:56,454 --> 01:37:58,172
- What? What's going on?
- All right.
1877
01:37:58,247 --> 01:38:01,467
All right, here's the deal.
Nobody moves, or she's gonna get hurt.
1878
01:38:01,542 --> 01:38:03,886
Do you understand? Nobody move!
1879
01:38:03,961 --> 01:38:05,759
- All right.
- Eric, help me.
1880
01:38:06,464 --> 01:38:07,886
Don't you have a gun?
1881
01:38:08,925 --> 01:38:10,222
All right, don't move!
1882
01:38:11,135 --> 01:38:13,308
- Come on, let's go. Let's go.
- No!
1883
01:38:13,429 --> 01:38:15,648
- Hey! Hey, hey!
- Hey, no, no, I said don't move!
1884
01:38:19,602 --> 01:38:22,071
- Oh, fuck, you shot him!
- Oh, God!
1885
01:38:22,146 --> 01:38:23,272
Are you okay?
1886
01:38:23,356 --> 01:38:24,983
You shot my partner, you motherfucker!
1887
01:38:25,149 --> 01:38:27,151
I didn't mean to shoot you!
I meant to shoot him!
1888
01:38:27,276 --> 01:38:30,200
Are you alive, buddy? You okay?
You took a bullet for me, man.
1889
01:38:30,279 --> 01:38:32,702
Yeah, I'm feeling a little ambivalent
about that right now.
1890
01:38:32,782 --> 01:38:35,877
Didn't you hear me? I said don't move!
I said that! You heard, right?
1891
01:38:35,952 --> 01:38:37,078
Eric, you heard me!
1892
01:38:37,161 --> 01:38:38,504
- I said don't move!
- Eric, help me!
1893
01:38:38,579 --> 01:38:40,047
- You got this.
- Hey, hold still.
1894
01:38:47,171 --> 01:38:48,343
Freeze!
1895
01:38:48,464 --> 01:38:49,681
Shoot!
1896
01:38:52,677 --> 01:38:53,769
Come on.
1897
01:38:55,179 --> 01:38:57,398
You peaked in high school, motherfucker.
1898
01:38:59,767 --> 01:39:00,893
Oh, shit.
1899
01:39:01,144 --> 01:39:02,191
I shot him in the dick.
1900
01:39:02,270 --> 01:39:04,693
You shot me in the dick!
1901
01:39:04,814 --> 01:39:05,940
Oh, my God!
1902
01:39:06,149 --> 01:39:07,150
Yes!
1903
01:39:07,358 --> 01:39:09,110
Yes! Yes!
1904
01:39:09,318 --> 01:39:10,365
Yes!
1905
01:39:10,528 --> 01:39:12,371
You are under arrest!
1906
01:39:12,488 --> 01:39:15,958
- It definitely came out my asshole!
- You have the right to remain silent!
1907
01:39:16,033 --> 01:39:19,128
Anything you say can
and will be used against you
1908
01:39:19,203 --> 01:39:20,295
in a court of law!
1909
01:39:20,371 --> 01:39:21,873
You have the right to an attorney!
1910
01:39:21,956 --> 01:39:25,426
If you cannot afford an attorney,
one will be appointed for you!
1911
01:39:25,710 --> 01:39:28,554
Do you understand these rights
as they have been read to you?
1912
01:39:28,629 --> 01:39:30,427
Fuck you! Bitch!
1913
01:39:30,548 --> 01:39:32,221
Yes! Yes!
1914
01:39:32,508 --> 01:39:34,135
We did it, man!
1915
01:39:34,218 --> 01:39:35,310
We did it.
1916
01:39:35,386 --> 01:39:36,558
God, I feel so good.
1917
01:39:36,637 --> 01:39:38,059
We did it, man!
1918
01:39:38,890 --> 01:39:40,563
You're a goddamn rock star.
1919
01:39:42,059 --> 01:39:43,356
Do you feel that?
1920
01:39:43,436 --> 01:39:44,437
God damn, you're so cool.
1921
01:39:45,104 --> 01:39:46,321
You just shot him in the dick.
1922
01:39:46,981 --> 01:39:48,949
I've never seen that. Who does that?
1923
01:39:49,734 --> 01:39:51,407
Look, I'm sorry I called you Rain Man.
1924
01:39:51,527 --> 01:39:53,950
I know I didn't say you were,
but you're smart.
1925
01:39:54,071 --> 01:39:56,665
You're a smart guy, and you're thoughtful,
1926
01:39:56,741 --> 01:40:00,962
and you're sincere and you're sweet
and you're loyal...
1927
01:40:02,038 --> 01:40:03,790
And I fuckin' cherish you.
1928
01:40:06,751 --> 01:40:07,752
Should we high-five?
1929
01:40:13,799 --> 01:40:15,346
My hand!
1930
01:40:16,636 --> 01:40:18,354
Are you all right?
Should we get you to the hospital, man?
1931
01:40:18,429 --> 01:40:20,272
- Yeah, I think we need to call somebody.
- Hey, call somebody!
1932
01:40:20,431 --> 01:40:22,354
I got to get my dick sewn back on.
1933
01:40:22,433 --> 01:40:23,980
- You shut the fuck up.
- Hey, you shut up.
1934
01:40:24,185 --> 01:40:25,778
- That's not funny.
- Is that it?
1935
01:40:26,020 --> 01:40:27,146
What?
1936
01:40:28,648 --> 01:40:30,070
That's my dick!
1937
01:40:30,775 --> 01:40:31,822
Pick up my dick! Please!
1938
01:40:31,901 --> 01:40:33,198
No, we're not picking up your dick.
1939
01:40:33,277 --> 01:40:34,699
Fuckin' pick my dick up!
1940
01:40:37,990 --> 01:40:38,991
Oh, fuck!
1941
01:40:44,497 --> 01:40:45,669
He's my friend.
1942
01:40:46,499 --> 01:40:48,627
They don't serve vegan in jail, bitch.
1943
01:40:56,300 --> 01:40:57,517
Hey.
1944
01:40:59,095 --> 01:41:00,472
Molly...
1945
01:41:01,889 --> 01:41:02,890
I'm really sorry.
1946
01:41:04,141 --> 01:41:07,816
I know you wanted a guy to trust,
and I wanted to be that person so badly.
1947
01:41:08,854 --> 01:41:10,982
And I let you down in a lot of ways.
1948
01:41:11,649 --> 01:41:12,821
And...
1949
01:41:15,194 --> 01:41:16,867
It's good that you're mad at me.
1950
01:41:17,488 --> 01:41:20,207
I think it's good.
I think you should be mad at more guys,
1951
01:41:20,283 --> 01:41:25,335
because you deserve a guy who's good
and who doesn't lie to you.
1952
01:41:25,663 --> 01:41:28,166
And you should never settle
for less than that.
1953
01:41:28,499 --> 01:41:30,467
There are good guys out there
1954
01:41:32,336 --> 01:41:34,009
who aren't assholes like me.
1955
01:41:36,674 --> 01:41:38,597
Thanks for saving my life,
1956
01:41:38,676 --> 01:41:40,428
asshole.
1957
01:41:43,014 --> 01:41:45,016
Put her there, partner.
1958
01:41:58,362 --> 01:41:59,989
I'll come back later.
1959
01:42:04,702 --> 01:42:07,922
We're, like, in the end of Die Hard right now,
but it's our actual life.
1960
01:42:08,247 --> 01:42:09,294
It's crazy.
1961
01:42:09,373 --> 01:42:11,717
- Number one or two?
- Three.
1962
01:42:12,543 --> 01:42:14,386
- Sam Jackson one. Yeah!
- Sam Jackson style.
1963
01:42:16,005 --> 01:42:19,179
Boom, motherfuckers!
What's going on'? Come on!
1964
01:42:24,013 --> 01:42:25,560
Where is he? There's my guy!
1965
01:42:25,681 --> 01:42:28,025
There he is! That's him. That's him.
1966
01:42:28,392 --> 01:42:29,393
- Enough.
- Too long on the hug.
1967
01:42:29,894 --> 01:42:33,694
Congratulations, you crazy,
sick, vigilante motherfuckers.
1968
01:42:33,773 --> 01:42:35,525
You got your first arrest, huh?
1969
01:42:36,525 --> 01:42:38,493
- Look. Got something made for you.
- You didn't!
1970
01:42:38,569 --> 01:42:40,788
- Come on. All right, all right.
- Enough. Enough.
1971
01:42:40,946 --> 01:42:42,243
New assignment.
1972
01:42:42,698 --> 01:42:45,372
Since you two cowboys love to drink booze,
1973
01:42:45,618 --> 01:42:49,668
smoke weed with kids, and fuck
anything with a big ass in jeans
1974
01:42:49,747 --> 01:42:51,090
with low self-esteem,
1975
01:42:51,165 --> 01:42:55,136
I'm gonna send you to a place
where all that shit is allowed.
1976
01:42:55,211 --> 01:42:56,428
Oh, I love Disneyland!
1977
01:42:56,754 --> 01:42:59,849
You two sons of bitches
are going to college!
1978
01:42:59,924 --> 01:43:01,551
"Yes!
- No!
1979
01:43:42,800 --> 01:43:43,801
Boo-yah!
1980
01:44:20,629 --> 01:44:22,677
Oh, my God!
You're like two Hardy Boys in one!
1981
01:44:37,521 --> 01:44:38,522
Oh, fuck!
1982
01:46:28,173 --> 01:46:29,425
Hey, why are you here, Scott?
1983
01:46:29,508 --> 01:46:31,977
What, Kennedy High
isn't having any parties tonight?
1984
00:00:10,506 --> 00:00:50,883
ripped by genrules for subscene
njoyyyyy..........!

21 Jump Street 2012

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21 Jump Street 2012

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