Why did you choose your proposed course and institution*

Apart from having a Bachelor Degree in Petroleum Engineering, the reason I would like to
study Master's in Petroleum Engineering is because I am concerned about the condition of
oil and gas production in Indonesia. While having 3 billion barrel of oil reserves in 2013,
Indonesia is still struggling to produce sufficient amount of oil to cover the national oil
demand which is more than 1 million barrel per year. Indonesia can only produce
approximately 0.8 million barrel annually. Thus, Indonesia is always forced to import the oil
and the need of importing oil has increased in the past recent years as a result of economic
growth.

I can observe that Indonesia is having a great potential of oil production. Somehow, the
country is still lack of advanced technology that can allow better production, which are both
optimized amount of oil produced and less total cost required. By taking Master's of
Engineering Science in Petroleum, I would like to study how Indonesia can have the
advanced technology required in order to produce oil and gas more effectively and
efficiently. Once the country can produce oil and gas with improved amount and less cost
spent, due to the advanced technology that will have been used, there will be significant
increase in the economic growth in Indonesia.

In terms of choosing the institution, I had gained information of higher institutions in

Australia by visiting an Australia education fair in Jakarta. Through that event, I was
informed that institutions that offer Petroleum Engineering for Masters Degree were
University of New South Wales (UNSW), University of Queensland (UQ) and University of
Adelaide. Somehow, University of Adelaide is offered for people who do not have Petroleum
Engineering background.

I also performed research in the internet about the course of Petroleum Engineering offered
by these two universities, the requirements to apply and other important information. Based
on QS World University Rankings, both UNSW and UQ are among the top 50 universities in
the world. At which engineering is one of the best faculties in both universities. Moreover,
after studying the course guidelines that I obtained from the internet, I felt quite confident
about my choice of institutions. Because the subjects offered are specifically relevant for my
background of study as well as my future goals as a petroleum engineer. That is why I
prefer to study Masters of Petroleum Engineering either at the University of New South
Wales or the University of Queensland.

PROOFREAD
t is a pleasure to be working with you today. Reading your essay was quite motivating. I like
the fact that you want to continue your studies to impact your country as a whole.

Although I like your essay, I feel like it's divided in two parts: The reason why you chose this
degree and school. What I would recommend is uniting both answers together. For
example, in your thesis statement, which is at the end of the first paragraph, write why you
chose this degree and about the school you chose. This will help the reader a lot.

I have an example thesis here: "I want to impact the world by developing technologies that
will enhance Indonesia's oil production, and University of Queensland will allow me to
accomplish that goal. " Do you see how you have both answers in this thesis statement?
What will follow are the two paragraphs, which you already have.

Now, I have a comment on the reasons you chose the school/s. Personally, your reasons
are too vague. Anyone could have written your same answer. I would like you to spend
some time to do research on both of these schools that you chose. What kind of program do
they offer that will allow you to finish your career as a Petroleum Engineer? What do both of
these schools have that appeals to you? Are the schools making an impact in any way?
Think of reasons why you chose both of these schools. It will strengthen your essay even
more.

As a final thought, I want to add the importance of a final and concluding

paragraph/sentence. Do not leave your essay open like you did on this essay. Instead, write
something unique or what you hope to learn or accomplish. Tie your ideas back together so
the reader has an understanding of who you are.

I hope I was able to help. :-)

Why did you choose your proposed course and institution*

CHOOSING THE BUSINESS INFORMATION SYSTEM

I'm applying master's program in Information System focusing in Business Information

System for several reasons :
1.I was graduate from Institute Technology Telkom, majoring Informatics Engineering. This
major has prepared me with a strong grounding in Information Technology and theoretical
aspects of analyzing system.

2.My previous employment was a database engineer which has equipped me with a good
skill in database particularly in Relational Database Management System and query
concept. This also make me familiar with some databases software such as MySql, SQL
Server and PostgreSQL.

3.My current employment is in Ministry of Foreign Affairs Republic of Indonesia as IT staff.

My responsibility is to develop web applications based on request from other departments. I
evolve my skill in programming and analyzing system. Truthfully, it need more of hard work
than before because there's no strong IT policy or SOP when user requesting web
applications. We don't have any filter for reject the request, therefore there're too many
short term use applications that waste the storage.

To sum up, choosing Business Information System will be beneficial because I have strong
foundation of theoretical and practical knowledge. I have a high interest in improving IT
planning and IT policy to solve organisational information problems. I also want to learn a lot
about interrelationships between people, information and technology related to government
organization which can contribute in developing myself to reach my future goal.

I choose Monash University and Queensland University of Technology (QUT) as my desire

university. Monash University is ranked as one of the world's top 100 universities. While
QUT is one of the best computer science's universities in Australia and has been
internationally recognised for its high performance in research, employability, teaching and
infrastructure.
PROOFREADING
Mizana, kindly post the prompt of your essay as it is difficult to offer a plausible review of
your current write-up without any information as regards the prompt. Having said that, I will
now give a general review of your current post. Your current draft does not look like an
essay meant for master's program in any capacity. It failed the 5 paragraph write-up typical
of general essays as there is just one paragraph in what you posted. Essays are not written
in bullet points, they are drafted in paragraphs. I advise that you check other reviewed
essays in this forum before making a new draft. I hope it will guide you on how to write a
paragraphed essay. Also, post the prompt of your essay alongside your new draft. That
way, I would be able to give your work the required attention. Unfortunately, I cannot
continue to advise you on this thread as you have exhausted your free advise for this
thread. Create an 'Urgent' thread for further advise on your new draft.

LINGUISTIC REPUTATION

I am applying Master of Arts Linguistics in Australia because I join the project of

development bahasa Indonesia to become an international language. As a delegation
bahasa Indonesia for second learner teacher from Center for Language Strategy and
Diplomacy Development (PPSDK) under the Ministry of Education and Culture Republic of
Indonesia, the government demand an expert to face the challenge language planning and
development outside Indonesia, especially in the language teaching and language learning.

First, I choose Master of Arts Linguistics in Australia because it is linear with my bachelor
degree and my current job. My bachelor focused on linguistics that will support my future
course that need prerequisite knowledge about basic linguistics. Moreover, my career as a
bahasa Indonesia for second learner teacher is relevant with my bachelor degree so that it
makes my linearity to the proposed course match one another.

Second, both of my occupation and my degree will support the government program to
promoting bahasa Indonesia around the world especially in ASEAN country. Promoting
bahasa Indonesia is not only about teaching but also macro linguistics aspect such as
language and society to know social condition on the teaching country target so that makes
teaching adapt with local nuance.

All that mentioned before are the reasons I proposed course Master of Arts Linguistics in
Australia. Then, I decide two best university about that M. A. degree. The first one is ANU
that have a strong research about language society in Asia Pacific. Even it has a research
center about language and social studies so I can join its summer course to broaden my
language in social context. The second option is AU. AU has an area specialization that will
equip me with the specific course such as language teaching and language learning and
Linguistics Functional Systemic in Education. The most important about courses are
Australia has highly reputable in linguistics which fit my future career needs at Center for
Language Strategy and Diplomacy Development.
PROOFREADING
Muhammad, I can see that you placed great effort in developing this essay response. It has
some right ideas, expressed in a difficult and non-understandable manner that prevents the
reviewer from actually understanding what you wish to say. The essay requires more than
just a review. It requires proper grammatical editing and revision in order to clarify the points
you are trying to make. The improperly developed paragraphs and sentences cause undue
stress on the part of the reviewer. Since I am only limited to giving you 2 free advice
regarding editing and revisions, that number of advice will not be enough for the required
series of revisions that needs to be addressed so that the essay can be usable. I strongly
urge you to consider clicking on our Services link, where you can choose my name from the
list so that I can personally edit and revise the content of this paper for you to make it ready
for submission.

MASTER OF PROTECTED AREA MANAGEMENT IN JAMES COOK

UNIVERSITY

Firstly, I look at the correlation to my responsibilities as analyst of marine protected area

(MPA) at Department of Marine and Fisheries (DMF) of NTB Province. My current role is
design and planning program for developing marine protected area (MPA) in NTB Province
including collecting, surveying, managing and processing data and statistic of marine
natural resources.

Secondly, there is many problems occurred inside the MPA, such as destructive fishing,
tourism unsustainability effect, climate change, overlapping interest, massive and destruct
development. The impact of these problems causes destruction of marine ecosystem in
MPA. This problem would be also a constraint for Indonesia to adopt set goals in
Sustainable Development Goals (SDGs), especially "life below water goal". To overcome
these problems, NTB Province needs a better and innovative MPA management which
integrated with multi stakeholders. I have discussed with my head department about this
problem also he encouraged and supported to me to develop MPA in NTB Province. That is
my reason to choose Master of Protected Area Management in James Cook University
(JCU) to improve the capacity and capability of the DMF of NTB.

Moreover, I have visited JCU campus to explore about protected area management course
when I attended short course in Queensland. JCU offer various subjects which can be
contributed to link and enrich the connection of climate change issues and natural
resources destruction issues. JCU offers relevant subjects to my needs such as
Management of MPA, Marine Conservation Biology, Biodiversity and Climate Change, also
Managing Coastal and Marine Environment. Subjects offered in this course are very critical
to learn in order to be knowledgeable about various contexts of conservation. Moreover,
JCU also have the best facilities and experts in the MPA, especially in the tropical water

Dear fajar,
personally, I think your essay is great. You explain the reason very specific and connect the
future study with your background.
my only advice is, don't use abbreviation without explaining the full name first. For instance,
what is NTB stands for?

have a look on my essay too!

Fajar, in my opinion, the first paragraph of your essay should be reserved to open the essay
response about how your course of study will improve your career opportunities. That is a
solid description of your career and the background of your job which can directly relate to
that particular prompt. It is wasted in this particular essay because it doesn't really offer a
solid connection to the prompt requirement. This prompt focuses more on the problem
areas of your job rather than your professional background. As for the second paragraph.
The first part of the response is very strong. However, the part about the facilities and
experts sounds too common. My advice, is to skip that sentence and just keep the previous
sections of the paragraph intact. That revision will help you to close the essay on a strong
note. You have written a pretty good essay that only needs minor tweaks. These
suggestions should help to create the final version of the paper.
MY ROLE AS AN EDUCATOR

Graduated from English literature has improved my English skills and gain knowledge both
in literature and linguistics. In fact, these knowledge and skills are applied during my role as
an educator for young learners. For instance, courses like drama and poetry are highly
implemented in my current workplace since early years children need role play as it will
stimulate their imagination and enhance their social development.

For the last one year being an educator, early childhood setting has been familiar for me
and it has encouraged me to pursue a higher degree in teaching field specifically early
years education. From several universities that offer this certain major, there are three
universities in Australia which offer the Master of Teaching Early Childhood focusing on age
birth to five years. The decision to focus on learners aged birth to five years is because
these ages are very crucial to stimulate their learning and skill developments. From several
universities, Monash University is one which offering the Master of Teaching Early
Childhood focused on these ages. This leading university has a remarkable reputation in
the world and becoming top ranked university in the field of education.

Another consideration is the professional recognition, it has been approved by the

Australian Children's Education and Care Quality Authority (ACECQA) as early childhood
teaching qualification which will support me to get a qualification to work as a teacher in
preschools and childcare centers. In fact, from the perspective of their program structure,
the learning units that Monash University offers meet my needs as an applicant. Aside from
several learning units such as literacy, numeracy, science and so forth, there are learning
units such as Curriculum, assessment and reporting; Play and pedagogy; Leading local,
rural, and regional learning and participation which will be very beneficial to support my
career in the future. It also offers 60 days of professional experience in different range of
(each of them will be undertaken for 15 days every semester).
PROOFREAD
Laksmi, you have to write a totally new essay. In the new essay, just answer the question
posed before you. Explain in greater detail about the personal and professional reasons that
you chose to focus on Early Childhood Education. Specifically, focus on the reasons why
you chose this masters degree course. The prompt is not asking for your decision to study
your college degree. That is irrelevant. The proposed course is the masters course you wish
to attend as a scholar and the institution is the Australian university that focuses on the
course of your choice and the reasons for your choice based upon your learning
expectations and professional improvement goals. The current essay that you wrote doesn't
really highlight these discussions, which are more important than the background of your
college course. You seem to have misunderstood the prompt which is why you were not
able to draft a more proper first version essay.
Dear Holt, thank you very much for your kind suggestion. I have revised opening paragraph
of my essay and kindly need your comments..
Since I have been working with young learners for the last one year, early childhood setting
has been familiar for me and it has encouraged me to pursue a higher degree in teaching
field specifically early years education. This is simply because a master degree in early
childhood education is a requirement to support me becoming a professional educator. At
the moment, I am working as co-teacher who is responsible to handle special classes such
as cooking, gardening, music and bahasa Indonesia. In my current learning centre, it
implements the Australian Early Years Learning Framework which makes me highly
motivated to study further about early childhood education in Australia.

Furthermore, from several universities that offer this certain major, there are three
universities in Australia which ...

SOLVING INDONESIAN ISSUES

Indonesia and its neighboring countries suffered from the recently worst forest fire between
September and November 2015. From what I read on the news, a smog outbreak in
Southeast Asia in 2015 may have caused over 100,000 premature deaths. The haze is an
annual problem caused by fires set in forest and on carbon-rich peatland in Indonesia to
quickly and cheaply clear land for palm oil and pulpwood plantations. As an auditor, I have
seen myself rubber factory located deep in Sumatera forest, which later I found out, it's not
a forest but palm plantations. The fact that Indonesia is the world's biggest palm oil
producer and exporter and its industry employs nearly 5 million workers, is what I believe as
the main cause of annual forest fire. The root of the problem is the practice of forest
clearance known as slash and burn, where land is set on fire as a cheaper way to clear it for
new planting. No to be mention that the fires are caused by the "collective negligence" of
companies, smallholders and government (which isn't investing sufficiently in preventative
measures).

Personally, it's such an eye-opening event that lead me to start caring about what is
happening in Indonesia environment, especially what is happening in Indonesia forest. Ever
since I realize how serious annual forest fire in Indonesia, I develop a passion for getting
more knowledge about how to create a sustainable economics in my country. Sustainability
looks to protect natural environment, human and ecological health, while driving innovation
and not compromising our way of life.

For those reasons, I decide to pursuit further study for sustainability coursework in master
degree. My first option is Master of Environment coursework in The University of
Melbourne. The University of Melbourne is has an outstanding reputation internationally, it's
ranked #1 in Australia and ranked #33 in world based on Times Higher Education World
University Rankings on 2016, and it's also widely known as Australia's leading
comprehensive research-intensive university. What interests me the most are their research
projects and internship opportunities for students which is great for developing skills and
knowledge that will give me an edge in a competitive employment environment. My second
option is Master of Environmental Management in The University of Queensland. Ranked in
the world's top 51, The University of Queensland is also one of Australia's leading research
and teaching institutions. Its Environmental Science is also in the world's top 30 according
QS World University Ranking. Both programs also offer various disciplines that are involved
in addressing sustainability issues which surely will help me to reach my full potential.

PROOFREAD
Meilia, when you are asked for the method by which you chose your proposed course, it
cannot be something that seems so whimsical as it is in your current essay. Instead, it must
reflect a connection to your current profession, your professional requirements for higher
study, and the benefits that you will gain in the practice of your profession upon your
graduation from this course. Your decision to enroll in the course should be more specific
than just the widening of your interest in sustainable environments, that reason does not
sound like it has a direct relationship with your career. As for the reasons why you chose
the universities, leave the ranking of the universities out of the discussion. That is irrelevant
to your decision to enroll in one of the two universities. Instead, the response has to relate
to the kind of learning, training, and practical experience you can receive from the university
as it applies to your interest in the field. You need to show a familiarity with the course
offerings and training programs instead of the general references that you make in the
current version of your essay.

@Holt
Hello Holt, thanks for your feedback.
Actually the next question in supporting statements needed in the scholarship application is
"How will the proposed study contribute to your career?"
l just made general references how I picked my proposed course and left out connection
between my proposed program with my current profession. Because I think I will try to
connect for the second question.

Don't you think it will be kinda repetitive if I write same ideas in next essay?

Thank you very much for your help.

My area of research is in rural healthcare services and rural health policy in P.R. China. My PhD study will explore
the barriers to, and opportunities for, enhancing the participation of older Miao people in the local development and
implementation of the new RCMS. A principal objective in the process will be to analyze how the needs of older Miao
people are identified and addressed by the scheme. The study will contribute to the effective development and
implementation of health policy and services designed to enhance the health outcomes of marginalized, ethnic
minorities in rural China.

INEFFECTIVE METHODS OF TEACHING ENGLISH

I have been struggling to spread the concept of second language acquisition in English
language teaching. However, people find it hard to follow the idea since most of them
believe, grammar is a must to master English. There is a place called Kampung Inggris in
Kediri, where there are around a hundred and eighty three English courses and camps.
That place was established forty years ago. The students come from all over Indonesia and
some countries such as Thailand, Yemen and Sudan to deepen their English or study it
from beginner level. Yet, the tutors still teach English the same way. They teach it in
Indonesian, with lots of drilling, and by using grammar-focused method. Students would sit
down and listen while the tutor does the lecturing. Then, they would practice in pairs or
groups. Grammar rules are memorized and students are expected to be able to make
perfectly grammatical sentences in the end of the program. They don't get much exposure
such as English stories, articles, videos or listening materials.

I was a teacher there in an institution called Brilliant English course. I taught speaking
program for beginner students. Instead of using grammar-drilling method, I conducted
language acquisition principal where I used English most of the time to make the students
used to it, even though they found it difficult at first in understanding my instructions. I also
used tons of handouts to make them able to produce more language. They didn't just sit
and listen and we did a lot of games as warmers and fillers. I encouraged my students to
interact in English and I also played English videos and listening materials to help my
students obtain as many exposures as possible. The grammar point was introduced for a
few minutes; then we practiced the grammar in a lively way such as mingle, role play,
running dictation or group work. The result was great. Although it was only a month-class,
my students felt comfortable to speak to me in English all the time.

Forty years ago, my country established English learning camps in Kampung Inggris, Kediri.
At present, there are about 180 camps in the area dedicated to helping students learn the
English language in both spoken and English form. While the students come from all over
Indonesia, Thailand, Yemen, and Sudan, I feel that they are not receiving adequate
language training because the concept of teaching ESL in the country is not based upon
using English as the medium of teaching but rather, our native tongue. This is the obstacle
that I have been struggling to overcome, the concept that ESL can be taught using a
language other than English. Grammar rules....
Hi @Holt
Thank you for the suggestion; it helps me to revise my essay.
First of all, let me tell you the story of this place. There was a man who studied English in an
Islamic boarding house in Kediri regency, a small city in East Java province. Then, he
continued to learn it from a smart person in a small district called Pare, forty years ago.
Then, he build the first English course in that area. Time after time, the students graduated
and build another English courses. Pare changed from a quiet place into an alive area
where it is full of English courses, boarding houses and camps (boarding houses which
provide English programs). So I would say the government didn't really have big influence
here.

Now here comes the problem. This is just my hypothesis, but I can see the influence of the
way of teaching from the Islamic boarding house that the man used to study. Lots of
memorization of grammar and vocabularies. Such teaching style spread to the newly
established English courses later on because the students who established them brought
the concept from their previous courses. It continues for forty years. Even though there are
people who graduated from English department at university and introduce new things
about English, such traditional teaching style where people memorize a lot instead of
practice English naturally and get exposures from reading and watching videos still exists
and is still widely used. It is quite a challenge to introduce a new concept to the people who
teach there when they are already used to the old teaching style. You can imagine if
hundreds of students every month come here and they go back to their hometown and
spread the concept of English teaching and learning from this place, what effect can it be in
forty-year period?

The question is, does this new essay below represent the issue I am addressing
here?
nb: I use bold here to divide the long paragraphs :D

In my hometown, Kediri forty years ago there was the first English course in a place which
is now called Kampung Inggris. It has been developing as the home of around 180 English
courses where students from all over Indonesia and some countries such as Malaysia,
Sudan and Yemen come to deepen their English or study it from the basic. While it is a
beneficial development, I am concerned that the English taught needs improvements since
the teaching does not reflect the contemporary principals and trends of ESL. The medium of
instruction is mainly Indonesian; grammar and vocabularies are memorized mainly as the
requirement to acquire the language with minimum exposure of natural English use such as
articles and videos. In fact, English is taught separately based on the skills and components
such as speaking, grammar, pronunciation and vocabularies. As an English teacher, this is
the obstacle that I have been struggling to overcome to contribute to my community.

I was a teacher there in an institution called Brilliant English Course where I taught speaking
program for beginner level. I participated in regular meetings and I used the opportunity to
introduce Common European Language of Reference to polish Brilliant's curriculum. In
addition, I introduced various activities in English teaching such as games and language
worksheets to my fellow teachers and the interns from AIESEC program who were also
teaching there so that they could have livelier classes.

The result was astounding. Even though the teachers needed time to adapt, some of them
could use my ideas and implement them in their classes. The students also found it
interesting since they didn't only learn grammar but they practiced it in a lively way. In
addition, when I implemented the culture when everyone should use English all the time so
that it could help the students practice their English outside the class, the students were
excited and they gave positive feedbacks to it.