Conflict Management Project Paper

Dakota Peterson
COMM-2110-Sp18
Susan Knott
March 16th, 2018

I am writing this paper to reenact two different ways of dealing with a conflict that I had
with my girlfriend. Throughout this paper, I will address, the five-step process to
managing a conflict through collaboration, a background of my conflict. I will also give
an example of a dialog of the problem without using the five-step problem-solving
process, a dialog using the five-step process, an analysis of my solution to my conflict,
and an application of my solution to my conflict.

MANAGING CONFLICT THROUGH COLLABORATION

Managing conflicts collaboratively involves both parties working together to solve a
problem. A "win, win" point of view allows for both parties to walk away from the conflict
positively. (Beebe, p. 235) Both parties should have a common goal to work towards.
This creates teamwork to aid in collaboration. Being able to manage these conflicts as
problems allows us to create a "simple conflict", (This is a conflict that focuses on the
issues at hand). Rather than an "ego conflict", (This is a conflict that focusses on
personalities). (Beebe, p. 217-218) Using collaboration to manage conflicts control
emotions of both parties involved to create a constructive environment to work through
conflicts. This process involves the following five steps. (Beebe, p. 234).

Define the Problem

The first step in managing a conflict through collaboration clearly defines the real
problem at hand. Making sure that both parties understand the real reason for the
conflict. Reducing external communication noise allows for a better understanding of
both parties involved in the conflict. (Beebe, p. 124) This lays solid groundwork for the
rest of the conflict to be resolved on. We need to take many variables into consideration
to reduce communication noise. Clearly describing the conflict-producing events in a
well-organized, well-thought-out package helps to ensure complete understanding of
the problem and how it has become a conflict.

Analyze the Problem

After both parties have a solid understanding of what the single problem is they need to
understand the other parties understanding of the problem. The second step is to
analyze this problem we have defined. Focusing on being other-oriented check your
understanding of their side of the problem. (Beebe, p. 2) Use appropriate listening skills.
(Beebe, p. 126) Make sure you respond clearly and appropriately. Use accurate
responding skills. (Beebe, p. 135). To be able to work through a conflict with two parties
you need to understand each other's point of view on the problem. We need to
determine what type of conflict is at hand and if need be transition the conflict to a
simple conflict to make it a solvable conflict. (Clark, Chapter 8 Readings)

Determine Goals for Both Parties

Now that both parties fully understand the problem at hand. As well as having a
complete understanding of the other party's overall side of the conflict. The third step is
to determine goals. We need to know what is important to us as well as what is
important to the other party involved. Having goals and criteria laid out makes it easier
to find common ground for both sides. These goals are what will be collaboratively
worked towards. These goals need to be general interest, not pre-determined positions.
(Clark, Chapter 8 Readings) General interest is easier to find a common goal to achieve
for both parties than a predetermined position. (Clark, Chapter 8 Readings)

Generate Many Possible Options

Using the information, we have gathered thus far we need to develop a solution. The
fourth step is to develop as many possible solutions as we can. To do this, express
every idea that you can. Make sure to write them down quickly. (Clark, Chapter 8
Readings) No Idea is a bad idea for this brainstorming process. The plan is to give
yourself as many options as possible to collaboratively work with. One may not be a
viable option but it may retain a helpful answer. Refrain from negative comments, this
only shuts down this process. We need both parties to participate in brainstorming.
When someone is participating in the brainstorming process they are more likely to feel
invested in the success of this process. (Clark, Chapter 8 Readings)

Select the Best Option for Both Parties

After we have a good amount of solutions developed the fifth and final step of managing
a conflict through collaboration is to choose the best solution for both parties. Beginning
this step starts with eliminating the obvious options first. The options that are not
plausible, too farfetched, not acceptable by any means for the other party. After that,
look at both party's goals created in step three. Keeping the most important goals from
each party in mind look at what options fit the criteria. Chose a solution that allows for
everyone to save face the goal was not to win, it was to collaboratively a relational issue
and come to a successful conclusion. (Beebe, p. 236)
BACKGROUND OF MY CONFLICT
My girlfriend and I were exclusive for about two and a half months when this conflicted
came into our relationship. One day while she was showing me something from her
friend on snapchat I noticed she had a message from her ex. When I questioned her
about it she blew it off as no big deal. Then she explained that they simply ran into each
other at the grocery store a few days ago and decided to get lunch together. The
conflicted really lies with our two different ideas of relationships and the involvement of
past relationships. When we first started dating I made it clear that I didn't mind if they
kept in touch as I was still dating other people. However, when we decided to become
exclusive I thought I made it clear that I did not want her to interact with him. I made the
same agreement for myself and stopped all interaction I had with the individuals I was
dating at the time. In relationships, I believe after you become exclusive with someone
you should remove yourself from past and any current relationships you may be in. My
girlfriend, on the other hand, thought a little different. She believed that it was ok to stay
friends with past relationships as long as there was no emotional attachment.

COMPARATIVE DIALOGUES
The following dialogues are illustrations of my girlfriend and I communicate about
different perspectives we have of interacting with individuals that we have had
relationships with.

DIALOGUE A (without using the five-step problem-solving

process)

Me: Why is your ex snapchatting you?

Her: Don't worry about it, we just ran into each other at the store the other day and
grabbed
lunch.
Me: Why are you still talking to him? I thought you weren't seeing him anymore.
Her: Why is it a big deal it was just lunch?
Me: It's a big deal because I don't want you interacting with him, when we decided to
become exclusive I stopped any interaction with the girls I was talking with I expected
you to do the same.
Her: We are just friends. I didn't ask you to stop talking to them.
Me: That's very disrespectful why would you think it was ok to go out with him?
Her: I thought you were ok with us just being friends. Why is it a big deal?
Me: No, I never said I was ok with you seeing him, being friendly and being friends are
two totally different things. I was under the impression that we were both finished with
our ex's.
Her: I didn't agree to that. I didn't think it was going to be a big deal that's why I didn't
tell you about it.
Me: I have to go to class, we will have to talk about this later.

DIALOGUE B (with using the five-step problem-solving

process)
Define the Problem

Me: Hey, I noticed that your ex snapchatted you. I thought we both agreed that we were
going to stop interacting with other people.
Her: I thought you said you were ok with me being friends with him?
Me: Yes, I did when we first started dating, at the time we were both involved with other
people. Now that we are together I feel like we should not interact with past
relationships anymore. How do you feel about that?
Her: I'm sorry, we were friends before we started dating so it's hard to completely
exclude
from my life.
Comments: Here I did not attack her, I asked a simple question and the reasoning for
my question. I let her know how I felt and that there was a problem. I asked her what
her thoughts were on the problem. I informed her that I had a problem with this
situation.

Analyze the Problem

Her: So, you're saying you have a problem spending time with him without you?
Me: Yes, I feel like we will be able to further our relationships without outside influences.
Her: ok, sorry. I didn't know you had an issue with this. I can see where you're coming
from.
Me: I am a little upset that you thought it was ok. I feel like you disregarded my feelings.
Her: I know and I see why you are angry, I'm sorry.
Me: It is alright, I can also see where you are coming from. I'm not angry with you, it's
me for not understanding you.
Comments: This time we are being other-oriented and understand each side of the
problem. (Beebe, p. 2) We check to make sure we are understanding the other person
and their feelings towards the problem. I acknowledged to myself and to her that I was
angry and that helped me cool off. I was aware of what was happening and I could
consciously think of why I was feeling angry and could keep my emotion under control.
(Beebe, p. 229)
Determining Goals
Me: I would like for us to be happy in our relationship as well as maintaining past
friendships.
Her: I don't care about seeing him more than your feelings.
Me: Thank you, I agree. Your feelings are my top priority.
Comments: At this point, we are working as a team and coming up with a goal for both
of us to work towards. Caring about each other's feelings in the relationship. When we
had this conversation, I thought it was going to be much worse.

Generating Multiple Solutions

Me: what if the next time it happens let me go with you?
Her: No, I'm afraid that will be very awkward.
Me: Ok, what are your thoughts?
Her: I will not go out with him for anything anymore. If I see him in passing I will just say
hi.
Me: Are you ok with that? I know you are friends.
Her: Yes, I need to let the past go and focus on the future with you. I have been thinking
of cutting him out of my life for a while. This helped give me the direction and push I
needed.
Comments: I offered a solution to her that I thought she would be ok with and that I
could live with. I knew they were friends before they dated. Their relationship was short-
lived, it lasted about a month. So, I really didn't mind if they stayed friends. When she
offered to stop interactions with him completely it caught me off guard. I guess she had
been thinking about dissolving their relationship for a while.

Selecting the Best Option

Me: That sounds reasonable to me if that's ok with you?
Her: Yes, sorry I didn't bring this to you earlier.
Comments: Selecting the best option came really easy in this conflict. I knew she was
good with what we mutually agreed on as it was one of her solutions. I feel like if her
feelings were different it would have been much more difficult to resolve.

ANALYSIS
Out Come
There is a significant difference between the two dialogs. The most easily recognizable
is the words that were said. They were much more thought through, genuine, and not
meant to win or cause pain. This is not the only thing that was different. Our emotions
were kept out of the conversation keeping this conflict from becoming an "ego conflict".
We stayed focused on the issue at hand allowing us to work as a team to come up with
a unified goal. We also made certain to clarify our own ideas as well as make sure to
fully understand each other and what they wanted. We were able to turn it into a "simple
conflict." (Beebe, p. 217-218) Our feelings after the fact were much different. In dialog A
we were both frustrated and felt attacked whereas in dialog B we both felt like we had
accomplished what we wanted to. It was a win-win conflict that we both were happy with
the resolution. (Beebe, p. 235)

Conflict Resolution Style

In both dialogs, our conflict started out as a simple conflict. In dialog A I let my emotions
get to me and got angry. My girlfriend then got defensive and our simple conflicted soon
escalated to an "ego conflict". (Beebe, p. 218) Eventually, I got sick of arguing and
fighting so I left the situation which would have made the whole conflict worse. Leaving
the situation would have created an "avoidance management" style instead of a
"collaborative style". (Beebe, p. 223) In dialog B we were able to control our emotions
and used reasoning to maintain our simple conflict (Beebe, p. 217) to come to a
collaborative conclusion.

Challenges
One of my biggest challenges in implementing a collaboration style is maintaining my
anger. Not only in this specific situation but in all conflicts that escalated to an ego
conflict. During this conflict with my girlfriend, I remember a saying from the text written
by William Blake:
"I was angry with my friend.
I told my wrath; my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe,
I told it not; my wrath did grow."
(Beebe, p. 230) I do not want to become angry with people anymore. Especially people
that I have a close relationship with. I will defiantly remember this saying every time I
find myself in a conflict situation with someone. I recalled this saying when I felt myself
becoming angry. I knew I needed to express my anger to my girlfriend. I needed her to
know the seriousness of the situation and her to understand how I was feeling. I also
needed to do it for myself to help me concisely know I was getting irritated. I was able to
keep my concentration on the problem at hand and not my emotion. (Beebe, p. 230)

APPLICATION
Using collaboration to manage conflicts is a useful and efficient way to resolve many
communicating issues. I know my usual avoidance style of dealing with conflicts is not
the most efficient way to solve conflicts. (Beebe, p. 223) I can use this skill in many
aspects of life. Whether it is at work debating on issues on the job site to group projects
at school and more importantly in my personal life with my relationships. Many times,
conflicts arise on the job site where someone disagrees with a way you're doing
something or how you want to do it. Using this at work will greatly increase our
productivity level as well as helping protect others face of workers. (Beebe, p. 44)

CONCLUSION
Managing conflicts through collaboration with this five-step process is an excellent way
to improve my communication skills in general. Beginning with defining the problem
allows for me to know what the real issue is that needs to be solved. Analyzing the
problem helps me to understand the problem and the perspective of the other party
involved. Determining important goals for me as well as the other party allow us to both
know what's important and gives us a common goal to achieve. After generating many
solutions, we have a wide pool of options to work with. This allows me to use teamwork
to collaboratively choose the best option for both parties. after learning about this
process, I believe I will be able to achieve happier relationships in life. using teamwork
as a foundation to create all relationships and use collaboration to resolve any issues
that will inevitably arise.

WORKS CITED

Beebe, S., Beebe S., & Redmond, M. (2017). Interpersonal Communication: Relating to
Others (8th ed.). Boston: Pearson Publishers.
Clark, C. (2014). Conflict Management Skills. Available at
https://slcc.instructure.com/courses/441031/pages/ch08-readings-conflict-
management-skills?module_item_id=6790836 Accessed March 6, 2018.