Golden Moon

Twilight Fan Fiction

Unknown Author
Prologue
He was dying. My eyes burned with smoke and my lungs were overwhelmed with the h
eavy, acrid odor of incense as the wolves threw vampire chunks into the blazing
fire. I could hear the howls and growling of the pack as their fury whipped them
into a frenzy.
I was covered with blood. It dripped from me onto him as I desperately tried to
hold his torn and broken body together, to somehow protect him from certain demi
se. But my loss of blood was nothing. My wounds were superficial. He was dying!
Dying because he tried to protect me. And there was nothing I could do to stop i
t.
I kept screaming. Screaming at the top of my lungs despite the choking smoke, un
til the intelligible noise finally turned into words.
"Jacob," I screamed," You have to save him! Please! He cannot die because of me!
I'm begging you, you're the only one who can do this! Jacob! Oh God - Jasper! N
o! You have to save him! He's dying!"
The smoke was so thick I could hardly see, but my peripheral vision somehow regi
stered movement. A small, fast, fluid shadow descended into the clearing like a
dark angel. My screams caught in my throat as my mind recognized the familiar fi
gure. Alice!
________________________________________
Chapter 1: Abandoned toy
He was gone.
A part of me wanted to follow, to trace his path through the forest, catch up wi
th him and force him to change his mind. But I knew this was impossible. I was a
terrible tracker and I could never match his speed, even if I was able to follo
w without falling and injuring myself. Besides, what could I possibly say to cha
nge his mind? If he was telling the truth, if he really didn't want me, what goo
d would it do to argue?
I sank to the ground. I didn't know what to do, where to go, what to think. He h
ad said he loved me, over and over again, so many times. I thought he meant it.
Yet today he was so cold, like he was a different person. Not the Edward I loved
, but a stranger.
I sat there for a while, not moving. I was worthless and alone, left like last s
eason's trendy toy that was now out of style. Sure, Edward could move on to othe
r distractions. But what was I supposed to do now? For months Edward had been my
whole world. We spent all our time together. I had no other interests, nothing
to distract me. How could I go on? I felt numbness spread through me as I wallow
ed in self pity.
When I finally tried to move, I realized that I was numb, literally. My legs had
fallen asleep from sitting so long in one position. Yet another reminder that I
was a pathetically inferior human. Edward could have sat there in the same posi
tion for days without a slightest hint of discomfort.
I untangled my legs and cried out as blood circulated again and brought feeling
and pain. Thousands of pins and needles sticking into my lower limbs, like the o
nes I could feel stabbing into my heart. There was a strange comfort in the pain
– at least it proved I could still feel.
When the pain in my legs finally receded, I pulled myself up and made my way bac
k to the house. Charlie hadn't come home yet. I found a note on the kitchen tabl
e, written in my messy handwriting.
Going for a walk with Edward, up the path. Back soon, B.
I was confused. I hadn't written the note. Edward must have done it, but why? Di
d he expect me to still be on the trail when Charlie came home? Did he expect me
to collapse in some sort of catatonic state so that Charlie would have to find
me? And if he did expect that, did he really go ahead and leave me, after warnin
g me last spring about all the dangers hiding in the forest? I started to get an
gry. I crumpled up the note and threw it in the trash.
No, I would not give him the satisfaction of acting like the weakling he believe
d me to be. He had hurt me, yes, but the wound was not fatal. It would take time
to heal; something I was used to. Clumsy as I was, I was always healing form on
e injury or another. If anything, this emotional blow should be easier. Not stit
ches or braces or casts necessary. Just time.
The thought of time made me look at the clock. Holy crow, it was late! Charlie w
ould be home soon and I had nothing ready for dinner. There wasn't enough time f
or anything remotely resembling home cooking, so I grabbed some spaghetti and a
jar of sauce. I knew I had a bag of frozen meatballs in the freezer for just suc
h occasions. I quickly put water in the pasta pot to boil and dumped the meatbal
ls and pasta sauce into another pot to warm. It wouldn't be my finest culinary e
ffort, but Charlie probably wouldn't even notice. He wasn't particularly picky.
The phone rang. I didn't feel like talking with anyone, but answered anyway, jus
t in case it was Charlie.
"Hey Bella," the voice was that of Jessica Stanley.
I cringed. There could only be one reason for Jessica to call – her gossip of a mo
ther had already heard about the Cullens leaving Forks. Bad news travels fast, I
thought. Then I realized that Edward never even game me the cover story. What w
ould I tell Jessica when she asked why they left? Oh, you know, Jess, Edward fel
t I wasn't good enough for him anymore and he couldn't stand to live in the same
town as me so his whole family had to move, lest he give in to his initial reac
tion to me and kill me for my blood. I bet that would go over well.
Fortunately, I didn't have to be that creative.
"My mom just came home and told me that Dr. Cullen took a position in a hospital
in L.A. and that the whole family was moving there immediately. How awful! Did
you speak with Edward?"
Moving to sunny California, I thought. I had to admit the irony was just a littl
e too delicious. Edward really wanted to go to great lengths to make sure he mad
e a clean get-away. I knew the one place the Cullens would not move to was a cit
y where they would be forced to stay indoors all the time. Was he afraid I would
try to stalk him and came up with this ridiculous lie as a signal to me? I clen
ched my fist in anger. I was not a physically aggressive person, but right now I
wouldn't mind punching something, or someone!
"Bella?" Jessica's voice interrupted my thoughts. I panicked. What was it that s
he asked me? That's right, she wanted to know if Edward and I talked.
"Yes, we spoke. It's true."
"Oh," she said, and I knew she didn't call for confirmation of the rumor. She wa
nted the dirt on me and Edward. "So what are you guys going to do? Will you visi
t each other on the weekends?"
"Um," my brain was working overtime. Edward was gone and he made me feel so smal
l, but there was no reason for any one else to know that. What could I say that
wouldn't make me sound like a discarded plaything? After a moment, I formulated
a story that I prayed would work. "Flying is pretty expensive, and senior year m
eans a lot of school work, plus I have to work many weekends. We'll see what hap
pens, but for now we decided that it might be a good idea to see other people."
"I see," Jessica said incredulously. "And you're OK with that? I mean, you know
what they say about California girls. Are you sure you want to give Edward your
permission to . . . experiment?"
I could hear in her voice that she didn't really believe me. The fact that she w
as right made me all the more determined to be convincing.
"Whatever," I said, sounding bored. "I mean, make no mistake, I love Edward, but
he was definitely more useful as a boyfriend when he was here, you know what I
mean?"
"Really? I thought you two were really gaga over each other."
"Yeah, well, I guess we were, but I'm only eighteen and I don't want to spend my
last year of high school exchanging e-mails, phone calls and an occasional visi
t with a long-distance boyfriend, and I'm sure Edward feels the same way." Yes,
he had made that abundantly clear. "So, you know, we'll keep in touch, but we'll
explore our other options too."
I crossed my fingers as I offered the last lie. I knew all too well there would
be no future contact between me and Edward. How had he put it? It will be as tho
ught I never existed. He might as well have substituted "you" for the "I".
"Wow, Bella, you're taking this really well," Jessica said. Her voice was still
filled with disbelief, but also a bit of disappointment. I could tell she was ho
ping I'd be a heartbroken mess. I thought about the note crumpled in the trash.
Join the club, Jess, join the club.
"You think? I'm just trying to make the most of a bad situation. Maybe dating is
like horseback riding – if you fall off the best thing to do is get right back on
?
"Sure," now Jessica was uncertain. I could almost hear her thoughts, reviewing t
he roster of available senior boys at Forks high school, including her ex, Mike
Newton. "But no sense in rushing into anything."
I knew this conversation had not gone anything like she thought it would when sh
e first picked up the phone, and I was glad, though I also felt guilty that I wa
s taking out my anger at Edward by being mean to Jess. I really had no intention
of dating anyone, especially Mike Newton, so why make her as miserable as I fel
t?
"I won't rush," I assured her. "I think a little break from relationships would
be good for me. Look, Jess, my dad will be home any minute and I have to finish
dinner, so. . ." I let my voice train off.
"Oh, right, I'll let you go," thankfully she took the hint. "I'll see you at sch
ool tomorrow."
We hung up the phone and I knew that as soon as the receiver hit the cradle at J
essica's house it would be picked up again, either by her or her mother. By tomo
rrow morning there wouldn't be a soul in town who didn't know about me an Edward
. I just hoped my story was plausible enough to hold.
I had dinner ready by the time Charlie walked through the door.
"Hey, Bella," he said cautiously as we sat down to eat," I hear the Cullens were
moving to California. Edward going with them?"
I looked up, startled. Even thought I was 18 and everyone assumed Edward was the
same age, the possibility of Edward staying behind when his family left would n
ot have even occurred to me. I hoped Charlie was the only one who made that ment
al leap.
"Of course, Dad. He's still in high school." For the umpteenth time! I briefly w
ondered where the Cullens were really moving to, and whether they would be start
ing high school all over again wherever they wound up. For some reason the miser
y that this experience caused them, especially Edward and Rosalie, gave me a sma
ll comfort. Who knew I was this vindictive?
"I see. So I suppose I should get a better long distance plan?"
I knew I would have to lie to Charlie as well, but I didn't realize it would be
this hard. Still, he would know better than anyone that there would be no calls
to or from California, and I couldn't very well tell him the truth.
"I don't think so, Dad. The long-distance relationship thing, probably not such
a good idea. Edward and I decided to see other people. We, um, broke up."
It was Charlie's turn to look surprised.
"And you're OK with that?" he was at once concerned, suspicious, hopeful and rel
ieved.
"Yeah. I think I am."
"Uh-huh," he didn't sound convinced. "Am I going to have to drive you to LA to c
onvince him to move back to Forks?"
I winced at the reminder of the cover story we gave Charlie for the events of la
st spring break. I supposed it was hard to believe that Edward and I could be in
separable one week, and completely ready to move on the next. And no wonder, sin
ce it was a complete lie, at least on my part. But I had a role to play here, an
d dwelling would not be helpful. I tried to smile.
"Well, it's not like his whole family will move back for us, so I don't think th
ere would be any point to that trip."
Suddenly Charlie looked glum.
"Are you going to stay in Forks?" he asked, and I realized that he was worried t
hat without Edward I would decided to re-join Renee and Phil. I thought it was o
dd that this thought hadn't even occurred to me. Of course I could avoid all the
gossip simply by leaving myself. I too had another place to go. But looking at
Charlie's tortured face, I knew this was not an option. Charlie needed me here,
and I would not let Edward chase me away from my home. I didn't want to start se
nior year at a new school, be forced to make new friends, find a new job. Stayin
g in Forks would be hard, but it would also be easier than moving.
"Yeah, Dad, I'm staying in Forks. I want to finish high school with my friends."
I could see he was buying it. I guess I was a pretty good spin doctor - maybe I
had a career in public relations.
"I'm glad, Bells. I love having you here."
I choked up a little. The word "love" was not one Charlie used often. I hung my
head, embarrassed.
"I love you too, Dad." I said.
We finished the meal in silence. After dinner I washed the dishes while Charlie
dried and put them away. We didn't need to speak to bond.
When we were done Charlie went to the living room to watch a baseball game. I le
t him know I was going to do homework and headed upstairs. I had an idea that my
surprises from Edward weren't over yet, and I opened the door to my room with d
read.
Sure enough, he had been here too. I could see that the birthday presents form h
is family were gone. He had also removed the photos of himself from my scrapbook
and took his CD out of my CD player. This was a final blow, but it was also kin
d of a relief. I acknowledged that I probably would have gotten rid of all those
things anyway. He just saved me the trouble.
I knew I wouldn't be able to study, and there was nothing due the next day, so I
decided to get ready for bed. As I lay in my dark room, the events of the day r
e-played in my head like footage of a disaster on an otherwise slow news day. Al
one, all traces of my false bravado disappeared and the tears started flowing un
til, eventually, I cried myself to sleep.

Chapter 2: Starting Over

My night had been restless. I kept waking up between nightmares. Each time I wok
e up without the coolness of Edward's body next to mine, I immediately remembere
d what happened and tried to fall asleep to get away from reality. But as soon a
s I fell asleep the nightmares returned. There was not relief. Now wonder I felt
horrible when it was finally time to get out of bed and start my life in Forks
all over again.
I knew today was critical. I had to put on a good show so that no one knew how m
iserable I really felt. One look in the mirror showed me how difficult my task w
ould be. The evidence of my misery was irrefutably imprinted on my face, with my
eyes puffy from a night of crying. Fortunately, splashing cold water on my face
helped a little. I swallowed a couple of Advils, both for the anti-inflammatory
properties and to help with the head ache that was quickly developing as I thou
ght of what awaited me at the high school. How I wished I could just stay home.
But I knew I couldn't hide forever, and it was best to confront my fear head on.
I dressed, ate breakfast and got into my truck. Immediately I gasped. Was it pos
sible? Did the infallible Edward actually forget to remove such an obvious remin
der of him and his family? I couldn't believe it, yet could not deny what I was
seeing with my own eyes. The stereo that had been a birthday gift from Emmet was
still in the truck. I hit the steering wheel in anger and frustration! How in t
he world was I supposed to get rid of that?
The anger actually helped me pull myself together, so that by the time I reached
the high school I was steadfast in my resolve to put on a great show of nonchal
ance. One last check in the rearview mirror told me the obvious signs of crying
were gone. I was relieved.
Walking through the parking lot I heard fast footsteps behind me and then felt a
n arm around my shoulder. I turned to see Mike Newton.
"Hey, Bella," he said easily. "What's this I hear about Cullen leaving town and
you wanting to see other people?'
I had to admire Mike's persistence and self-confidence. He certainly believed in
striking while the iron was hot.
"Um, yeah," I said noncommittally, "Neither one of us thought the long distance
thing would work so great,"
"Heck, no," he agreed. "A beautiful girl like you wasted on a phone and e-mail r
elationship? And in your senior year? No way! There are way too many cool things
to do this year. Just wait and see, a couple of weeks and you won't even rememb
er his name."
This was wishful thinking on Mike's part. He couldn't possible think any boy cou
ld ever make me forget Edward. Nevertheless, I found myself caught up in his opt
imism. Maybe this would be easier than I thought. Maybe there would be just enou
gh distractions to keep me from sinking into complete despair.
"Bella!"
I looked up to see Angela waiving and walking over. I stopped walking to let her
catch up. Mike removed his arm from my shoulder. As if sensing this was girl ta
lk time, he kept walking, turning around briefly to wink at me and shout a quick
"See you later."
"He's in a good mood," Angela commented, and she didn't need to say she knew exa
ctly why. Then she looked at me, scrutinizing my face. "How are you?"
I felt uncomfortable. Angela was always more sensitive to my moods. If anyone co
uld see through my charade, it would be her.
"I'm fine." I decided I could be more honest with her than the others, trusting
in her discretion. "It's hard. It was so unexpected – I wasn't prepared. I'll miss
him, but the show must go on, right?"
Angela looked like she wasn't convinced.
"Jessica said you didn't want a long distance relationship, but are you sure, Be
lla? It might not be so bad. It's not as though Edward couldn't afford to visit
. . ."
I interrupted her before she could go on.
"It was a mutual decision, Angela," I said pointedly. OK, that was a lie. I was
giving myself far more responsibility for that decision that I actually had. But
telling Angela the whole truth would have been too painful. Even this concessio
n to my official façade was difficult. "Edward wasn't interested in a long-distanc
e relationship any more than I was."
"Oh," I could see she suddenly understood, and was not going to push this line o
f thought. "Well, then, let me know if you need anything. You know I'm here for
you."
"Thanks, Angela," I smiled. "I appreciate that more than you know."
The rest of the day passed in a blur. I repeated my carefully orchestrated story
so often I was almost starting to believe it myself. Fortunately, everyone else
seemed to believe it too. I took the most satisfaction in convincing Lauren. I
knew she had wanted to torture me with the consequences of Edward's departure, a
nd raged at my ability to disarm her before she even had the chance.
When I wasn't spinning my web of lies, the misery took over. I tried really hard
to keep a smile plastered on my face, but inside I was weeping. The empty chair
next to me in every class was a constant reminder of Edward. I had never felt m
ore alone.
After school I went to work. Thankfully the store was busy, with lots of people
stocking up on hunting and fishing gear before the start of the season. To Mike'
s visible dismay, this left little time for random chit-chat. I was glad. I put
up a good front at school, but I wasn't quite ready for the puppy dog adoration
Mike wanted to bestow.
As soon as my shift was over I skipped out and headed home, grabbing a quick pla
te of leftovers for dinner and throwing myself into the pile of homework I negle
cted the night before. I managed to get through it all, but as the night wore on
I grew more and more despondent.
Pretending to be strong all day left me absolutely exhausted. Even if I could fo
ol everyone else, I couldn't lie to myself. I couldn't pretend that the gaping w
ound he left behind didn't exist and I couldn't stop my eyes from overflowing. M
y second day without Edward ended much like my first, crying myself to sleep.
Chapter 3: Left Behind
The next day was Friday, and it went much the same, except I didn't have to repe
at my story to the people who had already heard it. Mike hovered around me const
antly and it looked like he wanted to ask me out on a date, but I made sure to a
lways be surrounded by a group of people, making it impossible for him to ask hi
s question without risking public rejection. I was never so glad to hear the las
t bell of the day.
I didn't have to work, so I went home and prepared dinner for Charlie. I didn't
know what to do next. The prospect of spending another evening in my room, devoi
d of all physical reminders of Edward yet somehow still filled with his presence
, was unacceptable. There was nothing on TV. Tired of keeping up my false front,
I didn't want to do anything with any of my friends from school. It was too lat
e in the evening to go hiking and there just wasn't anything to do in Forks wher
e I wouldn't be risking running into people I knew. I had never been much of a s
hopper, but suddenly the thought of spending an evening in the relative anonymit
y of the department store in Port Angeles had a new appeal.
I quickly dashed off a note for Charlie about shopping and a movie, making sure
I didn't clue him in that I was going alone. Then I grabbed my purse, hopped in
my truck and headed out of town.
The sun had gone down and I knew pretty soon it would be dark. Suddenly I rememb
ered the last time I was in Port Angeles alone. I intended to stay in the retail
district this time, where I was relatively sure I'd be safe, but without Edward
waiting to save me in the wings, was this really a smart idea? I slowed down, d
oubt and a little bit of fear eating at my insides. I probably shouldn't go to P
ort Angeles alone, but I really didn't have other options. Unable to make a deci
sion, I pulled off to the side of the road and buried my head in my hands. How c
ould Edward do this to me? How could the rest of the Cullens do this to me? Even
if he didn't care for me anymore, why did they abandon me? How could they leave
without even saying goodbye?
Suddenly I knew where I needed to go. I needed to see for myself that they were
really gone. I needed to go to their house.
I started the truck again and turned around, heading down to the familiar road t
hat led to the house deep in the woods. I didn't know what I would do once I got
there. Look in the windows, I supposed. I wasn't sure what to expect. Would the
y have packed up all their possessions and taken them with them, or simply cover
ed everything, intending to come back again some day? I didn't know which would
be worse.
I pulled up to the house, which had a feeling of abandonment about it. The curta
ins in the windows were tightly drawn. I sat in my truck, uncertain as to what t
o do next. I was sure if I rounded to the back of the house the windows there wo
uld be just as impenetrable. I should just turn around and go back home. But an
inexplicable feeling washed over me and would not let me leave. I found myself g
etting out of the truck and walking towards the porch, heading to the front door
, my outstretched hand reaching for the door handle.
Before I even touched the handle the door opened, making me gasp in surprise. St
anding in the doorway, serene and enigmatic as ever, was Jasper. I was shocked,
though I could see that he had been expecting me. He must have heard my truck an
d manipulated my emotions to compel me to come to the door.
I remembered the last time Jasper and I were in this close proximity, the single
-minded pursuit in his eyes as he tried to get past Edward to reach me and my bl
ood, and my fear compelled me to take a step back. Undoubtedly sensing my fear,
Jasper also retreated by about three times the distance of my step.
"Hello, Bella," he said politely, but not warmly. I wasn't surprised, as Jasper
and I had never been particularly close.
"Hi Ja. . . Jasper," I managed to stammer out. "What are you doing here? I thoug
ht the whole family left?" I was starting to feel more relaxed, but I knew it wa
s just Jasper manipulating my emotions.
"We did leave," he confirmed, "But I couldn't stay with the others. I needed tim
e alone to think. This seemed as good a place as any to do that."
"Oh," I had nothing else to say. I suspected the reason he needed to be alone ha
d to do with the incident at my birthday party, and it was another reminder how
much trouble my humanity had caused. No wonder Edward didn't want to be with me.
Why should he, when I was just tearing his family apart? Rosalie hated me, and
now Jasper had to separate from them because of me, because I had tempted him ki
ll a human, the one thing they tried so hard to avoid. Alice must be heartbroken
.
I didn't know what to do next. I had my confirmation that the family had left, a
nd now I understood better why they didn't want to say goodbye. Alice must have
seen Jasper needing this time alone and hated me for it. I choked back a sob. I
needed to leave this place before I totally lost control. I took another step ba
ckwards.
"I'm sorry to disturb you." I said, frantic to make a quick getaway. "It won't h
appen again."
I took another step back without turning around, not realizing that I had alread
y made it back to the stairs. I lost my footing and tumbled backwards to the gro
und. Jasper was next to me in a flash, but he did not touch me. I saw him take a
shallow breath.
"Are you all right?" he asked.
A bit dazed, I took stock of my body, sprawled unattractively at the foot of the
porch stairs. I moved my legs and my arms and examined my hands for cuts. My bu
tt hurt from the hard landing, but otherwise everything was in working order.
"I'm fine, thanks," I said, sitting up. "Just clumsy as usual."
I used the porch railing to pull myself up to a standing position. Jasper now st
ood between me and the truck, my means of escape.
"Bella, would you come in for a while? I would very much like to talk to you."
My face scrunched up in confusion. Why would Jasper want to talk to me? Was he a
ngry at me for want happened between him and the family? I was petrified of a co
nfrontation with him. Of course, he could sense my fear.
"I won't hurt you," he said, calmly. "I'll keep a safe distance and we'll be sur
e to keep you away from all sharp objects and glass. I can control myself, Bella
. I just hunted earlier today. I promise I only want to talk."
I considered his request carefully. I could tell by the color of his eyes that h
e was telling the truth about hunting. Besides, if he had wanted to hurt me he c
ould have done so already. And if he wanted to talk, could I deny him that after
all the trouble I caused?
"Sure, Jasper," I agreed. "Let's talk."
He walked back into the house and I followed at a respectable distance, closing
the door behind me.
Chapter 4: Mannequin
We walked to the living room and I saw that I had been right about the back wall
of windows – it was covered with a solid curtain of shades. No one looking at the
house would guess that someone was staying here. The room was illuminated b a s
oft glow of a single lamp, which was more than enough light for someone with Jas
per's perfect eyesight.
"Please, sit," Jasper said, gesturing towards the sofa, and I followed his sugge
stion. He took a seat in an armchair on the other side of the room.
"Bella," he began, "I want you to know how very sorry I am for what happened at
your party. With as much time as we spent in close proximity over the last few m
onths, I allowed myself to become complacent. I was sure I could control my crav
ings and I let down my guard. I should have hunted before that night, but I ran
short on time. I thought I would be able to handle my thirst. I was so wrong!"
"Jasper," I tried to interrupt, but he held up his hand in a request for my sile
nce.
"Please let me finish. I need to say this. If it had just been the paper cut, I
may have been able to stifle the urge, but when you fell as Edward tried to prot
ect you from me and blood started flowing from the wound on your arm, I complete
ly lost control. I could have killed you, Bella. I would have killed you if Emme
tt and Edward had not been there to stop me. I will be forever grateful that the
y were there."
He didn't seem to be done, so all I could do was to stare at him. He was in such
pain.
"I know you can never forgive me, Bella. What I did set of a chain of events tha
t changed all of our lives forever. But even without your forgiveness, I just ne
eded to tell you all this, to assure you that this will never happen again. From
now on I will hunt daily, if necessary, to make sure my thirst will never endan
ger you or any other human."
He turned his face away from me as I continued to stare at him. I knew how diffi
cult this was for him. Jasper hated himself for having this weakness. Admitting
it publicly, to a human, must have been beyond humiliating.
"Jasper, I forgave you that night. Didn't Alice tell you?"
Of course, even if she had told him, he probably thought she was lying to make h
im feel better. I should have insisted on talking to him myself. I could have sp
ared him lots of needless suffering.
"Please stop blaming yourself. It's in your nature to want to hunt humans. You h
ave done very well controlling yourself for years. I'm the one who should have b
een more careful. I should have never put you in that position, in your own hous
e! This whole thing is my fault. I was a fool to think I could ever be with some
one like Edward. I put you all at risk every day of breaking your commitment not
to take human life. I was hoping Edward would soon relent and change me into on
e of you, but now I see that he never wanted to be with me forever."
Jasper looked over at me, startled.
"Bella," he said quietly, "Edward loves you."
"He may have loved me for a while. I know he risked a lot for me, so I guess he
must have loved me at one point, but he didn't love me enough to want to spend e
ternity with me. In the end, he didn't want me."
Jasper looked at me as if I was speaking a different language. "What are you tal
king about, Bella?"
He seemed genuinely confused, so I explained. I told him about everything that h
appened just two days ago, when Edward told me of their plans. It was all so fre
sh in my mind that I was able to give him a word for word account. It was painfu
l, but somehow cathartic. Over the last two days I had been living the carefully
constructed lie, and it was good to be able to finally share the truth.
As I spoke, Jasper's face became more and more unreadable, blank. After I finish
ed, he said nothing and looked away. My initial feeling of relief at being able
to speak candidly faded rapidly as the silence stretched uncomfortably between u
s. He sat still in his armchair, his face void of all expression. His eyes were
open, but it was obvious his thoughts were far away.
Seconds turned into minutes. A quarter of an hour passed without a word, without
a sound other than my breathing. I started to feel like I was sharing a room wi
th a mannequin. I fidgeted in my seat, feeling uncomfortable, embarrassed and fo
olish. Another minute passed by and I had reached my limit. I stood up, needing
to leave this bizarre situation.
"Please don't go, Bella," his voice startled me. "I'm sorry I'm making you uncom
fortable. You have no reason to be embarrassed. Once again, I'm behaving inappro
priately." He spoke to me, but he still hadn't moved or looked at me. A mannequi
n turned robot.
Then he turned towards me and his eyes locked with mine. I couldn't look away. I
couldn't blink. His topaz eyes, so much like Edward's, held me completely capti
ve.
"I was trying to process everything you told me; trying to reconcile the things
Edward said to you with the things he told us; trying to understand what he was
thinking."
"Why," my voice sounded like a raspy croak through my dried throat. I swallowed,
and tried again. "Why do you need to reconcile things? How was what he told you
different than what he told me?"
Jasper sighed.
"It would be inappropriate for me to share what Edward told us. Suffice it to sa
y that, at the time, we felt leaving Forks without having contact with you would
 be in your best interest. Based on everything you just told me, that may have b
een a mistake."
His explanation cleared up nothing, yet the acknowledgement that maybe leaving w
ithout saying goodbye was a mistake was oddly comforting.
"Edward is complicated," Jasper continued, "the most complicated of all of us, e
xcept maybe Carlisle. I can't pretend to understand why he did what he did or wh
y he told you the things he did. In all the years that I've known him, he's disp
layed a very limited range of emotions, until he met you. When he met you it was
like the emotional floodgates opened, and he's been on a rollercoaster ever sin
ce. In many ways, he's like a teenager hitting puberty. There are too many thing
s going on that he is not familiar with. The confusion is worse for Edward becau
se he has always been so controlled. He's clearly not thinking straight and all
these new feelings may have driven him to do and say things he wouldn't otherwis
e say. But, Bella, I do know with every certainty that he truly loves you, more
than he's ever loved anyone before."
I choked back a sob. I know Jasper meant well and probably believed every word h
e had just said, but if he thought for a minute someone who loved me could have
done to me what Edward did a couple of days ago, then his definition of love dif
fered drastically from mine. Edward didn't love me. He may have been fascinated
by me. He may have been intrigued by his inability to read my thoughts. He may h
ave even enjoyed all the new feelings I inspired. But in the end, I was too much
trouble. He was tired of acting human. I wasn't good enough.
My torrent of emotions was making me hysterical. Then I felt a wave of calm wash
ing over me. Jasper!
"Please, don't," I said quietly, "I don't want to be manipulated." I felt the ca
lmness receding, but the hysteria did not come back. I guess I still had some se
lf-control.
He shifted forward to the edge of his chair. He leaned his upper body over his l
egs, resting his elbows on his knees, his hands clasped together, fingers intert
wined. The expression on his face was very serious and earnest.
"I see I'm not convincing you, Bella, so let me tell you something else. Even if
Edward isn't emotionally capable of handling your relationship, even if he trul
y believes the two of you should be apart, it has nothing to do with you. As I t
old you in Phoenix, you are very much good enough, very much worth the effort! Y
ou have great value! You're a beautiful, warm, smart, kind, compassionate young
woman. People naturally gravitate towards you – surely you must have noticed? You
deserve happiness and love in your life and if Edward is unwilling or unable to
give you that, then you're better off without him."
Tears pooled in my eyes and fell to my cheeks. What he said was so beautiful and
should have made me feel better, but all I could think was how it wasn't enough
. No matter what anyone else thought, I wasn't good enough to make Edward wasn't
to stay.
Jasper stood up. I could see he was fighting a battle between wanting to comfort
me and needing to keep his distance. I was making things difficult for him agai
n. I wiped the tears form my eyes with the back of my hand.
"Thanks, Jasper," I said, and meant it. Seeing him helped me get partial closure
. "I'd better get going." I turned and walked towards the door.
"Will you come back?" he asked.
I stopped and turned back to him.
"Do you want me to?" I was beyond surprised. This encounter couldn't have been a
ny more pleasant for him than it had been for me. Probably less, given the physi
cal discomfort he felt around me. And it's not like Jasper had ever wanted to sp
end a time with me before.
"No one other than you knows I'm here. I don't mind being alone, it's why I stay
ed behind, but it would be nice to talk to someone once in a while. Maybe once a
week? It wouldn't have to be more than that."
I thought about this. I could certainly understand wanting to talk with someone
every once in a while, but couldn't he just call Alice or Emmett or any other me
mber of his family? But maybe that wasn't an option? Maybe he had been lying to
me just like I had been lying to all my friends, and his seclusion wasn't volunt
ary at all. Was it possible that his family was so angry with him they had asked
him not to go with them? I really would not have imagined them capable of that
kind of punishment, but then I wouldn't have thought they would leave without sa
ying goodbye to me either, so how well did I really know the Cullens after all?
I felt awful. One stupid paper cut causing all this pain and loss. If only I had
taken more care when opening that gift . . . I forced myself to stop that train
of thought. Jasper was looking at me, still waiting for my answer.
Could I come back here to talk to him? What would I tell Charlie? It would have
to be after school, before Charlie came home, on a day I wasn't working. Given t
hese restrictions, I probably couldn't swing more than one visit per week even i
f I wanted to. And being here, once a week, for a few hours, well, it wasn't at
the top of my wish list but it wouldn't kill me either. Or would it? That last t
hought snuck in, another reminder of my last encounter with Jasper. No. No it wo
uld not. He said he was in control and he would not hurt me. He's more careful n
ow. He'll hunt before I come and we'll keep a safe distance from each other and
it will be fine. It's just talking. Like visiting someone at a hospital or nursi
ng home. I had to smile at the last thought. Given the difference in our real ag
es, it would sort of be like visiting someone in a nursing home. I guess I could
look at this as some sort of a community project – volunteering with the elderly.
That seemed a lot less threatening, and my decision was made.
"Okay, Jasper. I can come over next Thursday."
"Thank you. Your kindness is much appreciated."
Right. He even spoke like a grandfather. All formal!
"Sure. Now I really have to go," I started walking to the door again, but stoppe
d dead in my tracks after only a couple of steps. Charlie would surely be home b
y now, thinking I had been in Port Angeles, and I had never even left Forks. Wha
t in the world would I tell him? I didn't want to lie, but I couldn't very well
tell the truth either. Ugh! How did I always manage to make such a mess of thing
s?
"What's wrong, Bella?" Jasper asked.
I sighed, and explained about the note I left for Charlie and how I didn't want
to lie any more than I already had. Besides, I was a horrible liar, and much wor
se in person than on paper.
"I'll be right back," Jasper said. The cool breeze behind me let me know that he
had left the room at superhuman speed. He was back, standing in front of me, be
fore I could turn around. In his hands he held a shopping bag from the Port Ange
les department store.
"Alice purchased these but never wore them," he said. "They still have the tags
on. They should work as a prop to back up your story."
I took the bag and looked inside. The two tops were not Alice's size, and they w
ere both a shade of blue that Edward had liked me to wear. I swallowed hard. I h
ad a feeling the tags were left on the garments because they had never been inte
nded for Alice in the first place.
"Thanks, Japer," I said quietly. "I'll see you Thursday after school."
He opened the door for me and pressed himself flush to the wall as I passed.
"See you Thursday," he whispered.
I walked back to my truck, threw the bag in the passenger seat and started the e
ngine. Jasper was standing in the doorway watching me, illuminated by a thin sha
ft of light form the lamp in the living room. I knew he meant me no harm, but st
anding there, tall and lean, something about him screamed predator. I shivered i
nvoluntarily. Then I shifted the truck into gear and drove back home.
Chapter 5: Back to the Beach
As expected, Charlie's cruiser was parked in the driveway when I got home. I too
k a deep breath, reciting the story of shopping fun that I'd rehearsed on the dr
ive home. I hoped I could sound convincing!
I grabbed the bag and headed to the house. I could hear the TV on in the living
room.
"Hey, Dad," I called out.
"Hey, Bella. Did you have fun?"
I stood in the entry to the living room and held up the bag with a smile that I
hoped didn't look too forced. Amazingly, the prop worked to create the right imp
lication.
"Good. Got any plans for tomorrow?"
I was amazed that I was actually going to get away with the Port Angeles charade
. But I was also wary of the question.
"Not really," I said hesitantly. I wasn't sure what Charlie was up to and I want
ed to leave myself an out just in case.
"I'm going fishing with Billy and I thought you might want to come to La Push wi
th me. You know, hang out with Jake?"
I mulled this over for a bit. I wasn't sure Jake would want to hang out with me
all day, but a change in scenery might be a good thing. Anything was better than
sitting around this house by myself all day, pining for Edward.
"Sure. That'd be good."
"Great. We're leaving bright and early, so set your alarm! Want to watch the res
t of the game with me?" Charlie almost never suggested that I join him to watch
a game. It was as if he sensed that I didn't want to be alone in my room. Someti
mes he was more perceptive than I gave him credit for. Still, I wasn't sure whic
h option was less appealing – a miserable night in my room or an evening of baseba
ll. In the end, I chose my room.
"No thanks. Since we're getting up early tomorrow I think I'll go to bed."
"Good night, then,"
"Good night."
I was determined that tonight I would not cry myself to sleep. Instead of thinki
ng about Edward, I focused on my encounter with Jasper. Encounter. That was a go
od word. I thought of that movie, Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Sometimes
Jasper seemed totally alien to me. He barely ever spoke to me, but when he did h
e said such profound things. What had he called me earlier? "Beautiful, warm, sm
art, kind, compassionate young woman." I snorted. I was hardly beautiful. I supp
ose I was warm, but then compared to vampires any human being was warm. I might
have been inclined to give him the smart, if it wasn't for the fact that I chose
to get involved with a vampire Adonis, someone so far out of my league it had t
o be the most stupid thing any human being has ever done to think that the relat
ionship could last more than a few days, much less forever.
I turned over to my side and wondered again if Jasper was in Forks by choice or
if he had been forced to stay away from the Cullens. I really hoped his was a se
lf-imposed exile. But if he was here by choice, why ask me to come back to the h
ouse? None of it made any sense.
In the end, as much as I tried to avoid it, my thoughts returned to Edward. Once
again I heard all of the horrible things he had said to me. I curled up into a
ball as my tears fell again. Was I ever going to be able to fall asleep without
crying?
The next morning Charlie and I had a light breakfast before driving out to La Pu
sh. We took my truck to make it easier for Charlie to haul the fishing gear and
Billy's wheelchair, but he drove. I was just happy not to be seen in the police
cruiser.
I had my school bag with me for something to do, just in case Jake had other pla
ns while Billy and Charlie went fishing. With or without Jake, I was glad I agre
ed to go to La Push. It was the one place where Edward and I had never been able
to go together, so it remained untainted by any painful memories.
Soon we pulled up to Billy's house. The door opened almost immediately and Jake
wheeled Billy to the front yard.
"Hey, Bella," Jake said, smiling. He didn't seem surprised to see me. Charlie mu
st have called Billy this morning while I was in the shower to let him know I wa
s coming too.
"Hey Jacob, Billy," I said brightly. Jake's smile was infectious.
"Good to see you, Bella," Billy said. "About time you came out to visit."
I didn't respond. Billy knew very well why I hadn't been able to visit before. M
y ex-boyfriend, with whom I had spent all my time, wasn't welcome on the reserva
tion. He couldn't step foot past the border without breaking an ancient treaty.
Now that Edward was gone, there was no reason for me to stay away.
"You ready to head out, chief?" Billy asked Charlie.
"You bet, where's your gear?"
"I'll get it," Jake said as he ran to the stand-alone garage in the back of the
yard.
Charlie helped Billy into the truck and loaded his wheelchair in the back, then
added the fishing gear Jake brought back with him.
"All right, kids. We'll be back this afternoon. Have fun." Charlie said as he go
t behind the wheel. Soon the truck was gone and it was just Jake and me in the f
ront yard.
"Here, let me take that," Jake said, reaching for my book bag. "Are you hungry,
thirsty?"
"No," I shook my head, "we ate before we came."
"Okay. Well, come on in. I'll just grab a soda and we can figure out what to do
for the rest of the day."
He turned before I could respond and headed into the house. I followed. Being be
hind him gave me a chance to take a good look at him without being watched mysel
f. I noticed that he had grown since I last saw him. He was taller and more musc
ular. I knew he was still fifteen, but he sure didn't look it. He really looked
more like a young man now than a boy. With this new body, his beautiful, long ha
ir, his warm eyes and fabulous smile, I bet he was swatting off girls like flies
.
Wait, what? I stopped in my tracks. What in the world had made me think about Ja
ke and girls? I shook my head to clear it. My depression over Edward's leaving w
as clearly impacting my mental health.
"Coming?" I looked up to see Jake waiting, holding the front door open for me. I
felt a blush creeping across my cheeks. I quickened my pace and entered the hou
se. Jake tossed my book bag in the corner of the room and went to the kitchen. I
stayed in the living room, furiously hoping he hadn't seen the blush and that i
t would be gone by the time he came back. I never wanted to think about him, my
15-year-old family friend, that way again.
"So did you have anything in mind for today?" Jake yelled from the kitchen. I he
ard him opening and closing the fridge. He came back to the living room with two
cans of Coke, handing me one of them. I set it down on a side table.
"Still not thirsty," I said apologetically, "and I didn't have anything specific
in mind. I kind of made the decision to come at the last minute."
"Hmmm," he drained his Coke in a few gulps, then grabbed mine and drained it too
, just as quickly. "Well, we could stay here and watch TV, or we can go on a hik
e, or take a walk on the beach. That was fun the last time you were here!" He sm
iled and raised his eyebrows suggestively. Any hope of hiding my blush was lost
as I felt a new wave of redness wash over my face, remembering how I awkwardly t
ried to flirt with Jake last spring to get him to share some of his tribe's secr
et legends.
"The beach sounds good," I said. I figured we might as well take advantage of th
e nice weather while it was still here.
"Let's go then," he set down the empty can and grabbed my hand to pull me along.
Since we had all day, we decided to walk to the beach.
"What have you been doing since we last saw each other, besides growing?" I aske
d once we were on our way. I needed to get him talking before he could start ask
ing questions, which were bound to be awkward. Absolutely everything I could pos
sibly talk about involved Edward Cullen, and that was a subject I really wanted
to avoid.
"You noticed, huh?" Jake seemed pleased.
"I'm not blind. You've had quite the growth spurt."
Jake scowled a bit.
"Yeah, it's kind of a pain. I have to keep buying new clothes and shoes. Money t
hat would be better spent on car parts. But if you like what you see maybe it wa
s all worth it," he winked at me and I blushed again. Apparently Jake's self-con
fidence had grown along with his muscles. I ignored the innuendo.
"How is your car coming?" I asked instead.
"Not bad, considering. I'm hoping to be done with it by my 16th birthday so I ca
n drive it legally after I get my license."
"That's awesome, Jake," I was genuinely excited for him. "Good luck! I'll expect
to be one of the first passengers."
His face lit up.
"Seriously? You got it! It's a date!"
Oops. I hoped I didn't make a mistake there. Jake was a nice kid and a good frie
nd, but he was way too young for me even if I was inclined to date anyone, which
I definitely was not! Still, this was the kind of statement that would be bette
r left alone for now. No sense bringing down the mood. Besides, Jake probably ha
dn't meant it like that.
We finally reached the beach. It was more difficult for me to walk in the sand,
so we found a piece of driftwood that seemed designed for us to sit and talk.
"So, what's up with you?" He asked. I looked down at my shoes, digging a hole in
the sand.
"Not much," I said noncommittally, just in case his question wasn't as pointed a
s I suspected it was.
"I heard your boyfriend and his family left town," apparently Jake couldn't take
a hint.
"Yeah. I guess news travels fast. Billy must be happy. He doesn't have to watch
me anymore."
Jake laughed, both of us remembering that awkward conversation at prom.
"Dad has issues. He's so superstitious, believing in those old stories! But you'
re right – he was happy. Are you OK, though? You seemed really into him," his voic
e was wistful, as if he hoped I would deny it. I shrugged.
"I'll survive." I said, still looking down at the sand.
I felt Jake's arm sneak around my and pull me closer to him. With anyone else I
would have resisted, but with Jake it felt right – just a comforting hug from a fr
iend. We sat together for a long time without speaking before he finally broke t
he silence.
"Hate to see you hurting, Bella."
I sighed.
"It's no treat for me either, believe me. But I'm sure I'll get over it in time.
I just wish I knew what happened. One day he loved me and the next he was telli
ng me I wasn't good enough for him." Did I really just say that out loud? Ugh! W
hat was it about Jake that made me confess my darkest secrets?
"What?" Jake pulled away and pulled my face up to look at him. "Are you kidding
me? That scuzzball actually had the nerve to say you weren't good enough for him
? Man, I wish he was still in town. I'd love to punch his lights out!" He cracke
d his knuckles in what I'm sure was intended as a threatening manner. Of course,
I knew Jake could never come close to actually hurting Edward, he with his supe
rhuman strength and rock-like body, not to mention his speed and ability to fend
off attacks simply by reading his opponents' minds. I was glad Edward wasn't ar
ound. No confrontation between him and Jake could end well for my La Push friend
. Still, I was flattered by the sentiment.
"Thanks, Jake. I really appreciate the thought. But he's long gone and violence
is not the answer anyway. Besides, you'd mess up my cunning plan. I think I mana
ged to convince Charlie and everyone at school that our break-up was mutual. So
mum's the word on what I told you today, OK?"
"Sure, sure," Jake said, though he still looked like he was looking for a fight.
I needed to distract him, so I stood up and suggested we go back to his house t
o grab lunch and do some homework.
The rest of the day with Jake was great. He was so easy to get along with and we
spent time finishing our homework before we went to the garage where we talked
while he worked on his car. We talked about his sisters, about Renee, about his
friends on the reservation. Without even trying he re-oriented my thoughts away
from anything connected with Edward. For a few hours Edward's prediction had com
e true – it was as if he'd never existed.
When Charlie and Billy came back we all had dinner together and then we watched
a game on TV. I wasn't really into the game, of course, but I enjoyed the evenin
g nevertheless. For some strange reason it felt like a family holiday, like Than
ksgiving. I realized that Billy and Jacob were an extension of our family. They
cared about me just as much as Charlie did. Billy had even tried to warn me abou
t Edward. I knew he had been worried about worse pain than the one I felt now, b
ut I couldn't help thinking that had I only listened to his advice last May, thi
ngs might be very different now. As it was, now that Edward was out of the pictu
re, we could all hang out together more frequently. The thought made me really h
appy!
Of course, as I suspected, those great feelings I had at Billy's house couldn't
last forever. As soon as we came back home and I was in my room, alone, all of t
he feelings of inadequacy and abandonment came rushing back in. I tried to chang
e my mood by listening to loud, obnoxious music, but the volume couldn't drown o
ut my self-doubt. I'd never known my body could produce so many tears, but I wep
t the same way I had that very first night.
Chapter 6: Training
The next few days passed much in the same way. I tried to spend as little time a
s possible in my bedroom, which never failed to make me feel sad. Otherwise, I j
ust did my chores and homework, went to school and work, and generally tried to
keep up my false front.
I was super grateful to Angela. When I told her about my Mike problem, she quick
ly solicited Ben's help and, between the two of them, there was absolutely never
a time I was alone at school. When I wasn't working I did homework with Angela
and Ben too. I felt awful intruding on all their alone time together, but Angela
assured me it was fine and that she knew I would have done the same for her if
our roles were reversed. Ben seemed happy to do whatever Angela wanted, so I wen
t along selfishly, knowing this was exactly what I needed to keep me from thinki
ng about Edward.
Angela couldn't help me at work, but it was still the busy season, so I managed
to avoid spending time alone with Mike. Sometimes I could see his frustration an
d I felt badly for working so hard on foiling his plans. Mike was a good guy and
he made me laugh, but I simply was not ready right now to consider him as anyth
ing more than a friend. So while I was working I was the world's most attentive
employee to all the customers and I made sure to leave as soon as my shifts were
over, leaving no time for dangerous chit-chat.
As the week wore on and Thursday was closer and closer, my level of nervousness
increased. I was angry with myself for agreeing to see Jasper. Though I still cr
ied myself to sleep nightly, I felt that I was making a bit of progress and I wo
rried that seeing him and being in his house would bring back all sorts of unwel
come memories. Still, I made a promise, and I owed it to him to at least make an
effort once. If it turned out really badly I would simply tell him that I could
n't come back.
School really dragged on Thursday, giving me lots of time to get worked up about
seeing Jasper. I remembered how uncomfortable I felt the last time I saw him an
d how little we had in common. I really didn't know him at all. Other than those
few days in Phoenix last spring, we barely even spoke to one another. He had al
ways been polite with me, but also a bit withdrawn. I always had this feeling th
at he was tolerating my presence to make Alice happy. To me, that was his single
redeeming value. However he acted towards me, I knew that his universe revolved
around keeping Alice safe and happy, and that counted for something.
At lunch I let Angela and Ben know that I would not be joining them after school
. Angela looked at me quizzically, but she must have seen something in my face t
hat made her accept my decision without protest. Ben couldn't quite hide his exc
itement at the prospect of an afternoon alone with Angela, which made me happier
about my decision.
After school I gathered up my books and headed out to my truck. I gave myself on
e last mental pep-talk before driving out to Jasper's house.
The front door opened as I was pulling up the drive, and Jasper walked out onto
the porch. He wasn't smiling, exactly, but there was something in his face that
made him look just a little more welcoming than last Friday. He was wearing a li
ght blue denim shirt tucked into a pair of black jeans and the outfit somehow ma
de him look younger, more relaxed. He definitely doesn't look like grandpa Jaspe
r, I thought, and giggled. As if in response, his face broke into a grin. Drat.
I knew he couldn't read my mind, but his ability to read my emotions was almost
worse. It was as if he could see right into my soul.
I parked the truck, turned off the engine, and got out.
"Hey, Jasper," I called, a bit of apprehension returning. His grin faltered.
"Hey, Bella," he responded, "Glad you were able to make it. Come on in."
As before, he entered the house well ahead of me, leaving that safety zone betwe
en us. I followed and closed the door behind me.
Inside, I was surprised to see the living room shades lifted.
"Isn't that a little dangerous?"
His eyebrow lifted in silent question.
"I just mean, aren't you worried that someone will see that you're here?"
"Not really," he said easily, "I can sense it if anyone is around and hide fairl
y quickly. Besides, even if someone saw me, I'm an adult living in my parents' h
ome. Nothing to cause anyone concern."
"The truth is," he continued, "the curtains were there to keep just one person f
rom seeing inside – you. Once I made my decision to let you know I was here, they
became superfluous."
I considered this for a moment. So there was a time when he wasn't certain he wo
uld let me know he was in here. I wondered how he made his decision, but this di
dn't seem like the right time to ask.
"Are you hungry or thirsty?" he asked. "I didn't want you to be uncomfortable so
I got some human food." I followed his gaze to the kitchen, where the counter w
as stocked with a variety of beverages and snacks.
"What did you do, hold up a 7-11? There's enough food here to feed a football te
am."
He looked sheepish.
"I didn't know what you liked so I wanted to get a good selection."
I walked to the kitchen and looked through his purchases, grabbing a can of soda
and a small bag of chips.
"Thanks, Jasper," I smiled, "This was really thoughtful."
He returned my smile with relief and pleasure, causing my smile to widened. It w
as so cute how he went out of his way to make sure I was comfortable. And when h
e smiled he really looked different – kind of carefree. I found myself liking this
happy Jasper.
Then a thought struck me.
"Wait a second. Did you go shopping for all this in Forks?"
If he was seen around Forks my father would undoubtedly hear about it, not to me
ntion Jessica and her mother, and there would be all sorts of questions. It coul
d make things really messy!
"No," he answered quickly, sensing the direction of my thoughts. "I went to Port
Angeles."
"Oh. You really didn't have to do that for me."
"I wanted to. Plus the trip was part of my new training."
"Training?"
"Yeah . . . Would you like to sit?"
I pulled out one of the kitchen bar counter stools and settled in. I opened my s
oda and chips and had some of each. Jasper stood towards the other end of the ki
tchen.
"You were going to tell me about the training."
I wasn't about to get distracted. He looked a bit uncomfortable.
"I decided to work on improving my ability to interact with humans."
I heard him, but I didn't understand.
"You interacted with humans every day when you were in high school."
"That was different. At school I was always with my family and they monitored my
behavior," his tone left no doubt that he resented being monitored. As if reali
zing he revealed too much, he quickly continued, "It was a great help. Between E
dward and Alice's powers I always knew when to avoid particularly dangerous or t
empting situations, and Emmet could always step in if things went really wrong.
. ."
Like at the birthday party, I thought. I saw him look down and then back up at m
e and I knew his thoughts just echoed mine.
"But because the others are always around, it's been a long time since I've had
any interactions with humans as an individual. So when everyone else left I deci
ded to stay behind and see if I could handle human contact on my own," his eyes
searched my face for understanding and I gladly gave it. I knew exactly how he f
elt.
"Edward always tried to shelter me as well. It was fine at first, flattering eve
n. And let's face it, I am a disaster magnet, so some sheltering is not a bad th
ing. But it was also a bit stifling at times, especially when he overreacted. My
dad used to say 'you'll never really learn how to ride a bike until the trainin
g wheels come off.' It's kind of like that. We can't learn if we're not allowed
to make mistakes."
There was genuine relief on his face.
"It's not that I don't understand why they do it," he said. "In my case a mistak
e would be fatal, at least for the human, and it would obviously have repercussi
ons for our family."
"Sure. I get that. Fortunately my mistakes only seem to bring harm to me, so it'
s easier to argue for letting me make them, but still . . ."
"Exactly!"
We were both silent for a while.
"Do they know you're in training?" I asked, then immediately felt foolish.
"Alice probably had some visions, but we're deliberately not in contact. Though
I'm sure she would let me know if she saw something really terrible happen."
Of course Alice would have seen it all. Which means that the training will be a
success! I wondered how long it would take for the training to be over for Jaspe
r to return to the rest of the Cullens. I pushed that thought aside. I didn't re
ally want to dwell on the fact that he was only here temporarily. He could never
replace the empty hole left by Edward, but he was a member of Edward's family,
a family I once hoped would become my family as well, and this was better than b
eing completely alone.
"So what exactly does your training involve?" I asked, curiously.
He pulled the fingers of his right hand through his hair to get it out of his ey
es and leaned back against the kitchen counter. I knew the mannerisms were for m
y benefit – it's not like he ever needed to change positions to be comfortable- bu
t I appreciated him signaling to me that he was quite relaxed.
"I thought I'd start with hunting daily and spending some time in public in Port
Angeles. I went to the store," he gestured towards the snacks on the counter, "
and to the library. The library was much easier – fewer people, calmer emotions an
d more distractions."
"So you were able to hang out in Port Angeles without any slip-ups or urges?"
"Not exactly."
My head shot up in alarm.
"I mean, there were no slip ups," I relaxed a little, "but there were definitely
urges. Fortunately I wasn't thirsty, so I was able to stay in control. But I'm
afraid my plan is going to take some time. As I go on I hope to build up my tole
rance and go to busier places for longer periods of time. It won't happen overni
ght, but it will happen." He was absolutely determined.
"It sounds like a good plan," I said. I ate some more chips and drank more soda.
"So am I part of the training too?"
He smiled again.
"Sort of. Interacting with you one on one in close proximity is good training, b
ut mostly I just wanted to get to know you better, as a friend."
I finished my chips and soda and pulled away from the counter to find the trash
can. As soon as I closed the distance between us he stiffened and pulled himself
up away from the counter, ready to spring in the opposite direction. I froze, u
nderstanding that I breached some invisible boundary, placing both of us in dang
er.
We eyed each other wearily for a moment and I started to feel ridiculous. This w
as Jasper. He wouldn't hurt me. I just got too close and made him feel uncomfort
able. No problem. I was used to dealing with this every time I got too close to
Edward. Granted, the "safety zone" with Edward had been a lot smaller, but he ha
d a lot of time to get used to being close to me. In any case, I knew exactly wh
at I had to do. I just needed to re-establish the original zone and keep going.
"Right. I'm just going to set these here," I reached to the kitchen counter behi
nd me and deposited the empty can and bag there, "and we can throw them away lat
er." I re-traced my steps backwards, keeping my eyes locked with Jasper's, hopin
g I wouldn't trip over something on my way back to my seat. The whole thing felt
like a weird ritual dance. Miraculously, I managed to stay upright and settled
back on the stool. Jasper relaxed and leaned back against the counter. Everythin
g was as if I hadn't moved at all.
"Oops," I said apologetically, "I didn't mean to make you test your self-control
like that. I'm sorry."
"You don't have to apologize, Bella. I was fine. I just didn't want you to be un
comfortable."
I guess great minds really did think alike.
"Let's just forget it happened, OK? Can I ask you a question? Please don't be of
fended, but why do you want to be friends with me now? I never got the impressio
n that you were particularly interested in being friends with me before."
He grimaced.
"Did anyone ever tell you that for a human with no special powers you're entirel
y too perceptive."
I laughed.
"Sorry, Jasper, but I don't think I need superpowers or even be particularly per
ceptive to notice that you never asked me any questions or spoke to me or even w
anted to be in the same room with me. I mean, everyone else seemed to like me, e
xcept Rosalie and you. I kind of figured out why Rosalie hated me, but I never k
new with you. Was it because I tricked you in Phoenix?"
As soon as the words came out I cringed internally. Why did I have to bring up t
hat whole episode. What a downer. Way to kill a good conversation, Bella. Fortun
ately, Jasper didn't seem as inclined as Edward to brood every time I mentioned
anything even remotely related to James and Phoenix.
"It's not that I wasn't interested in being your friend. It's just that for me r
eal friendship always develops like this, through one-on-one conversations where
you can really get to know someone. I knew that Edward and Alice were way overp
rotective and would never let me be alone with you. They would be much too afrai
d for your safety. So it was easier to convince myself that I wasn't interested
in you at all, on any level, and to stay away from you altogether. That way no o
ne had to watch me to make sure I didn't misbehave.
"But I think that was a mistake," he continued. "Staying away from you actually
made me more of a danger to you. I simply wasn't as used to your scent and the s
ound of your heart and blood. That probably explains in part why my reaction to
your paper cut was so much stronger than that of the others."
I nodded in understanding and agreement. I was sure he was right on this point.
"So now, without Alice and Edward around, we can try to be friends?"
He nodded.
"Assuming you want to, of course."
"I think I would like that very much."
Chapter 7: Friendship
Once we established that we both wanted to be friends, the rest came easily. Jas
per started asking me questions about my life before coming to Forks and I found
myself telling him practically my whole life story. He was a good listener, ref
raining from interrupting, letting the story unfold on its own. I was reminded o
f the time Edward and I started to get to know each other, the endless stream of
questions where I felt like a subject of a psychology experiment. This was tota
lly different, much more comfortable. I wasn't worried at all about saying the w
rong thing. I guessed it was because I wasn't in love with Jasper, and didn't fe
el like I had to impress him or measure up to some standard.
I had just started telling Jasper about how Renee and Phil met when my eyes fell
on the clock. I panicked. It was so late! Talking with Jasper was so enjoyable
I completely lost all track of time, and now I would barely have enough time to
get home and heat up leftovers for Charlie. Jasper sensed the change in my emoti
ons."
"Are you OK?" he asked, knowing I wasn't.
"It's really late. I have to go."
His face clouded over as he looked at the clock.
"I'm sorry Jasper, but I really can't tell Charlie that you're back and I'm spen
ding time here with you. He wouldn't understand. And I don't want to lie to him,
so I have to get home before he does."
I scrambled off the stool and walked quickly to the door.
"Will you come back next week?" I heard him ask. He was trying to sound casual,
but there was a hint of anxiety in his voice as well, as if he expected me to sa
y no.
"I'll be back, Jasper." I yelled over my shoulder, running to my truck. I hated
to leave so abruptly, but there was no time to waste. As it was I was going to b
e pushing my truck to the limit to beat Charlie home.
I was lucky. Charlie was delayed at work so I had enough time to prepare dinner
and didn't have to explain anything. After dinner I cleaned up and pulled out my
books, settling down at the kitchen table to do my homework while Charlie watch
ed TV in the living room. After a great afternoon with Jasper, I really did not
want to go up to my depressing room.
Charlie came into the kitchen to grab a beer and looked at me funny, but didn't
say anything or ask any questions.
I was done with my homework by 8 – too early to go to bed even if I hadn't minded
going upstairs. I chopped up some vegetables for a stew I was going to cook tomo
rrow and wondered what to do next. Completely out of ideas, I went to the living
room and joined Charlie on the couch. After a moment I moved closer to him and
leaned my head on his shoulder. He looked at me in surprise.
"Everything all right, Bella?" he asked.
"Yeah, Dad. It's just . . ." I hesitated. How much could I tell him before he gu
essed the truth? I decided to risk it. "I miss him." It was weird to talk about
this with Charlie, but it was strangely comforting too.
"Do you want to give him a call? Don't worry about the long distance charges . .
."
I shook my head vehemently.
"No!" I said, maybe a little too strongly. "I don't want to call him." And he de
finitely does not want to hear from me.
"Okay, Bells. I just wanted you to know you could."
"Thanks."
After a few minutes of silence, Charlie tried again.
"What about this dating other people? Maybe that would help?"
I looked at him glumly.
"Not ready, yet, huh?" I shook my head
He put his arm around my shoulder and hugged me to him. I didn't shift away from
him, enjoying the physical contact. I realized that he, of all people, knew exa
ctly what it was like to be left behind by someone he loved. As if sensing my th
oughts, Charlie said.
"It does get easier, Bells. Just give it some time."
I nodded mutely. I knew he was right. He spoke from experience, after all. But i
t didn't make it any less painful. Even though he had hurt me so badly, I was st
ill in love with Edward Cullen, and I hated myself for it. I wanted to be strong
er than that. I wanted to be able to forget him as he had clearly forgotten me.
But my heart betrayed me. How would I ever be able to trust it again?
And then I realized that maybe I never would. Maybe I was exactly like my dad, w
ho had never gotten over his one true love. My mother had left him, saying horri
ble things to him, then went on to date and eventually marry another man, and ye
t he still loved her and wasn't able to move on. What if that was my destiny as
well? Forever pining for the perfect man I fell in love with, who felt I wasn't
good enough for him. Only the fact that Charlie was sitting next to me helped me
keep my composure.
We sat together watching TV all night. Finally, when the news was over, Charlie
stood up.
"Time for bed, Bells. It's a school night."
I didn't want to go to bed. I already knew how that was going to end and I was n
ot eager to repeat the experience.
"I'll stay up a little longer, Dad," I said. There's someone on Letterman that I
really want to see."
Charlie looked skeptical, but in the end he didn't argue.
"All right, but make sure you get enough rest."
"Definitely," I said.
I wasn't at all interested in the TV program, but I kept it on to keep up the pr
etense. Instead of watching, I went over my afternoon visit with Jasper. It was
nothing like I had expected it to be and I was shocked to find that I actually h
ad a good time. Surprisingly, it was almost as easy to talk with him as with Jak
e and maybe even easier, because Jasper knew all about Edward and vampires. I di
dn't have to hide anything from him. To think that we could have become friends
long ago and had this great rapport the whole time Edward and I were dating. I f
ound myself angry with Alice and Edward for being so overprotective. Maybe if th
ey'd had more confidence in Jasper, all this nonsense with the paper cut could h
ave been avoided and we all would still be together.
I was tired and was having a hard time keeping my eyes open. But I definitely di
d not want to go upstairs to cry. I grabbed a blanket from the back of the couch
and draped it over me, resting my head on a pillow. My eyelids felt heavier and
heavier as I struggled to pay attention to the actor being interviewed on the s
how. At some point, my battle with my eyelids was lost, and I drifted off to sle
ep, no tears in sight!
The next morning I woke up to Charlie gently shaking my shoulder.
"Time to get ready for school, Bella," he said.
I was still tired and groggy, but I roused myself enough to make it to the upsta
irs bathroom. The shower woke me up completely and soon I was ready to go. I qui
ckly put a hunk of meat into the slow cooker, along with the vegetables I had cu
t the night before. Way to go, Bella, you must have some fortune teller in you!
I had to work tonight, but this way dinner would be ready when Charlie came home
. There wasn't enough time left for breakfast, so I grabbed a granola bar and he
aded off to school.
My morning classes passed quickly and before I knew it I was walking with Ben an
d Angela to the cafeteria. We sat at our usual table filled with the rest of our
friends. Everyone was excitedly talking about their weekend plans, but I tuned
them out. I kept thinking about my afternoon yesterday with Jasper, how much fun
it had been and how I hated to wait a whole week before seeing him again. I was
so lost in thought that when I saw the faces of my friends looking at me expect
antly, waiting for an answer, instead of asking them to repeat the question I ju
st said, "Sure." The look of disbelief on Angela's face instantly alarmed me. Oh
ho, Bella, what mess did you get yourself into now?
I couldn't very well ask Angela at the lunch table, but as soon as the bell rang
I pulled her over to the side.
"What, Angela? What did I just agree to?"
"You mean you don't know? You just answered even though you weren't paying atten
tion? That wasn't very smart." Angela's disapproval was all too obvious.
"I know, but I was lost in thought and I didn't want people to ask me what I had
been thinking. I didn't think it was anything important."
"It's not important, really. You just agreed to see a movie Saturday night with
Jessica, Lauren, Tyler, Eric and Mike."
I groaned. She couldn't be serious, yet I saw in her face that she very much was
.
"Oh, Angela, this is a disaster!"
"I figured you might feel that way. I was all set to feed you an excuse, but the
n you just answered and there was nothing I could do."
"Thanks for trying to look out for me. It's not your fault I'm such an idiot. I
guess I just have to live with the consequences. Did they decide on what movie?"
Angela named the title and explained that it was a romantic comedy. I groaned. T
his was getting worse and worse!
"Well," I said dejectedly, "What's done is done. I guess I have until tomorrow n
ight to figure out how to deal with this. For now we'd better get to class befor
e we're both late."
I walked into the class just as the bell rang, earning a disapproving glance fro
m the teacher. I slid into my seat, took out my book and notebook, and concentra
ted on not looking around. I pulled my hair down around my face like a curtain t
o further separate myself away from the other students. Mike was in this class a
nd I suspected right now he would have a silly grin on his face that would only
make me feel worse.
This had been such a monumental mistake on my part. How could I let it happen af
ter all these days of being so careful? At least it was a group outing and not a
date, but considering the people involved I knew I would be miserable. Lauren h
ad always hated me and Tyler had never forgiven me for what happened at last yea
r's prom, even though none of that was my fault. Eric was pretty harmless on his
own, but he tended to follow Tyler's lead and Jessica would most likely be mad
at me for being paired up with her ex. That left exactly one person in my corner
for the night, Mike, and that was the last person I wanted there. I knew he wou
ld be polite, funny, nice, that he would step up to defend me if any of the othe
r four tried to say anything to hurt my feelings, and I also knew that he would
place much more significance on this outing than the rest of us would, possibly
seeing it as a first step to a new level of relationship with me. I groaned. I n
eeded to talk to someone about all this, to figure out what to do. I really need
ed a friend, a guy friend, who would give me a different perspective; teach me h
ow to walk that fine line where I could be friendly but not encouraging. I had c
learly failed last year with Tyler, so I knew I needed help.
I briefly considered driving out to La Push to talk to Jake, but he was too youn
g and inexperienced. Talking to Ben was out of the question – he was close with th
e rest to the guys and I couldn't afford of that type of a conversation to get b
ack to them. Jasper might have been helpful, but I wasn't going to see him until
next week when it was too late.
The bell rang and I realized I had been lost in my thoughts the entire class per
iod. Terrific! Now I would need to borrow notes and find out the homework assign
ment from someone. At least that part would be easy, since Ben was in the class
with me. I made a mental note to call him tomorrow.
For the rest of the afternoon I made sure I paid attention in class. I couldn't
help but notice, more than once, that I had been right about Mike. In every clas
s we had together his face was fixed with a permanent smile, and he kept trying
to catch my eye. When our eyes did meet once, he winked at me, causing me to loo
k away instantly and a blush to spread to my cheeks. Great. That would only rein
force his wrong impression.
Of course, I knew that the worst was still to come. A Friday evening shift at th
e Newton's store. Even during a busy season Fridays were pretty light. Most of t
hose inclined to buy outdoors gear would already be out enjoying the weekend. I
would have to be extra creative to avoid Mike.
For once my luck held. The store was slow, really slow, and Mike's mom was worki
ng. Mrs. Newton may not have looked like she belonged in an outdoor outfitter st
ore, but she watched the bottom like line a hawk. As soon as she realized how li
ght the customer traffic was, she offered to let me have the night off. Ordinari
ly my need to add to my college fund would have overridden my desire for a free
evening, but today all I wanted was to get out of having to spend time alone wit
h Mike. He looked absolutely crestfallen as I took his mother up on her offer an
d made a beeline for my truck.
I started driving without thinking, and it took me a couple of minutes to realiz
e that I wasn't on my way home. Instead, I found myself pulling off the road ont
o the drive that most people passed by without noticing, and driving up to the C
ullen house.
I put my truck in park, but didn't get out. I wasn't sure what to do next. I had
n't called ahead and Jasper wasn't expecting me today. What if he wasn't home? W
hat if he was home, but didn't want to see me? What if he hadn't hunted? Indecis
ion was gnawing at my insides. I should have just gone home.
But you didn't go home, Bella, I silently argued with myself. You're here, so yo
u might as well try to see him. What's the worst that can happen? I made sure I
didn't answer that last question. The worst that could happen was no longer a po
ssibility, I hoped.
I turned off the ignition and opened the door. As if on cue, the front door to t
he home opened as well.
"Bella," Jasper said, "I'm glad you decided to stay."
Chapter 8: Advice
Jasper looked genuinely happy to see me and I realized I was thrilled to see him
. Was it possible that we had only agreed to try to be friends yesterday? I felt
like I was visiting someone I had known forever.
I practically ran to the house, causing Jasper to laugh out loud.
"Miss me that much, huh?" he teased. I noticed in passing that for once he didn'
t go into the house first and he didn't shrink away from me when I passed him on
the way in.
"As a matter of fact I did," I said, surprising him and myself. "But don't get a
big head," I quickly added. "It's just you're the only person I don't have to l
ie to and this is the only place I can really be myself. Plus, I need your advic
e."
I turned back to look at him and noticed that he still left a few feet between u
s. It was a smaller distance than yesterday, though, so he was clearly making pr
ogress. I was really happy for him, knowing how much he needed to prove that he
could exercise sufficient self-control on his own.
His face was full of curiosity and he looked like he was about to ask a question
when we both heard my stomach growl loudly. I suddenly remembered how little I
ate at lunch as I was day dreaming about my last visit with him. The thought abs
olutely mortified me, and I felt my entire face flush with embarrassment.
"Snack time for the human?" he asked. My head snapped up in shock. It was the ph
rasing that Edward had used all the time, and it brought a sudden flash of pain.
I couldn't blame Jasper, though. He must have simply been repeating the words h
e heard Edward use and didn't realize the impact they would have on me.
"I guess so," I replied slowly and looked accusingly at my stomach, as if it was
its fault I hadn't eaten properly today. "Sorry."
"It's no problem, Bella. Hunger is a natural need for all of us. Help yourself,"
he motioned towards the junk food smorgasbord in the kitchen. I noticed that th
e brand of soda and chips I chose the previous day had been re-stocked.
"You went shopping again?"
He nodded.
"You didn't have to do that for me, Jasper. All the other stuff is fine."
"I don't mind, Bella. Besides, it's part of the training, remember?"
I did remember, but some part of me wanted to believe that he went back to the s
tore to do something nice for me, not just to test his tolerance of humans.
I didn't like the vain direction of my thoughts, and I needed to get to the reas
on I came over in the first place, so I grabbed the soda and chips and headed fo
r the living room. The subject of the conversation would be awkward enough, so I
might as well make myself as comfy as I possibly could. Jasper followed me. Thi
s time, however, he didn't sit in the chair on the other side of the room. Inste
ad, he gracefully folded himself into a cross legged sitting position on the flo
or, a few feet away from the sofa where I had settled down.
"So what brings you here? I thought you were working tonight?" he asked while I
ate my chips and drank the soda. I scrunched up my face in confusion. I didn't r
emember telling him that I was working tonight, but then my memory was human and
, by definition, imperfect. Maybe I had mentioned something yesterday, not that
it really mattered.
"It was slow, so Mrs. Newton offered me a night off, and I really needed to talk
to you, so I took her up on her offer."
It was his turn to look confused.
"You really needed to talk to me? What about?" he was slightly concerned.
"Well, I did something really dumb today and now I have a big problem and I need
some advice on how to handle it."
He continued to look puzzled.
"You did something dumb? Something human?"
I nodded. He continued to look perplexed.
"Let's see if I understand. This is a human problem?"
"Yup."
"And you need my advice?"
"A-ha."
"But Bella, you know I don't really do well with humans. I'm the last person on
earth you should go to for advice on human matters."
I sighed.
"I'll admit you're not the ideal person for this, but I really need a guy's pers
pective."
The change in his demeanor was very subtle, almost imperceptible, but I could sw
ear I saw him tense up a bit.
"Why would you need advice from a guy's perspective?" he asked suspiciously.
I couldn't expect him to help without knowing what happened, so I explained abou
t being distracted at lunch and how I agreed to go to the movies with Mike witho
ut realizing what I was doing. I omitted the cause of the distraction, as that w
as hardly relevant.
"So," he said slowly," you're going on a date with Mike Newton?" his voice was l
ow and not at all friendly. "Isn't that a little too soon?"
Okay, so maybe seeking dating advice form my ex-boyfriend's brother was not the
best idea I ever had, but why did Jasper sound so mad? I didn't break up with Ed
ward – he's the one who didn't want me. And beside, it's not like I wanted to go o
ut with Mike – I was a victim of my perpetual bad luck! There was absolutely no re
ason for the guilt that flooded my system upon hearing his words.
"It's not like that," I snapped. "It's not a date, exactly. More like a group ou
ting to a movie. We're going with Lauren, Tyler, Eric and Jessica."
Again I sensed that nearly imperceptible shift in his demeanor, easing the tensi
on I saw earlier. It reappeared just as quickly as it left.
"So if it's not a date, what's the problem? Why do you need guy advice?"
"It's not a date to me, but I have this bad feeling that Mike would like it to b
e."
"Yes," Jasper said quietly, "I'm sure you're right. He's wanted that from the fi
rst moment he laid eyes on you."
I looked at him sharply. I could only imagine what he had been able to feel from
Mike that day and all the rest of my junior year. Of course even I, a non-empat
h, knew Mike had liked me from the very start and had always hoped he could be m
ore than a friend.
"I know," I said, sadly, "But I never, ever did anything to encourage it. I made
sure to never do anything that would make me look like more than a friend. And
he has been a good friend throughout, even when I was dating Edward. So I really
don't want to hurt him. I just don't know how to make it clear to him that I'm
not ready for anything more right now."
I saw another lightning flash of something across Jasper's face; something like
disappointment or maybe pain? Before I could identify it, it was gone.
"So how about it? Got any advice? How can I let a guy know that I like him as a
friend, but nothing more, without crushing his ego and bruising that friendship?
"
I could see he was concentrating now. Probably scanning his endless memory banks
for a similar situation, something that would be helpful. I watched as his frow
n became deeper and deeper, until he finally looked directly into my eyes.
"I'm so sorry, Bella. I wish I could help. I've never had to do what you're goin
g to do. I've been with Alice for so long and before her . . . let's just say be
fore Alice I didn't have any reason to let anyone down gently."
I let out a breath I didn't realize I'd been holding. What he said made perfect
sense, but I was still disappointed. I don't know why I had been so certain that
Jasper would be able to tell me exactly what to do. Clearly, though, this was n
ot the right subject for him to advise on. The only consolation was that there r
eally wasn't anyone else who would have fit the bill any better. I was on my own
.
"I suppose," he continued, and I looked at him in surprise, "that you have to ma
ke sure you stay as far away from him as you can physically. I imagine his hormo
nes will be raging after such a prolonged period of latent attraction, and it wi
ll make it hard for him to keep his hands off you."
I gasped. Whatever else he was or wasn't, Mike was a gentleman. He would never .
. .
"Relax, Bella. You don't need to defend his character. I didn't mean it like tha
t. I know he would never do anything against your will, but he may try something
without asking. Nothing too excessive or out of norm – probably just a kiss. But
that would make you uncomfortable and if you rejected him it would crush him, so
it's best not to even give him the opportunity to try."
"Um, OK. Keep a safe distance from Mike so there's no chance of kissing. Check.
Got any other ideas?"
"Sometimes you can disrupt a couples dynamic if you add another person into the
mix. Is that a possibility? Could you invite someone else to go with you, to mak
e the whole thing feel less like a triple date and more like a group?"
I bit my lip anxiously. Jasper was on to something with this last idea. Inviting
someone else might work, but who?
"I could go with you, if you'd like," he offered, as if reading my mind. "In add
ition to changing the dynamic I could calm Mike down if I felt him getting too .
. . amorous."
I couldn't suppress a smile at Jasper's choice of words. I figured I knew what o
ther adjectives he had considered and rejected until he settles on the more neut
ral choice.
I thought about Jasper's offer. It made sense to have him with us. His power cou
ld indeed prove quite useful. But was he ready for that kind of human exposure?
He had only been training for a little while. He still didn't even feel comforta
ble enough to sit next to me and we were going out tomorrow night. What if he co
uldn't handle it? What if someone got hurt? No, it was better to endure an actua
l date with Mike than to take that kind of risk with Jasper's newfound resolve.
"No," I shook my head. "I don't think that would work. It would be too hard to e
xplain your return to Forks without your family. And it would start too many que
stions about Edward."
I kept thinking, but no one else came to mind. The only other people I could thi
nk of were Ben and Angela, and while I would have loved to have them along, they
came as a couple, so they would do nothing to disrupt the date dynamic. In fact
, as in love as they were with one another, they would probably make things wors
e.
"Short of asking Charlie, I can't think of anyone to invite tomorrow. Good idea,
Jasper, but I'm afraid it won't work."
We were both silent for a while as we tried to think of other ideas. Finally he
spoke.
"You could tell him the truth, Bella. Explain that you're not over Edward and th
at you need more time. Newton's a good kid and he's very protective of you. He w
ould understand."
He made it sound so simple, but it wasn't. First, it would require me to admit t
o one of my friends that I had lied about being OK with the break-up and I wasn'
t sure if I could make myself that vulnerable. Second, my friendship with Mike w
as not the same as my friendship with Jasper, so I wasn't even sure I could talk
to him about Edward without causing supreme awkwardness for us both.
"Maybe," I allowed, not wanting to reject the suggestion outright. "I'll have to
see how it goes." My stomach complained again, loudly, and I reached for the ch
ips and soda. Eating made me feel better. Maybe I was stressing over nothing?
I looked at my watch and bit my lip. I didn't have much time before my "shift" a
t Newton's was over and I had to go home.
"You could always cancel. Make up an excuse. Fake an illness. Get home late toni
ght and get grounded. That would be the easiest way to avoid any unpleasant situ
ations."
I sighed. This was a tempting option, but it would require even more lying. And
I really didn't want to get grounded. If I was grounded, how would I come back t
o visit Jasper?
"Whatever happens tomorrow, Bella, it will be all right. It's just one movie, no
t the end of the world."
Easy for him to say. I leaned forward and wrapped my arms tightly around my mids
ection. This was all so horrible. Maybe staying in Forks had been a bad idea. Me
eting new people couldn't possibly be as bad as this.
More silence, and then I heard him say in a low, hesitant voice.
"Would you like me to call Alice and ask her to look into the future for you? He
lp you figure out what to do?"
I glanced up at him, filled with hope, but my excitement faded as I saw how mise
rable he looked. He was willing to call Alice for me, but he clearly wasn't look
ing forward to it. I wondered why he didn't want to speak with his wife. I imagi
ned they missed each other terribly. Then I remembered what he'd said the day be
fore – they had agreed to stay out of contact. I had no idea of the reason behind
this decision, but it was obvious that Jasper was not happy at the prospect to o
f speaking with Alice.
No matter what his reason, I couldn't ask him to break the communication silence
and call Alice for something as stupid as the outcome of a pseudo date. Besides
, knowing how close Alice was with Edward, she would surely disapprove of my dec
ision to go out tomorrow as much as Jasper had, and I really didn't want to go t
hrough the explanation again. And what if after all the explanations Alice saw s
omething that was horrible. Maybe just this once I would be better off not knowi
ng what the future held.
"That's OK," I murmured. "I think I'd rather not know. Like you said, it's only
a movie."
Jasper was looking down at the floor. It felt like he was deliberately avoiding
my eyes.
"I'm really sorry I involved you in all this, Jasper. I bet you were looking for
ward to a quiet evening, and I had to go mess it all up with my human melodrama.
I shouldn't have come."
"Bella, stop!" he nearly shouted, his voice laced with frustration. Then, voice
calmer but still tinged with irritation. "We're friends, right?"
"Right," I was surprised at his tone and not quite certain where he was going, b
ut the hard quality of his voice sure had my attention.
"Well, isn't this what friends are for? They stop by when they have problems and
ask each other for advice and listen to one another, right?
"Right," I was still hesitant. This was the first time Jasper had ever been angr
y with me.
"Look, I know better than anyone how much you love a pity party, and I'm not say
ing that you're not entitled to one after all that's happened in the last two we
eks. And I'm totally willing to be there, to listen, and to do whatever it takes
to make you feel better about yourself again, because you need that and you des
erve that. But I can't handle you apologizing for turning to me in friendship. I
t pisses me off! I can't believe you'd think spending another night alone would
be preferable to talking with you and trying to help you. If I felt that way I w
ould be a first class jackass instead of a friend. Do you really think so little
of me?"
In one swift and fluid movement Jasper rose and walked away to stand by the wind
ow and look out at the forest beyond the clearing. I felt horrible.
"No, Jasper. Of course I don't think that. You've been a great friend."
I wanted to go over and touch him, put my hand on his shoulder, something to let
him know how much his friendship meant to me, but I knew that would only infrin
ge on his space and make things worse. So I stayed where I was, unable to do any
thing.
"Then please, Bella, let this be the last time you apologize for treating me as
you would any other friend. Give me some credit, Okay? And stop beating yourself
up because I hate when anyone does that to the people I care about."
"I'll try," I whispered. I was stunned. I didn't think Jasper had all these emot
ions in him.
"Good," he said, "try really hard."
"Jasper?" I asked after another long silence.
"Yes?"
"Thank you. I both needed and deserved that," I said, echoing his earlier words.
He chuckled.
"Yeah. Yeah you did. And you're welcome. Just don't give me a reason to do it ag
ain."
Chapter 9: Knight in Russet Armor
Now that the tension between us was gone, I wanted to stay and keep talking, but
it was getting late and Charlie would be wondering where I was if I didn't get
home soon. Before I left, Jasper handed me a piece of paper with a phone number.
He hadn't written down a name.
"This is my cell, Bella. I always have it with me and it's always on. If you eve
r need to talk or if you need help, any time, day or night, call me, okay? "
I promised I would and carefully tucked the piece of paper into my wallet.
When I got home Charlie asked if I wanted to go back to LaPush with him the next
day. I was torn. I wanted to go back, but I had my plans tomorrow night and did
n't want Charlie to have to cut his day short to bring me back. I explained abou
t the movie and thought I saw a hint of satisfaction in his eyes, which prompted
me to roll mine.
"It's not a date, dad. Just hanging out with friends." I made sure to emphasize
the plural.
"I know, Bells. I'm just glad to see you get out. It'll be good for you to spend
time with your friends."
I didn't comment further. It was no use. Charlie was entitled to his opinion.
I went upstairs to change for bed, but didn't go to my room. Instead, I grabbed
the pillow and blanket off my bed and headed back downstairs. Charlie eyed me su
spiciously.
"What are you doing?"
"I want to watch Letterman tonight," I said, "And I just thought I'd be prepared
in case I fall asleep again."
"Something wrong with your bedroom?"
"Nope," I shook my head, "Except there's no TV in it."
Charlie reluctantly let it go and headed upstairs. Since it wasn't a school nigh
t, he really had no reason to object. Once again, I forced myself to stay awake
until exhaustion finally took its toll.
The next day I woke up to the sounds of Charlie fixing breakfast in the kitchen.
I was tired and sore, but at least my eyes didn't sting and I felt a bit more i
n control of my emotions. I took off the quilt, got up and padded to the kitchen
.
"Morning, dad"
"Morning, Bells. How about some waffles?" Charlie was taking a couple of frozen
waffles from the toaster. They smelled pretty good and I realized I was still st
arving. I had forgotten to eat dinner the previous night. I popped two more waff
les into the toaster and poured myself some orange juice. Just then, the phone r
ang. Charlie reached for the receiver.
"Hello," He listened to the caller's introductions. "Yes, she's right here, Mike
. Just a moment." He handed me the phone, mouthing the word "Newton," as if the
person on the line could have been anyone else.
"Hey Mike, what's up?" I wondered why he was calling. Wasn't seeing me later ton
ight enough?
"You left too quickly last night to finalize our plans for tonight," I cringed a
nd looked at Charlie to see if he could hear Mike. He was trying to appear nonch
alant, but I could tell he was listening. Great! All I needed now was for Mike t
o talk about my not working last night.
I left the kitchen and walked into the living room, as far as the fully stretche
d phone cord would allow.
"Um, yeah. Sorry about that," I mumbled.
"We're still on, right? I mean, you're still coming?" I couldn't believe it! Her
e was my chance. He was giving me the perfect opening to get out of this thing.
Why wasn't I prepared for this? What should I say?
"Bella?" He was starting to sound anxious and I still had no excuse. Plus, what
would I tell Charlie. He looked so hopeful when I told him I was going out tonig
ht.
"I'm here," I said, resigned to my fate. "And I'm still going tonight. What's th
e plan?"
I could hear Mike's sigh of relief and I realized how anxious he had been at the
possibility that I might back out. And still, despite the anxiety, he had given
me the choice. Knowing how kind he was being to me and how much he was looking
forward to tonight's outing filled me with an overwhelming sense of guilt.
I didn't have time to dwell on the guilt, though, because I needed to concentrat
e on the plans Mike was trying to convey to me, unaware of my internal struggle.
He would pick up the others first and I would be the last stop before we drove
to Port Angeles to see the 7:00 p.m. movie. After the movie we would go get some
thing to eat before coming home. I told him about my curfew and he assured me we
would be home before then. It all sounded so routine – just an average Saturday n
ight in an average teen's life. For me, it would be an endless evening of dread
and worry.
"Okay, Bella, see you at 5:30," Mike said, brightly. "I'm really looking forward
to it."
"Sure, Mike," I said weakly, "See you later."
I went back to the kitchen and hung up the phone. Charlie had taken my waffles o
ut of the toaster and put them on the plate.
"All set for tonight?" he asked.
"Yup," I replied, dourly. I couldn't think of anything I wanted to do less. Even
the thought of spending the evening alone in my room sounded better. And the pr
ospect of sitting home alone all day thinking and dreading tonight wasn't helpin
g. Suddenly, I had an idea.
"Dad, I can't stay all day, but would it be all right if I went to LaPush this m
orning? Even if Jake's busy, I could hang out at the beach. You know, get some f
resh air before the weather turns bad."
"Great idea, Bells," Charlie said. "We can take separate cars. I have to go now,
but I'll let Jake know you'll be coming out later."
"Thanks," I dove into my waffles and ate them quickly, washing them down with th
e orange juice. I grabbed my pillow and quilt before running upstairs to shower
and change. By the time I was ready to leave, I was in a much better mood.
About half an hour later I pulled up to Billy's house. I hoped Jake would be the
re, but I wasn't counting on it. I had brought a book with me to read on the bea
ch, just in case. That turned out to be unnecessary. As soon as I parked the tru
ck and got out, the front door opened and Jake ambled out to greet me.
"Bells! Your dad said you were coming out, but I didn't believe him. Two weeks i
n a row, must be some kind of a record."
"Well, if you're complaining. . ." I teased.
"Geez, Bells, lighten up! It's nice to have you here. What's on the agenda for t
oday?"
"No agenda. I just wanted to get some fresh air, hang out. I have to be back hom
e by 5:30."
"Yeah, I heard. Big date, huh?
"What? No! How did you know about that?" I asked suspiciously.
"Is it a secret?" Jake asked slyly. "If it is, you probably shouldn't have told
Charlie. You know he and Billy gossip like old women."
I groaned. I would have to have a talk with Charlie about keeping my private lif
e private. Jake shrugged.
"I wouldn't worry about it, Bella. I mean, you're old enough to date and you're
single. What's the big deal?"
"Ugh!" I was frustrated. "The big deal is that it's not a date!" I said, louder
than I intended. "It's just a bunch of people going to a movie together and I wa
nt to keep it that way."
Jake leaned casually against the truck.
"You may want to keep it that way, but I bet the guy doesn't. Who is it?"
"Mike Newton."
Jake scrunched up his face.
"Mike Newton, Mike Newton . . ." suddenly his face flashed with recognition, "Th
e guy who was at the beach with you last spring? He's still after you? Persisten
t!"
I scowled.
"He's a nice guy, a good friend. But I think he wants to be more and it's too so
on. I still love Edward," I said, bitterly.
It was Jake's turn to scowl.
"After everything he did to you? What are you, a masochist?"
"Maybe..." my voice trailed off. That was about the only reasonable explanation
for what I was feeling.
Jake pushed himself away from the truck and grabbed my hand.
"Come on, let's walk." He said, and I had no choice but to follow. For a few min
utes we walked without talking.
"So, what's wrong with you?" He finally asked.
"What's wrong with me?" I was taken aback. "What's wrong with you? Could you be
any more rude?"
"Get off it, Bella. I'm not trying to be rude. I'm trying to understand. I mean,
the guy dumps you, tells you you're not good enough for him, leaves town, and y
ou still love him? That's not normal!"
I yanked my hand out of his and stopped walking.
"Oh my God! I can't believe I actually came out here to feel better. And I can't
believe I trusted you enough to tell you what happened. You know what, Jacob Bl
ack? You can just take your opinions and . . ."
"Careful, Bells," he laughed. "You might say something unladylike."
"Ooooh!" I was steaming. "You deserve every unladylike syllable. Stop laughing a
t me!"
"Can't. You're too funny when you're mad."
"Fine. Keep on laughing, then. The joke's leaving." I turned and started walking
back to his house. He caught my hand to stop me. I tried to pull away, but he h
eld fast.
"Wait. I'm sorry. Don't leave, please," He stuck out his lower lip in a pleading
pout. I stopped struggling, less in response to his pleading than in realizatio
n that the struggle was useless.
"What do you know about what's normal?" I said, quietly, looking at the ground.
"Hey," he said as he placed his free hand on my chin and forced me to look at hi
m, "I didn't mean to hurt you, just to make you mad, to show you what you should
be feeling. I knew it was in there somewhere."
"Oh, Jake," I sighed. "I am mad. I'm mad with him and I'm mad at myself for not
being over him. But I can't stop feeling what I feel."
"I don't get it," He mumbled.
"That's because you've never been in love. Or maybe because you're a guy. Or may
be because I really am insane."
I wasn't mad anymore and we started walking again.
"I really am sorry, Bella," he said. "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."
"I know, Jake. It's all right."
"No, it's not all right. I was a jerk."
"Yeah," I agreed, smiling, "You were a jerk, an insensitive jerk."
We reached the beach and settled in on the same piece of driftwood we found last
time.
He looked at me sideways from beneath beautiful long, black lashes that had no b
usiness on a guy's face.
"I'd feel better if you were over him."
"Why?"
"So when he decides to come back you'll be able to handle it and not let him eve
r do this to you again."
"He's not coming back, Jake."
"What makes you so sure?"
"I just know. He was pretty clear about that."
"One of his brothers is back, you know."
I looked up at him, absolutely shocked.
"How do you know that?"
"I overheard Billy talking with Sam Uley. Sam said he saw him in the forest, nea
r the reservation border." Jake's eyebrows came together in a frown. "Wait, you'
re not surprised. You knew," he said, accusingly.
Shoot, shoot, shoot! Once again Jake managed to dig out my biggest secrets. If t
his happened again I would have to stop talking to him altogether. He was danger
ous!
"I saw him," no need to mention how many times.
"So, what's he doing here? Are they coming back?"
"No," Quick, Bella, think of some explanation! "He's just in town for a while, p
acking up some stuff they didn't take with them when they left."
"Just him? Why didn't the Doctor come, or the mom?"
"Um, Jasper is taking a year off before he goes to college, so he has time." I w
as such a lousy liar! Fortunately, Jake wasn't particularly interested in the ex
planation.
"Whatever, I really don't care. Just as long as they're not coming back."
"Trust me, they're not coming back."
I sighed. I was reminded again that soon Jasper would be gone too, never to retu
rn. And then I would never be able to be completely honest with anyone again wit
hout them thinking I was off the charts crazy.
Jake looked at me for a minute, his eyes scanning my face like he was looking fo
r something.
"What?" I asked, slightly embarrassed.
"Nothing. I was just wondering if you've forgiven me yet. You know, for earlier.
"
"Still thinking about it. You were pretty mean. Seems too easy to just forgive y
ou outright."
"All right, Bella. What do I have to do to earn your forgiveness? Want me to run
interference for you with that Newton guy, like I did last year?"
It was my turn to laugh. I remembered Mike did not like Jake and me hanging out
together at the beach last year, even though it had been totally innocent. And t
hen I stopped laughing and my eyes widened. It was as if someone turned on the l
ights in a dark room. The solution to my problem was right here.
"Jacob, you're brilliant!"
"I am?" He looked confused.
"Yes, yes you are. Please, please, please tell me you're not busy tonight!"
Jake looked at me like I had grown a second head.
"I was going to hang out with my friends, Quil and Embry. It's nothing I can't g
et out of, but I thought you had the big date tonight."
"I told you, it's not a date. It's just my friends and me going to a movie, and
there's not reason why you couldn't come too."
"Right. No reason other than it would be super awkward, being the uninvited odd
man out."
"I'm inviting you, so you wouldn't be uninvited, and as far as being the odd man
out, who knows. You might get lucky. Jessica or Lauren might just take a shinin
g to you. As grown up as you look they're bound to look right past your age and
straight to your muscles."
"I thought I was supposed to be running interference for you." He frowned, but I
could see that the idea of attracting Jessica or Lauren appealed to him."
"You'll do that just by being there. As long as we're not all paired up, I think
I can handle Mike. Come on, Jake. You owe me one."
He thought for a bit longer, then his face broke into an easy smile.
"OK, Bells. I guess hanging out one night with a bunch of seniors form Forks can
't hurt." He stood up and raised his right hand. "Bella Swan, I solemnly swear t
o earn your forgiveness by keeping you safe tonight from the roving hands and li
ps of Mike Newton."
I giggled. My knight in russet armor!
Chapter 10: Movie Night
We stayed on the beach for a while, talking about inconsequential stuff. As befo
re, being with Jake was effortless. He was funny, and the stories he told me abo
ut his friends made me laugh out loud as I haven't in a long time. We only stopp
ed and went back to his house when we were both faint with hunger.
After lunch we moved the conversation to his garage, where he worked on his car
and I watched. I found watching him work absolutely fascinating. The pure pleasu
re on his face and happiness that radiated from him was enough to affix a perman
ent smile on my face as well. I was as thrilled as he was when he told me that t
he repairs were nearly complete.
Jake stopped working around four o'clock so he could shower and change. He tried
to cover it up, but I could tell he was a little nervous about going out with m
y friends. The biggest hint was when he asked me what he should wear – it wasn't s
omething Jake would ordinarily care about. We went through his limited wardrobe
choices together, and settled on a simple black T-shirt and jeans. When he came
out of the bathroom, freshly showered and wearing the new ensemble, I knew we ha
d made the right choice. The T-shit and jeans fit perfectly, stretching over his
overgrown frame to emphasize his muscular physique without being too tight and
obnoxious. I knew the other girls would have a hard time keeping their eyes and
hands off him.
"Wow, Jake. You look goooood!" I teased.
"You think so, huh?" He said, raising one eyebrow.
"Oh, yeah. You'll drive the girls to distraction and the guys mad with envy."
He shrugged.
"I only have one mission tonight, and that's to keep Mike's paws off you. Anythi
ng else is gravy."
I chuckled. We left a note for Billy and Charlie and drove back to my house. I d
idn't bother showering and only changed my jeans and shoes, which were full of s
and from the beach. This was not a night to make any special effort to enhance m
y appearance.
Jake inhaled an entire bag of potato chips as we waited for Mike. As huge as he
was already, I swore I could see him growing in front of my eyes. It was like se
eing an evolution of a superhero out of a comic book – simply amazing.
I had a bit of a problem with Jake as I slipped him a $20 bill to take care of h
is share of the movie and dinner. He put up a good fight, until I reminded him a
bout the car and how his money would be better used for car parts.
"You're doing me a big favor here, Jake, the least I can do is pay. Besides, I h
ave a job, so I can better afford it. And I really want you to finish the repair
s so I can go on that ride you promised me!" Reluctantly, he pocketed the cash,
giving me a sheepish grin.
As promised, Mike pulled up to the house at 5:30. A shadow crossed his face when
he saw that I came out of the house with Jake.
"Hey guys," I said, trying to sound casual, "Do you remember my friend, Jake?"
I could tell by their faces that none of them could. It was no wonder, Jake had
changed and matured so much since the spring, he was almost unrecognizable.
"You met him at First Beach in the spring," I prodded. Jessica was the first to
put the pieces together.
"Oh yeah, I remember, you were there with your friends. Hi Jake." Her voice was
a bit breathless. I stifled a laugh and shot Jake an 'I told you so' look.
"Hey," Jake said, and winked at Jessica. She giggled.
I went through the rest of the introductions.
"Anyway, I was hanging out with Jake today and invited him to go with us. I hope
you don't mind," I deliberately directed the question to the group, instead to
Mike, who was shooting murderous glares at Jacob. For his part, Jake didn't seem
to notice.
"Not at all, right?" Jessica said, "The more the merrier." Mike turned beet red
and fumed, but didn't say a word.
I saw that Mike had planned to have me sit in the passenger seat next to him, bu
t Jake's size made it impractical for him to sit anywhere else, so I squeezed in
with Jessica and Eric on the bench seat in the very back. The ride to Port Ange
les was extremely uncomfortable. Jessica and Lauren didn't seem to notice as the
y discussed the stars of the movie we were about to see and other equally trivia
l subjects. Eric and Tyler contributed little to the conversation, both of them
watching Jake, cautiously. They didn't seem as uncomfortable as Mike, for which
I was glad. Fortunately, Lauren was more interested in Tyler than Jake and Eric
wasn't particularly interested in Jessica, so her fascination with Jake didn't s
eem to bother him much. Mike, however, was a different story. He didn't say a wo
rd on the entire drive and even from the back seat I could see the tension in hi
s grip on the steering wheel. Suddenly I felt horribly ashamed and insensitive.
It probably would have been more kind to cancel on him this morning than to let
him get hopeful and excited about the evening only to crush him when he got to m
y house. I watched his back wearily, wondering what I could do to salvage the si
tuation without giving him the wrong idea.
Despite being completely ignored by Mike, Jake seemed comfortable. He didn't rea
lly participate in Jessica and Lauren's conversation, but on occasion he would t
urn around and dazzle them with his smile. I had a feeling he was really trying
to see how I was doing, for which I was grateful. A couple of times his gaze cau
ght mine and he winked conspiratorially, but the undercurrent of tension in the
Suburban was too strong for me to respond in kind.
As we pulled into the parking lot at the movie theater, Mike's demeanor suddenly
shifted. He straightened in the driver's seat and relaxed his grip on the steer
ing wheel, as though he had made a decision he had been struggling with during t
he drive. At first I thought I was the only one who noticed, but then Jake looke
d back at me with one raised eyebrow, and I knew he had felt it too. I shrugged
and sent him a look that told him I had no idea what was going on. We would find
out what Mike was up to soon enough.
As we got out of the Suburban, I could see Mike trying hard to shepherd us along
so that he and I would be in the back of the group. Jake and I exchanged anothe
r glance, and I signaled that this was fine. Mike was not going to try anything
in the parking lot.
I knew Mike wanted to talk, so I deliberately slowed my pace to match his, letti
ng the rest of the group walk ahead of us, out of earshot. Mike was clearly unco
mfortable, but determined to proceed with his plan.
"So, you and Jake spent the day together?" He asked cautiously, the way you ask
questions you don't really want to hear answers to. The unasked question was obv
ious. In spite of myself, I sought to re-assure him.
"Yeah. His dad and my dad are good friends. He's practically family."
Mike was somewhat relieved, though not completely convinced.
"He looks different than he did last year. What grade is he in, again?"
I smiled slightly. I had a feeling Mike remembered that Jake was younger, but th
at was hard to believe given how much he'd grown. He overshadowed all three seni
or boys in our group in terms of height and bulk.
"He's a sophomore, I think. He goes to school on the reservation."
"That's right," Mike brightened considerably. "So he's like a little brother?" H
e asked hopefully. I smiled again.
"Something like that. Except he's a big flirt."
Mike's face fell a little. The prospect of Jake flirting with me obviously didn'
t sit well with him.
"So you're not here with him?" He placed emphasis on the word 'with'. "Like, on
a date?"
I cringed inside. This must be so hard for him.
"No, Mike. This isn't a date thing, remember? Just a group of friends going to t
he movies, right? I'm not with anyone." I could almost hear his relief, and I co
ngratulated myself. Jake and I actually managed to convince Mike that it was a g
ood thing this wasn't a date night. I started to hope this could work out well a
fter all.
We were nearing the box office and the first of our group were already buying th
eir tickets. Mike positioned himself in front of me, and I knew he intended to p
ay for my ticket. I pursed my lips, realizing that he still hadn't gotten the po
int.
"Hey, Bells." I heard Jake say, "I got one for you, too." He flashed me another
conspiratorial grin and handed me a ticket. I let out a soft sigh of relief. Jak
e was clearly a bit of a mind reader. Just like Edward!
The pain that followed the though hit me like a ton of bricks. My face must have
betrayed me, because instantly Jake was by my side and his arm snaked around my
waist supportively.
"You OK, Bella? What happened?"
I shook my head to clear my mind. I didn't want to think about him right now. I
wondered how much time would pass before I could go a day without him invading m
y life.
"I'm fine, Jake." I said, leaning into him a little for support. "Just a stray t
hought."
I looked up and my eyes met Mike's. His face was a kaleidoscope of emotion: ange
r at Jake for foiling his plans; confusion at my sudden mood change; concern for
my wellbeing; jealousy and resentment at Jake's support. Reluctantly, I pulled
myself away from Jake, so as not to upset Mike further.
"Let's get inside," I said, following the rest of our friends, who were already
handing their tickets to the usher. Knowing we were going out to eat afterwards,
we passed by the concession stand.
Inside the theater, we decided to all sit in one row. Tyler and Lauren went in f
irst, followed by Eric and Jessica, who grabbed Jake's hand and pulled him behin
d her. I quickly stepped into the row behind Jake, not giving Mike a chance to s
it between us.
We had a little time before the movie started and the house lights hadn't gone d
own yet. I saw Jessica start a conversation with Jake, forcing him to turn towar
ds her and away from me. Mike leaped at the opportunity to speak with me alone.
"I'm really glad you're here, Bella," his voice was low and he leaned closer to
me, presumably to make it look like he was trying to make sure I heard him. As h
e leaned in I caught a whiff of a strange scent, a mixture of spice and musk. Wi
th horror, I realized that he was wearing cologne.
"Sure," I said. "It sounds like a good movie." Just stick to neutral subjects, B
ella.
"You look really pretty tonight. That color looks great on you," I looked down a
t my shirt with disbelief. Where was he getting these lines? Even I knew pale-sk
inned, brown-haired and brown-eyed girls did not look their best in beige.
"Thanks," it seemed impolite to laugh at his attempts to flatter me. I glanced o
ver at him. He had obviously taken care with his appearance. His hair was carefu
lly styled to appear casual and he was wearing what appeared to be a new polo sh
irt and khaki pants. Reluctantly, I said "you look nice too." He had the grace t
o look embarrassed.
"I'm sorry you had to miss your shift Friday night. Did you do anything fun inst
ead?" Oh, boy. Now we were getting into dangerous territory.
"No," I said, trying to nip that subject in the bud, "not really." The whole sti
lted conversation would have been funny if I wasn't one of the participants.
"So, did you choose a play to do your English paper on yet?" Poor guy, he was re
ally getting desperate.
"Nope," I decided to throw him a lifeline. English seemed like a safe enough sub
ject. "I'm leaning towards Julius Caesar"
"Oh, Shakespeare, huh? I don't know. Shakespeare and I never got along. I was th
inking of Inherit the Wind."
"That's a good choice," I agreed. "Our drama club performed that play in my soph
omore year, back in Phoenix. They did a great job."
"Yeah. I guess I like plays that are more modern and American," he said, "ones t
hat I can understand without needing a dictionary." I laughed.
"You have a point. My annotated version of Shakespeare's plays definitely comes
in handy. But his plays are so beautiful – they're worth a little extra work." I w
as enjoying this conversation and I soon found myself turned completely towards
Mike, our heads close together as we compared our literary likes and dislikes. I
t was actually really easy to talk to him, when he wasn't trying to be Casanova.
I wondered what other interest we had in common and I actually seriously consid
ered whether some time down the line, when I was really over Edward instead of j
ust pretending to be, there was a chance of Mike and me being more than friends.
Our conversation continued until the lights dimmed and the previews started. The
first preview was for a sequel to a popular spy series. The main character was
a renaissance man – a great lover and fighter. The preview was sprinkled with seve
ral love interests to occupy the spy's time between more perilous assignments. W
hen the preview was over Mike leaned towards me.
"That one looks great, Bella. Would you like to go see it with me when it comes
out?"
And there it was. How was it possible that I had not anticipated this moment and
allowed myself to be blindsided? And what was I supposed to do now?
Fortunately, the next preview involved fighter jets, and the deafening noise for
m the speakers precluded any conversation, buying me a few seconds of precious t
ime to gather my thoughts. I realized that I didn't need to get too fancy. Simpl
icity would be best.
"I don't really care for that series, Mike," I said, nearly sighing out loud wit
h relief at my relatively quick thinking, "Thanks, anyway."
Mike looked like he was going to say something else, but then the opening credit
s were rolling and I turned away from him, pretending to pay close attention to
the movie. I made sure to keep my right hand away from the armrest, just in case
Mike had any ideas in that direction. Sometime midway through the movie Jake le
aned over and whispered in my ear "Everything all right over there?" I nodded. "
Minor crisis successfully averted."
I wasn't really paying attention to the movie at all. The last thing I needed to
watch right now was a romance. Instead, I focused my mind on Jasper. It was pro
blematic that Billy and Jake knew he was back in town. It meant that Charlie cou
ld find out about Jasper at any moment, and that would be a disaster. I couldn't
imagine any circumstances under which Charlie would be OK with me visiting a 19
-year-old single guy living alone, even if the guy was my ex-boyfriend's brother
. And if he knew I had already done it and lied to him about it, I would be grou
nded until graduation! I panicked at the thought that my visits with Jasper, as
short lived as they might be, could be over even before he left town to re-join
his family. The more I thought about it, the more miserable I became.
Thankfully the movie was short. We got up and left the theater as the end credit
s were rolling and decided to walk to the restaurant. We chose Chinese, because
it was cheap and made it easy to purchase and share a bunch of different dishes.
Once again, I was seated between Jake and Mike. That was fine, until Mike decid
ed to throw his arm over the back of my chair and rest his fingertips on my left
upper arm. It was a seemingly meaningless, friendly gesture, but I tensed up ne
vertheless. Jake sensed my discomfort and immediately wrapped his right arm arou
nd me, pulling me close to his side, effectively trapping Mike's fingers between
us, forcing Mike to withdraw his arm.
"I got your back, Bells" Jake whispered in my ear and I giggled, earning a dirty
look from Mike and Jessica. He let me go as soon as he knew Mike's arm was gone
.
The rest of the night was fairly uneventful. Everyone spent a lot of time discus
sing the movie we had just seen, trying to impress each other with who could rem
ember more of the funny lines. Since I hadn't been watching, I had nothing to co
ntribute to the conversation. I threw in an occasional affirmation or a half-hea
rted laugh, but otherwise remained on the periphery. Finally it was time to pay
the check and return home. As soon as we were on the road to Forks, I felt more
relaxed.
My relief was short lived, as I realized that Mike had a plan for the end of the
 night that differed drastically from mine. He had engineered a return route tha
t resulted in Jake being dropped off first. As he got out of the Suburban he thr
ew me an 'I did what I could' glance. "I'll talk to you soon, Jake" I called out
from the back bench as he closed the passenger door.
Mike then reversed the order of pick up, taking everyone else from the group hom
e one by one, until we were the only two people left. Not wanting to feel like a
cab passenger, I moved to the seat beside Mike. I was starting to feel uncomfor
table. I knew I had nothing to fear from Mike, but I was worried that he would t
ry to set up another date or otherwise force me to be crystal clear about my lac
k of feelings for him. I had completely lost control of the situation, and I did
n't like it one bit.
I opened the passenger door and got out as soon as Mike pulled into my driveway
and parked. To my dismay, Mike followed, walking me to the front door.
"I had a great time tonight, Bella," he said hesitantly, "I hope you did too and
that we can do it again some time, just the two of us." I saw him lean forward
in an attempt to kiss me, but before his lips could reach mine or I could pull a
way, we both heard a deep, animalistic growl from a dark portion of the yard. Bo
th of our heads snapped in the direction of the sound, which was so low it may a
ctually have been a vibration.
"What the heck?" Mike asked, his face betraying a hint of apprehension. "Did you
hear that?"
I sure had heard that, and I had a good suspicion who had made the sound. It was
the same sound I heard through a haze last spring in Phoenix, as Edward's broth
ers were killing James after he had bitten me. I knew that the only source of th
e noise could have been Jasper. I was at once grateful and furious.
"Yes. Whatever it is, it doesn't sound friendly. I should go inside and you shou
ld go home." I said.
"You're probably right," he looked and sounded uncertain. "I'll see you around,
Bella," he said. I was already turned around, unlocking the front door.
"See you, Mike." I said, walking into the house and shutting the door behind me.
I knew I was being rude, but I reasoned that rudeness was better than outright
rejection.
"Is that you, Bella?" Charlie called form his bedroom. "Did you have a good time
?"
"It's me, dad," I shouted back. "It was fine."
I waited for Mike's Suburban to be gone before carefully unlocking the front doo
r again. I walked out into the driveway.
"Jasper?" I hissed angrily. "Stop hiding. I know you're out here."
He walked over from the back yard, standing in a thin sliver of light from the d
riveway lamp post.
"Have you been following me all night? I thought we discussed this and you weren
't going to come along. What if someone had seen you?"
"Relax, Bella. I never left Forks. But I figured Newton would try to find a way
to get you here alone, so I decided to wait and see if you needed me."
My anger ebbed. I should have been mad at him for behaving like a stalker, but h
is instincts had been absolutely right and I owed him.
"How was your evening? Did you manage to keep things casual?"
I wanted so badly to tell him all about my evening, but it was late and this was
not a subject to be discussed in the middle of the night in front of my own hou
se.
"I can't talk now, Jasper. Charlie will wonder why I haven't gone upstairs."
He was silent for a moment. I started turning back to the house when I heard him
say quietly, "Get inside and pretend to go to bed, then call me. I'll be waitin
g."
Chapter 11: Whispers in the Dark
My stomach did a perfect summersault and I'm sure I flushed from head to toe. Di
d he really just say what I thought he'd said? I turned around again but he was
gone, undoubtedly on his way home to await my call.
I walked back into the house and locked the front door as quietly as I could, th
en I turned and leaned against it heavily. I noticed my breathing was faster and
shallower. What the hell just happened?
I forced myself to slow down and re-played the conversation in my head. Upon rev
iew, it was much more innocent than I initially perceived it. Jasper simply want
ed to hear about how I handled Mike, nothing more. It was just the quiet, low to
ne of his voice that made the request sound so incredibly sexy. I really needed
to get a grip. Jasper was married to my best friend; I had dated his brother; th
ere had never been anything between us even remotely hinting at the possibility
of anything other than friendship.
It must have been all the things that happened today. All the stress over what w
ould happen tonight, combined with all the real and mock flirting, must have inc
reased my level of sexual tension and caused me to misinterpret Jasper's words.
That was the only logical explanation.
Slightly calmer, I grabbed the cordless phone from the cradle in the living room
and made my way upstairs. I sighed with relief when I heard Charlie snoring in
his bedroom. It would be easier to talk without having to worry about him overhe
aring something he shouldn't.
I laid the phone on my bed, grabbed my toiletry bag and headed for the bathroom,
where I quickly got ready for bed. Back in my bedroom I threw off my jeans, shi
rt and bra and pulled on a t-shirt and sweat pants that I liked to wear at night
. For a while, when Edward was staying with me nearly every night, I had worn cl
othes that were more attractive, but now that I was alone it made sense to just
be comfortable.
I took out my wallet and extracted the piece of paper with Jasper's phone number
. I stared at it for a long while, memorizing it. Then I grabbed the phone, turn
ed off the light and got under my quilt. I dialed his number in the dark from me
mory. He answered on the first ring.
"Hello Bella."
"Hi, Jasper," I whispered. I knew Charlie was sleeping, but I didn't want to giv
e him any reasons to wake up. "Thanks for being here tonight and I'm sorry I jum
ped to the wrong conclusion."
"It's all right. No harm done."
"It's just that Edward . . . well, he would have watched me all day and I guess
. . . I know I overreacted."
"I understand. It's not a big deal. Forget about it."
I didn't say anything for a while. There was only one thing to say
"Thank you."
More silence passed, but it wasn't uncomfortable. In the dark, lying in bed unde
r my quilt, I felt strangely comforted just knowing there was someone on the oth
er end of the line. I may have let the silence go on forever, but then I heard h
im whisper.
"I've missed you. Tell me about your day." My breath caught and my stomach did a
nother summersault. He's just speaking quietly, Bella. It means nothing. Calm Do
wn!
"Well, I spent most of the day at LaPush with Jacob."
"Jacob? The Quileute boy who came to Prom last year?"
I was surprised that Jasper remembered, then I remembered he had perfect recall.
"Yeah. His dad and Charlie are good friends and he's become a good friend too. E
dward and I were never at LaPush and Jacob is so great, so happy all the time, s
pending time with him helps me forget . . ."
More silence, this time less comfortable. I wonder if I'd made a mistake telling
Jasper about Jacob.
"It sounds like you had a good day," he finally said, his voice betraying no emo
tion. "What did you do?"
"We walked to the beach and then we just talked. Jake is, well . . ." I struggle
d to find the right words, "He's like sunshine, but he doesn't sugar code things
either. He calls me out on things when I need it, just like you did last night.
But most of all he makes me feel safe, and comfortable."
"I see." His voice still sounded detached. "What did you do after the beach?"
"We had lunch and then I watched him work on his car – he's building one for himse
lf practically from scratch. And then I followed your advice and asked Jacob to
come with us to the movies. And it worked, Jasper, it worked really well. Jake i
s younger, but he looks really grown up and a little intimidating, I think. And
he's pretty good looking too," I stifled a giggle, remembering the effect Jake h
ad on Jessica. "He didn't even have to do much. Just a couple of hugs here and t
here. Mike didn't have a chance. At least not until. . ."
Another longer than necessary silence.
"So you had no problems until Mike was dropping you off," his voice sounded hard
er, colder. My perception of his disapproval deflated my good mood.
"Yes," I whispered. "And you already know what happened then."
More silence. This was starting to be painful. I couldn't believe only moments a
go my stomach had been doing exited flip flops over the prospect of this convers
ation. Now it was tied up in the worst kind of knots. I didn't understand any of
this.
"Jasper, why are you mad at me? I was just following your suggestion."
He sighed.
"I'm sorry, Bella. I'm not mad at you."
"Then what? Something isn't right."
"I don't know, Bella. I'm not sure I understand it myself. It's painful to know
you needed help and I wasn't able to be there, to know that you had to rely on s
omeone else." I could hear the pain in his voice.
"Jasper," I said gently, "It's not your job to protect me. And even if it was, I
'm not sure you could do it alone." I laughed bitterly, "As much of a danger and
trouble magnet as I am, I'm sure no one person could provide enough protection.
"
"Protecting you would certainly be a full time job," he agreed, his voice a litt
le warmer.
"Not following you today was the hardest thing I've ever had to do," he continue
d. "I knew you wouldn't want me to do it, and yet it took all my self restraint
to stop."
"I . . . I don't know how to respond to that." I was extremely confused. I knew
Edward had been extremely protective of me, but that was his nature. I didn't kn
ow why Jasper should feel that way.
"Did you ever notice that you have a way of bringing out the protective instinct
in people? I know I felt protective of you before, as has every member of my fa
mily, but it's so much stronger now that they're not around. And it's not just u
s. I know I've felt the same thing from the human boys at the high school last y
ear, especially Mike. From Jacob too, at prom. It's actually quite remarkable. I
've never felt anything like it before. And even when I felt it around you, I co
uldn't identify it until just now."
"What are you saying, Jasper?"
"I'm not sure. I don't have an explanation. It's almost as if nature knew that y
ou would need protection, and gave you the ability to solicit help without askin
g."
I though about what Jasper said, not sure how to feel about it. I supposed it wa
s good that people felt protective of me, but also stifling. It was easier to ta
ke when I thought the over protectiveness was their choice. I didn't want to thi
nk of myself as forcing this feeling in people.
"I always thought I was a freak of nature. I guess now I have solid proof." My v
oice was still bitter.
"Bella," it was just one word, but the way he said my name, in a soft whisper, m
y stomach started doing summersaults again. "You're not a freak of nature. You'r
e special. Really, really special."
I stopped breathing again. I was grateful that Jasper was nowhere near me for th
is conversation. I could only imagine the emotions I was sending out right now.
I felt so pathetic. Not even two weeks without my ex-boyfriend and I was weak at
the knees the first time someone called me special. Worse yet, I knew that some
one was totally off limits and couldn't have meant the things he said in the way
I was interpreting them. You're a fool, Isabella Swan. A pathetic, hormonal, te
enage fool. I had to do something to change the topic of conversation before I a
ctually said something that betrayed these stupid thoughts and feelings.
"Jasper?"
"Yes, darlin'?"
Darlin'? Oh, come on! And spoken in that soft whisper! Was he trying to make me
do something idiotic? It's just a team of endearment. It doesn't mean anything!
"We always talk about me, but I'd like to hear about you, too. What did you do t
oday?"
There was another prolonged pause on the other end of the line.
"I was in Port Angeles during the day. I came back this afternoon, way before yo
u would have gotten there," he added quickly, as if to re-assure me that he hadn
't been spying on my outing. "I bought you some more chips and soda" he said. Wa
s if just me or did he sound embarrassed to admit that? "Then I hung out at a ca
fé. That was . . . tasking. There were a lot of people, some in close proximity. I
had to swallow quite a bit of venom."
"But nothing bad happened?"
"I stayed in control. I was preoccupied, which seemed to help."
"What were you preoccupied with?" I asked.
"Do you really not know?" The question caught me off guard. I had no idea. I tri
ed to think. Maybe he missed Alice? I knew he had gone shopping in Port Angeles
with her frequently. Maybe being there on a busy day reminded him of her?
Apparently I left the question unanswered too long. He sighed.
"No, I guess you wouldn't," he said, sadly. Then, abruptly, "I got you a present
." He sounded excited, like he was the one who was getting something.
"A present? You didn't have to do that. I hate presents. Besides, what's the occ
asion?"
"It's nothing big, Bella, I swear. And it's as much for me as it is for you. Is
there," he hesitated. "Is there any way I could give it to you tomorrow?"
"Um," I bit my lip in frustration. I had no excuse to be away from the house tom
orrow. I would have to think of something to tell Charlie. "I can try to get awa
y for a little while."
"I know it's difficult for you. I know you hate to lie to your father. But pleas
e, I really would like to see you," he paused for a moment, then added, "I need
to see you."
Oh darn it, there went the stomach again. Maybe it was something I ate. I hope w
hatever was causing all these weird emotions would be out of my system tonight.
I could never face Jasper again if I was going to feel like this around him.
"Okay," I said softly. "I'll think of something."
There was another pause in the conversation. I couldn't stifle a loud yawn.
"It's getting late," he said. "I should let you get some sleep."
"I suppose. I wish we didn't have to hang up. I have to keep the line clear just
in case there is an emergency call for Charlie, but I wish we could just talk u
ntil I fell asleep. Ever since Edward left I have a hard time falling asleep in
this room without crying. I know talking to you would help."
I head an owl screech outside my bedroom window, then a loud intake of breath on
the other end of the line, something that sounded like a rush of wind and a fai
nt echo of a similar owl screech in the background. I guess the birds were out o
n the prowl.
"I'm so sorry, Bella." There was a strange quality to his voice. It almost sound
ed like he was scared.
"It's OK, Jasper. Maybe I'll put on some music. Sometimes Edward used to hum me
a lullaby . . ." I choked at the memory. I sensed the tears starting to come. I
had to finish this conversation before I completely broke down.
"I do need to go, Jasper," I said, my voice quivering, "I'll see you tomorrow."
"Goodnight, darlin'," he said softly. "I'll see you later today."
Chapter 12: You can't stop the Signal
I clicked off the phone, but did not let it out of my hand. I felt like as long
as I was holding the receiver our connection hadn't really been broken, and Jasp
er was still there somehow.
That last "Darlin'" of his managed to revive my overactive stomach again and cha
sed the tears away. Still holding on to the phone with my left hand, I covered m
y eyes with my right, as though that would help me understand my reaction to wha
t just happened.
It was a perfectly innocent phone call. I talked about my day and he talked abou
t his. We whispered for obvious reasons. Just two friends having and end of day
conversation.
The lady doth protest too much, methinks. The line from Hamlet popped into my he
ad. Ugh! I needed to just stop thinking and get to sleep.
Eventually I did fall asleep, and for the first time in a long while I dreamt. I
couldn't remember most of the dream when I woke, but one vision stayed with me
when the rest faded away. It was Jasper, dressed in white slacks and an open whi
te shirt, standing tall and gorgeous at the edge of the forest in a patch lit up
by the noon sun. Sitting on a tree branch behind him was a giant snow owl, his
wings outstretched, making Jasper look like a beautiful sparkling angel.
I woke up still clinging to the phone receiver, instantly remembering the conver
sation from the night before and my promise to find a way to see him. I thought
about it as I showered and got dressed, but absolutely nothing came to mind. The
re was no getting around the fact that I was a horrible liar!
I walked down to the kitchen with dread. To my surprise, my need to see Jasper w
as as strong as his professed need to see me. I had to think of a completely inn
ocent reason I needed to leave the house today, but as transparent as my feeling
s always were to others, Charlie would be able to see right through me the momen
t I opened my mouth.
"Morning, Dad," I said to Charlie, who was reading the Sunday paper.
"Morning, Bells," he seemed absorbed in the article and barely looked up. I got
out a bowl and poured myself some cereal for breakfast. I didn't initiate a conv
ersation, figuring the less I said the better.
Thank goodness Charlie made the whole thing so easy for me. After he finished th
e article he was reading, he folded the paper and said "I'm going over to Harry
Clearwater's today to watch the game. Would you like to come with me? Jake and h
is friends will probably be there, and Harry has a daughter your age."
Wow! I actually kicked myself under the table to make sure I wasn't dreaming. Co
uld this really be true? Would I be able to see Jasper without making up any sto
ries at all?
"No thanks, Dad. You know I don't really enjoy watching sports and I spent the w
hole day with Jake yesterday, so I'm sure he could use a break. Besides, I have
some homework to do for tomorrow."
"Okay, well, I'll be heading out there in half an hour. And Harry's wife, Sue, w
ill be making dinner, so no need to worry about that today. Want me to bring som
ething back for you?"
Seriously, this was too good to be true. All day free and I didn't even have to
cook? I could spend the whole time with Jasper. I nearly bounced in my seat with
excitement.
"Sure, Dad, that would be nice, if she doesn't mind."
"Nah, on game days Sue makes enough to feed an army."
"Great," I said, and swallowed a mouthful of cereal to stop myself from potentia
l excited babbling.
"All right, then. You're sure you're going to be okay here by yourself?"
I nodded, not trusting myself to speak.
Charlie went back to the newspaper. I ate my breakfast slowly, wondering if I co
uld make the bowl last the whole half hour. The less I did and said until Charli
e left the better. I finished eating faster than I'd hoped, so I occupied myself
with washing and drying the breakfast dishes. Time dragged, but eventually Char
lie folded the paper again.
"All right, Bells, I'm going. Harry's number is on the fridge if you need anythi
ng."
"I know, dad. I'll be fine."
After I heard the cruiser pull away I scrambled upstairs and grabbed the phone.
I dialed the number quickly from memory. Again, he picked up on the first ring.
"You can't come," he said morosely.
"What? No! Since when did you become such a pessimist? I can come and, better ye
t, I can stay pretty much all day. Charlie went to watch the game with some of h
is friends in La Push. He won't be back until after dinner."
"How quickly can you be here?"
"As quickly as my truck allows."
On the drive to his house I indeed pushed the truck to its top speed. Thankfully
, Sunday traffic was light and I arrived in record time. He was waiting for me o
n the porch, wearing khakis and a cream colored pullover. Leaning on the porch r
ailing with both hands, he looked model-gorgeous, and my breath caught. Drat! I
hoped his abilities were on the fritz so he wouldn't feel this juvenile reaction
.
I opened the truck door and got out slowly, suddenly hesitant to walk inside. I
wanted him to be happy to see me and I didn't want to spoil it by feeling someth
ing inappropriate.
He met me at the foot of the stairs, deliberately walking towards me to close th
e distance between us until we were within a couple of feet of one another. He h
esitated, unsure if he should come any closer. I smiled up at him.
"You're making great progress, Jasper! It's wonderful."
His smile lit up his face. "It is getting easier."
We walked into the house, Jasper following behind me. I sat down on the sofa. He
did the same, within a two foot distance.
"So, we have all day. What do you want to do?"
He seemed a bit flustered. "I didn't know we would have this much time. I didn't
really plan anything."
I laughed.
"That's okay. We don't have to be formal. How about today I get to know you a li
ttle? I feel like all we've done lately is talk about me, but I still know nothi
ng about you. I'd like to know the real Jasper Hale."
His smile disappeared. I frowned in confusion.
"What? What did I say?"
"Edward didn't tell you anything about me?" he asked.
I shook my head.
"Very little, just that you and Alice were not created by Carlisle. He mentioned
your original vampire family was different. I assumed they were not vegetarians
."
Jasper's eyes narrowed with resentment.
"No, Bella, they were not vegetarians. I don't really like to talk about my vamp
ire past, but you deserve to know the whole truth and some day, I promise, I wil
l share it all with you. It's just that I don't want to spoil our time together
today by rehashing my darkest hours. I would be glad to tell you what I remember
of my human life, though. Will that do for now?"
I didn't speak. I simply nodded my agreement. I could sense his sadness and his
unease, and I knew a part of him feared that learning about his vampire past wou
ld somehow alter my opinion of him. I wanted to assure him that nothing could do
that, but I didn't want to force him to tell me anything until he was ready.
"To start, my name is not Jasper Hale. It's Jasper Whitlock," Jasper launched in
to his story. He told me as much as he could remember about growing up in the Ho
uston area, about his family, about joining the Confederate Army when he was sti
ll underage and rising through the ranks to become the youngest Major in Texas.
Though his recollection of human life was sketchy, he had a way of storytelling
that made up for the lack of details. It was almost as if he were guiding me thr
ough an impressionistic painting, with both of us standing a little too close to
see the full effect intended by the artist. The beauty of the whole canvas may
have been lost, but the brush strokes we could see were still fascinating.
As I listened, I imagined the human Jasper, first as a little boy, then as a you
ng man, dressed in his military uniform, using his still human charisma to direc
t the soldiers under his command. "I can't believe you have been here since befo
re the civil war," I said, completely in awe. "You've lived though so much."
Jasper grimaced. "My life, such as it was, wasn't easy, and I've done many thing
s I'm not proud of, all of them after becoming a vampire. I try to hold on to Ma
jor Whitlock, because he lived a life of no regrets."
His story at an end, we sat quietly for a while. Finally, I had to break the sil
ence.
"Okay, Major Jasper Whitlock. We still have a lot of time. What are we going to
do? Do you want to watch a movie or TV, listen to some music – I'm game for anythi
ng."
Jasper tilted his head and looked at me, as if trying to gauge my reaction to an
unspoken suggestion. "Are you familiar with the TV series Firefly?" He asked. I
shook my head.
"I can never get anyone else to watch it with me, but I have a feeling you might
like it."
I shrugged. I wasn't really all that particular about TV shows or movies, as I h
ardly watched either. I was, however, very curious about Jasper's preferences.
"Is it about bugs?" I asked. "I'm not particularly fond of bugs."
He laughed. "It's definitely not about bugs. You'll see."
With vampire speed he moved over to the cabinets where the Cullens stored their
vast DVD collection and pulled out a brown box that obviously held more than one
DVD.
"Don't worry, Bella. Even if you end up loving it we won't watch it all today. M
aybe just the pilot episode."
I nodded. As long as I was home by dinner, I didn't really care if we spent the
whole day in front of the TV.
Jasper stopped in the kitchen and brought me my favorite chips and soda. I thank
ed him, and we settled in to watch.
I was swept up in the series from the very first moment, and it wasn't long befo
re I understood exactly why this was one of Jasper's favorites. This story about
an unrelated band of renegades living on the fringe of society, for all intents
and purposes functioning as a family, was a near perfect TV approximation of th
e Cullens. Jasper was, of course, Captain Mal Reynolds, a former rebel turned ou
tlaw with a heart of gold. Emmet and Jayne were two peas in a pod. Edward would
have been perfectly cast as Dr. Simon Tam and Carlisle would have been Shepherd
Book. The women characters were slightly less well matched. Still, River Tam cou
ld have been modeled after Alice and Inara had Rosalie's beauty, plus a much bet
ter personality. In no time at all I found myself loving this sci-fi western uni
verse, where people spoke in a strange cadence, interchanging English and Chines
e.
From time to time I glanced over at Jasper, only to see him already watching me.
I knew he could feel how much I liked the show and I loved seeing the pleasure
in his face of being able to share this with me. It was turning out to be quite
a good day.
We ended up watching all the shows on the first disc, and I only reluctantly agr
eed to stop when Jasper pointed out that our time together was limited. He was s
tarting to look a little nervous again, and I wondered what could possibly have
him spooked now.
"Bella, do you remember much of our conversation from last night?"
"Mmmm," I said noncommittally and looked down at the sofa, hoping to hide the bl
ush that was sure to appear if I thought too much about what he'd said and how h
e had said it.
"Would you . . ." he hesitated. He really was nervous. "Would you like to open y
our present?"
I couldn't help looking at him. Last night he said it hadn't been a big deal, bu
t the way he was acting now made the gift seem important. Knowing his family's i
nclination towards extravagance, I started to worry.
"Jasper, you know how much I hate these kinds of things," my voice sounded whini
er than I intended.
"I know," he looked as though he had been harshly chastised, which definitely ha
d not been the case. I almost felt sorry for him. Maybe I should see what the gi
ft was before I made too much out of the whole thing.
"All right, I'll try real hard not to be a total spoilsport. I appreciate you th
inking of me and I hope you meant it when you said it wasn't anything big. Let's
 see it."
"Really, Bella, it's not big, and it truly is as much of a gift for me as it is
for you."
He leaned over to a sofa table behind him and grabbed a bow-wrapped box that som
ehow escaped my notice earlier. He handed me the box sheepishly.
"It's a slip-off bow. No paper."
I grinned. "Good thinking."
The box was on the small side, and I looked at it with unease. I remembered the
saying about good things coming in small packages, but in my experience such thi
ngs were typically very expensive, which was the last thing I wanted.
"Open it, Bella, please."
Reluctantly I slipped off the bow and lifted the box lid. Inside I found an ador
able little flip cellular phone. I looked up at Jasper in shock.
"A cell phone, Jasper? You said it wasn't anything big!"
"It's not big, Bella. In fact, it was one of the smallest models."
"That's not what I meant, Jasper Whitlock, and you darn well know it! I can't ac
cept this."
His face fell.
"Bella, I promise this is not a big deal. I just added a line to my current plan
, so the cost of the phone and the monthly fees are minimal. And this way you ca
n contact me any time you might need me. Plus, we'll be able to talk at night fo
r as long as we like without tying up your home phone line."
I considered the merits of his argument and noticed that he really wasn't playin
g fair. The thought of being able to talk to him at night, maybe even fall aslee
p to the sound of his voice, was extremely appealing.
"But Jasper, that would cost so much money!"
He waved his hand dismissively.
"On my plan calls between our phones are free. And I have more than enough minut
es to cover any calls you might need to make to other people."
"No. If I accept this, I will only use it to call you."
"You won't find an argument on that from me, Darlin'."
Dang, did he just use that word in that melting butter sexy voice on me again? H
ow the heck was I supposed to act rationally when he said that in that voice! I
was completely flustered.
"So what do you say? Are we good?"
I had no good arguments. And the temptation to talk to him at night was just too
great.
"We're good. Thank you!" I knew I was taking a risk, but I couldn't help myself.
I reached to grab his hand and squeezed it in gratitude. His skin was cold, and
his hard hand did not yield. He looked shocked, both at our physical contact an
d my proximity. I quickly dropped his hand and moved back to my previous positio
n, alarmed that I had somehow disturbed the delicate balance he had been working
on all week. You should think things though before you act, Bella!
He stared at his hand, touching it with his other hand as if to make sure it was
still there. Then he looked away, purposely avoiding my gaze. I opened my lips
to speak, but he interrupted before I could get out a word.
"Don't apologize, Bella. I'm fine. This is fine. You just took me by surprise."
"I know. I wasn't thinking. I'm . . ."
"I thought I asked you not to apologize?" he said, but his smile told me that he
was teasing. I smiled back at him gratefully.
"Thank you, Jasper, really. This is one of the most thoughtful gifts anyone has
ever given me. It's perfect."
He grinned, obviously pleased with my reaction.
"I pre-programmed my number into it already, so all you have to do to call me is
hold the number 1 button. I programmed your home as number 2 and the police sta
tion as number 3. I have the charger for you and I'd recommend plugging it in be
fore you call me at night, just in case you do end up falling asleep. I wouldn't
want the battery to run down and for us to lose the connection. I got you an ea
rpiece as well – so your hands can be free."
Oh Lord, I was going to burn in hell for an eternity! I was sure his comment was
 perfectly innocent, but the direction my mind took when he mentioned free hands
would make a sailor blush. It certainly made me blush. He looked confused.
"What is it? Did I say something wrong?"
"Nothing," I said as I scrambled off the sofa, "I just need to use the washroom.
" I ran as fast as I could towards the powder room, hiding like a coward behind
the door, as if that would stop him from reading all of my feelings. I turned on
the cold water and splashed some on my face, then ran it over the pulse points
on my wrists. I seriously needed to do something to keep these ridiculous though
ts and images from my mind! I was acting like an oversexed, perverted teenage bo
y! It was completely unbecoming!
I had used the washroom as an excuse, but once there I realized that I did indee
d need a human moment. I was grateful that it was still stocked with all the hum
an necessities, like soap and toilet paper. When I was done, I washed my hands a
nd smoothed my hair before coming back out to the living room.
"Everything all right?" Jasper asked, watching me with a curious expression.
"Fine," I said, hoping it sounded as breezy as I had meant it to. "So what do we
do now?"
I spent the rest of the afternoon watching Jasper beat me at Chess, Checkers and
Scrabble. I had the most success with the latter, though I could never quite co
me up with letter combinations as good as his. No wonder, I didn't have the whol
e Webster's dictionary committed to memory! Gah!
Too soon it was time to leave again. I loaded the phone and accessories into my
bag, thanking Jasper again, then headed out to the truck.
"Remember to call me tonight," he yelled as I pulled away from the house.
Chapter 13: Lullabye
I'd left with plenty of time to spare, so I wasn't surprised that Charlie's crui
ser wasn't there when I pulled into the driveway. The phone started ringing as I
let myself into the house. I ran to the kitchen extension, wondering if Jasper
had forgotten to tell me something.
"Hey, Bells!" the voice on the other end of the line was not the one I was hopin
g to hear.
"Hi, Jacob."
"So Bella, Bella, Bella …you've been a bad girl." He teased. I wasn't in the mood.
"What are you talking about, Jake?"
"Well, first you don't even bother to call me to let me know about the rest of y
our night with Newton, then you don't come out to LaPush with your dad, and then
you sneak out of the house for the whole day when you said you were going to be
studying."
I felt like a kid caught with her hand in the cookie jar. And here I thought eve
rything had gone so well.
"I'm sorry for not calling, Jake. Everything was fine last night. Mike tried to
kiss me but there was a noise in the yard and it startled him, so that was lucky
." Ha! Luck had nothing to with it. But I wasn't about to explain to Jake that J
asper was staking out my house waiting to see if I needed help with Mike.
"Good. I was worried. He seemed pretty determined. After you pulled away I thoug
ht I should have warned him off or something, but it was too late."
I sighed. I was starting to believe Jasper's theory about me inspiring over prot
ectiveness in others.
"I'm glad you didn't think of it in time. I didn't want to terrorize Mike, just
keep him at bay. And about today, I thought that after spending all day with me
yesterday you'd be sick of me and wouldn't want me to intrude on the game."
"I could never be sick of you, but I probably wouldn't have been a lot of fun fo
r you to hang out with today. I know you don't like to watch sports," he admitte
d, grudgingly. "So where were you all day? I called many times."
"I was out with a friend," there was no way to disguise the fact that I was bein
g evasive.
"A friend, huh? A friend you don't want Charlie to know about? Who was it?"
I decided I couldn't lie to Jacob, especially since he already knew Jasper was i
n town.
"I spent the day with Jasper." I heard Jake's sharp intake of breath.
"Cullen?" He whispered.
"It's actually Hale," it's actually Whitlock, "but yes, Edward's brother."
"Bella. . ." he sounded both worried and disapproving.
"You made your feelings clear yesterday, Jake. But I already told you - he won't
be in town forever. And in the meantime talking with him has actually really he
lped me get some closure on the whole situation with Edward."
"Sure, sure. Just make sure all he does is talk." I felt my face flush. Sometime
s talking could be dangerous too!
"How many times do I have to tell you, Jacob Black, it's not like that. He is wi
th someone – even if I was interested, which I'm not, he's not available. And besi
des, who died and appointed you my chaperone?"
"Um, I think it was you, Bells. When you asked me for help with Mike."
"Ugh, that was just a one-night thing. And I don't need a chaperone with Jasper,
anyway, so back off already." I was really miffed.
"Eazy, Bells. Geeze! What did you do, get up on the wrong side of the bed or som
ething?" Now he sounded hurt. Darn. I didn't mean to be snippy.
"I'm sorry, Jake. It's just, well, how much does Charlie know?"
There was a pause before Jacob spoke, as if he was carefully considering how to
respond.
"I didn't tell him anything and I didn't see him make any calls, so as far as I
know he's clueless." Jacob suddenly sounded serious. "But Bella, if spending tim
e with this guy is so innocent, why don't you want Charlie to know?"
That remark hit its target. Sure, I knew Charlie wouldn't be crazy about me spen
ding hours alone with any older boy in a house with no adult supervision, but th
ere was more to keeping these visits secret. I didn't want anyone to know Jasper
was here because I knew any day he might go away again, and I didn't want every
one to know I've been abandoned by two Cullen brothers, regardless of the nature
of my relationship with Jasper.
"It's complicated, Jake. Charlie would see it the same way you do, and it would
make things messy and unnecessarily difficult. It's easier not to tell him. Plea
se don't say anything," I pleaded.
"Relax, Bella. I won't snitch. I just hope you know what you're doing. And tell
Jasper that if he touches a hair on your head inappropriately, I'll tear his hea
rt out and feed it to the wolves." I laughed, but even to me it sounded hollow.
"Thanks, Jake. And that last part, well, it definitely won't be necessary."
"OK, Bells." I heard the resignation in his voice. "Charlie left here a few minu
tes ago, so he should be home soon. Just thought you'd want to know."
I looked at the clock. It was late, and I still had chores and homework to do. Y
ikes!
"OK, I've got to go. Thanks, again, Jake. For yesterday and today!" We said our
goodbyes and hung up.
I ran upstairs to assess the homework and laundry situation. I was a little worr
ied when I realized how many things I had left until the last minute. That, plus
I still hadn't contacted Ben to see what I missed while I was daydreaming in cl
ass on Friday. After making a couple of calls, I found Ben at Angela's. Fortunat
ely, the assignment was not too tasking.
I spent the rest of the evening alternating laundry loads and assignments, stopp
ing only to eat the pot roast Charlie brought me from the Clearwaters'. If Charl
ie noticed that I seemed to have entirely too much homework and laundry to do af
ter having worked on it all day, he didn't comment.
With all the work I had to do, time passed quickly. After the news was over Char
lie turned in for the night. I was still working on my Spanish assignment. All t
he nights of burning the midnight oil were starting to catch up with me, and I f
ound it hard to stay focused on the short story I was supposed to be writing. Fi
nally, acknowledging that it was a losing battle, I closed my notebook, hoping I
would have time to finish the assignment in study hall the next day.
I finished my evening toilet quickly and changed for bed. I made sure my new pho
ne was plugged into the charger and I put on my earpiece. I was looking forward
to speaking with Jasper. As tired as I was, I didn't expect the conversation to
last long, but I was excited at he thought of falling asleep to the sound of his
voice. I turned off the lights and snuggled in under my quilt. Then I reached o
ver to the phone and held down the 1 key.
"Finally," he said softly, "I was beginning to wonder if you'd changed your mind
."
"That's silly. Why would I do that?"
"I don't know. You and I spent a lot of time together today. I thought you might
have reached your limit." He actually sounded as though he believed it could be
true. I felt the need to re-assure him.
"Jasper, I enjoyed every minute of the time we spent together. I wish it could h
ave been longer."
"Me too, darlin'. Me too." Mmmm, I still loved the way he said that word, but to
night I was too tired for stomach summersaults.
"It's working well, isn't it?" I asked to distract myself.
"What?"
"The training. Spending more time with people and with me. Your self-control and
endurance are improving."
He hesitated.
"Yes they are."
"How much longer?" I didn't want to finish the sentence. I was sure he would und
erstand the question. I needed to know how much time was left before he returned
to his family.
"I'm not sure," he whispered, "A while." I sighed with mild frustration. In vamp
ire time a while could be measured in days or years.
"Did you have a good evening?" He asked, clearly wishing to change the subject.
"It was okay. Boring, really. I just did my homework and laundry. How about you?
"
"I've been watching Firefly."
"You went on without me? No fair!"
"Of course not, Bella. I'm watching the episodes on Disc 1."
"But we just watched those earlier," I said, surprised.
"You watched those earlier," he corrected, "I was mostly watching you."
I blushed. I knew he was telling the truth.
"Why did you do that, exactly?"
"It was more enjoyable than watching the shows."
"But I thought Firefly was one of your favorites."
"It is, which is why I'm watching it again tonight, despite my perfect recall. B
ut seeing your face and your reactions as you watched it for the first time, wel
l, I wouldn't have missed that for anything. It was almost like I was watching i
t for the first time too."
"Hmmm," I murmured. I was getting really tired, too tired to try to respond.
"I can't wait to watch the next episode with you Thursday." I frowned. Thursday
seemed so far away. I didn't understand why we couldn't see each other before th
en.
"You don't want me to come over again until Thursday?" I asked, slightly hurt. F
or a moment there was no response and I felt an overwhelming sense of dread.
"I would love to see you before Thursday, Bella, but you've had a few days off i
n a row now and I figured you would be working. Since we couldn't see each other
anyway, I planned an out of town hunting trip."
It was my turn to pause as I processed this information. He was leaving. Don't p
anic, Bella. It's just a hunting trip. It's not permanent yet. He'll be back. De
spite my self-admonitions, I was already starting to feel empty.
"I see," was all I could get out before my voice broke. In an instant my eyes fi
lled with tears that spilled over onto my pillow. I sniffled involuntarily.
"Bella. . ." I couldn't respond, "Bella, darlin'. . ." For once, the endearment
had the opposite effect and the tears came faster. I was sniffling uncontrollabl
y now. I placed my right hand over my mouth and nose in an effort to mask the so
unds.
"Bella, shhhh. . ." Jasper tried to soothe me, but his words had little effect.
"Shhh. . . my darlin' girl . . . shhh . . . please" it was the last desperate pl
ea that finally broke through the fog and stopped me short. My rate of sniffling
slowed.
"I'm. . ." sniffle, "I'm sorry," sniffle, "I don't mean to. . ."sniffle, "be suc
h a baby." Sniffle.
"Shhhh. . . You're not a baby. I understand. I should have realized. . ."
"Realized what?" Sniffle
"That it was too soon for a trip. I should have known how that might impact you.
"
Sniffle. "No. . ." Sniffle, "How could you. . ." sniffle, "have realized. . ." s
niffle, "that I would be. . ." sniffle, "so pathetic." Sniffle.
"Never say that!" He said, sharply. "Never use that word in reference to yoursel
f again!"
"But I am," I whined. "That's exactly what I am."
"Bella. . ." he was pleading again, "Please stop, Bella. You're killing me, darl
in'. You're breaking my heart. I won't go. I'll just keep hunting close to home.
Only please stop crying."
His reference to hunting triggered something in my mind, a memory that was just
beneath the surface. Desperately I tried to focus and think why hunting close to
home might be important. Then, I remembered, and my sniffling stopped.
"No!" I said, my voice suddenly strong again. "You should go away to hunt."
"What?" he sounded confused? "I don't have to leave, Bella. There's plenty of ga
me on our land."
"I know," I said, "But you should go anyway. You've already been seen around her
e. Maybe if you're not seen again, no one would have to know."
"Who's seen me?" Jasper sounded confused. "I haven't sensed a human around me fo
r days, except in Port Angeles."
"Jacob told me he overheard his father talking with Sam Uley. Apparently Sam saw
you somewhere near the reservation border. You must have been hunting."
Jasper did not respond right away. When he did, his voice was still incredulous.
"I was only near the border once, and I'm certain there were no humans within mi
les. I checked before, to make sure there were no accidents."
"All I know is what Jake told me. And he told me before he knew I had already se
en you, so he had no reason to lie. It's better if you hunt out of the area for
a while. Maybe if no one sees you again, they won't say anything to Charlie."
Jasper thought about it for a second.
"Are you sure you're all right with me going?"
"Yes." I replied, my voice steady. I was fine with him leaving temporarily if it
meant he could come back and we could see each other again without me having to
explain things to Charlie. "Like you said, I'll be at school and work. We would
n't be able to see each other anyway."
"We can still talk at night," he said. "It will be just like it is right now, li
ke I'm right here beside you." My breath caught. My hand moved of its own accord
to feel the bed beside me. He had sounded so convincing, I wondered for a secon
d if he had come into my room without me noticing. But the spot beside me was wa
rm and empty.
"And I'll see you Thursday?" I unsuccessfully tried to stifle a yawn.
He chuckled gently.
"Yes, you'll see me Thursday. But now you really should go to sleep. It is a sch
ool night."
"I don't want to," I said, stubbornly. "Let's keep talking."
"Darlin', would you mind if I tried something else?" he asked quietly.
"No," I responded hesitantly.
"Then close your eyes." I did as he requested. And then Jasper started to sing,
his soft base soothing in my ear.
when the sky has fallen
like a blanket on your shoulder
and the moon is like a mother
looking over you forever
and the dawn is so familiar
you were meant to be together
like a fog around a mountain - forever
so softly - so sweetly
surrounding you completely
sing you a lullabye - a lullabye to you
lullabye - a lullabye to you
There was a second verse, but the words no longer registered. All I heard was th
e calming sound of his voice as I drifted into sleep.
Chapter 14:
I woke up Monday morning with the earpiece still in my ear.
"Jasper," I said, a bit groggy.
"Good morning, Bella." He was still there! "Did you sleep well?"
"Mmm," I said and stretched. "That lullaby was gorgeous, Jasper. I didn't know y
ou were so talented. Thank you!"
"Can't take credit for the song – I borrowed it from Concrete Blonde – but I'm glad
you enjoyed it."
"It was amazing. You'll have to sing if to me again!"
He laughed a low, throaty laugh. "As you wish, darlin'. As you wish."
"So, what did you do while I was sleeping?" I asked curiously.
"Not much. Mostly I drove and listened."
He was driving. That means he was already gone. My heart sank a little.
"Where are you going?"
"Northern Canada. I thought I'd scare up some Lynx."
Northern Canada. It sounded so far away.
"Are you meeting anyone there?" I asked hesitantly. I wondered if any of the Cul
lens were going to join him on the hunt. Okay, if I had to be completely honest
with myself, I really wondered if Alice was going to join him on the hunt. This
sudden realization, and the accompanying anxiety, surprised me. I had to admit I
was scared. If he met with Alice, maybe he wouldn't come back. Nervously, I wai
ted for his response.
"No." His reply was curt, inviting no follow-up. I felt relief, then guilt for f
eeling relieved. Were my feelings for Jasper starting to cross the line? We hadn
't done anything inappropriate, hadn't really said anything inappropriate, hadn'
t really thought – well, best to keep my thoughts out of this. But still. We were
just friends.
"Okay, well, I'd better get ready for school. Good luck today. I'll call you ton
ight."
"Bella?"
"Yes?"
"Remember what I told you when I gave you this number? You can call me any time.
If you need me or you just want to talk, call me."
"What if you're about to snag a Lynx and the phone rings?"
"Bella," he sighed, "You are more important than hunting. Besides, I set both of
our phones on the vibrate setting, so if they go off we can feel it and no one
else needs to know. So if you need me, call me, anytime," he stressed.
"Okay," I relented. "If I need you I'll call, but most likely I'll talk to you t
onight."
"Have a good day, Bella."
"You too."
Charlie was already gone, so I got ready for school quickly and grabbed a fast b
reakfast. I wasn't looking forward to this week at all. I faced three lonely day
s of school and work. Worse, after the movie disaster, I would have to be extra
vigilant to avoid being trapped alone with Mike and I would have to stop daydrea
ming so I didn't accidentally agree to do more stupid stuff.
As I opened the door to my truck, I noticed a package resting on the floor near
the pedals. It was a plain paper bag. Curious, I picked it up and looked inside.
It held a portable DVD player, the 1st disc of Firefly and some of my favorite
chips and soda. I smiled and quickly unfolded the enclosed note.
"Just in case you want to watch these again to catch the moments you missed whil
e looking at me."
The note wasn't signed. I ran my fingers over the neat printing before folding t
he note and tucking it into my wallet. I went back to hide the bag in my bedroom
, then returned to the truck and left for school.
Once again I relied on Angela and Ben to serve as shields against being cornered
by Mike. At lunch, I begged off eating with the group, using my unfinished Span
ish essay as an excuse. I did my best not to get all day-dreamy about Jasper, bu
t I slipped up once or twice. Fortunately, I didn't seem to have missed out on a
nything important.
After school I worked at the store. Luckily it was Mike's day off, so I didn't h
ave to worry about any uncomfortable run-ins. I overheard him planning to watch
Monday Night Football with Tyler and Eric, so I didn't even have to worry about
him stopping by.
When my shift was over I went home and had dinner. Charlie was watching football
. I went upstairs and finished my homework first, then settled in on the bed and
turned on the DVD player. Just watching the show made me feel closer to Jasper
and I was also glad for the distraction, which helped time go by until it was ti
me to call him again.
I knew Charlie would be staying up late because of the game, so I didn't wait fo
r him to come upstairs before I got ready for bed and turned off my lights. I wo
uld have to be careful, listening for him coming up the stairs to make sure he d
idn't overhear my conversation, but I couldn't let this little roadblock stop me
from calling Jasper. I tucked myself under my quilt and pressed the 1 key.
"Bella," his voice was soft, feathery, like a caress. I closed my eyes and felt
warmth spread all through my body. He had been right last night. Hearing his voi
ce made it feel like he was right here beside me.
" Jasper," my voice was equally soft, though not nearly as melodic as his. In my
head I visualized his perfect, handsome face.
"Did you like your surprise?" He asked.
"Very much," I whispered. "I watched some of it tonight. It reminded me of you."
He laughed.
"That's just what I hoped when I left it for you. What else did you do today?"
He wanted to hear about my day and wouldn't let me gloss over anything, so I des
cribed it all in minute detail, including the two hikers who came into the store
with a tall tale about a large animal, probably a bear, that they had seen whil
e hiking on the reservation, but that did not bother them or their foolishly unp
rotected food supply. I explained how skillfully Mr. Newton used their story aga
inst them by convincing them to purchase bare-safe food storage. As I spoke, I h
eard Charlie come upstairs, get ready for bed and disappear into his bedroom. I
breathed a silent sigh of relief, knowing that I was now able to fully concentra
te on the conversation, without any distractions.
Jasper laughed at the bear story, but then became serious.
"Do me a favor, Bella, and stay away from the woods, just in case. The hikers we
re probably making the whole thing up, but if by some miracle a bear was anywher
e near Forks, with your bad luck he would head straight for you. Best to keep yo
urself out of possible harm's way."
"Geeze, Jasper, paranoid much?" I giggled quietly.
"Only when it comes to your safety," he admitted, "and with good reason, at leas
t based on past experience."
"Well, it's not like I have time to go hiking while you're gone, but if somethin
g changes I promise I'll ask Jake to go with me – he's large enough to scare any b
ear."
Jasper was silent. What did I say now? Was he really this worried about me and t
he imaginary bear? I sighed.
"I promise, Jasper, no hiking. Like I said, I don't have time. And as clumsy as
I am, I don't go hiking even when I do have time. So don't worry, okay?"
"Okay," there was something different about his voice. Something I couldn't iden
tify. There was a barrier between us now that wasn't there earlier. It was time
to change the subject.
"Speaking of hiking, it's your turn to tell me about your day."
He remained silent for a moment, almost as if he were trying to get himself back
 into the right frame of mind. Then he started speaking, his rich voice wrapping
comfortably around me. He told me about his drive up and his hunt for Lynx. He
described the landscape in a way that made me feel as thought I'd taken the trip
with him.
Unexpectedly, I realized that I wished I had taken the trip with him. I wanted t
o spend time with him in a place that was away from the familiar, free from memo
ries and expectations and obligations. A place where we could say anything to ea
ch other.
"I wish I could be there with you." Did I really just verbalize my thoughts like
that? My face burned with embarrassment. Would he understand what I'd been thin
king? "I mean, it sounds so lovely," I quickly added to cover up my slip.
"I wish you could be here too," he said softly. And then softer still, so I coul
d hardly even hear it, he added "nothing here is as lovely as you."
My breathing stopped; my heart stopped; everything in the world came to a crashi
ng halt. Could I possibly have heard him right? No. I must have imagined the who
le thing.
Silence stretched between us and there were no safe topics of conversation left.
"I miss you," I whispered.
"I know, darlin'. I miss you too."
"I think if you had been here today, I would have found a way to see you, even i
f just for a few minutes."
"I have no doubt we would have found a way."
"Do you ever wish. . . ?"
"You know I do."
"I do too."
It was strange having this conversation without any real words, yet fully unders
tanding the meaning. It was like a secret pact – as long as we didn't say it out l
oud, as long as there were no verbal acknowledgements, we could pretend it wasn'
t really happening.
More silence followed, and then Jasper started signing softly
I'd like to meet you
In a timeless
Placeless place
Somewhere out of context
And beyond all consequences
If language were liquid
It would be rushing in
Instead here we are
In a silence more eloquent
Than any word could ever be
My breath caught again. He had taken thoughts from my head and put them to music
.
"How do you do it, Jasper?" I asked in amazement.
"How do I do what, darlin'?"
"How do you know just the perfect song?"
I could hear him smile in response. "I've listened to a lot of music and I have
perfect recall."
"Oh," when he put it like that, it sounded almost routine.
"And I've had a lot of time lately to listen to music that makes me think of you
and the way you make me feel."
"How do I make you feel?" I asked tentatively. I wasn't sure if I wanted him to
answer. We were treading on dangerous ground. I should have known he'd respond w
ith another song, a song I recognized and knew well.
The world was on fire, no one could save me but you
Strange what desire will make foolish people do
I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you
And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you
No, I don't want to fall in love
No, I don't want to fall in love
With you
He broke the song off, the absence of his voice startling. I understood perfectl
y. It wasn't just me. He had felt it too. We were both trying to resist, because
there were too many people who would be devastated if we gave in.
"Bella, what are you thinking?" He asked, his voice betraying just a slight hint
of anxiety. Belatedly, I realized that I hadn't reacted to the song. I needed t
o reassure him but I couldn't speak, so I responded by singing the next verse.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
To let me dream of you
What a wicked thing to say
You never felt this way
What a wicked thing to do
To make me dream of you
And I don't wanna fall in love
No I don't want to fall in love
With you
I stopped singing, listening to more silence between us. My heart ached.
"Bella, I never . . ." he finally said, letting the rest of the sentence hang. I
didn't need to hear the end.
"I know, Jasper. Neither did I."
He sighed heavily. "What are we going to do?"
I sighed too. "We'll spend a little more time together as good friends, until yo
ur training is over and you go back."
"Darlin', you don't know how much I wish things were different."
"Actually, Jasper, I think I do. I think I know exactly. But we can't do anythin
g about it, so we have to let it go. Things are what they are – it's not within ou
r control." Two tears slipped out of the corners of my eyes, but I refused to gi
ve in and let more of them escape.
"I know," his voice was full of resignation. "I've kept you up too late with thi
s drivel. You need to get some rest. Goodnight, sweet Bella."
"Just one more thing, Jasper."
"Yes?"
"Will you sing me my lullaby?"
And he began to sing once more.
Chapter 15: Aftermath
The downside to falling asleep while still on the phone with someone who has per
fect hearing is that when you wake up there is nowhere to hide. I opened my eyes
Tuesday morning with a clear memory of the previous night's conversation and an
overwhelming sense of terror. It had been hard enough to say what little I actu
ally said last night, under the cover of darkness. In the light of day I just wa
nted to take it all back. I knew after last night things had to change, and I fe
ared not for the better. I just wanted to turn back time to Monday morning.
I was careful not to move or make a single noise during my musings, trying to fi
gure out what to say to Jasper when I was finally ready to speak. But I must hav
e done something to give myself away, because all too soon he spoke.
"Good morning, Bella."
"Hi Jasper," I said quietly, tentatively. I hadn't felt so awkward with him sinc
e the night I first saw him at the house. After last night's revelations I wasn'
t sure how to proceed.
"Don't stress. Last night doesn't have to change anything. We'll find a way to m
ake it work," he said quietly. Once again I wondered how he was able to read my
mind and my mood, even across the miles. But seriously? Last night doesn't have
to change anything? How exactly were we going to close Pandora's Box? He was del
uding himself. Last night changed everything.
"We shouldn't have talked about it," I said sadly. "Now that we know how we feel
, it will be impossible. . ."
"Nothing's impossible, Bella." He objected vehemently. "I'm glad we know," and t
hen, in a softer tone "Now that we both know what we're up against, we can help
each other. It will make things easier." I wasn't sure if he was trying to convi
nce me or himself. I wish I had his capacity for denial.
Now that we both know what we're up against. Is that how he saw it – the feelings
that were starting to grow between us? As some sort of an obstacle to fight thro
ugh? My anger flared, and then immediately receded. Yes, I supposed that's exact
ly what they were. The feelings were a barrier to our friendship, a barrier to n
ormal relationships with his family, a barrier to our inevitable future apart fr
om one another. They were something to battle and conquer. And in a battle, it w
as better to have allies. Major Jasper Whitlock would have been keenly aware of
that.
I sighed. I didn't want to think about battles. I didn't want to think about the
future. And most of all, I didn't want to think about what mental deficiency dr
ove me towards falling for men that could never love me back the way I loved the
m. There were self-help books out there for women like me, weren't there? Probab
ly shelves and shelves full. I made a mental note to stop by a book store next t
ime I was in Port Angeles to find therapy in a paperback.
"Bella, please don't shut me out. What are you thinking?" I knew he needed me to
tell him how I felt, but I could not. There wasn't enough time and I didn't hav
e the emotional strength.
"I'm thinking I need to get ready for school before I'm late. I'll call you toni
ght."
"Bella . . ." he was pleading.
"I'm sorry, Jasper. I can't do this right now. I need time to figure things out.
I'll call you tonight."
"Okay," he responded. "Take care of yourself today." I heard the dissatisfaction
and anxiety in his voice, but there was nothing I could do to help him
"I will," I promised and hung up the phone.
School was positively awful. Everyone seemed to sense my horrible mood and conti
nually asked me what was wrong. It's not that I didn't appreciate the concern, b
ut what was I supposed to tell them? There was nothing else going on in my life
that could possibly account for my mood shift, and I couldn't say anything about
Jasper. I briefly considered confiding in Angela, but dismissed the thought alm
ost immediately. What would she think of me if she found out that I was falling
in love with my ex-boyfriend's brother who also happened to be dating my former
best friend? I didn't think even Angela had it in her to see that kind of behavi
or as anything but abhorrent.
I did my best to isolate myself from everyone all day. I'd never spent so much t
ime in bathroom stalls in my life, but it was the only place where I could be as
sured privacy and freedom from unwelcome inquiries. In my mind, I kept replaying
the conversation from last night.
"What are we going to do?"
"We'll spend a little more time together as good friends, until your training is
over and you go back."
"Darlin', you don't know how much I wish things were different."
I knew we both wished things were different. But wishing, no matter how hard, do
es not make it so.
By the end of the day people stopped talking to me, realizing that I would not a
nswer their questions. I was grateful. Then, in my last class, I walked in to fi
nd a candy bar on my desk wrapped in a piece of notebook paper. Confused, I unwr
apped the note.
"Just hoping this will make you feel better and bring out your gorgeous smile."
I scrunched up my face, still no closer to figuring out where the note and candy
had come from. I looked around the room and my eyes stopped on Mike, who was lo
oking at me expectantly. When he saw me looking at him his face lit up and he ga
ve me a half-wave. I couldn't help but smile back. He gave me the thumbs up sign
with both hands, and turned back to the front of the classroom.
It was silly, but this little gesture actually made me feel better. No questions
, no pestering, just something sweet to brighten my day. Mike really was a good
friend.
Mike and I were both scheduled to work that evening, but once again a steady str
eam of customers kept us occupied. I made sure that he saw me eating the candy b
ar on my break, and sent him another grateful smile. Then I quickly looked away,
sending as strong a signal as I could that I wanted to be alone. As if not want
ing to disturb the chocolate bonding, Mike didn't try to approach me for the res
t of the night.
Back at home it was the usual dinner and homework routine. I watched some more F
irefly, but my heart wasn't in it. I barely paid attention. I was so nervous abo
ut calling Jasper. I still had no idea what I was going to say. I wanted to be m
ature and nonchalant, but I just felt like crying. It wasn't fair. None of this
was fair. I had no business thinking of Jasper as anything but a friend or an ol
der brother, and he had no business stirring up other feelings in me with his th
oughtful gestures, and his darlin's and his lullabyes. We both stepped over the
line and now we would both have to pay the price and it wasn't fair.
I hid the DVD player in the closet and grabbed a book. I heard Charlie come upst
airs and yell good night through the door. I should have gotten ready for bed an
d turned off the lights, but I was a coward, trying to put off the inevitable to
the last possible moment. When I finally went to the bathroom I took extra time
to make sure every tooth was brushed three times and that every inch of my face
was thoroughly scrubbed clean. I even folded my clothes before dumping them int
o the laundry hamper. Eventually, I ran out of excuses. With a heavy sigh I turn
ed off the lights, got under the covers, put on the earpiece and called Jasper.
"How are you?"
"Not great," I admitted. "You?"
"I've been better. I want to see you so badly today. I was so close to getting i
n the car and driving back, or leaving it at an airport and flying."
"Why didn't you?"
He paused. I could tell he didn't really want to answer. "I wasn't sure I'd be w
elcome. When you wouldn't talk to me this morning, I didn't know what to think.
I wondered if you'd prefer that I not return to Forks."
"Oh, Jasper," I sighed, "it's not that I wouldn't talk to you, I just didn't kno
w what to say. I still don't know what to say."
"I've had all day to think with few distractions. Would you like me to start?"
"Please." I shut my eyes tight, my stomach in knots over what he was about to sa
y.
"First of all, we haven't done anything wrong. We may have had thoughts that wen
t beyond friendship, but we haven't acted on them. I think it's important we rem
ember that."
"Right." My voice was small. He was right, of course, but it didn't make me feel
any better.
"Second, our friendship began under extreme circumstances. You had just lost Edw
ard and I . . . I was separated from . . . from my family. In that kind of envir
onment, where we were both hurt and lonely, it was easy to misinterpret signs, m
isidentify emotions."
What was he saying? That my attraction for him was just some sort of need to rep
lace Edward and that in his eyes I was a substitute for Alice? I pressed both of
my hands tightly across my face, putting extra pressure on my eyes to keep my t
ears at bay.
"Third, I think we had always represented the forbidden and dangerous to one ano
ther. We weren't allowed to interact. Now that we are getting to know each other
, it's natural to feel that thrill of finally achieving that which had previousl
y been denied. It's bound to intensify the relationship artificially, beyond wha
t it would ordinarily be."
Everything he said sounded so cold and clinical and it was dead wrong. I wanted
to scream! The attraction I felt towards him had nothing to do with danger or an
y other boy, even Edward. It had everything to do with the person I've gotten to
know over the past two weeks. The kind, caring, funny, handsome, sexy, mysterio
us, charming . . . Stop it, Bella! Thoughts like these are what got you in this
mess to begin with!
I re-focused on what Jasper had said and realized that, of course, he wasn't rea
lly talking about me. The whole day of thinking about the situation had only giv
en him insight into his own feelings and the motivation behind them. So for him
it was the extreme circumstances of our friendship, and his view of me as the fo
rbidden fruit, that inspired the response he initially misinterpreted as attract
ion. The wave of pain that washed over me as I recognized the true nature of his
feelings was overwhelming, and suddenly I was right back on the path, watching
Edward disappear into the forest, feeling worthless and alone.
"Bella," Jasper's gentle voice broke through the fog of my self-pity, "you still
haven't said anything. Won't you please tell me what you're thinking?"
And here was the difference between Edward and Jasper. The precise difference th
at drove my feelings for Jasper. He cared about me and what I had to say. He cou
ld have easily behaved like Edward and left me when he realized that his feeling
s for me had been an illusion, but he didn't need to crush me for his own entert
ainment. And he said he wanted to come back to Forks to see me. However false so
me of his emotions towards me had been, he still wanted to be my friend.
Could I do this? Could I go on with the friendship and tuck away all my other fe
elings for him? Could I hide them from Jasper of all people? But what was the ot
her option? I couldn't face the possibility of losing all of him right now. A fr
iendship, however brief, was better than nothing.
"Bella, I know you're still there. I can hear your breathing. Please, darlin', d
on't do this. Say something, anything. Curse me, berate me, it doesn't matter. J
ust please say something. Let me hear your voice."
I was afraid to speak. Afraid that my voice would betray me. And I wasn't ready
for that, wasn't ready to let him know how fragile and vulnerable I suddenly bec
ame. Still, I knew I had to speak. There was only one thing to do. Ask him a que
stion. Keep him talking.
"Jasper?" My voice was raspy, uneven.
"Yes?"
"I need to know . . . Will you tell me . . ." I hesitated.
"Yes?" He was apprehensive.
"Will you tell me what happened with you and your family after the birthday part
y?"
For a long while there was nothing. My tears could no longer be contained and sp
illed out of my eyes like a torrent. I started breathing through my mouth, consc
iously trying to keep my breaths even so as not to alert him to the change, thou
gh I knew it was useless. Even my human ears picked up the increased pace and vo
lume. Finally, Jasper spoke, his voice raw.
"After Emmet and Rosalie wrestled me outside and the bloodlust receded, I ran. I
needed to be alone. I was disgusted by what I had done, by my lack of control o
ver the monster that lived within me so close to the surface. I was horrified th
at I wanted to kill you and how close I came to accomplishing my goal. I didn't
want to go back.
"Eventually Edward caught up with me and forced me to stop. The fury and loathin
g he felt overwhelmed me, but even worse was the pity and the concern. I listene
d to him because I knew I owed him, and he convinced me to return for Alice and
Esme.
"What followed were the hardest days of my life since the three days I spent bur
ning while turning into a vampire. The house was flooded with emotions: rage, an
ger, disgust, resentment, shock, pity. I absorbed them all and they amplified th
e emotions within me beyond the point of endurance. I was going out of my mind.
It was the most intense pain and torture I had ever experienced in my life.
"Worse than anything else were Alice's feelings. She tried to hide them from me,
but they overwhelmed her as well. She too felt the shock and pity, but she also
felt an incredible amount of guilt and regret and self loathing. If I were capa
ble of death, the pain of her feelings would have killed me. I knew she felt gui
lty for not seeing my attack before it happened, not being able to stop and cont
rol me. Then, when Edward announced that he wanted us to leave Forks, all of tho
se feelings increased even more, and I know she felt that bringing me to the Cul
lens and then not being able to control me was the cause of Edward's loss of hap
piness and the family's inability to stay in a place they loved. She took all th
e responsibility on herself, even though I had been the monster who caused the s
ituation.
"She never said anything, and through it all I felt her love, but I knew that wh
ile I was with her and the rest of the family I would never be able to break out
of the tailspin of emotions, where their feelings mixed with mine and forced me
into the deepest, darkest place within me. Trapped as I was in my personal emot
ional hell, I was useless to the rest of the family. One way or another I had to
leave, for everyone's sake.
"It was Carlisle who suggested that I separate myself from the family for a whil
e. He explained that after I had a chance to deal with my own emotions, I would
be able to return and handle my relationship with the rest of them. It was alway
s intended as a temporary parting.
"Alice refused to go along with Carlisle's plan. She begged and pleaded for me t
o go with them. She even offered to leave the Cullens and for the two of us to g
o our separate way, but I couldn't do that to her. I knew how close she was with
the rest of the family and I knew that if we left, as much as she loved me, a p
art of her would always mourn for the loss of the others. And knowing that I cau
sed a part of her to die would torment me forever. It was better to follow Carli
sle's advice, and deal with all the pain at once.
"In the end, it was Edward who convinced Alice to agree to the arrangement. He s
hamed and guilted her into it, calling her selfish for placing her needs before
mine and the rest of the family's. I hated him for it, but it was the only way.
"We agreed that there would be no contact between us until I was ready to return
. That rule was for my benefit. I knew that as soon as I spoke with any of them,
especially Alice, I would return, even if I wasn't ready.
"I didn't tell anyone where I would go, and at first I intended to go back south
, to Houston. But then I realized that the best place to deal with my demons was
the place where I lost control of them – Forks. The house was shuttered. No one w
ould have to know I was there.
"Initially I had wanted to avoid all human contact. Then I realized that this wa
s exactly the opposite of what I needed. I knew that the only way I could go bac
k to the family was if I could prove that I could control the bloodlust, all by
myself, just as they were all able to. So I devised my training plan. And you kn
ow the rest."
Tears continued to pour from my eyes as I listened to his story. I felt every bi
t of his pain, every bit of the overwhelming flood of emotion. This was so much
worse than anything I could have imagined.
"Jasper," I whispered, horrified. Again I was at a loss for words. 'I'm sorry' j
ust didn't seem adequate.
"It's all right, Bella. The plan is working. You saw for yourself that I'm getti
ng stronger."
"Yes. I always knew you would."
"I know. From the moment I told you what I was doing you had more confidence in
me that even I did. It was comforting, and flattering. You didn't even know me.
Your feelings, your reactions, never fail to surprise and confuse me."
"I may not have known you, but I felt your determination and resolve. And I knew
once you had a plan you would execute it. Still, this must be horrible for you.
You must miss her so much." As soon as the words left my mouth I wanted to take
them back. I didn't know why I had brought her into the conversation. Was I try
ing to cause him more pain?
There was another silence. Mentally I berated myself for my thoughtlessness. But
when Jasper spoke, his voice wasn't pained. Instead, it was even and measured.
"Bella, there's something else. Something else I have to tell you. Earlier today
I spoke with Alice."
Chapter 16: Vision
My eyes opened wide in reaction to his words. He spoke with Alice! A hundred que
stions ran through my mind. Who called who and why? What did Alice say? Was ever
yone all right? Did she know about us? Did she want to kill me?
But first and foremost in my mind was the statement he had made only a few minut
es earlier. I knew that as soon as I spoke with any of them, especially Alice, I
 would return, even if I wasn't ready. Jasper wasn't coming back to Forks. He wa
s going back to the Cullens.
I swallowed hard. I didn't think I could ever feel worse than the day Edward lef
t me on the path. I was so wrong. At least when Edward left there was the anger
and resentment that I could hold on to and nourish when I felt overwhelmed by gr
ief. Now there was nothing. We didn't even have a chance to say a proper goodbye
. Jasper had left in the middle of the night and now there was nothing.
I couldn't stand to hear him say the words, to confirm my worst fears, so I reac
hed for the phone and pressed the end key.
Within seconds the phone started buzzing. The vibrations reverberated on the flo
or. Worried about Charlie, I grabbed the phone and stuck it under my pillow. The
vibrations didn't stop. A minute turned into five, then ten. The phone continue
d to vibrate. I considered turning the power off completely, but I couldn't bear
to lose this one last thread of the connection between us, however tenuous.
After fifteen minutes the vibrations stopped. I felt a mixture of sadness and re
lief. It was really over. Then I heard the phone ringing downstairs. I glanced a
t my bedside clock. It was 12:30 a.m. The only calls at this hour would be emerg
encies. With dread I glanced at my now silent phone. He wouldn't! What would he
say when Charlie picked up the phone? Desperate, I flipped open the mobile phone
and pressed 1. The ringing downstairs stopped.
"You hung up on me," his voice was full of hurt and accusation. My grief was mom
entarily replaced by anger.
"Yes," I hissed, "Most people understand that to signal the end of a conversatio
n. What are you doing calling my house? You could have woken Charlie!"
"You hung up on me," he repeated. "Why?" The genuine confusion and pain in his v
oice disarmed me.
"I just couldn't," I choked back a sob, "I didn't want to hear you telling me yo
u weren't coming back."
"What?" He sounded incredulous.
"You said if you spoke with Alice you would go back even if you weren't ready."
"What?" He said again.
"When you were telling me what happened after the party. You said the no contact
rules were there for you, because if you spoke with Alice you would go back eve
n if you weren't ready." I resented him for making me say this out loud. It's no
t as if he didn't have perfect recall. Did he really have to humiliate me like t
his?
"Oh," he said. He sounded relieved. "Bella, silly girl, I was always going to co
me back to Forks. Did you really think I could just go hunting and then not retu
rn, just leave you like Edward did?" he stopped, obviously regretting making the
comparison, "I always intended to come back. And Alice called to make sure I wa
s going back."
"What?" it was my turn to be confused. Why would Alice want Jasper to come back
to Forks? This didn't make any sense.
"Alice had a vision," Jasper was serious again. I panicked. Did Alice see someth
ing about me and Jasper? Had they quarreled? Did she order him to stay away from
her? But he didn't sound like a man who had quarreled with his soulmate earlier
. What in the world was going on? I felt like I stepped into an episode of the T
wilight Zone.
"What did she see?" I asked.
"She saw Laurent. She saw Laurent in Forks."
I stopped breathing. Laurent, the Nomad vampire who used to travel with James an
d Victoria, was coming to Forks. Laurent, who had not been a "vegetarian" like t
he Cullens, was heading for our little town. What if he decided to feed here? We
were all in danger!
"Bella, breathe," Jasper commanded. I took a breath. "It's all right. Laurent ha
d been living with Tanya and her family in Denali. He adopted the vegetarian lif
estyle. As far as we know he plans to continue. But for some reason he's decided
to leave Alaska and come back to the lower 48. Alice saw him in Forks. He was w
atching you. She didn't see him doing anything, but she wanted to make sure I ca
me back to Forks to watch over you, just in case. And I would never leave you he
re alone while he was around. He may have lived as a "vegetarian" for a few mont
hs, but I know all too well how easy it is to slip back to our natural food sour
ce.
"We have a few days before his arrival, but I'm driving back now. And when next
I see you we're going to have to set up some rules, just for a while, to keep yo
u safe. All right?"
I couldn't answer. A nomad vampire was heading for Forks.
"All right, Bella?" Jasper's voice was harder now, demanding a response.
"All right," I answered, though I had no idea what I was agreeing to.
"Did Alice see anything else?" I asked tentatively.
"No, at least not that she told me. She said to say hello to you, and that she w
as sorry, and that she missed you."
"Oh. Okay." My eyes hurt from all the tears and my head hurt from all of the con
fusing information I received tonight. I glanced at the clock again. It was past
1:30. I groaned.
"Bella, what is it?" he was instantly alarmed.
"Nothing. I just have a headache, and it's late. . ."
I heard him curse under his breath.
"I'm so sorry, darlin', I lost track of time. And you have to get up for school
tomorrow. Would you like me to sing you to sleep?"
He was merciless. Just because this didn't mean anything to him. . . But then it
did mean something to me, and I would only be able to have him do this for a sh
ort period of time.
"Yes." I whispered.
"It's a new one," he said gently, "A special song just for tonight."
Once there was a way to get back homeward
Once there was a way to get back home
Sleep pretty darlin' do not cry
And I will sing a lullabye
Golden slumbers fill your eyes
Smiles awake you when you rise
Sleep pretty darlin' do not cry
And I will sing a lullabye
Once there was a way to get back homeward
Once there was a way to get back home
Sleep pretty darlin' do not cry
And I will sing a lullabye
The next morning I woke up saying his name.
"I'm here, Bella," he replied. "Good morning. How do you feel?"
"Ugh," I groaned. "Head still hurts. Eyes still hurt."
"Take some Advil darlin', it will help with both,"
"I know. I will." I really did not want to get out of bed.
"Bella, can I ask you for a favor?" he asked gently.
"Yes, of course" I didn't hesitate.
"Please don't ever hang up on me again. It was . . . distressing. I was worried.
I would have had Charlie check up on you if you hadn't called me back when you
did. I promise I'll never keep you on the line if you want to go, but let me kno
w that you're going, don't just hang up. Okay?"
"Okay," I mumbled, thoroughly embarrassed. I couldn't have been more rude to him
last night if I tried. "I'm really sorry for doing that last night."
"It's all right, Bella, I understand. Now go get ready. You don't want to be lat
e."
"I'll talk to you tonight, Jasper."
"Yes."
Since I didn't feel any better than I had the day before, I stayed out of everyo
ne's way at school again. On occasion I saw people whispering behind me and knew
they were gossiping about me, but I didn't care. My only goal was to get throug
h my classes and head on to work.
The Newton's store was once again busy in the evening, and time passed quickly.
Before I knew it my shift was over. I punched out and headed out to my truck.
"Bella, wait up," Mike had followed me to the parking lot. I couldn't ignore him
, so I stopped and turned around, dreading the impending conversation.
"Hey, Mike," I said weakly, "Thanks for the chocolate yesterday."
"It's no problem. It was so good to see you smile. I should have given it to you
earlier."
"No, your timing was just right. I may not have been able to appreciate it earli
er."
He didn't say anything and we stood in awkward silence.
"Okay, then. See you tomorrow," I said and started to turn back to the truck.
"Wait. Don't go yet."
I turned back to him slowly.
"I know it's late," he said, "so I'll try to make this short. I would have talke
d to you earlier, but it's nearly impossible to catch you alone," he sounded a b
it uncertain, almost as if he sensed I surrounded myself with people by design.
I remained silent, waiting for him to continue. Mike's eyes roved the surface of
the parking lot. Then, suddenly, he looked straight into my eyes.
"Bella, I'm your friend and I always will be, no matter what you tell me tonight
."
Oh-oh. This was not a good start. I took a deep breath.
"I know that, Mike. What is it?"
"Well, I know that you and Edward were really close. And I know that you told Je
ssica you were ready to date other people, but Saturday . . . um. . . Saturday I
got the impression that you felt differently." He paused. His eyes shifted back
to the ground. It was clear he was uncomfortable. Then he looked at me again. "
And . . . well . . . I wanted to ask you . . . Are you just not ready to move on
or . . . or is it me?"
My heart jumped in my chest and constricted painfully. I looked at him, standing
in front of me, so vulnerable. My friend from the first day we met. My very hum
an, very available friend. He had been there for me from the beginning, making s
ure I fit in with other students, sheltering me as much as was possible in gym c
lass, helping me find a job, cheering me up when I needed it, just being there f
or me, even when I was dating Edward, all without any expectations. Of course he
wasn't Jasper, or Edward even, but what human could possibly ever compete with
their immortal perfection? Was it fair to use them as a benchmark that all futur
e love interests had to measure themselves up against when clearly both of them
were beyond my very human reach?
Jasper was only going to be here for a few more weeks, before he left Forks and
me forever. And I now knew his feelings for me were merely platonic. I knew, bec
ause if there had been more to his feelings he would not be coming back. Alice w
ould have seen it and would have demanded that he return to her before anything
actually happened. She may have still been concerned about Laurent, but she coul
d have sent Emmet to guard me. Alice had known, and now I knew, that Jasper was
hers, and that there was nothing between me and him except a foolish girl's fant
asy.
So would it really be so awful, so wrong, to let myself try to fall in love with
Mike? To see what it would be like to have a human boyfriend? To let things hap
pen and see where they led? Deep down I knew I wasn't ready to shoot him down, t
o deny this possibility, to permanently close this door.
"Mike," I knew I had to let down my guard, had to let myself be equally vulnerab
le, "it's not you. You're right, I'm just not quite over him, not quite ready."
There was a hint of a spark in his eye, but his face was still cautious.
"But you think that maybe . . . maybe some day . . . you might be ready? To try?
To be with me?" His eyes pleaded with mine for confirmation. I had to respond.
I had to make a decision. And I really wanted – no, I really needed – to keep hope a
live, for both of our sakes.
"Maybe, Mike . . ." I said quietly, "maybe some day?"
He let out a breath I hadn't realized he'd been holding.
"All right, then I'll wait," He smiled at me tentatively and I smiled back. Then
, suddenly, I panicked. I didn't want to close the door, but I also didn't want
to mislead him.
"I can't be certain I'll ever . . ."
He stepped forward and placed a finger over my lips to silence me.
"Shhh," he said, "I understand. I'm not looking for guarantees. I'm patient. I c
an wait." Then he pulled me close to him and wrapped his arms around me. I stiff
ened, then relaxed as I realized that this was intended as a friendly, comfortin
g embrace, nothing more.
"And no matter what you decide," he whispered in my ear, "No matter what happens
, we'll always be friends."
I nodded in mute agreement. He released me and took both of my hands in his, loo
king searchingly into my eyes.
"Okay, Bella?" He asked.
"Yes," my voice was barely audible.
He let go of my hands, stepped back and smiled a wide smile.
"So, would you like to go to the bond fire at First Beach next weekend? Just as
friends," He held up both of his hands in a defensive gesture. I smiled back.
"Yes, Mike, I'd love to go. Just as friends."
He nodded and started walking back to his car. "OK! See you at school tomorrow,
Bella."
"See you," I replied, the smile still on my face. I turned around and unlocked t
he driver side door. This had been such an unexpected turn of events, but I felt
great. My heart felt lighter. Things between Mike and me were finally right. Be
n and Angela were officially off Bella shielding duty.
I opened the door, got into the truck and started the engine without paying much
attention. Only when I turned my head to make sure the parking lot behind me wa
s clear, did I realize that the passenger seat was occupied.
Chapter 17: Anger
I nearly jumped out of my skin in fright before I recognized the other car occup
ant.
"Jasper!" I cried with surprise and pleasure. "You're here! I didn't expect to s
ee you until tomorrow."
"Apparently not," he said dryly, looking out the driver's side window past my he
ad. I turned and followed his gaze to see Mike getting into his Suburban.
"Oh," I said. "I guess you heard all that?"
"I wasn't trying to eavesdrop, but with the two of you the only people in the pa
rking lot, it was kind of hard to miss. You didn't tell me how much things have
changed while I was away." On the surface his voice was neutral, but I thought I
detected the barest hint of accusation.
"Changed? I don't know what you mean?" I was confused.
"Last Friday you were seeking advice on how to hold Mike off. Tonight you didn't
seem to mind getting closer."
I wasn't sure what was going on, where this conversation was going, and why we w
ere having it in the first place, but I was getting a little mad. I was about to
protest when Jasper said.
"I feel Mike becoming quite worried, probably because you haven't pulled out of
the lot yet. We'd better go before he decides to investigate."
I groaned, but looked back again and pulled the truck out of the parking space.
I drove to the lot exit, not knowing which way to turn. My house was to the righ
t, Jasper's to the left.
"Where should we go?" I asked.
"Charlie's expecting you home, right?"
"Yes."
"You're already late due to the parking lot delay, so we'd better go to your hou
se before Charlie starts to worry and sends out a search party. Plus, Mike is st
ill watching, and we don't want him to think you're driving off to meet another
suitor."
I looked at him out of the corner of my eye. He was staring straight ahead. I kn
ew he could see me with his excellent peripheral vision, but it was clear he was
not interested in eye to eye contact. Fine. Two can play this game. I shifted m
y eyes to the road and completed the right turn. We drove in silence for a few m
inutes until I found a deserted spot with a shoulder wide enough to pull the tru
ck completely off the road.
"What are you doing?" Jasper asked in surprise as I maneuvered the truck onto th
e shoulder and put it in park. I turned to face him.
"I could ask you the same thing," I said, my voice elevated. "What is your probl
em?"
One moment I felt anger building within me, the next I was filled with incredibl
e calm and peace. Incredible, because it wasn't real. I knew Jasper was using hi
s ability to change my emotions. Trying to hold on to the anger was impossible,
so I did the only thing I could think of.
"Please, don't," I requested calmly. "I would very much like to be myself tonigh
t, not some emotional marionette whose puppet master pulls invisible strings." J
asper looked away and the anger returned, though at a lower intensity. I looked
at him suspiciously.
"Are you still. . .?" He turned towards me again and met my gaze straight on.
"No, Bella. This is all you."
"Fine." I crossed my arms across my chest in defiance, though I didn't quite kno
w what I was defying. I chewed on my lower lip in frustration. I still wanted to
address our conversation from earlier, but this new subject was even more impor
tant. I decided I had to tackle it first.
"Jasper," I said, my voice surprisingly steady, "if we are to remain friends," h
is eyes darted to my face in shock – he had not been prepared for this. In truth,
I hadn't been either. I didn't really know this self-possessed Bella who had som
ehow taken over the conversation.
"If we are to remain friends," I repeated, "then you have to respect me." I saw
him opening his mouth to say something. "Please, let me finish." I quickly inter
jected. "I'm sure you're used to using your ability to calm all sorts of situati
ons and I know that in the past I've never objected when you used it on me, but
that was before we were trying to build a relationship of equals. In our friends
hip I will always be at a disadvantage, since you can read my emotions and I can
't read yours. That's bad enough. But to have you manipulate my emotions without
my permission is completely unfair. It robs me of free will.
"I was angry earlier. I know that particular emotion may be difficult for you to
be around, but I had a right to be angry. And when you took away my ability to
feel that anger and forced me to feel the exact opposite, I felt completely help
less and violated."
Jasper's face contorted in pain, as though I'd hit him. His hands balled into fi
sts and he squeezed his eyes tight, his face still twisted into a grimace. All o
f his visible muscles were contracted to the point that his entire body was twit
ching slightly like a conduit for an electric current. It was clear he was wagin
g some internal battle, fighting for control. I could only watch, terrified, not
knowing what caused this sudden change or what he was thinking or feeling.
He must have sensed the shift in my emotions even through his internal struggle,
because his eyes snapped open and he looked at me, frowning. He cursed under hi
s breath with barely restrained fury. My fight or flight instinct was on full al
ert and I knew fighting was not an option. Keeping my movements as small as poss
ible, I inched away from him and reached behind me in search of the door handle.
I should have realized that however small my movements seemed to me, they would
be obvious to him.
"Don't," he said through clenched teeth, "Please, Bella, don't leave. I swear yo
u're not in any danger. Just give me a minute."
I stopped moving. Jasper's assurance that I was not in danger decreased my level
of anxiety. The only fear I had now was for him and whatever internal demons he
was trying to conquer. After another minute I saw his body start to relax and h
is face returned to its normal demeanor. He took a deep breath.
"I'm only making it worse, aren't I?" he asked.
"Your reaction was more intense than I expected," I whispered. There was no poin
t in lying. He knew exactly what I was feeling.
"I'm sorry you had to see that. I'm sorry I scared you. But it was either that o
r going out there and smashing some trees into toothpicks. It's still a challeng
e for me to control my anger."
"But I don't understand why you were so angry? Was it because I was angry with y
ou? Is that why you tried to calm me? Because you knew my anger would provoke th
is kind of reaction from you?"
"No. It had nothing to do with that. I was angry that I hurt you, that I made yo
u question whether you even wanted to be around me. The anger was completely sel
f-directed. I just. . ." he sighed. "I just want to be worthy of your friendship
, because I know I haven't always been and I have a lot to make up for. But I ke
ep screwing it up. I do things that I think will make you feel better, but it al
l seems to go wrong and I don't know why or how to change it. What do I do to st
op driving you away?" In frustration, he ran his left hand through his hair, swe
eping it away from his forehead, only to have it return in a cascade of gold wav
es as soon as his hand was gone. I felt a shiver of excitement go through me and
hoped Jasper was too involved with his thoughts to notice. I watched him carefu
lly, but saw no visible reaction.
"I am so sorry I made you feel the way I did earlier," He continued, sounding ab
solutely miserable. "I just didn't realize. I wasn't thinking. I never meant to
hurt you or control you, or make you feel disrespected. You have to believe me."
He was taking this much worse than I'd expected. I didn't want to hurt him, I ju
st wanted him to stop changing my feelings against my will. I had to do major da
mage control, as quickly as possible.
"I know you didn't do it on purpose. I know using your ability is so ingrained t
hat you do it without thinking. It's just that I don't think I can keep seeing y
ou if I'm not allowed to be myself, to experience my own feelings. I can't be fr
iends with someone who manipulates me or tries to control me, even when they thi
nk they're doing it for my own good."
"I know, Bella. I understand and I absolutely agree. Would you believe you're th
e first person to ever say these things to me, to ever put it that way? My famil
y is so used to these stupid powers – Edward's mind reading, Alice's visions, my e
mpathic abilities – that no one has ever seriously complained. And I've never been
close enough to anyone else who knew what I was doing for them to tell me how i
t made them feel. I suppose Edward might have heard complaints, but he never sai
d anything . . . I can't believe I've been such an idiot. I'm an emotional moles
ter."
"Jasper," I said quietly, "Please stop berating yourself. You didn't know and yo
u were just using your ability to defend yourself against my anger. It was insti
nctive for you. I understand."
He interrupted me with a bitter laugh. "Instinctive," he spat out with disgust.
"Yes, my instincts certainly lead me to damage others. That's been the one const
ant in my life."
Oh crap. Open mouth, insert foot. What the hell did I have to say that for? How
could I forget it was his instinctive lust for my blood that put this situation
in motion in the first place? Think, Isabella, for heaven's sake think before yo
u speak!
"Jasper, please stop," I whispered, feeling absolutely awful. He looked at me ag
ain, but now his face was cautious. "You're doing it again," I said, "Although y
ou're being completely fair about it," I quickly added.
"What do you mean?" he was confused. Good. Confusion was better than anger or se
lf-pity.
"You're reacting way too strongly to what I've said. Instead of being mad at you
for what you did, I have to feel awful for hurting you too much."
His face changed from confusion to disbelief. He threw his head back and laughed
, but it wasn't a happy laugh. What the hell did I say now?
"Bella, you're impossible!" Huh?
"Only you could take a situation like this and manage to make yourself feel badl
y about it. Damn, but we're a damaged pair."
I wasn't sure I understood what he was talking about, but at least he was no lon
ger angry with himself. That was a step in the right direction. I had to keep it
going.
"Jasper, I need you to listen to me. I understand. Just like you understood this
 morning about me hanging up, and only asked me not to do it again instead of dw
elling on it. It's like that. If you want me to keep seeing you then just never
manipulate my feelings against my will again. Simple." He hung his head. He was
back to feeling miserable. When he spoke, his voice was filled with remorse.
"I really am sorry, Bella. I was trying to help, to make the situation more comf
ortable. But I see now that it only made things more comfortable for me." He loo
ked up at me, staring straight into my eyes. "I swear it will never happen again
!"
"I believe you." I said simply. He seemed satisfied and settled back into his se
at.
"And if you slip," I made sure my voice was light and teasing, so he knew I was
just trying to further ease the tension, "I suppose we could always stay phone f
riends, since your gift doesn't work long-distance."
He groaned. Then he turned back to face me and leaned closer, his topaz eyes sta
ring deeply into mine, his voice turning low and husky.
"Darlin', I would rather be torn to shreds and burned in the deepest pit of hell
than to slip up and face those consequences. As much as I love hearing your voi
ce on the phone, I couldn't exist if something I did caused us to never see each
other again. The way I feel when I'm with you – I can't describe it, I can't expl
ain it, but it's absolutely irreplaceable."
Chapter 18: A swim in Denial
Oh My God! He was doing it again. Saying things in a way that made them so easy
for me to misinterpret, to think he actually did care for me as more than a frie
nd. I knew he didn't mean it the way I wanted him to, but a part of me was so de
sperate to believe. I had to do something to make him stop, stop using that sexy
voice, stop leaning in so that his masculine, spicy scent overwhelmed my senses
, and stop using the word darlin' that sent shivers down my spine and sent blood
coursing through my veins at neck-break speed. If he continued, one day soon my
resolve would crumble and I would grab him into a passionate kiss that would br
ing down on me the wrath of Alice and the whole Cullen family faster than I coul
d say Forks.
It doesn't matter how you feel about him. He doesn't feel the same way about you
. Don't ruin what you already have by wishing for something that can never be. S
ay something. You need to let him know you understand what he's trying to say.
His proximity and his unyielding eyes made thinking difficult. Still, it was a n
ecessary part of this charade that I think of a response, fast. My self preserva
tion instinct finally clicked in and I was able to look away, which helped clear
my head somewhat.
What was it that he had said? Something about being with me causing him to feel
things he couldn't explain? Well, of course he couldn't explain it, any more tha
n I could explain how I felt about spending a meaningful evening with a bowl of
ice cream. He was fraternizing with food, for heaven's sake. Who could explain t
hat?
"That actually makes sense," I muttered.
"What makes sense?" He sounded confused. Shoot! Did I really say that out loud?
I shot a glance in his direction from beneath my lashes, ready to look away inst
antly if there was any chance of getting caught back up again in that magnetic g
aze. Though he was still facing me, his eyes were now relaxed. I was safe.
"It makes sense that being with me would make you feel differently than you've e
ver felt before. You've never spent this much time before in close proximity wit
h a human, so of course this is different. Jut like any predator spending a lot
of time with its natural prey," I saw him wince at that remark. It probably wasn
't the best way to phrase what I was trying to say.
"What I mean," I quickly continued, "Is that this happens in nature from time to
time. One of my neighbors in Phoenix had a pet German shepherd and a pet rabbit
, and the two got along beautifully. In fact, the rabbit bossed the shepherd aro
und. I'm sure the shepherd was pretty confused about how this little bunny made
it feel, just as I'm sure the bond they had was uniquely theirs and would not tr
ansfer to other rabbits if they were foolish enough to cross the shepherd's path
. So yes, I imagine this is very unique and irreplaceable for you."
He stared at me incredulously.
"Did you just compare me to a dog?"
I waved my hand in the air dismissively.
"Don't be overly sensitive. You know what I meant! Dog and bunny, lion and lamb,
polar bear and seal, it doesn't matter. The point is the bond of friendship bet
ween a predator and its natural food source is extremely rare and unique." Even
as I said the words I was in awe of the fact that I could categorize myself as a
natural food source so easily in front of Jasper. Less than a month ago he want
ed to treat me as a meal. Now, I felt completely safe with him in the proximity
of the cab of my truck, alone, in the dark, on a deserted highway. Life was defi
nitely strange.
He regarded me carefully.
"You know you're not really making any sense, right?"
"Ugh!," Of course I knew I wasn't making sense, or at least I was too distracted
to figure out if I was making any sense, but I managed to move the conversation
to a more comfortable level where I wasn't imagining that Jasper talked in a co
de that hid his true feelings for me. So sense or nonsense, I did really well.
My eyes felt on a small clock I mounted to the dashboard of the truck with doubl
e stick tape and I panicked.
"Holy Crow," I said, "It's so late! Charlie is probably going out of his mind."
My eyes darted to the road, half expecting to see the cruiser heading in our dir
ection in a search for me and my truck. Fortunately there was no one there, so I
shifted out of park and pulled back onto the road.
"I'm sorry, Jasper. I wish I could talk longer, but Charlie is probably already
really mad, and I would prefer not to be grounded while you're in town,"
"Of course, Bella. You know I don't want you to be grounded either. You're comin
g over tomorrow afternoon, right?"
"I want to, but . . ."
"But what?" he was clearly alarmed.
"Well, I haven't had a lot of time to cook lately and we're running out of lefto
vers. And I don't think I can do any more spaghetti and meatballs. Plus I have t
o shop. So as much as I'd like to come and see you, I just don't think I have ti
me. I'll come Friday, though!"
"Bella, I haven't seen you all week. Can't you order a pizza or something? Or ge
t one of those microwave entrees they advertise on TV?"
I considered his suggestion. On the one hand, Charlie could be wonderfully obliv
ious to many things. On the other hand, he knew how much I liked cooking and wou
ld be suspicious if I suddenly started microwaving our food or relying on take-o
ut.
"I don't think that would work."
"What about cooking at my house? Esme's kitchen has every gadget and utensil kno
wn to man and if you give me a list I could go shopping tomorrow while you're at
school. I could even help. I could be your sous chef."
I glanced over at him. He looked so hopeful, even a little excited. And I had to
admit I liked the idea. After being so close to each other tonight, I knew he c
ould tolerate sharing the kitchen with me. And it would be fun to cook with some
one else. I wouldn't have him doing anything complicated, of course, but he coul
d help with the basics. And the Cullens' kitchen was so large, maybe I could pre
pare several meals at the same time, which would give me more time with him down
the road. Yes, this was definitely a good idea.
"Jasper, you're a genius!" Out of the corner of my eye I could see him smile.
"Why thank you, darlin'. After you get home make a list of everything you'll nee
d, then tell me later tonight. I'll pick everything up in Port Angeles. I can ev
en get things ready before you get to the house, if you tell me what I need to d
o."
Whew! That darlin' didn't have nearly as much effect on me. Maybe my little pep
talk from earlier was working.
"Sounds good," I said. "But you'll have to buy exactly what I tell you and not g
o overboard, like you did with the snacks. And you'll have to let me pay for the
 groceries."
"Bella!" he sounded frustrated. I pouted.
"I don't have to come over you know."
"All right, all right. You pay for the groceries."
I smiled. I was really looking forward to tomorrow. Cooking with Jasper would be
great! Then I realized that we were nearly at my house and my smile disappeared
. After so many days of not seeing each other, it was too soon to be separated.
"Should I pull over and let you out here?"
"Let's get a little closer to the house. I'll get out if I sense worry and conce
rn. If I sense that Charlie's happy and content then he's unlikely to look out w
hen you arrive and I can just leave after you go in." Apparently he didn't want
to cut our time short either.
I kept driving, though without even realizing it I slowed down to a crawl. It wa
sn't enough time. There was still so much I needed to say. My mind went back to
my conversation in the parking lot with Mike and Jasper's reaction. I needed to
address that too, but it couldn't happen tonight. I needed to do it in person, s
o I could see his face. As imperfect of a gauge as that was, it was the only too
l I had to read his emotions.
Even crawling along, I finally reached the driveway and pulled in. I looked at J
asper with longing, wishing there was some way I could stop time, some way I cou
ld avoid going inside just yet. Jasper hadn't left, so Charlie must not be worri
ed. Maybe . . .
"You need to go inside, Bella. I hate it too, but even though he's not worried,
Charlie's getting anxious. We'll talk in a few hours, right?" He sounded like he
needed reassurance.
"Of course, Jasper. I have to put a shopping list together and do some homework,
but I'll call as soon as I'm done."
"Good." He said, satisfied.
With nothing more to say, I opened the door and got out of the truck. I pulled m
y school bag out form its resting place behind the driver's seat and pressed dow
n the door lock.
"Bella?" I heard Jasper say before I could close the door.
"Yes?"
"What are you doing Saturday?"
I thought about this for a moment. I hadn't made any plans.
"I don't know. Nothing in particular."
"Do you think you could find a way to spend the day with me? I'd like to take yo
u to Seattle, just to hang out. We don't have to worry about running into anyone
we know there and I want to spend a day with you somewhere other than my house.
"
There went that delicious warmth spreading throughout my body again, accompanied
by that awesome tingling sensation. I felt like my feet lifted off the ground.
I had to look down to make sure I wasn't levitating. Any thoughts I had of how d
ifficult it was going to be to come up with an excuse to be out all day evaporat
ed. Come hell or high water I was going to make this work. A whole day with Jasp
er! Out in the open! Just hanging out! WOW! I nearly giggled with delighted anti
cipation.
"I'd love to go to Seattle with you, Jasper. I'll figure something out!"
"Good. Talk to you soon."
"Soon." I promised, and closed the truck door. I wanted to keep looking at him a
s I was going in, but as klutzy as I was I knew this was a recipe for disaster.
Keep your mind on walking, Bella! You'll see him tomorrow, and Friday, and all d
ay Saturday! In my heart an orchestra was playing Ode to Joy.
"Hey Bells, kind of late, isn't it?" Charlie called from the living room.
"Sorry, dad. Mike Newton and I were talking after work." Well, that technically
was the truth. Just not the entire time.
"Oh, okay. You've been spending some time with Newton lately, anything I should
be asking about?"
"No, dad," I rolled my eyes, though I knew he couldn't see me. "He's just a good
friend."
"I see. Well, Newton's all right. He's not a trouble maker like some of the othe
r yahoos in your class. If he ever becomes more than a friend, that'd be fine by
me."
"Dad!"
"All right, all right. I'm just sayin'."
I didn't bother responding, knowing it would just keep the pointless conversatio
n going. Instead, I went to the kitchen to warm up some leftovers. I checked the
freezer – it was looking pretty bare. The fridge didn't hold much promise either.
It really was time to start cooking again. I grabbed the last serving of chicke
n casserole and put it in the microwave to warm. As the food was heating, I grab
bed my home-made book of favorite recipes and a pad and pen. I needed to make my
list.
I put the book and writing material on the kitchen table and went back to get my
food. Charlie came in the kitchen just as I was sitting down. His eyes lit up w
hen he saw the recipe book.
"Cooking again, Bells? I was wondering if you lost interest in it."
"Nah. I've just been busy lately. I think I'm going to do a cooking marathon tom
orrow so everything is re-stocked. Any preferences?"
"You know I'm not picky. As long as I don't have to cook it, I'll take anything.
"
I rolled my eyes again. The thought of Charlie cooking was almost laughable.
"Say, Bella, I'm going to La Push again Sunday for the game. Think you might wan
t to go with me this time? Billy mentioned he missed you last week."
I cringed. I knew I would be seeing Japer all day Saturday, one way or another,
but I was still reluctant to plan a whole day away from him. Plus I really didn'
t want to spend my day Sunday watching football. Charlie saw my lack of enthusia
sm.
"Well, how about we go over early in separate cars? We can have brunch and then
you can come back when the game starts?"
"Brunch? Who's cooking?"
"No one would have to cook. I could pick up some doughnuts and muffins at the co
ffee shop."
I thought about this for a while. I had visited La Push the last two Saturdays i
n a row, but would not be able to do that this weekend. A Sunday morning visit s
eemed like a good compromise.
"Okay, dad, but no doughnuts. I'll pick up some stuff and I'll cook brunch at Bi
lly's. They could probably use a home cooked meal that didn't come out of a jar
or can."
"Well, I don't think that's necessary, Bells, but if you'd like to it would be g
reat! I'm sure they'd appreciate it."
"Sure," I shrugged. I had to think of what to cook that would be adequate for Ch
arlie and Billy and Jake, who seemed to be eating for two. Although I didn't do
it often, cooking breakfast was one of my favorite things. Now I had something t
o look forward to each day of the weekend.
Charlie went back to watch TV in the living room and I started flipping through
my recipes to find the perfect dishes to cook tomorrow. I needed things that wer
e simple, that didn't need a lot of prep, that required relatively few ingredien
ts, and that could all cook or bake at the same time. I figured I could handle a
bout three recipes. I settled for a chick pea and sausage stew, a taco casserole
and a cheesy chicken and pasta dish I could prepare right on the stove top. In
addition to being easy to prepare, the three dishes did well in the freezer and
provided enough variety to last Charlie for a while.
I quickly jotted down the ingredients I would need to make all three recipes as
well as the frittata I decided to serve on Sunday. I smiled when I visualized po
or Jasper walking around a supermarket in Port Angeles trying to find everything
on the list. None of the ingredients were particularly exotic, but this was his
first ever food shopping trip. He had no idea what he had gotten himself into.
I washed the dishes, put away the recipe book, grabbed my shopping list and book
bag and headed upstairs. I knew I should start my homework first, but the littl
e flip phone acted like a powerful magnet. I really wanted to call Jasper now. I
 rationalized that I needed to call him while the lights were still on, in order
to read off the list. As usual, he picked up on the first ring.
"You're calling early," he said. "Did you miss me as much as I missed you?"
"Quit teasing me. We just saw each other an hour ago. You can't possibly have mi
ssed me yet."
"It is a mystery," he agreed, "but I have missed you, darlin'. I surely have."
Why, oh why, did he have to be such a flirt? Just a few words from him were enou
gh to send me into a tailspin. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't help myself.
I fell back on my bed and basked in the warmth of a full-body flush. I never rea
lized the phone was such a wonderful invention! Here, in the privacy of my room,
my emotional reactions didn't matter. I could just revel in them all night! The
n I realized that I still had stuff to do, stuff that had to be done before I co
uld fully concentrate on Jasper. I sat back up and reached for my list.
"Umm, okay, but I actually called you with the shopping list. Are you ready?"
"Absolutely."
I rattled off the ingredients and quantities on my list.
"Jasper, are you sure you want to do this? Food shopping is not as easy as it so
unds, especially the first time."
"I'll be fine, Bella. Don't worry."
"Okay," I said doubtfully. "I'm gonna go, then. I'll talk to you later."
"Wait"
"Yes?"
"I think you forgot something." Puzzled, I looked over my list. I didn't see any
thing missing.
"I'm pretty sure I got it all."
"What about chocolate?"
"Chocolate?" I didn't need chocolate for any of my recipes.
"Yeah. You like chocolate, right?"
"Yes," I said cautiously. I wasn't sure where he was going with this.
"What's your favorite kind?"
I thought about the question for a moment. Did I even have a favorite kind of ch
ocolate? Pretty much anything with chocolate was fine with me. Then I remembered
that I did have a favorite, though it's been a while since I last indulged.
"Caramello bars," I replied. "Why?"
"No reason." Uh-huh. I wondered what he was up to, but it didn't sound like he w
anted to tell me so I let it drop.
"All right," I said, "Now I really do have to go. Homework awaits."
I hung up and went to my desk. I took out my books and started working on my ass
ignments, but I couldn't stop thinking about the chocolate. It didn't make any s
ense at all. Why would Jasper care about what kind of chocolate I liked?
I kept working, but somewhere in the deep recesses my brain kept trying to figur
e out the chocolate puzzle. Every once in a while I had a fleeting moment of rec
ollection, something that was important to solving this mystery, but it was gone
before I could fully grasp it.
I finished my homework and went to the bathroom to get ready for bed. It finally
hit me as I was brushing my teeth. Mike had given me chocolate yesterday, and m
entioned it in our conversation tonight. Could Jasper actually be competing with
Mike, trying to get me the same type of gift that Mike got me? But that was so
ridiculous! Mike gave me a simple candy bar to make me smile. It wasn't anything
special! But Jasper doesn't know that, Bella. I tried to remember exactly what
Mike and I said to one another in the parking lot. I merely thanked him for the
chocolate. I didn't gush about it or anything. Why would Jasper have focused his
attention on such a trivial thing? Maybe he. . . No! He definitely does not! I
sighed. This was just another thing I to address with him tomorrow.
I didn't want to think about anything negative tonight, so I filled my head with
happy thoughts as I turned off the light and crawled into bed. I put on the ear
piece and called Jasper again. As if by previous arrangement, we both avoided an
y controversial topics of conversation. Instead, we talked about our favorite bo
oks, and music and movies. We spoke for a long time, completely comfortable with
each other, until I could barely keep my eyes open. It was time to go to sleep,
 but there was one thing I wanted to warn him about.
"Jasper," I said
"Yes?"
"You know you're not off the hook, right?"
"I'm sorry?" he said, clearly not understanding.
"The stuff I was mad about in the truck, we still need to discuss it. Tomorrow."
He didn't' answer, but it didn't matter. My warning delivered, I was ready to sl
eep. There was only one thing missing.
"Will you sing?" I asked. And he did.
Chapter 19: Partners
Concentrating in school Thursday was nearly impossible when all I could think ab
out was Jasper and the afternoon we would spend together. It was absolutely ridi
culous, and I tried chastising myself often, but in the end I could only keep my
mind off Jasper for a few minutes before I was day-dreaming again. Even when he
wasn't nearby, he was absolutely mesmerizing.
I went through the morning on autopilot, making sure that I paid enough attentio
n to get my homework assignments and not much else. I briefly considered the pos
sibility that if Jasper stayed in Forks for too long, I would not be able to gra
duate with the rest of the class. I knew that I could not let myself get so dist
racted in the long term, but for now I didn't have the energy to fight it. The u
rge to think about him was just too strong.
On the way to lunch I head the cell phone buzz. I was shocked. I couldn't think
of any reason Jasper would be calling me at school in the middle of the day. Ala
rmed, I ducked into the ladies' room and pulled the phone out of my book bag.
"Hello?" I said tentatively.
"Bella," he said, "can you talk?" He sounded serious. My heart dropped.
"Yes. What's going on?" I was expecting the worst. Maybe something happened to o
ne of the Cullens?
"Um, I'm in the supermarket." Relief swept over me, and then I realized the humo
r of the situation.
"Uh huh," I said, expectantly.
"I was able to find almost everything on your list," he said.
"Great. Good job. Was it very difficult?
He sighed, "You'll never know." He sounded like he had just come in form a hard
day in the coal mines. I almost felt sorry for him, but the situation was too am
using.
"Okay, so what's up?"
"I can't find chick peas," he complained. "I looked everywhere and all I can fin
d are regular green peas. Is that what you meant? Or is there some secret human
way to distinguish between masculine and feminine peas?"
I knew it wasn't very nice, but I couldn't help myself. The thought of feminine
peas sent me into a fit of laughter that almost made me cry. I finally calmed do
wn when I heard a low growl on the other end of the line.
"I'm glad I amuse you," Jasper said petulantly. "Care to fill me in on the joke?
"
"Oh, Jasper, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to laugh at you, really, but the though
t of feminine peas. . ." I started giggling again.
"Yes?" His voice had a hard edge to it and I could tell he was getting annoyed.
I became serious. He was doing me a favor and this was his first time shopping.
He took on a big challenge, even bigger for him than most men, since he was tota
lly unfamiliar with food and he had to shop in a store filled with humans. I rea
lly shouldn't have laughed at him. The whole thing must have been incredibly str
essful for him. And he was willing to do it all just to spend an afternoon with
me!
"Jasper, chick peas aren't really peas, they're beans. And they actually have tw
o names. Some people call them garbanzo beans. That must be what they have in th
e store, in the canned vegetable aisle by all the other beans. I'm really sorry.
I should have remembered about the two names and written them both down to make
this easier for you. Will you forgive me?"
"Garbanzo beans, huh?" His voice was slightly warmer.
"Yes, so how about that forgiveness part?"
He sighed.
"Of course I'll forgive you, Bella. I know you didn't do it deliberately. I just
hate feeling like an idiot."
"You are not an idiot! You couldn't have known about the two names. It's not lik
e you've eaten anything in over a hundred years. Really, Jasper, you don't know
how much I appreciate what you're doing for me today."
"Really? Would you like to show me how much you appreciate it?"
"What did you have in mind?" I asked, somewhat suspicious. He was up to somethin
g and I wasn't sure if it was wise to agree before I had more details.
"Saturday, when we go to Seattle, will you let me plan out our day and just enjo
y yourself, with no complaints?"
Oh-oh! This was a high price to pay for his forgiveness. If Jasper was like the
rest of his family, his request could only mean one thing – he had made some elabo
rate and very expensive arrangements.
"Bella?" He was getting impatient. I bit my lower lip. In the grand scheme of th
ings not complaining for one day should be something I could handle.
"Okay, Jasper. I'll let you plan and I won't complain. And then we'll be even?"
"Absolutely."
"Good. Then it's settled. And now I have to go. Lunch is almost half over and I
haven't eaten."
"Alright. I'll see you soon, Bella!"
I put the phone back in my bag and headed for the cafeteria. It was really late.
I'd have to grab something I could eat on the run if necessary. In the food lin
e I avoided anything hot, choosing yogurt, pretzels and a small bag of carrot st
icks instead. If necessary, I could munch on those between classes.
I headed for my usual lunch table, which was filled with my friends. Angela had
saved me a seat and I gratefully sank into it.
"Are you all right, Bella?" She asked quietly. "You've been out of it all week,"
She was clearly concerned.
"I'm fine. Just a little distracted." Then, under my breath, "Mike and I talked
last night." Angela's face betrayed her shock, then worry. "No, no," I assured h
er, "It's cool. I told him I wasn't ready to date anyone and he's fine with it.
He said he can wait. So for now we're just back to being friends. You and Ben do
n't have to protect me anymore." I smiled. She smiled back.
"It wasn't a problem, you know," she said, "But I'm glad things worked out this
way. I hated that you always had to be on your guard. It'll be nice to see you m
ore relaxed."
"So," I said, "speaking of Ben, do you guys have any plans for this weekend?"
"Actually," she giggled, "We're going to Olympia for the whole day Saturday, jus
t the two of us. Ben says he misses me and wants to go somewhere where we won't
see anyone we know." My eyes opened wide and I looked to Angela's other side, wh
ere Ben was engaged in a conversation with Tyler. This couldn't be happening. It
was just too perfect. There had to be a catch, right?
"That's so awesome, Angela. But listen, can you and Ben do me one last favor? I
was hoping to go to Seattle this Saturday for the day, but I know Charlie would
be worried if I was going alone. That's silly, of course. I am, after all, an ad
ult. Anyway, if I told him that I was going with you and Ben to Olympia he would
n't have to be worried and I could have my day of museums and book stores in pea
ce. What do you say? Would you mind covering for me?"
Angela looked at me thoughtfully. I could tell she didn't believe my cover story
any more than Charlie would have if I tried to spring it on him. I really was a
terrible liar.
"Well," she said, hesitantly, "It probably would go over better with my mom too
if she thought you were coming and Ben and I weren't alone." I nodded vigorously
. "But Bella," she continued, "What are you actually doing? Are you really going
somewhere alone? What if something happens to you? You're not thinking of anyth
ing crazy, like going to LA, are you?"
I cringed. LA! She thought I was sneaking off to see Edward. My nose wrinkled wi
th distaste. He hadn't tried to contact me in all the time he'd been gone. Not o
nce. Surprisingly, though, I didn't really care. Between my friends at school an
d Jasper and Jake, my time had filled out nicely and, except for the occasional
annoying reminders, it really was beginning to feel like he'd never existed. I t
ook a deep breath at this unexpected realization. I really was moving on.
Angela was still looking at me, waiting for the answer to her question. Of cours
e, I couldn't be totally honest with her, but I could try to re-assure her.
"No, of course I'm not going to LA. How could I do that in just one day? Please
don't worry. I promise I'll be fine. I can't really say more than that, but beli
eve me, you don't have to worry about me. I'll be totally safe."
Angela didn't look convinced.
"Why don't you want to tell me what you're doing, then? If it's so safe."
I sighed. She had a point.
"I promise some day really soon I will. For now, would you please trust me? You
know me, Angela. I'm not a risk taker." Ha! But then, other than hanging out wit
h vampires, I really wasn't. And I knew Jasper would never let anything happen t
o me on Saturday.
She looked at me for a long time without speaking. Then, finally, right before t
he bell rang, she said, "Okay."
I reached over to hug her. "You're the best! Thank you!"
She hugged me back. "Just remember, you promised to tell me what's going on."
"Soon," I reminded her.
"Soon!" She said firmly.
We rushed off to our next classes. For whatever reason, I was more alert in the
afternoon. Maybe actually talking with Jasper at lunch helped snap me out of day
dreams and into reality. In just a few short hours I would be with him in person
!
The afternoon was going well until I got to English. We were studying 20th centu
ry American poets. Not exactly my favorite time, genre or continent when it came
to literature, but I had to admit some of the poets we studied had an interesti
ng voice and point of view. I did not, however, expect the assignment that our t
eacher concocted for us.
"Love poems." she said, looking around the room, "Normally that phrase brings to
mind Shakespeare, Browning, Keats and Shelley, but there are a lot of American
20th century poets who put a modern twist on love poetry.
"For this assignment, you will pair up with a partner, ideally of the opposite s
ex. You will each research and find a love poem by a 20th century American poet
that particularly appeals to you and prepare a presentation of why you like the
poem and what it means to you. You will then do a similar presentation about you
r partner's poem, except that I'll ask you to explain why you thought the other
person selected their particular favorite. We'll start the presentations a week
from today. To make this a little easier for you, I have not assigned partners – y
ou can choose your own."
All of us let out a collective groan. This was the worst assignment ever! I look
ed around the room desperately. Angela and Ben were both in the class, so obviou
sly they would be partners. Drat! I skimmed over Tyler, who wouldn't recognize a
love poem unless it was wearing a football helmet. Then my eyes rested on Mike,
who was already looking back at me. He moved his index finger between us, silen
tly asking if I wanted to be his partner. It took only a second for me to realiz
e that he really was the best alternative. I smiled and nodded. He beamed back.
"Once you choose your partner, use the rest of class time today to start looking
for your poems. Don't just use the first poem you find and don't use anything f
rom your textbook. I have some anthologies for you to look through at the front
of the class or you can use the library to find other books or search the intern
et."
All the students in the class scattered to find their partners. Mike walked over
to my desk.
"Some assignment, huh?" He asked. I rolled my eyes. "Oh, come on. It might not b
e that bad. Some of these modern poems are kind of short."
"They're short and they don't make sense," I grumbled.
"Okay, but we might as well make the best of it. Do you want to get together thi
s weekend to work on the presentation? I won't have a lot of time next week."
I looked up at him in surprise. It didn't occur to me that we would have to get
together outside of school to work on this, but I guessed that made sense. I fro
wned, trying to think of a convenient time, but none came to mind. I already had
plans to see Jasper tomorrow night and Saturday, and I had been hoping to see h
im Sunday after I came back from LaPush. But now that this was the only time I c
ould possibly get together with Mike, I would have to cut that visit short, if n
ot out altogether.
"Sure," I replied, "But I'm only free Sunday afternoon. Will that work for you?"
Mike looked at me curiously. After the discussion we had last night I'm sure he
was wondering what I was doing to keep me busy the whole weekend, but I wasn't a
bout to elaborate.
"Yeah, okay. Say, 3 o'clock? Maybe we can get done before dinner."
"That would be fine. Should I come by your house or do you want to come over to
mine? Either is fine with me, but I have a really old computer and a dial-up int
ernet connection."
"You can come over to my house. No problem. And I'll let my mom know that you mi
ght stay for diner, okay?"
I hesitated, but then decided that there was nothing wrong with having dinner at
Mike's house with his parents right there. We were just working on an assignmen
t. It wasn't anything special. We were still just friends.
"I wouldn't want to put your mom out," I said.
"Don't worry about it. I'm sure it wouldn't be a problem. My parents love you – yo
u know that!"
I certainly felt that Mike's parents liked me from my work at the store. 'Love'
might have been a tad too strong. I sometimes sensed that the Newton's wouldn't
have minded if Mike and I were dating, but they'd never done anything overt to e
ncourage or discourage us.
"Well, if your mom really doesn't mind and if we're still working by dinner time
, then fine, that would be nice."
"Awesome," he flashed me another smile that reached deep into his blue eyes. The
n the bell rang and he went back to his desk to gather up his books. We met in t
he doorway and walked towards our next class together. I saw some people looking
at us curiously and whispering. I bet they were wondering if we were dating.
"I think people are talking about us," I whispered, completely embarrassed. He l
ooked down at me, his smile growing even bigger.
"They are?" He looked awfully pleased. "Well, let's give them something to talk
about." He slung his arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer to him.
"Mike!" I protested. I pulled away and gave him a playful punch in the ribs. "Cu
t it out!"
"Hey, you can't blame a guy for tryin'," he said, winking.
"Ugh!"
The last class of the day was, fortunately, uneventful. I couldn't wait for it t
o be over. I was squirming in my seat so much I'm surprised no one asked it I ne
eded a bathroom pass. As the bell rang, I wished I had superhuman speed so I cou
ld get out before the masses. Instead, I was stuck in the usual traffic jam, fig
hting my way out of the classroom, to my locker, then out to my truck and, event
ually, out of the lot. Only when I was finally on the road driving to the Cullen
s' house did I feel a little more relaxed.
My excitement revved up again as I turned down the 3 mile driveway and wound my
way through the forest to the house. I was so eager to see Jasper again. Too Eag
er! I tried to tell myself sternly, but it wasn't working. After looking forward
to this moment all day, I couldn't contain myself.
I could see him as soon as I cleared the edge of the forest into the clearing. H
e was wearing black cowboy boots, blue jeans, and a black waffle henley shirt. H
e leaned casually against the post at the bottom of the porch stairs, hands entw
ined behind his head, one of his knees bent with his sole resting against the po
st. It was the quintessential cowboy pose, and he looked good. I was reminded of
the first night I saw him here, alone, when his silhouette looked so very dange
rous. His body had a similar look to it today, only today the predator was resti
ng, instead of hunting. A thrilling little shiver of excitement ran through me,
which I immediately tried to stifle. Those thoughts would have to wait for the t
elephone conversation tonight, when my emotions were not on display.
I parked the truck and turned off the engine. Jasper pushed himself away from th
e post and started walking towards me, speeding up to open the truck door before
I could do so myself.
"Thanks," I said, a little embarrassed.
"My pleasure," he smiled.
I hopped out of the truck and lifted the blanket behind the driver's seat that h
id the box I stashed there this morning before school. It held the pot, skillet
and casserole dish as well as some basic spices I planned to use for cooking. I
struggled a bit getting the box out, but it was out of my hands as soon as I tur
ned away from the truck. I gasped at the sudden loss of my cargo. Jasper was loo
king at the contents of the box curiously.
"You know Esme has similar items here already?"
"I know," I said, "but it wouldn't exactly look right if I came home with her po
ts and pans, now would it? This makes the whole charade more believable." He und
erstood instantly and a frown formed on his face. I knew he was mad at himself f
or not anticipating this issue.
"It's okay," I told him. "It's actually nice to know you can't think of everythi
ng, that you're not perfect."
He frowned again. "I could have told you before I'm very far from perfect."
"Oh dear," I said, lightly. "Is it going to be one of those days? I was hoping f
or a cooking partner today, not a therapy patient."
He scowled, but then his face relaxed. "You're right, Bella. Today is about new
experiences for me, not re-hashing the past."
We walked together into the house and to the kitchen. I asked Jasper to put the
stuff I brought on the stove top, while I dug up my recipes and started separati
ng the groceries that sat on the counter. Once everything was divided into four
piles, I started rummaging through the drawers to find all the necessary utensil
s. Jasper had been right, of course, Esme seemed to have equipped the kitchen wi
th every gadget known to man.
"So," I said when I completed my hunt, "Were you serious about helping me?"
"Definitely." His eyes actually gleamed with a hint of excitement.
"Ready to get started?"
"Yes, ma'am. What do you want me to do first?"
I started him off easy, asking him to wash vegetables in the prep sink while pre
-heated the oven and started browning ground beef for the taco casserole. The be
ef browning nicely, I tore open the package of boneless, skinless chicken breast
s. It was nice that the pieces were de-boned and de-skinned, but I still had to
take off the yucky fat and tendons. I placed the chicken on the cutting board an
d reached for the knife. I heard a muffled curse and instantly Jasper was standi
ng next to me, his hand firmly covering mine, making it impossible for me to mov
e. I looked at him in alarm.
"Bella, I think you're forgetting what happened the last time you were in this h
ouse and came into contact with sharp objects. Perhaps it'd be best if you left
the cutting to me?"
He was standing so close to me and the coolness of his hand over mine made me ti
ngle. I suddenly realized this was the first time Jasper had touched me since he
had his hand on my back guiding me through the airport in Phoenix. His touch fe
lt absolutely electric and I was dumbfounded.
"Bella, Carlisle is not here to help if you injure yourself and I would prefer n
ot to put my newfound control through this type of a test yet. So please, Darlin
', let go of the knife and let me do the cutting."
Chapter 20: If you can't stand the heat . . .
I tried to let go of the knife, but Jasper's hand over mine prevented my muscles
from relaxing. I knew I should say something, but I was afraid that as soon as
I did he would let go. If I didn't move, if I didn't make a sound, could we stay
 here like this indefinitely, his large, smooth hand cradling mine? I turned my
face up to look at him over my shoulder. He was watching me intently, his eyes f
ull of concern.
"Are you all right?" He asked gently. I nodded. "Will you put down the knife?" I
nodded again. And then my fears came true and he lifted his hand off mine, taki
ng a small step back in the process. I turned back to look at the counter and re
leased the handle. I moved to the side and he stepped forward beside me, picking
up the discarded knife.
"Okay, now what do I do?" Numbly, I explained how to trim the chicken pieces. Th
en, remembering the ground beef, I washed my hands and moved back to the stove t
op. I continued cooking, draining the fat, stirring in the seasonings, beans and
green chilies. Next I moved to the stew, opening the cans of chick peas, then d
raining and rinsing them. Slowly I started to relax and fall into a natural rhyt
hm. I liked cooking. It felt comfortable and familiar and I liked the feeling of
satisfaction when I saw people enjoying the final product. I wasn't a gourmet b
y any stretch – the food I made was simple and filling. But that's really all that
Charlie and I needed. I smiled as I thought of Charlie. I knew he wouldn't say
much, but he'd appreciate all this nevertheless.
I looked over to find Jasper casually leaning against the counter, watching me w
ith a thoughtful expression, the trimmed chicken arranged on a large plate, read
y for seasoning.
"What?" I asked, a little self-conscious.
"Nothing," he said, "I just like you like this. You were lost in the moment and
I was enjoying the sheer contentment that was radiating from you. It was lovely.
"
I blushed, as if I had been caught doing something wrong. He called me lovely! N
o, he called your feelings lovely. There's a huge difference. Damn that voice of
reason!
"Ready for more chopping?" I asked to distract myself.
"Just tell me what to do." I had him wash his hands first, and then instructed h
im in the different ways I needed him to chop all of the vegetables and the saus
age. My brows furrowed a little looking at the huge pile.
"What's the matter?" He asked.
"Nothing, really. It's just that timing is everything and I was counting on both
of us to do this, to go faster, you know?"
He laughed.
"Bella, I think you're forgetting who I am." I looked at him, puzzled. He picked
up a knife and started chopping so fast his hand and the knife were a blur. In
seconds, I had a perfect pile of chopped peppers. My eyes opened wide!
"You're better than a food processor," I whispered.
"I don't know anything about food processors, but it sounds like I can get this
done quickly enough to suit your needs." I nodded, still awed.
He kept chopping while I mixed, layered, seasoned and generally put all the dish
es together. I placed the taco casserole in the pre-heated oven and left the ste
w and chicken dish simmering on the stove top. I set the timer I found in one of
the drawers and washed my hands at the sink, wiping them off guiltily on some o
f Esme's decorative towels.
Jasper followed my lead and washed his hands off as well.
"Now what?" He asked.
"Now we wait. The stew will have to be stirred occasionally, but for the most pa
rt this is a good time to clean up."
"I'll help," he said. We worked on the clean up, throwing away empty cans and pa
ckaging, washing, drying and putting away the utensils that were no longer neces
sary. I loved the feeling of the two of us there together – it was so familiar and
domestic, as if we had done it a hundred times before. Every once in a while I
would look over to catch him watching me or vice versa and, without the slightes
t feeling of discomfort, we would give each other an easy, satisfied smile. Jasp
er never touched me again, but he was close enough that the lack of actual physi
cal contact didn't matter. I knew that at least with regard to me, his training
was over, and he was fully in control of his bloodlust.
When the clean-up was done I walked over to the snack-laden portion of the kitch
en and grabbed a soda. I opened it and took a deep gulp. Cooking was thirsty wor
k.
"Bella?" I heard him ask.
"Yes?" I put down the soda, wondering why he suddenly sounded unsure of himself.
"I wonder if I could . . . um, if you wouldn't mind . . . I mean it would be a b
ig favor if you . . ."
I looked at him quizzically. Jasper was normally so cool and collected. I wonder
ed why he was suddenly so rattled.
"What is it, Jasper? Do you need me to do something?"
"Not exactly . . ." he hedged. "It's just that, as appealing as the smell of all
this food must be to you, it's not really doing much for me." He wrinkled his n
ose in disgust.
"Oh no," I said. "Should we open some windows? Air the place out?"
"No," he said quickly. "I will do that after you leave. But for now there might
be an easier solution. I thought maybe I could just replace these odors with a s
cent more pleasing to me?"
"Oh," I said, confused about what this had to do with me. "Like an air freshener
?"
"Something like that," he was smiling as he replied.
"Um. Okay. Do you have one?"
"No, but you do."
"I do?"
"Yes," he paused, looking unsure again. "Actually, I was hoping you would let me
replace all this," he waved his hand to encompass the entire kitchen, "with you
r scent."
"Oh!" That was all I could get out as my breath caught at the realization of wha
t he was asking. Desperately I searched my mind to make sure I had showered and
put on deodorant this morning. Thankfully, I was sure that I had.
"Okay," I said tentatively. "How do you want to do that?"
"Well," he walked towards me until he was standing directly behind me, as close
as two people could be without actually touching. I felt his hand reach up towar
ds my ponytail. "Do you mind if I take this off?" He asked as he tugged on the e
lastic band that held my hair away from my face.
I wasn't sure I could speak, so I just shook my head. I reached up with one hand
to grab the kitchen counter for support. I was absolutely giddy and my knees we
re weak. Without the counter there I probably would not have been able to stand
upright.
He hooked his fingers into the elastic and slowly pulled the ponytail holder off
. My hair cascaded down my back. My breath caught again as he breathed in sharpl
y and a low, rumbling murmur of appreciation escaped his throat. Then he leaned
in, his nose millimeters from my cheek, and inhaled deeply, sensuously.
My grip on the counter tightened. It wouldn't do right now to collapse at his fe
et.
Jasper continued to take deep breaths. I was getting dizzy from lack of oxygen.
"Breathe, Bella'," he whispered in my ear. I knew he didn't mean to be seductive
, but his voice sent a shiver through me and raised goose bumps on my flesh.
I breathed in and was completely overwhelmed by his incredible spicy scent. It w
as the scent from last night, but so much more powerful, concentrated. I couldn'
t identify the components, except that it was at once familiar and exotic and so
very, very masculine. Edward's scent had been beautiful and sweet, and at the t
ime I thought it was as good as any smell could get, but Jasper, Jasper didn't s
mell beautiful – he smelled like a man. His scent held perfectly balanced hints of
power, mystery, excitement, and tenderness. I breathed him in again and swayed,
my senses nearly overpowering the part of my brain that retained a tenuous grip
on motor control. Only my tight hold on the counter saved me from falling back
against his chest.
Jasper reached up again, this time gathering my hair in his hand and cradling th
e hand to his face as he continued to deeply inhale. Standing so close to him wi
thout the cover of my hair, my neck suddenly felt cool and exposed. I shivered a
gain, but it wasn't from the temperature. The part of me that was still able to
think rationally marveled at the situation I found myself in – my vulnerable neck
inches away from the jaws of a powerful predator who in the past wanted nothing
more than to drain me of my blood. But as with Edward before him, I was not afra
id. I knew that I was absolutely safe.
The other part of me, the irrational part that could only feel, was absolutely u
ndone, and became even more so when Jasper whispered "Bella, darlin', yours is t
he most heavenly aroma I have ever encountered. I could stop breathing now forev
er and the memory of you would keep me completely satisfied." His head dipped, a
lmost touching my shoulder as he trailed his nose along the shoulder and the sid
e of my neck up to my ear. My whole body was trembling and I let out a small, in
voluntary whimper.
His face was so close to mine. I knew that all I had to do was turn my head and
our lips would finally meet. The thought of kissing him sent another electric ch
arge through my body. And then the desire to kiss him grew stronger, more powerf
ul, completely overwhelming, and the only thing I could do was to turn my head u
ntil my eyes met the liquid gold of his. I was about to lean in, when Jasper abr
uptly looked away and took a step back.
"Oh my God, Bella, I'm so sorry. I swore I would never let this happen."
I stared at him, my heart still racing. He was clearly upset, and I could unders
tand why. Hadn't I been worried about the same thing with Mike? That he would ta
ke some innocent gesture and mistake it for more than I felt, more than I was ab
le to give? And here I was doing the same thing to Jasper, who only wanted to be
my friend. Somehow I had to make this right. Make it possible for him to be com
fortable around me again. I forced a laugh.
"It's okay, Jasper," I said. "We both know you didn't mean to. I understand. No
big deal. We all forget ourselves sometimes. Still friends, right?"
He looked at me, bewildered.
"You're not…?"
"It's not a big deal," I said quickly, before he could finish his question. No m
atter what adjective he would have inserted at the end – upset, disappointed, hear
tbroken – it would have been too painful to hear. "Let's just forget this happened
. Just a slip, but not a fall. No need to make a mountain out of a molehill, oka
y?"
He nodded, hesitantly. I could see he was still unconvinced. I had to come up wi
th a distraction.
"Say, do you know anything about 20th century American Poets?" A look of complet
e confusion crossed his face.
"A little," he said, brows still drawn together, like he was trying to find a li
nk between the two conversations.
"We have to do this thing for English. Our teacher wants us to find a favorite l
ove poem by a 20th century American poet and do a presentation on it, then do th
e same on a poem chosen by our partner. The thing is, we can't use anything out
of our textbook and I know next to nothing about this subject. So, um, do you ha
ve any suggestions?"
"You want me to help you choose your favorite love poem?"
"Favorite 20th century American love poem," I corrected. "For my favorite I thin
k I would still turn to English classics."
He nodded his understanding.
"I might have a couple of suggestions, and I'm sure Carlisle has books in his st
udy that might help. Medicine may be his first love, but poetry is his passion.
In fact, he's written some beautiful verses himself, though I'm afraid he's neit
her 20th century nor American, so those won't be of much help with your assignme
nt."
I looked at him, surprised. I never thought of Carlisle's interests beyond medic
ine. Now that Jasper mentioned it, though, I could easily see Carlisle as a poet
.
"When do you have to do the presentation?"
"Next Thursday, but I'm getting together with my partner to work on it Sunday, s
o I need to select a poem by then."
"We could go up to Carlisle's study now," he suggested. I looked at the stove to
p. I didn't like the idea of leaving the food unattended. He saw my reluctance.
"Or how about I find some books for you tonight and have them ready for you tomo
rrow?
"Thanks, Jasper! That would be great." I had just chosen this topic as a distrac
tion. I really didn't want to spend the afternoon working on the assignment.
"So who's your partner?" He asked.
"Mike Newton," I replied and watched as Jasper's face became cold and emotionles
s. Instantly I was reminded of his completely unreasonable reaction to Mike last
night, and the anger it provoked in me. If not for this moment I would have com
pletely forgotten my promise to address this issue today.
"Do you have a problem with Mike?" I asked, crossing my arms. He looked away.
"No."
"Could've fooled me," I said angrily. "You gave me a hard time about the convers
ation I had with him last night and now this – I don't get it."
He actually physically turned away from me now, making it clear that he did not
want to participate in this conversation. I said a quick, silent thanks that I d
idn't try to tackle this topic last night on the phone – it would have turned in t
o a very short call. But here, in the same house, I wasn't about to let him get
away with evading my questions. I marched over to him and lowered my head to loo
k up into his downcast eyes.
"Hey, I thought we were having a discussion."
He straightened and took a step back, but at least he was looking at me again.
"Forget it, Bella. It's nothing."
"Oh. Nothing. I see. I guess I must not know you at all, because it sure as heck
feels like something on this end. But fine. If you want it to be like that, go
ahead." I turned on my heel and walked back to the stove. Frustrated, I pulled t
he lid off the stew and stirred the contents vigorously. I couldn't believe he w
as just going to gloss over this whole thing knowing how much it was bothering m
e.
With nothing more to do in the kitchen, I went into the living room and grabbed
the remote before settling in on the sofa. I turned on the TV and flipped the ch
annels until I found a rerun of a sitcom I recognized. I folded my arms across m
y chest and stared at the TV, fuming.
After a couple of minutes Jasper came in and sat down next to me. Only a half ho
ur ago I would have been absolutely thrilled to be in such close proximity to hi
m. Now, I pushed myself up and moved down to the edge of the sofa, increasing th
e distance between us. What was the point of sitting close to him when all he wa
nted was friendship and, at least for the moment, I wasn't feeling friendly at a
ll?
He sighed a heavy sigh. "Bella."
I didn't respond. If he wanted to say something he would have to do it without a
n invitation.
"Come on, Bella." I treated him to an icy glare before I looked away.
I heard him turn off the TV.
"It just took me by surprise, that's all. I wasn't expecting it. You hadn't told
me things between you two had changed."
I turned back towards him. I could see he was being sincere. "You said the same
thing last night, about things between Mike and me changing, but nothing has cha
nged. We're still just friends."
"It sure looked like more than that last night. He had his hands all over you."
My face scrunched up in confusion. "What? It was just a hug. A friendly hug. Did
n't you hear what we actually said?"
He looked at me darkly. I knew he heard every word and was replaying it in his m
ind right now.
"Jasper, remember when I came to you for advice last week and you said to be hon
est with him, to tell him that I wasn't ready? Well, that's what I did. And, aga
in, your advice worked perfectly. We're back to being friends and things aren't
awkward anymore."
"So now you're comfortable enough to get together with him on the weekend to dis
cuss favorite love poems? Wasn't there anyone else in the class you could have w
orked with?"
I looked at him carefully. This was something more than an overprotective friend
, more even than an overprotective brother. This was something else. He was acti
ng angry, almost jealous. But, of course, he wouldn't be jealous. So it had to b
e anger. But why?
"Mike was the best choice and he is a friend. Why shouldn't I work with him?"
"Don't you think it's a little cruel to hang out with him and give him false hop
e when you know he wants more than friendship?" Ooh, that was below the belt, es
pecially since he was doing the same thing to me.
"Mike knows where we stand. He knows things won't go further until I'm ready."
Jasper looked at me sharply. "So some day things will go further?"
I pulled my fingers through my hair. As if this conversation hadn't been uncomfo
rtable enough already.
"I can only give you the same answer I gave him last night. Maybe someday I'll b
e ready. I don't know right now. All I know is that I'm not ready for that today
. But if that day comes, so what? It's not like there's anyone else in my life.
Do you really think Mike is that bad?"
He didn't respond right away. "You could do worse," he finally said, begrudgingl
y.
I could see it took a lot out of him to make that concession. I shook my head an
d looked down at my knees. I still didn't know where all this hostility towards
Mike was coming from, but it didn't look like I was going to get any answers tod
ay.
"I just hate that he gets to spend all this time with you, Bella. He sees you at
school, all day every day, and then several days a week after school at work, a
nd now he'll take away some of your remaining time. I guess . . . I guess I'm ju
st worried that if you start going out with him you won't have time for me at al
l."
I looked up. He was jealous, but only of my time. He didn't want anyone to take
away from his time with me while he was still here. I could understand that. I w
anted to spend as much time with him as I could too.
"Jasper," I whispered. "I'm here right now, I'll be here tomorrow, and we'll hav
e all day Saturday. And Sunday I'll try to come over in between."
"In between?" He asked, confused.
"Yes. Didn't I mention? I'm going to LaPush in the morning with Charlie to have
brunch with Jacob and his dad. That's what the rest of the groceries are for." I
said, pointing towards the untouched fourth pile of food in the kitchen.
"You're cooking for Jacob?" he asked, running his fingers through his hair.
"And Billy and Charlie," I added. "I haven't seen Jake in a week and Billy in ov
er two weeks. You know I usually go to LaPush Saturdays, but this week I'll be w
ith you so I thought a Sunday brunch would be a good compromise. We'll eat, and
then when the game starts I'll come to see you until I have to go to Mike's."
"You're going to see both Jake and Mike on Sunday?"
"And you." I was starting to feel like we were playing a game of telephone. Ever
ything was repeated, but not quite correctly. "And I'll call you at night, as us
ual."
"Right." I couldn't figure out the look on his face. "But Saturday?"
"I'm yours morning to midnight." I smiled. "And I have the prefect alibi. Ben an
d Angela are going to Olympia for the day and we'll tell everyone I'm going with
them. Isn't that great?" He looked relieved. He may have intended to say someth
ing else, but just then the kitchen timer buzzed. It was time to deal with the f
ood.
I prepared the box I had brought by placing a couple of large towels at the bott
om to protect my hands and the box from the heat and to insulate the pots and ca
sserole dish. I took the pots off the stove and placed them in the box. I then r
emoved the casserole form the over and added it to the box as well. Jasper had b
agged the remaining groceries, including items that he had placed in the fridge.
"How much do I owe you?" I asked. Jasper rolled his eyes.
"How much? You promised!" He handed me the receipt. I took out my wallet and cou
nted out the cash I had taken from the house fund this morning.
"Thanks, Jasper, for everything." Impulsively, I stepped up to him and wrapped m
y arms around him. He felt hard and cool and exactly right. I placed my face aga
inst his chest and squeezed my arms tighter, knowing full well that the extra pr
essure would have no effect on him. At first his arms hung at his side, but in a
second they were wrapped around me, pulling me into an even tighter embrace. I
stayed as long as I could, until almost all the oxygen was squeezed out of my lu
ngs.
"Can't breathe." I choked out. He immediately let me go.
"Are you all right? Did I hurt you," his voice was full of concern. I shook my h
ead and took a deep breath,
"I'm fine, Jasper. Really. We'll just have to work on the pressure. That was a l
ittle too much." I smiled at him reassuringly.
"You got it," he said, smiling back. "Practice makes perfect."
"Help me get all this stuff to the car?" I asked.
"Of course," he said as he picked up the box. I grabbed the groceries and we wal
ked back out to the truck. I had him place the box in the passenger seat to make
it easier to take out at home. I put the groceries in the passenger side foot w
ell and closed the passenger door.
"So," I said, turning to him, "I'll talk to you tonight?"
"I look forward to it," he said. "I'll have some poetry recommendations ready fo
r you."
"Another hug?" I asked hopefully. He opened his arms and I gladly stepped in. Th
is time his arms formed a loose circle around me, giving me plenty of room to br
eathe. He lowered his face so that his cheek rested on the top of my head. One o
f his hands moved in circles on my back.
"This is nice, Jasper," I murmured.
"It is, darlin'," he agreed, "It surely is."
Chapter 21: Layers
I hung on to the feeling of that last hug all the way home. Much as I didn't wan
t to think about it, being wrapped up in Jasper's arms reminded me of Edward and
all the wonderful embraces we shared before that horrible moment when, with a f
ew well chosen words, he ripped my perfect world into a million pieces. Even tho
ugh I hated him for the way he left me, I had to admit I still missed those few
intimacies he had allowed, and the way he could dazzle me and make my heart race
just by standing near me.
Of course, Edward clearly wasn't the only vampire to have that effect on me. I s
till could not believe how incredible I felt in that kitchen with Jasper, where
he hadn't even touched me! I thought back to our Tuesday night conversation. Was
he right? Was my reaction to him this strong because I saw him as a substitute
for Edward? Could it be that my completely unreasonable and Illogical physical a
ttraction to Jasper were merely a result of my need to be close to someone, anyo
ne, who had the cool marble skin, amazing topaz eyes and an inhumanly melodic vo
ice? And if this was, indeed, the explanation, did that make me a better person,
or worse? I wasn't quite sure. If I was actually responding to Jasper, I was fi
ckle. If I was responding to an Edward substitute, I was delusional. Both option
s seemed equally awful.
I was finally able to stop thinking about all this when I pulled into the drivew
ay at my house. I quickly brought in the food and groceries. I turned the oven t
o its lowest setting and shoved the casserole inside to keep it warm for dinner.
I put away the groceries, divided the stew and chicken into freezer safe contai
ners and packed those away as well. I washed the pot and skillet, leaving them i
n the sink to dry to create the impression that I cooked at home. I hoped the sm
ell of the taco casserole would be strong enough not to make Charlie wonder why
other aromas weren't present as well.
Charlie came home on time and we ate dinner in companiable silence. I waited unt
il the end of the meal to broach the subject of my weekend plans, figuring it wo
uld be easier to convince Charlie on a full stomach, if any convincing was neces
sary. I deliberately mentioned another shopping trip to Port Angeles for Friday
night and the Olympia trip with Angela and Ben first, leaving the Sunday afterno
on homework meeting at Mike's for last. I had predicted Charlie's reaction perfe
ctly. He barely noticed the two out of town trips I mentioned, focusing instead
on the time I would be spending with Mike.
"So, Bells, still nothing to tell me about Newton?"
"Nope. Just friends."
"But you'll be seeing him Sunday afternoon, and having dinner at his house?"
"Just working on a school assignment, Dad."
"Well," he said, chuckling, as he stood up and placed his dishes in the sink, "j
ust be sure the assignment gets done."
"Da-ad!" I pretended to be exasperated and the word came out in two syllables, b
ut internally I was grinning from ear to ear. The Newton decoy worked exactly as
planned. Both of my lies had slipped by.
As I washed the dinner dishes I wondered whether I should be disturbed about mis
leading Charlie as much as I had in the past couple of weeks. Only a few of the
things I told him had been actual lies, but lying by omission wasn't that much b
etter. Still, I reminded myself that my time with Jasper was limited, and I didn
't want to take a risk that our time would be further reduced if my father decid
ed to play the over protective parent. No, a few innocent lies were not going to
hurt anyone, especially since there was nothing going on with Jasper that my fa
ther would have to actually worry about.
Upstairs I worked on my assignments, trying to get a jump start on the weekend,
which would be filled with more pleasant activities. Now that my father thought
I was going to be in Port Angeles tomorrow night, I knew I would have the whole
evening to spend with Jasper and I was looking forward to it much more than I sh
ould. I wanted another day with him like last Sunday, filled with episodes of Fi
refly and board games and getting to know each other even better than we already
had.
It was amazing how much more I knew about him now than I had even a week ago, an
d yet it wasn't enough. I wanted to know everything there was to know about him.
I actually had a need to know him better than anyone, better even than. . . Don
't say it, Bella. Don't even think it!
After my regular homework was done, I tried doing research for my poetry assignm
ent, but with my extremely ancient computer and dial-up internet connection, it
was very slow-going. I crossed my fingers that Jasper would be helpful in this r
egard, because I would not have a lot of time between now and Sunday to find a s
uitable favorite love poem candidate.
Charlie finally made his way upstairs and I was able to get ready for bed and tu
rn off the light for my nightly conversation with Jasper. I had gotten so used t
o these over the last week, I wondered if I would ever be able to fall asleep ag
ain without hearing his voice. I reached for the now familiar phone and pressed
1.
"Your slightest look will easily unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skillfully, mysteriously) her first rose."
I loved when our nightly conversations started without beginning, but this was a
most stunning start. My lips fell open, marveling at the seductiveness of his d
elivery.
"Oh my," I whispered, "That's beautiful. And deep."
"Yes. Your assignment inspired me to re-visit some of my favorite poems. This wa
s from somewhere i have never traveled, gladly beyond by E.E. Cummings. The enti
re poem is amazing, I'd say rivaling your English classics, but this second vers
e in particular reminds me of you."
I swallowed and felt the tremor that always went through me when he mentioned th
at he had been thinking of me in some way when I wasn't with him. If he only kne
w the effect these casual comments had on me.
"In what way?" I asked.
"It's difficult to explain."
"Try?"
He thought for a moment.
"I've never been particularly close to anyone. I don't like to talk about myself
. I don't like to get too personal. I suppose most people would say I'm aloof, g
uarded. I prefer to think of myself as private. But you, you seek information in
a way that makes it impossible to deny you. You're not merely curious, you genu
inely want to know. And so you have been peeling me open, layer by layer. It's q
uite extraordinary."
"I'm sorry if I've been intrusive. I don't mean to pry."
"No need to apologize. I said this was difficult to explain. Alice knows me bett
er than anyone else, but that knowledge came through many years of being togethe
r. Over time, I told her my entire story at my own pace, and she never rushed me
, never asked. She seemed comfortable just to live in the moment, or in the futu
re – she didn't have much interest in the past beyond what I was comfortable shari
ng with her on my own, though in the end I wanted to share it all. Perhaps she h
ad foreseen that all along, and that's why she never prodded.
"Edward probably knows me second best, not through actually seeking me out, but
through reading my thoughts over the time we've been with the Cullens. I suppose
with his ability he had no need to ask me anything.
"The others know some, but a lot less. In the two weeks that we've been talking,
you probably know more about me than they do."
"That's because our time together is limited, so I have to gather information qu
ickly," I replied, suddenly feeling like an inquisitor.
"No, I think it's because you actually care." I stopped breathing, not sure whet
her I could accept such a harsh judgment of the Cullens.
"The Cullens care about you," I said quietly.
"They do in a way," his voice had no emotion, "They have been generous in allowi
ng us to join their Coven and they have made Alice very happy. But, as you know,
I'm not like the rest of them. They are my family now and we do care for each o
ther, but I am and forever will be the misfit."
"You're not a misfit," I said vehemently.
"It's all right, Bella. I don't mean it negatively. It's a statement of fact. Th
ey don't understand me. They never really tried and I'm not sure they could if t
hey did try. And, to be completely fair, I haven't exactly opened up to them eit
her or encouraged their inquiries. But you found a way to draw me out that's unp
recedented. And while it sometimes is uncomfortable, I also find it oddly reassu
ring. I had thought myself incapable of this kind of interaction with anyone. I'
m glad to know I was wrong. And I'm grateful that you have opened up yourself to
me in return."
"It's not fair to you, is it? There's not as much to me as there is to you."
"Not in experience, perhaps, but certainly in complexity. You're positively merc
urial. Your emotions, personality, are so unpredictable. You're amazingly diffic
ult to read and pinpoint, and those are just the things I can feel. There's so m
uch more that I will never know unless you decide to share it with me."
"You can ask me anything, Jasper."
"I know. But there are questions that should never be asked, things that should
only be revealed if you desire to do so."
Like how you became a vampire? I had already breached this unwritten etiquette b
y asking the forbidden question. I would not do it again. He would tell me when
he was ready.
"I found some books for you in Carlisle's library and marked some possibilities.
You'll find them in your truck tomorrow morning." He was signaling that the oth
er part of our conversation was over.
"That was so nice of you. Thank you! I feel like I'm taking advantage. Practical
ly your whole day today was taken up with my needs."
"It feels nice to be needed, Bella. It's not exactly something I've experienced
often in the past. I enjoy doing this for you. Well, except for the 'feeling lik
e an idiot in the supermarket' part."
I giggled.
"I thought we already determined that you shouldn't have felt that way."
"By that time it was too late. But that's okay. Maybe I needed that experience a
s well. It just wasn't enjoyable. But I was well compensated. You won't forget y
our promise about Saturday, right?"
I groaned. "I don't suppose you're going to give me any hints about what to expe
ct?"
He laughed. "No. I want it to be a complete surprise."
"You're impossible. Please do not go overboard."
He laughed even harder, as if I had told a funny joke. "Don't worry. I wasn't pl
anning on it."
I yawned. It was getting late and I was having a hard time keeping my lids open.
"Sweet dreams, Bella," I heard him say, before he sang me to sleep with a new so
ng.
Sister moon will be my guide
In your blue blue shadows I would hide
All good people asleep tonight
I'm all by myself in your silver light
I would gaze at your face the whole night through
I'd go out of my mind but for you
I'd go out of my mind but for you
Chapter 22: Scars
My school day Friday was a blur. In English, Mike and I searched in vain to find
the "perfect" love poems. Unlike the classics, I found most modern American poe
try too direct and overt. Interesting, certainly, but not really suitable for a
high school class project and definitely not romantic enough, which was my numbe
r one criterion for a favorite love poem. Mike, whose primary goal seemed to be
finding as short and simple of a poem as possible, also wasn't having much luck,
though he at least had a few back-up options. Though I found Carlisle's books i
n my truck in the morning as Jasper had promised, I didn't bring them into the s
chool with me. I tried telling myself it was because I wanted to complete the as
signment on my own, without any help, but I had to acknowledge that it had more
to do with wanting to read through the poems Jasper suggested in private. Seeing
his selections for the first time in a classroom full of people, with Mike by m
y side, just seemed wrong.
Mike and I agreed to continue our search over the weekend and to be ready on Sun
day with a few possibilities. We made a pact that neither of us would choose a p
oem that would make the other too uncomfortable. This was especially important t
o me, given my recent conversation with Mike about the situation between us. Whi
le I knew Mike liked me, I didn't think he was in love with me and I certainly w
asn't in love with him, so picking poems that were too mushy or pointed would be
a disaster for both of us. A mutual veto power would keep us in check.
After school I was almost dizzy with anticipation. I'm fairly sure I floated to
my truck and I had little recollection of the actual drive to Jasper's house. I
was so looking forward to this evening alone with him, more so even than the day
-long trip to Seattle, the thought of which, following the promise Jasper extrac
ted from me, made me feel really nervous. Tonight, though, I didn't have to be n
ervous. It would just be the two of us enjoying each other's company.
He was waiting for me at the bottom of the porch stairs again, holding the same
lazy cowboy pose as the day before. My heart quickened as soon as I saw him and
I instantly knew the answer to the question I was pondering yesterday on the way
home. This reaction had absolutely nothing to do with Edward. The tingling that
I felt throughout my body every time that I saw him was all about Jasper. It wa
sn't even about his lean, lithe body, his deep gorgeous eyes and his tousled gol
den hair. Instead, it was an all encompassing thrill of knowing that we were goi
ng to be together laughing, talking, and sharing. With Jasper I didn't have to b
e self conscious – I could just be me and not feel juvenile or inadequate.
I wasn't sure how or when it happened, but somehow Jasper managed to erase all o
f the self-doubt I felt after Edward told me I wasn't good enough for him. Jaspe
r made me feel more than good enough – he made me feel special. It didn't matter t
hat he didn't want a romantic relationship with me – I knew he had a good reason.
What mattered is that he wanted to be with me and to get to know me and do thing
s that I wanted to do, not things that he felt I should be doing. He didn't need
to guide and control me. Instead, he had worked his magic and conjured up a new
, strong, self-confident Bella. A Bella who didn't just survive Edward's abandon
ment, she could thrive without him. He helped me become my own person again, a p
erson that somehow had been lost during my time with Edward.
I parked the truck and turned off the engine. Just like the previous day, Jasper
pushed himself off the porch and was at my door in time to open it for me. Inst
ead of waiting for me to get out, though, he sped to the passenger side, opened
that door and grabbed my book bag. He swung the bag over his shoulder and looked
over at me with a grin.
"I've been looking forward to this evening all week."
I smiled back at him. "Me too!"
We walked to the house side by side. Inside, Jasper placed my bag on one of the
kitchen stools.
"Hungry?" He asked.
"A little, but if I eat any more chips and soda soon I won't be able to fit into
my clothes."
"Ah. I kind of thought you might be tired of those. When I was at the supermarke
t yesterday I got some of those microwave dinners. I know they're not as good as
your cooking, but they sure beat mine. Will they do in a pinch?"
I looked at him incredulously.
"Seriously? You shopped for food for me?" I walked over to the freezer and looke
d inside. It was filled with a wide variety of brands and types of frozen entree
s. The check out clerk at the market must have thought Jasper was insane.
I wasn't a big fan of frozen entrees, but I loved the gesture. I looked though t
he selection in the freezer and picked out a stir fry dish that looked most appe
tizing. I read the instructions on the back of the package and popped the food i
nto Esme's microwave. I was sure this was the first time the appliance had been
used. Jasper walked over to a drawer, pulled out a fork and handed it to me.
"Thanks," I said, genuinely grateful. "Thanks for always thinking of me and anti
cipating my needs."
He looked pleased. "I did okay, then?"
"You did great!" I stepped towards him and gave him a hug, maintaining the embra
ce longer than I should have. Jasper hugged me back, slightly hesitantly, taking
care not to hold me too tightly. We broke apart only when the ring of the micro
wave announced that my dinner was ready.
I ate sitting at the kitchen bar counter, while Jasper told me about his day. He
spent a lot of time in public places in Port Angeles, continuing to train himse
lf to interact with humans. Apparently it was getting easier and easier for him
to tamp down his bloodlust. As happy as I was for him and his success, I also fe
ared that his last day in Forks was rapidly approaching. I knew this was inevita
ble, but I hated it nevertheless.
When I was done eating, we moved to the living room, where Jasper had already se
t up the next episode of Firefly. I made myself comfortable on the sofa and Jasp
er sat near me, though far enough away to be able to angle himself to watch me i
nstead of the TV. I groaned.
"You're not going to do that again, are you?" I complained. "Now that I know wha
t you're doing I'm nervous. I feel a bit like a scientific study subject under o
bservation."
Jasper looked so disappointed I actually chuckled. And then I remembered how muc
h he had done for me over the last two days and suddenly letting him watch me wa
tching TV didn't seem like all that much to give in return.
"It's okay, Jasper," I said. "I was just kidding. You can watch me if you want t
o – I'll be fine.
As soon as the show came on I was so absorbed that I didn't have time to think a
bout being watched. I delighted in the dialog, the sets and the costumes, but mo
stly in the relationships between the characters. We were watching an episode ca
lled Shindig, where Mal inadvertently got himself roped into a sword duel while
trying to defend Inara's honor. The episode was a perfect mix of humor, action a
nd romance. Of course, the romance was very understated, as the characters refus
ed to do what they needed to do in order to be with each other.
"I don't get it," I said after the episode ended. "Why don't Mal and Inara just
get together already? It's clear they're in love with one another. Why can't the
y just admit it and live happily ever after?"
Jasper looked and me. His expression was at once thoughtful and amused.
"It's not that simple."
"Why not?"
"Mal doesn't like to be vulnerable."
"Seems to me he made himself pretty vulnerable when he asked Inara to stay on th
e ship."
Jasper inclined his head in agreement. "It took a lot out of him, though. Normal
ly he is more guarded, doesn't get close to people, builds a wall around himself
. He's been though a war and he's scarred."
I looked at him carefully. We were no longer just talking about the TV character
. I was about to ask, but then remembered his statement last night about questio
ns that should never be asked. If there was a story to tell, he would tell me wh
en he was ready.
"But if he doesn't let anyone get close enough, how can they get past the scars
to help him heal?"
"Maybe there are some scars people cannot overlook?"
"I don't believe that. Not when the scarred person isn't willing to let anyone t
ry."
We were silent then. The discussion of scars made me think about Phoenix and Jam
es. I pushed up the sleeve of my shirt and absentmindedly traced the crescent-sh
aped scar left by James when he tried to kill me, before the Cullens stopped and
killed him. The scar felt cooler than the rest of my skin. I knew that even aft
er Jasper left Forks, the scar would be a permanent reminder of my association w
ith the beautiful immortals, a reminder that I would never be able to let anyone
get close enough to know about that part of my life. Was it even possible for m
e to lead a normal human life after all that's happened to me in the last year?
Maybe Jasper was right? Maybe there were scars that could not be overlooked?
I felt Jasper shift closer to me on the sofa. He reached for my arm and caught i
t before I could push down the shirt sleeve to hide the scar again. He rubbed hi
s thumb over the scar. The cool sensation of his skin on mine had a soothing eff
ect.
"I am responsible for this," he said. "I failed to protect you."
"James is responsible for this," I said firmly. "And you did protect me. You kil
led him to protect me. And you're here now to protect me again."
A vision of the three nomad vampires we encountered last spring suddenly came to
my mind. James was gone, but two of the others remained, and one of them was on
his way to Forks. Alice had seen it. She had seen him watching me. The fact tha
t she has not seen anything else meant only than he had not yet made a decision
what to do to with me when he found me. And once he did make the decision, would
it be too late? Would he finish off what James started? The fear and pain I exp
erienced in the spring came rushing back in, overwhelming my senses. I closed my
eyes tightly and unsuccessfully fought to block them out. My body began to quak
e with terror.
Jasper moved even closer to me, lifting me into his lap and cradling me in his a
rms. I pressed my face into his chest, soaking his shirt with tears I hadn't rea
lized were streaming from my eyes.
"Shhhhh, Darlin'," Jasper whispered as he rocked me gently, "It's all right. I'm
here. You're safe. I won't let anyone ever hurt you again."
I sobbed into his chest, still shaking. His arms tightened around me as he conti
nued to rock and whisper.
"I'm here, Bella. I'll protect you. I swear I won't fail this time. You'll be sa
fe."
"But . . . but . . . but . . ." I couldn't even speak through my sobs, "you're a
lone. What if Laurent is stronger? What if something happens to you?"
The thought of Jasper being hurt, of Jasper dying, sent me into another round of
sobs. I clutched to him desperately, trying to erase the horrible visions from
my mind.
"That is not possible, Bella," His voice was strong, confident. "I am skilled in
battle. Laurent is no match for me."
His tone made me stop sobbing momentarily. He sounded so sure of himself, it fel
t like a betrayal not to believe in him. But seconds later, the fear took over a
gain.
"I know you were in the military, Jasper," I said through my tears, "But that wa
s a human war, this is something different. The tactics you learned in the confe
derate army don't apply here. I know you're strong and powerful, but so is he."
He placed his hands on my shoulders and pulled me away from his chest so he coul
d look into my eyes.
"Bella, my fighting skills do not come from my human military training. The huma
n war I was involved with paled in comparison to what happened after I became im
mortal."
I looked at him, shocked. How could anything pale in comparison with the Civil W
ar? Wasn't that the bloodiest conflict ever fought on American soil?
"I want to tell you my story, but I need you to listen carefully because you nee
d to understand who I am, and what I'm capable of, and I think I will only be ab
le to get through it once. I'm not trying to manipulate you, Bella, but you're u
pset right now and I'm worried in your current state you may not be able to full
y comprehend what I'm saying. I may frighten you too much."
"Jasper," I said, my voice betraying more apprehension than I had wanted it to.
"You don't have to tell me anything."
"No, Bella, I do. You have to know who I was and what I've done, and once you kn
ow you have to decide for yourself whether you want to continue associating with
me. But just while I'm telling you my story, I need you to remain calm. After t
hat I'll stop and you'll be able to react however you want. But just during the
story, so that you hear it in its entirety, can I help keep you calm?"
I considered his request carefully. I was already feeling calmer. I was still a
bit anxious, but calmer. I had a feeling I would not need his help to stay that
way. But if it would help him to know he had my permission to calm me, if that w
ould somehow make it easier for him to do what he was obviously dreading, I woul
d gladly grant it.
"If I need it, Jasper, I'd be grateful if you helped me stay calm."
He sighed in relief. I lifted my hand and ran it through his hair, pushing it aw
ay from his eyes. My hand slid down the side of his face, resting on his cheek.
He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. I leaned forward, resting my face and bod
y against his chest, and breathed him in. Yesterday this act had set all my sens
es on fire. Today, it was comforting. I hoped my scent was having a similar effe
ct on him.
"Jasper?"
"Yes, Darlin'?"
"Before you start, I need you to know that nothing you could say, nothing you co
uld have done in your past will change my opinion of you. People change, and I k
now you have changed. It doesn't matter to me who you once were – the only thing t
hat matters is who you are now. My friend, my champion, my protector . . . I don
't know what I would have done these last few weeks without you. You were there
for me when I needed you, when everyone else left me, and that's all I care abou
t. So I will listen to everything you have to tell me, but it will not make any
difference."
He wrapped his arms around me and held me to him. "I don't deserve all the faith
you have in me, Bella. But I appreciate it more than you could ever know."
He stayed silent for a moment, then he began.
He told me about the three beautiful women he met following the evacuation of Ga
lveston and about Maria, who became his creator. He told me about the newborns,
about how he had used his military training and his power to control emotions to
train an army of newborn vampires, about the fighting for territory and the way
he disposed of the newborns when they were no longer useful. He showed me the m
ultiple bite marks on his arms, the scars forming a texture on what should have
been perfectly smooth skin. He spared no details, being deliberately gory in his
 descriptions, but I had no trouble remaining calm. I knew that the Jasper who h
ad done all these awful things was gone, replaced by the man who could hold a hu
man in his arms and resist all desire for carnage.
Jasper kept speaking. He told me about becoming depressed, about Peter and his m
ate, a newborn named Charlotte, whom he allowed to escape. He explained that Pet
er and Charlotte eventually came back for him and described his life with them,
free of war but still feeding on humans. I felt the pain in his voice as he reca
lled his depression and his futile attempts at resisting feeding on humans. And
I heard the awe in his voice when he described meeting Alice, who had been waiti
ng for him in a diner so they could go off together to look for Carlisle and the
rest of the Cullens. He told me how surprised they were when he and Alice showe
d up out of the blue and demanded to join their coven
I listened to it all wordlessly. I found it hard to wrap my mind around all he h
ad gone through to get to this point. I probably should have been repulsed by th
e lifestyle he had led before, but I knew that he hadn't been responsible for it
– he only did what he was trained to do until someone showed him a new and better
way. I saw Jasper in a completely new light, and I admired him for his continui
ng effort to resist the way of life that must have been so ingrained in him.
Jasper shifted me in his lap so he could look me in the eye. His expression was
puzzled. He shook his head. "You are an enigma, Bella. Your emotional reactions
are so unpredictable. You should be disgusted with me, or at least horrified. In
stead, you're . . ."
"You don't disgust me, Jasper," I said quickly. "And in case it wasn't clear whe
n I started dating Edward, I'm not easily horrified. What you did, leaving Maria
and then also leaving Peter and Charlotte, that's the bravest thing I could ima
gine. You didn't have Alice's foresight, so you had no idea that there was anoth
er way of life, yet you tried to get on that path all by yourself. You're amazin
g!"
Jasper smiled, though the smile didn't quite reach his eyes.
"You have an interesting way of looking at things, Bella. I just told you that I
killed hundreds of people, many of them innocent, or turned them into vampires
and then killed them, and yet you find me amazing? You saw the monster that live
s within me a few weeks ago when I nearly killed you. Was that amazing? It's bee
n years since I left that life behind, and yet I smell one drop of blood and my
resolve disappears while my desire to kill overwhelms everything else." He ran h
is hand through his blond curls, clearly frustrated. I wondered if he was frustr
ated with himself or with me, for not reacting appropriately to his life story.
Whichever it was, I couldn't just sit there without saying anything.
"The life you've chosen is more difficult for you than for any of the others. Mo
st of them had Carlisle to guide them, and Alice had her visions. In the meantim
e, both your human and vampire upbringing pre-disposed you towards a lifestyle o
f blood and battle. And yet all of the Cullens avoid the blood typing biology la
b, because they know how easily they could slip. The night of my birthday, every
one in this room except for Carlisle was hungry for my blood! I could see it in
their eyes. They're not so different from you, Jasper, no matter what you may th
ink."
I lifted my hand to his cheek again, looking him straight in the eye.
"I heard everything you said and it changed nothing. But I'm glad you told me an
d I'm glad you don't have to carry this burden anymore."
Hi eyes held mine as his hand moved up to cover the hand I held over his cheek.
He lowered my hand to his lips and kissed the flesh of my palm. Then he slowly k
issed each fingertip in turn, before kissing my palm again and returning it to h
is cheek.
"Thank you, Darlin'," he whispered. "I should have known you would react like th
is. I should have had as much faith in you as you had in me."
I stared at him in wonder and I burned for him. My hand tingled everywhere his l
ips had touched my skin. I pressed myself against his chest again, fearing what
I would do if we continued to gaze at each other. My heart thundered in my chest
furiously as my blood flooded every cell in my body. My breathing came faster a
nd shallower. I was starting to feel lightheaded and giddy. I had to stop this,
get a handle on my emotions, get away. I pushed myself off his lap to stand on t
he floor beside him.
"I think I need a human moment," I mumbled and ran to the washroom. I closed the
door behind me and leaned back on it heavily, forcing myself to breathe slowly
and deeply. Eventually my heart rate slowed to its normal pace and my breathing
evened out. I splashed some water on my face, reminding me of the last time I ha
d used this room for this very purpose less than a week ago. I needed to learn s
ome self-control before I did anything Jasper and I would both regret.
I emerged from the washroom a few minutes later. Jasper was up, standing next to
the living room windows. He turned to look at me when he heard me walk into the
room.
"Hey," he said softly. "Everything all right?"
I nodded.
"With me too," he said, and gave me a small smile.
I looked at my watch, noting it was later than I thought.
"I'd better be getting home. Big day tomorrow. I have to get my beauty sleep."
He didn't seem surprised. He walked over to the kitchen and picked up my bag, re
ady to walk me to the truck. I joined him and we walked out together, side by si
de. He opened the driver side door for me first, then sped to the passenger side
to deposit the book bag, before returning to close the driver side door. I cran
ked down the window when he looked like he wanted to say something.
"Thank you again for today, Bella," he said.
I sighed.
"You have nothing to thank me for."
"Doesn't mater. I thank you anyway. And I'm really looking forward to tomorrow.
What time will you be here?"
"I'll leave as early as I can, probably right after Charlie leaves to go fishing
."
"Good. The earlier the better. I have a full day planed and we don't want to mis
s anything."
I rolled my eyes. "I'm not going to ask because I know you won't tell me anythin
g, but I'm looking forward to the mystery day too."
"Call me tonight?"
"Of course."

Chapter 23: Little Bewildered Girl

Back at home, Charlie was watching TV and barely gave me a second look as I came
in with my "prop" shopping bag. I told him that I was tired and headed upstairs
to get ready for bed. I went through my usual routine, but only my body was in
my house, operating on auto pilot. My mind was back at Jasper's, replaying the e
vening like a movie. Jasper had touched me! Not only touched, but held me in his
arms, in his lap, for much of the night. It was a gesture of comfort, I knew. H
e had only been trying to help alleviate my fear of Laurent. But I couldn't lie
to myself any longer. If it had been up to me, it would have been more.
I thought back to the conversation we had Tuesday night. We were supposed to be
working on our friendship, helping each other overcome these inappropriate feeli
ngs. And, seemingly, Jasper wasn't having any trouble on that front. But I sure
was, and he was not helping. It occurred to me that I should remind him that I n
eeded his help, that I should ask him to stop doing all of the things that were
driving me mad for him. But unbeknownst to me there was a part of me, a very sma
ll part, that was extremely selfish, and this part now roared to life.
The selfish Bella wanted to take whatever she could get from Jasper for as long
as she could get it, consequences be damned. No one else in the world mattered;
no one could get in the way of her getting what she wanted. And I knew that this
part of me would fight tooth and nail against any attempt by the rest of me to
return the relationship between me and Jasper to a less intimate level.
As long as he's not uncomfortable with it, selfish Bella reasoned, what's the ha
rm? We're not doing anything wrong. Sure, we may be a bit closer than most frien
ds, but there's nothing wrong with closeness as long as we don't cross the line.
Of course, what selfish Bella knew but was unwilling to acknowledge, was that he
r line was getting more and more blurry. She was willing to push the boundary as
far as it would go. Should I warn Jasper? Should I tell him how dangerous I rea
lly was? Was it only a few days ago that I thought of him as the predator? He wa
s the one that needed to take care now. He was the one that wasn't safe.
So when I walked back into my room, it was the selfish Bella that reached for my
limited music collection and shuffled through until she found a long-forgotten
disc. She was the one that put the disc in the CD player, turned the volume down
low enough so that it couldn't be heard outside the room, and set it to repeat
the single track, before she turned off the light and called Jasper.
"Music, Bella?"
"Mmmm. Sometimes I get in the mood to listen to something I haven't heard in a w
hile."
He didn't say anything for a moment.
"I wouldn't have pegged you for a Selena fan."
"My musical tastes are eclectic. This is a sweet song."
"It is indeed.
Oops. He threw me for a loop. I had never bothered to translate the Spanish port
ion of the lyrics, and now I had no idea what he was saying or thinking. I felt
like a fool. Note to selfish Bella – be sure to always know the full meaning of th
e message before you try to send it. I scrambled out of bed and walked to the CD
player, waiting for the song to be over before hitting the stop button. There w
ould be no repeat performances tonight.
I kept waiting for Jasper to chuckle or make a joke about the song, but he said
nothing. I got back into bed and realized that he was waiting for me to continue
the conversation.
"Um, I never did look up what those lyrics meant. I suppose you know?"
"Yes. After living for as long as I had in the south and in Mexico, Spanish is a
lmost like another first language for me."
Oh, no! I not only played a song with lyrics I didn't fully understand, I also m
anaged to remind Jasper of the most painful time in his life. How could I have b
een so thoughtless? This is what happened when I let the selfish part of me take
over. I hurt the people I cared about the most. It was a painful reminder of wh
at I had to do. Selfish Bella was going to be under lock and key for the rest of
Jasper's time in Forks. From now on I would do my best to be the good Bella, th
e Bella that could keep herself in check.
I became aware of yet another prolonged silence, and realized it was my turn to
speak.
"I'm so very sorry, Jasper. I wasn't thinking. I should have never put that song
on."
"It's all right, Darlin'," he said, softly. "I actually like that song very much
. I will have to add it to my Bella play list."
I swallowed loudly.
"You have a Bella play list? Can I ask what's on it?"
"Maybe some day. Not tonight, though. Tonight I want to find out more about you.
Tell me something that Ed . . . that no one else knows."
He covered the slip very quickly, but I heard it. He had wanted me to tell him s
omething about myself that Edward didn't know. I considered the question, which
would actually be easy to answer because there had been so many things I never b
othered to tell Edward. I'd always felt that Edward saw me as a very young girl,
someone who wasn't quite at his level of maturity. At the time, knowing that he
had lived almost a hundred years longer than I, his reactions made sense. But t
hen Jasper was even older, and he never made me feel that way. I always felt I c
ould tell Jasper anything without being judged.
"Well, I like to play pinball."
He laughed, his melodic voice tingling pleasantly in my ear.
"Pinball, Bella? Really? I suppose that makes sense, although you still need to
coordinate two hands to press the flippers."
I knew I was being teased, but I didn't mind. It was a gentle, friendly teasing,
 and it got Jasper to forget my Spanish faux pas.
"I didn't say I was good at it," I grumbled. "Just that I liked to play. There's
kind of a low risk of injury in pinball." I said, sheepishly.
"Hmmm," he said thoughtfully. "We may have to re-arrange our plans tomorrow some
what to make a stop at an arcade. I find the thought of watching you play pinbal
l absolutely enchanting."
"Ha! You won't have to alter your plans too much and it won't be such a great sh
ow. Like I said, I never claimed to be good. And don't even think you can talk m
e into a 2 player game. I don't want to spend the entire day in the arcade, and
I have a feeling you could do that with just one ball."
"Guilty as charged, I'm afraid," he admitted, "though it's been a long time sinc
e I played. Do you have any favorite machines?"
I blushed. I did, in fact, have some favorite machines. Would that make me look
like a complete dork?
"Um, I like the Addams Family, Champion Pub, Bride of Pinbot and Funhouse."
Jasper whistled.
"I am impressed. You are no pinball novice. I'm not sure we'll be able to find a
ny of those classics in Seattle tomorrow. You might have to settle for something
more current."
"Jasper, I don't even want to play pinball tomorrow. I was just telling you some
thing about myself that no one here knows. It's no big deal. I haven't played si
nce I moved to Forks and I haven't missed it." Much.
I was secretly pleased that he apparently knew enough about pinball to recognize
the machines I mentioned. Pinball was not exactly a popular pastime anymore. Mo
st of my friends probably wouldn't be able to recognize a machine if they saw on
e. I had only learned to play because the father of one of my friends in Phoenix
was a pinball fanatic and always had anywhere from 4 to 8 machines in his game
room, which we could play to our heart's content while he was at work. This remi
nded me that I haven't called or e-mailed Trina since I moved here, and I made a
mental note to get back in touch with her soon.
Suddenly, a horrifying thought occurred to me.
"Jasper?"
"Yes, Darlin'?"
"Promise me that you will not get on the Internet tonight and buy a bunch of pin
ball machines for your house. Please! If you do, I swear I'll never come visit a
gain."
I could almost hear his disappointment through the silence.
"I think you know me too well," he said. "And why not? It would be so much fun!"
I thought about this for a moment. He was right. It would be a lot of fun. But i
t would also be very expensive. Still, would it be too awful if . . .?
"Okay," I said, "You're right. It would be fun. But just one!"
He chuckled.
"Thanks, Bella. I promise, just one. I'll get whichever one I can find with the
shortest delivery time. Maybe we can play next week."
I smiled. It was nice to hear him so excited.
"That sounds really great, Jasper." I told him, and I meant it.
"What else, Bella? What other secrets are you hiding?" I blushed. I could never
tell him the biggest secret without potentially hurting him. I had to quickly th
ink of something else.
"Um. I like travelogues?"
"Travelogues?"
"Yes. You know, those shows they play on public television where you can see far
away places. Renee never had a lot of money so we didn't travel and Charlie is
a home body. So outside of Forks and Phoenix, I haven't really been anywhere. So
me day I hope to travel all over, but for now I just have to do it vicariously,
by watching travelogues."
He was thoughtful.
"How is it possible that the more we talk and the more I learn about you, the mo
re fascinating you become? Shouldn't the mystery of you lessen with each revelat
ion instead of increase?"
I frowned.
"I'm not really so mysterious, Jasper, or fascinating."
"I disagree. There's so much more of you beneath the surface that you've never r
evealed. As long as you and Edward had been together, how can it be that he neve
r knew these things?"
"He never asked," I confessed. "And I didn't tell him, because I thought he woul
d find these things silly. He already disapproved of my truck, and my favorite b
ooks. I was worried that if I told him more and he disapproved of that too, he w
ouldn't want to be with me. And I was right. In the end, that's exactly what hap
pened. My silly, human ways got tiresome and drove him away."
"No, Bella. That's not. . ."
"Stop. Don't say any more. I know he's your brother and you feel the need to def
end him, but I really do not want to talk about him tonight."
I glanced at the clock, glad that it provided a perfect excuse to end the conver
sation.
"It's late, Jasper. I should go to sleep. I have a feeling you planned a busy da
y for tomorrow."
"Darlin', I'm sorry. I didn't mean to . . ."
"I know. It's all right. I'm all right. I just don't want to get upset tonight a
nd I don't want to argue, especially not about Edward. I want to get some rest a
nd then have an awesome day with you tomorrow. Okay?"
"Of course, Bella. That's perfectly okay. Sleep well."
"Good night, Jasper."
I closed my eyes and fell asleep to his honeyed voice singing my lullaby.
I woke up Saturday morning with a delicious sense of anticipation.
"Morning, sleeping beauty."
Oh, boy! I really needed to have that conversation with Jasper to request that h
e stop sabotaging my restraints on selfish Bella.
"Morning, Jasper. Did you find the pinball machine yet?' I teased him.
"Maybe, maybe not," he teased right back. "You'll just have to wait and see."
I laughed. "You like to keep things mysterious too, don't you?"
"Don't worry, Darlin'. A lot of the mysteries will be revealed shortly, about my
plans for today, anyway."
"Great. I look forward to that. I'm going to go get ready. Any suggestions on wh
at I should wear?"
"Hmmm. Something comfortable and casual, but maybe not jeans. And bring a warm j
acket."
"Oooh. Very mysterious! Sounds like I should be ready for anything."
He laughed.
"Just be ready to have fun. Let me take care of the rest. And remember, no compl
aining! Oh, and bring the poetry books. We might have a little down time to go o
ver some possibilities."
"All right. You might have to remind me every once in a while about not complain
ing, but I'll try. I'll see you soon."
"I look forward to it!"
We hung up and I hopped out of bed. I reviewed my clothing choices. With jeans o
ut of the equation, my selection was somewhat limited. I settled for closely-fit
ted khakis and a rose colored shirt with a v-neck that would have passed the Jes
sica Stanley test – it made my boobs look good. I knew Jasper wouldn't be paying a
ny attention, but feeling pretty made me more self-confident. I listened for Cha
rlie and, when I heard nothing, looked out into the driveway. The cruiser was go
ne, which meant I had the house to myself.
I showered and dressed as quickly as possible. Not wanting to waste time on brea
kfast, I grabbed a couple of pop-tarts to eat on the way along with a bottle of
water. I couldn't wait to see what Jasper had in store for us.
As always lately, I arrived at Jasper's house in record time. He was waiting for
me, looking model-perfect as always. He wore khakis as well, paired with an ivo
ry cable knit sweater that he wore over a white T-shirt. He carried, but did not
wear, a hooded windbreaker.
He motioned for me to pull into the garage.
"So that your truck is hidden just in case anyone comes out here for any reason
today." He explained when I got out of the truck. That made perfect sense. I was
, after all, supposed to be spending the day in Olympia.
"Ready?" He asked, his eyes shining with excitement.
"Absolutely!" I said.
"Come on, then," he said, pulling me by the hand. We walked to the far end of th
e garage. I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw the vehicle he was pulling me t
o.
"Jasper, is that your car?" I asked, though of course I already knew the answer.
"Yes," he looked at me carefully. "Do you like it?"
I closed my mouth, which had fallen open at the sight of the car, and nodded. I
didn't know what to say. The car was Jasper. It was as though it had been design
ed just for him. It was sleek and beautiful and mysterious and dangerous. Gold w
ith black panels on the sides and darkly tinted windows, even the colors were pe
rfect for Jasper. It was by far the most exciting and alluring vehicle I had eve
r seen. I had never had a reaction to a car besides the loyalty I felt to my tru
ck, but this car turned me on! Just like Jasper! Selfish Bella screamed from ins
ide her prison. Pipe down! The rational me screamed back.
Jasper opened the passenger door, revealing the black leather interior. He held
out his hand to help me get inside. I slid into the passenger seat and buckled i
n, looking around in awe.
In less than a second the passenger door was closed and Jasper was sitting in th
e driver's seat beside me.
"I'm so glad you like it," he said, and he really seemed like he meant it. "This
is a bit of an indulgence on my part, but it is my prized possession."
"What is it?" I asked, glancing at the shiny engine located directly behind us.
"It's an Audi R8, and I had this one specially built based on the prototype befo
re the new V-10 model was available to the public. It's a truly magnificent mach
ine."
I swallowed. This was definitely a race car, built for maximum velocity. Was thi
s the right time to tell him that I really did not like it when the Cullens drov
e their cars at breakneck speed? They, of course, were indestructible and excell
ent drivers, but I wasn't so sure about the others on the road. Jasper must have
sensed my fear.
"Don't worry, Darlin'," he said. "I'll keep it under 100 today."
"Oh, good," I said weakly.
"Or I'll go slower if you need me to," he added, though even I could feel how mu
ch it took for him to say it.
"Let's just get on the road and see how it goes, all right?"
"Sure. Here we go." And with that he backed out of the garage, closed the doors
and pulled away from the house towards the main road.
At first we drove in silence, just listening to the purr of the engine. I loved
watching Jasper drive, loved the way he shifted gears, loved the concentration o
n his face, loved his profile. I was completely absorbed by him. I didn't even n
otice the rate of speed, though I noticed that the forest on either side of the
road seemed to pass us in a steady blur.
"See something you like?" he teased after I had been staring at him for some tim
e.
"As a mater of fact, yes," I said, and blushed.
"Really? Well, don't keep me in the dark. What is it?"
"I like watching you drive," I confessed. "It's so natural, so right, like the c
ar is an extension of you."
"Oh, Darlin', I wish I had known that sooner. I would have taken you for drives
all along. As it is, I'm almost regretting some of the plans I made for today."
"No. I'm sure everything you planned will be fantastic. We can always go for a r
ide again another time."
"See, Bella. This is exactly what I mean. I never would have expected this react
ion from you. You're utterly fascinating. Thank you."
We sped along and soon we passed Port Angeles. When we got to Discovery Bay, how
ever, instead of continuing on towards Seattle, Jasper headed north for Port Tow
nsend. I was confused.
"I thought we were going to Seattle?"
"We are. We're just making a stop in Port Townsend."
"But isn't that . . . ?" I stopped. I had promised not to complain. Besides, it
didn't really matter where we were. I was just enjoying my day with Jasper. "Nev
er mind."
Jasper smiled at me and indicated his thanks with a nod of his head. "It's not s
o hard, is it?" he asked
"Not so far," I acknowledged. "We'll see how the rest of the day goes."
"Bella," his voice was at once a plea and a warning. I ignored it and settled ba
ck into my seat, turning my head again to watch him drive. His lips turned up in
to a smile.
"You do wonders for my ego, Darlin'."
"As you have for mine."
He looked over at me, surprised.
"But I've been remiss," he said. "I haven't even told you how lovely you look to
day. That shirt is very flattering. You should wear that color more often – it mat
ches your blush."
And how could I prevent the blush from spreading all over my face when he said s
weet things like that? I guess I was wrong when I assumed he wouldn't notice my
clothes. I turned to face the front and looked down at my knees, embarrassed.
"Got tired of the view?" he teased.
"Jasper Whitlock!"
"Actually, for today's purposes it's Hale."
"Huh?"
"I needed to use my legal name to make the arrangements and, at least for the mo
ment, my legal name is Jasper Hale."
"Oh, okay. I'll try to remember."
"You shouldn't really have to use my last name, but I didn't want you to wonder
in case anyone else does."
This was getting more and more mysterious. Why would other people need to use Ja
sper's last name?
We reached the Port Townsend city limits and followed the road to the waterfront
, where Jasper pulled the car into a spot at the Port Townsend Boat Haven.
"A boat, Jasper?" I asked, weakly. What in the world was he up to?
Using human speed, Jasper walked to my side of the car to open the door and help
me get out of the vehicle. Still holding my hand, he locked the car and armed t
he alarm. He pulled me to walk with him to one of the marina slips holding a yac
ht that was clearly close to exceeding the size limits of the marina.
"A yacht?" I used my free hand to cover my eyes. "I thought we were going to Sea
ttle?"
"We are, Darlin', just a little bit later. First I wanted to take you on a speci
al adventure. It's the perfect time of year for whale watching, so I though we c
ould cruise to the San Juan Islands and watch some wildlife. And later we'll go
to Seattle by boat. It will be faster and more convenient, plus we can relax com
pletely and talk."
I looked at the huge vessel before us. Dollar signs and number flashed before my
eyes. I could only imagine how much it cost to charter something like this for
a Saturday during whale watching season.
"It wasn't that expensive, really" Jasper assured me, as though he could read my
mind. "And besides, I wasn't just doing this just for you. I wanted to go whale
watching, but I wasn't sure what the weather would be like and if it turned out
to be a sunny day it could be a problem for me. This way I can go inside any ti
me and no one is the wiser."
When he put it like that, it actually kind of made sense. And besides, I wasn't
supposed to complain. I sighed.
"All right, Jasper. I suppose you've already paid for it so it's too late now an
yway. Let's go and enjoy ourselves." We started walking towards the yacht. "I've
never been whale watching. Do you think we'll actually see anything?"
"Oh yes, miss, this time of year we'll see quite a bit," responded a man at the
plank leading to the yacht. "We have our three resident Orca pods to look for, a
s well as a transient pod that's passing through the area, and we might see some
Humpbacks, and Minke whales too. I've got scouts calling in locations where the
whales have been spotted, so we will definitely have some for you to see. There
are books in the salon if you'd like to study up on them before we get there."
"Captain Jones?" Jasper nodded at the man.
"In the flesh. You must be Jasper Hale. Nice to meet you." If he was surprised a
t Jasper's and my obvious youth, he didn't show it.
"Likewise. And this is Bella. Thank you for accommodating our schedule today. As
we discussed, for the most part we'd prefer to be alone today. Are there any pr
oblems with the arrangements?" The men shook hands and I noticed that Jasper had
a tip ready to pass discretely to the captain.
"Not at all. Everything is as you requested."
"Thank you."
"No problem. We aim to please. Welcome aboard."
We walked onto the yacht and into a beautifully appointed salon, complete with a
sitting and entertainment area, a dining area, and a corner kitchen. The kitche
n had a pass through bar which was covered with an amazing array of breakfast di
shes.
"Help yourselves to breakfast and make yourselves comfortable. In a minute we'll
be off and I will let you know via the intercom when we spot anything worth see
ing." The captain had followed us in and headed up a staircase hidden in the cor
ner of the room.
I turned to Jasper, my eyes still wide with wonder.
"You really are too much!" I said.
He shrugged. "I didn't have a lot of time to plan and I wanted this to be a one
of a kind day for you."
I turned around slowly in a full circle, taking in my surroundings again.
"This is definitely one of a kind." I said.
Jasper looked slightly nervous, sensing that I wasn't really comfortable. He cam
e closer to stand behind me and rubbed his right hand lightly against my upper a
rm.
"If this makes you unhappy, we could just go back to the car and keep driving to
Seattle. It's important to me that you have fun today."
I heard the anxiety in his voice, and suddenly felt like a complete ingrate. He
had put a lot of thought into this day and it wasn't fair for me to spoil it bec
ause of my financial hang-ups. I knew he could easily afford this trip –no one wou
ld have to give anything up in order for us to enjoy ourselves. Just for one day
I needed to accept the fact that money was no object and focus on him and the a
ctivities he had planned.
I turned and stepped into him, wrapping my arms around him and pressing my face
into his chest.
"I'm not unhappy, Jasper. Just a little overwhelmed. This is obviously the nices
t thing anyone has ever done for me. I'm just not used to being treated like thi
s, to doing things on such a grand scale. But I'll adjust. It might take me a li
ttle while, but I'll adjust eventually. Thank you for arranging all this."
He put his arms around me and kissed the top of my head. "I'm just trying to mak
e the day as special as you are. And this is only the beginning."

Chapter 24: Whale Song

"Are you hungry?" Jasper asked, stroking my back gently. "I had them prepare a b
reakfast buffet."
I looked up at him.
"You do know I'm just one person, right? I do not need buffets."
He looked a bit embarrassed.
"They asked me what to prepare, but I had no idea what you liked to eat for brea
kfast, so they actually suggested a buffet."
"I just bet they did," I grumbled, stepping out of the hug. "I don't even want t
o think how much more this set you back versus one order of scrambled eggs."
He shrugged. I knew the cost didn't bother him one bit.
"Is that what you like to eat for breakfast? Scrambled eggs?" He asked curiously
.
I sighed.
"I can eat anything," I said. "I'm not very picky." I shrugged out of my jacket
and tossed it to the sofa. Then I walked over to the buffet and checked out the
offerings. I had to admit the food looked and smelled great. The pop-tarts I inh
aled earlier had already been burned off in the excitement of the day. I grabbed
a plate and started filling it with eggs, sausage, hash browns, and fresh fruit
. I set my plate down to pour a glass of orange juice, then took my food and bev
erage over to the table. He sat down beside me.
"You know, Jasper," I said between bites, "I'm not criticizing or complaining, b
ut you don't have to try this hard. Not everything we do today has to be perfect
or my favorite. I like spending time with you, period. Everything else is nice,
but I wouldn't have minded if we had just stayed at your place and watched TV.
You're the important part, not all this," I waved a hand at the room.
"I know that, Bella," he said, "but it makes me happy to make you happy. Does th
at make sense? And I know you would have been happy at home watching TV, but I d
idn't want us to have a one-room relationship. I wanted to do these things with
you, but with my limitations it's not as easy. I can't necessarily mingle with t
he public like a human would. It's still challenging, at times, and the potentia
l threat of the sun just exacerbates the problem. I know you're uncomfortable wi
th the cost, but you know it's not an issue for me and my family. It's a very sm
all price to pay to be able to spend a day like this with you."
I inhaled sharply at his words, just as I was taking a bite. The food went down
my air passage, causing a coughing fit. I grabbed the orange juice, desperately
trying to wash the food down my esophagus. Jasper looked at me with alarm.
"Is everything all right? What can I do?" He stood up and moved closer to me. I
waved him off, taking another swallow of orange juice. He left and was back in a
flash with another filled glass.
"I'm OK," I said weakly between coughs. "Just swallowed wrong."
I felt his cool hand on my back moving in reassuring circles. I looked up at him
and smiled gratefully.
"Sorry to be such a drama queen."
He laughed. "You do have a flair, I'll give you that. Are you sure you're all ri
ght? Can I get you anything?"
"Nope. I just need to finish this and then maybe we can move to the sofa and loo
k at some of those whale books. I want to study a little so I know what to look
for."
I went back to eating. Jasper walked over to the stereo and reviewed the availab
le music selections. He smiled at one of the discs and promptly inserted it into
the CD player. The room was soon filled with calm but otherworldly sounds.
"Whale songs," he explained. "Did you know that the three pods of Orcas that res
ide permanently around the San Juan Islands each have their own unique dialect?
Scientists can tell the pods apart just by listening to the whales talk to each
other."
I shook my head, swallowing my last bite of breakfast.
"I really don't know anything about whales. That sounds really interesting. What
else?"
He sat down on the larger sofa and pulled over one of the books from the coffee
table. I walked to the kitchen and dropped off my dishes in the sink. I would ha
ve washed up, but I couldn't find anything to wash them with, so instead I just
went back to the sofa. I kicked off my shoes and sat down next to Jasper, foldin
g up my legs and tucking them underneath me to one side, so that I was leaning i
nto him.
It's only to get a better look at the book he's holding, I told myself. Right. W
ho was I trying to kid?
Jasper looked over at me, surprised but not displeased. He opened the illustrate
d book, then put his arm around me to rest on my shoulder, removing the final ba
rrier between us. I snuggled into his side. It felt good to be this close to him
, in a position that seemed fairly comfortable and non-threatening. I would do t
his with Jake, I reasoned, so it's just a friendly thing. No big deal.
We looked through the book, illustrated with different Orca whale behaviors. The
photographs in the book were stunning.
"I wonder if we'll get to see any of that today?" I said, pointing towards photo
s of whales performing cart wheels, back dives and tail slaps. "I mean, I would
just be happy to see their fins from a distance, you know. But to see something
like this," I pointed to a photo again, "that would be spectacular."
"It is spectacular, and I hope you will see some of this today. The whales from
the resident pods are quite happy and used to being observed. Sometimes it feels
like they enjoy performing for the tourists."
I couldn't imagine it. Whales in the wild performing the same tricks that people
paid to see at shows with trained animals in places like Sea World. I never lik
ed those shows, thinking that the poor animals should have just been left alone
instead of being forced to do things they didn't want to do day after day. It ne
ver occurred to me that in the wild they would be doing the same things, only wi
thout the motivation of free food at the end of each show.
"Folks, we're coming up on one of the resident Orca pods, so I'm going to slow d
own to comply with whale watching guidelines. We're going to pull up along the s
ide and move in parallel with the pod. They're clustering today and they look pr
etty frisky – you should get a good show on the starboard side." The voice of the
captain was coming in over an intercom mounted into the wall.
"There are binoculars in the cabinet below the bookcase next to the deck door. F
eel free to help yourself."
I looked up at Jasper, startled.
"Oh my gosh," I said excitedly, "whales! We're actually going to see whales!" I
scooted off the sofa, quickly pulling on my shoes and reaching for my jacket. Ja
sper set the book aside and got up as well. He walked to the bookcase and reache
d into the bottom cabinet to pull out a pair of binoculars, which he handed to m
e.
"What about your jacket?" I asked. I knew the cold wouldn't be a problem for him
, but it was drizzling lightly.
He reached for the hooded windbreaker he had brought with him and put it on.
"Let's go," he said, smiling, as he reached for my hand.
We walked out onto the deck and he pointed in the direction where the whales wer
e supposed to be. I strained to see, but my eyes didn't pick up anything other t
han the ocean.
"Use the binoculars," Jasper suggested.
I put then to my eyes and adjusted focus. Suddenly, I saw a giant tail fin come
out and slap the water before disappearing under again. I pulled away the binocu
lars and looked up at Jasper.
"Did you see that?" I asked, completely awestruck.
"Uh-huh. Keep watching."
I looked back through the binoculars and saw several dorsal fins sticking out of
the water. It was a whole pod, clustered together. Then one of the whales threw
itself halfway out of the water and dove. The others followed.
"They are very fast and can stay underwater for a long time," Jasper whispered,
although we were alone and the whales were too far to hear us. "Look for them to
emerge a good distance down." He took my shoulders and turned me in the right d
irection. "Keep watching," he said, and seconds later I saw the dorsal fins appe
ar over the water level. One of the whales threw his body out of the water, turn
ing about 180 degrees sideways, so that his belly was facing the sky, before div
ing under again.
"Jasper," I said in wonder. "This is amazing!"
"I know," he said, "and they're just beginning."
Our yacht was no longer moving, but the whales were on a course taking them clos
er to us.
"As long as we're not moving," Jasper said, "the whale watching rules say we can
stay here so the whales can get closer."
I put down the binoculars and watched the pod move closer to us, its members sla
pping their fins against the water, jumping up and diving, one even doing a back
flip. It looked like pure, unadulterated joy.
Jasper moved to stand behind me, his right hand resting on the railing to the ri
ght of me, his left rubbing my left shoulder. He leaned over so that his lips we
re even with my left ear and whispered "I always thought watching these guys was
as close to a spiritual experience as someone with no soul can get, but seeing
them with you here, seeing that look on your face, it's even better. I'm so glad
you agreed to share this with me."
It was a testament to the awesome nature of the whales that our close proximity
and the cool air that felt like a caress against my ear as Jasper whispered, did
not set my senses ablaze. This morning I was too awestruck to think about my ph
ysical attraction. I just wanted to focus on these amazing creatures and their a
bsolutely majestic, carefree exhibition.
"I'm so glad you thought of this. Are they like this all the time?" I asked, una
ble to take my eyes off the whales long enough to look at him.
"They're not always this active," he said, "but they are used to lots of people
watching and I think they almost know what's expected of them."
"But it's all natural, right? I mean, no one trains them or gives them treats fo
r tricks?"
"No. That's what's so amazing. They just lead this happy life here and they don'
t seem to mind that we want to watch."
The pod was moving away from us now, but we did not follow.
"The captain has to let other boats get closer now that we've had our show," Jas
per explained. "We're lucky we're not here in the afternoon along with all the o
ther tourist boats and don't have to wait our turn."
The pod was much further away now. I put the binoculars back to my eyes in time
to see some of the whales slapping their tail fins on the water, as if they were
waving goodbye.
I turned so that my back was against the railing and looked up at Jasper.
"This was the most amazing thing I have ever seen," I said earnestly. "I have no
words to describe this experience. And I never would have thought to do this my
self. Thank you!"
He looked down at me, not saying anything. He reached towards the railing with h
is left hand, effectively trapping me between him and the railing. Not that I wa
s complaining. I certainly didn't want to be anywhere but where I stood at that
exact moment. My mouth opened slightly as my breathing got heavier and, almost a
s if it were happening to someone else, I felt my tongue dart out to moisten my
lips. Jasper's eyes, focused completely on my face, darkened slightly. Bracing h
imself against the railing, he started leaning towards me, his face lowering tow
ards mine.
"We had a scout report that there are some Humpback whales in the area. Should w
e head in that direction?"
I was so caught up in the moment, so lost in Jasper's eyes, that for a second my
mind could not identify the disturbing sound. Then I realized that it was the c
aptain's voice.
Jasper stopped mid-movement and a flash of absolute fury passed across his face,
quickly masked by a blank expression. He muttered an expletive.
"That would be great, Captain," he said, without bothering to turn to look at th
e man who, I could now see, was standing on the narrower upper deck balcony.
I looked back at Jasper. Whatever forces have taken over us a few moments ago, w
e knew they were now gone. We were back to Jasper and Bella, a couple of friends
on a whale watching adventure. He stepped back away from me and the railing.
"It's cold and wet out here, Bella," he said. "Let's go inside and get you warm.
It sounds like we have a little time before we get to the next spot."
Until he said something I hadn't even noticed the chill and the drizzle. Now tha
t the adrenaline and excitement of my close encounters with whales and Jasper ha
d worn off, I shivered involuntarily. Without a word, I walked past Jasper into
the salon. He followed closely behind me. We took off our jackets and hung them
over the chairs in the dining area. I shivered again.
"I think I saw some hot tea and coffee on the buffet. Would you like me to get y
ou some?"
"Hot tea would be great."
Almost before I could blink Jasper was pressing a mug full of hot amber liquid i
nto my hand. I walked over to the sofa, sat down, and took a long sip of tea. Ja
sper was still standing by the table, looking out at the ocean through the large
windows. His posture betrayed a lot of tension and I wondered if he was thinkin
g about what nearly happened outside. For once, it hadn't been my doing. He had
been the one who very nearly kissed me. He had definitely wanted to do it. I saw
the desire in his eyes. And I had no doubt he would have done it had we not bee
n interrupted.
Was he berating himself for that near-slip now, hating himself for almost cheati
ng on Alice? Did he hate my being here, tempting him, doing nothing to stop him?
I looked glumly into my mug and took another long sip of tea.
I wished there was something I could do or say to make the situation easier for
him, but nothing came to mind. I felt a profound sense of disappointment in myse
lf, because despite all my attempts to lock away Selfish Bella, I desperately wa
nted that kiss and, at least in that moment, didn't care if Alice got hurt in th
e process. I wasn't thinking about anyone but myself. I was a monster.
The whale songs that had continued to play in the background came to an end and
an oppressive silence descended on us like a cloud. I knew that someone had to o
vercome this mood that threatened to destroy our entire time together.
"So do you come out to watch the whales often?" My voice was low, but I knew he'
d be able to hear me perfectly. He turned to face me, considered me for a moment
, then walked over and sat on the sofa next to me.
"About once a year," he said. "I'd come out more often if anyone wanted to come
with me, but my family . . . they're not too interested."
I look at him incredulously. How could anyone not find the whales fascinating?
"Have they ever seen them?"
"They all came with me one year. It was a disaster. Emmett just wanted to jump i
n the water and hunt. Edward and Carlisle found it peaceful, or so they said, bu
t they prefer books. Esme humored me, but I know she would have rather been gard
ening. Rosalie had no patience – I think she spent most of the trip in the bathroo
m looking in the mirror. And Alice brought a sketch book and designed a full lin
e of black-and-white outfits." He laughed at the last recollection. "At least sh
e was inspired, if not in the way I would have expected her to be. But after tha
t trip, well, I never asked anyone to come with me again and none of them compla
ined."
I was still staring, not knowing what to say. I reached over to take his hand.
"I guess this is yet another example of me bonding with a natural food source,"
he joked. "No wonder my family doesn't get it."
"I get it," I said quietly. "So if you are ever in the area again and want someo
ne to come with you, just ask me."
He looked down at my hand holding his, then over at me, and smiled.
"Thank you, Darlin'" He said. "I hope we'll get a chance to do this again some d
ay."
"Folks, you may want to head out on deck again. We're seeing a lot of birds whic
h means there may be a feeding ground ahead so we might see some seals or sea li
ons. And we're coming up on the area where the scout spotted the humpbacks." The
Captain's voice interrupted over the intercom again. The man had absolutely hor
rible timing.
We got up, put on our jackets, and headed back out to the deck. The captain had
been right. This area was teeming with wildlife. With Jasper around, I didn't ne
ed books or a guide. He pointed out the sea lions resting on rocks and hunting i
n the water, the birds of prey circling overhead and, when we finally spotted th
em, a pod of five Humpback whales.
"These guys are so majestic and interesting. They hunt cooperatively too. They s
pread out in a group and spiral under water towards the surface, creating a wall
of bubbles to round up a high concentration of prey. They're also pretty acroba
tic."
As if on cue, the whales started breaching – jumping high out of the water and sla
pping themselves in huge belly flops as they came down. Jasper and I both laughe
d. We watched the humpbacks for a while until they disappeared off in the distan
ce.
"Ready to head back to Seattle?" I heard the captain ask. At least this time he
wasn't interrupting anything.
"Yes, thanks," Jasper answered. "Great show today!"
"We got lucky," the captain agreed. "Finding the resident Orca pods isn't too di
fficult, but the Humpbacks were a treat."
We went back into the salon and took off our jackets again. I was giddy with exc
itement of what I had seen. Even though by necessity we were further away, this
was so much better than watching a nature show on TV. Witnessing these awesome c
reatures first hand was simply breathtaking.
"So what are we doing now?" I asked Jasper after we settled in on the sofa again
.
"Well, we have a little while before we're in the city, so I thought maybe we'd
work on your poetry project. And when we get to Seattle, we're going underground
."
I looked at him curiously. "Underground?"
"Yup, we're going to see the Seattle of the old days. Dusty and cramped and, at
least currently, underground."
"Huh," was all I could say.
"You'll enjoy it, trust me!" He said. And I did.
He got up to bring over my bag, which he had brought in from the car at the star
t of the trip, and took out a couple of Carlisle's books.
"Now, let's find you the perfect love poem."
Chapter 25: Underground
"So is there anything in particular you're looking for in this poem?" Jasper ask
ed. I thought about the question.
"I'd like something romantic, but not too gushy. Obviously nothing too long, com
plicated, or overt. Something that wouldn't be a problem for Mike."
"No words over 6 letters long, then?" he asked sarcastically. I rolled my eyes.
"Please, stop. Let's not do this again and spoil our day. Mike's not dumb and he
is my partner for this project, so you can either help me or not, but if you're
just going to make comments like that, then we're better off doing something el
se right now."
Jasper looked away for a moment, then turned back to me with an apologetic look.
"You're right, Bella. I'm sorry. That was inappropriate, and I definitely do not
want to spoil our day. Have you had a chance to look at the poems I suggested?"
I shook my head, and held out my hand for one of the books. I opened it to the f
irst bookmarked page and read the poem. It was definitely a love poem, fairly sh
ort and simple, but not even remotely romantic. I flipped to the next selection,
finding it very similar. I continued to read his suggestions, with the same emo
tional results. After reading the last marked poem I closed the book looked up t
o find him watching me carefully.
"What did you think?" he asked.
I didn't respond right away. I wanted to phrase my answer carefully, so as not t
o offend him. I couldn't quite reconcile in my mind the Jasper I had been gettin
g to know and the Jasper who selected these poems.
"I don't think any of these will work." I said. "They just don't seem right, lik
e there's something missing." As I was speaking, a certain suspicion grew in my
mind. "Jasper, are these really your favorite American love poems? Do you even l
ike these poems?"
He looked away again. "No, not really," he answered.
"Then why would you make these recommendations?"
He looked down at the floor and sighed.
"My favorite poems are reserved for . . . well, they wouldn't be appropriate to
use in a project you're doing with Newton. I thought these were safer. They woul
dn't give him any wrong ideas."
I considered this for a moment. It made perfect sense. The Jasper I'd been getti
ng to know would have preferred intricate, meaningful, romantic poems that undou
btedly would have given Mike wrong ideas. I understood where he was coming from.
"It's not that I don't appreciate what you tried to do, but my selection can't b
e all about what would and would not bother Mike. I'm going to have to explain m
y choice and I just don't think I could do it convincingly with any of these," I
said, as I held up the book, "so I guess it's back to the drawing board."
I opened the book again and started flipping through it page by page, reviewing
the other poems. I found several that had potential and marked them accordingly.
When I was done with the book, I glanced over at Jasper, who was looking at me
uncertainly.
"Shall we switch?" he asked, offering me the other poetry book. "I changed my re
commendations," he clarified.
"Sure," I said, swapping books. I was curious how his poem selections would chan
ge based on our earlier discussion. Right away, I could tell that he had listene
d. The poems he marked would have been the ones I chose had I started with this
book.
"These are all great, Jasper," I said enthusiastically. "Thanks. I should be all
set for tomorrow."
"I like your selections too," he said, "So which one will you use for the projec
t?"
"I'm not sure yet," I hedged. I didn't really want to tell him about my veto pow
er agreement with Mike. "I'll have to think about it some more. I'll make my fin
al pick tomorrow, after I've had a chance to sleep on it."
"You're not even going to give me a hint?" he sounded disappointed.
"All right," I relented, opening up the book with his choices. "I like this one:
She pressed her lips to mind.
—a typo
How many years I must have yearned
for someone's lips against mind.
Pheromones, newly born, were floating
between us. There was hardly any air.
She kissed me again, reaching that place
that sends messages to toes and fingertips,
then all the way to something like home.
Some music was playing on its own.
Nothing like a woman who knows
to kiss the right thing at the right time,
then kisses the things she's missed.
How had I ever settled for less?
I was thinking this is intelligence,
this is the wisest tongue
since the Oracle got into a Greek's ear,
speaking sense. It's the Good,
defining itself. I was out of my mind.
She was in. We married as soon as we could.
Jasper nodded. "I really like that one too. It's pretty amazing when love starts
out beyond the physical. And I understand the author completely – there is someth
ing incredible about a woman who reaches your mind."
"Not being interested in women, I wouldn't know," I laughed, "But I like that th
e author appreciated his wife's intelligence first and foremost." I continued to
flip through the book. "I like this one too:
love is a place
& through this place of
love move
(with brightness of peace)
all places
yes is a world
& in this world of
yes live
(skilfully curled)
all worlds
"Short and sweet, and yet so meaningful," Jasper said approvingly.
"Yes. And it's by E. E. Cummings. He's one of your favorites, isn't he?"
"I enjoy many of his poems," Jasper confirmed. "What else?"
"No," I said. "Two is enough. And that's enough homework for today," I added. "I
sn't today supposed to be all about fun?"
"Listening to you read poetry is fun for me," he said. "Come on, just one more."
"All right. Last one," I capitulated.
They came to tell your faults to me,
They named them over one by one;
I laughed aloud when they were done,
I knew them all so well before, —
Oh, they were blind, too blind to see
Your faults had made me love you more.
I didn't want to look at him when I finished reading. Would he guess that this p
articular poem reminded me of him and how the qualities that he and others saw a
s faults were precisely what drew me to him?
"That's the epitome of true love, isn't it?" he asked rhetorically. "To love som
eone because of their faults, not despite them. It's a lovely poem."
"Yes. It says a lot in just a few lines. Great imagery, too. I could easily see
the scene. And now we should really stop."
I took the book I was holding and placed it inside my bag. I reached for the oth
er book and did the same. Then I got up to look out the window.
"How much further do we have to go?"
"Not too much further. We're in Puget Sound already. Would you like to go out on
deck and check out the scenery?"
"Sure, that would be great."
I got up and stretched, my muscles a bit sore from sitting too long in the same
position. We grabbed our jackets and headed out onto the deck together. The sky
was still overcast, but it was no longer drizzling. We walked to the deck railin
g and looked out towards the shore.
"We got lucky with the weather," I said, realizing how ridiculous my statement w
ould seem to another human, "not a ray of sunshine in sight."
"Your smile is sunshine enough, Darlin'," he cocked his head to the side and smi
led.
"Why thank you, sir," I responded flirtatiously, flashing what I hoped was a dem
ure smile and batting my eyelashes dramatically.
"You're most welcome, Ma'am," he drawled. Then we both burst our laughing.
I glanced over at him, standing next to me yet seeming entirely too far away. I
took a step closer to him so that there was no space between our limbs. He looke
d down at me, his expression a bit surprised. He didn't seem to be getting the h
int, so I moved over a little more, bumping him with my hip. His brows furrowed
in confusion and his eyes asked a silent question. I sighed. It looked like I wa
s going to have to do all the work myself.
I lifted his right arm away from his body and moved under it, pressing myself to
his side while my left arm wrapped behind his waist. I snaked my right arm acro
ss his waist in front and clasped my hands over his left hip. I was still lookin
g up at him and watched as understanding dawned and he pulled me towards him wit
h his right arm, which he rested above my right hip. I place my head on his ches
t, my face angled towards the shore so I could continue looking out.
"Thanks for today, Jasper. It's been fantastic."
"You're welcome," he said. "And yes, it has. Really fantastic. I hope the rest o
f the day continues to meet your expectations."
"Will you be with me?"
"Of course!"
"Then I'll love every minute."
I flushed when I realized I had said the word 'love' out loud, but he didn't see
m to notice.
We stood together for quite a while, watching the shore as the yacht made its wa
y to Seattle, and I was totally content. I almost resented the city skyline whic
h loomed larger and larger ahead of us. I was sure Jasper had made fabulous plan
s, but a big part of me would have preferred just being as close to him all day
as we were now. Once we reached the city I feared the mood would shift and this
easy intimacy would be gone.
As if to reinforce my building resentment, Jasper lowered his head and whispered
, "I'll be right back, Darlin'. I just need to confirm some arrangements with th
e Captain."
Reluctantly, I unlaced my fingers to let him go. He walked back inside, but I de
cided to stay on deck, leaning forward with my forearms against the railing. I w
ondered what else Jasper had planned for the rest of the day and smiled. Whateve
r it was, it certainly wasn't going to be subtle. I wasn't the only one with a f
lair for the dramatic.
The yacht was just entering Bell Harbor Marina when I felt two strong arms wrap
around my waist.
"Are you ready for phase 2 of operations Seattle Storm?" he whispered dramatical
ly in my ear.
I giggled and leaned back against him. Even if we weren't literally attached at
the hip, a day with Jasper would still be really great. Plus, the excitement in
his voice was catching.
"Absolutely!"
We waited until the captain finished docking. Then, holding my hand, Jasper led
me to the marina parking lot, right up to a waiting limousine. I gasped, realizi
ng that we were going to be chauffeured around the city, but I didn't say anythi
ng, determined to keep my side of the "no complaints" bargain.
"Mr. Hale?" the driver confirmed Jasper's identity as he held the back door open
for us. Jasper nodded in confirmation.
"Jasper," he said, "And this is Bella."
The driver nodded. "I'm John," he said. "Anything you need, just let me know."
Jasper helped me into the card and got in behind me. I looked around the inside
of the limo, outfitted with an extensive entertainment center and a mini bar. I
had never seen a limousine outside of TV and movies. It was impressive.
"Too much, Jasper," I said, shaking my head. "Way over the top."
He raised one eyebrow.
"Surely you're not complaining?"
I gave him an extensive eye roll.
"Nope, that would be going back on our deal," I said. "I'm just making a comment
."
John was behind the wheel now, awaiting instructions.
"Pioneer Square, please," Jasper directed, "Doc Maynard's Public House."
Turning to me, he explained. "Public transportation wouldn't really work with ou
r time tables, driving would have required renting a car and messing around with
parking, which is not exactly inexpensive, and by the time we paid for all the
cab fares it wouldn't have saved any money over this. So you see, a limousine re
ally was the most practical solution."
I looked at him skeptically. His explanation was reasonable; a little too reason
able. I had a feeling the devil was in the details. Still, I reminded myself yet
again, for him money was no object and he was just trying to be nice. It was mu
ch better to just ignore the whole thing and enjoy the rest of the day.
Driving down towards Pioneer Square I had my nose pressed up against the window
like a kid at a candy display, taking in the architecture of downtown Seattle. A
s close as the city was to Forks, I really hadn't been here much, so the excitem
ent of the city hadn't worn off. I never looked back to confirm it, but I was su
re the entire ride down Jasper had watched me with a smile pasted on his face, k
nowing I was thoroughly enjoying this part of the day.
The limo dropped us off in front of Doc Maynard's bar in the center of Seattle's
quaint historic district. Jasper took John's cell phone number to let him know
when and where to pick us up later. Inside the bar several people had already ga
thered, eagerly awaiting the start of the tour. Jasper and I found a couple seat
in an out-of-the way spot.
"What, no private tour? I'm shocked," I teased him.
He gave me a semi-guilty look.
"It crossed my mind," he admitted, "But I figured I was already pushing my luck
and your endurance with all the other stuff I planned."
"I'm glad to see you have some common sense left," I said lightly.
"I'm not sure I do," he said dourly. "This tour is not going to be easy. Lots of
humans in tight, cramped spaces. It will definitely be a test of my self contro
l."
I felt a prickle of concern.
"I didn't even think of that," I said, ashamed that I had completely failed to c
onsider his potential discomfort. "We don't have to do this."
He grinned at me mischievously.
"I'm just kidding, Bella. I'll be fine. This is one of the top tourist attractio
ns in Seattle so we definitely do have to do this. And I've been down in the und
erground before. It's not too bad. With your help I should be perfectly all righ
t."
"What can I do to help?" I asked, somewhat confused.
"Remember the way you helped me Thursday in the kitchen? I was thinking if someo
ne started smelling too appealing on the tour I could just, you know, replace th
eir scent with yours for a while."
I shivered remembering the moment in his kitchen. Was it only 2 days ago? The se
nsation of having Jasper inhaling my scent was exciting enough in the bright lig
ht of day. I couldn't imagine what it would be like in a dark, more confined spa
ce. And what the heck was I going to hold onto this time? I didn't think the und
erground had any conveniently located kitchen counters.
"Um, let's hope that won't be necessary," I said, squirming in my seat. He consi
dered me carefully, obviously sensing my trepidation and discomfort. He grabbed
my hand and gave it a light squeeze.
"It'll be fine, Darlin', I promise. Don't you know? Whenever you're near me, I d
on't notice anyone else."
My breath caught and I looked at him sharply. Another shiver went thought me. He
had to know how what he just said could be misinterpreted. He had to sense the
attraction I felt for him, which seeped out no matter how much I tried to block
it. I looked deep into his eyes for some reasonable explanation but, though his
gaze didn't waiver, it also didn't provide any relief. For the first time since
we discussed this topic a few nights ago, I acknowledge the possibility that may
be, just maybe, the attraction I felt was not entirely one-sided.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Bill Speidel's Underground Tour," the voice of
the tour guide interrupted my thoughts. I looked to the bar, where the guide wa
s launching into his introductory speech. I felt Jasper squeeze my hand again an
d then release it, as we both turned to listen.
The tour was fabulous! Our guide was personable and funny and relayed the histor
y of Seattle in such an engaging manner we were almost transported back in time.
We learned that Seattle grew around the logging industry, that it was at first
built on a landfill and that in the beginning it experienced many problems cause
d by tidal flooding. The guide told us about the fire of 1889 which destroyed mo
st of the wooden buildings in the city, and about the plan to rebuild everything
in brick and stone and to re-grade the city about 12 feet higher to avoid futur
e flooding. I could hardly believe when he explained that people were so eager t
o re-built that rather than waiting for the re-grading process to be completed t
hey simply designed the new buildings to have two entrances, one at the old leve
l and one on the second floor, when that floor would become the new street level
.
The guide's description of the rebuilt Seattle, with stone and brick buildings l
ining the streets which actually criss-crossed the city 12 or more feet above th
e sidewalks like the great wall of china, and the people's need to scale ladders
each time they wanted to cross from one side of the street to the other, was vi
vid in my mind. I was sure that had I lived in the Seattle of the day, with my a
bsolute lack of coordination, I would have never left my city block.
Our group headed down into the underground, and we learned about how eventually
the lower sidewalks were covered up, with glass blocks used in parts of the side
walk to provide natural light to the lower level. The lower level of Seattle con
tinued to be used for a while, but was eventually closed down in 1907 due to hea
lth concerns.
We walked through portions of the old sidewalks, viewing some of the former comm
ercial establishments and the relics used in these strange spaces. I found it ab
solutely amazing that it wasn't until 1965 when someone finally got the idea to
open up some of these underground spaces and bring people in for tours. The whol
e concept of the underground was absolutely fascinating to me, and I wondered th
at I had never known about it before.
Throughout the tour Jasper and I stayed towards the back of the group. With his
perfect hearing, Jasper did not need to be in the front, and in the back we coul
d be a little further away from the other people, giving Jasper more breathing r
oom. At each stop on the tour, Jasper positioned himself closely behind me, with
his arms wrapped around me as he whispered the guide's words directly in my ear
to make sure I didn't miss anything. Unlike this morning, when I had been distr
acted by the whales, his cool breath now provoked all the reactions of a caress.
The sweet torture intensified even more when the guide would stop talking and I
could feel Jasper inhaling my scent, just as sensually as he had the last time.
It took every ounce of self control I had, but somehow I managed to maintain my
composure, keep breathing, and stay on my feet.
At the end of the tour as we emerged from the underground into a museum-like roo
m, I spotted a sign for the restroom. I explained to Jasper that I needed a huma
n moment and left him to examine old Seattle photographs and documents. In the r
estroom I went through my regular cold water routine and managed to calm myself
down a little. I berated myself for not anticipating this problem and hoped that
whatever we were doing for the rest of the day would give us a little more spac
e apart. My self control was frayed, hanging by a few meager threads which could
snap at any moment, and that was simply not something I could allow.
I looked at myself in the mirror. I was slightly flushed, but overall the turmoi
l I felt inside was not visible to the outside world. Of course, it would be cle
arly visible to Jasper. My flush deepened. I knew I couldn't hide in the bathroo
m forever. Jasper would be concerned, especially given our last experience toget
her at a public restroom facility. I allowed myself another splash of cool water
and went back out.
A photograph hung on the wall caught my attention and I stepped in to take a clo
ser look at the Victorian scene.
"Hard to imagine all of these have been here for over a century, isn't it?" I he
ard someone say and turned to see a stranger standing beside me. I appraised him
curiously, noting his average height, brown hair, warm brown eyes and friendly,
easygoing smile.
"Yeah," I said, "It's pretty mind-boggling."
"Do you live in Seattle?"
"No, just in for the day."
"My family and I are visiting my aunt and uncle. They all went to the aquarium t
oday, but I'm not much of a fish lover, so I decided to do this. Looks like I ma
de the right call."
I blushed. Was this guy trying to pick me up?
"I'm Caleb," he said, extending his right hand.
"Bella," I replied, flustered, shaking his hand.
"Nice to meet you, Bella. Are you doing anything right now? Would you like to ha
ve a cup of coffee?"
He was still holding on to my hand, his thumb moving gently over mine.
"Um. . ." I was flustered. This was so unexpected. I've never had to deal with t
his situation before. I had no idea how to refuse the advances of a handsome str
anger. "No, thanks. I'm kind of with someone." I tried to withdraw my hand, but
he held it strong in his grip.
"Kind of?" he raised his eyebrow. "How about you kind of ditch them and have tha
t coffee with me?"
I was starting to feel very uncomfortable. This guy was not taking the hint. I t
ried to pull my hand away again.
"No, thank you. I need to get back to my . . . boyfriend." I hesitated at the la
st word, knowing that it was a lie, but needing to convince this stranger that I
meant what I said. It didn't work. His eyebrow rose further. I was really start
ing to get nervous.
"If you'd like to keep that hand attached to your wrist I suggest you listen to
the lady and walk away. Now." Jasper's voice beside us was low and menacing, sta
rtling us both. We turned to look at Jasper. Caleb, noting the barely contained
fury on Jasper's face, released my hand as though I had just burned him. He held
both of his hands up in a defensive gesture as he started to back away.
"Hey, there's no problem here. I didn't mean any offense. She's with you, man, I
get it."
Jasper stopped paying attention to him, turning to me and enveloping me in his a
rms.
"Are you all right?" he asked quietly. I nodded, relieved and calmer now that I
was with him again.
"He was pretty harmless, I think." I said, "He just didn't know how to take no f
or an answer. Sorry I had to call you my boyfriend."
"I'm sorry I didn't get here quicker. I came as soon as I felt your distress. I
shouldn't have been so far away – it's too hard to weave through this crowd." We b
oth knew if he had needed to he could have been beside me instantly, but that wo
uld have exposed his true nature to all the people in the room, which had to be
avoided at all costs. Fortunately, the Caleb situation did not require any extra
ordinary measures.
"It's okay, Jasper. You made him go away, that's all that matters. No harm done.
Let's just get out of here, okay?"
"Sure, Darlin'. The car's waiting outside."
Chapter 26: Space Needle
Back in the car I was still preoccupied with Caleb. My first reaction to him had
been neutral, even somewhat positive. I liked the friendliness I saw in his eye
s. And he hadn't done anything wrong, not really. Holding my hand a bit too long
, extending the coffee invitation beyond the first rejection when it was so obvi
ous that the rejection was less than honest, none of these things made him a bad
guy. If I had met him at another time, I probably would have accepted his offer
. So why did I feel so apprehensive about the whole encounter? I knew the answer
was Jasper, and the thought really bothered me. It wasn't that I didn't want to
accept Caleb's invitation because I was with Jasper today. It was more that I w
asn't interested in the invitation because I wanted to be with Jasper every day.
I wanted the lie that Jasper was my boyfriend not to be a lie.
I was so messed up! Fantasizing about someone I could never have. I had to, abso
lutely had to get some measure of self-control and perspective. I could have Jas
per as a friend, that's it. No point in allowing myself to hope or even think ab
out anything else.
"Are you sure you're all right, Bella?" Jasper asked, his voice full of concern.
I looked at him and his worried expression. I had to pull myself together, for h
is sake. He deserved to have a fun day. I had to put all this nonsense out of my
mind, at least for now, while I was with him.
"I'm good. Guess I'm just not used to that kind of attention."
"I don't know why not. And I don't know why I didn't keep a closer watch on you
in there. I knew what practically every guy in there was feeling when they looke
d at you. I should have guessed one of them was going to make a move."
"Jasper!" I gasped. I couldn't believe the things he was implying.
"Bella," he ran his hand through his hair in exasperation, "I wish you could see
yourself as others see you."
I rolled my eyes and tried to turn away, but he captured my face with his hands
and looked deeply into my eyes.
"You're so beautiful, Darlin', all the more so because you don't realize it. Whe
n you walk down the street practically all men notice you, regardless of their a
ge or if they are or are not attached. They don't all lust after you, but enough
of them do to drive me crazy. I'm so glad you can't feel it, because if you did
 I swear you'd never leave your house."
My eyes widened and my mind tried to wrap itself around what he was saying. He t
hought I was beautiful? No, other men thought I was beautiful and it was their f
eelings that were driving Jasper crazy. Okay. That was a little disappointing, b
ut good reinforcement for the self control.
"I should have known that I needed to stay closer to you today. From now on I'm
not letting you out of my sight. Nothing like this will happen again."
I sighed and removed his hands from my face.
"Jasper, thanks for stepping in with Caleb and thank you for not overreacting in
there. Edward would have . . . well, he may not have been as controlled."
"He was always a drama king," Jasper muttered.
"I guess that's the one thing we had in common," I laughed. "Anyway, thank you f
or all that, but I think maybe you're overreacting a bit right now. It was just
an isolated incident. Don't blow it out of proportion, okay? It's not like I was
in any danger."
"But you were uncomfortable. I felt it."
"Well, yes, sure. It wasn't the most comfortable situation. But life is all abou
t dealing with uncomfortable situations. Like being around humans is for you. I
don't want to be monitored and protected any more than you do."
He looked crushed as he finally understood my point. He covered his face with hi
s broad hand and exhaled deeply.
"You're right. I'm behaving like an idiot."
I touched his cheek.
"No. I didn't say or mean that. It's probably that "need for protection" vibe I
send out that you spoke about before. I guess I make it difficult for people not
to hover, especially my friends. So just keep that in mind, okay?
He nodded. "I'm . . ."
I placed a finger over his lips.
"Enough said on this subject," I smiled. "So what are we doing next?"
We were driving through the downtown area again, back towards the marina. I hope
d our day in Seattle wasn't over, but I had been too lost in my own thoughts whe
n we got into the card to pay attention to Jasper's instructions.
"Are you hungry?"
The question caught me by surprise. I had been so caught up in all our activitie
s I hadn't even thought about eating. Between the pop-tarts and the breakfast on
the yacht, I couldn't say that I was starving, but I acknowledged that some nou
rishment would be in order. I got grumpy when my blood sugar level got low and I
didn't want to be grumpy with Jasper.
"A little?" I answered honestly.
"Good, because next we'll get you something to eat and see the best view of the
city."
The car pulled to a stop at a curb.
"Let's go," Jasper said, "We'll call you when we're ready to go, John."
We exited the car and I looked around, then up. We were at the base of the Space
Needle. From here it looked so impossibly tall, like an alien spaceship on stil
ts.
"Have you ever been at the top?" Jasper asked
I shook my head. He smiled.
"Good. I'd hoped this wouldn't be a boring repeat experience for you. Come on!"
He pulled me along, as excited as a little boy. I followed, somewhat reluctantly
, looking at the top of the structure. I didn't have a fear of heights, really,
I didn't, but this just didn't look secure enough. It looked like the building c
ould collapse at any moment. I bit my lower lip in frustration. I could feel how
important this was to Jasper, but I couldn't completely suppress my anxiety. He
must have felt it too, because he slowed and looked back at me.
"You don't want to go?"
He couldn't quite hide his disappointment.
"Um . . ." I was playing for time. I didn't want to confirm his suspicions, yet
I also could not deny them. "It's so high."
With one step he was standing directly in front of me. Our bodies were nearly to
uching. He reached for my other hand, holding both of them down by our sides. I
threw my head back to look up at him – his head was lowered to look down at me. Ou
r eyes met and locked together.
"Do you trust me?" he asked.
I nodded, my head moving only slightly so that I could continue to watch him.
"Then, you know I would never let anything happen to you."
I nodded again.
"So, there's nothing to be afraid of, is there?"
I shook my head.
"And, you'll come to the top with me?"
Once again, I nodded. I was completely mesmerized by his eyes. At this moment I
would gladly follow him through the gates of hell, confident that he would be ab
le to keep me safe there, as well.
"It'll be fine, Bella. Nothing bad will happen. You'll like it, I promise," he r
eassured me, though it was no longer necessary. "Okay?"
One more nod. I still couldn't find my voice.
"Cat got your tongue?" he teased.
"Maybe," I shook my head to clear it. "I didn't realize you could be quite so pe
rsuasive."
He laughed. "One of my many talents. Now, if you really don't want to go up ther
e, we can skip it. But I guarantee it's completely safe."
I shrugged. He had me convinced.
"Lead on," I said.
He led me to an elevator that whisked us to the top of the structure. When the d
oor opened, however, I didn't see the observation deck I expected. Instead, we s
tepped out into what looked like a lobby of a restaurant. I looked at Jasper wit
h questioning eyes.
"You need to eat, remember?"
In truth, I had forgotten. But when we spoke of eating earlier I was envisioning
something like a hot dog or some chips, not an obviously upscale restaurant whi
ch, at least form our vantage point, appeared to be completely empty.
A man stepped into the lobby and I assumed he would inform us that we were at th
e wrong place, but instead he greeted Jasper as "Mr. Hale" and led us to a table
, seating us directly next to the windows.
"Um, Jasper?"
"Yes, Darlin'?"
"We're moving!"
He laughed.
"Yes, this is a revolving restaurant. We're slowly spinning around the axis of t
he Needle. This way you can get the whole panoramic view while you eat."
I considered this for a second. Not only were we at the top of this extremely ta
ll, precarious building, but we were also spinning around its axis? Some of my a
nxiety returned.
"Truly, Bella, it's perfectly safe. The restaurant has been here since 1962 with
no mishaps."
I swallowed hard and looked around. Except for the man who showed us to our tabl
e, we were, in fact, the only people in the restaurant.
"Why is there no one else here?"
"On weekends the restaurant closes between brunch and dinner service. But knowin
g the timing of our day, I made some calls and they agreed to make an exception
for us."
I raised an eyebrow. I had a pretty good idea of what Jasper had done to persuad
e the restaurant to make an exception for us. He had certainly known what he was
doing when he got me to agree not to complain. But a deal was a deal, so I sigh
ed and resolved to enjoy myself as much as I possibly could. I looked at the men
u that had been placed on the table for us and made my selections just in time t
o relay them to the waiter, who arrived to take the order.
"This is really different," I said. "I never even knew a place like this existed
. The view is amazing."
I glanced out at Seattle below us. The sky was still overcast, but without the d
rizzle we could see the whole city clearly.
"I know you think it's too much," he acknowledged, "but I just wanted to do some
thing unique. And after that whole Caleb fiasco, I can't say I'm sorry that we'r
e in this restaurant alone."
I had to give him that. There was no possibility that any stranger would bother
me here.
"I didn't realize how anxious you would be about being up here, though. You're o
kay now, right?"
I nodded, hesitantly. I was okay, for the most part.
"Maybe you could distract me," I offered.
"What would you like me to do?"
The waiter arrived with my iced tea and the Crab and Shrimp Louis salad I'd orde
red. I ate some salad and drank some tea before I continued.
"If I promise not to use it for the project, will you tell me one of your favori
te poems?"
Jasper's expression was inscrutable as he considered my request. He hesitated, b
ut just as I became certain that he was going to refuse, he started speaking:
"There are many things in the world and you
Are one of them. Many things keep happening and
You are one of them, and the happening that
Is you keeps falling like snow
On the landscape of not-you, hiding hideousness, until
The streets and the world of wrath are choked with snow.
How many things have become silent? Traffic
Is throttled. The mayor
Has been, clearly, remiss and the city
Was totally unprepared for such a crisis. Nor
Was I- yes, why should this happen to me?
I have always been a law abiding citizen.
But you, like snow, like love, keep falling,
And it is not certain that the world will not be
Covered in a glitter of crystalline whiteness.
Silence."
I stared at him, transfixed. The images painted by the author were amazingly bea
utiful, but the overwhelming love described was complex and not necessarily welc
ome. The poem represented the struggle of someone who thought he had been on the
right path being diverted by the overwhelming force of love, still unsure wheth
er this new course was a preferable one.
I wondered why Jasper would have chosen this as one of his favorite poems, but t
he answers that crowded my mind were impossible and hopeless. It was a perfect p
oem to send a message, but the message could not have been one he intended. No p
oint in allowing myself to foolishly dream, only to be crushed by reality.
"I seem to have rendered you speechless," Jasper commented, watching me carefull
y.
I laughed nervously, realizing that I had made a mistake by failing to respond.
"Yeah, I guess. I was just thinking that there is a lot going on in that poem be
neath the surface."
"Yes, there is," he agreed. Neither one of us seemed inclined to say anything el
se. I returned to my salad.
"How long has that poem been one of your favorites," I asked tentatively after a
few silent bites, wanting to know the answer yet afraid to find out what it was
.
"It's a fairly recent favorite, actually," he said, not quite meeting my eyes.
"It's beautiful."
"It is."
I returned to eating my salad and watched the view change as the restaurant cont
inued its rotation. As I ate, I thought about the situation with Jasper. I was p
laying a dangerous game, one that I knew I couldn't win. All the time I was spen
ding with him, all the intimate conversations, all the touching and close calls,
all the things he said that I tried to misinterpret, all of them would come bac
k to haunt me very soon. Jasper would leave, it was inevitable, and when he left
I would be broken. And there would be no one to help me pick up the pieces and
no one to be angry with but myself. It was hard enough getting over Edward. It w
ould be impossible to survive losing Jasper if I continued down this path. Wheth
er I wanted to or not, I had to be honest with him, had to tell him how I felt s
o that maybe he could help me get over these foolish fantasies, as he had once p
romised he would.
"Jasper?" I asked timidly.
"What is it, Bella?" he sounded concerned.
"I think we need to talk."
He didn't seem surprised.
"I agree. In fact, I was planning on it. But I was hoping to leave it until late
r tonight, when we're on our way home."
"Oh," I said. So he had noticed all my crazy emotions and knew I had a problem.
I didn't know whether to be upset or relieved. "On the way home sounds good." No
sense spoiling the rest of our day with an upsetting discussion. There would be
plenty of time for that later.
I must have looked pretty freaked out, because he leaned over the table and plac
ed his hand over mine.
"It'll be all right, Bella," he said reassuringly. "We're good at talking things
out."
He was right about that. The best thing about our relationship was that, for the
most part, we could talk about anything. It would be a little harder for me to
talk about this with him in person, instead of on the phone, but I knew I could
count on him to help me through it.
The waiter came back to collect the dishes and to ask if I wanted coffee or dess
ert. I declined both. Jasper thanked him and discretely slipped him some bills t
hat, presumably, were sufficient to cover the check and tip. We got up and heade
d out of the restaurant. I tried walking back to the same elevator we came up in
, but Jasper steered me towards another door.
"Since we're this far up already, we might as well head up to the observation de
ck," he explained.
The observation deck was everything I imagined. At first, I insisted that we sta
y in the indoors portion, exploring the information and trivia provided on the S
kyQ kiosks. Eventually, though, Jasper convinced me to come out to the open air
outer level. With him by my side, eventually my anxiety disappeared completely a
nd I really started to enjoy the experience.
We walked around the whole perimeter, looking down at the city and pointing out
Seattle landmarks to each other using the provided graphics and marveling at the
beauty of all the visible mountain ranges. I looked through the powerful telesc
ope trying to find our yacht in the marina, only to have to have Jasper point it
out after he spotted it with his perfect eyesight. When I mentioned that I wish
ed I had a camera so we could get our picture taken together, Jasper produced hi
s mobile phone and an obliging tourist snapped our photo. It was difficult to se
e details on the small phone screen, but I loved the way the two of us looked st
anding closely together, laughing. Just before we decided to head back down, I t
urned to Jasper and, all cautionary thoughts from the restaurant forgotten, wrap
ped my arms around him in a spontaneous hug.
"Thank you so much for convincing me to do this," I said, my smiling face upturn
ed at him. "I can't believe I almost missed all this because of some stupid phob
ia."
He smiled back at me broadly and lowered his head so that our foreheads were tou
ching. "You don't know how happy it makes me to see you enjoying this," he murmu
red. "It was worth all the work it took to get you up here just to see the smile
on your face right now. It's the most breathtaking sight I've seen all day."
Chapter 27: Sketch
"You have a pretty breathtaking smile yourself, Major Whitlock," I teased. "I'm
pretty sure more than one woman out here is giving me the evil eye right now."
"I wouldn't know," he said. "Are there other women out here?"
I stepped away from him and swatted him on the shoulder playfully.
"Quit being such a flirt."
He raised an eyebrow, still smiling. "Quit acting like you don't like it."
I blushed. Darn him and his abilities. It's not like I could argue, at least not
convincingly. It was time to change the topic of conversation.
"So are we going to stay up here for the rest of the day, or do you have somethi
ng else planned?"
"I thought we'd check out the aquarium. I think you'd really like the tidal pool
exhibit."
Ordinarily I would have loved going to the aquarium, since I really like tidal p
ools. I remembered the hike I went on in the spring at First Beach to see the na
tural tidal pools. That little hike had resulted in mild injuries, so it was pro
bably a lot safer for me to go to the aquarium. However, I also remembered Caleb
mentioning that his family had gone to the aquarium, and I really did not want
to see him again if he decided to join them after all. Jasper sensed my hesitati
on.
"Or we could do something else," he added.
"Would you mind terribly?" I asked. "I'd love to go there with you another time,
just not today."
He gave me a puzzled look, but didn't push me for an explanation. Instead, his b
row furrowed a little. I had no doubt he was rearranging the rest of our afterno
on plans. I watched as his face changed from concentration to a wide smile.
"I know exactly what we'll do instead, but don't ask, it's a surprise."
I rolled my eyes. "Of course it is. The whole day has been one surprise after an
other. Why should this be any different?"
"Just go with it, Bella."
"Jasper, you know I will. Like I told you Thursday, today I'm all yours to do wi
th as you please." Oh, wait. Did I really just say that? That came out totally w
rong!
Jasper turned away sliding open his cell phone, but not before I saw the stunned
expression on his face. Great! Now he thinks I'm throwing myself at him. Terrif
ic! Just terrific! I could feel a fierce blush spreading on my face.
"John," I heard him say, "We'll be down in a few minutes. Please pick us up wher
e you dropped us off."
When he turned back to me his face was composed, no sign of the earlier reaction
. He gave no indication that he wanted to address my last statement and that was
fine by me.
"Ready to go?" he asked. I simply nodded, my face still burning.
Ordinarily, at this point we would have reached for each other's hands, but neit
her of us did so now. My one single, stupid misstatement created a tension betwe
en us where there was none before. We waited for the elevator without speaking.
No one else joined the line, so when the elevator arrived it was just the two of
us stepping in for the ride down. I could feel the awkward energy crackling bet
ween us as we turned to face the door. I angled my face slightly to look at him
out of the corner of my eye and caught him doing the same thing. We both looked
away immediately.
I was tingling all over. I saw him shift slightly, almost as if he were uncomfor
table, which, as far as I knew, was nearly impossible for a vampire. Unconscious
ly, I mirrored his action, shifting away from him slightly as well. The small mo
vement did nothing to alleviate the new burning sensation that was spreading thr
oughout my body. I watched the door of the elevator anxiously, willing it with m
y mind to open and let us out of this highly charged, moving cell. A few more se
conds of this and I wouldn't be responsible for my actions.
Without even looking at him I knew he felt the same way. Moments later I felt hi
m turning towards me and reaching for my hand. He grabbed my hand and pulled me,
only hard enough to bring me within the circle of his arms. He looked down at m
e, his golden eyes a shade darker than before.
"Darlin'," he said, his voice deep and tender.
"Jasper," I whispered. His head dipped again, just like this morning out on the
deck. My lips parted slightly in anticipation. I could feel his cool breath on m
y face, his spicy scent increasing my level of excitement. I started to close my
eyes.
And then the elevator door slid open. Startled, Japer changed the course of his
head almost imperceptibly, so that instead of his lips coming into contact with
mine, his nose brushed against mine and came to rest against my cheek. He let ou
t an exasperated sigh and we both turned to face the elevator attendant before s
tepping out.
Outside the breeze felt good against my skin as we walked to the car. I was extr
emely agitated and needed something to help me cool off before Jasper and I foun
d ourselves in yet another closely confined space. I didn't know what to make of
what was happening today. Could my attraction for Jasper really have such an ef
fect on him that it would cause him to act impulsively and disregard his commitm
ent to Alice? That was the only explanation I could come up with, and yet it did
n't make any sense. If Jasper could effectively control his bloodlust, why not t
he other type of lust as well.
Then it dawned on me. Maybe the control over his bloodlust was taking up all of
his energy so that there was nothing left to control other urges, especially if
they were forced upon him by someone who spent a lot of her time in close proxim
ity with him.
I was horrified. It was bad enough that I could not control my feelings and that
Jasper cold sense them. Now they could possibly be impacting him and causing hi
m to act out of character? Causing him to lose control? This was intolerable! An
d just a couple of days ago I had effectively stripped him of the only defense h
e had available, stopping him from calming down my emotions when they became too
much for him. No wonder he needed to talk to me later. Clearly we could not con
tinue on the path we were now. Either I would have to let him use his ability on
me or we would have to stop seeing each other until I managed to get my own fee
lings under control.
I hesitated when we reached the car, reluctant to enter the closed-in space wher
e my emotions had the potential to impact Jasper so severely. I wondered how to
maximize the distance between us in the vehicle without making my efforts too ob
vious. I started to get in, but Jasper placed a hand on my upper arm to stop me.
"Can we . . ." he hesitated, "Can we talk for a minute, Bella?"
My stomach knotted up, but I nodded and turned back to him. We walked away from
the car, out of John's earshot.
"What happened back there," he moved his head in the direction of the Space Need
le, "that shouldn't have happened. I can't explain – there was just this moment an
d something in the air and . . . I'm sorry."
Wait! Why was he apologizing to me? How was I supposed to respond? Fortunately,
I didn't have to think about that too hard, as he continued without pause.
"I'd hate for that . . . for that lapse in judgment to ruin the rest of our time
together today. Do you agree?"
I nodded. Of course I agreed. I would have given anything to go back in time and
erase the last fifteen minutes.
"So maybe we can just," he expelled a burst of air through his nose and inhaled
again deeply, "just forget it happened? Just ignore the people on the elevator a
nd focus on these two?" he slid open his phone and held it so that we could both
see the photo taken of us such a short time ago.
I stared at the screen and focused on our smiling faces. I really wanted to go b
ack in time.
"Yes," I said. "I'd like that. But how?"
He looked at me, scrutinizing my face carefully, then opened up his arms in an i
nviting fashion. I hesitated. Was this a smart thing to do? What if I started ha
ving more inappropriate thoughts?
The look of disappointment on his face upon seeing my delay convinced me that I
had to try. I stepped closer to him and wrapped my arms around his waist as his
arms encircled me. It felt nice. Not inappropriate. Just nice, comfortable, and
homey. I rested my cheek against his chest and sighed. I felt a most remarkable
sense of comfort and belonging.
And then, without any warning, I felt his fingers on both sides above my hips st
art to move, and the comfortable feeling evaporated as I was forced to laugh. He
was tickling me! I gasped.
"Jasper, stop!" I pleaded through my laughter. I looked up to see him smiling do
wn on me mischievously.
"Ask me politely," he was laughing as well.
"Please, stop," I begged. "You're killing me," I was laughing so hard tears were
beginning to well up in my eyes.
He let me go, then, and I jumped away heading for the safety of the car, but he
caught me from behind, which only gave him better access to the sensitive skin o
f my abdomen. His fingers skimmed across my shirt with the lightest touch, sendi
ng me into another fit of laughter. I could hear his echoing laughter ringing pl
easantly in my ear as I tried to extricate myself from his grasp.
"Jasper, this is torture. You have to stop!" I complained through my continuous
laughter.
"I don't know. You seem to be enjoying yourself," he teased. But then his finger
s stopped moving, and he pulled me closer against him briefly before letting me
go. I leaned over for a few seconds, hands resting on my upper thighs as I tried
to regulate my breathing. Then I straightened and looked back at him with a smi
le.
"I'll get you for this, Jasper Whitlock," I threatened, "when you least expect i
t."
His eyebrows went up and down in unison.
"I very much doubt you'll succeed, but it will be fun seeing you try."
I huffed, pretending to be insulted.
"Never underestimate the power of human ingenuity," I said in what I hoped was a
mildly menacing tone, "I'll figure something out."
He inclined his head in a quick bob.
"I hope you do, Darlin'. In fact, I'm looking forward to it. And now, let's get
on with the rest of our day."
All the tension between us was gone as we walked back to the car. Out of the cor
ner of my eye I saw an older woman standing with her leashed Pomeranian, watchin
g us with an obviously approving smile. I looked to Jasper, who placed his arm a
round my waist and pulled me to his side as we walked. My own happiness spread t
hrough out my body. Everything was back on track.
"Take us to the Bay Pavilion at Pier 57, please, John," Jasper said after we wer
e both in the car.
I looked at him questioningly, but he just shrugged his shoulders.
"You'll see in a bit. No sense in spoiling the surprise now."
I didn't complain. Instead, I settled back in the leather upholstery and enjoyed
the brief drive.
We got out of the car at the pier. I looked at the building in front of us, stil
l not understanding what we were doing here. I followed Jasper inside and soon s
aw the reason he chose this place. I laughed.
"You found an arcade!"
"I told you I would," he said smugly. "Now, they only have the Pirates of the Ca
ribbean machine. I know it's not one of your favorites, but it's the best I coul
d do on short notice."
I looked at him in amazement, so flattered that he cared enough about my stupid
little quirks to find a place where I could play pinball, of all things. Of cour
se, now he would find out that everything I told him was the truth – as much as I
liked playing pinball, I really wasn't any good at it. It was going to be a shor
t stop.
We found the pinball machine in the back of the arcade. Not surprisingly, it was
n't being used. We walked up to it and I studied the playing field. It looked li
ke it could be a lot of fun. I glanced at the coin slot. We needed tokens. Jaspe
r volunteered to go back to get some. I stayed to learn more about the game. I c
huckled where I saw that the word "rules" had been crossed out and replaced by "
more like guidelines". The makers of the game had a sense of humor.
Jasper returned shortly and slipped the tokens into the coin slot.
"She's all yours," he said as he stepped aside.
I walked up to the machine timidly.
"I haven't played in a long time," I cringed a little. "I'm probably really rust
y. And I've never played this machine."
"Darlin', it doesn't matter. We're not here for a competition. Just have some fu
n. Enjoy it."
I stepped up and launched the first ball, placing my fingers over the flipper bu
ttons on the side. The game had a classic feel. Just two flippers, a wide open l
ower playing field and a crowded upper field. I wasn't the best flipper handler,
so this was exactly the kind of game I feared the most. Too many times the ball
would come shooting at me directly down the middle and I'd watch it disappear r
ight between the flippers – nothing for me to do. Still, I managed to keep each ba
ll in play a respectable period of time, even locked up and released some multi
balls. I enjoyed the play of the lights across the fields and the different quot
es form the movie being played in the background: "Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of rum!
"; "Didn't we already kill that thing?"; "You're the worst pirate I've ever seen
!"
At times I would look over at Jasper, who was leaning on one of the other machin
es, watching me indulgently with a self-satisfied grin. I tried to limit the num
ber of times I looked at him, because it seemed each time my attention was diver
ted I lost another ball. But I also couldn't help looking, since I enjoyed seein
g him there as much as I was enjoying the game. After a little while I was on my
last ball.
"Should I get some more tokens, Darlin'?" he drawled.
"No," I declined. "How about you just help me keep this one in play a little lon
ger?"
His grin turned into a wide smile.
"As you wish," he said, and moved over to stand behind me. "Launch it," he encou
raged, and then placed his fingers lightly over mine over the flipper buttons.
Playing with Jasper was awesome. Of course, there wasn't much for me to do. I le
t him control the flippers by pressing my fingers gently over the buttons. With
his perfect coordination, his playing style was much calmer than mine, and I pro
bably could have leaned back against him and taken a nap without interrupting th
e game. Instead, I just watched the play intently, for the first time having eno
ugh time to get to know the rules. Jasper completed each element of the game per
fectly and methodically, letting me watch the story unfold as the creators of th
e game intended. In its own way, it was as much of a miraculous experience as th
e whales we saw earlier. I absolutely loved it.
"Do you want me to keep going?" he asked after he completed all of the tricks on
ce.
I shook my head. "No, I've seen enough. We don't have to stay here all night."
Jasper deliberately let the ball fall through to end the game. I exhaled audibly
.
"That was something," I said. "Thank you so much, again! You are spoiling me rot
ten!"
"That's the idea, Darlin'. That's the idea."
Hand in hand, we walked out of the arcade back onto the pier. It took me a littl
e while to adjust to the natural light. I glanced around.
"Jasper, look, a sketch artist!" I exclaimed excitedly. "It's so amazing what th
ey can do in just a short period of time. I've always wanted one of those done."
He looked at me with a smile.
"If you've always wanted one, then you'll have one done today."
My smile faded. I was already uncomfortable enough with all the extravagant plan
s Jasper had made for the day. And now he wanted to spend more money on sketches
? I couldn't just keep accepting his generosity.
"No complaints, remember?" he reminded me gently. "Nothing would make me happier
than to give you this memento of our time together."
I relented. No matter how much I hated the thought of more money being spent on
me, I desperately wanted this memento as well. Something to remember him after h
e was gone.
The artist finished with his customer, handing her the completed portrait and ac
cepting her payment. He looked back and, seeing the two of us, pulled over a sec
ond stool.
"No, no," Jasper said quickly. "This will just be her." He tried pushing me towa
rds the stools, but I grabbed his hand and refused to budge without him.
"Come on," I pleaded. "It has to be the two of us."
"Your girlfriend's right," the artist added. "Trust me, some day you'll want thi
s reminder of how the two of you look right now."
Jasper still looked like he was going to resist.
"Please," I said in a small voice as I widened my eyes and stuck out my lower li
p in a pleading pout. It was childish, but I had a feeling it would work.
"All right," Jasper reluctantly agreed and followed me to the seats.
"Great," said the artist. "I'm Ken. What are your names?"
"Jasper and Bella," I quickly responded.
"Okay, Jasper, I need you to sit on the back stool and spread out your legs so t
hat Bella can sit between them on the other stool. Bella, slide the stool you're
sitting on back towards Jasper." Jasper and I followed Ken's instructions.
"Terrific. Now, Jasper, bring your arms to the front and wrap them around Bella.
Good. Bella, cross your arms in front on top of Jasper's and lean back into him
." We continued to follow the instructions, which now placed us in close proximi
ty to each other in a fairly intimate position. I blushed and looked up at Jaspe
r. He looked down at me reassuringly, but behind me I felt him shift his stool b
ack slightly. My flush increased.
"Bella, tilt your head to your right," Ken continued. "A little bit less. Perfec
t. Jasper, you look. . . no, you don't have to change a thing." Ken picked up hi
s charcoal and started sketching.
"So now your job is to sit relatively still for ten to fifteen minutes while I t
ry to capture the moment. Are you from around here?"
"We're from Forks," I said. "On the west side of the peninsula."
"Ah," Ken commented. "And you came to the city on a date? What have you done so
far?"
I decided not to correct his impression that Jasper and I were on a date. It wou
ld take too long to explain and, besides, I rather enjoyed this illusion.
"We went whale watching in the morning, then we did the underground Seattle tour
and then we went to the Space Needle."
Ken whistled. "Wow, Jasper. You sure know how to do it right. You're a lucky gir
l, Bella."
"I know," I agreed. "He's incorrigible."
"He's in love," Ken said.
I blushed anew.
"With all the blushing, Bella, you're making me wish I was doing this in color.
You two do make a lovely couple."
"Bella is lovely, anyway." I heard Jasper say behind me. It took a lot of effort
not to break pose to look back at him.
"Indeed she is," Ken agreed. "So, is this it, or do you have more planned for to
night?"
I didn't know how to respond since Jasper had not filled me in on our evening pl
ans.
"Tonight it's just dinner and conversation," Jasper replied. "And maybe a little
dancing."
I couldn't help but look at him in surprise. Didn't he realize yet how uncoordin
ated I was and how dancing was just not an option for me? He was looking down at
me with a bemused expression.
"No complaining," he reminded me once again quietly. "But you don't have to do a
nything you're not comfortable with."
I returned to the pose and smiled. Now that I knew the option was mine, dancing
with Jasper didn't sound like such a bad idea. If we only slow danced, close to
each other, his arms wrapped securely around me so that I had no chance to make
a fool of myself. . . It really didn't sound like a bad idea at all.
"Jasper, you're quite the romantic," Ken said, "planning such a special day for
a special lady."
"Nothing I could plan could be as special as Bella, but I did my best."
"Well, from the look on both of your faces, son, I'd say you succeeded."
Ken continued to sketch in silence for a while. I didn't mind at all. Sitting th
ere by the waterfront, a gentle breeze coming in off the ocean, leaning back aga
inst Jasper's hard, muscular chest with his arms encircled around me, I felt the
re could never be a more perfect place and time. I wanted to stretch this moment
to infinity.
Too soon, Ken put down the charcoal.
"All done," he said, taking off the sketch and handing it to me for evaluation.
I took one look at it and gasped in shock. The couple in the sketch resembled Ja
sper and me physically, but it couldn't have been us. The girl was gorgeous, lon
g hair flowing down her shoulders in waves, a smile of complete contentment on h
er face, and a confident happiness evident in her eyes as she leaned back agains
t the man behind her. He had his arms wrapped around her loosely, but possessive
ly, signaling to the world that she belonged with him. His face was turned sligh
tly towards her and down, his wavy hair falling rakishly over one eye. His focus
and concentration were exclusively on her and the look in his face and eyes was
that of a man who was looking at the most important woman in the world, his one
true love.
I looked at the sketch in wonder, completely awed by its beauty. Then my face fe
ll a little. Ken must have noticed the change in my expression.
"Something wrong? You don't like it?" he asked, sounding a bit hurt.
"No, it's not that," I said quickly. "It's beautiful. I guess I was just looking
for something more . . . more realistic."
Ken laughed.
"Bella, I'm a good artist, but I only draw what I see. Trust me, if I had taken
a photograph it would have looked exactly the same."
I looked back to Jasper, who was studying the sketch carefully over my shoulder.
Seeing my gaze, he lowered his head and rubbed his cheek against mine.
"No photograph or sketch could ever do her justice, Ken, but this is as close as
anyone will ever get."
He loosened his embrace, reaching to his back pocket for his wallet. He pulled o
ut several bills and handed them to Ken. I knew it was much more than the regula
r price of a sketch. Ken's eyes opened wide as he took the money and shoved it i
n his pocket.
"Thanks, man. That's very generous."
"You more than earned it," Jasper said simply, standing up and pulling me up wit
h him. He reached for the rubber band offered by Ken, rolled up the sketch loose
ly, taking care not to crease it, and slipped the rubber band over the roll to m
aintain its shape. He handed the sketch to me and took my hand.
"Thanks, Ken," he said over his shoulder as we walked away.
"So what do you think, Bella? Ready to go back to the yacht?" he asked.
"What happened to the dinner and dancing?"
"There's a chef aboard the yacht, probably preparing dinner as we speak. As for
the dancing, well, it'll be better for my ego if you refuse me in private."
"How do you know I'll refuse?"
"I'm hoping you don't, Darlin'. I'm definitely hoping you don't."
Chapter 28: What can you lose?
We walked back to the car and, after calling the captain to let him know of our
plans, Jasper instructed John to take us back to the marina. I looked down at th
e rolled up sketch in my hand, trying to resist the impulse to unroll it and loo
k at it again.
"Shall I get it framed for you?" Jasper asked.
I thought about it for a while. Much as I wanted to, I couldn't very well displa
y the sketch anywhere. How would I explain it if anyone ever saw it? I shook my
head.
"No. It's easier to hide when it's like this. I can't take a chance on Charlie o
r anyone else seeing it."
He nodded his understanding.
"We'll have to find a book large enough to press it flat in. We'll make sure it'
s something boring, so no one is tempted to look inside. Carlisle should have so
mething suitable in his library."
"That's a good idea, Jasper. Thanks!"
The car pulled into the marina parking lot. I waited as Jasper settled the bill
with John, and then we walked back together to the yacht. Captain Jones was wait
ing for us and began final preparations to sail as soon as we came on board.
"Chef's preparing dinner in the kitchen," he informed us, "but the rest of the y
acht is open for your pleasure."
"Would you like to go inside or stay out on deck for a while?" Jasper asked.
"Let's stay out," I said. "We'll have to be inside later so we might as well tak
e advantage of this opportunity."
Jasper took the sketch from my hand "Let me just take care of this. Be back in a
moment."
True to his word, even at human speed he was back from the salon in less than a
minute. We walked to the railing and looked out at the Seattle skyline. I realiz
ed I would never be able to see the city again without thinking of this day with
Jasper. The thought that this magical time with him was coming to an end made m
e melancholy.
"Are you okay?" he asked, obviously sensing my mood.
"Yes, I'm just sad that it all has to end. I feel like Cinderella watching the c
lock, seeing it get closer and closer to midnight."
"It's just one day, Bella. It doesn't have to be the last day we spend together.
I swear I have no plans to turn into a pumpkin."
I laughed. "Prince Charming didn't turn into a pumpkin, silly."
"Neither did Cinderella. And, if I recall, the story didn't exactly have a tragi
c ending. Didn't the two of them live happily ever after together?"
I cringed. It wasn't exactly a fair comparison. Prince Charming wasn't a vampire
with a family and mate waiting for him in Alaska. I looked away. Suddenly I did
n't feel like looking at the city anymore.
"Let's go to the front," I suggested. "We haven't been there yet."
Jasper followed me to the bow of the yacht and we looked out towards the horizon
. The sun had finally descended below the clouds with just wisps of red streaks
visible in the distance over the water. Daylight was giving way to dusk. It was
all so beautiful.
"This was a perfect day, Jasper. I know I keep saying the same thing, but thank
you. I'll never forget this."
"Me either," he said. "And thank you for letting me plan this and for sharing it
with me. You don't realize how good you made me feel today."
"Really? How good is that?" I challenged.
He looked thoughtful for a moment, then a mischievous glint came to his eyes.
"About this good," he said as he stepped to the V in the deck railing, climbing
up on the lower rail and spreading his arms wide. "I'm the king of the world!" h
e shouted.
I giggled. "Very original, Jasper," I said. "I'm sure no one has ever done that
before." Although I was laughing, I was also amazed by the way he looked up on t
hat railing. Like a figurehead on the prow of a ship or a golden deity.
He looked at me over his shoulder and beckoned me to him.
"So what if others have done it? It's still a classic moment. Want to try it?"
I shook my head. "I'd better not, unless you feel like going for a swim."
"Come on, Bella," He said. "You know I'll keep you safe. Here, we can even stay
on deck." He jumped down from the railing and extended his hand to me. I took it
and stepped in front of him into the V point.
"That's it," He murmured, "Now spread out your arms." He guided my arms out, sup
porting them with his. And just like Rose in the movie Titanic, I felt like I wa
s flying. Sure, it was corny, but also strangely romantic, and I was so relieved
that I was supported by the deck railing and Jasper when he leaned over and whi
spered "I was already feeling pretty great, Bella, but nothing beats sailing int
o the sunset with you."
I sighed. I loved hearing him say it, but stuff like this was exactly the reason
 why he and I needed to talk. I was about to say something, when he turned me ar
ound and pulled me away from the railing.
"May I have the favor of a dance?" he asked. I saw him reach into his pocket and
music started flowing from a speaker system I hadn't noticed before. The song w
as Selena's "I Could Fall in Love," the same song I played for him last night. S
uddenly, despite the cool ocean breeze, I felt very, very warm.
"I promise it won't hurt," he said. "I'm actually pretty good at this. All you h
ave to do is follow my lead."
Reluctantly, I took his offered hand and placed my left hand on his shoulder. He
placed his right hand on my waist and started to lead. Following him was almost
effortless, and for the first time in my life I actually enjoyed dancing.
"See, Bella," he teased gently. "That's not so bad, is it?"
I didn't respond, preferring to continue gliding along the deck to the beautiful
song. Selena reached the Spanish lyrics and I remembered that I still didn't kn
ow what she was saying.
"Would you like me to translate?" Jasper asked, as though he had read my mind.
I nodded.
"I'm always dreaming of you
Kissing my lips, caressing my skin
Hugging me with crazy longings
Imagining that you love me
The way that I could love you"
My breath caught and I had to look away. His talent must have been rubbed off on
me and I didn't even know it. I had found a song with lyrics that expressed exa
ctly how I felt, though in a differnet language. I swallowed hard, wondering wha
t he was thinking, what he had thought when I played this song last night. I gue
ssed this was as good a time as any to start our discussion. I took a deep breat
h and was about to speak when I saw a man dressed in a chef's coat coming over f
rom the salon.
"Mr. Hale, ma'am," he said quietly, clearly uncomfortable with interrupting our
dance, "Dinner is ready whenever you are."
Jasper stopped just as the song ended.
"Perfect timing," he said. "Shall we?"
I wrapped my arm around his and we walked back to the salon. I gasped at the tra
nsformation. The dining table was beautifully set and decorated with a gorgeous
low floral centerpiece. Jasper pulled out a chair for me and waited to push it i
n for me as I sat down.
"I'll serve, if you don't mind," He said to the chef. "We'd prefer to be alone."
"Not at all, sir. Bon Apetit!" I heard the man say behind me. Then I heard the c
lick of the door that let up to the wheel house. A moment later Jasper was at th
e table delivering a beautifully plated crab cake and another plate with tortell
ini kebobs.
"Um, these are beautiful, but you know I'm just one person, right? There is a li
mit to how much I can eat."
Jasper sat down next to me, instead of at the opposite end of the table.
"I know, Darlin', but I still don't know what you do and do not like to eat, so
to be safe I had the chef prepare two completely different meals. Just to increa
se the odds that you'll find something to suit your taste. So you can eat whatev
er you like."
I stared at him in disbelief. Was it actually possible for someone to be this co
nsiderate?
"Or," he said, with less assurance, "you don't have to eat anything at all, if I
managed to choose all wrong. I can ask the chef to come down and prepare someth
ing else."
"No," I said quickly. "This is wonderful. Both of these are wonderful," I exclai
med as I looked at the two appetizers before me. "I just can't believe you did a
ll this for me. Though I suppose . . ." suddenly I was embarrassed that I had be
en so surprised at his thoughtfulness, since he had never failed to consider my
needs before. "I suppose I should have expected this. You've planned out everyth
ing else.
"But Jasper," I said urgently, "you have to stop doing this. Stop trying to make
everything perfect. It's too much. I mean, please don't misunderstand, I love i
t and I appreciate it, but nothing and no one else could ever compare to this, a
nd it's not fair . . ."
I turned away from him. I wanted to postpone this conversation until after dinne
r was over, so that we could speak without interruptions. I needed to tell him t
hat I was feeling things I shouldn't be feeling and that his consideration and a
ttentiveness only made it worse, but this just didn't seem like the right time.
I needed to stall. Would he let me get away with leaving that last statement wit
hout a follow-up? I had to try. I picked up the fork and took a bite of the crab
cake. It was delicious.
"Mmmm, this is divine."
I took a quick look at him. He was watching me with a concerned expression. I co
uld tell he wanted to say something, but was trying hard to restrain himself. I
hated doing this to him, leaving things hanging the way I did, but I just wasn't
ready right now to address that very sensitive topic.
I tried one of the tortellini kebabs after dipping it in the accompanying sauce.
It was wonderful as well.
"I wish you could taste these, they're fabulous. What else is on the menu tonigh
t? If everything else is this good, I'd better pace myself."
I saw real conflict in his face – his reluctance to abandon our barely started dis
cussion battling with his desire to answer my question. The latter won.
"Caesar salad, Spinach Gorgonzola salad, Lobster tail and Filet Mignon, Poached
Salmon, Cheesecake with strawberry and chocolate sauce and Tiramisu."
My eyes must have bugged out of my head. Even tasting just a little bit of each
dish was going to make me too full. Still, it all sounded great.
"Well," I said with a sigh, "As much as I love these, if I'm going to try all th
at other stuff I'd better stop and move on to the salads. As it is my stomach wi
ll probably run out of room before we get to dessert, and that's the best part!"
Seemingly before I even finished speaking Jasper whisked the appetizers away and
returned with the salads. The Caesar salad was magnificent, the fresh dressing
prepared just right. The spinach gorgonzola salad with candied walnuts and raspb
erry vinaigrette dressing was just as good. I limited my self to a couple of for
kfuls of each and watched as Jasper brought the main dishes.
The lobster tail was my undoing. It was by far my favorite and there as no way I
could stop at just a couple of bites. I ate it without the butter or lemon, jus
t savoring the rich, luxurious flavor.
"This is absolutely amazing," I said as I closed my eyes to really focus on the
taste, "very possibly the most wonderful food on earth."
I opened my eyes to see Jasper watching me with an amused expression.
"What?" I asked, slightly embarrassed.
"Nothing," he said, shaking his head. It looked like he was trying to hold back
laughter.
"Obviously it's something. What's so funny?" I was starting to feel a little mad
for being left out of the joke. He must have sensed my impatience, because he d
ecided to answer.
"Well, let's just say that if I didn't know you were eating, I'd really be wonde
ring what you were thinking about. The look on your face as you ate that lobster
was quite, um, sensuous."
I could feel my face turning crimson. I hadn't realized my enjoyment of the lobs
ter had been so obvious or that it may have looked like something other than wha
t it was.
"Yeah, well," I struggled for something, anything to say that would ease my emba
rrassment, "since I know you're busy storing this information in your perfect me
mory, why don't you add this bit to it too – I only allow myself to eat lobster on
ce a year, at most. If I ate it more often it would stop being as special as it
is. So if you've been thinking up ways to serve me lobster on a daily basis you
can just forget that."
I was almost glad to see the look of disappointment on his face. I was getting t
o know him really well, anticipating the way he thought.
I took a nibble of the filet – it was as soft as butter, I didn't even need my ste
ak knife. The poached salmon was equally delicious. I wished I was able to eat m
ore, but, as predicted, I was way past my capacity limit.
As soon as I put down my fork Jasper returned the main dished to the kitchen and
brought out the desserts. I looked at the scrumptious looking cheesecake and th
e martini glass filled with tiramisu, and I cursed the cruelty of having to fore
go the desserts. Then I noticed that next to the tiramisu lay a giant Caramello
bar. I looked up at Jasper, with a surprised but pleased smile.
It was his turn to look embarrassed.
"I wanted to have at least one thing for you tonight that you were sure to like,
" he explained.
I reached over to put my hand over his. Considering everything else he had plann
ed for today, this was just a miniscule little gesture, but it meant so much to
me.
"Thank you," I said for what seemed like a thousandth time. I wanted to say more
, but that would have taken us into that dangerous territory again, and I wanted
just a few more minutes of this fantasy before reality crashed the party and po
tentially destroyed my perfect day.
I looked at the desserts again. I really couldn't eat another bite. But I though
t after "the talk" I might just need to seek some sugar-laden comfort.
"I'm super full, Jasper, but maybe if I put them in the fridge for now I can try
some later?" I started to get up but he placed a hand on my shoulder to keep me
in my seat.
"Let me." It only took him seconds to put the desserts away and return to the ta
ble.
"So," we both said it at the same time. I looked at him and laughed awkwardly. I
had been dreading this moment all afternoon.
"Maybe another dance?" he asked. He seemed as eager as I was to postpone the ine
vitable conversation. I never thought I'd be this grateful for an invitation to
dance. I nodded and nervously stepped into the dance hold.
I realized that music was already playing, had been all throughout dinner. I cha
stised myself for being so unobservant. Jasper was always so deliberate in every
thing he did, I was sure his choice of music was filled with hidden messages. I
wished I could go back in time to know what songs had already played. The song t
hat was playing now was only vaguely familiar. Given his unique voice, I was pre
tty sure it was by Sting. I listened to the lyrics:
Be still my beating heart
It would be better to be cool
It's not time to be open just yet
A lesson once learned is so hard to forget
Be still my beating heart
Or I'll be taken for a fool
It's not healthy to run at this pace
The blood runs so red to my face
I've been to every single book I know
To soothe the thoughts that plague me so
I sink like a stone that's been thrown in the ocean
My logic has drowned in a sea of emotion
Stop before you start
Be still my beating heart . . .
I stumbled and nearly lost my footing. I only managed to remain upright with the
support of Jasper's arms. I was grateful, but I couldn't look up at him. My fac
e was as flushed as the song lyric described.
He knows. Oh God, oh God, he knows. That must be why he chose this song. He know
s how I feel about him and this is his way of communicating that. But what does
this mean? Does he want me to say nothing? Would he prefer for me to keep my fee
lings to myself? How long can I do that and still continue to spend time with hi
m? I'm not as able to control my feelings as he obviously hopes.
I felt Jasper pull me closer as I continued my internal monologue. His right han
d moved from my waist to the small of my back. He took my right hand and positio
ned it around his neck while his left hand entwined with his right. I felt my le
ft arm move up as if of its own volition and the fingers of my hands interlaced
behind his neck. I closed the distance between us, pressing myself to his chest.
I felt like a death row inmate being served my last meal – like this was the very
last time Jasper and I would be this close. As much as I hated to think about i
t, I was determined to experience it fully, storing up the sensations to last fo
r a lifetime: the feel of his cool body against my overheated frame, his seducti
ve, spicy scent, the comfort and safety of his arms.
We weren't dancing any more as much as swaying, moving only very slightly within
a small area. My eyes were closed and the right side of my face was pressed clo
sely against him. I felt his chin resting against the back of my head. The song
changed and the tempo slowed down. I focused on the lyrics.
What can you lose? Only the blues.
Why keep concealing everything you're feeling?
Say it to her, what can you lose?
Maybe it shows,
She's had clues, which she chose to ignore.
Maybe though she knows,
And just wants to go on as before.
As a friend, nothing more.
So she closes the door.
Well, if she does, those are the dues.
Once the words are spoken, something may be broken.
Still, you love her. What can you lose?
But what if she goes? At least now, you have part of her.
What if she had to choose?
Leave it alone. Hold it all in.
Better a bone. Don't even begin.
With so much to win,
There's too much to lose.
Once again he had found the perfect song to reflect my feelings. I nearly broke
into tears, keeping only the most tenuous hold on my emotions and composure. He
knew how I felt and he didn't want me to say anything. If I voiced the unthinkab
le, the friendship between us would be irrevocably broken.
I felt like someone had reached in for my heart and squeezed every single drop o
f blood out of it before cruelly twisting it and ripping it out of my chest, lea
ving a throbbing, gaping hole. The despair I felt was unbearable. I was overwhel
med by a profound sense of loss of something I never had and never had a right t
o want to begin with.
Jasper pulled me in even closer, nearly lifting me off the floor.
"Bella, Darlin," his voice sounded as pained as I felt, "may I?"
I nodded against his chest, the smallest of movements. I knew what he was asking
and instantly felt a wave of calm washing over me, dulling the ache and filling
the emptiness. The artificial calm also seemed to impact my control over my lim
bs, and I sagged helplessly against him. I felt his left arm move up to just ben
eath my shoulders as he leaned down and inserted his right arm behind my now ben
t knees. He lifted me up and deposited me on the sofa, all the while continuing
to fill me with the calming waves.
Once I was on the sofa I reached for a toss pillow and hugged it close to my che
st as I curled into a fetal position. Jasper kneeled on the floor in front of me
and soothingly ran his hand over my forehead, smoothing my hair and tucking loo
se strands behind my ear.
"God, Bella, I am so sorry. I never meant for this to hurt you so much. I wish I
could do something, change my feelings in some way so that I wouldn't cause you
all this pain."
I tried to smile, not sure if I was succeeding.
"You don't have to apologize, Jasper. I understand. I wish I could change my fee
lings too. But I just don't think that's possible for either of us, is it?" Even
as I spoke, I was shocked by the lifeless sound of my voice.
"No. At least, I don't think it's possible for me."
We were both silent for a while. I noticed the music was off now. The absence of
sound was crushing despite the continuing calming waves.
"Jasper?" I had to ask him to stop. As horrible as the pain had been, this emoti
onal analgesic was almost worse. Knowing what was right below the surface and no
t being able to feel it left a void of its own. "I know what I'm feeling hurts y
ou too, but I need to go through it, I think."
He nodded and looked away. At once the full force of the pain returned. I hugged
the pillow tighter to my chest.
"I had listened to that song countless times in the last few days," he said, dul
ly, "trying to decide whether I should say anything to you. I wish I could remai
n silent, leave things unsaid, but after today I don't think that's an option. I
have to say something, even at the risk of destroying the friendship we've buil
t."
Here it comes. Here's where he tells me that he sensed my feelings for him, and
that he can't be friends with someone when that friendship puts his relationship
with Alice at risk. I braced myself as best as I could for his next words.
"I've tried so hard to deny it, to explain it, to run away from it. I never expe
cted this to happen, never thought it was even possible. But ever since that day
you came to see me at the house it's just been so completely overwhelming. I fe
lt, but never understood, what Edward went through when he realized he needed to
be with you despite how wrong it was for him to do so. Now I know just how pain
ful his struggle was, because I feel exactly the same way."
Chapter 29: Hydra
"I have no experience with this kind of thing, so I'll do it the only way I know
how. I'll just come out and say it. I have feelings for you, feelings I've neve
r felt for anyone before. Ever. Not in my human life and not as a vampire. I don
't know what it is and why it is - I just feel so connected with you intellectua
lly and emotionally.
"No matter what I do, everything about you drives me to feel this way: the way y
ou've gotten to know me; the way you let me get to know you; the way I need to k
now everything about you that I haven't learned already; the way you completely
accept me for who I am; the way you always catch me by surprise; the way you sha
re my interests and are willing to indulge me with those interests you don't nec
essarily share; the way I feel when I'm talking to you, like we could go on fore
ver and never run out of things to say; the way I can't stop thinking about you;
the way I ache to hear your voice when we're apart; the way I see your face whe
never I close my eyes; and the way time stands still when you're not with me and
races when we're together.
"I can't stop it, I can't resist it. And I know I probably shouldn't do this; sh
ouldn't tell you; shouldn't risk everything we have right now. But if I didn't t
ell you then I would forever wonder 'what if?' And I think that uncertainty woul
d be worse, worse even than knowing that you don't and could never feel the same
way. But Bella, Darlin', sometimes I get these glimpses of feelings from you th
at actually give me hope. So even though I will accept anything you tell me toni
ght, I hope against hope that there is a chance that you've felt some of this co
nnection too; that you might, at least in some small part, feel the same way?"
He stopped and looked at me expectantly, waiting for a response. I continued sta
ring at him, not fully comprehending. I had been prepared for the worst – for the
end of our friendship, the end of my time with him. I had never considered this
possibility. I wasn't sure that I had heard him correctly, that his speech wasn'
t just some cruel figment of my imagination. Even as I listened to him I was too
afraid to believe.
I knew I should say something. He had put everything out on the table and it was
n't fair to stall. But suddenly it was all too much – the stress of the situation
finally chipped away at the last vestiges of my control and the entire gamut of
emotions flowed into me like a Tsunami, overwhelming me completely. The anticipa
tion, pain, fear and disbelief mixed with joy, relief, confusion and uncertainty
. I was caught up in the torrent, unable to find a firm grasp or footing. I coul
dn't speak. I didn't know what to say.
I pushed myself up, first into a sitting position, then to my feet. Jasper stood
up with me, looking concerned and uncertain, but said nothing and made no move
to touch me. I walked to the kitchen. At the sink I turned on the cold water. No
t knowing where the glasses were and not wanting to bother to find out, I cupped
my hand and scooped up handful of water, bringing it to my mouth. I felt Jasper
ghosting around the kitchen, opening and closing cabinets, and then saw his han
d offering me a glass. I accepted gratefully, filled the glass and drank without
stopping.
Drinking the water gave me some precious time to think. I wasn't dreaming or ima
gining things. He really had just told me that he felt about me the same way I f
elt about him. And now I just needed to confirm, out loud, that I felt the same
way. This should be a piece of cake. Much easier than what he had done. I set do
wn the glass and leaned on the counter using both hands for support. I took one
last big breath.
"Maybe it's better if you don't say it," Jasper interjected before I could get o
ut a word. "I can see how difficult this is for you, and you don't need to go th
rough any more pain on my account. I already have my answer."
I sighed. In a way it was a relief to know that he wasn't omniscient, that despi
te his ability to know what I felt he misread and misinterpreted my actions and
emotions as easily as I did his. It put us on a somewhat more equal footing. But
right now, knowing how much pain my false presumptions had caused me, I wished
he had more of an insight, so that he didn't have to suffer needlessly too.
I turned around to look at him, but he had already turned away from me. I walked
up to him and wrapped my arms around his waist, pressing my cheek into his back
. I felt him stiffen, but I didn't back away.
"Jasper," I said softly. It might have been too soft for another human, but I kn
ew he could hear me perfectly. "You weren't wrong about those feelings you sense
d from me. I feel the connection too and can't stop thinking about you when we'r
e not together. I've never shared so much of myself with anyone, never met anyon
e who was so accepting of me without any judgment and who gave so much of himsel
f without reservations. And I've never felt so safe with anyone, not just physic
ally, but emotionally too. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do without yo
u after you leave."
He stopped breathing. For an agonizing moment everything was perfectly still. Th
en he loosened my hold on his waist and turned around, reaching to clasp my hand
s in his. He brought them up and placed a kiss across the knuckles of each hand.
"Bella, if you feel the same way I do, even a fraction of the same way I do, if
there is any chance of us being together, then I'm not leaving until we know for
sure where this leads. I could not bear to walk away if there is even a scintil
la of possibility that you want to be with me as much as I want to be with you."
I stared at him with eyes open wide. This was my dream come true, wasn't it? Had
n't I been hoping that he would feel this way about me, that he would return my
feelings for him and choose to stay with me? Shouldn't this declaration make me
deliriously happy? I didn't understand why his words, the words I thought I so l
onged to hear, caused pain instead of happiness.
And then I realized what was wrong. All those times I had allowed selfish Bella
to fantasize about Jasper saying these exact same things, of Jasper actually wan
ting to be with me, a part of me clung to the certainty that no matter what I di
d, Jasper would not reciprocate. I counted on Jasper's love for Alice to stand i
n the way of any interaction between us beyond mere friendship. I berated myself
for tempting him, yet had full faith that he would not waiver, he would not giv
e in. I relied on Jasper's strength to stop me from betraying my friend. I could
have inappropriate thoughts and feelings, but knew Jasper would make sure I nev
er took any inappropriate actions. Wasn't this the reason why Alice hadn't calle
d or intervened in our relationship already? In the back of my mind I had always
reached that conclusion.
Now everything was different. Now being with Jasper wasn't some impossible, unre
achable fantasy. Now I knew that he not only felt the same way I did, but that h
e was willing to discard his relationship with Alice, to commit the ultimate act
of betrayal, just to stay with me and find out if we had a future together.
As soon as I thought about betraying Alice, another question muscled its way to
the forefront of my mind. Had he considered this himself and could I assume he r
eached the same conclusions I just did? Clearly I wasn't very good at reading hi
m, and this was a topic too dangerous for assumptions. We needed to talk about t
his. I needed to know exactly how he felt. I took a deep breath, once again stee
ling myself for the worst, and asked the question I never thought would cross my
lips.
"Jasper, what about Alice?"
His grip on my hands tightened slightly and he took a deep breath. When he spoke
his voice was pained, but also steady and resolute.
"I know that this will cause her a great deal of anguish, and I hate myself for
what I'm going to do, but once I started to have feelings for you I knew it was
just a matter of time before I had to do the inevitable. There is only one optio
n. I have to leave Alice."
I gasped in shock. His pronouncement sounded so awful, so final. I recalled the
pain of Edward leaving me, and I imagined Alice's pain, so many times worse for
losing her soul mate, a man with whom she spent so many years, whom she loved wi
th all her being. Alice was my friend. I could not allow this. I could not cause
her suffering for the sake of my own happiness. The price was simply too high.
I withdrew my hands and placed them over my face. Despite Jasper's seemingly cal
m demeanor, I knew he must be feeling turmoil inside. If I got him to talk about
Alice and their relationship, if I got him to remember how much he loved her, m
aybe I could change his mind.
"Bella, this isn't about you, not really," Jasper said quietly. "Even if you did
n't return my feelings I can no longer go back to Alice, go back to the way thin
gs were. You opened my eyes, Darlin', introduced me to a side of me I never knew
existed. I feel like I've been sleepwalking all my life and now I'm finally awa
ke, and the things that satisfied me before are no longer enough. I would rather
be completely alone than to stay with Alice and the rest of the family and stil
l feel alone among them."
I looked up at him again.
"But you won't be alone, Jasper. If you were able to find another side of you th
rough me, why can't Alice find another side of herself as well? You need to give
her a chance to do that. At the very least you owe her that chance."
He obviously heard what I said, but his resolved expression did not waiver. Neit
her did my determination.
"Can we sit and talk about this?" I asked. He didn't respond, but he did follow
me and sat beside me on the sofa.
"Tell me about her, Jasper. Tell me about you and Alice."
He shook his head.
"I know what you're trying to do, Bella. It's not going to work."
"Humor me. If it truly doesn't matter, then what's the harm in telling me?"
He sighed, then began speaking, calmly and quietly.
"From the moment I first laid eyes on her, Alice was a force of nature. I walked
into that diner in Philadelphia, saw her, and didn't know what to think. At fir
st I was expecting an attack, but I wasn't worried. She was so tiny, hardly a th
reat. I had no idea that her real power had nothing to do with her size. Then sh
e accused me of being late in such a way that I had to apologize for something I
didn't even know I had done, and that set the tone for the rest of our relation
ship."
I winced at his last remark. His voice had been bitter when he said it. I'd neve
r heard him speak in that tone of voice about Alice before. Something in him rea
lly had changed.
"I love Alice," he continued, the bitterness gone. "She saved me from a miserabl
e existence, a life not worth living. She showed me a different way. She gave me
a . . . family. It was more than someone like me could ever deserve. I owe her
more than I can ever repay."
I gulped.
"Then how can you even consider leaving her?"
"I have to leave because I've never felt about Alice the way I feel about you. S
he and I have nothing in common. We never talk, not really. We never do anything
together that she doesn't initiate. Throughout our decades together Alice has a
lways known what would happen in advance and I simply followed her instructions.
I could never surprise her, never choose, I could never even do the wrong thing
, make a mistake. I was the ultimate puppet."
My heart broke for him as I listened. I reached out and took his hand. Even as I
wanted to deny his version of life with Alice, I knew he was telling the truth.
I had been on the receiving end of Alice's plans and I knew firsthand what it f
elt like to be swept up into her grand schemes. There was no refusal, no free wi
ll. I loved Alice and I knew she always meant well, but when I tried to imagine
a lifetime of shopping, and make-overs, and parties, I had to admit that I would
not have been able to handle it. I considered Jasper carefully, finally underst
anding some of what he was trying to say, and wondering how he had been able to
stand it for as long as he had.
"I didn't mind before, because life with Alice was so much better than my life b
efore I met her." He answered my unspoken question. "And before you came along I
just didn't know another way of life existed. Everyone in the family bends to A
lice's will. Of course, unlike me, they aren't her constant focus of attention.
But still, just as before I met Alice I thought I needed human blood to survive,
afterwards I was convinced I could not live without her constant supervision an
d intervention."
I squeezed his hand and moved closer to him, leaning my head on his shoulder. In
stinctively I knew how difficult this was for him to talk about and I wanted to
give him a small measure of comfort. I felt him rub his cheek slowly against the
top of my head, then inhale deeply.
"Then you came along and showed me how much more there can be, and I can't go ba
ck. I can't be the puppet again, Bella. And it wouldn't be fair to Alice for me
to be with her when my feelings for her have changed, when I feel so much more f
or you."
I gnawed on my lower lip, realizing that this was not a spur of the moment decis
ion for him. He had given this a lot of thought. And I had to admit that after h
earing his explanation I understood his reasons. I loved Alice and did not want
to cause her any pain, but I loved Jasper too and going back to Alice and the wa
y things had been would undoubtedly cause him pain. Could Alice change to keep h
im with her? Would she even want to once he told her of his feelings for me? And
if she really loved him, why hadn't she seen this and asked him to come back to
her. Why wasn't she fighting harder to keep him? Or maybe she had been and he j
ust hadn't told me? I had to find out.
"Have you spoken with her about any of this?"
"No," Jasper's tone was clipped. "I haven't spoken with her since last Tuesday."
"Do you think she's seen . . ?"
He contemplated my question. "I'm not sure. She would have seen us in Seattle to
gether, of course, but as for the rest, I only made the decision this evening to
confess my feelings for you and to leave her regardless of your response, so sh
e wouldn't have had a lot of notice. Still, by now I imagine she will have seen
it all."
So she'll be expecting it. She'll have time to prepare. She'll have time to draf
t a battle plan or a goodbye speech. She'll have time to hate me for ruining her
life. She'll have time to plot her revenge.
I dropped Jasper's hand and moved away from him, running my fingers through my h
air. I had to take responsibility for my role in this situation. Had I not gone
back to the Cullen house, had I not started to see Jasper far more often than an
y good friend of his absent girlfriend should, things may have turned out differ
ently. But if I had to do things over again, would I do anything different? The
honest answer was 'no.'
Still, I owed it to Alice to stay away from Jasper until the two of them sorted
out their relationship. And if, in the end, they repaired the damage and chose t
o stay together, then I would be happy for them even through my own loss.
I turned to face Jasper, looking deeply into his eyes.
"You have to go to her and tell her in person. You know that, right? You have to
 tell her everything and give her a chance to respond, to change. Because I can'
t be that girl. That girl who fools around with her best friend's man behind her
back and who only cares about herself. I can't even consider being with you unt
il you settle things with Alice, one way or another. And in the end, Jasper, kno
w that I want you to be happy, regardless of where or with whom.
"So you have to go to Alaska, as soon as possible. You need to be honest with he
r. And then, if your decision is still the same, you'll come back and we'll figu
re things out as they come along."
"My decision will be the same, and I will come back to you. But I know you're ri
ght. I owe it to Alice to explain it all to her in person. I'll leave tomorrow a
fter you go to Mike's," he grimaced slightly as he said Mike's name, which sudde
nly made a lot more sense, "and I'll be back as soon as possible, probably Monda
y."
I shook my head vehemently.
"Don't rush this, Jasper. You and Alice have been together too long for you not
to take as much time as you both need to come to the right decision. Please don'
t do to her what Edward did to me," I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth at the
thought of the way Edward had left me. Even after only a few months together I
thought I deserved better. Jasper and Alice had been together for decades. He ne
eded to respect that and stay with her as long as was necessary, give her a chan
ce to change his mind if that was what she wanted.
"And please keep an open mind," I added. "You haven't seen Alice in a long time
and you've been spending much too much time with me. It's possible that some tim
e and distance away from me will provide a different perspective, and that seein
g Alice again will help you re-discover why you fell in love with her in the fir
st place."
Jasper shook his head.
"I will keep an open mind, Darlin', I promise, but I know for sure distance will
do nothing to change or diminish my feelings for you. I already tried that when
I left for my hunt, so I know first hand that being away from you only makes me
want to be with you more. And as for falling in love with Alice, when I met her
she told me we would be together forever and I believed her. I fell into a rela
tionship, but I don't think I ever fell in love. All I can promise is that when
I speak with Alice I will resolve everything. There will be no loose ends for yo
u to worry about when. . . "
I looked at him disapprovingly.
"If," he amended, "If I come back."
I had a feeling he had only been appeasing me with the last statement, but it wa
s the most I could ask. This was as much as I could give Alice – she would have to
do the rest of the work herself.
We sat silently for a while as I contemplated the cold, hard truth of the distin
ct possibility that tomorrow afternoon would be the last time I would ever see h
im. I dug my nails into my palm so that the physical pain would distract me from
the emotional pain threatening to take over again. Jasper reached for my hand a
nd uncurled my fingers to intertwine them with his.
"Bella, will you promise to do something for me while I'm gone?"
I nodded slowly.
"Will you make sure that Newton keeps his paws off of you as you work on this pr
oject? I won't be around to scare him off, and I'd hate to have to kill him when
I return."
I couldn't quite tell if Jasper was serious or if he was joking. I decided it wo
uld be better to treat his comment as a joke.
"Not to worry, Jasper. If necessary, I can growl as well as you. And Mike knows
better than to try anything at this point, really. You heard our conversation We
dnesday night. He thinks I'm still pining for Edward."
"Are you?" his quiet question caught me off guard.
"What?"
"Are you still pining for Edward?"
I opened my mouth to speak, then closed it again. I stared ahead with unseeing e
yes, completely lost in thought. I wanted to answer in the negative, because I w
asn't pining, exactly. But I couldn't deny that a part of me still loved him, st
ill missed him, still felt the pain and betrayal over his abandonment.
"No," I said finally, "I'm not pining for him."
"But you still love him?" Jasper pressed.
"I suppose," I answered honestly, "that a part of me will always love him."
"And if he came back tomorrow and told you he still loved you and begged for you
r forgiveness?"
I look at our intertwined hands. Why was he doing this to me? Didn't he realize
how painful this subject was for me? Edward was the last person I wanted to talk
about right now. Still, after I made him talk about Alice, and I supposed I owe
d him an honest answer, whatever that was.
My heart twisted painfully in my chest. I had not allowed myself to think about
the possibility of Edward's return before. A part of me hated him, not so much f
or leaving me as for the way he had done it. But that other part, the part that
still loved him and missed him, Could that part of me forgive him if he came bac
k and he were truly sorry? Could I envision myself back in the role of Edward's
girlfriend? It felt like too many things happened and the girl who could lose he
rself in Edward hero worship no longer existed.
"I think I could forgive him, but things would never be the same. I don't think
I could ever be with him again. I look at my relationship with Edward differentl
y now than I did when I was in it.
"When I first realized that Edward actually wanted to spend time with me I felt
so lucky, so privileged, so special. I literally went to talk to him the first t
ime when he wagged his finger over at me in the cafeteria and that never seemed
to change. He was like my own personal superhero, saving me again, and again, fr
om myself and others. And with that hero worship came blinders – when I was with h
im I lost myself in him. I didn't do things with others, I didn't have my own in
terests – everything was about being with him and doing what he liked to do.
"Now that I think about that time, I was always afraid of losing him, always con
vinced I didn't deserve him, always thinking I wasn't good enough. I was afraid
to really be myself around him. I don't think that's healthy. And, in the end, t
hose thoughts allowed him to hurt me as badly as he did when he left.
"If he came back now, how could he possibly justify what he did? Not just leavin
g me the way he did, but forcing all of you to leave with him, forcing all of yo
u not to speak with me, even to say goodbye. What possible reason could he give
to justify doing that? I could forgive him for it, but I could never be with a p
erson who willingly caused me so much pain. I could never trust him again."
"What if he told you that he left and made all of us leave to protect you from t
he dangers of the vampire world? That he left because he loved you so much he wa
nted to give you a normal life where you wouldn't have to face dangers like me?"
I looked at him carefully. His expression was pained. Was this the reason Edward
gave his family for leaving? And they actually went along with it? How could th
ey? How could they lay all that blame at Jasper's feet? Sheer fury boiled my blo
od.
"That's the most ridiculous, selfish, hurtful, manipulative thing I've ever hear
d!" I spat out. I got up and began pacing, stalking the room like a caged wild c
at. "I never wanted to be protected for the vampire world – I wanted to be a part
of the vampire world. He wouldn't grant me that wish and then he denied me even
the scraps of just letting me hang out on the periphery because ostensibly it wa
s too dangerous for me? That wasn't his choice to make! I don't need a boyfriend
who treats me like a child and makes all decisions for my own good without cons
ulting me. Even Charlie and Renee don't do that, and I actually am their child.
I guess if he had the guts to actually give me that excuse I would tell him that
I already had a father and wasn't looking for another one."
I saw Jasper watching me with awe. I realized this was the first time he had eve
r seen me this angry. Even when he and I had the argument in my truck, I was far
more controlled. I was instantly sorry that I had let myself get so worked up.
"I'm really sorry you had to see that, Jasper. It's just that I can't believe he
would have used such a stupid reason to destroy everything we had, to destroy m
e."
He stood up and walked over to me, pulling me into his arms and pressing me clos
e to his chest. He kissed the top of my head. "Don't ever apologize about being
passionate, Bella. You're gorgeous when you're angry." He chuckled and added, "I
just hope I never do anything to have that anger directed at me.
"I'm sorry for betraying his confidence, Bella. I should not have done it, I sho
uld not have told you why he left. But for my selfish reasons I needed to know w
hat your reaction would be. Because he may come back some day, Darlin'. And we b
oth need to prepare to face him if he does."
He pulled back and tipped my chin up to look into my eyes.
"I'm not proud of what I've allowed to happen with you. I knew as soon as you ca
me back that Thursday and I felt your faith in me when I told you about my train
ing, and then when you came to me for advice the next day, and every time we spo
ke or saw each other thereafter, that I was in the wrong. Wrong to continue seei
ng you when you were the love of my brother's life and I was still with Alice. W
rong to pretend I could just limit my feelings to friendship.
"My betrayal will hurt the people I love most. Not just Edward and Alice, but ev
ery other member of the family as well. I am a horrible person for placing my ow
n needs and happiness above all of theirs. But none of that is enough for me to
stop and do the noble thing and let you go. The way I feel about you, the way I
feel when I'm with you, is strong enough to overcome the feeling of self-loathin
g over what I'm doing to them. You need to know that, Bella. You need to know ex
actly how selfish I am. Because if Edward came back for you and you were with me
, I would not stand aside. I would not let you go without a fight. I would use a
ny means necessary to keep you with me. So I need to be sure that if he did come
back, you would not want to go back to him, because I would hate to hurt you in
the process of fighting to keep you with me."
"You would never willingly do anything to hurt me," I said confidently. "But the
situation you described is not something you need to worry about. Thank you for
bringing this up and making me talk about it. For the first time you've made me
realize that I really am over him. I will never forget that first love and he'l
l always have a small piece of me. He deserves that, I suppose. But he will neve
r have my heart again. If you still want me after you speak with Alice, I'm your
s."
We stared at each other. He moved his hands up and held my face between them, us
ing his thumbs to stroke over my cheeks to the corners of my lips. This was a pe
rfect moment for our first kiss, but with Alice between us it could not be so, a
nd we both knew it. Instead, we just stood there, lost in each other's eyes. I h
ad chosen my path. For Jasper the road diverged now, and he had to make a choice
as well. I knew waiting for his decision would be excruciating, but I was at pe
ace knowing I would be okay no matter which path he chose, as long as it led to
his happiness.
Suddenly I felt like celebrating. My lips broke out in a bright smile.
"What is it, Darlin'?" he asked, smiling back.
"I think I'm ready to try those desserts."
Chapter 30: Of Mice and Men
I didn't remember much of the rest of Saturday. The desserts, as delicious as th
e rest of the food, put me into a sugar coma and I must have fallen asleep cuddl
ed against Jasper on the sofa, as we avoided the loaded subjects of our previous
discussion and focused on safer topics, like favorite music. I woke to Jasper's
hand gently caressing my face. I was in the passenger seat of my truck and high
ly disoriented.
"It's time to wake up, Darlin," Jasper said. "You have to get home by curfew."
It took me a while to focus my eyes and look around. Finally the street started
to look familiar. We were parked a couple of blocks away from my house. As soon
as it became obvious that I was aware of my surroundings, Jasper got out of the
truck and opened the passenger door for me, then helped me get out and walked me
to the driver's side.
"Are you okay to drive to your house?" he asked.
The fresh air helped to revive me even more. I judged the short distance from wh
ere the truck stood to my driveway and nodded.
"All right, Darlin'," he said as he helped me get behind the wheel. "I'll watch
from here. I think Charlie might be waiting. Call me after you get ready for bed
. I know you're exhausted and we don't have to talk, but I really don't want to
miss this night with you."
I nodded again, rubbing sleep out of my eyes. Jasper closed the door. I started
the truck, smiled, and drove away. At home I said a few words to Charlie, got re
ady for bed as quickly as I could, given my semi-conscious-at-best state, set th
e alarm for the next morning and called Jasper. True to his word, he didn't try
to talk to me. Instead, he wished me good night and told me how happy he was to
finally be able to sing me this song:
I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away and dreaming . . .
I fell asleep before I could hear any more of the lyrics.
I woke up to the sound of my alarm. I groaned and moved to turn off the annoying
buzzing.
"Good Morning," I said, surprised that Jasper hadn't greeted me already.
"Hello, Bella. Did you sleep well?" he sounded concerned and distracted, qualiti
es that I hadn't heard in his voice before.
"Is everything all right?" I asked, slightly anxious.
"Everything's fine. When are you leaving for LaPush?"
"Half an hour. I just need to shower, get dressed and get all the food together.
"
"Good. You're going directly there, right? No stops?"
"Right," I was starting to get suspicious. "Jasper, what's going on?"
"I'll tell you about it when I see you later, I promise. Right now I don't want
to make you late. You'd better go and get ready, all right?"
"Okay," I said, hesitantly. "You will explain later, right?"
"Of course, Darlin'. Just trust me for now. I'll see you soon."
"See you soon," I said. For the first time I saw that Jasper dropped off the cal
l before I had a chance to do so.
I had no idea what was going on and it was making me nervous. Why was Jasper act
ing so strangely? Absolutely nothing came to mind. Figuring that further specula
tion would be useless and a waste of time, I decided to concentrate on getting r
eady. Jasper had, after all, promised to fill me in later, and it was only a few
hours before I saw him again.
I got ready quickly and efficiently, then headed down to the kitchen. Charlie wa
s up already, drinking coffee and reading the paper.
"Ready to go, Bells?"
"Almost, dad. I just have to pack up the food."
I pulled out a couple of empty plastic bags and gathered the food I would need f
or the brunch. I didn't know how well equipped the Blacks' kitchen was, so I als
o packed some utensils and a couple of cast iron skillets. When everything was g
athered up, Charlie helped me carry the bags to my truck.
"All right, Bells. Let's head out. I'll follow you."
At LaPush Jake was waiting for us outside. He ambled casually to my truck as I p
arked.
"Need any help, Bella?" he asked, his face covered with the familiar, welcoming
smile.
"Yeah, sure, that would be great," I said. "Why don't you take the skillets? The
y're the heaviest."
Jake walked over to the passenger side, opened the door and took out the skillet
s easily with one hand. "I can handle more than these," he said.
"Great, grab a bag, then, too."
He took all the bags, slammed the passenger door shut with his foot and proceede
d to walk back to the house. Charlie, who had pulled up and parked behind me, jo
ined me and we followed Jake inside.
"Morning chief, Bella," Billy was in the living room, watching TV.
"Good morning," Charlie and I responded simultaneously. I laughed.
"Well," I said, "I'd better get cooking."
"Jake's in the kitchen," Billy said. "I told him to make himself useful."
I laughed again. My guess was that Jake would just get under my feet, but it wou
ld be nice to have company while I prepared the frittatas. I left Charlie and Bi
lly in the living room and headed for the kitchen, finding Jake sprawled out on
one of the chairs, which looked entirely too small for his huge frame.
"So what gives?" Jake asked. "How come you're over here on a Sunday playing Suzi
e Homemaker? Feeling guilty about ditching me yesterday for your other friends?"
"Ditching you?" I was confused. "We hadn't made any plans for yesterday."
"I know," he said, "but I kind of got used to spending Saturdays with you. What
were you doing, anyway?"
I panicked. I knew if I lied Jake would see right through me. But I also couldn'
t tell him the truth, especially with Charlie in the next room and within earsho
t.
"Um. I went to Olympia with my friends Angela and Ben." I felt the blush spread
all over my cheeks. Jake noticed it immediately and his mouth turned up in a wic
ked grin. He got up and walked over to stand right beside me, leaning to place h
is lips right against my ear.
"So that's the official story," he whispered. "Now tell me what you were really
up to."
"Later," I whispered back. "Please," I added, hoping he would take mercy on me.
Jake snorted. "Since you ask so nicely," he whispered and moved back. "Cool," hi
s voice was back to its usual volume, "I bet it was more fun than hanging here w
ith me."
"Not more fun," I said. Liar! "Just different. What did you do yesterday?"
I started preparing the frittatas as Jake launched into a description of his Sat
urday activities. From the sound of it, he was plenty busy without me around. I
gritted my teeth. Jake was a good friend, but I wished he didn't enjoy teasing m
e quite as much as he did. He almost gave me a heart attack with that Olympia qu
estion.
I made pretty quick work of the frittatas and soon I was sliding both skillets u
nder the broiler. While I cooked I had Jake set the table and pour out the orang
e juice and coffee. Billy and Charlie joined us in the kitchen. Once I served th
e food, talk turned to sports. I didn't exactly participate in the conversation,
but I was grateful I didn't have to make up any lies about my life.
"This is great, Bella," Billy said at one point, "thanks for cooking this mornin
g and for coming out – I haven't seen you in a while."
"Yeah," I said lamely, "it's senior year and I've been pretty busy." I threw Jak
e a desperate glance. This conversation was rapidly heading south.
"So what is this thing we're eating" Jake asked. Thanks, buddy! I shot him a gra
teful look.
"Sausage, potato and cheese frittata."
"A free whata?"
"Frittata. It's an Italian omelet."
"Huh," he said, looking at the food on his fork carefully. "It's really good. Bu
t what's wrong with American omelets?"
"Nothing. I just wanted to do something a little different."
Just then the room got darker as a large figure shadowed the glass in the back d
oor. We all turned to see the visitor.
"Jake, it's Sam. Get the door," Billy said.
Jake scowled, but got up and opened the door. The man who came in was even talle
r and broader than Jake, something I didn't even know was possible. When he walk
ed into the already crowded kitchen, a dark, hard look in his eyes, it seemed li
ke he drained all of the oxygen out of the atmosphere. I started to feel very un
comfortable.
"We need to talk," he said to Billy without exchanging pleasantries with the res
t of us.
Billy nodded and pushed himself away from the table. He wheeled himself into the
living room. Sam followed.
"He's definitely back," I heard Sam say, "And there's a new one, too." He was to
o far out of earshot for us to hear the rest.
I looked at Jake, puzzled. He shook his head. His eyes shifted to Charlie subtly
, indicating that this wasn't the time to talk. The three of us continued to eat
in silence, the atmosphere in the room suddenly very tense even thought the sou
rce of the tension was gone. I was only too glad to start cleaning up when we al
l finished eating.
Sam was gone in just a few minutes, leaving via the front door. Billy wheeled ba
ck into the kitchen and turned back to his food.
"What was that all about?" Charlie asked.
"Nothing important. Just some tribal business." Billy replied easily. He and Cha
rlie continued to talk as Jake helped me by drying the dishes. When we were done
he grabbed my hand and started pulling me out the back door.
"Come on, Bella, I have to show you the progress I'm making on my car."
I followed without protest. We made it to the shed and sat down.
"You spent the whole day with him yesterday, didn't you?" he asked, his voice ha
rd.
I sighed. I couldn't lie to Jake.
"I did, but you don't have to sound so disapproving."
He snorted. "Don't you think it's just a little odd that less than a month after
one Cullen dumps you and the whole family splits you start spending all your ti
me with one of his brothers who just happens to be skulking around without letti
ng anyone know he's back in town?"
It was hard to argue with him when he put it like that.
"Sam thought he had left earlier this week, but I'm sure he was talking about hi
m returning back there," he tilted his head towards the house. "That's how I fin
ally figured out what you were doing yesterday. How did you come up with that Ol
ympia alibi, anyway?"
"Ben and Angela really did go to Olympia yesterday. I just didn't go with them.
They agreed to cover for me."
"Huh. And what did they think you were doing? Do they know about the other Culle
n?"
"Hale," I corrected him automatically. "No, they don't know. Angela let me get a
way without giving her details on what I was doing."
Jake whistled. "Nice friend. You could have been meeting some pervert you met on
the Internet or some psycho killer and no one would have been the wiser."
"Angela knows I wouldn't do anything like that," I said. "She trusts my judgment
." I looked at him pointedly.
"I'll trust your judgment when you start showing that you actually make some goo
d decisions," Jake shot back. "I mean, you know I love you like a sister, right?
And I'd never let either of my sisters get away with this crap. I just don't ge
t it. It's like any Cullen will do for you."
That remark really hurt. I knew nothing could have been further from the truth,
but I also knew if Jasper and I decided to be together some day, everyone in For
ks would think exactly what Jake was thinking right now. I frowned. I didn't lik
e the talk that would go on behind my back, but it would be worth it to be with
Jasper.
"You don't understand," I muttered.
"Explain it, then. Make me understand."
I took a deep breath. Was it safe to talk to Jake about this? Why not? I've told
him about everything else.
"Jasper is nothing like Edward," I told him. "He's really easy to talk to, we ha
ve a lot in common and he's kind of like you – I can tell him anything, be totally
myself around him."
An angry grimace covered Jake's face. "You couldn't be yourself around Edward?"
he asked.
I shook my head. "With Edward I was always afraid to do anything that would make
me seem immature. He hated how immature all of the other girls at school were,
and I didn't want to do anything that might make him think I was like them."
Jake cursed and I saw his hands curl into fists. "Wish I could get my hands on t
hat jerk," he muttered under his breath.
"Anyway," I said quickly. "Jasper's nothing like that. He's completely non-judgm
ental. We have fun together."
Jake looked thoughtful for a moment. It looked like he might relent a little, bu
t then another shadow crossed his face.
"So you like hanging out with him. I get that. But didn't you say he already had
a girlfriend? And weren't you friends with her? I mean, do you really want to h
ook up with a cheater?"
"Jasper's not cheating," I said vehemently. "Nothing's happened between us outsi
de of friendship and he is going to talk with Alice and tell her everything befo
re anything can happen. They may even end up together, in which case I'll step a
way," my voice nearly broke as I said this, reality giving me a swift punch in t
he gut.
Sensing my pain, Jake threw his arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer to
him.
"God, Bella, how do you get yourself into these things? Can't you find a nice un
attached guy who isn't a total freak? What about Mike? I know he may be sort of
ordinary, but he didn't seem like such a bad guy. And he really likes you."
I sighed. I wished it was that easy. I wished I could just turn my feelings on a
nd off and direct them at whoever I wanted. It sure would make my life less comp
licated.
"Mike's a good friend and if Jasper hadn't come back maybe that would have worke
d, but not right now. Not while there' a chance . . ."
It was Jake's turn to sigh, though his sigh was one of frustration.
"You're as stubborn as a mule, you know that?"
"Yeah," I agreed, "I know."
We heard the back door to the house open and Charlie bellowed "Jake, the game wi
ll start soon, we're heading over to the Clearwaters'."
"Be right there," Jake yelled back. "Come on," he said to me, "you'd better get
back. You're seeing Mike today, right? Having dinner with him?" he gave me a sly
smile.
I rolled my eyes. I guess Charlie's been talking again. But maybe this one time
it wasn't such a bad thing, if it got Jake to back off a little. And I didn't ha
ve to tell him I was going to see Jasper too.
"It's just a school project," I said.
"Sure, sure, but you don't want to be late," he said as he winked at me.
I rolled my eyes. What was it about him and Charlie that kept pushing me towards
Mike?
"I thought you were on my side on the whole Mike thing," I complained.
"Lesser of two evils, Bella. Lesser of two evils. But you know I'll always be th
ere to run interference too if you need it."
Jake helped me load my cooking implements into the truck and ran off to join eve
ryone at Harry and Sue's, waiving as he departed. I couldn't help but smile as I
watched him. Jake gave me a lot of grief sometimes, but I knew when push came t
o shove he would always be in my corner.
Driving out of LaPush to Jasper's house I was both excited and nervous. The exci
tement was something I'd come to expect any time I thought about seeing Jasper.
The nervousness was due to my knowledge that he would soon be leaving for Alaska
to discuss things with Alice. Plus Jasper's attitude this morning wasn't helpin
g. I had forgotten about it while I was at Jake's, but now I found myself wonder
ing what could possibly have had Jasper so concerned.
I was so focused on my thoughts I almost missed the tall figure standing by the
side of the road near the sign indicating the boundary of the Quileute reservati
on. The figure looked familiar, and as I pulled closer I realized that it was Ja
sper. My stomach tightened up. I couldn't understand why he would be waiting for
me here instead of at his house. What if someone had seen him? I pulled over at
the side of the road and waited for him to get in on the passenger side.
"Jasper, what's wrong? Why are you here? What if someone sees us together?" My a
nxiety caused the words to come out rushed and clipped.
"I'll explain everything later. For now let's just drive to my house." His voice
was calm, which helped me settle down a little. I threw the truck into gear and
 got back on the road.
"Hey, Darlin', it's good to see you," Jasper said as he reached for my hand. "Yo
u look beautiful."
I blushed. I liked hearing the compliment.
"Thanks. You look pretty great yourself." I snuck a peek at him from the corner
of my eye. Great didn't even begin to describe it. His hair was a bit more tousl
ed than normal , giving him a rakish look. He wore light gray Dockers and a pale
, moss-green button down shirt with a banded collar. The long sleeves were rolle
d up to a ¾ length, exposing some of his arms. Now that I knew what to look for, I
could discern some of the barely visible scars, which only made him more attrac
tive to me. I shivered slightly and focused my eyes back on the road.
"How was brunch?" he asked, somewhat reluctantly.
"Fine. Jake and I got into an argument about you." What the heck did I just say
that for? Did I accidentally put truth serum in to the Frittata?
"Oh?" Jasper raised one eyebrow. "Why would you be talking about me with Jake?"
"He figured out that I spent the day with you yesterday and he. . . . he didn't
approve."
"I wasn't aware we needed his approval," Jasper's tone was decidedly unfriendly.
"He sort of sees me as a sister, so he's very protective."
"A sister, huh?" Jasper snorted in disbelief.
"Yes, a sister. He doesn't like the fact that you're Edward's brother and that y
ou're not . . . single."
Jasper considered this and some of the resentment lifted off his face. "I suppos
e he's right about that, so I guess I could see why he would be concerned."
"It's none of his business," I muttered, slightly resentful. I couldn't believe
Jasper was actually taking Jake's side.
"If I had to choose someone worthy of you, Bella, I wouldn't exactly pick me eit
her. You deserve so much more."
"Stop it. Stop treating me like I'm not smart enough to know what I want or what
's good for me." I was getting mad. This was exactly the problem in my relations
hip with Edward.
"No, Bella. That's not what I'm doing. If I had to choose someone for you I migh
t select someone different, but I'm smart enough to recognize that I have no say
in your choice, and I'm damn glad. Because as I told you last night, I'm extrem
ely selfish, and I'm absolutely thrilled your definition of who's good enough fo
r you is different from mine."
My anger was gone instantly and I smiled. We were at the Cullens' driveway now,
and I pulled off the road to complete the last 3 miles of the drive.
"Good," I said, "because as Jacob recognized earlier today, I'm as stubborn as t
hey get and none of you will be able to change my mind. I made my choice and I'm
absolutely convinced I chose the perfect man for me."
I parked in front of the house and the realization that I was about to find out
why Jasper met me out on the road instead of here made me nervous all over again
. Jasper was out of the truck and opening my door before I could reach for the h
andle. He helped me out of the truck and pulled me into a tight embrace. The hug
felt a little too urgent and desperate to calm my already frayed nerves.
Jasper released me without a word and we walked to the house. He locked the door
after we walked in, something I didn't think I had seen him do before. We settl
ed in on the living room sofa.
"All right. No more stalling. I need to know what's happening," I demanded.
Jasper grabbed both of my hands in his.
"I know I said I would leave for Alaska this afternoon, but there's been a sligh
t change of plans."
My brow furrowed.
"What's going on?"
"Last night, after I dropped you off, I came home and changed, then went out hun
ting. It's what I usually do while you're sleeping. While I was out I crossed a
familiar scent. It's Laurent, Bella. He's here."
My heart stopped for a second before resuming its beat. I was certain my face wa
s turning thirty shades of white. I probably looked as pale as Jasper. He squeez
ed my hands reassuringly.
"As soon as I knew he was here I came over to your house and I've been watching
you ever since. The only time you've been out of my sight is when you were at La
Push, and there, well, I knew you would be safe there. I can't leave you alone t
o find him, but we know from Alice that he will come looking for you, and I'll b
e waiting for him when he does."
"How long?"
"I don't know, Darlin'. We'll just have to wait and see. But I assure you, you w
ill be perfectly safe. I would never let anything happen to you. We just have to
put a few simple rules in place. All right?"
I nodded.
"And you'll have to swear that you'll do as I ask, okay? It can't be like Phoeni
x. You'll have to trust me. Understand?"
"Yes," my voice sounded weak even to me.
"Bella, I know what I'm doing, remember? This is not a problem, just an inconven
ience. Everything will be all right. Do you still trust me?"
"Yes," my voice was a degree stronger. As terrified as I was, I trusted him abso
lutely.
"Okay. From now on you'll only go to the usual places. School, work, home. That'
s it. It will reduce the area I have to cover and help me find his scent if he c
rosses it. Makes sense?"
I nodded again.
"I won't be able to see you again until I get him, so I want you to carry the ph
one with you at all times. Use it to tell me exactly where you're going or any o
ther time you need to talk to me and I'll do the same. Agreed?"
I shook my head. "What? Why? Why won't you be able to see me?"
He sighed. "I don't like it any more than you do, Darlin', but I won't be able t
o really hunt while I'm guarding you and it would just be too dangerous for me t
o be too close to you. I think I have enough control, but I'm not willing to tak
e that chance. But we'll keep in touch. We'll talk. You might even be able to se
e me sometimes while we do. I just won't be able to get too close. You understan
d, right?"
"I guess so. But you'll be so thirsty. What about other humans?"
"I'm sure some smaller animals will cross my path to help, and other humans are
not nearly as compelling as you. I'll be fine." He paused, and I nodded to indic
ate my understanding.
"So call me, please, as often as possible, 'cause I'll really be missing you. Ok
ay?" he moved his right hand up to my cheek. I leaned into it like a cat, rubbin
g my face against his hand. I had been prepared to miss him when he left the sta
te, but having him here, so close, and not being able to be with him, was going
to be unbearable.
"I hate, this, Jasper," I whispered.
"I know, Bella. Believe me, I know. I hate it too. But it's only temporary."
"What if it's not? How long can you do this without really hunting? What if you
get really thirsty and he still hasn't shown?"
"I've thought about that. I'll give it a week. After that, I'll call Emmett. Wit
h the two of us here it should be easy work. He can guard you and I'll hunt Laur
ent down."
I shivered. The tone of his voice left little to the imagination. I knew exactly
what he was going to do to Laurent once he found him.
"Do you have to kill him, Jasper? I mean, if he doesn't do anything bad. If he d
oesn't try to attack me or other humans. Maybe you could just give him a warning
and scare him away?"
Jasper dropped his hand form my cheek and looked away for a moment, then turned
back to me.
"I'll have to judge the situation when it gets here. I can't promise anything Da
rlin'. If I feel he's a danger to you, a warning will not suffice."
"I know, all I can ask is that you consider other options. Obviously you'll know
best what has to be done. I trust you completely."
"Thank you," he said, "that means a lot. So back to the rules. One, familiar pla
ces only; Two, use the phone; Three, scream."
I raised my eyebrow.
"Since I'm still trying to keep a low profile and not reveal to people in Forks
that I'm back, I may not always be able to see you, but I'll always be within sh
outing distance. So if anything happens at all yell or scream for me. I'm just t
elling you this as a precaution. He will never get that close to you. But I want
ed to let you know just in case. If anything happens where you need my help and
can't call me, even if it has nothing to do with Laurent, just scream and I'll b
e there."
The thought that I might ever need this strangely human form of alarm made me af
raid again. I really hated all this – hated that once again I had to deal with a s
talker vampire, even if he didn't seem as intent on killing me as James had. Mos
t of all I hated that his presence would delay everything. Delay Jasper's conver
sation with Alice and the time when I would know whether Jasper and I had a futu
re together or not. I knew a week for Jasper must seem like a blink of an eye. F
or me it loomed like an eternity. I could only hope that Laurent would make his
move soon. I didn't want to have to explain to people next week why I couldn't d
o things with them.
I remembered my promise to Mike to go to the bond fire at First Beach with him S
aturday. I decided that I wouldn't say anything about that yet. Maybe it wouldn'
t be an issue. If the situation dragged on, I could always cancel at the last mi
nute.
"Bella, since I probably won't be able to come back here until I deal with Laure
nt, I need to get some things together. I was hoping I could store them in your
truck, since I will be near your house whenever you're there. Is that all right?
"
"Of course."
"And I have to go upstairs to get everything, but I don't feel comfortable leavi
ng you down here unprotected. Will you come with me?"
I nodded. We got up and walked upstairs together to the room he used to share wi
th Alice. I suspected seeing that room would be difficult, and I wasn't wrong. I
felt her presence everywhere, a painful reminder that by falling in love with J
asper I was intruding, stepping on someone else's property. Looking around I saw
aspects of Jasper and Alice's personalities perfectly intertwined and I wondere
d how he could even think he would be able to separate himself from the woman wh
o had obviously been his other half for so many years.
Undoubtedly sensing my sadness and discomfort, Jasper ghosted quickly around the
room gathering the things he needed. A few changes of clothes, some electronics
, a few books. I wondered about the electronics – he wouldn't exactly be near an o
utlet.
"How will you keep all this charged?"
"I have spare batteries and there are outdoor outlets everywhere, Bella. There's
one at your house at a fairly inconspicuous location. I should be able to set u
p a charging station without a problem."
"Oh." He thought of everything. He really was a master of strategy.
"Bella, these clothes," he pointed to what he was wearing," might be a little to
o dressy for vampire hunting, so I'm going to change. I'll just be in the bathro
om and I'll keep the door ajar. Please stay here, all right?"
"Sure," for the first time since he told me about Laurent color returned to my c
heeks. The thought of him changing in the next room without even a closed door b
etween us increased my body temperature by several degrees. I looked down at the
carpet, embarrassed. He crossed the room and was next to me in a flash, lifting
my chin to make me look at him.
"You are so beautiful, Bella," he said, his gold eyes locked on mine, "And that
blush," he stroked my cheek with his hand, "drives me to distraction. I can't ma
nifest it as easily as you can without embarrassing us both, but believe me, thi
nking of you has a similar effect on me."
I was sure my blush deepened by several degrees and I stepped into him, pressing
my face against his chest so that he couldn't actually see me. Then, suddenly a
ware that standing so close to him could provoke one of those embarrassing react
ions I hastily stepped away. Jasper chuckled.
"It's all right, Bella," he whispered in my ear, his cool breath sending shivers
through me that had nothing to do with temperature, "I've had many years to mas
ter that aspect of my self control. You're perfectly safe around me, at least as
long as you want to be." He looked at me, raising both of his eyebrows comicall
y. I laughed, glad that he elected to diffuse the situation.
"Just go change, already," I said, trying to push him towards the bathroom. My e
fforts were just about as successful as me trying to move a brick wall.
"Wow, Bella," he teased, "If only I knew sooner how eager you were to get me out
of my clothes."
I rolled my eyes. "Give me a break. It's not like you're going to put on a show.
"
"Not unless you want me to," he teased again, untucking his shirt and reaching f
or the top button.
I rolled my eyes again. "If you don't quit that, I'm going back downstairs."
Jasper was instantly serious.
"No. Please stay here. I'll be right back."
He disappeared into the bathroom and I sat down on the edge of the bed. I wasn't
even thinking about what he was doing in the other room. Reality had just dumpe
d a cold bucket of water on me and all I could think about was how, once again,
I was being hunted and in need of protection. Absentmindedly I ran my fingers ov
er my scar and shivered, this time from fear. Suddenly Jasper was sitting next t
o me and I was in his arms.
"No one will ever get close enough to you to do that again," he promised. "Not a
s long as I'm around to do anything about it."
Chapter 31: Sleep
After Jasper packed up his things into a small sports bag, we went back downstai
rs, knowing we only had a couple of hours together. I wanted these hours to be h
appy, to make a good memory I could hold on to for as long as Jasper and I had t
o be apart, so I did my best to bury my fear and depression and asked to do the
one thing we would not be able to do for a while – watch some more episodes of Fir
efly.
This time, Jasper didn't watch me from afar. Instead, I was tightly wrapped in a
warm blanket as I sat between his legs, leaning back against his chest, encircl
ed by his strong arms. I threw my head back, resting it against his right should
er. He leaned his head forward so that our cheeks touched. Periodically he swept
his head down along my left shoulder inhaling my scent, as he did that first ti
me in the kitchen. If anything, his actions had an even bigger impact on me than
they did then, but after our discussion the previous night, I also tapped into
a previously undiscovered source of self-restraint. I wanted to be with Jasper,
but not until he was truly free to be with me. And now that I knew I could no lo
nger fully count on him to stop me from taking that first step down the road to
hell, it somehow became easier to police myself.
Jasper didn't let me go when the shows were over. Instead, he pulled me ever clo
ser to him.
"It's killing me to let you go, you know that, right?" he growled. "To give up t
his precious time with you so you can spend it with Newton, discussing love poet
ry."
I sighed. "I'm not exactly jumping for joy about it either, but there's nothing
I can do. There is no other time this week we can work on it. Besides, his paren
ts are expecting me for dinner." I turned my head to look at him. "You know I'd
much rather stay here with you."
"I just hope the kid behaves himself and doesn't get any ideas." He paused. "Any
more ideas than he already has, that is."
I smiled. Now that I knew the real reason behind Jasper's attitude towards Mike,
I found it endearing.
"His ideas aren't really all that relevant, are they?" I asked. "Not if he doesn
't act on them. He wouldn't try anything in his house with his parents right the
re without my consent, and you know he won't have that."
I tugged on his arms until he loosened them enough for me to stand up. I unwrapp
ed myself from the blanket, folded it and placed it on the sofa. Jasper stood up
next to me and pulled me into his arms again. This embrace was as desperate as
the first hug he gave me when we arrived, and I returned it with similar emotion
.
"It's only a little more time, Darlin'," he said softly. "Soon Laurent will be g
one and I will speak with Alice and then we can start over, together."
I sighed against his chest. I wasn't sure if he was trying to reassure me or him
self. He made it sound so easy, so inevitable, but I knew things were never that
simple, not in my life. I couldn't let myself believe that everything was going
to be fine. All of my experience let me to other conclusions. I could hope for
the best, but I had to prepare for anything.
"It's getting late," I said, as I pulled away. "I have to get going if I'm going
to make it to Mike's on time."
Jasper grabbed his bag and we walked back out to the truck together. We didn't s
peak and the atmosphere was thick with tension neither one of us knew how to dif
fuse. I let him out a few blocks away from the Newton's home and drove myself th
e rest of the way. In the driveway I took a big breath, pasted on a fake smile,
and headed for the front door.
Mike must have been waiting for me, because he opened the door before I even had
a chance to press the doorbell. His smile was far more genuine than mine.
"Hey, Bella. Come on in," he motioned for me to come inside.
The Newton's lived in a newer house, one much larger than Charlie's. The beautif
ully furnished and decorated living and dining rooms were visible from the front
hall and looked more like magazine layouts than rooms in a real home. Mike shru
gged when we noticed my appraisal.
"My mom likes to decorate," he explained, "and we almost never use this part of
the house. Do you want something to drink before we go up to my room?"
I gulped. I suppose I should have realized we would be working in his room, but
hearing him say it was a little shocking. It's just a room, Bella. He probably h
as his computer in there.
"Sure," I said
"Come on in," he moved down the hall and I followed him into the area of the hou
se that the family apparently actually used. There was a large kitchen, a dinett
e and a family room. Mike's mom was preparing something on the stove.
"Hi Mrs. Newton," I said.
"Hello, dear," she smiled at me. "Do you kids need a snack while you work? Dinne
r won't be ready for another couple of hours."
"I'll grab some chips," Mike said. "What would you like to drink, Bella? We have
soda, water, juice"
"Some soda would be great."
I was surprised at how comfortable this felt - warm and welcoming. I started to
relax. Jasper's jealousy had put me on edge regarding Mike, but I could see now
there was nothing to worry about. He was just my friend and we were just going t
o study. A perfectly normal human activity – no different than hanging out in Jake
's garage. I smiled in relief and followed Mike as he grabbed a couple of cans o
f soda and a bag of chips and headed back out into the hallway and up the stairs
.
"Have fun," his mom called behind us, "and make sure those chips aren't all over
the floor."
I stepped into Mike's room cautiously, not sure what to expect. It was obvious t
hat his family was well off. The room was large and Mike had his own computer, a
flat screen TV, some sort of video game console and an entertainment system. Hi
s full-size bed didn't take up nearly as much available space as my twin size be
d did in my room. His walls were decorated with athletic themed posters and memo
rabilia, including a shelf of his own trophies. What really caught my eye, thoug
h, was the well-stocked bookshelf. I walked over to examine the titles. He had s
ome classics as well as thrillers, spy novels and mysteries by bestselling autho
rs. Judging by the titles there were also quite a few historical novels. I pulle
d one out at random, The Archer's Tale by Bernard Cornwell, and read the synopsi
s on the back.
"You really like to read," I said, looking back at him and not quite able to dis
guise my surprise.
He looked down and rubbed the back of his neck with his right hand. "Yeah. Don't
tell anyone, though," he looked back up at me, "It would ruin my rep."
"No worries. I can keep a secret. This looks interesting." I said, lifting the b
ook in my hand.
"Oh yeah," he said enthusiastically, "that one is great. It's actually the first
in a series about an archer in 14th century Europe. The descriptions of the bat
tle scenes are fantastic!"
I smiled, returning the book to the shelf. I reached for another one, Pompeii by
Robert Harris. "And this one?" I asked.
"That one is about the Mt. Vesuvius explosion from the point of view of a Roman
aqua duct engineer. Again, the descriptions of everything preceding the explosio
n and the aftermath are just awesome."
I returned the second book to the shelf and looked at Mike carefully, almost as
if I were seeing him for he first time. This was a side of him I never knew befo
re, and I really liked it. I always knew he was more than a dumb jock, that he w
as far more kind and friendly and smart than most guys his age, but I never expe
cted him to be so passionate about historical fiction and it made me wonder how
many more secrets Mike kept from us to make himself seem more stereotypical than
he really was.
"These sound really good, Mike. Maybe I can borrow one sometime."
"Sure, take Pompeii first. I think you'd really like it."
"Okay," I said, reaching back for the book and shoving it into my bag. "Thanks.
I'll give it back to you as soon as I'm done."
"Take your time, no rush."
We both stayed silent for a minute, not quite knowing what to say next. Finally
I remembered the reason I was there in the first place.
"So," I said as I sat on the edge of his bed and pulled out Carlisle's books, "d
id you choose a poem yet?"
"Not quite," he answered, settling in his desk chair. "I have a couple I'm consi
dering. I was hoping you could help me make the final choice."
"All right. Let's hear them."
"Well, the first one is called 'Witch-Wife:'
She is neither pink nor pale,
And she never will be all mine;
She learned her hands in a fairy-tale,
And her mouth on a valentine.
She has more hair than she needs;
In the sun `tis a woe to me!
And her voice is a string of coloured beads,
Or steps leading into the sea.
She loves me all that she can,
And her ways to my ways resign;
But she was not made for any man,
And she never will be all mine.
"The second," he continued, "is called 'A Dream Girl:'
You will come one day in a waver of love,
Tender as dew, impetuous as rain,
The tan of the sun will be on your skin,
The purr of the breeze in your murmuring speech,
You will pose with a hill-flower grace.
You will come, with your slim, expressive arms,
A poise of the head no sculptor has caught
And nuances spoken with shoulder and neck,
Your face in pass-and-repass of moods
As many as skies in delicate change
Of cloud and blue and flimmering sun.
Yet,
You may not come, O girl of a dream,
We may but pass as the world goes by
And take from a look of eyes into eyes,
A film of hope and a memoried day.
He stopped and looked at me, trying to gauge my reaction. I was dumbstruck. Agai
n, I had let my pre-conceived notions take over, and assumed the poems Mike woul
d choose would be the simple "roses are red, violets are blue" garden variety lo
ve poems. I never expected him to select such heartfelt poetry. I noticed that b
oth poems had a common theme – each one expressed uncertainly about the author's a
bility to fully capture the perfect lover. And in each poem the lover was ideali
zed, beyond the natural. I looked at Mike carefully, trying to see what was goin
g on beneath the surface.
At that point I realized that Jasper had been right. Mike may have been willing
to mask his feelings until I was ready, but this did not eliminate them, and the
y were clearly manifesting themselves though his choice of poetry. Obviously agr
eeing to be his parther on this project had not been the best idea.
"Um, which one do you like, Bella?" Mike asked quietly, cautiously. "I'm kind of
leaning towards the second one, myself."
"I like them both," I answered honestly. "That last one is a good choice." Espec
ially if you're in love with a girl and aren't quite sure if you will ever be wi
th her or not.
"Yeah, I thought so too. Not too long and not too complicated, you know? Easy to
understand."
"Yes," I agreed. "Easy to understand. . ." I wished I had enough guts to veto th
is selection, since I had no idea how I could possibly explain in front of the c
lass why I thought this was Mike's favorite, but I remembered what I told Jasper
, and I knew I couldn't force Mike to choose a poem that was completely lacking
in meaning. His grade was depending on this assignment too.
"What about you?" he asked. "Did you pick yours?"
"I like this poem called 'The Kiss,'" I read it to him, watching for his reactio
n. He considered it and looked at me thoughtfully.
"It's not one I would have expected you to pick as your favorite," he finally sa
id. "I like it," he quickly added, "it's just that I would have expected somethi
ng a little more . . . traditional?"
He clearly had a better understanding of me than I of him, which shouldn't have
surprised me, but did.
"I tried to step a bit outside my comfort zone for this assignment," I explained
. "At first the traditional poems stood out, but then I forced myself to really
look at other works and this one seemed really right."
"You like that the author comingles the sexual and intellectual images?"
I was so shocked I literally sat back a little. I hadn't thought of the poem tha
t way. The idea of an intellectual romance appealed to me, but I hadn't consider
ed that Stephen Dunn combined the two aspects of love with his words. My eyes na
rrowed a bit as I looked at Mike. This was a completely new side of him. Not the
easy-going, flirty jock, or the prankster, or the shoulder-to-lean-on friend. T
his was the Mike other people didn't get to see – the throughtful, contemplative,
insightful Mike.
"Yeah, I guess so," I admitted, "though I really hadn't thought of it in exactly
those terms."
He laughed. "Good, don't do it now, then. Leave that little insight for my part
of the assignement."
I chuckled. "You got it. What about you and your Dream Girl? You like it because
you're a romantic, but a realist too?"
"Guilty as charged, but it's more than that. The description of the dream girl i
s perfect. Rather, it's a perfect description of you."
My stomach muscled clenched painfully. Jasper had warned me, and still I hadn't
expected this. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath."
"Mike," I paused, not knowing what exactly was the right thing to say.
"It's okay, Bella. I mean, I know. I understand. Like the poem says – it may never
happen. I don't mean to make you uncomfortable. But you know how I feel, and I
know you were smart enough to figure out why I liked this poem, even without me
stating the obvious. So I just thought, you know, I would put it out there, so w
e didn't have to avoid talking about the elephant in the room."
I smiled. "I've never been compared to an elephant before," I teased.
"Hey, if the trunk fits. . . "
I took a toss pillow off the bed and chucked it in his direction. It landed well
short of my intended target.
"Oh, It's gonna be like that, is it?" he said threateningly, leaning forward to
pick up the pillow.
"No fair," I cried, "You actually have hand-eye coordination."
He laughed as he put down the pillow. "You know I wouldn't. I can't pick on some
one half my size."
I laughed too, surprised that I was actually having fun and that things weren't
at all awkward. We drank our sodas and ate the chips, taking care not to drop an
y on the floor. Then we went back to work on the project, printing out copies of
each other's poems and jotting down notes for our presentations. Just as we wer
e finishing and I was packing away my books, Mrs. Newton called from downstairs
to let us know dinner was ready.
"Perfect timing," Mike said.
We walked down together to the dinette. I exchanged greetings with Mr. Newton, w
ho must have just come back from the store, and we all sat down to eat. Mrs. New
ton asked us about the project as we ate the delicious pot roast she prepared fo
r us and, to my never ending surprise, I found myself enjoying this part of the
evening as well. Just for a little while I forgot about Edward, Alice, Laurent,
and even Jasper, and simply enjoyed this very natural human moment.
After dinner Mike walked me out to my truck. "So we're in pretty good shape for
Thursday, right?"
"Yes. Great shape. Thanks! You made this a lot easier than I thought it was goin
g to be."
"That was the plan," he said. "See you at school tomorrow." He pushed the door t
o the truck closed and backed up a few steps.
"See you," I said, loudly enough for him to hear me, before backing out of the d
rive.
As I turend my head to make sure the street was clear I spotted Jasper's bag, an
d instantly remembered that he had to be here somewhere, guarding me. I felt abs
olutley horrible for allowing myself to forget. I backed into the road and drove
to my house, keeping to the speed limit to make it easier for Jasper to follow.
Charlie's cruiser was already in the driveway when I arrived, so I grabbed my b
ag and the kitchen stuff and went straight into the house.
"How did the project go?" Charlie yelled from the living room. I walked in to fi
nd him on the sofa, watching TV.
"Great. We're pretty much done. I won't have to do much this week."
"Good. Did you have a nice time?"
"Yeah," I admitted, "the Newtons are really nice."
"They are. Really nice. Good family. Raised their boy well."
"Spreading it on a little thick, Dad," I said. "Don't push it."
"Right, right. Not pushing. Glad you had fun."
"Me too, but now I'm going to put away the stuff from this morning and then go u
pstairs. I have some other homework to do."
When I got to my room I realized that I really didn't have that much to do. I fi
nished my Spanish and math assignments fairly quickly and didn't feel like prepa
ring for the chemistry lab we would be doing the next day. I sat on my bed, hugg
ing my pillow and missing Jasper. I wanted to call him, but a part of me dreaded
learning his reaction to my afternoon at Mike's. Eventually, the part of me tha
t missed him won out and I pulled out my phone.
"Hello, Bella," he answered on the first ring, "I wondered how long you were goi
ng to wait to call."
"Hi Jasper. I would have called earlier, but," I hesitated. Just how honest was
I prepared to be with him?
"But what, Darlin'?"
I decided I had to tell him the truth. "But I wasn't sure how you were going to
react to the whole Mike thing."
He sighed. "I suppose I deserve that," he said. "I haven't exactly behaved ratio
nally before. And I can't pretend that it was easy listening to the two of you t
onight, especially when he explained about the poem. But I trust your judgment,
Bella, and you certainly were more right than I was about today. For the most pa
rt Mike held himself in check."
"Thanks for acknowledging that. I got a little nervous there for a while, but it
didn't last long. So, where are you right now?"
"I'm in the woods behind your house. I found a pretty good lookout point on one
of the trees. I'm high enough that I can see if anyone approaches the house from
any direction."
I tried to imagine Jasper perched in a tree like a hunter. The dark green and bl
ack clothes he had changed into this afternoon would certainly help him blend in
with the vegetation. I knew he would be able to stay out there forever, never g
etting tired, never losing balance, never needing a bathroom break. He was absol
utely the ideal surveilant and I knew as long as he watched over the house, Char
lie and I would be perfectly safe. I also knew that what I really wanted was to
have him inside with me, rather than somewhere out there watching. And that's wh
en it hit me that, at least for this one last night, that wish could be a realit
y.
"Jasper, can I ask you a favor"
"Anything, Darlin'."
"Would you," my voice broke, "would you spend tonight with me?"
He was silent.
"I didn't mean it the way it sounded," I quickly explained. "I just meant that y
ou'd hunted last night so you should still be fine around me tonight, right? So
why waste that? Why couldn't you come over and stay with me in my room? We could
have a few more hours together before you won't be able to be near me. Please?"
He didn't answer immediately. "Yes," he said eventually, "I'll be over soon. Cra
ck open your bedroom window."
I practically ran to the window, feeling a sense of Deja view as I lifted the lo
wer sash just a bit. It had been a while since a vampire spent the night in this
room with me. Jasper and I hadn't had that kind of a relationship – we still didn
't. But if ever there was a night to make an exception it was this night, and I
was glad I had enough guts to ask.
Jasper climbed throught the window a few moments later. I walked up to him and w
e exchanged a long hug.
"I've missed you," I said. "After being together all day yesterday, this is real
ly hard."
"I've missed you too, Darlin', and I've had fewer distractions. I just hope Laur
ent makes his move sooner rather than later."
I looked up at him.
"No sign of him yet, I take it?"
"None at all. But I'm sure he's still in the area, and he'll make a mistake at s
ome point."
Jasper steered me towards the bed and we both sat down.
"Maybe you could call Alice to see if she's seen anything else?"
He shook his head.
"She would have called me herself if she saw anything definite, I think, and if
I called her I would have to tell her about you, and we both agreed that would b
e better done in person."
I nodded. Then I had another idea.
"What about Emmett? If you called him for help right away instead of waiting you
could find Laurent faster."
"I considered that, but as dense as Emmett is sometimes, I think even he would r
ecognize how I feel about you, and I don't want anyone else to know before I hav
e a chance to speak with Alice. So I want to avoid calling him unless it's absol
utely necessary."
"So for now, it just is what it is?"
"I'm afraid so, Bella. But at worst it will only be a week. That's not so long,
even for a human."
I was glad he could joke about it. I remembered the few days we spent apart the
previous week and how hard it was for both of us. I didn't think this week was g
oing to be any easier. Still, I had to concede that Jasper had thought of everyt
hing and his plan was the best one we had. I sighed. A week really wasn't that l
ong, even if right now it felt like an eternity.
To take my mind off the subject at hand, I started talking about music again, kn
owing that we never got far in our conversation last night. After a while we lai
d down on the bed, mostly for my comfort, and continued talking until we heard C
harlie making his way upstairs. I panicked, but Jasper merely ghosted to stand b
ehind the door so that he was hidden when Charlie knocked and stuck his head in
to tell me good night. When he was done in the bathroom I grabbed my night cloth
es and toiletries and headed for the bathroom myself. I got ready for bed quickl
y but didn't rush back, suddenly extremely nervous. I took a deep breath to stea
dy my nerves and walked back into the bedroom, turning off the light before I ev
en closed the door. I knew Jasper would be able to see just fine without the lig
ht, but the darkness provided me with an illusion of concealment.
I was still super self-conscious as I crawled under my quilt and turned to my si
de, with my back to Jasper. He moved up next to me, wrapping his arm around me.
"You don't know how often I've thought about being with you like this."
His soft voice made me tremble. I knew I shouldn't ask, but I couldn't help myse
lf.
"You've thought about this? Really?"
"Mmm-hmm," he murmured. "I've imagined lying just like this next to you and shar
ing another of my favorite poems with you."
"What's the poem?" I asked, my lids feeling heavier and heavier.
"It's called 'Variations on the word Sleep', by Margaret Atwood,
I would like to watch you sleeping,
which may not happen.
I would like to watch you,
sleeping. I would like to sleep
with you, to enter
your sleep as its smooth dark wave
slides over my head
and walk with you through that lucent
wavering forest of bluegreen leaves
with its watery sun & three moons
towards the cave where you must descend,
towards your worst fear
I would like to give you the silver
branch, the small white flower, the one
word that will protect you
from the grief at the center
of your dream, from the grief
at the center. I would like to follow
you up the long stairway
again & become
the boat that would row you back
carefully, a flame
in two cupped hands
to where your body lies
beside me, and you enter
it as easily as breathing in
I would like to be the air
that inhabits you for a moment
only. I would like to be that unnoticed
& that necessary.
"That's an amazing poem, Jasper," I whispered. You'll have to read it to me agai
n, when I'm not so tired." I punctuated my statement with a yawn.
"I will Darlin', I will. For now, just go to sleep."
I closed my eyes and started drifting away as he sang
Sometimes I watch you while you sleep
I know you're somewhere in a dream
and I'll cradle you in my arms tonight . . .
Chapter 32: Waiting
I woke up alone. Had it not been for the indentation in the bedding next to me I
would have sworn I dreamed that Jasper had spent the night. It felt strange not
being able to say good morning to him in person or on the phone. I turned to lo
ok at the spot where he had lain beside me and saw the folded note. I reached fo
r it eagerly and opened it up. It simply said 'call me'.
I resisted the impulse to scramble out of bed and grab the phone. Instead, I dec
ided to get ready for school first and call him one the way. That way we could h
ave a longer uninterrupted conversation. I showered and dressed quickly, packed
up my books and ran downstairs. I grabbed a pack of pop-tarts, not even botherin
g to toast them. I affixed my earpiece and flipped open my phone as I ran out th
e back door.
"Good morning, gorgeous," his husky voice in my ear sent a delicious shiver thro
ugh my body. "You took a long time to call. I was hoping you weren't angry with
me for leaving."
I moved my eyes over the tree line in the back of the house, trying to spot his
form, even though I knew that my efforts would be futile.
"I missed you this morning, but of course I wasn't angry. I'm happy we had as mu
ch time together as we did. Where are you?"
"It's better if I don't show myself. But the view is especially lovely this morn
ing."
I smiled. "Well, I'm sorry to ruin it for you, but I have to head off to school.
I'll stay on the phone until I get there, though, if you'd like."
"You know if it were my choice I'd never let you go. Drive safely. I'll be right
behind you."
"All right, see you later, I hope," on impulse, I put my hand to my lips and ble
w a kiss in the general direction of the trees. Then I turned around and went ba
ck into the house, locking the back door and going out the front to my truck.
"I caught that, you know," I heard him chuckling in my ear.
"Good, I would have been disappointed if you didn't."
We continued to tease each other until I pulled into the parking lot. Then, relu
ctantly, I ended the call and walked to class. I saw Angela walking over too and
was about to wave, but she deliberately looked away and changed course. I stopp
ed and looked after her. She seemed really mad and I couldn't figure out why. As
far as I knew we had been fine the last time we saw each other Friday and we ha
dn't even spoken over the weekend. What could possibly be wrong?
"Hey, Bella," I hear Mike's voice behind me and turned around to greet him.
"Hey, Mike."
We fell into step together, walking to our first class. He asked a question abou
t an assignment and I responded automatically, but my mind was still on Angela.
For the first time ever, my best friend was mad at me, and I had no idea what ca
used it or how to fix it.
In class, Angela continued to avoid my attempts to catch her eye and she didn't
open the note I passed to her. She gathered her books before the bell even rang
and headed to her next classroom as soon as our class was over, without giving m
e a chance to speak to her. We didn't have the next few classes in common, and w
hen I tried to ask Ben what was wrong he just mumbled that he had to respect Ang
ela's privacy and that I would have to ask her. I had no choice but to wait unti
l lunch to try to talk to her again.
Angela didn't exactly make it easy for me. By the time I walked into the cafeter
ia she was sitting at the other end of the table, the seats on either side of he
r occupied. I considered leaving her alone until she was more receptive, but I k
new I could never be that patient. So instead, I walked to the side of the table
where she sat and asked her directly, loud enough for everyone to hear, "Angela
, could I please speak with you, alone?"
I knew this was a horrible thing to do. Angela was shy and hated to be in the ce
nter of attention even more than I did. She also hated more than anything else t
o be thought of as impolite. So when I made my very public request, she merely p
ressed her lips together tightly and got up to follow me out of the cafeteria. I
saw Ben throw her a worried look, silently asking if she wanted him to come wit
h her, and I was grateful to see her shake her head. I would have spoken with he
r in front of Ben if I had to, but it would be easier to talk to her privately.
Once we were outside the cafeteria and out of hearing range of our nosy classmat
es, I changed my tone.
"Angela, obviously something is wrong but I don't know what it is. Why are you m
ad at me?"
Angela looked me dubiously. "You really don't know?" she asked.
I shook my head. "I really don't," I repeated.
Angela looked away, her face filled with sadness.
"I would have thought you'd be a little more perceptive than that, Bella. A litt
le more sensitive. I mean, I thought we were friends, but I guess you don't feel
the same way."
"What are you talking about?" I asked, thoroughly confused. "Of course we're fri
ends. You're my best friend."
"Really?" her question was laced with disbelief. "If I'm your best friend then h
ow do you explain me having to ask my boyfriend to call one of his friends just
to make sure that you actually made it home from whatever it was you were doing
all day Saturday?"
My mouth dropped open. I was finally beginning to understand what happened.
"Oh my God, Angela. I'm so sorry! You're absolutely right. I should have called
you. It's just that I had such a busy day yesterday. I spent the morning at La P
ush with Jake and I worked on the poetry project in the afternoon with Mike . .
."
"And there was no time in between or afterwards when you could have called me? J
ust for a couple of minutes? Just to let me know that you were okay?"
"I'm really so very sorry! Obviously I wasn't thinking. But you didn't have to h
ave Ben call Mike – you could have called me yourself."
"I thought about it, Bella, except that I had no idea what you'd told your fathe
r about our supposed day together in Olympia, and I was worried that he might pi
ck up the phone and ask me a question I wouldn't know the answer to. So I didn't
call you, because I didn't want to get you in trouble. But now I'm starting to
wonder why I even cared, since you clearly haven't thought about my feelings at
all. You just used me for a convenient excuse to lie to your dad, so you could d
o God knows what with God knows who. So in the future, just find someone else to
lie for you. I'm done!"
She turned on her heel and started walking away, but I couldn't just let her go.
"Wait," I said as I hurried after her and grabbed her arm, forcing her to stop.
"Look, I see that I messed up, okay? I should have called. I shouldn't have let
you worry needlessly. It was thoughtless. I behaved like a selfish jerk. I see t
hat now. But I will make it up to you. I'll do whatever I have to. You're my bes
t friend. I don't want to lose you. I can't let this get between us."
I felt horrible and scared. I didn't want to lose Angela as a friend, yet I coul
dn't blame her for the way she felt. I had been so selfish – not even thinking abo
ut her once all of yesterday. I felt tears well up as I recognized that I didn't
deserve her friendship. When Angela turned around I was shocked to see she was
crying too.
"I just feel like you don't trust me anymore. Like I'm just good enough to prote
ct you from Mike or to give you alibis for your dad. When you were dating Edward
I understood why you spent all your time with him and didn't have time for me,
but he's been gone for weeks and you still haven't asked me to do anything with
you once, except when you needed to hide from Mike. Something's going on with yo
u and you won't tell me what it is. It sucks, Bella. It sucks being your friend
right now."
I hung my head, knowing she was right. What could I possibly say to make things
better?
"I'm so sorry Angela. You're right. I've neglected our friendship and I do suck.
I thought you wanted to spend all your time with Ben, but I should have asked a
nyway, instead of assuming. And I should trust you more. It's just that, right n
ow, everything is so complicated and I can't really talk to anyone. But I swear,
as soon as I can, maybe in another week. I'll tell you everything! Can you forg
ive me for that long? Can you give me another chance?"
I held my breath as Angela considered my request. Finally, she nodded. I stepped
in and gave her a huge hug.
"Thank you, Angela, thank you so much. You don't know how much this means to me
and you won't regret it, I swear. I promise I'll be a better friend from now on.
You have to believe me, I never meant to hurt your feelings. I was just thought
less. But I'll do better in the future."
Angela hugged me back. Our tears turned from sorrow to joy.
"I know, Bella. I know you didn't mean to hurt me."
Over her shoulder I saw Ben look out the cafeteria door towards us, undoubtedly
worried about Angela. He really was the sweetest guy. I waved him over and he wa
lked towards us reluctantly, especially when he saw we were both crying. As he c
ame up, I released Angela so she could fall into his arms.
"Everything all right, Angel?" he asked.
She nodded. "We're fine," she said. "It was just a misunderstanding."
"I'm really so sorry, Angela," I repeated.
She reached over to squeeze my hand. "Let's just forget about it, okay? I kind o
f overreacted."
"No," I shook my head vehemently, "you definitely did not. But thank you for bei
ng so great yet again. Sorry, Ben," I felt I had to apologize to him too, for in
volving him in all this.
He shrugged. "As long as you two worked things out." he said. He pulled Angela b
ack in the direction of the cafeteria and, throwing me one last look over her sh
oulder, she followed. I headed for the rest room and, finding it empty, took out
my phone to call Jasper.
"You all right, Darlin'?" he asked as he answered the call.
"How much of that did you hear?"
"Pretty much every word. I'm glad you were able to resolve things."
"I feel like such an idiot. How could I not even think about calling her? It's a
ll this secrecy about seeing you. I don't even think about my friends any more.
At least Jake knows about you being here, but everyone else? I feel horrible abo
ut hiding things from Angela."
Jasper was silent for a while. "I'm sorry my presence is causing you pain, Bella
. I never wanted that. You could tell Angela about me. She wouldn't betray your
trust."
"No, I know she wouldn't," I said. How could I tell him that I wasn't worried ab
out betrayal – that I was far more concerned about being judged for falling in lov
e with the brother of my ex-boyfriend and the boyfriend of my ex-best friend?
"You promised her you'd tell her next week anyway. Why not do it sooner?"
"I think I prefer to wait a little while longer." At least until you either brea
k up with Alice or decide to stay with her.
"All right, Darlin'. It's up to you. I just wanted to let you know you had optio
ns."
"I know that Jasper, thanks. I'd better go now. I still haven't eaten and lunch
is practically over. Those pop-tarts are not going to get me through the afterno
on."
We said good bye, promising to talk later. Although I practically ran to the caf
eteria, a dangerous proposition under the best of circumstances, I still didn't
make it to the food line before the bell rang. Oh well, no one could starve them
selves in a day. I would just have to make up for the lunch omission at dinner.
Mike came up to me and we walked to the next class together. "Looks like you and
Angela made up?" it was more of a statement than a question.
"Yes. How did you know we needed to?"
He shrugged. "I pay attention. I notice when you're down or upset or . . . hungr
y," with a smile, he pulled an apple, a bag of chips and a bottle of soda out of
his book bag.
I looked at him, surprised.
"I figured you'd be pushing it with the food line when you didn't come back in w
ith Angela, so I took the liberty of procuring some victuals for you."
Victuals? Was there another high school boy out there who not only heard of that
word but could actually use it in a sentence? I doubted it. Gratefully, I reach
ed for the food.
"Thanks, Mike, really. This was super nice. I owe you one."
"Nah. It was nothing. I have to make sure you don't starve yourself before our E
nglish project Thursday. I wouldn't want my partner's death to mess up my GPA."
I laughed.
"So you're feeding me for selfish reasons, then? Good to know."
"You caught me." He was smiling his adorable dimpled grin that reached all the w
ay to his baby blues. I couldn't help but grin back.
"Well, whatever your motives, I'm grateful. I really am starving."
"Glad I could be of service," he said as we walked into the classroom and took o
ur seats.
School continued as usual. Nothing exciting happened, no vampire appearances. I
called Jasper to check in on my way to work. There was still no sign of Laurent.
Jasper didn't say much, which worried me a bit, but there wasn't enough time to
pursue a real conversation.
Work was fine. It was just me and Mr. Newton in the store so we kept pretty busy
. Afterwards, per my agreement with Jasper, I headed straight home. That night w
e had a pretty awesome conversation, but through it all I thought about how much
I missed him and wanted to see him. It was only the first day and it was alread
y getting bad.
Unfortunately, the situation didn't get any better the next day, or the next. I
went to school, work, then home, keeping to my routine. I made a conscious effor
t to spend time with Angela at school, to show her that I really valued our frie
ndship. Fortunately my work schedule made a good excuse for not asking her to do
anything with me this week.
Jasper and I talked several times each day, but I could tell his inability to hu
nt and the frustration of having to wait for Laurent were taking their toll on h
im. He was getting more and more short tempered. Some of it may also have been d
ue to my interactions with Mike, who chose this week to become much more attenti
ve. Mike never did anything I could complain about. It was just little things, l
ike offering to carry my books, complimenting me on my appearance, helping me wi
th a chemistry lab, buying me lunch before I had a chance to protest, or slippin
g me a note with a funny joke when my depression over the Laurent situation must
have shown all over my face. Because the things he did were so silly and small
and sweet, I couldn't really get mad at him or ask him to stop, even though I kn
ew all the little gestures were driving Jasper crazy. He never brought it up fir
st, but though during our nightly conversations I assured him over and over that
I saw Mike as nothing more than a friend and he assured me over and over that h
e understood and was fine, I knew things were strained. I could hear the tension
in his voice every time the subject came up.
I started to really hate Laurent. I hated feeling like a sitting duck, waiting f
or a predator to pounce. I hated having to be constantly under watch and not bei
ng able to see Jasper. And most of all, I hated that Jasper had to put his life
on hold and suffer to protect me.
By Wednesday night I was feeling really restless and asked Jasper if maybe our p
lan was flawed. Maybe sticking to my house, school and work was a bad idea. Mayb
e I needed to go into the woods and draw Laurent out there? Unlike Edward, Jaspe
r actually seriously considered the idea, but then dismissed it as too dangerous
. He explained that in the forest it would be too easy for Laurent to ambush me
and grab me before Jasper had a chance to stop him. There were too many variable
s. So the only thing we could do was wait.
On Thursday Mike and I did our poetry presentation. I had to admit it went prett
y well. Our teacher was impressed with our poem choices, which were far more sop
histicated than those of most of our classmates. We were on such a high that I c
ouldn't really deny Mike's request that we go out for ice cream to celebrate. Kn
owing I had to let Jasper know what I was doing, I excused myself to go to the l
adies room and called him.
"God, Bella," he muttered in frustration, "this is really a lousy time for you t
o vary your course. I haven't done any recon by the ice cream parlor. I don't kn
ow what a good observation point will be and how safe it will be for you. I don'
t know how close I'll have to get to other humans. . ."
I knew he was thirsty and worried about his self control. I felt horrible.
"I'm so sorry, Jasper. But I know you'll be fine. And it will only be for a litt
le while, an hour max. I'm sure Laurent won't choose this, of all times, to show
up. After all, the ice cream parlor is a public place and he won't want that ty
pe of a confrontation."
"Fine," Jasper said, resigned. "But make sure it's only an hour. And then, can y
ou do me a favor? Would you please go to see Jake for a couple of hours?"
I nearly did a double take. Jasper was actually asking me to see Jake?
"Why?"
"Because I need to hunt, and I know you'll be safe in La Push."
"I will? How come?"
"I can't explain now. It would take too long and Mike is waiting for you, isn't
he? Just go there right after the ice cream. Charlie won't mind, right?"
"No," I was absolutely positive he would not mind.
"And call me when you're driving back so I can meet you at the border again. I'l
l explain everything then, okay?"
"Yes," I said, feeling extremely curious and confused. Still, if it would help J
asper and give him a little time to hunt and get back to normal, I would do just
about anything. Plus, I would get to see him tonight! My heart did a double fli
p and my stomach tingled with butterflies.
"Good. I'll see you soon, Darlin'," his voice softened with obvious longing.
"Soon," I repeated. After nearly four full days without him, I really couldn't w
ait!
Chapter 33: Mr. Brightside
Mike was waiting for me outside the bathroom along with Angela and Ben.
"You don't mind if we join you, do you, Bella?" Angela asked.
I smiled at the ridiculousness of her question.
"Of course not!" I exclaimed. "I'm so happy you guys can come." I glanced at Mik
e and he was smiling too, so I assumed he was fine with it as well. In fact, he
had probably asked them to come along. I couldn't imagine Angela and Ben invitin
g themselves.
"I'll drive," Mike said.
"Oh, sorry, I need to take my truck. I'm heading to La Push afterwards."
I half expected Mike to look disappointed, but he merely pushed himself off the
wall he was leaning against and started walking towards the parking lot.
"I'll take Angela and Ben, then, and we'll meet you there."
It only took a few minutes to drive to the ice cream parlor. Mike pulled into th
e parking lot first and I followed. I watched as Ben and Angela made their way i
nto the restaurant, while Mike walked over to the driver's side of the truck and
opened the door for me. I grabbed my book bag and slung it over my left shoulde
r after I was safely on the ground. He pushed the door closed and we started wal
king to the restaurant together. Suddenly my toe caught on a crack in the paveme
nt and I stumbled forward, the resulting shift in the weight of my bag forcing m
y body to twist awkwardly so that I would have landed hard on my left side if it
wasn't for Mike. He grabbed my upper arms with his hands and was holding me upr
ight, my upper body suspended in mid-air.
Suddenly time stood still as I stared up into his warm blue eyes, the adrenaline
released by my near-fall causing my heart beat and breathing to accelerate. I s
aw something I couldn't quite identify flash across Mike's face and then he was
pulling me up slowly, bringing me closer to his chest and face, until I stood di
rectly in front of him, our eyes still locked together.
"Are you all right?" his voice sounded slightly thicker, huskier.
"Ye. . ." my voice came out horse. I swallowed and tried again. "Yeah, thanks."
We kept staring at each other. It couldn't have lasted more than a couple of sec
onds in real life, but it felt like a lot longer. I could see that he wanted to
kiss me and, for the first time, I wasn't really sure what my response would be
if he followed through. His deeply shaded human lips looked moist and warm. Shoc
ked, I remembered that I had never really kissed a human, and a part of me wante
d to know what that would feel like, how would the sensation be different?
Then I thought of Jasper's perfect lips, which were also a mystery, and I immedi
ately looked away, mentally chastising myself for my errant thoughts. I had made
my decision. I didn't need to know what a human kiss would be like. I wanted Ja
sper. I wanted him to be the one to hold me and kiss me and stop me from falling
when I was clumsy. And unless I knew for certain that Jasper had chosen Alice o
ver me, I would not allow myself to think about anything else.
Steady on my feet now, I took a step back and Mike released his hold. I turned a
round and started walking again. He followed.
"Thanks for that, Mike. Really," I said. "I can't believe I tripped like that."
"Seriously, Bella?" Mike said, his voice back to the familiar, easy-going and li
ghtly teasing tone. "I can't believe you don't fall more often. I've never seen
anyone who has a sixth sense for seeking out obstacles in their path like you do
."
"I'm not that bad," I grumbled.
"I don't know," he refused to concede, "I think I'm right on this one."
I turned to catch his eye and stuck my tongue out at him.
"Nice, Bella. Very mature," he laughed. "Where did you learn that powerful rebut
tal, debate class? What grade are you in again?"
I didn't bother responding. I just walked through the door that he somehow manag
ed to beat me to and hold open for me. We saw Angela and Ben had already grabbed
a booth and were sitting on one side of the table, so we slid into the booth on
the other side.
When the waitress came to take our orders Mike insisted that we all get drinks i
n addition to the ice cream. Then, when the food arrived, he grabbed his glass a
nd raised it to make a toast.
"To friends and partners," he said. It seemed like the right thing to toast to,
so we all followed his lead and drank. From the corner of my eye I saw Mike look
ing at me. When he realized he'd been caught, instead of turning away, he smiled
wider and winked. I smiled back and turned to my sundae.
As we ate our ice cream we talked about school and gossiped about our friends. W
e all tried each other's desserts, Mike making a face at my combination of blueb
erry and chocolate chip mint ice cream and me teasing him about his selection of
triple chocolate fudge. I was surprised at how much fun I was having and how ef
fortless it all was. I realized that it had been a while since I'd been out with
my human friends, ones I actually liked, and I how much I had missed it.
After we were done with the ice cream Angela asked if I wanted to go with her to
the washroom. I readily agreed and we headed to the back of the restaurant. Onc
e safely in the confines of the ladies room, Angela turned to me conspiratoriall
y.
"What's going on with you and Mike?" she asked.
I looked at her, surprised.
"Nothing. We just worked on the poetry assignment together."
"Yeah, I know, but it's more than that. All week long he's been stuck to your si
de like glue. I'm not the only one who noticed. People are talking. And earlier
in the parking lot when he held you, Ben was ready to put money down that he was
going to kiss you. Good thing there was no one around to take his bet," she gig
gled. "And that toast? I think Mike was talking about more than poetry partners.
So come on, don't tell me you're the only one who hasn't noticed? What gives?"
I was still looking at her, my eyes wide with shock, my brain trying to process
everything she'd just told me. People were talking about us? Ben was ready to be
t that we were going to kiss? Just how oblivious had I been in the last week? Ha
d I really been ignoring the obvious? And what about Jasper? He could hear not j
ust me, but everyone in the school. Was his short temper fueled, in part, by eve
ryone's foolish gossip and speculation?
"Hey, you really have no clue what I'm talking about, do you?" Angela asked, fin
ally understanding my silence.
I shook my head. "I really don't. Mike and I are just friends."
"Well, I believe you, but you might want to be a little more careful around scho
ol if you don't want people to get the wrong impression. You two are looking pre
tty chummy these days, and you know how the gossip mill is – it doesn't take much
to get everyone going."
"Right," I said absentmindedly. I was still thinking about Jasper and how hurtfu
l this must have been for him. I would somehow have to make it up to him.
"Well," Angela said in a tone that indicated we were done talking about Mike and
me, "I really do have to use the restroom. How about you?"
I shook my head. "No, but I do have to make a couple of calls. I'll be right out
side."
Still a little stunned, I walked out of the restroom and headed straight for the
wall-hanging pay phone. I first called Charlie at the police station to tell hi
m of my intended visit to La Push. As I expected, he had no problem with my plan
s. Then I called Jake, who indicated that he wasn't doing anything and it would
be fine for me to come over, but also seemed a bit suspicious about why I wanted
to visit on a week night. I would have to come up with some believable excuse o
n the way there.
Angela emerged form the washroom and we walked back to the table. I noticed a fe
w bills tucked under the sugar holder and realized that the boys had already pai
d for the food.
"Mike," I said, exasperated, "You shouldn't have done that."
"Why not?" he asked. "I invited you. And besides, it's no big deal. Just ice cre
am and a soda. It's not like a lobster dinner."
His choice of words took me right back to the dinner on the yacht and everything
that Jasper and I talked about that night. I started feeling all warm and tingl
y. I was so happy that in just a few short hours I would be able to see and touc
h Jasper again. I loved talking to him on the phone, loved the sound of his voic
e in my ear, but without seeing and feeling him, sometimes he didn't seem real.
More like a lovely dream or hallucination. So I couldn't wait until tonight when
I could see for myself that he was, in fact, more than a figment of my imaginat
ion.
"Hey, Earth to Bella," suddenly I realized that Mike was speaking to me. I force
d myself to re-focus.
"Oops, sorry. I was just lost in thought."
"Yeah," he said. "Like really lost. Where did you go?"
"It's nothing, Mike. Just forget it," I snapped, a little too sharply based on h
is hurt expression. "Sorry. I didn't mean that."
"It's okay," he said, his voice devoid of its usual laughing undertone. "I didn'
t mean to pry."
Any lengthy response would have required an explanation of my thoughts, which I
didn't want to provide, so I just said "It's okay. No harm done. But I do have t
o go to La Push now."
We all stood up and walked out of the restaurant. Mike seemed a little deflated
and he didn't walk next to me on the way out, choosing to put Angela and Ben bet
ween us. The three of them walked towards his Suburban and I headed for my truck
.
"Thanks for the ice cream, Mike," I called out, belatedly realizing that I had f
orgotten to thank him in the restaurant.
"You're welcome," he called back. Then the three of them piled into the Suburban
and he drove away, without looking at me. I shivered, filled with remorse for u
nnecessarily hurting his feelings.
I got into the truck and took out my phone and earpiece. I pulled out of the par
king lot onto the road leading to La Push and pressed the 1 button.
"He's going too far," Jasper growled. I knew he was talking about Mike. "He'll b
e lucky if I don't rip his touchy feely arms off the next time I see him."
"It was nothing, Jasper. Would you rather he let me fall and hurt myself?"
"I'd rather you watched where you were going so that he'd have no reason to touc
h you at all," Jasper was still growling angrily.
So it wasn't just Mike who made him mad. Clearly he wasn't happy with me either.
I sighed. I knew his thirst was making him grouchy, and his jealousy of Mike, i
rrational under the best of circumstances, was not helping any. But was it compl
etely irrational? I remembered how I felt for that one moment when I might not h
ave minded if Mike kissed me. I shook my head. Mike was nice, but I was in love
with Jasper. I may have been curious about a kiss with a human boy, but that's a
s far as the interest went. I wanted to be with Jasper.
"I'm glad you're going hunting, Jasper," I said, trying to lighten up the mood,
"You're acting really crabby."
He growled again. "I am not, nor have I ever been, crabby. I am pissed off that
some damn nomad vampire is delaying the time when we can finally tell everyone t
hat we're together and I can be by your side, so there's no opportunity for Newt
on to get off touching my woman."
I gasped.
"Jasper! Mike was not . . ."
"He was, Bella. Take my word for it, he definitely was."
I couldn't believe the path of this conversation and I didn't know quite why I f
elt compelled to defend Mike, but I tried again. "Jasper, I have a hard time . .
."
"You're not the only one," he kept growling, "Newton was having quite a hard tim
e himself."
Clearly understanding his implication, I might have giggled if it wasn't for the
menacing tone of his voice, which told me in no uncertain terms that he did not
mean to be funny. I was absolutely mortified by what he had said and I felt blo
od rushing to my cheeks.
"Jasper Whitlock, now you're just being crude. I know you're thirsty and that's
why you're saying what you're saying, but I can't keep listening to this. I'm go
ing to go. I'll call you when I'm on the way home from La Push."
"Wait," he spoke so quickly that I heard him before I had a chance to hit the en
d button.
"What?" I said impatiently. No response. "What?" I repeated, louder this time, m
y voice at a higher pitch.
"Nothing," he finally said. "I'll be waiting for you later at the border."
"Okay. Have a good hunt. Bye." Right before I hit the end key I heard his belate
d "I'm sorry."
It was a good thing I was so familiar with the way to Jake's house, because I re
ally wasn't thinking about where I was going. I was worried about Jasper. It was
now all too obvious how upset he was about the whole Mike situation and I reall
y didn't know what I could do to help. If only I'd known sooner what people were
saying, I could have done something to nip the rumors in the bud. I knew everyt
hing that happened was completely innocent, but given that there really wasn't a
nything else going on in school worth gossiping about, combined with my recent b
reak-up with Edward, I guess people simply latched onto any tidbit they could bl
ow up into a juicy gossip story. It was immature, but that's what high school wa
s all about.
And, of course, none of them knew that Jasper was forced by circumstances beyond
his control to listen to all their stupid speculations. I could easily imagine
how he felt. I knew it would drive me crazy to have to listen to people talking
about him and someone else, no matter how sure I was that nothing they said was
true. I hoped his faith in me was strong enough to know the rumors were false. H
e had watched me all week, so he knew nothing happened. But still, I could compl
etely understand why he was so touchy.
I knew that I would have to be more compassionate tonight than I was this aftern
oon. I still didn't want to hear his disparagements of Mike, because Mike's feel
ings really were not relevant. But I would make sure Jasper understood that all
my loyalty and affections were his.
Without paying any conscious attention, I pulled up to Jake's house. I watched a
s the front door opened and he jogged towards the truck holding an umbrella. Som
ewhere between Forks and La Push it had apparently started to rain. That seamed
appropriate, like somehow the universe was as depressed about the situation as I
was.
"Hey, Bella," Jake said as he opened the driver's side door. "So to what do we o
we . . ." He stopped mid-question. "What's wrong?"
I looked at him, surprised. Was it that obvious?
"Nothing," I said, but it didn't even sound convincing to me.
"You look like someone just killed your cat."
"I don't have a cat," I couldn't even smile at Jake's lame attempt at a joke.
"Whoa, this is more serious than I thought. I'm gonna guess that you don't reall
y want to go in to see Billy right now."
I confirmed his statement with a look and a shake of my head.
"Okay. Should we go to the garage? It's private and we can talk."
I nodded, not really trusting myself to speak.
"Wait here. I'll be right back."
He ran back to the house. Through the open front door I heard him telling Billy
that the two of us would be in the back. Then he came back with a couple of cans
of soda and a blanket. He helped me out of the truck and we walked to the garag
e, trying to stay as dry as we could under the umbrella.
"Here," he said, handing me the blanket, "use this so you don't freeze out here.
And then spill."
I wrapped the blanket around me obediently. It felt nice and soft and warm.
"What about you?" I asked. "Won't you be cold?"
"Nah," he said. "I seem to be running hotter than normal these days."
"You're not sick, are you?" I asked, concerned.
"I don't think so. I feel fine. Don't worry about it. Why don't you tell me what
's wrong, instead? You look terrible."
I bit back a sarcastic reply. This really wasn't the time to have that kind of a
conversation. Instead, I hung my head and tried to figure out how to tell him w
hat was wrong without somehow revealing Jasper's vampire nature. In the end I to
ld him that Jasper was delayed in going back to Alice, which placed our potentia
l relationship in a holding pattern. I also told him about Mike's increased frie
ndliness and how, even though it was all innocent, it still fueled gossip at sch
ool, which somehow made its way back to Jasper. Jake listened, but he didn't see
m particularly sympathetic.
"What's that quote about deception and webs? Sounds like you got yourself tangle
d up but good."
"Thanks a lot," I said darkly, "That's really helpful."
"Oh, come on, Bella. What do you expect? You're crushing on a guy who has a girl
friend that, conveniently enough, he can't break up with at the moment . . ."
"He really can't," I interjected, sensing that Jake didn't believe that part of
my story.
"Sure, sure," Jake said dismissively, "whatever. So then, instead of being unhap
py by yourself like any other girl would be in your shoes, you go and find the o
ne poor slob who's head over heels in love with you and you lead him around like
a bull by the nose ring. And you're surprised that people might find that somet
hing worth gossiping about? And then the two-timing loverboy gets whiff of the r
umors and starts feeling possessive even though he's the one who's not available
? I mean, really, who am I supposed to feel sorry for in that arrangement, excep
t maybe Mike?"
I buried my head in my hands. It's not like everything he said wasn't true, but
I had still hoped Jake could have some small measure of compassion, could do som
ething to make me feel better. If this was how one of my best friends felt about
me, what could I expect from everyone else?
I felt him come over and sit beside me. Then I felt his arms underneath me as he
picked me up and placed me in his lap, his huge strong arms wrapped tightly aro
und me.
"I'm sorry, Bella. That was really harsh. You didn't deserve that."
"But I did, Jake. That's the hardest part. I deserved every word. I really made
a mess of things."
Since I was being as honest as I could be, and since I didn't think his opinion
of me could get any lower, I told him about my conversation with Mike in the par
king lot of Newton's store, back when I thought I didn't have a chance with Jasp
er and I was actually contemplating a possible future with Mike. When I was done
, Jake whistled.
"Dang, Bells, you're just a walking emotional wrecking ball, aren't you? You sho
uld walk around with a warning sign."
I sniffled. My eyes filled with tears.
"Oh heck, don't cry," he cringed as he spoke. "I don't have any tissues out here
and I like this shirt."
I couldn't help but laugh a little at that. Jake never struck me as a guy who ca
red about his clothes.
"That's better," he said.
"Better for you and your shirt. I'm not sure it's any better for me."
"Okay, look, I don't know what to tell you, except that unless you're ready to s
ee where it leads, you have to scale things back with Mike, not just for you and
the other Cullen . . ."
"Jasper," I said, a little exasperated.
"Whatever," Jake's animosity towards Jasper was unrelenting, "not just for you a
nd him," he continued, "but for Mike too. He's getting played like a piano here.
"
"No. No one's playing Mike."
"Seriously? The guy is carrying a torch for you the size of the Olympic flame an
d you think all that stuff he's doing is because he wants to be friends? You nee
d to start smelling what you're shoveling. Your first instincts on this were so
much better. Maintain a distance, for both your sakes. Unless, of course, you wa
nt more or you enjoy breaking his heart. Then, by all means, keep doing what you
've been doing."
I groaned. I knew he was right, but it still hurt to hear it.
"Do you have to always be so freakin' honest?"
"Hey, if you wanted a sugar coating you should have gone to a bakery. With me, w
hat you see is what you get. You know that, Bells."
I sighed. We didn't say anything for a while, but he pulled me closer to his che
st and I knew that despite everything he said, he still really cared about me.
"So what are you gonna do?" he finally asked.
"I don't know, Jake. Everything you said makes sense, but it's more complicated
than that. There are things happening that I can't tell you about. I wish I hadn
't come here and told you all this. I don't want you to hate me."
"Yeesh, Bella, are you really that stupid? I could never hate you. I'm telling y
ou all this stuff because I think you need to hear it, because I'm your friend.
But friends stick by each other no matter what. When it comes right down to it,
I don't care what you do to these two yahoos. Hell, I'd mess them up for you if
it helped. As long as you're all right in the end."
I smiled and reached up my hand to pet his cheek. His skin felt like fire.
"You're one of my best friends, Jacob Black. Don't ever change, okay?"
He laughed.
"As wonderful as I am right now, why would I ever change?"
After that we moved on to other topics. Jake lifted me off his lap and went to w
ork on his car while we talked about the daily minutia of our lives. I listened
with some concern when he told me about a rift between him and one of his best f
riends, Embry, who started acting strange a while back and now didn't associate
with Jake and Quil anymore, choosing to hang out with another group of older Qui
leute boys including Sam Uley, the huge guy who came over Sunday morning. Jake s
ounded angry, but I could tell beneath the anger was a lot of pain too as he mou
rned the loss of his best friend. I went up to him then, and hugged him tightly
from behind, trying to provide him with the same comfort and support he showed m
e earlier. Jake sighed, turned around and pulled me into a proper hug. We stayed
that way for a long time, each of us trying to cope with our pain.
Eventually it was time for me to go back. I stopped by the house briefly to say
hello to Billy, then headed back to Forks. As soon as I was on the road I called
Jasper to tell him I was on my way home. He sounded better, and assured me that
he would be waiting for me right on the reservation border. Every other feeling
I experienced faded away when the sheer joy at the thought of seeing him in per
son absolutely took over, and I drove as fast as the truck would allow.
I finally saw him standing by the side of the road and immediately pulled over.
This time I didn't wait for him to get inside. Instead, I jumped out of the truc
k and went to him, falling into his arms. I pressed myself as closely to him as
I could, and he wrapped his arms tightly around me.
"God, I've missed you," he said.
"I've missed you too," I replied.
The rain had stopped while Jake and I were talking, the residual moisture making
everything glisten in the moonlight. I noticed that Jasper's clothes were soake
d, making mine wet as well. I pulled away.
"You need to change." I said. "You have dry clothes in the truck, right?"
He nodded. "I do, but it's not safe for me to change here, with you in the open.
We should go."
I frowned. "I need to go home. Charlie will be expecting me soon."
Jasper nodded.
"May I . . . may I spend the night with you again?" he asked cautiously, almost
as if he was asking against his better judgment.
I looked down at the ground, suddenly extremely shy and self-conscious. "Of cour
se. I'd like that," I said quietly.
He cupped his hand over my chin and pulled my face up to look at him. I gazed in
to his gorgeous topaz eyes and melted. The fingers of his hand brushed over my c
heek as his thumb outlined my lips.
"This week has been sheer torture, Darlin'," he whispered.
"I know. For me too."
"I'm sorry about earlier."
I shook my head. "Let's not talk about that now."
"You're right. This is much too public for my taste. Let's get you home. We do h
ave a lot to talk about."
Chapter 34: The Nearness of You
Jasper held my hand all the way home, both of us needing to maintain physical co
ntact. Only the thought of him up in my room with me all night convinced me to l
et him go when I pulled into the driveway, and even then it was difficult.
"How're Jake and Billy?" Charlie asked when I walked into the house.
"Okay," I said and went into the kitchen to fix a plate for dinner. Charlie foll
owed me.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. Why?"
"Just unusual for you to go out there on a school night."
Great. Charlie picked the worst possible time to be perceptive. I put the plate
of food in the microwave as I thought about how to answer. Not being able to thi
nk of a good enough lie, I decided to go with the truth.
"I just had something to talk to Jake about. Get a guy's perspective."
"Ah." Charlie didn't have a follow up question. I guessed he figured what I need
ed to talk to Jake about would just embarrass him, which was exactly what I'd in
tended.
"Okay, then. I'll go back to the game."
"Sure, Dad. I'll just eat and head upstairs. I'm kind of beat."
Charlie turned and was about to leave the kitchen when he stopped abruptly.
"Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. How did your project with Mike go?"
I sighed. What was with him and Mike? The last thing I needed while Jasper was h
ere listening was for my father to go on and on about how great he thought Mike
was for me.
"It was fine." I said in a clipped voice. Please, please, Charlie. Take the hint
!
"Was that what you needed to talk to Jake about?" Oh, come on!
"Kind of," since Charlie was not taking subtle hints, it was time for a more agg
ressive approach, "But I really do need to get upstairs and do some homework and
then get to bed. I'm exhausted."
"Oh, okay. Sorry, Bells. I know you've had a lot going on this week."
You don't know the half of it! I ate quickly and washed the dishes before headin
g upstairs.
Jasper was already in the room, wearing a fresh change of clothes. This time he
was dressed all in black. Black jeans, black hiking boots and a black long-sleev
ed v-neck t-shirt that draped magnificently over his muscular chest and arms. Th
e outfit only served to accentuate his pale skin and his wavy blond hair. I swal
lowed hard as a swarm of butterflies took flight in my stomach.
I closed the door behind me and walked up to him slowly, not willing to take my
eyes off him for an instant. I stopped a few inches away from him, reaching up t
o touch his face with both of my hands, to make sure he was really in the room.
He closed his eyes as I ran one of my hands through his hair while I traced the
fingers of the other over his cheeks, his forehead, his eyes, his nose, his chin
and, finally, his lips.
"So you really are here," I whispered. "I was afraid I might be daydreaming."
"Do you do that often?" he asked softly. "I thought it was just me."
He opened his eyes then and caught my wrist in his hand, holding my fingers agai
nst his lips. He kissed my fingers and then moved my hand to my lips, pulling me
close to him with his other arm. I sighed as my body came into contact with his
. It was all I could do not to use the hand still wrapped in his soft, golden ha
ir to pull down his head and let our lips collide. I couldn't remember a time wh
en I wanted to kiss someone more than I did Jasper at that moment.
I felt his hand release my wrist and his fingers moved over my face, exploring i
t much the same way I explored his. It was my turn to close my eyes and give mys
elf over to feeling his cool, smooth fingers glide over my skin. I placed my fre
e hand against his chest, thrilling at the feel of his well-defined pectorals be
neath my fanned out fingers. I moved my other hand through his hair, down his ne
ck, over his broad shoulder and down his arm, allowing it to rest above his elbo
w, wrapped around his bicep.
I inhaled deeply and my senses were flooded with a heady combination of his usua
l incredible spicy aroma along with the smell of fresh rain and the forest. I sw
ayed slightly and I felt his arm muscles flex beneath my hand in response to my
need for additional support. I heard a quiet moan, only partially understanding
that I had been the one to make it.
His fingers, finished with the exploration of my face, settled beneath my chin a
nd lifted my head. I opened my eyes again to stare deeply into his. I saw his he
ad dip and a panicked momentarily, unsuccessfully trying to pull away. He contin
ued his tight hold, not allowing me to move.
"Shhhh," he whispered, shaking his head so lightly it was almost imperceptible,
his eyes silently reassuring, asking me to trust him. He lowered his face so tha
t our cheeks brushed against one another, his lips settling at my jaw bone. He p
laced a feather light kiss there. It felt cool and soft, like a landing of a sno
wflake. My head rolled to the side as my neck muscles refused to keep it upright
. His lips moved higher, leaving a trail of barely-there kisses until he reached
my earlobe, which he briefly sucked between his lips before whispering in my ea
r, his gentle breath causing my whole body to shudder.
"I want to kiss you so much, Bella, it's taking every ounce of strength I have t
o refrain. But soon, Darlin', very soon, I will be back a free man, and then not
hing and no one is going to come between us."
My eyes were closed again and I was relying on him entirely to remain upright. I
felt like I was floating in a dream. His promise didn't feel real. I couldn't l
et it feel real. As much as I wanted to believe that this incredible man actuall
y wanted me, I knew I could not allow myself to do so. It was easier this way, c
onvincing myself that his words were products of my imagination. This way, if so
mething went wrong and he never returned from his meeting with Alice, I could ju
st blame foolish dreams. I wouldn't have to face the fact that once again I had
allowed myself to believe in the impossible.
Jasper reacted to the slackening in my body by pulling me even tighter against h
im, nearly lifting me off the floor. He backed up, taking me with him until he r
eached the edge of my bed. Slipping his free arm beneath my knees he lifted me a
s he sat down, cradling me to him and settling me in his lap. I moved both of my
arms up, twining my fingers together behind his neck, and pressed my face into
his chest. There was nothing I could say. I simply channeled all of my love and
desire towards him, knowing he would be able to feel the emotions I could not ve
rbalize.
We sat together silently for a long time, neither one of us wanting to interrupt
this perfect moment. Then I heard the telephone ringing downstairs, and I insta
ntly sat up straighter, straining to hear what was going on. It was highly unusu
al for anyone to call this late in the evening, and typically a late call like t
his meant an emergency.
Sensing a shift in my mood, Jasper released me and I scrambled off his lap to mo
ve towards the door. I looked back and saw a scowl cross Jasper's face.
"It's nothing alarming, Bella," he said in a low voice.
Then we both heard Charlie bellow "Bella, Mike's on the phone!"
Mike? What in the world could Mike possibly need to call me about tonight of all
nights? I mentally cursed Mike and every deity I could think of for their cruel
sense of timing. Shooting Jasper an apologetic glace over my shoulder and whisp
ering "I'd better get that," I opened the door and went downstairs. Charlie was
in the living room, holding out the cordless phone.
"Hi Mike," I tried to sound natural as I retreated back upstairs into my room, "
What's up?" I closed the door behind me and sat down next to Jasper. I knew he w
ould be able to hear both parts of the conversation no matter where I was in the
house, and I wanted to be near him so I could watch his reaction.
"Hey, Bella," Mike's voice was cautious, tentative, "I, um, I just wanted to apo
logize for earlier, for leaving without saying goodbye."
This? This was the reason he had to call tonight? He had nothing to apologize fo
r. I was the one who behaved like a jerk, forgetting to say goodbye or even to t
hank him for taking me out until it was almost too late. I looked at Jasper, who
se face was suddenly completely devoid of expression.
"Oh," I didn't know how to respond. "Don't worry about it. I was in such a hurry
, I left without saying goodbye either." I cringed, shooting Jasper silent apolo
gy. I would make this call as short as possible, but I couldn't just hang up on
Mike.
"So you're not mad at me, then?" Mike asked.
Jasper scowled.
"No, not at all. I didn't even give it a second thought," I said. And please, pl
ease, please get to the point so I can get off the phone!
"Okay . . . " he was still hesitant. "Good. 'Cause, you know, at the restaurant
you were . . . I don't know. I thought we were having fun and then something hap
pened . . . And I had no idea what. And then it felt like you just couldn't wait
to get away . . . and I kind of lost it and got stupid, you know?"
I had no idea what he meant. I tried to think to what happened earlier. I said I
had to leave for La Push and we all left the restaurant. End of story. We didn'
t say goodbye but that was all. I would hardly count that as 'losing it'.
"Mike," I let a little of my exasperation seep into my voice, "I have no clue wh
at you're talking about. I mean, I accept your apology, but you really have noth
ing to apologize for. Until you called I thought everything was fine."
He was silent. Great! How the hell am I going to get him off the phone if he doe
sn't talk?
"Mike? You still there?" I asked, trying not to sound annoyed.
"Yeah,' he said. He sounded kind of sad. He's being played like a piano. I heard
Jake's voice echoing in my head. I had to put a stop to it, right now.
"Mike, listen, I think that maybe all this work on the project this week gave yo
u and some other people the wrong idea. I'm sorry if you thought . . ."
"I didn't," he hastily interrupted. "I didn't think anything."
I pressed my free hand tightly over my eyes. Of course he somehow got the wrong
idea. I could hear it in his voice. And I had been completely oblivious to it.
"Look, I'm really sorry if I wasn't clear this week, if I did anything to make y
ou . . . I meant everything I said last week, Mike. I'm just not ready right now
. . ."
Shit! I looked at Jasper's pained expression and I knew he wanted me to be more
definite. He wanted me to tell Mike there was never going to be anything between
us. But I couldn't go that far. Because really, how could I hope to win against
Alice, who hadn't even been bothered enough by me to come back to Forks to figh
t for her mate, choosing instead to wait for him to return to her? And if I coul
dn't be with Jasper, then why couldn't I get a chance to see if I could make thi
s human relationship with Mike work? Why couldn't I leave that possibility open?
I didn't want Mike now, I knew that, and if Jasper came back there would be ple
nty of time to make that clear. But I needed a little more time to know exactly
where I stood, because no matter what Jasper whispered in my ear, the future was
still far from certain.
"No," Mike protested, "You didn't do anything. And I didn't think . . ." he curs
ed quietly, "I don't know what I was thinking. I know nothing's changed. It's ju
st that, like I said, at the restaurant, it felt like I did something wrong, lik
e maybe you changed your mind about even wanting to be friends."
That statement hurt. Whatever else happened or didn't happen between us, I didn'
t want to lose Mike's friendship.
"I thought we said we'd stay friends no matter what," I said slowly.
"We did . . . Okay, you know what? I'm just being stupid. I don't know what the
hell got into me tonight. Clearly I got some wires crossed somewhere. Just forge
t I called, okay? Let's just pretend this never happened."
"Sure," I said, but I didn't really know how that was possible.
"And we're still on for the bonfire Saturday, right? Just as friends?"
I shot Jasper a panicked look. I completely forgot about the bonfire. With Laure
nt still on the loose, I couldn't very well hang out so close to the forest in a
place where Jasper couldn't protect me.
"Um, actually . . ." before I could say any more I felt Jasper's hand squeezing
my arm. I looked at him and he mouthed 'say yes', his eyes suddenly very intense
. I scrunched up my eyebrows in shock, forming a 'what?' with my lips.
'Say. Yes.' he mouthed again, very deliberately, then nodded his head to emphasi
ze his point. I didn't know what this was all about, but I trusted Jasper. "Actu
ally, yes, I was . . ." I looked at Jasper again. He was still nodding, his face
tight with stress. "I was looking forward to it," I choked out.
Mike didn't seem to notice anything odd about the tone of my voice.
"Good," he said. "All right, then. I'll pick you up Saturday at 3:00. We're all
going early to hang out at the beach and go hiking before the fire starts."
"Three," I said, trying to keep the shock out of my voice, "that sounds good."
"Okay, then. See you tomorrow at school. Good night, Bella."
"Good night." I clicked the off button and turned to Jasper. Why would he delibe
rately tell me to spend an entire Saturday afternoon and night with Mike at La P
ush? This didn't make any sense at all.
Instead of answering my unspoken question, he posed on of his own "It's about ti
me for you to be getting ready for bed, isn't it?"
Confused, I nodded.
"Then please take the phone back, tell Charlie about Saturday, and then get read
y for bed. I promise I'll explain when you return."
I looked at him carefully, wondering if I should argue and insist that he tell m
e what was going on immediately, but I decided it wasn't worth it. Jasper never
kept things from me. I knew he wasn't stalling for time, hoping I would forget t
o ask later. He had simply determined that what he needed to tell me would take
more time than we had right now. I sighed and walked over to my dresser, reachin
g into the top drawer to pull out my nightclothes and toiletries. I dropped them
off in the bathroom before heading downstairs to put back the phone.
"A bunch of us are going to a bonfire at First Beach Saturday," I told Charlie.
"That's okay, right?"
"Are you going with Mike?"
Not this again!
"Mike's driving me there, but we're going with a bunch of people, just as friend
s. Really, Dad, can you drop this whole Mike thing? It's getting old! We. Are. N
ot. Going. Out. If that ever changes, I'll issue a bulletin. But until then, I r
eally don't want to hear it. Okay?"
Charlie looked a bit taken aback.
"Well, I didn't realize you felt so strongly about it."
Ugh! I must have asked him a thousand times to stop! Grrrr.
"I do. I feel very strongly about it. So do we have a deal?"
"Sure, kid," he said reluctantly. "I'll quit pestering you. It's just . . .:"
"I know," I interrupted him. "I know you're worried about me since Edward left a
nd I know you think Mike is a nice guy from a good family. I know all that. But
please, stop."
" All right," he said. "I'll stop. And I'm sorry. Maybe I should have been a lit
tle more sensitive before."
I sighed and leaned over the couch to give him a quick hug.
"It's all right, Dad. Just don't do it any more. I'm going to bed. Goodnight."
"Goodnight, Bells. Sleep well."
I went back upstairs and got ready for bed in the bathroom. I looked down at my
sweat pants and t-shirt. It wasn't exactly a glamorous look. Not something you c
hose to wear when you were competing for the affections of an unbelievably gorge
ous and sexy vampire. I could only imagine the kinds of outfits Alice . . . I st
opped myself mid thought. Of course, Alice never needed to sleep, so any outfits
she wore to bed would have had an entirely different purpose. Images of her lit
tle pixie body clad in every outfit in the Victoria's Secret catalog flooded my
mind. How the heck could I compete with that? Even wearing the very same clothes
it would be no contest, and dressed as I was right now there was absolutely no
hope.
I sat on the edge of the tub and rested my face in my hands, trying hard not to
cry. Jasper said that he was connected to me intellectually and emotionally, and
I just had to believe that this was enough to trump physical attraction. But wo
uld he actually remember that when he came face to face with his beautiful mate?
All I could do was have faith in him and hope for the best. I took a deep breat
h, gathered up my toiletries and day clothes, and headed back to the bedroom. Th
is time, I didn't bother to turn off the lights. We had important things to disc
uss and, at least for the first topic, my need to see him was more important tha
n feeling less self-conscious about my own appearance.
Jasper was sitting on the edge of my bed, waiting for my return. I closed the be
droom door, put away my toiletries in the dresser, threw my dirty clothes into t
he hamper and sat down beside him.
"We need to talk about Mike," I said.
"I know. I'm sorry about earlier. I may have been a little . . . crabby?"
I smiled. "Yeah. Maybe just a bit. But seriously, you know how I feel about you,
Jasper. I think about you all the time! It's quite a distraction, actually. May
be that's why I don't always notice stuff going on around me."
His face clouded.
"I had no idea about the rumors going around school until Angela told me today.
I'm so sorry you had to listen to that all week. You should have told me."
He shook his head. "The rumors weren't your fault and I knew there was no truth
behind them. I didn't want you to feel like you were doing anything wrong, becau
se you weren't. I knew if I told you you'd react exactly like this, like it was
somehow your fault. You need to stop blaming yourself for things other people do
."
"But you were hurting!" I exclaimed. "And maybe there was something I could have
done to stop it. You would have done that for me."
He reached over and covered my hand with his.
"This is enough, Darlin'. To know that you would have tried to stop it if you co
uld is enough. And I already knew that. Besides, I'm not so fragile that the spe
culations of human teenagers can really hurt me."
I sighed. "You weren't so reasonable a few hours ago."
He chuckled. "Well, as you so rightly pointed out, I was thirsty, and frustrated
 about Laurent. And I have to admit, seeing Mike touch you and knowing what he w
as feeling when he did . . ."
"Stop!" I said forcefully. "I really don't want to know what Mike was feeling. T
oo much information. As long as he doesn't act on those feelings I don't care an
d I don't want to know."
"I'm just trying to explain why . . ."
"You don't have to explain. I understand. And I'll try to be more careful, watch
where I'm going."
He swore quietly. "Could you please forget I ever said that? I mean it when I sa
y that none of this is your fault. It's not even the kid's fault," he sighed. "I
mean, who in their right mind wouldn't be thrilled to spend time with you? And
he doesn't know about me so it's not like he's intentionally trying to step on s
omeone else's turf," he stood up and walked a few steps, facing away from me. "I
just wish I was free already, so we could tell everyone about us. I want everyo
ne to know you're mine. Then I'd actually have a reason to crush Newton if he st
arted getting too fresh with you."
"Okay, first of all, he wasn't fresh. He saved me from a fall. And second, you d
on't have to crush anyone."
I walked up to him and placed my hands on his shoulders, pressing my forehead to
his back. "Jasper, you know exactly how I feel about you. There's nothing Mike
or anyone else can do that would make me feel differently. Only one person can m
ake me feel differently about you, and that's you.
"Now, I would be lying if I didn't admit that you being so possessive of me wasn
't flattering in a way, or that jealousy didn't make you extremely sexy."
His back straightened a little at that.
"Yeah?" he asked, surprised, still turned away from me. "Sexy, huh?" his voice s
eemed to drop an octave for the last two words. I giggled.
"Definitely sexy," I confirmed. "But," I turned serious again, "it's also a litt
le scary and totally uncalled for.
"I know things are different in the vampire world. You don't interact with a lot
of other vampires outside of the coven, and within a coven you're pretty much a
ll mated siblings, so there are no inappropriate feelings. But I'm human, surrou
nded by a sea of other humans, many of whom will have feelings about me that are
probably very inappropriate. And if you couldn't feel what they were feeling it
wouldn't matter, because the only thing that matters is what they choose to do
about those feelings.
"Now, I understand why it's difficult for you to ignore these feelings, but you
have to try. Mike is a teenage boy and he's bound to have some inappropriate fee
lings about me and a lot of other girls too, I bet. Humans do that. I'm sure you
've felt some of the inappropriate feelings I've had about you . . . "
He turned around and looked down at me with a small smile that traveled all the
way to his eyes, which suddenly seemed smokier than before.
"I may have felt some things from you, Darlin', but I'm not sure I would have cl
assified them as inappropriate."
Ugh! Sexy melting butter voice was back, and right during a serious conversation
! Stop thinking about the voice. Focus!
"Jasper, listen to me. What I'm saying is that you can't physically threaten eve
ry guy who touches me or who has inappropriate feelings about me. If you do, the
n I won't be able to have any male friends, and that's not fair. I care about yo
u, very much, you know exactly how much, but you can't ask me to give up my frie
nds for you."
For a moment he was lost in thought, considering what I said.
"I'm sorry, Darlin'. You do provoke a strong possessive response in me. I'd like
to think it's all just talk, that I wouldn't actually harm anyone . . ."
"Even the words scare me a little, Jasper," I said quietly.
He was silent a while longer.
"All right. I don't think I can stop feeling jealous and possessive of you, but
I will try not to say anything and I definitely will not harm anyone unless they
're a danger to you. Will that do?"
I smiled. I knew this was the best I could hope for and it was more than I had e
xpected him to commit to tonight.
"That's perfect, Jasper," I said. "And now, will you please explain to me why, e
ven though earlier you wanted to rip his arms off for saving me from some seriou
s pain, you now want me to spend an entire afternoon and evening with Mike Newto
n in the one place where you cannot protect me from Laurent?
Jasper's face turned serious in an instant.
"I think Charlie will make his way upstairs before this conversation is over, so
why don't we turn out the lights and continue this talk in bed?"
Chapter 35: Here (In Your Arms)
My curiosity truly piqued, I walked over to the bed and sat down on one side wit
h my back against the headboard. Jasper frowned slightly.
"Don't you want to get comfortable under the quilt, Darlin'?" he asked.
"Nope. If I lie down I'll be tempted to close my eyes and then I might fall asle
ep, and you said this was serious, so for now I'll just stay right as I am, than
ks."
He shrugged and then nearly instantly turned off the lights and sat beside me. G
iven the limited amount of space on my twin size bed, our shoulders, arms and le
gs were right next to each other, touching.
"So, you were going to tell me why someone who claims to be very possessive and
jealous and won't let me out of his sight because there's a dangerous vampire in
the vicinity, wants me to spend my day at the one place where he can't protect
me, and with another guy to boot."
Jasper sighed. "I know it sounds pretty irrational, but there's a good explanati
on."
"I can't wait to hear it."
"How much do you know about Carlisle's history with the Quileutes?"
I frowned. I knew only what Jacob had told me earlier this year on First Beach a
nd, at the time, I wasn't paying too much attention to any information that didn
't directly involve Edward.
"Do you know about the treaty?" Jasper prompted.
"Yes!" I was happy I remembered something. "Carlisle made a treaty with Jake's g
reat grandfather that as long as the Cullens stayed off the reservation and didn
't hunt humans, the Quileutes would not reveal that the Cullens were vampires."
"That's right. Now, do you know how the Quileutes knew that Carlisle and his cov
en were vampires?"
"Not really. I always assumed the Quileutes saw Carlisle hunting."
"That may well have been the case, but hunting animals is not in and of itself a
suspect activity. Humans hunt animals, after all. Even drinking the blood of th
e animal you hunt is not unheard of in certain cultures, especially the Native A
merican cultures. So our hunting habit would not, in and of itself, reveal us as
anything but human."
I thought about what he said and it made sense. So there had to be another way f
or the Quileutes to know. I tried to concentrate on Jacob's story from last spri
ng, hoping I could retrieve something helpful. I wished I had paid better attent
ion. I was getting really frustrated.
"I'm sorry, Jasper. I just don't remember everything that Jake said. All I can r
emember is something about the tribe descending from wolves."
"Did he mention that it was more than just being descendents of wolves?"
I arched my eyebrow. What was he getting at?
"I'm really not sure. I just don't remember," I thought hard again. A distant me
mory was tugging at me now. Something Jacob had said about The Cold Ones being e
nemies of the wolf. No. Enemies of men who turned into wolves. My eyes opened wi
de at the suddenly clear recollection. "Werewolves!" I exclaimed, "Jacob said hi
s ancestors were werewolves! And that vampires and werewolves were natural enemi
es."
I turned to look at Jasper. His face, pale and slightly luminescent, was easier
to see than the rest of the room, though in the dark even his features took on a
grainier black-and-white movie quality. I was looking for any sign that my infe
rences were wrong, but all I found in his face was confirmation.
"Jasper, are you trying to tell me that Jacob's great grandfather was a werewolf
? That he knew Carlisle and his family were vampires because they were natural e
nemies?" My voice trembled a little. I had a bad feeling that I already knew the
answer, but wasn't really sure I wanted to hear it.
Jasper took my hand and intertwined our fingers, squeezing reassuringly.
"Yes, Bella, Ephraim Black, and other warriors of his tribe, were werewolves."
I gasped. My head was spinning with information that made no sense. My acceptanc
e of the existence of vampires had been easy, almost too easy, but it had taken
up all of my capacity to believe in the world of supernatural beings. There was
no room for werewolves, warlocks, elves, centaurs, unicorns or any other mythica
l creatures. As I started to imagine the possibility of a world populated by the
se mythical others, a world where humans were just one of many, perhaps even a m
inority of species, and certainly the most vulnerable, the sheer terror of my th
oughts overwhelmed me and my breaths started coming in short, uneven bursts.
Jasper released my hand so that he could wrap his arm around me. Then, in one fl
uid movement, he lifted me, shifted his body to the center of the bed and positi
oned me between his now opened legs, his arms wrapped tightly and protectively a
round my midsection, his lips next to my ear whispering calming words of comfort
.
"What is this place, Jasper?" I asked when I finally trusted myself to speak. My
voice still trembled a little. "How is it possible that werewolves and vampires
both existed here, in Forks?"
Jasper sighed.
"I don't have the answers for you, Bella, except to tell you that not everything
in the world is as it seems, and that some human legends really do have basis i
n fact. Many Native American tribes have legends about being descendant from spi
rits of animals. We don't know if any of the other legends are true, but we knew
that back when Carlisle first settled in Forks at least some of the Quileutes h
ad the ability to shift from human to wolf form, and that their wolf form was mu
ch more powerful than that of regular wolves, powerful enough to kill vampires."
I gasped again.
"So that's why Carlisle made the treaty? To make sure the werewolves didn't kill
anyone in his coven?"
"As you know, Carlisle's nature is that of a peace maker, so he probably would h
ave tried to negotiate a treaty even if there was no threat, but I'm sure the po
ssibility of one of his family being injured or killed in a battle with the were
wolves occurred to him and helped him make the decision. And we have all honored
the terms of the treaty ever since, never venturing on Quileute land."
I didn't speak, my mind working furiously to make sense of the information Jaspe
r gave me tonight. It was just too much! Then, just when I thought I couldn't ha
ndle any more, another thought occurred to me. Everything Jasper was telling me
was in the past, but the original conversation was about the bonfire at First Be
ach Saturday. And suddenly I knew that the old stories were not confined to the
past. That somehow the past had seeped into my modern day life once again.
"So what does all this have to do with Saturday and Mike?"
Jasper growled menacingly and then immediately apologized when he felt my shiver
of fear.
"I'm so sorry, Darlin'," he whispered. "I'm going to work on that, but it might
take me a little while to develop sufficient control."
I nodded. "It's okay, Jasper," I said, "I know it must be difficult for you to h
ave to suppress yet another instinct."
Jasper let out a heavy sigh. Then, pressing his nose against my hair, he inhaled
deeply and sighed again. He inhaled once more, this time emitting a low, satisf
ied purr. "It's a constant struggle," he finally admitted, "but you're worth it.
"
I melted against him, pressing my back even closer to his chest and moving my he
ad slightly so that our cheeks brushed against one another, provoking a heavy si
gh of my own. I closed my eyes, reveling in the sensations that were taking over
my body which, I was certain, was slowly liquefying. My previous feelings of te
rror were momentarily forgotten as I became awash in pure deliciousness and my i
magination was flooded with images of Jasper's hands, shifting from their comfor
ting position around my stomach to explore the rest of my body, his cool fingers
touching and teasing.
I heard him groan behind me.
"Darlin' . . ." his voice was strained and pleading as he loosened his hold and
shifted my body, still keeping me in front of him but leaving a distance between
us. "Bella, have mercy, please. I don't know how much self control I actually h
ave, but we're pushing at the limits, and I know we're nowhere near ready for th
e consequences if I were to lose it. I can't believe I'm even asking this, but m
ay I please . . ." he hesitated, and I could tell it was taking a lot out of him
to vocalize the question, "May I please try to calm you a little?"
I stiffened. I couldn't believe I had been so selfish, so self-absorbed in my ow
n fantasies that I completely failed to consider the effect my feelings would ha
ve on him. My complete mortification effectively extinguished all inappropriatel
y lustful thoughts and feelings.
"I think . . ." I spoke cautiously, trying to ensure the accuracy of my statemen
t before I even said it, "I think I got it, Jasper. I'm okay now. I am so sorry.
I wasn't thinking. And if you still need to . . . of course you should."
I wanted desperately to look back at him, but I couldn't look him in the eye. I
had been in this position before: the much too overeager human testing the self
control of a vampire. It seemed some things never changed.
"You don't have to apologize, Bella. It's all right. It's just that whatever it
was you were thinking about made you release really powerful emotions, and when
those combined with what I was already feeling, it was, well, it was a little ov
erwhelming. But I'm fine now. The control is back. Apparently both yours and min
e," He chuckled, then stopped abruptly. "Charlie is about to come upstairs. Mayb
e you should lie down, just in case?"
He shifted from behind me, got up and walked to stand behind the door. I slipped
under my quilt and pretended to sleep. I forced myself to breathe evenly as I w
aited to see if Charlie would check on me before he went to bed. After a few min
utes, Jasper came back to sit on the bed beside me. "Guess he wasn't too worried
about you tonight," he said.
"Good," I sat up again. "Now maybe you can finally tell me what werewolves have
to do with Mike."
He looked a bit pained.
"Saturday night, after I dropped you off at your house, I went hunting."
"Do you do that every night?" I asked, suddenly curious.
"Most nights. I try to hunt nightly because of the training, so I'm not thirsty
during the day. Plus, the hunt gets out some of my natural aggression. It's been
beneficial.
"Anyway, as I was saying, Saturday night I was hunting and I ran into a strange
scent. I followed it to the Quileute border and that's when I saw them, a pack o
f 4 werewolves."
I gasped and looked at him in alarm. Did he really just tell me, cool as a cucum
ber, that a few days ago he ran into a pack of his only natural enemies? A pack
of 4 werewolves? Just a few miles away from Forks?
"You just followed a strange scent alone? What if they'd attacked you? Hurt you?
"
"Bella," he sighed, "I wish you'd have a little more faith in me. I didn't exact
ly walk into the situation blind. Believe me, I thoroughly evaluated the danger
before I proceeded. Even without any battle skills, my ability to control their
moods would have been sufficient to keep me safe. When I saw them I simply assur
ed them that I intended to comply with the treaty and their pack leader indicate
d that they would do the same.
"After I saw the werewolves, I continued with my hunt and came across Laurent's
scent. And then I had no time to do anything else – my sole focus was to get over
here and make sure you were safe. Once I got here and made certain that the hous
e was secure, I had a lot of time to think. I knew you were planning to go to La
Push for brunch, and I seriously considered asking you to change your plans, to
pretend to get sick or do anything to get out of going to the one place where I
 could not follow. But then I realized that the reservation was actually a very
safe place for you. The werewolves guard the reservation against vampires. So I
knew that even thought I couldn't be with you, you would be protected in La Push
."
"And that's why you told me to see Jake tonight?" I was finally starting to unde
rstand.
"Yes, Darlin'," he reached for my hand, lifted it to his lips and kissed the top
. He didn't let go as he continued to speak. "I was desperate to see you, but I
couldn't risk it without hunting first, and I could not leave you unprotected to
hunt. So the only solution was to send you back to La Push. I'm sorry I couldn'
t explain before, but I figured I needed to deliver this sort of information in
person."
I leaned over to rest my head on his shoulder. There were werewolves at La Push.
Werewolves who, apparently, were no threat to me, and who would keep me safe fr
om Laurent. Werewolves who, given half the chance, would love to sink their teet
h into Jasper. I shuddered. Then another alarming question occurred to me.
"If Jacob's great-grandfather was a werewolf, is Jake a werewolf too?"
Jasper frowned. "I don't think so. I can't be sure, of course, because we don't
really know how the whole werewolf thing works. Until I saw them Saturday night,
we had all assumed the werewolves died with Ephraim Black and his contemporarie
s. But you said you and Jake talked about me and his biggest concern was that I
was Edward's brother and wasn't single. I have to believe that if he were a were
wolf and knew I was a Vampire, those other concerns would be inconsequential com
pared with the concern about my true nature."
Relief flooded through me. I didn't know if I could handle having a werewolf as
a best friend. And then I was afraid again. Afraid for Jasper. He must have sens
ed it, because he responded immediately.
"It's all right, Bella. As long as I respect the treaty there is nothing for me
to fear from the werewolves. And if Laurent steps foot on the reservation they m
ight actually do me a favor by killing him. Werewolves are dangerous when they s
hift from human to wolf form, but as long as you're not near one as he's phasing
, you should be fine. And I don't expect any of them will be phasing in public.
I don't think they want strangers to know about them any more than we want peopl
e to know about us."
"So Saturday you're sending me to La Push so you can hunt again?"
"In a manner of speaking." He kissed my hand again and turned to look into my ey
es. Even in the near darkness his gold eyes sparkled. "Last Sunday I promised yo
u I would call in Emmett if I didn't take care of the Laurent situation in a wee
k. My time is up Saturday night and, so far, the coward has refused to come to m
e. So Saturday, while you're at La Push, I will find him and finish this once an
d for all."
I shuddered again.
"Darlin'," he chastised, "Where is all that confidence you used to have in me? I
thrived on that. I still need that."
I looked back into his eyes and turned towards him, placing my free hand on his
cheek.
"Just because I worry about you doesn't mean that I don't have faith and confide
nce in you," I said. "I just don't want you to get hurt defending me."
"I'll be fine, Bella, I promise. I don't take unnecessary chances. I have a very
important reason to stay safe – my future with you."
I blushed. Sometimes the things he said were almost enough to really make me hop
e and believe. But then I remembered how dangerous that was and how vulnerable i
t made me, and the realist in me took over.
I glanced at the clock and realized that it was quite late. I yawned. I knew I w
ould pay the price tomorrow, but I wasn't ready to give up my time with Jasper y
et. However, I decided that there was no harm in lying down, so I slid my body d
own the bed. He followed my lead and lay down beside me.
"I'm really glad you hunted tonight," I whispered. "I was going crazy from not b
eing able to see you and touch you."
He turned to lie on his left side and started moving his right hand up and down
my right arm.
"I know, Darlin'. I felt the same way. You're gorgeous from afar, of course, but
nothing compares to being next to you, feeling the warmth of your skin, smellin
g the sweet air you exhale as you whisper. I can never get enough of you, Bella.
You're absolutely perfect."
I sighed and turned to my side, facing away from him. He knew exactly what to sa
y to make me feel good, but allowing myself to believe him was far too dangerous
. Images of Alice on the Victoria's Secret runway flashed again in my brain.
I felt Jasper move closer to me, fitting his body around mine.
"You're wrong, you know," Jasper said as he continued to run his fingers lightly
up and down my arm.
"Wrong about what?" I asked.
"Wrong to feel inferior in any way. Wrong to feel like you can't compete. Wrong
to feel unattractive."
"What. . ." my voice broke. "What are you talking about?"
"I sensed all those feelings earlier when you were in the bathroom and I know yo
u're starting to feel the same way again. I'm sorry if it seems like I'm spying
on you, but I can't help noticing."
I sighed. "It's okay, Jasper. I know I can't hide these kinds of things from you
."
"Well, for once I'm glad I know what you're feeling and that I'm here, because I
can assure you that you have nothing to worry about. You don't need to compete
with anyone. You've already won, at least when it comes to me. I find you absolu
tely amazing in every possible way."
"Jasper," I complained, "I know we have some things in common and you like talki
ng and spending time with me, but I'm just an average human girl."
Jasper growled.
"There is nothing average about you. I can't think of anyone more remarkable tha
n you."
I sighed again. I appreciated what he was saying, but I knew Alice, and I knew I
just didn't measure up. Jasper growled again.
"Bella, I'm not Edward. I've been around longer and I am far more experienced. I
n some ways I wish I wasn't, because I know you would feel more comfortable if w
e were on a more even footing, but then I know some day we'll both appreciate ho
w helpful my experience will be,"
I blushed at the suggestive nature of his statement, but I couldn't deny that a
part of me was absolutely thrilled by the implication.
"But believe me, Darlin'," he continued, "no woman, human or vampire, has ever d
one what you do to me without even trying."
I couldn't help snorting in disbelief at his last statement. I was the most inex
perienced, the most innocent human around. I was 18 and had never even been kiss
ed by someone of my own species. My chaste kisses with Edward had been the exten
t of my experience. What could someone like me possibly do to someone like Jaspe
r?
His hand stopped moving and his fingers curled around my upper arm.
"Damn it, Bella, why aren't you listening to me? Why don't you believe me?" He s
ounded so frustrated. I didn't know how to respond, didn't know how to make myse
lf believe things that were impossible.
"Oh, hell," he said suddenly, snaking his arm around my waist and pulling me tig
ht against him. "Do you feel that, little girl?" he hissed. "That's what you do
to me without even trying!"
I gasped in surprise at his actions and then gasped again as I felt and fully un
derstood what he meant. I pulled away as quickly as I could, knowing that my fac
e, neck and probably the rest of my body were quickly being covered with a fierc
e blush.
"Jasper!" I exclaimed.
He had pulled away from me as well, as much as my small bed would allow.
"I know, I know," his voice was filled with remorse. "That was completely improp
er and offensive. I'm sorry. It's just that you weren't listening to anything I
said and I thought maybe if I showed you. . . But that was wrong. I know it was
wrong . . . Do you want me to leave?"
I turned around, careful to focus my eyes on his face and not let them wonder do
wnward.
"No," I said. "Of course I don't want you to leave. And I'm sorry if being aroun
d me causes you . . . discomfort."
He groaned at my choice of words.
"Like I said before, you're worth it."
"I didn't realize, Jasper. I probably should have, but I've never, you know, I j
ust don't have enough experience . . . I never thought . . ."
"I know, Darlin'. And there's no reason why you should have even thought about i
t. I'm too damn old to be reacting like this, like a freakin' teenager. I should
be more in control. But that is the effect you have on me. You and only you."
I felt absolutely awful for making him feel like he wasn't in control in any way
. My face must have betrayed some of my guilt.
"Don't worry about it, Bella. Don't worry about me. I can handle it. And I can w
ait until the time is right for us. Until you're ready. But I hate it when you'r
e insecure, when you doubt yourself, when you question your exceptional qualitie
s. . ."
I buried my face in my pillow. When he said it like that, I sounded like quite t
he basket case. And I wasn't. Not really. Except when it came to him, and Alice
and vampires in general. But what human could measure herself against the beauti
ful immortals and come out ahead?
I felt him stroking my hair, his fingers weaving themselves in on upward strokes
and curling on the way down. I really loved this sensation. I turned my head sl
ightly, so I could see him out of the corner of my left eye.
"I don't think that I will ever be completely secure until I know you've seen Al
ice and that your relationship is over. Because even if I let myself believe eve
rything you say, I know things may change once you actually see her. Alice is so
wonderful and she loves you so much. How will you be able to resist that?"
I saw his lips open in response but I shook my head.
"Don't say anything, Jasper. It won't make a difference. This cannot be resolved
with words, only time. For now, I just want to focus on being with you for as l
ong as I have you, okay?"
He nodded and pulled closer to me again. I turned onto my left side and we resum
ed our previous position, his right arm wrapped possessively around me.
"Good night, Jasper," I murmured, suddenly extremely sleepy.
"Good night, Darlin'," he said, his lips brushing my ear. As I drifted off to sl
eep, I heard the faint sounds of a new lullaby.
Don't ask me
What you know is true
Don't have to tell you
I love your precious heart
I . . . . . . . I was standing
You were there
Two worlds collided
And they could never tear us apart
Chapter 36: Cry Wolf
I woke up the next morning to the feel of Jasper hovering above me, his nose mov
ing slowly against mine in a sweet Eskimo kiss. Prince Charming and Sleeping Bea
uty had nothing on us! It may not have been a real kiss, but it was a marvelous
way to start the day.
As soon as he realized I was awake Jasper moved back to rest on the bed beside m
e.
"Good morning, sleepyhead. Time to go to school."
I groaned. After staying up too late last night I was tired, and with Jasper bes
ide me the last thing I wanted to do was go to school. I turned to the right to
look at him.
"Maybe I could skip school today?"
He chuckled. "What happened to the good girl Bella Swan, the police chief's daug
hter? I can't believe she would ever even think about ditching school. Besides,
how long do you think it would take the school to call and alert Charlie if you
actually did skip?"
He was right and he knew it. I really didn't have any options. With an exaggerat
ed sigh, I threw off the quilt and got out of bed, padding over to my dresser to
take out something to wear and my toiletries.
"Well, I'm off to have a human moment or two," I said as I turned around, "Will
you be here when I get back?"
He was sitting on the edge of my bed, still wearing the all-black outfit from la
st night that made him look so dangerously sexy.
"Charlie's gone already, so I thought I'd stay and drive part of the way to scho
ol with you," he said. "Is that okay?"
"Of course that's okay! It's better than just okay," I smiled. If only every mor
ning could be this good!
I took a couple of steps towards him, placed my hands on his shoulders and pushe
d with the entire force of my body. Still, I knew it wasn't really my strength o
r weight, but rather his willingness to play along that caused him to fall back
onto the bed, with me hovering above him. Mimicking one of his favorite moves, I
pressed my nose against his skin at the point of the V-neck opening of his shir
t, inhaling as I moved up over his collar bone, the hard muscle of his neck, the
hinge of his jaw bone and up to his ear. As usual, his intensely masculine and
unique scent was absolutely heavenly. When I was even with his ear, I exhaled so
ftly through my lips, directing the air across his skin, then inhaled though my
nose and whispered "Having you here all morning is fabulous."
I gasped as he wrapped his right arm around me and flipped us over while moving
us up on the bed, so that I was lying down fully and he was now the one hovering
above me, just as he was when I first woke up. He lowered his head so that the
tips of our noses were touching, our eyes locked together. "You're playing with
fire this morning, Darlin'," he said softly. "As you already know, when it comes
to you my self-control is rather limited. You really shouldn't try to be my Sir
en. You're not nearly as well protected."
I swallowed at his implication. "I trust you."
"I know you do, Bella. I just hope your trust isn't misplaced."
I turned my head from left to right and then back again, stealing another Eskimo
kiss. "It doesn't seem to be this morning," I pointed out. "You're doing just f
ine."
With a groan he pushed himself back up to a sitting position beside me. "No than
ks to you."
I laughed, feeling slightly guilty, but mostly a little smug and heady with powe
r. As often as his actions had elicited strong physical responses from me, it fe
lt great to finally turn the tables. Still, I had probably pushed far enough. Pl
us, it was really getting late. I rolled off the bed again, grabbed my clothes a
nd toiletries and headed for the bathroom.
"I'll be waiting for you downstairs," I heard him say as I was closing the bathr
oom door.
I went through my morning routine as quickly as possible, grabbed my book bag an
d headed downstairs, where I downed a quick glass of orange juice and snagged a
granola bar to eat in the car on the way to school. I wished I could stop time t
o spend just a little bit longer with Jasper, but not having any super powers, I
had to resign myself to the reality that our interlude together was almost over
. Before we left the house he pulled me into one last prolonged hug. And then we
were driving and I was dropping him off a few blocks away from the school parki
ng lot, and my wonderful morning came to a grinding halt.
After such a great beginning, the rest of Friday seemed to drag interminably. Ev
eryone at school was excited about the next day's bonfire, but all I could think
about was the danger Jasper would be in, hunting Laurent while we were having f
un. I understood why I had to go, of course, but it was impossible to work up th
e appropriate level of enthusiasm.
Things between Mike and me were strained too. Everything was fine on the surface
, but our interaction was a little less than natural. Things simply felt forced.
 He no longer threw his arm casually around my shoulder as we walked together be
tween classes and at lunch he waited until both seats next to me were taken befo
re joining our table. I was paying more attention now, and I could tell that oth
ers took notice. There seemed to be quite a few low, speculative conversations b
y various groups of people, all sneaking glances in our direction. In a way I wa
s glad. As Jake pointed out, this needed to happen for the good of all involved.
But on some level I felt sadness too. Back when I was oblivious to all the goss
ip and thought that Mike and I were simply good friends, I enjoyed my time in sc
hool so much more. He had really made my days manageable. Now it was like someth
ing vital had been ripped away again. The reasonable part of me knew it had to b
e that way, but another part wanted to go back to a time when I was clueless, bu
t happier.
I had no afternoon plans, but I had plenty to do at home, so I didn't mind. Firs
t, I gave the house a good scrubbing while doing several loads of laundry. I'd b
een neglecting housework to spend more time with Jasper and, while Charlie didn'
t seem to notice, it had been bothering me a bit, so this forced time at home ac
tually worked in my favor. I was done cleaning by the time Charlie came home and
we had dinner together in the kitchen, before he retired to watch TV and I went
upstairs to work on my history assignment. We were studying ancient cultures an
d had to design a marketing brochure for one of the Greek City States. The assig
nment was to market the City State to a particular audience. I had to admit it w
as a unique and interesting project, but one that would take quite a bit of time
, especially using my decrepit computer and dial-up connection. Now that my sche
dule was so unpredictable, I figured I had better get as much of a head start as
I could.
I went to bed a little early, tired from staying up the night before. I called J
asper and we talked about our respective days. He still sounded frustrated at La
urent's absence, but I could tell he was looking forward to his hunt Saturday. H
e seemed absolutely convinced that he would be able to track and deal with Laure
nt while I was at First Beach. As much as I wanted him to be right, I was still
very concerned about the confrontation. I accepted the fact that Jasper was a sk
illed fighter and a careful planner and strategist, but this only minimized the
risk. It didn't eliminate it. And as long as there was some risk that Jasper wou
ld be hurt, I couldn't help but worry.
Saturday morning I slept in for a change. By the time I went downstairs to have
breakfast, Charlie was already gone for his weekly fishing excursion with Billy.
I grabbed a bowl of cereal for breakfast and ate in the back yard, while talkin
g to Jasper. I couldn't see him, of course, but he could see me, and just knowin
g that he was out there nearby while we talked made me feel better. I really wis
hed I could see him before I left for the bonfire, but since he hadn't hunted fo
r a couple of days, he didn't trust himself to be around me. I assured him that
he would be fine, and I was certain he would have been, but I was unable to conv
ince him.
After breakfast I called Jake to make sure he was going to be at the bonfire. I
gave him an update on the situation with Mike and warned him not to freak out th
at Mike would be the one driving me to and from First Beach.
"He's been fine, Jake, so I don't think it will be a problem, but maybe you coul
d just keep an eye out? Help me out if it looks like I need it?"
"Sure thing, Bells. It's never a hardship keeping an eye on you," I could almost
feel him winking at me thought the phone and I giggled in response.
"Behave, you incorrigible flirt! There'll be plenty of girls there for you to la
vish your attention on who will actually appreciate it."
"Wow, Bella, you sure know how to cut a guy down. I mean, I know you've got more
guys interested in you than you can handle right now, but you don't have to be
so dismissive."
I rolled my eyes, hoping he could "see" that as clearly as I "saw" his wink, and
laughed. "If I thought for one second that you were being serious I might be a
little more sensitive, but as it is I know you're just being a pain. Plus, I kno
w you've got thick skin and an even thicker skull and nothing I say is actually
going to hurt you."
Jake let out a short bark of a laugh and we hung up, promising to tease each oth
er mercilessly later. The conversation put me in a good mood and I actually enjo
yed the rest of my morning and early afternoon as I worked on various school ass
ignments. As three o'clock approached, however, I started getting more and more
worried. By 2:30 I was dressed and ready to go, nervously pacing the living room
as I waited for Mike.
My cell phone buzzed and I knew Jasper had felt my tension and was calling to tr
y to calm me down.
"I'm sorry, but I can't stop worrying about you," I said tersely.
"Darlin'," he said patiently, "you're being unreasonable. Today is no different
than any other day this week. Laurent could have shown up at any time. There is
no additional danger."
I sighed. I knew theoretically he was right, but in my mind there was a differen
ce between waiting to confront Laurent from a well defended position and seeking
him out where he could have the element of surprise on his side.
"Bella, you're stressing out for nothing, really. This is a good thing. At least
this way he won't be anywhere near Forks. If I manage to find him and confront
him, wouldn't you rather that happen far away from the local human population?"
I had to give him that point. I certainly did not want Laurent near anyone who l
ived in Forks.
"Now, before Mike arrives, can I ask you one favor? When you spoke with him Thur
sday night he mentioned hiking today. I'd really prefer you not go into the wood
s, even with a group of people. I don't know how the werewolves work or how many
there are, but chances are they will have someone keeping an eye on First Beach
. However, they may not have enough members to send lookouts with the hikers as
well as keeping someone on the beach and running border patrols."
I shivered at his words. Based on our conversation Thursday night I assumed ever
yone at La Push would be safe from vampire attacks, but I now realized how fooli
sh that assumption was. With so many more people milling about on the reservatio
n, naturally defenses would be spread thin. I was glad Jasper warned me to stay
on the beach, but now I wanted to stop everyone else from hiking as well. I knew
Laurent was looking for me specifically, but if he was thirsty and ran across s
ome of my friends? I just had to hope that he wasn't in Forks to hunt anyone but
me. It was a surreal hope, to say the least.
"I promise I'll stay on the beach, Jasper."
"Thank you, Darlin'. It will help me to know you're taking every precaution whil
e there."
"Okay, I'll do my best, but you take every precaution too. Don't do anything stu
pid or too risky just because you don't really want to call Emmett for help. Dea
l?"
"Yes, Bella, it's a deal. Now, Mike is about 2 blocks away. Time to put away the
phone. Call me before you leave the reservation tonight. If I still haven't fou
nd Laurent by then I want to be able to follow you home."
My throat tightened. What if something happened and this was our last goodbye?
"I'll see you soon, Darlin'. Trust me, I'll see you soon."
I swallowed as much of my fear and anxiety as I could.
"See you soon, Jasper." I closed the phone and packed it away in my bag just as
the doorbell rang.
"Hey, Bella," Mike said after I opened the door. "Ready to go?"
"Yeah," I slung my bag over my shoulder and walked out of the house, locking the
door behind me. I got into the passenger seat and buckled in as Mike closed the
door and got in on the driver's side. He seemed happier today that yesterday, a
nd that alone put me more at ease. He turned to me with a wide smile.
"So, ready to have some fun on the beach?"
I suppose I could have read more into that if I wanted, but I didn't get a sense
that it was anything other than a straightforward question, so I just said "Let
's go," and we were on our way.
The drive to First Beach was uneventful. Mike and I mainly talked about the soci
al studies assignment, which he apparently worked on the previous night as well.
I was surprised to hear that. I would have imagined a popular guy like him woul
d have been out on a Friday night, but then I knew he wasn't dating anyone, and
knowing that we were all going to be busy today maybe a lot of people stayed hom
e to finish their homework last night. In any case, I was glad not to feel like
the only nerd of our group, if the subject ever came up.
When we got to First Beach Mike called Tyler and Eric over and the three of them
got some rather large coolers and a grill out of the suburban. Mike reached to
the back and got out a few blankets and tarps. I grabbed those and we all walked
to the beach with our gear.
"You didn't tell me we were supposed to bring stuff," I said to Mike, a bit of a
ccusation in my voice because now I felt like a freeloader who didn't contribute
anything to the gathering.
"Hey, it's no big deal. I mean, my parents have all this equipment because of th
e store, you know. And I always try to spring for a lot of the food and stuff – I
save up my allowance. It's easier for me than for a lot of the others." He was c
learly embarrassed, looking down at the ground as we walked. I realized that he
wasn't always comfortable with being one of the wealthier kids in the school, an
d I found it sweet and endearing.
"Well, I could have made a potato salad or cole slaw or something," I grumbled,
but my voice was no longer resentful, "I'm actually a pretty good cook."
He turned his head slightly and looked at me from the corner of his eye.
"Sorry I didn't say anything, then. I bet your potato salad would have been bett
er than the stuff I picked up at the store. Maybe next time? I'd really love to
try it. Or any of your cooking, for that matter." He was embarrassed again, back
to looking at the ground, like he'd said too much.
And maybe he had said too much. Inviting him over for a home cooked meal? That h
ad a lot of implications that were beyond the friendship stage where I needed ou
r relationship to be. "Maybe next time," I said. I figured the next bonfire woul
d be in the spring and by then everything would be different.
We greeted the few people who were already there and the boys set up the coolers
and grill in an area where others had already set up a make-shift mess hall ten
t. This was Forks, after all, and we had to be prepared for the weather. I sprea
d out tarps on the sand near the temporary fire pit built out of loose rocks and
covered the tarps with a couple of blankets, keeping other blankets in their pl
astic protectors. I guessed that even with the fire we would need those after da
rk, when the temperature dropped. Until then, it was a good idea to keep them pr
otected from the elements. As I was working I saw Mike jog back to his car and w
heel back a pretty impressive looking music system. I walked over to him just as
he was setting it up and plugging in his iPod.
"What is this thing?" I asked.
"It's a party machine on wheels," he said, laughing. "It's an outdoor iPod docki
ng station and a karaoke machine, just in case anyone wants to get really crazy
later tonight. Do you sing?"
I scrunched my face in a frown "Usually only under the threat of torture. Do you
?"
He looked down, adjusting something on the machine. "Sometimes," he muttered.
He stood up and we joined the rest of the growing crowd. Ben and Angela had arri
ved and I greeted both of them with hugs. Jessica and Lauren were there as well,
along with a bunch of other kids from school. Then, from the edge of the forest
I saw Jake walking over with another boy. I squealed and headed over in his dir
ection. I would have run, but I was afraid of stumbling on a rock or root and fa
lling flat on my face, so instead I just walked as quickly as I could. The slowe
r pace gave me a little more time to enjoy the view. Jake and his friend were wa
y too young for me, but I had to admit they were really good looking and buff. B
oth were wearing jeans and dark T-shirts that stretched impressively over their
well developed chests and arms. Jake's long hair hung loose around his face on o
ne side, tucked behind his ear on the other. The other boy's dark hair was close
ly cropped, a style that suited his open face. I could only imagine how these tw
o would be ogled by the girls from Forks. The boys in our school were nice and s
ome were even very good looking, but none had anything in the physique territory
that compared to these two.
When I finally reached Jake I moved to hug him in greeting. He wrapped one arm a
round my mid-back and swung me around in a circle, laughing at my surprise.
"Put me down, you brute," I said, laughing. He set me back down on the ground. I
saw the other boy raise an eyebrow at our display. Jake didn't appear to notice
.
"Bella, this is Quil, one of my best friends. Quil, this is Bella Swan."
"Chief Swan's daughter, right?" Quil said, holding out his hand. "I'm Quil Atear
a."
I shook his offered hand. His grasp was surprisingly firm and warm. "That's righ
t," I confirmed. "Nice to meet you, Quil. Jake's told me a lot about you," I sai
d with a smile as he released my hand.
Some of his swagger disappeared and he became a little flustered.
"Um, nice to meet you too. Wish I could say Jacob's told me a lot about you, but
he apparently likes to keep secrets."
Jake looked at him with surprise and speculation.
"There's nothing to tell. Bella's like one of my sisters and I don't talk to you
about them either."
Quil's smile returned. "Like one of your sisters, huh? Sorry, bro, but maybe you
should have mentioned the really good looking sister."
I blushed and looked away. Was this boy actually trying to flirt with me right i
n front of Jake? I saw Jake punch Quil in the ribs, playfully, but not softly. A
painful grimace briefly covered Quil's face.
"Watch your mouth, Quil. I know how you think and I wouldn't let you near any of
my sisters."
I decided it was time to put a stop to this and re-join the others.
"Okay, boys, enough of the juvenile humor. Let me introduce you to my friends."
We started walking back to the group. I saw Mike watching us speculatively and,
even from the distance, I could tell he was frowning.
"Looks like Mike's a little put out," Jake said, softly enough so that Quil woul
dn't hear.
"He'll be fine," I responded quietly, but I was frowning as well. I hoped that I
was right, but I wasn't entirely convinced.
We finally reached the rest of the group and I went through the introductions. W
e were also joined by other kids from Forks and La Push. Mike, Tyler and Eric ma
nned the grills and we started taking turns eating as the hamburgers and hot dog
s became available. Feeling a little guilty, I drifted over to Mike's side and k
ept him company while he grilled. We worked together. As one batch of food was r
eady I took the platters out to the others and brought him a new batch to grill
from the coolers. I could tell by the smile on his face that this interaction pl
eased him, and since all we had time for was a little meaningless banter, I didn
't think there was any harm in it. Finally, after everyone had eaten, Mike turne
d off the grill and grabbed the food I made sure to set aside for him from the l
ast prepared batch.
"You're pretty good at this, Swan," he said as he finished his burger. "We make
a great team. We should open a restaurant or something. You make the potato sala
d and I'll grill."
I couldn't help laughing.
"Right, a short order cook, I'm sure that's exactly the future your folks would
want for you."
"Maybe not," he said with a smile, "but they do want to see me happy. And I have
a feeling I'd be pretty happy with that arrangement."
I looked away, forcing the smile to stay on my lips even though all feeling of m
irth was now gone.
"Yeah, well, I think the restaurant business is a little too risky for me, so I'
ll go the college and career route."
Mike knew he had overstepped the invisible boundary I tried to set up between us
. He didn't apologize, but didn't say anything else as he kept eating. With the
situation more tense between us, I took the opportunity to drift towards the res
t of the group when he got up to throw away his plate.
A group of people were getting ready to go hiking and asked Mike to come along a
s he approached.
"Sure, sounds great," he said. "Bella, you coming?" I knew he had expected me to
say yes based on my willingness to go hiking in the spring, but today was diffe
rent. Even if Jasper hadn't specifically asked me not to go, I might have opted
to stay on the beach just to put a little distance between me and Mike.
"No, thanks. I don't think I'm up for it today. I'll just hang out on the beach.
"
"I can stay and keep you company," he said. I could see he was trying to find a
graceful way to back out of the hike.
"It's okay, Mike. You go and enjoy the hike. There's plenty to do here to keep m
e busy."
"I'm not going hiking, so I can keep you from getting bored," Quil volunteered.
I laughed. Mike scowled, but clearly couldn't find a good enough excuse to stay
without being too obvious, so he turned and followed the group of hikers, his sh
oulders stiff with tension.
Jake stayed behind as well, so after the hiking group left the three of us settl
ed on the blankets and talked about the usual topics that made up small talk: sc
hool music, hobbies. There were fewer people on the beach now, and as I looked a
round I saw one Quileute boy sitting off to the side by himself, not socializing
with any of the others.
"Who's that?" I asked Jake, pointing my chin in the boy's direction. Jake scowle
d.
"That's Embry," he said bitterly.
I remembered what he told me about Embry Thursday night. Still, I found it odd t
hat Embry wouldn't have joined us now. It's not like any of his other friends we
re around.
"Why is he sitting there all alone? Should we ask him to join us?"
Quil shook his head.
"He doesn't want to have anything to do with us anymore, now that he's so tight
with Sam, Paul and Jared. It's like he's too good for us, or something. It's wei
rd. Maybe they have some sort of an alternative lifestyle thing going between th
e four of them. I mean, they're always together, always showing up without their
shirts on," he sniggered. "Jared went off with the hikers, so maybe he and Embr
y had a lover's spat and Embry's pouting."
"Shut up, Quil," Jake said darkly. "That's not funny. He's still our friend."
"Really? He's said two words to you lately, then? Cause he won't even look at me
long enough to say hey. With friends like that . . ." Quil's voice trailed off.
Jake's eyes were on the sand next to the blanket.
The conversation at a standstill, things were becoming as strained here as betwe
en me and Mike. Desperate to change subjects, I looked up and noticed the gorgeo
us sunset. I elbowed each of the guys.
"Check that out. It's so beautiful," the two of them looked up obediently.
"Hard to notice anything as ordinary as a sunset with you sitting here," Quil sa
id.
I cringed at the obvious pick-up line.
"Knock it off, Quil, I'm warning you," Jake said.
I noticed his body was starting to quiver with anger. I placed my hand on his ar
m to calm him and was shocked to feel how burning hot his skin felt.
"Are you feeling okay, Jake? I think you have a fever."
"I'm feeling a little odd," he admitted, "nothing serious, though."
I was concerned. "Should we get you to a doctor?"
"Don't be ridiculous, Bella," he scoffed. "I'm fine."
The sun had disappeared and it was rapidly getting dark. I saw the hikers coming
back. Mike was frowning again, undoubtedly at the sight of me sitting with Quil
and Jake with my hand on Jake's arm. Oh, well. Jake was a friend and Mike would
just have to get used to it.
Now that the whole group was re-assembled everyone quickly gathered the wood for
the bonfire and lit it up. Mike headed off to the entertainment system.
"Karaoke, anyone?" he yelled. Several guys groaned while the girls squealed in d
elight and ran up to Mike with their requests. The night exploded with sounds of
 Karaoke standards of 'Hey Mickey', 'Hit Me Baby, One More Time,' and 'I Kissed
a Girl'. Jessica and Angela came over to us and pulled me off the blanket, giggl
ing.
"Come on, Bella. We've got the perfect song for us to sing."
I groaned, but followed them obediently, throwing a terrified look over my shoul
der at Jake, who was grinning wide for a change. I groaned even louder when I he
ard the opening piano music, but went along anyway, singing
At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong, and I learned how to get along
The song was such a classic anthem that despite our incredibly poor performance
everyone was getting into it. From the corner of my eye I saw Mike smiling again
, clapping in time with the music as we belted out the lyrics. The whole beach e
xploded into raucous applause when we were finished. The three of us bowed, then
ran to the coolers to get some water to soothe our throats, hoarse from nearly
screaming out the chorus.
I took my water back to the blanket and settle myself down again between Jake an
d Quil.
"Didn't know you had it in ya," Jake teased.
"Neither did I," I laughed. "It felt good, though." And it had. I realized that
with that song I finally let Edward go completely. I did survive, and it felt da
mn good!
"Geez, he's about as subtle as a ton of bricks," I heard Jake say. I looked over
and saw that Mike had picked up the microphone and was singing. I strained to h
ear the lyrics.
Everyone knows it's meant to be
Falling in love, just you and me
'til the end of time
'til I'm on her mind
It'll happen
I've been making lots of plans
Like a picket fence and a rose garden
I just keep on dreaming
But it's cool cause we're just friends
"Oh shit," I muttered as I recognized the song. My face was burning. I didn't th
ink there was anyone on the beach who couldn't figure out why Mike had chosen th
is particular song to sing or whom he was singing it to.
"I'm gonna go have a talk with him," Jake said menacingly, quivering again.
"No, Jake, wait." I said as placed a restraining hand on him again, once more no
ticing he was burning up. "Let me talk to him first. Maybe the song I sang gave
him the wrong impression."
Jake scowled, but he seemed to calm down some. Out of the corner of my eye I saw
that Embry and another Quileute boy had gotten up and were moving closer to our
blanket, watching Jake with concerned expressions. Then Mike's song was over an
d I saw him walking towards us. He scowled when he saw my hand on Jake's arm.
"So, Bella, I thought maybe if you're done babysitting for the night you can com
e and hang out with the rest of us seniors?" he said, not even trying to hide hi
s rudeness.
Then everything happened in a blink of an eye. Jake launched himself up and at M
ike before I could do anything, his whole body undulating with anger. At the sam
e time Embry and Jared jumped at him, each boy grabbing him underneath one arm a
nd pulling him away towards the forest.
"Come on, man, you're not feeling well. We'll take you home," I heard Embry say,
though I felt it was more for our benefit than Jake's.
And then, just like that, they were gone. The rest of us looked around in confus
ion. No one could make sense of what had just happened. I realized I was shaking
. I looked at Quil and saw that he was just as disturbed as I was. Off in the di
stance in the forest, we heard the howl of a wolf.
Chapter 37: My Kind of Rain
Quil looked at me uncertainly, then slowly stood up. "I guess I'd better follow
them," he said, "see what's wrong with Jake." In his eyes I saw fear.
"He was burning up all day," I pointed out. "Maybe it's the flu? I wish he had l
et us take him home earlier. He must have been really suffering to snap like tha
t."
"Yeah, I've never seen him so out of control," Quil agreed. "It must have been t
he fever . . . Anyway, it was nice meeting you. Hope we get to hang out together
again some time. See you later, Bella."
"See you, Quil."
I watched him walk away towards Jake's house. I waited until he completely disap
peared before turning to Mike.
"What the hell, Mike? These guys are my friends. Could you be any more rude?"
Mike had the grace to look embarrassed.
"I'm really sorry, Bella. I was just so . . ." he sat down beside me, clearly fr
ustrated. "Look, maybe I don't have the right to ask, but is there something goi
ng on between you and Jake or Quil?"
"What?" I asked incredulously, "No! I told you, Jake and I are just friends. And
I only met Quil today. How can you even ask me that?"
"Well, you and I are just friends, but it's no secret I'd like us to be more. .
."
"Mike," I interrupted with a sigh.
"Hold on," he said, "just let me finish. I know you said you weren't ready and I
told you I was willing to wait. And I meant that. But from where I'm standing i
t looks like I'm not the only guy waiting. And it's not like I shouldn't expect
that, you know? And it's not like I'm afraid of the competition. But I need to k
now if I am competing. So you tell me. Is Jake my rival?"
Poor Mike. He was asking the right question, but about the wrong person. What wa
s I supposed to tell him? Should I lie and say that Jake is a rival? I didn't th
ink that would be fair to Jake. But if I told him the truth he'd be under the im
pression that there was no rival, which was clearly false as well. And there was
no way at all to tell him about Jasper. I really didn't know what to do. I shiv
ered, suddenly noticing the absence of the two incredibly warm Quileute boys who
had flanked me all evening and kept me sheltered from the chill.
"Hey, you're cold!" Mike exclaimed. He shrugged off his jacket and threw it over
my shoulders. Then he started looking around for the blankets I had set aside e
arlier and, finding them, took them out of the plastic. He wrapped one blanket a
round me before wrapping himself up in another. "Better?"
I nodded, staring into the dancing flames of the bonfire to avoid looking at him
.
"So, will I get an answer to my question?"
I hated when he was like this, pressing and pushing me out of my comfort zone. F
orcing me to answer the really tough questions. I just wanted Mike my friend, no
t Mike the would-be boyfriend. This was so hard, but I knew what I needed to do.
"Jake is not your rival," I answered slowly, "but I've been thinking about our c
onversation. You know, in the parking lot of your parents' store? I think I made
a mistake, Mike, and I'm sorry. I didn't mean to mislead you. Everything I told
you that night was true. But as I think about it now, I don't think you and I c
ould ever work that way. The way you want us to be? The picket fence and rose ga
rden, I just don't see it. And I'm really sorry for anything I did that caused y
ou to feel the way you do. I never meant to hurt you." I still hadn't looked at
him, which made me feel like a coward.
"Whoa . . . Wow . . . Um . . . Okay. . . So I guess that's that. . . Thanks for
being honest, I think."
I had to look at him. It wasn't fair for me to do this and not suffer. I turned
to face him, but he wasn't looking at me. Instead, he too was gazing intently in
to the fire. I thought I saw something glisten in his eye. Oh God, did I actuall
y make him cry?
Suddenly he leaned back to lie on the blanket, looking up at the sky. I tilted m
y head up. It was a pretty sky full of shining stars. A perfect evening to lie b
ack and star gaze with someone you love. But, of course, the man I loved was not
star-gazing tonight. Instead, he was hunting a dangerous predator, all to prote
ct me.
I shook my head to try to erase the disturbing images, which would only make thi
s evening more painful. I needed to pay more attention to Mike, who was clearly
hurt by what I'd said earlier.
"Are you okay?" It was such a lame question.
"Yeah," he said, his voice surprisingly clear and strong. I'm not sure why I exp
ected him to be choked up. "Just going over everything, figuring out how I screw
ed up. I pushed too hard, right?"
"That's part of it," I allowed.
"Well, that sucks. I'm sorry."
"That's not the only thing, though. It's really more about me."
He laughed. "Am I about to get the 'it's not you it's me' speech?"
"I guess," I laughed a little as well at the cliché, "but in this case it really i
s me. I wish I could like you that way. Believe me, it would make my life a lot
less complicated. You're a great guy. Any girl would be lucky to have you."
"Any girl except you. And there's the rub, 'cause you're the only girl I'm inter
ested in being had by."
"Mike," my voice was a plea.
"Hey," he sat up and reached for my hand. I had to fight the impulse to yank it
away.
"I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I told you it would be all right if you di
dn't feel the way I did and I meant it. We can still be friends. At least, I hop
e we'll still be friends."
"Yeah? It won't be weird for you?"
He shrugged. "I'm sure it will be, at first, but I'll get over it. You know me,
I don't dwell." He smiled a wide smile to prove his point.
"Okay, then. Let's try it. Just no more pushing for more, right?"
"Right. I can accept defeat gracefully. Honest."
I smiled. "Based on how you're acting right now, I have no choice but to believe
you."
"Good. It's settled, then. Now, how about some s'mores?"
We stayed on the beach for a couple more hours, making s'mores and watching more
karaoke performances. It was a lot of fun, almost enough to make me forget what
was going on outside the reservation. Almost.
Eventually we ran out of wood and the fire started to die down. The boys packed
up the coolers, grills and tents and carried everything back to the cars. I took
a moment to find a private spot so I could call Jasper. The call went directly
to voice mail. What did that mean? I reasoned that he must have purposely change
d the setting, which must have meant that he was close to catching Laurent. Or m
aybe he caught him already and just forgot to turn the phone back on? That seeme
d implausible – Jasper wouldn't forget. In any case, I took some comfort in the th
ought that if there was still something to worry about, he would have taken my c
all, so that he could intercept Mike and me at the border. Still, no matter how
reasonable that sounded, I couldn't quite suppress a feeling of profound fear an
d dread.
Driving back from First Beach, the road was illuminated by the lights of Mike's
Suburban and a yellowish light coming from a gorgeous full moon. I stared out th
e window as we drove, hoping for a glimpse of a running figure, even thought I k
new Jasper was much too good at this to allow himself to be seen.
"Did you have a good time tonight, Bella?" Mike asked.
I wondered if the lack of conversation was making him nervous.
"Uh huh," I answered. "It was great."
"I'm sorry about the thing with Jake. I hope he gets better soon."
His voice was perfectly neutral, sincere, with no undertones of jealousy or rese
ntment. I looked over at him and found nothing in his face but genuine concern.
"Hopefully it's just a bug. He's a healthy boy so, with luck, he'll get over it
quickly."
"Healthy," Mike chortled, "that's an interesting way to put it. All those Quileu
te boys looked pretty healthy. What the heck are they feeding them on that reser
vation?"
I laughed too. "Maybe it's something in the water."
"So Bella, I meant to tell you earlier, that Karaoke performance you, Angela and
Jessica put on . . ." he didn't get to finish his sentence, because suddenly th
ere was a loud bang and the car was out of control.
"Shit!" Mike was using both of his hands to keep the car on the road. He had the
presence of mind not to slam on the brakes. Instead he eased off the gas pedal
to allow the car to decelerate naturally as he concentrated on steering. Once he
regained control he started braking gently, eventually pulling the car onto the
shoulder and stopping.
He let out a loud breath that he must have been holding the whole time. I saw be
ads of sweat on his forehead.
"I think we blew a tire," he said. "Are you okay?"
I was a little shook up, but probably not as much as I should have been. After a
week of stressing out about Laurent, a mere tire blow-out seemed relatively har
mless.
"I'm fine," I said, "great driving!"
He flashed me a smile. "Thanks. I've got to go assess the situation. I might hav
e to change the tire, but at least the spare is good. I just checked it a week a
go."
He hopped out and I followed. We saw the problem was with the rear passenger tir
e. Mike cursed and started taking out the coolers and equipment from the back of
the Suburban so he could reach the spare and jack.
"There's a flashlight in the glove compartment," he said. "Do you mind holding i
t for me?"
I got the flashlight and trained it on him and the wheel as he worked to lift th
e SUV. He worked as quickly as possible to unbolt and take off the flat tire, re
placing it with the spare. He made sure to tighten the bolts, placing his body w
eight on the wrench. I had to admit, I was impressed at the ease and confidence
with which he handled the emergency.
Mike was about to pack up the jack and the flat when I started feeling very unea
sy. There was no noise or anything else to make me feel that way, yet through so
me sixth sense I knew we were no longer alone. I whirled around to illuminate th
e forest. When the light found its target I gasped, this time with real horror.
The figure coming out of the shadows towards us was Laurent. The light from the
flashlight caused him to pause.
"Hello, Bella," he said pleasantly, "Long time, no see."
"Hi, Laurent," I stammered. "It has been a long time. What brings you to Forks?"
It was an inane thing to say, since I already knew exactly why he was back, but
nothing else came to mind. Laurent laughed and his eyes sparkled. I noticed the
y still held a tint of gold, though they were quite dark, nearly black.
"It's so lovely around here, I thought I'd do some hiking. And, of course, I was
hoping to run into you. Now that I have, I find myself surprisingly thirsty."
I watched him take a deep breath and shivered where I stood. Blood froze in my v
eins. This was exactly what Jasper didn't want – a surprise confrontation with Lau
rent in the woods. We thought First Beach would be safe, but no one could have p
redicted the tire blow-out.
I felt Mike come up on my side. He had heard my exchange with Laurent.
"We have some water and soda in the coolers," he offered, helpful yet uneasy, as
if he sensed there was more to the conversation than the spoken words.
My breath caught. This was terrible. It was bad enough that I might die tonight,
but why did Mike have to be with me? And where was Jasper? Did my message about
coming back from First Beach not reach him in time? Or was he somewhere out the
re hurt from a run-in with Laurent? Or, even worse . . .
I didn't have a chance to finish my thought because Laurent smiled, his teeth fl
ashing in the light, and took a step towards us.
"Thank you for the offer," he said, "But I'm in the mood for another beverage. S
omething a bit more potent, more satisfying."
"I don't think you'll find what you're looking for here, Laurent." The steely vo
ice came from my right. I turned to see Jasper emerging from the forest. "Hello,
Bella," he said to me, his eyes fixed on the other vampire.
"Jasper!" I gasped with relief. He was all right. And he was here to protect us.
Mike shifted beside me, placing his body between me and the other two men in a p
rotective gesture. "Hey, Jasper," he said, his voice strained. "What are you doi
ng back in town?"
"Mike." Jasper acknowledged him, but did not take his eyes off Laurent. "Just vi
siting. My friend and I were in the mood for some camping and hiking. Isn't that
right, Laurent?"
My flashlight was still on Laurent and I turned to see him swallow. I shuddered,
knowing he was swallowing venom that had pooled in his mouth in anticipation of
killing me and Mike. He was clearly uncomfortable, but he stood his ground, siz
ing up his opponent.
I looked back to Jasper in time to see him very calmly pulling out the tails of
his black western style shirt and undoing the buttons. The shirt fell open, reve
aling the multitude of crescent shaped scars that covered his chest. They were d
ifficult for me to see, and had I not heard Jasper's story I might have missed t
hem altogether, but I knew that they were much more prominent to Laurent's vampi
re eyes, and that the purpose for the display was to send him a message, to let
him know about Jasper's warrior past.
My eyes darted back to Laurent. He looked absolutely shocked, and I could tell h
e was intimidated. He took a step back to the edge of the forest.
"Why don't you give me a minute, Laurent? I'll just give Mike a hand and then we
'll deal with your . . . thirst." Jasper's voice was low, menacing and commandin
g. I suddenly felt rooted to the spot, not able to move. I guessed that Jasper w
as manipulating all of our emotions to neutralize Laurent. He turned to look at
Mike and me, though I knew he held Laurent in his peripheral vision.
"Is everything all right, Mike?" He asked, gesturing at the items on the ground.
Mike looked both flustered and annoyed.
"Yeah. I mean, we had a blow out, but I already changed the tire, so we're good.
"
"Let me help you clean up," Jasper said in a tone that discouraged dissent. He f
irst checked to make sure the bolts on the spare tire were secure, then, quickly
and effortlessly, threw the tools, old tire, coolers and grill in the back of t
he SUV and closed the door.
"You're all set," he said to Mike, "drive carefully." It was clear that this was
a dismissal. Then he looked at me. "Bye, Bella," his expression was tense, but
the tone of his voice was slightly softer.
"Bye, Jasper," my voice was so low it was nearly a whisper. Then Mike and I got
into the Suburban and pulled away. We were both holding our breath, releasing th
e air only after a minute passed and Jasper and Laurent were no longer in sight.
"Wow," Mike said, "that was weird."
"Yeah," I agreed, "really weird." He'd probably die of shock if he knew exactly
how weird and how close we both came to death tonight.
"It was strange to see Jasper again, and with that other dude. You seemed like y
ou knew him?"
"I met him last year through the Cullens," I said. That was technically accurate
.
"Man, I always thought Jasper was with Alice," Mike continued, "but now I'm not
so sure. I mean, camping with that other dude, hiking in the middle of the night
, and all that talk about quenching thirst as he practically undressed . . . You
think they're together?" he laughed nervously, and I cringed. I could see how s
omeone with no knowledge of the real situation could misinterpret what happened
as some sort of lover's tryst between Jasper and Laurent. It sure was a much mor
e reasonable sounding explanation than the truth.
"I don't think so," I said, knowing I had to refute Mike's inference on Jasper's
behalf, "Jasper is definitely interested in women."
"Huh," Mike didn't sound convinced. "Maybe so, but he still seemed to be awfully
friendly with that Laurent guy, not that there's anything wrong with that," he
added quickly and laughed nervously again. "I suppose it's none of our business.
 Nice of him to help out, anyway."
"Mike, I'm sure there's nothing like that going on between Jasper and Laurent,"
I protested again, a bit more vehemently than I'd intended.
He looked over at me, surprised, and I realized that it must have seemed strange
for me to argue with quite as much fervor.
"Not that I have a problem with that . . . lifestyle," I added, my voice calmer,
"I just know that Jasper doesn't . . . What's the expression? Play on that team
."
Mike shrugged and didn't say anything for a while.
"So, um, it sounded like it was just Jasper back in the area," he eventually sai
d, but sounded tentative, like he wasn't sure this was a good topic for discussi
on either. I realized that he must have been thinking about Edward, probably won
dering if seeing Jasper created problems for me, or if it maybe meant that the C
ullens would be coming back to Forks.
"That's what he seemed to be saying," I confirmed carefully.
"Are you okay?" There was a lot of unspoken meaning behind the question and I kn
ew he was asking as a concerned friend. I needed to put him at ease.
"Yeah," I said, looking over at him. "I'm fine. Really, really fine."
We were getting close to my house, pulling onto my street and then into my drive
way. I hesitated a moment before opening the door.
"Thanks for today, Mike, for making everything so easy for me. I'm not sure I de
serve your friendship, but I'm glad to have it."
"Don't be melodramatic, Bella. I'm not even sure you broke my heart – feels like y
ou just roughed it up a little. Couple of days and I'll be as good as new," he s
ounded casual, but he was no longer looking at me. I decided that there was no p
oint in saying anything more. I put my hand on top of his briefly, and then open
ed the door and jumped out.
"Bye, Mike. See you Monday," I said and headed to the front door.
"Bye, Bella." Mike didn't follow me to the door, but he stayed in the driveway u
ntil I was inside.
"How was the beach, Bells?" Charlie called out from the living room where, as us
ual, he was firmly planted in front of the television set. It was a wonder he di
dn't go blind.
"It was a lot of fun, actually. But I'm exhausted. I think I'm going to go to be
d."
"OK," he said, unconcerned. I could only imagine what he would do if he knew the
real reason I wanted to go to my room.
Upstairs I brushed my teeth and washed my face, but didn't change for bed. I was
going crazy not knowing what was going on out there, hoping that Jasper would s
how up soon with an explanation. I paced my room in the darkness, my hands balle
d into fists, fingernails digging into my palms. I was absolutely terrified. I k
new Jasper was well equipped for this fight, but I knew nothing about Laurent. H
e was twice as old as Jasper, so he'd had plenty of time to pick up fighting tec
hniques. What if he was a better fighter than Jasper or even equally good? In Ph
oenix, Emmett and Alice helped bring down James. Here, Jasper was all alone.
My nails dug deeper into my palm, but I retracted them when I thought they might
break the skin. Tonight, of all nights, I could not draw blood. I could not all
ow anything to keep Jasper away form me if he returned from the fight victorious
.
I was still pacing when I heard Charlie making his way upstairs. I got into bed,
pulling the quilt all the way over me so that it wouldn't be obvious that I was
still fully dressed. The precaution turned out to be unnecessary. Charlie did n
ot check up on me before retiring to his bedroom. I jumped out of bed again and
resumed my vigil.
Jasper finally showed up an hour later, calling me first to alert me. I opened t
he window and backed up, waiting for him to come in, but he remained perched on
the roof outside. From my position in the room I could see that his clothing was
torn and mud-caked. His eyes, however, were a beautiful golden amber. He must h
ave hunted on the way to my house, to ensure my safety.
"What happened, Jasper? Are you all right?"
"I'm fine, Bella," he said quietly. "I know you want to know what happened and I
want to tell you everything, Darlin', but I shouldn't come into your room in th
is state. I need to clean up and change first, and I can't do that here. Would y
ou be willing to come to my house with me? I'll make sure you're back well befor
e Charlie wakes up in the morning."
I nodded. I desperately wanted to know what had taken place after Mike and I lef
t, but his comfort was more important than my needs. I walked up to the window a
nd took his hand as I climbed out onto the roof. He lifted me in his arms and ju
mped down gracefully. Once we were on the ground, he shifted me to his back, wra
pping my arms tightly around his neck and positioning my legs over his hips, his
arms twined beneath my knees to keep me secure. Then he started running.
I closed my eyes and clung to him, wind gusting past us at an alarming rate. In
the distance I heard thunder. Jasper cursed and seemed to increase his speed. Su
ddenly the sky opened up and a torrential rain poured down on us. The shredded r
emnants of Jasper's shirt, instantly soaked, became fabric weapons, the wind whi
pping them mercilessly into my face. I moaned at a particularly hard slap. Heari
ng me, Jasper stopped abruptly in a small clearing we had just reached. Gently b
ut quickly, he set me down and turned to look at me. With his right hand he trac
ed a line on my cheek where the cloth had hit me.
"I'm so sorry, Bella," he said. He immediately shrugged out of his shirt and tos
sed it aside without a second glace. His pale naked chest glowed softly in the m
oonlight, rivulets of rain cascading down his hair and body. I stared at him in
amazement. He was absolutely gorgeous, breathtakingly so. My own personal Ares.
My eyes raked over his body, quickly at first, and then slowly, memorizing each
detail of his muscular chest, his broad shoulders, his amazing defined stomach.
My own stomach tightened into a knot and a tremor tore through my body as I eval
uated his. Midway through my examination I noticed a more prominent crescent-sha
ped scar on his chest, then another on his left shoulder and another on his left
forearm. They had been sealed with venom, but were clearly fresher than the res
t of the scars covering his body.
"Jasper, you're hurt," I cried out in alarm.
"It's nothing, Bella," he said. "Nothing I'm not used to. They just burn a bit."
I took a step towards him, reaching out to touch the scar on his chest. I heard
his sharp intake of breath as my fingers made contact with his cool skin. I trac
ed the contours of the scar gently. Then, without any thought or hesitancy, I to
ok another step forward and covered the scar with my lips.
I heard a hiss escape his lips, but otherwise Jasper stood motionless before me.
I reached for his left arm, lifted it to me and kissed the fresh scar there. Ja
sper closed his eyes and took a deep breath, remaining otherwise immobile. The r
ain pelted us mercilessly, but he seemed completely unaware.
I let go of his arm, shifted to my right and, standing on my tip toes, pressed m
y mouth to the scar on his shoulder, this time tracing the ridge of the scar wit
h my tongue. There was still no reaction from Jasper. I lifted my lips and took
a small step back. He opened his eyes, looked down at me and caught my face in h
is hands. For a brief moment he caressed my cheeks with his thumbs and then, wit
h a muffled groan, his face descended and his lips covered mine in a fiery kiss.
I stared into his rapidly darkening eyes as his lips, firm and insistent, frant
ically explored mine. My lips moved against his in response. I spread my hands o
ver his chest, shifting them over the textured marble skin covering his taut mus
cles. He made a strained sound, a mixture of a purr and a growl.
The sensation of his lips conquering mine, possessing me completely, was overwhe
lming. I felt myself weakening and knew that my knees would soon buckle. I snake
d my arms beneath his and wrapped them upward around his shoulders, as I molded
my body closer to his. Then my knees gave way and I clung to him, desperate not
to break the contact between us.
He moved his hands to my waist and lifted me still closer against him, his lips
continuing their exploration, never leaving mine. Our eyes remained locked toget
her, unblinking in spite of the rain. Then the pressure of his lips eased, and t
he kiss became less hurried and more sensual. I felt the cool smoothness of his
mouth moving over mine, gently sucking my lower lip. My tongue darted out to tra
ce his lips, tasting his spicy, exotic flavor. I breathed him in, and his amazin
g scent swirled inside my body, setting every nerve ending on fire. I closed my
eyes and let out a soft moan as my desire for him took over all my senses. There
was only one thing I wanted and needed, and that was for this perfect moment to
never, ever end.
I was at once freely floating in an almost out-of-body experience and firmly anc
hored by the circle of his arms, the two sensations directly opposite to one ano
ther, yet in perfect harmony. And it all began and ended with his lips on mine,
and the current of pure bliss flowing uninterrupted though our bodies and minds.
Suddenly I felt Jasper's head pull back, breaking the connection, and I shook my
head in denial. I didn't want this sudden space between us.
"N-n-no," I said, my teeth chattering, "D-D-Don't stop!" I realized as I spoke t
hat my whole body was wrecked with tremors and that my skin was covered with goo
se bumps caused by the combination of the cold rain and Jasper's skin. I didn't
care. I tried to use my arms to pull myself to Jasper's lips again.
"Bella," his voice was low and husky, "Darlin', the last thing I want to do is s
top, but you're freezing. We have to get you inside and warm you up before you g
et sick. Are you able to hold on?"
I nodded mutely, knowing he was right but unwilling to acknowledge it out loud.
To my surprise, Jasper didn't shift me to his back. Instead, he wrapped my legs
around his waist and moved my arms, one at a time, to form a circle around his n
eck, carefully cradling me to his chest. I buried my face between his shoulder a
nd neck and nuzzled on his cool skin, exploring it with my mouth and tongue, as
he ran the rest of the way to the Cullen house, holding me close to him like a p
riceless treasure.
Chapter 38: Save Me
We ran into the house and then through Carlisle and Esme's bedroom into their la
rge spa-like bathroom. Jasper tried to put me down but I refused to budge. He si
ghed.
"Darlin', be reasonable, please. You're never going to get warm in those wet clo
thes with me holding you. Let's get you dried off a little, okay?"
"I'm fine," I insisted as I held on to him.
"Bella, if you get sick you'll have to stay home and Charlie will want to take c
are of you so we won't be able to see each other. Is that what you want?"
He wasn't playing fair. He knew darned well how much that threat would scare me.
It wasn't fair that he knew just what to say to make me do what he wanted. Stil
l, I knew he was right, so I eased my hold on his neck and allowed him to lower
me to the floor.
He grabbed a large fluffy towel off the towel rack and wrapped it tightly around
me.
"I'll be right back," he said and kissed me on the cheek. He was gone only secon
ds and returned with a thick white waffle weave robe and matching slippers, whic
h must have belonged to Esme. He placed the robe on a hook next to the shower an
d put the slippers on the floor. He turned on the water and flipped a switch, lo
oping another white fluffy towel through a rack on the wall.
"All right, Darlin'. Now you take a nice hot shower and warm up, okay? The towel
rack is electric, so if you hang your clothes on it they'll dry faster. In the
meantime, you can wear Esme's robe. I'll go clean up and change and I'll be wait
ing in the living room when you're done. Sound good?"
I shook my head. He frowned, as if trying to think what he might have forgotten.
I walked up to him and moved my right hand to his hair, removing a piece of dri
ed leaf. Then I moved my hand up further, curling it around his neck, and pulled
my self up against him, pressing my lips to his. It was my turn to explore his
mouth with mine, slowly and deliberately. I felt the tingling sensation return t
hroughout my entire body as I sucked his lower lip between my lips, nibbling on
it gently. My left hand was moving of its own accord, my fingertips trailing alo
ng his stomach, ribs, and chest, finally intertwining with the fingers of my rig
ht hand behind his neck. He groaned softly and moved his hands to my hips, pulli
ng me closer. Our kiss intensified, our mouths crushed against each other with a
lmost painful friction. Then his lips were moving, covering my face with soft ki
sses: my eyes, my cheeks, my nose, my chin, then moving down the side of my neck
to the base of my throat, where his tongue explored the hollow, causing me to s
hiver. He stopped and pulled back to look at me, his eyes dark with desire, and
I took the opportunity to reciprocate, licking and sucking at his Adam's apple,
eliciting yet another groan.
"Bella," he said in a low, strained voice, "let's stick to the plan. You need to
get warm and dry and I need to clean up. And we're not going to be able to do a
ny of that if we continue down this path."
"I'm already warmer, Jasper, can't you feel it? And there's a perfectly good sho
wer right here – I can help you clean up."
Jasper froze beneath my hands and mouth and I gasped when I realized what I had
just said Oh my God! Did I really just ask Jasper to take a shower with me? On a
night when we had just shared our first kiss? Oh, my stupid, hormone infused br
ain – what have you done to me now? What must he think of me?
He was looking at me carefully, undoubtedly gauging my emotions. I'm sure he cou
ld sense my discomfort and embarrassment, reinforced by a deep blush creeping up
my cheeks. Suddenly he smiled and dipped his head to place his lips against my
ear.
"That is the best and most intriguing offer I've had in a long time, Darlin', an
d I promise some day I will get so very, very filthy for you, and give you every
opportunity to help me clean up. I just think tonight may not be the exact righ
t time. Do you agree?"
I nodded. He laughed softly, the air from his lips moving over and into my ear,
not really helping to reinforce my decision. Somehow I found the oxygen and stre
ngth to speak.
"You win, tonight, Jasper Whitlock, but I will hold you to that promise."
He laughed again. "I'm counting on it, Darlin'. And I can't wait."
Before I could respond, his lips were pressing against mine in one last passiona
te kiss. Then he reached up, unhooked my hands from around his neck and stepped
back. He shook his head, a bemused expression on his face.
"What's funny?" I asked, thinking that the situation was anything but amusing.
His smile widened, and then he looked down at the floor. "I was just thinking ho
w much I need that shower."
Before I could ask any follow-up questions he was moving out of the bathroom. "I
'll see you soon. I'll be waiting in the living room," he said over his shoulder
as he left.
I followed him to the bathroom door and closed it behind him. How ironic! Even t
hough I had just asked him to share a shower with me, I was too modest to risk J
asper walking in on me as I was undressing.
I took off my clothes and, following Jasper's suggestion, hung them on the heate
d towel rack. I adjusted the water temperature and stepped into the steamy showe
r, pleasantly surprised to find it stocked with shampoo and body wash. I was abs
olutely mortified about making the joint shower suggestion earlier, yet as I was
washing my hair I found myself wishing that Jasper was in the shower with me. N
ot for the usual raunchy things that most people would imagine, but because I ge
nuinely wanted to just take care of him for a change, to shampoo his hair and he
lp him clean up after his fight with Laurent. He had a tough week watching over
me and, even though he didn't experience physical exhaustion, I knew the week ha
d been as stressful emotionally for him as it had been for me. He really deserve
d a little TLC.
Of course, I thought as I washed up, the raunchy stuff wasn't unappealing either
. I was shocked at how bold I had been earlier, knowing deep inside that Jasper
had been right, I wasn't emotionally ready to take things as far and as fast as
my raging hormones may have wanted. But I also knew that it wouldn't be that lon
g before I was ready, and I was so thrilled that Jasper's response had not been
the unequivocal "no" I always got from Edward whenever I wanted to push beyond t
he physical limits he had imposed on our relationship. Jasper definitely did not
say 'no' – he'd said 'not right now', with an unambiguous promise of future activ
ities. I started feeling warmer just thinking about that. A part of me was screa
ming for me to stop my train of thought, but another, more reckless part, urged
me to keep it going. As my hands skimmed over my wet skin, my mind produced imag
es of Jasper as I saw him earlier tonight, all shirtless and glorious, and then
of us together, pressed closely against each other, totally oblivious to anythin
g other than our intertwined bodies. It wasn't a particularly elaborate fantasy,
but one I thoroughly enjoyed.
After I finished showering, I dried off using the warmed towel. My undergarments
we already dry, so I put them back on, but my shirt and pants still needed some
more time, so I took Jasper's advice and wrapped myself up in Esme's robe. Real
izing how little protection the robe actually afforded if it were to accidentall
y open, I double knotted the inner ties and the outer belt. I put my feet in Esm
e's slippers and rummaged through the bathroom cabinets until I found a hairbrus
h and a hair dryer. I fixed my hair and examined myself in the mirror. I looked
fine. Nothing special, but better than the soaked to the bone look I was sportin
g earlier.
Feeling slightly more at ease, I walked back to the living room. Jasper was alre
ady there, seated in the corner of the sofa, wearing khaki pants and a white but
ton down shirt. The light clothing made him seem relaxed somehow, vastly differe
nt from the man in black I encountered in my bedroom Thursday night. But his eff
ect on me hadn't changed at all. The swarm of butterflies was back, flitting abo
ut inside my stomach.
Jasper looked up when he heard me enter the room, giving me a wide, dazzling smi
le.
"You look absolutely enchanting, Bella," he said, sounding completely sincere.
"Thanks. You look great too," my face scrunched up into a small frown as I looke
d down at my robe. "I feel a bit underdressed."
"Nonsense, you're as covered up as I am."
Technically he was right. Esme's long robe fell to around my ankles and the slee
ves were long enough to completely hide my hands. With the tight, double knotted
wrap of the robe, hardly any of my skin was actually exposed. However, I still
didn't feel completely at ease. I moved to the sofa and sat down in the corner o
pposite of Jasper, leaving a wide empty space between us. It was his turn to fro
wn.
"After being apart from you for so long, I was hoping to be a little closer to y
ou tonight. Won't you come sit by me, Darlin'? I promise I'll be a perfect gentl
eman. I won't do anything that will make you uncomfortable."
I sighed. He was right. I picked a fine time to turn all shy. Poor Jasper. I was
sending him such mixed signals tonight, and for no good reason. I knew I could
trust him completely. It was me I was worried about, and my lack of self-control
really wasn't a good enough reason to deny him a little personal closeness afte
r all he had endured for me throughout the week.
I got up and walked over to sit down next to him. Then I turned, lifting my feet
up on the sofa, and laid back across his lap with my head resting on the sofa a
rm. Jasper looked down on me and reached to tuck my hair behind my left ear.
"Hi there," he said softly.
"Hi," I replied, smiling.
He reached to the side and dug out a throw pillow that had been wedged between h
is thigh and the sofa arm. I lifted my head and shoulders slightly so that he co
uld position the pillow to give me better support. When I was settled in again h
e moved his left hand to gently stroke my cheek.
"I really missed you today," he said.
"More so than any other day this week?" I asked, surprised.
"Mmm hmm. Most of the week I couldn't be with you but I could still see you or h
ear you. Today, while you were at the bonfire, I lost you completely. It was lik
e a part of me was missing. I couldn't stop thinking about you all the while you
were gone."
I blushed and felt a little guilty because my mind had not been as constantly oc
cupied with him as his had been with me.
"It's all right, Darlin'. Vampire minds work differently that human minds. I can
have many trains of thought at once. So while I thought of you all day, I also
thought about other things. I know that's not possible for you."
Sometimes it felt like he could read my mind, which was very disconcerting, but
I knew he simply must have picked up on my guilty feelings and was responding to
those.
"I did think about you," I assured him, "and worried. Especially when you didn't
pick up the phone when I called to tell you we were heading home. Obviously not
hing happened while we were at the beach, but what happened with Laurent after M
ike and I left tonight?"
Jasper's hand stilled against my cheek. He took a deep breath and let it out hea
vily. He looked away and I could tell something in his thoughts was disturbing h
im. My stomach tightened with worry. Jasper looked back down at me and gave me a
small, tight smile.
"It's all right, Bella. There's nothing for you to worry about. It's over."
I closed my eyes. I was relieved to hear things with Laurent were over, but I re
ally needed to know what happened, how Jasper had gotten his fresh scars. Undoub
tedly sensing my curiosity, he began to speak.
"I'd been trying to track him ever since you and Mike left for the bonfire. I fi
nally caught his scent trail in the evening and turned off my phone so as not to
accidentally alert him to my presence when I finally I caught up with him. That
must be when you called from First Beach. I kept checking for messages, so I kn
ew within minutes of your call that you were heading back. I felt I was so close
to him, but I didn't want to leave you and Mike unprotected, so I abandoned his
trail and went back to intercept you guys. I messed up on the timing and distan
ce, though, which caused the delay in getting to you after the tire blew out.
"If I had a heart it would have stopped when I heard you speaking with Laurent b
y the side of the road. I was absolutely horrified that I hadn't been there to s
top him from seeing you or that I would be too late to stop his attack. Thank Go
d he was not actually set on attacking, and that you were able to distract him f
urther by talking."
He stopped his story abruptly and frowned. It looked as though he was wrestling
with whether to tell me something or not.
"What is it?"
"I'm not sure I should say. I don't want you to take it the wrong way."
"Whatever it is you should just say it. We shouldn't hold things back from each
other. We can talk it out and you can make sure I don't take it the wrong way, b
ut there shouldn't be secrets between us."
Another troubled frown creased his face and then was gone.
"All right. I was a little frustrated tonight that you hadn't followed the rules
. We set up those rules for a reason. What were you supposed to do if you were e
ver in danger?"
My eyes widened as I suddenly remembered. "I was supposed to scream," I whispere
d, completely appalled that I had forgotten something so basic.
"I would have gotten there quicker if your scream had alerted me to exactly wher
e you were." He sighed. "Still, if Laurent had been bent on attack, even with yo
u screaming I might not have been fast enough. As it was, your presence of mind
and ability to keep him talking delayed him long enough, and your calm response
saved your and Mike's life. But in the future . . ."
"I'll scream, Jasper. I promise. I'll scream my head off. You'll be able to hear
me from miles away!"
He smiled. "That's my girl," he said and lifted my hand to his lips. Then he low
ered my hand and continued his story.
"You probably felt I kept Laurent from running away while I was helping Mike loa
d the car by manipulating his and your emotions. But as soon as I released you a
nd Mike I had to release him as well, and he took off running. He's fast, I have
to give him that. I had to chase him for miles. For a while I was seriously wor
ried that I would not be able to catch him, but my knowledge of the terrain gave
me an advantage and eventually I gained enough distance to tackle him. He didn'
t put up much of a fight."
I gasped, remembering the scars. He looked down at me and ran his hand over my h
air, again tucking it behind my ear even though it hadn't moved from its positio
n since he did it earlier in the evening.
"He bit me a little as he was struggling in my hold. It was to be expected. It w
ouldn't have happened if I had killed him as soon as I caught him, but I remembe
red our talk from last weekend and I just couldn't do it. At least not immediate
ly upon seeing him."
I looked at him, horrified. I remembered the conversation well. I had asked him
not to kill Laurent if he didn't attack me or other humans. I had asked him to g
ive Laurent a warning, and by trying to follow my request Jasper had been hurt.
If I hadn't said anything Jasper would be unharmed. I turned to my side so that
I was facing away from him and curled up into a ball. I felt absolutely awful.
"Hey," I could tell Jasper was concerned. He reached over with both of his arms
and pulled me up so I was sitting sideways in his lap, pulled close to his chest
. "You cannot feel badly about this. It was my choice, Bella. And the bites are
nothing. In fact," his voice held a little mirth as he placed a finger under my
chin and tipped it up so that he could look into my eyes, "I rather believe they
were some of the best things that happened to me tonight. If you hadn't seen th
em you never would have reacted to them the way you had, and we never would have
. . ."
He stopped speaking and lowered his mouth to mine in a soft kiss by way of an ex
planation. I sighed against his lips. His kisses made me feel so good. The smoot
h, cool texture of his lips was similar to Edward's, yet the kisses made me feel
completely different. At the time I thought that Edward's kisses were perfect,
but now I knew there was always something missing. Edward had always held back,
had been reserved, so that the connection between us didn't feel solid enough, a
nd the more I tried to strengthen it, the more Edward pulled back. Jasper didn't
hold anything back. His kisses, even the slow, gentle kisses, we full of unrest
rained emotion. When he had pulled back, I knew it wasn't a vampire pulling away
from a human – it was a man pulling back from a woman, for all the reasons that a
man should pull back every once in a while. He never made me feel like my human
ity was a limiting factor.
As if to prove my unspoken point, Jasper did not break off our kiss. Instead, he
intensified it, his lips pressing against mine with more force now. He pulled m
e closer to him with his right arm. I twined the fingers of my left hand in his
hair, returning his kiss with equal force. I closed my eyes, letting myself get
swept up in the surge of excitement.
Then I gasped against his lips, feeling the unexpected sensation of his fingers
trailing along the bare skin of my leg, starting at the ankle and moving up the
side of my leg along my calf, knee and thigh. My eyes flew open. He paused, look
ing searchingly at my face. I glanced down, seeing that in my shift to the sitti
ng position the robe had parted, revealing my left leg all the way to the upper
thigh. I flushed furiously, burying my face in his chest. Jasper removed his han
d and used it to close up the robe, fully covering both of my lower extremities.
"I'm sorry Bella. I seem to be breaking all of my promises to you today. I shoul
dn't have done that. Forgive me?"
I pulled away from his chest and looked up at him. "You don't have to apologize.
Why would you apologize for something that makes me feel so good?" I was still
embarrassed and didn't quite believe I was telling him everything I was thinking
, but I had meant what I said about not wanting to have secrets between us. "I l
ove it when you touch me, Jasper. And a part of me wants you to keep going, neve
r stop. But I haven't done anything like this before, and I'm a little scared, a
nd maybe not quite ready? It seems like everything is moving so fast."
He kissed my forehead. "We'll slow it down, Bella. You set the pace, Darlin'. Le
t me know immediately if I ever go too fast or too far, like you did just now. I
want this, us, to feel right for you. I don't want you to ever do anything you'
re not ready for, to have any regrets."
"As long as I know you're mine, I won't have any regrets," I said. And then I fr
owned, realizing that he still wasn't mine.
In all the excitement of tonight, the danger with Laurent, Jasper's injuries, I
had completely forgotten about Alice. So already we had gone further than we sho
uld have, given that Jasper still wasn't free. I swallowed hard. I hadn't wanted
 to be "that girl," but it was too late now. We had gone past the point of no re
turn. I still needed for Jasper to go and talk to Alice, but I would no longer b
e neutral on the subject of his decision. I could no longer encourage him to sta
y with her. I had to acknowledge that now, knowing how much I loved being with h
im, how much I loved him, I wanted more than anything for him to leave Alice and
come back to me.
I sighed. There was so much for us to talk about tonight. But first I needed to
find out what had happened with Laurent.
"You're quite good at distracting me, Jasper Whitlock, but I do want to hear wha
t actually happened when you caught Laurent, other than the struggle that caused
your injuries.
He let me go and I shifted in his lap, remaining in the sitting position.
"Once I had him incapacitated so that he couldn't bite me, we started talking. I
saw that he still hadn't hunted humans,"
"Yes, I saw that too. His eyes were dark tonight, but still had a hint of gold."
"Right. He's struggling. A struggle I know all too well. He hates the taste of a
nimal blood, but he enjoys the close bonds that form between vampires who practi
ce the vegetarian lifestyle. He left Denali because, much like me, he felt too c
onstrained, with everyone watching him all the time to make sure he didn't regre
ss. But on his own, without those close bonds, he found it harder and harder to
resist humans."
"Why did he come to Forks?" I asked curiously.
"He had seen you with us and knew that you were able to befriend a vegetarian va
mpire. I think he may have been looking for someone to talk to, for some compani
onship."
"But when he saw me he wanted my blood. He told me so. He said he was thirsty."
"It's true. He underestimated the difficulty of being close to humans. He didn't
understand that it took the Cullens decades to be able to coexist as closely wi
th humans as they do. And let's not forget, Darlin', that you are no ordinary hu
man. You have tempted vampires with far more vegetarian experience and resolve t
han Laurent has right now. Frankly, it says a lot about him that he was able to
resist you for the few minutes that he had. It's one of the reasons I couldn't k
ill him."
"So he's still alive? You let him go?"
Jasper sighed.
"Yes. And I hope I haven't made a mistake. But I'm fairly certain he knows exact
ly how easy it would have been for me to kill him and how much restraint it took
for me not to, so I am reasonably confident he will take my warnings seriously.
I told him to go back to Alaska or to stay far away from here. I also told him
that you are not only under my protection, but under the protection of all the C
ullens, and if any of us ever found out that a hair on your head has been harmed
by him, we wouldn't hesitate to hunt him down and kill him in the slowest, most
painful way possible."
I put my hand on his cheek and stroked it lightly, then pressed my lips against
his before turning into his chest and hugging him tightly. I could tell how much
this decision had taken out of him. How much easier it would have been for him
to eliminate Laurent and the threat he posed entirely. But I was glad to see thi
s compassionate side of him, too, even if he had only been compassionate at my r
equest. I knew that down the road the self-restraint he exercised tonight would
help him feel even stronger, even more in control. Once again, he avoided taking
the easy way out. I was so very proud of him.
"Thank you," I said simply as I pulled away. "For everything you did for me toni
ght."
He looked deeply into my eyes.
"No, Bella, thank you! Thank you for seeing more in me than even I knew was ther
e and for helping me see it too. Thank you for your trust and confidence. Thank
you for believing I could overcome the monster inside. Thank you for helping me
recover some measure of my humanity. I could never have done any of this if it w
asn't for you."
I felt a tear slide down my cheek. Jasper lowered his head and kissed it away.
"You're not sad." It was a statement, though he was obviously puzzled.
I shook my head. "No, I'm not sad. I'm happy. Happy that I could be the mirror t
hat you needed to see yourself for who you really are."
He frowned.
"What's wrong? What did I say?"
"Nothing. It's just that I wish I could be that for you as well. I wish I could
take away all your self-doubts and insecurities. I wish you could see yourself t
he way I see you."
I looked down, then back up at him.
"You are helping me, Jasper. I am becoming more confident. But some things . . .
" there wasn't any good way to do this indirectly. I just had to say it. "When a
re you going to see Alice?"
He seemed taken aback, though I couldn't see why. He had to know this subject wo
uld come up. Especially now that we've kissed, that our relationship seemed to p
rogress at an even faster rate. He had to know that I was past the point where I
felt comfortable. Past the point where I could feel good about myself unless he
resolved his relationship with Alice for good.
He looked away and I felt a sense of foreboding.
"Jasper," I shifted my body to the side so I could look into his eyes, "when are
you going to see Alice?" I repeated.
"I don't want to leave right now," he said quietly. "I hated having to stay away
from you this week and I'm not ready to be away from you again yet. Besides, I
want to make sure that Laurent took me seriously and actually left the area. Jus
t give me a little more time, Bella."
I sighed. I didn't want to be away from him either and I certainly wanted to be
sure Laurent wasn't coming back, but I would never be able to feel completely se
cure in our relationship until I knew Jasper and Alice were over. Still, he was
only asking for a little more time with me before he left. How could I deny him
that?
"You know, I could just call her, tell her everything. I don't really need to se
e her. She may not even want to see me to hear this. It may be easier this way f
or her."
I considered this. Would it be easier for her? Would it have been easier for me
if Edward told me he was leaving over the phone? In some ways, it probably would
. It would have been even easier to hate him if he had taken such a cowardly way
out. But then would I always be asking if I could have done anything in person
to change his mind that I couldn't do on the phone? Yes, I was sure I would. The
re would always be that doubt that maybe things would have been different, and t
hat would have killed me. I couldn't let Jasper do that to Alice.
"It might make it easier for you, but it wouldn't be easier for her. You need to
do the right thing. You need to see her. You owe her that after all you've been
through together, after everything that she's done for you."
He looked away again and I felt another twinge of unease.
"How long do you need?" I asked.
"I don't know," he said, still not looking at me. "A week?"
I nodded, my heart constricting painfully. "All right, a week. And then you'll h
ave to go back and face her." And hopefully come back to me, I added silently. I
hated the thought of another week of insecurity; another week of fear of becomi
ng too involved; another week of not knowing his ultimate choice. It's just seve
n days, not forever, I reminded myself. Just seven days.
I leaned against him and felt my eyelids descend over my eyes. I was suddenly ve
ry tired. Now that the stress was finally over and the adrenaline had worn off,
I was reminded of my very human need to sleep. I tried to stifle a yawn. I felt
Jasper rearranging his arms beneath me, then getting up and carrying me. When I
finally found the strength to open my eyes we were back in Carlisle and Esme's b
edroom. Still holding me, Jasper pulled back a thick down comforter and laid me
down on the bed. He tucked the comforter around me and leaned down to kiss my fo
rehead.
"Get some rest, Darlin'. I'll wake you up when it's time to get you back to your
house."
I reached out to grab his hand.
"Please don't go. Stay with me?"
He smiled down at me.
"I have no intention of leaving, Bella. There's nowhere for me to be but right h
ere beside you."
He walked over to the other side of the bed and laid down beside me on top of th
e comforter, pulling me close to him and wrapping his arm around me. I could fee
l his breath on my ear as he began to sing.
When I think of you
The world takes new meaning
And so does my life.
Seems like paradise
Hopelessly, you and me at peace
I love you, I love everything...
I love you, I love everything...
Feel the kiss of love,
Know that it's real
These emotions we feel.
Feel the kiss of love,
Know that It's true
When it happens to you.
Chapter 39: Every Second We Steal
As he promised, Jasper woke me up in plenty of time for me to get dressed and fo
r him to run me back home. Thankfully, the rain had stopped, so when we got to m
y house I was able to crawl into bed in the clothes I was wearing and go back to
sleep. Jasper stayed with me until I woke up on Sunday and went downstairs to h
ave breakfast with Charlie. Eventually Charlie left to watch the game at the Cle
arwaters' and I went to work. I was annoyed that Jasper and I had so little time
together on this first day when we could actually see each other as much as we
wanted, but I couldn't completely abandon my everyday human activities in order
to spend time with him. As it was, Jasper used the time I was at work to hunt so
he could spend Sunday night with me at my house which, of course, I absolutely
loved.
One thing that concerned me on Sunday was that I still hadn't heard from Jake. I
actually asked Charlie to bring back some news from La Push, but all he said wa
s that Jake was sick and Billie didn't come to watch the game because he was tak
ing care of him. That much I could have figured out for myself.
Monday was a regular day at school. True to his word, Mike seemed perfectly norm
al. Friendly, but not too friendly. The school was still abuzz about the bonfire
and we all spent the day reminiscing about the Karaoke and food, and the genera
l good time we all had together. Feeling slightly guilty after our fight the pre
vious week, I made plans to get together with Angela after school Thursday for s
ome girl talk. I knew exactly what she wanted to talk about and I figured I woul
d need all that time to come up with something that wasn't too far from the trut
h, but that didn't give anything away about my actual day in Seattle. I just hop
ed that she would be satisfied if I omitted a few key details, like the identity
of my date.
I worked Monday after school, so I wasn't able to see Jasper until I got home la
ter that evening. He snuck into my room after I was done with dinner. He brought
over a Scrabble board, and we played a few rounds. I even won one round, though
I'm pretty sure he let me. He spent the night with me again. I was getting used
to falling asleep in his arms, and that scared me a little. While I enjoyed eve
ry moment he and I spent together, I was also constantly aware that all of them
were stolen moments that could be permanently taken away.
Tuesday was much the same as Monday. School. Work. Time with Jasper at home in t
he evening. This time we completely regressed as Jasper brought over a Battleshi
p game. Finally, a game where he didn't necessarily have an unnatural advantage!
And, to make it even better, we won a kiss for every ship we sank, the bigger t
he ship, the longer the kiss! Needless to say I was absolutely giddy with excite
ment each time a ship was sunk, regardless of whether it was one of mine or his.
I hadn't had that much fun playing since I was eight years old. And, judging by
the smile on Jasper's face the entire evening, he felt exactly the same way.
Wednesday was another repeat of the same, except that I was getting behind on my
assignments again, so I couldn't play games and had to work on my homework inst
ead. Jasper stayed in the room with me, sitting on my bed, leaning against the h
eadboard and reading a book he had brought over with him. When I was finished I
looked to see what book had him so captivated, shocked to find him completely ab
sorbed in The Joy of Cooking.
"Seriously, Jasper?" I asked, highly amused. "You're actually learning how to co
ok? For me?"
He raised an eyebrow.
"Do you think it's too much for me? I've already mastered the art of grocery sho
pping and vegetable chopping. Besides," he shrugged. "As long as you're human I
can't keep feeding you frozen food and chips, can I?"
"As long as I'm human." I rolled the phrase around my tongue as if it was spoken
in a foreign language. I was suddenly aware how long it's been since I've consi
dered the possibility of being anything but human.
Jasper looked at me cautiously.
"I recall at one point you had a fairly strong desire to become a vampire. Have
you changed your mind?"
I swallowed. Had I changed my mind? Once upon a time I wanted to be a vampire so
that I could spend forever with Edward. After he left, there was no point in th
inking about it further. Of course, now that Jasper and I were contemplating a f
uture together, I needed consider it again.
"It's not that I've changed my mind. I just haven't given it that much thought l
ately."
I was dismayed at the pained look that flashed across his face. He hid it very w
ell and very quickly, and if I hadn't been specifically watching for his reactio
n I might have missed it. I bit my lip. I didn't want to hurt Jasper.
Thinking about it, I understood how what I said must have sounded to him. He kne
w how much I had wanted to spend forever with Edward, and yet I haven't even tho
ught about a forever with him? I didn't mean it like that, but he wouldn't know
that unless I told him.
I got up, walked over to the bed and sat astride him, making sure that I was far
enough down his thighs not to cause any unintended consequences. I took his fac
e between my hands and leaned in to kiss him, gently and sweetly. I felt his han
ds gliding across my back. I pulled away and made sure that our eyes were locked
together.
"I would love nothing more than to spend every day of forever with you, Jasper W
hitlock. But it's only been a week since you told me how you feel about me and I
've barely had time to get used to that. Plus, you don't act in a way that makes
me desperate to become a vampire immediately. You don't pull away from me like
Edward did, you don't try to shelter me by making decisions for me without consu
lting me, and you don't make me feel like I'll spend an eternity being thought o
f as a cradle robber unless I turn into a vampire right now."
He smiled a little. "Are you calling me old, Darlin'?"
"Mmmmm. You bet. Ancient!" I kissed him again, this time letting my lips linger
on his a bit longer before pulling back and swatting him playfully. "Don't be a
goof! I'm just saying you're still older than me in human years, so I can put of
f becoming a vampire for a bit without worrying about looking too old for you."
"So you still want to do it? Become immortal?"
"I want to spend the rest of our days together, just like this. And there's only
one way that can happen. So yes, I want to be a vampire like you." And then, as
a memory of Edward's attitude crossed my mind, I felt I had to ask, "You do wan
t me to be a vampire, right?"
His face softened and it was his turn to lean forward and kiss me. He held me to
him for a moment before he leaned back again. "I do." He said simply. "Very muc
h so."
"You're not concerned that I'll become a soulless monster?" I saw him grimace as
 I asked my question.
"Edward was a real bastard, wasn't he?" he asked rhetorically. "Did he actually
tell you that? What a piece of . . . How could he say that to you when you were
willing to do that because you loved him? You were willing to give up your life,
your humanity, just to be with him. And he had the gall to imply that your sacr
ifice, your gift to him, would make you a monster? If he were here right now I'd
rip him to shreds, piece by piece."
Jasper's face contorted in anger and he turned away from me. I looked at him in
shock. I didn't realize talking about what Edward had said would have upset him
this much, or I wouldn't have mentioned it. I put my hands on his shoulders to t
ry to calm him a little.
"It's all right. I was upset to know what he thought, at first, but I understood
it a little too, especially after Carlisle explained it to me the night of the
party as he was stitching up my cut." Another deep flash of pain crossed Jasper'
s face and I immediately realized my monumental mistake. God, I should have my m
outh stitched up and never say another word again. What happened to think before
you speak, Bella? How the hell are you gonna make this right?
I pressed myself closely to him wrapping my arms around him where I found space
between his body and the headboard. I pressed my lips against his neck.
"I'm so sorry, Jasper. I didn't mean to bring up that night. I'm sorry I brought
any of this up. None of it matters now. None of what anyone else said or though
t matters. It's just you and me and us together. That's what's important. I love
you and I want to be with you forever."
I felt the anger draining from him. He grasped my upper arms and pushed me back
so he could look at me.
"What did you say?"
"I said I was sorry that I brought up . . ."
He shook his head. "Not that. What was the last part you said?"
I thought back through my statements, then blushed as I realized exactly what I
had said. I had thought the words in my head countless times, but this had been
the first time I'd said them to him directly.
"I said I love you and I want to be with you forever," I repeated quietly, sudde
nly shy and scared. I had wanted to wait to make this declaration. I didn't want
to do this before Jasper came back from his talk with Alice. But I saw the chan
ge in his face, felt the absolute happiness radiating from him, and my regret wa
s gone.
He kissed me passionately, his lips hard against mine, the fingers of both of hi
s hands buried in my hair. Without releasing me or pulling his lips back he whis
pered "Say it again, Darlin'. Just those three words. I want to feel you say it.
"
I couldn't refuse, so I whispered "I love you," my lips just barely touching his
with each word. Then he was kissing me deeply again and I closed my eyes and lo
st myself in the sensations.
Eventually he pulled back. I had no idea how much time had passed and I was relu
ctant to open my eyes, but did when he spoke my name.
"Look at me Bella, please. I want to see those gorgeous eyes when I say it."
I knew exactly what he was about to say and I was shocked at my need to stop him
. I lifted my hand to his lips, covering his entire mouth. As I expected, he loo
ked hurt and confused.
"Don't say it, Jasper. Even if you feel it, don't say it. It's not right. I want
the first time I hear you say those words to me, to be when I know that I will
be the last person in the world you'll ever say them to. Please. I just want you
to wait until after you come back from Alaska."
Jasper looked away. I had hurt him again.
"In my heart I know you love me and I know you want to tell me. For what it's wo
rth, I wanted to wait to tell you. But tonight you were so upset and in trying t
o make you feel better I forgot my plan. I don't regret saying it, Jasper, but p
lease don't be mad at me for wanting you to wait a little longer. Please?"
He turned back to look at me. The pain was almost gone from his face. He moved h
is hand to rest against my jaw, his thumb tracing my lips. "As you wish," he sai
d with a small smile. I had to smile as well. I had seen The Princess Bride too,
and I knew exactly what he'd meant.
I leaned forward, resting against his chest again. He stroked my back and hair.
"Before you make your decision, I'll have to tell you a lot more about being a v
ampire," he said. "The rest of us didn't have a choice before we were changed, b
ut you do, so you need to consider every factor very carefully. There are two si
des to every coin. I do not believe vampires are inherently evil or soulless, th
ough there are certainly evil vampires out there. But just as anything else, bei
ng a vampire has its downsides. You'll need to know what they are to make sure y
ou are willing to live with them before you make your final choice."
"Jasper?" I whispered, knowing I was about to ask another question I wasn't sure
I wanted to know the answer to.
"Yes, Darlin'?"
"What if after considering everything I decided to stay human? Would you still w
ant to be with me then?"
He sighed.
"To be completely honest, that's not something I've thought a lot about. I made
a mistake of assuming you would want to be a vampire because of the way you felt
when you were with Edward. But yes, of course, my feelings for you have nothing
to do with whether you're human or vampire. It would just be more difficult for
us if you remained human. Our physical interaction would be more limited and I
would be constantly worried about you, and I'd probably really have to learn how
to cook. But everything else would be the same. Only . . ." he sighed again.
"Only what?"
"Only if you stayed human I would have to live everyday with the knowledge that
I could lose you. You would be so fragile, so vulnerable to everything around yo
u. And then, eventually, that day would come. And I don't know what would happen
to me once you were gone. I would have an eternity to spend with just my memori
es of you."
That's when I knew that my choice, if there ever really even was a choice, was a
lready made. I looked up and found him watching me.
"There's nothing for me to consider, then, Jasper. I would never ask you to go t
hrough life with that fear. I could never ask you to start off every day of our
life together wondering if this was the day you were going to lose me. I don't c
are about the downsides. There are plenty of downsides to being human, too. We'l
l have to figure out the right time. Maybe after graduation, when it's time for
me to go away to school? That way no one would notice I was gone. But eventually
, and not too far into the future, I will ask you to change me so we can be toge
ther forever."
"And I will change you, Bella, and do everything in my power to make you forever
happy that you had made that request," Jasper said. Then he kissed my forehead
and continued stroking my back. We stayed that way for a long time, until he fin
ally said "It's getting late. You'd better get ready for bed."
Knowing he was right, I left for the bathroom. I went through my evening routine
, called my good night down to Charlie and went back to the bedroom. I turned of
f the light and crawled into bed beside Jasper, in our usual spooning position,
with him on the outside of the quilt and me tucked in underneath it. He sang me
yet another new song as I was drifting off into sleep.
You don't have to touch it to be
Wrapped up in emotion like me
Everyone must feel how I do
Love is just to be close to you
Love is love is nothing without you
Love is love is everything you do
Open up your eyes and you will see
Love is love is everything to me
Thursday after school I was getting together with Angela. I knew Jasper was a li
ttle disappointed that I wasn't going over to his house to see him, but I had pr
omised Angela that I would tell her what happened that Saturday I went to Seattl
e, and I couldn't very well do that at school. Besides, after our conversation W
ednesday night, knowing that my time with my human friends was limited whereas m
y time with Jasper was not, so I felt less guilty about spending a few hours awa
y from him and bonding with Angela.
Instead of going anywhere, we opted to hang out at Angela's house. Her parents w
ouldn't be home so we'd have plenty of privacy, and neither one of us really fel
t like doing anything anyway. We just needed time to talk.
When we got to the house the first thing I did, with Angela's permission, was ca
ll Jake. I had called him every day since he got sick with the same results. Bil
ly always answered the phone and would only tell me that Jake had some sort of c
ontagious bug and so, while he was recovering, he couldn't have any visitors. It
was like listening to a recording, and this call was exactly the same. I was ge
tting very frustrated. I offered to get a mask so that whatever Jake had wouldn'
t affect me, but Billy firmly refused in a tone that made it clear that he would
n't let me into the house even if I made it to his doorstep. I hung up frustrate
d and angry.
"Nothing new?" Angela asked, looking at me sympathetically. I had told her about
my frustration with Billy earlier in the week.
"Nope. I don't understand it and I'm really getting worried. I'll give him a few
more days and then I'm going over there and seeing Jake if I have to break down
the door."
Angela laughed.
"Easy, Rambobella. I'm sure his dad is just being overprotective, doesn't want h
is sick kid disturbed. Jake's mom is gone, right? So he's doing the job of both
parents and he's probably really worried and not thinking about you."
I couldn't argue with her on that. I was always surprised at how clearly Angela
saw some things and how well she could articulate a situation. I was so glad and
lucky to have her as a friend. I gave her a spontaneous hug and then we grabbed
some snacks form the kitchen and went up to her room.
"So . . ." she said as we sat down on her bed. "You were going to tell me what y
ou were doing the day Ben and I went to Olympia?"
I took a deep breath. All week long I had been working on a cover story, somethi
ng that would satisfy Angela but would not reveal my relationship with Jasper. N
ow that I was here, though, I found I didn't want to lie or withhold information
. I needed someone else to talk to about Jasper, and I knew I could trust Angela
to keep my secrets.
"I spent that Saturday in Seattle with a guy." I said, tentatively.
She rolled her eyes. "I kind of figured that much, Bella. Who was it? Jake?"
"No!," I looked at her, surprised. She giggled and shrugged as if to say that it
wasn't such a crazy idea.
"No," I said more calmly, "but it is someone you know. Someone who used to go to
school with us. And not Edward," I added quickly, remembering her speculation t
hat I might have been heading out to LA.
Angela's eyes got wide. "A senior from last year?" she asked.
I nodded. "Now, this is probably going to shock you, but please try not to judge
until you hear me out, okay? This hasn't exactly been easy."
"Oh my God, Bella, tell me already. I'm dying. And why would I want to judge?" I
could see in her face that she was frantically going through all the boys who g
raduated in last year's Senior class, trying to figure out which one had capture
d my attention enough for me to want to spend a whole day with him in Seattle.
"It's a little complicated. He's kind of with someone. Well, he's going to break
up with her, but hasn't yet."
Angela's jaw dropped. She snapped it closed quickly but then her mouth set in a
disapproving line. I had to turn away from her harsh gaze.
"I thought you weren't going to judge," I said in a small voice. This was going
every bit as badly as I had feared.
"You're right," she said. "I'm sorry. It's just that going out with a guy who's
still in a relationship? That's really bad, you know? I mean, all I can think of
is some girl trying to go out with Ben while he's still with me."
I buried my face in my hands.
"I know. I know what I'm doing is horrible. It didn't start out that way, I swea
r. At first I thought we'd just be friends, you know? After Edward I needed a fr
iend and he needed one too, and I thought it would just be this temporary friend
ship. In fact, when we went to Seattle it was just as friends. And nothing reall
y happened, except . . ."
"Except what?"
I looked up at her. "Except at the end of the night we both admitted that we fel
t more than friendship." I said.
"Oh." Angela's disapproval faded a bit. "So you didn't actually do anything? You
just talked?"
"Yes," I wasn't quite ready to tell her about Saturday night's kiss yet. "And he
agreed to go back and talk to her, and explain that he didn't want to be togeth
er with her anymore."
"Well," Angela said, "I guess that's something. I mean, not every relationship i
s meant to last forever. As long as he lets the other girl know and doesn't try
to string both of you along . ."
I cringed at her choice of words. I knew everyone thought Jasper and Alice's rel
ationship was going to last forever. And now he was delaying telling her and str
inging both of us along. And I was a wiling participant.
"So who is it?" Angela asked. "Who has you so interested that you developed feel
ings for him knowing that he was already dating someone?"
Oh boy. That was the million dollar question, wasn't it? Knowing that she alread
y disapproved, did I dare to tell her the truth? What if this confession caused
me to lose Angela? What if she didn't want to be friends anymore with someone li
ke me? Would I be able to handle that? Then I remembered what Jake said – friends
stick by each other no matter what. So I forged ahead, despite my misgivings.
"It's Jasper," I said quietly.
Angela gasped. "Jasper Hale?" she asked in disbelief. "Edward's brother?"
I hung my head. "Yes," I confirmed quietly. I was surprised to feel Angela's arm
s around me pulling me into a hug.
"Oh, Bella, what a mess. But the Cullens are in LA. How did this happen?"
"Jasper's not in LA." I said. "He came back to Forks. He had a hard time with th
e move and needed some time alone. There were some family problems." This was cl
ose enough to the truth. I couldn't very well tell Angela that Jasper was a vamp
ire and that he tried to kill me on the night of my 18th birthday.
"I don't understand. If he's back in town how come no one's seen him?"
"He didn't want people to talk, so he's been doing shopping and stuff in Port An
geles. You know, the Cullens are pretty private. I only found out he was back be
cause I missed Edward and one evening I went out to their house and saw Jasper."
Angela leaned back away from me.
"And speaking of Edward, how is he taking this news?"
"He doesn't know," I said. "But I can't see why it would matter to him. I know I
said that our parting was mutual, Angela, but really it wasn't. He left me. He
broke up with me. He told me to see other people. I didn't have any choice."
"Jerk," She muttered under her breath. "I wouldn't of expected that from him. St
ill, I'm sure when he said other people, he didn't mean his brother," Angela sai
d reprovingly.
"Probably not," I admitted, "And Jasper and I never intended for this to happen.
But we found out we have so many things in common and enjoy each other's compan
y so much and we can't help how we feel. It's actually been really hard for both
of us. I mean, I still don't know for sure what will happen when he finally goe
s to tell Alice. There is a chance that she'll convince him to stay with her."
Angela groaned.
"Do you think he has any doubts?"
"No, not really. But, you know, she's Alice and I'm just me, so I'm nervous. He
hasn't seen her for a while and maybe when he sees her again he'll change his mi
nd?"
"Well, if he does then he's an idiot. I don't really know Alice that well, but y
ou're a great person. I don't see why anyone would choose her over you."
"Thanks, Angela," I gave her a small smile.
"So what happened? I mean, how did you. . .?" she left the question open ended,
but I knew she wanted details and I needed to share the details with someone, so
I told her everything, about the meetings, and phone calls and our day in Seatt
le.
"Wow," she said as I described all the different things we did in town. "He cert
ainly tried to sweep you off your feet, didn't he? Spared no expense?"
I blushed. "It wasn't like that," I protested. "He was just showing me different
things that he enjoyed and no one else in his family wanted to do. It was reall
y supposed to be a friendly day."
"Right." She was sceptical. "A yacht, whale watching, private lunch on top of th
e space needle, surf and turf dinner – I'm sure he had no ulterior motives whatsoe
ver. Sorry, Bella, but it sounds like he set out to seduce you and you fell for
it."
I shook my head.
"If he had been trying to seduce me, he would have tried to go a lot further tha
n he did. He didn't even kiss me, Angela. And truly, if I did fall for anything
that day, it was a pretty short fall. I was already there anyway."
Angela looked thoughtful for a while, and then frowned.
"What?" I asked her, a little worried.
"Huh?" she looked up at me, surprised. "Oh. I guess I was just confused. I mean,
what was all that stuff with Mike last week and why did you go to the bonfire w
ith him? I guess I can understand why you didn't bring Jasper, since you don't w
ant anyone to know he's here, but why did you come with Mike? Didn't Jasper have
a problem with that? And Mike? I mean, I see this week you guys are not so frie
ndly any more, but . . . I guess I just don't get it."
"I told you, Mike and I were always just friends. I went to the bonfire with him
as a friend. I agreed to go with him before Jasper and I had our talk, and I di
dn't have a good reason to cancel. But no, there's nothing romantic between Mike
and me."
Angela rubbed her temples.
"I had no idea your life was this complicated, Bella. And I honestly can't see h
ow any of this is going to end well. I mean, even assuming that Jasper does brea
k up with Alice and you two start dating, what will the Cullen holiday dinners b
e like? Are you two just going to avoid his family forever? 'Cause I can't see y
ou hanging out with Alice and Edward like nothing happened."
"I don't know, Angela. I guess I haven't really thought that far ahead. One step
at a time, you know?" One thing Jasper and I would not have to worry about was
holiday dinners, but Angela certainly would not have known that.
"And thanks, really," I added sincerely.
"For what?"
"I guess for not judging me too harshly. For listening and being a friend. It's
been hard not having anyone to talk to about this."
"Well, sure. I mean, you're my best friend. I won't lie, I'm a little surprised.
Shocked even. But if you really think this will make you happy, then I'll suppo
rt you."
I launched myself at her and gave her a huge hug. "Thank you! He really does mak
e me happy. And you are the best. Thank you so much!"
She laughed and pulled away.
"Sure. I mean, you'd do the same for me, right?"
"You know I would. Definitely." I nodded my head emphatically. Then we were quie
t for a while.
"So, when is he gonna tell her?"
I looked down. "I'm not sure," I said, my voice uncertain again. "I think he'll
go back this weekend. Maybe Sunday night or Monday morning?"
"And you'll let me know as soon as you hear from him?"
I nodded.
"And if he goes back to her?"
I took a deep breath. "Then I'll probably really need a shoulder to cry on."
She took my hand and squeezed it. "Well, I had one ready for you when I heard ab
out Edward and you didn't use it then, so it's still available. But I really hop
e you don't need it."
"Me too, Angela. Me too. But enough about me already. Tell me about you and Ben.
What did you do in Olympia?"
Angela told me all about her and Ben's day in Olympia. While their plans had not
been as elaborate as Jasper's, it sounded like they had a lot of fun. I envied
them the ability to spend the day together publicly, with everyone knowing. I co
uldn't wait to be able to do that with Jasper. And maybe some day, while I was s
till human, we could go on a a double date with Ben and Angela. I really wanted
to do that. I wanted Angela to meet the Jasper I knew, not the aloof Jasper that
she had known in school. I wanted her to approve of him and like him and be hap
py for me to be with him. I wanted to have that human experience before Jasper a
nd I embarked on our more solitary life as vampires.
I called Jasper on the way back home and he joined me in my room after dinner. T
his time he brought over the portable DVD player. We sat together on my bed, me
between his legs leaning against him, the DVD player balanced on top of my knees
, and watched another episode of Firefly. It was such a simple evening, but it m
ade me so happy.
At night, after we had settled in and turned off the light, I explained that I t
old Angela everything, and he seemed pleased for me. When I told him about my do
uble date idea, though, he actually seemed a bit worried.
"I'd never interacted with humans on that level before," he said. "What if I can
't do it? What if they think I'm weird and hate me? What if after meeting me she
decides that I'm not good enough for you?"
I laughed at the idea.
"She won't. How could she? You're wonderful! But if she or anyone else ever trie
d to talk me out of being with you, I would just ignore them. Because I know you
're more than just good enough for me – you're perfect!"
"I'm hardly perfect, Darlin'," he chuckled. "In fact, I'm deeply flawed."
"Hmmm. Then it's just like in that Sarah Teasdale poem: "your faults had made me
love you more!"
He pulled me closer to him and kissed my cheek before growling in my ear. "You'r
e not playing fair, you know."
"Oh?" I asked, not really knowing what he was talking about.
"You can't just throw that phrase around if you won't let me say it."
I considered this. I really wasn't being fair.
"You could sing it," I said softly.
"Really?" he confirmed.
"Yeah. I'm actually curious which song you would pick."
He thought about this for a while.
"Well, here's one you probably haven't heard of. It's a little before your time.
Alright, already, I'm just a no-goodnick!
Alright, already, it's true.
So new.
So sue me, sue me
What can you do me?
I love you.
"I didn't know you were a fan of musicals," I murmured. "Guys and Dolls is one o
f my favorites."
We both started laughing.
"Well, if that doesn't prove we're perfect for each other, nothing will," he ack
nowledged.
"Like I said," I replied smugly, before falling asleep.
Chapter 40: Just Like Heaven
Pulling into the clearing in front of the Cullen house Friday afternoon I was as
happy as I've ever been. During our talk Thursday Angela had agreed to cover fo
r me both today and Saturday, so I could have time to spend with Jasper. Tonight
Charlie thought I was in Port Angeles seeing a movie with Angela and Ben. Tomor
row he thought the three of us were going to the Tacoma Holiday Food and Gift Fe
stival. Angela even promised to pick me up some token gifts so that this particu
lar alibi would look authentic. All I had to do was meet her at the Newton's sto
re parking lot at the appointed time to pick up my "purchases." She really was m
y best friend and now that she knew about Jasper she was all too willing to help
, as long as I promised it would be for a limited period of time until he broke
up with Alice and officially returned to Forks.
It was hard lying to Charlie, but it would have been harder to stay away from Ja
sper, so I did what I had to do. I knew that the lies were minor – Jasper and I we
ren't really doing anything that Charlie would disapprove of if he knew about th
em, which made me feel slightly less guilty. Of course, I didn't know how well h
e would accept my dating Edward's brother, but we would have to cross that bridg
e when we came to it. If worst came to worst, Jasper could manipulate Charlie's
emotions into liking him, at least as long as he was around Charlie, though this
would be the absolutely last resort and I fervently hoped it wouldn't be necess
ary.
Jasper was waiting for me outside when I arrived and I eagerly jumped out of the
truck and into his arms. We shared a long kiss that left me breathless before h
e released me and moved to stand behind me.
"I have a surprise for you," he whispered in my ear, "but I have to make sure yo
u won't peek. Close your eyes."
I did as he asked, then felt a soft and smooth piece of fabric being wrapped ove
r my eyes. Suddenly I was completely blind. I shivered involuntarily with antici
pation and a bit of fear. I was uncoordinated enough with both eyes wide open – ho
w would I navigate the distance between the truck and the house blind? Of course
, I needn't have worried, because almost immediately I felt Jasper's arms slide
around my back and beneath my knees as he picked me up and carried me inside.
Once somewhere in the living room he set me back down again, making sure I was s
teady on my feet before releasing me. I felt his breath by my ear once more. Thi
s time, he leaned over, kissed my neck and gently nibbled my earlobe before he s
poke, causing me to lean back into his chest for support.
"I've been waiting all week for you to come over here. Not that hanging out with
you at your house isn't fun, but it's been torture waiting to show you this."
He reached behind my head and untied the fabric, slipping it off my eyes so I co
uld see again. I opened my eyes and blinked a couple of times to adjust to the l
ight. Then I gasped. Standing in front of me was a gleaming Addam's Family pinba
ll machine. My eyes widened with shock and pleasure. The conversation we had abo
ut pinball seemed so long ago. I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised that he
remembered, but I was. I was also filled with an incredible amount of joy.
I turned and wrapped my arms around him, looking up into his eyes.
"I can't believe you remembered and found it so fast," I said, my voice filled w
ith awe. "Thank you!"
"I take it you liked your surprise?" he asked, smiling widely.
"Liked it? No. I love it! We're gonna have so much fun!"
Jasper laughed. He dipped his head and brushed his lips against mine in a quick
kiss. "I love seeing you this happy over a simple pinball machine. It makes me w
onder what other toys I can get for you in the future to get you even more excit
ed," He was using his low, sexy voice and the innuendo was obvious. I blushed an
d buried my face in his chest.
"Jasper!" I admonished.
He chuckled. "Sorry, Darlin'. It was too hard to resist."
I groaned. He kept chuckling.
"Yeah, that too. So are you ready to try it out?"
"Sure," I said. "Though just to refresh my recollection I wonder if you could ta
ke the first round, the way you played that last round in Seattle?"
"Mmmm," he said, "that was probably the best round of pinball I've ever played.
Let's see if I can do it again."
I turned and we walked closer to the machine together. I placed my fingers over
the flipper buttons and he placed his hands over mine after releasing the ball.
I leaned back into him and watched as he masterfully sent the ball flying around
the field, hitting everything he needed to complete the tricks.
Much as I loved watching the game, this time I could also be more relaxed about
watching him, so I moved my head to the side and looked up at his strong chin, t
he line of his cheek bone, and his beautiful nose, all giving him such a gorgeou
s, chiseled profile. I couldn't help myself. I had to shift my head slightly so
that I could place a soft kiss on his neck. For the first time I felt him waver
in his play, moving slightly to the left and pushing his hips forward a bit, the
way I often did when playing pinball, as though the movement of my body could i
nfluence the movement of the ball across the field. Feeling powerful in my abili
ty to distract him even a little, I flicked my tongue against his neck in tiny,
almost imperceptible licks. I was rewarded with another shift and another hip bu
mp.
"I thought you wanted me to finish this round flawlessly, Darlin'," he growled.
"Oh, sorry," I said innocently, "was I distracting you?"
"Just a bit," he said, his voice slightly strained.
"Hmm, guess I have to try harder."
I tried to free my hands from the flipper buttons, but he anticipated my move an
d kept them firmly in place underneath his.
"I don't think so, you little minx," he said as he continued to play. "It's not
going to be that easy."
"Is that a challenge, Major Whitlock? 'Cause I'm not sure challenging me like th
at is in your best interest," I warned.
"I think I can handle you, Darlin', even as determined as you seem to be."
"Oh, really?" I was getting a little miffed now at being so easily dismissed. I
had already shown I could distract him with the minimum of effort, hadn't I?
I turned my head more and fastened my lips on his Adam's apple, sucking it gentl
y into my mouth. He swallowed hard, but did not interrupt his play. I lifted up
on my toes and continued to nip and nibble up his neck to his chin with a simila
r lack of results. I felt his chest shake gently with silent mirth as he continu
ed to work the flippers, keeping the ball in play. Clearly, I needed more firepo
wer, but without the use of my hands my options were limited. There was only one
thing I could think of. I narrowed my eyes in a gleeful smile as I turned to lo
ok forward again.
"Giving up already?" he teased, "I would have expected a little more perseveranc
e."
"Don't worry, Jasper. I can be quite tenacious. I'm not giving up, just changing
strategy. It's time to play hardball."
I pressed myself back against him as hard as I could, lowering myself to my heel
s then raising to my tiptoes again. I heard his sharp intake of breath and then
a muffled curse as I saw the ball travel perfectly down the middle of the field,
disappearing between the flippers.
"Gotcha," I purred.
"You were playing dirty," he accused.
"Nope," I giggled. "Just using the only weapon I had at my disposal."
He turned me around and lowered his head, pressing his lips against my neck in a
n imitation of my previous actions. I shivered and sighed. It was the most exqui
site kind of torture.
"Next time I'll have to keep better track of your military asset," he growled su
ggestively against my throat, "so that I'm not caught off guard again."
I giggled and pushed back against his chest, ducking under his arm to escape to
a safe distance.
"Military asset indeed," I said. Two could play at this double entendre game. "Y
ou're a regular comedian, Major Whitlock. A real stand-up."
"At least I have experience," he retorted with a smile, clearly understanding th
e game, "When it comes to this kind of comedy, you're all wet."
Ooh, he was good. And he was also probably right. I was certain to run out of qu
ips before he would. Still, I wasn't ready to give up quite yet.
"Maybe," I replied, "But you saw earlier what happens when you get too cocky."
And that was pretty much it. I didn't think I could come up with another clever
response.
He looked at me, gauging my mood, then nodded his head slightly in my direction
with a half-smile.
"Touché, Darlin'. You win this round, but we will play this game again some day in
 another, more appropriate venue."
"Promises, promises," I said lightly, though I was all hot and bothered inside.
The things he could do to me with just his choice of words and the tone of his v
oice were pretty amazing.
"Don't worry, I remember them all," he said with a wink.
I blushed. Darn vampire perfect recall. Or, as I reconsidered, maybe that should
be rephrased as fabulous vampire perfect recall? I kind of wanted him to rememb
er all these promises. But for now, we really needed to re-focus.
"So what now?" I asked.
"Well, now you're going to practice your pinball skills while I cook you dinner.
"
I raised an eyebrow.
"You're going to cook me dinner? Feeling so confident in your cooking skills alr
eady?"
He grimaced a little, but recovered quickly with a smile.
"I chose an easy recipe that's supposed to be a real winner. And I figure you co
ok enough to be able to tell if I really mess it up, in which case I will be hap
py to drive us to Port Angeles and take you out to dinner."
"I could help," I offered, but I knew he would refuse. Suddenly cooking for me s
eemed like something he really wanted to do, almost like a test.
"I really think I can handle it," he answered as I expected. "Just have fun. It
should only take me a half hour or so. I'll let you know when it's ready."
"All right," I said and made my way back to the pinball machine. As we passed ea
ch other, he on his way to the kitchen, he caught my left hand in his right and
brought it up to his lips for a brief kiss before letting it go. I smiled, feeli
ng all warm inside.
For the next thirty minutes I lost myself in pinball. This really was one of my
favorite machines and the more I played the more I remembered and the more comfo
rtable I became. I made a conscious effort not to look back towards the kitchen,
although the smells that were wafting over were absolutely delicious. I smelled
garlic and fresh tomatoes, pasta and chocolate. I couldn't wait to see what Jas
per was concocting so I was really excited when he finally came out of the kitch
en to stand beside me.
"Have you managed to build up an appetite?" he asked. "Dinner's on the table."
I could tell he was nervous, so I gave him my warmest smile. "I'm sure it'll be
delicious."
"I'm just hoping not to give you food poisoning."
"Don't be silly. I'm sure it will all be fine."
He took my hand as we walked to the dining room, where he had already set the ta
ble. He pulled out my chair for me and pushed me in after I sat. It all felt so
formal. I probably would have preferred to eat at the kitchen counter, but this
felt like it was important to him and I didn't want to spoil his moment.
"I'll be right back," he said and disappeared into the kitchen, presumably to pl
ate the food. He came back balancing a salad, a bread plate and an entrée. Setting
all three in front of me he looked so proud of himself, I couldn't help but gri
n from ear to ear.
"Aren't you going to eat?" he asked.
"I was hoping you'd sit with me," I said. "I know you won't be eating, but sitti
ng here alone, well, it feels a little awkward."
"Of course," he said as he sat down. "I'm sorry!"
"No, it's okay," I reassured him. "I'd just like to talk to you while I eat and
I can't do that if you're hovering."
I looked at the food he prepared. A Caesar salad, a side of Italian bread and li
nguine with shrimp in garlic butter sauce. It all looked great. I tucked into my
Caesar salad and tasted the pasta, both of which were fabulous!
"Mmmm. As I predicted, absolutely delicious!" I exclaimed after taking my first
bite. He relaxed a little.
"Really, you like it? You're not just humoring me?"
"You'd know, wouldn't you, Jasper? Do you feel anything from me right now other
than absolute enjoyment? This is wonderful! Please don't ever cook for Charlie – h
e wouldn't want to eat my stuff anymore."
He smiled and grabbed my hand. I leaned over and gave him a quick kiss.
"I'd better do this before I get permeated with garlic," I said, "Thank you. Thi
s is . . . I don't have the words. It's just really special!"
We talked while I ate. For dessert Jasper served warm brownie a la mode, which t
asted absolutely heavenly. After dinner I helped him clean up the kitchen and th
en we went into the living room to watch more Firefly. I was sad to find we were
almost at the end of the available episodes, and railed at the Fox network exec
utives who had prematurely cancelled such a great show.
I left Jasper's house before curfew. For the first time since Saturday night I w
ould be spending the night alone. Thanks to Angela and Ben we would be able to s
pend all Saturday together, but that meant that Jasper needed to hunt, so he wou
ld not be able to be with me at night. Just as I'd suspected, even though we spe
nt the night together on the phone, like before, it felt very strange and awful
to be in bed without him. I had gotten much too used to having him around. I won
dered how I would be able to handle the separation when he left for Alaska. I wo
uld not be able to see him for days. The thought made me extremely anxious.
Saturday morning Charlie and I ate breakfast before his fishing trip, though he
would be going alone. Billy was apparently still taking care of Jake.
"I'm really starting to worry about him, Dad," I complained. "Billy won't even l
et me talk to him. I mean, it's not like he can spread whatever it is he has thr
ough the phone line."
"It is a little strange," Charlie admitted. "Tell you what, I'll stop over there
after I'm done and see if I can find anything out, all right? I'll try to talk
Billy into letting you visit."
"Thanks, dad," I gave him a quick hug. "I can't go today, obviously, and I'm wor
king tomorrow and Monday, but I couuld head over there Tuesday evening. That wil
l give Jake that much more time to get better."
"All right, Bells, I'll see what I can do. I'm sure Billy will be reasonable."
Based on Billy's attitude the past week I didn't share Charlie's certainty, but
he had a better chance of convincing Billy of letting me visit Jake than I did,
so I had to let him try. And if that didn't work then Billy had better get used
to having someone camped out on his door step, because I was going to La Push ne
xt week and I wouldn't leave until I saw or spoke with Jake.
After Charlie left I drove over to Jasper's. As usual, he was waiting for me out
side.
"I missed you last night," I told him as he enveloped me in his arms. "It's just
not the same without you there."
"I know, Darlin'. It was strange hunting at night again," he smiled. "Easier, th
ough. I think our last week together lulled the animals into a false sense of se
curity." He kissed me sweetly and I melted.
"So what would you like to do today?" he asked. "We can stay here, go hiking, go
for a drive. . ."
My eyes lit up at the last suggestion.
"You'll take me for a ride in the Shooting Star?"
He laughed, a full laugh that had him throwing his head back. He looked absolute
ly glorious.
"How the hell do you keep surprising me like that, Bella? From Guys and Dolls to
Speed Racer? I already thought you were perfect, Darlin', and yet you keep impr
oving on that perfection every day!"
I smiled. "I bet I have a lot more surprises up my sleeve, Racer. Now, how about
that ride? I can't wait to watch you drive again."
"Well, I certainly would not want to keep you waiting. Let's go."
The car was as sexy as I remembered and reminded me just as much of Jasper as it
did the first time. I sat back and relaxed in the bucket seat, turning to watch
him expertly maneuver the vehicle out of the garage and towards the road.
"Are we going anywhere in particular?" he asked.
I shook my head.
"Let's just drive for a while. When we see something interesting we can stop. Ot
herwise, I just want to enjoy the ride."
"A woman after my own heart. Hang in there, Darlin', and I'll show you what this
Shooting Star can do."
He headed south, and once we were out of town he accelerated to some ungodly spe
ed. Oddly enough, I felt none of the apprehension I always used to feel with Edw
ard behind the wheel. This car, as an extension of Jasper, seemed to function be
st when it was really revved up and nearly flying. Somehow, the faster we drove,
the more secure I felt.
For a while Jasper and I didn't talk, just took turns watching each other. I was
happy and content and I could tell he was enjoying himself as well. The hum of
the engine was soothing and it helped me drift off into my thoughts, as I imagin
ed what life would be like for us after I turned into a vampire. It seemed so st
range to think about now. Before, I had always assumed that after I became a vam
pire Edward and I would live with the rest of the Cullens. But now, with the sit
uation between Edward and me and Alice and Jasper, that probably was not going t
o be possible. So Jasper and I would likely live by ourselves, our own little co
ven, just like his friends Peter and Charlotte. Would we try to stay in one plac
e, or would we move around like the nomads? Without the Cullens, what would we d
o to suport ourselves? Question after question crowded into my head. It was gett
ing overwhelming.
"You're deep in thought," Jasper's voice broke into my musings. "Care to share?"
"I was just thinking what things will be like after I become a vampire. How does
that work, exactly?"
Jasper grimaced.
"I can't lie to you, Bella, it's extremely painful. It's the most excruciating t
hree days of any vampire's existence and the memory of the pain stays with you f
orever. I will try to make sure I get enough venom into you to speed up the proc
ess as much as possible and I will try to ease your pain as well, but I don't be
lieve there is a way to eliminate the pain completely."
I shuddered. I remembered the pain I felt when James bit me last spring. It only
lasted for a few minutes until Edward sucked out the venom, but I knew I would
never forget the horror of it. To have to endure that pain for three days seemed
absolutely impossible.
"But then, after the three days, it'll all be over, right?" I asked weakly.
"The pain will be over, yes."
I could tell by the tone of his voice that he wasn't telling me everything.
"But?" I prodded.
He sighed. I noticed that the car was slowing down and I was momentarily distrac
ted as I looked around.
"Where are we?" I asked curiously.
"Ocean City State Park," he answered. "I thought maybe we could go for a walk on
the beach?"
"Okay," I said, as I realized that other than the Seattle waterfront, Jasper and
I hadn't been to a beach together. "That sounds nice."
He helped me out of the car and we walked, hand in hand, until we found the beac
h trail. From there it was a short walk though the woods to the beach itself. Th
is time of year the weather was fairly cold, so even though it was a Saturday, t
he beach was practically deserted, with only a few birds noticing our arrival. I
shivered from the cold and Jasper quickly offered me his jacket which, knowing
that he would not suffer from the cold, I gladly accepted. Once I had his jacket
on he placed his right arm around me and we walked leisurely along the sand, st
aying away from the cold water.
"The pain will be over after three days, but?" I reminded him of the previous co
nversation.
He looked down at me and, realizing that I was determined to get an answer, cont
inued his previous line of thought.
"But for the next year you won't exactly be yourself."
"Not myself? What do you mean?"
"Newborn vampires are much like newborn human children. They live to satisfy onl
y the most basic needs. Human infants seem to need to sleep, eat, get rid of was
te and be touched. Vampire newborns only have one need – blood. The blood lust com
pletely overwhelms them and prevents them from thinking about anything else. The
ir sole desire is to feed as much as possible, and they crave human blood."
"But Carlisle never . . ."
"Carlisle is an extremely unique individual. He is the only vampire I know who h
ad been able to resist killing humans without the guidance of his maker. His hum
an spiritual foundation was extremely strong. And even though Carlisle does not
believe himself to have any special powers, I believe his ability to resist huma
n blood and to co-exist with bleeding humans on a daily basis as he must in his
job, is a special ability. Under the right circumstances it's an ability that co
uld prove to be very strategic . . ."
"Jasper!" I could see talking about newborn vampires was stirring up a lot of me
mories for him, and his mindset was shifting to that of a military leader. While
I loved that side of him, especially when he was protecting me from Laurent, ri
ght now I needed him to tell me what to expect after my transformation.
He looked down at me, startled. Then, realizing what he had said, he gave me an
apologetic smile.
"Sorry, Darlin'. Old habits die hard, I guess."
"It's okay. I understand. But back to what I will be like as a newborn. Are you
telling me that for months after I turn into a vampire my single drive will be t
o kill people and drink their blood?"
He looked away. "I'm afraid so, which means that we will have to find a place to
live very far away from any humans. I will be absorbing some of your bloodlust
just by being around you so even though I fully expect I will be able to control
you and myself, it will be best if we remove ourselves completely from any temp
tation. I was thinking we could live far in Northern Canada. The cold won't both
er us, there will be animals for us to hunt and few humans ever venture there."
"Few humans?"
"Bella, there's no place on earth we can go where we are guaranteed not to encou
nter any humans. There always seems to be someone with a death wish who goes on
an expedition to places men are not meant to go. But with an area as large as no
rthern Canada, and with as few people who make it there, the odds of us running
into one of those foolish humans are extremely small."
I pondered what he had told me. A year of living in the freezing cold with no de
sire other than to drink human blood. It sounded horrible. Not just for me, but
for him as well.
"Jasper?" I asked with some trepidation, "Won't you resent me for taking you awa
y from civilization and forcing you to spend that year with me when I will be so
awful? I mean, I won't be me anymore. Will you still want to stay with me after
I change?"
He stopped, turned towards me and pulled me into his arms, lifting me so I was a
t his eye level. "You'll be acting a little differently, but underneath it all y
ou will always be you, Bella, and I will always want to be with you, forever! Do
you really think some newborn vampire growing pains could chase me away? Especi
ally with all the experience I've had with rearing newborns? No, Darlin', once I
change you I intend never to leave your side. In fact, I rather look forward to
that first year of yours. I'm experienced in teaching newborns how to channel t
heir blood lust into violence, but with you I intend to try something different.
"
I gulped. "Diff . . . different?" I stuttered, unable to break away from his inc
reasingly darkening eyes. My breathing quickened.
"Quite." His voice just a bit more raspy than normal. "I'm hoping to be able to
teach you how to channel your blood lust into just plain old fashioned lust. And
if I'm successful, that will give us a year neither of us will ever want to for
get. Does that sound acceptable?"
My affirmative response was lost as his mouth lowered and captured mine in an el
ectrically charged kiss that stunned me to the core with its intensity. I felt h
is tongue probing at the junction between my lips, which parted easily to give h
im entrance and allowed him to freely explore the inside of my mouth, coating ev
ery surface with his delicious spicy flavor until I was drowning in his essence.
I slid my hands into his hair and interlocked my legs around him tightly to pre
ss myself even closer to him, trying to somehow merge myself into his body.
I dimly felt a change in elevation as he slid to his knees, still holding me tig
htly and never breaking off that incredible, mind blowing kiss. I felt completel
y consumed, absorbed, devoured, yet the feeling brought with it the most incredi
ble amount of pleasure. Words failed to describe the sensations spreading throug
h my body. It was as if all of nature's most powerful and forceful phenomena – ear
thquakes, tornadoes, tsunamis, flash floods, hurricanes, avalanches and forest f
ires – existed within me all at once, unbearable and exquisite. For a moment I was
on an edge of a precipice, waiting for something I could not identify but wante
d more than I've ever wanted anything in my life, all of my muscles tense and co
iled with the anticipation. And then, as if a spring had sprung, all of the tens
ion was released in a pulsing riptide of relaxation and I was floating, no longe
r connected to my physical body, but existing entirely in the state of unadulter
ated bliss.
Gradually I floated back into my body and became aware of changes. Jasper's lips
were no longer covering mine and his forehead was now pressed into the space be
tween my neck and collar bone, his heavy, ragged breaths meeting the tone and te
mpo of my own. My hands were still intertwined in his hair and I used them now t
o pull up his head as I leaned back to look at him with glazed eyes.
"Oh. My. God!" I said breathlessly.
"I know." he said.
"What was that? What did you do to me?"
He leaned over to kiss me, gently and quickly but still sending a shiver right t
hrough me.
"I really didn't do anything," he sounded almost apologetic. "Well, I may have i
nadvertently shared some of what I was already feeling from you, but I swear, Be
lla, I wasn't trying to manipulate . . ."
I placed a finger over his mouth to silence him and shook my head. I was suddenl
y feeling more self-possessed and self-confident.
"That was a rhetorical question, Racer," I said. "I'm not so naïve that I can't re
cognize what happened and that emotionally it was all me. I just meant, wow. Jus
t wow. And how does that song go? Show me, show me, show me how you do that tric
k?"
He laughed in relief and pulled me into a tight embrace. "Are you trying to tell
me that was . . ."
"Yup. Just like heaven."
He held me for a long time with neither one of us saying a word. Finally, as the
flush started to leave my cheeks and I once more became aware of the chill in t
he wind, I pressed my lips against his ear and said "I love you, Jasper Whitlock
. And to answer your earlier question, a year of that sort of instruction would
be more than acceptable. In fact, it may not be long enough."