How to Speak So They Will Listen, How to Listen So They Will Speak

1. Why helping is so hard sometimes

a. When we see problems, we have a reflexive tendency to provide solutions
i. The “righting reflex”
1. An attempt to “correct” a problem for someone
a. Obnoxious helpers tool-kit
i. Advice giving
ii. Warnings
iii. ‘Expert’ opinions
iv. ‘War’ stories
v. Persuasion
b. The issue with righting
i. People resist persuasion when they are ambivalent about change
ii. Arguing is one of the nastier forms of righting reflex
1. Arguing is emotionally laden persuasion
2. Consequences of arguing
a. Decreases relationship closeness and satisfaction
b. Increases motivation to protect our beliefs and ideas
i. Motivated reasoning
c. Decreases likelihood that we will seek help from the person we argue with
d. Decreases the likelihood that we will change
2. Motivational interviewing
a. Committed to renewed changes versus argument and trying to find counterargument
b. Collaborative conversation style for strengthening a person’s own motivation and commitment to
change (Miller & Rollnick, 2013)
i. Evidence-based approach to talking to others about change
c. First steps in learning M.I.
i. Building a connection (O.A.R.S)
1. Open-ended questions
2. Affirmations
a. Accentuate positive, support, encourage, and to recognize inherent worth
 i. Use compliments
ii. Statements of appreciation and understanding
iii. Builds rapport and reinforces exploration; builds self-efficacy
3. Reflections
a. Making guess at what the person means
b. Given in form of statement, not question (2-3 reflections for every
question – too many questions feels like interrogation)
c. Repeat – direct restatement of what person said
d. Rephrase – saying same thing in slightly different words
e. Paraphrase – making a guess about a meaning; usually adds something not
directly said
4. Summarizations
a. Effective way to communicate understanding, compassion, and empathy
b. Used to ensure completeness of understanding
ii. Evoking change talk
1. MI works because two things happen during conversations:
a. Person being helped feels understood
b. Person being helped makes statements that favor change
2. DARN
a. Desire, ability, reasons, need
iii. Partnering with solutions
1. Help them come up with their own solution
a. Ask permission to disclose information (not advice)
b. Reinforce autonomy after asking for permission to disclose information