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Nicko Mabanta
Jennifer Rodrick
English 115
18 November 2018
In the novel, Play It as It Lays, by Joan Didion, Maria Wyeth has experienced many
sufferings in her life. Her parents committed suicide, her ex-husband, Ivan Costello, abused her
and used her for money, and her former husband, Carter Lang, also abused her when they were
together. Maria was also forced to have an abortion, which tore her life apart, and caused her to
have nightmares. Even with all the suffering she receives, Maria keeps on playing; she keeps on
living. She does not give up. BZ asked Maria to commit suicide with her, but she refused. Maria
keeps on playing the game and does not give up because of her daughter, Kate.
Maria loves her daughter, Kate, very much. She is willing to make Kate happy and safe at
all times. She adores Kate to the point that her life would start to fall apart when she can’t be
with her. Kate is sick in the hospital; she seems to have a mental illness. In Chapter 22, Maria
makes an unscheduled visit to her daughter, Kate. “‘YOU SHOULD ALWAYS CALL before
you come,’ the nurse in charge of Kate's cottage said on Sunday” (Didion 72). Maria visited Kate
in the hospital without letting the nurse or the doctor know that she’s coming. Not only Maria
would make unscheduled visits to her daughter, she would also visit her many times. This was
shown in Chapter 22 when the nurse in the hospital told Maria that she should visit Kate next
week instead. The nurse in the hospital said, “[The nurse said,] ‘We definitely would have
suggested you [Maria] wait until next week’” (Didion 72). This shows that Maria visits Kate
more often than what the nurses and doctors want. Maria’s frequent visits had become a dismay
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to them. In order to see Kate more often, Maria would also walk off sets in her acting career. In
Chapter 11, Freddy Chaikin calls Maria about her walking off the set. “[He said,] ‘—an actress
walks off a set, people tend to think she doesn't want to work’” (Didion 28). Maria then would
make excuses about it. “[She said,] ‘That was almost a year ago. I was sick. I was upset about
Kate. I haven't walked off any more sets, you know that, Freddy’” (Didion 28). Maria adores
Kate so much that she would walk off her sets and make excuses about it just to see Kate.
Maria loves Kate to the point that she would suffer and have an abortion just to keep Kate
beside her. Because of her career as an actor, Maria cannot see or be with Kate all the time.
Because of this, her life becomes unstable. Craving for Kate’s love to her, Maria had sexual
intercourses with other men. Knowing that she might be pregnant from one of the men she had
slept with, she goes to a doctor on Wilshire. “Because I [Maria] went to this doctor and the test
he did in his office was positive but that’s not an absolutely certain test so he had me bring in
some urine for a rabbit test. And he gave me this shot. And if I really wasn't the shot would make
me bleed in three to five days” (Didion 50). The doctor from Wilshire gave her pregnancy tests
to determine if she was really pregnant. Maria then said, “and it was six days ago I had the shot.”
(Didion 50). Maria took the shot the doctor gave her and did not bleed for six days, meaning that
Maria was really pregnant. Knowing that she was pregnant, Maria looks for the right time to tell
Carter about it. Maria informed Carter about it when he was driving with her from the beach.
“[Maria said,] ‘I’ve got a fantastic vocabulary and I’m having a baby’” (Didion 48). Carter was
mad about it. In Chapter 13, Carter forced Maria to have an abortion. “‘Get a pencil,’ he [Carter]
ordered. He was going to give her a telephone number. He was going to give her the telephone
number of the only man in Los Angeles County who did clean work” (Didion 54). Carter knows
a doctor in a black market who does illegal abortions in Los Angeles. Carter wanted Maria to
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write down the telephone number of this doctor, so she would get an abortion. Maria didn’t want
to get an abortion. She wanted to keep the baby. Carter, however, threatens to take away from
her if she doesn’t do it. “[Carter said,] ‘All right, don’t do it… And I’ll take Kate’” (Didion 54).
“‘Listen,’ she said. ‘If I do this, then you promise I can have Kate? You promise there won’t be
trouble later’” (Didion 54)? This shows that Maria’s love to Kate is so strong that she would get
an abortion just to keep her; she is willing to give up everything, even her unborn baby, just to
have Kate beside her. After the abortion, Maria loses her control over her mind. According to the
article, “Induced abortion and anxiety, mood, and substance abuse disorders: Isolating the effects
of abortion in the national comorbidity survey,” by Priscilla Coleman, abortion can increase the
risk of mental problems. She said that in her study, “women who have aborted are at a higher
risk for a variety of mental health problems including anxiety (panic attacks, panic disorder,
agoraphobia, PTSD), mood (bipolar disorder, major depression with and without hierarchy), and
substance abuse disorders when compared to women without a history of abortion after controls
were instituted for a wide range of personal, situational, and demographic factors” (Coleman 1).
In other words, abortion can psychologically damage women. Maria, who just had an abortion,
was also having mental problems, specifically, PTSD. Maria was seeing things and was also
having nightmares. In Chapter 33, Maria was experiencing nightmares. “Workmen appeared,
rooms were prepared. The man in the white duck pants materialized and then the doctor, in his
rubber apron. At that point she would fight for consciousness but she was never able to wake
herself before the dream revealed its inexorable intention, before the plumbing stopped up,
before they all fled and left her there, gray water bubbling up in every sink” (Didion 96). Maria
would always dream about the day she had an abortion. This includes the man in the white duck
pants who took her to the doctor, and the doctor who performed the abortion. In the same
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chapter, it shows that Maria was also seeing things. “Of course she could not call a plumber,
because she had known all along what would be found in the pipes, what hacked pieces of
human flesh” (Didion 97). Maria would see her aborted baby in her mind and make her lose
control of herself. Knowing that abortion is illegal at that time, Maria decided to do it anyway
and suffer from PTSD because she loves Kate. She loves Kate so much that she’s willing to
Maria loves Kate so much that she would keep playing despite her endless suffering. At
the end of the book, Maria and BZ knew what nothing means. To them, it means that life has no
meaning; nothing matters anymore. It means to them that there is no reason to live. So, BZ
decides to stop playing this game. He also tried to convince Maria to stop playing too. “‘Grain-
and-a-half Seconal. You want some?’ She looked at him. ‘No.’ ‘You're still playing.’ BZ did not
take his eyes from hers. ‘Some day you'll wake up and you just won't feel like playing any
more’” (Didion 212). Playing means living. BZ has decided to stop playing; he wants Maria to
stop playing also. The article, “Biblical Analogues in Joan Didion’s Play It as It Lays,” by
Michelle Loris, shows that Maria would still play the game despite her emptiness. “Though she
does recognize and is weary of a life grown intolerable, she negates the nothingness by choosing
to live. Maria has learned that the vital issue of the desert is to decide whether to live or die. She
does not give in to the emptiness and despair with which BZ tempts her” (Loris 290). BZ has
experienced nothingness; that’s why he killed himself. He feels that he doesn’t have reason to
live anymore. Maria has experienced nothingness too, but still decides to keep playing. Maria
has not given up on life. She has a reason to live. In her monologue, she said, “Why bother, you
might ask. I bother for Kate. What I play for here is Kate. Carter put Kate in there and I am going
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to get her out” (Didion 4). Maria’s love for Kate is so strong that she’s willing to stay in the
Maria loves her daughter so much. She loves Kate so much that she’s willing to do
anything and give up everything just to see her. Maria would always visit her in the hospital
without the doctors’ or nurses’ permissions. She had an abortion to prevent Carter from taking
Kate away from her. Maria had the chance to end her suffering with BZ, but she did not. Despite
all the abuse, suffering, nightmares, visions, and sacrifices, Maria would still play the game. She
ignores the meaning of nothingness and decide to live. She would keep on playing because of
Kate; she loves Kate; she’s willing to give up everything just to see Kate.
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Works Cited
Coleman, Priscilla K, et al. “Induced Abortion and Anxiety, Mood, and Substance Abuse
2018.
Didion, Joan. Play It as It Lays: a Novel. Farrar, Straus & Giroux, 2005. Accessed November 17,
2018.
Loris, Michelle. “Biblical Analogues in Joan Didion’s Play It As It Lays.” Renascence: Essays
on Values in Literature, vol. 68, no. 4, 2016, pp. 284–293. Accessed November 17, 2018.