The Origins of Falling-in-Love and Infatuation

G E O R G E L . C H R I S T I E ,
Melbourne, Australia
M.B.B.S., D.P.M., M.A.N.Z.C.P *

INTRODUCTION
A few years ago I became aware of the remarkable strength of the forces
involved i n the process known as falling-in-love. Since then I have been
curious as to the nature of this process, and intrigued by the way human
beings i n love can exhibit a spectrum of behavior patterns ranging from the
reasonably normal to the manifestly pathologic. M y paper will be dealing
only with this romantic love and not with the more lasting forms of adult
attachment which may or may not evolve out of i t .
A search of the literature reveals that although psychoanalysts and others
have written a great deal about the nature and origins of human love and
hate, their writings contain relatively little mention of passionate love i n the
romantic sense. This seems a little surprising i n view of the fact that le
g r a n d a m o u r has always proved such a rich source of inspiration to the poet,
the novelist, and the popular song composer.
To fall i n love means to participate in one of the most intense and person-
centered emotional experiences available to man. Being i n love can re-
juvenate a bored or depressed individual and may awaken previously un-
suspected capacities for enjoying aesthetic sense experience (music, nature).
But the falling-in-love process is also an unsettling one. The very term
f a l l i n g - i n - l o v e conveys how the phenomenon threatens the autonomy of the
ego, and the related term "love at first sight" indicates how suddenly and
dramatically this can develop.
Certain instinctual behavior patterns i n birds and animals bear a re-
semblance to falling-in-love (Lorenz). They are triggered by specific sense
stimuli (visual, olfactory, and so on) and usually lead to lasting pair bond-
ings between mates ( 1 ) . Whether or not such reflex actions occur i n
humans remains to be proved, but, even i f they do, psychologic and socio-
cultural factors are certainly involved as well. We know that unconscious
unresolved oedipal yearnings can cause a man to fall i n love with a woman
who resembles his mother, sister, or daughter; for instance, Charles Dickens
became involved i n an intense affair with a young woman immediately
* Senior Lecturer (part time) D e p a r t m e n t o f Psychological M e d i c i n e , M o n a s h
University, M e l b o u r n e ; H o n o r a r y Psychiatrist, Q u e e n V i c t o r i a M e m o r i a l H o s p i t a l .
M a i l i n g address: 2 Collins St., M e l b o u r n e , A u s t r a l i a 3 0 0 0 .

244
T H E ORIGINS OF F A L L I N G - I N - L O V E AND INFATUATION 245

following the marriage of his daughter of the same age, and soon after the
death of his mother ( 2 ) . We also know that falling-in-love appears more
noticeably i n some cultures than others, and is more prominent i n certain
historical periods of any one culture.
Observation of love experiences i n patients, friends, relatives, and myself
suggests to me that one can divide falling-in-love experiences into two main
types ( 3 ) :
1. A "normal" form characterized by mutuality, tenderness, idealization,
and an enhanced physical and psychologic functioning.
2. A "pathologic" form characterized by a more intense preoccupation
(obsession), ambivalence, impaired ego functioning, and "acting out" in the
psychoanalytic sense of the term.
I feel that the term i n f a t u a t i o n is appropriate for this second or pathologic
type as i t implies an extreme of irrational preoccupation (dictionary defini-
tion : Infatuation—an unreasoning passion or attraction, s y n . folly, madness,
intoxication, foolishness, unreason. Infatuate—to make a fool of: "Whom
the gods intend to destroy they first infatuate").
I will now describe i n detail these two forms of falling-in-love as I see
them, with a brief review of the relevant literature.

"Normal" Falling-in-Love
This consists of an intense affective experience in which an individual
becomes preoccupied with passionate and tender feelings toward another
person, sometimes surprisingly suddenly. For this love state to develop
fully, of course, the experience needs to be a mutual one.
I t is characteristic for the lover, at least initially, to overvalue or idealize
the loved one, endowing her (him) with personality attributes determined
by his (her) ego ideal. This idealization is often accompanied by tendencies
toward modesty or even self-denigration.
The love feelings are romantic and tender i n quality. Genital sexual
drive can be strong but there is far from being any constant relationship be-
tween falling-in-love and genital sexuality. A n exciting romance may be
accompanied by no great genital sexual arousal, while intense sexual desire
may sometimes be felt for a person who is hardly known or even actually
disliked. However, the intensity of romantic love feelings does increase
in the presence of an external or internal barrier to gratification of genital
sexual drive, and clearly decreases in response to genital gratification. I n
some cultures and historical periods, medieval Europe, for example, one
finds the courting of a relatively inaccessible maiden associated with passion-
ate love feelings and a flowering of love songs and poetry, while in others
(the Palau Islands today) free genital sexuality is accompanied by little or
no romantic love or aesthetic forms of love expression.
246 AMERICAN J O U R N A L OF P S Y C H O T H E R A P Y

The physical health of the person i n love is commonly enhanced. He

develops a good complexion and color, looks younger and more alive, and
may show a new spring in his step. There will be phases of anxiety or de-
jection, of course, leading to such physical sequelae as sleeplessness or
anorexia. But if the love is developing into a mutual experience, these
phases will be transient.
Over-all, the ego functioning of the lover seems to be improved. Per-
ception becomes sharper and he enjoys a heightened capacity for aesthetic
sense experience (music, poetry, and nature). His morale rises, hope revives
and he begins to feel better about people and more generous in his judgments
of them. Initiative usually increases, for instance, i n the planning of mar-
riage and parenthood, or i n the discreet and considerate handling of an
affair. Paradoxically, however, the regressive element i n falling-in-love is
marked and seems to me to be crucial for our understanding of the phe-
nomenon. Adult lovers will re-experience adolescent enthusiasms—they
may run or jump with joy. Oedipal residues will help to determine object
choice in the first place and will contribute to transient jealousies and mis-
understandings which may involve intense anger.
However, regression goes further than that. Much of the behavior of
two people in love can best be understood, in my opinion, i n terms of re-
gression to a blissful and mutual parent-infant (usually mother-infant) style
of tenderness and caring with each person taking turns in playing the role
of mother or infant. The use of name diminutives and even baby-talk by
young lovers is very common, of course. And many ballads, love poems, and
popular songs contain mother-infant imagery; for example, among the
popular songs of recent decades we can find "Come to Me M y Melancholy
Baby," "Someone to Watch Over M e , " "Pretty Baby," and "Love is like a
New-Born Child."
Much of this regression i n falling-in-love is not pathologic. I t is a "re-
gression in the service of the ego" (4), resulting in more fulfilled and more
effective living. The egos of the lovers are usually determining when and
where overt regressions are occurring and are regaining control even when
temporarily overwhelmed. Falling-in-love, then, remains an ego harnessed
regressive phenomenon with ego-syntonic drives. Other drives can be re-
leased by regression and may become absorbed into the process of creativity.
I n writing of Picasso's love affairs Brassai states: "Each amorous experience
releases a new and original form of expression and i t often bears the name of
a woman" (5).
The "normal" falling-in-love experience is a phenomenon of youth but
can occur i n later years under certain circumstances. The love state may
continue during lengthy periods of separation but there is a relative constancy
of the love object. Even when the intensity of the being-in-love feeling
wanes in time, the earlier passion can be remembered, and something of the
T H E ORIGINS OF F A L L I N G - I N - L O V E AND INFATUATION 247

old mood can be revived i n awareness by nostalgic associations—the stimulus

of a sentimental song or the sight of an old photograph.

Infatuation
This can begin as a falling-in-love phenomenon, but important differ-
ences become manifest as the process develops. Preoccupation with the love
object is even more intense and engrossing. I t is characterized by self-
centeredness and ambivalence, and the qualities of overvaluation and ten-
derness are present inconsistently, if they are present at all. The hostile
component of the ambivalence may be very evident to the observer, even if
expressed only indirectly, and many infatuations become more and more de-
structive to one or both parties. For instance, there is the unfortunate type
of unprofessional affair that may develop between a doctor and his patient,
or between a disturbed university lecturer and a susceptible student acting
out a deep, ambivalent attachment to her own father (or mother). Doctor-
patient, teacher-student and employer-employee liaisons are often infatua-
tions, not only because they facilitate the emergence of parent-child and
child-parent transferences but perhaps also because only the more patho-
logically intense transferences can override the ethical barriers present.
Genital sexuality may be a relatively minor part of infatuation and may even
be absent from the relationship. When present, i t may be obsessive or other-
wise abnormal rather than expressive of true mutuality and tenderness.
A person involved i n an infatuation usually looks pale and worried most
of the time, and may present clinical evidence of anxiety-depressive reaction
or even borderline phenomena. Ego-functioning is always impaired and
there is usually a serious decline i n the output and quality of the individual's
work, and i n his attention to obligations. Often the infatuated individual
acts in ways that are quite uncharacteristic for him, and his behavior can
surprise even those in a position to know him well. He may feel helpless in
the face of vaguely alien forces which are beyond his conscious control
("this thing is bigger than the two of us").
Regression is always marked and persistent and each infantile psycho-
sexual level may be involved. Intense demandingness, intolerance of frus-
tration, and separation anxiety can indicate the oral level. Anal problems
may be manifested in sadomasochistic power struggles. Pathologic oedipal
conflicts may be expressed in the thinly veiled incestuous themes of the
doctor-patient affair and i n the psychotic acting out of the c r i m e passionnel,
where an infatuated individual murders a real or fancied rival. Not infre-
quently one sees a situation where each partner begins to feel better when-
ever the agonized needfulness of the other becomes evident, only to regress
again in turn whenever the other partner begins to regain self-direction. I n
this way the two individuals continue to push the pathologic needfulness
from one to the other, as if i t were a hot potato.
248 AMERICAN J O U R N A L OF P S Y C H O T H E R A P Y

A distinctive infatuation pattern of feeling and behavior may emerge i n

people who experience repeated infatuations: a pattern characteristic of
the person concerned.
Infatuation is largely an uncontrolled regressive phenomenon rather
than an ego-harnessed one. The infatuation experience eventually subsides
— i t may even be transient—and subsequently the intense feelings cannot be
recaptured by an effort of will. The individual can recall the experience
but he cannot recapture the feeling and he may find his previous behavior
ego-alien and inexplicable ( " I must have been m a d " ) . Infatuation may not
survive for long if there is an enforced separation between the two parties
concerned, and, i n this respect, the love object is potentially more inter-
changeable than occurs i n the healthier falling-in-love experience.
Infatuation may occur at any age and can be a presenting symptom i n a
neurotic or psychotic decompensation. A symptomatic infatuation, like
symptomatic drinking, can be a sign of a developing depressive illness, and
can make a similar contribution to a vicious circle of destructive acting out
and loss of self-esteem. However, a symptomatic infatuation is not always
a retrogressive development. I was told of a schizophrenic patient who
moved from an out-of-contact position to an intense psychotic infatuation,
and this would appear to have been a step forward.
The adolescent is understandably prone to infatuations (intense crushes).
He is trying to wean himself from his infantile love objects while still living
under the family roof. His sexual and aggressive drives are intensifying
markedly while his ego structure is still immature.

Differences between N o r m a l F a l l i n g - i n - L o v e and Infatuation

Normal Pathologic [Infatuation)
Preoccupation with love object M o r e intense preoccupation
Tenderness Self-centeredness
Overvaluation (idealization) o f Ambivalence
love object
Genital drive m a y b e strong I m p a i r e d o r obsessive g e n i t a l d r i v e
Individual looks w e l l Anxiety, depression
S o m e regressive features M a r k e d a n d persistent regression
Ego functioning maintained o renhanced Loss o f ego controls a n d acting out
Ego-syntonic behavior T h e infatuation behavior m a y b eego-
alien at other times
Feelings c a nb e r e m e m b e r e d later A m n e s i a for feelings later

The two columns i n the chart can be regarded as rather idealized and
pathologic extremes of a continuum, and most falling-in-love experiences
actually fall somewhere in between (with some movement to and f r o ) . The
columns are more or less applicable to homosexual love affairs as well as
T H E ORIGINS OF F A L L I N G - I N - L O V E AND INFATUATION 249
to heterosexual ones, but in my experience the homosexual affairs usually
tend to the right hand or pathologic extreme.
A falling-in-love experience may begin on the left and then develop
more and more i n the pathologic direction. Movement from right to left
can sometimes occur and appears to be facilitated by the development of
creativity (regression coming into the service of the ego).
D u r i n g Charles Dickens 5
i n f a t u a t i o n w i t h the y o u n g w o m a n his behavior became
very disturbed. H i s attitude t o w a r d h e rv a r i e d f r o m a severe pathologic jealousy
with bitter verbal abuse t o a pathetic, self-abasing pleading f o r h e r love. H i s
friends b e c a m e w o r r i e d w h e n , i n his readings t o the p u b l i c a tthis t i m e , h e a p p e a r e d
to d w e l l w i t h d r a m a t i c intensity u p o n t h e scene i n O l i v e r T w i s t w h e r e Bill Sykes
beats N a n c y t o death. H o w e v e r , this creative safety valve m a y well have spared
his p a r a m o u r f r o m a tleast s o m e o f the force o f his w r a t h .

A Review of t h e L i t e r a t u r e P e r t a i n i n g t o F a l l i n g - i n - L o v e
I n this brief review I will consider contributions from the fields of
psychoanalysis, sociology, and ethology.

PSYCHOANALYSIS
Freud showed interest i n falling-in-love and wrote about idealization and
the development of tenderness. He regarded idealization as a process i n
which a person substitutes the loved one for his loved intrapsychic ego ideal,
thus allowing a transfer of self-love (narcissistic libido) from the ego ideal
to the now idealized love object, with a corresponding depletion of narcissism
and the emergence of a modest and unassuming attitude.
Freud, i n 1922, first wrote of tenderness as a phenomenon arising directly
from the child's successful repression of his oedipal sexual drives ( 6 ) .
Thereafter, conscious tenderness and the now unconscious sexual current
were believed to coexist until in adolescence the individual achieves a certain
degree of synthesis between the tender romantic feelings and the sexual
ones. Freud argued that the degree to which anyone is " i n love," as con-
trasted with being just sexually attracted, depends upon the proportion of
his feelings taken up by the aim-inhibited instincts of tenderness.
I n 1925 Freud presented a second view of tenderness as an archaic
quality which arises i n conjunction with the ancient self-preserving instincts
(7). I n 1930 he described how the lover, from overvaluing the loved per-
son, goes so far as to lose any clear distinction i n his own mind between him-
self and the beloved ( 8 ) . Later Freud saw this aspect as representing at
least a partial return to the original state before the discrimination of self
from mother.
I n his 1935 book The O r i g i n s of Love and H a t e Suttie wrote that the
complete passion of love integrates genital appetite with that love or tender-
ness deriving from infantile needs ( 9 ) . Suttie was very critical of psycho-
analytic theory and suggested that Freud had blind spots for the "mother"
250 AMERICAN J O U R N A L OF PSYCHOTHERAPY

and for love. This criticism seems rather harsh in view of the fact that
Suttie later quotes a passage in which Freud states his awareness that every-
thing i n analysis connected with the first mother attachment has seemed to
him elusive and lost i n a past dim and shadowy, whereas certain women
analysts seemed to apprehend the facts with greater ease and clearness.
Fenichel suggested that tenderness requires the development of "a
higher identification" which in love determines an extreme of consideration
for the loved one (10). He also stressed the regressive element i n falling-
in-love, particularly i n women. Balint (1947) reiterated the earlier views
that a true human love relation requires, i n addition to genital satisfaction,
a "something more" which includes idealization, tenderness, and a special
form of identification (11). He went on to make the interesting suggestion
that this requirement depends upon the fact that man ". . . remains an
embryo in his anatomical structure, i n his emotional behavior towards his
elders and betters—and i n his love-life." He mentioned Keith's view that
structurally man is a fetalized primate with full genital function. He points
out that whereas animals separate off completely from their parents and
respect only strength and power, man is expected to love and respect his
parents forever.
Balint sees genital love "as an artefact of civilization, like art or religion."
Because man must live i n social groups he must acquire internal resistances
against sexual pleasure, thereby causing passions to develop i n order that
he should be able to break down these resistances at odd moments. These
passions are largely infantile i n origin. Because of the demand for perpetual
regard and gratitude we are forced ". . . to regress to or even never to egress
from, the archaic infantile form of tender love."

SOCIOLOGY
The incidence of romantic love varies widely from one culture to an-
other. Recently Bettelheim has described a physical and emotional dis-
tance that exists between kibbutz-born adolescents and adults, even when
they love each other (12). They appear hesitant to touch or be touched.
Among possible reasons he mentions a sort of incest taboo between group
members who have always lived as brothers and sisters. He also quotes a
psychoanalyst who has written of these people as follows: "They are afraid
to love, are afraid to give of themselves. And part of the reason is that
their mothers are terribly afraid of being Jewish mamas. I am still not
sure whether it's a deficiency i n emotions, or a being afraid of feeling. One
gets the impression that even the small child, the infant, has to defend him-
self against his own feelings."
Romantic love is also transient or absent in certain South Sea Island
cultures, for instance, in Samoa and Palua, where there is a free genitality
(13). Perhaps the prominence of romantic love i n Western cultures is due
T H E O R I G I N S O F F A L L I N G - I N - L O V E A N D I N F A T U A T I O N 251
to th& combination of a more or less tender nursing of infants with the later
teaching of internal controls of genital sexuality.
Tfie incidence of romantic love also appears to vary from one historical
period to another i n any one culture. One gains the impression i n our
Western culture that passionate love, idealization, courting, and the pro-
duction of love songs and love poetry were more evident i n the nineteenth
century and earlier part of this century than they are today. Comparison
of popular music today with that of earlier decades gives at least a super-
ficial impression that the current lyrics are less romantic, referring more to
transient sexual liaisons. This change may be occurring in parallel with the
development of a more permissive morality.

ETHOLOGY
According to Konrad Lorenz the power of human romantic love is "an
age-old instinctive force" arising from our residual animal inheritance ( 1 ) .
Lorenz has given us delightful accounts of the "love at first sight" behavior
of young jackdaws and graylag geese. He describes, for example, how the
mutual acknowledgment of the jackdaw courting is communicated by the
"language of the eyes" and goes on to write of the touching "affectionate"
behavior of the two wild creatures—Every delicacy that the male finds is
given to his bride and she accepts it with the plaintive begging gestures and
sounds otherwise typical of baby birds. I n fact the love whispers of the
couple consist chiefly of infantile sounds, reserved by adult jackdaws for
these occasions.
Again, how strangely human! With us, too, all forms of demonstrative
affection have an undeniable childlike tendency—all the nicknames we i n -
vent, as terms of endearment for the other, are nearly always diminutives!
Lorenz has also given us a fascinating account of the phylogenetic de-
velopment of this mutual attachment-tie between prospective mates, called
by him "the bond" (14). According to Lorenz the bond develops only in
animals with strong intraspecific aggressive drives. The more aggressive the
animal, the firmer the bond. A n ingenious transformation occurs in which
the aggressive behavior pattern becomes changed, by redirection of aggres-
sion and ritualization, first into a means of appeasement and eventually into
a love ceremony which creates a very strong tie between the participants.
I n the graylag goose as with other animals this "tender" tie and the copula-
tory drives remain relatively independent of each other.
Under certain circumstances an established bond can disrupt, with re-
emergence of intense aggressiveness, now person-directed (hate). Lorenz is
led to conclusions which are of great interest to the psychoanalyst. "Intra-
specific aggression is millions of years older than personal friendship and
love . . . intra-specific aggression can certainly exist without its counterpart
love, but conversely there is no love without aggression." Of hate Lorenz
252 AMERICAN J O U R N A L OF P S Y C H O T H E R A P Y

writes . . one can really hate only where one has loved and, even i f one
denies i t , still does."
Consideration of these expanding areas of psychoanalytic, sociologic,
and ethologic knowledge leaves one with an incomplete picture of romantic
love. However, I do think that certain conclusions are warranted:
1. Romantic love has an origin relatively independent of genital sexual
drive, but a barrier to genitality intensifies i t .
2. A mutual regression to a mother-infant type of tenderness is an essen-
tial factor i n romantic love.
3. This regressed (or nonegressed) infantile quality of our passionate
loving probably arises from a combination of causal factors, namely (a)
our animal inheritance (remember the jackdaws); (b) our essential anatomic
and psychologic immaturity (Balint); (c) our patterns of child-rearing. I
have found no literature applicable to the state of infatuation as defined
earlier.
I have selected three case histories from my practice and present them
now i n summarized form to illustrate some points already made and to
raise some new ones for discussion.

CASE 1
Some years ago I began to treat a depressed young woman with gastric symp-
toms. During the first year of treatment, and just before I went on holiday, she
began to experience intense love feelings for me, associated with considerable sepa-
ration anxiety and abdominal pains. She was unable to keep away from my con-
sulting room and was utterly miserable. Soon after my return, she began to emerge
from this state and thereafter she has never been able to revive the feelings in mem-
ory, although she can recall the episode itself. I see this as an infatuation-type
regressive episode with a particularly prominent infant-mother needfulness.
A year or so later she fell in love with a married man and had an affair with
him. She became much more alive in appearance, was able to tell me about her
feelings with some distance and humor, and survived an unhappy ending without
decompensation. She retains feelings for this man and has a wistful recall of their
time together. I saw this second relationship as a more normal falling-in-love ex-
perience and an indication of her movement toward adulthood.

CASE 2
A business executive in his early forties consulted me about his depressive symp-
toms. He had always been a basically shy individual with difficulties in relating to
people, particularly women. He had been depressed to a variable degree for as
long as he could remember and had always felt "only half alive." He was married,
had two children, and the marriage was characterized by tension and lack of shar-
ing. There was little humor in the home, and a lack of color in his life generally.
He had gradually advanced in his work field as a consequence of natural aptitude
and effortful application, but he was often troubled by anxiety in this area.
Over a period of a year or so this man had been developing a depressive de-
T H E ORIGINS OF F A L L I N G - I N - L O V E AND INFATUATION 253
compensation with increasing feelings of fear and exhaustion, a continual sense of
i l l - h e a l t h and a preoccupation with the thought of growing old. One day during
this period he found himself sensitively aware of the personal attractiveness and
quie^ helpfulness of his nineteen-year-old secretary. He became preoccupied with
romaritic feelings for this girl and began to find excuses for seeking more of her
company. His depressive symptoms quickly dispersed as the romantic feelings
intensified, but he found great difficulty in concentrating upon his work tasks.. He
asked the girl to work late with him one day and persuaded her to join him later
for dinner at a restaurant. She appeared disconcerted by this sudden increase i n
their intimacy, and a rather poignant situation developed where she was able t o
dissuade him gently from continuing his advances and he was able eventually t o
accept the situation without rancor or too much loss of face. She moved to an-
other job.
The failure of this romance led to a return of the man's depressive symptoms.
However, he could see in retrospect that if the girl had responded differently h i s
involvement could have snowballed into a pathologic infatuation with many unhappy
consequences.

CASE 3
An attractive and competent secretary in her middle twenties also consulted me
because of depressive symptoms. She was married but childless, and lived alone,
for her husband lay in the hospital slowly dying from multiple sclerosis.
This woman told me how she had been "lonely, depressed and sad" until she
met a charming and rather irresponsible young man. She had immediately fallen
"madly in love" with this man who appeared to be "fantastically intelligent." Sud-
denly she was alive and enthusiastic again. "Life was brilliant—everything was
pink." Subsequently she discovered her young lover to be a Don Juan, and she
became jealous and extremely anxious. She was still fascinated by him but their
quarrels and reconciliations led to such alarming downs and ups in her mood that
she forced herself to break off the relationship.
Later she became involved with a quiet, devoted man who looks after her well
but often bores her. She still pines for the Don Juan at times and says that their
relationship would have been quite different had he been able to provide "a deep
tenderness."

DISCUSSION
I n the earlier part of this paper I have combined my own observations
of the phenomenology of falling-in-love with information from various other
sources i n order to emphasize (1) the regressive nature of falling-in-love,
and (2) the role of a revived capacity for infant-mother mutuality and
tenderness i n determining some of its manifestations.
On the basis of further observations with cases such as those just de-
scribed, I would like to offer three additional suggestions about the nature
of the falling-in-love process and present an hypothesis as to the origin of
the pathologic state of infatuation.
1. Clinical experience and self-observation suggest to me that there is
254 AMERICAN J O U R N A L OF PSYCHOTHERAPY

a connection between depression and falling-in-love (see Cases 2 and 3

above). Such a connection, of course, has always been known to the poet.
I achieved a personal insight into this area when I gradually learned
that a tendency on my part to fantasies of romance on Friday nights and
Saturday was a defense against an underlying depressive response to the
week-end separation from my analyst.
Real or fantasied loss of love leads to depression (grief reaction). A sub-
sequent increased susceptibility to falling-in-love can readily be understood
i n terms of a readiness or wish to restore the state of being loved and valued,
that is, to restore the love object. Such a sequence seems more likely to
result i n any culture where internal barriers to free genitality lead, in
freudian terms, to a damming up of libido and an accentuation of "orality."
Perhaps the tendency of our adolescents to develop intense crushes may stem
at least i n part from depression associated with separation from parental
love objects i n such a culture.
Recognition of a connection between depression and romantic love seems
to make the next point more understandable.
2. The state of being-in-love has some features reminiscent of mania or
hypomania—the euphoria, the greatly increased confidence and spontaneity,
the heightened sensitivity of the senses, and perhaps decrease in superego
inhibition. Case 3 above illustrates this: "Life was brilliant—everything was
pink." These manic-like features surely result from the awareness of being
loved.
Winnicott has suggested that much of our everyday activity i n the West-
ern world can be looked upon as a manic (in the psychoanalytic sense) way
of coping with a latent depressive (or paranoid) anxiety which is pretty
generalized among individuals i n our culture. Falling-in-love can similarly
be regarded as an important interruption of such a depressive or paranoid
position, a rejuvenating (and slightly manic) experience that involves a
joyous revival of infant-mother mutuality and primary loving. The ex-
perience can bind two people together long enough to lay a foundation for
a more lasting relationship.
Such observations about the affective aspects of the love state support
the idea of a strong association between infantile needs (orality) and ro-
mantic love.
3. A rereading of my phenomenological description of falling-in-love
shows me that I have written of the emergence of such qualities as mutuality,
hope, and initiative without recognizing their significance in terms of
Erikson's psychosocial stages (16). I wonder, then, whether each individual
carries within him throughout life a potential for repeated unfoldings of the
epigenetic psychosocial stages, a potential which may be realized i n events
set i n motion by the falling-in-love process. One is reminded of Barbra
Streisand's song "Love is Like a New-Born Child."
T H E ORIGINS OF F A L L I N G - I N - L O V E AND I N F A T U A T I O N 255

There may be a parallel here with the psychoanalytic process. Freud de-
scribed the necessary transference development i n psychoanalysis as a sort
of falling-in-love, and Balint has given us a concept of "the new beginning"
as an essential i n a successful analysis (11).
The following is an hypothesis regarding pathologic falling-in-love. For
many individuals romantic love is hazardous. The regression "loosens the
texture of individuality" (11) and, like alcohol, i t can pose problems for a
weak or faulty ego. I n such circumstances very disturbed behavior can
emerge and its destructive potential has been described earlier. One is re-
minded of what happens when "the bond" of Lorenz is disrupted i n the
animal world (14).
M y suggestion is that an infatuation will develop wherever the falling-in-
love regression leads to the release of strong infantile instinctual drives which
the ego just cannot manage. Ego functioning will deteriorate and the i n -
dividual will proceed to act out the drives, meanwhile experiencing all the
urgency, intense longing and ambivalence associated with them. These
drives are more easily aroused i n some people than others, namely, those
so-called orally fixated persons whose lives become a succession of infatua-
tion experiences. Infatuation will be more likely to develop also i n indi-
viduals already seriously regressed, decompensating in a depressive direction.
Neurotic and borderline individuals have strong infantile instinctual
drives which are repressed and held i n repression by neurotic or psychotic
defensive character traits (rather than being spread and dispersed through
the various sublimatory activities of the better adjusted person). Falling-in-
love can undo the repression in such people and their subsequent regressed
behavior can appear quite uncharacteristic to their relatives and friends. A t
some later stage the infatuation fades, repression returns, the ego defenses
take over again and there is an amnesia for the affect previously experienced.
The development of an infatuation is thus determined by a person's po-
tentiality for neurotic or even psychotic acting out behavior. Falling-in-love
can therefore be looked upon as a test of ego strength and ego integration,
to be compared with similar tests provided by such influences as alcohol,
toxemia, exhaustion, sensory deprivation, and the hallucinogenic drugs.

S U M M A R Y

1. Falling-in-love experiences can be separated out into two main types:

(a) a tender, romantic love form with enhancement of ego functioning; and
(b) a pathologic form (infatuation) with destructive acting out.
2. Romantic love has an origin relatively independent of adult sexual
drive but a barrier to genital satisfaction appears to intensify i t .
3. A mutual regression to a mother-infant mode of tenderness is an
essential factor in the relatedness in romantic loving.
256 AMERICAN J O U R N A L OF PSYCHOTHERAPY

4. Our animal inheritance may contribute to our capacity for romantic

love, but family and sociocultural factors modify its development. Our
Western child-rearing pattern of more or less satisfying the infant's needs
and then teaching control of genital sexuality may heighten our romantic
love potential.
5. Depression may increase a persons susceptibility to falling-in-love and
the state of being i n love can include hypomanic features.
6. Falling-in-love can represent "a new beginning."
7. Falling-in-love can be looked upon as a test of ego strength. Infatua-
tion will develop when the regression releases infantile ambivalent drives
that the ego cannot manage, but the emergence of creativity may stem this
pathologic development.

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