MFL 2018 Week 10

WEEK 10: FINDING THE RAW SPOTS
VIDEO NOTES
Copyright 2018 by Affair Recovery, LLC. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted
in any form without the express written permission of Affair Recovery, LLC. Based in Austin, TX and with a global reach,
AffairRecovery.com specializes in helping people heal after infidelity. To learn more about weekend retreats or online courses,
visit www.AffairRecovery.com.
Page 34 of 142
• What’s a “Raw Spot?”
o A hypersensitivity created by moments in a person’s past when an
attachment need is neglected, ignored or dismissed
• Triggers for Raw Spots Are The Two D’s
1. Emotionally Deprived
2. Emotionally Deserted
• Sources of Raw Spots
o Stem from wounds in past relationships
o Can also stem from current relationships
• Reactions to Raw Spots
o Often blind to their existence
o Secondary reactions
 Withdrawal and Rage
 Emotionally numb out
 Strike out in anger
 Underlying Central emotions
 Sadness, Shame and Fear
• Stuck in Demon Dialogues?
o Caused by attempts to deal with Raw Spot
o If I hit your wound…
 Response will generally hit mine.
o Demon Dialogue is the result
• Solutions
o Curb demon dialogues
o Finding and soothing the raw spots
 If healthy family, then Raw Spots not as problematic
 If unloving or unstable family, then goes much deeper and more
difficult to change
• Signs a Raw Spot is Hit
o Shift in emotional tone of a conversation
o Response to offence seems out of proportion
o Experience primal attachment needs and fears
o Emotions take over
• Raw Spot Progression
o Attachment cue captures our attention
o Our body responds
o Our intellect is a little slow
o We are programmed to move in a particular way
o Toward, Away from or Against our partner
• Emotional Reactions
o Anger - approach and fight
o Shame - withdraw and hide
o Fear - Freeze and flee
o Sadness - primes us to grieves and let go
Page 35 of 142
QUESTIONS FOR “FINDING THE RAW SPOTS”
1. Attachment Cue
a. Identify a time when you suddenly felt disconnected from your mate
b. What emotion did you feel?
2. How Does Your Body Respond?

a. What do you experience in your body?
b. Can a body experience help you give that reaction a name?
Page 36 of 142
3. How does your brain respond:
a. How does your brain interrupt the meaning of those emotions?
b. What do you say to yourself when this happens?
4. What do you do then?
a. How do you move into action?

 Yell?
 Withdraw?
 Criticize?
Page 37 of 142
Page 38 of 142
Complete or respond to the following sentences about a recent incident:
1) Questions for you about you:
1. In this incident the trigger for my raw spot was ______________________
2. On the surface I showed _______________________________________
3. Deep down I felt ______________________________________________
4. What I longed for was _________________________________________
5. The main message I got about me or our bond was __________________
6. Is the raw spot just for mate or for others?__________________________
7. What’s the origin? Did it arise from (mark all that apply):?
 ___ Parents
 ___ Siblings
 ___ Another romantic relationship
 ___ Peers
 ___ From your current relationship?
8. When I feel the pain are there ghosts?
2) Questions for you about your mate:

1. Does your mate get it?
Page 39 of 142
Page 40 of 142
2. Do they see your wound?
3. Do they just see your reactive surface emotions?
4. Can you guess one of your partner’s raw spots?
3) Share with Your Partner

1. If possible, share your answers with your partner
2. If you don’t feel safe can you at least share the worst thing that could
happen if you were to share with them?
Page 41 of 142
4) Couple’s Practice - share a time when …
1. Your mate responded in a way that helped you feel close. What did your
mate do?
2. You both felt disconnected

a. Who turned up the emotional heat?
b. Who tried to turn it down and avoid strong emotions?
c. Come up with a phrase that describes how you deal with those
emotions
1. I turn to stone
2. I go into battle mode
3. I go icy
Page 42 of 142
USE THESE TEMPLATES TO TALK ABOUT WHAT IS GOING ON.
When I think of sharing my softest feelings with you here, it is hard to do. My worst
fantasy is that what will happen is __________________________________________.
I moved in the dance by (shutting down etc.) _________________________________
and I felt
_______________________________________________________________.
When I heard/saw (attachment cue)
_________________________________________, I just felt
_______________________________________________________________.
When we get stuck in our cycle and I _______________________________________
(use an action word, e.g., push), I feel ____________________________________
(surface emotion). The emotional trigger for my sense of disconnection is when I
see/sense/hear ________________________________________________________
(the attachment cue). On a deeper level, I am feeling
____________________________.
Page 43 of 142
Page 44 of 142

MFL 2018 Week 10

Uploaded by

Document Information

Original Title

Copyright

Available Formats

Share this document

Share or Embed Document

Sharing Options

Did you find this document useful?

Is this content inappropriate?

Copyright:

Available Formats

MFL 2018 Week 10

Uploaded by

Copyright:

Available Formats

WEEK 10: FINDING THE RAW SPOTS

b. What emotion did you feel?

2. How Does Your Body Respond?

b. Can a body experience help you give that reaction a name?

b. What do you say to yourself when this happens?

4. What do you do then?

a. How do you move into action?

2. On the surface I showed _______________________________________

3. Deep down I felt ______________________________________________

4. What I longed for was _________________________________________

5. The main message I got about me or our bond was __________________

6. Is the raw spot just for mate or for others?__________________________

2) Questions for you about your mate:

3. Do they just see your reactive surface emotions?

4. Can you guess one of your partner’s raw spots?

3) Share with Your Partner

2. You both felt disconnected

b. Who tried to turn it down and avoid strong emotions?

fantasy is that what will happen is __________________________________________.

I moved in the dance by (shutting down etc.) _________________________________

When I heard/saw (attachment cue)

_________________________________________, I just felt

When we get stuck in our cycle and I _______________________________________

(use an action word, e.g., push), I feel ____________________________________

(surface emotion). The emotional trigger for my sense of disconnection is when I

(the attachment cue). On a deeper level, I am feeling

You might also like