UNTITLED MOVIE

by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2019
Untitled Movie Script

Comedy - PG-13 - 90 Minutes - Any budget

"A man's anger issues and his ex-wife interfere with his half-
hearted attempt to settle down with his fiance."

INT. HOME - DAY

LOUIS (40 but looks younger, weird personality) is sitting on

a sofa and Windexing a table.

The doorbell rings. Louis walks over to the door while still
holding the Windex bottle and sponge.

He opens the door to reveal a DELIVERY MAN (30) holding a

box.

DELIVERY MAN
Hi. Delivery for Collin Manning.

LOUIS
Wow. That box looks dirty.

Louis Windexes and scrubs the box while the Delivery Man
continues to hold it.

DELIVERY MAN
Can you just take the package?

LOUIS
Well. I mean. I'm not Collin Manning.
I'm his roommate.

DELIVERY MAN
Whatever. Just take the package.

The Delivery Man hands Louis the package.

LOUIS
Thanks, bro.

DELIVERY MAN
No problem.

LOUIS
Peace out.

Louis closes the door, put the package down, sits down, and

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continues Windexing the table. The doorbell rings again, and

Louis opens the door to once again reveal the Delivery Man
holding another package.

DELIVERY MAN
Hey. Sorry. I got one more package for
this address.
(looks at a package that's
addressed to "Louis
MacCnusachainn")
Louis, Macnu, uh, something.

LOUIS
It's pronounced just like it's
spelled. M-A-C-C-N-U-S-A-C-H-A-I-N-N.
What does that spell?

DELIVERY MAN
Uh. MacSaccharin?

LOUIS
MacCnusachainn. It's Irish. Or
Scottish. I don't remember which one.
It's the one where people wear kilts
and they drink whiskey. Let me ask my
mom.
(dials a number)
(into phone)
Mom. What are we? ... You know--like,
are we Irish? ... Oh. Okay. Bye.
(puts away the phone)
She said we're Gaelic.

DELIVERY MAN
That's great. Take the package.

Louis grabs the package.

LOUIS
Peace out.

Louis closes he door, and take the package over to the sofa.
he sits down and open the package. It contains four bottle of
Windex. He uses one to continue Windexing the table.

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

COLLIN (38) and SCARLETT (30) are seated at a table. Scarlett

is taking a selfie.

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COLLIN
Scarlett. Can you ease up on the whole
selfies thing?

SCARLETT
What's wrong with taking selfies?

COLLIN
You're in your thirties. Thirty-
something women shouldn't take so many
selfies.

SCARLETT
Selfies are for people of all ages.

COLLIN
Mature people don't selfie themselves
that often. Look at me. I take one
selfie a month.

SCARLETT
Oh. Do you think you're more mature
than I am? You're thirty eight, and
you still live like a frat boy.

COLLIN
Says who?

SCARLETT
You leave empty beer cans and Gatorade
bottles everywhere in your apartment.

COLLIN
And then Louis cleans them up. That's
the ecosystem in our apartment.

She takes a picture of her food.

COLLIN
Very nice.

They eat their food for several seconds.

SCARLETT
When are we gonna talk about the
wedding?

COLLIN
What wedding?

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SCARLETT
Our wedding.

COLLIN
Oh. Right. Yeah. You know. Just, let's
not rush things. We'll talk about it
when the time is right.

SCARLETT
When is the time gonna be right?

COLLIN
Honey. I love you. Okay? I mean, when
I'm at work, I can hardly work,
because I'm so in love with you, and
I'm always thinking about you, and I'm
not thinking about my boss, who's a
piece of garbage, and I want to kick
his ass.

SCARLETT
Um. What exactly is the message of
that speech of yours?

COLLIN
The message is that my boss is a
moron, and you're my dream woman, and
I love you.

SCARLETT
... Have you ever heard the expression
"talk is cheap?"

COLLIN
I __
do love you. It's not just talk.

SCARLETT
I know. But I'm just saying. When
couples love each other and get
engaged, they set a wedding date.

COLLIN
Which we'll do. Later. Now eat your
food before it gets cold.

SCARLETT
This is salmon salad.

INT. CIARA'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT

VANESSA (35) and CIARA (35) are eating ice cream out of the

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same container and watching TV.

VANESSA
I love this show so much.

CIARA
I love it more.

VANESSA
Isn't it interesting how we constantly
binge watch TV shows together?

CIARA
What's interesting about it?

VANESSA
I mean, shouldn't we, like, get lives?

CIARA
Uh. I'm pretty sure you have a life.
As in, you're rich, and you're
engaged. As for me, this is my primary
activity. Binge eating ice cream and
binge watching TV with you.

VANESSA
You have a life outside of that. I
mean, you have job. I don't.

CIARA
Well whoop-di-do for my twenty dollar
an hour job. You know--you rich people
are all like.

VANESSA
Stop calling me rich, Ciara.

CIARA
Fine. You're not rich. You're just
very upper middle class. You're so
upper, that you used your middle class
money to buy a two point four million
dollar home.

VANESSA
How do you know the exact number?

CIARA
I Googled it.

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VANESSA
Great. Is there any more personal
information about me that you want to
Google? How about my dress size?

CIARA
Six.

VANESSA
You Googled that?

CIARA
No. I looked in your closet.

VANESSA
That's okay. I looked in your closet,
too. Bra size thirty four C.

CIARA
That was one year and fifteen pounds
ago. I'm a D now. That's how us poor
folk increase our bust size. Instead
of getting breast implants, we eat
foods containing cookie dough.

She eats more ice cream.

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Collin and Scarlett are done with their meal.

COLLIN
We're never coming to this damn place
again. They put so much salt in my
pasta, I can't even feel my tongue
right now. And now this idiot waiter
is taking half an hour just to bring
our check.

SCARLETT
That woman is looking at you.

COLLIN
Who?

SCARLETT
(points her head and eyes)
Her.

Collin sees a WOMAN (35) seated at a table with a MAN.

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COLLIN
I don't think she's looking at me.

SCARLETT
Collin. She keeps on glancing at you.

COLLIN
Maybe she's glancing at something
else.

SCARLETT
... Do you know her?

COLLIN
No, I don't know her.

SCARLETT
... If you know her, just tell me.
it's no big deal.

COLLIN
I don't know her. She probably wasn't
even looking at me.

SCARLETT
So you don't know her.

She takes a picture of him while he responds.

COLLIN
No.
(referring to the picture)
What the hell are you doing?

SCARLETT
(she examines the photo on her
phone)
Collin. We've been dating for over two
years. I'm at a point now where I can
read you like a book. The facial
expression in this photo contains
multiple signs of deception.

COLLIN
Listen, Colombo. All suspects are
innocent until proven guilty in a
court of law.
(imitates an old time gangster)
You got nothing on me, copper. Y'see?
M'yeah.

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SCARLETT
That woman knows you.

COLLIN
Fine. You cracked the case, honey.
Yes. She knows me.

SCARLETT
How does she know you?

COLLIN
Listen. I'm trying to have a nice
romantic dinner with you, my fiance,
the woman I love. Okay?

SCARLETT
The thing is, you lied to me about not
knowing her.

COLLIN
Little white like. That woman is just
some ex-coworker of mine. I hardly
know her.

SCARLETT
You hardly know her?

She snaps a photo of him as he says:

COLLIN
Right.

SCARLETT
(examines the photo)
... Multiple signs of deception.

COLLIN
Damn it! How do you read me so well?

SCARLETT
How do you know that woman?

COLLIN
I went out on one date with her a long
time ago. That's true. Listen.
(holds her hands)
I love you. I'm all about you. So when
you bring up some other woman, I don't
even want to talk about that woman.
All I care about right now is having a
romantic, intimate evening with my

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dream woman. I love you, Scarlett.

SCARLETT
I love you, too.

They kiss.

SCARLETT
That was very romantic.

COLLIN
Damn right. So. I guess tonight, we're
gonna get busy and knock some serious
boots tonight. Your place or mine?

SCARLETT
Well. Miranda's sister is staying at
my place.

COLLIN
Alright. __
My place it is.

SCARLETT
I don't feel comfortable at your
place, with Louis there. You know?
Like, maybe it's time for you to,
just, live alone. Just, you know. Tell
Louis to go find another place to
live.

COLLIN
Uh. I live in ___
his apartment.

SCARLETT
Yeah. So move out and get your own
apartment.

COLLIN
I can't move out. We're talking about
Louis. He's my soul mate.

SCARLETT
I'm your soul mate.
___

COLLIN
Yeah. I have two soul mates. By the
way, my soul mate Louis--his apartment
has twenty three years worth of
accumulated rent control.

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SCARLETT
And Louis has twenty three accumulated
mental illnesses. He's crazy.

COLLIN
He's delightfully eccentric.

SCARLETT
... by the way-how does he have twenty
three years of rent control? How old
is he?

COLLIN
He's, like, forty. And he started
living on his own when he was sixteen.

SCARLETT
Well. He still acts like he's eleven.
I don't get how he's ever managed to
live on his own.

COLLIN
The thing about Louis is, he has a
certain wisdom. He's, um, wise. In a
certain sense.

INT. COLLIN AND LOUIS'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT

Louis is wearing Speedos. The song "Amadeus" or "Egyptian

Lover" is playing on his phone, and he's singing along and
dancing. His blinds/curtains are open.

EXT. COLLIN AND LOUIS'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

A MAN and WOMAN (55) are walking outside on the sidewalk.

They look inside the window and observes Louis dancing and
singing. Louis eventually notices them, and smiles and waves.

WOMAN
(to Man)
Do you know that guy?

MAN
Hell no. I think he's crazy. I'm just
gonna wave back, and then we'll walk
away, and hopefully he won't come out
here and try to eat our kidneys.

The Man waves back. The Man and Woman walk away.

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INT. COLLIN AND LOUIS'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT

Louis resumes dancing. Ten seconds later, the doorbell rings.

Louis opens the door to reveal a ED the pizza deliver guy

(25).

ED
Hey Louis.

LOUIS
Hey Ed.

ED
(hands him the pizza)
Here's your pie.

LOUIS
Let me give you a coupon.
(drops the pizza box, and begins
searching through his Speedos)
Hm. I thought I had it in my pocket.

ED
Um. You're wearing Speedos.

LOUIS
(looks down)
Oh. Yeah. Right. Um. My pockets are,
uh, somewhere else.

ED
It's all good. I got some coupons in
my car. I'll just apply one of them to
your order. Your total is eleven
fifty.

LOUIS
Wow. You're a great pizza delivery
guy. I'm gonna mention you in my Yelp
review.

ED
You already did.

LOUIS
Oh. Right. Yeah. That's actually the
Yelp review my lawyer presented in
court.

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ED
Why? Were you pleading insanity?

LOUIS
Most likely. Let me go get the money I
owe you. It's in my pocket.

Louis starts searches through his Speedos.

ED
Uh. You're still wearing Speedos.

INT. COLLIN AND LOUIS'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

Louis is eating cereal and watching football.

Collin enters from his bedroom. He walks to the kitchenette

and does something off screen. He walks back to the living
room.

COLLIN
Um. We're out of cereal. And the box
was full yesterday.

LOUIS
Hm. Interesting.

COLLIN
Are you saying you ate a box of cereal
for dinner last night?

LOUIS
Uh. No. I ate pizza. Oh. You know
what? I had a woman over here last
night.

COLLIN
And she ate all of our cereal?

LOUIS
You know how women are.

COLLIN
Women generally don't eat an entire
box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch in one
evening.

LOUIS
Some of them do. Like the one I have
over here a lot.

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COLLIN
Who?

LOUIS
The skinny blonde girl. The one who
comes over here, like, twice a month.

Collin sits down.

COLLIN
I'm gonna ask you one more question.
And I hope this doesn't offend you. Is
she a call girl who gets paid in
cereal?

LOUIS
No. She's, um... I don't know. I'm not
a hundred percent sure who she is.

COLLIN
Maybe she's your girlfriend.

LOUIS
No. Bro, You know my girlfriend.
Clarice. You've met her.

COLLIN
Bro. Clarice is your cousin.
______

LOUIS
Bro. I have a ______
cousin Clarice, and I
also have a __________
girlfriend Clarice.

COLLIN
Maybe they're the same person.

LOUIS
Hm. That's an interesting hypothesis.
I'm gonna use the scientific method to
test your hypothesis.
(on phone)
Hi, honey. Quick question. Are you my
cousin? ... Great. Okay. Bye.
(hangs up)
That was my girlfriend Clarice. She's
not my cousin.

COLLIN
Great. Mazel tov. Anyways, I'm gonna
go work out, and then maybe buy some
cereal.

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LOUIS
Let me ask you something, bro. Like,
you know how you're engaged to
Scarlett?

COLLIN
Yeah.

LOUIS
Well. Let's say you marry her.

COLLIN
I am
__ gonna marry her.

LOUIS
Well. You say potato, I say Puh-TOH-
toe.

COLLIN
I don't know what that means.

LOUIS
As in, the chance of precipitation
isn't a hundred percent. But, yeah.
Let's say you marry Scarlett. Does
that mean the three of us are gonna
live together?

COLLIN
Yes. Except it'll just be the ___
two of
us.

LOUIS
Me and you?

COLLIN
Me and her.
___

LOUIS
Right. Okay. That actually makes more
sense.

Louis starts Windexing the glass table in front of him.

LOUIS
So, when's the wedding?

COLLIN
We haven't set a date yet.

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LOUIS
... It sounds like she's trying to set
a date, and you're not.

COLLIN
Hm. That's an interesting hypothesis.
Now how about you mind your damn
business, Louis.

LOUIS
Calm down, Collin. Don't forget what
you learned at anger management.

COLLIN
I didn't learn ________
anything at anger
management. Just like you didn't learn
anything from your court-appointed
psychologist.

LOUIS
I don't believe in psychology. It's an
Illuminati scam.

He starts dusting the place.

INT. CAR - DAY

Collin is diving. Scarlett is on speakerphone.

SCARLETT
...Yeah. It's gonna be tomorrow night
at eight.

COLLIN
Well whoop-di-do.

SCARLETT
Are you saying you don't want to go to
my friend's birthday?

COLLIN
I don't hang out with cokeheads,
honey.

SCARLETT
She's not a cokehead. She used cocaine
that one time. And that other time.

COLLIN
Fine. Whatever. We'll go to her
birthday party.

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SCARLETT
Great. By the way--the other day, me
and my sister looked at some wedding
dresses.

COLLIN
Oh. Okay.

SCARLETT
I saw one--it was perfect. It made me
feel like a summer bride. What do you
think about summer?

COLLIN
It's hot.

SCARLETT
What do you think about a summer
wedding?

COLLIN
Which summer are you talking about?

SCARLETT
This one.

COLLIN
That's only a few months away.

SCARLETT
It's five months away. Next summer is
seventeen months away. Are you saying
you don't want to get married any time
in the next year and a half?

COLLIN
I'm saying I don't want to set a
wedding date over the phone.

SCARLETT
Well come over, and we'll talk about
it in person.

COLLIN
Honey. I'm going to the gym right now.
And then I gotta go buy some cereal.

SCARLETT
I'll go to the gym and we'll talk
there.

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COLLIN
I'm not gonna discuss our wedding date
in front of a bunch of sweaty
strangers.

SCARLETT
I just want us to make some sort of
progress on this whole wedding thing.

COLLIN
Scarlett. You know how much I love
you.

SCARLETT
Don't give me that "I love you" stuff
again!

COLLIN
Scarlett. I just want to let the
wedding date happen naturally. Don't
force it. You know what? Next weekend,
let's go to Santa Barbara. To that
place we went to last year. Okay? How
does that sound?

SCARLETT
Well. I guess that'll be fun.

COLLIN
Absolutely. I'm at the gym now. I
gotta go. I love you, baby.

SCARLETT
I love you, too.

INT. GYM - DAY

Collin is exercising on stair machine. Ciara gets on the

machine next to his.

CIARA
Hi, Collin.

COLLIN
Hi, Ciara.

CIARA
You know, I hardly ever see you at
this gym.

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COLLIN
I come here all the time.

CIARA
So do I. I've gained fifteen pounds
over the last year. You know how it
is. You burn three hundred calories at
the gym, and then you eat a pint of
Ben & Jerry's.

COLLIN
That's a fantastic regimen. Now if
you'll excuse me, I have some working
out to do.

CIARA
Why are you always so avoidant with
me?

COLLIN
Oh. I don't know. Back in high school,
I heard that you stalked Joey
Albertson.

CIARA
Well. News flash, Collin. All men and
women do their fair share of stalking.
And by the way--I haven't stalked
anyone since high school. Except for
that one guy in college.

COLLIN
That's great.

CIARA
Bu the way--I heard you're engaged.

COLLIN
Yeah.

CIARA
Congratulations. When's the wedding?

COLLIN
Why are women so obsessed with wedding
dates? Is that all you ever talk
about?

JAKE (35) walks up to Collin.

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JAKE
Collin. What's going on?

COLLIN
Hey, Jake.

JAKE
I haven't seen you here in a while.

CIARA
He comes here all the time.

JAKE
Is that right?

CIARA
That's what he tells me. Collin. Are
you gonna introduce me?

COLLIN
Of course. Jake. This is my sister's
friend, Ciara.

CIARA
Colin. Why don't you just introduce me
as ____
your friend?

COLLIN
Because we're not friends.

CIARA
Well. We're _________
something. I've known you
for a long time. Don't introduce me as
your sister's friend.

COLLIN
Fine. Jake--this is my whatever,
Ciara.

CIARA
Don't call me your whatever. Just
introduce me as Ciara, you asshole.

COLLIN
Fine. Jake--this is Ciara, you
asshole.

INT. SUPERMARKET - DAY

Collin is browsing though the dairy aisle. He picks up a

container of yogurt and reads the ingredients. A WOMAN (80)

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is near him.

WOMAN
You know, that used to cost three
twenty nine. Now it's four seventy
nine.

COLLIN
Is that right?

WOMAN
Yes. And not just here. Everywhere you
go. Four dollars and seventy nine
cents. For yogurt.

COLLIN
Well. I guess there's too much
inflation these days.

WOMAN
Exactly. When Obama was in office, we
had inflation up the wazoo.

COLLIN
Well. I guess that's one way of
putting it.

WOMAN
But when Bush was in office, the price
of yogurt always stayed the same.
Because Bush wasn't a socialist,the
way Obama is.

COLLIN
You could be on to something. I mean,
I ate a lot of cheap yogurt when Bush
was President.

WOMAN
You're a smart boy. Are you married? I
have a niece that I think would be
perfect for you.

COLLIN
Well. I'm sure you're niece is a great
girl--but I'm currently engaged.

WOMAN
Oh. Congratulations. When's the
wedding?

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 21.

COLLIN
Well. We haven't set a date yet.

WOMAN
Oh. How long have you been engaged?

COLLIN
Like six months. Maybe a year, or a
year and a half.

WOMAN
Well maybe you should set a wedding
date.

COLLIN
Well. I don't know about that. I mean,
wedding dates are, you know. They're
overrated.

WOMAN
... Are you sure you even ____
want to get
married?

COLLIN
... What's ____
that supposed to mean?

WOMAN
I'm just saying. A year and a half. No
wedding date.

COLLIN
Hey. I love
____ my fiance. You know? I
really do.

WOMAN
I'm sure you do. You seem like a
romantic, passionate young man.

COLLIN
That's exactly what I am. I'm
passionate about my fiance. And I'm
passionate about these yogurt prices.
Four seventy nine. Outrageous!

WOMAN
Indeed. Obama is a socialist!

[Later, in another section]

MARCUS (30, black) is browsing through the juice aisle, as is

Collin.

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MARCUS
You know, that's kind of racist.

COLLIN
Excuse me?

MARCUS
The way you're looking in my basket
and judging me.

COLLIN
What the hell are you talking about?

MARCUS
Come on, bro. You just looked at the
Kool-Aid in my basket, and you
thought, "Oh. Here we go. Another
black man buying Kool-Aid."

COLLIN
What?

MARCUS
What my ass. You were looking at my
Kool-Aid. Plus, I overheard you
earlier when you were with that white
woman, and the two of you were talking
smack about Obama.

COLLIN
___ was talking about Obama. I was
She
talking about yogurt.

MARCUS
Come on, man. You want to judge me and
Obama based on the color of our skin
and the color of our Kool-Aid.

COLLIN
Obama doesn't drink Kool-Aid.

MARCUS
But ___
you think he does.

COLLIN
What are you talking about?

MARCUS
I'm talking about how I work fifty
hours a week for an insurance company.
But you when you see someone like me,

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all you see is a welfare-collecting

Kool-Aid-drinking negro.

COLLIN
Listen, buddy. You got me pegged
wrong. I'm not the kind of guy who
goes around judging negroes.

MARCUS
Who the hell are you calling a negro?!

COLLIN
I was quoting you.

MARCUS
Don't quote me. Quote yourself.

COLLIN
I'll quote whoever I want to quote,
asshole. I'll quote you, and I'll
quote Shakespeare. "To be or not to be--
that is the question."

MARCUS
I'm gonna kick your racist ass--that
is the answer.

COLLIN
Is everyone in this supermarket crazy?

MARCUS
Oh. So now the black man is crazy.

COLLIN
Listen. Here's what you need to do,
crazy man. You need to back away from
me, go to the checkout stand, buy your
groceries, and then go go home, and
drink a nice, tall glass of Kool-Aid.

MARCUS
How dare you say that I drink Kool-
Aid!

COLLIN
You have Kool-Aid in your shopping
basket!

MARCUS
Don't worry about what's in my basket!

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 24.

A SECURITY GUARD (male, 30, white) walks up to them.

SECURITY OFFICER
Excuse me. Is there a problem here?

MARCUS
(to Collin)
Oh. Okay. Now you got your white buddy
here to intervene.

COLLIN
My white buddy?

MARCUS
You're lucky this isn't a supermarket
in the hood. Otherwise, you'd be
racially outnumbered.

COLLIN
As if you spend time in the hood. You
work for an insurance company.

MARCUS
Did you just call me an Uncle Tom?

SECURITY OFFICER
Um. Can you guys, like, you know--stop
talking to each other? Otherwise I
might have to call the cops.

COLLIN
I just came here to buy some cereal.

MARCUS
It sounds like you want to call me the
n-word.

COLLIN
It sounds like I want to kick your
ass, in a completely non-racial way.

SECURITY OFFICER
Guys. I make nine seventy five an
hour. I'm not really looking to deal
with a race war. Okay? Just break it
up.

COLLIN
Gladly. I'm just gonna buy some
groceries and not talk to any more
lunatics in this nuthouse.

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 25.

He walks away.

He goes over to the produce section, and starts putting

oranges in a plastic bag.

Vanessa (37) walks up to him.

VANESSA
Collin.

He turns and sees her.

COLLIN
Vanessa. Uh. Hey.

VANESSA
Hey. Wow. It's so good to see you.

COLLIN
Says who?

VANESSA
Says me.

COLLIN
Hm. I'm a little surprised to hear you
say that.

VANESSA
And why is that?

COLLIN
Because you can't stand me.

VANESSA
Says who?

COLLIN
You've said that, in those exact
terms, in divorce court, and at a few
other places.

VANESSA
Collin. Listen. I think we've reached
a point where we can just see each
other, and you know--act like friends
or something. That's how a lot of exes
are.

COLLIN
Um. Okay. Yeah.

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 26.

VANESSA
By the way. Congratulations on your
engagement.

COLLIN
Uh. Well. Thank you, my friend Vanessa
a.k.a. my ex-wife Vanessa.

VANESSA
I would've called you and told you
that when you got engaged. But, you
know.

COLLIN
We weren't friends back then.

[Later]

VANESSA
...So, yeah. And then this woman just
starts licking her clothes, right in
the middle of our laundry room.

COLLIN
Are you kidding me?

VANESSA
She licked her shorts. And then she
licked my shorts.

COLLIN
You know, this is actually kind of
turning me on. Describe how she licked
them.

VANESSA
Shut up, Collin. Anyways, later, we
found out that she was high on PCP.

COLLIN
How did you find that out?

VANESSA
She told us. I came across her next
the mailboxes.

COLLIN
Was she licking the mailman?

VANESSA
No. She was un-high at the time. Just

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 27.

doing whatever. And she was like, "Oh.

About that other day in the laundry
room. Did I, uh, lick your shorts?"
And I was like, "Yeah." And she said,
"Oh. Um. I might've had too much too
to smoke that day." I was like, "What
did you smoke?" And she said, "PCP. I
smoked too much of it."

COLLIN
And then what did you say?

VANESSA
I was like, "Yeah. It's probably
better to smoke PCP in moderation."

COLLIN
Man. That's awesome. I want to live in
your building.

VANESSA
Well. I actually don't live there
anymore. I moved into a new place.

COLLIN
Where?

VANESSA
A house on Palm Avenue.

COLLIN
That, uh--sounds expensive.

VANESSA
Well. I made an investment a few years
ago, and it's really paid off.
(looks at the cereal on the
shelves)
So. Let me guess what you want.
Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

COLLIN
You remember.

VANESSA
Of course I remember.

She drops the cereal in his basket.

VANESSA
I also remember the way you eat

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 28.

cereal. You know. With two spoons.

COLLIN
Oh. Well, um, I remember the way you
eat toast.

VANESSA
No you don't. Do you?

COLLIN
Well. I mean, maybe not that.

VANESSA
But, you know. Do you think about me?

COLLIN
Yeah. The other day, I saw some guy on
TV playing Monopoly. And I thought
about how much you love Monopoly, and
you always try to get the red
properties.

VANESSA
You thought about that?

COLLIN
Yeah. And also, sometimes I think
about way you'd always move the tip of
your tongue to the side whenever you
squeegeed our windows.

VANESSA
Oh. Was that one of your pet peeves
about me?

COLLIN
No. I actually kind of like that.

VANESSA
You know, when we broke up, I just
figured you found most of the stuff I
did annoying.

COLLIN
Well. I like the way you squeegee.

Marcus is now standing near them.

MARCUS
(to Collin)
Oh. I see how it is. I know your

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 29.

protocol. You insult the black man,

and then you get all flirty with the
white woman.

COLLIN
I'm not flirting! She's my ex-wife.
Now please mind your business and go
sell some insurance!

MARCUS
Racist!

He walks away.

VANESSA
What was that about?

COLLIN
You know. I'm a conflict-oriented kind
of guy.

VANESSA
Yeah. That's one of the things I like
about you. You're passionate.

COLLIN
Uh. ... Well. I guess that's one way
to look at things. ... Um. So.
Anyways. I guess I got all the stuff I
need.

VANESSA
There's something else I want.

COLLIN
Um. Okay.

VANESSA
I'm gonna go pay for my groceries. How
about I, um, text you my new address,
and you be there in half an hour?

COLLIN
Um. Wait. What are we talking about
right now?

VANESSA
Collin. Just be at my house in half
minutes. If you really want to. Do you
want to?

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 30.

INT. VANESSA'S HOME - DAY

The doorbell rings. Vanessa opens the door to reveal Collin.

VANESSA
Hi. Come in.

Collin enters. Vanessa closes the door behind him.

COLLIN
Um. This place is, uh... even more
impressive than what I was expecting.

VANESSA
Have you heard of Pic-Click?

COLLIN
No.

VANESSA
It's an iPhone app. My friend created
it. And, uh, she asked me to invest a
little bit of money in it. Nine months
ago. And then later, some big company
bought the app for seven hundred
million dollars. I got some of that
money. But let's not talk about money.

She kisses him.

COLLIN
Right. Yeah. The hell with money.

VANESSA
You like me. Right, Collin?

COLLIN
Yeah.

VANESSA
Do you think about me? I mean, aside
from the squeegeeing. Do you think
about me?

COLLIN
Yes.

VANESSA
I think about you, too. The other day,
I walked past this guy, and he was
wearing your aftershave. And, just,

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 31.

smelling it again was intense. Just,

it was like I took a whiff of you.
And... I was pretty steamed up, just
thinking of you.

He moves in. They gaze into each others' eyes. He hold her
and kisses her on the lips.

VANESSA
And a couple of days ago, I was
talking about you with Ciara.

COLLIN
Ciara? Since when do you hang out with
Ciara?

VANESSA
We've been friends for a couple of
years now. We were talking about you a
few weeks ago. And it got me turned
on. And Ciara was like, "You still
have a thing for your ex." And she was
right.

They continue kissing.

VANESSA
I want this so badly, Collin.

COLLIN
Me, too.

VANESSA
Follow me.

She leads him down the hall.

COLLIN (O.S.)
How many freaking bedrooms do you
have?

VANESSA (O.S.)
Five. Keep walking.

INT. BEDROOM - DAY

(later)

They're both lying in bed, under the covers, with no clothes

on.

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 32.

VANESSA
Wow. Did you ever think we'd end up
doing that again?

COLLIN
I don't know.

VANESSA
What do you mean you don't know? Do
you ever fantasize about me?

COLLIN
Well. Yeah. But as a fantasy. Plus,
sometimes in those fantasies, we go at
a it a little differently.

VANESSA
Differently how?

COLLIN
Well. I don't know.

VANESSA
Do I squeegee your windows in the
fantasy?

COLLIN
Um. I don't know. Is that a euphemism
for something?

VANESSA
Collin. I really want to know the way
you think about me.

COLLIN
It's a guy's fantasy. You don't want
to know all the details of a man's
fantasy. Believe me.

VANESSA
Okay.

They cuddle.

COLLIN
So. Um. I'm not sure what to do here.
I mean, I've never slept with an ex-
wife before while engaged to another
woman.

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 33.

VANESSA
Well. Let's just play it by ear.

They hear the front door open

COLLIN
Um. Who is that?

VANESSA
Um. Probably my fiance.

COLLIN
You're engaged?!

VANESSA
Yes. But instead of discussing that,
let's just focus on you climbing out
the window.

He starts getting out of the bed and heading towards the

window.

COLLIN
Isn't this kind of a cliche?

VANESSA
It's the perfect cliche for this
situation. Climb out the window.

COLLIN
What about my clothes?

VANESSA
Take them with you.

She gets up and locks the door.

Collin opens the window. She throws Collin's pants and shirt
at him. He catches them.

COLLIN
Why are you cheating on your fiance?

VANESSA
I'll send you a text about it, after
you climb out the window.

COLLIN
Bye.

He climbs out the window.

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 34.

INT. COLLIN AND LOUIS'S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

Louis is drinking beer. There are a few unopened cans of beer

on the table in front of him.

Collin enters, puts his keys and phone on a counter, and sits
down next to Louis.

LOUIS
Hey.

COLLIN
Hey

LOUIS
Where's the cereal?

COLLIN
It's in my car. I'll get it later. I
just, uh--I know we don't talk about
relationship stuff that much. But I
want to run some info by you for a
second.

LOUIS
Let me guess. You set a wedding date.

COLLIN
No. I had a romantic rendezvous with
my ex-wife.

LOUIS
That was gonna be my second guess. So,
you got, like, one of those love
triangle thingies.

COLLIN
Well. Not quite. I mean, it's more
like a quadrilateral. My ex-wife is
also engaged.

LOUIS
So you double cheated.

COLLIN
I didn't know my ex-wife was engaged.

LOUIS
But, like, did you know that ___
you were
engaged?

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 35.

COLLIN
Yes.

LOUIS
So you single cheated.

COLLIN
I don't know. All I know is, Vanessa's
fiance came home, and then I climbed
out of the window.

LOUIS
That's pretty cliche. I just saw the
same thing in an episode of Destilando
Amor. And then in the next episode,
Alberto and Jose discovered they were
fraternal twin brothers, and then
later they went to their father's
funeral, where they got into this
crazy fistfight.

He gets up and starts mopping their floor. Several seconds

pass.

LOUIS
By the way--I'm thinking we should
start drinking more strawberry milk.
It tastes really good.

COLLIN
Yeah. Okay. Great talk, Louis.

INT. OFFICE ROOM - DAY

Collin is talking to a COWORKER (male, 50) by the water

cooler.

COWORKER
...And then we returned the toaster,
and exchanged it for a radio. I mean,
that's what you gotta do if you want
to stay gluten-free. You know what I
mean?

COLLIN
No. I don't believe in diets. At all.
I'm anti-diet one hundred percent.

COWORKER
Oh. You gotta try the gluten free
diet. I mean, you're not overweight or

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 36.

anything--but still. You stop eating

gluten, and your energy levels will go
through the roof.

COLLIN
No offense, but the next time you talk
to me, just say the intelligent stuff
in your head, instead of promoting
some dumb gluten-free diet.

COWORKER
You know, when I started working here
last week, people told me you were
like this. But I was like, "No. I'm
gonna talk to him, and he'll warm up
to me."

COLLIN
Okay. Well. I guess you should've
listened to everyone. Yeah. Because
guess what? When someone tells me
about a toaster trade and then follows
it up with an anti-gluten discussion,
and then I tell him I'm pro-gluten,
and then he disregards that
information and continues the anti-
gluten discussion, you know what
happens? I get this urge to make him
stop talking about gluten. It's just a
little quirk of mine.

COWORKER
In other words, you're anti-social.

COLLIN
Maybe I'm anti-social, or maybe you're
on a mission to say words into my
ears, without considering if my brain
wants to listen to those words.

COWORKER
Okay. Well. I guess those anger-
management rumors about you are true.

COLLIN
Yes. They are. Now go talk to Debbie
from accounting. She's very cheerful,
and she probably loves discussing
gluten.

The Coworker walks away.

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 37.

MR. THOMPSON (50) walks up to Collin.

MR. THOMPSON
Collin. I just talked to headquarters.
They said they're gonna need the
Sequoia Project complete by mid June.

COLLIN
Uh. Well. That's not gonna happen. I
need three months to finish that.

MR. THOMPSON
We need it in one month.

COLLIN
I can't do it in one month.

MR. THOMPSON
We really need it in one month. I
mean, if you can't do it, we might
have to bring in someone who can.

COLLIN
Great. Bring someone in. Preferably
someone who doesn't talk about gluten.

MR. THOMPSON
Well. I don't think you understand. If
you can't do it, we might have to
replace you with someone else.
_______

COLLIN
So you're threatening to fire me,
unless I somehow manage to do three
months of work in one month?

MR. THOMPSON
Who says it's three months of work?

COLLIN
I just said it.

MR. THOMPSON
That's your opinion.

COLLIN
What are you trying to say? That you
have a legitimate opinion on computer
programming? How would you know the
first thing about a job like this?

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 38.

MR. THOMPSON
Just calm down, Collin. Can't you be,
you know--more like all those other
computer guys?

COLLIN
What other computer guys?

MR. THOMPSON
Nerds who aren't looking for a fight.

COLLIN
I'm not looking for any fight, Mr.
Thompson! I'm explaining to you how
you are a guy who doesn't even know
how to download an app on his iPhone--
and yet, you're telling me how long it
takes to finish a complex programming
job. I'm not trying to fight you. I'm
trying to educate you, so that make
you can learn about how you don't know
anything about computers, and you also
don't know your head from your ass.

MR. THOMPSON
I might not be a computer expert--but
I know how to judge people. And I'm
not so sure you're the right guy for
this position.

COLLIN
Yeah. You definitely know how to judge
people. Which explains why you have
three ex-wives--one of whom you just
took to court for keying your car.

MR. THOMPSON
How did you know about that?

COLLIN
News flash, asshole! There's a thing
called Google! It's this technology
where you type something in, and it
gives you information on that thing.

MR. THOMPSON
You're way out of line, Collin. And
who are you to talk about my ex-wives?
You're also divorced.

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 39.

COLLIN
I get along great with my ex-wife.
We're friends or something.

MR. THOMPSON
Listen, Collin. I feel like in a
business setting, I'm a good judge of
people. And I feel like maybe we need
someone else to handle the computer
related stuff here.

COLLIN
Listen, jerkoff. I'm a computer
expert. I might not have the Bill
Gates glasses and the Magic the
Gathering cards--but I know computers,
and I know that the thing you want me
to do in one month takes at least
three months. And I also know that I
would love to kick your ass! And I
also know that I quit!

MR. THOMPSON
You're fired.

COLLIN
You got water in your ears? I said I
quit!

MR. THOMPSON
I said you're fired.

COLLIN
I said I quit first!

MR. THOMPSON
I said my thing fist.

Collin takes a stack of papers and throws them, and then

grabs a chair and throws it against a wall.

INT. POLICE STATION - DAY

Louis enters and walks up to a MAN IN HANDCUFFS.

LOUIS
Hey. I'm here to bail out Collin.

MAN IN HANDCUFFS
I don't work here.

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 40.

EXT. POLICE STATION - DAY

Collin and Louis are walking.

COLLIN
Thanks for bailing me out, bro.

LOUIS
No problem. Consider it my wedding
gift.

COLLIN
Where did you park?

LOUIS
I didn't. I didn't drive here. I
jogged.

COLLIN
We live five miles from here.

LOUIS
Six and a half.

COLLIN
Dude. When you bail someone out of
jail, it's customary to follow that up
by driving them to where they're
going. You don't jog six and a half
miles to a police station.

LOUIS
The point is, I got you out of jail.
Also, I'm gonna help you readjust to
life on the outside. By the way--did
you develop any drug addictions in
jail?

COLLIN
No. I didn't.

LOUIS
Oh. That's too bad. I mean, I'm really
good at getting people to quit opium.

COLLIN
I'm sure you are.

EXT. CLUB - NIGHT

Collin and Scarlett are standing in the exterior smoking

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 41.

section of a club along with other CLUBGOERS.

SCARLETT
Wow. Sarah's really drunk.

COLLIN
Well. It's her birthday party. She's
entitled to get drunk.

SCARLETT
This isn't her birthday party. It's
Janice's birthday party.
________

COLLIN
Which one is Janice again?

SCARLETT
Collin. You don't even know who my
friends are?

COLLIN
You got three separate groups of
friends. I'm thoroughly familiar with
the A-Team, and I know a lot about the
B-Team. As for this C-team, I don't
know them, and I don't want to know
them.

SCARLETT
Well. Since we're engaged, you gotta
know the names of all my friends.

COLLIN
Oh. As if you
___ know so much about __
my
friends.

SCARLETT
I know plenty about your friends.

COLLIN
Says who? What do you know about Jack?

SCARLETT
I know he's a real estate agent. I
know one of his listings is located at
473 North Palm Street. I know he's
trying to lose twenty pounds, and his
girlfriend wants him to go on the
gluten free diet, but he doesn't want
to, because he like mac n' cheese.

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 42.

COLLIN
... How do you know so much about
Jack? Are you sleeping with him?

SCARLETT
I talked to his girlfriend. In fact,
I'm friends with her now.

COLLIN
Do me a favor, and don't make any more
friends. Okay? You already got three
groups of friends. You don't need a D-
Team. Now, can we please talk about
something else?

SCARLETT
Fine. What do you want to talk about?

COLLIN
Um. Let me think. Oh. Here's a pretty
good topic. I quit my job.

SCARLETT
Oh. Um. I see. What happened?

COLLIN
My boss and I--we disagreed on how
long it takes to create a program that
coordinates one set of data with
another set of data.

SCARLETT
That's it?

COLLIN
Well. Yeah. And also, I called my boss
a jerkoff.

SCARLETT
Well maybe that's why you need to go
back to anger management.

COLLIN
Maybe that's why my boss needs to be
less of a jerkoff.

SCARLETT
A lot of people are jerkoffs! If you
want to be part of society, you have
to deal with those jerkoffs without
calling them jerkoffs.

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 43.

COLLIN
That's a beautiful quote, Scarlett.
Great message, and brilliant
articulated. I think the Bartlett's
quotation people will be very
interested in adding that to their
book.

SCARLETT
You need to add that to ____
your book, so
maybe you can work at the same place
for more than one year straight.

COLLIN
Duly noted. So, yeah. Are are we gonna
have an argument about that now?

SCARLETT
You know what? No. We don't need to
have an argument. You want to know
why? Because we're a couple, we have a
good relationship, so we don't need to
argue about stuff like that. You quit
your job, and you'll get another job.

COLLIN
That's a good attitude you have.

SCARLETT
Thank you.

COLLIN
We don't need to argue.

SCARLETT
Exactly. We don't need to argue. Let's
just focus on being a couple that's
getting married.

COLLIN
Great. Well. I mean, like, the thing
is, now that I'm unemployed and I
don't have a source of income, I, uh,
think maybe we should postpone the
wedding.

SCARLETT
... How are we supposed to postpone
the wedding, if we haven't even set a
wedding date yet?

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 44.

COLLIN
I meant the general concept of us
getting married.

SCARLETT
Or how about we set a date now, and
then right after we set that date, we
postpone that date, you jerkoff?!

COLLIN
Honey. Let's just slow down for a
second. Breathe. Okay? Breathe with
me. I learned that in anger management
class. Breathe. Breathe with me.

SCARLETT
I will not breathe with you, Collin.

COLLIN
Fine. Just breathe with yourself.
Breathe.

SCARLETT
I'm not gonna breathe!

COLLIN
Fine. Don't breathe.

SCARLETT
Who the hell are you to tell me not to
breathe?

COLLIN
Fine. Breathe.

SCARLETT
You'd like that--wouldn't you?!

COLLIN
I suppose I would.

SCARLETT
You breathe, Collin!

COLLIN
I'm breathing!

The Club's BOUNCER approaches them.

BOUNCER
Uh. Excuse me. Can you two take this

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 45.

outside?

COLLIN
We ___
are outside!

BOUNCER
But, like, outside of our property.

SCARLETT
Me and him--we've been engaged for
fifteen and a half months. We have no
wedding date set. And he wants to
postpone that wedding date that we
haven't even set. What do you have to
say about that?

BOUNCER
Well. I'm not really trained to deal
with this kind of stuff. You might
want to take this over to, um, Dr.
Phil.

COLLIN
(to Scarlett)
You didn't give him the whole story.
(to Bouncer)
I just got fired from my job--and now
she wants to set a wedding date.

SCARLETT
You said you quit.

COLLIN
Whatever. I quit right before my boss
was about to fire me, which was right
after I called my boss a jerkoff.

SCARLETT
(to Bouncer)
Let me ask you something. Have you
ever called your boss a jerkoff
before?

BOUNCER
Um. That's a good question. I'm gonna
go back inside now. You two can just
stay here, or go, or whatever. I don't
get paid enough to deal with other
people's relationships.

He walks away from them.

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 46.

COLLIN
Scarlett. Can we just, you know. Go
back in there, and take part in the
various festivities that are taking
place for Sarah's birthday party.

SCARLETT
Janice! It's Janice's birthday party!

COLLIN
Whatever. I don't need to distinguish
between one of your skank friends, and
another one of your skank friends.

SCARLETT
My friends are not skanks!

COLLIN
The C-group is. That's the skank
group. That's the only thing I know
about this group.

SCARLETT
Stop yelling, Collin. You need to
breathe. Breathe.

COLLIN
Don't tell me to breathe, baby!

SCARLETT
A second ago, you were telling me to
breathe.

COLLIN
Because I learned the technique at
anger management.

SCARLETT
You didn't learn a damn thing at anger
management.

COLLIN
You're damn right! Because anger
management is stupid! I only went
there because that skank judge made
me.Janice and Sarah should hang out
with her. She'd make a perfect fit for
this C-group of friends.

SCARLETT
Collin. Breathe!

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 47.

COLLIN
You breathe!

SCARLETT
You breathe!

INT. COLLIN AND LOUIS'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Louis is waxing the floor.

LOUIS
Watch out, bro. There's a lot of wax
on these floors.

Collin walks around the wax and sits on the sofa.

LOUIS
So how was that, um, birthday party?
Did they have a cake?

COLLIN
Um. Well. I don't know. I didn't stick
around till the end. I, uh--I told
Scarlett that I got fired, then we
argued about our wedding date, and
then we broke up.

LOUIS
Dude. You're doing too many things
over the course of too few days. First
the thing with your ex-wife, and then
all these new things. You gotta spread
things out a little. I mean, you don't
see __
me doing so many things in just
two days.

COLLIN
I usually don't see you doing anything
________
over the course of a _____
month, aside from
cleaning this place up.

LOUIS
Right. Yeah. I should do more things.
And you should do less things. So,
like, you're single now?

COLLIN
Yeah. And you know what? The break up
was what I really wanted all long. I
thought I was just looking to not set
a wedding date. But I was really

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 48.

looking for a break up. A break-up is

like not setting a wedding date, but
better. I mean, not setting a wedding
date is like cake. But a break-up is
like cake with icing.

LOUIS
I thought you said you didn't have any
cake.

COLLIN
I meant the metaphorical cake. Not the
literal cake.

LOUIS
Right. So are you gonna literally or
metaphorically keep seeing your ex-
wife?

COLLIN
I have no idea. It would be nice if
she'd call me or something

LOUIS
Just call her.

COLLIN
Dude. I left her home in my underwear.
You don't call someone after you leave
her home in your underwear. You wait
for them to call you. It's basic
etiquette.

INT. GYM - DAY

Collin is exercising on a machine. Ciara walks up to him.

CIARA
Well. If it isn't my friend's brother.

COLLIN
Hi.

CIARA
How's it going?

COLLIN
Fine.

CIARA
I see you've been coming into to the

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 49.

gym more often.

COLLIN
Yeah. Thanks for noticing.

CIARA
You know, I heard you bumped into
Vanessa at a supermarket.

COLLIN
How did you know that?

CIARA
She told me.

COLLIN
Oh. Right. Yeah. She mentioned that
you two are friends now.

CIARA
Yeah. We've been hanging out a lot,
for, like, a year.

COLLIN
Why do girls feel the need to have so
many friends?

CIARA
Um. I don't know. So, um. What exactly
happened between you two that day?

COLLIN
Nothing really. Why? What did she say?

CIARA
Oh. Nothing. I mean, not that much.
But, I'm just wondering. What
happened?

COLLIN
What happened is that she said hi, and
I said hi, and, you know. That's
pretty much it.

CIARA
Oh. That's not what she told me.

COLLIN
What did she tell you?

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 50.

CIARA
Um. I don't really want to say it.

COLLIN
Why not?

CIARA
Well. It's, um, you know.

COLLIN
What?

CIARA
Not something to discuss in this
setting.

COLLIN
Wait. What did she say?

CIARA
You know.

COLLIN
I know what?

CIARA
You know.

COLLIN
Ciara. Can you please just tell me
what I know?

CIARA
Collin. She told me everything.

COLLIN
What everything did she tell you?

CIARA
The whole shebang. Including the R-
rated parts.

COLLIN
She told you that?!

CIARA
Yeah.

COLLIN
Why would she tell you that?

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 51.

CIARA
She's my best friend.

COLLIN
Since when? How did you two become
best friends?

CIARA
I don't know. We started hanging out,
and, like, watching Gilmore Girls on
Netflix. Then we finished it, and we
moved on to Desperate Housewives on
Hulu. I have the Hulu plan with no
commercials.

COLLIN
How delightful. Get to the point.

CIARA
The point is, me and her just hit it
off, and now we're best friends. We
know almost everything about each
other.

COLLIN
You know too much.

CIARA
So. What are you gonna do about her?

COLLIN
I don't know. What should I do?

CIARA
Are you gonna call her?

COLLIN
I don't know. Does she want me to call
her?

CIARA
I don't know.

COLLIN
But she's your best friend.

CIARA
She doesn't want me to tell you if she
does or doesn't want you to call her.

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 52.

COLLIN
Well. What do you think I should do?

CIARA
Well. The thing is, she doesn't want
me to tell you what I think you should
do.

COLLIN
Holy smokes. What the hell kind of
conversation are we having right now?

CIARA
Well. Let me just say this. You
probably should call her. I mean, you
should call a woman after, um, you
know.

COLLIN
But not necessarily after you leave
her home in your underwear. Maybe
she's the one who should call me, and
clear up the whole thing about her
having a fiance. Why wasn't she
wearing an engagement ring that day?

CIARA
She wasn't wearing an engagement ring?
She didn't mention that to me.

COLLIN
Well. Maybe you and your best friend
need to start talking about more
things.

CIARA
Do you think I should tell her about
this conversation we're having?

COLLIN
I don't know. Just, um--I guess you
should. But, like, don't tell her we
saw each other at the gym. Tell her I
saw you at a car wash.

CIARA
Why?

COLLIN
I don't know. I feel like we should
bring some lies into the equation.

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 53.

CIARA
Should I tell her to call you?

COLLIN
Tell her I think I might call her.

CIARA
What else? Should I tell her you've
been thinking about her a lot?

COLLIN
Just tell her what I said!

CIARA
Calm down, Collin. By the way--how's
your fiance?

COLLIN
Fine. I broke up with her.

CIARA
You broke up with her!? I gotta tell
Vanessa.

COLLIN
Don't tell her that. She'll get the
wrong idea.

CIARA
I have to tell her that. She's my best
friend.

COLLIN
I don't want her to think I want to
get back with her, and that's why I
broke up with my fiance.

CIARA
Well then why did you ak up with your
fiance?

COLLIN
Because none of your damn business.
Just, you know what? Don't tell
Vanessa anything. I'll call her later.

CIARA
Fine. Enjoy your workout.

She walks away.

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 54.

Collin continues working out. Ten seconds later, his phone

rings, and he answers it.

COLLIN
Uh. Hi.

VANESSA
Hi. Ciara just told me she talked to
you.

COLLIN
When did she tell you that?

VANESSA
Five seconds ago.

COLLIN
Right. Well. So, we should talk about
this some other time.

Ciara is now standing right behind Collin.

CIARA
Are you talking to Vanessa?

COLLIN
Holy shit! Don't sneak up on me like
that. Now will you do me a favor and
please go over to the elliptical
machines? I'm trying to have a private
conversation.

CIARA
Fine. It doesn't matter, anyways.
Vanessa's gonna tell me everything
later.

She walks away.

COLLIN
Hi. So, uh, we should talk later. Um.
You know.

VANESSA
Ciara told me that you broke up with
your fiance.

COLLIN
Yeah. Well. But, you know. I mean, my
breaking up with her, it, um--it was
just a long time coming. It's, you

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 55.

know. Um. So, yeah. And as far as the

two of us go, I think, you know. We're
friends now. So that's great. And, uh,
OK. Nice talk. Um. Bye.

He hangs up. Ciara is now once again standing hear him.

CIARA
You handled that real well.

INT. OFFICE ROOM - DAY

Collin is seated across from a MR. KAUFMAN (50).

MR. KAUFMAN
So, your last job. What happened
there?

COLLIN
Well. Everything was moving along
well. But my boss--he lacked an
understanding of what my job really
involved. And at one point, he made
this very unrealistic demand. He
wanted me to do something in one
month, and I tried to tell him that it
would take three months. But he just
wan't willing to accept that.

MR. KAUFMAN
I see. And you quit.

COLLIN
Yeah. Well. I mean, if you ask my
former boss, he might tell you that he
fired me. But, you know. I rationally
explained to him how I couldn't do
what he was demanding from me. He
refused to listen. So I quit. And he,
um--let's just say he reacted strongly
to the whole thing. He even got
offended for some reason.

MR. KAUFMAN
Mm hm. But you generally get along
with others?

COLLIN
Absolutely. I go out of my way to do
that, even when someone's being
unreasonable. I get along with others

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 56.

very well.

SECRETARY ON INTERCOM
Sir. Johnson needs to see you. He says
it's important.

MR. KAUFMAN
Send him in.
(to Collin)
Just give me one second.

Marcus (the man from the supermarket) walks in holding a

stack of papers.

MARCUS
Sorry to interrupt, Mr. Kaufman. It's
just that these FAJ reports are...
(notices Collin)
uh... what are you doing here?

COLLIN
I'm applying for a job.

MR. KAUFMAN
You two know each other?

MARCUS
Sort of. We had some sort of an
altercation at Albertson's.

COLLIN
Mr. Kaufman. I get along with people
very well, except for this gentleman
right here.

MARCUS
You pretty much challenged me to a
fistfight in the parking lot.

COLLIN
That's not true. Mr. Kaufman--I can
assure you that I didn't challenge
this man to a fistfight in the parking
lot.

MARCUS
But you did say some pretty outrageous
stuff.

COLLIN
Well. I don't know about outrageous.

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 57.

MARCUS
But you did act like an asshole.

COLLIN
Let me put it this way, my friend. I
didn't challenge you to a fistfight in
that supermarket--but I'm about to
challenge you to a fistfight right now
in this motherfucking office.
(to Mr. Kaufman)
Mr. Kaufman. I can assure you that I
get along with most people. Don't let
this one example sway you.

MR. KAUFMAN
This seems like a pretty significant
example.

COLLIN
I see. Well what do you know about
anything, dumbass?! You think just
because you're the boss of some
company, you have it all figured
out?How about you kiss my ass, Mr
Kaufman?!

MR. KAUFMAN
I think you should probably leave.

COLLIN
I think so, too. You think I want to
work here, with two pieces of garbage
like you guys?

MR. KAUFMAN
(on phone)
Security. I need you in my office.

COLLIN
Great. Call security on me. Bust just
so you know, I do get a long with some
people. Most people. Over fifty
percent. I get along with fifty one
percent of people. You two assholes
are in the forty nine percent. Have a
nice day.

Collin begins to walk out.

MARCUS
Racist.

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 58.

COLLIN
I'm not racist. I insulted both of you
equally. He's white, you're black--and
I want to kick both of your asses.

A SECURITY GUARD enters.

COLLIN
Hi, security. Will you please escort
me out of this office? Thank you.

INT. SCARLETT'S APARTMENT - DAY

Collin is talking to Scarlett.

COLLIN
... So, um. You know. You're great.
And our relationship was great. But I
guess not all relationships are meant
to go all the way. But, um, you're
gonna find Mr. Right, probably
tonight, or soon.

SCARLETT
Well. Uh. Thanks for saying that.

COLLIN
So, uh--can I have that engagement
ring back?

SCARLETT
Excuse me?

COLLIN
I gave you some jewelry when we got
engaged. A gold ring, with some kind
of diamond on it.

SCARLETT
Yes. I know what ring you're talking
about.

COLLIN
Well. Since we're not engaged... you
know. Maybe we should do the whole
jewelry return thing.

SCARLETT
You're asking for your ring back,
right now?

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 59.

COLLIN
Well. It's just that I kind of need
money soon.

SCARLETT
Well. It's my ring. US law. Possession
is nine tenths of the law. You gave me
the ring.

COLLIN
Well. The thing is, I didn't just hand
you the ring and say, "Here. Here's a
gift. Take it." I said, "Will you
marry me?" So, you know. If we're not
getting married, then why would you
still have a "will you marry me" ring?

SCARLETT
Great. I appreciate the legal
explanation. I'll give the ring back
to you when the time is right.

COLLIN
Very nice. Yeah. Give it to me when
the time is right. And how about in
the meantime, you give me the $4700
the ring is worth. And then you can
feel whatever the fuck you want to
feel from that point on?

SCARLETT
... Why did we break up, Collin? I
want to know more about our breakup.

COLLIN
We broke up because we're not right
for each other.

SCARLETT
I'll bet you've been seeing someone
else.

COLLIN
No. You're wrong about that.

SCARLETT
You're seeing someone else.

She takes a picture of him as he says:

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 60.

COLLIN
I'm not.

SCARLETT
Oh really? Let's take a look at the
photo.

COLLIN
Well here's another reason why we
broke up. You do this lie detector
thing on me.

SCARLETT
Yeah. Because you constantly lie to
me.

COLLIN
Look, Scarlett. I really think the
world of you. I do. But, you know.
We're not right for each other.

SCARLETT
You want your ring?

COLLIN
That would be nice. I normally
wouldn't ask you. But, you know. I've
got the whole unemployment thing--and
Cinnamon Toast Crunch doesn't pay for
itself.

SCARLETT
You really shouldn't eat cereal more
than once a day.

COLLIN
Yes. I'm gonna eat other foods.

SCARLETT
I'll give you the ring.

COLLIN
Great.

SCARLETT
As soon as you tell me which skank
you've been seeing.

COLLIN
There's no skank.

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 61.

SCARLETT
There is.

COLLIN
No way. I don't even like skanks. You
know that.

SCARLETT
I don't know that. I mean, you got
engaged to me, and I'm pretty skanky.

COLLIN
Um. Well. Hm. That's, um...

SCARLETT
I think we need to talk about our
relationship.

COLLIN
Absolutely. But, um, I gotta go, um,
to a job interview. So, yeah. You know
what? You can, you know. Keep the
ring. I want you to have it.

SCARLETT
Job e my sweet patoot! I'll bet you're
gonna go shack up with your new
girlfriend!

COLLIN
No. I just, you know. I need to go get
a job. So, I'll talk to you later.

He leaves.

INT. COLIN'S APARTMENT - DAY

Collin answers his phone.

COLLIN
Uh. Hey, Vanessa.

VANESSA
Collin. We really need to talk.

COLLIN
Uh. Yeah. Talk.

VANESSA
So where do you want to do it?

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 62.

COLLIN
Do it? You mean, like, what we did the
last time we saw each other.

VANESSA
No. Not that it. I meant talk.

COLLIN
Right. Of course you meant that. Um. I
guess we can do it on the phone, is
what we're gonna do is talk.

VANESSA
I'm not gonna have this conversation
over the phone.

COLLIN
Graham Bell invented the phone for a
reason.

VANESSA
Collin. We're not gonna do this over
the phone.

COLLIN
Well. We can do it at my place.

VANESSA
Right. We can do it at your place. But
just so we're clear, by "do it," I
mean talk.

COLLIN
OK.

VANESSA
You know what? I don't want to talk at
your apartment. We might start
talking, and then it'll lead to
something else. Let's meet up at,
like, Denny's. I don't know anyone who
goes to Denny's. And we'll go to a
Denny's in another city.

COLLIN
I gotta drive to another city just to
go to Denny's?

VANESSA
You're gonna drive to another city so
we won't be seen together by anyone.

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 63.

COLLIN
Who cares if we're seen together?
People saw us together at the
supermarket.

VANESSA
I think my fiance is getting
suspicious. Let's talk at Denny's.

COLLIN
How about a Denny's in this city? I
mean, you just said you don't know
anyone who goes to Denny's, period.

VANESSA
I might know someone who goes to
Denny's. A lot of people go to
Denny's.

COLLIN
Fine. Let's go to Coco's. s

Louis enters, and starts vacuuming.

COLLIN
Louis. Can you, like, vacuum later?

LOUIS
When?

COLLIN
Later!

LOUIS
OK.

COLLIN
So, um, what were we talking about?

VANESSA
We're gonna meet up together.

COLLIN
Right. At Coco's.

VANESSA
I have a better idea. There's this
diner I know about, in a mall in
Alhambra.

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 64.

COLLIN
How about we go to IHOP? That way I
can get a Rooty Tooty Fresh N' Fruity.

VANESSA
Alhambra. Let me find the address.
We'll meet there. Tomorrow morning.

Louis is now standing near Collin and listening to his phone

conversation.

LOUIS
Bro. If you go to IHOP, can you bring
me back a few flapjacks?

INT. DINER - DAY

Collin enters and looks around for Vanessa.

Vanessa is seated at a table, but wearing a red wig and

tinted glasses.

VANESSA
Hey. It's me.

COLLIN
Me who?

VANESSA
Me.

COLLIN
Are you sure?

VANESSA
Yeah. I'm pretty sure this is me.

COLLIN
Oh. Why do you look like Kathie Lee
Gifford circa 1991?

VANESSA
This is my disguise. Sit down.

COLLIN
Disguise?

VANESSA
Yeah. I don't want us to be spotted.

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 65.

COLLIN
In a diner in Alhambra?

VANESSA
Yes. Sit down.

He sits down.

COLLIN
How come you didn't seem so disguised
when you were busy hugging me at the
supermarket?

VANESSA
Because. There's nothing suspicious
about a woman and her ex husband
seeing each other at a supermarket.

COLLIN
Then why didn't we have this meeting
at a supermarket?

VANESSA
Who the hell has a meeting at a
supermarket?

COLLIN
Right. yeah. You gotta have these
meetings at an Alhambra diner, with a
red wig.

VANESSA
Can we please stop talking about
locations and meetings and disguises?
Listen, Collin. What happened the
other day, I don't know. I just--I'm
not sure what happened. I just--I
still have some feelings for you.
Which makes sense. We were together
for three years. And also, that day, I
had had an argument with Will.

COLLIN
Who's Will?

VANESSA
My fiance! You don't know his name?

COLLIN
Well. You didn't formally introduce me
to him.

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 66.

VANESSA
You didn't ask around or anything?

COLLIN
Honey--I'm not in the same social
circles I was in when we were
together. I can't pick up that kind of
info so easily.

VANESSA
You just called me honey. Are you
trying to get back together with me?
Because if you are, we really need to
talk.

COLLIN
Um. I'm just used to calling you
honey. You know. We were together for
three years.

VANESSA
By the way--I heard about your break
up with Scarlett.

COLLIN
Where the hell did you hear about
that? Oh--right. I told Ciara at the
gym.

VANESSA
I didn't just hear about it from
Ciara. Everyone knows, Collin.

COLLIN
Okay.

VANESSA
Did you break up with her because you
think we're gonna get back together?

COLLIN
No. I just--it wasn't working out.

VANESSA
Oh. Well, about the other day. I
should probably explain some of that.
I mean, you walked out of there in
your underwear. Did you have trouble
getting to your car and stuff?

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 67.

COLLIN
Uh. No. Thanks for asking.

VANESSA
Anyways. Me and Will. We just started
living together a month ago. Sort of.
Like, he stays at his place and I stay
at my place on Mondays and Tuesdays.
And then we live at my place on
Wednesday and Thursdays. And then we
stay at his place on Fridays,
Saturdays, and Sundays.

COLLIN
That fantastic. I'm glad you to
lovebirds have a system.

VANESSA
Listen. That day me and you were
together. Will as supposed to be out
until late at night. But he came back
really early.

COLLIN
Okay.

VANESSA
This is the first time I've cheated on
him, by the way. We're still gonna get
married.

COLLIN
Good. You should. He seems like a
great guy.

A WAITRESS walks up to them.

WAITRESS
Hi. May I take your orders?

VANESSA
Um. I'll just have three scrambled
eggs, and orange juice.

COLLIN
Let me get some pancakes, and a glass
of milk.

WAITRESS
Alright. I'll get your drinks right
away.

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 68.

COLLIN
Great. Thank you.
(to Vanessa)
She seems nice. By the way--do you
want to go half and half on the
pancakes and eggs?

VANESSA
That seems too intimate. I don't want
to start a relationship with you
again. Listen, Collin. I've been doing
a lot of thinking over the past couple
of days. And I just don't know what to
think. I mean, I just--the fact that I
just took you to my apartment and made
love to you--that has to mean
something. Or does it?

COLLIN
Look, honey. Vanessa. You're a great
girl, and that day was really special
to me. But, um, you know. It's just.
Our three years together showed that
we're not right for each other.

Scarlett enters and walks up to them.

SCARLETT
So this is the skank?!

COLLIN
Scarlett. Um. What the hell are you
doing in Alhambra?

SCARLETT
I followed you. And I've been sitting
over there, in this disguise, watching
you and this redhead for the last five
minutes. Now, please introduce me to
her.

COLLIN
I think you already know her.

VANESSA
(in disguised voice)
No. She doesn't know me.

COLLIN
Uh. Yeah.
(to Scarlett)

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 69.

You don't know her. I hardly know her

myself. She's, um, basically some
redheaded skank I just met.

VANESSA
(in disguised voice)
No I'm not.

COLLIN
Fine. You're not. You tell her who you
are.

VANESSA
(in disguised voice)
I'm Collin's friend. Jessie. That's
it.

COLLIN
Exactly. She's my friend Jessie who
lives in Alhambra. She ordered
scrambled eggs. I ordered pancakes.

SCARLETT
Bullshit, Collin. I know what's going
on. You two have been seeing each
other.

COLLIN
Honey--you're way off.

SCARLETT
So you're calling me honey? I thought
we broke up.

COLLIN
It's a habit of mine. When I've been
with a woman for a long time, I call
her honey. Because I'm so romantic.

SCARLETT
Oh yeah. You're really romantic.
You're divorced, you just broke up
with me, and now you're gonna string
along this woman for who knows how
long, and then break up with her.
(to Vanessa)
He's not marriage material, you know.
Just walk away, and go meet someone
else. I'm sure there are plenty of
great guys in Alhambra.

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 70.

VANESSA
I'm sure there are--but I'm already
engaged.

SCARLETT
You two just got engaged?

COLLIN
No. Um. Jessie here is engaged to
another man. She's just my friend.

SCARLETT
Whatever. I can't believe you dragged
me all the way over here to Alhambra
for this!

COLLIN
You followed me!

SCARLETT
Of course I did! You broke up with me,
and then two days later you asked me
to give you my ring back!

VANESSA
(to Collin)
You asked her for the ring?

The Waitress is walking near them.

COLLIN
Miss. Check please.

WAITRESS
Um. You haven't gotten your food yet.

COLLIN
Cancel the orders.

SCARLETT
Don't cancel the orders.
(to Collin and Vanessa)
You and your redheaded lover should
eat breakfast.

VANESSA
I'm not his lover.

COLLIN
Yeah. And she probably not even a
redhead.

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 71.

(to Waitress)
Miss--cancel the orders.

SCARLETT
Don't cancel them.

COLLIN
(hands her a twenty)
Here's twenty dollars. Just, make the
food, and eat it yourself.

She takes the 20 and walks away.

COLLIN
Look. What we need to do right now is
just breathe.

SCARLETT
Don't bring that shit up again!

COLLIN
Just, you know. Let's go outside.
We'll smoke a few cigarettes. We'll
talk this through. We don't need to
create a scene.

SCARLETT
We're not creating a scene, you
freaking asshole!

She throws a ketchup bottle at a wall.

COLLIN
(hands the waitress another $20
bill)
Waitress. Here's another twenty for
the ketchup bottle.
(to Vanessa and Scarlett)
So, yeah. Follow me, ladies.

he gets up and starts walking out. They follow him out.

INT. MALL - DAY

COLLIN
By the way, have you two lost weight?

SCARLETT
Shut up, Collin! I don't see why you
want to talk things through with me

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 72.

and your mistress or side chick or

whoever she is.

He presses a button for the elevator.

VANESSA
I'm not a side chick or a mistress.

COLLIN
What do you care if she calls you a
side chick or mistress? You're not
even you right now.

SCARLETT
What do you mean she's not she? If
she's not she, then who the hell is
she?

COLLIN
She's just--she has, like, bipolar,
multiple personalities.

The elevator opens. They get on.

INT. ELEVATOR - DAY

TONY (30) and SARAH (35) are in the elevator. The door
closes.

SCARLETT
Collin. Who the hell is this woman?

COLLIN
My friend. Jessica.

SCARLETT
Well how long have you been cheating
on me with your friend, Jessica?

COLLIN
Can we not have this conversation in
an elevator?

TONY
Go ahead and have it. I don't mind.

COLLIN
I appreciate that, my friend. And I'd
also appreciate it if you'd mind your
business and shut your damn mouth.

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 73.

SCARLETT
Why do you always have to get into
fights with people, Collin?

TONY
Listen to your girl, Collin.

The elevator stops moving.

VANESSA
Looks like we're stuck.

COLLIN
What do you mean?

SCARLETT
I think what this redheaded bitch is
is trying to say, is that the elevator
isn't moving or opening.

COLLIN
Um. Hm. Let me just try this, um, open
door button.

He presses the button. Nothing happens. He presses it ten

more times.

TONY
Now what, Collin?

SARAH
(looks at a phone number listed in
the elevator)
I'm gonna call this help number.

COLLIN
Yeah. That would be great. Please
hurry.

SCARLETT
By the way, Collin. I brought the
ring.

COLLIN
Oh. Um. Fantastic. I, uh--that was
very thoughtful of you.

SCARLETT
If you want, you can sell it, so you
can spend it on your skank friend.

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 74.

TONY
Oh--snap!

VANESSA
Listen. If you call me a skank one
more time, I'm gonna punch you right
in the face.

TONY
Oh--double snap!

COLLIN
You better cut that out, asshole.

TONY
Triple snap!

COLLIN
Ladies--just, calm down.

SARAH
Hi. We're stuck in an elevator in the
Alhambra Galleria Mall. ... Yeah. ...
Great.
(to everyone in the elevator)
He says they should have someone down
here in five minutes.

SCARLETT
Give me that phone.
(grabs Sarah's phone)
Hi. This is another one of the
elevator passengers. Feel free to take
your time. Me and my ex-fiance and his
new woman are gonna have a nice
conversation in the meantime, and we
could actually use about a half hour
enclosed in this elevator.

COLLIN
(takes the phone)
Actually, sir. Um--this is the ex-
fiance. I'll pay you guys five hundred
dollars if you can get us out of here
in the next two minutes.
(to Sarah)
He says he wants to talk to you.

SARAH
Hi again. ... OK. Great. Thanks.
(to Everyone in the elevator)

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 75.

They're coming down here.

COLLIN
That's great. And, um, in the
meantime, let's all try a little, um,
Zen meditation, and we'll just do
that, in silence, until they get here.

SCARLETT
(to Vanessa)
Wait a second. I know you.

COLLIN
Of course you know her. She's Jessica.
The woman you met five minutes ago.

SCARLETT
No.
(to Vanessa)
Where do I know you from?

TONY
This is getting pretty good.

SCARLETT
Where do I know you from?

SARAH
I think we should all do the Zen
meditation.

COLLIN
Thank you. Yes. Good idea.

SCARLETT
Collin. Is this your ex-wife in a wig?

COLLIN
What? No. Why would Jessica be my ex-
wife in a wig? Scarlett. I, uh--you
have what's known as Fregoli Syndrome.
It's this disorder where you think one
person is another person in disguise.

Scarlett pulls of Vanessa's wig.

VANESSA
Um. Hi, Scarlett. I don't believe
we've met yet. I'm Collin's ex-wife,
Vanessa.

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 76.

SCARLETT
You're dead, bitch!

TONY
Let's get ready to rumble!

COLLIN
Whoa! Hold on. Um. Listen. What we
need to do right now is, like, um...

SCARLETT
You better not tell us to just
breathe!

COLLIN
No. Of course not. We need to, um,
like, do something.

TONY
Dude--what kind of a player are you?
You got both of your bitches in one
elevator. That's not a player move.

COLLIN
I'm not a player, and these are not my
bitches.

TONY
I'm just saying, bro. You gotta
separate your ho's.

COLLIN
For your information, I did separate
them. But one secretly followed me
thirty miles to Alhambra.

SCARLETT
Are you implying that I'm a ho?

COLLIN
No. He called you a ho. I was just,
you know, explaining things within his
framework. I don't have any ho's or
any bitches.
(to Sarah)
You get what I'm saying--right?

SARAH
Uh. Yeah.

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 77.

SCARLETT
I'll bet she's also one of your ho's.

COLLIN
She most certainly is not.

SCARLETT
She is. And I'll bet she's wearing a
wig, too!

SARAH
I'll bet I'm not.

SCARLETT
You got all these ho's running around
Alhambra, wearing wigs.

TONY
You know what, homey? I take my
statement back. Only a true player
would have a bunch of ho's running
around Alhambra, wearing wigs.

COLLIN
There are no ho's in the equation,
homey.
(to Scarlett)
Scarlett--this woman is not wearing a
wig, and she's not one of my ho's.

SCARLETT
Whatever. The point is, you're a dirty
dog.

VANESSA
Listen. Scarlett.

SCARLETT
Don't call me by my name! You don't
know me.

VANESSA
Right. Yeah. Um. I'm just saying. Me
and Collin. This isn't what you think
it is. It's just...

SCARLETT
I know what it's just. It's just, you
stole my man!

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 78.

TONY
Snap again!

COLLIN
No. No snap.

SARAH
Yeah. I agree.

COLLIN
Thank you.

SCARLETT
Oh. So now you're hitting on this
woman you just met in an elevator,
right in front of us.

COLLIN
I'm not hitting on her.

SCARLETT
Why don't you two get a room?

SARAH
Because we don't need a room.

SCARLETT
(to Collin)
You know what? After I kick her ass,
I'm gonna kick your ass.

TONY
That's what I'm talking about! You
better handle your business, and mess
up both of these bitches!

SCARLETT
Yeah. I better.

VANESSA
Listen. Me and Collin--we're just
friends. I've been having some
relationship problems, with my fiance
Will. And I wanted to get some, like,
insight, from my first husband. You
know. Like, if you want to learn about
your current relationship and why it's
not moving along, who better to
consult with than the guy you were
married to for three years?

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 79.

SCARLETT
In other words, you're a dumb, lying
ho.

The fight.

Collin breaks them up.

COLLIN
Whoa! Ladies! Ladies! Just, let's
breathe a little.

Tony is on a video call with Marcus.

TONY
Marcus! Check it out, man!
(points his camera at Collin,
Vanessa, and Scarlett)
I'm stuck in an elevator with some
dude and his fiance and his sidechick
who's also his ex-wife. It's about to
be some major pandemonium up in here.
A catfight, pay-per-view, fifty nine
ninety nine.

COLLIN
The catfight's over, buddy.

MARCUS
(to Tony)
Wait. I know that guy.

TONY
You know him?

MARCUS
Hell yeah I know him! He's the racist
dude I got into an altercation with at
ALbertson's. And then again at my
boss's office. Let me talk to him.

TONY
Uh. Collin. My friend wants to talk to
you.

COLLIN
I should've figured. I should've
figured that this idiot was friends
with you. It makes perfect sense.

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 80.

MARCUS
You want to call me the n-word--don't
you?

COLLIN
Why would I want to call you the n-
word?

TONY
Just admit that you were looking at my
Kool-Aid.

SCARLETT
Um. What is he talking about?

COLLIN
It's a long, idiotic story.
(to Tony)
Listen. Will you turn off that phone?

MARCUS
Tony. You know what you should do? Put
this on Facebook live.

COLLIN
Man. I wish you were in this elevator
right now. Because if you were, I
would kick your ass!

MARCUS
Oh. I see. So you want to kick my
black ass.

COLLIN
I never said black! This has nothing
to do with black. You can paint your
ass white, and I'll still kick it!

SCARLETT
Collin. Don't forget your anger
management techniques.

MARCUS
Yeah, Collin. Manage your anger.

COLLIN
Mind your business!
(to Scarlett)
And you're not my fiance anymore--so
who the hell are you to tell me to
manage my anger?!

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 81.

SCARLETT
If I'm not your fiance, then how come
I have your ring?

COLLIN
That's a great question! Thanks for
asking! Please keep on talking about
how you have retained my six thousand
dollar ring during my unemployment and
after our breakup! Please keep on
talking about it in a stalled elevator
with two strangers present!

VANESSA
(to Scarlett)
Can you believe him? He gets crazy
angry at everyone all the time. Every
day it's something.

SCARLETT
I know. And it's like, I've been with
him for so long, that I'm actually
used to it now. It's just a normal day-
to-day thing with him.

VANESSA
Yeah. I know what you mean. I got used
to it too, when we were married and
dating.

SCARLETT
Yeah. It's just so like him to act
this way. Like, the other day, we were
at a movie theater. And some guy
sitting behind us, he was talking
during the previews. Not the movie.
the previews. And of course, that was
Collin's cue to launch World War
Three. And we got kicked out of the
theater.

COLLIN
Hey. That guy was talking nonstop
during the previews. He wasn't
whispering, either. His volume was way
too high.

VANESSA
(to Scarlett)
You know how many times we got kicked
out of movie theaters when we were

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 82.

married? Seven. Seven freaking times.

SCARLETT
That doesn't surprise me one bit.

TONY
Me neither.

MARCUS
Me neither.

COLLIN
Nobody asked you.

VANESSA
One time we got kicked out, because he
was mad about the popcorn, because it
was...

SCARLETT
Too stale.

VANESSA
Yes.

SCARLETT
Yeah. Same here. I mean, we didn't get
kicked out. But he made a huge scene
over stale popcorn.

COLLIN
Well. I mean, they charge nine bucks
for that popcorn. If you're gonna have
the audacity to do that, your popcorn
better not be stale.

VANESSA
But you don't have to get all crazy on
account of some stale popcorn.

COLLIN
It's nine dollar popcorn! So if it's
stale, I'm gonna return it! Selling me
stale nine dollar popcorn is an
insult!

SARAH
It __
is pretty insulting. I mean, if
they're gonna charge five times the
normal price, they could at least go
out of their way to give you something

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 83.

fresh.

COLLIN
Exactly. That's what I'm talking
about.

MARCUS
I'll bet you returned that popcorn to
a _____
black guy working at the concession
stand. You wouldn't do that with a
white guy.

SARAH
Listen. If you were to open your eyes,
you'd realize that just 'cause some
white people are racist, that doesn't
mean you should go around accusing
almost every white person of
constantly being racist.

COLLIN
Exactly. I mean, Dr. King didn't
accuse all white people of being
racist--and he lived back when there
were Jim Crow laws and stuff like
that.

MARCUS
Hey! Don't tell me what Dr. King said,
white boy! I'll tell ___
you what Dr. King
said. I'm the one who gets to quote
Dr. King. Not you.

COLLIN
I have a dream! My dream is to exit
this elevator, hunt you down, and
knock you into next Tuesday!

SCARLETT
Collin. Calm down.

VANESSA
Yeah.

COLLIN
You two--my ex-wife and my ex-fiance--
don't get to tell me when to calm
down. I'm just letting this gentleman
on the phone know that his brand of
racial views aren't in line with those
of Doctor Martin Luther King.

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 84.

SCARLETT
Is this really the right occasion to
discuss the views of Martin Luther
King?

TONY
Well. I mean, it __
is black history
month.

SCARLETT
You stay out of this, buddy.

COLLIN
There you go again. Always bossing
people around. You bossed me around
for most of our relationship.

SCARLETT
Bossed you around?! You went along
with maybe twenty percent of what I
said.

COLLIN
That's because you said so much stuff.
If you try to order me around ten
times an hour, and I follow your
orders twenty percent of the time ,
that means I obey two of your orders
per hour. That's like you being my
boss--just like Mr. Thompson, my
actual boss.

SCARLETT
Right. yeah. Just like Mr. Thompson,
the boss you called a jackass and you
threatened to beat up.

VANESSA
He did that? Typical Collin.

COLLIN
He wanted me to do three months of
work in one month! He wouldn't listen
to my explanation on what that kind
intricate, laborious computer
programming his project involved.

VANESSA
Maybe he didn't listen because you
shouted it at him.

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 85.

COLLIN
Even before I shouted, he didn't
listen. That's why I shouted.

SARAH
I wish I had the guts to shout out my
boss. He doesn't listen to anything.

COLLIN
(to Vanessa)
Yeah. See. She knows what I mean. Most
bosses--they don't listen.

MARCUS
I get along quite well with my boss.

SARAH
You shut your mouth, buddy! All you do
is instigate! You're an instigator!
(to Collin)
You know what? That felt good. I
should yell more often.

VANESSA
(to Collin)
Well congratulations, Collin. I see
you've added a disciple to your
ludicrous philosophical school of
anger.

MARCUS
Tony. Did that white girl call me an
instigator?

TONY
Uh. Yeah.

MARCUS
You know what? Instigator sounds an
awful lot like the n-word.

Collin grabs Marcus's phone. He presses End Call.

COLLIN
End call!
(hands the phone to Tony)
There you go. Keep that damn phone in
your pocket.

SCARLETT
You know, I'm glad we got stuck on

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 86.

this elevator. Because now I know. I

can't deal with what you bring to the
table. You're like Ricky RIcardo.

COLLIN
Um. Come again?

SCARLETT
Ricky Ricardo. You know. He's always
yelling at people, and he plays drums
like a maniac.

VANESSA
Yeah. Exactly! Collin is like Ricky
Ricardo.

SCARLETT
Yeah.
(to Collin)
And now I know. I know that you're not
the right guy for me. That fiery Latin
thing might've been a good fit for
Lucy. But not me.

COLLIN
I'm not Latin.

SCARLETT
You get my point.

COLLIN
You're damn right I do. your point is,
instead of being with Ricky Ricardo,
you should track down some sissy like
Chandler Bing, and put a leash around
his neck.

SARAH
Ugh! Chandler. That guy's so annoying.

VANESSA
How can you not like Chandler?
Everyone likes Chandler.

Marcus is back on Tony's video phone.

MARCUS
I like Gunther. And yes, believe it or
not some black folks watch the show
Friends.

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 87.

COLLIN
You know what? I guess you ___
are an
Uncle Tom.

MARCUS
Oh! That's it! now it's on, Collin!
I'm finna come into that elevator and
settle this mano-a-mano! And I'll
teach you a thing or two about Martin
Luther King!

INT. VANESSA'S HOME - DAY

SUPERIMPOSE: ONE YEAR LATER

Vanessa, Scarlett, and Ciara are eating ice cream and

watching Orange is the New Black.

CIARA
This is seriously the best show.

VANESSA
I know.

SCARLETT
I love it so much.

VANESSA
You know what I love? Both of you. And
ice cream.

CIARA
Me, too. Except, you know. The part
where ice cream makes you gain weight,
so then you go to the gym. And then
after the gym,you go home and eat more
ice cream, because it's so good, and
you love it so much.

INT. COLLIN AND LOUIS'S APARTMENT - DAY

Louis and CLARICE are sitting on the sofa and eating cereal
while they watch TV.

Collin and Sarah enter. Collin is dragging two suitcases.

COLLIN
Hey.

LOUIS
Collin! Sarah! How was the honeymoon?

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 88.

COLLIN
Great.

SARAH
It really was.

COLLIN
And I only got into one verbal
altercation with someone over the
course of the entire honeymoon. I used
to average one a day--but now I'm down
to one a week.

LOUIS
I think that's because your new lady
is, um... what's the word?

SARAH
A non-instigator.

LOUIS
Yeah. She's very non-instigaty with
you. you know what? You two make such
a great couple, that I've realized I
want that in my life. And, um, yeah.
I'm na do this.
(turns to Clarice)
Clarice. Will you marry me?

CLARICE
I'm your cousin.

LOUIS
Wait a sec. I thought you were my
girlfriend.

CLARICE
That's another Clarice. You know.
Clarice LaGuardia, your girlfriend.
I'm Clarice O'Hara, your mother's
brother's granddaughter.

LOUIS
If you're Clarice my cousin and not
Clarice my girlfriend, then how come
you've eaten three bowls of cereal
with me today?

CLARICE
Louis. I think your best option right
now involves you calling up the other

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 89.

Clarice.

LOUIS
Right.

He calls someone.

LOUIS
Hey. Um. Will you marry me? ... Oh.
How long have you been married ...
Four years, huh? Well. If you're
already married, then I guess I'm
gonna have to go ahead and marry my
cousin. Bye.

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