Smith 1

Mom, Lawnmowers, And Sex

A ten-minute play by
Alexander Smith

Setting: A fancy restaurant.

At Rise: A couple sits at dinner in a

nice restaurant. KATIE is ignoring
JOHN.

JOHN
Katie you gonna touch your food?
(He waits for her to respond)
There are starving kids in Africa that would love to have
that steak.
(She still doesn’t respond)
I get you’re upset, but I don’t know why.

KATIE
Fuck you, John. You know exactly why.

JOHN
Deborah?

KATIE
Yeah, it’s about Deborah.

JOHN
Is this really worth being mad about?

KATIE
Yeah, it is. God, I’m done with--

JOHN
--With what?

KATIE
Don’t fucking interrupt me. I’m done John. Finished. We’re
through.

JOHN
Really?

KATIE
Yes Really!
 Smith 2

JOHN
We’re not breaking up over this.

KATIE
Oh yes, we are.

JOHN
Oh no, we’re not. Katie, you’re over reacting. I basically
complemented her—

KATIE
--Complement? Let’s call Mom right now and see how she
feels complemented. No complement quite like wanting to
fuck!

JOHN
First of all, we are in public. Second, I didn’t say I
wanted to “fuck” her.

KATIE
How’d you say it then?

JOHN
Katie, you know what I said.

KATIE
Yeah, I do. Now I want you to look me in the eyes and say
it again.

JOHN
Really?
(KATIE nods)
Fine, if we weren’t together I wouldn’t mind sleeping with
your mom—

KATIE
--And there it is—

JOHN
--Kate, stop making such a big deal out of this?

KATIE
No because it’s fucking sick.

JOHN
It’s not sick—
 Smith 3

KATIE
--John! You literally said the only thing keeping you from
fucking my mother is our relationship—

JOHN
--Yeah, and our relationship is a pretty big thing—

KATIE
--Well, It won’t be a hinderance anymore.

JOHN
We are not breaking up.

KATIE
God, you’re fucking impossible.

JOHN
Katie, we’re together. Nothing will happen between me and
Deborah—

KATIE
--It’s still fucked up!

JOHN
Under no circumstances will I be sleeping with your mother.

KATIE
You literally just said if we weren’t together—

JOHN
--But we are, and I don’t plan on that changing.

KATIE
Even if we don’t break up, what if die, hmm? Tomorrow I am
hit by a bus. What then? You gonna plow Deborah after the
funeral—

JOHN
--No!

KATIE
Really?
 Smith 4

JOHN
Yes, really. Now, maybe when I’m done mourning—

KATIE
--When you’re done mourning? When you’re done mourning? So,
you’re still gonna fuck her? Unbelievable.

JOHN
Not immediately, if at all. I mean it’d at least be a
month—

KATIE
--You’ll be done mourning after a month—

JOHN
--At least—

KATIE
--That’s really unfortunate, cause after I kill you in your
sleep, I’m fucking your dad immediately.

JOHN
You couldn’t kill me. I took karate—

KATIE
(Disbelief)
--In middle school.

JOHN
(Beat)
So, are we still together?

KATIE
You don’t seem to be giving me much of a choice.

JOHN
As is my civic duty as your boyfriend.
(beat)
Why would you want to fuck Dad anyway? He’s old.

KATIE
So is my mom.

JOHN
Yeah, but you’re mom’s more like a MILF.
 Smith 5

KATIE
Thin ice.

JOHN
Noted. But no offense to Dad, he’s not exactly what I’d
consider DILF material.

KATIE
Nothing gets me going like Frank on a lawnmower.

JOHN
Oh bullshit.

KATIE
Picture with me, if you will. It’s Saturday morning. The
sun is shining, the birds are singing, and at the Schmitt
house a great lawnmower roars mightily. And upon that
trusty steed sits Frank, man of the household. Shirtless
and mighty he rides—

JOHN
--This is so much worse than anything I’ve said about
Deborah—

KATIE
--Is it?

JOHN
Yeah, it kind of is. I just said I’d sleep with her. I
didn’t give an example of her turning me on. Much less one
so graphic.

KATIE
Yeah, but I didn’t casually mention wanting to fuck him.

JOHN
Well, must say this has been eye opening for me. I’ll make
sure from now on to not mention sleeping with Deborah and
to cut the grass shirtless.

KATIE
I’d love to see that, considering it’d be the first time
this month.

JOHN
What do you mean?
 Smith 6

KATIE
You never cut the grass.

JOHN
I cut it a few weeks ago.

KATIE
Yeah, and it grew back. That’s what grass does. Just like
the dishes. They come back, so you need to wash them again.

JOHN
Well, I’m going to change that.

KATIE
Really now?

JOHN
Yeah, you watch. This week, I’m gonna cut the grass and do
the dishes.

KATIE
I’ll believe it when I see it.

JOHN
Oh, you’ll see it alright. You’ll see me out in the front
yard, riding that mower just like Dad does, shirtless and
mighty.

KATIE
You better—

JOHN
--Yeah, and then I’ll come in all sweaty and smelling like
freshly cut grass—

KATIE
--Oh yeah—

JOHN
--And then I’ll kiss you and say ‘Good morning Deborah’

KATIE
And then I’ll slap the shit out of you—

JOHN
--Promise—
 Smith 7

KATIE
--You know it.

JOHN
(Beat)
Would you really sleep with Dad if I died?

KATIE
No, of course not.

JOHN
Who then?

KATIE
Are you really asking me that?

JOHN
Did I just ask you?

KATIE
Fair enough. But unlike you I don’t premeditate this sort
of thing.

JOHN
All the more reason to tell me. Keeps it in the moment and
honest.

KATIE
And this isn’t a trick question? Like if I answer are you
going to get pissy and—

JOHN
--No, I’m just curious. I mean I told you who I’d sleep
with. Only seems fair if you ask me.

KATIE
I’m still disgusted by you.

JOHN
She’s a strong independent woman who can sleep with who she
wants—

KATIE
--Literally vomiting.

JOHN
 Smith 8

Now come on, who’d you bang?

KATIE
You have such a way with words.
(she contemplates her choice)
Promise you won’t get mad?

JOHN
I promise.

KATIE
Probably Steve—

JOHN
--And I’m gonna stop you right there—

KATIE
--You promised—

JOHN
--I know. I’m not upset, but like Steve Steve? Like my best
friend Steve?

KATIE
Yes, best friend Steve—

JOHN
--Like passes out on our couch drunk Steve?

KATIE
Like that jackass who seems to live in our house rent free
Steve.

JOHN
Wow.
(beat)
I can’t say I would’ve guessed.

KATIE
Why not, he’s cute?

JOHN
Well, I mean sure, he’s attractive. But you two fight
nearly every time he’s over. Always about something.

KATIE
 Smith 9

I could absolutely see one of those fights turning into a

good hate fuck—

JOHN
--I’m repulsed—

KATIE
--Oh, how the tables have turned.

JOHN
But you just got on to me about chores and shit. Steve
never does anything. I don’t think he’s lifted a finger
since high school.

KATIE
Oh, I know. And I hate it. But you asked who I’d bang, not
who I’d date.

JOHN
Who would you date?

KATIE
This is not a rabbit hole I want to go down.

JOHN
Why not? You got an answer you don’t like?

KATIE
No, I’ve legitimately never thought of it.

JOHN
(touched)
Never?

KATIE
No, not really.

JOHN
Well, that’s good to know. I’m sorry I said I’d sleep with
your mom.

KATIE
It’s fine, I guess I’ll just have to start watching more
hallmark movies to turn you on.

JOHN
Please don’t do that.
 Smith 10

KATIE
Yeah, no. I couldn’t.

JOHN
Well, I’ll make sure to mow shirtless—

KATIE
--And do the dishes—

JOHN
--And do the dishes.
(beat)
Kate…

KATIE
Yes, John?

JOHN
I love you.

KATIE
I love you too, John. Especially since you’re paying for
dinner.

JOHN
What?

KATIE
Yeah, I left my purse at home.

JOHN
Babe, I didn’t bring any money…

KATIE
(beat)
Wanna make a break for it?

JOHN
Yeah, let’s go.

(JOHN and KATIE sprint away)

BLACKOUT