Family Systems and their role in Life Script

formation
Alexandra Piotrowska MSc , CTA, , PTSTA (P)
Workshop at IDTA event in Putteridge Bury October 2010

♦ Before Break: , Gain Understanding of Systems, Systems Structure,

Functional Balance, Explore and Learn Family Personalities, Family
Definitions make links with TA

♦ After Break: How these systems are re- created in workplace – any small
group , class at school , managerial board, team at work. What are the
signals for diagnosis Damage, displacement, blockage or imbalance

Why Understanding Family Dynamics can help us to understand

other Systems and group Dynamics?

“People learn group dynamics when they are very ,very young”
Berne 1961

♦ We look at individuals in the context of their connections and

disconnections .

♦ Transactions patterns of the family shape the behaviour of family

members, - this is Life Script created on basis of modelling and repeated
unconsciously throughout the lifespan

♦ Family Lessons Stick

You didn’t even realize you were learning “all that stuff” (roles / rules), You had nothing
else to compare with so the “family way” was the “right way”, Like the language you
talked, it seemed (and probably still does) “natural”
♦ Family is a Constellation which consists of parents, children, extended
family members bonded together ,by invisible forces

♦ Wholeness Principle : Virginia Satir‘ s mobile model of a Systems

Families are Systems of interconnected and interdependent individuals.
Change in one part influences changes in the other parts of the system
Example: the birth of a child does not just increase the size of the family,
but changes the whole family system, creating a new ,entity as
relationships and interactive patterns change. Conjoint Family Therapy,
1983

♦ Circular Causality and Equifinality – Members of system mutually influence

one another – One does not need to go to origins in order to solve
problems; start anywhere to solve problem

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 Family definitions Merriam Webster Dictionary
♦ Biological focused on Nature: a group of persons of common ancestry
: clan My– Ancestry - Bonds of blood , biological / genetical/ heritage

♦ Sociological focused on Nurture a group of individuals living under one

roof and usually under one head : household ,Sharing physical and
emotional space Takes into account diversity of modern life.

♦ Characteristic of systems All Systems Have . . .

1 PURPOSE

Primary purpose of Family is Survival and Care and primary purpose of any
group is survival

2 STRUCTURE -WHAT

♦ Boundaries

♦ Hierarchy and Patterns in Relationships

Structure breeds Stability - Stability breeds Security

♦ 3 RULES about HOW to keep balance Explicit • Implicit

These rules are communicated through not only what they SAY, but also
what they DO.

Spoken messages (what you’re told) _ May often conflict with -Unspoken rules –
(learned by experience) _ Never told (often not acknowledged) you “just know
“Key = denial & secrets

STRUCTURAL ANALYSIS OF A SYSTEM

♦ Boundaries

The " invisible lines of separation" that indicate who is in and who
is out of a system.
In all families, there are invisible barriers that surround and to an extent
insulate all individuals and subsystems.

• Boundaries can be set in terms of communication and physical

space

• Boundaries also represent the point of contact between the

system and other systems.

• Boundaries vary in degree of permeability, Ability to enter and

exit the system, Degree to which the system is Open/Closed

1. Clear: firm yet flexible - - - - - -

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 2. Rigid: disengagement within and between systems _________

3. Diffuse: enmeshed relationships . . . . . . .

Structural Analysis of Family System

1. Spousal/Partner subsystem

2. Parental subsystem

3. Internal boundary = Division of responsibility and care

4. Siblings Subsystem

♦ Subsystems

Smaller units in the larger system which share the characteristics of the
larger system . Subsystems are defined by interpersonal boundaries and
unspoken rules for interactions

♦ Hierarchies – power

All families have some sort of hierarchical structure to which parents have
greater authority than children.

Hard and Soft Hierarchy

The hard side of hierarchy refers to the contribution to the organization of

a family made by such activities as protection from others, setting the
rules, and enforcement of consequences.

The soft side refers to the contribution to the organization of a family

made by such activities as soothing, expression of empathy and affection,
initiating good times, and providing good things

One Up/ One Down - Superior/ Inferior

– “Captain first mate”

Captain makes decisions and first mate carries them out

Egalitarian

– Both partners maintain or attempt to maintain an equal relationship

Difficult to maintain, if focus is on total equality, in every way

Alliances Alignments--how family members join together or oppose one

another. Some alignments are dysfunctional.

Dyads, Dyads: Pathological Complementarity = Symbiosis ,

Symmetrical Escalation =Competitive Symbiosis

Triangulation, Triangles, Normal tendency – we all “do it” when there is anxiety
Can be stabilizing or de-stabilizing –_ Depending……
To whom to you turn when there is anxiety in an intimate relationship?”
Examples affair, Hobby, Hospital, Church ,

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“Cut offs” When emotional level is too intense, some people just break-away
from the family – “cut off “all relationships. Need to make or keep cut-off
indicates ongoing strong emotions & issues
Things are not solved, just hidden Problem: often those issues get played out in
current relationships

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 FUNCTIONAL ANALYSIS
♦ Balancing closeness and distance (process) Balancing between
independence and relatedness. Efforts to balance autonomy versus.
Inclusion, connection and partition

♦ Adaptability Flexibility versus rigidity

♦ Homeostasis Balance of giving and taking’

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 1.Bonding family

The members like to have contact with other family members, and it
feels good when they do. The family takes pleasure in one another.
They have fun together, but they also have rules, and if someone
doesn't abide by the rules, he or she will hear about it.
In a bonding family, you have people who are helpfully cooperating and
relating with one another, while at the same time maintaining a
sense of self.
Characteristics of Well-adjusted Families (Fogarty, 1976a): research

They are balanced and can adapt to change.

Emotional problems are seen as existing in the whole group.
Minimum use of fusion or distance to solve problems.
Each dyad is capable of dealing with conflict within it.
Differences are tolerated.
There is an awareness of what each person receives from others.
Creates opportunities for awareness, spontaneity , intimacy

2 Ruling family.

In a ruling family, members tend to value independence over relatedness.

These families are overly structured and task orientated.
They base family members' acceptability, on whether they perform or not.
If you do well on a test, do your chores properly, and do what you're told,
no questions asked, then you're OK.
This family has a military flavor. The parents may be perfectionists, or
just demanding.
In a ruling family, it's very clear who's in charge and what's expected.
There's not much allowance for people to talk back or reciprocate.
An adult child of a ruling family will reflect on his background and say, “I
knew what was expected of me, but I didn't always feel accepted or
cared for”.

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 Extreme proclivity
Here each member stands
alone, independent.
In such families,
relatedness is usually
harsh or nonexistent. To
children from these units,
the idea of family is a
joke.

Disintegration due to : drugs, alcoholism, mental illness , personality

disorders, absence of one or both parents.
There is often a vertical division as well as horizontal.
Usually a child of a chaotic family is without conscience, fending for himself,
noncaring, insensitive, nontrusting. Some become `Rambo' types. Others are
highly reclusive and detached from the world.

♦ 4.Protecting family

this kind of family the focus is on togetherness

Its members can feel hurt or offended if one person wants to charge
off on her own.
People in protecting families tend lean toward relatedness and
dependence.
There's a lot of nurturing in protecting families, but it may be hard for the
children to become individuals.
Often there is a lack of discipline or lowering expectations
Adult children from protecting families may at times feel inadequate or
unsure of themselves and have a tendency to rely on others for
reassurance or approval

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 extreme group cohesion

♦ 5. Symbiotic family

The symbiotic family manifests an extreme of relatedness and a lack of

independence in its members.
Group-think dominates; individual thought is suppressed. "They think
black; you think black.
It's as if the psychological skin around the individual has been almost
completely peeled away.“
Family members are psychological clones of one another. They hardly
even realize it would be possible to think for herself /himself.
In such a family, a parent has become parasitic. Mother or father lives
out his or her life through the child and holds the child accountable for
the parent's welfare and happiness.
The child is literally trapped and finds it difficult to exit the family
psychologically, even when leaving is appropriate

Symbiotic Family Emotional Processes

Undifferentiated people experience difficulty managing anxiety and stress.

Lack of Differentiation X Anxiety = Fusion Between Spouses.
Symbiotic fusion is unstable. It tends to produce:

covert conflict;
reactive emotional distance;
physical or emotional symptoms (usually the more accommodating
partner);
projection of problems on to children.

Links with TA

In your group discuss the following aspects of a specific family personality:

Prevalent Injunctions ,Escape Hatch , Favourite Games, Communication Mode,
Life Script Outcome, STROKING pattern

From health into dysfunction

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 too much Independence ---------------------------------------------------too much
Relatedness

Family Personalities - Links with TA

FAMIL CHAOTIC RULING BONDING CARING SYMBIOTIC

Y

Parenting Abusive Authoritaria Democrati Liberal Manipulative

Style n c

Alienated More
Relationshi Self - Balanced Engulfment
Individuals Relationsh
p Centred ip than enmeshment
Self

Individualit
I am right I am right Different I am not WE think
y You are opinions sure what as a group
wrong You think

CP - AC CP - AC
CP - AC NP- AC
Preferred AC-AC P –P, P-C AC- AC
Communica rebellious A-A, C- P pleasing
tion mode C-C , A-C

Role Model Victim? Victim? Intimacy Rescuer Rescuer

Prosecutor Prosecutor? Awareness Victim Victim
?
Games 3 degree 1 or 1 or 3 degree
fights, 2degree 2degree somatisation
abuse
Script Looser Non Winner winner Non Looser
Winner

Practical Implications - Systemic Intervention for Family, Group

or Organisation

Presenting problems are accepted as a symptom of system dysfunction

Diagnosis :There is DAMAGE.

On the issues of Structure, Rule, or Purpose
Help them truly become a NEW SYSTEM
If there is a Structural Damage Help them to “Re-structure”

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 Look at Boundaries (or they lack)
Clarify boundary issues (disengagement and enmeshment)
Challenge Group norms
Help them with New Rules
Increase Awareness and Introduce New Choices
Help them with a New Purpose
Reframing the context or effectiveness of their output, Using Paradoxical
Interventions

♦ Diagnosis : There is DISPLACEMENT.

Scapegoat and Identified Patient issues

Help them to see the True Problem
The “symptom” is held by the group to keep their group together
Issue a “block,” a “strategic question,” or a “reframe”
♦ Help them to see the patterns

Address inequality in relationships.

Dyads: Pathological Complementarity = Symbiosis ,
Symmetrical Escalation =Competitive Symbiosis
Triads: Triangulation Define symptomatic triangle
Seek to balance the relationships

Diagnosis : The Group is BLOCKED.

When blockages are revealed, enabling the group to move forward
towards a resolution of their issue.
Teach them what they need.
Behavioral interventions
skills (discipline and nurturing)
Contact maintenance practices across boundaries
Connecting with any other institutions and services
Communication skills : What new ways of communication they need to
open/ learn.
What Contracting for change
What Permission do they need ?
What Redecision is the crucial element of change?

Diagnosis : The BALANCE is Shifted dangerously to one side .

LISTEN Focus on Communication, Key = LISTEN FOR PROCESS ,BUT

NOT CONTENT,
_ “WHO” & “HOW” (Not “why”) _ Hard to “see” but powerful when you can
Make a note as to who has the POWER.
Address the equality of give and take, stroking balance

Final Thoughts and Conclusions

♦ Identify at least one thing from family theories that surprised you

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♦ Identify at least one thing that confirmed something you already knew
about how groups / families operate.

♦ Identify one concept that you believe you can apply to your own practice

Bibliography

♦ Berne Eric 1963 Random House Publishing Group, ISBN 0345320255 (0-
345-32025-5)

♦ Boszormenyi – Nagy Ivan and Spark (1973) “Invisible loyalties”

Contextual therapy intergenerational, relational ethics : Harper & Row,
New York
ISBN: 0061405213

♦ Bowen Murray ( 1978) Family therapy in clinical practice, : Jason Aronson

Inc

♦ Fine, M. A. (1993). “Current Approaches to Understanding Family

Diversity: An Overview of the Special Issue.” Family Relations 42(3):235–
237.

♦ Field D, (1988) Family Personalities (A Book About How Your Family

Works and How You Work in Your Family)- Publisher: Harvest House Pub
ISBN: 9780890816271

♦ Hellinger Bert “Love’s Hidden Symmetry” Orders of Love

Alexandra Piotrowska is a PTSTA with Psychotherapy Speciality. She

has trained in TA at Metanoia Institute as well as in Family Systems
Approach at CISSIS Institute. She works in London in a private practice
with individuals, couples and runs workshops and trainings .

She can be contacted at psychologuk@gmail.com

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