Nemuritoarele replici ale soldatului german

1 Achtung
2 Schnell
3 Alarm
4 Sieg Hail
5 Sabotage
6 Nicht Schiessen
7 Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh
God is dead.
(Nietzsche)

Nietzsche is dead.
(God)

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds
of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's":
fighting;
fleeing;
feeding and
mating.
(Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course)

So, if there's no God, who changes the water?

(A goldfish in a bowl)

Always look on the bright side of life, ta dum, ta dum.

(Monthy Python, The Life of Brian)

The good thing about Alzheimer is that you meet new people everyday.

Inscription on a tombstone:
"I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"

But, you know what life really is? You're born, you suck your mother's tits. You get a
little older, you suck your girlfriend's tits. You get married, you suck your wife's tits.
That's what life is. Life sucks.
(John Ryman)

All extremists should be taken out and shot.

Reality is an illusion caused by lack of alcohol.

My parents put us to sleep by tossing us up in the air. Of course, you have to have low
ceilings for this method to work.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!" ...until you can find a rock.

The more things change, the more they suck.

(Butt-Head)

Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.

I have a drinking problem, I can't afford it.

There Is No Gravity. The Earth Sucks.

(Brett Easton Ellis, "The Rules of Attraction")

Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death
very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.
(P.J. O'Rourke)

The worst part of winning a rat race is not that you win, but the fact that you're still a rat.

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people
themselves.

I still miss my ex, but my aim is improving

(Slayer)

If you can read this, the bitch fell off.

(Back of a motorcycle jacket)

If at first you don't succeed,

fuck the world and smoke some weed.

We really don't have enemies, it's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us

Crazy? Once I was crazy. They locked me in a room to die. Die? I don't want to die. All
the mice will get me. Mice? I hate mice. They drive me crazy. Crazy? Once I was crazy.
They locked....

Nobody's perfect... well, there was this guy, but we killed him.

I said "NO" to drugs!

(but they just wouldn't listen)
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Hey, I don't like cocaine... I just like the way it smells.

(Rodney Dangerfield)

I was born -- wait, it gets worse.

"If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those
small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are
thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them."
(Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey)

out of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most
(ozzy osbourne)

"I have the heart of a child - I keep it in a jar"

I'm not schizophrenic, at least that is what the voices tell me.

I went to the doctor the other day and he said I was a paranoid schizophrenic... Well, he
didn't actually say it, but we know what he was thinking.
(Lily Savage)

When you find out the ultimate answer - be sure to act surprised.

You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you.

When we remember that we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands
explained.
(Mark Twain)

Beam me up, Jesus!

I used to drink alot. Now I sip.

I've never understood people who considered youth a time of freedom and joy. It's
probably because they have forgotten their own.
(Margeret Atwood)

Everything I ever needed to know I learned by killing smart people and eating their
brains.

Everybody has the right to be stupid, but some people abuse this right.
(Stalin)

If you can't be a good example, be a terrible warning.

There is a fine line between sanity and insanity: Come walk it with me.

So many pedestrians... so little time

(Bumper sticker)

I love cats...they taste like chicken!

(Jeremy Chandler)

It is ridiculous claiming that video games and internet influence children. For instance, if
Pac-Man affected kids born in the eighties, we should by now have a bunch of teenagers
who run around in darkened rooms and eat pills while listening to monotonous electronic
music.

Hey, wasn't the Bible written by the same people who said the world was flat?

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. The best you can do is stalk them
and hope they panic and give in.

There are two things I cannot stand: racism and asians.

(Dave Johnson)

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, thats as good
as they're going to feel all day. (Frank Sinatra)

I knew I was unwanted when my bath toys were a radio and toaster.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

(Jack Nicholson)

It takes many ingredients to make Burger King great but... THE SECRET INGREDIENT
IS OUR PEOPLE.
(Newspaper Ad for Burger King)

I don't discriminate, I hate everyone equally.

(Bling Bling)

Oh I love children... but I couldn't eat a whole one.

Why go to high school when you can go to school high?

Dance like it hurts, love like you need money, work when people are watching you.
(Scott Adams)

Avoid hangovers: stay drunk.

"You don't buy the drink here, you only rent it"
(Toilet graffiti)

We came, we saw, we drank beer.

(Joe Baze)

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes, that way when you do criticize
them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes!

If you are drinking to forget, pay in advance.

(A Pub Wall.)

Mom + Dad + beer - condom = me.

When there's a will, I want to be in it.

I have the body of a god! Too bad it's Buddha!

If sex is a pain in the ass... you are doing it wrong!

Jesus Saves! By using double coupons and shopping wisely.

That which does not kill you only makes you wish it had.

Q: What's long, hard and full of seamen?

A: A submarine

I'd rather let 5000 guilty men go free, then chase after them.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Last words

Cancel my subscription because I don't need your issues.

Sometimes I dream that a big, giant squirrel is carrying me away. Does that make me a
nut?

The only reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Man, now I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. But then again, I just ate a live squirrel.

Q: How do you keep an asshole in suspense?

A: I won't tell you.

If you think life is bad now, how would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once.
You get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard, only 2 minutes to get soft. You share
your box with 11 other guys, but worst of all, the only chick that ever sat on your face
was your mom! So cheer up, your life isn't that bad!

Conserve water, drink beer.

Be true to your teeth or they'll be false to you

Dental office

Any organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.
Some monkeys are climbing up, some down. The monkeys on top look down and see a
tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but
assholes.

Sign on repair shop door: We can repair anything.

(Please knock hard as bell is not working).

I used to work at a juvenile detention center. And you know what my favorite part was?
Watching the kids get taken away in handcuffs, crying.
History teacher's first words to his class

How's life treating you, Norm?

Like it caught me sleeping with its wife.
Norm Peterson, "Cheers"

New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.
David Letterman

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill
them.
William Clayton

A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked out 1400 homes and,
of course, one raccoon.
Steel City News

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Earl Wilson

How do you play religious roulette? You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see
who gets struck by lightning first.

Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to your execution
is not generally understood by less advanced life forms, and they'll call you crazy.
Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training
can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the
world.
Dave Barry

Nuke their Ass and Take their Gas

Bumper Sticker

100.000.000 sperm and YOU were the fastest???

Bumper Sticker

"We cannot tolerate the proliferation of this paperwork any longer. It is useless to fight
the forms. We must kill the people producing them."
Attributed to Vladimir Kabaidze, Director of the Ivanovo Machine Works near
Moscow, in a speech before the annual Communist Party Congress, 1936

I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me.
Monica Lewinsky (on CNN's Larry King Live discussing her weight-loss)

If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Groucho Marx

I must be a mushroom because I'm always kept in the dark and fed bullshit.
Northwest territory magazine

No matter how badly idiots outnumber you... they are still the idiots!
Daria

I think therefore I am severly concerned.

I plan to live forever... So far so good.

I am not fat... I prefer to think of myself as subcutaneously gifted.

The difference between involved and committed can best be explained using a bacon and
egg breakfast as an example: The chicken is involved but the pig is committed.

One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.

There are three types of economist. Those who can count, and those who can't
Eddie George - Governor of the Bank of England

Who discovered that you could get milk from cows, and what the HELL did he think he
was doing at the time?
War does not determine who is right... but who is left.

"Dad! We've done something awful!"

"Did you wreck the car?"
"No"
"Did you raise the dead?"
"Yes"
"But the car is okay?"
"Yes"
"Well run along then"
The Simpsons

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Times spent wasted are not wasted times.

Have you ever been in therapy? No? You should try it. It's like a really easy game show
where the correct answer to every question is: "Because of my mother."

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for
white men dressed like black pimps.

You know you are getting too old, when the candles cost more than the cake.

When people say "I'm gonna kick your ass!", they never kick your ass, they punch you in
the face.

Eat healthy, exercise more, still die.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you're up too...

Do not walk behind me for you are not my slave, and do not walk next to me, even
though you are my equal.. but walk five steps in front of me cause baby you got a nice
ass!

You can stump any stoner with one question: What were we just talking about?

I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun!

Homer Simpson

Now I know I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me,
Superman!
Homer Simpson

That money talks I don't deny... I just heard mine yell: Goodbye!!
Kids in back seats cause accidents, accidents in back seats cause kids.

These are my principles. If you don't like them.. I have others!

There is nothing wrong with you that the trifling matter of a brain transplant can't cure.

Dyslexics of the world, untie!

Excuse me, but I think my karma just ran over your dogma

Besides a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and
listen to our choir practice.

If you pulled the wings off of a fly, would it still be called a fly, or would it be called a
walk?

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

In heaven there is no beer, that's why we drink it here!

"Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To
prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer each, and observed that
100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making any sense, became
emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned."

You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
The Heineken Uncertainty Principle

It goes a little something like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest
buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. The
slowest buffalo are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd
to move at a faster pace. Like the buffalo the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are
killed off by beer drinking, making the brain operate faster. The moral of the story, drink
more beer, it will make you smarter..

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, teach a man to fish and he will spend all day
in a boat drinking beer.

I'm only here to do two things, drink some beer and kick some ass. Looks like we're
almost out of beer.
When I die bury me deep with a sixpack of beer between my feet, a 5th of liquor and a
bottle of rum.
I'll raise hell to kingdom come.

Surrender your beer, or we'll take it by force.

Hard Drive: The part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer on it.

There are 24 cans of beer in a beer case, and 24 hours in a day. We don't believe this to
be a coincidence.

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Benjamin Franklin

Beer - helping white people dance since 1837

If you bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49. If
you bought $1000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all
the beer, and traded in the cans for the nickel deposit, you would have $79. My advice to
you is to start drinking heavily.

Don't drink and drive. You might spill your beer.

Remember beer has food value, food has absolutely no beer value.

I am not an alcoholic. I am a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix... Don't drink and derive.

No matter how liberated this world becomes, man will always be judged by the amount
of alcohol he can consume and women, whether they like to admit it or not, will be
impressed.

"What's new ?"

"Terrorists,. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer."

"What'd you like ?"

"A reason to live. Give me another beer."

"Hey, how's the world been treating you?"

"Like a baby treats a diaper."

"Hey , there's a cold one waiting for you."

"I know; if she calls, I'm not here."
"What's going on?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

"Whatcha up to?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

"Pour you a beer?"

"Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."

"What's the story?"

"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

"What's going on?"

"The question is what's going IN, Mr. Peterson?
"A beer please, Woody."

"Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love ."

"A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'."

"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an
insurance salesman?"

"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."

"I failed to make the chess team because of my height."

"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic."

"Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good
questions."

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not
dying."

"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this
watch."

"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone
hasn't met me yet."
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when
she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going
faster than you is a maniac."

"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be
identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you
are, how do they know who your dentist is?"

"There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another
woman. I wouldn't stand for that."

"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own."

"The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney..."

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and
finally, you forget to pull it down."

"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with."

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens
if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"

"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper
off."

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says
to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' "

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make
up 75 percent of the population."

"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our
grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs
spend their lives."
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I
think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest
problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."

"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."

"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."

"I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet
me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet."

"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't
seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a
zipper."

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."

"I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my
thumb."

"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could,
so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."

"You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest."

"I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass,
okay?"

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth
shut."

"You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label."

"Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time."

"If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs."

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant
you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well
with pizza."

"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for
example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."

"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always
worked for me."

"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?"

"Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money."

"I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal labotomy."

"I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry."

"He once had his toes amputated so he could stand closer to the bar."

"I never smoked a cigarette until I was nine."

"I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something."

"I don't like people who take drugs... Customs men for example."

"I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it."

"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs."

"Prohibition is better than no liquor at all."

"Real ale fans are just like train-spotters, only drunk."

"I am a drinker with writing problems."

"I've stopped drinking, but only while I'm asleep."

"I'm not really a heavy smoker any more. I only get through two lighters a day now."

"I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping."

"If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon."

"The difference between a drunk and a alcoholic is that a drunk doesn't have to attend all
those meetings."
"The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a beer bottle, they're on TV."

"A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a
corporation."
Howard Scott.

"I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons."

Douglas Adams.

"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."
Charles Lamb.

"In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder and
bloodshed but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In
Switzerland, they had brotherly love; they had five hundred years of democracy and
peace and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock."
Orson Welles.

"Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the
planet."
Mark Twain.

"The definition of a consultant: Someone who borrows, your watch, tells you the time
and then charges you for the privilege."
letter in the Times newspaper.

"In the business world an executive knows something about everything, a technician
knows everything about something and the switchboard operator knows everything."
Harold Coffin.

"The first rule of business is: Do other men for they would do you."
Charles Dickens.

"Few great men would have got past personnel."

Paul Goodman.

"When I asked my accountant if anything could get me out of this mess I am in now he
thought for a long time and said, 'Yes, death would help'."
Robert Morley.

"I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit."

Mel Brooks.
"When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the
ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of
God answered, "There's just something about you that pisses me off."
Stephen King.

"How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an
electric typewriter?"
Woody Allen.

"If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?"

Art Hoppe.

"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul
of the boy next to me."
Woody Allen.

"A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long
enough to cover the essentials."
Ronald Knox.

"Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends."
Woody Allen.

"In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two
consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One."
Yakov Smirnoff.

"I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom."
Bob Hope.

"If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences."
William Sunday.

"I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album."
Rita Rudner.

"Thank God I'm an atheist."

Luis Bunuel.

"The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with
a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever
tasted."
Brendan Behan.
"In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still
nothing but everybody could see it."
Dave Thomas.

"Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more
comfortable."
HG Wells.

"If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?"
George Deacon.

"I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear."
Woody Allen.

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the
Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
Emo Philips.

"When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the
audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the
Protestants in whom you don't believe?"
Quentin Crisp.

"I would have made a good Pope."

Richard Nixon

"If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do
on advertising then they wouldn't have to advertise them."
Will Rogers.

"If you think your boss is stupid remember; you wouldn't have a job if he was smarter."
Albert Grant.

"A lot of people become pessimists from financing optimists."

CT Jones.

"We didn't actually overspend our budget. The allocation simply fell short of our
expenditure."
Keith Davis.

"Any organisation is like a septic tank. The really big chunks rise to the top."
John Imhoff.

"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn't sleep during office hours."

Arthur Baer.
"I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth--even if it
costs him his job."
Samuel Goldwyn.

"Today's payslip has more deductions than a Sherlock Holmes novel."

Raymond Cvikota.

"To make a long story short, there's nothing like having a boss walk in."
Doris Lilly.

"Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent."
RD Laing.

"Only Lawyers and mental defectives are automatically exempt for jury duty."
George Bernard Shaw.

"My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often."
Emo Philips.

"When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson
to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities."
Matt Groening.

"Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to
them."
Steve Martin.

"It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who."
Joan Rivers.

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."

Yogi Berra.

"Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to
do with it."
W. Somerset Maugham.

"Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead."
James Thurber.

"Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die."

Joe Louis.

"He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt."

Joseph Heller.
"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of
meeting me is another matter."
Winston Churchill.

"Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference
between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make
fun of you."
Woody Allen.

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can
buy."
Steve Martin.

"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on."
Joan Rivers.

"I think people should be free to engage in any sexual practices they choose; they should
draw the line at goats though."
Elton John.

"My girlfiend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a
girl of nine'."
Emo Philips.

"I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women."
Bernard Manning.

"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."

Woody Allen.

"It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on."
Marylyn Monroe.

"A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic."

Joseph Stalin.

"Make crime pay. Become a Lawyer."

Will Rogers

"Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it."

Woody Allen.

"Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-
In-The-Box."
Wil Shriner.
"The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for
someone who's dead."
Albert Einstein.

"I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of
me."
R. Geis.

"It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune."
Woody Allen.

"For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died."

Cervantes.

"Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it
does come, we no longer exist."
Epicurus.

"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
Sacha Guitry.

"There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another
woman. I wouldn't stand for that."
Steve Martin.

"First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me."
Steve Martin.

"Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down."

Dick Sharples.

"I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge."
Spike Milligan.

"Mom & Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen, she was
sixteen and I was three."
Billie Holiday.

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two
times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I
go Fridays."
Henry Youngman.

"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker."
Woody Allen.
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray.

"The appropriate age for marriage is around eighteen for girls and thirty-seven for men."
Aristotle.

"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers."

Pablo Picasso.

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and
better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots.
So far, the Universe is winning."
Rich Cook.

"Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer."

Rita May Brown.

"All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number
of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men."
Isaac Asimov.

"To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer."
Paul Ehrlich.

"Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers."

Leonard Brandwein.

"UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand
the simplicity."
Dennis Ritchie.

"The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no
law against whacking them around a bit."
Eric Porterfield. "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."
Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872 .

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a
message sent to nobody in particular?"
David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urging for investment in the radio in the
1920s.

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the
brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but
can't remember what they are."
Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show .
"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
George Gobol.

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make
up 75 percent of the population."
David Letterman.

"In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies."
Stephen Leacock.

"Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste."
Wes Smith.

"Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female."

Desmond Morris.

"When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction."

Steven Wright.

"Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that
don't work, those that break down and those that get lost."
Russell Baker.

"Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it
may not become generally known."
FA Montagu.

"There are lies, damned lies and statistics."

Mark Twain.

"I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the
state prison."
WC Fields.

"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll
become a philosopher."
Socrates.

"An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex."
Edgar Wallace.

"You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one."
Albert Einstein.

"Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me."
GW Hegel.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
Charles Duell.

"Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the
public were beginning to understand the old ones."
Mike Barfield.

"The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."

Albert Einstein.

At one time or another I have insulted everybody, and I am proud of that. Folks, let
me sum it up for you: I think religion is bad, and drugs are good. I think America causes
cancer, longevity is less important than fun and young people should be discouraged from
voting. I think stereotypes are true, abstinence is a pervsion, Bush’s lies are worse than
Clinton’s and there is nothing sexy about being old or pregnant. I think 9-11 changed
nothing, and if I had known the onset of war would add a hundred points on to Bush’s IQ,
I would have started one. I think pornography stops rape, I think AIDS ribbons are stupid,
and flag burning makes me feel patriotic. I think death is not the worst thing that can
happen. I think people have too much self-esteem, and being drunk is funny. I think
children are not innocent, God doesn’t write books, and Jesus wasn’t a republican. I am
for mad cow disease, and against suing tobacco companies. I think girls hate each other,
no doesn’t always mean no, you have to lie to stay married, women’s sports are boring,
and the Olympics are gay.
Bill Maher

Me fail english? That's unpossible!

Ralph Wiggums, The Simpsons

Confucius says girl who sits on judge's lap gets honorable discharge.

In the game of chess, you can never let your adversary see your pieces.

Oral sex makes one's day, but anal sex makes one's hole weak.

If pro is the opposite of con, then progress must be the opposite of congress

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’97...

Wear Sunscreen
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term
benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no
basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the
power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll
look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much
possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You’re not as fat as you
imagine.
Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to
solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to
be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on
some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you
Sing
Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless
with yours.
Floss
Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind.
The race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this,
tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most
interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some
of the most interesting 40 year olds know still don’t.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.
Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t,
maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding
anniversary. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself
either: your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.
Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it, or what other people
think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.
Dance.
Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Read the directions, even
if you don’t follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to
stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few, you should hold on. Work
hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you
need the people you knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern
California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths: prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will
get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young, prices were
reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a
wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.
Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a
form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it
off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen...
Baz Luhrmann, Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)

Confucius say: "Schoolboy who plays with schoolgirl during wrong period get caught
red-handed."

Confucius say: "It is good for boy to meet girl in park, but better for boy to park meat in
girl."

Confucius say: "Man who goes to bed with sex on mind wakes up with solution in hand."

Confucius say, "Secretary not permanent fixture until screwed on top of desk."

Confucius say "Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk."

Confucius say, "Passionate kiss like spiders web - soon lead to undoing of fly."

Confucius say, "Virginity like bubble; One prick - all gone!"

Confucius say, "Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."

Confucius say, "Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."

Confucius say, "Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails"

Confucius say, "Man who make love on ground, have piece on Earth."

Confucius say, "Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night."

Confucius say, "Man who stand on toilet is high on pot."

Confucius say, "Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement."

Confucius say, "He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs."

Confucius say, "Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!"

Confucius say, "Man who take woman on camping trip have naughty intent!"

Confucius say, "Man who go through airport door sideways, going to bang-cock."
Confucius say, "Man who run in front of car, get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted."

Confucius say, "Man who farts in church sits in own pew."

Confucius say, "Woman who spring on innerspring this spring have offspring next
spring!"

Confucius say, "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like bananas."

Confucius say: "Kids are like Legos, lot of fun to make, but sooner or later, only end up
messing up house."

Confucius say, "Man who put wick into wrong candle ... get burned."

Confucius say, "Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night."

Confucius say, "Woman who cook carrots and peas in same pot, very unsanitary."

Confucius say, "Man bobbing up and down in corn field is not planting grain."

Confucius say, "Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out."

Confucius say: Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Confucius say: Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

"I'm not staring at your breasts, I was reading your T-shirt!"

T-shirt

They say verbal insults hurt more then physical pain. They are of course wrong, as you
will soon find out when I put this toasting fork in your head.
Blackadder

Be kind to your children. They choose your nursing home.

Bumper Sticker

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do

not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity
through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your
name and number and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought- recording device. After
the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach
you, and I'll think about returning your call.
Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead.
Wait for the beep.

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because
we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like
doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing
our teeth, we'll get back to you.

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave
your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.

Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're

not here. So leave a message.

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you
didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a
female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it.

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle too.

This is as bad as it can get... but don't bet on it.

There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Sometimes too much drink is not enough.

The facts, although interesting, are generally irrelevant.

The world gets a little better every day, and worse in the evening.

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

The other line always moves faster... until you get in it.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything good.

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

To live forever, acquire a chronic disease and take care of it.

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Ask me about micro waving cats for fun and profit!

Men are like fish. Neither would get into trouble if they only kept their mouths shut.

Stressed is just desserts spelled backwards!

This car protected by anti-theft sticker.

Our aim is to keep this restroom clean. Your aim would help.
Seen in a gas station bathroom

Why did the snowman pull down his pants?

Because he saw a snowblower coming!!
The suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.
Oscar Wilde - last words

Life is a sexually transmitted disease, and it's 100% fatal.

"Don't close your eyes for the crash; you'll miss the best part"
Bruce MacInnes, Skip Barber
Driving School instructor

A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.

I love living single, drinking double, and sleeping triple.

Hunter McGirt

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change
the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they
pissed me off.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make
it again.

There is nothing friendlier than a wet dog.

Solution to two of the worlds major problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry...

Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them
use to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired."

"We pray for MacArthur's erection."

Sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when MacArthur was considering a run
for President

Life is pain. Anybody that tells you differently is selling something.

If a turtle loses his shell is he naked or homeless ?

Love is a perky little elf dancing a merry little jig and then, suddenly, he turns on you
with a miniature machine gun.

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles - watching the birds change color and fall from
the trees.
David Letterman
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Life's hard, wear a helmet !

The secret to life is that there is no secret at all and you don't get your money back.

Boy Scout: Kid dressed like an idiot led by an idiot who's dressed like a kid.

To the question "What do you tell people about yourself when you want to impress
them?" "Hey I suck really good cock!"
Mike Patton (of Faith No More)

"Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups."

Save a tree... Eat a beaver!

My parents saw the president they loved get shot in the head. I saw my president get
head.

I was shit scared of cyberspace, so I downloaded in my pants.

"It is better to be pissed off than pissed on."

Females do pursue me, if you count mosquitos.

Friends help friends move... REAL friends help friends move bodies.

LISA: Dad, why are you dedicating you life to blasphemy?

HOMER: Don't worry, sweetheart. If I'm wrong, I'll recant on my deathbed.
The Simpsons

Good health is merely the slowest way to die.

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear encounters, the Montana

Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, backpackers, hunters, and fishermen to
take extra precautions and keep alert for bears.
We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing so that the bears are
not startled unexpectedly by a human's presence. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry
pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should
recognize the difference between black bear poop and grizzly bear poop. Black bear poop
is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear poop smells like
pepper and has little bells in it.
Montana Grizzly Bear Notice
A man being admitted into a mental institution: "They called me mad. I called them mad.
And damn them they outvoted me."

Once I wept for I had no shoes. Then I met a man with no feet, so I took his shoes. I
mean, it wasn't as if he was going to need them.

I was walking down the street when this man hammering on his roof called me a paranoid
little freak... In morse code.

Here's a toast -- To those who challenge us to mind games, but forget to bring their
equipment!

Mickey Mouse is a rat.

For refund, insert baby here.

Graffiti on condom machine

Wife and dog missing. Reward for the dog.

Bumper Sticker

Can't sleep clowns will eat me... Can't sleep clowns will eat me... Can't sleep clowns will
eat me... Can't sleep clowns will eat me... Can't sleep clowns will eat me...
Bart Simpson

Much can be accomplished with a smile. More can be accomplished with a smile and a
gun.
Al Capone

As you're reading what I've put,

You are pissing on your foot
Graffiti above a urinal

They say that every hour you spend exercising is another hour added on to your life. But
what good is all that time if you spend it on exercise?

Sorry I've missed church, I've been busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian.
Bumper Sticker

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog... and I don't even have a dog.

"I see!" says the blind man, as he pisses in the fan, "It all comes back to me now..."

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his
chain and gag himself.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage
situation?

For Sale: One Parachute.

Used Once.
Never Opened.
Slightly Stained.

I am Dislexic of Borg. Resistance is Futile. Prepare to have your ass laminated.

If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.

I'm always getting screwed by the system. That's my lot in life. I'm the system's bitch.

"The best defense against the atom bomb is not to be there when it goes off."
British Army Journal (1949)

Constipated people don't give a shit!

One thing kids like to be is fooled. I remember, once, I told my nephew I was taking
him to Disneyworld, but I really took him to a burned down old warehouse. "Oh no," I
said, "Disneyworld has burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he
thought it was a pretty good joke. Then I started to take him to the real Disneyworld, but
it was dark, so I went home.

Warning: keep out of children.

Korean kitchen knife instructions

Not to be used for the other use.

Japanese food processor instructions

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

Memorize quotes. They're useful in ending and winning arguments. Then again, so are
semi-automatic weapons.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.

God, protect me from your followers...

Bumper Sticker

Hello! How are you doing? You think time is precious, huh? Well, I would like to
tell you, you just wasted about 7 seconds of you life reading this stupid thing.

It is all fun and games until someone loses an eye. So what? Then all the games you play
are more fun because you can not see what is coming.
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. "You know a cow
was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know
there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

Abandon all dope, ye who enter here!

Scrawled above the door of a Drug Rehab' project

If you don't go to other peoples funerals, they won't go to yours.

God was my copilot until we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him.

"If you don't think sin is fun, you haven't been committing the right sins."

Please don't throw cigarette butts on the floor, the cockroaches are getting cancer.
Bathroom graffiti

Abortion brings out the inner child in you.

It's better to be a delighted pessimist than a disappointed optimist.

If I flip this coin, what are the chances of me getting head?

Reincarnation: Life sucks, then you die, then life sucks again.

I'm not smiling because your joke was funny... I'm smiling because I know you'll be dead
someday.

I've never gone to bed with an ugly woman, but I've sure woken up with a few.

Two Rules of Success : 1) Don't tell everything you know.

"I have a genetic abnormality generally considered to be asscociated with high rates of
certain socially abhorrent behaviors: I am male."

Burial company slogan: "We're the last people to put you down."

"Tell a man there are 4 billion stars in the sky, and he'll believe you, but tell him the paint
is wet, and he still has to touch it"

Licking pussy is like playing with the mafia: one wrong move and your in deep shit.

Save a cow, eat a vegetarian

Top 10 things men know about women.

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. Women have boobs.

My kid would have been an Honor Student but... I had an abortion!

I'm sweating like a pedophile in a nursery

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.

I have a head, but no eyes, I have a mouth, but cannot speak. When I get up, I'm shoved
into a stright jacket, thrusted into a wet dark hole repeatedly until I throw up on myself,
then forced to do it again! And the only company I have to give me any comfort at all are
two hairy nuts!
Diary of a dick

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life - celebrate now!"
Graffiti

"It's me and you against the world. So when do we attack?"

Graffiti

"If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction."
Toilet-ceiling graffiti

"Be careful -- Your family's future is in your hands."

Toilet graffiti

"Guitar-groups have no future."

EMI-manager for Beatles 1962

If Darwin's theory of evolution was correct, cats would be able to operate a can opener by
now."

Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking
candy from a baby.

The moon can't fall down because it is in orbit. An orbit is the interaction of a
combination of forces - such as gravity, inertia, centrifugal force and others - that result
in a perfect balance. Nevertheless, it is a good idea to stay indoors as much as possible
I got a dog and named him "Stay". Now, I go "Come here, Stay!". After a while, the dog
went insane and wouldn't move at all.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this
before.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick
it on and off just to check.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a
screamer, but the sweater was OK.

The Internet is a great way to get on the Net.

Bob Dole

A life ? Cool ! Where can I download one of those from ?

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.

The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

There ain't no devil, there's just God when he's drunk.

Tom Waits

All employees: Please piss on your hands before returning to work; the water here is
filthy.
Bathroom wall

The way into a woman's soul is through her eyes and the way into her heart is through her
mind.
The way into a man's soul is through his mouth, and the way into his heart is through his
pants.

Some people say "shoot" instead of "shit." They can't fool me, man. "Shoot" is "shit" with
two o's.
George Carlin

We spend nine months trying to get out, and the rest of our lives trying to get back in.
Men's room graffiti
Sex on TV is bad. You may fall off.

You laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh because you are all the same!

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Robin Williams

When was a lad, there was only one Germany, Latvia, Estonia, Khazachstan,
Eusbekistan, Bosnia, Herzegovina; and then it all changed. And then it all changed back
again. Those changes cost the lives of 66 million people. But it didn't cost me a penny --
'cause I kept my old atlas.
Old Man

If your robbing a bank and you pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh. And let the
hostages laugh too, becasue I mean, come on, Life is funny!

It was a brave man who ate the first oyster.

Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking

markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the
owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

A man hit my fender the other day and I said unto him, 'Be fruitful and multiply.' But not
in those words.

Welcome to Loserville. Population: you.

billboard

We may act, look, and feel like idiots, but at least we're having fun in the process.

One night, I was lying in bed looking up at the stars, when suddenly I said to myself,
"Hey, where the Hell did my ceiling go?"

You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you should never pick your
friends nose.

I think all the stars are salt, and God's gonna' eat us all

Everyone has issues except me - I have a damn subscription.

Eskimo's have 49 words in their language to define snow because they have so much of
it. In the english language, there are more then 50 ways to define a moron...
Accept the some days you are the pigeon and some days you are the statue.

May your life be like toilet paper - long and useful!

Here I stand and hesitate

Should I piss or masturbate ???
Toilet Graffiti

I'm more confused than a horny bi-sexual in a mass orgy.

The only real proof that there is intelligent life in outer space is that they have never tried
to contact us.

Lord help me to be the person my dog thinks I am.

I believe that 5 out of 4 people are bad at fractions.

I don't break the rules. I merely test their elasticity

The only way I'm meeting the girl of my dreams tonight is if I go to sleep.

My doctor told me not to drink any more, so I don't. I don't drink any less, but I don't
drink any more.

I drink to make other people appear more intelligent... I drink a lot.

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for
masturbation.

Your village called, their idiot is missing.

Bumper Sticker

If my theory of relativity is proven correct, Germany will claim me as a German and

France will declare that I am a citizen of the world. Should my theory prove untrue,
France will say that I am a German and Germany will declare that I am a Jew.
Albert Einstein

"I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t....I mean s-m-A-r-t."

Homer Simpson

"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!"

Homer Simpson

"I won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I'm lazy! I'm going right
downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping ba- uh, goodnidght."
Homer Simpson
Ok, son. Just remember to have fun out there today, and if you lose, I'LL KILL YOU!
Homer Simpson

"Ah, beer, my one weakness. My achille's heel, if you will."

Homer Simpson

"Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies and kids with fake IDs."
Homer Simpson

I used to be undecided, but now I'm not so sure.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

Rene Descarte's younger brother

Save a horse, ride a Cowboy!

I'll keep it short and sweet: family, religion, and friendship. These are the three demons
you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.
Mr. Burns, The Simpson’s

You can trust the government, just ask the Indians

Bumper Sticker

87% of all statistics are just made up.

I'm going home.

a Chinese guy digging a hole at the beach

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

By God, I wear the pants in this house. My wife just tells me which pair to wear.

God put me on earth to do a certain number of things. Right now I'm so far behind I'll
never die.

Knowledge pursues me, but I am faster.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little
note on the windscreen, it said "Parking Fine."

"We live in a country where John Lennon takes six bullets in the chest. Yoko Ono is
standing right next to him. She takes not one fucking bullet. Explain that to me! Explain
that to me!"

We don't have a town drunk. We all share the responsibility.

Mean people suck, nice people swallow.
Some shot glass

One by One the penguins steal my sanity....

T-shirt

Lets make like a fetus and head out

Life is like a box of chocolates. However, it may contain traces of nuts.

Blood is thicker than water and tastier than wine.

Suicide is a way of telling God "you can't fire me... I QUIT."

busywork:-(n) bus·y·work ; bize-wûrk' Activity, such as schoolwork or office work,

meant to take up time but not necessarily yield productive results.

Accountants are the best lovers. They can do it all night long and keep their balance!

Free puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

Barbie sucks, but Ken ain't complaining.

Bumper Sticker

If "7 out of 10 men suffer from hemorrhoids," does that mean the other 3 enjoy them?

It's not that I am anti-social. I just don't like you.

T-shirt

I've got problem for your solution...

We're not lost. We're just locationally challenged.

John M. Ford

Nice Legs! What time do they open?

Shirt in Store

I swear to drunk I'm not god.

Q: What's green and smells like pork?

A: Kermit the frog's fingers

If a mute swears, does his mom wash his hands with soap?

Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

Homer, The Simpsons
Q. How do you make black blacker?
A. Add er.

Grammar is not a time of waste!

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the
old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had
learned in seven years.
Mark Twain

God is dead. - Nietzsche

Nietzsche is dead. - God
Nietzsche is God. – Dead

Wormhole travel is all very well, but what happens if you meet a worm in it?

Anal Sex is bad... no ifs, ands, or buts !!!

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says "What is this, some
kind of joke?"

What kind of person goes out of their way, gets a permanent pen, and goes into a stinky
bathroom, just to scribble nonsense on the wall, so others can read it?
Bathroom Graffiti

The great thing about being a pessimist is that you are either always right, or plesantly
disproven

It´s not that I don't believe in Santa Claus. I just don´t like him.

Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

Here lies the body of Leslie Moore

Four slugs from a .44
No Les, no Moore
Epitaph

Drugs cause amnesia, and other things I can't remember

Bumper Sticker

YOU hold the nation's future in your hands!

Urinal Graffiti