ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS 1

Abusive Relationships:

The Signs and Effects

Karigus Perkins

English 1010, Section B

Instructor Coker

September 8, 2010

Virginia College
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Abstract

Statics show that those who are subjected to watching a parent or a sibling being abused

are most likely to abuse their partner. The abuser does not see anything wrong with the behavior

he or she is portraying. The abuser believes it is okay to abuse because of the home environment

he or she had grown up in. The abusers tend to repeat the horrific cycle of threatening to kill a

love one or their child, harming a loved one, pushing, shoving, kicking, biting, punching, name

calling, belittling, sexual assaulting, and even choking the life out of that love one. Physical,

emotional, and mental abuse is all one in the same. Studies have shown that those who are

abused does not tend to know that he or she is being abused because he or she did not grow up

around it and was taught to respect another person’s space and body. However, thus not

knowing, those that are abused cannot find a way out of the abuse and where to go for help. The

abused are afraid of their abuser and sometimes will close themselves off to family and friends.

They will also deny the help from a friend or family member when suspected he or she is being

abused. Studies have also shown that three thousand women, all over the world, have been

murdered by the hands of a boyfriend, a husband, or a serial stalker. It has also been said that an

abuser who winds up killing someone will actually go after his or her victims children. Today,

three women are murdered everyday in an abusive relationship. Those who escape their abuser

tend to never heal completely and are left with mental and emotional scars.
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Abusive Relationships:

The Signs and Effects

What exactly is abuse and how is abuse defined? Who are the abuser and the abused?

How and when does abuse begin? What are the signs of abuse? What are the signs of an abuser?

How do you approach someone who is being abused? How do you get him or her help? And

nevertheless, how does one recover from being abused?

How is abuse defined?

Every since the beginning of time, one would stop to think that abuse was something of

the norm. As abuse grew over the years and women, men, and children were dying from abuse, it

was finally being taking seriously. Abuse has been defined as a state of affairs between two

people that is characterized by wrong or improper action. It can either be physical, verbal,

mentally, or emotionally. Abuse has no prejudice preferences. You could be young, old, child,

woman, or man. Also, you can be an educated person, poor, homeless, an underachiever, or even

an uneducated person. No matter, who you are, abuse can be subjected to anybody. Abuse have

came second nature to some people. Although, some people might hurt others, they can also

abuse themselves. Those that do the abusing and those who get abused, sometimes end up

D.O.A. (dead on arrival), or seriously injured. A lot of the times, both the abuser and the abused

will or cannot recovery from the painful past.

How does someone become the abuser?

What will make a person to become so angry with somebody that they choose to strike a

person or injury a person or even kill a person? Well, researchers have reported and from what
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I’ve experienced in my life, it starts in the home growing up. As a kid growing up with abuse, he

or she is taught abuse. Maybe you were the one being abused or you seen your mother being

abused by your father or a boyfriend or just maybe you were the abuser (mistreating a pet, or

your toys). As a downfall, abuse is the normal condition of life for those who end to abuse. The

abusers mainly contemplate the roles of “abuser” or “victim”. REALLY?! An abuser would get

into those roles because he or she fully understands the terror of being a helpless victim from his

childhood experience. Okay, imagine for a second if you will, that you and your mate were going

out on a romantic outing (which he or she planned by the way), you are all dressed up in your

Sunday best attire, excited and know there is nothing that can ruin your night. He or she has

promised this will be the best time with many more to come. You and your partner get to the

planned destination; he or she gets out the car, comes around to your door, and opens it for you.

“Okay”, you say to you self. “I can live with this”. He or she escorts you into the building,

checks the reservation, and then escorts you to the table and sits you down. Everything is going

lovely at this time, no signs of craziness. After the waiter gets your tables order, your partner

begins acting strange. “What are you doing?” they ask. Now you are sitting on the edge because

you don’t know where that came from. “What are you talking about?” This is where it turns for

the worse. He or she scoots their chair a little more closely to yours, grabs you by the arm real

tight; so tight that it cuts your circulation off, and pinches your leg. “I saw you flirting across the

room giving eye contact to another man/woman. Why are you playing me? Do you think I am

stupid? Who in the hell do you think I am?” You have now entered into the point of no return.

The environment that he or she has grown up in has now aggressed to this kind of aggressive

behavior because he or she feels as if they are being played or attacked. This will cause him or

her to play the “abuser” or “victim” role. The opposite of being a victim is not simply opting out
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of abuse; it is instead, to be abusive. Given the choice between being the out-of-control victim,

or the in-control abuser, he or she grew up to prefer the role of the abuser. As the abuser

progresses into adult hood, they simply turn around the relationship as dynamic and start acting

out the “abuser” side of the relationship as they have learned it. Furthermore, someone who

abuses, they hurting others may go unregistered or only occurs as a dim part of their awareness.

(Brinkman, Antoinette (2004, AUGUST 01), Stopping the violence at home. Library Journal,

(13), 48, retrieved from http://elibrary.bigchalk.com.prx-01.lirn.net)

The general signs of abuse and how to recognize them

How do you recognize the signs of an abuser? When you are in the forest, you cannot see the

forest for the trees.” You have heard this and you know this. However, when you are “in an

abusive relationship” and you are part of the dynamic, it is not possible to see its whole mass.

Domestic abuse can often escalate from threats to verbal and violence abuse. Physical injury is

the obvious danger; the emotional and psychological abuse is also domestic and can be severe.

Being emotionally abused can destroy your self-worth, lead to anxiety and depression, and also

can make you feel alone. No one, and I do mean no one, should have to endure this kind of pain.

The first step to breaking free is to recognize the situation at hand and realize that it is not a

healthy relationship. Here are some general signs of an abusive partner: do you;

 Feel afraid if your partner much of the time?

 Avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?

 Feel that you cannot do anything right for your partner?

 Ever think that you are the one who is crazy?

 Ever feel emotionally numb or helpless?

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Also; does your partner:

 Have a bad and unpredictable temper?

 Destroy your belongings?

 Force you to have sex?

 Threatens to hurt or kill you or your children?

 Does he or she threaten to commit suicide if you leave?

 Belittles you by humiliating or yelling at you?

 Criticize and put you down?

 Blames you for his or her own abusive behavior?

 Controls your every move?

 Acts excessively jealous and possessive?

 Keeps you from seeing you family and friends?

And does him or her;

 Constantly checks up on you?

If you recognize any of these signs, then you are in an abusive relationship.

(http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

What are the statics of an abuser?

Prevalence of Domestic Violence

 In a 1995-1996 study conducted in the 50 States and the District of Columbia, nearly 25% of

women and 7.6% of men were raped and/or physically assaulted by a current or former spouse,

cohabiting partner, or dating partner/acquaintance at some time in their lifetime (based on survey

of 16,000 participants, equally male and female).

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Patricia Tjaden & Nancy Thoennes, U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 181867, Extent, Nature, and

Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence, at iii (2000), available

at http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/nij/pubs-sum/181867.htm

 Approximately 1.3 million women and 835,000 men are physically assaulted by an intimate

partner annually in the United States. 

Patricia Tjaden & Nancy Thoennes, U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 183781, Full Report of the

Prevalence, Incidence, and Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence Against Women:

Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey, at iv (2000), available

at http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/nij/pubs-sum/183781.htm

 Intimate partner violence made up 20% of all nonfatal violent crime experienced by women in

2001. 

Callie Marie Rennison, U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 197838, Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data

Brief: Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001, at 1 (2003), available

athttp://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/pub/pdf/ipv01.pdf

 Intimate partners committed 3% of the nonfatal violence against men.

Callie Marie Rennison, U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 197838, Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data

Brief: Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001, at 1 (2003), available

athttp://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/pub/pdf/ipv01.pdf

 In 2000, 1,247 women and 440 men were killed by an intimate partner. In recent years, an

intimate partner killed approximately 33% of female murder victims and 4% of male murder

victims. 
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Callie Marie Rennison, U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 197838, Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data

Brief: Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001, at 1 (2003), available

athttp://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/pub/pdf/ipv01.pdf

 Access to firearms yields a more than five-fold increase in risk of intimate partner homicide when

considering other factors of abuse, according to a recent study, suggesting that abusers who

possess guns tend to inflict the most severe abuse on their partners.

 The Violence Pol'y Ctr., When Men Murder Women: An Analysis of 2002 Homicide Data:

Females Murdered by Males in Single Victim/Single Offender Incidents, at 7 (2004), available

athttp://www.vpc.org/studies/wmmw2004.pdf

According to the U.S. Department of Justice, between 1998 and 2002:

 Of the almost 3.5 million violent crimes committed against family members, 49% of these were

crimes against spouses.

 84% of spouse abuse victims were females, and 86% of victims of dating partner abuse at were

female.

 Males were 83% of spouse murderers and 75% of dating partner murderers

 50% of offenders in state prison for spousal abuse had killed their victims. Wives were more likely

than husbands to be killed by their spouses: wives were about half of all spouses in the

population in 2002, but 81% of all persons killed by their spouse.

Matthew R. Durose et al., U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 207846, Bureau of Justice Statistics, Family

Violence Statistics: Including Statistics on Strangers and Acquaintances, at 31-32 (2005),

available athttp://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/pub/pdf/fvs.pdf

Stalking

According to the Stalking Resource Center:

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 1,006,970 women and 370,990 men are stalked annually in the United States.

 1 in 12 women and 1 in 45 men will be stalked in their lifetime.

 77% of female and 64% of male victims know their stalker.

 87% of stalkers are men.

 59% of female victims and 30% of male victims are stalked by an intimate partner.

 81% of women stalked by a current or former intimate partner are also physically assaulted by

that partner.

 31% of women stalked by a current or former intimate partner are also sexually assaulted by that

partner.

 The average duration of stalking is 1.8 years.

 If stalking involves intimate partners, the average duration of stalking increases to 2.2 years.

 61% of stalkers made unwanted phone calls; 33% sent or left unwanted letters or items; 29%

vandalized property; and 9% killed or threatened to kill a family pet.

 28% of female victims and 10% of male victims obtained a protective order. 69% of female

victims and 81% of male victims had the protection order violated.

Stalking Resource Ctr., The Nat'l Ctr. for Victims of Crime, Stalking Fact

Sheet,http://www.ncvc.org/src/Main.aspx (citing Patricia Tjaden & Nancy Thoennes, U.S. Dep't of Justice,

NCJ 169592,Stalking in America: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey (1998)

Sexual Assault

According to the National Violence Against Women Survey:

 Women are more likely to be victims of sexual violence than men: 78% of the victims of rape and

sexual assault are women and 22% are men.

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 Most perpetrators of sexual violence are men. Among acts of sexual violence committed against

women since the age of 18, 100% of rapes, 92% of physical assaults, and 97% of stalking acts

were perpetrated by men. Sexual violence against men is also mainly male violence: 70% of

rapes, 86% of physical assaults, and 65% of stalking acts were perpetrated by men.

 In 8 out of 10 rape cases, the victim knows the perpetrator. Of people who report sexual violence,

64% of women and 16% of men were raped, physically assaulted, or stalked by an intimate

partner. This includes a current or former spouse, cohabitating partner, boyfriend/girlfriend, or

date.

Patricia Tjaden & Nancy Thoennes, U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 183781, Full Report of the

Prevalence, Incidence, and Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence Against Women:

Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey, at iv (2000), available

at http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/nij/pubs-sum/183781.htm

Is it still abuse if the incidents of physical abuse seem minor when you compare it

to those you have read about or seen on television or heard other women or men talk

about? There is not a “better” or “worse” so to speak. Being pushed can result to being

severely injured, for example. You hear this statement a lot, “he only hit me once.” Some

take it as being okay and do not think twice about it, but if you really think about it, any

form of abuse is not okay. Studies indicate that if your spouse or partner has injured you

once, it is likely that he or she will continue to physically assault you. At any time, is it

okay to be hit, nor pushed, nor yelled at, nor threatened, nor made fun of, by someone

who claims to love you? Nevertheless, many women, men, and children, are affected

emotionally and physically by being assaulted. This can be as equally frightening and is

often more confusing to try to understand. Emotional abuse is a bigger problem than

anyone thinks. (Mike, Pa. “No easy way out: A recent tragedy involving an educated,
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successful couple is a reminder that domestic violence can hit home anywhere.”

McClatchy- Tribune Business News. 2010, August 22)

How do you recognize tell-tell signs that someone is being abused?

Generally you will see a change in a person’s behavior. That person will seem

afraid or anxious to please their partner for example; they would do things for their

partner that you know they would never do otherwise. The abused will go along with

everything their partner says or does, check in often with their partner to report where

they are and what they are doing, receive frequent harassing phone calls from their

partner, and talk about their partners temper, jealousy, or possessiveness. However, if a

friend or family members, have frequent injuries with the excuse of “it was an accident,”

frequently missing work, school, or social occasional gatherings without explanation,

furthermore, dress in clothing designed to hide bruises or scars, for example; they will be

wearing long sleeves in the summer or sunglasses indoors. You are witnessing a loved

one who is in an abusive relationship. Do not hold your tongue to this. It is your God

given duty as a friend to speak up and speak out! (Campbell, J. (2003). Domestic

violence; partner’s unemployment, access to guns among factors leading to murder of

men and women. Medical Letter on the CDC and FDA, 12.)

When and how do you save someone from abuse?

If you are hesitating-telling yourself that it is none of your business, you might be

hella wrong, or the person might not want to talk about it-just keep in mind that
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expressing your concern will let the person know that you care and may even save his or

her life. However, there are some dos and don’ts to speaking up. Here are the dos:

 Ask if something is wrong

 Express concern

 Listen and validate

 Offer help

 Support his or her decisions

Here some don’ts:

 Do not wait for him or her to come to you

 Do not blame or judge

 Do not pressure him or her

 Do not give advice

 Do not place conditions on your support

Talk to that person in private and let him or her know that you are concerned. Once a

person has gotten the help they need and finally get their live back, he or she will be

forever grateful. It is not easy for the abused to get out of an abusive relationship, nor is it

safe. There are domestic help lines, shelters for the battered, safe houses, and twenty four

seven counseling. Some women and men who are abused do not survive abusive

relationships. So if you know someone is being subjected to abuse, please lend a helping

hand otherwise it will be too late. (Roberts, A. R. (2002). Handbook of domestic violence

intervention strategies: policies, programs, and legal remedies 46)

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Most relationships are not made in heaven. They come in kits and you have to put

them together yourselves. Anonymous http://www.relationship-

rescue.net/relationship-quotes.