ABUSIVE BETRAYAL OF LOVE

At first glance one would imagine that abusive betrayal of love refers to
having an affair. That is not my focus here, however. Affairs constitute a
betrayal of love, but not necessarily an abusive one. I am placing the
emphasis on abusive, and that cruel act must have deliberate meanness,
indifference to the pain being inflicted, and more often than not, punishment
as its intent. For betrayal of love to be abusive, it must have some or all of
these traits. In this particular commentary, I would like to direct attention to
the abuse that frequently occurs when a relationship ends.
Usually only one person wants to end a relationship. The other is often
heartbroken and devastated at the prospect of losing the one s/he loves.
Obviously, a very vulnerable time for both , if both have integrity and are
invested in each other. However, if the one terminating the relationship lacks
integrity, the only vulnerable one is the one being left. Rejection is a stinging
pain that strikes deep and shatters one's world. It is the worst time to be
abused. Not that there is ever a good time for abuse, since it should never
occur, but there are definitely times when we are less able, even unable to
deal with abuse. Being left by someone is definitely one of those times.
Why would meanness, punishment, or indifference to pain be a part of
terminating a loving relationship anyway? There are many reasons, but in my
opinion, the most devastating one is arrogance. Arrogance covers a multitude
of sins and allows the arrogant one to feel superior by being innocent, above
the fray, and above anything the one being left feels, says, or thinks. The
arrogant perceive themselves as protected and set apart and better than
others. Underlying abuse is already occurring just by the presence of
arrogance. In and of itself, arrogance is abusive. No one is innocent when a
relationship ends. Everyone has played some part, even if it is ignoring that
there's a problem. No one is above the fray. It prevents fair confrontation and
accountability and it certainly prevents intimacy and understanding. To be
superior to the one we're leaving is crushing to the one being left. Being the
one left is already an inferior position. Add arrogance, and it's salt in the
wound. To be crushed and stepped on and feeling shunned during the
dissolution of a partnership is truly abusive. The ground is fertile for blatant
abuse which certainly is an absolute betrayal of love.
Arrogance is, by its nature, mean spirited because it gets its stature by
putting others down. Deliberate meanness flows easily from the distance and
superiority it provides. To maintain superiority, the other must be put down,
blamed, ignored, disdained, or ridiculed. A very cruel twist of the bond of
love. If the rejected one pleads, cries, screams, or rants and raves, and it is
received by arrogantly cold indifference and/or cutting remarks, it creates a
climate of total powerlessness. Nothing is heard, nothing is felt, nothing is
given any credibility or any respect, and certainly there is no caring. A
devastating sense of being nothing but rejected and deserving of it, yields
the ultimate betrayal of love. Punishment and exile are all that is available.
Total devastation is, and should be, the outgrowth of this cruelty.
No one should be treated this way, least of all, one who had been loved and
who still loves. There is a deliberateness to the cold indifference of "justified"
arrogance that puts it in a class by itself, abusive betrayal. I warn any of you
who even have a whiff of this attitude within yourself or in the relationship,
do not tolerate it. Take aggressive steps immediately to address and
change it. Like cancer, caught in its early stages, there is a good chance it
can be eliminated, but allowed to grow unchecked and unattended, it can
spread until it permeates the relationship, eventually, killing it. In its final
stages, arrogance allows the arrogant one to create a world view that puts
everything in a perspective that interprets things the "arrogant" way. Integrity
is nowhere to be seen, manipulation, deception and outright lies are
everywhere. It is an air tight system. There is no way out except total
termination of the relationship. It works, but at the price of fairness, and
integrity, say nothing of respect, caring, and accountability. It is an out and
out betrayal of love. There is no justification for it and there should be no
tolerance for it either.
The only antidote is integrity. Cling to it like your sanity and your life depend
on it. They do. Integrity will allow you to sustain yourself as you suffer the
pain and devastation of an arrogant ex-lover. Stare at the truth, trumpet the
truth and embrace the truth. Claim every single thing that you are aware of
that is your part in this failed relationship, but do not turn the truth into a
weapon. Use it for insight and clarity. Use it for balm and for healing. Use it to
learn and grow. Become wiser, more liberated, more committed to having a
relationship governed by integrity, fairness, and respect that means
continually confronting yourself and each other and demanding
accountability. Understanding, caring and intimacy will be the outgrowth of
such a relationship, never meanness, indifference or punishment. If the
relationship changes, and feelings change and you might someday need to
separate, it can be done painfully but respectfully, not meanly and abusively.
Nothing ever justifies abuse. Nothing. And to abuse someone you once loved
and who loved and may still love, is a betrayal, an unadulterated betrayal of
love. In my opinion, a heinous act that must never, ever be tolerated and
certainly never given legitimacy.

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