A collection of 1-minute plays

by
Madhuri Shekar

Fall 2010

A Collection of 1-Minute Plays by Madhuri Shekar is licensed under

a CreativeCommons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported
License.

Contact:
madhuri.shekar1@gmail.com
ZOMBIES ARE WERE PEOPLE TOO

By Madhuri Shekar

Open in a courtroom. The witness in the

stand is headless.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY
Zombies are-

PROSECUTOR
(off-stage)
Objection!

DEFENSE ATTORNEY
Were people too, your honor! Does my client not have the same
rights to habeus corpus as the rest of us?

JUDGE
Your client is literally a corpse, counsel.

WITNESS
And he ate my brains! I’m all for a fair trial, but COME ON!

DEFENSE ATTORNEY
Mr. Roberts, if my client ate your brains, HOW ARE YOU STILL
TALKING?

A pause.

JUDGE
(bangs the gavel)
The court rules in favor of the defense.

Spotlight on ZOMBIE HISTORIAN.

ZOMBIE HISTORIAN
And thus concluded the historic case of Balthazar vs. The
State of California, establishing the precedent of granting
living rights to the dead.

The Zombie Historian starts to slobber

and attacks a member of the audience.

Blackout.
 2.

NATION, HAVE YOU SEEN MY PANTS?

By Madhuri Shekar.

A man comes out on stage, totally

naked.

MAN
Nation, have you seen my pants?
(pause. He turns around slowly,
flaunting what he’s got.)
They’re fantastic, aren’t they? They are so sheer, they are
practically invisible. The thinnest material on the market,
and therefore, the most slimming. Notice how it shows off the
elegance of my contours, providing a graceful hint of my skin
tone.
(as he says the following, he
turns around and bends over)
Notice how it stretches to fit perfectly, not a crease in
sight. Why, it’s like I’m wearing nothing at all!

An assistant runs on stage, carrying a

towel.

ASSISTANT
Your majesty, your majesty!

He wraps the towel around the Man’s

waist.

MAN
What are you doing? You’re covering up my new outfit.
(The assistant whispers in his
ears. The man blanches. He
glares at the audience.)
All right. Kill them all.
Blackout.
 3.

BE HAPPY

By Madhuri Shekar

DAUGHTER
Be happy!

MOTHER
That’s not the answer I was looking for.

DAUGHTER
You asked me what I wanted to be.

MOTHER
I meant professionally.

DAUGHTER
I can be happy professionally.

MOTHER
Who’s gonna pay you?

DAUGHTER
The happiness bank.

A long pause.

MOTHER
Fucking Swarthmore.

Blackout.
 4.

THE MATT DAMON ALLEGORY

By Madhuri Shekar

Two girls sit, playing cards.

GIRL A
Matt Damon.

GIRL B
What about him?

GIRL A
Think he and Ben Affleck ever...

She makes an intricate hand gesture.

GIRL B
What is that?

GIRL A
I was going for gay sex.

A pause.

GIRL B
Look if you wanna say something then just SAY it.

GIRL A
Fine. Do you wanna fuck?

GIRL B
No.

A beat.
GIRL A
We wouldn’t be in this awkward place if you'd just allowed me
to stay on the Matt Damon allegory.

Blackout.
 5.

GOD HATES...

By Madhuri Shekar.

A protestor holds up a sign, reading

“God Hates Fags.” A man, very fey,
stands next to him, looking him up and
down.

MAN
No I don’t.

PROTESTOR
Who are you?
(The man points at the sign)
Fag?

MAN
No, the other one. It would be pretty gay of me to hate on
gay people, don’t you think?

PROTESTOR
You’re going to hell.

MAN
(checking his watch)
And late, too.

He walks away, then turns back to the

protestor.

MAN
(looking at the sign)
That bothers me.

The man disappears, and the sign

crumbles to ashes. The protestor looks
around, startled.

Blackout.
 6.

PUMPKIN SMASH

By Madhuri Shekar

A man dressed in a Hulk Costume stands

next to a man, not dressed up as
anything in particular.

MAN DRESSED AS HULK

HULK SMASH!

MAN
PUMPKIN SMASH!

MAN DRESSED AS HULK

What? What are you-

MAN
PUMPKIN SMASH!

MAN DRESSED AS HULK

That’s not a thing, stop-

MAN
PUMPKIN SMASH!

MAN DRESSED AS HULK

That doesn’t make any-

MAN runs offstage, runs back on stage

with a pumpkin, screaming, and smashes
it over Hulk Man’s head.

MAN DRESSED AS HULK

Oh I see.
 7.

AND NOW OVER TO TIM WITH THE WEATHER.

By Madhuri Shekar

A news anchor sits at his desk. To his

right stands TIM, the weather man, in
front of his green screen.

NEWS ANCHOR
And now over to Tim with the weather.

TIM
Thank you, Dave. We have clear skies this morning, with some
hot air blowing up Dave’s ass. On Tuesday, we can expect
light showers of Dave’s piss, all over my marriage. Later
this week, some pockets of intense high pressure over Dave’s
jugular. Followed by a righteous rain of hellfire and the
fury of God’s vengeance upon his sinning, devilish, blackest
of souls, an eternal reign in hell for that Satan’s spawn!

Security guards rush in, tackle Tim to

the floor, and taser him.

NEWS ANCHOR
(pause)
Thank you Tim. Now over to Dwayne, with the sports.
 8.

I DO I DO OH GOD YES I DO

By Madhuri Shekar

Tricia and Justin are at the altar, as

a Priest officiates their wedding.

PRIEST
Do you, Tricia Martin-

TRICIA
Yes! That’s me!

PRIEST
Take Justin Baxter-

TRICIA
Yes.

PRIEST
As your lawfully wedded husband.

TRICIA
Oh my god yes.

PRIEST
In sickness and in health-

TRICIA
You betcha.

PRIEST
For better or for worse-

TRICIA
Yes, yes, yes.
PRIEST
Till death do you part?

TRICIA
Yes! YES! YES! Oh yes!

PRIEST
Do you, Justin-

Justin looks from Tricia to the priest

to the audience, aghast.

Lights slowly fade.

 9.

THE EARWORM

By Madhuri Shekar

A doctor’s office. The PATIENT sits

with wires stuck to her head leading to
a strange device with speakers and
knobs. The DOCTOR takes notes.

PATIENT
I have this damn Katy Perry song stuck in my head, get it out
please!

The doctor adjusts a knob on the

device, and Katy Perry’s ‘Teenage
Dream’ blasts out.

DOCTOR
The only cure is to insert an equally annoying song into your
head, they will cancel each other out.

PATIENT
Do it!

The doctor turns another knob. Ke$ha’s

‘Tik Tok’ flows into the patient’s head-
we hear the volume go up and down as it
goes into her.

DOCTOR
Better?

PATIENT
(clutching her head)
Doctor- they’re-
DOCTOR
(turning a knob)
What’s happening?

PATIENT
They’re creating a mash-up! AAAAAH!

A mash-up of Teenage Dream and Tik Tok

blast out from the speakers. The
patient goes into a seizure. The doctor
clutches his head and screams. The mash-
up continues at full volume as the
lights slowly fade.
 10.

JUST A MINUTE

By Madhuri Shekar

An amorous couple is making out. The

girl pulls away and looks at her watch.

GIRL
We don’t have time.

BOY
We have a minute-

GIRL
Anything that can be done in a minute is not worth doing.

BOY
Not necessarily.

GIRL
Speed does not impress me.

She exits. The boy looks at his hand.

BOY
Well, we only need 30 seconds, don’t we buddy?

Blackout.
 11.

MIND YOUR METAPHORS

By Madhuri Shekar

A MAN stands on stage. The TOWN CRIER

comes in, making an announcement.

TOWN CRIER
Hear ye! Hear ye! By order of the King, all use of hyperbole
is now a punishable offence.

MAN
What? That’s crazy!

Soldiers march in, arrest the man, and

start to drag him away.

MAN
No I mean- that is a logically unnecessary preventive
measure! HELP!

The man is dragged off-stage. The town-

crier looks hard at the audience.

TOWN CRIER
I hear there are writers in this room.
(pause)
Watch it.

Blackout.