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Dealing with Difficult People

“The diversity of human nature brings with it differences that catapult humanity through
difficulties.”

Research shows that supportive relationships are good for our mental and physical health.
However, dealing with difficult people and maintaining ongoing negative relationships is actually
detrimental to our health. It’s a good idea to diminish or eliminate relationships that are filled with
conflict. But what do you do if the person in question is a family member, co-worker, or someone
you otherwise can’t easily eliminate from your life?

Tips
The following are tips for dealing with difficult people who are in your life, for better or for worse:

1. Keep Conversations Neutral Avoid discussing divisive and personal issues, like religion
and politics, or other issues that tend to cause conflict. If the other person tries to engage
you in a discussion that will probably become an argument, change the subject or leave the
room.

2. Accept The Reality of Who They Are In dealing with difficult people, don’t try to change
the other person; you will only get into a power struggle, cause defensiveness, invite
criticism, or otherwise make things worse. It also makes you a more difficult person to deal
with.

3. Know What's Under Your Control Change your response to the other person; this is all
you have the power to change. For example, don’t feel you need to accept abusive behavior.
You can use assertive communication to draw boundaries when the other person chooses to
treat you in an unacceptable way.

4. Create Healthier Patterns Remember that most relationship difficulties are due to a
dynamic between two people rather than one person being unilaterally "bad." Chances are
good that you're repeating the same patterns of interaction over and over; changing your
response could get you out of this rut, and responding in a healthy way can improve your
chances of a healthier pattern forming. Here’s a list of things to avoid in dealing with conflict.
Do you do any of them?

5. See The Best In People Try to look for the positive aspects of others, especially when
dealing with family, and focus on them. The other person will feel more appreciated, and
you will likely enjoy your time together more.

6. Remember Who You're Dealing With Seeing the best in someone is important;
however, don’t pretend the other person’s negative traits don’t exist. Don’t tell your
secrets to a gossip, rely on a flake, or look for affection from someone who isn’t able to
give it. This is part of accepting them for who they are.

7. Get Support Where You Can Find It Get your needs met from others who are able to
meet your needs. Tell your secrets to a trustworthy friend who's a good listener, or
process your feelings through journaling, for example. Rely on people who have proven
themselves to be trustworthy and supportive, or find a good therapist if you need one. This
will help you and the other person by taking pressure off the relationship and removing a
source of conflict.
1. Let Go Or Get Space If You Need It Know when it’s time to distance yourself, and do
so. If the other person can’t be around you without antagonizing you, minimizing contact may
be key. If they’re continually abusive, it's best to cut ties and let them know why. Explain
what needs to happen if there ever is to be a relationship, and let it go. (If the offending
party is a boss or co-worker, you may consider switching jobs.)

Tips:

1. Try not to place blame on yourself or the other person for the negative interactions. It may
just be a case of your two personalities fitting poorly.

2. Remember that you don't have to be close with everyone; just being polite goes a long
way toward getting along and appropriately dealing with difficult people.

3. Work to maintain a sense of humor -- difficulties will roll off your back much more easily.
Shows like "The Office" and books like David Sedaris' Naked can help you see the humor in
dealing with difficult people.

4. Be sure to cultivate other more positive relationships in your life to offset the negativity of
dealing with difficult people.

What Doesn’t Work


Sending solutions. Common phrases that indicate solving include: “What if you…” “Stop
doing… and start…” and “Why don’t you…” Telling people what to do does not work.
Solutions are the problem. The more you push solutions on people, the more they pull away
from you and your suggestion. Real solutions, commitment, and desire for change come from
participation.

Moralizing. Common phrases that indicate moralizing include: “You should….” “It would
be good for you to…” and “Stop doing wrong…” Chapter eight of my program defines
moralizing words as “using what is right and wrong, good and bad, black and white to further
your logic.” Manipulation from guilt and other emotions that arise from moral words do not
change difficult people – yet alone anyone.

Complaints. “I wish Bill wasn’t so damn annoying.” Bickering is mental masturbation.


Creation comes from being proactive. If you complain, you’re the difficult person. You
become no better than the person you try to change.

Criticism. People criticize to build change. “I’m results-focused. I criticize people to get
things done.” Similar lines of thinking drive the 12 communication barriers (criticism,
labeling, diagnosing, praise, orders, threats, questions, moralizing, advice, reason,
reassurance, and deflecting). Avoid criticism because it is not charismatic persuasion.
Criticism intensifies conflict. Criticized individuals feel diminished, unworthy, and less
important.

What Does Work: 10 Principles and Tips to Deal with a


Difficult Person
The following principles and tips are not short-term tricks to transform an annoying person.
Endless articles have been written on the Internet that provide frivolous advice on this topic.
When the core problem is addressed, however, colds get skipped and the cancer is cut out.
The advice in this article gets down to the core of what really matters when dealing with a
difficult person and does not change from situation because the advice is timeless.

1. You see the world as you are. Stephanie Rosenbloom for The New York Times hit the
heart of difficult people; or rather the people who think someone is difficult. Rosenbloom
says the issue “is not the difficult people themselves. It is you.”

Most articles that provide tips to deal with difficult people focus on difficult individuals
(“They’re the problem”); hence they miss the real problem (“You’re part of the problem”).
You play a role in a difficult person’s behavior. Problems transmute from your perception,
then your reaction. Carl Jung said we repress our hated characteristics, which manifest in
discomfort around people we repulse. Jungian psychoanalyst Edward Whitmont writes:

“Ask someone to give a description of the personality type which he finds most despicable,
most unbearable and hateful, and most impossible to get along with, and he will produce a
description of his own repressed characteristics – a self-description which is utterly
unconscious and which therefore always and everywhere tortures him as he receives its effect
from the other person. These very qualities are so unacceptable to him precisely because they
represent his own repressed side; only that which he cannot accept without ourselves do we
find impossible to live with in others.”

What characteristics in people do you hate most? What do these characteristics say about
you? Who doesn’t find the person difficult? What can you learn from people who don’t find
the person hard to face?

A chronically difficult person is rare. Your self-image makes people difficult. I strongly
encourage you to notice as often as possible what you deny in yourself because this could be
a repressed image, a shadow you see in others, that you have ignored in the past. “In the end,”
says Rosenbloom, “the specialists say, we cannot control other people, only our response to
them.” (The first chapter of my Big Talk training course taps into this deep, dark
psychological theory that stops us from enjoyable conversation. When you connect with your
full self, it becomes easy to connect with people and make friends. This is cutting-edge
material you can discover more about here.)

2. Lose the need to be right. When you enter a conversation with the intent to fix someone,
you become difficult. Stephen Covey in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People says you
must open yourself to be influenced to influence. Quit thinking you’re right because this
drives your resistance to be changed and change people.

3. Clear your heart, open your mind. Too often our experiences with people hurt our
current conversations with them. It takes time for someone in your negative light to shift
under a positive spotlight – even when the person hasn’t been difficult for a while.

Forgive to clean your heart then keep an open mind as to why someone is difficult. Stop
hopping to conclusions by portraying the problem as the person’s difficulty. You blockade
truth with judgments and fear of self-analysis.
Perhaps you are the problem, their father was diagnosed with cancer, or they are in financial
trouble. Acknowledge that you do not – and will never – know all reasons why someone is
difficult. An open mind that welcomes a person’s point of view to enter possible explanations
for their behavior creates a cushion to soften harsh judgments.

Listen to the difficult person and let them express their point of view – it will help you see
why they are difficult. This tip alone can be enough to deal with the person as you see the
reason for their behavior. Listen honestly, actively, and empathically.

4. Want difficult people. It’s scary, but wanting a bothersome person helps you. Difficult
people create conflict – and this creates change. If organisms faced no challenges, they would
have no reason to evolve. Difficulties challenge you, compelling you to evolve into a superior
being.

Does this mean you can be difficult? No. There is people who find you difficult enough. The
diversity of human nature brings with it differences that catapult humanity through
difficulties.

5. Be proactive, not reactive. Reactive persons blame circumstances for their reality. They
reciprocate bad behavior. They reason other people need to change.

Proactive persons create what they want regardless of constricting circumstances. Create a
value in yourself to be proactive and treat people with respect. Once you stop reciprocating
bad behavior, you feel proud, empowered, and in control of your life – regardless of whether
you successfully handle the situation. Make the fundamental decision to commit to the advice
given in this article.

6. Be responsible, not a victim. Don’t blame people for how they make you feel. The degree
you’re a victim of someone’s behavior controls the impact it has on you.

Take responsibility for how you feel. Prevent people from entering and exiting your
emotional state at will. Eliminate blame to free yourself from a person’s difficult behavior.

You don’t have to be burdened by people’s problems. You will work towards a solution
faster and be less emotionally exasperated when you lose the victim mentality and stop
thinking people are villains. My friend Gary Harper has a good article on this where he also
discusses similar principles to this article.

7. Be problem-oriented, not person-oriented. Difficult people have a difficult problem and


are trying to fulfill a need the only way they know possible. It seems elusive, but even they
want to live in harmony.

People are not the problem. Focus on the problem and not the person. A helpful tip for this is
to disassociate the problem from the person. Their behavior, even you, or something else is
the problem.

8. Find the unmet need. Difficult people have an unmet need. Whether somebody is angry,
unhappy, depressed, loud, or anxious, they try to fulfill a need – though it is often done
poorly. Notice a hidden need beneath someone’s difficult behavior, and you will see another
human being. This will allow you to compassionately communicate. The Nonviolent
Communication Process is a model that gets you focused on, and fulfilling, other people’s
needs and your own.

9. Be interdependent. Dependency is unhealthy. To overcome this, self-help experts teach


independence. According to most people, independence is health, freedom, and power. By
itself, nothing could be further from the truth.

According to Robert Greene, author of 48 Laws of Power, a powerful individual living in


isolation destroys his power. John O’Neil in The Paradox of Success confirms Greene’s
remarks. O’Neil says leaders and other individuals in powerful positions destroy their success
and happiness with overt independence. Such persons do it all, have chronic obsessions with
work and difficulties getting their mind off work, and easily become irritated by others who
disagree with their decision-making.

A powerful communicator knows how to distribute decision-making for freedom. He or she


knows how to seek help because the person is not afraid to admit failure and learn. This is the
interdependent standpoint you need beyond solitude. “When we try to pick out anything by
itself,” said famed conservationist John Muir, “we find it hitched to everything else in the
Universe.”

You don’t need to solve all problems by yourself. It sounds simple, but talking to a parent,
manager, or human resource department is helpful. Other people bring knowledge, skills, and
persuasive power to handle a difficult person. However, be beware of risks associated with
making a private problem public. It’s your responsibility to respect a person’s privacy
concerns, but at the same time you need to request another’s help when necessary.

10. Be detached from an outcome.

If the above tips and principles fail you, it’s not because they don’t work – it’s because you
disobeyed them. The principles and tips given to you cannot fail because they are the
foundations for good communication.

If you lose the need to be right while remaining proactive, for example, you deal with the
difficult person. Stop thinking the only way to deal with a difficult person is to change them,
such desire only makes you difficult.

When you attach to an outcome by seeking a specific result from an interaction at all costs,
your rigidity causes resistance. The most common outcome people attach to when they
converse with a difficult person is their need to be right and change the person (principle #2).
Going into a conversation with the righteous intent to change a person guarantees failure.
You must detach from an outcome.

If the principles and tips do not bring you the result you’re after, be prepared to walk away.
Give the two of you some space to think the problems through. By doing this, you clear your
heart and open your mind, remain proactive, and keep problem-oriented. A tough issue can
be solved at a later time. Another day can bring different possibilities. Emotions, thoughts,
and attitudes change all the time.

Unsuccessful conflict resolution of an issue with a difficult person can often escalate the
problem, but adhere to these principles and tips to deal with a difficult person to make the
difficult more manageable. “Many are stubborn in pursuit of the path they have chosen,” said
Friedrich Nietzsche, “few in pursuit of the goal.”

(If you are reading this and found the above principles and tips to deal with difficult people
helpful, you will enjoy my “Communication Secrets of Powerful People Program” where the
principles for this article were extracted. Click here to learn more about the program and how
you can develop your communication skills to charismatically have cold-hearted persons
wanting to change. You can also discover more about Big Talk, my training course that lets
two persons openly and freely talk with one another, here.)

The Key Skill to Manage Difficult People


Listening is the most important skill to manage a difficult person. When you actively listen,
you immediately implement many of the principles discussed in this article. Here are some
key points to keep in mind to effectively listen that summarize principles of dealing with
difficult people:

1. Enter the present moment. Focus on the now, not the past or future.
2. Stop judging their words. Avoid solutions, criticism, and moral statements – even if you don’t
verbalize them – because thinking such patterns affect your behavior.
3. Name the difficult behavior without judgmental evaluation. “You are angry” is right as
opposed to “You are annoying”. This creates awareness to initiate change.
4. Encourage emotional expression: “Tell me about what made you angry”. Resisting emotions
causes them to persist and makes a difficult person more stubborn.

If you lose the need to be right while remaining proactive, for example, you deal with the
difficult person. Stop thinking the only way to deal with a difficult person is to change them,
such desire only makes you difficult.

When you attach to an outcome by seeking a specific result from an interaction at all costs,
your rigidity causes resistance. The most common outcome people attach to when they
converse with a difficult person is their need to be right and change the person (principle #2).
Going into a conversation with the righteous intent to change a person guarantees failure.
You must detach from an outcome.

If the principles and tips do not bring you the result you’re after, be prepared to walk away.
Give the two of you some space to think the problems through. By doing this, you clear your
heart and open your mind, remain proactive, and keep problem-oriented. A tough issue can
be solved at a later time. Another day can bring different possibilities. Emotions, thoughts,
and attitudes change all the time.

Unsuccessful conflict resolution of an issue with a difficult person can often escalate the
problem, but adhere to these principles and tips to deal with a difficult person to make the
difficult more manageable. “Many are stubborn in pursuit of the path they have chosen,” said
Friedrich Nietzsche, “few in pursuit of the goal.”

(If you are reading this and found the above principles and tips to deal with difficult people
helpful, you will enjoy my “Communication Secrets of Powerful People Program” where the
principles for this article were extracted. Click here to learn more about the program and how
you can develop your communication skills to charismatically have cold-hearted persons
wanting to change. You can also discover more about Big Talk, my training course that lets

Conflict Resolution Mistakes To Avoid


Conventional wisdom (and research) says that good communication can improve relationships,
increasing intimacy, trust and support. The converse is also true: poor communication can weaken
bonds, creating mistrust and even contempt! Here are some examples of negative and even
destructive attitudes and communication patterns that can exacerbate conflict in a relationship.
How many of these sound like something you’d do?

1. Avoiding Conflict Altogether:


Rather than discussing building frustrations in a calm, respectful manner, some people just don’t
say anything to their partner until they’re ready to explode, and then blurt it out in an angry,
hurtful way. This seems to be the less stressful route—avoiding an argument altogether—but
usually causes more stress to both parties, as tensions rise, resentments fester, and a much
bigger argument eventually results. It's much healthier to address and resolve conflict.

2. Being Defensive:
Rather than addressing a partner’s complaints with an objective eye and willingness to understand
the other person’s point of view, defensive people steadfastly deny any wrongdoing and work hard
to avoid looking at the possibility that they could be contributing to a problem. Denying
responsibility may seem to alleviate stress in the short run, but creates long-term problems when
partners don’t feel listened to and unresolved conflicts and continue to grow.

3. Overgeneralizing:
When something happens that they don’t like, some blow it out of proportion by making sweeping
generalizations. Avoid starting sentences with, “You always…” and “You never…”, as in, “You
always come home late!” or “You never do what I want to do!” Stop and think about whether or
not this is really true. Also, don’t bring up past conflicts to throw the discussion off-topic and stir
up more negativity. This stands in the way of true conflict resolution, and increases the level of
conflict.

4. Being Right:
It’s damaging to decide that there’s a ‘right’ way to look at things and a ‘wrong’ way to look at
things, and that your way of seeing things is right. Don’t demand that your partner see things the
same way, and don’t take it as a personal attack if they have a different opinion. Look for a
compromise or agreeing to disagree, and remember that there’s not always a ‘right’ or a ‘wrong’,
and that two points of view can both be valid.

5. "Psychoanalyzing" / Mind-Reading:
Instead of asking about their partner’s thoughts and feelings, people sometimes decide that they
‘know’ what their partners are thinking and feeling based only on faulty interpretations of their
actions—and always assume it’s negative! (For example, deciding a late mate doesn’t care enough
to be on time, or that a tired partner is denying sex out of passive-aggressiveness.) This creates
hostility and misunderstandings.

6. Forgetting to Listen:
Some people interrupt, roll their eyes, and rehearse what they’re going to say next instead of truly
listening and attempting to understand their partner. This keeps you from seeing their point of
view, and keeps your partner from wanting to see yours! Don’t underestimate the importance of
really listening and empathizing with the other person!

7. Playing the Blame Game:


Some people handle conflict by criticizing and blaming the other person for the situation. They see
admitting any weakness on their own part as a weakening of their credibility, and avoid it at all
costs, and even try to shame them for being ‘at fault’. Instead, try to view conflict as an
opportunity to analyze the situation objectively, assess the needs of both parties and come up with
a solution that helps you both.

8. Trying to ‘Win’ The Argument:


I love it when Dr. Phil says that if people are focused on ‘winning’ the argument, “the relationship
loses”! The point of a relationship discussion should be mutual understanding and coming to an
agreement or resolution that respects everyone’s needs. If you’re making a case for how wrong
the other person is, discounting their feelings, and staying stuck in your point of view, your
focused in the wrong direction!

9. Making Character Attacks:


Sometimes people take any negative action from a partner and blow it up into a personality flaw.
(For example, if a husband leaves his socks lying around, looking it as a character flaw and label
him ‘inconsiderate and lazy’, or, if a woman wants to discuss a problem with the relationship,
labeling her ‘needy’, ‘controlling’ or ‘too demanding’.) This creates negative perceptions on both
sides. Remember to respect the person, even if you don’t like the behavior.

10. Stonewalling:
When one partner wants to discuss troubling issues in the relationship, sometimes people
defensively stonewall, or refuse to talk or listen to their partner. This shows disrespect and, in
certain situations, even contempt, while at the same time letting the underlying conflict grow.
Stonewalling solves nothing, but creates hard feelings and damages relationships. It’s much better
to listen and discuss things in a respectful manner.

9 Tips
Here's 9 tips which I've found to work in dealing with such people:

1. Be calm.
Losing your temper and flaring out at the other person typically isn't the best way to get him/her to
collaborate with you. Unless you know that anger will trigger the person into action and you are
consciously using it as a strategy to move him/her, it is better to assume a calm persona.

Someone who is calm is seen as being in control, centered and more respectable. Would you
prefer to work with someone who is predominantly calm or someone who is always on edge?
When the person you are dealing with sees that you are calm despite whatever he/she is doing,
you will start getting their attention.

2. Understand the person's intentions.


I'd like to believe that no one is difficult for the sake of being difficult. Even when it may seem that
the person is just out to get you, there is always some underlying reason that is motivating them to
act this way. Rarely is this motivation apparent. Try to identify the person's trigger: What is making
him/her act in this manner? What is stopping him/her from cooperating with you? How can you
help to meet his/her needs and resolve the situation?

3. Get some perspective from others.


In all likelihood, your colleagues, managers and friends must have experienced similar situations
in some way or another. They will be able to see things from a different angle and offer a different
take on the situation. Seek them out, share your story and listen to what they have to say. You
might very well find some golden advice in amidst of the conversation.
4. Let the person know where you are coming from.
One thing that has worked for me is to let the person know my intentions behind what I am doing.
Sometimes, they are being resistant because they think that you are just being difficult with them.
Letting them in on the reason behind your actions and the full background of what is happening
will enable them to empathize with your situation. This lets them get them on-board much easier.

5. Build a rapport.
With all the computers, emails and messaging systems, work sometimes turn into a mechanical
process. Re-instill the human touch by connecting with your colleagues on a personal level. Go
out with them for lunches or dinners. Get to know them as people, and not colleagues. Learn more
about their hobbies, their family, their lives. Foster strong connections. These will go a long way in
your work.

6. Treat the person with respect.


No one likes to be treated as if he/she is stupid/incapable/incompetent. If you are going to treat the
person with disrespect, it's not going to be surprising if he/she treats you the same way as well. As
the golden rule says, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

7. Focus on what can be actioned upon.


Sometimes, you may be put into hot soup by your difficult colleagues, such as not receiving a
piece of work they promised to give or being wrongly held responsible for something you didn't do.
Whatever it is, acknowledge that the situation has already occurred. Rather than harp on what you
cannot change, focus on the actionable steps you can take to forward yourself in the situation.

8. Ignore.
If you have already tried everything above and the person is still not being receptive, the best way
might be to just ignore. After all, you have already done all that you can within your means. Get on
your daily tasks and interface with the person only where needed. Of course, this isn't feasible in
cases where the person plays a critical role in your work - which leads us to our last tip.

9. Escalate to a higher authority for resolution.


When all else fails, escalate to your manager. This is considered the trump card and shouldn't be
used unless you've completely exhausted your means. Sometimes, the only way to get someone
moving is through the top-down approach, especially in bureaucratic organizations. Be careful not
to exercise this option all the time as you wouldn't want your manager to think that you are
incapable of handling your own problems. I have done this several times in my previous job and I
found it to be the most effective in moving people who just refuse to cooperate otherwise

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