taek a wile 2 cawnt.
24 An Ceiling Cat sayed,
The Book of Genesis
Genesis 1
Boreded Ceiling Cat makinkgz Urf
n stuffs
O h hai. In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat
maded teh skiez An da Urfs, but he did not
eated dem. 2 Da Urfs no had shapez An
haded dark face, An Ceiling Cat rode
invisible bike over teh waterz. 3 At start, no
has lyte. An Ceiling Cat sayz, i can haz lite?
An lite wuz. 4 An Ceiling Cat sawed teh lite,
to seez stuffs, An splitted teh lite from dark
but taht wuz ok cuz kittehs can see in teh
dark An not tripz over nethin. 5 An Ceiling
Cat sayed light Day An dark no Day. It were
FURST!!!1 6 An Ceiling Cat sayed, im in ur
waterz makin a ceiling. But he no yet make a
ur. An he maded a hole in teh Ceiling. 7 An
Ceiling Cat doed teh skiez with waterz down
An waterz up. It happen. 8 An Ceiling Cat
sayed, i can has teh firmmint wich iz funny
bibel naim 4 ceiling, so wuz teh twoth day. 9
An Ceiling Cat gotted all teh waterz in ur
base, An Ceiling Cat hadz dry placez cuz
kittehs DO NOT WANT get wet. 10 An
Ceiling Cat called no waterz urth and waters
oshun. Iz good. 11 An Ceiling Cat sayed, DO
WANT grass! so tehr wuz seedz An stufs, An
fruitzors An vegbatels. An a Corm. It happen.
12 An Ceiling Cat sawed that weedz ish
good, so, letz there be weedz. 13 An so teh
threeth day jazzhands. 14 An Ceiling Cat
sayed, i can has lightz in the skiez for splittin
day An no day. 15 It happen, lights everwear,
like christmass, srsly. 16 An Ceiling Cat
doeth two grate lightz, teh most big for day,
teh other for no day. 17 An Ceiling Cat screw
tehm on skiez, with big nails An stuff, to lite
teh Urfs. 18 An tehy rulez day An night.
Ceiling Cat sawed. Iz good. 19 An so teh
furth day w00t. 20 An Ceiling Cat sayed,
waterz bring me phishes, An burds, so kittehs
can eat dem. But Ceiling Cat no eated dem.
21 An Ceiling Cat maed big fishies An see
monstrs, which wuz like big cows, except
they no mood, An other stuffs dat mooves,
An Ceiling Cat sawed iz good. 22 An Ceiling
Cat sed O hai, make bebehs kthx. An dont
worry i wont watch u secksy, i not that kynd
uf kitteh. 23 An so teh...fith day. Ceiling Cat
1
i can has MOAR living stuff, mooes, An
creepie tings, An otehr aminals. It happen so
tehre. 25 An Ceiling Cat doed moar living
stuff, mooes, An creepies, An otehr animuls,
An did not eated tehm. 26 An Ceiling Cat
sayed, letz us do peeps like uz, becuz we ish
teh qte, An let min p0wnz0r becuz tehy has
can openers. 27 So Ceiling Cat createded teh
peeps taht waz like him, can has can openers
he maed tehm, min An womin wuz maeded,
but he did not eated tehm. 28 An Ceiling Cat
sed them O hai maek bebehs kthx, An p0wn
teh waterz, no waterz An teh firmmint, An
evry stufs. 29 An Ceiling Cat sayed, Beholdt,
the Urfs, I has it, An I has not eated it. 30 For
evry createded stufs tehre are the fuudz, to
the burdies, teh creepiez, An teh mooes, so
tehre. It happen. Iz good. 31 An Ceiling Cat
sayed, Beholdt, teh good enouf for releaze as
version 0.8a. kthxbai.
Genesis 2
A n teh skyz an teh Urfs wur finishd, an al
teh stufz in dem, an Ceiling Cat was liek al
tired an stuf. 2 An on teh 7f day Ceiling Cat
got dun makingks al dat stuf; an he restd on
teh 7f day cuz he wuz pooped fum al dat
wrking an not liek havng imself ulone. An he
not get payd ovrtym eiver. 3 Ceiling Cat
blesd teh 7f day, an sed itz teh h0liez0rz; cuz
dats when he restd fum all his werk wich
Ceiling Cat creatd an maed. Yay holy
Caturday!
Adam An Eve
4 Iz how teh skyz an Urfs wur maed, wen
Ceiling Cat pwnt. 5 Urfs no can has plantz n
treez n catnipz n stuff yet, cuz Ceiling Cat no
can maek rainz, but iz ok for kittehs DUNT
LYKEZ wetfurz. An ther wuznt ne man to
mek farmz n stuf; cuz teh clowds wur al
happie an dint feel liek cryin, wich wuz ok to
cuz umbrellaz wuznt inventd yet. 6 But teh
fogz caem in liek in Frisco an waterd teh
grownd so teh plantz wud be ok wen Ceiling
Cat madez dem. 7 An Ceiling Cat madez
kitteh owt ov teh flore dust, an breathd intew
his nawstrils teh bref uv life, wich wuz sorta
liek doin cpr on a mudpy, but it wuz al gud. 8
An Ceiling Cat plantz gardun eastwad, in
eden; an ther he put teh kitteh he madez. (i
dono hows he figurd out it wuz east, cuz ther
wuznt no cumpasez yet an no mapz eether.) 9
An Ceiling Cat madez evry tre dat iz prity, an
gud fur fud; teh tre ov lief wuz in teh gardun
to, an teh tre ov teh nawlej ov gud an evul n
stuff. man askd Ceiling Cat to makez a kooki
tree, an Ceiling Cat madze it. but he eated it.
(no 1 had thot of cheezburgr tre yet.) 10 An a
big rivr went owt ov eden to watr teh gardun;
an zen it splitzd up ntew 4 rivrz wth srsly
weerd namez. 11 Teh naem ov teh 1th iz
pishon (did u sneez? blez u! ): dat wun runz
arownd teh hol land ov havilah wich haz a lot
ov gold cheezburgerz; 12 An teh gold
cheezbugerz ov dat land iz gud (but u cant
eatz it): ther iz bdellium an teh onyx stone.
(but u cant eatz dat eiver. An wut teh hek is
bdellium?) 13 An teh naem ov teh 2th rivr iz
gihon: dat wun runz arownd teh hol land ov
cush wich is vry comfy plaec. 14 An teh
naem ov teh 3th rivr iz hiddekel: dat wun
runz n frunt ov asyria. An teh 4f rivr iz teh
euphrateez (ware teh ppl acused eech oter ov
"yu afraed ov tese?".) 15 An Ceiling Cat tuk
teh man, an put im ntew teh gardun ov eden
tew takez cares ovs it cuz Ceiling Cat wuz
stil poopd and wantedz anotr day off. 16 An
Ceiling Cat sed to teh man, ov evury tre in
teh gardin iz ok u eatz: 17 But of teh tre of
teh nawlej of gud an evl n stuff, you not eatz
cuz wen u eatz taht tre i fur sure mek u ded.
Srsly. kthxbye. 18 An Ceiling Cat sed, teh
man is alown an dat iz bad; he needz frendz
so i wil maek him a gud help fo him. (i iz gud
at stuf liek taht. srsly. An it will keepz him
outta trubbel.) 19 An owt ov teh grownd
Ceiling Cat madez al teh aminals on teh urfs
an in teh see, an al teh burdz up in sky (an
sum liek ostrijes who cudnt flyz, just fur fun).
(Ceiling Cat is raely good at makingz mud
pies. srsly.) An brot them untew teh man to c
what he wud cal tehm: an wut teh man caled
evry living aminal, dat wuz its naim. (if they
didnt like it, tuff tamales, they wuz stuck wif
it.) 20 An teh man gave namez to al teh
aminals, an to teh burdies of sky (an to teh
onez who cudnt flyz) an teh aminals in teh
see, (so vey wudnt feel levt out), an to evry
aminal in teh feeld (an in da hows, like
kittehs); but fer man wuznt no gud helpr fo
him, not evun anyonez to tak to in chatroom.
21 An Ceiling Cat caused a deep sleep to fal
upawn teh man, an he sleeped; an he tuk one
of his ribs, cuz it has a flavr. 22 An Ceiling
Cat can haz teh rib frum man maded into
2
wimman, but did not eated it cuz he brot her
to teh man. He sai O hai, I maded u a man
but wifout long hare. Hav fun, kthxbai. 23
Teh man saiz,
"Dese bonez iz mai bonez an dis
meatz r mai meatz; I calz her "whoa
man", k cuz she wuz in ur chest taken
ur ribs. Srsly"
24 So man muv out da baesment an lives wif
da womenz, an be all u can puts your
toofbrush nexta mine an I no eats you.
an da manz sez orly da womenz sez ya
rly an da manz sez no wai an da
womenz sez wai
25 and teh man and teh woman weared
invisible close!
Genesis 3
Bad Kittehs
N ao teh snakez wuz mor shneakay den
any beest ov teh field (or hows) which
Ceiling Cat had maded. An he meowed unto
teh woah man kitteh, liek I herd that Ceiling
Cat said, u shall not eated frum any tree ov
teh garden? Even dem trees on dat plate? 2
An teh woman said unto teh snakez, i can haz
froot ov teh garden! 3 but ov teh fruit ov teh
tree which iz in teh midel ov teh garden,
Ceiling Cat sez, dun eatz it cuz if u eatz it he
mek u ded. 4 An teh snakez sed unto teh
womenz, he no mek u ded: 5 4 Ceiling Cat
noes dat, teh dai u eat dat froot, den u gon b
able to c, An u be liek Ceiling Cat, knowin
gud An evil an stuf. An dis froot, it has a
flavr, srsly, liek cheezburgerz! 6 An when teh
woman saw dat teh tree wuz gud 4 fud with
flavr an everything, An dat it wuz cool 2 teh
eyez, An dat teh tree wuz 2 b desird 2 make
man wise, she nom nom nom its froot; An
she gaev sum 2 Adam, An he eated da froot
(An srsly it was teh best, teh no liin abowt da
taist). 7 An teh eyez ov them both were
opend, An they knew dat theyz were showin
teh nakedz An stuff cuz Ceiling Cat didnt
gaev dem no furz liek teh aminals; An they
sewd sum fig-leavez togethr, An made
themselvez clofs. Eve even maed firs thong
but was vry vry ichy. srsly. 8 An they heard
teh meowz ov Ceiling Cat walkin throu teh
garden in teh kewl ov teh dai: An teh man An
his wife hided themselvez fum Ceiling Cat
amongst teh treez ov teh garden. 9 An
Ceiling Cat calld unto teh man, An meowed
unto him, "wuzzat? wut u just NOM NOM
NOMd? It srsly gud?" 10 An he said, i heard
yo voice in teh garden, An i wuz scareded,
because i wuz NOMin An stuff; An i hided
and did not want 4 u to see meh NOMin
kthx. 11 An he said, hoo told u dat u was ta
NOM teh holy fud? I waz injoyin watchin
you be not NOMin. Did youz eated ov teh
tree, dat I told u dat iz not ok u eatz ov? 12
An teh man said, teh woman u gave me saw
teh tree An told 'bout it to me. At first I was
liek "Noes!" but then, I was layk NOM NOM
NOM. srsly. 13 An Ceiling Cat said unto teh
woman, wat did u dun? An teh woman said,
teh snakez playdid dirty trick on me, An i
eated it. It taysts gud, but that not poynt. 14
An Ceiling Cat sed unto teh snakez, "cuz u
did dis,
cursd u aboov all teh moocows, An
aboov every one of those 4 leggd
things that sumwun maked round
here; upon ur belly u gun walk An I
gun take ur legs An geev them to teh
French 2 eatz An this is wut they gun
eatz An they gun call it "Frawgs
leegz", An dust shalt u NOMin. srsly
all teh dais ov ur life An u no getz no
cookies to eated. An no cheezburgers
neither. Srsly.
15 An im gonna put liek badnis An stuff
tween u An teh woman, An tween yr
seedz An her seedz; he shall broose ur
head, An u gun broose his heel.
16 Unto teh woman he said,
"im gun make ure babiez hurt alot An
cause pain An hurtynis An stuff; in
pain u gun brin forth childrenz. An ur
badnes shall b 2 ur husband, An he
gun pwn u and ask for beers and
sammiches."
17 An unto adam he said, because u hast
listend to her An hast eated teh tree wut i
tellz u U NO NOMZ!
"cursd iz teh grownd cuz of u An u is
b wrkin ur buttz off ur hol life An
3
makin cheezburgers will be vry hard
now srsly.
18 thorns also An thistlez gun it brin forth 2
u;
An u gun eat teh herb ov teh field dat
u wrkd ure butt off fur. (but all teh
good weedz dat iz liek catnipz 4 peepz
is b illegalz An stuff lol);
19 in teh sweatz ov ur face
u gun eat bread An u no can has
cheezburgerz n Gatorade, till u return
unto teh ground like when poopz r
buried in litterz, 4 out ov it wast thou
taken; 4 dust u r, An dust u gun
return."
20 An teh man calld his womenz name eve;
cuz she was teh mothr of all livn' and cuz if
he nameded her bertha he woulda benn lold
at all da tyme 21 An Ceiling Cat maded 4
adam An 4 his wife coats ov skeens, An
clothid 'em. 22 An Ceiling Cat said, behold,
teh man iz become as 1 ov us , 2 knoe gud
An evil; An nao, lest he put forth his hand,
An taek teh cheezburgerz ov teh tree ov life,
An eat, An liv 4 evr mor. 23 Ther4 Ceiling
Cat sent him forth fum teh garden ov eden, 2
till teh grawnd fum where he wuz took. An it
suxxd cuz ther wasnt no uniteded farmwrkar
union. 24 So he pwnzordz teh man; An he
placeded at teh east ov teh garden ov eden
teh cherubim An stuff, An teh flaming (lol)
sword which turned everywherez (an if yu
evar caem up 2 teh sword den it wuld flaem u
on teh intarwebs an u wuldnt git no cookies
or cheezburgerz eithr, srsly).
Genesis 4
Cain an Abel
A n teh mahn an hiz wyfe wuz PENIS
GOES WHERE, An she is has teh kid cain. 2
An ugen she iz haz hiz brothr abel. An abel
wuz keepr ov teh mooses, but cain wuz farmr
and growed much froots and catnips. 3 An
after awhile cain brought sum ov teh froots
ov teh ground for an offerin unto Ceiling Cat,
cuz he just got off Atkins. 4 An abel, he also
brought teh first meets ov his mooses (An ov
teh fat of em cuz teh mooses are on Atkins.)
An he made teh 1st cheezburger An gaev it to
teh Ceiling Cat. 5 An Abel gaev to Ceiling
Cat his Pokemans. An Ceiling Cat liekd abel
and his fudz and his pokemans 6 But cain to
his offerin he had no liekd. An Ceiling Cat
sed, do not want. cuz u didnt makez cookies
out ov it, An besiedz u didnt bringz me any
catnipz. An cain wuz mad, An got all liek sad
and stuff. 7 An Ceiling Cat said unto cain,
HAY! Wuts wit da tood? An y iz u all liek
sad an stuff? 8 If u do gud, isn't it gunna go
up? An if u doest not well, sin croucheth at
teh door: it wants to has you, but you hafta
maik it go away. 9 An cain told abel his
bruda wut happnd. An one day when they
were out in da field, cain got all up in abels
face, An totally pwnd him. 10 An Ceiling Cat
said "cain, where iz mah abel???"
An cain sed, "i dun no. excsues me i iz
not camping abel all teh time kthx."
11 An he was liek wtf? ur dead bruda iz
mewin frum undr teh carpt. (Ceiling Cat haz
totally xlnt hearing An stuf.) 12 K so nao
cursd r u fum teh carpt, whichz opend its
mouth to receiv ur bruda's harbls frum ur
hand; 13 When yous plowen teh urf, it gonna
b hard n stuffz; fugitiev n wanderr youz bees
in da urf. An its gonna sux cuz therz no
united farmwrkr yoonyun yet. 14 An cain sed
unto Ceiling Cat, dis sux. 15 Behold, u kick
me from teh urf an killz me an i haz no iteh
bitteh kitteh committeh, an' i'm dumd wit
evry1, even n00bs will pwnz meh. 16 An
Ceiling Cat said unto him, therefore
whosoevr pwnz cain, i will pwnz him OVER
9000x. An Ceiling Cat makz sign for cain, so
iz nobodys findin him shud pwnz him. 17 An
cain rode away on hiz invisible bicycle away
frum Ceiling Cat, An dwelt in da land ov
nod, to da rite ov eden. 18 An cain knew his
wife (cuz Adam n Eve haz dottaz hu sonz
cans marry but I didnt tell u yets); An she is
has teh kid enoch: An cain builded city, An
callded teh name ov teh city enoch 2 cuz he
think enoch rulz. 19 An xunto enoch wuz
born irad: An irad is has teh kid mehujael:
An mehujael is has teh kid methushael; An
methushael is has teh kid lamech. Not all at
saym taim, tho. 20 An lamech took unto him
two wivez (c i told u Ceiling Cat cud makez
more grrrlz!!!1!): teh name ov teh one wuz
adah, An teh name ov teh othr zillah. 21 An
adah is has teh kid jabal: An he An his kidz
got to campz out in tents liek it wuz
4
vacayshun but they had to chase after all teh
moocows An sheeps an stuff so maybe it
wasnt that much fun after all. 22 An his
brothr's name wuz jubal: An he An his kidz
maded all the tunez An stuff An invented the
ipod, (wifout lectricity or nuthin, Ceiling Cat
waz gettin rael good at doin mirakels). 23 An
zillah, she also has teh kid tubal-cain, An he
An his kidz maded all teh knifes An swordz
An razrbladez An other sharp metal stuf: An
teh sistr ov tubal-cain wuz naamah. 24 An
lamech said unto his wivez,
"adah An zillah, hear mah voice; u
wivez ov lamech, listenz unto mah
speechs. for i has pwn3d sum d00d
for woundin me, sum kitteh for
bruisin me:
25 If cain shall b avengd 7x,
truly lamech 77x."
26 An adam knew his wife again; An she is
has teh son, An calld his name seth. 4, said
she, Ceiling Cat gaev me anothr kid instead
ov abel; 4 cain pwnd him. 27 An 2 seth, 2
him also thar wuz born son; An he calld his
name enosh. den began men 2 say hai to
Celing Cat moar often n stuff.
Genesis 5
Frum Adam to Noah
D is iz teh book ov teh generashuns ov
adam. in da dai dat Ceiling Cat creatd manz,
in da likenes ov Ceiling Cat him maked dem
but he didnt gaev any furz liek teh moocows
so wud has 2 wear cloths An evry1 knoes
cats dont liek to wear cloths so that wuz 1
mor mean Ceiling Cat did 2 teh peepz.
(Nowza boarin part. Lotza nummers. u can
skip, me no cayr.) 2 Boi An gurl creatd himz,
an givd cheezburgrz, An calld their naim
adam (teh peeps who rited this bibel wantz to
b raely shur u knowz ther naim, srsly!), in da
dai when dey gots creatd. 3 An adam livd
100 An 30 yeers, An maded son in hims own
likenes, aftr his luukz; An calld name seth: 4
An teh dais ov adam aftr him maded seth waz
800 yeers: An him maded lotsa kidz. 5 An all
teh dais dat adam livd waz 900 An 30 yeers:
An him got ded. 6 An seth livd 100 An 5
yeers, An maded enosh: 7 An seth livd aftr
him maded enosh 800 An 7 yeers, An maded
lotsa kidz: 8 An all teh dais ov seth waz 900
An 12 yeers: An him got ded. 9 An enosh
livd ninety yeers, An maded kenan. 10 An
enosh livd aftr him maded kenan 800 An 15
yeers, An maded lotsa kidz: 11 An all teh
dais ov enosh waz 900 An 5 yeers: An him
got ded. 12 An kenan livd 70 yeers, An
maded mahalalel: 13 An kenan livd aftr him
maded mahalalel 800 An 40 yeers, An maded
lotsa kidz: 14 An all teh dais ov kenan waz
900 An 10 yeers: An him got ded. 15 An
mahalalel livd 60 An 5 yeers, An maded jard:
16 An mahalalel livd aftr him maded jard 800
An 30 yeers, An maded lotsa kidz: 17 An all
teh dais ov mahalalel waz 800 ninety An 5
yeers: An him got ded. 18 An jard livd 100
An 60 An 2 yeers, An maded enoch: 19 An
jard livd aftr him maded enoch 800 yeers, An
maded lotsa kidz: 20 An all teh dais ov jard
waz 900 An 60 An 2 yeers: An him got ded.
21 An enoch livd 60 An 5 yeers, An maded
methuselah: 22 An enoch walkd wif Ceiling
Cat aftr him maded methuselah 300 yeers,
An maded lotsa kidz: 23 An all teh dais ov
enoch waz 300 An 60 An 5 yeers: 24 An
enoch hung out wif Ceiling Cat alot An him
didnt gets ded liek evry1 els. him flyed up in
invisibul airplayn 2 b wif Ceiling Cat 4evr.
25 An methuselah livd 100 An 80 An 7
yeers, An maded lamech: 26 An methuselah
livd aftr him maded lamech 700 An 80 An 2
yeers, An maded lotsa kidz. 27 An all teh
dais ov methuselah waz 900 An 60 An 9
yeers (srsly!): An him got ded. 28 An lamech
livd 100 An 80 An 2 yeers, An maded son:
29 An him calld hims name noah, sayin, dis
cans gived comfort us in r werk An in da toil
ov r hanz, which camed becuz ov teh urth
Ceiling Cat havded cursd. 30 An lamech livd
aftr him maded noah 500 An 90 An 5 yeers,
An maded lotsa kidz: 31 An all teh dais ov
lamech waz 700 An 70 An 7 yeers: An him
got ded. 32 An noah wuz 500 yeers old: An
noah maded shem An ham (who wuz not
lunch meet lol) An japheth.
Genesis 6
A n when men begun 2 begats kidz on teh
urf, dey had dawters. wich is gud cuz Ceiling
Cat still wudnt let dem masturbate. 2 An teh
sons ov Ceiling Cat saw taht teh dawters ov
5
mens wer rly hot An sexy; An dey sed
"PENIS GOES WHERE?" An dey had sexxs
but no buttsecks cuz it wuznt inventd yet. 3
An Ceiling Cat sed, i no fites wif ppl 4evr so
i no lets tehm liv 4evr: aftr wiel dey wil getz
ded. htey is stil thinkx dey can livs long tiem
but i givs dem only 1 liefs insted ov 9 liek teh
kittehs. so tehre. 4 An sum wierd d00dz calld
Nephilim wer in teh urfs in dose dais to
scroos teh Creationists, An also aftr dat,
when teh sons ov Ceiling Cat An dawters ov
men did PENIS GOES WHERE?! but still no
buttsecks, An they begats kidz. An teh kidz
were badass powrful liek superman An
wonder woman An all teh avatars in WoW,
An dey wer all famous An stuf. 5 An Ceiling
Cat saw dat teh ppl on teh urfs wuz all
wikkid An mean An evil, An dat ppl thot ov
wikkid mean evil stuf all teh tiem. An they
rited wikkidpedia so evry1 wud knoes how 2
b all wikkid An mean An evil. 6 An Ceiling
Cat wuz rly sry dat he had madez ppl on teh
urf, An it maded him all sad An pissed off An
stuff. 7 An Ceiling Cat sed im gonna pwnz
all teh ppl An aminals what i has maded on
teh urf; ppl An moo cows An creepy crawlyz
An burdz ov teh skyz An burdz liek ostridges
An stuf who cant flyz; cuz i so sry i maded
them. 8 But Ceiling Cat liekd noah alot. 9
This is story about noah. noah wuz rightchus
d00d, An liek mor rightchus then any1 els.
noah hung out wif Ceiling Cat alot An
lissend 2 tunez An played pokemons An
stuff.. An sum tiems Ceiling Cat even letz
him winz cuz he liekd him alot. 10 An noah
begat 3 sons, shem, ham, An japheth. but i
alrdy told u that. 11 An teh urf wuz corruptd
An messed up, An teh urfs wuz filld wif
meanies. 12 An Ceiling Cat saw teh urf, An
saw taht it wuz corruptd cuz all teh ppl had
fuxxxxd it up. 13 An Ceiling Cat sed 2 noah,
i iz gonna pwnz the whole urf cuz teh urf has
mor evilz An vilents then WoW An grand
theft auto. so im gonna pwnz tehm An teh
whole urfs. all teh filez in ppls hedz iz all
corruptd An dey keep emailin em 2 all ther
frendz. i should haev kept it in Beta longr :(
An inventd mcafee An nortonz An stuff to
keep out trojan snake wormz An viruses An
rootkitz An stuf liek that. 14 Make gynormus
bote calld ark ov gophr wud; maek roomz in
teh ark, An cover it wif tar on teh insidez An
outsiedz. An noah sed wait a minit u cant
getz wood frm gophrs, u has 2 use treez. An
Ceiling Cat sed i can callz a tree a gophr if i
wantz cuz i iz Ceiling Cat. so stfu An go getz
ur hammerz An sawz An stuff. An noah sed
k, brb. 15 An Ceiling Cat sed dis iz how u
makez teh ark: teh length ov teh ark 300
cubits An teh width ov it 50 cubitz An teh
hite ov it 30 cubits. An noah sed wtf iz a
cubit An Ceiling Cat sed stfu again. so noah
did. 16 maek sum windoze (but not teh
µ!¢®0$0ƒ+ kind) in teh ark 2 cubitz
hai An mek teh door in teh side. An maek it
wif 1th, 2th, An 3th storiez. 17 An see, i
makez teh flood ov waters upon teh hole urf,
2 pwnz all teh ppl An aminals An stuffz An
evrythin in teh hol urfs iz gets ded. 18 But i
iz taeks care ov u An keeps u safe cuz i lieks
u alot. An u can haz ride in teh ark, u An ur
sons An ur wief An ur sons wifez 2. 19 An u
taeks 2 ov every kind ov aminal into teh ark,
2 keep them aliv wif u (even teh goggies);
An mek shur dey r male An femael so dey
can meks mor aminals after dey leavs teh ark
but i wont letz dem do PENIS GOES
WHERE?! on teh ark cuz mor aminals wud
mek it 2 crouded. 20 Taek all kinds of teh
birdz, An ov teh moocows, An ov teh creepy
crawlyz on teh urf, 2 ov evry kind. but dont
worry about teh fishz, dey can swimz gud. 21
An taek teh f00dz dat all teh ppl An aminals
lieks 2 eatz, An gathr it up; An it shall b 4
fud 4 u, An 4 them. An noah sed thers gonna
b lotz ov poopi to shuvl wif all dem aminals
An stuff, An Ceiling Cat sed stfu i iz givez
dem all rael bad constipashun so dont worry
about it. An noah sed k and stfu'd. 22 so noah
did evry thin Ceiling Cat tellz him, bein a
gud boi bcuz he had to stfu.
Genesis 7
C eiling Cat den said 2 Noah, "Liek goes
into teh ark, joo and joo kittens, cuz joo coolz
an' righteous an' stuff. In dis generashun. 2
taek wif u 7 of evry kind ov clean moo cow,
male an' its wife, an 2 ov evry kind of
unclean moo cow, male an' its mate. 3 An'
also 7 ov evry kind ov burd, male an' female
cuz teh burdz are scaredz of teh
commitments, an' also 7 ov evry kind ov
burd, male an' female (for teh saem reason) 2
keep their various kindz livin throughout teh
earthz. 4 7 daiz and frum nao I;m gonna send
teh wetness on teh earthz. A little advize,
probabliez a gud idea to keep 'em seperatez
so teh moo cows don't haev an episode of
"PENIS GOES WHERE?" until joo get der. 4
6
For 4ty daiz and 4ty nites, it gon b wet and I
gun pwn some n00bs.." 5 Pwned! 6 An' Noah
did what Ceiling Cat told im to, and installed
dry wall between teh moo cows and his sons
and his dawters so dey would not do nething
liek to maek cowz go "PENIS GOES
WHERE?!?" during teh 4ty daiz. 7 Noah was
liek rlyz old when teh wetness came. 8 An'
noah and his kittehs enterd teh ark so tehy
wouldn't get teh wetness in their furz. 9 All
teh moo cows and teh other stuff Ceiling Cat
(who talkz forever 'bout nutin) saidz 10 male
an' female, came 2 Noah and he dun put them
in teh ark, as Ceiling Cat commandd him. 11
An' after teh seven daiz teh wetness came. 12
In da liek 6 hunderd year of Noah's lief, on
teh sevententh dai ov teh second munth-on
dat dai all teh spreengs ov teh grate deepz
liek spewed teh waterz on teh urf and teh
floodgatez ov teh heavenz wuz opend. 13 An'
teh wetnessez came to teh urf an' it was all
wet. 14 On dat der dai, teh sons of Noahz,
Shem teh Jew, Japheth teh white guy, and
Ham teh blak guy wif der wivez, 15 Tehy
hads evry kind of animal two 'cordin to it's
kind, all moo cows 'cordin to it's kind, evry
creachur dat mooves on teh grawnd 'cordin 2
its kind an' evry burd 'cordin 2 it's kind,
evrythin wif wings too 'cordin 2 all der kindz.
16 pairs ov all creaturez dat has teh breath ov
life in them came 2 noah an' enterd teh ark.
17 teh animals goin in wuz male an' femail
ov evry livin ting, as Ceiling Cat had toldd
Noah. xcept 4 teh unicornz. And teh drag0nz
and stuffs. Ceiling Cat sed 'DO NOT WANT'.
and dey stayd out ov teh ark. den Ceiling Cat
shut him in, and wuz liek 'k, ttyl'. 18 4 4t dais
teh flood kept comin on teh urfz, an' as teh
waters increasd they liftd teh ark high aboov
teh urfz. 19 teh watahs rose an' rose and
rosed on teh urfz, an' teh ark floatd on teh
watrs. 20 thei rised greatlee on teh urfz, an'
all teh high mowntins undr teh entir heavens
wuz covrd. 21 teh watrs rose an' coverd teh
mowntinz 2 depth ov moar dan twenty feetz
OMFGWTFBBQ!!1! 22 evry livin thin dat
movd on teh urfz perishd — burdz, moo
cows, wild animalz, all teh creeturz dat
swarm ovah teh urfz, an' all pplz. not catz
doh. Ceiling Cat luvz catz. Plus catz hates
getting wet. 23 evryting on dri land dat had
teh breth ov life in itz nostrilz dyed. 24 evry
livin thin on teh face ov teh urfz wuz wipd
out; d00dz an' animalz an' teh creeturz dat
moov along teh ground an' teh burdz ov teh
air wuz wipd frum teh urfz. only Noah wuz
left, an' dose wif him in da ark. 25 teh watrz
floodd teh urfz 4 hundrd an' fifty dais.
Genesis 8
B ut Ceiling Cat sees Noah guy n teh
aminulz n teh cowes taht mooes n Ceiling
lieks teh mans, even th0 [a] evry inklnashun
of his heart is evl from wen he wuz a kittehn.
No moar I lukz at teh mans and sez "Do not
want!" 22 "So liek teh urfz iz forevr n evr,
teh plants groes, iz frozes and teh
hots, teh hots and teh frozes, teh day
and teh no day goes forevr n ever."

Cat makes teh windz com n teh watrz iz no

moar. 2 Teh watrz iz no moar in teh skyz, k? Genesis 9
3 Teh watrz goz wayz from teh beeg sanboks.
At teh end of teh hunert n fiddy dayz teh
watrz iz awl goz wayz, 4 n on teh 7teenth day
of teh 7 munz teh big bote getz stuk on beeg
T eh Ceiling Cat blezt Noah and hes sunz,
and sed to theys: “Haf lawt sexytime n b
rokz calt Ararat. 5 Teh watrz kipz goin wayz frootful n fill up teh urthz" 2 Teh aneemals
til teh 10 munz, n on teh first day of teh 10 wil be rly scured of u. I mak dem be pwned
munz teh tops of teh beg roks can seez. 6 4ty by u guyz, lol. 3 If it mvs, it kin be et. Even if
dayz latrz Noah guy openz teh window he it dun't—o hai plants. 4 Jst teh meet, doods.
hadz maed inna teh beeg bote 7 n senz out No bloods, kthx 5 Ifs u eets teh bloodz iz no
blak burd, n teh blak burdee kipz flying n flyn gud; teh aminulz noes can has teh bloodz an
til teh watrz iz all gon wayz from teh beeg teh mans noes can eets teh bloodz. An ifs u
sanboks. 8 Latrz Noah guy senz out wite pwns teh mans iz no gud--teh Ceiling Cat
burd so can see teh watrz all goes way from pwns u. 6 “Ifs you pwns da man,
beeg sanboks. 9 But teh wite burd no can fine
no plaze can setz itz feetz cuz stil plenny teh man pwns u, k? Teh man is liek
watrz in teh beeg sanboks; so wite burd go teh Ceiling Cat.
bak to to Noah guy in teh beeg bote. Noah
guy grabz teh wite burd n getz bak inna teh 7 Yah rly, can has teh hawt secks and teh
big bote. 10 Noah guy watz 7 moar daze n baybeez;
senz out teh wite burd from teh big bote. 11
When teh white burd iz com bak to him for Liek, tunnz baybeez, k? Evrywharez.”
teatiem, and sez "I can haz oliv leaf? srsly?"
8 Ceiling Cat sez to Noah an his kidz: 9 “Hay
Then Noah noes that teh watrz is goan out.
looks, u an me r liek teh bests frenz an I lieks
12 Noah wuz liek wateing sevvin daiz und
ur baybeez too, 10 An' teh aminulz u has: teh
sent mudkipz to see teh sandbocks, but teh
burdies, teh caws taht mooes, and teh otehr
mudkipz noes com bak. 13 Bymby, the watrz
aminulz, dem gives teh mooves off teh boats,
iz dried up and teh beeg sanbocks is nrly
k? 11 U and me r liek teh frenz: I no moar
cleened out. Noah is peekn and seen, 14 by
makez teh waterz comez; u noe gets wet no
teh 20An7 day of teh munf after teh
moar, k?” 12 Teh Ceiling Cat sez: “U noes
munfmonth the beeg sanbox is ready to
taht u and me are teh frenz and me and teh
youse! srsly. 15 und Ceiling Cat sed to teh
animulz r teh frenz forevr n evr becuz dis:
noah, 16 "GTFO, yous and yous wifez and
cuz Ceiling Cat pwns rpeat... 13 Visible
yous sunz and dere wifez. 17 mbring out all
Raynbo iz in teh skyz, k? U an me an
teh aminalz and all teh crawlies and all teh
evrywunz is teh frenz becuz teh raynbo r gr8.
burds, even the ones taht no fly —and let
14 Ifs u sees teh clowdz, u no kin sez, "Oh
tehm HARBL GOES WHERE ! and take
Noes! Teh waters comes!" becuz tehres teh
over teh wurld" 18 So Noah cam out to his
raynbo; 15 and I kin sez "OHai luk teh
sunz and wifez and all tehy wifez. 19 All teh
raynbo," becuz u and me and teh aminulz are
aminalz and all the crawliez and all the
hella gud frenz; I no makes teh waterz come.
burds, evin teh onz that no fly—evin teh
16 Teh raynbo will be in teh clowds and I
moocowz—came out of teh ark, leik in order,
rmberz taht u and me and teh aminuls iz stil
an stuuf. 20 And Noah and all teh aminalz
sum moar teh frenz.” 17 And Ceiling Cat sez
totes gave Ceiling Cat their Pokymons, even
to Noah, “Teh raynbo meens u and me are teh
their Charizzrds. 21 Teh Ceiling Cat peeped
frenz, k?”
teh charizzrds an sed: "No moar I sez I no

7
 Noah an his sunz
18 So diz d00d Noah has teh 3 sonz on teh
boatz. They has sum crazi namez all Shem
and Ham and Japheth or summin. Ham wuz
Canaan's daddi n nawt teh lunch meats. lol 19
newaiz frum deez 3 bros, all of teh worldz
was ppl-ated. 20 So liek Noah groes teh
grapez. 21 And Noah iz liek "Oh hai grapez"
and he drinkz teh grapez and drinkz teh moar
grapez and no moar haz teh cloethz on. 22
And Ham, Canaan's daddi and nawt teh lunch
meats, sees Noah and sez "Oh hai broes, he
haz teh invisible cloethz." 23 But Shem and
Japheth tooks sum cloethz n put dem on
Noah cuz he wuz drunkz. They clozd ther
eyez so they not sawn his peen n othr
nekidness. 24 So Noah wakez up wif teh
hangzover n he noes dat Ham shudda cut him
offa teh grapez 25 So liek Noah sez:
“Canaan iz teh stoopid; He iz a noob
of noobz And liek evrywun pwns him.
evn teh fat kid”
26 And he sez:
“Teh Ceiling Cat pwns, Teh Ceiling
Cat taht lieks Shem, And Shem pwns
Canaan.
27 Teh Ceiling Cat lieks Japheth,
He kin be in Shemz tentz, subjigaeting
hiz mans.”
28 So liek Noah keep livn three hunderd n
fifty years after teh waterz goez away 29 So
Noah becumz ded whenz he be OMG WTF
950???, wowzors but hez ded nao
Genesis 10
H ai, now thz be th recordz o th
genrashnz o Shem Ham an Jafef sonz o
Noah, and sonz born 2 thm fter th flud, sonz
wit duuuuum namz. 2 Sonz o Jafef wuz Pyle
an Magog-ogog an Madai an Javan an 2-bal
an Meshech an Tiraz. 3 Sonz o Pyle wuz
Ashkenaz an Rafaf and Togarmah. 4 Sonz o
Javan wuz Elishah Tarshish an Kitteh (yay!)
an Dodanim. 5 They each haz a bukkit;
bukkits be sorted cuz of how they talk n stuf.
6 Sonz o Ham wuz Cush an Miz'raim an Put
an Canaan. 7 Sonz o Cush wuz Seba an
8
Havilah (Nagilah) an Sabby-tah and Raamah
an Sabteca; an sonz o Raamah wuz Sheba
and D-dan. 8 Now Cush wuz dad o Nimrod;
he wuz big. 9 Nimrod wuz aggressive cat; an
so, iz said, "aggressive cat is aggressive." 10
Nimrod has a kingdom; kingdom has Babel
an Erech an Accad an Calneh, n Shiner. 11
An then he gotz n2 Assyria, has Nineveh an
Rehoboth-Ir an Calah, 12 an he bilt Resen in
da middle. 13 Enuff wit agressive cat.
Miz'raim wuz dad o Ludim an Anamim and
Lehabim and Nafuthim 14 an others; he wuz
busy! 15 Canaan wuz dad o Sidon and Heth
16 an sum more 17 an sum more 18 an sum
more, I forget. 19 Take da 1st left at Gerar
fter Sidon, go as far as Gaza, turnz to Sodom
an Gomorrah an Admah and Zeboiim, if u at
Lasha, u gone 2 far. 20 That wuz Ham. 21 An
2 Shem, he gotz sum kidz. 22 Shem gotz
Elam and Asshur an Arpachshad and Lud an
Aram. 23 An Aram gotz Uz and Hul an
Gether an Mash. 24 Arpachshad gotz a betur
name. 25 Eber gotz 2 sonz; 1 wuz Peleg, cuz
to him, aggressive cat wuz agressive, an
defensive cat wuz defensive; an he had a
brudder, hiz brudder's name wuz Joktan. 26
Joktan gotz some kidz, 27 kinda a lotz a kidz,
28 lotz a kidz, 29 an some more, yeah, he got
himz sum kidz. 30 Now take da 1st left at
Mesha 2 Sefar, an u c sum hillz in da east. 31
Bai Shem, 32 kthxbai.
Genesis 11
Teh Towur ov Babel
A nd all uv de Urf was lolcatspeekinkz
usin' lolcats werdz. 2 Whial teh menz be
movin' eest, they finded vallee in teh land uv
Shinar an sitted ther. 3 Dey sed "hai, letz
maek teh brix an make 'em harrd wif fiir." So
dey uzed brix for ston an bitumen (wtf izzat?)
for mortar. 4 Den dey sed "hai, letz maek reel
tall towerz for us so we be togethr forevr!" 5
So, Ceiling Cat comeded down an saw teh
men an ther towerz. 6 Den Ceiling Cat sez
"Oh noes, if they all togethr after mah hi
spot, they gonna get mah hi spot! 7 I gots'ta
confuzzle 'em and stop 'em!" 8 Dat's wai
Ceiling Cat pwned 'em an dragd 'em away
from ther towerz. Dey stop buldin' after dat. 9
So teh towerz wuz calld Babel cuz Ceiling
Cat made teh men babbul ther befor movin'
dem.
Babeez frum Shem thru Abraham
10 So liek lissen, dis here'z teh stuffs Shem
did. Two yeerz after teh Urfs wuz all fludz n'
stuff, Shem was liek a hunnerd yrz old, and
he finilly got doen to bizness makin teh
babeez. He namez furst babee Arpachshad.
11 Shem went an lived OMG ANOTHER
500 YRZ and madez more babeez. 12
Arpachshad only waeted 35 yrz before he
made babeez, and was teh dad ov Shelah. 13
Tehn Arphaxad lived OMG ANOTHER 403
YRZ and madez more babeez. 14 Shelah
only waeted 30 yrz before he goed PENIS
GOES WHARE?!, and was teh dad ov Eber.
15 Tehn Shelah lived 403 more yrz also and
madez more babeez 'cuz he dint want hiz dad
to show him up. 16 Eber waeted 34 yrz to has
babeez, and was teh dad o teh Peleg. 17 Tehn
Eber lived 430 more yrz and madez more
babeez jus to show hiz dad and grampz whoz
teh boss. 18 Peleg took afta grampa Shelah
an maed babeez at 30 yrz old, and was teh
dad ov Reu 19 But Peleg only lasted 209
more yrz, tho he maeded more babeez. 20
Reu went an did it at 32, and was teh dad ov
Serug. 21 Reu liveded only 207 yrz longer,
tho he too maeded more babeez. 22 At 30,
Serug maed babeez, and was teh dad ov
Nahor. 23 Serug only lasted 200 mor yrz, but
still maeded mor babeez. 24 Nahor beet his
daddies past and maed babeez at 29, and was
teh dad ov Terah. 25 Nahor also only liveded
to 119, but he too maeded other babeez. 26
Terah maeded teh babeez Abram, Nahor, and
Haran by teh tiem he was 70.
Teh Stry of Terah - Dun Wury, Iz
Short
27 So herez what Terah been doed. Liek wuz
sed, Terah maeded teh babeez Abram, Nahor,
and Haran. Haran maeded teh babee Lot. 28
Haran deided before his daddeh Terah, in his
hoemtawn Ur ov Chaldeans. 29 Abram an
Nahor gotz teh ladies; Abram gotz Sarai, an
Nahor gotz Milcah. Milcah's daddy was
Haran, who also had teh babee Iscah. 30 An
Sarai was liek "OMG I cant hav babeez! ;("
31 So den Terah tookded Abram, Lot, and
Sarai and ran off out ov Ur ov Chaldeans. He
ment to hed to Canaan, but dey stopded in
Haran. 32 Terah died dere in Haran afta 205
yrz.
9
Genesis 12
Ceiling Cat sez stuff to Abram
C eiling Cat sais to Abram, gowai. 2
Ceiling Cat sais I can mek u famous on teh
interwebs and u mek teh babiez and stuffs. 3
I leik dem who leik u, an I DO NOT WANT!
dem who DO NOT WANT! you, and I liekd
the south africa and the Iraq cuz you leik. 4
Abram n Lot gowai, and dey are old and
stuffs. 5 Abram takes all da monies and his
wyfe and all da babiez and sayd kthxbai. 6
Abram sees da invisible tree. 7 Ceiling Cat
sais all this base are belong to u. Abram
makeded Ceiling Cat a cookie. 8 Abrams can
has the base and can has house in teh base.
He makeded Cieling Cat a cookie agian. 9
Abrams explorded all his base.
Abram in his Egypt-base
10 But all his base no can has cheezburger,
and Abram has to gowai. 11 Abram gets to
the end of teh base and sais to da wife, ur in
my heart, stealing it. 12 Abrams sais that
those d00dz will want surpriz! buttsecks and
will maek me ded. 13 Abrams sais to da wyfe
tell dem ur my sister so dey DO NOT
WANT! surpriz! buttsecks and dey leik me.
14 Teh d00dz did want surpriz! buttsecks. 15
Da King wanted surpriz! buttsecks too and he
stolded Abrams wyfe. 16 Da King likeded
Abrams and said you can has bukkit and
lolwalrus too, and moocows and even peeple.
17 Ceiling Cat makeded the King sick where
pewpies come from. 18 Da King said to
Abrams you lieded to me. 19 Da King did not
want surpriz! buttsecks nymoar and sez take
ur wyfe and gowai. 20 Da King makeded
Abrams gowai and was in his base, stealin all
his stuffz.
Genesis 13
Ambram still in Ejipp, lol
A bram goed up from Ejipp to the Neggev
and him takez his woman and cheezburgerz
and bukketz and inviseble biek and L0t. 2
Abram had gots menny moocowz and
chikenz(notz freid) and piggs and such but
pigz wuz stil k cuz abram An hiz peepz
wuznt rly joos yet so kosher wuznt invntd
yet. he gots too lots of teh shynee coinz and
stuffz 3 he lef teh negev and rode teh
inviseble biek to and fro and goes to Bethel,
and is liek "oh hai", cuz his tentz and bukkets
were dere b4 4 An den Abram wuz liek
"CIELING CAT!!!!!!!!!!11111oneeleven" 5
And L0t, wit Abram haz his moocows and
piggs and homez and stuffz 6 But the urf no
can hold demz at same tyme, for their
moocows were too larj. 7 An Abram and L0t
wuz liek "MORTAL KOMBAT!!" An
Canaanites and Perizzites wuz ther 2 8
Abram and Lot was lyk "we no wants fite, we
iz BFF's and can has cheezburgers, 9 An teh
hole urf is larj liek really big hairball. we can
splitz up 10 L0t lukd at Jordan, seed it was
wet, liek teh Cieling Cat's garden of vejtiblez.
This was b4 Ceiling Cat PWNT Sodom and
Gomora 11 Lot lieked Cieling Cat's
backyard, he want, and haz all of jordan.
Abram no liek and goed bai. 12 Abram lives
on teh grass and sandbox of Canaan, while
L0t live in homez wif catboxz near Sodom.
13 An kittehs of Sodom are evul like puppehs
and talkin bad bout Ceiling Cat An iz keepz
on raedin wikkidpedia An ritin mor stuff in it
bout how 2 b mor eviler den puppehs. 14 An
Ceiling Cat sayz to Abram after Lot went bai,
"Look up, up, down, down, left, right, left,
right, b, a, select, start- 15 cuz dats teh code
for unlimited cheezburgers for you and yous
kittehs 16 An i will make your kittehs of
litter and urf, so litter kittehs could be
counted, huh? 17 so you goes and walks thru
my sandboxz, cuz i givez it all to u" 18 So
Abram moved his homez and goed to live by
teh really big treez and plants and grass of
Mamre at Hebron, where he makez a great
cheezburger shrine for teh Cieling Cat.
Genesis 14
L otz of kings liek Amrafel, Arioch,
Kedoror, and Tidal (who iz wet) 2 Other
bunch of kings leik Bera, and Birsha, and
Shinab, And Admah, and Shemeber, and
Bela's king, no leik other kings and
MORTAL KOMBAT!!@! 3 All bunch of
kings met in salty see's 4 For 12th years tey
suffer to Kedolomer, but 13th year they
Mortal Kombat!!!@# 5 14th year Kedolomer
and teh kingz, beated up teh Refaites in
10
bunch of sandboxz. 6 An teh Horites in
bumpy country Seir near real dry sandbox El
Paran. 7 tehy turn back an went to En
Mishpat, and they has whole base now of
Amalekites and Amorites in Hazazon Tamar.
8 Tehn Sodom king, and Gomora king and
Admah king and Zeloiim king and Bela king,
left 4 battlefield 2142, in Crevice Siddim. 9
Who no like Kedorlaomer and Tidal (he iz
still wet) and Amraphel and Arloch, 4 kings
gainst 5, cheating :( 10 In crevice Siddim wit
lotz sticky pits, When Sodom king and
Gomorrah king went bai they got suck in
sticky and messed up ther furz. 11 4 kings
sais I can has your catnipz and your
cheezburgers, kthxbai 12 Tehy grabd Lot and
his catnipz and cheezburgers, because he in
Sodom homez. 13 Sneaky Cat escaped and
told Abram (who lives in big treez with lots
of cheezburgers) 14 Abram sez "LEAVE
LOT ALONEz!!!!" 15 In dark Abram split
kitteh armeh and performed blitzkreig bop.
Chased to far away urth of Hobah 16 Abram
got back his cheezburgers and his catnip and
Lot with his catnip and cheezburgers (lots
and lots) and Sexxy lady kittehs and baby
kittehs 17 when abram got back he shared
cheezburgers with Sodom king 18
Melchizedek brunggd out snax and mulk, he
is BFF with Ceiling Cat 19 An He told
Abram you can has blessing, saying "blessed
can be Abram by Ceiling Cat, Creator of
cheezburgers and cookies and stuff" 20 And
blessed be Ceiling Cat soo high up,
Who bringz Goomba's and Foot
Soldiers." Then Abram gave him 10th
everthing.
21 Teh king of Sodom sayz 2 Abram, "i can
has teh kittehs, you keep teh catnip and
cheezburgers and stuff" 22 Abram said "No
Liek, raised paw to Ceiling Cat, soo high up,
creater of cheezburgers and catnip and urth
and stuffz, i has swared" 23 No Liek your
stuff, not yarn, not string, not thong, or shoes,
no wai U can sai "I made Abram Rich" 24 I
no take anyting but teh cheezburgers my
kittehs alredy eated.
Genesis 15
A n den, Abram can has dream of Cieling
Cat, and he sez
 "Don be fraidy cat Abram, i blocks
teh attacks, and den you can has
cheezburger"
2 but Abram wuz liek "Cieling Cat, i has no
kittehs to giv mah homez and sandboxz and
littrbox and such 3 with no kittehs, my
servants can has mah homez and stufs 4
Cieling Cat sez "STFU Abram, i can givez
you a kitteh to play WoW with" 5 He takes
Abram outside and is liek "look at teh starz
and hevenz, if yous can count them, so is ur
kittehs" 6 And Abram was liek srsly? All
cause Ceiling Cat is Righchus 7 He also says
"I iz Ceiling Cat, I give you lots and lots of
urfs to has" 8 Abram was leik "But how
Ceiling Cat, teh horde alredy has
possesions?" 9 An Ceiling Cat was leik
"Bring me moocow, goat and rams but only 3
yeerz old with a white burd and baby pidgun"
10 Abram brought teh moocow and teh got
and teh rams but he cutted them in half. Teh
burdz and pidgun were not. 11 Tehn evil
burdz came from the ceiling and eated dem.
Abram no liek and says you no can has. 12
Abram has sleep as sun goes down, but no
good, lots of nightmares (poor Abram). 13
An Ceiling Cat was liek, "ur kittehs will be
not knowed in nayshuns they no has, they
will be pwnt and slaved, tis bad, but dey will
come out with cheezburgers" 14 Ceiling Cat
says tho he will "make unwanted invisible
buttsecks with nayshuns dat make ure kittehs
pwnt. 15 u is not bad tho, u can has death at
old age with papa kittehs 16 but ur great-
great-grand kittehs will come back here, cuz
then sinz of Amorites reach critical mass" 17
Then it gots dark out, and there appeerz a
bucket with fire 18 An Cieling Cat sez "i give
all dis sandboxz and littrboxs to your kittehs,
and their kittehs kittehs and so on and so
forth 19 and teh littrboxs of Kenites,
Kenizzites, Kadmonites, 20 Hittites,
Perizzites, Rephaites, 21 Amorites,
Canaanites, Girgashites and Jebusites."
Genesis 16
Gud things happens soon, k?
S arai no can has kittehs. She can has
Jippshun bukkit holdr Hagar. 2 Sarai sez to
Abe, "Teh Ceiling Cat sez I no can haz
kittehs. Maybe Hagar can haz kittehs. Make
11
kittehs with Hagar." 3 Abram said kthanxbye.
4 10 yrz laterz, no srsly, he made kittehz wit
Hagar. Hagar got babeez in her and got
sasseh. 5 Sarai gotted madz at Abram. She
sed, "yr fawlt I is not happy. You and my
bukkit holdr made kittehs and kittehs made
her sasseh. The Invisible Man sez hooz rite. 6
Abe sed, "Shez YR bukkit holdr. No srsly."
So Sarai took Hagarz cheezeburgerz from her
and Hagar ran. 7 The Ceiling Carz Ceiling
Cat saw Hagar in the sandbox. Fer real. 8 He
sed, "Where from, where to" "I is hiding frm
Sarai." 9 Ceiling Cat sed, "yr her bukkit
holder, go hold her bukkit." 10 "I'll make you
get lots and lots of kittehs." 11 Ceiling Cat
spokes-kitteh sais to her:
"U now Pregnantz U will has boi
kitteh Ishmael is gud name 4 him,
Ceiling Cat heard your meow'n"
12 Kitteh will B crazy kitteh donkeh;
his paws touchy feely but seckseh bod
everyone touch he is always angry to
his kitteh brothers
13 She sais to Ceiling Cat "Ishmael = hiz
name", He sais "U seez me", she sais "U sees
me I sees U" 14 Tis why teh water hole iz
named Beer Lahi Roi, still der, always will
be. 15 So Hagar (not Sammy) made Abram a
son because of secks, Abram naimd kitteh
Ishmael 16 Abram was really old when
Hagar haz kittens.
Genesis 17
A bram was 99 yr geezer, n Ceiling Cat
sez 2 him: "I pwn everthing! lets be bff!1 2
We can has speshul covenint n i do invisible
magic so yous breed leik rabbit." 3 Abram
rofl...well not lulz, but he rofl cuz Ceiling Cat
is big important. n Ceiling Cat say, 4 "For my
covenint I make you breed leik rabbit so that
u father many nayshuns. 5 Ur domain name
abram.com, iz 404 not found. I make u new
URL...abraham.com. this have sumthin 2 do
w how, did I mention, i make you breed leik
rabbit! 6 I leik fruit, and I leik u ! I leik teh
rabbit, and teh nayshuns, o an kingz 2 so I
will make ur descendants lot of kingz. 7
Since i do all this 4 yous, I be Ceiling Cat to
u n pwn all yous 4eva. 8 i put u in Canaan,
first we subdew natives so you can has it
4eva. OHai did I mention i be Ceiling Cat
and pwn all yous?" 9 Then Ceiling Cat say,
"An yous better keep ur part covenint, you n
all ur kittehs and grandkittehs and so on. 10
N here it is FTW. Teh convenint u makes
with me 4eva: All kitteh with dangly bit must
cut off speshul skin. 11 Leik I said, all yous
need do this cuz it meanz covenint. 12 All ur
kitteh, grandkitteh et setera with teh dangly
bit, u cut speshul skin when 8 days. Also if u
buy kitteh on black market, u cut there
dangly bit 2. 13 Leik I keep sayin cuz i iz so
badass it all bear repeatin, u has 2 do this for
covenint. 14 Any kitteh with teh dangly bit
who not can has cut, i make him go far away,
4 he break teh covenint" 15 Ceiling Cat also
say to Abraham, "Dood, ur wife's domain
name, sarai.com, iz too 404 not found. she
can also has new URL, sarah.com 16 I make
invisible Ceiling Cat magic on her an she
give u tiny kitteh with dangly bits. Nayshuns
and kingz will come out of her kittehs, cuz i
lay my badass blessins on her." 17 Abraham
rofl, an now he lulz to hisself an think, "O
rly? Sarah and me is both geezurs, no can has
kittehs." 18 An Abraham say to Ceiling Cat,
"I has son already, Ishmael. He can has
awesome Ceiling Cat blessin 2?" 19 An
Ceiling Cat say, "Ya but Sarah has another
kitteh soon, and his domain name isaac.com.
With this kitteh I make my speshul covenint.
20 Ishmael, ya he gots invisible blessing too,
n I make him breed leik rabbit too. 21 But I
leik Isaac more, u meet him this year when
Sarah plop him out. Isaac be my main homie
with teh covenint cuz I m in ur base playin
my favoritism." 22 Ceiling Cat say,
"Kthxbai!" 23 So right awai Abraham take
Ishmeal an everone else in his base with teh
dangly bits, includin kittehs he bought on
black market, n leik Ceiling Cat say he cut
speshul skin. 24 When Abraham cut his
dangly bits, he 99yrs. LOL, old. 25 His kitteh
Ishmael 13 yrs. 26 Abraham and kitteh both
make speshul cut to dangly bits same day.
KODAK MOMENT. 27 n all teh others on
his base 2. Everone with teh dangly bits go
snippy snippy.
Genesis 18
Sarah LOLZ, Abraham pesters
Cieling Cat
12
N oaw Abraham waz rlxn and Ceiling Cat
waz liek "Oh Hai" 2 But wen Abraham waz 2
liek "Oh hai" ther waz 3 doodz and he waz
leik "WTF" n he pwned hisself 3 He sed
"D00d, Srsly, hang out 4 You can has water
and rest 5 And you can haz cheezburgr." And
3 doodz sed "we can has!" 6 so Abraham
went to Sarah and waz liek "Mek som
cookehs!" 7 And he went to hiz moocowz
and made teh best one teh ded 4 to eat 8 And
he sed to 3 doodz "here, you can has" 9 N
tehy wer liek "Wher ur woman?" And
Abraham sed "ovar ther" 10 N sed "Srsly,
when we com bak she gonna be teh preggers"
Adn Sarah herd this 11 BTW: Abraham n
Sarah wer teh OLD, Srsly, and Sarah waz to
old 4 teh babyz. Titzorz at da bell-e buttin. 12
And Sarah LOLed and waz liek "WTF!? NO
WAI! WE R TEH OLD!!11 LOL" 13 And
TEH D00D sed 2 Abraham "WTF, Y she
LOLed? 14 Nothin iz inposbell 4 Ceiling Cat,
srsly, she gon be teh preggers!" 15 And Sarah
waz liek "I no LOLed" Ann he waz liek "yea
u did"
Abraham Askx Ceiling Cat 2 Be
Naice 2 Sodom
16 N teh 3 men were liek "Kthxbai" and
Abraham went wit dem 17 Ceiling Cat sed
"shud I tel Abraham wat I'm gon do, 18 Cuz
he iz cool, and he iz gonna b grate nashun,
and all nashuns r gonna has cheezburger cuz
of him? 19 Cuz I choes him so he n his
kittehs coud say liek 'Cieling Cat iz cool,
srsly'" 20 So Ceiling Cat sed "Sodom n
Gomorrah suxz0rz, liek, srsly" 21 "Im gonna
chekc it out n see" 22 So the doodz went to
Sodom, but Ceiling Cat waz stil wit
Abraham, k? 23 Abraham waz liek "OMFG,
u srsly gonna kill teh good ppl wit teh bad
ppl!?" 24 "Wat if thers 50 good ppl? U stil
gonna pwn it?" 25 "WEAK" 26 So Ceiling
Cat waz liek "k if iz 50 ppl i wont pwn it" 27
N Abraham waz liek "OMG, i sux, but 28
wat if has 45 good ppl?" N Ceiling Cat sed
"ill not pwn if has 45" 29 N Abraham was
liek "wat bout 40???" an Ceiling Cat sed "i
wont if has 40" 30 And Abraham sed "k, dont
b mad or shred me, but wat if has 30?" and
Ceiling Cat sed "i wont if has 30" 31 And
Abraham sed "OMG, but wat if has 20?" and
Ceiling Cat sed "i wont if has 20" 32 And
Abraham sed "k, dont b mad, thsi is last tiem
I promiz, but wat if has 10?" and Ceiling Cat
sed "i wont if has 10. srsly" 33 And thei wer
both liek "Kthxbai"
Genesis 19
Sodom n Gomorrah PWNED
h oley d00dz wit wngs cam 2 Kittijuana @
h4ppy hour ann Lot waz bummin outside teh
citeh. Lot saw dem and waz all, Doodz, you
are teh holey, and bowed down to eatz teh
cheezburger. 2 Doodz, he saiz, plz crash on
my couch, you can wash my kittehs feet and I
will keck j00 out when I r woke. Lolz, teh
doodz said, we iz gonna sleep together in teh
middle of teh citeh. 3 Lot iz all doodz crash
on my couch. He called up teh taco bell ann
tey gave it to hiz kitteh. 4 All teh drunc
doodz went to Lotz place. 5 Teh drunc guyz
says to Lot, dood, letz bang teh guyz in j00r
place. VISIBLE BUTTSEX! 6 Lot goez
outside n close teh cat flap. 7 He sayz, oh
snap, don't do tat! ewwwww 8 Lol U can hit
my hot daughterz whu r virginz. Let me get
em n we kan PENIS GOES WHERE? them.
But don't do theze doodz, they iz in mah
house. 9 Aw Hellz nah. We iz gonna hit j00r
door an hav lemmon party. ur gonna get
raped fisrt. 10 Teh doodz pulled Lot into teh
howse. 11 Teh doodz MADE TEH MAGIK
ANTI LITE! (is ok tho cuz kitteh can see in
teh dark) 12 Tehn the two doodz waz all liek
"GTFO man. and bring ur kitteh, 13 j00 cant
hang out with uz be cuz we is goin' to PWN
this place." 14 Lot sez to hiz daughters
fiances (teh 1 s he wuz gonna let the hole
town do PENIS GOES WHERE wif). "U
better go cause Ceiling cat gonna pwn this"
place but they thaught it wuz a TARP. 15 Teh
Doodz sez GTFO with ur wimenz or we pwn
U 2. 16 Then Lot was al liek "OH NOES!"
and teh doodz made him left with his wife an
daughters (teh 1s they was gonna rape) and
his cheezburger. 17 One ov teh doodz sez
GTFO nd don't l00k back or RTFM. Go 2 the
ceiling or we gonna pwn U. 18 N Lot was lik
"DOOODz!!1!!1, 19 I not make to ceiling, I
gots teh slow, U B 2 fast. 20 howse abouts
the lettle town ovar thar? Pweese? cauze
lettle town is lettle." (lettle toen be called
Zoar wich iz funny bibbel naim 4 lettle) 21
Ceiling kat sez "K I not pwn lettle town 22
But I gives U teh fast cuz I be waitin fo yo
call" 23 Lot still had teh slow n it took all
13
dark to get to lettle town. 24 From teh hole in
teh ceiling came bunches of teh sulfer and it
wuz teh flame. 25 N thats how Ceiling Cat
pwnd the land n teh fruitzors An vegbatels. It
happen. 26 But Lotz wife not RTFM and now
has a flavor, flavor iz salty. 27 Lot wake up
next day (cause he not kitteh and can't see in
dark) and went back to goatse land. 28 He
RTFM and see lots of smokes n stuff 29
Ceiling cat memberd Abraham and didn't
pwn A Lot.
Lot and His Daughters
30 Lot mooved to mountains cuz he scared of
Zoar (and smelled like old fart) n lived in a
kave. 31 Older dauter sez to younger dauter,
"Old father is Old and I R in heat. 32 I get
daddy drunk and do PENIS GOES
WHERE?! So we can save our recessive
genes." 33 That night they giv daddy winez
and /b. Daddy drink winez to make imagez
go away and older daughter do PENIS GOES
WHERE?!. /b so bad daddy knot remember.
34 neXt day, older daughter say "I do
buttsecKs wif daddy, now ur turn" 35 /b
nasty again so Lot drinkZORS to stuporz and
younger daughter doez PENIS GOES
WHERE?! 36 Boaf gurlz get preggerz from
daddy. 37 Older daughter plop out boy
named Moab, He be Father of Moabates and
Mother of all bombs (and smell like desert -
recessives) 38 Lettle daughter plop out boy
called Ben-(ken)Ammi who be father of
(ken)Amminoites today n sing gud.
Genesis 20
Abraham n Abimelech
A n Abraham went 2 teh south country, an
chilld tween Kadesh and Shur, an askd "I can
has bed?", and crashd in Gerar 2 An
Abraham saiz "Dewd, my wief Sarah be iz
my sistr," an Abimelech iz liek "Lol, thaz
messd up" an takd Sarah 3 But Ceiling Cat
comez to Abimelech while hez sleepn an
saiz, "O hai, thaz not rite you liek takd a wief
away, you be ded now" 4 But Abimelech iz
liek, "My bad, Ceiling Cat, plz doez not eated
me" 5 An Abimelech is all, "Abraham saiz he
an his sistr be all liek "PENIS GOES
WHERE?" an thaz not rite" 6 An Ceiling Cat
is liek,"Ya thaz nasty ur rite 7 But givez back
Abraham his sistr even tho thaz nasty 'cuz he
bez knowin' teh futur n' stufs an if you doeznt
I eated you, kthxbai" 8 Abimelech wakd up
erly, an calld teh slavez, an hes liek, "Ceiling
Cat saiz Abraham iz kewl, lez give back his
wief," an teh slavez wuz skerd. 9 Den
Abimelech calld Abraham, an he sai, "WTF!
Y u brin invisible error an not cheezburgrz?"
10 An he sai, "Wut made u do dat?" 11 An
Abraham sai, "cuz I thot, surely teh feer of
Ceiling Cat iz not in dis place; an tehy will
eated me 4 mah wiefz saek 12 An mah wief
iz mah sistr but only mah half sistr, we
doeznt gots teh same mommy, so NBD, k?"
13 And then latrz, after Ceiling Cat telled us
to leef Ejip, so Abraham did sez "look, no tell
other pplz we is marry. i no like teh commit
no moar. instead you say you is mai sister,
k?" And Sarah was all "k, wut can i do?" 14
And Abraham pwned Abimelech and tooked
his sheeps, and moocows, and slaves for teh
working, and his slaves for teh PENIS GOES
WHERE?!, and was full of teh epic and win.
15 an Abimelech was all, you can has mai
base." 16 He sez "Yo, I have giv ur burdder
1x103 silver cookehs (about 25lbs). we cool
now? plz do not eated me, sowry." 17 And
Abraham talked to Ceiling Cat and Ceiling
Cat made Abimelech all betterz and tooked
the diapramz from hiz wife n slave chix so
PENIS GOES WERE?! wurked gud. 18
cause when all this started, he put in
INVISIBLE DIAPHRAM.
Genesis 21
Da burf uf Isaac
A n Ceiling Cat hangeded wif Sarah an
wuz all liek, "O hai, j00 can get teh preggers
now, kthxbai," 2 An she gaiv burf even tho
she wuz all old an stuffz. 3 Abraham calleded
his son Isaac, cuz that's joospeek for "he
laffs." 4 An Abraham cut Isaac's penis tip cuz
Ceiling Cat lieks to see dat kinda stuffz. 5
Abraham wuz hunderd yeers old at da time. 6
An Sarah sayed, "Ceiling Cat bringz teh
LOLz!!1!1!!!eleventeen!!!1 7 Whoda thunk
it?? Im all old, but Ceiling Cat restorded ma
ovaries."
Hagar an Ishmael GTFO
8 An Isaac gru and stopped suxx0r on Sarah's
14
tittee, so Abraham wuz all laik, "Let's partee
an eatum da cheezburgrz!!1!" 9 An Sarah
sawed Ishmael bein liek, "Nyah nyah!!" 10
So she told Abraham 2 tell Hagar the
slavezor and her n00b son to GTFO, cuz she
didn't want them to has no cheezburgrz. 11
Abraham sayed, "wtf?!?!? No cheezburgrz?"
12 But Ceiling Cat tolded him, "Don't wurry
bout those n00bs. Do what Sarah tellz U,
becuz they getz to has no cheezburgrz now.
DO NOT WANT! Isaac gets thum all. DOES
WANT! 13 Ishmael will getz cheezburgrz l8r
when he becomes all h4xx0r n stuffz. srsly."
14 Abraham tooked sum cookize n waterz
and putted it on Hagar's shoulderz and
sended her off wif the boi. She was in ur
deserts lookin for ur waterz. srsly, it was
called Beersheba. 15 She no can find waters
and put boi under a bush 16 and cry cause
she dont wanna see boi get ded and dry up
like prune 17 Kitteh hearz boi cry (sound like
kitteh) and sez "sup Hagar? no be skered,
Ceiling cat be hearin it too. 18 pls get him
and he can has cheezburgerz cause he is
h4xx0r now." 19 Kitteh make waterz (no not
that kind, teh kind U can drink), so U CAN
HAS waterz and not dry out and l00k like
prune. srsly, it happen. 20 Ceiling cat was
BFF and hung out wif teh boi. He lived in ur
desert and has bow and arrow 21 Desert
called Paran n mom gots him an egyptian
bride (she walk like egyptian, prolly smell
like 1 2).
The Treaty at Beersheba
22 Meanwiles Abimelech and Phicol teh
commander of his forces sez to Abraham, "ur
BFF with Ceiling cat K? 23 swear U not be
like NO CAN HAS to me or anything wif my
DNA, U be like CAN HAS cheezburgerz n
cookiez n happy leik I dids to U." 24
Abraham sez "K BFF kthnx" 25 Abraham
emo bout waterz Abimelech's servants had
pwnd. 26 Abimelech sez "WHUT? WHENZ?
HUH? WTF?" 27 Abraham getz sum sheepz
an moocows n a cookie and they make treaty.
28 and getz 7 ewes (babi girl sheepz) 29
Abimelech sez WTF? sheepz, I no wanna
HARBL GOES WHERE. 30 Abraham sez
"sheepz mean I made hole 4 waterz ur doodz
pwnd." 31 So nows that place called
Beersheba cause those doodz sweared oath
there (Beersheba iz funny bibbel naim 4 well
ov 7 or well ov oath, we not rly shur). 32
then Abimelech and Phicol the commander
uv forces returned 2 land of Philistines. 33
Abraham planted a tamarisk tree in
Beersheba, n hung out wif Ceiling cat. 34 n
he stayed in teh Philistines for a
loooooooooong time.
Genesis 22
C eiling cat givd Abraham test so
Abraham cud hav cheezburgrz. Ceiling cat
sed "Oh hai Abraham. 2 Taek ur kitteh Isaac
to whur I say an burn him inna mountainz. 3
So Abraham got up erly an tuk Isaac an 2
servnts, an cut teh wud 4 burning an went to
mountainz. 4 On thrd day, he saw place to
burn him. 5 He sed "Servnts, stay here wit
donkey. We coem bak later k bai." 6 An he
gaev wud to Isaac to curry an he tuk torch an
knife. 7 An Isaac sed "K dad wher sheep?" 8
An Abraham sed "Ceiling cat will giv sheep."
So they goed to place. 9 An Abraham bult
altar an putted Isaac on it. 10 He gon stab
Isaac Oh noez! 11 Ceiling Cat hazd a angel
and teh angel wazd liekd "OH HAI
ABRAHAM" and Abraham wazd liek "OH
HAI" 12 And teh angel wazd liek "OH HAI,
ABOUT TAHT KILLIN UR SON...J/K
LOL!1 Ur win cheezburgrz 4evr" 13 And teh
angel sed "We downgrazden youz 2 a RAM"
An Abraham tukd ram an burnd it. 14 An
Abraham sed dis place now cald "Ceiling Cat
Gievs Cheezburgrz." 15 An Ceiling cat sed
"OH HAI ABRAHAM" 16 An he sed
"Abraham ur gud kitteh. U wud givd me ur
kitteh. 17 So ur kitteh wil haev lots of kittehs,
more than stars an sand, an kittehs will have
bukket 18 an all kittehs can has cheezburgrz.
Cuz u iz gud kitteh." 19 An Abraham went
wit Isaac an servnts to Beer-sheba 4 long
vaycayshun. 20 An kittehs tuld Abraham "Ur
bro Nahor an hiz wief Milcah haded kittehs!"
21 An Nahors kittehs wer Huz, Buz, an
Kemuel. An Kemuel had kitteh cald Aram.
22 An Nahors moer kittehs wer Chesed,
Hazo, Pildash, Jidlaph, and Bethuel. 23 An
Bethuel had kitteh Rebekah. So Abraham
haded many nephew kittehs! 24 An Nahors
PENIS GOES WHERE?! kitteh Reumah had
kittehs too! Had Tebah, Gaham, Thahash, an
Maachah! WTFLOLBBQ lots of kittehs!
Genesis 23
15
The dath of Sarah
S ara lived 2 be 27-1 years old 2 at Kiriath
Arba (a.k.a. Hebron) in teh land ov Canaan, n
Abraham went 2 mourn 4 her and 2 do tearz
at her. 3 Abraham sed to Hittites, 4 "YO
Gimmeh somez landz so I can burry my wife,
I pays" 5 Hittites sez: 6 "U CAN HAS
anything U wantz" 7 Abraham wetz pantz 8
and sez "yo, talk to Ephron son ov Zohar on
my behalf 9 so he will sell me teh cave of
Machpelah, which be hiz, I payz full price"
10 Ephron the Hittite was chillin wif hiz
possie ans sez 2 Abraham real loud, 11 "No,
sup; I gives yous the field, and I gives yous
the cave that is in it. itz K, bury the meat, it
smells" 12 Abraham haz mor wet for pantz
13 and sez "I pay moniez I rly du" 14 Ephron
sed 2 Abraham: 15 (I can get 400 silver
cookiez (about 10 lbs) 4 teh land butz sheese
stinkin up, plant her!)" 16 Abraham giveh
400 silver cookies to Ephron (even tho he
don't gotta) 17 So Ephron's field in
Machpelah near Mamre—both teh field and
the cave in it, and all the treez within the
borders of the field—was deeded 18 2
Abraham in front of everybodi. 19 Laterz
Abraham buried his wife Sarah in the cave in
teh field of Machpelah near Mamre
(=Hebron) in teh land of Canaan. 20 So
Abraham now can haz teh field an cave.
Genesis 24
Isaac and Rebekah
A braham waz teh oldz en BFF wif
Ceiling Cat. 2 he waz teh head servent dood
"puts yer paw unner my legz" (ewwwwww) 3
"I wantz U 2 swear by Ceiling Cat, who
maded teh skiez An da Urfs that I DO NOT
WANT my son's wife 2 B Canaanite, where
we be at. 4 but DO WANT wife from my
landz and relatives 4 Issac." 5 Servant sez
whut if she DO NOT WANT come here, Do I
takes him there?" 6 Abraham sez "DO NOT
WANT him there" 7 Ceiling Cat BFF sez
'Issac do HARBOL GOES WHERE? first,
then he can go der.' 8 If she DO NOT WANT
come here, you KTHXBAI, no takes Issac. 9
Servent dood putz hand unner his legz
(ewwwww) n made oath 10 Teh servent takez
10 camuels (leik moocows, but different) and
did not eated them, and lotza swag. He goes
from Aram Naharaim 2 Nahor. 11 He getz
there when the gurlz are commin it fill
BUCKETZ, he makes camuels neel near
waterz hole 12 The he praz to Ceiling Cat, "0
Ceiling Cat of Abraham, lemme find gurl to
bring back for PEINIS GOES WHERE? 13
Checkit, l00k at the gurlz! 14 if she sez me
and camuels CAN HAS BUCKETS, I bring
her back." 15 as he wuz talkin to Ceiling Cat,
Rebekah (a gurl) comes out with BUCKET.
she daughter ov Bethuel son ov Milcah (wife
ov Abraham's brudder Nahor). 16 she never
do PENIS GOES WHERE? and waz pretty,
She fill BUCKET with waterz 17 He sez
CAN HAS BUCKET? 18 she sez U CAN
HAS MY BUCKET 19 She sez GIMMEH
BUCKET so camuels CAN HAS BUCKET.
20 she sez now camules CAN HAS
BUCKET. 21 He watched to see if Ceiling
Cat liked this 1. 22 when camuels were done
with BUCKET, he gets out a nose ring and
braceletz 23 and sez, letz go 2 ur dads palce.
24 She sez "dads Bethuel, grandpap Nahor,
mom Milcah 25 YOU CAN HAS room at my
place 26 He sez to Ceiling Cat 27 KTHZ
dood, I'm goin to Abraham's DNA 28 She
tellz mom n all, 29 and her brother Laban. 30
n he seez sis wif nose ring n bracletz n goez
to meat him. 31 Laban sez "d00d!!!1!1! WTF
you here 4? You BFF Ceiling Cat, check out
my crib." 32 So he goes to teh house. foodz
was brought for camuels and they eated it,
and they washed teh feetz in buckets. 33 the
was delicios cakes but he not eated it, he sez
"I do not want eated it until I tell u this"
Laban sez WTF?
34 He sez I workz for Abraham 35 and he
BFF w/ Ceiling Cat and gots sheepz n
moocows n silver n gold n servents n
camuels n donkiez n shiny thingz and catnip
n cheezburgrs n cookiez n lotsa udder stuff.
36 Sarah hiz wife plooped out a babie whem
she waz leik old n stuff and the kid getz the
loot. 37 n he tolded me to get the kid a wife
not from teh Canaanites where he B at but
from hiz DNA. 38 but do wanted wife 4 isaac
from hims relativez, daz ok." 39 I axed "whut
if she DO NOT WANT come here?" 40 He
sez Ceiling Cat be workin on it, it'll work
trust me K? srsly, 41 If it don't wurk, just
GTFO. KTHXBAI. 42 I wus talkin to Ceiling
Cat when I was in ur waterz sayin "pweese
make it wurk, 43 n if I axe a gurl for her
bucket, 44 n she says U CAN HAS MY
16
BUCKET and ur camuels CAN HAS MY
BUCKET too" I'll call it gud. 45 I wasnt done
talkin to Ceiling Cat when I sees Rebeka an
sez "CAN I HAS UR BUCKET?" 46 n she
sez U CAN HAS MAI BUCKET and ur
camuels too. 47 I axed her who she wuz
she said she wus from Abrahams
DNA!!!11!!1! so I shoved a ring up
her nose and put the cuffs on,48 n
thanked Ceiling Cat.49 can I has her?
if I can no has her, tell me where I can
get another 1.
48 so I shoved a ring up her nose and put the
cuffs on, 49 n thanked Ceiling Cat. 50 can I
has her? if I can no has her, tell me where I
can get another 1. 51 Laban and Bethuel sez
"This be Ceiling Cat business, we outta this,
52 you CAN HAS gurl, so ur master's son
can do PENIS GOES WHERE on her. Leik
Ceiling Cat sez" 53 when he hearz that he
bowed to Ceiling Cat 54 and got gold n silver
shiny things n clothes n gave them to the
gurl, he also dumped buckets of swag on her
brudder n mom 55 then they eated delicious
cake and drinked and sleeped.
when he waked up, he sed I GTFO,
KTHXBAI
56 Bro n mom sed, "Woah d00d, we needs 10
dayz, then U can GTFO." 57 he sez "WTF?
Ceiling Cat may get pissed" 58 they say "letz
axe the gurl" 59 They axe n she sez KBAI 60
so they tell her to GTFO long wif her nurse
and the guise 61 n they blessed Rebeka n sed:
"yo sis, moar in teh mani towsandz
mai ur babies pwn der enemies"
62 So Rebeka n her maidz got on the camuels
n GTFO 63 Issac come from Beer Lahai Roi,
cause he wus livin in Negev. 64 He goes
walkies one night n seez camuels a commin
65 Rebeka sees Issac n gets off camuel 66 n
sez "who dat who be a commin 2 meat us?"
Servent sez "Bossman, so she covered
hersefs with veil."
67 Then he telled the story to Issac 68 n he
bringed he into his mom's tent n married her,
and did PENIS GOES WHERE? and was
comforted after his mother's death.
 Genesis 25
Abraham getz ded
A brabam getz nuther wife 4 PENIS
GOES WHERE? name Keturah 2 Seh ploop
out Zimran, Jokshan, Medan, Midian, Ishbak
and Shuah. 3 Jokshan maek Sheba and
Dedan, Dendan maek Asshurites, the
Letushites and the Leummites. 4 Midian
maek Ephah, Epher, Hanoch, Abida and
Eldaah. Keturah maek all ov dem. 5
Abraham gived all his cookiez n
cheezburgerz to Issac. 6 But when he was
leik not ded yet, he sended some cookiez n
cheezburgerz east the bois who he maek wif
PENIS GOES WHERE wif udder gurlz. 7
Abraham gotted ded when he waz 175 yearz
old (must be kitteh yearz). 8 When he was
deded, tehy tooked him out for walkies. 9
Isaac and Ishmael putted him inna cave of
Machpelah near Mamre 10 taht he bougted
from the Hittites (see Genesis_23#2) an wuz
putted in wit hiz ded wife Sarah. 11 After
Abraham get deded, Ceiling cat gived Isaac
Ceheezburgerz n stuff when he was at Beer
Lahai Roi.
Ishmael's Sons
12 We be talkin bout Abraham's boi Ishmael
taht Hagar who walk leik Egiptian ploop out
when she wus workin 4 Sarah. 13 Ishmael
maek Nebaioth, Kedar, Adbeel, Mibsam, 14
Mishma, Dumah, Massa, 15 Hadad, Tema,
Jetur, Naphish and Kedemah. In taht order,
srsly. 16 tehy was teh 12 tribal rulerz of der
settulmentz and campz. 17 Ishmael got ded
when he wuz 137 yearz old (kitteh yearz
again). When he was all ded tehy tooked him
out 4 walkies. 18 All the peepulz he maded
lived from Havilah 2 Shur, nearz Egypt and
tehy DID NOT leik each udder.
Jacob and Esau
19 Now we talkin bout Isaac K?. 20 Isaac
lived in hiz dad Abraham's basement, so he
not marry Rebeka Genesis_24#15 till he wus
40 yearz old, srsly. 21 Isaac wuz talkin to
Ceiling Cat cause Rebeka HAS A
INVISIBLE DIAPHRAM, Ceiling cat
removed INVISIBLE DIAPHRAM n sed leik
"has some fertility drugz" and she eated
them. 22 She feeled a party in herz tummy
17
and sez to Ceiling Cat "WTF?" 23 Ceiling
Cat sez
"fertility drugz maeks 2 babez K tho
cuze they fraternal n not leik all stuck
together so dissambly not required
But 1 ouf dem be stronger tehn other
Older 1 be workin fo teh younger.
KTHXBAI"
24 She ploop out 2 boyz 25 1st one come out
red n furry tehy named hims Esau (which is
funny bibel nam 4 furry). 26 neXt 1 come out
holdin onto 1st one foots (he musta comes
out backwards) so theys names him Jacob
(which is funny bibel nam 4 grabbs heelz or
deceiver). Isaac wus 60 when dey ploop out.
27 Teh boyz growed up n Esau wuz leet sklld
mouser (he finded mouses to eated everywhar
n liked to go outside). Jacob wuz scairdy cat
stayin inside on teh windowsill. 28 Dad
leiked Esau cause he eated lots of mouses,
but mom leiked Jacob. 29 Jacob wuz cooking
up some red cookiez n Esau came back from
looking 4 mouses 30 n sed "Gimmeh sum
delicious red cookiez, cauze I no can find
mouses and I so humgry I could die." 31
Jacob sez "YOU CAN NOT HAS
COOKIEZ, but givh me ur inheritance and
YOU CAN HAS DELICIOUS COOKIEZ n
CAKES." 32 Esau sez, "I humgry bad, K" 33
Buy Jacob sez "swear first delicious cookiz
later", Esau sez "KTHX". 34 So Esau swear n
CAN HAS DELICIOUS COOKIZ, n go
NOM NOM NOM
Genesis 26
Isaac and Abimelech
N ow there wus no foods an mices to
eated in the land so Isaac meats Abimelech
top cat of the Philistines in Gerar. 2 Ceiling
Cat sez to Isaac U can not goes to Egypt, U
live wheres I tells U 2 live 3 Stay here an U
CAN HAS CHEEZBURGRZ n COOKIEZ n
CAKES. Laterz I gives U all these landz 4 U
n ur kitteh can has all this landz an
CHEEZBURGERZ too 5 cause ur dad
Abraham dids whats I tolded him to 6 So
Isaac stayed in Gerar. 7 Sum d00dz livin
there axed him bout hiz wife Rebeka, n he
sed "She mai sister" cause she so buteamus n
l00k leik Natalie Portman covered in hot grits
he wuz afraid they eated him and make him
teh ded. 8 After a loooong time, Abimelech
king of the Philistines saw Isaac PENIS Genesis 27
GOES WHERE? Rebekah. 9 Abimelech sez
"d00d1!!1!!, WTF? ur sister? ewwwww thats
nasty", Isaac say "I say my sister cause i do
I saac gotted olded n blinded he sez YO
Esau, Easu sez "sup?" 2 Isaac sez "gonna ded
not want to be teh ded". n Abimelech thought
soon 3 Gimmeh sum delicious cakez n
Deja-vu genesis_20#2 10 n Abimelech sez
mouses from outside" 4 soes I CAN HAS
"d00d!1! whut if 1 of my guys did PENIS
sum delicious cakez so U CAN HAS
GOES WHERE on hers, thats leik
cheezburgerz in B 4 ded" 5 Rebeka wuz leik
INVISIBLE ERROR" 11 an he continud
watchin him speak soes after Esau goez out
"Any my n00bs touch her gets teh ded" 12
to the sandwormz, 6 she sez 2 Jacob "I wuz
Isaac growd lots of fruitzors An vegbatels an
watchin daddy sey to Esau, n he sed 7
cheezburgerz n they was many cause Ceiling
'Gimmeh sun delicious cakez n I giveh U
Cat leiked him. 13 He gots rich 14 He gots
cheezburgerz wif Ceiling cat watchin.' 8 so
real rich n teh Philistines got pissed 15 so teh
do dis: 9 Gimmeh 2 goatse, n I makes
Philistines were leik "I'n in ur waterz pluggin
delicious cakez outta dem. 10 n give 2 daddi
up ur holez. 16 So Abimelech sez 2 Isaac,
n say U CAN HAS DELICIOUS CAKEZ so
"GTFO ur gots teh powerz" 17 Isaac goed to
he giveh U cheezburgerz n be in before ban
teh Valley of Gerar. 18 he was leik I'm in mai
(ded). 11 Jacob sez to mom, "Esau is a furfag
holez unpluggin mai waterz taht teh
n I not are furfag 12 Dad may feels my no
Philistines plugged up n got waterz. 19 they
furz, then he would cockmongle me." 13
even gots waterz from holes tehy maded in
Mom sez "I'll take teh cockmongle 4 U, trust
teh valley 20 But d00dz from Gerar sed
me KTHNXBAI" 14 so he getz 2 goatse an
"theys our waterz, U no can has", so he call it
givem to mom n she maek delicious cake. 15
Esek 21 nother hole but Gerar sez "U no can
n she crossdress Jacob in Essau clotheses 16
has", he calls that 1 Sitnah 22 yet nother hole,
n stapled goatse skinz on Jacob's handz n
but no 1 sez "no can has" so he call it
neck 17 den she gived him delicious cakez n
Rehoboth (leik beach but hole) n sed "Ceiling
cookiez she maided. 18 Jacob wented to
cat sez I CAN HAS waters n landz n we
daddie n sez Yo
happy" 23 He goes to Beersheba 24 Ceiling
Cat sez Yo 'member me? I wus wif ur dad daddie sez WTMeow? WRU?
Abraham, don't be scairded, I gives U
cheezburgerz n cakes n stuff, n U gets moar 19 Jacob sed "I R Esau, 1st ploop U CAN
kitteh" 25 Isaac builded a cat tree and callded HAS MY DELICIOUS CAKEZ n
Ceiling Cat n maded a hole for waterz near COOKIEZ, CAN I HAS CHEEZBURGER?"
where he putted hiz tent 26 Abimelech 20 Isaac sez "Dung, that wuz fast, where use
comed from Gerar, wif Ahuzzath hiz adviser find it?", Jacob sez "I gots it from Ceiling
n Phicol army type d00d. 27 Isaac sez "WTF Cat" 21 Isaac sed "comeh, lemmie touch U so
U here 4? U tells me to GTFO?" 28 They sez, i know if U R furfag Esau" 22 Jacob let daddi
"d00d, U got Ceiling Cat on ur side, letz be touch him n daddi sed "U sound leik Jacob
BFF n prove it wif a treaty. 29 I no eated you but ur bikini area feels liek Esau. 23 He did
and you no eated us K? cause U HAS not recognize hims cuse bikini areas feelz
CHEEZBURGERZ" 30 Isaac maded same n furry, so I can gived U cheezburgerz.
Cheezburgerz n cookies n foods and they 24 "R U rly Esau?" he sed
eated them 31 tehn dey sweard oath and Isaac
sed "GTFO". 32 laterz on same day, Isaac's 0 rly
d00dz dig waterz hole and findz FREE
BEERZ!!1!!! They sez "l00k, wees founded 25 "Gimmeh somez delicious cakez n
the creative commons" 33 so he callz it cookiez n i gives U cheezburgerz"
Shibah, n teh town be Beersheba. 34 An
when Esau wuz frty he wuz all "I can has Isaac CAN HAS DELICIOUS CAKEZ
marry" an he marieed Judith doter of Beeri n COOKIEZ n BEERZ26 den daddi
(no drink!) an Basemath deh doter of Elon. sez "mere, gimmeh kiss"
35 An Issac an Rebekah sez, "DO NO ewwwwwwwww
WANT!"

18
26 Isaac CAN HAS DELICIOUS CAKEZ n
COOKIEZ n BEERZ 27 den daddi sez
"mere, gimmeh kiss" ewwwwwwwww 28
Jacob does visible kiss with Isaac, when
Isaac smellz Jacob he sez:
U smell leik field n poop poop from
Ceiling cat
29 "Ceiling cat gonna maek U wet
and he be poopin on ur land so u gets
good foodz n beerz
30 landz will serve U
peoplz will bend ovar 4 U U can beat
up ur brotherz Ur momz kidz will
bend ovar 2 dems who curse u will bw
beaten dems who giveh cheezburger
will get cheezburger (NO U)
31 as Jacob wus leavin, Esau wuz cummin.
32 n sed here be some delicious cake maid
from mouse, U CAN HAS MY MOUSES"
33 Isaac sez; "WTMeow? WRU? we did this
B4", Esau sez "I B ME" 34 Isaac sed
"WTMeow? I yust gave cheezburgerz to the
last bastard who wuz here, ur AFU" 35 Esau
sed "WTMeow!!1!!1!!! gimmeh
cheezburgerz too OMFG, BOHICA" 36 Isaac
sez "sry d00d, ur SOL" 37 Esau sed "yo, U
named him Jacob (Bibul speak 4 he decieves)
He bited me 2 timez, he tooked mai
Inhertance n now he eated my cheezburger,
you do no has cheezburger 4 me?" 38 Isaac
sez, "sorry, ur SOL" 39 Esau goes
"WTMeow? CAN I HAS
CHEEZBURGER?" n doos tearz. 40 Isaac
sez;
ur house has no cheezburgerz n no
beerz
41 ur gonna be ready 4 brawl
but ur be protectin ur brudder but
when /b is boring U beat hiz butt offs
ur face"
Jacob Flees to Laban
42 Esau wuz pissed, he sez "Imma go
columbine on Jacob ASAP" 43 when mom
herd this she tolded Jacob "Esau wantz to
pwn U 44 so GTFO to Laban in Haran 45
hang out 4 awhile 46 I'll tells U when itz cool
19
47 Rebecka sed "I already gotz me 2 hittite
slut DIL's DO NOT WANT! If Jacob do
PENIS GOES WHERE? wif a hittite, I be an
hero"
Genesis 28
I saac gived Jacob much cheezburgerz n sed
"U no do PENIS GOES WHERE? wif
Canaanite woman 2 GTFO 2 Paddan Aram
where U grandpop livez, n marry 1 uv ur
cousinz" 3 Ceiling cat maek shur she no has
INVISIBLE DIAPHRAM so she meak a hole
town o kidz. 4 Ceiling cat will giv U all
cheeszburgerz n landz 2." 5 Isaac sez "GTFO
KTHXBAI" 6 Esau wuz sittin in the ceiling n
herded this 7 n watched Jacob GTFO 8 n
knowed hiz dad DID NOT WANT
Canaanites 9 so he married 1 for the lulz (he
just puted her in hiz harem wit da Hittites)
Jacob HAS A Dream at Bethel
10 Jacob GTFO Beersheba n goed to Haran
11 he stopped whun it got darkiez n sleeped
on a rock 12 he had-ed a dream; he saw teh
stairway to heaven n there wuz lotz of kitteh
on it 13 n up top lookin out from a hole in teh
ceiling wuz Ceiling Cat he sez "I R Ceiling
Cat, Watchin U Dreamz. U CAN HAS the
land wheres U be sleepin" 14 Ur DNA gonna
be leik radioactive fallout, Ur gonna be
everywhar, n U all CAN HAS
CHEEZBURGERZ" 15 I R Ceiling Cat,
Watchin U wander n I maek sure U dont get
losted." 16 When he waked up he all like
"OMG!1!! Ceiling cat be here! 17 This place
be stairway to heaven, where Zeppelin be
at?" 18 neXt mornin he putted oilz on the
rock he wuz sleepin on 19 he callded that
place Bethel (but it wuz already calleded Luz
IN B4 the Bethel; EPIC FAIL!!). 20 then he
sez "If Ceiling cat giveh me cheezburgez
then 21 n getz me back home, I'll belive in
hims. 22 n I'll maek a cat box on this rock n
U can has 0.1 cash back.
Genesis 29
Jacob Arrives in Paddan Aram
J acob wuz walkin easty 2 n he sawded a
waterz hole wif 3 bunchez of sheepz nearz it.
wuz a big rock onna hole. 3 teh peepuls do
move rock so sheepz CAN HAS waterz n
tehn puts rock back. 4 Jacob sez "whar U B
from?"
tehy sez "Haran"
5 He sez "U no Laban, Nahor's grandson"
tehy sez "Yup"
6 He sez "He K?"
tehy sez "yup, checkit, hiz daughter
Rachel commin wif sheepz"
7 He sez "sheeps CAN HAS waterz" 8 tehy
sez "sheepz NO CAN HAS waters, need
moar sheepz" 9 Rachel shows up wif sheepz
10 Jacob mooved rock off hole n Rachel's
sheepz CAN HAS waterz. 11 tehn he kissy
her n cry 12 He tolded her he wuz her cousin,
so she run n tell daddy. 13 When daddy
(Laban) herd whut happen, he run out n kissy
him n bringz him home 14 tehn Laban say
"UR my 1st cousin!"
Jacob Marries Leah and Rachel
(bonus)
15 Laban sez "I wants to pays U2 workz,
how much U want?" 16 now Laban haz 2
daughterz, old 1 Leah, n young 1 Rachel. 17
Leah eyez point different directionz but
Rachel pretty n she stacked 18 Jacob sez "I
wurk 7 yearz then I CAN HAS Rachel?,
cause I got teh loves 4 her" 19 Laban sez "K,
hang out here srsly". 20 So Jacob hung out 7
yearz 4 Rachel. 21 Jacob sez "K, GIMMEH
Rachel I wanna do PENIS GOES WHERE
on hers" 22 So Laban has feast with sheepz, n
moocowz n cookiez n stuff 23 when it get
dark he bring out Leah to Jacob n he did
PENIS GOES WHERE? on her" 24 n Laban
gave servant gurl Zilpah to her as
maidservent 25 When it gets light in teh
morning, Leah!1!!1!! Jacob sez to Laban
"WTF? where B Rachel" 26 Laban sez "U
CAN HAS old 1 first, 27 then after U do
PENIS GOES WHERE with her for a week,
tehn U CAN HAS udder 1, gonna cost nuther
7 yearz tho. 28 Jacob did PENIS GOES
WHERE wif Leah 4 a week, tehn he got
Rachel 29 Rachel got Bilhah, servent girl
20
from daddy 30 Jacob does PENIS GOES
WHERE to Rachel n he even loved this 1, n
he worked nother 7 years.
Jacob's Kidz
31 When Ceiling cat seed Leah NOT CAN
HAS love, he remove invisible diaphram n
put in Rachel. 32 Leah getted preggerz n
ploop out boy Ruben n sed "Ceiling cat see
me sad, now Jacob luv me 2" (boy later go on
to maek samwichz, rly, srsly) 33 She ploop
out another calld Simeon n sez "Ceiling cat
be in my ceiling, helpin me get luv" 34 She
ploop out nother 1 called Levi n sed "now
heeze gonna rly luv me, I ploop out 3" 35
She ploop out yet another called Judah n sed
"TNX Ceiling cat no moar plz hurtz,
KTHNX"
Genesis 30
R achel has INVISIBLE DIAPHRAM n
sez Jacob "Gimmeh babies or I go ded". 2
Jacob sez "I no can see INVISIBLE
DIAPHRAM, WTF?" 3 She sez "do PENIS
GOES WHERE on Bilhah, my GF K?" 4
Jacob sez "YES!1!! and did PENIS GOES
WHERE in Bilhah" 5 Bilhah ploop out kid. 6
Rachel sez "TNX Ceiling cat" n name kid
Dan 7 Bilah ploop out another 8 Rachel sez
"I WIN", n call hims Naphtali, but Jacob just
be smilin 9 when Leah got INVISIBLE
DIAPHRAM, she gived her GF Zilpah to
Jacob" 10 Jacob say "OH YEA!!1! n do
PENIS GOES WHERE? n Zilpah ploop out
boy" 11 Leah name him Gad. 12 Jacob find
viagra n do PENIS GOES WHERE again on
Zilpah n she ploop out another. 13 Leah CAN
HAS happy n call kid Asher. 14 When
Reuben wuz harvestin wheat he find cookiez,
He gived teh delicious cookiez to hiz mom
Leah, Rachel sez "CAN I HAS delicious
cookiez?" 15 Leah sez "YOU CAN NO HAS
my cookiez as I can no do PENIS GOES
WHERE? with Jacob"
Rachel sez "U can do PENIS GOES
WHERE if I can has delicious
cookiez"
16 Jacob cums home, n Leah sez "I DO
WANT PENIS GOES WHERE?, I paid 4U
with delicious cookiez". Jacob did PENIS
GOES WHERE? 17 Ceiling cat wuz watchin
from hiz hole n removed INVISIBLE
DIAPHRAM, so Leah gots teh preggerz. 18
Leah sez "Ceiling cat iz happy when I gives
Jacob my GF Zilpah" so when she ploop out
boy, she names him Issachar. 19 Leah ploop
out another 20 Leah sez "Ceiling cat gived
me nother kid, Jacob gonna leik me now, I
names kid Zebulun" 21 Later she ploop out
gurl called Dinah 22 Ceiling cat take out
Rachel's INVISIBLE DIAPHRAM 23 She
ploop out boy n say "TNX Ceiling cat" 24
She calls him Joseph n sez "I can has
another?"
Jacob maeks moar blinkey sheepz
25 After Rachep ploop out Jeseph, Jacob sez
"I wanna go home" to Laban. 26 I CAN HAS
wifes n kids so I can GTFO. 27 Laban sez
"pls stay, Ceiling cat leik U. 28 I pay you not
2 GTFO". 29 Jacob sez "I wurked hard", 30 I
maded you moar animulez n Ceiling cat
gived U cheezburgerz, now it's my turn. 31
"Whut U want?" he ask.
"DO NOT WANT. but if U do this, I
keep bein on ur land, watchin ur
sheepz32 "Lemme takes all
polkadotted n dark sheepz n goatze 4
mai monies.33 If U evar see a white
sheepz or goatz from me, means I
stoled it from U"
32 "DO NOT WANT. but if U do this, I keep
bein on ur land, watchin ur sheepz 33
"Lemme takes all polkadotted n dark sheepz
n goatze 4 mai monies. 34 If U evar see a
white sheepz or goatz from me, means I
stoled it from U" 35 "K sez Laban" 36 So
Jacob CAN HAS all polkadotted n dark
sheepz n goatz n giveh thems to hiz sons. 37
Then he go 3 dayz away n still watch Laban's
sheepz" 38 He maek stripey wood by peelin
barks off branchez, 39 He putted stripey
wood ovar waterz so when sheepz see
stripeys when they do 40 PENIS GOES
WHERE? n all teh babeis came out stripey.
41 he tooked all the stripeyz. 42 He did this 4
teh strong animules 43 n not 4 the weak
animulez, so Jacob CAN HAS all the stong
1s 44 Jacob got teh rich n CAN HAS large
flockz n servents n sheeps n donkies n
camulels.
21
Genesis 31
Jacob leaves Laban
S o den Jacob herd Labans' boyz sayin
"D00d, you R teh suk, rippin off all hiz
cheeseburgers an stuf. Lame." 2 An Jacob
lookeded at Laban an saw he wuz sum
pissed. 3 so den Ceiling Cat sez "D00d, run
away run away! Git bak wif yer fambly an I
meechu there soon, kbai." 4 Jacob called hiz
wimmin, sayin "YO!! 5 Yer dad leik totally iz
hatin on me, srsly! Ceiling Cat lurves me, but
yer dad is awl Rawr Rawr Rawr. 6 I wuz rly
kewl witchor dad, tho, membr? 7 but now he
is teh suk! Hrdcor! Totally ripped me off!
Tuk my bling! 8 Laban wood say, 'Ohes, U
can has all teh spottsy moos', knowin all
moos was stripey, or 'Noes, u can has all teh
stripey moos', and all the moos wuz spottsy.
Taht's WEAK. 9 So den Ceiling Cat tookeded
AWL his moos and gives em 2 me. 10 But
teh bestestet part is taht wen the moos did
PENIS GOES WHERE?!, all dem moos wuz
spottsy and stripey. I mean, I dreameded taht
part, but it's joost leik it's troo." 11 "an den
dis 1 time, I wuz dreamin taht teh Ceiling Cat
yelled at me, sayin "D00d!" an I wuz all leik
"WUT??" 12 an teh Ceiling Cat says 'D00d,
check it! awl dem moos is spottsy and
stripey, caws I haz totally seen wut taht hatr
did 2 u. 13 so now uz gotz to make liek a tree
an leave.' 14 an Jacobs' wimmin (Rachel an
Leah, member? KK, jus chekin) wuz liek,
'D00d, wut aboot us? Were's our bling? 15
Our dad srsly disowned us, episode of Jerry
Springer, an spended awl teh lewt 16 So
evertin Ceiling Cat tookeded is totally ours
now, findrs keeprs, no gives backs."
Flight of the Jacob
17 So den Jacob gets hiz fambly on camels
18 an takes awl teh lewt 19 an Rachel had
nicked her dads lewt too, jus caws. 20 an
Jacob took off liek a ninja 21 wit awl hiz
stufs goin to Gilead. 22 it wuz liek 3 daiz b4
Laban wuz told 23 an wen he fund out, he an
hiz posse cot up wit Jacob. 24 But taht nite
Ceiling Cat sez to Laban, 'D00d, DO NOT
WANT u 2 talk 2 Jacob. Not nothin. 25 An
Laban wen an parked his Winnebago rite
besidez Jacobs', takin awl teh good shade an
everytin. 26 Laban sez 2 Jacob, "Yo! WTF?
27 Y u run, Dawg? We coulda hadda pawty!
28 U wont let me see mi kidz! 29 I cood
totally lai teh smackdown on U, srsly - but ur
Ceiling Cat sez to me, D00d, stay way frm
Jacob, no talkie talkie. 30 AN!! u stole awl
my l00t! So, liek I sez - WTF?" 31 Jacob sed,
"Oh I wuz SOOOOOO scared! 32 but u look,
an if u find ur lewt, go hed an kill taht
stealer." 33 So Laban wen an totally serched
everwere, in Jacob's tent an Leah's tent an teh
servant's tent. 34 but Rachel wuz 1 sneaky
dame, an hid teh lewt an sat on it. 35 an wen
Laban showed up, she wuz all, "D00d, iz
Taht Time of Teh Month, piss off." 36 an
then Jacob got mad, sayin "C?? WTF is ur
problm? y u chase me? U R L4mz0r! 37 U
rifled thru awl my stufs, an foun nada! 38 I
bin wif u fer 20 yeers! 39 I nver ripped u off!
40 I wuz sufferin teh hole time! Nver
complain! Give give give, taht's all I do! 41 I
servd 14 yeers fer teh grrls, an then 6 yeers
fer teh moos - an u fuxxed wit my paychek
10 times! 42 An TAHT iz y Ceiling Cat dun
gotz hiz nite vision goggles on u!"
The covenant between Jacob and
Laban
43 An den Laban backs down, not near so
tuff az he thot he wuz. 44 An Laban sez to
Jacob, "Otay, lets make nice." 45 Jacob gotz
a stone an putz it jus so. 46 an den he sez,
"ever bodi getz stonez!" (jus liek taht Bob
Dylan song, cept Bob wasn' singin then.) an
they putted all teh stonez togethr. 47 Laban
calld it Jegarsahadutha (pth pth, liek hevin
cat hare in ur mouf), but Jacob cuden say taht
wurd, so he calld it Galeed. 48 An Laban sed
'Theese stonez is a witniss between uz,' (so
knot jus heep uv stonez, hoo new?) 49 Taht
Ceiling Cat wuz watchin ovr us 50 but if U
treet my dotters bad, LOOK OUT! an no
moar wives.' An Jacob wuz liek, 'one iz bad,
two iz wurse, DO NOT WANT moar.' 51
Laban sez "C theese rox? 52 U stai on ur side
an I stai on my side, KK?' 53 so Jacob swore
(not notty wurds, but liek promis) he wood
stai on hiz side. 54 An Jacob gotz gud grub
and ever body go Nom Nom Nom 55 In teh
mornin, Laban kissie hiz dotters bye bye an
wen bak were he come from. Gud riddans.
Genesis 32
Jacob getz readies to meat Esau
22
J acob GTFO an kitteh meat hims. 2 When
Jacob sawed thems he sez "I found Ceiling
Cats litterboz!1!!", so he calleded that where
he was at Mahanaim (n he no can has
steamroller). 3 Jacob sended sum buds ahead
to meat hiz brudder Essau in Seir country of
Edom. 4 he sez "Tell him I wuz wit Laban, 5
n I gots donkies n moocows n sheepz n goatz
n serventz n cookiez n stuff. I tellin U this so
U leik me." 6 when hiz budz come back they
sez "Yo, Hees a commin wit leik 400 d00ds"
7 Jacob wet hiz pantz n split hiz peoplez n
stuff into 2 groups (even teh animules n
stuffs). 8 He thinkz "If Essau n hiz GI Joes
eated 1 group, the udder may not be eated". 9
Tehn Jacob prayed "O Ceiling Cat dadda 'O
Abraham n Isaac, O Ceiling Cat you tolded
me to GTFO to my relatives n I will maek U
rich n lotsa PENIS GOES WHERE?. 10
TNX, but I don't deserve it, I just has a few
d00ds when I leaved, but now I has 2 groups.
11 Pweese don't let Essau eated me an teh
wimmens n childrenz. 12 Cause U sed 'I be
makin U rich n lotsa kidlets'" 13 He sleeped
there, maded a gift for hiz brudder Essau: 14
200 gurl goatz w/ 20 boy goatz, 200 gurl
sheepz w/ 20 boy sheepz 15 30 gurl camules
w/ babiez, 40 gurl moocows w/ 10 boy moos,
20 grul donkiez n 10 boi donkiez. 16 He
gived the to hiz d00ds n sed "U go ferst, n
spreadem out. 17 He tolded the 1st d00d,
"Whun U sees Essau n he sez WTF?, 18 U
say Jacob giveh U dis, he be in teh back" 19
He tolded all the udder d00ds to sey the same
thing. 20 and tolded them to sey "Jacob be
commin behind us", he wuz hopin Essau
would not run out of happy and eated him. 21
So teh gifts went away n Jacob stayed home.
Jacob Wrestles With Ceiling Cat
22 when it gots darks, he tookd hiz 2 wifes n
2 maidserventz n 11 boyz n crossed ovar the
ford o Jabbok (girl wuz on her own). 23 After
theys was ovar, he sended all his base n stuff
24 So he wus alone n fighted wif a cat, 25
when the cat saw he could not win he eated
Jacob's hip. 26 the teh Cat sed "Lemme go, it
be light"
But Jacob sed "Nana, gimmeh
cheezburgerz"
27 Then teh Cat sez "WRU?"
"Jacob he sez"
28 the Cat sez "U no longer Jacob but I
names U Israel cause U wins in fights wif
Ceiling Cat and peeplez n ovarcome. 29
Jacob sez "WRU?"
Cat sez "STFU." n gived him
cheezburgerz
30 So Jacob calleded the palce Peniel cause
he sed "I saw Ceiling Cat but he did not eated
me". 31 he wus gimpin whun he pass Peniel
'cause hiz hip was eated. 32 That's why
Israelites no can eated teh tendon stuck to teh
socket o teh hip, cause Ceiling Cat eated
Jacob's hip nearz the tendon.
Genesis 33
L ooken up Jacob seen Esau cumin, wif
four hunnud menz. He splizs up his kittehz
tween Leah, Rachel n teh maidz, 2 putten da
maidz n dere kittehs fust cuz dey meanz leezt
2 him; Leah n her kittehz nexzt cuz she be a
legal wif but he don luv herz, n Rachel n
Joseph last cuz he really likes doin PENIS
GOES WHERE? with her and when he seez
Joseph he rememberz dat. 3 Jacob goez
ahead and bendz down to the ground 7x tho u
shld bend ur nees when u pick up stuff else ur
back goez out, but dey din no dat den, lolz!
till he wuz neer his brudder. 4 Esau runz to
greetz Jacob. He hugzes himz and kissez him
and dey criez BOO HOO HOO like dey like
each other or sumpthin. 5 Da maidz n dere
kittehs come up and smelled Esau's butt, 6 n
den Leah n her kittehs cum up and smelled
Esau's butt, and den Rachel n Joseph cum up
and smell Esau's butt. 7 N he (Esau I guess)
sez "What j00 mean by paradin ur mamacats
n kittehs by me?" He (Jacob?) sez "To smell
ur butt lolz!" 8 Esau dez "WhatEVER I have
nuff mamacatz n kittehs n bling n
cheezburgerz, don need urs." 9 But Jacob is
such a brown-noser he sez "PLEEZ if u do
me dis favur n take it cuz lookin at ur face is
like lookin at Ceiling Cat cuz you both hairy
n red lolz, n u didn eated uz.= 10 Take my
pressie, cuz I broughtz it 2 u all dis way on a
camel, n Ceiling Cat likez me n I have lotz of
cheezburgerz." N when he urged him, he
tooks it. 11 N [Esau] sez "k lets go nao, I'll go
wit u" 12 But he said 2 him "liar u no the
kittehs are weak n da sheeples n goatse r
nursin babeez, can no force dem 2 go fast or
23
dey diez! 13 U go 1st n I'll catch up 2 u in
Seir, k?" 14 Esau sez "U can has menz dat r
wif me" but he said (guess it wuz Jacob sayin
dis) "O noez!!11!1one!1! u r 2 nicens" 15 So
Esau goez back to his base in Seir 16 But
Jacob iz a lier lolz cuz he goez to Succoth n
buildz crib 4 him n his cattlez n cattlez have
stalls n dat why dey callz it Succoth cuz that
means "booths" n Hebrewz jive lolz 17 Den
Jacob gets to da burg Shechem in da land o'
Canaan -- he gots here from Paddan-aram --
n he is campin dere. 18 He can has land he
campen on cuz he boughteded it from
Hamor's kittehs, Hamor is Shechem's kitty-
daddy, for 100 kesitahs (n nobody knowz
what a kesitah is no mo so we don no if he
gotz good price r not lolz) 19 He setz up altar
dere n callz it EL-elohe-yisrael dat mean
"Ceiling Cat uf Israel."
Genesis 34
K so Dinah wuz kitty-girl Leah plooped
out 4 Jacob, n she has go to hang wit chix of
da land. 2 Shechem kitteh-boy uf Hamor the
Hivite, who run da place, he seez her n taked
her n did PENIS GO WHERE? wit her n it
wuz like date rape maybe. 3 N cuz he thinx
shez all hawt n stuff n even thinx he luvs her
he sweet-talked her. 4 So Shechem sez 2 his
daddy-cat, "Yo, I wantz 2 marrie her NAO!"
5 N Jacob hears that dis goyim cat did PENIS
GO WHERE wit Dinah; but keeps his mouf
shut till his boy-cats cum home. 6 Then
Shechem's daddy Hamor cum 2 Jacob to rap
wit him. 7 Jacob's boy-kittehs hearded
whassup n cum in frum field all o.O n >:O n
OMG
WTF!!!11!111one!!!111eleventyteen!!!! cuz
dis goyim did PENIS GO WHERE wit
Dinah, n dat gainst da Izralee's roolz. 8 N
Hamor sez 2 dem he sez "Mah boy-kitteh
Shechem wanna PENIS GO WHERE? with
ur girl-cat plz let him marrie her so I don'
have to hear him chokin' his chicken ya no? 9
N u can marriez our girl-kittehz n gifz ur
girl-kittehs 2 us: 10 U can has cribz in our
hoodz, n land 2; u can ownz stuffs here. 11 N
Shechem sez to Dinahz daddy-kitteh n
bruthaz, "Help a guy out, i pay nething u sez.
12 Srsly, asks me 4 all mah cheezburgerz n
bling n stuff, n i will gif u it cuz I wanna
PENIS GO WHERE? to her she's that good n
da sack. Jus let me marrie her k? 13 Jacob's
boy-kittehs r such liers cuz Shechem raped
deir sisty-kitty, 14 so dey lie n say "Well u
needz 2 cuts off da end uf ur peepee cuz we
don let our kitteh-girls marries men who
don't whack off der foreskinz that's like EW
GROSS! 15 But if n u do cut off ur 4skin
we'll say k u one uf us see but all of ur d00dz
too not just u 16 Den we gif our girl-kittehs 2
u n take ur girl-kittehs from u like dey
property k n we cum liv in ur hood n we all
be bloods ya. 17 But if n u 2 chicken 2 cut off
ur 4skin den we go kthxbai n leavez n take
Dinah wit us cuz u b 2 lamer n 2 n00b 2
marrie her. 18 K so Hamor was all "Yeah!"
and Hamor's son, Shechem, was all "Yeah!"
19 So the kitteh-boy whips out a sharp rock
or sumthin n whacks off his 4skin right there
YEOWTCH cuz he wanted Jacob's kitteh-girl
she musta been sum kinda Superfreak or
sumthin lolz! 20 N Hamor n Shechem went
to the sports bar n rapped wit der homies, n
sayz 21 "D00dz those peepz be our frenz so
let 'em cum in don't build no fenz don't snitch
2 la migra nuff romm here 4 evvybody n u
can marry dere kitty-girlies n give ur kitty-
girlies 2 dem. 22 "But yeah derez catch: u haf
2 cut off ur 4skin cuz dey weird liek dat. 23
"But dey gotz bling n cheezburgerz n all dat
can be ours but only if we cut off our 4skins
will dey cum lif in our hood, k, so drink up
cuz it's gonna HURT lolz!" 24 So all dems
did whut Hamor n Shechem sez, n all go cut
dere 4skins off OUTCH! 25 K so 3 daze later
dey still hurtin bad n Simeon n Levi, 2 uf
Jacob's boy-kittehs, bruthas uf Dinah,
sharpenz der claws n goes to da hood n pwns
all da men. 26 N dey pwnz Hamor n his
kitteh-boy Shechem, took Dinah out uf
Shechem's crib n went kthxbai. 27 Jacob's
other kitteh-boiz cum on all da pwned peepz
n takes stuff cuz dey pissed that Shechem did
PENIS GO WHERE? wit Dinah but did
anyone ask Dinah what she thought?
NOOOOOO! 28 Dey taked goatse n sheeples
n moocowz n asses (thought dey pwned all
da d00dz HA HA HA no, dey meanz
DONKEEEZ!) n all dat stuff in da hood n
outside, 29 n dey taked all de bling n all the
kittehs n all da mamacatz n furnitcher n stuff,
EVERYTHING, GET IT???! jeez U dumb k
where wuz I everytink n evvybuddy was
tookened as prisonush n booty. 30 Jacob sez
2 Simeon n Levi "Now U dun it we in trubble
nao n the Canaanites n da Perizzites be hatin
on us n I don have lotsa d00dz, n if dey
declare war on uz we will be pwned, all of
24
uz! 31 But the boy kittehs said "Should r
sisty-kitty be treated liek a ho?"
Genesis 35
C eiling Cat sez 2 Jacob "Get up n get up,
goez 2 Bethel and stay! Staaaay! n buildz
cathouse 2 da Ceiling Cat whut u seened
when u wuz runnin skairt frum ur brudder
Esau." 2 So Jacob sez 2 his fambly n all his
peeps, "Get rid o dem alien kittehs n take a
baf, n change ur threadz. 3 "We'z goin 2
Bethel n I will build cathouse dere to da
Ceiling Cat whut answered me when I wuz
skairt n stalks me wherever I goez." 4 Jacobz
fambly n peeps gives up all dem fake kittehz
like Morris n Tony da Tiger n Garfield n all
da earringz n Jacob digz big hoel near
Shechem n buriez it like kitteh buryen p00p
in sandbox. 5 As dey went Ceiling Cat hissed
and yowled and waved his big scary claws at
da peeps all round so dey didn't chase Jacob's
boy-kittehs. 6 N Jacob went 2 Luz, not lulz,
but Bethel, in da sandbox uf Canaan, he n all
da peeps wit him. 7 He buildeded a cathouse
n named da place El-Bethel, cuz it wuz dere
Ceiling Cat revealed Himself to him when he
run skairt frum his brudder. 8 Deborah,
Rebekah's nurse-kitteh, got pwned by bein
old, n dey burreed her under an oak beeloo
Bethel; so it wuz named Allon-bacuth dat
means 'oak of da weeping." 9 Ceiling Cat say
Oh Hai to Jacob again when he gotz dere
from Paddan-aram n says U CAN HAS
CHEEZBURGER. 10 Celing Cat sez 2 him,
11 n Ceiling Cat sez to him 12 Bigshots shall
cum out of ur DNA 13 Da sandbox I gif 2
Abraham n Isaac 14 Ceiling Cat left him dere
15 n Jacob setz up pillar dere, a pillar uf rock
n he offered Ceiling Cat cream n poured oil
on it. 16 Jacob gave dis site where Ceiling
Cat spokened 2 him da name Bethel. 17 K so
dey leaves Bethel: but Rachel was preggerz n
when dey were still way from Ephrath, she
started ploopin out kitteh, n OMG IT
HURT!!11!11! 18 N when it hurtz wurst
midwife sez "O hai anudder boy kitteh 4 u
don be skairt!" 19 But the labor pwned her, n
when she had deth rattle she called da baby
boy kitteh Ben-oni, but her Jacob called him
Benjamin. 20 Den she wuz pwned. She gotz
burrieed on da road 2 Ephrath whut dey now
callz Bethlehem. 21 Over her grave Jacob
puts nuther stone pillar n itz still dere. 22
Israel leevz her dere n goez on 2
Migdal-eder. 23 N while Israel's dere
boy-kitteh Reuben goez and does PENIS GO
WHERE? with Bilhah, Izzy's girlfriend on da
side, n Izzy found out. 24 Da sons uf Leah:
Reuben -- Jacob's first kitteh -- Simon, Levi,
Judah, Issachar n Zebulun. 25 Da sonz uf
Rachel: Joseph n Benjamin. 26 Da sonz uf
Bilhah, Rachel's maid: Dan n Naphtali. 27
And da sonz uf Zilpah, Leah's mad: Gad n
Asher. K don' 4get dese r Jacob's sons born in
Paddam-aram. 28 N Jacob came 2 his daddy
Isaac at Mamre, at Kiriath-arba -- now
Hebron -- where Abraham n Isaac had a crib.
29 Isaac wuz like 180 30 when he got pwned.
He wuz burreed by his sons Esau n Jacob.
Genesis 36
Esau's Kittehz
T his iz bout Esau's kittehz, and gitz srsly
borin if u wun skip it lol!!!1 2 Essau got wit
Canaan catsez in heat: Elon teh Hittite's
dotter Adah, an Oholibamah (reel name!)
Anah's kitteh and so on- 3 n also Basemath
kitteh of Ishmael and littermayt of Nebaioth.
4 (Did i tel u can skip this lol?) Adah dun
whelpz Eliphaz 2 Esau, Basemath whelpz
Reuel, 5 and Oholibamah (lol!) whelpz
Jeush, Jalam n Korah. Deez wer tomcat litter
of Esau, what wuz born in Canaan. 6 Esau
gotz all hiz girl catz and kittehs, an all teh
aminals an shinies an stuff from Canaan, and
roamded. 7 But they had 2 many toyz. 8 So
Esau roamded moer and goez to Seir. 9 K an
this iz abowt Esau, liek i alredy sayed. 10
This wut Esau calld his sonz, but iz not gon
be on test or nething: 11 Eliphaz wuznt
neutered 2: 12 Eliphaz had girl on side
named Timna, she dun whelpt Amalek. Is
grandsunz of Adah in case yu wernt followin.
13 Reuel wuznt fikksed 2: 14 Oholibamah's
litter wit Esau: 15 An dese ar bosscatz what
camed owt Essau's litter: 16 Bosscatz
Teman, Omar, Zepho, Kenaz, 17 Korah,
Gatam an Amalek. Bosscatz. Adah wuz there
granma. 18 Bak 2 Reuel agin: 19 An mor
from Oholibamah: 20 Those wuz Esau's
litter. 21 Seir teh Horite wuznt fikksed either.
Srsly, WTF??!!1!: 22 Lotan, Shobal, Zibeon,
Anah, 23 Dishon, Ezer an Dishan. Theez
bosscatz. 24 Lotan had kittehz: 25 Shobal
had kittehz 2: 26 Zibeon 2. No 1 wuz getin
25
fixded bak den: 27 Anah had kittehz 2.
Surprize lol: 28 Dishon had kittehz. I tole yu
can skip this alreddy: 29 Ezer's kittehz: 30
Dishan's litter: 31 Deez r Horite bosscatz: 32
Lotan, Shobal, Zibeon, Anah, 33 Dishon,
Ezer n Dishan. Liek i jus sayed, those wer
bosscatz.
Teh Bossez of Edom
34 K were doin moer bossez now. Deez wuz
all bossez in Edom befoer any Israelite boss
evn: 35 Bela wuz boss of Edom an hiz dad
wuz Beor. His place wuz calld Dinhabah. 36
Bela got ded, so then Jobab wuz boss. 37
Jobab dieded 2, then Husham wuz boss. 38
Husham got ded 2, so Hadad, who srsly
pwned Midian in teh face, got to be boss. Hiz
city naym Avith. 39 An Hadad got ded, so
den Samlah iz boss. 40 Then Samlah got ded,
Shaul wuz next boss. 41 An Shaul dieded 2,
so Baal-Hanan wuz next. 42 Baal-Hanan
dieded, an Hadad wuz boss. Hiz city naym
Pau, an hiz wife wuz Mehetabel. 43 These
bossez from Esau's litter, organyzd an stuff:
44 Timna, Alvah, Jetheth, 45 Oholibamah,
Elah, Pinon, 46 Kenaz, Teman, Mibzar, 47
Magdiel and Iram. Them iz bossez of Edom,
wut with ware they livded an stuff.
Genesis 37
Joseph maik pikchurz in hed wile
sleepz
A n Jacob livd in place calld Canaan wher
no1 noo hiz famlyz An no1 carez if he wuz
n00b. 2 This iz story ov Jacob. Iz rly story of
joseph but teh 1th ppl who rited teh bibel
rited it down rong. mus b cuz ov teh funny
alfabetz. Joseph wuz 17 yrz old kidz An 1 dai
he An his bros wuz givin cookies 2 teh
sheeplz. An Joseph wuz brown nose An told
hiz old man all teh wikkid stuffs dey did like
raedin wikkidpedia An masturbatin An
smokin weedz An stealin pplz stufz An stuf.
3 Now Israel whos rael naim wuz jacob liekd
Joseph mor than all his othr kidz, cuz he wuz
old man wehn joseph wuz bornd so he wuz
like grandson wich iz mor fun: An he made
him sum badass pimp cloths an some totally
1337 kickz An wud of gaev him a totally
trickd out gangsta ride but carz wuznt nventd
yet. 4 An when his bros saw taht Jacob liekd
Joseph mor than ne ov dem, dey hatez him
An getz all pissed off An stuf An getz all up
in hiz face An sed rly r00d mean ingorent
thingz 2 him. 5 An Joseph cud haz wierd
drem, An he told his bros wich wuz rly
stoopid n00b thing 2 do but he didz it newai:
An they hatez him alot mor An getz even
mor pissed off An stuf.. 6 An he sed 2 them
lissen up d00dz, I can haz wierd drem liek
htis: 7 we wuz in ur field harvestin ur weetz
cuz it wuz farmrz dai off (cuz dey maded
untied farmwrkrz union dammit), An all ur
weetz wuz blong 2 my weetz. 8 An his bros
sed 2 him, wtf u ben smokin? u think u b
king or sumthin? u thinkz u iz bosscat of us?
An they hatez him evn mor cuz ov his drems
An wot he sed 2 dem. 9 An he cud haz nothr
wierd drem An told his bros yo d00dz, I haz
a nothr wierd drem, An chek dis out, teh sun
An teh moon An teh eleven stars r blong 2
me. 10 An he told it 2 his old man, An 2 his
bros: An his old man got all up in his face An
sez wot u ben smokin An y u haz wierd
dremz? iz me An ur momcat An all ur bros r
blong 2 u? 11 An his bros wuz rly jelus of
him; but his old man rmembrd wot he sed.
Joseph'z bros sel him
12 An his bros went 2 Shechem 2 getz mor
cookiez 4 teh sheepz. 13 An Israel whos rael
naim wuz jacob sed 2 Joseph, did ur bros gon
2 Shechem 2 getz cookies 4 teh sheepz? i
wantz u 2 goez An mek shur deyz alrite. An
he sed k. 14 An he sed 2 him, Go find out if
ur bros An teh sheeplz iz alrite; An com bax
An tellz me. So he sed k, gon 2 shechem, brb.
15 An he gotz losted (fuxxing
mapquest!!!!1!!) An sum d00d finded him An
axt him, wut u lookin 4? 16 An he sed i iz
lookin 4 my bros who iz gon 2 getz cookies 4
teh sheeplz. 17 An teh d00d sed, dey r gon
An dey sed letz goez 2 Dothan cuz dey has
betr cookies tehre. An Joseph sed kthxbai An
finded his bros in Dothan. 18 An wen dey
seez him An he wuz stil on teh roadz long
wais awai lookin 4 dem, they deciedd 2 pwnz
him. 19 An they sed look d00dz, teh kid wot
can haz teh wierd dremz iz comin. 20 so letz
us pwnz him, An trhow him in2 sum pit, An
we will say sum evil aminal like crocodiel or
lion or lolrus eated him: An 2 hell with hiz
drems lol. 21 An Reuben hurdz dem, An he
sed dont pwnz him cuz u will loses pointz. 22
so dont pwnz him, jus trhow him into sum pit
26
way out in teh booniez, An dont hurtz him.
cuz Reubn kind of liekd joseph An wuz sort
of brown nose 2 An thot he mite taekz him
bak 2 his old man wen no1 wuz lookin but he
didnt tellz tehm taht.. 23 An so when Joseph
finded his bros, dey took awai hiz totally
badass cloths, An his totally 1337 kickz 2.
but dey cudnt taek hiz pimp ridez cuz carz
wuznt inventd yet. 24 An they trhowd him
in2 a pit An tehr wuznt eny waterz in it. no
cheezburgrz or cookies either. 25 An it wuz
tiem 4 lunch so dey sitz down An eatz
cheezburgrz An cookies: An they saw a crew
ov Ishmeelites form Gilead goin 2 egypt with
lotz ov camels An all kindz ov rly gud herbz
An weedz An othr rly gud stufz taht wuz liek
catnipz 4 ppl An wuznt illegalz yet cuz
Ceiling Cat didnt mek ne lawz yet but taht
wuz ok cuz he wuz gonna maek alot of lawz
l8r in exodus An leviticus An numb3rs An
d00teromony. 26 An Judah sed i can has
good idea: we no pwnz him, we can sellz him
and has a money. 27 we dosent has to pwnz
him if we can sellz him. An his bros sed k. 28
Then dey met sum Midianitez; An they takez
Joseph out ov teh pit, An sellz him 2 tehm 4
20 moneyz: An dey takez Joseph 2 Egypt. 29
An l8r Reuben cam bak 2 teh pit; An seez
taht Joseph wuz gon; An he tore up his cloths
cuz dats wot peepz did wen dey wuz liek all
sad An emo An stufz bak in teh dai. 30 An he
sez 2 his bros, josepf iz gon, wtf r we gonna
do now? 31 An they took Josephs totally
badass cloths, An killz 1 ov teh goats An puts
teh blood all ovr teh badass pimp cloths An
letz teh othr goatz eatz teh totally 1337 kickz;
32 An they brought teh cloths 2 ther old man
An sed, we founded htese totaly badass
cloths. r htey joseph cloths or not.. 33 An he
knew it, An sed, iz my sons cloths; sum evil
aminal eated him liek he wuz cookie; Joseph
is 4 shur torn up in litel peeces. srsly. 34 An
Jacob tor up his cloths, An put on sackcloth
taht wuz rly scratchy, An wuz all sad An emo
4 raely long tiem. 35 An all his wiefs An kidz
trys 2 maekz him feelz mor betr but wuz no
workin An he sed i iz gonna b all sad An emo
til i diez. so he kept on bein all sad An emo
An stufz. 36 An in egypt teh Midianites sold
joseph 2 sum d00d naimd Potiphar, who wuz
Pharaohs captain ov teh guard wich iz sorta
liek teh cheef of poleesez.
Genesis 38
Judah an Tamar go 2 whitecastle
T ehn Judah lefted hiz brotherz and
wented to stai wif one of Adullam's d00ds,
Hirah. 2 Judah meeted Shua there. He wuz a
Canaanite wif h0t dotter. Judah WANT. They
wuz married n HARBLZ WENT WHERE? 3
She gotted pregnant and nameded her kitten
Er. 4 N she hadded a secnd kitten n nameded
him Onan. 5 N a third kitten Shelah. He wuz
bornd at Kezib. 6 Judah wuz liek "I gots wife
for u Er, her name iz Tamar." 7 But Ceiling
Cat was watching Er be badz! so Ceiling Cat
killded him. 8 Then Judah wuz liek "OK
Onan, u know WHERE HARBLZ GO wif ur
brother's wife. Its ur job now to make kittenz
for ur brother." 9 But Onan knew that the
kittenz would not be hiz (bcz thatz how
Jewish law workt LOL) so he wuz all "DO
NOT WANT" n soz he pulld out n got man
juice on teh floorz. 10 Ceiling Cat didnt likez
that neithr cuz tehn no kittehz are get created.
So Ceiling Cat killded him too. 11 Then
Judah was liek "Tamar, live liek a widow in
ur father's house until mai son Shelah grows
up." See Judah thought Shelah would die liek
hiz brotherz. Tamar was liek "OK." 12 So aftr
a long tiem Judah's wife died. She wuz
Shua's daughtr remembr. Aniwai when Judah
felt bettr he wented to Timna wif hiz frend
Hirah teh Adullamite to shear hiz sheepz.
The sheepz wuznt Hirah's, they wuz Judah's.
13 When Tamar finded out Judah wuz
coming 14 she taked off her black clothes n
putted on a veil for a disguise. Then she
sitted down at teh entrance to Enaim. That iz
on teh way to Timnah OK? This wuz bcz
Shelah wuz grown up now but he hadnt
married her. 15 Judah seed her and wuz liek
"OMG hookr!" bcz her face wuz covered. 16
N he wuz all liek "Hey babi." Tamar wuz liek
"How much?" 17 "A babi goat," sez Judah.
"OK but until I getz it?" sez Tamar. 18 "Liek
what duz u wantz?" sez Judah. 19 "Ur seal n
itz cord n ur staff," said Tamar. So he gived
them to her and HARBLZ WENT WHERE?
n she gotted pregnant. 20 Then she left and
taked off her disguise and putted her black
clothes back on. 21 So Judah's friend Hirah
tried to take her teh goat, but he didn't finded
her. 22 He askded evribodi "Where iz that
hookr?" but they were all liek "No hookr
here!" 23 So he wented back and tolded
Judah "I didn't finded her n eniwai teh menz
wuz all liek 'No hookr here.'" 24 Then Judah
was like "Well she can haz my stuffz or
27
evribody will be liek LOL. I tried and sended
her teh goat but you couldn't finded her." 25
Three months aftr that some d00d told Judah,
"Tamar iz a hookr n she iz pregnant." Judah
wuz liek "Bring her out n burn her!" 26
When they did she sended Judah a message.
"Teh man who ownz these stuffz iz teh one
who gotted me pregnantz," she said. "U see
this befor?" 27 Judah was liek "OMG LOL
she winz! bcz I wouldn't let her marry mai
son Shelah." There wuz no more harblez
betwin Judah and Tamar aftr that. 28 She
hadded twins. 29 When tehy wuz bein bornz
one of tehm putted out hiz paw, n teh
midwife putted a red thread on it n said "U
wuz first." 30 But then he pullded hiz paw
back n hiz brother comed out. Teh midwife
was liek "So this is how you has brokened
out!" and they nameded him Perez. 31 N then
hiz brother, who hadded teh red thread on his
paw, comed out n they nameded him Zerah.
Genesis 39
Joseph DO NOT WANT Potiphar'z
skanky waifu
A n ne way teh ishmeelite d00dz taekz
Joseph 2 Egypt; An taht egyptian d00d
Potiphar who wuz pharos cheef ov poleesez
buyed him An gaev tehm alot of moneyz. 2
An Ceiling Cat wuz takin care ov Joseph, An
he can has lotz ov moneyz An got to liv in
potiphars base An eatz cheezburgrz An
cookies An sleep on nice comfortabuhlz bedz
An laptops An stuffs. 3 An potiphar saw taht
Ceiling Cat rly liekd joseph An evrything he
did workd out gud cuz Ceiling Cat rly liekd
him. 4 An potiphar seez taht Joseph wuz rly
gud d00d An rly gud bizness d00d 2 An he
maded him bosscat of his base An letz him
taekz care ov all his cheezburgrz An cookies
An puterz An moneyz An stufs. 5 An after all
taht, Ceiling Cat blessd potiphars base An his
farmz An all his stufs cuz he liekd joseph. 6
An potiphar letz Joseph be bosscat ov his
base An all hiz stuffs An he wuz liek rly rich
d00d wif acountentz so he didnt haz 2 pay
atenshun 2 how much moneyz An stufs taht
blongz 2 him, xcept teh cheezburgrz An
cookiez taht he eated. An Joseph wuz rly gud
d00d An he wuz teh cute 2. 7 An potipharz
wief seez taht Joseph wuz teh cute An she
sed we can haz sexxs? 8 But he sed no wai,
he maded me bosscat ov his base; 9 An i can Genesis 40
haz all his stufs but i no can has sexxs wif u
cuz u r his wief: An iz rly wikkid bad evil
thing An u must be raedin wikkidpedia An Joseph sez "Oh hai" 2 teh cupholder
Ceiling Cat wil b totaly pissed off if i haz an bredmaikr
sexxs wif u. 10 An she wuz buggin Joseph
evry dai 2 haz secks wif her but he wudnt do
it even tho he wuz n00b An didnt kno about
A n l8r pharos butler An his baker had
pissed him off. 2 An liek i just sed, pharo
“PENIS GOES WHERE?” but he thot he
wuz all pissed off An stuf at teh butler An teh
mite liek 2 find out sum dai. 11 An 1 dai
baker. (teh baker d00d didnt maded gud
Joseph went 2 werkz in potiphars base An no
cookies An stuffz. I dono wut teh butler d00d
menz wuz tehr. 12 An she grabz hold ov his
did, mai b he axidently spilt sumthin on
cloths An he runz awai rly fast but she didnt
pharo or letz teh dor shut in pharos face or
letz go of his cloths so he left dem tehre An
sumthin liek taht. ne wai pharo wuz liek all
ran wai nekid An she got all pissed off An
pissed off An stufz.) 3 An he put them in teh
emo An stuffz. 13 An when she saw taht he
prison wher Joseph wuz bosscat ov teh
ran awai nekid, 14 she IMd all teh minz An
prisonerz. 4 An teh captain ov teh guard sed
dey caem bak to teh base An she sed 2 tehm
joseph iz bosscat ov u, lissen 2 him An dont
see, dis Hebr00 d00d iz liek messin wif us;
maek trubl An he took care ov tehm An didnt
he wantd to haz sexxs wif me but I sed DO
letz any ov teh prisoners tryz to has buttsecks
NOT WANT!!!!11! 15 An when i sed DO
wif dem An they stays tehre 4 long tiemz. 5
NOT WANT!!1!!!1! he got skeerd An ran
An 1 nite teh butler d00d An teh bakr d00d
awai An left his cloths here. Naked jospeh
bof had wierd dremz An teh butler d00d
is..naked. 16 An she kept his cloths til
dremd about grapez An wien An teh baker
potiphar cam bak 2 his base. 17 An she sed
d00d dremd about cookiez. 6 An in teh
teh Hebrew d00d came in here An wantd 2
mornin Joseph saw taht dey wer all sad An
has sexxs wif me: 18 An when i sed DO
stuff cuz of teh wierd dremz. 7 An he axt
NOT WANT!!!!!!! he left his cloths here An
tehm y r u all sad An stuf 2dai? 8 An dey sed
ran awai nekid. but she didnt tellz him she
we can haz wierd dremz An we dont
thot joseph wuz teh cute An he wuz rly totaly
undrstanz dem An no 1 can tellz us wtf dey
teh cute when he wuz all nekid An stuffz An
meanz. An Joseph sed Ceiling Cat knos wot
she rly wantd to has sexxs wif him An she
dey meanz. tell me wot wuz dey about An i
wuz bein wikkid evil bitch An tryin to getz
wil axt Ceiling Cat. 9 An teh butler d00d sed,
him in trubl cuz she wuz all pissed off An
In my drem i saw a grapez vine; 10 An it had
stuff. 19 An when potiphar hurd wot his
3 branchz An sudenly it had grapez An stuf:
wikkid evil bitch wief sed, taht joseph tryz 2
11 An I took teh grapes An maded wien An
do wikkid evil stuff 2 her, he bleev her An
gaev it 2 pharo An pharo rly liekd it alot. 12
got all pissed off An stufs. 20 An he takez
An Joseph sed Ceiling Cat sez: teh 3 branchz
him An puts him into teh dunjun wif all teh
r 3 daze: 13 An in 3 dais pharo wil say iz ok i
wikkid evil ppl An teh othr peepz taht teh
liekz u again An he wil letz u out ov teh
king didnt liekz An he wuz ther in teh
prison An u wil be hiz butler again. 14 But
dunjun. (duh.) 21 But Ceiling Cat wuz takin
dont 4getz 2 do sumthin 4 me, pls tell
care ov Joseph An teh bosscat of teh prison
Pharaoh about me so he wil letz me out ov
liekd him cuz he wuz gud d00d An didnt mek
teh prison cuz it rly suxx 2 b in here: 15 An
ne trubl. 22 An teh bosscat of teh prison
cuz sum wikkid evil mean d00dz kidnapd me
maded joseph bosscat ov all teh prisoners An
form teh land ov teh Hebrews An i didnt do
he told dem all 2 be gud An not mek trubl An
ne wikkid evil stuf but dey puts me in teh
dey sed k cuz if dey didnt maekz trubl dey
dunjun ne wai. 16 When teh baker d00d hurd
cud haz gud fudz liek cheezburgrz An
taht teh butler d00dz drem wuz gud, he sed i
cookies An stufz insted ov just breds An
wuz in my drem 2 An I wuz carryin 3 bukkits
waterz An teh guardz wudnt beetz dem up
on my hed: 17 An in teh top bukkit tehre wuz
An stuf. 23 An teh bosscat of teh prison didnt
all kindz ov rly gud cookiez 4 pharo but he
haz to wry about teh dunjon ne mor; cuz
sed DO NOT WANT!!!!!!!!!! An he chopd of
Ceiling Cat wuz takin care ov joseph, An wot
my hed An hung me on a tree An teh burds
evr he did, Ceiling Cat wuz all kewl wif it.
eated teh cookies out ov teh bukkitz. 18 An
Joseph sed Ceiling Cat sez: teh 3 bukkitz r 3

28
daze: 19 An in 3 dais pharo wil chopz of ur
hed An hang u on a tree An teh burds wil
eatz u up An stuf liek u was cookies. 20 An
teh 3th dai wuz pharos burfdai An he can haz
huge party 4 all hiz peepz, wif cheezburgrz
An cookies An cakez An icecreemz An
stuffz. An he took teh butler d00d and teh
baker d00d out ov teh dunjun An brot dem to
teh partyz 4 all his peepz 2 see. 21 An he sed
to teh butler d00d, iz ok, i liekz u again, so u
can be my butler again; An teh butler d00d
sed k thx An gaev pharo sum wien: 22 But he
sed to teh baker d00d i dont liek u cuz u
maded bad cookies An DO NOT
WANT!!!!1!!!!1!: so he chopz off teh baker
d00ds hed An hung him on a tree An teh
burds eated him liek he wuz cookies, just liek
Joseph sed. 23 but teh butler d00d wuz so
xited he 4got 2 tellz pharo about Joseph.
Genesis 41
Pharoz Drem
A n aftr 2 years pharo can has wierd dremz
An he dremd he stood by teh rivr. 2 An 7 fat
moocowz cam up out ov teh river An eated
gras An stufz in teh field but dey didnt eated
teh catnipz cuz taht wuz blong 2 Ceiling Cat.
3 An 7 mor moocowz cam up out ov teh
river, An dey wer all skinny An ugly An dey
stood by teh othr moocowz by teh rivr. 4 An
teh 7 skinny moocowz eated up teh 7 fat
moocows. moocows dosent eats moocows irl
but it wuz drem so dey cud eatz dem. An
pharo woke up. 5 An he went bak 2 sleepz
An he can haz anothr wierd drem, An he saw
7 ears ov rly gud corm growin on 1 plant. 6
An 7 dryed up ears grew aftr taht. 7 An teh 7
dryd up ears eated up teh 7 rly gud ears.
cormz cant eatz othr cormz irl but it wuz
drem so dey cud eated tehm. An pharo woke
up An saw dat it wuz drem. 8 An in teh
mornin he wuz all skeerd An emo An stuffz
An he txtd all teh majic d00ds ov Egypt An
all teh rly smrt geek d00ds An sed com 2 my
base An pharo told tehm hiz drem; but no 1
cud tellz pharo wtf it meanz. 9 An then teh
butler d00d sed 2 pharo, oh noes i 4got 2 tellz
u An im rly sry: 10 1 dai pharo was all pissed
off An stuffz wif me An teh bakr d00d cuz
we rly skrood up An stuf, An teh cheef of
poleesez cam An puts me An teh bakr d00d
in teh dunjun An it rly suxxd: 11 An we bof
29
can haz wierd drems 1 nite. he dremd bout
bukkitz ov cookies An i dremd about grapez
An wien. 12 An a Hebrew d00d wuz bosscat
ov all teh prisonerz An he sed tellz me bout
ur drems An i wil axt Ceiling Cat wtf dey
meanz An we tellz him, An he tellz us bof
wtf teh dremz meanz. 13 An wut he tellz us
bout teh dremz happend irl, pharo tellz me iz
ok i lieks u again An he letz me be butler
d00d again but he chopd of teh bakers hed
An hung him on a tree An teh burds eated
him liek he wuz cookies. 14 Tehn pharo IMd
teh bosscat of teh dunjun An sed tell Joseph
to come ovr 2 my base, An dey took him out
ov teh prison An he took baffs wich wuz ok
cuz he wuz rly drty form bein in teh dunjun
An besiedz he liekd baffs, An he shave his
face cuz no 1 in egypt wuz muslimz yet An
teh hebrooz wuznt rly jooz yet so dey didnt
haz to has beardz An he put on sum noo clos
An sum noo sneekz An went 2 pharos base.
15 An pharo sed 2 Joseph i can haz wierd
dremz An no 1 can tellz me wtf it meanz An
teh butler d00d tellz me u nos wtf drems
meanz. 16 An Joseph sed i dono but i can axt
Ceiling Cat An he wil tellz me wtf it meanz
so u wil feelz betr An not b all skeerd An
stuffz. 17 An pharo sed 2 Joseph, In my drem
i wuz standin bai teh rivr: 18 An 7 fat
moocowz cam up out ov teh river An eated
gras An stufz in teh field but dey didnt eated
teh catnipz cuz taht wuz blong 2 Ceiling Cat.
19 An 7 mor moocowz cam up out ov teh
river, An dey wuz all skinny An ugly An i
nevr saw such skinny ugly moocowz in all
teh land ov Egypt. 20 An teh 7 skinny
moocowz eated up teh 7 fat moocows. 21 An
aftr dey eated tehm up, dey wer stil all skinny
liek dey didnt eated dem An tehn i woke up.
22 An i went bak 2 sleepz An i can haz nothr
wierd drem, An i saw 7 ears ov rly gud corm
growin on 1 plant. 23 An 7 dryed up ears
grew aftr taht. 24 An teh 7 dryd up cormz
eated up teh 7 rly gud cormz.. An i woke up
An saw dat it wuz drem. An I tellz taht 2 teh
majic d00dz An teh rly smrt geek d00dz but
no 1 knoz wtf it meanz. 25 An Joseph sed 2
pharo, bof teh drems meanz teh sam ting:
Ceiling Cat tellz pharo wutz gon 2 happn. 26
teh 7 fat moocowz r 7 gudyears but not teh
blimpz kind cuz blimpz haznt ben nventd yet.
An teh 7 gud cormz r 7 gudyears but not teh
blimpz kind yadda yadda An teh peepz can
has lotz ov cheezburgrs An cookies An stuffs
so its teh sam ting. 27 An teh 7 skinny ugly
moocowz r 7 years; An teh 7 dryd up cormz
meanz tehr wil b 7 bad years ov no
cheezburgrz An no cookies. 28 An liek i sed
b4, Ceiling Cat tellz u wots gonna happnz. 29
see, der wil b 7 gud years wif lotz ov
cheezburgrz An cookies An stuff all ovr
Egypt: 30 An aftr taht der wil b 7 years ov no
cheezbugrs An no cookies; An all teh peepz
in Egypt wil b hungry An starvin An stuf An
evn 4get wtf iz cheezburgrz An cookies; 31
An all dat hungryz An starvashun cuz of no
cheezburgrz An no cookies wil rly suxx. 32
An cuz pharo dremd teh sam drem 2x it
meanz taht Ceiling Cat iz rly gonna do all
taht rly soon. srsly. 33 so pharo shud getz a
rly gud smrt d00d An letz him b bosscat ov
teh land ov Egypt so pharo duznt haz 2 wry
bout it. 34 An pharo shud let him getz 5 otehr
gud smrt d00dz to werk 4 him An be
bosscatz ov teh land ov Egypt 4 teh 7 gud
years. (but joseph didnt thinx bout gettin sum
wiminz to do it cuz taht wuz
waybackintehwayback An wimin bosscats
hadnt ben nventd yet.) 35 An letz tehm
gather up lotz of cheezburgrz An cookies An
cakez An icecreemz An othr foodz An stufz
An mek shur dey getz lotz of cormz 2 An
bildz gynormus bildinz in teh cities 2 keep al
teh fudz in An dont 4gets teh katfudz An
catnipz 4 teh kittehs. 36 An u wil haz lotz of
fudz 4 teh 7 bad yearz of no cheezburgrz An
no cookies so teh ppl in egypt wont b all
hungry An starvin An dyin An stuffz. An
dont wry, Ceiling Cat wil makez mirakel An
teh icecreemz wont get all meltd An teh
meeses wont getz in2 teh bildinz An eatz up
all teh foodz An mek meese poopz all over it
cuz dat wud rly suxx. srsly. 37 An pharo sed
2 joseph, u iz rly gud smrt d00d. An all his
peepz thot so 2. 38 An pharo sed 2 his peepz,
wehre can we find sum1 2 do all dis stuffs?
An dey sed duh, getz joseph 2 do it. 39 An
pharo sed 2 Joseph, k ur teh 1 Ceiling Cat
talkz 2 An u r rly gud smrt d00d. u teh man.
40 i wil maeks u teh bosscat ov my base, An
u wil tellz all teh ppl wot 2 do: im teh only 1
gonna b ur bosscat cuz i iz pharo.
Joseph New Bosscat
41 An pharo sed 2 Joseph, See, I maekz u
bosscat ovr all teh land ov Egypt. 42 An
pharo tuk off his ring An put it on Josephs
hand but it didnt meanz dey wuz ngaged An
stuf, he just wantd 2 giv him some bling so
teh peepz wud seez dat he was bosscat An rly
important d00d An no 1 betr mess wif him,
30
An he gaev him sum rly badass clos An sum
totaly 1337 kicks An gaev him sum mor
bling so teh ppl wud be rly shur he wuz
bosscat. srsly. 43 An he gaev him his 2th best
tricked out ride but it wuz chariot cuz carz
hadnt ben nventd yet An wehn teh ppl seez
him comin dey getz all xited An sez respekz
tihs d00d cuz he iz bosscat ov all teh land ov
Egypt. 44 An pharo sed 2 Joseph, I am pharo,
An i sai no 1 in all teh land ov Egypt can do
ne thing unles u sez k. 45 An pharo sed u can
has new naim, i wil callz u Zaphnath-paaneah
wich iz rly hard 2 speel but teh egipshunz
had rly weird riting taht wuz all maed out ov
pitchurs nsted ov lettrz; An he letz him marry
Asenath wich is rly wierd naim 4 a grrrl cuz
it soundz kind ov drty An he finaly found out
bout “PENIS GOES WHERE?!” An she wuz
teh daughter ov Poti-pherah wich soundz
kind ov drty 2 An he wuz priest ov On wich
isnt hard 2 speel An dosent soundz drty. An
Joseph sed kthxbai An went all ovr teh land
ov Egypt in his tricked out ride tellin all teh
peepz wot 2 do An stuff An dey sed k. 46 An
Joseph was 30 yrz old wen pharo maded him
bosscat of egypt. An Joseph sed cul8r pharo i
haz 2 go 2 werk An stuff kthxbai, An went all
ovr Egypt in his tricked out ride but i alrdy
told u taht. 47 An 4 7 gudyears but not teh
blimpz kind cuz blimpz wuznt nventd yet,
lotz ov foodz grew An tehre wuz lotz ov
cheezburgrz An cookies An cakes An
icecreems An catfudz An catnipz An stuffs
An lotz of ppl An kittehs got fat An stuff
wich wuz ok cuz tehn dey wudnt starv l8r. 48
An he tuk all teh xtra peepz fudz An catz
fudz An catnipz ov teh 7 gud years An bilded
gynormus bildinz in teh cities An puts all teh
foodz An catnipz An stuffz in tehre. 49 An
Joseph puts so meny bukkitz An bukkitzz ov
cormz in tehr taht no 1 cud countz tehm.
wich wuz gud cuz popcorm had ben nventd
An all teh peeps liekd 2 eatz popcorm wen
dey wuz watchin dere dvdz An stuf An wehn
dey axidently dropz popcormz on teh flor teh
kittehs thinkx itz toyz An lieks to playz wif it
but dey duznt lieks 2 eatz it. 50 An Joseph
An asenath rly liekd taht “PENIS GOES
WHERE?” stufz An dey had 2 sons b4 teh
bad years ov no fudz cam. 51 An Joseph
naimz teh 1th kid Manasseh cuz he sed it
meanz Ceiling Cat maded me 4getz how
much mai lief suxxed b4 An how much i
missd my old mans base. 52 An he naimd teh
2th kid Ephraim cuz he sed it meanz Ceiling
Cat gaev me lotz An lotz of gud stuffz so mai
lief dosent suxx no mor. 53 An tehn teh 7
years ov lotz An lotz of cheezburgrz An
cookies An stuffz wuz ovr. 54 An teh 7 years
ov no cheezburgrz An cookies An stuffz cam
just liek Joseph sed: An ther wuz hungerz An
starvashunz An otehr bad stuffz all ovr teh
urths; but in Egypt der wuz lotz An lotz of
foodz An catnipz An stuf. 55 An wen all teh
peepz in Egypt gotz hungry, dey sed 2 pharo
we can haz cheezburgr? An pharo sed go 2
Joseph cuz he is bosscat ov u An do wot evr
he sez. An dey sed kthxbai.. 56 An ther wuz
hungerz An starvashunz An otehr bad stuffz
all ovr teh urths but i alrdy told u dat. An
Joseph opened up all teh gynormus bildinz
wer teh ppl foodz An cat fudz An catnipz An
stufz wuz, An he sold teh foodz An catnipz
An stufz 2 teh Egyptians An dey gaev him
alot ov moneyz An said thx 4 all teh fudz An
catfoodz An catnipz An stuffs kbye. 57 An
all teh peepz form teh hol urthz cam 2 Egypt
2 by ppl fudz An catfoodz An catnipz An
stuffs cuz der wuz hungryz An starvashunz
An bad stufz liek taht all ovr teh urths An
joseph sed u can haz cheezburgrz An cookies
An cakez An icecreemz An katfudz An
catnipz An stuf An dey gaev him lotz ov
moneyz An evry1 sed kthxbai.
Genesis 42
Joseph Broz go 2 Egypt
w ehn Jacob hurd taht tehr wuz
cheezburgrz An cookies An cornz An catnipz
An stufz in Egypt An teh peepz wuznt all
hungry An starvin An stuf, he sed 2 his kidz:
2 yo d00dz, i hurd dat tehr iz fudz An catnipz
An stuff in egypt. go tehre An buy sum so we
wont b all hungry An starving An gettin ded
An stuffs. An dont 4gets teh cat foodz An teh
catnipz cuz teh kittehs iz all hungry An
starvin An stuf 2. 3 An dey sed k, gon to
egypt, brb. 4 But Jacob wudnt let tehr kid bro
benjamin go wif dem cuz he thot, if all teh
kidz gets pwnzd by wikkid evil mean d00ds
wuts been raedin wikkidpedia, or if pharo
deciedz to pwnz dem, i stil can haz 1 kid
left.. 5 An jacobz sons went wif alot of othr
peepz 2 by foodz An stuff in egypt cuz lotz
of otehr ppl in canaan wuz all hungry An
starvin. 6 An Joseph wuz bosscat ov egypt
An he wuz bosscat ov all teh gynormus
bildins wehre teh ppl cud by cheezburgrz An
31
cookies An catnipz An stuf. An josephs 10
bros caem An bowed down 2 him with their
faces in teh drtz cuz tahts wut ppl use to do
bak in teh dai wen dey wantd 2 sho respext 4
bosscatz An pharos An important peepz liek
dat. 7 An wehn Joseph seez his bros, he
decieded 2 fakez dem out so he made liek he
didnt knos dem An he wuz all liek i iz
bosscat kiss my butt An he axt dem wehre u
caemz form? An they sed from Canaan An
we wantz 2 buy f00dz An stuffz cuz our
peeps An kittehs iz all hungry An starvin An
stuff. 8 An Joseph reckonizd his bros, but
they didnt reckonizd him cuz he jus lookd
liek big egipshun bosscat An besieds teh last
tiem dey saw him wuz wehn dey sold him 2
teh ishmeelitez 4 20 moneyz An he wuz kid
bak tehn. 9 An Joseph sed u iz spyz, u jus
wantz 2 seez if my peepz iz all hungry An
starvin An gettin ded liek all teh ohter ppl. 10
An they sed no wai, we wantz 2 buy f00dz
An stufz liek all teh othr ppl. 11 We r all bros
An we iz gud d00dz An not spyz. 12 An he
sed no wai, u iz spyz. 13 An they sed we r 12
bros but our kid bro is bak at our old manz
base An one ov our bros got ded long tiem
ago. 14 An Joseph sed i stil thinkx u r spyz:
15 so i no letz u goez bak 2 ur base til ur kid
bro com 2 my base. 16 if u dosent do htis u iz
spyz 4 shur An i iz gonna pwnz u. 17 An teh
cheef ov poleesez puts tehm in teh dunjon 4 3
dais. 18 An l8r Joseph sed 2 dem, Ceiling Cat
sez u go getz ur kid bro: 19 If u iz gud d00ds,
leav 1 ov ur bros in teh prison An taek all teh
cheezburgrz An cookies An cornz An
katf00dz An catnipz An stuffs bak 2 ur base:
20 An if u brngz ur kidbro bak to my base I
no pwnz him. 21 An they sed 2 each otehr,
We rly fuxxed up wif our othr bro An didnt
lissen 2 him An we did wikkid mean evil stuf
2 him An nao we iz scrood. srsly. 22 An
Reuben sed i told u so, i sed dont pwnz him
but u dosent lissen 2 me either An nao we iz
rly scrood 4 shur. 23 An dey didnt kno dat
Joseph undrstoodz dem. 24 An joseph sed
xqz me gotta go 2 teh sandboks brb An tehn
he got all sad An emo An stuff An cryed but
he didnt letz dem seez An den he cam bak An
took hiz bro Simeon An puts him bak in teh
dunjon. 25 Then Joseph tellz hiz peepz 2 giv
hiz bros lotz of cheezburgrs An cookies An
stufs An puts hter moneyz bak in hter bukkits
wif teh foodz An dey sed k. 26 An his bros
filz up all tehr bukkitz wif teh foodz An stuf
An sed gon 2 canaan kthxbai. 27 An it wuz
lunch tiem An one of teh bros went 2 gets
cheezburgrz An cookiez An seez his moneyz
in hiz bukkit wif teh fudz. 28 An he sed wtf i
has a money in my bukkit wif teh f00dz An
dey gotz all skeerd An almos had heart attaxz
An stuf An dey sed Ceiling Cat An teh
bosscat ov egypt mus b messin wif us. 29 An
they cam bak home 2 tehr old manz base An
sed 2 him: 30 teh bosscat ov egypt wuz mean
d00d An thot we wuz spyz or sumthin. 31 An
we sed no wai, we iz gud d00dz: 32 we iz 12
bros but 1 of dem got ded An our kidbro is
bak at our old manz base. 33 An teh bosscat
sed leev one of ur bros at my base An take
teh f00dz An stuf so u wont be all hungry An
starvin An gettin ded An stufz An go wai: 34
An bring ur kid bro bak 2 my base so i wil
know taht u r gud d00dz An not spyz An i
wil letz ur otehr bro out ov teh prison An u
can hangz out in egypt k? 35 An dey wuz
gettin all teh cheezburgrz An cookiez An
cakez An icecreemz An katf00dz An catnipz
outta teh bukkits An dey all sed wtf we has a
money! An dey An tehr old man got all
skeerd An stufz. srsly. 36 An Jacob sed wtf
Joseph is ded An Simeon iz in teh prison An
u will taek Benjamin 2 egypt An prity soon
all my kidz wil be gon. 37 An Reuben sed if
benjamin getz ded u can pwnz my 2 kidz. i
wil maek shur he getz bak to our base An not
getz pwnzd. 38 An he sed no wai, his othr
bro is ded An he no can haz no mor bros An
if sum1 pwnz him i wil has heart atakxz An
getz ded 2.
Genesis 43
Bak 2 Egypt
A n tehr wuz lotz of hungryz An
starvashuns An stuf An no cheezburgrz An
no cookies 4 long tiem. 2 An l8r wen dey had
eated up all teh fudz dey got form egypt,
jacob sed 2 his kidz go bak 2 egypt An say
we can has mor cheezburgrz An cookies An
stuff?. 3 An Judah sed rmembr, teh bosscat
ov egypt wuz mean d00d An he sed if we no
brngz our kidbro wif us, we no can goes bak
An we no can haz cheezburgrz An cookies
An stufz. 4 but if our kid bro comz wif us iz
k, we can haz cheezburgrz An cookies An
cornz An katf00dz An catnipz An stufz. 5 but
liek i jus sed teh mean bosscat d00d sez, if
ben dosent com wif us we no can goes bak. 6
An Israel whos rael naim wuz jacob sed wtf u
32
st00pid n00bz, y u tellz bosscat u haz othr
bro? 7 An dey sed teh bosscat axt us bout our
famly An wantd 2 kno if our old manz wuz
aliev or not An if we haz nothr bro An stuf
An we sed yes cuz Ceiling Cat sez u no tellz
lies speshly 2 bosscat. An we didnt kno
bosscat wud tellz us bring ur otehr bro 2 my
base or u no can haz cheezburgrs An cookies
An stufz. srsly. 8 An Judah sed pls letz us
taek him wif us so we can has mor
cheezburgrz An cookiez An stufz, An us An
u An our momcatz An our wiefs An our kidz
An all teh kittehs wont be all hungry An
starvin An gettin ded An stufs. 9 I wil taekz
care ov him An bringz him rite bak 2 u. An if
I duznt brngz him bak all saef An stuffs tehn
u can pwnz me or wot evr. 10 see, if we
tookz him wif us b4 we cud alrdy haz mor
cheezburgrz An cookies An stuffz. 11 An
jacob sed k, but taek sum ov our stufz bak 2
teh bosscat, liek nutz An spicez An teh
weedz dat iz liek catnipz 4 peepz so he wont
b all pissed off An stuffs. 12 An taek all teh
moneyz bak 2, mai b sum1 4got 2 taek it b4.
13 An letz ben go bak 2 Egyptz wif u: 14 An
i wil axt Ceiling Cat Almighty 2 mek bosscat
not b mean d00d An letz all ov u comz bak
saef. If u getz pwnzd i wil be all sad An emo
An can haz hart atacxx An stufz but wtf if u
duznt go i wil getz ded form hungrz An
starvashunz newai. cul8r bai. 15 An dey tuk
all dat stufs An 2x teh moneyz An sed gon 2
egypt brb k bai An dey went bak 2 seez
bosscat joseph. 16 An when joseph seez all
hiz broz An evn hiz kidbro, he sed 2 hiz
butler d00d, u taekz htese hebroo d00dz bak
2 my base An mekz sum cheezburgrz An
cookies An stufs cuz iz lunch tiem An dese
menz iz can haz lunch wif me. 17 An teh
butlr d00d sed k cul8r bai An taekz all teh
bros to josephs base. 18 An all teh bros wuz
skeerd An they sed oh noes, bosscat iz mean
d00d An mai b he knos bout teh moneyz wut
wuz wif teh f00dz wehn we wnet bak 2 our
base An mai b he wil getz teh cheef of
poleesez 2 trhow us bak in teh dunjun An
taht wil rly suxxz. srsly. 19 An dey wuz
skeerd to goes in josephs base An dey stayd
outsied wif teh butlr d00d. 20 An dey sed we
wuz in ur egypt buyin ur foodz b4 An den we
went bak 2 our base. 21 An wen it wuz lunch
tiem we wuz getin out teh cheezburgrz An
cookies An stufs An sed wtf we haz a
money! An we thot sum1 forgot 2 taek it b4
so we brot it bak An bosscat can haz 2x teh
moneyz kkkk? 22 cuz we r gud menz An
dosent kno who puts teh moneyz bak in our
bukkits An we didnt steelz nethin. 23 An teh
butlr sed dont wry, ur Ceiling Cat tellz me
put teh moneyz bak in tehr wif teh foodz An i
sed k. An he sed simeon com out here ur bros
iz her An he sed k. 24 An teh butlr d00d sed
u all comz in teh base An u can has baffz An
stuffz An dey sed k thx cuz dey wuz all drty
An dey liekd baffs. An he tellz his peepz to
giv tehr donkeyz sum foodz but not
cheezburgrz An cookies cuz donkyz duznt lik
cheezbugrz An cookiez An dey sed DO NOT
WANT!!!!!!1!1! so dey can haz gras An stuf
but dey cant haz catnipz cuz taht iz blong 2
Ceiling Cat. 25 An teh butler d00d sez iz
lunch tiem An u can haz cheezburgrz An
cookies An stuf An dey sed kewl, thx. 26 An
Joseph cam bak 2 hiz base An dey gaev him
all teh nutz An spicez An weedz taht iz liek
catnip= 4 peepz An bowed down 2 him again
cuz dat wuz how peepz use 2 sho respeckz 4
bosscats bak in teh dai. 27 An he axt dem
how r u doin An howz ur old man An is he
stil aliev. 28 An dey sed he iz ok jus hungryz
An stuf liek all teh otehr ppl An they bowed
down 2 him again cuz dey wuz all skeerd An
stuf. 29 An tehn he seez hiz kidbro wut hadz
teh same momcat An axt is htis ur kid bro An
he sed dont wry, Ceiling Cat taekz caer ov u
An no letz ne1 pwnz u. 30 An Joseph sed xqz
me gotz to go 2 sandbockz brb An he went
An got all emo An cryed An stuff. 31 An he
cam bak An sed itz lunch tiem An we can haz
cheezburgrz An cookiez An stufz. 32 An they
eated tehr lunchz. 33 An all teh bros sed
w00t, bosscat duznt be mean d00d An tihs iz
rly gud fudz An we can eatz lunch wif
bosscat An how kewl iz taht? 4 rael. 34 An
joseph gaev evry1 lotz of fudz An stuffz but
he gaev teh most foodz 2 benjamin cuz he
raely liekd him alot. An dey can haz wien An
cakez An icecereemz An stuffz liek it waz
burfdai prty or sumthin An dey wuz all happy
An stufs cuz bosscat didnt pwnzd tehm or
trhowz dem in teh dunjun An othr mean stuff.
Genesis 44
A silber kup found inna sak
A n he tellz hiz butler d00d fill up evry1s
bukkit wif foodz An catnipz An stufz An put
evry1s moneyz bak in teh bukkitz 2. 2 An put
my favorit silver cup in teh kidbros bukkit
33
wif hiz moneyz An he sed k. 3 An in teh
mornin all teh bros sed thx 4 all teh
cheezburgrs An cookiez An cornz An catnipz
An lunchz An stufz, cul8r bai. 4 An aftr dey
left Joseph sed 2 his cheef of poleesez, u
goez after htose hebroo d00ds An say wtf, y
u duz wikkid evil ting, u ben raedin
wikkidpedia or wot? 5 did u steelz bosscats
favrit silver cup wen u wuz in hiz base eatin
ur lunchs? iz wikkid An evil An ur Ceiling
Cat sez u no steelz stuf form ppl, rite?. 6 An
he catchs up wif tehm An sed wot bosscat
joseph sed. 7 An they sed wait a minit, wtf he
sez taht 4? Ceiling Cat sez u no steelz stuffs
form teh peepz An we r gud minz An we duz
wot Ceiling Cat sez. 8 rmember we wuz in ur
egypt byin ur foodz b4 An we finded teh
moneyz in teh bukkits wif teh foodz An we
brot it bak An sed 2 bosscat u can has 2x teh
moneyz k? y u tink we steelz form bosscat? 9
look in all our bukkitz An if u findz it u can
pwnz who evr haz it An u can puts us bak in
teh dunjon k?. 10 An he sed I iz not mean
d00d so i jus puts teh 1 who stol it bak in teh
prison An all u othr d00dz can goes bak 2 ur
old manz base k? 11 tehn dey opend up all
teh bukkits An stufz so teh cheef ov poleesez
cud seez. 12 An he finded teh silvr cup in
benjamins bukkit. 13 den dey got all skeerd
An took all teh foodz An catnipz An stufz
bak 2 teh city. 14 An all teh bros went 2
josephs base An dey bowed down 2 him cuz
dey wer skeerd An dey didnt wants bosscat
joseph 2 be all pissed off cuz taht wud rly
suxx. srsly. 15 An Joseph sed wtf u did? dont
u knos i iz majik d00d An can seez stuff liek
taht? 16 An Judah sed we no steelz nething
An u gotz 2 bleev us. Ceiling Cat knos wot
happnd An if we steelz nethin u can pwnz us
or puts us bak in teh dunjun or wotevr. 17 An
Joseph sed ur Ceiling Cat tellz me not 2
pwnz u. but teh d00d wot steeld my favrit
cup haz 2 goes 2 teh prison An teh rest of u
can goes bak 2 ur old manz base. 18 den
Judah sed i can tellz u sumthin pls? An pls
dont get all pissed off An stufz cuz i knos u r
big bosscat almos liek pharo An I dont want
to b rood or nethin. 19 rmembr u axt us if we
haz othr bros An if our old man wuz stil
aliev? 20 An we sed our old man iz stil aliev
An we hav a kid bro An his otehr bro who
haz teh same momcat got ded long tiem ago
An he iz teh only 1 who has teh same
momcat An our old man rly luvs him alot.
srsly. 21 An u tellz us bring him here 2 my
base cuz i wantz 2 seez him. 22 An we sed
we no can do taht cuz our old man wud be so
sad An stufs taht he can has hart attacx or
sumthin An get ded. 23 An u sed if we duznt
brngz our kidbro bak 2 ur base den we no can
com bak An we no can has mor cheezburgrz
An cookies An cornz An catmipz An stufz 24
An wen we wnet bak 2 our old manz base we
told him wot u sed An he wuz all skeerd An
stuffz An sez i no can lets him goes cuz sum1
mite pwnz him or crocodielz or lions or
lolrusz mite eatz him. 25 An tehn l8r he sed 2
us go bak 2 egyptz An say we can has mor
cheezburgrs An cookies An cornz An catnipz
An stufs?. 26 An we sed we no can goes bak
tehre cuz teh bosscat wuz mean d00d An he
sed if u no brngz ur 27 An our old man sed 2
us hiz momcat only had 2 kidz, 28 An 1 of
tehm iz gon An i think sum1 pwnzd him or
he got eated by crocodiel or lion or lolruz An
dat wuz long tiem ago. 29 An if his kid bro
getz ded i wil be so sad An emo An stuffz, i
can has hart attackxxz An stuf An get ded. 30
so if benjamin no can goes bak 2 our old
manz base, our old man mite can has hart
atakxs An get ded cuz he luvz him so much.
srsly. 31 An we tink ov him getin ded An we
say DO NOT WANT!!!!!!!!!!!! 32 so i sed to
our old man i wil taeks caer ov him An if he
getz ded u can pwnz me or wot evr. 33 so pls
trhow me in teh prison insted An let our kid
bro go back to our old mans base. 34 see i no
can goes bak to our old manz base if our kid
bro no can goes 2. cus liek i jus sed our old
man can has hart attakxxxz An get ded An
DO NOT WANT!!!!11!!!!
Genesis 45
Joseph sez "Surpriz, itz me!"
h ten Joseph cudnt stopz form gettin all
emo An stuffz An he sed 2 his peepz all u
d00dz go wai An dey sed k. An Joseph stopz
fakin out his bros. 2 An he got all emo. srsly.
An he cryed An stufz An all teh Egyptians in
pharos base hurd him but taht wuz k cuz
menz wuz aloud 2 cryz back in teh day. 3 An
Joseph said hai, I iz ur bro Joseph. iz our old
man stil aliev? An his bros wuz getin all
skeerd An stufz An didnt knoes wtf 2 do. 4
An Joseph sed 2 his bros bleev me i iz Joseph
ur bro wut u selld to teh egypshunz 4 20
moneyz long tiem ago. 5 but dont b all sad
An skeerd An stufz cuz Ceiling Cat wantd
34
me 2 com here An saev teh ppl An teh kittehs
form starvin An getin ded form teh hungerz.
6 cuz teh hungerz An starvashunz haz ben
goin on 4 2 yrz An we stil can haz 5 mor yrs
ov no cheezburgrz An no cookiez An stuf. 7
An Ceiling Cat wantd me 2 mek shur hter wil
b enuf cheezburgrz An cookies An cornz An
katfudz An catnipz An stuffs so teh peepz An
teh kittehs wont get ded form teh hungrz An
starvashunz. 8 So u didnt rly do wikkid evil
thing even tho it lookd liek u did. Ceiling Cat
maded u do it. srsly. An he tellz pharo 2
maekz me bosscat ov all his base An ov all
teh land ov Egypt. so tehre. 9 so u can goez
bak 2 ur old manz base An tellz him joseph
sez Ceiling Cat maded me bosscat ov all teh
Egypts An he can comz ovr 2 my base rite
awai. 10 An i maekz base 4 u in teh land ov
Goshen An u An ur wiefs An ur kidz An tehr
wiefs An ur hol famlyz An ur kittehs An ur
moocows An ur sheeplz can livz tehre. 11 An
i wil givz u lotz of cheezburgrz An cookies
An cornz An catf00dz An catnipz cuz htere
wil b 5 mor yrs ov hungerz An starvashunz
An no cheezburgrz An no cookies An if u
staiz in canaan u mite get ded form teh
hungrz An starvashunz An DO NOT
WANT!!!1111!!!!!! 12 newai u can lookz at
me An seez taht i iz ur bro. 4 rael. 13 An tell
our old man taht im in ur egyptz bein teh
bosscat An teh egypt is gud place 4 base An
he shud com here rite awai. 14 An joseph got
all emo again An it wuz huggz tiem An he
An benjamin had big huggz An cryed An
stuf. 15 An all his otehr bros got all emo 2
An it wuz rly rly huggz tiem. srsly. 16 An
evry1 in pharos base sed Josephs bros are
heer, how kewl iz dat? An pharo An all his
peepz sed w00t!. 17 An pharo said 2 Joseph
all ur bros can goes bak 2 ur old manz base.
18 An bringz him An all ur famlyz An
moocows An sheepz An kittehs bak 2 egypt:
An I wil maekz base 4 htem An dey can has
lotz ov cheezburgrz An cookies An cornz An
catf00ds An catnipz An stuf. 19 An dey can
haz wagons 4 teh famlyz An teh kittehs but
teh moocows An teh sheeplz can walkz. but
sry i no can givz tehm truckx cuz truckx
haznt ben nventd yet An u rly shud axt ur
Ceiling Cat bout taht cuz soundz liek gud
idea. 20 An tel tehm dont wry about all ur
otehr stufs cuz u can has all new stuffs form
teh egyptz. An not walmart stuffz either, u
can haz teh rly gud stuf liek bloomingdalez
An nieman marcus. 21 so pharo tellz joseph 2
giv dem 10 wagonz but no truckx cuz truckx
wuznt nventd yet An joseph gave tehm f00dz
2 so dey wudnt haz to stopz at mcdonalds.
wich wuz gud cuz mcdonalds wuznt inventd
yet either but pharos cheezburgrz wuz alot
betr newai. An no can haz truckx was k 2 cuz
gas wuznt nventd yet. 22 he gaev htem all
noo clos but he gaev Benjamin mor clos den
ne1 An he gaev him 300 moneyz 2. 23 An he
gaev tehm 20 donkys wut wuz carryin ppl
fudz An cat f00dz An a lotz ov othr rly gud
stufffs 2 taeks wif tehm. oh An donky foodz
2 cuz liek i sed b4 donkyz dosent lieks
cheezburgrz An cookies. 24 An dey sed kthx
gon 2 canaan brb An he sed wach out An
dont letz ne1 pwnz u An dont letz teh
crocodielz An teh lionz An teh lolruses eatz u
k bai. 25 An htey went bak 2 tehr old manz
base An no1 pwnzd dem An teh crocodielz
An teh lions An teh lolrusz did not eated
htem. 26 An dey toldz Jacob Joseph iz in ur
egyptz bein teh bosscat ov all ov it. An Jacob
didnt bleev htem An sed wtf no wai u 4 rael?!
An he almos cud has hartatakkxz but he
didnt. wich wuz gud cuz cpr wuznt nventd
yet. 27 An dey tellz him wot Joseph sed 2
dem An when he seez all teh wagons An teh
donkyz he sed k i bleevs u. rly. 28 An Israel
whos rael naim wuz Jacob sed how kewl is
taht! Joseph iz aliev An iz bosscat of all teh
egyptz. w00t! i can goes 2 seez him An b wif
him An haz noo base b4 i get ded.
Genesis 46
Jacob skedaddles 2 Egypt
A n Israel whos rael naim wuz jacob taekz
all hiz wiefs An hiz kidz An ther wiefs An
hter kidz An his kittehs An hiz moo cowz An
his sheeplz An stufs An said gon 2 egyptz An
not brb k bai. An dey caem to Beer-sheba An
jacob sed we can has bbq An htey burnt up a
moocow An a sheepl An lotz ov catnipz An
Ceiling Cat sed kthx ur rly g00d peepz An i
lieks u alot. 2 An Ceiling Cat sed Jacob,
Jacob. An he sed im in ur beersheba lissenin
2 Ceiling Cat. 3 An Ceiling Cat sed I am
Ceiling Cat An teh Ceiling Cat of ur old man
isaac. dont b all skeerd of goin 2 Egypt cuz u
can has base htere An u can haz gynormus
famlyz An call dem teh israelitez. 4 I wil b in
ur egyptz watchin ovr u An ur peepz. An
evry wher els 2. 5 An Jacob sed we has a
wagonz. An we can goes 2 egypts An Ceiling
35
Cat sez iz gonna b k An wikkid evil ppl no
can pwnz us An crocodiels An lionz An
lolrusz no can eatz us. 6 An he taekz all teh
kittehz An teh moo cows An teh sheeplz An
stufz An sed gon 2 egypts An not brb kbai. 7
An all hiz wiefs An hiz kidz An ther wiefs
An teh hol famlyz sed gone 2 egyptz An not
brb kbai. An wuz alrdy big famlyz cuz jacob
can has 4 wiefs An dey did alot ov PENIS
GOES WHERE?! srsly. 8 An htese are all ov
jacobs peepz. An most ov dem has wierd
naemz cuz teh 1th peepz who rited teh bibbl
can haz weird alfabetz. 9 jacobs kid Reuben
who wuz not sammich had teh kidz Hanoch
An Phallu An Hezron An Carmi. 10 An
jacobs kid Simeon had teh kidz Jemuel An
Jamin An Ohad An Jachin An Zohar An
Shaul. 11 An jacobs kid Levi who wuz not
pantz had teh kidz Gershon An Kohath An
Merari. 12 An jacobs kid Judah had teh kidz
Er An Onan An Shelah An Pharez An Zerah
but Er An Onan wuz alrdy got ded. An
Pharez had teh kidz Hezron An Hamul. 13
An jacobs kid Issachar had teh kidz Tola An
Phuvah An Job who wuz a rael piece ov werk
An Shimron. 14 An jacobs kid Zebulun had
teh kidz Sered An Elon An Jahleel. 15 An
htose kids momcat wuz Leah An hter sis wuz
Dinah so tehr wuz 30 An 3 ov dem countin
all teh kidz kidz. 16 An jacobs kid Gad had
teh kidz Ziphion An Haggi An Shuni An
Ezbon An Eri An Arodi An Areli. 17 An
jacobs kid Asher had teh kidz Jimnah An
Ishuah An Isui An Beriah An Serah ther sis.
An Beriah had teh kidz Heber An Malchiel.
18 An thos kidz momcat wuz Zilpah An tehr
wuz 16 ov em countin all teh kids kidz. 19
Jacob's wief rachel had teh kidz Joseph An
Benjamin. 20 An jacobs kid Joseph had teh
kidz Manasseh An Ephraim in teh egpyt An
ther momcat wuz Asenath. 21 An jacobs kid
Benjamin did alot ov PENIS GOES
WHERE!? An had teh kidz Bela who wuz
not dracula An Becher An Ashbel An Gera
An Naaman An Ehi An Rosh An Muppim
who wuz not muppet An Huppim An Ard. 22
so countin all teh kidz kidz ther wuz 14 of
dem. 23 An jacobs kid Dan had teh kid
Hushim. 24 An jacobs kid Naphtali had teh
kidz Jahzeel An Guni An Jezer An Shillem.
25 An bilhah wuz tehr momcat. 26 so all
Jacobs famlyz who caem form canaan wuz
60 An 6 ppl not counting hiz kids wiefs An
sum1 4got to rite down teh kids wiefz naims.
27 An liek i sed b4, Joseph had 2 kidz in teh
egyptz. so jacob can has 60 An 10 ppl in his
hol famlyz but is k u no duz teh maths. 28 An
judah axt joseph goshen is where An he told
him so he dosnt haz 2 use f******xing
mapquest!!! An htey said gon 2 Goshen cul8r
kthxbai. 29 An Joseph can has chariot cuz
cars wuznt inventd yet An he sed 2 pharo gon
2 goshen brb An wnet 2 see his old man An
dey got all emo An it wuz huggz tiem An dey
cryed alot cuz dey wuz all happie An xited
An stuff. 30 An jacob sed thx muchz to
Ceiling Cat cuz i can seez joseph agin An he
iz aliev An i can gets ded from bein all hapy
An xcited An stuf.. 31 An Joseph sed i tellz
pharo dat all my famlyz iz in teh egpyt. gone
2 pharos base kbai 4 naow. 32 An jacob An
his kidz exept 4 joseph who wuz bosscat ov
egpyt An his kidz kids wuz shepherds An can
has lotz of moocows An sheeplz An dey
brung all of tehm 2 egypts. 33 An jospeh sed
pharo is gonna axt u wat u do 4 werk. 34 An
u tellz dem we is shepherds An has lotz ov
moo cowz An sheeps so pharo wil sai i maek
ur base in teh land of Goshen cuz teh
gypshuns gots dis wierd thing bout shepherdz
An dey liek 2 eat sheeplz An moocows but
htey dosent liek 2 liv wif dem An dey will
say DO NOT WANT!111!!!!!!!!.
Genesis 47
T hen Joseph sed 2 pharo my old man An
my bros An hter famlyz An dere kittehs An
ther sheepz An hter moo cows An stufs r in
ur goshen. 2 An he taekz 5 ov his bros 2 seez
pharo. 3 An pharo sed 2 joseps bros wot u do
4 werk An they sed we r all shepherds. 4 An
dey sed we use to liv in teh canaan but u tellz
us we can has base in teh egpytz cuz our
moocows dosent has ne f00dz An dey wil get
ded if we stais ther so pls we can has base in
goshen?. 5 An pharo sed 2 Joseph ur old man
An ur bros r in ur eygpt lookin 4 fudz 4 ther
sheepz An hter moo cows An stuff. 6 An u iz
rly gud d00d An i liekz u alot so ur old man
An ur bros can has rly gud base in Goshen:
An dey can b bosscats of all my moo cows
An sheeplz 2. 7 An Joseph tookd Jacob his
old man to sees pharo: An Jacob sed thx
muchz pharo. Ceiling Cat sez u r rly gud
d00d An Ceiling Cat wil watch out 4 u. 8 An
pharo axt Jacob how old r u? 9 An Jacob sed
i iz rly old d00d 100 An 30 yrz old An i has
gud lief An my old man wuz 100 An 47 yrz
old wehn he got ded. 10 An Jacob sed 2
36
pharo gon 2 goshen kthxbai. 11 An Joseph
maded teh vry bestest base in all ov teh
egyptz 4 his old man An his bros in goshen
wich was calld land of rameses 2. (but not
naemd aftr ramses teh 2th cuz he wuznt
bornd yet.) 12 An Joseph took caer ov his old
man An his bros An all his old mans famlyz
An gaev htem lotz of cheezburgrs An cookies
An corns An stufffz. An catfudz An catnips 4
teh kittehs 2.
Joeseph getz teh hungries
13 An l8r hter wuznt ne mor cheezburgrs An
cookies evn in teh egypt cuz all teh peepz An
kittehs had eated it all An htey wuz all
hungry An starvin liek evry1 els. 14 An
Joseph gaev all teh moneyz in egypt An in
canaan 2 pharo 2 buy all teh fudz An stuf. 15
An dey didnt has ne mor moneys. An l8r all
teh Egyptians caem 2 Joseph An sed we can
has cheesburgrz An cookies An stuffz? cuz
we r all hungry An starvin An stufz but we
dosent has ne mor moneyz An f00d stamps
haznt ben nvntd yet An evn all our moocowz
is all hungryz An starvin cuz tehr iznt evn ne
gras left cuz dey eated it all An we evn eated
sum ov it. 16 An Joseph sed i can haz ur moo
cows An sheeplz An stuf An u can has
cheezburgrs An cookies An stuf. 17 An dey
sed k An joesph can has all tehr horses An
sheepz An moo cows An donkyz An Joseph
gaev htem cheezburgrz An cookies An cornz
An catfoods An stufs An 4 a hol yeer. 18 An
teh nex yr dey caem bak 2 josephs base An
sed we can has cheezburgrz An cookies An
stuffs? sry we dosnt has ne mor moneyz An u
alrdy haz all our moo cows An sheeplz An
stuf An food stamps hasnt ben nventd yet An
all we haz left is our basez so all our base can
b belong 2 u. 19 othr wiez we will all get ded
form teh hungryz An teh strvashunz. so u can
haz all our base An we can has cheezbugrz
An cookies An stuf k? An we can has seedz 2
An we wil werk on all teh farmz 4 pharo
kkkkk? 20 so all teh peepz base wer belong 2
pharo An teh peeps cud haz cheezburgrz An
cookies An seeds An stuf An evry1 maded
farmz 4 pharo. 21 An all teh ppl in teh eygpt
werkd 4 pharo in teh cityz An stuf wen dey
wuznt in ther famrz raizin tehr fr00ts An
vebgtablz An stuf. 22 but pharo sed 2 joeph u
no can haz fake Ceiling Cats bases cuz fake
Ceiling Cats wil get all pissed off An stuf.
but pharo didnt kno taht fake Ceiling Cats
wuz fake Ceiling Cats he thot htey wer rael
An he wuz all skeerd An stufs. so he didnt
taekd fake Ceiling Cats bases. 23 Then
Joseph sed 2 teh ppl u An all ur base 4 blong
2 pharo: tek teh seedz An mek farmz. 24 An
sum of ur vegbatels An froots is blong 2
pharo An teh rest is blong 2 u so u An ur
famlyz wont b all hungry An starvin An stuff.
25 An they sed thx muchz u is rly gud d00d,
u tek caer of us An we will werks 4 pharo An
we wont b all starvin nao. kthxbai. 26 An
htats how dey stil duz thingz in teh egyptz.
sum of teh f00dz is belong 2 pharo An teh
rest is blong 2 teh ppl but all fake Ceiling
Catz base is stil blong 2 fake Ceiling Cats. 27
An teh isrealitz livd in goshen long tiem An
they hadz lotz An lotz of moneys An stuff An
dey did alot of PENIS GOES WHERE??! An
had lotz An lotz of kidz. srsly. 28 An l8r
jacob wuz rly rly old d00d An he got 2 b 100
An 40 An 7 yrz old liek his old man. 29 An
he noo he wuz gonna get ded prty soon An he
sed 2 joesph promis me u is not burys me in
teh egypt wen i get ded. 30 but u bury me wif
my old man in teh canaan An joseph sed k.
31 An jacob sed Ceiling Cat is watchin u An
if u dont do htat den Ceiling Cat wil be all
pissed off An stuff An maybe he evn meks u
ded. 4 rael. den jacob sed u r rly gud kid. An
den jacob wuz all tired cuz he wuz rly old
d00d An he sed nitey nite An wnet 2 sleepz.
Genesis 48
Joseph pays hiz pops a visit
s um tiem latr joseph wuz tolded, "ur fathr
iz not feelingz so gud." so he took his 2 sons
manaseh an efraim along wif him. An they
was mad cuz they wuz in middle of playing
pokemonz. 2 when jacob wuz tolded, "ur son
joseph has come 2 u, cuz he heer yor not
feeling so gud" israel stopped watching
rerunz of golden girlz an sat up on teh bed. 3
jacob sed 2 joseph, "Cieling Cat almighty
appeard 2 me at luz in da land ov
canaan,srsly, was like one secund i wuz
scratchings mah butt and nest things u no
cieling cat all like OMG HAI. an thar he
blesd me 4 an sed 2 me, im goin 2 mak u rly
rich d00d an will increase ur cheezburgerz
and childrenz. Im gonna mak u mod ov all
tha interweb, an im gonna giv dis land as an
evrlastin posesshun 2 ur descendants aftr u.
srsly. Essept mebe otha peepol will also say
37
iz their posesshun and will be lots of
MORTAL KOMBAT and stuffs but otha than
thats its your posseshun srsly. 5 "nao den, as I
wuz saying, ur 2 sons borned 2 u in da land
uf giant kitty litter box before i came 2 u her
will be I can haz; efraim an manaseh will be I
can haz, jus as reuben (laik the sammich lolz)
an simeon r I can haz. 6 any childrunz borned
2 u aftr them will be u can haz; in da hood
they inherit they will be calleded undr teh
namez ov their brothers for sum rzn. not sure
y. y not callz them by their real nameses? I
guess peepol are lazy. 7 anywayz, as i wuz
returnin frum paddan (they haz good barz
there), 2 mah DO NOT WANT rachel go wai
and be ded in da land ov canaan while we
wuz still on teh wai, lil distance frum efrath,
and rly rly far frum antartica. So i burid her
like turd thar beside teh road 2 efrath" (dat iz,
bethlehem, also vry vry far from
antratica...srlsy). 8 when israel saw teh sons
ov joseph, he askded, "o hai! hoo r thees?" 9
"they r teh sons Cieling Cat has sed I can
haz," joseph sed 2 his fathr. den israel sed,
"brin them 2 me so i cud bles them and
snorgle themz and giv them munney for
using at chucky cheez." 10 nao israels eyez
wuz not wurkin so good cuz ov old age and
cuz he spends lots of taim on intraweb
lookings at lolcat pagez, an he cud hardly c.
srlsy. So joseph brought his sons close 2 him,
an his fathr kisd them an embracd them an
snorgled them and then forgoted their names
cuz hes rly rly rly old. 11 israel sed 2 joseph,
"i nevr expectd 2 c u again except when u
need 2 borrow munney or needz to do
laundrey, an nao Cieling Cat has allowd me 2
c ur children 2. DO WANT" 12 den joseph
removd them frum israels lap an bowd down
wif his face 2 teh ground fur som rzn. 13 an
joseph took both ov them, efraim on his rite
toward israels left hand an manaseh on his
left toward israels rite hand, not evn sur why
i tell u this, is as relevant as which hrbllz
cieling cat wuz licking at the time, an
brought them close 2 him again after takings
them away. I guess joseph is indecisive like
dat. 14 but israel reachd out his rite hand an
put it on efraims head, though he wuz teh
youngr, an evn tho he had jus used that hand
to scratch hrballz, an crosin his arms like
macarena, he puted his left hand on manasehs
head, even though manaseh wuz teh firstborn
and even tho he had lice. 15 den he blesd
joseph an sed,"cud teh Cieling Cat before
whom mah fathers abraham an isaac walkd,
teh Cieling Cat hoo has been mah sugah
daddy all mah life 2 dis dai, 16 teh hover
dOOd hoo has deliverd me frum all harm and
kept mai cheezburgers safe —cud he bles
thees bois. cud they be calld by mah naym,
an teh namez ov mah fathers abraham an
isaac, an cud they increase greatly upon teh
earth like weedz and sudoko puzzlz." 17
when joseph saw his fathr placin his rite hand
on efraims head he wuz laik, DO NOT
WANT; so he took hold ov his fathers hand 2
moov it frum efraims head 2 manasehs head.
Also he changeded the channel on TV cuz he
hates Golden girls. 18 joseph sed 2 him,
"duh! pops, dis wan iz teh firstborn; put ur
rite hand on his head. kthx" 19 but his fathr
was all laik, REQUEST DENIED an sed, "i
knoe, mah son, i knoe. I r not dummy head.
He 2 will become peeps, an he 2 will become
great like man who invented flee collars. but,
his youngr brothr will be greatr than he, and
always win at pokemonz and get hottest date
at promz, an his childrenz will become group
ov nashuns and will listen to music he no
likez" 20 he blesd them dat dai an sed,"in ur
naym will israel pronounce dis blesin: cud
Cieling Cat mak u liek efraim an manaseh,
and laik cheez on burgerz " so he put efraim
ahead ov manaseh, and changed channel bak
to golden girls cus he did not want to miss
end. 21 den israel sed 2 joseph, "o noes! im
bout 2 be ded, but Cieling Cat will be wif u
an taek u bak 2 teh land ov ur fathers by
scruff of yur neck like a cyoot kittehn. 22 An
cuz u iz bosscat i giv teh ridge ov land i took
frum teh amoritez wif mah sword an mah
bow (An mai aroz 2 cuz bo wfout arros duznt
werkz gud) an mah gat."
Genesis 49
Jacob giveh Cheezburgerz to sons
A n Jacob said to his kittehs "Coem here I
give u invisible cheezburgrz an tell wat will
happn to ur kittehs' kittehs' kittehs 2 so listen
plz! I iz Israel ur dadz. 3 Reuben, ur mai first
kitteh! U cud haev been great like me 4 but
ur kittehs won't have cheezburgrz cuz u peed
in mai bedz! An scratched mai couch!" 5
"Simeon and Levi, ur bad mean kittehs! 6 I
dun wanna think of it but u killed a kitteh and
smashed a wall! 7 So ur cursed an ur baby
kittehs will be scattrd an not frenz." 8 "Judah,
38
ur gud kitteh. U cen be squeez kittehs necks
an dey lick ur feetz. 9 Ur a lion! Other kittehs
DO NOT WANT wake up lion. 10 An ur
kittehs will rule ur bros kittehs until ceiling
cat comes to gather all kittehz! 11 An ceiling
cat will give kittehz a bath 12 an milk an
wine!" 13 "Zebuluns kittehs can has hoem by
the sea an can has boats to play with." 14
"Issachar iz a donkey carrying invizbl hevvy
rox 15 an wantz to rest an so will be servant
an licks feetz." 16 "Dan will be judge for his
kittehs! 17 He can be serpentcat and bitez teh
horses so ridrs fall LOL!" 18 I can haz
salvation yet, ceiling cat? 19 "Gad, a walrus
take ur bukket! But u can haz it bak." 20
"Asher kittehs are roly-poly! LOL They
maded cookies but eated them." 21
"Napthali, ur bum iz gassy. But u talk nice, so
iz k." 22 "Joseph, u can haz many many
kittehs! Soem kittehs live across teh sea! 23
Ur bros try hurt u an ur kittehs 24 but iz ok.
Ceiling cat make u an ur kittehs strong
ninjacats. 25 Ceiling cat giev u lotz
cheezburgrz! 26 An u can haz ur dads
cheezburgrz an ur bros not haev em." 27
"Benjamin huntz wild cheezburgrz at nite!
LOL!" 28 An the 12 kittehs eated
cheezburgrz from dads.
Jacob getz teh ded
29 An dads sed "Oh noez I will join ceiling
cat forevur so burry me inna cave 30 ovr thur
31 whur iz bureed Abraham, Sarah, Isaac,
Rebekah, an Leah. 32 Cave iz ovr thur an we
bot it." Genesis_23#2 33 An he went teh ded.
Genesis 50
D at Joseph dood was all like crying n'
stuff and den he waz liek "i can has kissez?"
and he gave kisses to daddy. 2 and den
Joseph was all liek "hey u guyz lets make to
wrap himz up;" so guyz did it. 3 it wuz long
time, more long time, lotz of time, and peepz
were sad 4 and Joseph sed "hai guyz if u luvz
me, tell Pharaoh that 5 dadz sed u gots burry
me in Canaan so I taek him out of ur place an
burry him in Canaan but I coem back
kthxbai" 6 an Pharaoh said "k" 7 an Joseph
went with old kittehz 8 an with his bros and
the sheepz 9 an with the walrus and hiz
bukket an dey were lotz of kittehs 10 an they
got there an the kittehs cried 11 an the
Canaan kittehs sed "oh sad" 12 so dey cheezburgrz 24 Joseph sed "I go see ceiling
burreed him inna durt 13 cuz deyd carreed cat forevur but ceiling cat will take you back
him there 14 Joseph went back to Pharaoh 15 to ur land k bai" 25 an Joseph sed "ceiling cat
den bros sed "Joseph will h8 us" 16 an bros will coem so tak mai bonez k?" 26 an he died
sed "Joseph, dad sed 17 u must luv us an not an dey put him in a box
be mad" an Joseph cried 18 an bros sed "we
sirv u an lick ur feetz" 19 an Joseph sed "dont
be fraid I iz liek ceiling cat 20 cuz u wer bad
but ceiling cat maed it gud an kittehs got
saved 21 dunt werry I give u cheezburgrz" an
he gaev em cheezburgrz 22 an Joseph got old
23 an he saw his baby kittehs have kittehs an
kittehs an kittehs an he holded all the baby
kittehs an red them storeez an gave em

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