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Derren Brown recently made a huge fuss on Channel 4 about being able to predict

the results of the National Lottery draw before it actually happened, even thoug
h he didn't and couldn't. I can pull an almost-as-impressive trick, and indeed I
shall right now. When you go to The Crown Inn, ask what the soup of the day is.
I predict it will be tomato.
Go on - see if I'm right.
Once you've got over the shock of how utterly right and wonderful I am, you'll w
ant to have a quick look at the menu in the Crown. There is the regular menu, an
d also a few specials boards, and the selection of food on them remains comforti
ngly constant. I have now been studying (I say studying - that is quite definite
ly debatable) at Southampton for three and a bit years, and never in my memory h
as the menu or the specials board changed in any way.
Whilst a pub with an unchanging menu might speak to a Philosophy student like an
undiscovered Samuel Beckett play, I find that it instead speaks to my stomach a
nd it is from this perspective I shall tackle the problem. I could attempt to an
alyse the food as a Samuel Beckett play, but that is only likely to end in death
and destruction, such is my distaste for boring, arty-farty plays.
If you're into nouveau cuisine, all chunks of meat with pineapple rings and arti
stic drizzles of sauce, served on huge plates at a price that feels oddly simila
r to being taken into the car park and sat on by the manager. Repeatedly. In the
face. Sorry, where was I? Yes, if you like nouveau cuisine, you've come to the
wrong place.
The Crown Inn serves good, honest pub grub - and I'll be honest here, the food r
eally does look like that. The fanciest they get is including a few token chunks
of cucumber and tomato on the side as a salad garnish, which is pretty much fin
e for an establishment that serves food with the intention of you eating it. If
you wanted to stare at food and discuss its aesthetic properties, then maybe you
should consider doing something like going to see Salvador Dali's lobster telep
hone. Food, art, and general madness, all in one BT-connected package.
One of the biggest hits on the menu at the Crown is the Crown Inn Burger - a pri
me beef burger with your choice of two toppings, and a portion of chips of a siz
e that surely must be approaching the lethal dose for a human being, all for £5.40.
I've seen cheaper burgers in my time, but they were, quite frankly, disappointi
ng. I've yet to be served anything cold or soggy at the Crown, and the portions
are always up to scratch.
Other highlights include the Chili Con Carne (£5.95 - ask for it with rice and garl
ic bread), which is mercifully not the kind that will blow your head off in a ma
ssive burst of flame and spice. If you really fancy that, there's a Jalfrezi cur
ry listed on the specials board, but I've never plucked up the courage to try it
, since I am thoroughly middle class and therefore averse to anything that taste
s like burning.
If you fancy heading for the bottom end of the menu, there are also a selection
of steaks and suchlike on offer, including rump and gammon. Extras like grilled
tomatoes and onion rings abound on these plates, and the meat is generally good
quality and in the case of beef, cooked to your specification (though I imagine
the standard British caveat of overcooking steaks applies here, should you be th
e kind of person who likes your steak to moo - personally, I prefer mine dead).
If you're after a lighter bite, there's always the reasonable selection of side
orders like garlic bread, cheesy garlic bread, chips, onion rings, soup of the d
ay (every day is tomato), and there are even some sandwiches availiable at lunch
times.
The general atmosphere of the place is thoroughly social - you're not likely to
end up staring into the bottom of an empty pint glass whilst the music blares so
loud you can barely hear yourself think here. In fact, I maintain that the Crow
n somehow pumps all the atmosphere out of the nearby Highfield pub and into its
own lounge, the difference is that marked. The background music is just that - b
ackground - and is a pleasant mix of modern tunes and old favourites, with some
eclectic bits thrown in for good measure. It remains the only place I have been
to eat and done it to the sound of a 12" remix of "I Can't Dance" by Genesis.
To go with the meal, there's a decent selection of drinks, both alcoholic and no
n-alcoholic, including beers, ales, spirits and even a small-to-medium sized win
e list.
In summary - maybe you should read the article again and take notes this time?

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