On My Own

By twilightelusion@soompi

It was our last.

We had so many firsts together, that I never thought about what I would do
when I have to deal with a last. I don't even know how to begin. We had so
much time to create all the firsts but the lasts came all at once.

No one taught me how to deal with the lasts.

I have been taught how to wait patiently through my 8 years as a trainee; I

have been taught to deal with the many firsts in life.

But nothing prepared me for the elation I experienced with you, all the firsts
that we have had.

Or the numbness I felt when I had to deal with the lasts.

Our lasts.

As I stood in front of the board in our Secret Room, staring at each and every
one of the Polaroid photographs we have taken along the way. Starting from
the disastrous honeymoon trip that I planned to Pal-Dang, all the way to the
more recent Bali Trip.

Looking at the Polaroids we took in Bali, I had to sit down on that red couch
before my legs gave way. We were so happy then. It was like a dream.

We stopped taking anymore Polaroids after we came back from Bali. I never
knew why. We just stopped. It was like you didn’t want to leave any trace of
evidence behind. Like you wanted to stop “us” from existing after Bali. I was
afraid to ask for a reason. I was afraid you would give voice to my greatest
fear.

“Kwon-ah, you sure you want to do this on your own? We could…”

PD Jung’s voice broke into the reverie I was in. I looked up at her, my tears
threatening to make me a fool. She stopped mid-sentence and nodded. She
understood that it was something I wanted and needed to do.

On my own.

When PD Jung asked me about it, I was very adamant about doing it on my
own without you, without the cameras. I can’t do it. I did not want to see your
reactions to all these memories. I cannot handle it if I see disgust on your
face. I cannot handle it if I see you softening and remembering with any
fondness towards those memories. I can’t. I had to let this be the first thing I
do on my own.
After all, I am on my own again.

For the past year, you have taught me how to be part of a pair. And because
of that, I have grown up so much. I guess I was right to insist on this, all these
memories which meant so much to me, seems to be just something you could
do without.

고마워.

Did I make things difficult for you? Perhaps you wanted to have these
memories with someone else, someone of your own choosing instead of me.

미안… 정말 미안해...

I didn't know my haste to experience doing something for someone else has
caused you so much pain.

No more. After today, there won’t be any more pain.

I closed my eyes to deny my tears from having their way.

Later would be soon enough. Just not now, alright?

I took a deep breath and stood up. Starting from the first photo we ever took, I
detached it from the peg that held it up. The memory of us putting them up
when we moved in assaulted me. I had to swallow the single word of denial
because if it broke through, I did not know what would become of me.

It’s ok. The first one is always the hardest. The next one would be easier…

It didn’t become easier but I had to get through with it. I just didn’t know the
first memory of being on my own would be so painful.

See, I’m already learning.

I paused at each photo, and said my thanks before I took it down. Each was a
crystallized moment of us.

Why do we look so happy in every one of them? Why? Why can’t we go on?

Why did you say we should stop?

I did not want to think about that. But that gave me the motivation to finish this
task quickly.

Before you arrive.

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“Noona, thank you.”

My last words to you.

사랑해.

That was what I whispered quietly in my heart. Because I know you do not
want to hear it. Because these words of truth have become a burden.

I saw that flash of pain, of love, of... disgust? Why? In that last moment we
have together, couldn't you have at least try to be happy?

I shut my eyes to that and just embraced you.

Our last embrace.

괜찮아요, 난... 진짜... 괜찮아요...

Just like your song, I would be fine. Don't you worry anymore. I would smile
and send you away. And I will continue smiling whenever I see you. Because I
want you to know I'm really alright. Even if it kills me slowly each time.

I let go of you quickly and turned away when the director shouted "Cut!" for
the last time. I plastered a smile on my face and thanked everyone on the set
for everything.

Everything.

Because without them, I wouldn't have met you. If I haven't met you, I never
knew I could. I would never know I could love another so much, to the point of
letting go of what I have been chasing all my life.

I didn't turn back to look at you. I was afraid that my resolve would not be
strong enough if I look at you. I was afraid that I would beg you not to let go of
me.

Not to let go of us.

I picked up my bag, heavy with the memories we have created with each
other. I saw you stopping outside the Secret Room when you first arrived and
you simply walked away when you saw the empty board. As usual, there was
no emotion showing on your face. I was right after all. Those were memories
you didn’t want.

I would take them with me then. All the pain associated with those memories,
I would take them with me.

I walked hastily towards the door.

“Kwon-ah…”

I paused.
No, I have made my decision not to look back.

As I took my first step out of the door, I lost to the tears that had been waiting
for the right moment to make me a fool.

It’s ok. Now I can cry.

Because now, I’m on my own.

“You sure this is what you want?”

I nodded my head. After our trip to Bali, I have been thinking about this
question for the longest time. Finally, after much struggle, I knew I had to
make the decision. Because I know you won’t do it. No matter how much you
might want to, you would never do it.

I’m the noona after all. I have to do what’s right.

“Yes.”

One simple word, that’s all it took. When I went to see my CEO and told him
about my decision to end WGM, he asked if that was what I want.

NO!

That’s not what I want but I have to do it. Every time I see you on television,
you always looked so tired. Even though you put on a strong front and
continue to entertain everyone with your antics, with your infectious happy
vibe, I could see how tired you were. I could not bear to see you being so
worn-out. So if ending WGM could ease your burden, I would do it.

I can’t be selfish and continue to trap you in WGM just because I have fallen
in love with you. I can’t do that.

Your first response when you heard that I pulled the plug on us was silence.
When I expected questions, all I got was silence.

Until that day when we met at the TV station.

“Why?”

Just that one word. I could hear that you were hurt by my sudden decision.

Because I love you.

“I am tired. I am tired of having to pretend that we are happy when we see

each other. I am tired…”
“Alright then.”

With that, you walked away.

I closed my eyes and counted to 10. Just to be sure that I would not see your
face. When I looked up, you were no longer there. But the lingering fragrance
of the couple perfume I bought for you mocked me.

미안.

You did not see my tears.

Because we were no longer walking in the same direction. Each tear that
flowed from my eyes was like blood marking the steps away from you.

You would not see my tears. Never. Because I would not cry in front of you. In
fact, I would smile. Every single time, I see you, I would smile. I want you to
know I am alright.

Even if it kills me.

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It was our last.

The pre-matured death of “us”, the death I brought upon us.

I wanted to be there early. I wanted to go to each nook and corner and torture
myself with memories that we have shared in that space. Because I know I
have hurt you so much and nothing I say would ever make it right.

Nothing.

But you foiled my plan. You were there earlier than I was.

Again, it was the couple perfume that clued me in. I quickly went to our Secret
Room.

The sight that greeted me nailed me to the spot outside the room.

The board was empty.

Where are all the photographs? Where are all our memories?

Where are you?

Then I reminded myself. I was the one who put a stop to this. I took a deep
breath.
I would not cry. I would not show you how much it hurts.

I turned and walked as calmly as I could to our bedroom to get ready.

We did not say much throughout the entire recording. There was nothing left
to say. We did what we were told and we tried not to make a blunder. It was
as if both of us could not wait for this to be over.

“Alright, the next frame, we want both of you to say one last thing to each
other.”

The word “last” seemed to break the spell between the two of us. We looked
at each other in the eye for the first time that day.

Then you looked away. And pulled me into your arms.

“Noona, thank you…”

Why are you thanking me? When it was so obvious you are hurting from what
I am doing to you?

What I am doing to us.

“Do well…”

I spit that out, like it was something I had to get out of my system.

“Cut!”

You let go of me so quickly, like you could not bear to hold me for one second
more. That moment, I hate myself more.

미안…

Did I really hurt you so much that you could not bear to hold me for even a
second more?

정말 미안해...

Before I could recover, I heard you saying goodbye to everyone.

Let him go, Son Ga-In. Finish what you started.

“Kwon-ah…”

Damn.

You stopped.

Turn around, I beg you.

You walked out of the door. Without looking back.

You did not see how I lost my footing and just sat on the floor.

I have lost you for good. I’m alone again.

I let my tears taunt me.

It was your choice. You made the decision. Stick to it.

I knew it was my choice, my decision, but I didn’t expect it to hurt so much. No

one told me it would hurt this much. My next thought caused me to lose my
breath.

If it hurt me this much, how much more it must hurt you…

I got up unsteadily, wanting to run after you.

“Ga-In…”

I looked at San-unnie. I knew what the rest of the sentence was.

Right, I can’t go to you now. Nothing is the same anymore.

I looked around the apartment again.

Yes, indeed, nothing would ever be the same again.

It doesn’t need to be the same again. It has ended. This has ended.

We have ended.

I just need to know one last thing.

“Jung PD, where are all the Polaroids? Can I have them?”

Jung PD looked at me, then look at San-unnie. I saw San-unnie give her a
nod.

“I don’t have them. Kwonnie took them all.”

You won’t even let me keep a piece of “us”.

Son Ga-In, you have no right to want a piece of “us”.

Right.

I looked up, smiled at Jung PD.

“Thank you.”
Then I too left the apartment without a backward glance.

Goodbye.

Sitting alone in the nanny van while San-unnie tied up any loose ends, reality
sank it. One thought sneaked up behind me and stabbed me mercilessly,
repeatedly.

I let out a scream that only my soul can hear. Before it died.

I don’t need my soul anymore because I don’t need to feel anymore.

Because now, I’m on my own.

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No one knew that we have stopped filming WGM. Even when there were
rumours of us leaving the show, it was met with denial from the PDs. Other
than our individual companies and group members, no one knew. To
everyone else in the circle, we did not say anything. We didn’t even tell the
studio MCs that we have left the show.

As usual, today, I was busy with all my schedules. It was good because it took
my mind off you.

Off us, that entity that did not exist anymore.

Since no one knew anything, I was still being questioned on every program
that I went on about you. I had to remember to plaster on that smile and tell
everyone that we were doing fine. They all teased me about having that loving
look in my eyes when I talked about you.

Indeed, eyes don’t lie.

How can the love I have for you pale so quickly? It’s impossible. Although, if
people looked a little closer, there was pain there too. But no, no matter what,
when I think of you, I would smile. I would smile because I want you to know I
was alright. I would smile because I love you.

Son Ga-In, I love you, I really do.

When the questions about us got a little intense and my members knew that I
would not be able to handle them without giving myself away, they would
interfere and diffuse the situation. I’m so grateful for all of them.

“Kwon-ah, you are really just going to let her go?”

Seul Ong hyung had been asking this same question, in fact, each one of
them had asked it, ever since they knew that we stopped WGM.
I looked at Seul Ong hyung, I looked at the other two pairs of eyes staring
intently, almost pleadingly, at me. I smiled. What else can I do? Other than put
on that smile that I promised I would.

Noona, I’m smiling, can you see that?

But my heart is bleeding. Nothing can stop the pain every time I hear your
name being mentioned.

Recently, we recorded a new song for the Personal Taste OST. Each line I
sing, it was a reminder.

Like a fool.

Like a fool, I let you go. What can I do? You have gotten tired of us and I
didn’t want to be a burden. Love wasn’t supposed to be tiresome. When I
knew I could no longer give you the happiness you deserve, it was indeed
time to stop.

Time to let go.

But my one solo line at the end of the song, that was the truth.

Because without you, I cannot live on

A truth that only I can know, should know. No one else. Especially you.

Everyone sees that I was still my usual self. Every programme I do, I still put
myself into it. Because it’s my job.

But I know. Beyond what I show others on TV, I am but a shadow of my

former self, an empty shell. A person when devoid of all emotions, is just that.

An empty shell.

But I would continue to show my strong side. Because I know everyone is

watching.

You are watching.

The image of you telling me you have grown tired of us floated into my mind,
mocking me for being a fool.

It’s alright. For you, I’m willing to be one.

I was grateful when Mi-Sun noona asked me to say something to you when I
mentioned that we have not been seeing each other much. I looked straight at
the camera and said what everyone could hear.
I love you.

But did you get my unspoken message? Could you see it in my eyes?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Jo Kwon-ssi, so what is the real story between you and Ga-In-ssi? Are the
two of you really dating?”

I looked at you through the TV screen. I saw the moment of hesitation before
you put on that smile and gave the answer that you have been telling
everyone, everywhere you go, whenever you are asked this question.

“No, we are really not dating. We are just very good friends.”

I smiled. Are we still friends?

You are doing well.

I do not expect any less from you. You belong to the stage, where you can
shine. It is your time.

But why do I feel that something’s changed?

The energy you used to have when you are on any programme seemed to
have diminished. Even your “kkap” felt half-hearted.

Then there was a close-up of you. As you look into the camera, I saw it.

I saw the pain. Your pain.

“Ga-In noona, you have been really busy lately. Please take care of yourself.”

Why was I mentioned? I looked at JeA-unnie for an answer.

“They asked him to say something to you.”

Is it there every time I’m mentioned in front of you now? The pain? The pain I
saw in your eyes? Mixed in with… did I see wrongly? Was I deluding myself?

Was that love I see in your eyes?

How could it be? I hurt you so much, why would you still have love in your
eyes for me?

“Ga-In-ah, you really…”

I looked at JeA-unnie and she knew not to finish the sentence. I too, plastered
a smile on my face and walked back into my room.

The moment I closed the door against the outside world and was all alone on
my own, I melted into a puddle of nothing.

I wanted to cry but my tears had all dried up. Since that day, I refused to let
myself cry anymore.

Because I have made the choice to let you go.

I have no rights anymore. Not even to cry.

But that look when you looked straight at the camera haunted me. It was like
you were trying to tell me something.

I love you.

Was that it? Would I ever know? Do I ever want to know?

No.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Kwon-ah, you ok? You don’t look too good…”

Seul Ong hyung looked at me, his voice hinted at the worry that everyone
kept inside of them.

“I’m ok, really… Seul Ong hyung, I’m really ok…”

“If you say so…”

Seul Ong turned to look at the other two members. I could see them
exchange a worried look on their faces.

미안해...

I know that in the last 2 months since I ended WGM, they have been worrying
about me. I could fool the whole world but these 3 people who have been
through so much with me knows me too well. I know sometimes they wish
they could take the burden off me but I was too possessive over them.
Because they are mine to bear.

Many a times, they tried to start a conversation with me about Ga-In but would
stop short when I put on the smile and say I’m ok. No one wants to take that
fake smile off my face. No one wants to call my bluff yet.

Because deep down they know, if they make it known that they have seen
through me, it would be opening Pandora’s box.

“Please standby at the backstage now. You are up next.”

“Thank you.”
I said politely to the stage manager and turn to look at my members.

“One last time.”

I smiled at them and turned to walk towards the stage. This was the goodbye
stage for “Like A Fool”. Even though the song was not part of the album but
since Seul Ong hyung acted in the drama, we got to promote the song as
well. It had been a tiring round of activities. Another will start soon enough.
But for now, this was the last.

Another last.

This seemed to be the story of my life recently. I shook my head so that I

would not remember, would not recall. I need to focus. I need to do well.

Because you will be watching.

The music started. The beginning of the last.

“Like a fool, why didn't I know?”

I do know, or thought I did, but do you?

“Like a fool, why did I let you go?”

I had to didn’t I? I can’t keep you with me when you obviously want to leave.

“Like an idiot, my heart cries slowly”

Only I know, no one else should. Especially you.

“I know now, my love is only you”

I have always known, from the moment I called you “yeo-bo”…

Thank goodness that after the first two lines, the camera shifted over to
Chang Min hyung. My tears were struggling to steal the limelight but I can’t let
them have their way.

Again, not now, later will be soon enough. Just not now…

No one would suspect what I was thinking since I’m known to immerse myself
into the song when singing. But no one would know the thoughts that were in
my head.

It felt so final…

Last chorus, last performance, last line…

“Because without you, I cannot live on…”

My tears won. Two silent streaks down my cheeks.

I can’t live, really, without you…

My world blacked out.

“Kwon-ah!! Wake up! Don’t scare us!”

Seul Ong managed to catch Kwonnie before he hit the floor hard. They
quickly got off the stage and the producer signaled a commercial break. But
this scene was caught on camera and everyone saw it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Everyone saw.

Except for Ga-In.

She knew that it was 2AM’s goodbye stage for “Like a Fool”. She hated the
song. Because every time she hears it, she’s reminded of what she had done.
And every time her resolve gets swayed by the lyrics of the song, she
reminded herself that she’s not a fool and she did the right thing.

The Brown Eyed Girls were having their performance at M Broadcasting

station. Partly, it was to help Narsha with her solo album, the other part was to
start becoming visible again since they were going to release their next album
soon. All of them were waiting backstage and had the TV switched on to the
program that 2AM were on.

Ga-In tried very hard to ignore the song as it started. But she couldn’t help but
sneak a quick peek.

And couldn’t tear her eyes away from his face, the face she longed to see and
touch again.

보고 싶어…

Her heart twitched, as if the voice, his voice, sent an electric shock through
her conscience. Her hands flew automatically to suppress the pain that would
follow immediately without fail.

Last chorus, last line…

No, she has to look away. She could never bear to listen to that last line. It
was a reminder, a reminder she could do without.

Because without you, I cannot live on…

She closed her eyes as the last line was sung by that soulful voice.
Son Ga-In, don’t cry. Your tears are useless…

She didn’t hear the soft gasp that JeA let out when she saw Kwonnie fall to
the ground without any warning.

Neither did she see Narsha putting a hand over JeA’s mouth when she was
about to let Ga-In know what she had just saw. JeA looked from Narsha to
Ga-In and she saw why Narsha stopped her.

They had to.

They knew that Ga-In had been trying to keep up the strong façade. It pained
them to see her behaving like she was alright. But they also know that to bring
it up would only make it worse. They know that she was getting through each
day with only the thought that Kwonnie was doing well as her only anchor. If
she saw the scene just now, they know that she would collapse as well.

Narsha took her phone and quickly went out to the corridor. She quickly dialed
Chang Min’s number.

On the other side, Kwonnie was rushed to the hospital in their nanny van. All
the other three members looked worried sick. And guilty. They know that they
should not have let Kwonnie go on the way he did but each didn’t know what
to say. Because they know that Kwonnie was surviving on a very thin line and
any mention of Ga-In and their situation might cause that line to snap.

They do not know what would happen if and when that happens.

The phone ringing brought all of them out of their own thoughts. Chang Min
took out his phone and answered immediately when he saw that it was
Narsha.

“Hel…”

“How is Kwonnie?”

Chang Min didn’t get a chance to speak before Narsha interrupted him.

“We are on the way to the hospital right now. How did you…”

“We were watching your performance.”

“Then did…”

“No, she didn’t. We didn’t dare say anything to her.”

There was silence.

“Alright, keep me updated about Kwonnie’s condition.”

“Ok..”

With that the phone call ended.

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When BEG ended their performance at M Broadcasting stage and were
packing up to go back to their dorm, JeA looked at Narsha and nodded her
head.

“Ga-In ah, we have something to tell you. But you have to promise you won’t
act rashly.” JeA took Ga-In’s hand and led her over to the couch.

“Unnie, what’s with the serious face? Did I do something wrong on stage?”
Ga-In was taken aback by the grave expression on JeA’s face.

JeA waited till Narsha and MiRyo sat down on the couch. This made Ga-In
even more alarmed.

“Unnie, what’s wrong? Did something happen? Why are you…”

“Ga-In, Kwonnie fainted just now during their performance…”

When she heard Kwonnie’s name being mentioned, Ga-In was about to
protest and stop JeA from continuing. But the word “fainted” caused her to
rise from the couch so quickly that Narsha and MiRyo were caught off-guard.

“Where is he now?” Ga-In looked at her members, the panic she was feeling
was making her nauseous.

“Ga-In, calm down, we are…”

“WHERE IS HE?” Ga-In shouted, then without waiting for an answer, rushed
towards the door. It was with great effort that Narsha and MiRyo managed to
grab hold of her. She struggled with them and kept out shouting for them to let
go.

“GA-IN! CALM DOWN!”

“How can you ask me to calm down? Kwonnie.. KWONNIE!! “ With that, she
renewed her effort to escape from Narsha and MiRyo.

Just then, Narsha’s handphone rang.

“Calm down, that must be Chang Min calling…”

Ga-In didn’t wait for Narsha to finish before snatching the phone from Narsha.

“How is he?” She asked the moment she pressed the “accept” button.

Chang Min was shocked to hear Ga-In’s voice. He could hear the hysteria and
panic in her voice.
“HOW IS HE?!!” Ga-In shouted into the phone when there was no answer
from the other end.

“He just woke up. He’s alright. The doctor…”

“Let me talk to him, please.” Ga-In needed to hear his voice to reassure
herself that he was indeed alright.

Kwonnie didn't need to ask to know that Ga-In was on the other end of the
line. He knew that the right thing to do was to answer the call and reassure
Ga-In that he was alright.

But he was tired from pretending to be alright. He was tired from being strong.

So when Chang Min passed the phone to him, he looked at Chang Min and
shook his head.

Then he turned his back.

누나,미안해...

But I can’t let you see me at my weakest. Let me recover first and when I’m
able to show you that I’m strong again, I will continue smiling for you.

Chang Min didn’t really know how to handle the situation. He could
understand why Kwonnie didn’t want to speak to Ga-In just as yet but how
should he deal with the hysterical woman on the other end of the line?

Seul Ong saw that Chang Min was at a loss and took over the phone.

“Ga-In ah, Kwonnie is very tired at the moment and had fallen asleep again
after taking his medicine. When he wakes up tomorrow, I would make him call
you alright?”

Having heard that Kwonnie had fallen asleep again out of exhaustion, Ga-In
knew she couldn’t insist on talking to him. “You promise you would do that? I’d
be waiting for the call from him. Don’t forget.”

“Alright, I promise. You take care of yourself and don’t worry too much. We
would be here with him.”

With that, Ga-In ended the call.

The call never came the next day.

Instead, the news that 2AM had left for USA the night before and would be
there for an extended period of time surfaced.

When Ga-In heard the news, she tried dialing Kwonnie’s number. Although
there was a ringing tone, no one picked up the phone. She tried Seul Ong’s
phone next and the same thing happened. It was like a conscious effort to
remain uncontactable. Even when her other members tried calling through
their phone, no one got through.

However, Narsha did receive a text message from Chang Min, telling her that
they were in USA and Kwonnie was alright. Narsha told JeA and MiRyo about
the message and all of them agreed that it might be better for the two of them
to be separated for a while.

After a week of trying to contact Kwonnie and getting absolutely no response,

Ga-In stopped.

He’s alright. If I call him, it might just cause more pain.

She put her entire body and soul into preparing for her solo album. It was
anaesthesia for the pain she was feeling.

But whenever she thought of him, she would open up her phone and type “보
고 싶어…”.

None of these messages were ever sent out to the intended party. Ga-In
decided that she should be the one bearing the pain since she started it.

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The decision to fly out to USA was made really last minute. It was true that
2AM was slated to go to USA since they were the opening guests for
WonderGirls’ concerts. But they really did not have to leave in such a hurry.

But the moment Kwonnie collapsed, they know that they had to make the trip
fast. Overnight, they packed what they needed and left secretly without
notifying the media until after they arrived in USA.

For the first week, whenever the phone rang, Kwonnie had to fight with
himself not to answer. The other three members saw how much of a struggle
it was for him. So even when their phone started ringing, they also didn’t
answer the call.

After a week, the phone stopped ringing.

누나, 고마워…그리고…미안해…

After the first week, Kwonnie recovered enough to start preparing for their
appearance as guests for WonderGirls’ concerts. He threw his whole self into
making sure that the performance was perfect. After all, he knew that it was
important to his dearest friends that they do well. More importantly, he could
not have the media report otherwise. Because Ga-In would be watching.

However, that didn’t stop thoughts of her from occupying his mind whenever
he had a quiet moment. And when that happened, he would go to his phone
and type “보고 싶어…”

And yes, none of these messages got sent to the intended party too.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Ga-In-ssi, congratulations on the success of your first solo album! How do

you feel now?”

Ga-In was on Kim Jung Eun’s Chocolate to promote her solo album. After
much hard work, Ga-In finally released her solo album in September. The
album met with great success and was well received both in Korea and
internationally.

“Thank you. I must really thank all my fans for supporting my solo effort. And
also my fellow members as they have been really encouraging during this
time.”

Kim Jung Eun was about to ask the next question when someone in the
audience shouted, “What about Jo Kwon?”

The MC turned to Ga-In and smile, “Indeed, what about your husband? Don’t
you have anything to say to him?”

Ga-In’s smile froze when she heard Kwonnie’s name. Right, no one knew that
they have ended WGM yet. She recovered just in time and said jokingly,
“Right, how can I forget about him?”

She looked straight into the camera, just like what he did that time and said
with all sincerity, “Kwon-ah, thank you for everything during this time. Please
take care of yourself and do well for the WonderGirls’ concert.”

사랑해…

She smiled, and whispered those three words quietly to herself. She knew
she would never have the chance to say those words to him ever again. But it
didn’t stop her from loving him. She thought she would eventually forget that
feeling, that feeling of loving him. But it never went away. And she suspects it
would never go away.

She had not tried contacting him for the past month since they left for USA
hurriedly but she had kept up with all the news about their performance for the
WonderGirls. She had wanted to send him a message on his birthday but she
didn’t know what to say other than “I miss you.”

So that message also went unsent. Instead it joined the other 998 unsent
message to shout out in silence how much she missed him.

“Ga-In-ssi?”

Ga-In was jarred back to reality by Kim Jung Eun’s voice. “Sorry…”
“You must miss Jo Kwon-ssi a whole lot since he’s been gone for a month.”

Ga-In didn’t answer and just smiled.

You would never know how much I miss you, would you?

“Ga-In-ssi, I heard that you were the one who insisted on including the song,
“I Do Not Know Separation” originally by Hwang Ji Hyun-ssi in your album. Is
there a special reason for it?”

“I just thought it was a really beautiful song and I really like the emotions
expressed in the song. That’s why I insisted on doing a cover of it.”

That was the answer that Ga-In gave to everyone including her CEO. When
she first suggested the song, her CEO had refused. But she was very
insistent and even offered to pay for the fee that the company would incur if
they used the song. Finally, her company gave in and allowed her to include it
in her solo album.

Only she knew why she chose the song. It was her message to Kwonnie.
Every single line in the song was exactly how she felt. Every single line of the
song contains words that she wants to tell him but could never do directly.

“Then, as the last song for today, would you sing “I Do Not Know Separation”
for us?”

This took her a little by surprise, because she had never performed this song
in public. After all, this was something really private. But she remembered that
this was probably a good chance to express how she felt inside. Whether
Kwonnie saw the performance or not, it didn’t really matter.

She looked at the MC and nodded.

“Let us put our hands together once again for Ga-In with ‘I Do Not Know
Separation’!” Kim Jung Eun announced before leaving the stage.

When the music started, Ga-In looked at the camera and smiled.

Kwon-ah, this is for you.

She put her all into the song, hoping secretly that Kwonnie would see this
performance and know how she feels inside.

Can you hear me? I know I am wrong now but I have lost you forever. I can’t
turn back time and undo the wrong I did…

미안해…

When the song ended, Ga-In had to look down because her tears had won
the battle. The lights dimmed, the applause started. Ga-In quickly wiped the
tears from her face. When the lights came on again, she was ready for the
camera with a smile.

“Thank you everyone! See all of you soon!”

With that she left the stage and wondered if he saw the performance.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He did.

Just like Ga-In who scoured the Internet for any news of him, he does the
same every single day.

When he read the news that her solo album had reached first place within
hours of being released, he was overjoyed. He sat in front of the computer
and smiled, the first genuine smile his members had seen since he ended
WGM.

He had noticed the song “I Do Not Know Separation” in her album but he
didn’t pay any special attention to it until he watched her performance on Kim
Jung Eun’s Chocolate.

Even though he had kept up with news associated with Ga-In, he resisted
watching any videos that has her in it. After all, a still image and words written
by reporters was different from seeing her in action. He didn’t think he was
strong enough to do that just as yet.

Until he read the news with his name in the headlines.

“Ga-In thanks Jo Kwon during interview on Kim Jung Eun’s Chocolate.”

That caused his resistance to disappear immediately. He had to see for

himself.

When he first laid eyes on her image on his computer, he felt his heart
beating. It has been a long time since he felt excitement. Even when he was
on stage, he didn’t feel this same energy. He smiled, that broad grin he
unconsciously have whenever he sees her.

“What about Jo Kwon?”

That caused his smile to diminish in a second. He knew how difficult it was for
her to deal with questions about him. He heard the MC ask the question and
saw that one second of hesitation on her face before she recovered and
answered.

Suddenly the whole screen was filled with her face. Kwonnie lifted his hand
and touched the screen.
How I wish that I could touch your face again… Do you know how much I
miss you?

“Kwon-ah, thank you for everything during this time. Please take care of
yourself…”

Hearing her voice, hearing her call his name again sent his heart fluttering
with pleasure. But only for a second. The next second, he was reminded
again he would never hear her call his name face-to-face again. The flutter in
his heart became pain. He had to close his eyes for a moment but that did not
prevent his tears from flowing down his cheeks.

He felt someone put a hand on his shoulder and looked up. It was Seul Ong.

“If it still hurts, then maybe you shouldn’t continue watching…”

“I’m alright. I want to… This is the only way I can see her…”

He turned to look at the screen again. The interview was over.

“Let us put our hands together once again for Ga-In with ‘I Do Not Know
Separation’!”

The music started, the camera once again zoomed in on her. She smiled and
looked straight at the camera.

She started singing.

Drip, drip, the tears flow.

Gently, gently, my two eyes close.
Don’t let me know we’re parting.

You look close but you're far away,

It looks as if I can grab you but I couldn't
That's why I am crying today

I don’t want to know what it is to break up.

I’ll live without knowing it.
I want to believe there is not such thing as sadness.
Weren’t you the one who made the promise?

I love you. How can we part?

Can you hear me? I miss you like crazy
How can I forget you?
You want me to erase you?
I’ll live through tears every day.

I close my eyes,
I wipe away my tears.
I wipe away the yearning for you.
But it’s not good enough.
Love must be
The more you try to forget,
The more you remember and yearn for it.

I love you. How can we part?

Can you hear me? I miss you like crazy
How can I forget you?
You want me to erase you?
I’ll live through tears every day.

I’m sorry, but I cannot forget you.

I still only love you and yearn for you.
Even if I ever love again,
Even if I meet someone else
There will be no one like you.

When the song ended, only one thought went through Kwonnie’s mind.

Was that meant for me? Do I dare hope?

He looked up to see Seul Ong looking at him. Seul Ong saw the question in
Kwonnie’s eyes. Having heard the song for the first time, he was rather
shocked too. But it definitely sounded like a message from Ga-In to Kwonnie.
Seul Ong smiled gently, nodded his head and added, “I think so.”

Kwonnie rewinded the video and watched the performance of the song again,
paying close attention to the lyrics. By the end of the song, he was openly
weeping.

Would it be too late? Would it be too late if I go back to you now? Would you
take me back?

He stood up suddenly and took out his phone. He dialed a series of numbers
and when the call was connected, these were the first words out of his mouth,
“Jin Young hyung, I need to go back to Korea immediately.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

20th September 2010

It’s here again huh? I really do not like this day. Not only does it mark +1 on
my age, it’s also…

No, I cannot think about that. It’s my birthday after all. Let’s not make it worse
by thinking about that.

Son Ga-In FOCUS! You need to do well for this performance since it’s going
to be broadcasted internationally.
Maybe the memory of this performance would erase the other memory
associated with this date.

Like it would… stop kidding yourself, Son Ga-In!

It was like fighting a war with herself. As much as she wanted to push the
other memory out of her head, she knew it was impossible.

“Ga-In-ssi, please be at your stand-by position.” The stage manager

instructed her.

“Ga-In ah! FIGHTING!!” JeA sounded… strange. There was also a glimmer of
mischief in her eyes. Ga-In couldn’t help feeling a little uneasy.

She was going to sing two songs and one of them was “I Do Not Know
Separation.” Ever since her performance of the song on Chocolate, every
single stage she’s been to, that song was requested. It was a little ironic to her
since one year ago, she really didn’t know anything about separation. But
now, she knew all about it. A bitter smile appeared on her lips.

She heard her name being announced, took a deep breath, plastered on her
most beautiful smile and stepped onto the stage.

“Hello everyone! It’s good to see all of you today.”

She didn’t notice the familiar figure at the side of the stage.

After she finished her first song, the MC stepped out to interview her. That
was when she really looked at the audience. That was when she noticed the
congratulatory signs that the fans were holding up.

“아담 부부, 1 주년 기념 축하해!!”

That was really the last thing she wanted to see, to be reminded of.

“Ga-In-ssi, firstly, congratulations on the success of your solo album! Today

seems to be a day that’s really worthy of celebration! It’s your birthday right?
And also the 1-year anniversary of your marriage with Jo Kwon-ssi! How are
you going to celebrate?”

Smile, Ga-In, smile.

“Thank you for your well-wishes! Erm.. as to how I’m going to celebrate my
birthday, I really have no idea. Maybe treat myself to a good rest after this
event.”

She totally avoided talking about their 1-year anniversary.

“What about your 1-year anniversary? Will you be celebrating it with Jo Kwon-
ssi?” The MC refused to let the topic go.
“No, the last I heard, he’s still in USA. So we won’t be celebrating it today.”

Ga-In smiled. For the first time in months, she was glad that Kwonnie was in
USA.

The familiar figure at the side of the stage smiled.

No, yeo-bo, I’m back…

“Alright then, let’s give Ga-In-ssi another round of applause and with her last
song for today ‘I Do Not Know Separation’!”

Ga-In was still recovering from having to answer the question about their 1-
year anniversary. She laughed at her own stupidity for thinking that no one
would talk about it.

The music started. She looked at the audience and the congratulatory sign
mocked her again.

As she started her song, all the memories she had been trying to suppress
came rushing back. Her tears were on the brink of escaping the strict
instructions from her head not to cry.

Just a little while more, please…

She managed to make it through the first chorus.

About done, Son Ga-In, you can cry when you leave this stage, not now.
Remember you never want to show him your tears.

She managed to make it through the second verse and was halfway through
the second chorus when she remembered their last day at the apartment.

The lingering fragrance of the couple perfume…

The board void of all the Polaroids that crystallized every happy moment they
ever shared…

The image of his back as he stood there at the door…

The image of him walking away… Never looking back even once…

How can I forget?

She lost the battle. Every single image caused her breath to be taken away.
She could not continue singing.

Suddenly she felt someone holding her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.
She didn’t look up thinking that it was JeA who had come on stage. The
cheering from the audience did feel a little out of place.

“I’m sorry, but I cannot forget you.”

The moment the line was sung, she lifted her head.

There he was, the one person who she had been missing. He was standing
right beside her.

Why was he here? Shouldn’t he be in USA?

“I still only love you and yearn for you.”

He looked at her, the one person he had been missing. He couldn’t believe
that she was right there beside him.

I’m here. I love you.

Ga-In saw in his eyes what she had been denying all along. Yes, it was
definitely there, his love for her. But she realized one thing.

The pain was gone.

“Even if I ever love again,

Even if I meet someone else
There will be no one like you.”

The song ended. He engulfed her in a hug so tight, as if telling her he was
never going to let her go ever again.

“Yeo-bo, I’m back. Would you take me back?” Kwonnie whispered in her ears,
words only meant for her and her only.

She nodded her head.

“Thank you for coming back… and for loving me. Jo Kwon, I love you.”

She whispered in his ears and hugged him tighter.

Kwonnie took a step back and released her from his embrace. Ga-In was a
little shocked by the sudden movement. The next moment had Kwonnie
kneeling in front of her and in his hand was a ring.

“Son Ga-In, would you marry me?”

The crowd went crazy.

Ga-In opened her eyes wide and stared at the man in front of her.

The man who was looking at her with love in his eyes.
The one man who she wants to spend the rest of her life with.

“Yes!”

Kwonnie took her hand and put the ring on her. He got up, pulled her close,
and kissed her.

The cheers from the audience were thunderous.

Suddenly music came from the speakers. It was the introduction to “Propose”.
The couple on stage broke apart from their kiss just as a familiar voice started
singing the song. They turned around and saw the members of 2AM and BEG
walking onto stage. The next lines were sang in turn by the rest of the 2AM
while the BEG members went to congratulate the couple. When the second
verse started, BEG took over. The last chorus was sang by both groups in
perfect harmony.

When it was over, both groups took a bow and thanked the audience. The
moment they reached backstage, Kwonnie could not hold his curiosity
anymore and asked, “Hyung, why are all of you here? What about the
concert?”

“Jin Young hyung asked, no, ORDERED us to come back to Korea with you.
2PM arrived in USA yesterday after receiving a call from Jin Young hyung. He
said to tell you ‘Congratulations’” Seul Ong explained, a broad grin on his
face.

Ga-In looked at her members with suspicious eyes, “and unnies, all of you
knew that this was happening?”

“We only know that Kwonnie was going to be present. We didn’t know that he
was going to propose in front of everyone! That was a total surprise!” JeA
answered excitedly.

“Then the song? You didn’t practice beforehand?” Ga-In still didn’t believe that
her unnies were totally unaware of the proposal.

“Why? Wasn’t it perfect? We are 2AM and BEG after all!! You think we can’t
pull that off without practice?” Narsha sounded a little indignant.

Everyone laughed. The gloom that had plagued them for the past 3 months
has finally been lifted. Ga-In went over to Kwonnie, held his hand and look
him in the eyes.

I’m never letting go of you again.

Ga-In let Kwonnie know of her intent by tightening her grip on his hand.

I dare you to.

Kwonnie looked at her and in that moment they knew. They knew they would
never be on their own again.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

English translations for the songs used in this fan fiction

1. I’m Smiling (내가 웃고 있어요) – Ga-In

Do not worrry, I am fine, just go the way you were traveling

I've been so sorry for making things hard

I won't give reasons or excuses anymore

Thank you for loving me thus far

When tears come out, I will smile, just the way you did for me
I am smiling like a fool, as I send you away

Please take care of that person, I still linger for that person
Once I love you I cannot let go of your hand
Once I send you away, I am hurting like this
It's too late, but I am still happy

I don't know why, you worried for me so much

You'll never know how much I regret this

Because I am like you, I've suddenly become a lingering fool

I've become pitiful after you left

It's laughable that I could not be with you when you were here and I am like
this now after you left
I am smiling today by myself, I want to see you

Please take care of that person, I still linger for that person
Once I love you I cannot let go of your hand
Once I send you away, I am hurting like this
It's too late, but I am still happy

As my tears hit the back of my hand without a sound

I should be smiling but I cried instead

When I think of that person, when I miss that person

Smiling and crying can no longer console me

Please take care of that person, for the last time...(continues to next line)
If I could see that person, I will smile brightly
If you see me, please smile
Credits: crazystacyyyyy@soompi | watermelon586@soompi

2. Like a Fool (바보처럼) – 2AM

Like a fool, why didn't I know?

Like a fool, why did I let you go?
Like a fool, my heart cries slowly
I know now
My love is only you

Even if my eyes look for you

Even if my heart pressures me
I didn't believe that it was love
I believed that I was lonely and had to lean on you

Like a fool, why didn't I know?

Like a fool, why did I let you go?
Like a fool, my heart cries slowly
I know now
My love is only you

Let's not act like fools

Let's not heart ache alone
When tears fell because of the pain
I'd become upset with my heart for being so weak

Like a fool, why didn't I know?

Like a fool, why did I let you go?
Like a fool, my heart cries slowly
I know now

Do you know, that you are my love?

Do you know, that you fill my heart?
Like a fool, I've just found out now
You, I call you

Because without you, I cannot live on

Credits: hazyfiasco and BELLE

3. I Do Not Know Separation (난 이별을 모를래요) – Hwang Ji Hyun

Drip, drip, the tears flow.

Gently, gently, my two eyes close.
Don’t let me know we’re parting.

You look close but you're far away,

It looks as if I can grab you but I couldn't
That's why I am crying today
I don’t want to know what it is to break up.
I’ll live without knowing it.
I want to believe there is not such thing as sadness.
Weren’t you the one who made the promise?

I love you. How can we part?

Can you hear me? I miss you like crazy
How can I forget you?
You want me to erase you?
I’ll live through tears every day.

I close my eyes,
I wipe away my tears.
I wipe away the yearning for you.

But it’s not good enough.

Love must be
The more you try to forget,
The more you remember and yearn for it.

I love you. How can we part?

Can you hear me? I miss you like crazy
How I can I forget you?
You want me to erase you?
I’ll live through tears every day.

I’m sorry, but I cannot forget you.

I still only love you and yearn for you.
Even if I ever love again,
Even if I meet someone else
There will be no one like you.

4. Proposal (청혼) – 2AM

As I said to only wait for me I turned away for a long time,

Saying that if you just wait for a little more that day would come.
oh Someday.

Even though I knew what you wanted to hear and how much of a
long time you've been waiting, I am just now saying it.
You don't have to cry, don't cry.
Hold up your head and smile now.
I will make you smile.
I will give you only happiness as I stay by your side forever.
Don't be afraid, everything will go well.

Thank you. You who waited for this kind of me My love.

It's something that I wanted to say first before I'm sorry.

The words that I wanted to only give to you,

The words that in the end I didn't say, Marry me.

You don't have to cry, don't cry.

Hold up your head and smile now.
I will make you smile.
I will give you only happiness as I stay by your side forever.
Don't be afraid, everything will go well.

Because I know of your tears inside of your waiting,

I'll give back your love now.

You don't have to cry, don't cry.

Hold up your head and smile now.
I will make you smile.
I will give you only happiness as I stay by your side forever.
Don't be afraid, everything will go well.

translation by: jungie@aheeyah.com