Iam,Iamnot:JourneytoselfdiscoveryByNurAlAlam*

I AM monarch of all I survey; My right there is none to dispute;1 I obey no law, but mine2 I am what I have, I am what I possess I make my destiny, I build my world. This is my life, I run the way I like. I am the core of my being My universe runs with my command2 I made myself from one, two, three trillions of cells I made my heart, my limbs, my eyes, my bones. I grew a beautiful pair of lenses to make my eyes. I see through them, I enjoy colourful flowers. I am the dance-insane rhythm I dance on, with my own beat ... I do whatever my mind wants whenever.. It is none, but me, I salute2. I am the ego; I love my ego-self. I wanted to possess the earth and I got it I stockpiled the jewels of earth And I snatched them all from whomever I could Seldom I am quiet, seldom restless and wild, I am the blood-youth I am the invincible power of this universe2. I love showing off my glory, my greatness, I love to boast and brag. I love to tell my stories, only mine I have no time to hear anyone else My cup is always full. I love my body, I love the make ups I am my own idol, I only worship me. I love TV, media, face-book, twitter I love gossips, blogs, and chat-rooms I spend all day writing my view points I enjoy my world, my views. But alas! I am not happy. I feel empty all the time. I have no peace. I cannot sleep in the night. I am worried that someone will steal my wealth. I complain, compare, criticise whenever I can I condemn and show my contempt who ever I find I enjoy inciting wars amongst friends I get pleasure in pain of my enemies I trust no one but me, so everyone is my enemy.

I judge every one with my ideals, I want everyone to follow me. I am always right, so I keep debating, I have to win in all my arguments. I am always possessed by my lust for name, fame and wealth I snatch the God's pride2. I have fear. I have fear of poverty, criticism, ill-health, old age. I have the fear of losing my loved ones I fear death. I realized my heart is sick. So started to look for a green stick, In order for a cure of heart, erasing the glitch Like a new born sweetie, an un-stained core. Travelled seven seas, anchored in many harbours. Found no arbours, no mithridate to cure my heart. By mercy of God, I landed in the heartland of Hazarat Inayat Khan, Spend many months in the sohbet of seekers, Murshid blessed me in the dream. Guided was I, to the Pilgrimage to the self. Inspired to understand, blackstone in Kaaba to be the symbol of black spot in physical heart3. Over the years, through many of my actions displeasing to God, I placed black spots in my heart, blinded hearts eye, I was guided to start cleansing of my heart. Guided to the verse remember God - standing and sitting and lying down4; in the constant remembrance of God, hearts do find the peace5. I realized, I am not the EGO which Edges God Out6. I am at the centre, not at the edge of my being. I felt, this is a journey from the periphery of my being to the centre, Towards my Heart a horizontal journey, Then a vertical journey, from my Heart to God. Now as I reached the centre, I find, I do not exist there anymore.

Iam,Iamnot:JourneytoselfdiscoveryByNurAlAlam*
I am not my name, not my body, not my profession. I exist because Allahs Mercy encompasses everything7, I exist because Allah exists, Everything perishes except His face.8 La Mawjuda El-al-Allah, nothing exists except Allah He manifests Himself everyday in an every way9 On the journey, I met Rose I asked her, your root vein flow through the earth How do you make so beautiful colours and fragrance? Rose tree said, I am a subroutine10 of Gods Universal software exactly same way, you are the instruction of God11 I spread my arteries and veins between sand particles of the mother earth Collect minerals, then use the light of the sun, waves of the air, and the all pervading life in space, then I make the scent and colours for my petals. Then Rose told me, You are a walking earth, You have red rivers flowing inside you through seven seas and five continents in you, You eat earthly minerals from grains, fruits and vegetables, But how do you make thoughts, voices, words and languages from nothing? You are a mystery to me, the way I am to you. Finally, I came to the centre and found, I am not the one, but in the One Not the whole, but in the Whole, In the archetype of Gabriel, Ar-ruh-al-Quddus12(the Holy Spirit). I am not the puzzle, but a piece in the puzzle of the Universe, I make the puzzle complete, Without me, puzzle remains undone. I am not the Pole, I am compass, I aligned to Kaba The axis from Earth aligned to the Universe. I am not what you see; I am what you do not see.13 I am not a human being having spiritual experience, But a spiritual being having human experience14 At the centre, I lose myself, I exist no more. But I can morph into anything.

I can become nothing and everything. I can shrink to dust; I can turn into tree, I feel the way tree feels, spread the roots into the earth, feed the body I think of the rabbit, and become the rabbit, Feel its whiskas, chew the grass, I can think of bird, and become the bird, Feel lighter and fly in the sky, Eat the insects and feel how it keeps itself alive I no longer remain myself, I become anything and everything on the earth. I am in the Zen garden, Full of Sun, Moon and Stars with An Universe of all pervading life I am amazed; I got a place in that garden. The invisible divine energy, that flows through everything, the power In the infinite time and space, That causes tidal waves, cause motion of Universe I feel the PULL of that wave, in the pulses of my artery and vein15. Journeying through the self, I find I am not the art, but the dot which makes the art, I am not the music, but one of the many notes which make the music, I am not the earth, but the speck of dust that makes the earth, I am not the candle or its wick, but the flame that brings the light, Candle burns itself to give the light, Same way, I burn my body calorie, to pass through the journey from cradle to grave, And give the light of life to this earth & the universe. Guided to verse, anything and everything That the Universe contained, Is busy in constant vibration of Zikar16 At the centre, I feel I am not the ocean, but a drop in the ocean, I am not the solid mass of bone, flesh and blood But a vortex,17 doing the constant zikar around my heart. When I move, every cell moves I am in synch with every cell Circling on vortex-axis, in the core of my heart. I see it like the simultaneous reflections In the three trillion mirrors,

Iam,Iamnot:JourneytoselfdiscoveryByNurAlAlam*
one in each cell, showing movement of Zikar Its such a magic to watch. At the centre of my being, I learnt I am not the player, I am the instrument, I am the medium, God expresses Himself18 His wujud and His shuhud19. But nothing of us is as His likeness.20 God created Adam in His form21 He formed you, and made your forms beautiful22 The Real is with us wherever we are23 O God, make me an instrument of Thy peace24 At the centre, I find, I am not the matter, as matter submits to gravity by force, But I submit to God willingly, To Thee do we give willing surrender25 So I feel like Rabia Basri, who said I am in the world, but not of the world26, present in this life like a lotus leaf in the water that gets wet never. Then guided to Pir Zia teaching: Making It Real27 Living at the centre with God consciousness is Something requires lots of practice and perfections. Because all creatures dwell in constant change and taqallub (fluctuation)28 The guidance is, When we reach the core, and say our prayers Let our ears, become aware God hears through our ears When we read al-Quran verses, Let our voice speaks Gods words We become aware Thy voice which constantly cometh from within29 By switching from I am to I am not We reach the station of fana annihilation, Thus assimilate from I-ness to One-ness O Soul, say Ueidhu nafsi bil-llah (I surrender my nafs-ego to Allah). It is slaying by the strength of its arm That it may become conscious of its own strength. Its self-deceptions are the essence of Life30; After that you will feel, everything comes to you, is a gift of blessings from Allah, Allahs blessing is countless31 Only thing you give is praise and love. After all, love is the glue that binds everything.

1 The Solitude of Alexander Selkirk William Cowper,1875, London 2 Bidrohi (The Rebel), Kazi Nazrul Islam, 1922, Bengal, http://banglamusic.com/artists/nazrul/nazrul_the_rebel.htm 3 Citation of Hasan al-Basri by Margaret Smith, An Early Mystic of Bagdad, 1935, London: Sheldon Press 4 Quran,4:103, when you have finished your prayer, remember God standing and sitting and lying down 5 Quran,13:28,verily, in remembrance of God, hearts do find rest 6 Dr. Wayne Dyer, Inspiration: Your Ultimate Calling, P-28 7 Quran, 7:156, But My Mercy encompasses everything 8 Quran, 55:26; everything that is thereon will perish 9 Quran, 55:29, every day He manifests Himself in yet another way. 10 Subroutine is a computer programming term which means a set of instructions that performs a specific task for a main routine or large universal programme 11 Quran, 17:85, Say, Soul is an instruction from my Lord 12 Quran, 2:87, We vouchsafed unto Jesus, the son of Mary, all evidence of the truth, and strengthened him with Holy Spirit 13 Masnavi, 1250, Mawlana Jalaluddin Rumi Everything in world of seen has a root in the world of unseen 14 "The Phenomenon of Man" 1955, Pierre Teilhard de Chardin. 15 Paraphrased from song Akash Vora Surya Tara, Rabindranath Tagore 16 Quran verse, 17:44, There is not a single thing but extols His limitless glory and praise: but you (O human) fail to grasp the manner of their glorifying Him! 17 Vortex - A cloud of moving particles around axis, That which Transpires behind that which appears Pir Vilayat Inayat Khan, Omega publication, 1994 18 No entity of any existent thing becomes manifest except through His self-disclosure, Self-Disclosure of God , W. Chittick,P-15, Ibn Arabi 19 wujud means existence and shuhud means witnessing 20 Quran verse, 42:11, there is nothing like unto Him 21 Sahih Al-Bukhari, Kitab Al-Istithan, 1; Muslim, Kitab Al-Birr 115 22 Quran verse, 40:64, 64:3 23 Quran verse, 57:4 24 Saint Francis of Assisi prayer 25 Saum - Hazrat Inayat Khan Prayer 26 Rabia song lyrics - http://wahiduddin.net/music/ 27 As per Al-Bukhari hadith from Abu Hurayra I am his hearing with which he hears, his seeing with which he sees, Pir Zia recommended practice to watch the ratio of speaking & listening in daily life, to become aware of willing surrender of our ears and eyes through which God hears and sees 28 Self-Disclosure of God- Principles of Ibn Arabis Cosmology, William Chittick, SUNY press, 1998 29 Khatm - Hazrat Inayat Khan Prayer 30 Secret of Self Mohammad Iqbal, 1915, translation R. A Nicholson 31 Quran verse, 14:34, if ye count the favours of Allah, never will ye be able to number them *NurAlAlamisaSufibasedinMelbourne,Australia,canbereached onemailnurulm.alam@gmail.com