Living and Enjoying A project about a project of Chris Johan Van de Putte This is a story about 26 conversations I had

- over 1,5 year - with Chris. Its a story about her journey of getting her life back from the impact of certain problems and shaping it along preferred lines. Its also a story of my journeying towards a more decentred position to stand on, and a search for how to position my own knowledges and practices coming from my cognitive-behavioural background. I have included some reflections on some of the points of friction along the way. I havent chosen the person I have had the most narratively dense series of conversations with, with the most exemplary use of narrative maps, as that wouldnt have allowed me to dwell upon some of the frictions or conflicts that I have experienced. Introduction to the predicaments of Chris life When I met Chris, she was staying on a ward for mood and anxiety disorders, part of the psychiatric department of a university hospital. She explained to me that she had crashed 3 years before. This crash had consisted of a sudden and overwhelming inability to exert any physical or mental effort, an inability to concentrate, dizziness, and a constant fatigue and headache. This happened in the context of a work situation where Chris had been working very hard, every day, from 4.30 am until 11 pm, for a period of three years. She had been an assistant professor, working on her PhD in the field of Arts, but she had been charged with a major reform that took up most of her time, at the cost of her PhD. She had wanted to do her work conscientiously and she had been thinking that she could do it all. In order to manage it all, Chris timed everything she did.1 A neurologist had named this crash a burnout syndrome and had recommended that she would take rest: in time she would get better. After 5 months she was able to read an article for the first time. A few months later even a short trip to Madrid was possible. However about a year after the crash, Chris experienced a sharp deterioration of her physical and mental condition. This started after the professor she worked for had suggested that she d give up on her PhD and settle for an assistants job. Chris didnt understand where this deterioration came from and because of that feelings of anxiety came on stage. This experience made her very anxious about possible negative impact of her actions, as if anything could make her crash. Again, after some months she managed to build up a bit until knee and back problems appeared that made it impossible to ride a bike or walk even a short distance. This really added to a fear that things would never get better. Chris relation to sound and noise changed also: I have become highly sensitive to noise. This has been the case for the last three years but lately this has become horrible. Listening to music makes me dizzy and gives me hyperventilation attacks.
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Some of my colleagues suggested that Chris might be perfectionist and obsessive. At the time I had the sense that these names wouldnt add anything useful. Living and Enjoying (1)

What had supported her in her decision to come to the hospital was her sense that she was trapped in body and mind. And that something else was needed than rest. Some more perspective on actual problems At the time we met burnout made - Chris easily and quickly tired, and - sensitive to sound. Pain in her head and back were very present, limiting her mobility but also disturbing her sleep. These problems were controlling 50 % of her life. They were - making her very tired during conversations, - giving her anxiety attacks and claustrophobia (elevators, busses and cars are okay but not medical investigations), - making it impossible for her to read and watch television. At that time I didnt explore Chris evaluation of these effects or the foundation of her evaluation, because on the one hand this wasnt already part of my approach, and I was also touched by her suffering. Being in the hospital was a continuous challenge to her: she was exposing herself to people, to activities and to noise, whereas before she had chosen calm, rest and isolation. Reflection I still sometimes have to make a deliberate effort to explore peoples evaluation of the effects and activities of their problems and the foundation of that evaluation. I realise that such explorations facilitate meaning making and finding a position in relation to the problem. But this exploration can sometimes certainly in the light of obviously serious problems feel a bit (culturally) inappropriate: as if one lacks the empathy to sense the obvious evaluation of the problem(s), and as if one puts oneself in a position clinical curiosity: How is it for this person to live this problem and why is that so? Right now I get my conversation and myself over this doorstep by introducing this exploration in saying:I am going to ask you a question that you might find a bit offensive, but I would still like to put it to you. Introduction to Chris as a person At the very beginning of our conversations, I didnt foster a lot of rich storytelling about Chris identity, as I didnt go into a Chris evaluation of her problems. However she did share with me her hope that her stay at the hospital would be instrumental in fostering her recovery. And she hoped that such a recovery would enable her again to paint and draw. She relished in the sensory contact with the canvas. She enjoyed the material and mental preparation, and the actual painting and drawing had always been very happy times, losing any notion of time. Chris also hoped to continue some form of research, as she had been practicing in the course of her work on her PhD. When asked about her PhD, she explained in tears about the subject, and that her tears were a testimony to how dear the researching and writing had been to her.

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Introduction to the context of and on the ward: despair and expert knowledge On the ward for anxiety and mood disorders Chris was staying and I was working on, the intention of the staff is to offer evidence-based biological and psychological treatment. This intention goes along with a preference for cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) as an evidence-based psychological approach. At the time of Chris stay, she attended 2 hours a week of introduction to CBT perspectives on depression and anxiety as part of a group program. Another aspect of context is the presence of despair on the ward: - A lot of people are feeling pretty down and are afraid they wont get better. There are always people staying on the ward who have been in hospital with diagnoses of depression before. This discovery constructs people who have never been to such a ward as first timers. - In Belgium being hospitalised in Psychiatry is a social degradation, meaning that one is a nut case. - Two to three times a year, staff and patients hear about a patient or ex-patient having put an end to ones life. - People can stay on the ward for 6 to 8 weeks, and then they are to go home or if they cant will be advised to go to a psychiatric hospital (an even greater degradation, and sometimes cause for suicide). I feel these aspects of context can contribute - in patients and colleagues - to an intervention hunger, or an intervention despair, or to an increased sense that rescue should be sought outside. Expert knowledge is privileged. Expert knowledge: Behaviour therapy, activation and exposure Chris was quickly introduced to ideas about the benefits of gradually building up activity. This is a standard idea (called behaviour activation) in a CBT approach of depression. Before it was even suggested to Chris she had picked this up as something that might be relevant to her life at that moment. This idea was a guide for her towards taking up some level of activity in the face of frightening and alarming sensations that came up. Behaviour therapy has a good record in terms of offering help to people whos life has been getting very constrained by certain anxieties. Central in this approach is the concept and practice of therapeutic exposure to what one is afraid of. It is thought that exposure makes it possible to (re-)learn that certain situations dont lead (so often as thought) to catastrophic situations. For example, by taking elevators again, one finds out that they dont get stuck as often as the anxiety had you thinking. And the association between certain situations and strong physiological anxiety responses grows weaker as physiological responses get weaker during prolonged exposure (people experience that strong bodily responses dont remain strong). One kind of influence I exerted from a behavioural perspective concerned Chris relationship with sound/noise. Chris had tried to shield herself from noise/sound as she was experiencing these as ever more aversive. I proposed a possible account of this evolution by naming it as a noise-phobia. This is of course a clear example of proposing an experience-far description, but not a strange way to proceed from a behavioural perspective. It leads automatically to ideas about what to do to lessen the

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impact of this phobia. So I suggested Chris an exercise whereby she would direct her attention towards the world of sound around her and try to be mindful (open, accepting, exploratory) of sounds as sensory events unfolding from moment to moment, and in general I encouraged her to experiment with allowing sound and noise to touch her the way it did, and see if she could invest less and less in avoidance. Reflection on the introduction of expert knowledges Right now I have a clearer understanding of the fact that expert knowledges are linked to discourses, and that these discourses are part of a power imbalance, partly created and sustained by privileging and guarding certain knowledges and practices. Certain groups in society gain privileges in doing this and in claiming ownership of these knowledges and practices. I also have a clearer understanding of the fact that in privileging expert knowledges a therapist will not be engaging a person in meaning making, in re-authoring her or his life according to preferred intentions, values, knowledges and practices, and in re-grading existing knowledges and practices. Yet, it doesnt feel okay to me to think I might be narratively pure in asking people if they would be interested in hearing or reading other peoples words about how they approached a similar problem, whereas I would be committing a narrative sin if I would offer so-called expert ideas. So-called expert ideas are ideas of specific people who through experiences with other persons have become enthusiastic about the potential of these ideas (and the practices that go along with it). Michael Whites (19952) ideas on (dis)embodied acts of speech are inspiring me to provide more context around CBT expert perspectives, talking for example about how I have come across an idea or practice, who the author is of the article or book that inspired me, what some of the experiences have been that I have had with it. If an expert knowledge or practice makes sense to a person, you can explore how this is possible: based on what experiences for example, and so you can trace the history of the ability to find some sense in this idea or suggestion of this therapist. Chris did try and act upon the suggestions even though this brought along stress, tension, headache, pain and anxiety, and as she called it a slow rehabilitation. Reflection on the re-storying of initiatives of compliance In CBT practice someone who does what the therapist suggests, is constructed as a cooperative client. I have been experimenting with inviting a person to story the initiative she or he undertook following an expert-based suggestion the way one would do it with any other unique outcome. Example: Cathy had sought help for a butterfly phobia. We had been having some exposure-rich experiences together with butterflies. When we met again after the summer, Cathy told me about a situation where suddenly a butterfly had come into the room she was in. Cathy: I grabbed the door handle to flee to the kitchen, but then I thought: no, I am not going to do that. I stayed still. I even moved a bit closer to the butterfly. J: How was it possible for you to do that? Cathy: It was something like: I am not going to let this push me around. Should I let
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Michael White (1995). Re-authoring lives: Interviews and essays. Adelaide: Dulwich Centre Publications. Living and Enjoying (4)

my life Everything came back in a flash: I am not gonna let me push around any more. I am standing here, feeling good about myself. I dont need to be scared. I am moving one step closer to it. J: Did this have any influence on how you saw yourself afterwards? Cathy: I felt proud. I asked some confirmation from Carl: do you think I would have dared that last year? He said: No. I was glad. It made me feel stronger. J: What kind of act would you call this? This deciding not to leave the room and even moving a step closer? Cathy: What do you mean? J: Well, would you call this an act of giving in to the fear? Cathy: Oh no. Let me think. It was an act of resistance. I am resisting the fear. I do allow myself to feel it, I am looking deliberately to the butterfly, but I resist the mad fear. I dont allow it to take control over me. A review: some experiences with burnout Chris was prepared to be interviewed about some of her experiences with burnout in order to share this document with other people I might meet. This was also a way of re-visiting her understanding of her problems and of her approach of them at a moment when they no longer dominated her. Are there certain experiences you would like to share with other people who have to deal with burnout? In the course of 4 years I have had to go really slow. Recovery is a bumpy road. Sometimes this is hard to understand for those around you (Is it really possible that she cant do that?). In a way you have to demand it or you have to ask for some help. Fortunately my husband is very tactful, very calm. It is not really necessary that family say things like: we havent seen you for quite a while (on festive occasions). They can just come up and have a chat. And if that isnt possible, well thats just how it is then. I have two good friends. Sometimes they came along with flowers. They asked how I was. Once in a while they gave me a call. Then they left me in peace for a while. They gave me another call and asked: If you feel like it, well have a drink. They were a great support. They left me in peace without pulling out completely. Sometimes they passed by and my daughter told them I was asleep. No problem, they answered. And I didnt feel like I had to phone them in return. At the beginning I felt some pressure around work. It felt like I had to be able to say things were improving. Sometimes I suffered from: Now I have to show some improvement. But then there isnt any and you are asking too much of yourself. A phobia for sound developed, and a phobia to do things. Maybe because sometimes I had progressed a bit too fast and then I had suffered a blow. Would you want to say something about the effects that burnout has had on you? For me burnout has had a big impact on the body. A few years ago I moved very slowly. I got back problems. I already had had some but by moving less, your

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muscles become weaker. Right now it does me good if I can do something physically (although one feels tired). You have to build it up gradually. I had huge headaches. Whenever I wanted to do something or just speak, my headache got worse. Thats a huge restraint and hindrance. I also suffered a loss of equilibrium, especially when I did something that was too wearying. Other effects of burnout were that you couldnt have a conversation or discussion. Intellectual things fall away (like being able to read a book) and you cant share your experiences with other people any more. That was hard. Emotional experiences are raised to the square. Someone with burnout needs some protection, and needs people that accept that you need rest. Its difficult hat it doesnt show the way a broken leg shows. Once I had a positive experience when I went to visit an ophthalmologist. She asked me how I was and I told her I had a burnout. She said: ouch, are you all right? You just have lots of rest. I know some people who also have it and it is very hard. Sometimes you are having a wedding party three months later. You think: I need to be better then. But sometimes nothing happens in three months. Reading, sound, a conversation, just quickly doing something, cooking a meal, making a choice in what youre gonna do first, these are things that can require lots and lots of effort. And for someone without burnout they are taken for granted. Overall the limitations that this burnout brought along were a claustrophobic experience, mentally as well as physically. Have there been moments that you almost lost hope? And how did you get hope back then? Yes. Once I had the idea: As long as I have my imagination and I can do something with that Maybe there will come a moment that things will get better. And when I really lost hope, I went to the hospital. And when I had the experience that I managed to swim (during my stay in the hospital), I thought to myself: If I can manage this, maybe I ll be able to manage something else too. Regaining a certain mobility, being able to walk through the corridors, taking an elevator, walking, swimming, in other words the gradual increasing of my physical abilities through a slow rehabilitation came hand in hand with an experience that I could best describe as a mental exploration of space. At the beginning (of the burnout) I just tried to remember things like movies I had seen, or books I had read, or who was it I worked together with back then? It reminded me of the Japanese movie Dodeskaden (of Akira Kurosawa). In it there was a father and a son who lived on a scrap heap. In the morning they lied down in an old streetcar. The father asked the son: Where would you like to go? They closed their eyes, imagined that the streetcar started (Do-des-ka-den) and then the father said all sorts of things based on his memory. They imagined that they really came in all these places.

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Imagination and a mental exploration of space David Denborough heightened my curiosity about the meanings around imagination and mental exploration of space, so we talked about that: Mental exploration of space: It was as if gradually something changed through the things I experienced in terms of my body, and the things you actually do. Space is explored physically and then something happens in your thinking. There is a sense of freedom: you start thinking of other things. Mentally other things become possible. Was this something that happened by itself? It isnt just an autonomous event. You feel something and then maybe you push things in a certain direction by dreaming and thinking. I think there was a receptivity to see things. I remember being in my room here in the hospital looking through the windows at buildings of Henry Van de Velde3. There was something that drew my attention: seeing these buildings and walking through the corridors and having a look at the model of the buildings. I even looked something up. So there is a receptive part and something you deliberately do? Yes, the receptivity happens autonomously. Then there is this pleasant feeling you carry with you through the corridors. And you start looking at other proportions. Its partly autonomous and partly directed. Is this related to what happens when you write? Yes, while you write, other things grow. You see, in exploring space mentally, you are engaging with other things than what you are actually doing. Mentally you are dreaming or thinking about something. Then something starts growing: you start thinking more about certain things. Its not about functional thinking. Its about possibilities. And if you are just staying home because you no longer dare to go out, there is a big difference with when you are able to go places. Then you can see things and your mind will go and explore other territories. I imagine that this process involves subtle choices you make, things you do or refrain from doing. Do you think there is some know how involved in this process? I think it involved taking small initiatives. Withdrawing a bit, seeing the possibilities the mind has to offer. How do you think you acquired some of the skills involved in this mental exploration of space or imagination or in this balancing of receptivity and directing? I think changing a lot of environment has been fruitful because it made me taking
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Belgian architect Living and Enjoying (7)

different perspectives. Like moving from Congo to Belgium. For example school: realizing that school here was different than it was in Congo. In primary school I changed school almost every year. And I learnt to put things into perspective: things are different in different places. I know this was a pleasant experience for me. It made me long to see new things. There was also some nostalgia for old friends. You want to go back and find out how they are. Have certain people played a part in your skills or feeling for this mental exploration of space or imagination or in this balancing of receptivity and directing? People? Well, certainly my parents. My father absolutely loved to travel. I remember one of his phrases: How long do I still have to drive before I see something new? He loved to go and look at things and we enjoyed going along. I was so excited when we left for the holidays. What sort of world did your father introduce you to? I think it gave me the idea: if ever I will feel bad later, Ill just go over the border: there are so many others things to see that the bad feeling will fall. I had the experience that when you travel, you come back differently from when you started. Do you think that in exploring the world in this way, you picked up something in terms of receptivity/directing? My interest in the art of painting has something to do with the fact that there are surprises. Also when you are creative yourself or when you go to an exhibition: there are surprises. Your history of openness for surprises, can you remember other persons having played a part in this, for example in introducing you to this, or acknowledging and validating your openness, or supporting you in this? I remember I had a good friend when I was in my early twenties, who had this huge curiosity for arts, visual arts and literature. He stimulated me. Can you tell me a story about that? He could say to me: Chris, there is a theatre festival in Rotterdam and we just jumped on a train to Rotterdam. We just did that. And during my studies I met other people who were curious and you stimulate one another. Curiosity is very important. It makes you look differently at things. You try to sense certain things or aspects, possibly things you are occupied with unconsciously. I remember how I went to an exhibition the first time after my stay at the hospital. I went there with a certain hunger. Then you see things and you stay. Does this curiosity have on effect on your thinking?

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It makes you forget about time.4 Can you say a bit more about what imagination meant for you when you were still very much under the shadow of burnout? With your body you cant do anything. You are incapable of doing things. You have to rely on yourself completely. You can try and remember things. You see something, for example the bookcase. Then you try to call up the story. And you try to imagine things. There were moments that I was lying on the couch daydreaming for one or two hours. In what way is imagination important to you? I only know its important to me. Take theatre: you have the stage, the house and all sorts of things take place. And if you ponder on what one can do with 26 letters thats imagination too. Alternative problem? Crash phobia A few months after our last conversation on the ward, we took a fresh look at the problems. Chris talked about - a very annoying muscle tension that would even get worse as a result of relaxation exercises; - still being hindered by some noises and exposure-based exercises not resulting in less but more tension. - a bizarre shyness that contrasted sharply with her usual chatterbox-ness and that: o makes me taciturn even with very familiar people, o makes me look for contacts less, o makes me not go to exhibitions, o makes me doubt my confidence in my conversation skills, o makes me look at myself the way I think the other person is looking at me, which is a bother because I can t be as spontaneous as the other one. Spontaneity which is about dealing playfully with everything - is important to Chris as it gives her a sense of freedom and adds to the possibilities of dialogue, something she loves. Spontaneity has been important from childhood on: Playing is fun. The tension and shyness were both limiting this. Some exceptions to these problems had been: - A moment of enjoying some guitar playing of a neighbour and of listening to Stabat Mater of Vivaldi. - Hearing some Indonesian sounds on the bus after having read in a book about Indonesia.
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In the period before her crash Chris had a very strenuous relationship with time. She tried to time everything she did and be as productive as possible in the available time. Living and Enjoying (9)

A bypassing of shyness in a conversation with a friend through making use of photographs that they could both look at and talk about.

These moments of enjoying sound were not sought after; they came up in a context of curiosity. Confronted with these pushy experiences of muscle tension and sound aversion I had the feeling that we needed to pull out some of the thinking that these problems fed on. So I suggested that based on what she told me - it seemed to me that she was under the influence of a fear of crashing: a crash phobia. It was as if this crash phobia made her wary of unpleasant experiences suggesting that these might contribute to Chris crashing again. It was as if this crash phobia told her: You cant afford to experience stress and so it alarmed her when something unpleasant was around. I suggested that we investigate the thinking this fear was based on and that we could contrast it with other hypotheses, like: - I can afford to experience quite some stress without crashing in any definitive form, and - Gradually pushing my limits is okay and might result in being at ease in situations that I find stressful now. I suggested we d analyse situations to find out what made most sense in terms of these hypotheses. To Chris this made sense. Reflection This is a construction that was inspired by earlier experiences I had with exposing some of the hypotheses or predictions that fed problems and with contrasting these with alternative hypotheses and predictions, often based on expert knowledge. A book on behaviour experiments5 had been an inspiration. Now I think I could have decentred myself a bit more by asking Chris what thinking was feeding the problems. And what other perspectives were kept out of the picture by the problem or the thinking that fed it. My preference now is to experiment more with de-centeredness. However I have two howevers: - I also appreciate ethically the position that as a therapist you can try and minimize the negative effects of the power imbalance by expressing clearly your own thinking and encouraging the other person to express his or her standpoint. Holding back your own thinking and at the same time constructing questions that might yield the answers you are hoping for,
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Bennett-Levy, J., Butler, J., Fennell, M., Hackmann, A., Mueller, M., and Westbrook , D. (eds.) (2004). Oxford Guide to Behavioural Experiments in Cognitive Therapy. Oxford University Press. Behavioural experiments are seen as powerful methods of intervention in cognitive therapy. They can be designed to put certain perspectives that people hold, and that are seen as problem-sustaining, to the test, and/or to do the same with perspectives that the therapist sees as more probable and helping. If I formulate it in an externalising philosophy I could say that behavioural experiments are about creating a context whereby some of the thinking that the problem uses to exert power over a person is tested, and/or a perspective is tested that could be disempowering of the problem (and empowering of the person).

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cannot be considered taking a de-centred position. I think I have a responsibility to be influential when I think this can put limits to the influence of problems or when I can contribute to the living along preferred lines. In Playful approaches to serious problems (Freeman, Epston & Lobovits, 1997), one can find some powerfully influencing manoeuvres when having to deal with powerfully influencing problems (like anorexia) or cultural forces (like parent blaming), whereby the therapists take up very influential positions.

And so we re-searched Chris experiences. For example there was a week that she had tried to push the limits: she - went to the dentist, - visited a crowded museum with her daughter and forgot about the crowdedness when contemplating the paintings, - visited a noisy neighbour, - and had her mother staying with her, which had brought some fun and some headache. Reflecting upon this week Chris concluded that: - she did not crash, - she did have headaches, - she had been able to read despite the headache, - and she felt good with a week like this. Another experience had been a dinner in a restaurant with some people: J: What had been the predictions of crash phobia? Chris: That there would be music that would be very disturbing, and that would trigger a huge headache, and that I would just barely be able to endure everything. J: What happened in reality? Chris: At first the music was a bit disturbing but also sometimes beautiful. After a few hours I became aware of some headache. J: How intense was it? Chris: It was reasonable, and it passed afterwards. J: What else happened? Chris: It was a lot of fun; there was a lot of humour. J: Did you crash? Chris: No (laughing). J: If it wasnt crashing that was going on, what was going on? Chris: There is a positive evolution going on. Chris hoped that in getting free from crash phobia, it would become more possible for her to move freely and to go and visit family. She started to look forward to meeting some friends again. And when she did meet with a bunch of friends in a noisy restaurant, she really enjoyed herself. This enjoying was about really wanting to share experiences and ideas. And in enjoying all this she hadnt experienced the noisiness and crowdedness as a bother. She had left it for what it was. Her friends had encouraged her to drive a car again and to orient herself to work again. That week, for the first time in years, Chris drove a car again. Week after week the predictions of crash phobia turned out wrong. For example it

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predicted that attending a funeral would bring along intense painful emotions that would cause a crash, whereas Chris had in fact been able to tolerate and sooth her painful emotions; that she would be close-tongued at a family party whereas she had been talking and asking questions and had felt touched at seeing people again; that taking a trip to Bonn (Germany) would cause too much stress whereas Chris enjoyed the experiencing of other perspectives and the seeing of possibilities just by being away from the familiar. It had been literally and metaphorically crossing a border.

This provided a huge encouragement to push limits but in a way that allowed Chris to live a different life. A different life: Living and enjoying, time and loitering Experiences led to other experiences For example when talking about her experience of the trip to Bonn, I asked about possible other expressions of her openness for different perspectives and Chris told me how she was opening herself up again to reading (which is also about experiencing a shifting in perspective) and writing. She had begun to read in a book and she had been reflecting upon how she might express her own thoughts about what she had been reading. Chris took up the intention to start a new research and writing project. She figured that doing something new would keep her free from the pressure to re-read all the old texts of her PhD. It should be about crossing a border, not about catching up. Chris enjoyed the developing of her own thinking and the satisfying of her curiosity. She loved the regaining of old possibilities. However one question kept coming back: How far can I go? This made us revisit history in order to find out in what way history that preceded the crash differed (in terms of limitless stress) from the way Chris was living her life right now. When Brenda, the professor she had been working for, suggested that Chris could work on a new PhD, one that would allow her to take her own creative work as subject, this idea had a lot of appeal for Chris, but it made her shiver too. It would mean coming out of the shelter of her studio. The shiver was about - not wanting to do everything as a function of work but still having the pleasure of having time to really enjoy the things that I couldnt enjoy any more, like watching tennis, having a drink with someone, welcoming friends, going to see my mother, and about - wanting to preserve a certain distance in her relationship with Brenda, with an autonomy in thinking, writing and going ones own way. We looked for a name of the project the shiver was about and Chris named it Living and Enjoying. And as the project PhD would involve working together with other people, we thought about the team of people who could support the Living and Enjoying project, and about sharing the project and the importance of it with Brenda. The taking into consideration of a Phd about her own work however did go a bit at the

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expense of Living and Enjoying because Chris had more a sense of being short of time. This led us into an exploration of Chris journey and preferences in time. We learnt about - a longing to have time to herself, - Chris having learnt: o what isnt done now, can be done tomorrow, o not every problem needs to be solved immediately (it might solve itself), o most problems are not life-threatening, - how horrible it had been to be completely dominated and driven by time during the period before the crash, - how there had been such a need to steal time, - how horrible it had been to have no space for ones own thoughts and feelings, - how this this had been about a flat and linear approach of life, where one produces and reduces oneself to a functional object, - whereas time can have another dimension, maybe something more undulating, o where one feels like a subject, o something that transcends function, o where there is loitering; loitering is not just about going from point A to point B. In the conversation following the one about time, Chris caught me up on her realisation that a good way for her to organise herself is to divide her time between - working in her studio, - writing and - loitering. This allowed her to - have doubts, - to get on a wrong track, - and to give space for spontaneity and creativity: which is the point of it all. End remarks Chris journey is still going on. As is mine. And once a month we still have a conversation. I look forward to the next one, as I feel fascination and joy in witnessing the living of this trinity of working, writing and loitering, and this living of undulating time. I hope that Chris sharing of her expertise in this will not fall upon barren ground in my life. Johan Van de Putte October 2008

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