An Alternate Outlook for the sport of NASCAR, part 3 Hello again, gang.

This represents the third and final demented look into the future of NASCAR, and its possible demise if they don t change the currently broken formula that Brain France, whoops, I mean Brian France is pushing for now, and the future. However, before I go into the murky comedic depths of where NASCAR might be going, this might be a good time to remind you, the viewing audience, that I do not possess some sordid hatred of all things NASCAR, even though my constant harping of that sanctioning body might lead some to think so. The truth, however, is that I actually enjoy the sport, and some of the races on the schedule are really pretty good from a racing action standpoint. My problem? NASCAR is clearly a sinking ship, never mind the flash of the cameras, the constant naysayers speaking about growth of the sport , and the spectacle that one sees on TV, or at the track. While I do not profess to understand how the France cartel can be so blind as to what is occurring, I do have some thoughts as to why they are ignoring the problems. 1. NASCAR has become way too big. As in other corporate circles, large machinations of business are slow to accept change. However, this isn t a mere change in product, or a new law that needs to be worked around. This is quite literally the end of the sport as we know it that NASCAR is facing. Viewers are the most valuable customer with the product that NASCAR sells, which is racing entertainment (if you could call it that). However, the customers are leaving the building for other products, and nothing is being done to change the product to lure them back. In fact, changes have been made to drive even more customers away from the NASCAR brand, such as the COSHAT, and pulling race dates away from popular tracks, and forcing existing customers to watch races that appeal to network executives, but alienate the existing customer base. 2. NASCAR is trying to do something never before done in all of professional and amateur motorsports; they are trying to create artificially close racing, through mandates and legislation via the sanctioning body rules ..and don t even get me started on the one rule fits all rulebook that the France cartel dragon guards like a treasure horde, never letting anyone really see what s inside At any rate let s get back to the timeline, shall we? 2014: continued ..As the NASCAR race schedule hits race #5 at Bristol, instead of sitting in the pits and twiddling their thumbs, while race officials (the two or three that are left) are huddled in a trailer, eating their lunch while the 450-lap race intermission takes place during the race, all 16 teams now have a barstool racer or two to race during what the teams now jokingly refer to the Intermission 400 , which is what they call the space between the 10 and 15 sessions of each race, and the teams have now lined up their mounts at the start/finish line of the Bristol circuit. Obviously, since nobody is watching the

space between the first 10 and last 15 laps, the general public still thinks a race is going on, but the truth is that there hasn t been a full race ran since the 2013 season. The race teams are now having more fun working on the Barstool racers than they are the actual race cars, because pit crew members can actually race against the drivers, instead of the way it is now, with the pit crew members never sitting inside the race car they so lovingly (well, before the COSHAT showed up, anyway) prepare for every race. The plan? To race 30 laps around Bristol, with the barstool racers. They begin with a standing start, and of course, the jerk waving the green flag shook it then hid it behind his back as a practical joke, requiring that the racers get off of their motorized and highly-modified barstool rides, and line up to restart. The flag waves this time however, and the race begins .and a funny thing happens. ABC, which still shows the abbreviated races, begins airing the impromptu barstool event, breaking from the regular NASCAR crash footage that they were normally airing. The viewing public loves it. Phones ring off of the hook, emails begin flying. The drivers actually look like they are having fun for the first time in 5 years and they didn t spend a fortune to do it. NASCAR holds an emergency press conference, and begins denouncing the barstool race as a renegade event perpetrated by evil people , and promises to punish the people responsible with fines. However, the threat ends up being retracted, as the main series sponsor, Camping Sanitary Napkins , threatens to pull their financial support if NASCAR proceeds with their plan to punish those who upstaged the regular race. The series sponsor, even though they are having even tougher financial times forcing yet another name change, seeing the elevated ratings generated, insists that the barstool races become a fixture of every future NASCAR race, and agrees to be the series sponsor if the barstools are allowed to run (provided they generate higher ratings). As more race viewers begin to find out about the barstool racing, and see how much fun it is NASCAR s ratings shoot through the roof .and now, nobody is watching the regular racing, instead, they are tuning in for barstool racing on the remaining tracks on the schedule .and tuning out the COSHAT. In addition, due to the increased exposure, the series sponsor experiences a business boom. At the end of the season, the NASCAR series champ is crowned .but nobody cares. Everybody is waiting for the 2015 season opener, when the barstools run at Daytona. 2015 brings about a LOT of changes. The excitement generated during the offseason translates into the first race sellouts since the 2008 season .the races are sold out, not a ticket to be found, anywhere. In addition, this generates sponsor interest in NASCAR again, but also brings about rule changes not for the COSHAT (what s left of the COSHAT, anyway), strangely enough, but for the Barstools themselves. The barstools, which are built out of chromemoly steel tubing, are now required to run bodywork around the frame, in order for sponsor logo placement. In addition, the drivers have to be NASCAR licensed, remember, when driving barstools around Daytona at 150 mph, Safety First!

NASCAR also imposed an engine-size limit of 500cc s, as some guys were running 750cc Kawasaki triplecylinder two-stroke engines, and flying off of the tracks while trying to go into the corners. However, since the teams now have a 5-month off-season, development work went like gangbusters on the barstool engines and chassis, and these stools are now putting down some serious horsepower out of their 500cc single-cylinder, two-stroke engines. However, since testing has been banned since the 2009 season, nobody is going to know how the barstools are going to behave in a pack .as there are once again 43 entries in a NASCAR event .for the Barstool class. The regular COSHAT car? 10 teams showed up with entries .and nobody is filming it. The race starts off really well, the pack of 43 two-stroke engines screaming together sound like a hive of really angry bees, not unlike the sound that would be heard if Winnie the Pooh took a ball bat to the hive. The stools run together pretty well, but since NASCAR mandated bodywork to the frames, where the air normally just went through the stool framework, now it hits a wall, and upsets the stools when they get close together .and of course, the stools weren t immune to the big one , which always seems to happen at Daytona nobody was seriously hurt, thank God, but 21 of the stools went bouncing into the stands, and took out a empty Budweiser beer cart and a Team Depends fan sign that was set up for the COSHAT race. However, the fans were hooked, and couldn t wait until the next race. By the third race of the Camping Plates and Forks cup season (they re back to selling camping plates and cups again), the decision was quietly made to drop the COSHAT from the remaining race schedule .entirely. However, what to do with the leftover COSHAT cars, since nobody wanted them? They were donated to the Soap Box Derby Association, which promptly created an Exhibition class, although, since the cars were such an aero disaster, they had to be pushed downhill, instead of being allowed to coast. It was also somehow appropriate that these cars went to the Soapbox Derby sanctioning body, as the COSHAT was the result of someone else s insistent soapbox ranting about parity in the sport , I think it was someone with the last name of France By the 4th race, there are now 43 full-time NASCAR teams .again. Roush Racing has the dominant barstools, with Roush s three teams being 1-2-3 in points. Everything is going great for the first time in a long time the barstools don t chew up that much money, and the sport is popular. However, NASCAR being NASCAR, they couldn t leave it alone, could they? They had a formula that worked but of course, the racing wasn t close enough for their tastes. So behind closed doors, history forgotten and doomed to repeat itself, with all news of their work being classified, they labored to create .The Barstool of Tomorrow. The 2015 season ends with NASCAR being wildly popular, with sponsors, NASCAR, and team owners running in the black again. However .there are storm clouds on the horizon as NASCAR unveils their new safer Barstool of Tomorrow to the press at the last race of the season, North Wilkesboro Speedway, which was recycled into use again since the Barstools don t require massive SAFER barriers.

Needless to say, everyone gathered is absolutely shocked cameras drop and hit the floor, men and women both can be heard fainting .as the new Spec Barstool from NASCAR is revealed .and it looks just like the COSHAT it replaced . The End.