http://www.mothernature.com/Library/Bookshelf/
Books/62/74.cfm
Physical and Emotional Abuse
You Don't Have to
Take It Anymore
It looked like a scene from a soap opera. The young
woman wearing cut-offs and a white T-shirt was
screaming as her ex-husband dragged her from the
convenience store sidewalk toward his car.
"Please!" the woman begged as her former spouse
opened the car door and shoved her into the driver's
seat. "Somebody help!"
An older woman who'd been about to walk into the
store hesitated, then took a few steps toward the curb.
When the young woman frantically jerked away from
her ex and slid toward the passenger's door, the older
woman took two swift steps toward the car and
wrenched open the door.
The ex-husband grabbed his former wife's shirt and
held on. But the two women were stronger. The shirt
ripped and the older woman slammed the door on the
ex's hand. The two women ran into the convenience
store, past a half-dozen startled customers and into the
employees' bathroom.
There they stayed, protected by a dead-bolted steel
door, until the police arrived four minutes later.
The young woman was lucky. Most abuse takes place
in the privacy of the home, where there is little help
for the victim. But the problem has reached such
epidemic proportions that today it spills out onto
public streets and malls.
One-fifth to one-third of all American women will be
physically assaulted by a current or former partner
within their lifetime, reports the American Medical
Association. Two million women will be assaulted
each year, and nearly half of them will be beaten three
or more times within a 12-month period. Thirty-three
to 46 percent will be sexually assaulted as well.
These numbers are just the tip of the iceberg. Most
violence against women is not reported, and little is
done to uncover it. Women are afraid of retribution,
and the doctors and police officers who come to their
aid simply do not ask what caused their injuries,
experts say. As a result, the abuse continues. Studies
indicate that abused women represent one-quarter to
one-third of all women requiring emergency room
treatment and 50 percent of all women who are slain
in the United States.
Who's at Risk?
Every woman is at risk of being abused sometime
during her life. But women who were abused as
children and women who witnessed their mothers
being abused have the highest risk, experts agree.
Children who are spanked, beaten and belittled "learn
abuse is acceptable, that abuse is part of love and that
a woman who stays in an abusive relationship is
powerless to stop it," explains Leah J. Dickstein,
M.D., professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences
at the University of Louisville School of Medicine in
Kentucky. And kids who grow up watching their
moms being hit grow up with a distorted perception of
gender roles and how family members relate to one
another.
Girls absorb the message that you just grin and bear it
when you're hit, while boys absorb the message that
hitting by men may be appropriate behavior to show
love and power in relationships.
Other than those who grew up in an abusive home,
women who are most likely to be abused are single,
separated or divorced and between the ages of 17 and
28. They are more likely to be abused if their partner
is jealous or possessive and if either they or their
partner uses drugs or alcohol.
What Is Abuse?
Although most of us picture broken bones, black eyes
and bruises when we think of abused women, abuse
can be sexual or emotional as well.
Sexual abuse is intercourse without a woman's
consent, penetration with objects, forcing a woman to
have sex with other people or forcing a woman to
watch pornography, says Charlotte Watson, a
nationally known expert on abuse and executive
director of My Sisters' Place, a battered women's
program in Westchester County, New York.
Refusing to use or refusing to allow a woman to use
prophylactics to protect herself against sexually
transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancy is also
sexual abuse, as is sexual activity that occurs when a
woman is not fully conscious.
Emotional abuse is more complex, adds Watson. Men
who are extremely jealous or possessive or who insist
on controlling household finances are emotionally
abusive. Those who humiliate their partner through
insults, criticism, constant interruptions, lying and
refusing to listen are emotionally abusive. Depriving a
woman of access to her children or to sleep, clothing,
food or transportation is also emotional abuse, and
men who play mind games or set up situations in
which a woman tends to doubt her own perceptions
are abusers.
The result? While physical and sexual abuse can land
a woman in the hospital, the constant terror and self-
doubt women experience from emotional abuse may
result in serious health problems such as eating
disorders, depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress
disorder, insomnia and stress-related rashes, muscle
spasms and digestive problems.
It can also cause feelings of worthlessness, shame and
self-loathing, which in turn may lead to suicide or
drug and alcohol abuse as a desperate attempt to
alleviate emotional pain.
Unfortunately, an abusive partner may encourage a
woman to use drugs and alcohol as a way to keep her
"calm."
Why Do Men Beat Women?
"Men don't learn to communicate vulnerable feelings
verbally when they're little boys," says Dr. Dickstein.
Instead some boys learn that aggression--hitting,
cursing, shoving and pushing--often helps them get
what they want. They learn that in the short term,
bullying, threatening and hurting are the fastest and
safest routes to immediate gratification and feeling
powerful.
Beating a woman and putting her down indicates a
pathological need to dominate and coercively control
another individual, says Evan Stark, Ph.D., co-founder
of the Domestic Violence Training Project in New
Haven, Connecticut, and associate professor of public
administration and social work at Rutgers University
in Newark, New Jersey.
What's more, when men are abusive, friends and
family often excuse his actions by sympathetically
clucking, "He was under stress," or "She should have
known not to make him angry," says Watson.
Watson believes that violence against women will
never be quelled until this type of subtly destructive
behavior carries the same social stigma that has
gradually come to be associated with drunk driving:
Only jerks do it.
How do you change an attitude? Whenever it's
expressed, in word or deed, you challenge it, says
Watson. "When the life of the party comes over and
the brunt of all his jokes is his wife, you have to say
'You can't do that here.' "
Why Do Women Stay?
Historically, men were allowed to beat their wives as
long as they used a stick no wider than their thumb,
says Watson. It wasn't until about 20 years ago that
abused women in the United States had the option of
pressing charges against their batterers in criminal
court. Clergy, courts and even the women's families
believed domestic violence to be a private matter
between husband and wife. Women who complained
about being treated badly would be told by their
families, "You made your bed, now lie in it."
"Women tend to minimize the violence they endure,"
says Julie Blackman, Ph.D., a social psychologist and
forensic consultant in Montclair, New Jersey. A
woman may have many reasons to remain with a man
who humiliates or degrades her, Watson says. She may
believe she loves him, or she may need his paycheck
to support her and their children.
Will Your Mate Become Abusive?
Men who batter often share similar backgrounds and
attitudes about male entitlement and power, no matter
what economic class or ethnic group they come from.
Unfortunately, their battering tendencies may not
show up until they begin living with a woman, says Ty
Schroyer, men's program coordinator at the Duluth
Domestic Abuse Intervention Project in Minnesota.
Still, there are several red-light behaviors that should
alert any woman to the possibility that a guy has the
potential for abuse. Here's what experts say they are.
Masterminding dates from start to finish. What may
seem to be a romantic eagerness to impress you may
actually indicate that a man is excessively controlling,
says abuse expert Charlotte Watson, executive director
of My Sisters' Place, a battered women's program in
Westchester County, New York. When you're going
out on a date, "you have to set up a test," says Watson.
"Tell him, 'I don't want to see that movie. How about
if we see another movie instead?' " Then "pay
attention to how he reacts," says Watson. "If he has a
temper tantrum or has to have his way when you
express a different preference or point of view," think
again about continuing the relationship.
Harming pets. Anyone who beats and otherwise
harshly punishes his pets is someone to stay away
from, says Watson.
Poor impulse control. Punching walls or blowing his
top when faced with long lines, traffic or a lack of
parking may indicate a man cannot handle the
inevitable frustrations and compromise required in an
intimate relationship, warns Angela Browne, Ph.D., a
psychiatrist at the University of Massachusetts
Medical Center in Boston.
Substance abuse. Men who abuse drugs and alcohol
have a higher-than-average risk of violence, reports
the American Medical Association.
Other warning signs. If a man has a police record for
violent crimes or sexual assaults, has a poor self-
image or a father who abused his wife, or he pressures
you for sex or shows a general dislike, fear or
disrespect for women, he is a potential abuser.
Fear of repercussions is also a factor. "The system has
been so nonresponsive, women historically have seen
no value in reporting their abuse. Or they think 'If I
tell, it could get worse,' " Watson says.
What Can Women Do?
The only thing a woman can do in any abusive
situation is leave, experts agree.
"Studies have shown mediation is a waste of time,"
says Dr. Dickstein. "It doesn't work." An abused
woman may be afraid to discuss the problem with her
partner because he might later become violent. And
counseling with an assailant is potentially dangerous.
But leaving may also be dangerous. "There is a 75
percent increase in the likelihood of being murdered
while a woman is in the process of leaving or has left,"
says Dr. Dickstein. That's why it must be planned with
the utmost care. A woman who is parting from a man
who uses drugs or alcohol, threatens to kill her or
commit suicide, has or threatens to use weapons or
flatly refuses to let her go should take special
precautions to ensure her safety, suggest Ann Jones
and Susan Schechter in When Love Goes Wrong.
Here are some steps you can take to safely free
yourself.
Set up a signal. Tell a sympathetic neighbor that
you'll send a particular signal--a curtain that's
normally open suddenly being shut, for example--to
call police if you're in danger, experts suggest.
Hold a fire drill. If you have children, give them a
"fire drill" that will show them what to do if your
batterer turns on you and explodes. The kids should be
taught how to quickly get out of the house through a
variety of exits and told to which neighbors or
relatives they should run.
"People say doing this scares kids," says Watson. "But
the kids are already scared. They feel more secure
having a plan of action and knowing what to do."
Heed your instincts. If you're feeling afraid and
becoming isolated from friends and family, and you
feel like you're walking on eggshells when he's
around, it's probably time to get out, says Dr. Stark.
Don't wait until the police have to take you to the
emergency room, he advises. Women who have not
yet been repeatedly abused are in better physical and
emotional shape to help themselves.
Assemble a safety kit. It's also useful to
surreptitiously put together a "safety kit" for a fast
getaway. The kit should include school records for the
kids, Social Security cards, copies of birth certificates,
prescription medications, any money you're able to set
aside and an address book with all your important
phone numbers and contacts. Store it in a place you
can get to once you leave the house. Some experts
recommend keeping money and a spare set of house
keys hidden somewhere in the car. But do this only if
your abuser doesn't make a habit of sifting through
things to check up on you.
Find an advocate. Before you leave, ask the local
police department where you can find an advocate,
which is the term used by social service workers to
describe counselors who specialize in helping battered
women. Advocates can help you find money, housing,
emotional support and transitional shelters, says
Angela Browne, Ph.D., a psychiatrist at the University
of Massachusetts Medical Center in Boston. They also
know their way around the judicial system, so they can
help you gain custody of your children and preserve
your rights toward any property you may own with
your partner.
Find a refuge. The addresses of women's shelters are
not revealed to the public, so you should ask your
advocate or police department for the location of one
in your community. Be aware that you may encounter
many frustrations--every bureaucracy has red tape,
and abuse is so epidemic that sometimes shelters are
full.
Document your abuse. Assemble a record of
evidence regarding your abuse. Have a friend or
preferably a doctor or hospital worker take pictures of
any new bruises, black eyes and other injuries and
write the date right on the photo. Even if you don't
want to press charges against your batterer at the time,
the evidence may come in handy at a later date.
Have your batterer arrested. You are the best judge
of whether involving the police is likely to quell your
partner's violence or escalate it. But research shows
that arrest works best for men who have "something to
lose," like a job or reputation.
"Sometimes arrest can be a miracle cure, particularly
if the court and the district attorney give the same
message," says Dr. Stark.
It gives the woman some space to make a decision
about what to do next, and it gives batterers a
message, that their behavior is illegal and intolerable.
If you have your batterer arrested, ask to speak to a
police officer or supervisor who will help you find an
advocate.
One caveat: If a woman is really in danger, she should
be in a secret, safe shelter with her children before
pressing charges.
Join a support group. Participating in a support
group--usually offered free or on a sliding fee scale
through local shelters--to talk about abuse issues is
one of the best possible therapies. Talking to other
women breaks down the isolation abused women feel,
reassures women that they are not crazy and helps
women learn from other women in various stages of
recovery from violence, Watson says.
Don't go back. Most women leave several times
before making a final break, says Watson. The first
few times they may go back for emotional reasons
such as wanting to "save" the family or because they
hope their partner will change. The next few times
they may not want to go back but fear that they can't
escape without being found or that they may not be
able to support themselves and their kids.
But no woman should return to an abusive mate once
she's gotten away, experts agree. Instead, you have to
recognize that in most cases, abuse follows a distinct
cycle. In phase one, the male partner starts threatening
the woman and pushing or shoving her around. She
responds by trying to please him and keep him calm. It
doesn't work. In phase two, the man begins to abuse
the woman physically and/or sexually. Her life is in
danger. In phase three, the abuser apologizes and
tearfully promises to mend his ways. And he does--
just long enough to get the woman home again.
You may doubt or regret leaving your partner, Watson
says. But any woman who is battered must reconcile
herself to the reality that it is very unlikely that a man
who abuses women will change.
Leave guilt to the guy who abused you. Everyone
talks about what a wonderful, nurturing resource a
family can be, but few dwell on how destructive it is
when one member is abusive.
Don't feel guilty for "breaking up the family" if you
leave an abuser, doctors say. The abuser broke it up
long before you ever made a move, so let him bear the
burden of guilt, not you.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Physical_abuse
Physical abuse is abuse involving contact intended to
cause pain, injury, or other physical suffering or harm.
Basic forms include:
• striking
• punching
• pushing, pulling
• slapping
• striking with an object
• pinching
• kicking
• having someone fall
• kneeing
• strangling
• drowning
• sleep deprivation
• exposure to cold, freezing
• exposure to heat or radiation, burning
• exposure to electric shock
• placing in "stress positions" (tied or
otherwise forced)
• cutting or otherwise exposing somebody to
something sharp
• exposure to a dangerous animal
• throwing or shooting a projectile
• exposure to a toxic substance
• infecting with a disease
• withholding food or medication
• spanking is subject to controversy as to
whether it qualifies as physical abuse.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Verbal_abuse
Verbal abuse is a form of abusive behavior involving
the use of language. Verbal abuse is different from
profanity in that it can occur without profanity, and
profanity can be used in a non-abusive way. In some
countries, charges can be laid for verbal abuse under
certain circumstances. Verbal abuse leaves no outer
mark and no proof. With couples (orientation of the
two is irrelevant) usually during intense verbal abuse,
the target of the abuse usually suffers by having lower
self-worth, low self-esteem, and value themselves less
and less. Because of this, victims may fall into
depression and become introverted. Verbal abuse,
although not physically harmful and having no visible
signs, is damaging nonetheless. Verbal abuse is
arguably the most common type of abuse, and yet at
the same time not looked at or taken nearly as
seriously as the many other forms of abuse. In reality
however, moderate to severe cases of verbal abuse in
which the victim is under constant attack, especially a
child, may be even more detrimental to a person or
child's health than physical abuse or other forms of
abuse. Verbal abuse starting from a young age may
contribute to inferiority complex, machismo attitudes,
and many other negative behaviors that plague so
many people into adulthood. People that feel they are
being attacked by a verbal abuser on a regular basis
should seek professional counsel and remove
themselves from the negative environment if at all
possible. Staying around verbal abusers is in fact
extremely bad for a persons overall wellbeing and all
steps to change the situation should be pursued.
http://www.cyberparent.com/abuse/women-
physical-abuse.htm
Physical Abuse of Women by Men.
Women and Abuse:
Verbal abuse escalates and often turns into physical
abuse. And everyone knows physical abuse escalates.
Physical abuse of women in domestic violence is well-
documented. Health care and law enforcement
professionals are trained to look for abuse of women.
In addition, shelters, counseling, and other help is
readily available for the asking.
Verbal abuse escalates and turns into
physical abuse over time. Everyone knows physical
abuse escalates.
Yet married and single women are battered,
injured, and even killed by their mates and boyfriends
each year.
Why?
Low self-esteem, denial, a feeling that "things will get
better," fear for her children, etc. are the reasons
women stay in abusive relationships.
Mark Sandel, Co-Director of the batterer-intervention
program at The Family Place in Dallas, Texas, US, had
this to say about male abusers, "About the only
common thread we've found is they are charming. I
can see how their wives would fall in love with them."
Even pregnant women are abused. In April of 1997
experts with the American College of Obstetricians
and Gynecologists told doctors that up to one-quarter
of pregnant women are physically abused. They also
said the abuse harms not only the women but often the
babies as well.
http://www.cyberparent.com/abuse/femalemental.h
tm
Females and Abuse: Mental/Verbal/Emotional.
Pat McChristie
Many verbal abusers are delightful, charming men in
public. They treat their spouse or girlfriend with such
respect that people often think they "are the perfect
couple." They save their abuse and cruelty for a
private audience of one.
Remember, verbal abuse escalates. Verbal abuse can
and sometimes does, turn physical.
Many men are obviously verbally cruel and abusive.
Others are more subtle.
Although verbal abuse does not leave black eyes or
visible bruises, it is often more seriously damaging to
your self-image. Verbal abuse is cruel and scars your
soul.
Many women never discuss verbal abuse. Indeed,
some do not even recognize that they are being
verbally abused.
Often a verbal abuser is quite sensitive to outsiders
finding out about the abuse and is very careful to save
these scenes for the home environment only. Many
verbal abusers are delightful, charming men in public.
They treat their spouse or girlfriend with such respect
that people often think they "are the perfect couple."
They save their cruelty for a private audience of one.
Why do intelligent, warm women permit verbal abuse
from boyfriends and later from spouses?
During the courtship period, everyone is on their best
behavior. The verbal abuse is slight and probably few
and far between. Since women want to believe the best
of their lovers, they overlook obvious verbal abuse.
Chemistry adds to the capability women have to
overlook the first subtle signs of abuse.
Then they marry or move in together. And the abuse
starts...
Verbal Abuse Destroys Confidence.
One of the most devastating effects of living with a
verbal abuser is the change in self-esteem. As women
begin to internalize the criticism and believe it's valid,
self-image sinks lower and lower. They start feeling
worthless, incompetent, unlovable. After all, when
someone who knows them so well thinks they are so
worthless and unlovable, then "it must be true."
Sticks and stones ... and that saying of old keeps many
women in place until verbal abuse has destroyed self-
esteem, making leaving even harder. They even start
thinking that if this man loves them, they should hold
on to him.
The fact that verbal abusers are quite often charming
people adds to the confusion. The abuser can turn on
the charm with the woman he is abusing, making her
doubt her instincts.
If the woman does challenge the abuser, he might turn
on the charm and even make her doubt her instincts.
This lowers her self-confidence even further.
Other abusers have stock answers when challenged.
He might answer with:
"What's wrong with you, making such a big deal out
of nothing.
"Come on, honey, I was drunk .....
"Honey, I love you but sometimes you..."
"I had a bad day at work ..."
"You're not really going to bring this up again, are
you? This is getting old."
"I was upset with my ex,"
"You know I didn't mean anything I said. I'm the one
who loves you more than anyone else in the world
loves you--remember."
If you are in a verbally abusive relationship, start by
acknowledging the abuse. This is not an easy thing to
do, especially as your self-esteem is weakened.
Outside help may be necessary because family,
friends, and relatives are often under the spell of your
"charmer" and don't offer belief or support. They think
you are crazy not to marry this man.
Make plans to create a better environment for
yourself. Don't stay too long, though, because every
time your self-esteem sinks further, you lessen your
chances of actually leaving.
Remember, verbal abuse escalates. Verbal abuse can
and sometimes does, turn physical.
http://www.leaderu.com/orgs/probe/docs/verbalabu
se.html
Verbal Abuse
Kerby Anderson
Introduction
Almost everyone has heard of, or knows of, someone
who has been verbally abused. Perhaps you are
involved in a verbally abusive relationship. It is also
possible that no one even knows your circumstances.
Verbal abuse is a kind of battering which doesn't leave
evidence comparable to the bruises of physical
battering. You (or your friend) may be suffering in
silence and isolation.
In this article, I want to tackle this very important
issue in an effort to understand this phenomenon and
provide answers. Like any area of human action, it
begins in the mind and heart. Proverbs 23:7 says, "For
as he thinks within himself, so he is." What a person
thinks in his mind and heart will be reflected in his
words and actions. Verbal abuse and physical abuse
result from a world view that is clearly not biblical.
Verbal abuse is often more difficult to see since there
are rarely any visible scars unless physical abuse has
taken place. But it is often less visible simply because
the abuse may always take place in private. The victim
of verbal abuse lives in a gradually more confusing
realm. In public, the victim is with one person. While
in private, the abuser may become a completely
different person.
Frequently, the perpetrator of verbal abuse is male and
the victim is female, but not always. There are many
examples of women who are quite verbally abusive.
But for the sake of simplicity of pronouns in this
program, I will identify the abuser as male and the
victim as female.
One of the first books to describe verbal abuse in
adults was Patricia Evan's book The Verbally Abusive
Relationship.{1} She interviewed forty verbally
abused women who ranged in age from 21 to 66. Most
of the women had left a verbally abusive relationship.
We will use some of the characteristics and categories
of verbal abuse these women describe in this book.
Another important book in understanding verbal abuse
is one that describes the phenomenon of
"crazymaking." George Bach and Ronald Deutsch
wrote Stop! You're Driving Me Crazy.{2} They
describe what the crazymaking experience feels like.
This includes "feeling temporarily thrown off
balance," "feeling lost and not knowing where to
turn," and "being caught off guard."
A victim is often the target of angry outbursts,
sarcasm, or cool indifference. The abuser's reaction to
these actions is frequently cloaked in a "What's wrong
with you?" attitude. She is accused of "making a
mountain out of a molehill." Over time she loses her
balance and equilibrium and begins to wonder if she is
the one who is crazy.
The key to healing is to recognize verbal abuse for
what it is and to begin to take deliberate steps to stop it
and bring healing. Since the abuser is usually in
denial, the responsibility for recognizing verbal abuse
often rests with the partner.
Characteristics of Verbal Abuse
Now I would like to focus on some of the
characteristics of verbal abuse as outlined in The
Verbally Abusive Relationship.{3}
1. Verbal abuse is hurtful and usually attacks the
nature and abilities of the partner. Over time, the
partner may begin to believe that there is something
wrong with her or her abilities. She may come to feel
that she is the problem, rather than her partner.
2. Verbal abuse may be overt (through angry outbursts
and name- calling) or covert (involving very subtle
comments, even something that approaches
brainwashing). Overt verbal abuse is usually blaming
and accusatory, and consequently confusing to the
partner. Covert verbal abuse, which is hidden
aggression, is even more confusing to the partner. Its
aim is to control her without her knowing.
3. Verbal abuse is manipulative and controlling. Even
disparaging comments may be voiced in an extremely
sincere and concerned way. But the goal is to control
and manipulate.
4. Verbal abuse is insidious. The partner's self-esteem
gradually diminishes, usually without her realizing it.
She may consciously or unconsciously try to change
her behavior so as not to upset the abuser.
5. Verbal abuse is unpredictable. In fact,
unpredictability is one of the most significant
characteristics of verbal abuse. The partner is stunned,
shocked, and thrown off balance by her mate's
sarcasm, angry jab, put-down, or hurtful comment.
6. Verbal abuse is not a side issue. It is the issue in the
relationship. When a couple is having an argument
about a real issue, the issue can be resolved. In a
verbally abusive relationship, there is no specific
conflict. The issue is the abuse, and this issue is not
resolved. There is no closure.
7. Verbal abuse expresses a double message. There is
incongruence between the way the abuser speaks and
his real feelings. For example, he may sound very
sincere and honest while he is telling his partner what
is wrong with her.
8. Verbal abuse usually escalates, increasing in
intensity, frequency, and variety. The verbal abuse
may begin with put-downs disguised as jokes. Later
other forms might surface. Sometimes the verbal
abuse may escalate into physical abuse, starting with
"accidental" shoves, pushes, and bumps.
These are a few characteristics of verbal abuse. Next
we will look at some of the categories of verbal
abuse.{4}
Categories of Verbal Abuse
The first category of verbal abuse is withholding. A
marriage requires intimacy, and intimacy requires
empathy. If one partner withholds information and
feelings, then the marriage bond weakens. The abuser
who refuses to listen to his partner denies her
experience and leaves her isolated.
The second is countering. This is the dominant
response of the verbal abuser who sees his partner as
an adversary. He is constantly countering and
correcting everything she says and does. Internally he
may even be thinking, "How dare she have a different
view!"
Countering is very destructive to a relationship
because it prevents the partner from knowing what her
mate thinks about anything. Sometimes the verbal
abuser will cut off discussion in mid-sentence before
she can finish her thought. In many ways, he cannot
even allow her to have her own thoughts.
A third category of verbal abuse is discounting. This is
like taking a one hundred-dollar item and reducing its
price to one cent. Discounting denies the reality and
experience of the partner and is extremely destructive.
It can be a most insidious form of verbal abuse
because it denies and distorts the partner's actual
perception of the abuse.
Sometimes verbal abuse is disguised as jokes.
Although his comments may masquerade as humor,
they cut the partner to the quick. The verbal jabs may
be delivered crassly or with great skill, but they all
have the same effect of diminishing the partner and
throwing her off balance.
A fifth form of verbal abuse is blocking and diverting.
The verbal abuser refuses to communicate, establishes
what can be discussed, or withholds information. He
can prevent any possibility of resolving conflicts by
blocking and diverting.
Accusing and blaming is another form. A verbal
abuser will accuse his partner of some wrongdoing or
some breach of the basic agreement of the
relationship. This has the effect of diverting the
conversation and putting the other partner on the
defensive.
Another form of verbal abuse is judging and
criticizing. The verbal abuser may judge his partner
and then express his judgment in a critical way. If she
objects, he may tell her that he is just pointing
something out to be helpful, but in reality he is
expressing his lack of acceptance of her.
These are just a few of the categories of verbal abuse.
Next we will look at a number of other forms of verbal
abuse.
Other Forms of Verbal Abuse
denial can be very insidious because it denies the
reality of the partner. In fact, a verbal abuser could
read over this list of categories and insist that he is not
abusive.
That is why it is so important for the partner to
recognize these characteristics and categories since the
abuser is usually in denial. Thus, the responsibility for
recognizing verbal abuse and doing something about it
often rests with the partner.
We have described various characteristics of verbal
abuse and have even discussed the various categories
of verbal abuse. Finally, I would like to provide a
biblical perspective.

Trivializing can also be a form of verbal abuse. It is an

attempt to take something that is said or done and
make it insignificant. When this is done in a frank and
sincere manner, it can be difficult to detect. Often the
partner becomes confused and believes she hasn't
effectively explained to her mate how important
certain things are to her.

Undermining is also verbal abuse. The abuser not only

withholds emotional support, but also erodes
confidence and determination. The abuser often will
squelch an idea or suggestion just by a single
comment.

Threatening is a classic form of verbal abuse. He

manipulates his partner by bringing up her biggest
fears. This may include threatening to leave or
threatening to get a divorce. In some cases, the threat
may be to escalate the abuse.

Name-calling can also be verbal abuse. Continually

calling someone "stupid" because she isn't as
intelligent as you or calling her a "klutz" because she
is not as coordinated can have a devastating effect on
the partner's self esteem.

Verbal abuse may also involve forgetting. This may

involve both overt and covert manipulation. Everyone
forgets things from time to time, but the verbal abuser
consistently does so. After the partner collects herself,
subsequent to being yelled at, she may confront her
mate only to find that he has "forgotten" about the
incident. Some abusers consistently forget about the
promises they have made which are most important to
their partners.

Ordering is another classic form of verbal abuse. It

denies the equality and autonomy of the partner. When
an abuser gives orders instead of asking, he treats her
like a slave or subordinate.

Denial is the last category of verbal abuse. Although

all forms of verbal abuse have serious consequences,