“For Better or For Worse”

Loving Her – 3 steps to a great marriage!

021708 AM

I would like to take you back to the beginning again this morning as we set the stage for
the topic today. So, turn in your Bibles to Genesis chapter 2:21-25.
“And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one
of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; And the rib, which the LORD God had
taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is
now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was
taken out of Man.
Therefore, shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and
they shall be one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not
ashamed.”
In my mind, the heart of this story is the oneness of the union between the first couple. We
can only imagine the implications of what it meant for them to be together, as one flesh,
totally naked, and totally unashamed.

We can only imagine the intimacy they must have enjoyed – the joy – the excitement of
having no sin, and consequently, no shame, inhibitions, boundaries, secrets, or emotional
hiding places.
Adam and Eve were, in that moment, perfectly harmonious.
But they sinned; and the result was the penalty of separation, not only from God, but also
from each other. They lost harmony. And it has eluded us ever since.
Oh, but not for lack of a search party! No, because every time a man and woman and
exchange their vows, they are searching for that harmony again.
In marriage, a couple seeks harmony, unity, and emotional connectedness. They look for a
deep bond that they feel must exist, but they cannot seem to grasp. They hope, somehow,
that marriage will provide the music that they can sing together in perfect harmony.
But more often, marriage is played out as a discordant note - brassy, shallow, twangy, and
dissonant.
Instead of harmony, we find conflict, friction, and dissention. Instead of connectedness, we
experience detachment and emotional isolation. Instead of growing closer to the one we
love, we tend to drift apart.
In short, we find that the music of a good marriage requires a great deal of work. Sadly,
when finding this, some simply give up, quit, or just get along as it is; and the union is
never quite what it could be, or what God wants it to be.
But, as I often remind those I counsel, there is hope because Romans 15:13 tells us that
God is the “God of Hope” who seeks to give us all joy and peace, so that we may abound
with hope, as we trust Christ and let Him work in our lives through the presence of the
Holy Spirit.
God has hope for your marriage… do you? Things may seem tough, even almost hopeless
for some of you, but God is the God of Hope, and He can do anything. Our place is to trust
Him to do it.
So today, I want to take the next step in this For Better or For Worse series by dealing with
the issue of a husband’s responsibility to his wife.
The Title of today’s message is ‘Loving Her – 3 steps to a great marriage!

So, please open your Bibles to Ephesians chapter 5:25-31. Let us read…
First, notice God’s Instruction - “Husbands, love your wives…”
Then, His Illustration - “…even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
Next, His Intention - “That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by
the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle,
or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
When I hear God commanding me to love my wife as Christ loved, I am intimidated. How
can I possibly love as He did?
Here is the Answer…
“So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth
himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as
the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
How do we love our wives? We love them by treating them as we want to be treated. We
care, provide for, nurture, and seek to please her. And we do it with purpose.
What is that purpose? Is it because God commanded it?
Rest assured that God would not be pleased with such a motive. Yes, we are commanded
to love, but the command must not be the motive, or marriage becomes forced servitude.

There is a higher motive, and it is love. It is that which we have been searching for since
the beginning, that harmony I spoke of earlier. Notice that Paul shows us that reminder…
“For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife,
and they two shall be one flesh.
There it is! There is the real motive… to find that oneness – that unity – that connectedness
that only love can provide in the union of marriage. It is what God planned from the very
beginning, and it is what every man should go after with all his might!
But again, the question arises… How? Yes, we men are a practical bunch, and we need to
know how? No, we cannot read minds, or understand the nuances of a woman’s moods.
We have no intuition of sixth sense (and if we did, it would only apply to which team is
likely to win the big game!)
So, as much as we hate to admit it, we need instructions. We need a step-by-step guide to
help us build a good marriage, just like we do to build a nice home, or an engine, or a
model.
And thank God, we have one! We have an Instruction Book on marriage that beats them
all. It is a Divine guide to loving our wives as Christ loved the Church.
Today we’re going to look at those instructions in a precise, practical way in which I’m
going to give you two steps to a great marriage.
So let’s begin with the first step towards a great marriage…
Step#1 – Set Your Wife in First Place
Turn with me to 1Peter 3:7 – “Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to
knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs
together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
I’ve heard this verse taught and preached before. In fact, more than once. And the focus is
usually on the nature of a woman – she is the weaker vessel. Boy, we like to hear that,
right guys? It makes us feel manly – all strong, and protective. We enjoy the feelings that
thought invokes.
But I don’t think that’s what God intends. The focus of thought here is not the nature of the
woman, but the actions of the husband towards her. It’s not about her weakness, but about
what you are to do to strengthen her and honor her. It’s about putting your wife first.
How do you put your wife first place?
Be Attentive Towards Her - Notice the verse says to, live with her “according to
knowledge”. The English Standard Version translates it to live “…with your wives in an
understanding way,” The CEV says, “If you are a husband, you should be thoughtful of
your wife.”
How do you show thoughtfulness? Here are a couple of things…
Take notice of her - Pay attention to her efforts to please you. Many women make a lot of
effort to please their husbands, only for him to overlook it or ignore the effort involved.
Praise her for the clean house. She’s worked hard, let her know you appreciate it by saying
so, and by making the effort to pick up after yourself and help out. Note her perfume, her
hair, and the way she dresses, and tell her how good she looks.
Help her - No matter if she is a homemaker or works a job like you, your home is a joint-
venture – a partnership. If you want harmony, help out around the house. Keep the honey
do list short.
Do these things, and your thoughtfulness will shine through!
Be Enamored By Her – Peter says we are to give, “…honour unto the wife,” The Greek
word for ‘honor’ is ‘time’ (tee-may) and it carries the idea of …value. By analogy, it
means to ‘esteem (especially of the highest degree), or the dignity itself:--honour,
precious…”
When a guy dates a girl, he will do just about anything for her. He will talk with her for
hours on end over the phone. He’ll be interested in her family. He’ll spend his money.
He’ll think about her. He’ll think she’s the best thing on planet earth.
Then he marries her, and after five or ten years, the shine has worn from the marriage. The
newness is gone. And sometimes the value that he should have for her is lost. And when
this happens, he no longer loves her, as he should.
She no longer makes his heart beat faster. She no longer invokes in him as sense of
chivalry and pride. He no longer sees her as his greatest earthly treasure.
Simply put, he takes her for granted. But God’s Word cries, “Foul!”

God calls to the man to see his wife afresh and anew. She is the greatest treasure this earth
affords a man. She is your closest ally, your confidant, your life partner, your helper, your
co-laborer, your homemaker, your children’s mother.

She is greater than all the riches this world affords! Do you see her that way? Or, have you
lost this perspective?
Proverbs 19:14 says, “House and riches are the inheritance of fathers: (but) a prudent wife
is from the LORD.” And Proverbs 31:10 asks, “Who can find a virtuous woman? for her
price is far above rubies.
I have a feeling that men who take their wives for granted drifted into that place. It didn’t
just happen. Over time, he let his guard down and stopped putting her first. How does he
restore the value of his wife? There are two primary things.
First, spend time with her – The drift can occur through simply living day-to-day and not
making time alone doing enjoyable things for and with her. Soon, it was the routine – go
to work, come home, have dinner, watch TV, go to bed.
It may be that she’s still your living partner, but not the person you’re enamored with.
You’ve lost that wonder – that funny feeling inside – that value. And it’s not her fault – it’s
yours.
You need to initiate conversation. You need to take her places. You need to spend time with
her doing the things she likes to do. She is your best friend and you need to guard that, lest
some other interest impress you more and takes your attention from the most important
relationship God has given you.
Communicate with her – When you do make time with her, be sure to talk with her. Take
interest in conversation. Be a good listener and open up and share your own thoughts.
Just doing these two things will give you a fresh appreciation of your wife. Your view of
her will be elevated. Her uniqueness will shine. He value will increase!

Step #2 – Satisfy Your Wife’s Passions

These days, a lot of attention is given to women’s emotional needs. So much, in fact, that
one might get the impression that women have no other needs. But this is not true. Women
need to be loved by their husband emotionally and physically. They need the emotional
and sexual fulfillment as God provided in the marriage covenant.
True, a woman’s needs differ from a man’s. He is satisfied emotionally through physical
intimacy, while she is satisfied by physically intimacy only when she is first satisfied by
emotionally intimacy.
But for both, emotional and physical satisfaction blend into one beautiful union in the
marriage bed.
How important is this? Look with me to 1Corinthians chapter 7. Let’s read verses 1-5,
with a focus on verse 3… Notice… “Let the husband render unto the wife due
benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.”
Now, listen to the same passage from the New Living Translation:
“Now regarding the questions you asked in your letter. Yes, it is good to live a celibate
life. But because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own
wife, and each woman should have her own husband.
The husband should not deprive his wife of sexual intimacy, which is her right as a
married woman, nor should the wife deprive her husband. The wife gives authority over
her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.
So do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from
sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer.
Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you
because of your lack of self-control.” (NLT)
In verse 3, Paul uses the word, “benevolence’, which comes from a Greek word meaning
‘conjugal duty’. In the immediate context, he is talking about the sexual union in
marriage.
Verses 3-4 indicate mutual sexual fulfillment is an obligation as well as a pleasure. The
husband and the wife are both obligated to provide each other with physical intimacy.
You’ve probably heard cliché’s and stories of women using sexual deprivation as a
weapon, but the reverse of that role is equally possible and equally devastating.
In their book The Gift of Sex: A Guide to Sexual Fulfillment, Clifford and Joyce Penner
quote one woman’s cry for affection. She writes… "My husband and I have been married
for fifteen years. We have two children under the age of ten. There's been very little
intimacy in our marriage, either emotional or physical. I've been the initiator and my
husband the avoider. We've gone to a Christian marriage counselor, and my husband is
now going for therapy. But I have lost absolutely all my feeling for him. As a Christian,
where do I go from here?"
She is not alone. Many women suffer from deprivation of intimacy. But Paul looks to the
husband and says, in effect, “You man, are responsible before God to give your wife the
sexual affection and attention that is due to her.”
Eugene Peterson paraphrases 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 in The Message as follows: “The
marriage bed must be a place of mutuality, the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife
seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to stand up for your rights.
Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out."
In this command, God proves that the husband is not the only one needing sexual intimacy.
A wife needs it too. Both husband and wife are bound by the marriage union to provide for
each other the physical and emotional intimacy that he created sex to provide.
Husband and wife must surrender their ‘rights’ to one another. She gives herself and he
gives himself. It is a mutual surrender and service.
Now, we also need to notice what happens when one spouse denies the other the intimacy
he or she is due. Look at verse 5 again. The Scripture says that neither is to defraud the
other.
That is an interesting word – ‘defraud’. The original language literally means ‘to deprive
or to keep back by fraud.’ It carries the idea of taking something that doesn’t belong to
you.
It was the same word that Jesus used in Mark 10:19 when a young ruler approached him
asking how he might find eternal life.
Notice what happened in Mark 10:17-19 – “And when he was gone forth into the way,
there came one running, and kneeled to him, and asked him, Good Master, what shall I do
that I may inherit eternal life? And Jesus said unto him, Why callest thou me good? there is
none good but one, that is, God. Thou knowest the commandments, Do not commit
adultery, Do not kill, Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Defraud not, Honour thy
father and mother.”
Jesus used the same term “defraud not” It is the exact thing that Leviticus 19:13 clearly
states, “Thou shalt not defraud thy neighbor.”
To defraud someone is to withhold or take something that is rightfully his or hers. In
marriage, sexual intimacy belongs to the wife as well as the husband. If a man will not
meet his wife’s physical needs, he is guilty of fraud and theft.
In an article entitled Sexual Intimacy in Marriage, Doug Goins writes, “Verse 3 speaks of
the reality of mutual indebtedness to fulfill a duty. Literally it says in the Greek, "Give
back that which is owed." Paul is saying that sexual intimacy is a mysterious obligation
that each partner is called to fulfill for the other. It's a debt of love in God's economy of
marriage.
Husbands and wives have equal responsibility before the Lord to fulfill the sexual needs
and desires of their spouse. There is complete mutuality within the marriage in the matter
of sexual rights. God gave the gift of sex in marriage for the pleasure and fulfillment of
each partner equally.
Paul doesn't say to me as a husband that I have a right to demand that my wife pay a sexual
debt to me, either by giving me what I want sexually or by allowing me to withhold sex
from her. It's just the opposite--I owe her a debt of love. I'm to serve her sexually with a
loving commitment to meet her needs, on her terms, in her timing. I'm to give up my
sexual rights to the Lord in order to meet the needs of my wife.
Goins concludes with this warning: “If we reverse that equation, it will threaten marital
fulfillment… Consistent sexual selfishness will destroy intimacy between a husband and a
wife. But the good news is that sexual intimacy in marriage can be strengthened if we
independently commit ourselves to meeting the needs of our spouse.
A husband loves his wife by meeting her need for emotional intimacy. As he does, she and
responds by meeting his emotional needs through physical intimacy. It is as God made it.
The husband loves his wife and gives Himself for her.
He approaches the marriage (and marriage bed) as a giver, not a taker. He seeks to satisfy
his wife’s needs, not his own cravings.
Hence, communication about emotional and physical needs is essential. He needs to know
what she needs to be fulfilled. She needs to tell him those things that make her heart beat
faster and draw him closer to her. And when she does, he will be eager to meet those
needs.
Goins writes, “We're designed by God to be an instrument of communication verbally,
nonverbally, emotionally, physically, and sexually. The physical expression of sex as
communication is enjoyed in the larger context of verbal communication.
The greatest sexual fulfillment comes gradually over the long haul in a marriage, as a
couple learns to talk about anything, any time; when there's heart-to-heart communication,
not just talking at each other, but listening actively and sensitively, caring deeply about the
communication.
As we consider the Word of God in this passage, there are three immediate practical
implications:
1. Sex should never be used as a bribe or reward for good behavior, or as something to be
withheld as a threat or punishment.
2. Husbands and wives alike need to be sensitive to their partner's emotional and physical
conditions.
3. They must not expect sex on demand, and on the other hand, they shouldn't consistently
try to get out of satisfying the other's needs” (ibid)

CONCLUSION
In his book, Every Woman’s Desire, Stephen Arterburn identifies 10 things that, in his
words, render men “eminently unqualified to love like Christ”…
1. Men are rebellious by nature.
Conclusion? By nature we quickly tire of submitting to the needs of our mates. We’d
rather have things our own interesting way.
2. The male ego is bigger but more fragile than the female ego –
Conclusion? This easily prevents oneness and intimacy.

3. Men are relatively less sensitive to the needs of others –

Conclusion? We are not born with the sensitivity necessary for mutual submission.
4. Men are less able to express emotions and feelings verbally than women are.
5. The male brain is more oriented to facts and logic than emotions and intuitions.
Conclusion? Our maleness can blind us to the finer aspects of our wives’ essence, so
we trample them regularly.
6. Men are sexually stimulated visually –
 Conclusion? The lust of our eyes naturally hardens our hearts to our wives’ sexual
essence.
7. Before marriage, men take the responsibility for nurturing the love relationship.
Conclusion? After marriage, he sees the bride as someone to look after him.
8. Men need less romance than women do.
Conclusion? Left to our natural devices, she will be left living on the fumes of
romantic days gone by.
9. The man’s shield from inferiority is his work
Conclusion? The wife’s shield from inferiority is generally her husband, so she
naturally places a higher value on the marital relationship than her husband does.
Oneness is not on his radar screen.
10. Men desire peace from marriage, while women desire oneness.
Conclusion? Men can easily be satisfied with a “business partner relationship in
marriage as long as there is peace and enough sex.
Arterburn’s Final Conclusion
Those ten male traits did not form the most encouraging list, did they? By nature, men are
insensitive, poorly focused, and have little interest in male submission. No wonder oneness
in marriage is so rare. In the face (of all of this) we need to soften our hearts (and) submit
our rights for the sake of oneness.
Pastor Aaron’s final conclusion… I see a bit of myself in all of this; and this series is
challenging me to make some necessary changes. But change does not come easy, nor is it
one-sided. In order for a husband to change, he needs the understanding and support of his
wife. And she has a stake in helping, for he is trying to change so that he can love his wife
as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her.
Let us pray that we can work together with our spouses to make a better marriage.
Husbands… love your wives. Set them in first place and Satisfy their passions.