Life Coach Handbook

A Hand book for Holistic Harmony Life Coaches
Part 1
Robert Elias Najemy
Life Coach Handbook
www.HolisticHarmony.com
A Hand book for Holistic Harmony Life Coaches
Robert Najemy
Dedication I dedicate this book to all of you who have taught me by sharing with me your inner world. Thank you for your teaching.
Copyright: Robert Najemy Griva 23 Halandri 15233 Athens, Greece E-mail - ren@holisticharmony.com
Copyright Robert Elias Najemy http://www.HolisticHarmony.com
Life Coach Handbook
HANDBOOK FOR HOLISTIC HARMONY LIFE COACHES

TABLE OF CONTENTS
CHAPTER TABLE OF CONTENTS TABLE OF FIGURES PROLOGUE CHAPTER 1 CHAPTER 2 CHAPTER 3 CHAPTER 4 CHAPTER 5 CHAPTER 6 CHAPTER 7 CHAPTER 8 CHAPTER 9 CHAPTER 10 CHAPTER 11 CHAPTER 12 CHAPTER 13 CHAPTER 14 3 4 6 CORE PHILOSOPHY PREREQUISITES FOR WORKING WITH OTHERS THE SEARCH FOR HAPPINESS THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE MIND OUR EMOTIONAL HARMONY ACTIVE LISTENING GOALS AND RESISTANCE STAGE I - REBUILDING THE ENERGY STAGE II - POSITIVE PROGRAMMING WRITTEN AFFIRMATIONS GOING DEEPER - STARTING ANALYSIS RELEASING EMOTIONS - in part 3 HANDLING EMOTIONS IN THE PRESENT LEARNING TO LOVE OURSELVES 7 9 11 12 15 19 35 40 42 46 50 52 60 62 TITLE PAGE
The rest of the chapters will be found in parts 2, 3 & 4 of this handbook
CHAPTER 15 CHAPTER 16 CHAPTER 17 CHAPTER 18 CHAPTER 19 CHAPTER 20 CHAPTER 21 CHAPTER 22 CHAPTER 23 CHAPTER 24 CHAPTER 25 CHAPTER 26 CHAPTER 27 TECHNIQUES FOR TRANSFORMING THE SUBCONSCIOUS HEALING THE INNER CHILD FORGIVENESS AND FREEDOM GETTING TO KNOW THE EMOTIONS - in stage one FEARING OR SUFFERING THE PAIN OF LOVED ONES RECONCILING PERSONAS OR SUBPERSONALITIES RESPONSIBILITY FOR OTHERS THE FLOW OF TRANSFORMATION LIFES LESSONS RELATIONSHIP WORK LOVING OTHERS FINDING OUR LIFE PURPOSE MENTAL EXERCISES FOR SELF THERAPY AND SELF TRANSFORMATION LIST OF EMOTIONS LIST OF BELIEFS LIST OF CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCES PROCEDURE FOR GETTING FREE FROM CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCES LIST OF SITUATIONS & POSSIBLE LESSONS TO BE LEARNED 72 78 85 91 100 107 115 123 124 132 140 144 147 158 159 165 167 169
APPENDIX A APPENDIX B APPENDIX C APPENDIX D APPENDIX E
Life Coach Handbook
TABLE OF FIGURES
By figures we mean, diagrams, questionnaire and lists of various types. Number 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32. 33. 34. 35. 36. Name Chapter 3 4 5 5 6 6 6 6 6 7 7 7 9 9 9 9 10 10 11 12 12 12 12 13 14 14 14 14 14 14 14 14 14 15 16 16
Concept of Evolution and Self Actualization Levels of the Mind Mechanisms of Beliefs Questionnaire for Analyzing Emotions Steps of Active Listening How We Create Our Reality - A How We Create Our Reality - B How We Create Our Reality - C Basic Outline for Active Listening Resistance to Development Why it may not pay to get Well Discovering our Resistance to change List of Situation List of attachments Preparation for Positive Projection Guidelines for Positive Thought Projection Written Affirmations - Acceptance Written Affirmations - Security The Mind Field Sorting Feelings Telling the Truth About Feelings Analyzing the Shadow and the Mask Releasing Emotions Coping with Emotions in the Present Obstacles to Loving Ourselves Analysis & Active Listening Concerning Our Obstacles towards Loving Self Analysis & Active Listening Concerning Situations of Conflict with Conscience When I do not Feel Worthy When I feel Guilt, Shame or Self Rejection How We measure Our Self Worth Declaring Our Freedom from False Thoughtforms Reasons why I love and Accept Myself Truths which will Free us from Self Rejection Levels of Transformation Preparation for Transformation of Past Daily Communication with Inner Child
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37. 38. 39. 40. 41. 42. 43. 44. 45. 46. 47. 48. 49. 50. 51. 52. 53. 54. 55. 56. 57. 58. 59. 60. 61. 62. 63. 64. 65. 66. 67. 68. 69. 70. 71. 72. 73. 74. 75. 76. 77. 78. 79.
List of Childhood Experiences 16 A Questionnaire on Our Beliefs 16 Analysis of Unpleasant Childhood Experiences 16 Questions which Aid in Expression 16 Outline for Releasing Childhood Regression 16 Beliefs which were created by Childhood Experiences 16 Outline for transformation of Childhood Regressions 16 List of Possible Messages for Inner Child 16 Discovering and Uncovering Fear 18 Methods for Overcoming Fear 18 Letter to fear 18 General Approach for all Emotions 18 What Steps I can take? 19 Mechanisms of Emotional Survival` 20 List of Main Personas 20 Analyzing Our Conflicting Personas 20 Beliefs which cause Codependency 21 Looking at our Keys 21 Communicating Concerning Returning Keys 21 Communicating Concerning Talking Keys Back 21 The Psychodrama of the Keys 21 Outline of Regression to Previous Life 22 Basic Beliefs of the Philosophy of the Lesson of Life 24 Questionnaire for Discovering Our lessons in what bothers us in others Behavior24 Questionnaire for Discovering lessons mirrored in our bodies. 24 Mirroring Possibilities in Situation X 24 Positive Affirmations 24 List of Needs 25 Improving Our Relationships 25 Improving Our close relationships 25 Conclusions and Transformation 25 Questionnaire for Analyzing emotions created in relationship situations 25 Active Listening towards a Person with whom we have Difficulty Communicating 25 Questionnaire for Couples from the Love Game 25 Levels of Love 26 Obstacles to Loving others 26 Analysis and Active Listening Concerning our Obstacles to Loving Others 26 The Love Focus 26 List of reasons why I Love and Accept ..... 26 Questions for Connecting with my Inner Voice 27 Obstacles towards the fulfillment of the purpose of life 27 The Flow of Transformation 29 Relationship with God 29
Life Coach Handbook
PROLOGUE
May this find you all well and happy.
various forms of energy psychology such as EFT, TAT and TFT. A few of the psychological systems which have influenced me more than others are the teachings of Abraham Maslow, Carl Rogers, Rollo May, Ken Keyes, Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks, the teachings of Seth through Jane Roberts, the Course in Miracles, Yoga psychology and now to a great degree the discoveries of Dr. Roger Callahan and various forms of Energy Psychology.
I am not a trained psychologist, psychotherapist or psychiatrist. I am a chemical engineer who has intensely studied the mechanisms of the human mind in individual and group settings for the last thirty five years. During these years I have had the opportunity to employ the techniques described in his course on myself and others. I have also had the experience of training others to use these same techniques on themselves and for helping About half of what will be presented in this book, others in groups and in individual sessions. however, was discovered and created while I was working with individuals and groups. They are natural These course materials are inspirations which came in response to the need to help written for two purposes. myself and others move out of negative thought patterns and realize our innate spiritual self. The first is to aid the reader on his path to self knowledge and self actualization. I would suggest that the trainee first read each section as if he were the subject of analysis. And then those The second is to help those readers who are interested, interested in helping others can read each section a master the art of supporting others in this same process. second time, now as the facilitator of that same analysis or technique for others. Writing this has not been easy, because I have three reading publics in mind as I was writing, and my mind It has also been very difficult to decide on the order in occasionally focused on the one or the other. For this which to present these techniques. I have presented reason the pronouns, move from "you", to "he/ she", to them in one possible order in which they might be used. "we" frequently. However, there are also many other possible orders. The three reading publics are: 1. The life coaches I am presently training. 2. Other life coaches, psychologists and psychotherapists, doctors, sociologists, health professionals in general, and any one conducting seminars or working with people on a psychological or spiritual level, even priests. 3. Any persons who are interested in freeing themselves from their mental mechanisms. Mistakes and Corrections As these writings have been created for a small audience of souls dedicated to self-improvement and helping others, I have chosen to give time to other more pending matters rather than to perfecting the text itself. There may be mistakes which I believe will not in any way diminish from the clarity and effectiveness of the text. If there are in fact mistakes which cause confusion or are annoying, I will be grateful if you would bring them to my attention so that I can correct them.
The Importance of Employing these on Yourself First As all of those listed in the first two categories are individuals still in the process of self-knowledge and selfThese techniques need to be practiced many times on improvement, they to also belong to the third category. ourselves and then on persons without serious problems (such as other trainees), before we begin to try to help Also, because all of those mentioned in groups one and those with intensively negative thought patterns. two in some way facilitate understanding, or health for others, I have grouped them all under the heading " The philosophy and psychology of some of these facilitator," which could mean a life coach, psychologist, techniques have been explained in other books by the sociologist, doctor. priest or anyone supporting others on same author and you are encouraged to supplement your a personal or group basis. understanding by reading them. All books mentioned in the texts are by the same author unless indicated Methods and Sources otherwise. My search has brought me into contact with a wide My Wishes variety of sources including child psychology, yoga, meditation, humanistic psychology, body centered I wish all of you success in your inner search and also psychology, meditation, creative arts as therapy, in your effort to support others in this process. philosophy, a variety of spiritual teachings and now
Life Coach Handbook
CHAPTER 1
CORE PHILOSOPHY
We will begin with a very brief explanation of the core philosophy behind this system of psychological work. One does not have to accept all these concepts in order to use the following techniques. Understanding these concepts will help one understand the reasoning behind each exercise. They are effective, however, even for those who do not believe them. 1. Personal reality is created by ones beliefs, thoughtforms, emotions, fears and expectations. Thus, as these evolve, ones (perceived) reality improves, while living in the same environment. 2. Fear and guilt force the individual to seek means of establishing some type of illusory security or self worth by controlling the external environment trying to own or control persons, money, possessions, and professional or social status. 3. This leads to attachment and aversion which then lead to greater fear, distrust, competition, hurt, disillusionment, jealousy, bitterness, anger, hate, guilt and in general all negative emotions. events which he expects. He then reaffirms his original beliefs as he attracts that which he believes and then interprets whatever happens to affirm what he already believes. He is then caught up in a vicious circle of beliefs - expectations - events and distorted perceptions. For example, one who has experienced rejection, abandonment or lack of love as a child, will make the subconscious assumption that this is the way life is, and will expect this for the rest of his life (unless he works on freeing himself from these beliefs). Thus, he will, with his attitude and expectations, attract rejection from people who have no desire to reject him, or who at least have both possibilities in them, to accept and reject, but respond to his subconscious messages to reject him. He then interprets these and other actions (which may not contain rejection) as rejection, and creates his own subjective reality which confirms his original assumptions and expectations. This then causes his reactions towards life which simply bring again in return that which he expects.
Thus: 1. Previous experiences create beliefs 2. Beliefs create our present experiences. 3. Beliefs create our interpretation of what is happening, 4. We can free our selves from this entrapment by and thus create our emotions. changing our belief system. 4. Our emotions create our reactions. 5. Our reactions return to us intensifying our original OUR CONCEPT OF HOW OUR PERSONAL beliefs. EMOTIONAL REALITY IS CREATED Our work is to break into this vicious circle in which we It will be useful to very briefly explain the psychology are trapped in various ways: beyond this approach. More information can be found the books The Psychology of Happiness and The 1. By discovering the beliefs which are creating our Miracles of Love and Wisdom. problems and change them. A child is born. He brings with him certain characteristics and attitudes which cause him to interpret and react to the various events around him in unique ways. Even in the case of identical twins, we can see different reactions to the same stimuli. We will not discuss here the origin of this character at birth. As time passes, he receives various messages from his environment through words, behavior towards himself, behaviors between others as well as personal and social events. He interprets these events and messages and creates a conscious and subconscious belief system. This belief system is like an iceberg, with only about one eighth showing or conscious. This belief system now becomes the looking glass through which he perceives the world. It is as if he is wearing colored glasses and everything is colored by his original beliefs (childhood conclusions), which distort events so that they fit what he already believes. This belief system also subconsciously communicates with others and life in general attracting to him the 2. By remembering the childhood experiences which have caused the beliefs and transform them. 3. By releasing emotions. Catharsis, Body centered Psychology, EMDR, Energy Psychology etc. 4. By coming into contact with the form (in the subconscious) of the resulting emotions and transforming them. 5. By sharing with others how we feel and what we believe. 6. By developing a new belief system. 7. Through the general attunement of the body and mind as mentioned below. 8. Through techniques which bring us into deeper awareness of the peace and harmony which are latent
Life Coach Handbook
opposite is even more true, that his relationship with others will simply mirror his relationship with himself. 9. Through positive affirmations which create new This is an aspect of our lives which we must address ourselves to when trying to create health and harmony. positive beliefs. Each of us needs to discover the fears and beliefs which 10. Through changing our way of life in various ways so prevent his feeling comfortable with others, and overcome that it is more in tune with our highest goals and what is them. important to us. 8. SPIRITUAL ORIENTATION - Everyone has their own relationship with the universe. Some believe in God. HOW TO CREATE PHYSICAL, EMOTIONAL, MENTAL & SPIRITUAL HEALTH & HARMONY Many belong to a religion which has specific concepts of what God is. It is not important that a person belong to It will be useful for the reader to understand the larger some particular religion, but it is important for his inner context in which these techniques are used. Following is balance that he feel some relationship with the whole, as a very brief description of the larger plan of techniques humanity, as nature or as God. Let each discover his own used in this system, which we call the Psychology of connection with the whole. Freedom. 9. SELF KNOWLEDGE means to understand the These will be briefly listed here as they can be found in various aspects of our being, physically, emotionally, considerable detail in the book Self Healing, as well as mentally, socially and spiritually. A person who does not in a number of other books on the subject of healing understand his own inner mechanisms, his own needs, desires, fears, expectations, beliefs and subconscious ourselves. They will also be discussed in chapter 8. workings, cannot free himself from the negative emotions mechanisms or habits which undermine his health. He 1. PROPER DIET also cannot create a life which is most suitable to his unique self, as he does not understand his own self. 2. DAILY PHYSICAL EXERCISE within us. 3. BREATHING TECHNIQUES 4. DAILY DEEP RELAXATION 5. CREATIVE SELF EXPRESSION 6. MEANINGFUL ACTIVITY Except for numbers 9 & 10 we will not be discussing 7. SOCIAL HARMONIZATION - No one is by these factors but will take it for granted that those himself. An individuals harmony is deeply affected by his interested will investigate them through other books. relationships with those around him. Of course, the 10. ENLIGHTENING THE SUBCONSCIOUS - This is an aspect of self therapy which usually requires a psychologist or other experienced professional who can help us discover the contents of the subconscious and free it from unwanted negative assumptions and mechanisms, especially fears and guilt complexes.
Life Coach Handbook
CHAPTER 2
PREREQUISITES FOR WORKING WITH OTHERS

Those of us who are considering using these techniques to help others should have in mind the following prerequisites to such a role. 1. That we love the other and sincerely desire to help him. The subject will feel if we really care or not. 2. That we are accepting of whatever we hear and have an open mind. We must be able to hear that the other has murdered someone without judging him. The degree to which the other can open himself is dependent on how accepting he perceives us. 3. We must see what others call evil as weakness and ignorance rather than as evil. There can be no evil in Gods creation. There can be ignorance which then leads to a wide variety of ego-centered and often destructive behaviors. 4. We must study and understand the functionings of the mind by observing others and ourselves and by studying what already has been discovered by the sciences of psychology, sociology, philosophy and religion. 5. We need to cultivate trust in the Divine Self which is at the center of our being, including ourselves and also the subject we are working with. The being we are trying to help is an immortal divine creation which has simply temporarily lost contact with his/her inner guidance. Our work is to reconnect him/her with that guidance, not make him/her dependent on us. 6. Pray for guidance in every word and action, so that our every move shall be for the others benefit and not for our affirmation or security. There is only one healer - God, and we are his tools. 7. Be open to the unique ways in which each individual grows and heals himself. Do not be so caught up in systems or labels or specific procedures or in what you know, so that you cannot respond to this unique individual in his/her own specific way. 8. Employ only the techniques which you yourself have experienced a number of times. Only then can you really understand this technique and know when to use it and how to handle any crises which may be provoked by it. 9. Practice what you teach. Although this role does not allow us to teach, we occasionally do so through our behavior or attitudes or by making suggestions or expressing perceptions or life philosophies. We ourselves should live these ideals which we are expressing. 10. Be simple, honest, humble and admit when you do not know the answer, or feel confused or cannot help. 11. Be ready to give time and energy even without payment when necessary. Supporting another human being who is in need is not a product to be sold. 12. Learn to be sensitive as to when to push the subject towards discovering or breaking through and when to give him space to prepare himself, or live in his illusory security. This sensitivity must also be learned in relationship to our own personal process. 13. Keep up your own evolutionary process, including analysis, release, exercises, breathing, relaxations, positive projection, meditation, prayer etc. 14. Become very proficient in active listening, as this is the backbone of this whole system. 15. Know all the techniques well, or do not use them. 16. Refer the subject to others when you cannot help, either because you do not have enough time to help properly, or you cannot be objective with this person, or when the problem is beyond your ability to help. 17. Never interfere in the persons private life, suggesting that he should get divorced or leave his family or get an abortion. Just support him in choosing from his own options, without projecting your own needs or feelings. 18. Keep total secrecy concerning whatever others share with you.
How many other prerequisites can you think of?
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CHAPTER 3
THE SEARCH FOR HAPPINESS

We all seek happiness. We also seek peace, harmony and health. In our search for this happiness we attempt to create the world which we have been programmed to believe as children that we need to have in order to be happy. As we are seldom able to perfectly create this ideal world which would supposedly supply us with unlimited happiness, we are seldom satisfied with our lives. This search for happiness is based on the hope of our finding in our external world stable and preferably unchanging sources of security, pleasure, affirmation and unconditional love. We seek especially to satisfy those needs which have been left unfulfilled in our past. Each of us develops his own specific life strategies with which he or she hopes to fill his or her emptiness. In this way we hope to ensure a plentiful, and, if possible, an exclusive supply of the energy, attention, pleasure, love as well as a wide variety of physical objects and experiences which we hope will make us happy. In our attempt to obtain these "sources" of happiness, we often begin to perceive others as competitors who want to take what we need or what belongs to us. This creates feelings of alienation which lead us to develop various "defense mechanisms", through which we believe we are protecting ourselves from the "dangers" around us. These very "life strategies" and "defense mechanisms" which at one point in our evolutionary process were essential for our feelings of security, self worth and our emotional balance, often subsequently become the very sources of our insecurity, anxiety, and psychic pain. Thus the same mental mechanisms which were once the hope of our happiness, often eventually become the very source of our unhappiness, illness and disharmony. THE MIND IS NOT FREE TO BE HAPPY While the mind appears on the surface to be an organ through which we perceive our reality it is also the source through which our reality is created. The mind is not free to be happy. It has been mechanically programmed to react in very specific ways and to perceive a very limited reality which does not allow it to be free to experience peace, happiness or love except in very few situations. It is condemned by its very own programming to lose its peace, happiness and love when confronted by situations, behaviors or events which it interprets as threatening to the fulfillment of its basic needs. Its logic, in such moments, is powerless against the force of these deeply ingrained reflex emotional mechanisms. The very mental mechanisms which once were developed in order to ensure the fulfillment of our basic needs now function as the main obstacles to happiness. Being attached to certain external conditions for ones happiness is the surest way to lose that happiness, when those factors are threatened in any way, in the past, present or future. Until we are free from the control of obsolete mental programming and thought forms, we will be susceptible to our inner negativity which will create an unpleasant atmosphere for ourselves and those around us. There are various ways in which we can perceive this process of letting go of our personal fears and connecting with the divine. As we have already explained three contemporary psychological models for this process in the book The Psychology of Happiness by the same author, we are simply presenting here a diagram indicating the essence of these three theories here in the chart labeled CONCEPTS OF EVOLUTION AND SELFACTUALIZATION. METHODS In this book we shall address ourselves to methods of freeing the mind from old "thought forms", and also from now useless or detrimental mechanisms which obstruct our peace, happiness, and further emotional maturity and spiritual evolution. We shall present to you a variety of techniques and concepts which have been conceived through diversity of sources, systems and disciplines. All of the techniques and concepts presented have been employed by the author on himself and thousands of others through seminars and personal appointments. As each individual is unique and thus his path to recovery, or to happiness, freedom or enlightenment is also unique, it is impossible to present here a specific path to follow in helping ones self or another. The methods will be presented in an order starting from the more physically oriented, towards the analytical, then on to the subconscious and concluding with the spiritual. This would be the safest and most steady way to proceed, just as it is obvious that we need to construct a building from the ground up. However, there are persons who may start at other points along this path, and then move backwards or forwards in a random way as they respond to their particular needs at each point of their journey. Thus, we need to be open to the individual flow of each human mind, including our own. Working with the human mind is similar to playing music spontaneously. On the one hand, we must know the notes well and their relationship with each and the laws of harmony. On the other hand, we must be able to respond simultaneously and freely to the notes which exist around us or in this case in the person with whom we are working. Not knowing all the methods and their power and effects on the mind, would lead to disaster. Not being able to flow with the others or our own needs would lead to discord. Thus a basic prerequisite for using such techniques for helping others is having passed through each of them.
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CONCEPTS OF EVOLUTION AND SELF ACTUALIZATION.

ABRAHAM MASLOW
SELF ACTUAL-I ZATION ESTEEM
QUALITIES OF SELF ACTUALISED PERSONS
1. Superior perception of reality (less distortion through fears and complexes). 2. Increased acceptance of self, of others and of nature 3. Increased spontaneity. BELONGING 4. Increase in problem-centering (ability to go the the center of a problem). SAFETY 5. Increased detachment and desire for privacy. 6. Increased autonomy and resistance to enculturation. SURVIVAL 7. Greater freshness of appreciation and richness of emotional creation. 8. Higher frequency of peak experiences. 9. Increased identification with the human species. Consequently, less identification with the personal ego. 10. Changed (the clinician would say, improved) interpersonal relations. 11. More democratic character structure. 12. Greatly increased creativeness. 13. Certain changes in the value system. ROBERT DEROPP THE MASTER GAME GAME AIM ____________________________ Master Game Awakening Religion Game Salvation Science Game Knowledge Art Game Beauty __________________________________ Householder Game Raise family __________________________________ No Game No aim __________________________________ Hog in Trough Wealth Cock on Dunghill Fame Moloch Game Glory or victory __________________________________ KEN KEYES THE SEVEN CENTERS OF CONSCIOUSNESS BLISS - UNITY WITH ALL WITNESS PLENTY LOVE AFFIRMATION - POWER PLEASURE SECURITY (Fig. 1)
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CHAPTER 4 THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE MIND

In order to help ourselves or another, we must 2. To enjoy the pleasures of the senses. understand the nature of the being with which we are dealing. Human nature is an intricate and complicated 3. To be accepted by others - to be a part of some group. combination of matter, energy, thoughts, emotions, mind and spirit. 4. To be respected and admired - to be someone special If we want to help a human being free himself from his in that group. or her mental dilemma, we will have to take into consideration all factors affecting these varied levels of his 5. To have power (control) over his environment - to be being. No real healing can take place, if this transformation the boss. does not eventually affect all aspects of our multidimensional self. 6. To love and be loved. How we divide the mind and how we label each division is not important. We are describing the same one reality 7. To create, to produce. in different ways. What is important is how it works. Understanding how the mind works is a prerequisite to 8. To grow, learn, and understand; mature on all levels being able to free it from its negative programming. of his being. Man learned to identify his security with his self worth 9. To experience unity with all. and social acceptance, and thus seeks affirmation of his self worth through success in various arenas of "combat", Most of our needs can be listed in one or more of these such as money, power, appearance, professional status, categories. Our happiness and our emotional-mentalsexual prowess, intelligence, morality, spiritual attainment physical harmony depend on how we manage the etc. relationship between our needs and what we have. This management consists of three basic methods. This causes him to become attached to specific persons, objects, situations, positions, and roles in his attempt to One is learning to diminish the strength of our needs so feel that he has secured his needs. He fights to obtain what that they are transformed from attachments to he needs. If he does not achieve what he believes he needs, preferences. When are attached to something, we are he feels that he is a failure, perhaps becoming depressive unhappy when we cannot have it, and we fear losing it if he feels impotent to obtain what he desires. Or he may when we have it. When we prefer something, we are happy become bitter and angry towards those who have when we have it, but can also be happy if we do not, and "obstructed" him from or "cheated" him out of what he are not overcome with anxiety with the fear of losing when needs. He develops positive feelings towards those who we have it. help him obtain what he "needs" and negative feelings towards those who obstruct him. He harbors jealousy The second method is to become more adept at fulfilling towards those who have what he needs. He fears those who needs, so that there is not such a great gap between what might take what he needs from him. we want and what we have. He fears losing what he has. He spends much energy trying to protect what he has. The more he feels he needs, The third method is to attend to the evolution of our the more energy he loses in trying to obtain, sustain and needs. It is natural that in a process of evolution, that our protect what he believes he needs. needs will gradually change if we allow them to. Needs and These attachments become the cause of his conflicts with desires are the natural powers of nature, which move us others. His relationships with family, friends and in various directions. As spiritual evolution is the purpose coworkers are strained because he frequently fears that of all creation, then our needs and desires will lead us in their behavior embodies some type of danger for his that direction, if we allow them to evolve naturally. person, usually that some of his needs will not be fulfilled. A child naturally loses its desire for dolls and toy cars. It MANAGING OUR NEEDS naturally matures out of its need for its mother and father to be with it continually. In the same way, it is only natural These needs are basically: for mother to stop needing to play that role, when her children no longer need a mother. If she continued playing 1. To be safe and secure from physical danger in the the role, not letting go of that need, which has naturally present and in the future. lost its usefulness in her life purpose, it would be painful
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for both her and the child. That same mind will also perceive danger, rejection or abuse in situations where for the objective observer they simply do not exist. The mind attracts what it expects and When these three methods cannot be applied, the mind especially what it fears, while simultaneously distorting resorts to other strategies, in its attempt to manifest what reality by perceiving what it expects and fears, even when it believes it must have in order to feel safe and happy. they do not objectively exist. These other strategies are often comprised of behaviors, "games" or roles which are often limiting to the souls life These subjective experiences serve to strengthen these purpose and in some cases self-defeating and self negative or limiting realities, and the basic conscious and destructive. In some extreme cases, they might be subconscious beliefs and thought forms which created destructive towards the family or society as a whole. It is their reality, now become even more forceful and in such cases that extra help is needed in the form of the compelling and have even greater hold over the mind. methods discussed in this book. Thus, the past experiences program into the mind a limiting belief system, which then creates new experiences Of course, the first category in which our behavior, which verify those beliefs which originally created the games or roles are limiting towards our souls life purpose experiences. Thus the mind is not free to perceive an applies to all of us non-enlightened persons who are still objective reality, but only a subjective reality distorted by growing spiritually. The very concept of growth or its particular past experiences. evolution means that we have not yet completed our self actualization process and that we will likely have some A mind which has experienced failure or rejection or aspects of our being which need to be enlightened. abandonment, will attract these events, will perceive these events more often than they really exist, and will become THE VICIOUS CIRCLE even further entrenched in those beliefs. Our goal shall be to enable the mind to free itself from this vicious circle of The problem, however, becomes more complicated unconscious self-limitation and fear, allowing it to perceive because of the cyclic nature of the mind. It is similar to the a more objective reality. egg and chicken dilemma. The mind having been programmed (influenced) by previous experiences, In this book, we will present a variety of methods for the develops beliefs and expectations concerning the nature body, mind, subconscious, etheric body, energy body and of reality. These beliefs then distort the nature of spiritual self. It would be best that we start with the grosser perception and the mind sees what it expects to see. It also bodies such as the physical and energy bodies and then connects with others and with life itself and attracts what move on towards harmonizing the more subtle bodies such it expects to see. as the various aspects of the mind. OTHER STRATEGIES Thus, a mind which has experienced danger, or rejection or abuse, will attract these events and behaviors from persons who are capable to responding to them in this way. These same persons are also capable of responding in other ways and do so in relationships with others who attract other types of behaviors from them. Each mind connects with other minds according to its own expectations and previous programmings which have now become the subconscious belief system which creates that minds reality. Some individuals, however, will not be interested in working on all levels, and thus will naturally tune in to working on levels which interest them at the moment. They will eventually, most likely, become naturally interested in working on the other aspects of their being. If that interest does not arise naturally, they may occasionally be forced by unpleasant circumstances or events to work on levels of their being which, they otherwise would tend to ignore. Illness or life crises often create such a need.
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CHAPTER 5 OUR EMOTIONAL MECHANISMS

One very basic step towards getting free is understanding the nature of our emotional mechanisms and being able to introduce reasoning and truth where until now there are only illogical reflex reactions. Reflex reactions are automatic responses which do not pass through ones conscious belief system and set of values, but bypass them driven by ingrained emotional mechanisms. These mechanisms were once necessary for our emotional and even physical survival, but now stand as the main obstacles to the happiness they once theoretically protected. Our emotions are a product of our beliefs, emotional mechanisms, energy level, and hormonal balance. Our beliefs, however, are the basic cause of our emotions. Our emotional mechanisms are based on our conscious and subconscious beliefs, and strategies of reaction learned in our childhood years. Our energy level and hormonal balance (or imbalance) simply magnify, diminish or alter our emotional reactions to some extent. because someone criticizes us or speaks about us negatively. 2. We also react emotionally to larger events such as earthquakes, fires, floods, political changes social events etc. We might feel fear, injustice, anger etc. 3. Some of our emotions have no external stimuli in the present, but are caused by our thoughts about the past or the future. We may feel bitter, angry or guilty about the past or anxiety about the future. We might worry about our childrens success or failure. 4. In some cases, we may also be affected by emotions which arise because we observe ourselves having specific other emotions or thoughts. For example we may feel guilt because we notice ourselves feeling jealousy, hate or anger. Or we might feel self-rejection or anger at ourselves because we notice ourselves fearing.
The following chart (fig. 3) will help understand how emotions are created. As we examine this process, bear in BOX NO. 2 OUR BELIEFS & PROGRAMMINGS mind that all we are describing happens mostly at the subconscious level and in many cases, in a fraction of a These various stimuli pass through our belief system or second. programmings, which attempt to identify and evaluate what is happening in terms of our past experiences, and the beliefs which have been created from them. This serves 1. THE to determine whether what is happening, has happened STIMULUS or might happen is "good or bad", "positive or negative", "assuring or threatening". The basic questions which our belief systems ask are:
4. OUR REACTIONS 2. OUR PROGRAMMING
1. Is this intimidating to my security base? 2. Is this lessening my self worth? 3. Am I in danger here of not having something I need?
3. OUR EMOTIONS
4. Is my freedom in danger of being limited here? 5. Am I losing something here which is important to me? 6. Are my basic values being compromised here?
Figure 3 BOX NO. 1 THE STIMULI Our emotions are usually triggered by some stimulus. 1. The most frequent stimuli have to do with events which take place in our immediate surroundings, such as comments, behaviors or actions by family, friends or coworkers. We might feel happy, elated or secure, because someone tells us that he loves and respects us, or admires our talents or abilities. Or we might feel fear, hurt or anger
If the answer is yes to one or more of these questions, then the belief system creates negative feelings such as fear, anxiety, hurt, bitterness, fear, anger or even panic or hysteria or violence towards self or others. These emotions are a part of a mental defense strategy developed over millions of years, meant as force to combat this possibly endangering event. Although the mechanisms ancient purpose is "fight or flight", this seldom happens. This energy is not released but remains as a negative force in the subconscious, etheric, energy, and physical bodies, leading eventually to physical and mental disturbances
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and psychosomatic illnesses. If the stimulus manages to pass through all these belief filters, then we experience positive emotions such as security, peace, love, happiness, elation, gratitude etc. Our perception and subsequently our emotions are totally subjective and dependent on our beliefs, which are a product of our past experiences. We are not free to feel peace, happiness or love in all situations, as our mind and its reflex emotional reactions do not allow us to. The important factor here is that the our emotions are caused by our beliefs and not the stimuli which trigger off those beliefs. The average person blames the people and events around him for his unpleasant emotions, ignoring the fact that he himself is the creator of how he feels. If we want to get free from our unpleasant emotions, we will need to first free ourselves from the beliefs which cause those emotions. In order to do that, we need to be able, through self-observation and self-analysis, to ascertain which belief is creating each emotion.
Our reactions, then become stimuli for others triggering the others emotional mechanisms, and subsequently their reactions towards us. Then their reactions become new stimuli which trigger our emotional reactions, and we are like two or more programmed robots interacting in totally unconscious and mechanical, often disagreeable ways. Our reactions are limited to the ways we have been programmed as children to react in relationship to each stimulus. Our reactions also become stimuli for our own emotional mechanisms. As we observe ourselves reacting, we often judge ourselves and feel disappointment, shame or selfrejection or even fear that we might lose control or be totally rejected by others. In such a case our reactions become stimuli for a secondary emotional mechanism.
For example, if we observe that we are reacting aggressively, or the opposite, that we are not reacting at all, we might reject ourselves, thus adding new emotions to the original ones which created our original reactions. BOX NO. 3 OUR EMOTIONS Such secondary mechanisms are quite frequent at each stage of this process. We have emotions about the We experience a wide variety of emotions from love to fear. emotions we have. We have beliefs and emotions about Love is based on feelings of security and unity, whereas the beliefs which we observe. We have beliefs and fear is based on a sense of danger and separateness. Guilt emotions concerning our reactions. is also a basic emotion often felt in conjunction with fear. The more guilt we feel, the more susceptible we are to fear, The analysis process must also take these secondary as we believe consciously or subconsciously that we are emotional mechanisms into consideration, which become not worthy or Gods love and protection. Even worse, we more apparent when one begins to observe himself with believe that we deserve some type of punishment. If that the goal of self-betterment. We will discuss these punishment does not come, we often feel the need to create secondary emotional mechanisms in a later chapter, when ourselves in the form of self-destructive behavior. we investigate the technique called active listening. We sometimes experience many emotions simultaneously. We may feel fear and anger, guilt and fear, love and disappointment. We may feel fear, rejection, hurt, disillusionment, injustice, guilt and anger all at the same time. In such cases, we will need to discover which beliefs are creating each emotion. These reactions are then reflected in events and behaviors which we encounter. Our distrust attracts a lack of trustfulness. Our over-controlling nature creates irresponsibility. Our incessant chattering creates a deaf ear.
How life reflects our inner world is a matter of extreme In our analysis, we may discover that one belief is creating importance and will be taken up in detail in a later chapter. many emotions, or we may find that each emotion has another belief at its source. If we want to free ourselves HOW WE USUALLY SEEK HAPPINESS from unpleasant emotions, we will need to find the specific belief which creates each disturbing emotion. The average person has been programmed to seek happiness by attempting to control the persons, events BOX NO.4 OUR REACTIONS and situations which surround him. In this way, he hopes to create a perfect environment in which everyone behaves We react to situations and events in various external and the way he wants. He also wants events to occur in such a internal ways. We may withdraw from the stimuli or way so as to repeatedly verify for him his sense of security, become aggressive, pushing others away. We may live in satisfaction and self worth all of which are superficial and denial of what we feel and what is happening. We may quite vulnerable. Most people believe that they will obtain attempt to communicate about the problem, or avoid happiness when they are able to find the perfect communicating at all. We might become sarcastic or relationship, job, home, etc. perhaps plead for help. We might nag or complain continuously. We might act unconcerned or aloof even Very few, if any, persons have found happiness in this way. when we are boiling inside. We may make various inner Most have found happiness by learning to be content with efforts to overcome our feelings, or we might simply what they have at various stages of their life process. This suppress them. does not mean ceasing every effort towards improving the external factors in our lives, but it does mean learning to
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accept those factors as they are, while we simultaneously 4. What emotions do you feel when in contact with that seek to improve them. stimulus? If you have various emotions at different times, think of them all. (Box no. 3) Creating happiness, is not a matter of seeking to control all the stimuli which come our way. We need to modify our 5. What do you believe? belief system so that these stimuli do not trigger off such a. About what is happening? fear and anxiety ridden emotional mechanisms which b. About your own self? destroy our peace of mind, our happiness, our c. About life itself? relationships and our effective mental functioning. Which makes you feel those emotions when in contact Getting free from these emotional mechanisms requires with that stimulus. (Box no. 2) our answering some basic questions. 6. Which do you believe might be the childhood 1. What is it which is actually bothering me, triggering experiences which may have caused you to believe those these emotions? beliefs and have those feelings? 2. What do I feel? What are the emotions which I feel at 7. How do you react when you feel those emotions in this moment? those situations? a. Internally? 3. What do I believe (consciously or subconsciously) b. Externally (what is your behavior like)? (Box no. which is forcing me to feel these emotions? 4) 4. What may have happened in the past which may have 8. How did you react as a child in similar situations, or programmed me to believe these beliefs which are now how did your parents react? causing my pain or unhappiness? 9. Which beliefs would you like to change so as to be able 5. What is my lesson here? What do I need to change or to retain your peace, happiness, love and unity even learn? when confronted with the particular stimulus we are now talking about, which until now created problems for 6. How can I make this change in my mental- you? emotional processes? 10. What new beliefs would help you to confront this These questions are not always easy to answer, and many matter differently? beginners at this process of self-analysis require assistance in this process of self-discovery. The most effective 11. What else do think you could do to help yourself get assistance which we have discovered is active listening free from this? which we will discuss in the next chapter. 12. For those who are familiar with the following. Which We close with a very simplified questionnaire (fig 4.) do you think might be helpful? designed to help answer the above questions. You would a. Exercises, and breathing techniques do well to answer the questions before moving on. b. Changes in dietary habits c. Positive thought projection ______________________________________ d. Keeping a dairy e. Strengthening spiritual or logical beliefs A QUESTIONNAIRE FOR f. Other ANALYZING EMOTIONS _____________________________________ Fig. 4 1. Please make a list of stimuli (situations, events, or behaviors or even your own thoughts) which disturb your sense of inner peace, happiness, harmony or ability to feel love and unity with those around you. 2. Select one of those which would you most like to work on at this point of your life, so as to be able to retain your inner peace, happiness, love and unity even when confronted with that particular stimuli. 3. What exactly happens which triggers this emotional mechanism in you? (What is the stimuli - box no. 1) describe in some detail so that we can understand exactly what it is about that which bothers you.
Life Coach Handbook
MECHANISMS OF BELIEFS
1. WHAT HAPPENED WHICH DIMINISHES MY HAPPINESS, LOVE, FREEDOM, HARMONY?
6. LIFE
6. HOW DOES LIFE MIRROR MY INTERNAL WORLD? 1. STIMULUS EVENT SITUATION
OTHERS THOUGHTS ABOUT PAST OR FUTURE
LIFE'S MIRROR
4. HOW I REACT & BEHAVE?
HOW TO GET FREE
0. WHAT HAVE I EXPERIENCED WHICH CREATES THOSE BELIEFS?

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5. SITUATION
4. REACTION
0. PAST EXPERIENCES
EVENT
ATTITUDE
2. BELIEFS & PROGRAMMING ATTACHMENTS CONSCIOUS & SUBCONSCIOUS 2. WHAT DO I BELIEVE WHICH MAKES ME LOSE MY POSITIVE
ROLES WHICH WE PLAY
LIFE STANCE
CONTENTS OF THE SUBCONSCIOUS
5. WHAT IS MY LESSON HERE?
1. WHAT DO I FEEL? 2. WHAT DO I BELIEVE? 3. WHAT HAS HAPPENED IN THE PAST WHICH MAKES ME BELIEVE AND FEEL THAT? 4. WHAT IS MY LESSON ? 5. WHICH BELIEF DO I NEED TO CHANGE? 6. HOW CAN I MAKE THIS CHANGE?
3. EMOTIONS FEELINGS INNER STATE 3. WHAT DO I FEEL?
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CHAPTER 6 ACTIVE LISTENING

We remind you of what we have initially expressed in the Prologue. This book is written for two purposes. The first is to aid the reader on his path to self knowledge and self actualization. The second is to help those readers, who are interested, master the art of supporting others in this same process. Those of you who read for the first purpose, should read as if you are the subject of analysis. We suggest that those of you who are interested in the second purpose read each section twice; first as the subject of the analysis and secondly as the facilitator of that analysis for others. Active listening is an ancient process of inner searching once used by Socrates in his attempts to awaken the minds of those around him to the truth which lay dormant within them. Socrates used this technique to facilitate our philosophical wakening. In our case we will use it to clarify our psychological processes. When we are working on ourselves, we will use various questionnaires to facilitate our clarification of what exactly we are feeling and thinking, and perhaps what exactly we want and need. We will present throughout this book various questionnaires which we have been designed throughout the years to accomplish this purpose. When seeking to facilitate others you will need to learn this science and art of asking the right questions. It requires a clear, unbiased mind which can working simultaneously with crystal clear logic and free flowing intuition. It is a method which is mastered through practice and experience. The basic prerequisites for its successful application are: need us, or at least that we are useful. c. It has become a habit as we believe that we are responsible for other peoples reality. d. Often the others want us to tell them what to do. 4. We will need to understand the mechanisms of the human mind. We will discuss many of these here, but they are much more clearly understood by observing them at work in ourselves and others. 5. We must also be able to leave the other without answers. Our tendency is to try to solve the others problem rather than help him learn to solve his own. When we give someone a fish, we feed him for one meal. We we teach him to fish for himself, then we feed him for a lifetime. Thus, although it may seem painful and not efficient, even when we feel sure that we have the answer in our mind, it is often best to complete the discussion with a question rather than an answer or a recipe for happiness. This question will then work in the subjects subconscious mind calling forth answers, intuition (tuition from within), inspiration and guidance from within. Those seeking help, having been programmed by society not to believe in them selves, and to seek answers outside of them selves, will pressure you to give them the answers to their problems, to tell them what they should do? This has many drawbacks:
1. To be interested in and care for the other person and 1. The other person gradually becomes dependent on us, truly want to help him or her. losing any sense of self confidence, self acceptance. 2. To be free from prejudices and opinions, and to be able 2. Their dependence on us becomes draining. to hear all possible beliefs, actions or behaviors with an open mind and full acceptance towards the other. We will 3. Their problem is not solved. need to be free from our own fears, blockages and attachments so that we do not identify with various 4. In some cases, because they are usually persons who positions on the subject. Otherwise, we will project our do not want to take responsibility for their reality, they subjective beliefs and attitudes onto the other person and then in the end accuse us of having harmed them with our fail to help effectively - perhaps even cause him harm. advice. 3. We will need to get free from the need to give advice. This is difficult because we ourselves feel the need to give advice for various reasons: FACTORS CONTRIBUTING TO A POSITIVE ATMOSPHERE
Now let us look at the process of active listening. a. We believe that the other is incapable of finding his Although we will give here a basic structure for proceeding, own answers. We see the other as lost, weak and without it must be remembered that this is spontaneous process inner guidance. based on love, interest and childlike wonder concerning what is going on within the other person. b. We need to verify our self worth by giving advice to others, thus showing that we are superior or that that they 1. Sit opposite the person who is speaking, giving him or
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her all of the front of your body, so that all both of your what we are trying to help the other person discover energy fields are in contact. through those questions. This should be done with a sense of play, an adventure into the unique mind of a fellow 2. Look into the other eyes as you talk and as you listen. divine being. Our presumption is that we know nothing, and have no answers, and are searching together for the 3. Give evidence in a natural (not mechanical) way that cause of the unpleasant emotions from which the subject you are listening, and that you understand. That could be may want to get free. by simply shaking head or making movements with the What we do know, however, what we are searching for eyes, or perhaps with some sounds or short words such as in order to help the other free himself/ herself from those yes or I see. These are affirmations that you are emotions and beliefs which causing his/her pain. We are listening and understanding what is being said and should searching for : be genuine and not overdone so that the other does not feels that you showing false interest. 1. Exactly what emotions the other is feeling, which he/she would prefer not to feel? 4. As you listen, feel love energy flowing out from your heart center towards the other person. Recognize his/her 2. How those emotions affect his life, and why he wants inner beauty. Mentally energize and uplift the other to get free from them? continuously with your energy and appreciation of her/his being. 3. What types of external and internal stimuli in past and present trigger of those emotions? 5. Remember that the other has all the answers for his growth process, although those answers may be buried 4. What beliefs or thoughtforms are creating those very deeply within him. Have the patience to respect that emotions? sometimes very slow process of his seeing himself, and do not be in a hurry to force him to see what is going on 5. How the person reacts in those situations? within him. 6. How these emotions and beliefs may be some type of 6. Ask questions which help you clarify for yourself what continuation of the past, especially childhood experiences? is being said. 7. How this person could see these stimuli differently, so 7. Avoid projecting your own problems onto the other as not to be bothered by them? assuming that because his external situation may be similar to one which you have experienced in that past or 8. What else the person needs to learn from this situation present, that the causes within him/her or the solutions or needs to do in order to pass this test and go on in his are the same as the ones you found for yourself. evolution? 8. Although our own self exposure may at times help the Let now go through the accompanying chart with the other to feel freer in sharing parts of himself about which title THE STEPS OF ACTIVE LISTENING. (fig. 5) he might feel shame or guilt, overdoing it or taking more time to talk about ourselves than listening to the other is 1. THE PROBLEM - It is important that the individual not usually helpful or even pleasant for the other. is able to clearly define the problem he wants to solve. Some people, in their confusion, perceive the problem in 9. Now we come to the main surgical tool of active a very cloudy way, often combining many different listening: ask questions which help the other to understand problems together, or confusing their own problems with more deeply what he is feeling, believing, needing and those of others. In such situations, solutions are often what has caused him to feel this way and what his lesson impossible to find, as we have no clear description of the or solution might be. problem. This can be done in a loving way, so that the other becomes so totally relaxed that he/she naturally falls into Questions which aid in defining the problem. an awareness of the answers within. Or this process can be executed like a detective or lawyer grilling his subject, a. Considering all that you have you have told us, would in which case the other of course will either become you like to make the matter more concrete by finishing the confused and not be able to think, or even worse, become phrase, more specifically the problem I want to solve is defensive and refuse to reveal anything at all. ........... Active listening without love and a natural flow of interest and respect towards the other, can seldom be b. What exactly is it that you want here? productive. c. Please describe exactly how you would like your reality THE QUESTIONS to be concerning this subject? Now let us look at the questions which we might ask and d. Is your problem what is happening here or how you
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THE STEPS OF ACTIVE LISTENING

1. THE PROBLEM
2. WHAT EXACTLY IS THE STIMULUS 3. EMOTIONS

EMOTION BECOMES
3. OTHER
4. 2nd STAGE OF EMOTIONS
5. OTHER BELIEFS
5. BELIEFS
BELIEFS ABOUT EMOTIONS
6. 2nd STAGE OF BELIEFS
7. OTHER CORE
8. OTHER EXPERIENCES
7. CORE BELIEFS 8. EXPERIENCES 9. CONCLUSIONS
10. DECISONS- CHANGES - WHY? 11. MY LESSON 12. BELIEFS WHICH I WANT TO CHANGE - WHY? 13. EMPLOYMENT - ACTIONS - TECHNIQUES 14. REVIEW - EVALUATION - NEW ACTIONS
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perceive yourself reacting to it? Are you upset about what is happening or more so about how you are reacting to it, or both? This is to determine whether our problem is the events which are causing the emotions, or perhaps the emotions themselves or the bodily reactions to those emotions. This will be discussed later on.
newspaper in front of him. She tells me lies. He doesnt pay any attention to me. She is always accusing me and correcting me. He still smokes in the house, although, I have told him repeatedly that it bothers me. All of these are events which can be discussed as stimuli. The conclusions however, that the other does not love me or rejects me, are subjective interpretations as to why the other is behaving in this way. These interpretations are 2. WHAT EXACTLY IS THE STIMULUS - Our next not the stimuli, but beliefs which belong to 5th level of the goal is to determine the stimulus. People often are analysis. These are what we believe about the stimulus. confused about what exactly is stimulating their emotions. They are also confused about what their emotions are. Questions which aid in defining the stimulus. We must remember that stimuli can be external or internal i.e. mental. An external stimulus could be 1. What exactly is it which is happening which causes you something someone said or did, or an event such as a loss to feel the way you feel? of money or theft, or death of loved one, or a failure at some endeavor, or some event or result in the lives of our 2. What exactly is it that the other does which makes you loved ones. feel that way? Internal stimuli could be thoughts about events of the past or about possible futures. Thus our thoughts 3. What kind of behavior would you like from the other? themselves can be stimuli, as can our emotions also. For example one can have negative feelings about the tendency 4. How would you like things to happen in this situation? of the mind to fear, or get confused, or be attached to the past. Thus we can have feelings about how our mind 5. What are the others exact words or actions which functions . bother you most? For example we might feel shame about sexual feelings or fantasies. Thus there might be one stimulus ( a person 3. OUR EMOTIONS or image) which creates the sexual feelings, while those feelings then become the stimulus for feelings such as Few of us have a very intimate contact with our feelings. shame, guilt of fear because we have those feelings. We When we ask someone what they are feeling, they often call these second stage emotions which are found on our answer vaguely, bad, unhappy, upset, disturbed, diagram on level 4, because they are based on our negative. We want to get a more specific description of emotions as stimuli. the emotional state with words which describe more Another example is that we feel fear because of some accurately the emotion we have. Only then can we discover external event or some thought about the future, or the beliefs which are causing the emotions and the because we notice some physical symptoms such a a rapid problem. Thus we are looking for more specific or irregular heart beat or difficulty in breathing. Now as descriptions such as anger, hurt, bitter, fear, guilt, shame, our fear or bodily reactions come into our awareness, we love, joy, peace, jealousy, hate etc. feel shame or fear or even anger interpreting this as Secondly, we confuse emotions with beliefs. To the weakness. question, what are you feeling?, some may answer I In such a case, as we want to help this person, we will feel that you do not love me. I feel that you are very need to clarify with our questions whether he wants to stubborn and hard headed. I feel that I am being used. work on his fear of the original stimulus or on his reactions These are not feelings but beliefs. We can replace the word to the emotions created by his original reactions. In most feel in each case with the word believe. For example, cases. we will need to investigate both, but each will need I believe that you do not love me. In this case the feelings to be analyzed separately, as other beliefs are working in might be rejection, hurt, fear, loneliness, injustice. In the each case. Other beliefs cause us to feel fear or jealousy or case of I believe that you are being stubborn and hard anger while other beliefs force us to feel unhappy about headed, the emotions might be frustration, anger, having these emotions. injustice, bitterness, impatience etc. It is also very important to distinguish between the Thus we need to help ourselves and others distinguish stimulus and our interpretation of the stimulus. For between emotions and beliefs. As beliefs are the causes of example the other may tell us that the stimulus is that their the emotions, we need to determine the cause in order to spouse is rejecting them, or that their child does not love be able to transform it so as to become free from its them. But these, in most cases, are interpretations of negative effect on our lives. actions or behaviors and not the behaviors themselves. For One screening technique is to prohibit the use of the example if we ask, what does the other do which makes word that after the word feel when the subject is you feel that they do not love you or reject you?, we might describing his feelings. If he says, I feel that .... , we know get answers such as, they do not agree with me. They that this will be a belief. The word after the the word feel do not participate with me in what I want to do? My must be an emotion. child continues to want to marry that person, who , I find totally unacceptable. When I talk to him, he has his Some questions which may help in determining the
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emotions: Methods for accepting and expressing emotions will be We could slowly read out a list of emotions which might discussed later on. help the individual identify the feelings which are bothering him at the moment. See the list of emotions in 4. SECOND STAGE EMOTIONS - We have already Appendix A. discussed to a certain degree the mechanism of 2nd stage emotions, which we have about the emotions, beliefs or a. Which emotions from the list most accurately describe reactions that we observe in ourselves. These 2nd stage what you feel? emotions such as feeling guilty or angry at ourselves because we got angry and shouted at an another are b. What do you feel when you are confronted with the created by our beliefs about our emotions and our situation or behavior? reactions and what they mean about ourselves. That will be our next stage of discovery. c. What do you feel when you think about the problem? As we examine our emotions, it is natural to also examine our reactions. Our reactions are simply the d. Have you felt this way in other situations? external and internal manifestations of our emotions. Our beliefs create our emotions and our emotions create our e. What else do you feel? reactions. Those reactions then become stimuli for others and also for ourselves. f. Can you remember feeling this way when you were If, however, we try to change our reactions within child? changing our beliefs and emotions, then we will be simply suppressing ourselves and sooner or later what we really g. Of all your emotions, which is the one which you want feel will come to the surface. This why we do not give much to analyze now? attention to simply changing behavior without making accompanying changes in our beliefs and emotions. h. Can you accept having this emotion? Reactions, however can be markers which help us to discover the deeper emotions. When we see that our body i. Can you accept that a part of yourself feels this way? begins shaking, or our heart beating faster or we feel faint, or we start shouting angrily or raising our voices, then it j. Can you love and accept that part of your being which becomes obvious that we are being controlled by certain feels that way? emotions. When we find ourselves closing off to others, avoiding them, or criticizing them, or being sarcastic, our k. Do you have any other emotions, in connection with behaviors show that we are feeling specific emotions. Our this? reactions show the existence of emotions, just as our emotions show the existence of our beliefs. l. How do you feel about yourself when you have these Some questions which can help us find our emotions emotions? through our reactions are: m. In what other situations have you felt similar emotions? n. How long have you felt this way? o. How often do you feel this way? p. Are there, or were there, moments during which despite the fact that you were in a similar situation, you managed to feel and / or react differently? q. Which and when were these moments? (Quest.8) r. What did you say to yourself in these moments which helped you not to feel and/ or react differently? These last three questions are extremely important in determining how to proceed. It is essential that a person first learn to see and accept that part of himself which is programmed to interpret and feel in that particular way. We, in general, cannot change what we cannot first see and accept. What we reject often ingrains itself even more deeply out of resistance. When we reject a part of our being, we give it energy allowing it to grow. In addition there are various methods of exploring our bodys reactions and our behavioral movements in order to come into deeper contact with our emotions. These will be discussed later on in other chapters. Also there are methods of behavioral therapy in which we start by changing the behavior, and that leads us to overcoming the emotional and mental resistance to that. Centers for drug addiction use this technique. This too will be expanded on later. 5. DISCOVERING OUR BELIEFS - Our beliefs create our reality and thus our emotions. Our emotions are the result of what we believe about our selves, others and life itself. Very simply, if we have been programmed to believe that we are worthy, safe and free to be ourselves, then we will find that very few stimuli can trigger negative feelings within us. On the other hand, if we doubt our safety, self worth or freedom to be our selves, then many 1. If you saw someone reacting in that way, what emotions would you say he had? 2. What emotions might your body or subconscious be having in order for your body to react in that way?
HOW WE CREATE OUR REALITY

THE STIMULUS - EVENT OR THOUGHT
Life Coach Handbook
ONE FEARS THAT PERHAPS ONES SPOUSE IS CHEATING ON HIM / BELIEF 2 BELIEF 4 BELIEF 5
BELIEF 1
1. I CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT THE OTHER 2. I AM DEMEANED 3. NO ONE WILL WANT TO BE WITH EMOTION 3
BELIEF 3 1. I WILL LOOSE THE OTHERS' RESPECT 1. I HAVE BEEN ABUSED 2. THE OTHER IS TO BLAME FOR MY PAIN 3. HE IS EVIL AND MUST BE PUNISHED
1. I AM NOT WORTHY, INTERESTING ENOUGH TO KEEP A PARTNER. 2. MEN / WOMEN ARE NOT TO BE TRUSTED EMOTION 4
2. MY SECURITY AND SELFWORTH DEPEND ON MY HAVING HIM
1. WE ARE BOTH ETERNAL SOULS IN EVOLUTION. 2. LIFE GIVES ME EXACTLY WHAT I NEED FOR EVOLUTION. 3. I LOVE HIM & WANT HIM TO BE HAPPY.
23
EMOTION 1
EMOTION 2
EMOTION 5
1. FEAR, INSEURITY, PANIC
1.INFERIORITY, FEAR, SUSPICION, GUILT, SHAME 2. HURT, BITTERNESS, JEALOUSY 1. FEAR DEMEANED REJECTED LEFT OUT LONELINESS JEALOUSY REACTION 3 1. TO TRY TO FIND OTHERS TO CONNECT WITH. 2. TO CLOSE IN SELF
2. SELF REJECTION
3. INFERIORITY
1. INJUSTICE BETRAYAL HURT RESENTMENT, BITTERNESS ANGER REVENGE REACTION 4 1. ATTEMPTS TO HURT OR PUNISH THE OTHER IN VARIOUS WAYS
1. INNER PEACE 2. LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING AND COMPASSION FOR OTHER 3. HAPPINESS THAT REACTION 5 1. EFFORT TO HELP THE OTHER DECIDE WHAT WANTS.
REACTION 1 1. TO TRY TO CONTROL OTHER 2. TO SUPRESS SELF TO KEEP OTHER. 3. TO TEST OTHERS
REACTION 2 1. TO PANIC 2. TRY TO CONTROL 3. COMPLAIN ACCUSE 4. PUSH AWAY

THE STIMULUS - EVENT OR THOUGHT SOMEONE CRITICISES US BEHIND OUR BACK BELIEF 2 BELIEF 4 BELIEF 5
Life Coach Handbook
BELIEF 1
1. I WILL BE ALONE
1. MY SELF WORTH DEPENDS ON WHAT OTHERS THINK ABOUT ME.
2. I AM NOT SAFE ALONE
2. I WILL LOOSE EMOTION 3
3. I AM IN DANGER
BELIEF 3 1. I AM A VICTIM, ABUSED 2. I GAVE AND DID NOT RECEIVE 3. I HAVE BEEN BETRAYED 4. THE OTHER IS TO 1. OTHERS CANNOT BE TRUSTED 2. I AM ALONE IN THE WORLD 3. I AM IN DANGER OF BEING HURT (PHYSIC. EMOTION 4 1. FEAR, 2. LONELINESS 3. ANGER
1. I ACCEPT ANLOVE MYSELF INDEPENDENT OF THE THE OTHER'S OPINION. 2. I FEEL SAFE AND SECURE IN ALL SITUATIONS 3. LIFE GIVES ME
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EMOTION 1 1. FEAR, 1. WEAKNESS , BEYTRAYAL DISILLUSIONMENT 2. ANGER
EMOTION 2
EMOTION 5 1. INNER PEACE
1. FEAR, SELF REJECTION
2. INSECURITY
2. HURT, BITTERNESS
2. UNDERSTANDING AND LOVE FOR THE PERSON WHO HAS THE PROBLEM.
3. ANGER REACTION 3 1. TO SEEP IN DEPRESSION 2. TO REACT
REACTION 1
REACTION 2
1. TO DEFEND OUR SELVES TO THE OTHERS 2. TO CONFRONT
1. TO TRY TO ASSURE THAT WE HAVE FRIENDS
2. TO DO WHAT OTHERS WANT SO THEY WILL
REACTION 4 1. CLOSE OFF FROM OTHERS 2. WEAR A MASK FALSE SELF 3. BECOME
REACTION 5 1. EFFORT TO HELP THE PERSON WITH PROBLEM. 2. CONTINUE WITH LIFE WITHOUT

THE STIMULUS - EVENT OR THOUGHT OUR CHILD BRINGS HOME POOR GRADES BELIEF 2
1. I AM TOTALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR MY CHILD'S SUCCESS AND FAILURE 2. I AM A FAILURE AS A PARENT - AS A PERSON 2. MY SELF WORTH IS DEPENDENT ON WHAT OTHERS THINK OF ME AND MY CHILD. 1. OTHERS WILL LOOSE THEIR RESPECT FOR ME
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BELIEF 1
BELIEF 3
BELIEF 4
BELIEF 5
1. HIS SUCCESS AND HAPPINESS DEPENDS UPON HIS GRADES
1. HE IS TO BLAME FOR HIS POOR PERFORMANCE AND MY UNHAPPINESS.
2. HE WILL BE UNHAPPY AND IN DANGER IF HE DOES NOT HAVE GOOD
2. HE IS NOTOBEYING ME, NOT TRYING.
1. I AND MY CHILD ARE SOULS IN EVOLUTION. OUR SELFWORTH IS ABSOLUTE AND INDEPENDENT OF OUR PERFORMANCE, OR THE OTHER'S OPINION. 2. MY CHILD HAS A PROBLEM,AND I WILL HELP HIM AND HE WILL
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EMOTION 1
EMOTION 2
EMOTION 3
EMOTION 4 1. SELF REJECTION SHAME
1. FEAR, INSECURITY
EMOTION 5 1. INNER PEACE FAITH IN SELF AND CHILD 2. COMPASSION UNDERSTANDING 2. INFERIORITY SELF DOUBT
2. ANXIETY, 2. ANGER
1. RESENTMENT, BITTERNESS, HURT, INJUSTICE 2. ANGER THAT THE CHILD IS MAKING ME REACTION 3 1. PRESSURE THE CHILD TO CHANGE AND PERFORM
1. FAILURE SELF REJECTION SHAME, GUILT
REACTION 1
REACTION 2
REACTION 4 1. RELEASE NEGATIVITY ON CHILD
REACTION 5
1. EFFORT TO MAKE THE CHILD STUDY USUALLY WITH TENSION
1. REJECT THE CHILD HURT HIS FEELINGS
2. PUNISH HIM
1. HELP CHILD DISCOVER PROBLEM 2. INSPECT SELF FOR NECESSARY CHANGES 3. GIVE EMOTIONAL &
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situations and behaviors will be threatening for us, and we will frequently feel fear or guilt, and thus, all the other unpleasant emotions which are born from these two core emotions, such as hurt, anger, jealousy, shame, bitterness etc. Thus once we have established the stimulus and the various emotions which are created, our next step is to discover which beliefs are interpreting that stimulus in that way so as to create these emotions within us. For this reason, it may be beneficial to create a list of the various emotions created by this one stimulus so as to discover the different beliefs which may create each emotion. In the case that there is more than one stimuli or in the case that 2nd stage emotions are created once the original emotions become the second stimulus, then a separate analysis will need to be done for each separate stimulus. Figures number 6,7 and 8 (above) will help us in this process. We place a description of the stimulus in the upper box and fill in the various emotions which we feel in the boxes for the various emotions, and then seek to discover the beliefs which link the stimulus which each emotion. There may be more than one belief for each emotion while some beliefs may be common to many emotions and may appear over and over creating different emotions. Each different belief will create its own emotions with the same stimulus, and each emotion will create its own reactions. This is why we often feel conflicting emotions and observe conflicting reactions to the same stimulus. One of the examples included here is that of a child who brings home poor grades. In the box for belief no 1. we find the beliefs that the childs success and happiness depends on his grades and that the child will be in danger and unhappy if he does not have good grades. The corresponding emotions will be fear, anxiety and insecurity. The belief that the child is to blame for his poor performance and the parents unhappiness may create resentment, bitterness, hurt and even anger towards the child. The belief that the parent is responsible for the childs success or failure, or that the parents self worth is measured by the childs success will create emotions of failure, self rejection, guilt and shame. The belief that the parent will lose the others respect and that the parents self worth is dependent on what others think about him, will create emotions of self rejection, shame, inferiority, and self doubt. If the parent believes that grades are not the most important factor contributing to the childs happiness and is free from giving importance to what others think, and is also free from the doubt about himself as a parent and as a person, he will have emotions such as compassion, understanding and love as he sought to find practical solutions to the problem. In our search for the beliefs which are causing the emotions, we need to hold clearly in our minds, the stimulus as we go through each emotion seeking to discover the beliefs and conditionings which are creating those emotions. Only once we find the beliefs which are creating the emotions can this person begin the process of getting free.
When we are seeking to solve an electrical problem in a home, it is essential that we discover where the short circuit is located which is causing the problem. The belief is the short circuit which must be found in order to fix the problem. Of course locating the problem is only the first step towards manifesting the solution. In some cases, where it is determined that 2nd stage emotions have come into play, then we will have to determine which beliefs are creating those emotions. For example, other beliefs may create jealousy or fear concerning a certain stimulus while others create a feeling of disappointment or shame or self rejection or even anger at ourselves because we observe ourselves having those emotions. These can be called second stage beliefs and need to be discussed when the problem is two fold, that which we feel about the original stimulus and that which we feel about how we feel and react towards that stimulus. A list of 277 beliefs can be found in the Appendix B of this book. The first 143 beliefs are those which might be programmed into a child through his childhood experiences. A list of possible childhood experiences from which these beliefs was created can also be found in the Appendix C. After each experience there is a list of numbers which refer to the belief list indicating possible beliefs, assumptions or convictions to which the child might be lead through these experiences. Or one could start out with the belief list and after determining some beliefs which appear to be programmed into the subconscious refer to the childhood experiences numerically listed after each belief. Of course, these lists are neither absolute nor exclusive. The human mind and its variable reactions cannot be limited by such lists. These lists are offered to help but not to limit. Feel free to ignore them, when they do not seem to apply to the case in point. The beliefs presented from numbers 144 to 277 are those which come to mind in relation ships with the various roles which we play in life. They are beliefs which on the one hand create the need for those roles, and on the other are created by the roles. There is a list of those roles in the appendixes along with the basic beliefs and attitudes and behaviors of those caught up in those roles. Here too, we caution you to use these lists without being limited by them. 7. CORE BELIEFS - After discovering the beliefs which are creating our 1st and 2nd stage emotions (and in some cases, even 3rd stage emotions), we then need to go even deeper as we search for the core beliefs or root beliefs behind those beliefs which we have found. We want to discover the beliefs which make us believe what we believe. Some questions which can be helpful in finding beliefs and core beliefs are: a. What do you believe about what is happening here which makes you feel that particular emotion of __________? This can be repeated for each emotion. b. What do you believe which makes you believe in this? (Quest.a)
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Keep asking which belief is behind and creates each belief that you discover. c. And if what you want does not really happen? What does this mean? What will happen to you? If the subject answers that something will happen to someone else; such as a loved one, then keep asking, Yes and if that happens to them, what will happen to you? What will you feel and what do you believe which will make you feel that, if that happens to them? What will not happen? What will you loose? What is in danger if what you want does not happen? d. And if what you want does not happen what does this mean: about you: about others: about life itself? e. What is the possible danger here? f. What do you fear in this situation? g. What is the worst that can happen here? h. And if this should happen? (Quest. g) i. What makes you believe that this might happen and secondly that it will be so horrible if it does? j. What were your parents convictions about this? k. Do you always believe this? (Quest. i. or j.) l. Do you consciously believe this, that is, do you believe it is an objective truth? (Quest. i. or j.) m. Perhaps you cant see any conscious conviction that creates these emotions in you, but, despite this, you feel bad about it just the same. What is it that your subconscious (the child within) could believe to make you feel these emotions when this happens? n. What is it you want or you believe you must have, which other people or the particular situation prevent you from having? o. What do you lose when this happens? p. Did you have the acceptance and love which you needed from your parents?
This happens because the beliefs which cause our emotions are not conscious but rather subconscious often belonging to what we call the inner child. In such cases we may need to move on to the following type of questioning. It appears that we are unable to find a belief in your conscious mind which justifies your feeling this way in this situation, but we have to face the fact that the emotion and corresponding reaction are there. Where there is smoke, somewhere there must be fire. Thus we must look in the subconscious for the belief. a. Considering this, what would you imagine you would have to believe in your subconscious in order to feel this way? b. As a child, how did you feel when you were in such situation? c. If you now were a child and this was happening, how would you feel? What would you be believing which would make you feel that way? d. If you saw someone else feeling this way, in this situation, what would be your guess that they believed in order to feel that way? e. Most of our unpleasant feelings are generated by subconscious beliefs of that we are in danger or losing our security, self worth or freedom. Can you suspect that any subconscious part of your self might have any of these fears? f. What might your inner child be believing or fearing here? g. What might some small part of yourself be believing or fearing here? What we need to do is to allow the individual to save face by allowing his inner child or some small subconscious part of his being take the responsibility for these fears and his doubts about his self worth, security or freedom. It is easier for many to feel okay about their inner child or some part of the subconscious having these fears or sensitivities, rather than to say that they themselves feel this way. And to a great extent it is true, because, in most cases, we do not actually consciously believe what makes us fear. Have this in mind when you find that someone (who might be your own self) is resisting expressing the beliefs which are behind his emotions.
8. EXPERIENCES - Once we have established the emotions, beliefs, and core beliefs, it is often helpful to search for the experiences which may have contributed to q. Did your parents trust your ability to deal with the creation of those beliefs. For some persons, these may life? be easily accessible, while others may need much time and a series of techniques in order to get in touch with what When the beliefs are not conscious. happened in the past which may have created the In searching for beliefs, we will often find a discrepancy particular sensitivity or vulnerability which is now causing between our emotions and what we believe consciously. them to overreact in ways which they themselves see are
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self defeating and often negative for the environment. A surprising number of people remember the events which have taken place, but are not able to see the connection, simply because the they are not able to understand the logic of child. The childs logic with which we experienced those events is often very different than the one in which we now perceive and interpret the same events. For example a child often sees the parents as perfect and divine and himself as to blame for anything that goes wrong. I have seen cases in which childrens logic has told them that they are responsible for their parents divorce, or a parents death, or a parents illness, or what might have happened to siblings or even to strangers. A child does not have the logic to realize that a parent may not have time or the emotional complacency to give the child attention, affection or love because he needs to work long hours, or because he has problems or is blocked emotionally. The only assumption that the child can make is that he is not worthy of attention and love and will not have it in his life. In which case, he will create a reality corresponding to those beliefs. When a child is abused or abandoned or manipulated or suppressed by those who "love" him and whom he loves, then he naturally subconsciously "logically" identifies love with abuse, manipulation, abandonment or suppression. It is natural then to fear close love relationships. His logic cannot tell him that this was one isolated incident and not all relationships will be like this. Thus, we are not always able to see the relationship between what we have experienced in the past and what is bothering us today. This takes practice and help, and of course the desire to know and get free. In some cases, we will have to use techniques which facilitate the remembering process. We will mention them briefly here and dwell on them in greater detail when we discuss the process of getting free from childhood programming. Here we are simply discussing discovering the childhood experiences which may have given birth to the beliefs which are creating these unpleasant emotions triggered by the particular stimuli. a. Writing about childhood experiences and what exactly happened is useful. One could do this in the first or third person, according to ones preference. b. One could write the history of his life. This does not need to come out in chronological order, but rather in any order in which the memories come. c. One could write letters to those who played important roles in our childhood years. These letters should not be ended, but added to every time we think of something else.
have felt something similar to what you are feeling now? b. Can you remember something like this happening in the past? c. How would you describe your mother? d. How would you describe your father? e. Where there other persons who played an important role in your childhood? How would you describe them? f. Describe your relationship with your mother. g. Describe your relationship with your father. h. Describe your relationship with other important persons from your childhood years. i. What was your environments attitude towards this particular situation which we are now discussing? j. What was your familys attitude towards ________? SIDE PATHS You will notice that on our chart called THE STEPS OF ACTIVE LISTENING, we have a separate column to the left of the main issue called other emotions, other beliefs, other core beliefs and other experiences. In the process of active listening, we may suddenly discover that the real problem is to be found in other emotions and beliefs than those with which we started. In such a case, we will need to let go of the emotion we are discussing and move on to a side analysis of the one which now seems more important. The same may happen in relationship to the stimulus as we discover that actually something else is bothering the person more that the stimulus which we originally identified. For example we may start our with anger about someone's not communicating and end up that more important is our fear of his leaving us. We start analyzing anger and end up searching for beliefs which create the fear of abandonment. We need to be flexible enough to move off onto side paths, while always remembering the paths which we have left and eventually come back to them to examine them and eventually integrate all these emotional mechanisms into a general pattern of beliefs and emotional mechanisms which the individual can understand so that he can move on to the next stage of making conclusions. 9. CONCLUSIONS & 10. DECISIONS -
After clarifying and determining which emotions and d. Regressions to our childhood years can be very helpful beliefs are creating the problem, we need to make a resume in remembering. of what we have discovered. This resume itself must also be done through questions, so that the conclusions are All of these will be discussed in more detail later. made by the person being analyzed and not by the person Questions which may be helpful here are: asking the questions. These answers as to what is exactly causing the problem may be expedited by answering some a. Can you remember situations in the past when you further questions such as the following.
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help you?) a. Now, after all that we have discussed, which emotions do you want most to work on? f. If you had faith in yourself, would you feel the same?
b. Can you accept that part of yourself which has those g. What convictions or truths could help you to feel emotions? better or to overcome it? c. Can you love that part of your self which has those h. What logical thoughts could help you to see this emotions? differently? d. In your opinion, after all that we have said, which i. What would you like to explain or express to the beliefs are those which are creating your unpleasant others involved in this situation? emotions? j. What would you like to request from the others e. Do you want to change any of those beliefs which are involved in this situation? creating those emotions? k. How could you strengthen yourself in relationship f. Which beliefs do you want to change? to this situation? g. How would you like to be able to react internally and externally in such situations in the future? l. How could you increase you self-confidence?
m. How could you increase you feelings of self worth If the subject is unable to answer these questions, then, and self-acceptance? in some cases, we can propose that we make a resume of what we have discovered stopping after each conclusion, n. How could you learn to feel free to be yourself in this asking him if he agrees that this is true. This, however, situation? should be done only when the individual is totally unable to clearly see what is happening. o. What changes you would like to make in your life? 1) In your thinking? 11. MY LESSON & 12. BELIEFS WHICH I WANT 2) In your habits? TO CHANGE 3) In your manner or communication? 4) In your way of life? Integral to deciding what each person wants to do, which changes he wants to make internally and externally is p. What is it that you would like to express to others determining what ones lesson is in that particular that you havent expressed or that you find difficult to situation. Not all persons have accepted this perception of express? (Parents, child, companion, colleagues etc.) life, and thus the question in those cases must be expressed differently, such as, "If this situation does not change and q. If you had a magic wand"" you are forced to face it whether you like it or not, what 1) What reality would you create for yourself (without changes could you make in the way you think and react any restrictions)? which may make this situation easier for you to cope 2) How would you like to be? with?" Other questions will be useful in determining what r. If you had no financial, family or social obligation, changes one might want to make are: what would you do with your life? a. If life is a school and you have come here to learn some lessons, what is it that life is trying to teach you in this case? 13. EMPLOYMENT - ACTIONS - TECHNIQUES -
Based on the conclusions and decisions we have come to in our process of active listening until this point we will b. What inner preparation can you make in order to need to make a plan of action. This plan may have various learn these lessons more effectively? (Quest.a) levels of actions. All of what we will mention briefly here will be analyzed in detail in later chapters. c. What can you do externally to overcome the Just a few possibilities are: problem? a. That we are not sure yet of which belief or experience d. Is there something others can do to help? Can you from the past is making us sensitive to what is happening, express this wish for help or cooperation now as if you and thus we leave the subject with questions or a plan to were talking to them? (Psychodrama or written work on: communication). 1. Observing ourselves, keeping a diary and writing e. Is there something I can do to help you? (Who can about emotions and what triggers them.
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d. A subliminal cassette can be made with the same 2. Remembering past events which are similar to what messages. we are experiencing. e. Make signs and messages with these phrases and place them in places where we will see them, bedroom, 3. Writing a letter to the person whose behavior might mirror, in bathroom, kitchen, car, place of work. be bothering us. The letter will not be given at this point, but the process of writing it may shed light on what is 3. We might discover that we also need to make some really bothering us. external actions in order to solve this problem. Just a few possibilities would be: 4. Having a question in our mind, which works to a. To express our needs and feelings to the others stimulate the subconscious into answering. This question involved. can be stated many times throughout the day, but b. To change our behavior or modify some activities. especially just before sleeping or deep relaxation. Some c. To confront what we fear. possible general questions could be: d. To study or learn something. a. Why does this _______________ bother me so e. To employ various techniques for increasing energy much? and peace and strengthening the nervous system such a b. What do I believe which makes feel proper diet, exercises, breathing techniques, deep _____________ when this happens? relaxation and meditation. c. What has happened in the past which makes me f. To remove ourselves from the vicinity of the problem. so sensitive to this situation? This is also a last solution after we have tried everything d. What is my lesson here? else. e. What I really want here? f. Why is it so important for me that the others (or "SEALING" THE DECISION some specific person) _____________? h. Why is it so important for me that I get this from In aiding another to decide on his immediate plan of _______________? action, it is often useful to help bind himself to his decision by specifying when, where and how he plans to take these b. The person may have established exactly what beliefs actions. Ask questions which help both of you be clear he wants to transform, and thus he will decide on what exactly when, where and how he plans to employ this plan. actions he wants to initiate in order to start the process of It is also essential to establish why we want to employ a transformation. particular plan or change a belief. This is necessary because it helps us keep in mind the reasons and motives 1. He will need to establish the positive thoughts which why we want to make that change. Those motives become might be simple logical thoughts or spiritual truths which a motivating force which gives more will power, clarity and he wants to manifest in his life. Once he decides on the strength for making those changes or take to actions. phrases, you might need to help him perfect the phrase. Thus we can close the active listening with questions a. It should not be too long. which "seal" the decision process such as: b. It should not contain negative words such "I will not get angry" or " will not reject myself when I make a 1. Why do you want to make this change in your life? mistake," but rather with the opposite positive such as " I react with love and understanding" or " I accept and love 2. Why to you want to transform this belief? myself regardless of the outcome of my efforts." c. It should not contain words which put the change 3. What negative consequences do you experience from into the future such as "I will" or "eventually I ", or "as of the belief you want to transform? tomorrow", or "in the near future". d. Also words which weaken the strength of the 4. What have been the negative consequences of your phrase should be removed or changed such as " I hopefully way of life until now which make you want to make these will, or "I may be able to", or "in most cases, I will." changes now? Ultimate the person himself should decide on the phrase, even if he chooses to weaken the phrase in the above 5. Which actions do you plan to employ first? mentioned ways. It is his/her choice. 6. When and where do you plan to start? 2. Next one needs to decide on the ways in which he will focus on this phrase. Some possibilities are: 7. Which time of the day do you plan to do these a. To write them daily a number of times exercises or techniques? b. To make a cassette in which these phrases are repeated by another or by himself once a state of deep 8. In which room of the house will you be employing relaxation has been established with the help of the these techniques? guidance on the cassette. c. Such a cassette can also be made to be played while 9. Do you foresee any external obstacles in employing sleeping, so that it passes into the subconscious. these techniques or decisions?
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If yes, how can you overcome them? 10. Do you sense any internal resistance or fear towards employing these techniques or decisions? If yes, how can you overcome them? The active listening is now completed. We have established what the problem is, what exactly is the particular stimulus which triggers the unpleasant emotions, what those emotions are, what secondary emotions are created when we notice ourselves having the primary emotions, how we react in those situations, what we believe which make us feel and react in those ways when confronted with these stimuli, which beliefs we want to transform, what actions we want to take, how we are going to transform the beliefs and make the changes we want. The plan is put into action until our next meeting. 14. REVIEW - EVALUATION - NEW ACTIONS In follow up meetings, this process is continued, each time starting out with three main subjects:
This will depend on how much this person needs to hide from his fears, weakness and needs. The more he needs to hide from the them, the longer we need to respect this and go slowly. Otherwise we might be responsible for disturbing his emotional balance by removing various "balance" mechanism which often entail lying to ones self or not having contact with ones real feelings. Each disturbance of such a balance is followed by some type of crisis, of low or high intensity. Low intensity crises are not a problem and simply cannot be avoided, but high intensity ones can upset a persons emotional equilibrium for months or even years. Thus regardless of how much we want to help someone see the truth about himself, we must always move slowly and respect his own inner wisdom concerning the time of "awakening". Concerning the question about giving the answers as to what beliefs or emotions may be plaguing the other, this should be avoided at all costs. Allow the other to find his answers in his own way and time schedule. We can, however, after exhausting all methods of helping him see what is happening without results, then "suggest" some possible answers, always stating them in ways which allow the other total freedom to reject those suggestions. For example:
a. Whether or not we were able to employ the plan (not whether we have results or not - but whether we are trying) 1. "I do not want to project onto you my ideas of what and where we want to improve or modify that effort? might be happening. I would, however, like to share with you some thoughts and impressions which have come to b. What new discoveries or realizations were made since me as we have been talking. As you listen to them feel free the last meeting? to reject them if they do not seem to hold for you." c. Which unpleasant emotions have been most 2. " I such cases in the past, we have found that some predominant since the last meeting? beliefs are most often behind such emotions. I would like to share those with you so that you can think about them Based on what we discover in answering these three and decide whether or not they might not be hiding in your questions, we continue again in our active listening as we subconscious." continue our search for the beliefs which are obstructing our peace, love or happiness. 3. " What you are describing reminds me of something I too have felt. I would like to share with you what I discovered about my beliefs which create that emotion in PUSHING OR GIVING ANSWERS me. It may or may not be the same for you. You will decide. IN OUR QUESTIONING? " If the other, after a considerable time of active listening, When helping another through active listening we are is not able to locate his emotions or beliefs, you might want often forced with two basic dilemmas. One is, "How much to try helping in this way. But I would suggest that we to I pressure the other to find the answers which he cannot allow the other a number of sessions or weeks, whenever readily see, or would prefer to ignore?" The second is, " to possible, to find his own answers, before employing such what degree do I supply my answers to the questions when a technique. It avoids our confusing the other with our other cannot see his own answers?" projections and helps him gain self-confidence in this My personal opinion on this subject is that for at least process of seeing for himself. the first five to eight meetings, we should not push the other at all, but simply leave him each time with a question THE WORD... "WHY?" think about as he observes himself until our next meeting. As time passes and we get to know the subject well and we The word "why" is used more than any other in active have established that he or she has the emotional balance listening. This word can, however, be used in many ways. and maturity to handle being pushed further on, and when simultaneously the other has learned to trust and not fear 1. Like a child who really wonders why, what the answer us, then will be the time to push on deeper as we try to is. There is no judgment here and the child does not have force a realization. his own answers in his mind. He doesn't know and that is With some very disturbed persons, this moment might why he asking. come after years. Others still might be ready very soon.
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2. Like a lawyer who already knows the answer and just asking the question so that the witness will externalize it. And if the witness does not give the answer which the lawyer has in his mind, the lawyer will continue to ask questions in various ways, until he gets the answer which he has in his mind. Some facilitators do exactly this. If we have an answer in our mind, we cannot hear the others answer and cannot connect with him and flow with him, because we already have made up our mind about what the answer is. In such situations, we cannot help the other and will most likely antagonize and confuse him.
questionnaire for self-analysis. Whenever you have anything bothering you, try to answer these questions in the order they appear below. In addition to your logical responses, imagine how your inner child might answer. ATTENTION WHEN ENGAGED IN ACTIVE LISTENING a. No counseling, criticism, advice.
b. We dont take over the conversation to give our opinion. We let the other person talk. Ask 3. Like a judge in which case the word "why" is not a questions only when he stops, is blocked or gets seriously question but a condemnation. We ask, "why do you feel off the track. that way" or "why did you do that?" But what we are really doing is judging and criticizing " How is it possible that c. Our first questions should re-express what we have you could feel that way?" or "Why, the hell, did you do heard using our own words in order to make sure that we that?" In such cases, the other does not feel accepted and have understood correctly what is going on inside the other safe and obviously will not open up. person. (We do not analyze the other person). d. There is no need to be restricted to the questions It is clear that we need to cultivate the first type of WHY? below, they are designed to serve as a guide. That of a small child, who has no answers and is unconditionally accepting of all that the other may do or THE ANALYSIS say. A. ABOUT EMOTIONS In closing, I would like to remind all of us, that the attitude and love with which we perform active listening 1. How you feel: What emotions do you have concerning are much more important than our ability to "hone in" on this subject, event, or situation? the answers. Some group facilitators or psychologist are very effective in asking lawyer like questions which can 2. Do you have any other emotions, in connection with reveal the truth, but because they lack love and acceptance this? for the other, no progress is made because the other does not feel safe enough to let go of defense mechanisms in 3. How do you feel about yourself when you have these order to relax into the truth. emotions? CLOSING In closing our session it is useful for someone (preferably the subject) to write down the conclusions we have come to. REMINDER 7. Did you ever feel this way as a child or in the past in No one can perform active listening with love and clarity general? if he has not gone through the same process of answering all of the above questions in both written and verbal form. 8. Are there, or were there, moments during which Thus before going on in this book, I would suggest that despite you were in a similar situation, you managed to you take a few of the emotions which you would prefer to feel and / or react differently? lessen or bring into perspective, and analyze them thoroughly with the questions presented in this chapter. 9. Which and when were these moments? (Quest.8) We leave you with a sample very simple basic outline for 10. What did you say to yourself in these moments which active listening (fig 9), which is also an opportunity for you helped you not to feel and/ or react differently? (Quest.8) to start your own analysis. B. ABOUT BELIEFS ______________________________________ 1. What do you believe about whats happening that BASIC OUTLINE FOR ACTIVE LISTENING makes you feel that way? Even though this list of questions was created as a guide 2. What do you believe which makes you believe in this? for active listening, it has proven to be a very effective (Quest.1) 4. In what other situations have you felt similar emotions? 5. How long have you felt this way? 6. How often do you feel this way?
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Keep asking which belief is "behind" and creates each belief which you discover.
17. Did your parents trust your ability to deal with life?
3. And if what you want does not really happen? What 3. DISCOVERIES does this mean? What will happen? What will not happen? What will you loose? What is in danger if what you want 1. If life is a school and you have come here to learn some does not happen? lessons, what is it that life is trying to teach you in this case? 4. And if what you want does not happen what does this mean: about you: about others: about life itself? 2. What inner preparation can you make in order to learn these lessons more effectively? (Quest.1) 5. What is the possible danger here? 3. What can you do externally to overcome the problem? 6. What do you fear in this situation? 4. Is there something others can do to help? Can you 7. What is the worst that can happen here? express this wish for help or cooperation now as if you were talking to them? (Psychodrama or written 8. And if this should happen? (Quest.7) communication). 9. What makes you believe that this might happen and 5. Is there something I can do to help you? (Who can that it will be so horrible if it does? help you?) 10. What were your parents convictions about this? 11. Do you always believe this? (Quest.7) 12. Do you consciously believe this, that is, do you believe it is an objective truth? (Quest.7) 13. Perhaps you cant see any conscious conviction that creates these emotions in you, but, despite this, you feel bad about it just the same. What is it that your subconscious (the child within) could believe to make you feel these emotions when this happens? 6. If you had faith in yourself, would you feel the same? 7. What convictions or truths could help you to feel better or to overcome it? 8. What changes you would like to make in your life? a) In your thinking? b) In your habits? c) In your manner or communication? d) In your way of life?
9. What is it that you would like to express to others that you havent expressed or that you find difficult to express? 14. What is it you want or you believe you must have, (Parents, child, companion, colleagues etc.) which other people or the particular situation prevent you from having? 10. If you had a magic wand"" a) What reality would you create for yourself (without 15. What do you lose when this happens? any restrictions)? b) How would you like to be? 16. Did you have the acceptance and love which you needed from your parents? 11. If you had no financial, family or social obligation,
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CHAPTER 7 GOALS AND RESISTANCE

The next step is supporting the subject in defining his or her goals. We want to establish exactly what that person is seeking. Some possible situations might be: 1. People who have been pressured by friends, or more usually, relatives to contact you and do not really want to be there. Thus they are not really interested in making changes. 2. Those who simply want to have someone to talk to and nothing else, without actually wanting to solve the problem. 3. Others want the problem to go away, but with intervention from others, and with no effort of their own. 4. Still others seek to be free of the problem even if that means making an effort and making changes to some degree, but not deep work on the subconscious or major changes in life style. 5. Those who have suffered enough are ready to go all the way to get results, even if that means facing the subconscious and making major life style changes. 6. People who are seeking higher states of consciousness, self-actualization, or total freedom from inner obstacles and want help in this process. In order to proceed, it is necessary to clarify what the person wants and how far he is willing to go in the process. Of course many start cautiously without wanting to make major changes and eventually see that those changes are both necessary and also beneficial and pleasant. Also others may come with a "Gung ho" attitude supposedly ready for everything and then get scared and stop. We will need to decide with which types of persons we are willing or capable to work with and how to work with each category. We may feel that we are not suited to work with some categories or simply do not enjoy working with others. THOSE WHO WANT TO KEEP THEIR PROBLEMS Those who simply want to talk about their problems, without actually wanting to change anything in their lives, will obviously not be ready to look very objectively at themselves. We cannot expect to go very deeply with these persons. We will have to decide whether we personally want to spend our time in this way. If we feel that this is helping this person in some way then we might chose simply to listen, hoping that perhaps eventually this person may come to the point where he really wants to be free from his problem. In other cases, we may decide that we would prefer to work with people who want to find to solutions, and that we do not have time to hear over and over the same problems from someone who needs to hold on to those problems. We may chose to allow this person to keep his problems and wait until his suffering brings him to the point of seeking real change. This is a factor which can often be frustrating in our efforts to help another person. Our frustration often comes, however, from our own need to solve the other persons problem, because we are caught up in the role of the savior and our self worth is dependent on whether on not we can solve their problem. In this role, we also measure our self worth by how much the other opens up to us or trusts us. These are our own selfish needs and must be overcome if we want to truly help others. This is also one of the most difficult tests in the role of a counselor. To see some one we care for suffer, while knowing that we can help them, that we know solutions for their problems. If it is a member of our family or a close friend, this test is even more difficult. We often are forced by life to witness our loved ones self destruct or create senseless pain for themselves, without being able to get them to make the changes necessary in order to improve their situation. In such cases, it is essential that we see the other as immortal divine beings in a process of evolution, who are passing through exactly the situations which are necessary in order to cultivate their inner spiritual qualities. The process can be also described as the evolution of thought forms or beliefs. We suffer because the time has come to let go of some old beliefs and move on to other more evolved ones. Our suffering will continue until we allow this process to take place. We cannot do this for another, and no one can do this for us. Thus, we may have to simply wait for some people to suffer enough from their old beliefs, until they are ready to make the change. No matter how many techniques we know, or how much we love someone, we cannot decide on the time they will be ready for change. Also frequently such changes take place seemingly by themselves and not in relationship to some technique or therapy or action. Of course, all efforts made by this person to change, as well as all attempts made by others to help, have played their role. The moment of change, however, is decided by the inner self of that person and cannot be calculated or forced by external factors. THOSE WHO WANT TO CHANGE BUT DO NOT WANT TO MAKE ANY EFFORT
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Those who declare that they want to be well but want others to solve their problems will usually end up taking some types of chemical substances, medical or not, in order to find solutions. They, too, will have to suffer through the illusion that these substances can make significant changes in their lives, until they are ready to take responsibility for their reality and make an effort towards improving their condition. Of course, it is true that some cases such a serious disturbances such as schizophrenia or manic depressive situations may not be able to respond to any other type of help except chemical, and we are not talking about those types of serious imbalances here. Although even in this cases, these persons need to be personally touched and helped through various means of communication and expression. Drugs can seldom solve the root of the problem. THOSE WHO WANT TO MAKE SOME TYPE OF EFFORT Even in the case that a person wants to make an effort to get free from his problem, there will be various types of subconscious resistance which we will likely encounter. It is useful to have these in mind, because at the right moment discussing them with the other may generate the revelation necessary for a break through. What are some of those resistances? Refer to fig. 10 RESISTANCE TO DEVELOPMENT. 1. Some may be caught up in resistance towards what the others want. Some of us get into rebellious relationships with others and do not want to let them have their way or get what they want. Or we do not want to
allow them to think that they might be right about something which they are asking us to do. Thus, even though we want to make a positive change in our lives, we subconsciously refuse to do so, so as not to give this satisfaction to someone who is trying to push us, or change us, or who do not accept us as we are. In such cases we often function in self-destructive ways. Many adolescents go through this stage, often resorting to narcotics or other self-destructive life styles. I have seen some refuse to finish one last course which they need in order to complete their university diploma simply because they do not want to give that satisfaction to those who have suppressed them or rejected them, or to those who they believe are wrong in their values or lifestyle. Some of us take this rebellious obstacle to selfimprovement to the grave with us. 2. A second obstacle is the inertia of habit. We get locked into habits which become our familiar reality. We identify with this reality which we create and feel safe in even though it is painful. For many people familiar pain or suffering are preferable to unfamiliar happiness. Many would prefer to stay in the narrow confines of the familiar and known, rather than risk the freedom of the unknown. Improvement and change mean going beyond the known. Also these habits can engage our energy patterns in ways which control our minds so that they mechanically fulfill themselves without our conscious support. For example, we reach for food, drink or a cigarette, turn on the TV, zap through the channels, pick up the phone and call someone, all mechanically without being conscious of what we are doing, and whether what we are doing is actually beneficial for us and what we really want to do. The mind loses it ability to control these unconscious movements, and then suffers from compulsive acts and thoughts.
RESISTANCE TO DEVELOPMENT
Other desires
Our goal Pressure from others Desire for change
Resistance to pressure
Fear of change
Inertia towards change. habit
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Such problems are seldom solved through active listening or analysis alone. They require a strong decision on the part of the individual and a willingness to go through the pain of withdrawal symptoms, by placing himself in a situation in which he simply cannot get to what he mechanically desires. Centers for detoxification offer such opportunities. Twelve step groups made up of people with the same addictions can also be very helpful. Being in the presence of those who have actually gotten free from that particular habit, and also with those who still have the habit but want to get free and have vowed to get free, is a very powerful support mechanism. But perhaps the first and most important step to this process is ones ability to recognize that he is stuck and to admit that he has until now been incapable of overcoming it. Then we come to the third main door to freedom in such situations; faith in God. Developing a relationship with God (each according to his own beliefs and perceptions) is a very powerful solution for transcending habits. This faith gives a feeling of protection, support, love and deep inner caring coming from this Universal Being who will never betray us. This love relationship is the only lasting and invulnerable one. The security and self worth which we receive from this relationship allow us to go beyond those needs which are at the root of our addictions. Thus when working with people who are held back in their process by strong self defeating habits, in addition to analysis, we would do well to encourage them to: a. Find a place where they can live for a time without having access to their habits. b. Participate with a group of people with the same problem. c. Develop their relationship with the Divine. 3. Conflicting desires and needs also can be an obstacle to change. A person may want to get free and experience his own creative expression, but he might also desire to be accepted by others, or need to depend on them. His other needs may then conflict with his original goal. In such cases we will need to help him with active listening, so as to facilitate his understanding of what each of these needs is actually creating in his life, so that he can choose what he wants to do. He has the right to chose security and social recognition over his freedom and happiness, if that is his choice. One might have a need to have a relationship, and on the other hand have a need to be free to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. These are conflicting needs which will have to be worked out through active listening and also through inner dialogue (we will discuss this later).
_____________________________________ WHY IT MIGHT NOT PAY FOR ME TO GET WELL OR TO SUCCEED, OR TO BE WITHOUT A PROBLEM 1. If I get well: a) They might not pay attention to me anymore; I might lose their attention and love. b) I will need to undertake responsibility for my life (work, survival etc.). I am incapable of doing that. c) It will be necessary to tire myself, and I will lose my comfort. 2. I can control others though my illness: a) They must serve me. b) They must not make me worry. 3. The others are responsible for what happened to me. a) I have been treated unjustly and so others are unjust whereas I am justified, correct, good. b) This way I punish them with my illness. I make them feel guilty. 4. I am guilty and I dont deserve to be well. I must be punished, I must suffer. 5. Without my illness I am not important or interesting enough. 6. If I admit being happy or well, this might then be followed by something horrible. _____________________________________ Fig. 11 Just a few words about each of these, as they are most likely self explanatory to most readers. a. Some of us have come to believe that others will pay attention to us only if we have problems. This may have actually been our experience until now. We may believe that we have nothing interesting about us, and thus fear that we will have not have the others attention if we no longer have a problem. Thus although we suffer from our problem, we are subconsciously afraid to let go of it.
b. Others of us have come to believe that we are incapable of coping with life, with responsibilities or with the rat race of survival. Our problem becomes our subconscious excuse why we cannot face up to all this, and why others must protect us and help us. If our problem is solved, we will then have to face life by our selves, 4. There may also be a number of fears which may cause something which we fear. This then will act as a one to avoid change. Although one may want too change, subconscious obstacle to solving the problem. he may fear that he may lose something important if he c. One who is lazy for various reasons, physical or lets go of that problem. The following chart ( fig. 11) points emotional might find that a problem is a good excuse not out a number of those reasons. to tire himself. Thus although he may suffer and ask for help, he subconsciously prefers to have this problem which prevents him from asking much from himself in life.
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such a position will frequently play the "YES - BUT" game, in which they will present to you their problem, so that you can get hooked into trying to find the solution for their problem. For every solution you suggest, they will have a very good answer as to why it will not work. You keep on trying to convince them and find the solution, as they drain all your energy by monopolizing all your attention and effort. This is the way they energize themselves. This is why it is essential in all cases to leave the responsibility for the solution to the others as you simply ask questions which might help him or her decided what e. In the same case they also must not worry me. They they want to do. must not ask much from me, or speak harshly to me, or ask me to carry my load. They must do what I ask and not j. Those trapped in a belief system of clear cut opposites cause me to feel hurt. They must never ask me to see such as good and evil, happiness and pain, success and myself, because that might upset me. In such a case, why failure may fear that allowing themselves to accept being should I let go of my problem. It is my greatest asset and happy and free from problems, might bring quickly the protection. opposite which they fear greatly, and thus prefer to stay in state of having the known, tried and trusted problems, f. Those who have come to identify with the role of the rather than to let go of them and go forth into happiness, abused and the victim need to keep their problem because, risking falling then into something worse. Or, for example, their self worth is based on being wronged by someone, at one who complains about not having a relationship, might least by life if not by specific persons. By being wronged subconsciously fear having one, because he has identified by others, that verifies that the others who do them harm close relationships with the eventual pain of abandonment, are wrong and evil, and thus that they themselves are right hurt, suppression, conflict, betrayal or simply failure. In and good. The victim creates a false sense of self-worth by such a case, he will subconsciously undermine the solution being abused. If he has no other source of self-worth, then to his problem, because he fears it. although he may complain about the problem and how This will be discussed from another point of view in the others are mistreating him, he subconsciously needs this chapter LIFES LESSONS. abuse in order to feel his self worth, and thus will undermine any solutions. If you ask such a person to OUR ATTITUDE imagine that the problem has disappeared completely and that that others treat him perfectly exactly as he desires, How can we help those who have these conflicting he will most likely feel an emptiness, depression or panic. needs? They want to get free, but are also afraid. d. Some discover that they can control others when they have problems, physical or mental. Since we have a problem, others must treat us a special way. They must not ask much of us. They must serve us and help us, try to solve our problem. In such a case, the only thing we need to do is hook up to someone who is playing the role of the savior or who feels responsible for others and get them to try to solve our problems. We are then able to control them and have their attention. g. Sharing with others the common belief that others create our reality, some may use their own self-destruction to get back at and punish those whom they consider responsible for their pain. For example many children go into a mode of self-destruction as a form of blackmail, control and revenge towards their parents. As long as we are locked into this game of blaming others for our reality, we will feel the need to keep our problem, because that makes them guilty. Solving our problems allows them to let go of their guilt, something which we are not ready to do. h. Negative childhood experiences can create the false belief that we are not worthy and thus do not deserve a good life without problems. Although we want to create a happy reality, we fear that we are not worthy of one, and thus subconsciously undermine our own attempts to create happiness, because we do not believe that we deserve it. i. Our illness or problem may become our life focus, our connection with all whom we know and interact. We have become that problem. If we do not have it, we do not know who we will be, or what we will do, or how we will interact with others. We have no other frame of reference. Life without our problem is unfamiliar and scary. People in 1. Remember throughout that they and only they are responsible for their reality. Only they can solve their problem. 2. Accept that each has his way and his own rate. Respect that what might have helped you, may not help the other. The wisdom and timing are within him. 3. Our most powerful tools are unconditional love and acceptance. 4. Have enough faith in the process of evolution to allow the other to suffer as much as he needs to in order to come to the point of really wanting change. 5. Explain these mechanisms which might obstruct the process of change to the other with the hope that he might see them, and seeing them get free from them. 6. Through active listening, help him to see his options and make choices. 7. Through Body Centered release work, help him to let go of emotional blockages which may be preventing his movement forward. These techniques based on Body Centered Psychology will be explained further on.
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HELPING THEM SET SPECIFIC GOALS We proceed more effectively when we can define specific goals in small reachable increments. One of the obstacles people encounter in their growth process, or in any endeavor, is that they see the problem, the goal or that to be achieved as very large or very complex, or very far away and thus never get started. These are those who look to the top of the mountain and get discouraged saying, "It is too high, I will never be able to do it," and thus never get started. Others just look at the next step up that mountain and say, "well I think I can do that," and then they are confronted with the next step and again they say " Yes, I can do that." And before they know it, they are there. The others look at the top of the mountain discouraged, sit there feeling weak, depressed, inferior or unlucky, never taking that simple next step. Regardless of how far away the goal is, or how old we are, or difficult the road is, the only really important thing to focus on is the next step. Of course, in order to specify what exactly the next step is, I will need to see the top of the mountain or at least know its direction. Thus we occasionally get out our compass to see in which direction we want to go, and then put our heads down and take the next step. In the same way we must regularly define what our goal is, what the purpose of our life is, and then take the next step towards that life purpose. The very popular book CELESTINE PROPHECY, address itself exactly to this matter how to determine our life purpose, which gives birth to our present life question in relationship to that purpose. Then we watch for signs such coincidences or messages from within or without as to the next step, and then move forward in that direction until we come to the next crossroad and the next question or choice comes to mind. Having then established with our subject his present goal, which might be material, physical, emotional, mental, social, economic, spiritual etc., we then continue with our active listening to help him determine as specifically as possible the steps he wants to make this week, or at least this month. Some questions which might help with this are: 1. "How would you express your goal at this point? What is it that you want to change, create, attain, or transform first?" Chose what you want to act on first? 2. "Why have you chosen this? Why is it important for you?" How do you feel that you will benefit from this change or effort? How is your life less pleasant by not making this effort?" Establishing why we want to make these changes produces the awareness, motivation and momentum to develop the discipline necessary. 3. "How do you plan to start? What will be your first step?" Here we want to get as specific an answer as possible. "I will begin to love myself more," is not a specific
answer. More specific is " I will offer myself a massage once a week." " I will work on my relationship with my spouse (or child), " is not specific. More specific is "I will arrange to have a deep discussion with my spouse (or child) this week in order to explain to them what I have discovered." 4. "When exactly will you do this and where?" Can you be more specific about days or dates?" Now we are asking the subject to commit himself to a more specific plan like " I am free on Saturday mornings, I will get my massage then, or I will arrange to have a discussion with my spouse (child) on Sunday morning." Once the subject has very clearly defined what he is going to do, it is much easier for him to proceed and make steps forward. He still may, however, be under the influences of various resistances which may undermine these decisions. In our next meeting we will need to ask the subject how his decisions went. If he says that he has not acted on them yet, avoid getting into the role of he teacher or parent and simply start from the beginning as above. 1. Does he want to do it? 2. Why does he want to do it? 3. What are benefits for him? 4. What is the step he wants to make this week? Was the previous step perhaps too difficult, would he like to start with something else and build up to that one or will he work again on the same goal? 5. When and where will he take these actions? This goes week after week. When the subject has accomplished his goal, we ask these questions about the next step. When he has not done what he set out to do, then we simply work through it again, leaving all the responsibility and decisions to him, helping simply to define and specify his next steps. When we see that the resistance perseveres, we can discuss that with a simple I message. For example, " I see that you are having difficulty taking action on this problem. It is possible that there might be a part of you which is subconsciously resisting. This frequently happens with all of us. I would like to share with you some of the possible mechanisms of resistance that we have observed, just in case you recognize some even small part of your self in one or more of those." We can then read ad explain to him the above list in figs. 10 & 11 allowing him to share with us his feelings about this idea. If he is willing to investigate further, then he can work on the following questionnaire. It goes without saying that we too will benefit from the same process. The following questionnaire (fig. 12) will aid in revealing possible thought forms which might obstruct our process of growth.
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_____________________________________ DISCOVERING OUR RESISTANCE TO CHANGE
you? b) You can make them feel guilty? c) You can punish them or have your revenge?
4. Is there a part of you which does want this change As you answer these questions, have in mind a particular because: positive change you want to make in your life, but have noticed that you actually are not doing what you could or a) Others also want it and you do not want to give them would like to do in relationship to that change. the satisfaction? b) It comes into conflict with other needs that you have. For example the need to lose weight conflicts with the need a) Doubts whether you have the ability to succeed in to enjoy food, or the need for a relationship conflicts with this effort? What does this part of your self actually the need for freedom? believe? 5. In relationship with the change you want to make: b) Doubts whether you have the right to create something better? a) What messages or examples did you have concerning Perhaps you believe that you do not deserve that subject when you were young? something better. Perhaps you have guilt feelings, and believe that you b) Did you, in general, receive what you wanted from should not be happy. your parents? Perhaps you believe that someone else will feel badly if you make this change in your life? c) Did your parents have what you are now trying to What does this part of your self actually believe? create in your life with this change? 2. Is there a part of you which fears that if you make this change, something might be lost or put in danger? a) Perhaps you fear that you will lose: your freedom, or others attention, or their love, or their protection, or perhaps some rights, or some pleasures or comforts, or some external form of support? d) Do you believe that you deserve this change? e) Do you believe that it is easy and natural for you to have what you want here, or difficult? 6. Based on your above analysis, what would you say are your inner obstacles towards making this particular positive change in your life? 7. What would you like to do in order to overcome these obstacles? 1. Is there a part of you which:
b) Is there a part of you which fears that with such an 8. If you at this moment had total self confidence and improvement or success you will then need to take self acceptance: responsibility for your life, and that perhaps you might not be able to cope? a) What is it that you would do, that you have been avoiding doing until now? 3. Is there a part of you which prefers not to change or for this problem not to be solved because in this way: b) What is it that you would stop doing because you a) You can keep the others feeling responsible for have been doing this only because you do not have self-
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CHAPTER 8 STAGE I - REBUILDING THE ENERGY

Each individual is unique and requires that we respond to his uniqueness by attending to his particular path and rate of movement. Thus, as we discuss here various ways in which we can aid others in their growth process, we must keep clearly in mind we must use such guidelines as a support system and not allow it to limit our free flowing responsiveness to each completely different person. We must also remember that it is best not to introduce others to techniques which we ourselves have not employed personally so as to know them and their possible traps and difficulties from first hand experience. With most persons, we will best start out with a process of building their general state of energy. As all physical, emotional and mental as well spiritual states are deeply affected by the quantity and harmony or disharmony of our energy flow; it is of obvious benefit to attend to this matter. How to create a positive energy flow is explored in depth in the book Self-Therapy, and thus will be mentioned only very briefly here. The following techniques and ways of life will aid each of us in building a freer and more positive energy flow. 1. PROPER DIET - Few people realize the powerful effect of a proper diet not only on our physical being, but also on our emotional, mental and spiritual state. Anyone who has experimented with changing his diet can verify this fact, with no hesitation. A pure diet can bring greater health, more positive emotional states, clearer mental functioning and greater spiritual attunement. This increased personal harmony, of course, then leads to more harmonious personal relationships, and greater effectiveness, creativity and productivity in all endeavors. 2. VITAMINS - Our way of life in conjunction with the depletion of the soil, leaves many of us deficient in essential vitamins. Although, I do not believe in regular consumption of vitamin supplements, I have seen periodic intake do wonders in rebuilding the psychosomatic system. More specifically in the case of emotional problems, the B-complex vitamins seem to help strengthen a weakened nervous system. When, however, I see a generally run down person, and suspect that his emotional state may also be a function of his worn down nervous system, I suggest a strong multivitamin and mineral supplement for one month. This, in some cases, provides immediate first aid which leads to an optimistic feeling that the problem can be solved. be associated with a toxic body, short one day fasts or mono-diet, in which one eats only one type of food, such as only apples, or watermelon, or grapes can serve to help clear not only the body, but also the mind. In some cases, however, we will see an increase of symptoms as a healing crisis is produced. Each person reacts differently. A doctor should be consulted. 4. HERBS or FLOWER ESSENCES - Some herbs can be very calming and/ or invigorating and can offer an extra boost which may give that individual the needed optimism which he needs to make more internal changes. Bach Flower Essences as well as other essences which have come into market recently have proven especially helpful to those who need help in overcoming emotional mechanisms. 5. DAILY PHYSICAL EXERCISE - The body is a live machine, and as all machines, it needs to move, or else it begins to develop problems. Exercise is essential not only for a healthy muscular or skeletal system and circulatory system, but also for a relaxed nervous system and balanced endocrine system. This systemic harmony is essential for emotional and mental harmony. We have seen many negative emotional states seriously reduced or even removed completely by daily exercise. Although all forms of exercise are beneficial, I find yoga exercises to be the most effective in creating positive emotional states, because they work directly on the nervous, endocrine, immune and bioenergy systems. Especially important in our attempt to strengthen the nervous system are those exercises which increase the blood supply to the brain. 6. BREATHING TECHNIQUES are essential for the abundant flow of vital energy in body and mind. This bioenergy is the basis off all physical and mental functions. When this energy is low, or not allowed to flow freely through the body-mind structure, illness, disharmony and negative emotional and mental states are the result. Breathing exercises are one of the most effective ways of increasing our energy level and keeping it steady and harmonious so that we are not so susceptible to low emotional states of illness.
7. DAILY DEEP RELAXATION of all the systems of the body and of the mind itself is essential to the daily rejuvenation of all the body systems, as well as the mind 3. FASTING - Although fasting is in general not the itself. Modern man with his hectic life style is subject to a most popular solution for most people, in some cases, wide variety of psychosomatic illnesses which result from where we suspect that the negativity encountered may also his lack of inner peace, and agitated and worn out immune
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system. Deep relaxation techniques, in conjunction with the above-mentioned techniques, provides for a strong and healthy immune system as well as self-therapy from psychosomatic illnesses. Relaxation techniques given at this stage of emotional support also serve as a prelude and a preparation towards the various techniques which will be later employing while the individual is in a state of deep relaxation. These techniques will be described further on. 8. CREATIVE SELF-EXPRESSION is much more important to our physical, emotional and spiritual health and harmony than most people imagine. Man is a creative being. His purpose on earth is to create in some way. He may create a family, a business, a farm, a painting, or music, or a dance, whatever. It is essential for health and harmony and happiness that he create. Thus, after establishing with active listening the type of expression with which an individual feels most comfortable we might start investigating ways in which he or she can get started.
massage can be especially effective in relaxing the nervous system, but all types of massage can help reduce the negativity so that then this person can start to help himself. The mind then becomes clearer and more positive and the individual can then begin to see what is happening more objectively. Spiritual healing or any type of hands on therapy can also bring about a balancing and restoration of the flow of energy and in this way affect the mind positively at least for short period of time.
11. CLEANSING TECHNIQUES - There are various methods for cleaning the body, which have a beneficial effect on the overall energy flow. One simple method is to increase the number of showers or baths. Contact with water can be healing and calming, especially if one is subject to insomnia or intense ups and downs in energy flow so that one moment he has too much nervous energy and the next no energy at all. Contact with water is a form of first aid in these cases. One can also benefit by cleaning the body systems with 9. MEANINGFUL ACTIVITY is basic to feeling that enemas and other internal cleansing techniques. These our life is worthwhile. If one does not see what he is doing effect the mind a much as the body. as meaningful or useful or helpful in some way, he loses his reason for living, and his health and happiness As mentioned, all the above with the exception of no. 9 gradually deteriorate. It is essential that each person are dealt with in detail in the book Self-Therapy. discover the type of work and lifestyle which suits him so that he live his life with joy and inspiration. We will discuss 12. EMOTIONAL RELEASE - We usually tend to later on ways in which to help someone become more start out a program of emotional release after we have aware of his life purpose. helped the person develop some of the above means of balancing and helping himself, so that he can deal with the 10. MASSAGE - Many people are unable to overcome emotions which flow forth when he starts releasing. There their negativity without help. They are so tense, that they will be some cases; however, in which we might have to cannot even start to do some simple exercises or breathing begin with emotional release because the person is so techniques or even simple analysis. Various types of blocked by his emotions, that if he doesnt discharge them, massage can greatly benefit these persons. Shiatsu he cannot do anything else. We will look into this further
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CHAPTER 9 POSITIVE PROGRAMMING

Once the subject begins to develop a more healthy and balanced energy flow, we are now ready to support him in the process of creating a more positive attitude. Our active listening process will have uncovered the basic negative beliefs which are obstructing his happiness, health or success. We are now ready to employ various techniques which will facilitate his efforts to change those limiting thought forms. Let us remember that a thought form is simply a belief which has gained a certain amount of autonomy in our individual or group mind. It is a belief which functions by itself, maintaining its own conscious or subconscious existence governing to a significant degree our attitudes and emotional states. We will obviously want to transform any thought forms which are limiting our growth or happiness. Let us examine now some ways in which we can attend to this process. First of all we will want to determine which beliefs lie at the source of our problems. After analyzing each unpleasant emotion separately we can get an overall view with the help of the following two questionnaires. (figs. 13 & 14) ______________________________________ 5. What effect do these emotional mechanisms have in your life? 6. What can you do about this? ______________________________________ Fig.13 _______________________________________ A LIST OF ATTACHMENTS 1. Make a list of the persons, objects, substances, situations, events or activities which you feel or believe you need to have in order to feel happy, secure, affirmed, worthy or, in general, satisfied with your self and your life. In order to understand whether you are attached to some degree to each possible stimulus, imagine that you do not have it and try to determine how you would feel; whether you would feel insecure, or demeaned or deprived. Try to discover exactly why you need each of those and what you believe that you will not have if you do not have that being, object, substance of event, activity etc.
THAT WHICH I NEED WHAT I WILL MISS IF LIST THE SITUATIONS WHERE YOU LOSE BEING/ OBJECT/ I DO NOT HAVE THAT YOUR COMPOSURE, LOVE, HAPPINESS, SITUATION / ( SECURITY, HAPPINESS HARMONY OR SECURITY SUBSTANCE/ MEANINGFULNESS ACTIVITY SELF WORTH, PLEASURE?) 1. Make a list of cases when you lose any of the above feelings. These could be in relation to other people, to life __________________________________ in general or to yourself only. __________________________________ __________________________________ EVENT/SITUATION/ I FEEL THESE __________________________________ CASE EMOTIONS __________________________________ __________________________________ __________________________________ __________________________________ __________________________________ __________________________________ __________________________________ __________________________________ __________________________________ __________________________________ __________________________________ 2. Now encircle the attachments from which you would __________________________________ like to free yourself from at this stage of your life. __________________________________ __________________________________ 3. Why would you like to get free from those attachments? __________________________________ __________________________________ ______________________________________ Fig. 14 __________________________________ __________________________________ DETERMINING THE CAUSE AND SOLUTION 2. Circle the case which you would first like to deal more positively. We now want to decide on the most important beliefs 3. What is the lesson you could learn here? 4. Which beliefs and thought patterns obstruct you from which need to be changed and how we would like to express our new opposite belief. Although we may help in being centered in these situations?
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this process the ultimate word as to the way a phrase should be expressed must lie with the person who will be using it. Some, however, will be so lost in their old thoughtforms, that they will be incapable of imagining or expressing the opposite positive belief. We as objective outsiders may need to help them at first, but without forcing our perception or way of expression on them. The following questionnaire can be used as a guide for creating the positive belief which we want to strengthen. (fig. 15) __________________________________ PREPARATION FOR POSITIVE PROJECTION AND LIBERATION FROM NEGATIVE THOUGHTFORMS 1. What lesson do you believe you need to learn at this phase of your life so that you may experience more tranquility, happiness, love and unity with others? Which beliefs will you need to transform in order to learn that lesson (or lessons)? 2. From your self-analysis in general until now, which do you believe are the main beliefs which are causing your negative feelings, (perhaps undermining your sense of security and self worth or your sense of freedom)? 3. Which beliefs do you need to change so as to maintain your calmness, your happiness, love and feelings of unity when confronted with the same stimuli which until now have caused you to experience negative feelings?
now inside of yourself, what has changed in your relationship to others? How is your life different now? What do you do which is different? What have you stopped doing because you do not need that any more? What are you doing now that you are free of obstacles? How do you feel towards yourself, towards others? ______________________________________ Fig. 15 Answering this questionnaire will leave us with a positive phrase and a vision of ourselves, as to how we will be, when we have changed. This vision, however, must be expressed or imagined as in the present. Such a phrase and vision can be developed for each separate problem. Experience, however, will gradually show us that the same basic core beliefs lie behind almost all of our problems. The deeper we go in the discovery of core beliefs, the more we realize that they are universal and all encompassing and are affecting us on all levels. We initially think we have a number of different problems and eventually realize that there is actually one core belief behind all our problems. These main core beliefs have to do with doubts that we have about our security, self worth and freedom. These then are based on the most basic core belief that we are these separate bodies and personalities and thus vulnerable and in danger. Integral to these core beliefs too is the belief that life is difficult and that the people and animals around us are dangerous to us. All problems ultimately come back to these basics. For this reason, it is natural that most problems are solved with similar positive thoughts and visions.
4. Why do you want to change these beliefs; to learn these POSITIVE PROJECTION - After settling down into a lessons? What are the negative results they create in state of relaxation where the conscious mind comes into your life, inside of you and in relation to others? contact with the subconscious we can begin to project into the subconscious the positive thoughts and images which 5. Now create a phrase which expresses the fact that we would like to strengthen. you are free (in the present tense) from these beliefs and There are many methods for doing this. We will describe that you have learned the lesson. one here. (fig. 16) _______________________________________ 6. Now make this phrase more essential by expressing it GUIDELINES FOR POSITIVE positively and not negatively. THOUGHT PROJECTION It must not contain words like I must, I want to, I hope to or I will... (This is adapted from the technique taught It must be expressed in the present. by the Silva Mind Control Groups) Examples: Negative: a) I want not to worry when others reject me. More Positive: b) I want to accept myself when others A. The body position- sit straight with the muscles comfortable and relaxed reject me. More Positive: c) I want to accept myself regardless of B. The surroundings should be protected from how others see me. Even More Positive: d) I love and accept myself regardless disturbances. If alone, disconnect the telephone. Better to be alone unless others are also participating with you. of the opinions of other people. Final: e) I love and accept myself in every C. The technique situation. 1. Take 5 to 10 slow deep breaths 7. Now write a description of how you will be after having 2. Now take three deep breaths, hold your breath while changed these beliefs and after you have learned the lesson. This, however, should be written in the first person focusing on the forehead, and then while exhaling the first as if this state is already a present reality. How are you time, imagine the number three flash in the mind three
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times. Then do the same with the number two three times and then the number one three times. 3. Check the body and relax the parts which are not completely relaxed.
__________________________________ Fig. 16 SOME GUIDELINES CONCERNING POSITIVE PROJECTION
4. Count backwards from 10 to 1. With each number feel your body and mind falling inward into a 1. It is preferable to envision our own character transformation rather than imagining the people and deeper and deeper state of relaxation. world around us changing as we would like it to be. In this 5. Imagine that you are in a place in nature (real way we prepare ourselves to be capable of handling any or imaginary) where you feel even more peaceful and types of events, rather than trying to change the events. relaxed. 2. When we want to help others, it is best to simply send 6. If this is the first time you are performing this them love and light without specifying what exactly must technique for changing a specific negative thought form, happen for them. We can allow the divine light to then create a mirror in your mind where you see your decide what is best for the souls evolutionary process. negative thought form - your negative belief - or your self 3. Be regular in projecting these positive thoughts and as you were but would not like to be anymore. images. Once a day is mandatory, but better even would 7. Now smash this mirror into pieces and see the old be twice or three times a day. Those who have serious thought form totally destroyed. Never to be created again. health problems should consider doing this five times a (thus when doing this after the first time with each specific day. subject which you want to change or work on, you will never recreate the mirror, but will bypass parts 6 and 7 4. People tune into their inner reality in varying ways. Some are visual and see in their minds as clearly as we see and go directly from no. 5 to no. 8.) with our eyes. Others imagine without actually seeing it. 8. Now bring to mind your positive affirmation Still others feel the energy or emotions related to those which you would like to program into your subconscious images. Others, still, function acoustically by hearing the phrases or ideas in their minds. mind. Keeping this in mind, when we guide others into deep a. Repeat it mentally three times, feeling it and letting relaxation and ask that they connect to these positive realities, we will have to express ourselves in a way which it pass deeply within you. does not limit the other. We can offer all these possibilities b. Now repeat it three more times mentally imaging simultaneously as we guide the other interchanging words that you are declaring this truth to your family members like see, feel, experience, sense, hear these words, images who are all sitting in front of you. Imagine that they accept - realities. Or we can work through each process separately. and affirm your phrase. a. First repeat the phrase in various ways, imagining c. Imagine now announcing your phrase three times others listening to us as described above. to a large audience. b. Then feel the reality. Feel self-confidence. Feel selfd. Now repeat it mentally three more times imagining that you are shouting it with such power that it is heard acceptance. throughout the universe. Imagine your mental shout c. Now visualize, see self, and imagine self as would reaching the far reaches of the universe. like to be. 9. Now imagine your vision - your new positive THE MAIN SUBJECTS CONCERNING WHICH thought form of your self as you would like you be. WE MAY WANT TO TRANSFORM BELIEFS As you will be when you have changed your beliefs system. Imagine however that you are that way now already. Together you can decide to which of these matters you 10. Imagine yourself with inner security and self- want to give the most importance at this stage of the confidence in all situations. Imagine yourself feeling growth process. These will be explained in more detail peaceful, comfortable and loving with all persons, later. including your self. 1. Getting free from unpleasant emotions which limit 11. Create positive images concerning any other our happiness or effective functioning. subjects which are important to you. 2. The transformation of our character traits. (from 12. Slowly count from 1 to 5 returning to waking your work on the preparation of a positive thought form based on how you would like to see yourself. How you consciousness.
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would like to be.) 3. Freeing ourselves from fears: (which fears?) 4. Projecting a more positive and loving relationship with someone. With whom? 5. Contact with our inner child. VARIOUS WAYS IN WHICH THESE BELIEFS CAN BE INTRODUCED TO THE SUBCONSCIOUS 1. Together, you can make a cassette with the messages which are to be introduced while the subject is deeply relaxed. You will need first to agree on: a. The most compatible method of relaxation for that person?
b. The length of time which he is willing to give to this process daily? There is not sense in making a long cassette which he will not use. 2. Subliminal cassettes with the same messages can be made, by speaking the messages onto one cassette and c. Which messages he would like to strengthen - then combining three cassette players and one sound write them so that you are sure of their expression? mixer. You mix the messages with the music or nature sounds of your choice in the following way. Bring the d. What images he wants to strengthen? volume of the messages up enough so that you can clearly hear them, and then raise the intensity of the music so that e. Whether the exercise will be done in a sitting it covers the messages. Thus, if the music was not there, position or lying or both? you would hear the messages. The theory is that these messages which you cannot consciously hear, pass directly f. Who will speak these messages into the cassette; into your subconscious thus bypassing filtration by the the person himself or the facilitator? There are advantages conscious mind. Play these cassettes as you play any other to both. It is most powerful for the individual to hear his allowing the music and messages to flow into you. own voice expressing these truths in the first person. But if he is not yet convinced about these truth, the facilitator 3. Any of the previous cassettes can be played while you may be more effective as he may be able to express them are sleeping, so that the messages flow into your more convincingly. subconscious. There are a few options. a. Play one of these cassettes when you are ready to g. In which person the phrases are going to be sleep and listen to it as you are falling asleep. expressed. First person phrases are expressed as " I accept b. Connect your tape player to a timed electrical switch and love myself as I am. " Second person " Now, so that your cassette starts playing about a half hour after experience acceptance and love for your self as you are." you have fallen asleep or about one hour before you wake Or third person, " Mary accepts and loves herself as she in the morning. is." or "Your inner child now experiences self acceptance and security as it is." 4. Place signs in your daily environments so that you see these messages frequently. Design them with images It is possible that one might occasionally change the which inspire you. Place them in your bedroom, bathroom, person in which he speaking, if this comes naturally. kitchen, car and place of work. Once we have established these details, we need to find a quite room where we will not be disturbed. Best close 5. Expressing these phrases to another person can the doors and windows and disconnect any telephones. be very powerful in dissipating the old crystallized beliefs. Inform any others in the same house that you would not Find someone you feel comfortable with and look into his like to be disturbed. If the facilitator is going to make the eyes and express your phrases feeling what you are saying cassette, then the subject should lie comfortably and cover and noticing any obstacles which you may feel. Let those himself / herself if necessary. obstacles dissolve as you continue repeating the phrase. It is best to use an external microphone rather than a This exercise can be done between the facilitator and built in one, because the later picks up a lot of motor noise person seeking support. The person expresses his positive and cannot be close enough to your mouth. Make a one phrases over and over to the facilitator as they look into minute trail run to test your voice speaking at a the level each others eyes. which you intend to guide the other. Your voice will
probably fall even lower than that intensity as you relax your self in the process. Once you guide the subject through the relaxation process, start to introduce the various phrases and visions as described in the projection techniques above. It is very likely that as you are in the process of inspiration that other phrases and messages might come to you. Without getting carried away, allow yourself to flow with these inspirations. Also there are a wide variety of ready made cassettes available for general purposes such as self acceptance, self confidence, forgiveness, self healing, increasing love, improving relationships, improving learning abilities, improving health, focusing on the divine, overcoming overeating or smoking etc. When it is not possible to make a personal cassette, then these are the next best solution. If we do not have time, in the beginning, to make a personal cassette, we can suggest that the subject listens to one of these ready-made cassettes until a personal one can be created.
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6. Our old and new beliefs or emotions can be depicted visually by drawing them. The quality of the drawing is not important. What is important is that we can externally objectify these emotions or beliefs. In this way, we become separated from the old belief, seeing it objectively as something separate from us, while simultaneously we connect with the positive image which represents the new positive belief we are cultivating. We can then place the image of the positive belief somewhere where we can see it frequently. This process can be more easily executed after performing
the techniques called the Transformation of the Emotion, which we will explain later. 7. We can dance our old and new emotions in ways which release the old and simultaneously connect us physically with our new positive emotion. We call this technique Parametamorphosis, and we will discuss in a later chapter. 8. We can use psychodrama in order to ingrain our positive phrases more deeply, through movements and
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CHAPTER 10 WRITTEN AFFIRMATIONS

Our present thoughts and feelings are largely determined by the multitude of impressions and messages which we received as children. We are programmed like computers, which then blindly repeat and recreate exactly what they have been programmed to. Just as our minds have been formed through repetition, they can be cleared, and then reformed, by the same power of repetition. Written positive affirmations are an excellent way to reprogram the mind. They serve a dual function. On the one hand they are a diagnostic tool and one other a therapeutic technique. Let us see how we can apply one of these positive affirmations techniques. We take a sheet of paper and divide it in the center with a vertical line. On the left we write above AFFIRMATION and on the right RESPONSE. Then on the left we begin to write the affirmation which we are interested in cultivating in our subconscious mind. Some examples are: 1. I love and accept myself in every situation. 2. I love and accept myself exactly as I am. 3. I feel safe and secure in every situation. negative (see the example given). When our mind stops responding with situations in which we do, or do not, feel these feelings, which we are trying to program into our subconscious, then we write the same affirmation again in the left column, and again we try to feel and accept into ourselves what we are writing. Again we wait for, and write our responses in the right column. In this way we write the affirmation in full, without ditto marks or abbreviations, a total of twenty times, stopping each time to write our responses in the right column. SOME HINTS Some guidelines which come to mind after years of experience with this invaluable technique are: 1. Do not hesitate to write the same response more than once if it keeps coming up over and over. This will be an important clue in your self-diagnosis process. 2. If no answers come to you as you write the affirmation, do not terminate the exercise until you write the affirmation the full twenty times. You may have no answer during four or five repetitions and then, suddenly, experience a free flow of responses from the subconscious.
4. I feel sure and confident in every environment and 3. Be as honest as you can with yourself. You have situation. everything to gain and nothing to loose, except your illusions and suffering. These are some general affirmations which should be used at first in order to discover our various 4. There is no specific number of responses which inner obstacles toward feeling self-confidence, security, you should have after writing each affirmation. The self love and self acceptance and then, as a consequence, number of responses is not limited. You could have none our love for others. Without the previously mentioned and you could have more than fifty. inner qualities it is difficult to really love someone unconditionally, because our insecurity and need for THE DIAGNOSIS external approval and recognition, continuously obstruct our ability to feel unity with those around us. Thus we Once you have written one of these basic affirmations first work with these basic affirmations which focus on twenty times, at each session, for a number of days, you our common weak points; security and self-affirmation. will then want to analyze and discover the root beliefs, which obstruct a more continuous and permanent We select the affirmation which seems most important feeling of inner security and self worth. As this process for us to cultivate at this present time, and we write it in proceeds, you will see that behind this variety of external the left column once. Once we have written it, we then stimuli and situations, which intimidate our happiness think about it and try to feel what we have written. We and inner peace, the same root beliefs keep remember ourselves in various situations, and various cropping up. This is because we depend almost examples come to our mind, concerning when we exclusively on others, and on various external factors, for actually do feel secure of self-accepting, and when we do our feelings of inner security and self-worth. Thus we are not. We write all of these responses in the right very vulnerable and continuously loosing our emotional column. Some of them will be positive and some will be center.
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school of life and accept our weakness and faults, but (Before reading the next paragraph, study the sample simultaneously attend to transcending them, so that we affirmations in fig. 17) can move on to the upper grades in this cosmic school. Thus, concerning the second category of responses (for THE ANALYSIS OF THE RESULTS example 6,8,9,10,12 and 15), we want to recognize and accept that we have these weaknesses, but As you can see there are two basic types of answers to simultaneously search for the beliefs which prevent us the affirmation concerning our feelings of self- from behaving in a way which is in more harmony with acceptance. One category is that which has to do with our conscience. When we can discover the beliefs which how we appear to others and how we compare to force us to become egotistical, to tell lies, or to harm others. The following responses fall into that category: people, then we will gradually become free from the 1,2,3,4,5,7,16,17,18,19,20, and 21. In these cases we cause of our weaknesses and move on in our spiritual want to analyze why we cannot accept ourselves maturity process. just as we are, regardless of what others think or how we compare to others. PERSONAL AFFIRMATIONS The second category has to do with situations in which we do not live in accordance with our conscience, or self-expectations. In such cases we would like to avoid rejecting ourselves and thus getting into a vicious circle of guilt, self-rejection and then imprisonment in the very behavior which causes our self-rejection. We tend to prolong our subjugation to weaknesses and selfdestructive behaviors when we reject ourselves for them. This is true for the reason that our poor self image is usually that which causes our original inability to live up to our conscience. Most of our negative behavior is the result of our self-doubt. Thus when we reject ourselves for this negative behavior we simply increase the original cause of it. Once we discover the root beliefs, which grow into the tree of our illusionary perceptions of ourselves and the world, we can then begin the process of uprooting this tree and planting a new one, based on a more positive belief system. We do this by adapting our original basic affirmation to the specific situations which we have found to be our particular weaknesses. These are called personal affirmations. For example: 1. I feel safe and secure even when I cannot control those around me. 2. I accept and love myself even when I make a mistake.
3. I accept and love myself even when I am not perfect. When someone is dirty he doesn't care about getting dirtier. When one has just taken a shower and has put on 4. I love and accept myself independently of what clean white clothing, he seeks to avoid anything which others think of me. will soil him. Thus when we feel impure, we much more easily have contact with actions which soil us. When 5. I feel safe and secure regardless of my economic we believe in, and feel, our inherent purity, then we are situation. much more conscious to avoid becoming soiled. Thus it is useful to accept even these weaknesses as a natural 6. I feel safe and secure regardless of the condition of phase in our process of evolution, with the my health. understanding that we will be moving on from that stage, as we grow in inner strength and clarity. 7. I feel safe and secure even if I am alone. Some ask the question, But if I accept myself with these weaknesses and faults, what motive will I have to change them? It is necessary to understand that growth, inner searching and self-improvement are natural human instincts which, when unobstructed, motivate a continuous process of change and improvement. If you ask a first grader if he accepts himself at his present level of relative understanding and ability, he will most likely answer yes. He is satisfied with himself as he is. He perceives it as natural to be limited in his understanding and abilities since he is only a first grader. However, if you ask him whether he would like to remain in the first grade next year, or for a number of years or permanently, he will answer with an emphatic NO. Thus we can recognize ourselves as first graders in the 8. I feel safe and secure in the dark. 9. I accept and love myself regardless of the results of my efforts. We can also use affirmations to free our positive feelings towards others: 1. I love and accept others independently of their behavior. 2. I love and accept others regardless of their weaknesses of imperfections. 3. I love and accept others even when they are unable to fulfill my expectations. All of these personalized affirmations, whether
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AFFIRMATION
1. I love and accept myself in every situation. 1. Not when I make a mistake. 2. I love and accept myself in every situation. productive. 3. I love and accept myself in every situation. expectations. 4. I love and accept myself in every situation. 12. Not when I am selfish. 5. I love and accept myself n every situation. moment. 6. I love and accept myself in every situation. 15. Yes when I love others. 16. Not when others reject me. 17. Not when others ignore me. 18. Not when others do not respect me. 19. Not when I do not have a mate.
RESPONSE
1. Not when I make a mistake. 2. Not when others criticse me. 3. Yes, when I succeed at something. 4. Not when others are more intelligent. 5. Yes, when I am clear minded and productive 6. Not when I harm others. 7. Yes, when I receive love and attention from others. 8. Not when I do not live up to my expectations. 9. Not when I tell lies. 10. Yes, when I wake up early. 11. Not when I succumb to my weakness. 12. Not when I am selfish. 13. Yes, when I serve others. 14. Yes, when I am focused on the present moment. 15. Yes, when I love others. 16. Not when others reject me. 17. Not when others ignore me. 18. Not when others do not repect me. 19. Not when I do not have a mate. 20. Not when I am ill. 21. Not when I am weak or show weakness. 22. Not when I fear things there is no reason to fear. 23. Not when I think that God sees me. 24. Yes, when I feel close to nature.
7. I love and accept myself in every situation.
20. I love and accept myself in every situation.
FIVE REASONS WHY I ACCEPT AND LOVE MYSELF 1. Because I care for others 2. Because I try my best. 3. Because I learn easily. 4. Because I am faithful in my relationships. 5. Because I love nature.
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directed towards ourselves or others, are applied in c. I have the right to express how I feel without getting exactly the same way as the basic affirmations we angry or losing the love of others. mentioned earlier. They are written twenty times in the left column, pausing each time and writing all of our 7. Not when a make a mistake. responses in the right column, before proceeding to write a. I feel safe and secure even when I make a mistake. the affirmation again in the left column. b. I use my mistakes to learn to grow. Continuing in this way we can narrow in, more and more specifically, on the basic belief which prevents a 8. Yes, I actually feel more secure everyday in every more continuous feeling of peace and unity with way. ourselves and others. By writing these affirmations on a ==================================== daily basis, we can reprogram these false beliefs about fig. 18 our selves and the world with these new positive truths. Some more affirmations which one could use are: Let us now look at a similar example concerning the general affirmation, "I feel safe and secure in every 1. I feel safe and secure in every situation. situation" and the personal affirmations which might be generated from our results. 2. I accept and love myself completely in all situations. From this sample affirmation & response sheet we can 3. I do not need the approval of others to be happy. see some of the possible responses which might come up to the affirmation I feel safe and secure in every 4. I can handle whatever life presents me. situation. Each of these responses can then give birth to other personal affirmations which can reprogram these 5. I forgive myself for my ignorant reactions to people. objections, so as to fully believe that one can feel safe and secure in every situation. Let us look at a few examples. 6. I forgive others for their ignorant behavior towards ===================================== me. 1. Not when others do not show me love or approval. 7. I see myself and others as evolving spiritual beings Some affirmations to counter this would be: and not as personalities. a. I feel safe and secure even when others do not show me love and approval. 8. I have the right to say no without fearing to lose the b. I always feel loved and approved of. others love. c. I love and approve of myself always. 9. Others have the right to say no to me without hurting 2. Not during earthquakes. me. a. I feel safe and secure even during earthquakes. b. I will be guided from within through every danger. 10. I am responsible for the reality I experience. c. I am an immortal, indestructible spirit. 11. I have everything I need at every moment to be 3. Not when others know more than I about some happy. subject. a. I feel safe and secure even when others know more 12. Life's experiences are exactly what I need in order to than me about a subject. grow more aware. b. I love and accept myself regardless of what I know or do not know. 13. I can succeed in any endeavor which is important enough to me. 4. Not when I am ill. a. I feel safe and secure even when my body is ill. 14. I am lovable, and therefore, love others. b. I am resistant to all illness. c. I am a spirit beyond all illness. 15. I love others and myself regardless of their feelings. 5. Not when I think of money. a. I feel safe and secure even when I think of money. b. My power to earn grows each and every day. c. Live gives me exactly what I need to be happy and fulfilled. Thus we can see that the affirmation I feel safe and secure in every situation, will bring to the surface of the mind both those situations in which we have felt secure and those in which we have not felt secure in the past. We can use this to our advantage, to uncover those negative memories which undermine our feeling of security in the 6. Not when my husband drives wildly. present and future. By seeing that we are letting our a. I feel safe and secure even if my husband drives present and future be controlled by the past, we can wildly. realize that our insecurity is not rational and is based on b. Live gives me exactly what I need. a few negative past experiences rather than on the
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present situation. 10. The child was told that it was evil for some type of You may create any affirmations which you feel may behavior. help you to reprogram negative feelings or habits. Make the affirmations in your own words and let them be as 11. The child was called all kinds of demeaning names short and to the point as possible. Write and repeat them and adjectives. as many times as possible each day for the best results. 12. The child did not do well at school. WASHING OUR MINDS 13. The child felt rejected because of physical or mental You may feel that you are brainwashing your self and characteristics which made him different from others. that you are trying to convince yourself of something that is not true. What you must realize is that your brain 14. The parents punished the child frequently. needs washing, because it is deeply soiled by false truths and misconceptions, which you have inherited 15. There was no dialogue with the parents. from your parents, teachers, siblings, friends, and society in general. It is not true that you are weak or unable or In most of these cases the child formed the conclusion unsafe. This is an illusion. It is not true that you are that he is not worthy, not lovable, not capable of unworthy of love and respect. These are misconceptions succeeding. He rejected himself, and these feelings and taken in by a child who did not receive unconditional beliefs became deeply seated in the subconscious. When love from those around him. he grows up, even though he receives many forms of We misconceive and misinterpret many events in our affirmation concerning his worthiness, acceptability and childhood. I have seen adults who have come to the capabilities, his subconscious remains programmed by conclusion that they do not deserve love, respect or his mistaken conclusions, formed in response to the affection because: earlier experiences. Although consciously he recognizes that people around him love and accept him, and that he 1. Their parents abandoned them as children. is actually safe and secure, he remains plagued by feelings of self-doubt and fear. 2. Their parents worked many hours and did not have time for them. FIVE REASONS WHY 3. Their parents had emotional problems and released Thus these written affirmations are essential for their negativity on the children. rooting out these false perceptions and replacing them with these objectively positive truths. In order to 4. The parents separated and the child felt responsible. strengthen and deepen this new positive attitude one can employ another technique which is quite related. 5. The parent was unable to express affection. We complete our written affirmations by writing five 6. The parent became ill or died and the child felt reasons why we accept and love ourselves, or why we responsible. feel safe and secure. Thus each day we write five reasons why we should be accepting and loving ourselves or 7. The parent died and the child interpreted this as feeling safe and secure. voluntary abandonment. Remember the written affirmations focus on when we 8. The parents were always fighting, the child did not feel, or do not feel, these emotions and this last exercise experience love. focuses on why we could be feeling more positive. 9. A teacher ridiculed the child in front of others. You may or may not find new reasons each day
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CHAPTER 11 GOING DEEPER

Until now, except for some superficial active listening, we have simply tried to booster the subject by raising his energy and helping him to think more positively. In some few cases, we may also have had to employ emotional release techniques because he was too overcharged with emotions in order for us to successfully employ techniques designed to gain clarity on what he is feeling, and why. If we feel that the individual is has absorbed to a sufficient degree the techniques and analysis which we have mentioned until now, we are then ready to move on to search for the deeper core beliefs and their causes. In most cases, it is preferable to start off with written work rather than regressions to childhood years. A written more intellectual approach rather than an experiential one allows us to approach the various hidden feelings and experiences in a more subtle and gentle way, as we do not bypass the natural intellectual "denial" mechanisms which help us maintain our emotional balance. Having established to some extent the stimuli, emotions, beliefs and reactions, we now move on to search for those events of the past which has created those beliefs and emotional mechanisms. have created those beliefs. Every time we analyze ourselves in this way, we lessen the power that mechanism has over us. These reflex emotional reactions can exist only as long as they work unconsciously. Once we make become conscious, they gradually loose their power. For this reason, it is important to analyze each important event in written form for at least the first two years of selfanalysis. Many people say, "why should I write it again? I have done so many times. It is the same old mechanism which I analyzed yesterday or last week." The fact that the mechanism is still working indicates that we are not yet free, that we need help. Our first step is to make it conscious. By writing each and every time it shows its head we will then gradually observe it when it is happening. At first, although we see it, we will not be able to stop it. Then gradually we will be able to chose another way of thinking, feeling and reacting in the middle of this reflex action, before it completes itself. Then eventually we will function from our new beliefs and emotions even before the reflex action has time to appear.
There are a variety of other techniques which can help Some people get disappointed after a few attempts and us with this process: give up the effort. We must realize that these mechanisms have developed within us as race for thousands of years. 1. The first and most simple method for going deeper is They are deeply ingrained in our subconscious. Some will to keep a diary, in which we record the most important fall away quickly after only a few attempts. Others will take emotions, thoughts and reactions of the day. This will many years to transform. We need to cultivate the three enable us to see ourselves more objectively. This objectivity Ps : Practice, Patience and Perseverance. We must will be greatly enhanced if we write in the 3rd person, preserver in our practice with patience concerning the using our name (Mary, George) or the pronoun "he" or results. "she". This will allow us to stand apart from our subjective experience and see and describe it from a clearer 3. The next step will be to answer the appropriate viewpoint. questionnaires concerning the issue which one is working In this way, we will gradually perceive our repeating on. In this book you will find a number of questionnaires. patterns of behavior and the games we play with our selves Many more will be found in the workbooks for the and others. These observations can be discussed with the seminars called SELF-KNOWLEDGE and LOVE AND facilitator, who will seek to support the individual in each WISDOM. case to discover the deeper emotions and beliefs creating As your experience increases, you will be able to make the unpleasant experience. up your own questionnaires for each individual according Keeping a diary is essential to person who seeks self- to his needs. knowledge or freedom from self imposed limitations on Questions trigger a conscious and subconscious happiness or love. searching for the truth and understanding. Questionnaires are an excellent means of self-discovery and self2. The next step for this individual is to learn to analyze knowledge. his most important emotional events with the help of the Answering questionnaires should be taken seriously and squares for analysis. He or she can take the experience performed in the appropriate place and given ample time. and placing it onto the diagram, break it up into stimulus, Only in this way can we go deeply. One should work on emotion, belief and reaction. If one can also remember them in a place where he or she will not be disturbed and experiences of the past which have created those beliefs, at a time when one can dedicate a good continuous block he then place them to the right of the box holding the of time. beliefs with an arrow towards that box showing that they This, however, should not be an excuse for not working
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on them at all. Even a little is better than not at all. In such a case, however, one should register in his mind, that he not finished with this questionnaire, but that he has simply worked on it superficially until he has time to give the attention it deserves. Questionnaires have their greatest effect when we can do a retreat for a day or two and dedicate all our energy to that process. 4. Once we have established specific emotions which are disturbing our happiness, peace or love, we can cultivate the idea of that emotion (such as fear, anger, hurt jealousy, depression, guilt) as a being separate from us. This can first be done by drawing the emotion and thus externalizing it. Thus we are verifying that we are something separate from this emotion. This separation becomes even clearer when we then write a letter to the emotion, expressing how we feel about it and what we would ask from it. An alternative to writing a letter to the emotion would be writing a letter to the part of our selves (perhaps the inner child) which has the tendency to feel that emotion. Thus we could write to our fear or to the part of our selves which fears. This establishes two very important points. The first is that we are not our fear, and secondly that there is a large part of ourselves which does not fear, which is writing to the part which fears. This is an important process. All of us have all these emotions. Some, however, are controlled by them and destroy their lives with them, while others are able to express them in constructive, or at least, less destructive ways. We do not consider repression or denying their existence as a viable solution. The following diagram may help us to understand this.
ratio of the size of the emotion in relationship to the whole. This allows us to function more effectively without denying or suppressing the existence of the emotion. Although, at first such communication might consist of anger or rejection towards those emotions or parts of our selves, our experience shows us that these parts of our selves need the opposite. These parts of our being which feel hurt, fear, anger, jealousy actually need our love and acceptance. Thus, after an initial communication in which we allow any resentment which has accumulated towards these emotions be released, our emphasis should eventually be on understanding, accepting and loving those parts of our selves which, out of ignorance and programming, feel this way. This process may seem to conflict with the methods of Body Centered release which we will explain further on. It is true that some people may, in this way, hide or deny their emotions, but if these techniques is properly applied, there will be no conflict and we will be able to alternately immerse ourselves in our emotions so that we can release them and at other times observe them objectively from outside. In both cases, we recognize and accept them.
5. Another technique is to write the story of our childhood years. This can be written in the first person, but even better in the third person, as if we are chronicling the life of some other person. This enables us to be more objective and honest in our observations. You will discover patterns of behavior which you tend to repeat over and over through the years. You will find the earlier experiences, which have marked your subconscious mind and programmed you to feel the way you do today, even though you see no logical reason at this time to feel and act in that way. This life story need not be in chronological order. You can add each day whatever you remember. The first comment made by many people is, " I dont THE MIND FIELD remember anything before the age of ten. How will I do this?" This is no problem. As one starts to write the subconscious will be aroused and memories will start flowing forth. The more we write, the more the memories A B C D will be awakened. Placing old photographs before you as you write will help, as will asking parents, uncles, aunts and older brothers and sisters what they can remember. You do not Fig. 19 need to accept their interpretation of the past, but their words may trigger other memories. The large circle represent a persons total conscious. The Best results will be obtained if we dedicated at least 20 smaller black circle in the center represents the portion of minutes daily to the process for at least three months. that total consciousness which is occupied by a particular emotion. In case A the emotion is a small phenomenon in 6. After writing this story of your life, you can then write that persons total consciousness. He might feel a slight letters to those who have played major roles in insecurity or annoyance. In case B the emotion has grown strengthening or undermining your feelings of selfand is occupying a greater portion of the mind space. He confidence and self-acceptance. By writing to these now feels a slight fear or resentment. In C the emotion has persons as equals, and expressing all of the feelings which grown and now he is now feeling fear and anger. In case you felt during those early years, you begin to regain your D all of his mind field is occupied by this emotion and he lost power and positive self-image. You need not give these is overcome with panic or rage. He is now our of control, letters to those people. his emotions are in control and he is not. They may, even, have departed from the physical plane, By writing to these emotions or to the parts of our elves but they still live in your subconscious and inhibit the full which feel those emotions, we necessarily decrease the manifestation of your inner beauty and capabilities. As you
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write these letters, express all of your feelings and thoughts, negative and positive, exactly as you felt them at each age about which you are writing. Do not write about how you interpret these events now, but rather how you felt them in those younger years, when those events were your present reality. This is important if your really want to succeed in freeing your subconscious. These letters should be open letters so that you can keep adding memories and the emotions and thoughts, as you remember more and more with the passage of time. 7. Such letters may become a stimulus to write letters to other persons with whom we now have even greater contact, such as our spouse or children or friends. Often we will find when we start to write to these persons who are now more active in our lives, that we are simply repeating the same situations which we experienced with
our parents or others from our childhood years. It is an obvious truth that the problems we have with our spouse and children and perhaps with friends or employer or coworkers are simply projections of the problems we experienced as children. Thus very frequently a person who has come for help with his spouse or child will find himself writing letters to his parents, because it becomes clear that if he does not clear up his feelings towards his parents, he will not be able to heal his relationship with his spouse or child. With the above techniques we begin to understand more clearly our inner world of feelings and beliefs, while we simultaneously initiate the processes of expression and transformation. In the next few chapters we will discuss how we may further facilitate exactly these two processes of expression
Chapter 12 Releasing Emotions
This chapter will be presented and employed in stage V concerning work with the subconscious and catharsis
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CHAPTER 13
HANDLING EMOTIONS IN THE PRESENT

It may take some time before some emotions can be transformed or transcended. Thus it will be beneficial to 10. Selfless service towards others in need. be aware of various ways of handling those emotions in the present so that they do not accumulate creating 11. Daily positive thought projection. problems in our bodies and relationships, perhaps even in our work. ______________________________________ Fig. 24 We must, however, remember that such techniques do not constitute a permanent solution, but rather a temporary 1. The breath is a very powerful and effective key to the solution for keeping our balance and harmony. We present nervous system, energy and the mind. Learning to control you with this chart (fig. 24) so that you might locate more the breath, allows us to develop control over tension which easily the method which might help you or another. As might be accumulating in the muscles. As we relax these most techniques described are clear enough we will add muscles, the energy flows and the mind also relaxes. Many of these techniques of breath control are described in the only a few explanations in addition. _______________________________________ book Self-Therapy and a plentiful number of books on Hatha Yoga. COPING EMOTIONS IN THE PRESENT A simple technique for handling tension is to inhale slowly and deeply, hold the breath for about 5 to 7 seconds as we 1. Breathing and releasing: inhale hold the breath for 5 to focus on the area where the tension is accumulating, and 7 seconds, relaxing the areas which are tensed. Exhale then as we exhale, feel that tension flowing out with the letting go of all tension. exhalation. 2. Total bodily expression through dancing and other forms of movement. Some prefer music which expresses what they are feeling at the moment and others, music which connects them with other positive feelings. 3. Releasing emotions through crying, yawning, intense movement such as hitting a pillow, shouting etc. 4. Bring to mind the opposite positive emotion of the negative one which is bothering us. Not as a form of suppression of the negative, but rather as a cultivation of an alternative way of feeling and reacting. Each has his own opposite for a particular negative emotion. 5. The continuous repetition of a word, phrase, prayer or sound which brings our mind into a positive state. 6. Imagine that we are the other, and try to feel what he might be feeling in order to act in the way he is acting. 7. Channel our emotional energy in various ways such as crying, laughter, work, play etc. 2. All forms of creative expression are healing and very effective in bringing into harmony again with us. Dancing, drawing, painting, singing, chanting, acting, writing, cooking, flower arranging and even cleaning or gardening or any other type of creative expression allow our energies to flow, breaking up the emotional energy blockages. We are simultaneously put in touch with our creative center which is directly associated with higher levels of our being. Creative activity also forces us to focus on the present, thus helping us to let go of the past and present which are the sources of our problem. Of all these forms of expression, perhaps dancing is the most immediate and powerful in its effect, as it needs no materials or special place and involves all the body and powerfully releases the emotional energy blockages as we move to the music. We can either dance to music which allows us to connect with the emotion we are feeling, exploring it and expressing it, or we can put on music which connects us to the opposite positive feelings and connect with those positive energies through moving to this music.
3. The technique described in the previous chapter for 8. Expressing our emotions through writing, in first or releasing emotions can be used at any time we can be third person. alone or with a person familiar with this process. We can sit or lie down, go inwards and feel our emotions and 9. Remember that life is a school, which gives me exactly where they are located in our bodies. We can accept those what i need at every moment in order to learn my next emotions and the phenomena which they create on the lessons on the path. physical and energy levels. We allow those phenomena
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and the emotions to expand and express themselves in any which is a point of reference in our lives. Each can chose way which they flow out. In some cases, where anger is his own phrase and point of reference. Some examples present, it may be useful to hit a pillow. might be: Words: love, peace, harmony, acceptance, light etc. 4. Bringing the opposite positive emotion to mind is Phrases: I am an eternal divine being. I am a child of an ancient technique which allows us to cultivate God. I am divine creation. I love and accept all alternative ways of feeling and reacting to situations. We unconditionally - including myself. I feel safe a secure in are not ignoring the presence of the other emotions, but every situation. All exists in a divine plan. are simply directly our attention to its positive opposite Prayers: Lord Jesus, Christ Have mercy on us. Loving for us, allowing that new positive "thought form" to grow Lord Jesus Christ we love you and we thank you. (One within us. It is like having a garden in which we have could also chant.) weeds and flowers. We are not saying here, imagine that The possibilities are limitless. Your choice can be repeated there are no weeds, but rather focus on the flowers, give as you walk, drive, do mechanical chores such as cleaning them water, and manure and sunlight and do not etc. strengthen the weeds by giving them water (attention). This technique may at times for certain people be in 6. When we are having conflict with another or are feeling contradiction with the previous one. The previous one asks hurt or angry, we can often gain insight and peace of mind us to focus on the negative and express it, while this one by putting ourselves in the others position. When asks us to focus on the positive opposite. Each will have to we can imagine how the other must be feeling in order to decide for himself which is most appropriate for himself act in the way he does, we gain understanding which in each situation. There will be situations in which we simultaneously reduces our feelings of hurt and our anger cannot easily tune into and express these negative and rejection towards the other. Both our pain and anger emotions. Also, we pass through various stages in our lives, are diminished through understanding. in which we have greater need for the one or the other way Basic to this process is the understanding that all negative of handling our emotions. human behavior is a result of ignorance of our true nature Each will have to find his own opposite to the unpleasant which leads to fear and then to all forms of selfemotion which is bothering him. This also may change centeredness and selfishness. from time to time. The opposite to fear at one time may Bring the other to mind and realize that behind his seem to be "courage" and at another, "faith" and at still behavior is a small fearful child whose has become totally another, "love". The opposite of anger may be peace, love, self centered in order to survive emotionally. He is insecure understanding, forgiveness, faith etc. We can allow and probably doubting his self worth. ourselves the freedom to flow each time with the particular opposite which presents itself in response to this exercise. 7. Channeling our emotional energy through various activities such as work, laughter, play in The exercise goes like this. addition to crying which we mentioned in number 3, are all ways which many people have already naturally found a. We ask ourselves what exactly we are feeling to keep their balance. Some of us over do it becoming and we search for a name for that emotion. workaholics or "laughers" with pain behind that mask of laughter. Balance is this solution. When we are immersed b. Once we have named it, we ask " what is the in some unpleasant emotion, working, cleaning up or opposite of this?" seeing a comedy can help change our mood. c. We then begin to repeat the name of the opposite emotion, allowing the mind to dwell on it, as we not only mentally repeat it, but also bring to mind the memory of that feeling as we have felt it in the past. d. We allow that new energy to flow through our body and mind. We might use our imagination and visualize ourselves feeling this new emotion and acting upon it. e. Then, as much as, possible we would do well to act on this new positive emotion. 5. Repeating a positive word, phrase or prayer is another ancient means of purifying and transforming the mind, and thus belongs to another category of techniques, which we would call spiritual exercises. On the other hand, this method is also very helpful for coping with emotions in the present. We focus the mind on the positive pole 8. Writing is a very effective way for most people to express, release and gain perspective on problematic emotions. Writing brings forth a higher part of our being which has greater objectivity and clarity. This clarity relaxes us and allows us to re-find our peace. Writing, of course, as we have already discussed is also a means of transformation. When we are stuck in an emotion, let us sit and simply start writing about what we are feeling, allowing our thoughts to flow freely onto the page in what is called flow of consciousness. The experience will be both releasing and clarifying. 9. Spiritual truths and logical thoughts can save us from much emotional pain. They free us from fears which then give birth to a wide variety of negative and painful emotions. Some of these thoughts are: a. We are all eternal souls in the process of evolution.
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10. Selfless service to those in need frees us from the source of all our pain, our ego centered life and c. Every event which occurs, happens in order to exaggerated importance we are giving to ourselves and facilitate that process of evolution. what we have and do not have. Each would do well to engage himself in some type of social service, in which he d. My lesson is to love all including myself can serve others seeking to make their lives happier. unconditionally. 11. The positive projection techniques which we e. Every problem is an opportunity to learn something discussed in an earlier chapter should be practiced on a and grow stronger. daily basis for best results. f. I change whatever I can and accept that which I These then are some ways in which we can handle cannot. emotions on a daily basis as they come up until we are able to transform our belief system so that they no longer gain
b. Life is a school in which we are learning.
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CHAPTER 14 LEARNING TO LOVE OUR SELVES

The main obstacle to emotional harmony is our doubt concerning our self worth, whether we are worthy of being loved, accepted and respected by those around us and by the Divine. This doubt is the cause of our greatest fears, of being rejected, laughed at, ignored, unloved, and most of all, of being alone. Loneliness is the disease of our age, and its cause is self-doubt. Fear of being alone is an ancient fear which comes from the fact that in that past, he who was not accepted was ostracized from the group. In those days that did not mean simply feeling lonely, but also not being able to survive. That safety and survival have become so associated with being with others is clearly evident in the strange phenomena that an individual who fears being alone in a house at night, might feel safer even with the presence small infant or even a cat, both of which are totally incapable of protecting him from any danger. Another factor which makes us fear rejection or not being accepted by others, is the fear of being punished by God. We have been brought up to believe in a God whose love is not unconditional, but rather depends on whether we are perfect in his eyes or not. We have learned that Gods love and protection are conditional, and that punishment results from His displeasure with us. We have also learned that our self worth is to be measured by what others think of us and whether they accept or respect us. As children, we have no idea concerning our self worth. We have no way of measuring it. We learn from the adults around us how we must measure this self worth such as by how others see us, the results of our actions, our appearance, how much money we have, how accepted we are by others etc. Then we receive messages from our parents and other important persons in our childhood years about whether and under what conditions we are good or worthy. These messages then create doubt about our selves and conditions upon our self-acceptance. Our lack of self-acceptance and doubt of our self worth then become our greatest obstacles to inner peace, harmonious communication and loving relationships. These self-doubts are the foundation of most of our negative emotions and relationship conflicts. If we had more self acceptance, we would have less need to prove ourselves to others, we would feel offended much less frequently, we would be able to overlook others negativity and be at peace with them regardless of their behavior. This subject is covered in more detail in the book Miracles of Love an Wisdom. The essence of the matter is that behind almost all negative emotions we will find self-doubt. For this reason, we are devoting this chapter towards aiding in the process of self-acceptance. This will be a useful aspect of this work at all its stages. Whether you are working on simple active listening, or increasing the energy, doing releasing work, or going deeper into the subconscious, in each case, working on self acceptance will be an important aspect of the work. Let us now look at how we can increase and stabilize our self-acceptance. The first step would be to discover in which situations we lose our sense of self worth or selfacceptance. This can be very clearly seen in our answers to the written affirmations in chapter 10. In those answers, we can see the basic conditions we place on our self-acceptance. What we discover in the answers to the written affirmations can be summed up into categories listed in this next questionnaire. ( Fig. 25) ____________________________________ OBSTACLES TO LOVING OURSELVES In which situations do you lose your sense of self-love, self-worth, self- esteem or self-acceptance? You might feel negative feelings such as alienation (from self and others) fear, insecurity, negativity, discomfort, aversion, repulsion, anxiety, bitterness, anger, hate, guilt, shame, worry, disillusionment (with self or others), frustration, jealousy, envy or any other unpleasant emotion. Note down some of the feelings which you might have in the following situations. 1. When others ask you for help and you do not say "yes". Or do not respond. 2. When you have made a mistake or have failed at some effort. 3. When others are more able than you at certain tasks or concerning certain qualities. ( ie. Intelligence, artistic ability, speech, sports, cooking,professional success, their childrens success, making friends, disciplines.) 4. When others attract more attention, esteem and respect in a group situation. 5. When others have offered more to you than you have offered to them. 6. When you are not perfect. 7. When others criticize you.
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8. When others do not agree with you. 9. When others are able to manipulate you. 10. When you have "created" pain for others.
unity and love in future even in such situations, or in the face of the same behavior? Or how could you free yourself from the beliefs which cause you lose your selflove?
5. What could you do to begin expressing love to your 11. When you are not in harmony with your conscience. self? In each of these cases A. How do you feel about your self? B. How do you feel towards the others? ___________________________________ Fig. 25 SOCIAL PROGRAMMING Once we have established the particular situations or stimuli which obstruct our feelings of self worth or self acceptance, we can then analyze each one separately as we attempt to discover the beliefs which cause us to loose our self acceptance in those situations and what we could do in order to react differently to those from the present on. The following questions are a helpful for active listening on that subject. The beliefs we are looking for will fall into two categories. The first refers to those situations in which we are being controlled by social programmings, such as; 1. Our self worth depends on what others think of us. 2. My self worth depends on how my child does at school. 3. I am responsible for the others happiness, health success etc. When we discover that our obstacles fall into this category (which, in most cases means, that our answers will correspond to questions one to nine of the previous questionnaire) the following questions (fig. 26) will aid in our search for the beliefs which obstruct our happiness. _____________________________________ 6. When will you do this? ___________________________________ Fig. 26 OUR CONSCIENCE The second category consists of those situations in which our actions are in conflict with our morals values or conscience. For example, I do not accept myself when I beat my child or wife, or when I tell lies or steal. In this case, we are not interested in compromising our values but rather in discovering the emotional mechanisms which lead us to beat, lie or steal. Some fears or other emotions based on false or unevolved beliefs are forcing us to act in a way which does not coincide with our morals or conscience. Thus the active listening process will necessarily follow another line of questioning. Such as the following (fig. 27). ____________________________________ ANALYSIS AND ACTIVE LISTENING CONCERNING situations in which we discover that our actions are in conflict with our conscience) TRY TO ANSWER AS HONESTLY AS POSSIBLE 1. Which are your thoughts or behaviors which bring you into conflict with your conscience and cause you to lose your feelings of love, unity or harmony with your self?
2. What do you feel at those moments which cause you ANALYSIS AND ACTIVE LISTENING CONCERNING to think, say or do that which you later regret? OUR OBSTACLES TOWARDS LOVING OUR SELVES (For situations in which we discover that we are being 3. What do you believe which causes you to feel that controlled by false social programming) way, which then forces you to think, say or do that which you later regret? Try to answer as honestly as possible 4. What is your need in those situations which causes 1. In which situations or in the face of which type of you to do what you do? behaviors, or character types, do you lose your feelings of love unity or harmony with your self? (check out the 5. What is your need behind that need? What are you possibilities in fig. 25) really seeking which causes you to think, speak or act in that way? 2. What emotions do you usually feel in those situations? 6. How would you like to think, speak or act in those situations? 3. What do you believe about your self, what you do or not do, which makes you feel the way you feel? 7. What would you like to believe in those situations so as to be able to react differently? 4. How could you manage to sustain your feelings of
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8. What can you do in order to manifest this change in a. As we are souls in the process of evolution, it is not your self? possible for us to be perfect as long as we are in that 9. when will you start doing this? process and thus it is illogical to reject ourselves for not being perfect. 10. What emotions do you usually feel towards your b. It is also illogical for a divine being, God, to reject self when you realize that, once again, you have the very beings which He (She, It) has created with functioned in this way? exactly all those weaknesses and faults. 11. What do you believe about your self, or about what c. If we analyze those parts of ourselves which function you do or not do, which makes you feel that way? in ways which we our selves do not accept, we will realize that those parts of our selves, live in self-doubt and self12. How could you perceive that part of your self which rejection. By rejecting them, we are simply augmenting functions in this way so as not to reject it but to cultivate the cause of their ways of reacting. a sense of understanding towards that part of your self which is already suffering in its own way? d. By rejecting our selves, we create an inner war which can only undermine our actual escape from the prison of 13. How could you manage to sustain your feelings of this vicious circle of self rejection and the repetition of unity and love in the future, even in such situations, or in this same act for which we reject our selves. A common the face of the same behavior? Or how could you free example of that would be to reject ourselves because we yourself from the behavior which makes you lose your have over eaten, and then since we are a "lost cause", just self-love? go right on eating more. 14. What could you do to begin expressing love to your e. The psychology of purity is an important factor in self? any process of self-improvement. You will have notice that if you have been working in the garden or garage and 15. When will you do this? your body and clothing are dirty, that you have no aversion towards handling soiled materials. If however, ___________________________________ you have just taken a shower and are wearing clean Fig. 27 clothing, you will likely feel a strong aversion towards coming into contact with some thing which is dirty. Once we have established the beliefs which obstruct In the same way, when we consider ourselves to be our self-acceptance, we will be ready to work on dirty, sinful or no good, then we have no problem with transforming those beliefs. partaking in activities which vibrate at that frequency, whereas if we feel pure, holy, lovable we would more TRANSFORMING BELIEFS WHICH easily avoid activities which might soil that purity. OBSTRUCT SELF ACCEPTANCE WHEN IN Rejecting ourselves is an obstacle towards cultivating CONFLICT WITH OUR CONSCIENCE the psychology of purity so necessary for really tuning into a pure life in harmony with the Laws of Nature. In the case that we are obstructed by a conflict with our conscience we would do well to remember some 4. Some fear that self-acceptance might weaken ones thoughts. need for self-improvement. This is seldom true. The reason is that evolution is a natural basic force in the 1. It is well that we see that we are not functioning in universe and thus needs no negative force to help it. The harmony with the laws of nature, which are imprinted in opposite is true. When we do not accept ourselves, we get our conscience or higher intellect. This allows us to see caught up in resisting change. Acceptance allows change where we are and where we want to proceed. We each to take place naturally and not out of fear or anxiety. have an archetype of perfect love, peace, non violence, A child in the first grade at grammar school accepts truth and right action encoded into our subconscious that he is a first grader and that he is less capable and mind and thus naturally feel disappointment when we knowledgeable than a fifth grader or even a university are not able to live up to those. graduate, but he would not want to stay in the first grade. He accepts that he is in the first grade and still has every 2. It is important that we see those weaknesses, faults intent to continuing growing and learning until he and mistakes which need to be corrected, and we would graduates from the university, which is a long way off. do well to attend to how we will proceed with this process as effectively as possible. 5. We would also do well to remember that the word repentance in Greek is "metanoia" which means to 3. But rejecting ourselves or believing that God rejects change ones mind. Thus repentance does not mean to us and that we are not worthy of being loved and reject ones self or punish ones self, but rather to respected by others because of those short-fallings is a transform ones belief system so as to think differently. big mistake for a number of reasons. Repentance is to change ones mind so that it no longer functions in a way so as to lead us to actions which are
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out of harmony with the laws of nature and specifically okay to repeat the same answer more than once if it the law "not to do anything to any one which we would keeps coming up. This is significant. not like them to do to us." When this part of the exercise is completed, we then continue with the phrase, "I feel especially good about Thus, in the case that our self rejection is based on the myself when ...." or "I love and accept myself especially fact that our actions are not in harmony with our when...." The same guidelines apply to this phrase, and conscience, we definitely want to see what is motivating this continues for 10 to 20 minutes. us to function in that way, while simultaneously we In the end, the person will have a much deeper accept and love our selves at this level of evolution. realization of his obstacles towards self-acceptance. He Accepting and analyzing that part of our selves which will also have his list given to him for deeper study. functions in this way will be the first step towards In the case that both individual are interested in transforming it. searching the subject, they would now change roles. Some might say, that they could do this alone or in TRANSFORMING BELIEFS WHICH written form. I would encourage them to do both, but not OBSTRUCT SELF ACCEPTANCE WHEN WE to imagine they are getting the same benefits. Each ARE UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF FALSE exercise has its own benefits. We come to different SOCIAL PROGRAMMING realizations when working alone, when writing or when working verbally with another person. One technique is Some of the techniques and concepts presented below not better than the other, but they do not replace each will also apply to the situations analyzed just above. other, each has its own very special gifts. 1. Written affirmations such as, "I accept and love This same exercise could be applied in exactly the same myself in every situation (or exactly as I am at this stage way with other phrases such as: of my evolution)" as described in chapter 10 are invaluable both as a diagnostic and as a therapeutic 1. "I lose my sense of love and union with others exercises when working with self-acceptance. when..." and "I feel especially open and close to others when..." 2. These general written affirmations can then be continued as personally designed ones, as mentioned in 2. "I lose my sense of security when...." and "I feel chapter 10. especially secure when..." 3. The RESEARCH TECHNIQUE for self-acceptance can be employed. This technique requires two persons. The one, who wants to work on himself, sits comfortably with his eyes closed. The other has a pen and paper on which to write. Both hold hands in order to start and take the oath of secrecy concerning whatever is said. Then take as second oath of truth, that is that they will speak out whatever comes to their minds. They release hands and the person who is working on himself closes his eyes and places his hands on his lower abdomen. As he focuses there in his lower abdomen, he begins to verbalize the following phrase, "I lose my feelings of self worth or my self acceptance when...", and then he allows the phrase to complete itself spontaneously. He repeats this phrase over and over again allowing his mind to answer freely each time, as the person next to him writes down the reasons and situations which are verbalized by the other. This goes on for about ten to twenty minutes creating a list of obstacles towards feelings of self worth and self-acceptance. The person should not open his eyes and should continue for the whole length of time and not stop because "he has nothing else to say". Duration is an important factor for by passing various defense mechanisms. It is not necessary that we have an answer in our minds before we start verbalizing the phrase. Even if we have nothing in our minds as an answer, we should repeat the phrase anyway about once a minute and allow the subconscious to supply the answer. It is perfectly 3. " I lose my feelings of being close to God when..." and "I feel close to God when..." 4. " I find it difficult to be myself when..." and " I find it is easy to be myself when..." 5. "I loose my sense of freedom when..." and " I feel free when..." There are many other possibilities depending on what we want to explore. SEARCHING DEEPER In most cases, we will then want to search deeper into the causes of the beliefs which obstruct our selfacceptance or force into vicious circles including activities which are in conflict with our conscience. 1. We can start by making a list of things for which we were criticized as children. This will on the one hand help us understand why we illogically lose our self worth in some cases, and on the other hand, why we are attracted to some activities which we our selves reject. We are often attracted to those things which were forbidden. We are attracted also to relive the rejection we experienced a children. If we do not find others to reject us, then we subconsciously take on that role for ourselves. Our parents voices work within us creating guilt and pressures often long after they have left their physical
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bodies. We then get involved in internal conflicts because following experiences as a child. With the help of this list one part of our selves is playing the parent who is try to remember when you might have felt guilt, shame forbidding and rejecting the child who is also inside us. or rejection as a child. (Fig. 29) Some of the messages which we hear in our minds occasionally might found in this list (fig. 28). _____________________________________ ____________________________________ WHEN I LOOSE MY FEELINGS OF SELF WORTH WHEN HAVE I FELT GUILT SHAME OR SELF-REJECTION? I AM NOT WORTHY (Of what? love, happiness, health, success, satisfaction? I. IN THE PAST 1. When others criticize me, blame me, or do not A. When did you feel guilt, shame or self-rejection as a approve of me. child? 1. When they shouted at you or beat you? 2. When others are angry with me. 2. When you do not do what they asked you to do? 3. When you made mistakes? 3. When my children, spouse or parents are not 4. When you hurt someone? happy, healthy, successful, satisfied with me. 5. For sexual feelings or acts? 6. For the others problems? 4. When I do not know as much as the others around 7. For negative feelings which you had? me. 8. For desires which you had? 9. For the others illnesses? 5. When I do not have a relationship partner. 10. For the others unhappiness? 11. When you did not do well in school? 6. When my house is not clean and in order. 12. When they criticized you or blamed you? 13. When you felt fear? 7. When my partner shows interest in others. 14. When you told lies or stole? 15. When they told you that you were a sinner or that 8. If I am not successful professionally. you were no good? 16. When they talked to you about God and the devil? 9. If I do not have enough money. 17. When you did something which was forbidden? What? __________________ 10. If I am not attractive to the opposite sex. 18. When you came into contact with the opposite sex? 19. When they told you in some way that you were a 11. If I do not make an impression on others. bad child? 20. When the others were not happy? 12. If I do not have many sexual successes. 21. When the others were not pleased with you? 22. When you were not as good at something as the 13. If others, or all, do not respect me. others were? 23. When the others did not pay any attention to you? 14. If my child is ill. 24. When you did not speak out about something which was important for you? 15. If I do not have what the others have. 25. When you didnt help someone when you could have? 16. If I am not perfect. 26. When you did not succeed at something? 27. When the others were disappointed in you? 17. If I do not achieve many things. 28. When your siblings had problems? 29. When the others around you were done injustice? 18. If others are able to cheat me or tell me lies. 30. When they used you or took advantage if you? 31. When you did not receive the attention, affection 19. If I do not have _______________________ and love which you needed? 32. When they compared you with others? 20. If I do not do________________________ 33. When your parents or other members of your family were not behaving properly? 21. Other reasons _______________________ 34. When they told you that you were to blame for something? ____________________________________ 35. When you did not get good grades at school? Fig. 28 36. When you were not able to be like someone else? 37. When you were not able to live up to the others These beliefs may have come from some of the expectations?
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Other_________________________________ ______________________________________ B. Did you ever feel shame or self-rejection concerning any of the following? 1. Your body? Which part? 2. Your appearance? 3. Your gender? 4. Your family? 5. Your speech? 6. Your friends? 7. Various characteristics (which)? 8. Your behavior? Which? 9. Your mistakes? 10. Your country? 12. Your parents? 12. The attention you received from others? 13. Something else?______________________
c.____________________________________ B. In addition to the above, I occasionally feel shame, guilt or self rejection when ... 1.____________________________________ 2. __________________________________ 3. _________________________________ _____________________________________ Fig. 29 GETTING IN TOUCH WITH THE SUBCONSCIOUS Having located some of the causes of our obstacles towards self acceptance, we might then want to go even deeper through techniques which bring us into contact with the subconscious, such as the following, all of which, will be explained in later chapters.
C. What messages did you receive through the others words and actions about the following? 1. Regressions to childhood years in which we 1. God? focus on moments in which as a child we felt rejection, 2. The devil? shame, or guilt. 3. Money? 4. Sex? 2. Once those moments have been exposed by the 5. Who is worthy? regression, then we can explore them more deeply 6. Who is not worthy? through writing letters to those persons who were present, explaining to them how we felt then and how we II. THE PRESENT feel now about what happened then. A. Complete the following phrases keeping in mind even small parts of your self. 1. There is a part of myself which feels shame or guilt or self-rejection when I partake in the following actions: a. _________________________________ b. _________________________________ c. _________________________________ 3. Psychodrama in which we play out those scenes so as to release them and gradually rebuild them transforming the way in which we received them and reacted. 4. We can apply the technique called the TRANSFORMATION OF THE EMOTION, especially for the emotions we are concerned with here.
2. There is a part of myself which feels shame or guilt or self-rejection when I have the following thoughts... 5. The exercise PARAMETAMORPHOSIS is also a.___________________________________ helpful here for gaining a new perspective on those b.____________________________________ emotions and their causes as well as their effect on our c.___________________________________ lives. 3. There is a part of myself which feels shame or guilt or self-rejection when I express myself in the following ways: a.____________________________________ b.____________________________________ c.____________________________________ 6. Writing letters asking for forgiveness from others as well a God and perhaps ourselves, may uncover even deeper feelings of guilt or hurt which may by harboring under the surface. These letters need not be given to any one, unless you are inspired to do so. Their power is in our being able to express these thoughts and realizations, and most important of all our regret for any pain we may 4. There is a part of myself which feels shame or guilt have triggered off in anyone. or self-rejection when I do not... This may be a humbling experience, but this is exactly a.____________________________________ what the ego needs to get free from these repetitive b.____________________________________ patterns of guilt. This is the psychology behind the c.___________________________________ sacraments of repentance, confession, and holy communion. 5. There is a part of myself which feels shame or guilt We first realize our mistakes, where we are functioning or self-rejection when I neglect or forget to... in conflict with our conscience. This is self-knowledge. a.____________________________________ Then we gain the strength to admit this to others. This is b.____________________________________ confession, which frees us from the ego through
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humility. Then we allow ourselves to feel pure enough to ____________________________________ experience union with the divine again. The benefit of this process can be understood theologically, HOW WE MEASURE OUR SELF WORTH psychological and vibrationally. The process of writing these confessional letters will 1. Spirit - personality - values - motives - efforts help us to both realize and release what is laying heavily results - our evaluation of the results - our perception on our conscience, thus freeing large amounts of energy of the others opinion of our results. and inner peace. 2. Our self worth (of love and respect) have nothing to 7. This confessional expression in which we also ask for do with our abilities. Abilities give us the right to forgiveness can also be done verbally in the form of position and responsibilities not love and respect. psychodrama with a psychologist or facilitator. Or it can Usually we measure our be done while looking at photographs or the persons we Self worth by: want to speak to. Or we can close our eyes and speak 1. The results of our efforts. verbally to a wall, a we imagine that the persons we are 2. Others opinion of us and our results. addressing our selves to are before us. 3. Our subjective perception of what others think about us. 8. In some cases, we might seek out the persons 4. How we compare to others in some specific ability or and speak directly to them. quality These last few techniques will be most applicable to those guilt feelings which are based on actions in conflict with our conscience. In some cases, however, our problem might be a mixture of both, that is we feel guilt because we are under the influence of social programming and also because of our reactions. In some cases our doubts concerning our self worth which are do to our social programming might in turn cause us to function in ways which are in conflict with our conscience. For example, being programmed that our self worth is dependent on what others think of us and how successful we are, we might then be tempted to lie about our income, position, activities, abilities,
8.OF THE RESULTS THE OTHERS' PERCEPTION 3. BELIEFS
Our self worth as divine creation Is absolute and equal to all. OUR SELF WORTH AS PERSONALITIES DEPENDS ON THE PURITY OF OUR MOTIVES AND THE QUALITY OF OUR EFFORTS. ___________________________________ Fig. 30 In the center of the concentric circles to the left, is the soul (1), our true being. The soul is divine in nature and is worthy of love and respect as it is. We cannot increase or decrease its worth. The soul is, however, evolving in its ability to express this innate divine nature. This expression takes place through the personality (2) and body. This personality is in a process of evolution and thus is not perfect. The outer most concentric circle represent the beliefs (3) with which the personality has been programmed. These beliefs limit and govern the personalitys life. These beliefs then dictate the personalitys motives (4). Our motives depend on our values which depend in turn on our beliefs. These motives inspire us to act, to make efforts (5) towards various goals. We are motivated to seek after various persons, objects and situations which we believe will secure for us safety, pleasure, satisfaction, affirmation, power, love, acceptance, respect, freedom or even spiritual growth or salvation. At each stage of these efforts there is some type result (6). We then tend to judge ourselves based on this result (7). If we have what we think of as success, they we feel that we are worthy. If we interpret the result as failure, or as less successful than someone else with whom we compare ourselves, then we feel unworthy, a failure. Often, however, we do not measure our selves by the results, but rather what others think about the result (8). We will search their facial expressions, or outright ask them, what do you think of "that"? We have so identified our self worth with how others evaluate the results of our efforts, that we believe that they love us and that we are worthy if they like our food, drawings, house, garden etc.
4. MOTIVES
2. PERSONALITY
5. EFFORT 6. RESULTS
1. SOUL
OUR PERC EPTION O F:
9. THE OTHERS' PERCEPTION OF THE RESULTS
achievements, or we might lie in order to get a better business deal or better position, etc. The social programming which undermines our feelings of self worth, thus leads us to actions about which we feel guilty. It becomes a vicious circle. In these cases , we will need to apply techniques for both types of obstacles towards self-acceptance, some for getting free from social programming and others for releasing guilt for our improper actions. TRANSFORMING FALSE SOCIAL PROGRAMMING 1. Realize how we have been programmed to measure our self worth. The following diagram will help us to understand that (fig. 30)
RESULTS 7. THE
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And if they do not like them, or do not show much enthusiasm, then we feel rejection, and even perhaps negative feelings towards these persons. Even worse is that we measure our self worth by what we perceive (9) the others think about our results. We perceive their opinion subjectively through our own programming and often mistakenly believe that they do not like our creation or that they do not love us. We must free ourselves from this rather childish way of perceiving ourselves. As children , we did not have a clear idea of our selves and we looked to the others to see what they thought about us, usually in response to our behavior or something we had done or created. We continue to do this with spouses, friends and coworkers. We have been told that it does not matter whether we win, but how we play the game. But we do not believe it. Our self worth is independent of the results of our actions and what others think about those results, or how they compare with those of others. If we want to evaluate ourselves, let us evaluate our motives and efforts. If our motives were pure and our efforts the best we could do at that stage of our evolutionary process, then let us accept ourselves regardless of the results. If the motives were not pure, or the efforts not our best, then let us analyze how we can improve them. We would also all do well to distinguish between ability, talent and worth. A person who is capable is not more worthy of love and acceptance than another who is not able. He is worthy of being given more responsibilities, but not more love or respect. All deserve the same love and respect.
bringing each into our mind, as we clear up accounts, explaining what we now consciously believe. If possible, we can then have this discussion directly with those persons. If they have left their physical bodies, then we will have to do it as we imagine them before us. Figure 31. ____________________________________ DECLARING OUR FREEDOM FROM FALSE THOUGHT FORMS Write to your parents, family and society in general explaining to them which beliefs you do not accept any more (when you are thinking logically and consciously). Samples of false thought from which you might want to declare your freedom. 1. My self worth depends on: a. What others think about me. b. The results of my efforts. c. My appearance. d. How much money or how many possessions I have. e. How much I know. f. How I compare to others. g. Whether or not I am perfect. h. Whether or not I have a love partner. i. My professional position. Other_________________________ 2. That I am safe only when: a. I have an relationship. b. I have money. c. I have specific persons who I know around me. d. I am accepted by others. Other___________________________
2. Write a letter to those who programmed you in this way, explaining to them what you now believe about those programmings, when you are conscious and thinking logically. The following exercise and examples of some thought forms you might want to comment on might be of use in this process. 3. That my freedom is in danger. Remember that we are not rejecting these persons who have been instrumental in our programming, but that 4. That I am responsible for the others reality ( health, we are simply explaining to them that our belief system happiness, success, satisfaction). has changed and that, when we are thinking logically, we see these assumptions which we received from them as 5. That I am not a good person. false. In some cases, the assumption which we have made 6. That God does not love me or that His love is with may not be at all what the others believed but, rather, our conditions. subjective perceptions. This does not matter. These people are in no way responsible for our reality. We, as 7. That I am a body and not soul in evolution. souls, have chosen them before incarnating exactly because they would transfer to us these ancient illusions, 8. That I am not pure. so that we could continue our evolutionary process, there where we left off in our previous life. 9. That I am responsible for your unhappiness or This exercise is called SPEAKING (or writing) TO THE problems. SOURCE. We write to speak to the source explaining that we cannot any longer accept these restricting beliefs and 10. That I am a sinner. that we are determined to live our lives from here on in, based on our conscious beliefs which we declare in this 11. That I am weak or unable. exercise. This is very effective both as written exercise and as a 12. That I should not follow my intuition. verbal one as a psychodrama with someone playing the role of those persons, or simply by closing our eyes and 13. That I should not believe in myself.
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14. That we must not believe in others. 15. That mistakes are unforgivable.
REASONS WHY I LOVE AND ACCEPT MYSELF
1. I am gods creation, a manifestation of the divine. 2. I am a soul in the process of evolution 16. Other 3. I am gods child . _____________________________________ 4. Any negative aspects are a result of my ignorance Fig. 31 and fear. 5. Because i try the best i can. Remember this exercise has nothing to do with 6. Because i love others. rejecting or ceasing to love the other or holding them because i have the following qualities: responsible for our problems or programmings. We can very much love someone and feel union with him, as we 7. ___________________________________ also explain to him that we perceive reality in a different 8. ___________________________________ way than he does. No problem. 9. ___________________________________ If on the other hand, we find our expression aggressive 10.___________________________________ and condemning, allow that to be. It seems that we need 11. ___________________________________ to pass through this stage of releasing our resentment. As ...... much as possible such release processes should not be 21. ___________________________________ expressed to those others, so as to hurt them, but rather _____________________________________ in psychodrama with a facilitator. We will probably need fig. 32 to revert to our release exercise, described in an earlier chapter. 6. Letters to that part of ourselves which feels selfThis is true of all exercises described in this book. doubt or self-rejection, explaining the objective reality of When any technique brings up emotions in the present things. moment, revert to the releasing process, until the emotions are discharged, and then continue with the 7. Letters to our inner child in which we explain the active listening, psychodrama, writing, regression, logical, objective and spiritual truth as we see it. Some of transformation technique or any other method being the messages which we might want to pass on to our used. inner child or to that part of ourselves which experience The techniques being described here will seldom flow self doubt might be found in the following list. (Fig. 33) exactly as they are described. We need to be flexible and in touch with our inner guidance. As we will discuss later, ____________________________________ in a chapter on the FLOW OF TRANSFORMATION, we need to be ready to move from one technique to the other TRUTHS WHICH WILL FREE US as the flow demands. FROM SELF REJECTION For example, we might start our with active listening, which might lead to psychodrama, which then might 1. I am a creation of the divine. When i reject myself i flow into transforming an emotion, which might lead us am rejecting that which the divine has created. to a childhood regression, which then ends up in releasing emotions towards our parents, closing with a 2. Not loving myself means not loving god (him - her dialogue between subpersonalities. We need to be in it ) self in one of (his - her - its ) expressions. touch with inner guidance. 3. I am not perfect but i am trying. I am a good person 3. Regressions of transformation in which we imagine even if at times i hide my goodness. the child that we were perceive these events in the ways in which we now can consciously perceive them can 4. Love is the way to god. Love for all beings, including "change the past". (Later) myself. 4. Transformation of the emotion.(Later) 5. I often accept in others (qualities - attitudes appearance) that which i do not accept in myself. Why???
5. Relaxations in which we focus on positive messages concerning our self worth and self acceptance.( as 6. I am an expression of the divine in the process of already described) evolution. It is natural for a being in the process of evolution to have weaknesses and make mistakes. I 6. Make a list of reasons why you should love, respect accept myself as i am , as i move forward in my selfand accept yourself. An example might be the following. perfection process. Fig. 32. 7. My self worth does not depend on: ____________________________________ a. Others opinion of myself b. The results of my efforts
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c. My appearance d. My knowledge e. My abilities f. My material wealth 8. All beings are gods creations and deserve my love including myself. 9. I am not this body - nor this mind - my self worth does not depend on them. 10. God loves without conditions. God loves me without any conditions.
other similar phrase. This can be done about 15 to 20 minutes. 2. DECLARING THE AFFIRMATION - Chose a partner and look into his eyes. This could be done between a person wanting to work on his self-acceptance or a facilitator. The person working on himself looks into the other eyes and repeats the phrase, " I love and accept my self exactly as I am." If he wants, he can add the conditional phrase, " ...as I am , at this stage of my evolutionary process." This, or some similar phrase, can be repeated 15 times as we look into the others eyes. We take three deep breaths in the interval between each verbalization of the phrase. As we breathe, we observe our inner reactions to saying this to someone. This exercise should be done slowly and consciously as we focus on, feel and think about what we are saying. Let the thought of total self-acceptance sink deeply into the center of your being throughout the exercise. After fifteen times, we can write down what we felt as we said this phrase. The same can be done looking into a mirror, but it is a totally different exercise to be able to say this to another person. As you focus on this phrase, feel your purity, goodness and all the reasons why you actually should be accepting your self.
Special messages for the inner child about remorse and guilt 1. You are an eternal, divine consciousness in the process of evolution. 2. Since you are in an evolving stage, you cannot be perfect yet. 3. You are learning from your mistakes. 4. Whatever mistakes you have made were the results of ignorance, of non-evolution.
5. Whatever you have done to anyone, it could have 3. EXPERIENCING OPPOSITION - Sit face to taken place only because it was included in the Divine face. One says to the other, " you have no self worth. " or Plan for him. " You are worthless." or " You have no value as a person." The other keeps looking into his eyes and answers, "I 6. God is unconditional love. He cannot ever not love deserve you love and acceptance exactly as I am." If he you. chooses, he can add the condition, "exactly as I am at this stage of my evolutionary process." 7. The past does not exist unless you keep it in your This goes on for about five minutes, as the one person mind. continues to reject the other in as a convincing way as he can (avoid laughing), while the other continues to affirm 8. God has promised to remove guilt from anyone who that he deserves to be accepted and loved exactly as he is. repents. The more calmly we can affirm our right to be accepted and loved as we are, the more sure we are of the fact. The 9. Whatever you do, you cannot change your divine more we feel the need to force the other to accept it, the nature. less sure we are. 10. Your self worth is unshakable and granted. ____________________________________ fig. 33 VERBAL EXERCISES FOR THE TRANSFORMATION OF SELF DOUBT 1. The RESEARCH TECHNIQUE can also be used here in a slightly different way. Remember from previous explanation that one sits with his eyes closed and completes a phrase while the other records his answers. In this case, the phrase is, " one reason why I should accept and love myself is ...". This can be alternated with "One reason why I should respect myself is..." or "One reason why I should care about myself is ...". Or any 4. EXPERIENCING REJECTION - Continue sitting face to face. Now the other holds a list which we have created containing the three criticisms we hear from others or from ourselves which undermine most strongly or frequently our feelings of self worth. These should be written clearly so that the other can read them. The other looks into our eyes and tells us that we are no good, or that we are not worthy because of one of the reasons we have written on the paper. He is now hitting us in our weak spot, where we usually lose our clarity and self love. We look into his eyes and answer him, the truth is that I deserve your love and acceptance exactly as I am." We can add , " exactly as I am at this stage of my evolutionary process." The other repeats the same phrase to us three to five times, and each time we answer him in the above
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mentioned way. Then he starts on the next phrase which we have written. In this way we come to face our weak points in self-acceptance. The truth is that we have many weaknesses and faults, but as souls in the process of evolution, we deserve to be loved and respected as we are. In the same way, all others deserve our love and respect just as they are. This exercise should be done slowly and consciously, as we seek to really feel that we deserve to be loved even when confronted with those criticisms which until now triggered our self-doubt. 5. DECLARING TO THE GROUP - This exercise can be done in groups (or if one has enough imagination he can visualize a group of persons before him). He stands before the group. If there is a microphone, he can use this so as to be heard loud and clearly. As looks into the eyes of the persons he is talking to, he declares to the group " I am worthy of your love and acceptance exactly as I am." If he then wants to add something to this statement, such as declaring some of the reasons why he deserves their love, that is okay. He can, however, rest on the fact that he deserves their love and respect regardless of any attributes of achievement, simply because he is divine creation. In this way, the microphone can be passed around, as each stands and declares than he deserves our love, acceptance and or respect exactly as he is. 6. LOOKING INTO EACH OTHERS EYES - One of the main reasons we cannot look into the others eyes is that we do not feel pure enough. We want to hide
anything which we fear the other might reject, and we want to project whatever we feel might impress him. In this exercise we simply look into the eyes of another person, without speaking. Speaking is the main way we hide and project. We simply look into the others eyes, cultivating feelings of being at ease, without any need to hide anything or project anything. We can simply be ourselves with this person, without trying to think of something to say to fill in the uneasiness of looking into his eyes. We are gradually encouraged to develop feelings of oneness and eventually to open our hearts and feel love energy flowing out of our heart center, filling his body and mind with light. We attune ourselves to his beauty inner and outer. We appreciate his being. This then brings us into contact with our beauty and we feel good about ourselves. We both deserve to be loved and accepted and respected exactly as we are. This exercise can be done in a standing position or while sitting opposite each other. If performing it in a standing position in a group, we can then silently hug that person and then move on until we find another person, whom we will stand across from in the same way. Some prefer to hold hands as they are looking into each others eyes. Participants can continue in this way, until most have looked into each others eyes, or we move on to another exercise or time does not permit. When done in sitting position, this exercise becomes a type of meditation in which we meditate on the others soul essence which we perceive behind the mask of his face. All of what is said above concerning cultivating feelings of love and openness hold here. We can stay about 15 to 25 minutes as we focus on letting go of all
The following Chapters will be presented in following parts of this handbook.

CHAPTER 15 CHAPTER 16 CHAPTER 17 TECHNIQUES FOR TRANSFORMING THE SUBCONSCIOUS HEALING THE INNER CHILD FORGIVENESS AND FREEDOM 72 78 85
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CHAPTER 18 GETTING TO KNOW THE EMOTIONS

It will be useful to dedicate a chapter to understanding some of the most common happiness and peace destroying emotions. We will look a few of them briefly, examining superficially the psychology of each. FEAR Let us start with the mother of all emotions from which all unpleasant emotions are born. Fear itself is born from ignorance of our true nature, which causes us to identify with our bodies and personalities. Believing that we are these bodies and personalities, we then fear because we know that they are vulnerable and mortal. We then out of fear try to create some illusion of security by establishing a security base comprised of people, money, objects and professional and social positions etc. Then we experience the second level of fear, that we might not be able to keep all of these. We may lose them through death, decay or change and we are again fearful. We fear not having what we need in order to feel our security, self worth and satisfaction. We fear losing these when we have them. We fear others who might take these from us. We fear change which might make them disappear We fear death which means losing all this. These basic fears can be expressed in unlimited ways according to each persons specific mental mechanisms. The various expression of fear have different names such as insecurity, anxiety, uncomfortable, weakness, worry, inability, confusion, fear, depression, denial, shock, hysteria, panic, paralysis, anger, hate, rage, aggressiveness, violence, jealously etc. Here is a list (fig. 45) Of the most common objects of fear which he have observed over the years. We have selected these few out of list of hundreds of fears which we have compiled through questionnaires. _____________________________________ DISCOVERING AND OVERCOMING OUR FEARS Fear is our greatest obstacle towards happiness, growth, success, peace of mind and harmonious relationships. Behind every negative emotion there is some hidden fear. Let us search out these fears and liberate ourselves from them. Remember that you may not consciously feel a fear but that it may a subconscious fear - check out your inner child. Please make a list of fears which may exist in your conscious or subconscious mind. We will present to you here some common fears to help you out. Add whichever others you can think of. Remember that fear can be expressed as a variety of emotions such as: insecurity, anxiety, uncomfortable, rejection towards others or our selves, weakness, worry, inability, confusion, fear, depression, denial, shock, hysteria, panic, paralysis, anger, hate, aggressiveness, violence etc. In each case write the emotions which you might feel when in contact with the following. Your death Sudden death by accident Death of a loved one Illness Being paralyzed Growing old War Earthquakes Snakes, rats, mice, cockroaches Dogs, cats Failure at work, in relationships, at school, in life Rejection from others Being laughed at by others Criticism Loneliness Financial insecurity Others aggressiveness The dark The unknown God or his punishment Loosing your freedom Loosing your self worth Conflicts with others The sea, heights, fires Cars, planes, boats Elevators, small places Large gatherings of people To travel by your self To lose your sanity To be rejected in a love relationship The opposite sex Microbes and dirty things Others_________________________________ ____________________________________ Fig. 45 Below we supply you with a list of techniques (fig. 46) with which we can overcome fear. Just a few words will be said about each, as the subject is covered in detail in the book THE PSYCHOLOGY OF HAPPINESS. _____________________________________ METHODS FOR OVERCOMING FEAR Once you have established which objects, beings, and situations cause you to feel fear or its various other
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manifestations, you can begin to determine how you would like to approach and transcend this fear. Consider the following possibilities and note in each case which fears might be overcome with each approach. 1. By gradually approaching that which i fear, increasing contact with it and becoming gradually accustomed to it. 2. Mentally approaching that which i fear through positive imagination techniques. 3. Transformation regressions to past experiences, reliving past events with the knowledge of the present. 4. Objectifying the fear by writing a letter to it, dialoguing with it, drawing it, or speaking to it, dancing it etc. The same can be done by writing to the part of ourselves which fears, rather than writing to the fear it self. There is a slight difference. Try it. 5. Transforming the form of the fear in the subconscious 6. Keeping up a high level of energy, through proper diet, exercise, breathing, relaxation, meditation etc. 7. By studying that which we fear and becoming familiar with it. 8. Group discussions in which we share our thoughts with others and listen to theirs, as we proceed together to free ourselves. 9. Faith in God, the divine plan and in my self as an immortal being. 10. Knowledge of the truth of our spiritual self. 11. Perfect spiritual love without need. Now create a program of how you will work on freeing your self from the fear (s) which presently obstruct to the greatest degree your happiness, health, harmony or effective functioning.
A LETTER ADDRESSED TO FEAR (Sample from a 25-year-old who used to attend the seminar) Dear Fear, I think I know quite a lot about you; with God's help I more or less came to understand how you were born and how later you became so huge you broke up my existence. The seed that bore you may come from previous lives, but you fell on fertile ground and found the right conditions and grew so as to threaten everything for me. The ambience within the family, traumatic experiences, and perhaps things still unknown to me and yet to come, all that was food to you. Now that you have gone into orbit and are low in the sky so that soon you will sink, I can see you as a huge piranha with innumerable black tentacles, an entity close to the form of death. I say that you are low in the sky because you still hold me captive, a prisoner. I know you originally came to protect me, but you hugged me dangerously tight, you distorted my ideas, you engendered violence and aggression, you overfed my ego and almost destroyed me, you grew metastasis in every part of my being to such a degree that at the sound of your name alone I am terrified. I am afraid even when you are not there. In the end like a ghost you began to haunt me always and everywhere. In this ceaseless running you imposed and forced on me I have been running on many evil and dangerous rods. There is no doubt that if it weren't for you I would not be escaping to find new horizons. Although I have tasted death because of you and am still in pain, I thank you for chasing me. On the dark paths I had taken I suddenly saw in the sky a star like a flickering candle, which began to guide me and determine my life. As time goes by, slowly but steadily, this star will shine more brightly and make by progress surer, I want you to understand that this light is divine and will gradually illuminate every nook and cranny of my being, the places where you are now. So I thank you for bringing me so far to protect me. Now I don't need you any more. Go away. My real self is beginning to grow, that which fears nothing, is strong and serene. As for you, the dwellings you find and the reality in which you flourish are all nothing but delusion. I thank God that with His help I dare to face you. With the ever- increasing light I shall beam onto you will begin to disappear - seeking another dark place in the shadows. I am already certain that you are low in the sky and some day will no longer exist. _____________________________________ Fig. 47
1. 2. 3. _____________________________________
Most of the above should be self-explanatory by now. Let This letter teaches some important points about fear and us share with you a letter (fig. 47) Written by on young coming to terms with it. man at the age of 25 after occasional periods of being held in a psychological clinic. He has understood his fear well 1. He speaks of coming to understand how this fear was and his letter will help us also understand ours. born in his system. This is very helpful in being able to ______________________________________ objectify it when we observe it. We can then perceive it as
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something separate from us, which was programmed into society as a whole. What we are accepting without fear will us at some certain moment. be the results of those efforts. We do not give up the efforts. 2. He gives it a form "huge piranha". This also facilitates Most people, however, do not have such unshakable faith objectifying and distancing it. in our immortal and divine nature and thus are better off strengthening their faith in Divine protection. Divine 3. He understands that at first the fear was a protective creation, sustenance, protection and guidance all definitely mechanism, but that it then got out of control. exist, otherwise life would not be possible, but they will not protect us from the events which we must pass through 4. He realizes now that he does not need it for protection, in order to awaken spiritually. that he can find healthier forms of protection. Concerning this we must avoid two traps. The first is to avoid weakening the faith in those who believe they are 5. He also realizes that he can heal this part of himself protected and that nothing unpleasant will ever happen to by sending love and light, for fear can exist only darkness, them. They are protected, but they simply have not ignorance and lack of love. understood the purpose of this protection. The protection is for evolution and not simply for survival and comfort When working with other emotions, we will almost and ephemeral happiness. The second trap we must avoid always have to, in the end, confront the fears behind those is to create the belief that we must have problems and tests emotions, especially the fears of rejection, loneliness, in order to grow spiritual. Although this is often the case, insecurity, of the loss of what is important to us including it is not always the case and one should not seek out our freedom. problems so as to grow. We also grow through happiness The basic solution for all fears is faith in God, the divine and pleasant experiences. plan and in our immortal, invulnerable spiritual nature. ______________________________________ Until we become sure of these, all other solutions are temporary. GENERAL APPROACH FOR ALL EMOTIONS Thus the basic questions for getting free from fear are: 1. "What do I imagine is going to happen to me if what (Refer to this chart for guidelines as to how to proceed I fear happens? or What do I imagine is going to happen each time you are working with emotions) to me if what I fear may not happen actually does not In addition to the various specific questions which will happen?" be given below for analyzing specific emotions, there are 2. " And if that happens, what will happen to me?" This some other techniques which are universally beneficial question is repeated over and over each time asking what and can be employed, and should be as much as possible we fear will happen "if the worse that we fear happens?" in all cases. They very briefly are: This will ultimately lead us to a few basic answers such as: a. I will not be loved and accepted. I will be totally 1. Objectifying the emotion by writing a letter to it, alone. dialoguing with it, drawing it, or speaking to it, dancing it b. I will not be safe - I may die or be done to harm to. etc. The same can be done by writing to or dialoguing with c. I may lose the freedom of movement and not be able the part of ourselves which has that emotion, rather than care for myself or satisfy my needs. writing to the emotion it self. There is a slight difference. d. I will suffer emotional. I will feel emotional pain. Try it. Once we arrive at such basic answers, there are two basic 2. Keeping up a high level of energy, through proper diet, directions: exercise, breathing, relaxation, meditation etc. 1. Ask if we can accept even that final possibility which until now is unacceptable for us at this point 3. Group discussions in which i share my thoughts with 2. Ask if there are any spiritual truths which can help us others and listen to theirs, as we proceed together to free believe that something like this will not happen. ourselves. Each will find his own balance between projecting positively that what we fear will not happen and accepting that we will be fine even if it does happen. Some chose the second, that is to try to mentally accept the worst without projecting it will, believing that the divine plan will always bring to them exactly what they need for the evolutionary process. What the divine plan brings may be pleasant or painful, but it will be what is best. This has the advantage that we go to the core of our being and realize that we will be able to survive (even death) and continue and be okay whatever happens. This should not be confused with fatalism. We are required by the vary nature of our being and by the laws of evolution to actively seek to create the most positive reality we can for ourselves, our family and 4. Transforming the form of the fear in the subconscious 5. Positive projection concerning those matters which concern us. 6. Transformation regressions to past experiences, reliving past events with the knowledge of the present. 7. Psychodrama and reverse psychodrama with those who are related in some way to those emotions. 8. Dialoguing with personas or parts of ourselves which have these emotions
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9. Learning to accept the until now unacceptable. 10. Making a program for action towards changing things so that they are more like we want them to be.
want it to, how long do you think it will take you to refind you peace and happiness?"
6. "Why do you doubt that this matter will turn out as you want it to?" " What programming or beliefs cause you 11. Prayer, faith in god, the divine plan and in ourselves to think in this way?" as an immortal being. 7. "Which beliefs make you feel that life will be such a 12. Perfect spiritual love without need. disaster if this does not turn out the way you want?" _____________________________________ Fig. 48 ANXIETY - WORRY Anxiety and worry, although obviously forms of fear, have become so common that it is worth looking at them briefly separately. Anxiety often has to do with the factors of time and results. We are anxious because we fear that we will not have the time to complete what we have planned or that the result will not be successful, perfect or acceptable to the others. We worry often for the same reasons, but also when we fear that something may not turn out as we want it to. That "something" could have to do with ourselves, our children, parents or spouse, which of course, ultimately, through our attachment to them, has to do with ourselves. The mind which learns this type of functioning as a child, then continues to be obsessed in this way often searching for things to have anxiety or worry about even when there is nothing really important to be concerned with. We may wonder at times why our mind is thinking so much about a particular matter, creating anxiety and worry, when in reality that it is not so important to us. Anxiety and worry then become addictive mental mechanisms which seek to find matters to have anxiety and worry about. For this reason, such persons would do well to employ a program of exercises, breathing techniques, deep relaxation with positive projection, perhaps meditation and of course a healthy diet and creative expression. These activities will help reorganize the energy patterns, freeing him from the need to have these negative thoughts, creating space in the body and mind for peace and positive thoughts. Some questions which might be useful here are: 1."What are the matters about which you have anxiety or worry?" 2. " How often do you have these feelings?" HURT - BITTERNESS INJUSTICE - ABUSED - PAIN 8. "Does your anxiety or worry help you to solve the problem or function more effectively so as to get the result the you want, or does it cause your mind to waste energy, time, and perhaps even sleep on negative thoughts?" 9. " Do you want to have anxiety or to worry?" "If not, why not?" " Why would you prefer not to think in this way? What are its negative effects your life?" 10. "Which beliefs will you need to change in order to think more positively in these cases and be more sure that things will turn out as you want them to?" 11. " Which beliefs will you need to change in order to believe that even in the possible case that things do not happen as you want them to, that you will be okay, that you will survive and will again be happy?" 12. " Is it possible that you might not want to stop worrying, that you are getting something out of this, perhaps you feel safe in this role?" 13. " If there were a part of your self which actually wanted to keep worrying, why might it want that; what might be the gain?" 14. " Is there anything which you would like to express to others concerning these matters?" If there is a need for communication, then you the facilitator can help formulate this communication with active listening and then psychodrama and reverse psychodrama. Also one can employ here the technique of dialoguing with the emotion or the part of ourselves which has the emotion. Refer to the above chart "General Approach".
3. "Are these subjects really so important to you? Are you These feelings usually come when we cannot get what so afraid that you will be lost or destroyed if they do not we want, need or feel that we have the right to have. We turn out as you want them to?" feel hurt, bitter or injustice because we have not received the behavior we expected or believe we deserve. The beliefs 4. "What do you fear will happen if this matter does not behind these feelings are that "we need to have that which turn out as you want it to?" What will you not be able to we are not getting". We have associated our security, handle?" "What will be unbearable for you?" satisfaction, self worth or freedom with something which we are not getting from persons, society, God, or life as 5." If in actuality this matter does not turn out as you whole.
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Here we need to direct our questioning towards: 1. "What is it that you believe that you must have here in order to be happy?"
need it? Why exactly do you need yourself, others, life, or God to be that way? " 3. "What do you lose if things are not as you expected.?"
2. "Why do you need it?" What will be missing from you 4. "What will happen if you yourself do not live up to your self, if you do not have it?" your expectations?" "Are you?" 5. "Whose expectations are these? Do they remind you 3. "Can you believe that life gives you exactly what you of anything you heard as a child?" need in order to continue your evolution and that it is giving you now exactly what you need? If you can accept 6. " Can you think of a way to internally create what you that, then why is life giving this situation concerning which need even when you or others cannot be what you you are not happy? What is life asking you to do here?" expected?" The answers to this last series of questions will lead to 7. "Can you accept that you, the others and all of creation two basic categories of answers: are in a process of evolution, and thus while it is useful to have the image of how you want us all to be, that it is also a. Beliefs which I need to change in order to be able to useful to have patience concerning the gradual accept what life is giving me, and be happy with things as manifestation of those ideals?" they are, even if they never change. 8. Which beliefs do you need to change in order to feel b. Beliefs which I need to change in order to initiate safe and or worthy when you and/ or others cannot live various actions and changes of behavior so as to create up to your expectations. more effectively what I need and want from life. 9. "Which beliefs do you need to change, and / or actions In the case of the second category, most often one of the do you need to take, so as to more actively insure that you actions will be to communicate more effectively and and / or others are more dedicated to fulfilling your assertively to those around us, what we need and expect expectations?" from them. In such a case, our active listening should go into depth about exactly what the subject wants to express 10. "Have you clearly communicated to the others what to these persons. This can also be done in the form of a you expect of them and why you need that from them and psychodrama, in which the subject expresses these feelings how you feel when they do not give this to you?" and needs to the facilitator imagining that he is the person(s) who we wants to communicate with. In the case that this question brings forth the need to In such a case then reverse psychodrama may also be communicate with some persons, then continue active very useful, so that the subject can be helped to understand listening concerning their I - message (explained later) what is going on in those who he feels are harming him or and go on to psychodrama and / or reverse psychodrama. doing him injustice. In the case that the problem is with their own selves, The specific subject of the loss of a loved one to death or then you can continue with the technique called divorce will be covered in the next chapter. "DIALOGUING" written or verbal between that part with Also refer to the above chart "General Approach". is disappointed and the part which supposedly has disappointed. (This will be discussed later). In some such DISAPPOINTMENT cases it may be useful for the facilitator to turn the dialogue DISILLUSIONMENT - DISCOURAGEMENT into psychodrama in which the facilitator takes on the role of one of the subpersonalities and enters in to the dialogue. As a wise teacher once said, " no appointments - no This will be explained) disappointments". These emotions come from the fact that Refer to the above chart "General Approach". we have created expectations concerning ourselves, others, God and life. When things do not happen the way we expected, or more often, when others are not who we DEPRESSION expected them to be. And even more common, when we do not have the results we want from life, we feel Depression is a state in which as above we are not getting disappointed and disillusioned in ourselves, others or God. what we want from life, but we also feel unable to do We make promises and myths in our minds, and then anything about it. It is a combination of being dissatisfied feel cheated when we they are not fulfilled. with ourselves, and/ or others, but feeling totally powerless The questions which us interest here are: to do anything about it. One gradually gives up more and more activities and responsibilities because he feels that 1. "What were you expecting here (from yourself, the nothing is important. This, as well as disappointment and other person, from Life, from God)?" disillusionment, are often preparatory states for change. If one does not become dissatisfied with what exists, at the 2. "Why are you expecting that? Do you feel that you start of the conscious growth process, it is unlikely that
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there will be motivation for major changes. Most people, who have started a spiritual path, have been lead there through these three emotions. Thus the analysis is very much the same with the questions just above. We might just add a few to those already listed: 1. "What is important to you?" What do you care about? Who do you care about?" 2. "What would you have liked to have done with your life before you die?"
do not have, and thus feel jealous towards those who have it or perhaps are taking it from us (such as love or attention from our parents, spouse, children or friends.) We are mostly jealous about being given exclusivity of an important persons love and attention, and in the case of a spouse, sexual contact. This is one of the major emotions we experience when a newborn sibling enters the family and our exclusivity or percentage of attention is lost or diminished. We might also feel anger at this other being who is now getting what we were getting until now and still desperately want. The 3. " If you could have some special powers above the same happens when one fears that his or her spouse may average person, what would they be?" be interested in someone else. This happens when we have identified our survival, 4. " What would you do with those powers?" security, satisfaction and self worth with that other persons attention. The fear that we may not be safe 5. " What is your vision of an ideal world?" without the other, or that our self worth will be lost or severely diminished if he or she shows love to others 6. " What role would you like to play in that ideal world?" creates what we call jealousy. 7. " If you had enough money to survive simply but comfortably for the rest of your life and were free to spend your time according to your values and needs, without thinking of making money, what would you do with your time?" The beliefs behind these fears are: 1. I am safe only if I have someone who loves only me. Only then can I be sure that he will always be with me when I need him. I am not safe alone. 2. I am worthy (as a person, as a man, as a woman) only if there is at least one person whom loves only me and no As you can see these questions which we have added in the one else. If he loves anyone else, the way he loves me, then case of Depression are designed to help the subject connect I lose my self worth. to his ideals and life purpose. Each persons life purpose will be in some way related to CREATIVITY, EVOLUTION Thus the problem of envy and jealousy will be solved when or SERVICE. Seek to help the subject discover where he we free ourselves from the doubts about our safety and self might be interested in aligning this life to these three basic worth. Some questions which will help. life principles, and especially service. Feeling that ones presence is useful to those around him, gives his life a 1. " What is it that the other has (internally or externally), sense of meaning and self worth, a reason for living and which you would like to have or believe you must have in creating. order be happy?" Because depression is also often an energy phenomenon, the subject would benefit greatly by employing a daily 2. "Why do you need that? What do you gain if you have program of exercise, breathing techniques, deep relaxation it and what do you lose if you do not?" and eventually meditation as well as a healthy diet and creative activities. This, of course, would be helpful in the 3. "What do you believe about yourself which makes you case of all emotions. want to have what the other has, or be like the other?" Also because some cases of depression may also What will happen is that does not happen?" be affected by the blood chemistry, some persons may also need to seek pharmaceutical help, if all 4. "Which beliefs do you need to change in order to be else fails. happy just as you are, or with any outcome, regardless of Refer to the above chart "General Approach". what the other has or is?" 5. "Which beliefs do you need to change in order to more effectively manifest in your self or for yourself what you envy or are feeling jealous about?" (We must not ignore the possibility that the subject envies something because the time has come in his evolution process to seek that. The emotion may not be pure, but it may instigate beneficial energies if they are directed towards selfimprovement.) 6. Is there anything you would like to communicate with the others concerning what you are feeling?" We can then move on to the I messages psychodrama, and reverse psychodrama.
JEALOUSY - ENVY These two emotions are born from our lack of acceptance of who we are and what we have. One situation is that by not accepting ourselves as we are, we thus envy others for traits or achievements which we wish we had. In such a case we probably believe that we will be more respected and admired or considered more successful if we had those traits. This can also happen on the spiritual path in which one can envy the other for his ability to meditate, serve, fast etc. In the other situation we cannot accept what we have or
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Refer to the above chart "General Approach".
9. "Which beliefs do you need to change in order to experience more connected to others and/or God and life?" " How will you change these beliefs?" 10. "Which beliefs do you need to change in order to feel freer to express your need for greater or deeper contact with others?" How will you change these beliefs?" 11. "With which persons would you like to begin this expression and what would you like to say?" Now as already mentioned a number of times, you can continue with psychodrama and reverse psychodrama. In your active listening look especially for shame and pride. These opposite emotions tend to separate us. When we feel shame or guilt or doubt our self worth, we cannot believe that others love us or want to be with us, and thus even when there are such people, we cannot feel them. When we have pride, we cannot keep company with just anyone, and also we cannot be the ones who will express our need to be with the other. We are too proud and want the others to ask. Also susceptible to such thinking and thus loneliness are those who have been programmed that they must be perfect, strong and never ask or be in need. Refer to the above chart "General Approach". SELF DOUBT SHAME- GUILT - SELF REJECTION UNWORTHINESS -REJECTION-DEMEANED
LONELINESS Loneliness, like fear, is a very deeply ingrained emotion which has to do with existence itself. Both emotions are based on the illusion of our separateness and identification with the body and ego. Being alone for one who has not yet become aware of an inner source of security, satisfaction, self worth, love and purpose is very much like death. Facing loneliness in such conditions is like facing death. There is no life, no source, no happiness, no security, no purpose for living without others for a person who is has not created a relationship with himself or with the divine. We must distinguish between being alone and feeling lonely. One can be surrounded by hundreds of friends, family and admirers and still feel lonely. Another can be alone on a mountaintop for years and not feel lonely. Feeling lonely means not feeling connected to others, to God, to nature or to life. One may be surrounded day and night by persons he does not feel connected to or be alone in a cave and feel connected to God and all of creation. The following questions may help a person feeling lonely. 1. "When do you feel most lonely?" "At what times of day or week and in which situations?"
These various forms of self-doubt are together with fear 2. " What do you feel that you need at those moments in the most basic of all emotions and the causes of most other order to feel more connected with the others or world emotions. We have already dedicate a whole chapter to around you?" this subject, and thus we will get right in the questions. 3. " Is there something which prevents you from contacting other people when you feel lonely?" Do you feel too proud to contact someone, or are you afraid that there will not be the response you want? Or are you afraid of anything else, which prevents you from contacting other people, when you are feeling lonely?" 4. "What do you believe which makes you feel lonely?" 1. " Which are the events, situations or thoughts which come into your mind which trigger some level of this self doubt mechanism in you?" (We will for the purpose of brevity refer to all these emotions as Self-Doubt. You may replace this word with any other which might be more appropriate or more understandable to each person.) 2. "What do you believe in those situations which makes you feel this way?"
5. " What do you believe which makes being alone unacceptable or painful?" 3. "Why do you believe that?".......... " And why do you believe that?" (The questioning goes on as we search for 6. " Do you believe in God?" " If yes, how could you feel the belief behind each answer which is given. " And what His (Her, Its) presence more tangibly in your life, do you believe which makes you believe that?") especially when you are feeling lonely?" 4. "Do you know other people who are similar to you 7. "There are also many other people who feel lonely, such concerning the reason you are doubting your self?" "Do as the elderly, orphans, the ill, blind, deaf, paralyzed etc. you reject them in the same way?" "If not, then why not?" people who may need help. How would you feel about Do you have two standards, one for your self which is more helping these people with their loneliness?" If not, why strict and a more relaxed one for others?" "If yes, then why not?" If yes where and when would you like to begin?" so?" What prevents you from accepting yourself in the same way that you accept others?" 8. "Which beliefs do you need to change here in order to be able to accept being alone?" " How will you change these 5. "Whose beliefs are these, which are creating these beliefs?" feelings? Are they yours or do they belong to some voices from the past i.e. parents, teachers etc.?"
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6. "If in fact, they are not yours, but programmings, would you like to get free from them?" 7. "Is it possible that you might not want to totally accept yourself, that you are getting something out of this, perhaps you feel safe in this role, or perhaps you feel it would be egotistical to accept and love yourself?" 8. " If there were a part of your self which actually wanted to avoid total self acceptance, why might it want that; what might be the gain?" 9. "Are any of these reasons why you feel self doubt actually because you feel that you are immoral, that what you are doing is wrong, that a you are doing to others what you would not like them to do?" If yes, what would you like to do about that?" 10. If you want to change that action mentioned in No.9, how could you do so? What makes you do it? What do you really want which forces you to act in a way which for your own conscience is wrong?" 11. "How can you get free from these needs which are forcing you to behave in a way which is undermining your own self esteem?" 12. "Tell me five positive things about your self, because of which you could accept and respect your self." 13. "Are you ready to create a more positive relationship with yourself?" "If yes, why?" "What are the negative results of your not accepting or loving yourself?" 14. " Do you deserve to love yourself?" If yes, why? If not, Why?" 15. " What are you going to do about this?" When and Where and How?"
ANGER - HATE - RAGE Rage is an advanced form of anger in which are even less in control, something like fear and panic. Hate is a more stabilized condition in which we think very badly of someone and do not want to have contact with him and probably wish the worse for him, perhaps even hoping something bad might happen to him. All three of these emotions, which from here on in we will simply call anger, are secondary emotions in the sense that they arise from other emotions, such as hurt, fear, guilt, injustice, disappointment etc. In general we are controlled by two thoughtforms here: 1. One is that we must have something which the other is obstructing us from having. This could be anything from sleep, food, shelter to our peace of mind or spouse or other person to whom we are attached. 2. The second is that the person towards who we feel this anger is responsible for our reality. If it were not for him, this would not happen. He is responsible for our pain and unhappiness. Now, anger can often be a starting point for major change for an individual or a whole society. Anger which becomes a source of energy and dedication towards transforming the negative and unjust around us is very useful. Also many people have to first learn to feel and accept and express their anger (not necessary at the others, - but in nonviolent and non-harmful ways) before they can refind their self-esteem and empower themselves. Hate on the other hand, has few redeeming qualities, and is based on weakness. A strong person seldom hates. Also there are some cases in which one may need to express anger in order to get a result for which he is responsible. This can be done, however, without demeaning or hurting the other. Thus, we are not interested in suppressing our anger, but rather in recognizing it, accepting it, expressing it in non harmful ways, understanding it and directing its energy in positive directions towards self empowerment and social change.
16. " Do you feel that communicating with others about this may be useful?" Here is a brief list of some common reasons we might feel anger towards someone: 17. " If yes, what do you want to communicate to them?" Then we can follow up with active listening on what needs 1. When others do not agree with me. to be communicated, psychodrama and reverse 2. When they do not understand me. psychodrama and perhaps dialoguing with the part of our 3. When they obstruct me from satisfying my needs. selves which has this emotion. (Remember a need could be psychological, such as the need for acceptance, respect or self-esteem) Give special attention in this case to helping the subject 4. When they do not respect me. express his needs, feelings and beliefs to the others around 5. When they think they are superior. him. This is an integral part of regaining his self-esteem. 6. When they try to control me or suppress me. The subject may at first express these emotions 7. When they criticize me. aggressively, blaming the other due to pent up anger. Allow 8. When they tell lies or gossip about me. this, and if necessary, encourage emotional release. After 9. When they harm me or someone close to me. some time, or perhaps at another session help him make 10. When they have evil intentions or ulterior motives. an "I message" out of his "You message." 11. When they are negative, complaining, whining, Refer to the above chart "General Approach". criticizing etc. Also refer to the various techniques in the chapter on 12. When they think they know it all. Self-Acceptance for ideas about freeing ourselves from 13. When they give me advice I have not asked for. this problem. 14. When they play the role of the victim, the poor me and
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want attention. 15. When they do not take care of themselves or do not carry their load. 16. When they make mistakes 17. When they do not keep their word or appointments. 18. When they are weak and dependent 19. When they act in an egotistical and selfish way disregarding my or others needs 20. When they use me or others. 21. When they are cold and insensitive 22. When they are not responsible to their word or responsibilities 23. When they are lazy 24. When they ignore my needs 25. When they reject me. Other reasons_____________________________
insecurity?" If yes, what" 11. "Do you get angry when you feel others are limiting your freedom?" When and why?" 12. Do you get angry at your self?" For what reasons?" "In which cases do you now see that you reject your self for the same reasons that you reject or get angry at others?" 13. "What do you want to do about this?" 14. "Do you want to be free from your anger?" If yes, why? If yes, what are the negative effects of anger on your life health - relationships, - peace of mind etc.?" 15. If no to no. 14, why?What do you gain by being angry? Perhaps you get a feeling self righteousness or being right and thus the other is wrong and you are okay?" Or perhaps you feel that no one will pay any attention to you, or that others must be punished for their wrongs and it is your responsibility to correct them?" Or something else?"
Now it would be very interesting to go through the same list replacing the word "they" with the word "I" and the logical changes in the rest of the phrase so as to determine when you get angry at yourself. This exercise may also reveal that some of the anger we feel towards others is actually a projection of anger which we have for ourselves, 16. "Do you believe that life is a process of growth and that and how, if we could understand and accept our selves in we have lessons to learn?" If yes then what lesson do you those situations, we might also be able to understand and need to learn here?" accept others. 17. "What exactly do you need from the others?" What do Some questions which may help here are: you want from them? 1. "Which are the situations in which you feel anger?" 18. Have you expressed clearly to the others what you need (Might want to read through the above list one by one.) from them, without accusing or blaming them?" If not, What would you like to express?" 2. " What is it exactly which the others do which makes you feel this way?" From here we go on to active listening concerning expressing needs and beliefs as I messages without 3. " What do you want which these persons are preventing attacking or seeking to hurt or demean the other. Because you from having in these situations?" What is it that you this often means revealing our own weakness, something want to have which is important to you and you are getting which angry people often cannot do, the facilitator might angry because the other is preventing you from having it?" have to do reverse psychodrama to help the subject see how this can be done. For example, after the subject makes 4. "Why is that so important to you?" "If you do not get it his I message probably with a lot of accusation and or keep it, what will happen?" criticism, then the facilitator plays the role of the subject, as the subject plays the role of the person with whom he 5. "What are your basic needs and attachments here which gets angry. The facilitator makes an I message expressing are making you suffer?" his inner needs, feelings, fears and beliefs which lead him to feel anger when the other behaves in that way. 6. "What do you fear will happen is things do not happen Then you can change around again and the subject can the way you want them to?" have another go at it, as the facilitator helps him learn to make I messages. 7. "And if that happens?" ...... the questioning continues until the subject discovers what his deepest fear here is? REJECTING OTHERS - CRITICIZING CONDEMNING - BLAMING 8. "Do you believe that the others are responsible for your feelings or your reality?" "Would you like to take Rejecting or criticizing others may not actually be consider responsibility for creating your own feelings?" an emotion but rather a reaction or behavior caused by our emotions or beliefs. But as they occupy a considerable 9. Does your anger have anything to do with your doubts place in our lives both our as our criticism towards others about your self worth or feelings of self-rejection or guilt? and as the criticism we receive from others, it will be useful Can you see any relationship?" If yes what?" to examine this emotional reaction. In general, we criticize or blame or reject others when they 10. "Does your anger have anything to do with fears or behave in a way which bothers us, or prevents us from
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fulfilling our needs. Or we may reject them because, in that way we establish our own self worth in relationship to them. Another reason is that by criticizing and finding fault in others, we can place the blame for our problems and our reality upon them. They are to blame and we do not need to look at what we might need to learn in this situation where we are not satisfied with what we are creating in our lives. Another reason we might criticize others is because they do things which we do not allow ourselves to do, and thus we feel a type of injustice that we are trying so hard to be "good" or "correct" and the others are not. Thus, they are wrong. We often criticize what we do not understand or whatever we fear or whatever is different. The following list may help some people discover what they criticize so that they then can discover why they feel that need. As Christ said, "Judge not, that you be not judged." " You will be judged by the measure with which you judge." "Let he who has not sinned, throw the first stone." "Look not at the sliver in the others eye, but the log in your own." In other words do not judge or criticize.
21. For not keeping our agreements 22. For ignoring the others needs 23. For being inconsiderate 24. For hurting or harming us or others 25. For gossiping about us or others 26. For the way they dress 27. For the way they express themselves 28. For the way they work 29. For the way they behave _____ how? 30. Because the do the following _____________ 31. Because they do not ___________________ 32. Because in the past they ________________ 33. Other reasons ________________________ Now look through the same list and change the word "they" to "I" and see for which behaviors you reject yourself. In this way we might search for answers to two questions. 1. Whether we tend to reject ourselves for the same behaviors and thus, perhaps our rejecting the other, is a projection of our self-rejection. 2. Whether we might discover that we allow our selves the freedom to do some things for which we reject others, but are very lenient with ourselves. Now that we have discovered the behaviors which annoy us creating negative feelings in us, which then cause us to react by criticizing or rejecting the other person, we can look at the possible reasons why those behaviors bother us. The idea we will be working with here is that since life is process of spiritual evolution, and each event and situation is a lesson in that process, then each behavior which bothers us or causes us to criticize, contains within it something that we can learn. There are four questions which concern us here. These same questions can be asked concerning other matters which bother us such as illness, pain, situations with work, our finances or various events like being robbed, or cheated etc. We will use the word behavior here, but you can have in mind that we also could be analyzing some other unpleasant stimulus. 1. What is there in me which is attracting that behavior from the other (or from life)? 2. What is it that I believe which makes this behavior so unpleasant for me?
BEHAVIORS WHICH WE CRITICIZE OR REJECT IN OTHERS Here is a list of various behaviors which we tend to criticize. See if you tend to be critical in any of these situations, and what you believe which causes you to be. 1. For their egotistical behavior 2. For their immorality 3. For not being consistent with their word 4. For being late for appointments 5. For trying to control others 6. For telling lies 7. For being false - two faced 8. For wanting to be the exception to the rules 9. For being weak 10. For acting as if they are superior 11. For thinking that are very important 12. For not living by the rules 13. For being aloof. 14. For not acknowledging our presence 15. For rejecting us 16. For not being correct 17. For wanting to project themselves 18. For seeking affirmation through what they do 19. For being hypocrites 20. For not working conscientiously
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The following Chapters will be presented in following parts of this handbook.

CHAPTER 19 CHAPTER 20 CHAPTER 21 CHAPTER 22 CHAPTER 23 CHAPTER 24 CHAPTER 25 CHAPTER 26 CHAPTER 27 FEARING OR SUFFERING THE PAIN OF LOVED ONES RECONCILING PERSONAS OR SUBPERSONALITIES RESPONSIBILITY FOR OTHERS THE FLOW OF TRANSFORMATION LIFES LESSONS RELATIONSHIP WORK LOVING OTHERS FINDING OUR LIFE PURPOSE MENTAL EXERCISES FOR SELF THERAPY AND SELF TRANSFORMATION 100 107 115 123 124 132 140 144 147
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A Hand book for Holistic Harmony Life Coaches

Robert Elias Najemy