My memories of early child hood days are full of grief and pain.

I
felt that both these came to me uninvited. I was extremely
sensitive to environment and picked up vibrations with ease. Being a psychic
didn't help and in fact things and phenomenon often tormented me.
I possessed a logical brain and this was more of a curse than a
gift. I often could not answer to things and phenomenon that took place
in my life. May be I did not have enough grey matter for that.

I remember that I could easily pick up the blues of other people

just by looking at them. There were times when I didn't even touch
them and I could see what was happening with them. This feeling
often got transferred to me. I needed answers and this thing
turned me to learn ancient sciences. I meditated and did all those things
mentioned in books. But all these methodologies intensified my
experiences.

Besides posing myself as a salient person I often wandered at

strange places. During this phase I learnt and experienced things
that later turned my life. My first such experience came from a
strange "Mazaar" of a devout Sufi saint. This "Mazaar" is present
in Jaipur. It is a very small place and people are not aware of it.
One of my friends who is a psychic always told me to avoid the path
that passed near from that "Mazaar". This aroused my curiosity and I
often followed the same path. It attracted me and I wanted to see
what was inside. Often it was closed and I did not have a chance
for some time. And one fine day I was passing through it and I saw
that the gates were open.

I was very depressed on that day and things were not turning up as
I wished. I entered the place. It carried the burial tomb of the
sufi saint ( I still do not know the name of my Messiah) . There was no
body and I was not accustomed to "Mohammedan customs". So I set
down in "Vajraasan" like position and bowed my head. I was shocked as I
felt an immediate sensation that somebody was touching my head. I
moved my head up, and there, I saw a cat looking at me. I stood up
and clasped my hands in devotion to the tomb and felt that cat was
licking my feet. I saw that there were two kittens along with her
and they were doing the same thing. I could not explain what
happened but I felt that every strand of my hairs was standing and
I could feel a strange sensation in my spine. It took me another six
minutes and then I came out. I did not even felt to explain this
to myself. There was something happening that I could not explain.
That night I had a very sound sleep.

I got up early in the morning and by chance plugged up the tv set.

A live "Aarti" ceremony of Shree Govind Dev ji was being telecast.
It was the cold days of January and I could see that at least hundred
such people were there for the ceremony. They must have been the
daily visitors. It was easy to imagine that you could reach the
place at 5 am in that bone chilling morning. But it was only easy
to imagine.

The idol of Shree Hari was displayed on the screen. I could not
understand what people liked in that idol (For the first time).
Being an artist I can see that that the idol was not in the right
symmetry. There was surely something that my eyes could not
see..., something that those daily visitors can make out.

So I visited the temple for the first time (This happened first
time in six years of regular visits to different temples except this
one). I first met my school time friend "Manas" who was now the "
Mahant" of Shri Govind Dev Ji temple". I was allowed to sit near
the idol, very near to the "Pat" (The doors near the idol). I could
immediately feel the envious eyes of people standing near bars. At
that moment I just hated myself. But this feeling was not stronger
than the feeling of rational explanation of devotion. After the
sounds of regular bells the curtains were removed.

I still remembered that live picture of black idol; frankly, no

picture in world is as beautiful as was the first glance on that
idol.

I was mesmerized for the time being. I could now see the magnetic
powers the idol possessed. There was no rational explanation. My
mind was lost in beauty and that moment my rational brain was
dead.

I understood what those devotees must have felt in the morning.

The idol was huge and much bigger than what I felt in through
television. The eyes of the idols did carry a mesmerizing effect.
I could feel the burning sensation at my cheeks. Being a man I moved
my face to a different direction. The heavy feeling near my heart
was pulled off. I took a "parikrama" and saw a portrait of " Shree
Nitai Prabhu". The feeling of being "Feeling less" was getting
stronger. As I was trying to explain myself I was almost dead
somewhere. Something else engulfed my rationalism.

When I came out of the temple I could feel a cold sensation near
my head. My eyes were constantly radiating some frozen hue like
thing. I could see that my brain was fighting with my body but at the
same time my body was out of its control. I went near cows and bought
some fodder. I gave it to the cow and there she started licking my
hand. Then lot of them started coming towards me. (In real life I
was much afraid of cows as I was once attacked by the same). But
at that moment there was absolute fearless ness. The cows surrounded
me. It was a very happy moment which I cannot explain in words.
From that day onwards I became a staunch devotee of Shree Hari. This
feeling can only be felt. It is not something that I can put in
words.

You could see the love in small events of your life. One such
event is related to my daily Pooja to the lord. Once during one such
prayer I just felt that I should have possessed a bigger
photograph of Govind Dev Ji. This was a momentary thing and I immediately
discarded it.

After the prayers a person came to consultation. During the

initial know how he told me that he possessed a shop in the temple
premises of Shree Govind Dev Ji temple. I asked him that did he sell the
bigger photographs of Shree Govind Dev Ji.

To my surprise he came back within five minutes. He was carrying

extremely large sized photographs of idols of Shree Hari. I asked
for the price and despite of my repeated attempts to pay him, he
left me a beautiful photograph and an idol of Shree ladoo Gopalji.
Imagine what could have happened to me. Frankly I consider myself
as a very bad person and when God turns up to you for that small
wishes your eyes will definitely show some sort of irritation. It was
clear that someone was watching.

Another incident happened much in the same way. I bought a two

wheeler with my first job and it after four years of use it was
showing signs of several problems. One such day I asked Shree Hari
that whether I can buy a new scooter? However, this feeling was
discarded as I was egoistical enough to ask it from my father.
Logics arrived ASAP.

The very next day my friend called me to her house. There, her
mother told me that she wanted to gift me with something. You can
wonder what that gift can be. It was a new white scooter with
every accessory needed. I could not accept it but after lot of
persuasion from my family and my aunt I finally took it. Wasn't someone
watching? Definitely the practical of " Yogachshemam Vahamayam".
Again why me? I consider my self a dirty cruel brat.

The third incident which showed that he was there happened in a

different way. I was once speeding back to my house. I was very
hungry and wanted to reach home as soon as possible. Just then I
had an immediate urge to first visit my friend who came all the way
from Bombay. His house was on the way and I knew that it can hardly
take five more minutes. I went to his house and was surprised to
witness a ceremony. Some saint (Jain saint) was coming out of their house
and everybody was bowing to him. I also did the same. My immediate
wish was to leave the place as I did not want to disturb his
family with my arrival. Moreover I was afraid of unknown people.

Just when I was leaving, his mother saw me and called me in.
Despite of my wish I entered their house. I met his grandfather and out of
sheer respect I touched his feet. Then I decided to leave and was
just doing so when his grandfather ordered me to sit down for few
minutes. I told him that I have some urgent work at home. He
immediately announced that I will not leave the house without
being fed. His voice was heavy and he told the servants to close down
the heavy gates. This was strange. How could he possibly know that I
was hungry?

Somebody was watching. I was offered food in pure silver utensils.

It was good vegetarian food cooked for the saints and other
people. I could not eat all of it. The lump inside my throat held it back.
I wonder what I have possibly given him? so that it came back
with such intensity. A small place in a big dwelling of mine..., a half
and hour prayer from twenty four long hour .What do we give God?
Please help me. My rationalism is all dead.