IN/2006/ED/4

Masculinity for Boys:

Resource Guide for Peer Educators

United Nations Educational

Scientific and Cultural Organisation
New Delhi
Masculinity for Boys:
Resource Guide for Peer Educators
The opinion expressed in this documents are the
responsibility of the author and do not necessarily reflect
the official positions of UNESCO New Delhi
 Contents
1. Introduction 1

2. Masculinity: The Male Gender 3

Social masculinity vs. natural masculinity
Male gender roles 3
What are some of the important male gender roles? 5
Are these gender roles natural? 6
Do these roles harm men? 7
The race for social manhood 13
Male sexual roles 14
The harm of sexual roles 15
Breaking men from other men 32
How are these roles enforced on men? 36
Role of the media 37
Peer pressure 42
How to tackle peer pressure 48
Mechanisms of men’s oppression 50
Rewards offered by society 50
Punishments given by society 55
Shaming men: a major instrument
of enforcing masculinity roles 56
Proving one’s masculinity 64
The concept of honour 66
Enforcing silence on male issues 67
Self-control 68
Heterosexualisation of society 69
The myth of sex power 79
Invisible power of women 85
3. Understanding Natural Masculinity 88
What is masculine behaviour and what is feminine behaviour? 88
Sexual interest in women 89
Sexual interest in men 95
Masculinity check 105
What is true masculinity? 106
Who is the real namard? 107

4. Men and Femininity 109

Embracing femininity 109
The two-spirited people 110
Respecting women’s rights 111

5. Reclaiming and Celebrating Our Natural Masculinity 114

Reclaiming one’s emotions 115
Accepting and sharing one’s weaknesses and vulnerabilities 116
Creating a safe environment 117
Developing inner strength 117
Conquering one’s ego 118
Giving up fake power 119
Bonding with other boys/men 120
Healing inner pain and hurt 121
Developing one’s positive masculine qualities 122
Developing one’s physical masculinity 122
Bonding with nature 124
Changing the rules, changing society 124

Glossary 126
1. Introduction

“Given our current confusion over the meaning of ‘manliness’, we have nothing to
lose by re-opening the issue” – Waller R. Newell

W hen a girl is born, she remains a female all her life. But a boy
has to ‘earn’ his manhood. Meaning, when he grows up, he has to
‘prove’ that he is a man. This is not about biological proof. It is a
complex set of expectations that he must fulfil. If he fails to do
this, he becomes a ‘lesser’ man. A ‘lesser’ man will have no status
in society, no respect, and he will live an undignified life as a
disempowered person. In India, we abuse such a person by calling
him a namard. Naturally, no one would want to be a namard.
Being able to prove that he is a ‘man’ is the foremost pressure on
a male adolescent. During adolescence and early youth, this pressure
is particularly acute. It is the core of male peer pressure, which is
now a recognised adolescent concern. It is often a matter of life and
death for boys/ men and a failure to prove one’s manhood may even
drive an isolated young man to suicide. This ‘masculinity’ pressure
can turn this otherwise beautiful period of a man’s life into a nightmare.
In spite of the gravity of this pressure, it is hardly recognised as a
male issue. It is also not given much attention by social agencies working
with adolescents, most of which are preoccupied with the female
adolescent’s concerns. Whether in a peer circle or a formal circle, the
issue of masculinity is stigmatised. One is not supposed to talk about
it. There is no place for a boy to seek formal advice or guidance on the
issue. He has to deal with such an important concern of life through
trial and error. Consequently, boys often make mistakes – sometimes
with far-reaching consequences – that could have been avoided. They
are misguided and take wrong decisions, which harm them.
In spite of this immense pressure to prove one’s masculinity
that comes in different and complex forms, there is no clear-cut
definition of masculinity. No one knows for sure what being a
man really implies, and myths abound.
To make matters worse, the male adolescent gets confusing
and contradictory messages about masculinity. The society
(through norms, media, religion, education, etc.) gives one set of
messages. Peers, on the other hand, have their own version, which
does not always correspond to the formal social version. Then
there is the inner voice in the boy, which asks him to do things
that would make him a ‘lesser’ man. He learns to distrust this
voice, distancing himself from his inner self. All this makes the
average man very unhappy.
We are living in times when society is going through a
deluge of ‘Westernisation’. Our old values are fading fast.
Notions about masculinity are also changing. This means more
confusion and trouble for the male adolescent.
Adolescent boys overflow with masculine energy. But there is
no one to help them cultivate this energy and guide it towards a
healthy outlet. Therefore, this energy is suppressed. Sometimes, it
is expressed in extremely negative ways, destroying self and others,
for instance in bloody fights over trivial issues. If the society focuses
on male adolescents, properly cultivating and channelising their
masculinity, it can benefit the society.
Any intervention programme that seeks to address adolescence
issues will be incomplete unless it addresses masculinity. We are
presenting this book titled Masculinity for Boys based on ten years of
YAAR’s work with the male youth in India on the issues of gender
and sexual health. We hope to reduce the ‘fake’ masculinity pressures
on boys with this information. At the same time, we want to help


boys become true men by understanding what real masculinity is.

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 2. Masculinity: The Male Gender
“A woman simply is, but a man must become.” – Camille Paglia
SOCIAL MASCULINITY VS. NATURAL MASCULINITY
“To understand men you have to understand it is nurture, not nature that rules
their lives” – Dr. Stephen Whitehead

The masculinity with which boys are born, is natural masculinity.

This is given by nature.
However, society has created a mechanism whereby it does
not acknowledge this natural masculinity. It has instead created
its own version, which we shall call “social masculinity”. Social
masculinity is not naturally endowed, but has to be granted by
society. Society does not accept a person as a “man” unless he
fulfils certain pre-conditions of roles or expectations of society,
referred to as “male gender and sexual roles”, or “social masculinity
roles”.
‘ S o c i a l m a s c u l i n i t y’ o r ‘s o c i a l m a n h o o d ’ c a n b e
described as the status of being a man socially, as against
his biological maleness/masculinity. A person is not
considered a man without social manhood. This social
m e c h a n i s m i s d e s i g n e d t o c o n t r o l m a l e b e h a v i o u r,
especially male sexual behaviour. The result is silent severe
oppression of men. It harms them in several ways. Its
benefit to the society is also controversial. It only gives
unlimited, unreasonable and undeserved exploitative
social power to a handful of people.

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 Ironically, the things required from men to be socially masculine
may be contrary to the essence of natural masculinity. Some may
even be closer to femininity. These things are falsely propagated as
masculine, to unethically influence male behaviour.
To be real men, men’s goal should be natural masculinity and
not social masculinity. Because only natural masculinity is real. A
man needs to be in touch with his natural masculinity (and
femininity) to live a happy and healthy life. Natural masculinity
provides inner power and strength. It makes the person self-
dependent. If it is removed or blocked, the man becomes dependent
on the society for his masculinity.
Only social power that is earned through natural masculinity is
stable and deserved and real.

Reclaiming natural masculinity

“The freedom of authentic masculinity is an amazing thing to see.” Bill Hybels
Although we are born with natural masculinity, it is originally in
an undeveloped form: like a seed. It needs to be developed during
the course of our life, especially during our adolescence/youth. For
that, it needs to come out. Owing to social pressures, men are
forced to imprison this natural masculinity deep within themselves.
Consequently, it either remains underdeveloped, or develops into
a negative unhealthy form, which is destructive for self and others.
The goal of this book is to help boys liberate their natural
masculinity and cultivate it in a healthy manner, for health and
happiness. It liberates a power which flows from the self and is not
dependent on society. This process of liberation is called reclaiming
and celebrating masculinity.

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 MALE GENDER ROLES
“Real men don’t cry, only wimps do!”
“Kya ladkiyon ki tarah sharma rahe ho!”
We have all been subjected to such comments since childhood.
What is expected and what is ‘not’ expected of us as males has
been hammered into our heads. What are we going to be, how are
we going to dress, what hobbies are we going to take up, what
attitudes are we going to have, what behaviours are we going to
adopt are messages that we keep absorbing from the social
environment around us.
These social do’s and don’ts for men are known as male ‘gender’
or ‘social’ roles or ‘social masculinity roles’. The crucial ones decide
whether a man has the social right to call himself a man.

What are some of the important male gender roles?

Here is a list of expectations from a person because he happens to
be a man:
• Men are expected to be strong, aggressive, tall, handsome,
bold, courageous, rough, tough, emotionless, insensitive,
fearless and practical. They should not be soft, submissive
or weak.
• They are not supposed to have weaknesses or vulnerabilities.
They must not show feelings as these would make them
appear weak or vulnerable.
• They should always be prepared to fight their way. They
should never retreat from a physical fight. Others should
fear them. They should physically defend their family and
work hard to earn to support it. They should choose careers
considered ‘manly’ – engineers, doctors, military, managers,
etc.
• A real man is expected to have hobbies such as smoking,
drinking, fast driving, chasing girls, and playing outdoor

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 sports like cricket, football, etc. They should not have
‘girlie’ hobbies like cooking, decorating, sewing (silai-
kadhai), dancing, etc.
• A real man has ‘sex power’. (We will discuss this in detail
in the chapter on men’s sexual roles)
Some of the other messages that we get are that real men:
• Don’t cry
• Don’t feel pain
• Are not shy
• Hit their women (wife or girlfriend)
• Are not ‘beautiful’, but are ‘smart’
These messages are transmitted to us explicitly and implicitly,
from time to time, especially when we are growing up.

Are these gender roles natural?

“(Social) Masculinity is not something men are born with” – Dr. Stephen
Whitehead
Do you think the expectations from men mentioned above are
natural for men, or are fixed by society artificially?
We have been conditioned to fit into gender roles for so long –
since birth – that we have come to see them as natural, despite
contradictions with our real feelings, needs and desires. When a
conflict between these roles and our own true nature arises (which
is almost always), we often respond by distrusting our feelings and
going by the gender roles.
If we look carefully around us, we will find many examples of
traits in men that do not tally with those mentioned in the list
above. Men are often emotional. Not all men are strong, and not
all the time. No man is aggressive all the time. Many men are
extremely beautiful, many are great cooks. Many men are extremely
creative. Many can do a number of those things not supposed to

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be a man’s forte but women’s. In spite of all that, they are what we
call ‘real men’.
All men cry, even if only when alone. We have emotions and we
feel them deeply. We are not always aggressive. We submit to others
at times. We feel scared. We feel inadequate. We fall sick and we
also feel pain. There are situations when we become shy. And we
do things to appear beautiful and young. For example, men too
conceal their age.
If we look carefully and try to understand, we will realise, whether
we are men or women, we have both the qualities that society
ascribes either to men or women. Under pressure from the society,
we suppress those qualities in us that are not considered
appropriate. At the same time, we pretend to have qualities in us
that we don’t really have, but considered necessary for the gender
that we belong to.
Male gender roles are not ordained by nature, but are artificially
determined by society. This does not mean that men and women
are the same. They have biological and social differences. But these
differences are exaggerated and misrepresented by the gender and
sexual roles.
Gender roles, by restricting human nature, harm men in a
number of ways.

How do these roles harm men?

“Life (for boys) is not about learning how to be, it is about learning how not to be,
what we are” – Neale Donald Walsch
Have you ever thought how it would feel not to have the pressure
to earn money for the family? Did you feel the pressure from your
parents or others because you wanted to study arts or literature
and they wanted you to take up science or commerce so that you
could earn as soon and as much as possible? The gender (and sexual
roles) of men act as a series of unending pressures on them. They
force men to live, think and behave in strict predetermined ways.

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There is no escape from these pressures. Non-compliance has severe
consequences.
Every man has qualities that the society does not deem fit for
men. Survival instinct prompts men to suppress these qualities, or
fulfil them secretly, with guilt/shame.
What would you do if you were cleaning utensils at home, and
suddenly your friends turn up? Won’t you immediately wipe your
hands and try to conceal the fact that you were cleaning utensils?
Otherwise others will be critical saying you’re doing a woman’s
thing.

Case study
Mitesh has aptitude for music. With proper training and
encouragement, he can become a good singer or musician. There
is a feminine boy in his class named Anil, who is teased by
everyone as ladki, including by Mitesh himself.
As Mitesh passed on to the 11th class, he was looking forward
to take music as a subsidiary subject. The only boy who had
joined the music class till now was Anil. The others teased Anil
by saying that he had opted for a ‘girlie’ subject. Mitesh is now
afraid to join the music class because he does not want to be
compared to Anil. Therefore, he takes up electronics, even if his
interest lies in music.

In most middle class Indian families, boys cannot work on their

talent and creativity, as they are required to earn as soon as they
finish their studies. They cannot even opt for a subject of their
choice as they are pressurised to select those subjects perceived to
offer maximum security and financial prospects. Science is THE
subject for boys, followed by Commerce, while Arts is not
considered fit for them.

Case study
Even though Tushar’s father is a good artist, he wants Tushar to
become an engineer or a doctor. He does not want him to waste

8 
 time with colours and brushes. Tushar gets average marks in his
10th class. His Uncle encourage him to take up arts for further
studies. But in his father’s view, one cannot earn a lot doing fine
arts.
His father is extremely disappointed when Tushar cannot get
admission in Science. Tushar settles for Commerce. He tries to
study hard but finds it difficult to concentrate. The subject does
not interest him at all. Besides, he wants to paint whenever he
gets time. He fares averagely in his 12th boards.
His father makes him take up Cost Accountancy alongside
graduation. He studies extremely hard, leaves all his artistic
pursuits, but fails halfway. He is broken. His father forces him to
study harder this time. It affects Tushar so severely, he becomes
suicidal. While appearing for his last paper, Tushar decides that
he will not continue with ICWA. Now Tushar is totally confused
about his career.

The hobbies that boys are supposed to pursue also have a negative
effect on their lives. Fast driving, smoking, drinking, fighting, eve
teasing, can harm their health and safety. But boys do these so
that they can be called ‘men’.
Gender roles restrict the fluidity in a boy’s behaviour by
restricting his ability to act according to the situation. Gender
roles have fixed in advance what is expected of him in all situations.
Men have been made so insecure about their (social) masculinity
by the society that they will do anything propagated as ‘what men
do’, and avoid anything propagated as what men do not do, even if
it goes against their nature.
Under the pressure of social masculinity roles, men suppress
their basic nature. Male roles require them to be what is often not
possible without tampering with nature.
You could be a great fighter, but if your life is spent fighting
yourself, you are going to be a loser.
Let’s look at some of the other ways in which gender roles harm men.

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i. Harmful effects of the pressure to appear strong
“Mard ko dard nahin hota” (a real man does not feel pain) – a dialogue
from a Hindi Movie
Under continuous pressure to appear strong, a boy learns that it
is not acceptable to let other people know of his weaknesses and
vulnerabilities. He is unable to accept defeat or rejection. For
example, saying ‘sorry’ is difficult for most men.
Boys pretend that they are born ‘perfect’, with all the qualities
required to fulfil the social masculinity roles. Their masculinity
roles give them huge egos. This pressure to be always strong, perfect
and flawless makes a boy keep all his internal issues to himself,
which makes life extremely stressful.
This also means that for most of his ‘real’ problems, he cannot
seek guidance or help, and has to find his own way, through trial
and error. Thus boys make many mistakes in their youth, about
which they repent later on. These mistakes could be avoided if
only they could just talk to someone.

ii. Harmful effects of the pressure to suppress emotions

“My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask” – Jill Zevallos -
Solak
Imagine, if you did not have the pressure to appear strong all the
time, then, in moments of despair, instead of crying in isolation,
you would have cried on the shoulders of someone who could give
you emotional support. Men are also human beings, with feelings,
and they need to cry and share their inner pain with people they
consider close. They need to love and be loved.
Social masculinity roles make no concessions for emotions. The
pressure to suppress emotions is a key social mechanism of male
oppression. However, emotions play an important part in our lives.
They are our only contact with our inner voice. When boys
suppress emotions, they lose touch with their inner voice, the voice
of our true nature, needs and desires. Consequently, men end up

10 
not knowing what they really need deep down. Therefore, true
happiness often evades them.
From an early age, men learn to distrust their feelings, their
inner voice. They become scared of their inner feelings and desires,
as these always seem to get them into trouble and invite people’s
wrath or ridicule. For instance, when they get hurt and cry, someone
may tell them it is not proper for a boy to cry. Or when they feel
scared, they may be told that a boy should never feel scared. Or
that he should not dance or wear pink or be seen with dolls.
Such injunctions affect a boy’s psyche, and he starts seeing these
acts as unbecoming. He hates the feelings that prompt him to do
these things. Slowly he learns to use only his brain, and do only
what he is trained to do: like a dog.
Due to prolonged suppression of feelings, most men lose the
ability to identify their own emotions and express them. This is a
frightening situation. Because they suppress their emotions so
fiercely, men become insensitive and hardened. This results in their
inability to fulfil the emotional needs of people they have
relationships with — whether as sons, brothers, friends, lovers or
husbands. They end up not caring for other people’s feelings.
Men sacrifice a lot of their real self to become what the society
wants them to be. But they cannot suppress all feelings and needs
forever, as that causes deep pain within. When men are unable to
suppress a particular feeling, they learn to lead double lives, by
expressing those feelings secretly, but on the outside maintaining a
‘clean’ image. This is extremely stressful.
Modern societies propagate male emotionality as an unmanly
quality. It encourages men to be unemotional, logical and practical, as
if they are computers. However, in most traditional societies, male
emotions were celebrated as masculine, often through prose and poetry.
Men were encouraged to be emotional. Men became great poets and
philosophers.
Today men have become very distanced from their emotions.
They have lost the capacity to feel. They don’t use the ‘emotional’

11 
side of their brain much. Some people claim that men are naturally
not emotional. But this is not true. Men are trained to become
emotionless, so that society can continue to oppress them. It is
illogical to think that nature would deprive men of emotions and
feelings, which are an important source of connection with their
true nature.

iii. Stressful and fake lives

“Don’t be fooled by what I’m saying. Please hear what I’m not saying.” ——
Jill Zevallos – Solak
Because of these pressures, men accumulate layers of hurt, pain,
suppressed emotions and unfulfilled desires. These tensions build
up over a lifetime and make them prone to – among other things
– sudden fatal illnesses like heart attacks. Do you know that men
are several times more prone to heart attacks than women?
Men become so adept at living a fake life that they seldom mean
what they say, especially about their feelings, inner needs and
desires. When they feel love, they may not be able to express it.
And even when they don’t feel love, they may be prompted to say
it, if the masculine roles so demand. They become cautious about
what they say; only saying what they are supposed to say.
Often what men don’t say reflects a lot about what is going on
inside them than what they do say. That is, men often communicate
through silence about forbidden things. They express many inner
needs and desires in suppressed unspoken codes. In the world of
men, what is seen is not always what happens inside, and what
really happens inside is often carefully hidden from the outer world.
Men wear several masks to hide their true self.
The irony is that society has fooled men so much that men feel
powerful and in control when they manage to fit themselves into
social roles.

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iv. Miscellaneous harmful effects
“I wear a thousand masks, masks that I am afraid to take off, and none of them
is me” – Jill Zevallos - Solak
These roles and expectations harm every aspect of a man’s life: his
health, his relationships and his happiness. Since no man can ever
fulfill all these expectations, men often develop inferiority complexes
and insecurities.
Gender roles of men also harm women, both directly and
indirectly. As long as men are bound in chains, they can never be
receptive to the idea of women’s liberation, as has been seen during
several decades of movement for women’s rights. Men are often
insensitive to the sufferings of women as they are insensitive to their
own sufferings. Because men are detached from their own emotions,
they fail to fulfil the emotional needs and aspirations of women they
have relationships with. As earning a livelihood is seen as a male
domain, men do not take kindly to women taking up their jobs.

The race for social manhood

“The tragedy of machismo is that a man is never quite man enough”
– Germaine Greer
How do you feel when you are amongst other boys, especially
when you meet them for the first time? You feel a certain hostility
and competition in the air. You know that you have to put the
other person down before he gets the chance to do it to you.
Whoever loses, will lose respect.
We call this competition the ‘race for social manhood’. We have
been running so long in this race that we have moved far away
from our own selves. We want to get as far ahead in this race as
possible, as our entire self and social worth depends on it. If we
have to trample others along the way, we don’t care. Under these
circumstances, boys who show sensitivity towards others are run
down. Competition has made men mean and cruel. This has also
kept them from getting affection from other men.

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 Whenever we meet a man, we try to subconsciously judge
whether he is ahead or behind us in this race. In other words, is
he more ‘man’ than us or less. This determines our relationship
with that man. If he is more ‘man’ than us, we treat him with
respect. If, on the other hand, he is judged less ‘man’ than us, we
don’t consider him fit for respect and try to dominate him. We
feel superior doing this, and reassure ourselves of having established
a better position in this race. Isn’t that how we treat women?
Only, we don’t have to compete with women, because they are
not in this race at all.
So where do we want to reach in this race? We strive to achieve
as many social masculinity roles as possible, especially the critical
ones. But it is not possible for any one man to achieve all of them –
it is not even desirable. So, we just try to fit into them as much as
possible. The rest, we just pretend to have achieved, putting on
fake masks of social masculinity.
However, running this futile race endlessly, trying to achieve
the impossible, we run too far away from our true selves. We become
strangers to ourselves, far removed from our real nature, traits,
needs and desires. Like slaves we spend our entire lives trying to
meet gender and sexual expectations.
We can find happiness in life only if we are allowed to be and do
what our inner soul asks of us. In trying to be ‘real men’, we have
forgotten to listen to our inner voice. We have even forgotten to
recognise it.
In their misguided quest to be ‘real men’, men have stopped being
even real humans!

MALE SEXUAL ROLES

“We doubt that you’re a man. You are not even married!” – a ‘humourous’
comment from a laughter show on an Indian TV channel
We have not yet discussed the most important yet harmful roles of
men. The most crucial expectations of men are in the sexual arena.

14 
The most important controls that society puts on men is on his
sex and love life.
The following would briefly sum up the sexual expectations
from men prevalent at this time in Indian cities. These roles vary
according to region, period in history and socio-economic strata in
society.
- A man should have unflinching sexual interest in women.
- This interest should be present all the time..
- He should have a big penis.
- He should have perfectly hard erections, which should
stay till the woman reaches orgasm – at any time the woman
wants sex.
- A man should be able to sexually satisfy women.
- A man should be able to produce children.
- A masculine male wishes to penetrate (and a feminine male,
like women, wants to get penetrated)
- A man may not have any sexual interest in other males
beyond wanting to penetrate them.
- A man may not love another man.
- Above all, a man should get married.
Not all of these sexual roles are expressed in words. Many are
implicit. Like gender roles, sexual roles too are not fixed by nature,
but by society.

The harm of sexual roles

“The concept of machismo encourages men to be promiscuous to prove their
masculinity” – Population reports
Sexual roles are the most harmful to men. Some of the common
adverse effects of male sexual roles on men and boys are discussed
under the following heads:

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1. Pressure to exaggerate sexual desire for girls:
When boys mean to say ‘no’ to a girl, they say ‘yes’.
Man has lost the capacity to take sex as natural. Sex has become
the most crucial tool for him to get that coveted social masculinity/
power. How and with whom he can or cannot form sexual bonds
with, has been rigidly laid down.
The pressure to exaggerate sexual desire for women than is natural
for men has several ramifications – for men, for women and for the
society as a whole. With this pressure, society ensures that most
men participate in reproduction (although in the modern over
populated world, we don’t need to increase population). A number
of social evils arise owing to this manipulation of men’s natural
sexual drive. For example, when manhood and social power comes
from encounters with women, and chasing females is glorified as
the natural essence of being a man, some men may abuse this
power by raping and molesting women.
Even common men derive social power from acts like eve-teasing,
which most women don’t enjoy. On the one hand, women gain
‘invisible’ control over men by being the source of their social
masculinity.
But most men, even when they eve-tease or have multiple female
sex partners, act under immense pressure to earn social masculinity
(popularly known as ‘proving one’s masculinity’) in the race for
manhood. What their inner self needs becomes immaterial. Many
men stop enjoying sex and indulge in it only as a power source.
Men not only fail to enjoy sex, but also live under tremendous
stress. Furthermore, their preoccupation with sex as a power source
prevents them from developing positive intimacy with women that
they bond with. They treat women only as sex objects or a social
power source. Some men, on the other hand, start taking so much
interest in sex (as to treat sex as casual is encouraged in boys) that
they lose interest in developing emotional intimacy.

16 
 Case study
Sunil, who is in Class 12, has made a girlfriend Reena. She wants
emotional attachment with him. But Sunil only wants to have sex
with her. Reena, however, does not feel like having sex at this
point of time.
Sunil is desperate to make Reena agree to sleep with him. He
knows that if he has sex with her, his position in his peer group
and his self-image as a man will increase like never before. He
tries to manipulate Reena by pretending that he loves her.

Case study
Dinesh is in Class 12, and has made a girlfriend, Savita. They
mutually decide to have sex. For Savita, it is a precious little
secret of theirs – an intimate, private moment that they have
both shared, that nobody should know about.
However, Dinesh treats it differently. He is extremely proud of
having made a girlfriend and feels all-powerful and masculine. As
if he has made the most important accomplishment possible for
a man. He tells all his friends about it in order to ‘encash’ his
achievement.
When Savita comes to know that by now nearly everyone is
aware of their sex incident, she is devastated. She is now treated
like a whore by the others. She cannot understand how Dinesh
could do this to her.

Gender and sexual roles of men encourage men to be

promiscuous and have multiple female partners. The greater the
number of female sexual partners a man has, the more ‘macho’ he
is considered. This is the reason why some adolescent boys get
into sexual activities early in life – without proper information –
making them vulnerable to AIDS/HIV and STIs.
The social power boys derive from sex with girls also makes
them brag and exaggerate about their (often false) sexual escapades
to impress other boys. The pressure to exaggerate sexual interest in

17 
women affects young men and adolescents the most, as they have
not yet proven their masculinity (since they are not married). This
makes them vulnerable and insecure. This is the root of male peer
pressure, and creates unnecessary stress. This is the most important
reason why boys seek sex with girls.

Case study
Sumit and Vinay are both in the 11th standard in the same school.
Sumit is two years younger than Vinay. They live close to each
other and so have become great friends. Every evening they
both go to the local market for a stroll. But all Vinay does is talk
about girls and ogle at them. It is fun, plus, it makes him feel like
a man. Sumit does not have as pronounced sexual feelings as
Vinay. Looking at girls is pleasant, but Vinay seems to be
obsessed and Sumit can’t keep pace with him.
Vinay has commented twice on Sumit’s apparent lack of sexual
interest in girls – in an incriminating tone. This has unnerved Sumit.
For the past one year he has trained himself to look at each and
every girl he comes across – turning back at times to look at
them even when he couldn’t care less. It is a lot of mental stress
for him, but he does not want his ‘masculinity’ to be questioned.
He looks at girls even when no one is watching him, as if to prove
to himself that he does have an interest in girls. Like other boys,
he wants to fit into sexual masculinity roles.

2. Harmful effects of treating sex as a source of power

“…..people do not eat bull’s testicles or powdered rhinocerous horn to increase their
capacity for tension release or sensual responsiveness (much less to achieve greater
intimacy) ….. sex is a test of adequacy….. of virility for men…..” – Bernard
Apfelbaum, PhD
When sex is turned into a source of power for men, it gives rise to
several individual and social problems. For example, men lose the
capacity to enjoy sex as natural. They start mistreating and harassing
women. Men start oppressing other men with power that is not

18 
earned or deserved. Worst of all, it leads to unfair and unwarranted
subjugation of men at the hands of women, leaving men vulnerable
to exploitation. This issue is discussed in detail in a later chapter
titled ‘Sex Power’.

3. Pressure to suppress sexual need for men

When a boy wants to say ‘yes’ to a boy, he says ‘no’.
Suppressing the sexual need for men has its own complications.
This instinct has its origin in the days when human beings lived
in the wild and male sexual bonds kept them together in male
groups, supporting and caring for each other.
Much later, as the marriage institution evolved, it started forcing
men to stop bonding sexually with men because it was impossible
to bind men into marriage if they cherished their male bonds.
Gradually, the pressure became so intense that not only did bonds
between men became taboo, but even the feelings that drove men
towards other men were stigmatised. However, the feelings still
exist, and men in each generation have to deal with them afresh.
Most men experience sexual feelings for other men. These are
especially intense during adolescence/youth. Most men suppress
and disown these feelings, even if they trouble them from time to
time and cause stress.
In male-only groups where complete suppression of such feelings
is impossible, men keep getting emotionally and sexually attached
to other men. Having casual but superficial sex between them in
such male-only groups is fairly easy, while sleeping or bathing
together, etc. Masculinity roles allow such acts as long as they are
not given much importance, are kept secret and are camouflaged
by an acceptable excuse. Men do have an ‘acceptable’ excuse in
such circumstances: that they do not have women. However, men
don’t allow themselves to ‘love’ other men because such an
emotional attachment is forbidden by social masculinity. In
traditional societies however, intense sexual/emotional bonds persist
in the guise of deep friendships.

19 
 But sometimes, in spite of suppression, men do get emotionally
attached with other men. Then they have a tough time trying to
break themselves off, as it can be emotionally painful.

Case study
Sixteen-year-old Manoj struck up a friendship with 23-year-old
Deepak, a tenant in his neighourhood. Once on a visit, Deepak
took his hand in his own and they kept sitting this way for hours.
Manoj liked it, but felt uneasy. Now this became a daily routine.
Manoj would silently allow Deepak to hold his hand. He wanted
Deepak to initiate more intimacy, but considered it beyond his
manhood to try anything himself. Manoj struggled with his feelings
but was uncontrollably drawn towards Deepak.
This continued for three months. Once they fought over a minor
issue and Manoj stopped visiting him. A month later, Deepak
wrote him a letter saying that he was in love with him and could
not live without him. He said that he thought Manoj also loved
him.
While Manoj liked the fact that Deepak had fallen in love with
him, he hated to be thought of as a man who would love a man. He
wanted to be seen as just biding his time with Deepak, while not
having any real interest. By acknowledging their relationship, Deepak
had made it impossible for Manoj to carry on their bond without
jeopardising his ‘manhood’ in his own eyes.
He went over to Deepak’s house in anger and tore the letter.
He said that he had no interest in men whatsoever. He came
back and cried for hours and was depressed for a long time.
Deepak left that neighbourhood a week later, never to see him
again. One year has passed. Manoj is still fighting with his feelings.

There is an implicit understanding between men in such bonds

that everything will be done quietly, under an excuse – while
pretending that these things have never happened. Men see an
open acknowledgment of sexual interest as betrayal of this
understanding.
Often, when men get emotionally close to other men, they

20 
behave in ways exactly opposite to what their feelings of love ask
them to. They would be rude to that person and avoid spending
time with him. They would give the impression that the person
does not mean anything to them. Of course no human relationship
can survive such hostility. When men finally break off from the
one they love, they feel relieved, as if they have avoided a disaster.
Of course, breaking the relationship creates a void within them
that stays throughout life.

Hostility towards male-male desire

“homo!”
As boys grow up, they hear such adverse comments about male-
male sexual interest — often as part of peer pressure — that most
of them develop deep hatred against their own feelings. They fight
with it, suppress it, kill it, divert it disown it and hide it. Often,
overcoming their sexual need for another man becomes a major
obsession. Since these feelings are most intense during adolescence
and youth, the struggle is the most intense during this time. Boys
learn to wear a number of masks of ‘power’ (e.g. they may incessantly
talk about girls or have girlfriends) to hide their struggle. While
they burn inside, they appear cool, calm and controlled outside.
During this struggle, many boys also experience superficial sex
with other boys/men. Such bonds are deliberately kept superficial,
even if there is a strong emotional attachment. It is easy to suppress
emotional needs, even if it has long-term harmful effects. But sexual
desire can momentarily be overwhelming and boys can easily give
in. The sense of shame afterwards is enough to make most boys to
– what scientists call – “come out of the phase” eventually. In
reality, eventually they build an inner mechanism to rein in their
sexual need for men. They deaden the need, often cruelly. Most
boys have ‘achieved’ this (and they feel proud and relieved) by the
time they are 19 or 20. But when they kill this need, they also kill
an important part of themselves, their power to bond, their power
to love – and also an important source of their natural masculinity.

21 
 This extreme (but acquired) hatred for male-male sexual need is
also externalised. It comes out in outward hostility towards male-
male sex, and in jokes that boys crack about it. This also serves to
keep peer pressure on one another. There are clichés that boys use
to denigrate these feelings (e.g. I have the same ‘thing’, i.e. penis,
as you, so why should there be any sexual attraction?). These clichés
are handed down from generation to generation. The terms of abuse
that boys use also have abundant references to sexual activity between
men, especially penetrative anal sex.
There is an interesting observation that men who unusually or
violently put down sex between men, often harbour strong
unresolved feelings for men themselves. Therefore, intense inner
struggle with one’s sexual feelings make men behave violently or
negatively to such bonds. (Because of this deep hatred, some boys
victimise the rare boy who openly seeks sex with boys – who in
most cases is a feminine boy – at the same time (ab)using him to
fulfil their own suppressed sexual desires. They may have sex with
the boy and then circulate the word about him being a ‘homo’,
which subjects the boy to group humiliation, ridicule and abuse.
But most masculine boys, when they have sex with another
masculine boy, are likely to keep quiet about it. At the same time,
they will take all precautions to make it seem they are just having
fun and don’t place any significance to this bond while stressing
sexual interest in girls emphatically to reduce their vulnerability.

The diversion process

Extreme measures and mechanisms are put in place – both at the
individual and the social level – to block, suppress or kill men’s
sexual need for men, and to divert this need towards women. These
mechanisms include social restrictions, barriers, mispropaganda,
rewards and punishments, apart from manipulation of social
masculinity.
These measures are put in place before the individual experiences
positive male intimacy or has the chance to develop his sexual
need for men in a healthy manner. This means that adolescence is

22 
an extremely crucial stage for building this mechanism. If society
fails to put this in place during adolescence, it has little chance in
diverting/ restricting this invaluable male power.
Effective measures have been in place to ensure that the evidences
of this ‘diversion’ are well-hidden. No discussion of this issue is
permitted in society. Added to the fact that this has been in place
for a long time, it is hardly surprising that male sexual attention
‘naturally’ appears to be solely towards women.
By the end of this diversion process – and after innumerable
harmful side-effects to the individual – men come out with a
diverted, bruised or mutilated sexual need that makes them
incapable of forming intimate bonds with men —- although in
most cases this need survives in suppressed forms.
Many feminine males do not go through this diversion process
– because they don’t consider themselves ‘men’. They find solace
in separate social identities such as ‘Hijra’ or ‘homosexual’ which
accommodate and recognize their femininity.
There will always be some masculine boys who experience
positive male intimacy before their same sex need is mutilated.
The ‘diversion’ process will fail to have much effect on such boys.
They may go on to develop a strong sexual/ emotional need for
men. But life will be difficult for them — more so if they don’t
have a sexual need for women. Their well-developed sexual need
will find no space in society. They will suffer consequently. But
unlike feminine males who become homosexuals, they will suffer
in isolation and silence. Most of them will get married. No one
will know of their plight. It will go unacknowledged. They will
have to undertake enormous social risks to fulfil even superficial
sexual needs. There is no space for them to fulfil their emotional
needs. In frustration, they may either lead a totally non-sexual
life or become promiscuous, especially as they grow older, and
chances of finding an emotional partner diminishes. As they grow
older, their desperation may grow, and they may start taking
greater social/individual risks to find sex, may use unhealthy ways,
and a few may turn anti-social to fulfil their sexual needs. In a

23 
heterosexual society, they will face another enormous social risk
of being labelled a ‘homosexual’and thrown into the homosexual
space.
In the case of the rest of the boys, what remains of their sexual
need for men after the diversion process, is a highly negative/
deformed sexuality. This may come out in suppressed, superficial
and unattached sex with other boys/men, or worse, in situations
where men are in a position of physical power over other men due
to social circumstances – in ragging, prison abuses, etc.

Summary
The social mechanism of man’s oppression, through social
masculinity pressures, has created such circumstances that the
driving force in men’s lives is the pursuance of outer power.
Everything else becomes secondary – be it feelings, relationships,
bonds, loyalty, character ….
Human beings, especially men, care about only those feelings
that are valued by society, value only those relationships that
are sanctioned, institutionalised and celebrated by the society
(more the importance and significance given by the society,
more it is valued by the individual). They celebrate only those
events/feelings/relationships that have social value. Since society
has long discarded and dishonoured male-male intimacy, men
fail to honour these needs and bonds, however intense these
may be. Indeed ‘civilised’ societies have not institutionalized
even friendships between men. Male friendships are also seen
as more or less eyesores for the institution of marriage.
Male need for intimacy with another man is a reality and cannot
be wished away. Suppressing this important human instinct harms
men in a number of ways. For one, it breaks man from man. A
typical heterosexualised man is unable to relate with another man
at any significant level. In modern heterosexual societies, deep
friendships between men have become a thing of the past. Broken
from each other, men become isolated and vulnerable, unable to
protect even their most basic interests in society.

24 
 For another, it takes men away from the most important source
of their natural masculinity.

Pressure to ‘exaggerate sexual need for girls’ and ‘suppress

sexual need for boys’ in a mixed gender setting
In our discussion in (1) and (3) above we mainly talked about
a traditional society. In a modern mixed gender setting the
pressures are taken to an extreme level, and are in fact replaced
with the pressure to be heterosexual. ‘heterosexual’ is a social
identity which signifies:
- a complete sexual allegiance towards women;
- a complete sexual repulsion against men.
In a heterosexual society, girls are present in almost every
social space of boys. Girl-boy casual is expected and
encouraged by the society. There is no socially acceptable
excuse for a ‘normal’ boy to not date girls to prove his
manhood. It is no more enough to prove one’s sexual interest
merely by talking about girls or by bragging or eve-teasing.
In fact the traditional concept of manhood is replaced by
the new concept of ‘heterosexuality’. In traditional societies
it was the ‘capability’ to have sex with girls which was
important not ‘interest’. The heterosexual identity requires
an active interest, not only in sex with girls but also in bonding
with them.
While girls are liberated from strict gender and sexual roles
in these settings, male sexual roles get especially intense. Girls,
who suddenly have a direct power over boys, have lots of
opportunities to exercise this power as well as the social
sanction to do so, now easily exploit boys. Not only does the
role of girls as source of social masculinity become more
prominent, girls also have more direct power here to
pronounce men namard. This is a poor model of gender
equality.

25 
 A refusal to have sex with girls will immediately make you
a ‘homosexual’. ‘homosexual’ is the new ‘namard’ —— only
it is a separate social identity with the third sex and is thus
much more devastating for men. Any acknowledgement of
same-sex needs would make a man an outcast — a
homosexual, which automatically emasculates him and invests
him with a social femininity.
Needless to say that there is no scope at all for sex between
males to take place, leave alone emotional bonds. It’s an open
society now and unlike traditional societies, there are no social
‘purdahs’. Besides, there are no excuses, as girls are always
available. You can’t sexually bond with another boy without
being forced to leave your social masculinity and being isolated
as ‘gay’. In fact this new social masculinity creates an intensely
hostile competition amongst men to prove their repulsion
for anything remotely erotic between men. Men are actively
trained and expected to be disgusted and act in a hostile
manner to anything sexual between two men.

Case study:
In a movie on Alexander the great the media generated a big
controversy in the US over a kissing scene between Alexander
and Hephaistion, alleging that men are greatly repulsed by such
scenes, and so they should not be shown.

Indeed the situation is so hostile in the heterosexual west

that men are scared to touch each other’s hands or be
physically close to each other.
Needless to say that most men adopt the heterosexual
identity even at great personal costs.

4. Sexual problems
“the more a man thinks about how much he needs to get and maintain an
erection, the more difficult it becomes.” – Jack Challem

26 
 Tampering with natural sexual lives of men gives rise to sexual
problems which, though seen as diseases, are actually there
because of socio-sexual pressures. But men are extremely worried
about them because it is believed that they come in the way of
‘satisfying’ women, thus making men namards. These problems
include premature ejaculation, those related with erection, size
of the penis, angle of the penis, and several other minor concerns.
Unscrupulous ‘sex’ clinics thrive in India, which exploit men by
promising to cure them.
Nowadays, even qualified doctors make a claim to treat such
problems, calling them diseases, yet most of these doctors are
unscrupulous. They play up the worries of ignorant men, conduct
expensive tests, and give expensive medicines, when they suffer
from nothing that medicines can cure. While medicines fail to
have any real effect, any minor relief is purely psychological, as
these are basically psychosexual problems and are best addressed
with counseling

5. Sexual exploitation of men

“Most people still snicker about female harassment of males”
— Harsh Luther
The social masculinity roles regarding the sexual conduct of men
make them victims of sexual exploitation. They suffer the trauma
associated with sexual abuse, but their abuse is not seen. They
often themselves give in. There is no way they can complain without
compromising their manhood.
A man, when approached by a woman for sex, is not supposed
to say ‘no’. The society judges a man’s manhood on the basis of his
‘ability’ to empty into a vagina. The ‘invisible’ but real power that
has been granted to females to proclaim a man mard or namard
obligates the man to have sex with her even if he does not want to,
in order to save his manhood and honour.

27 
 Case study
Ravi is a handsome 21-year-old young man working in an office
in Delhi. He has a problem that often, when having sex, he does
not get a proper erection. When counselled, he reported that he
does not always like the girls that he has sex with. Sometimes
he even feels nauseated having to sleep with them.
When asked why he has sex with girls whom he does not like, he
says that the girls themselves approach him, and he cannot say no
to them, lest they call him chakka (a eunuch/ hijra/member of the
third sex). He has accepted his fate of having to have sex with
people he can’t stand. But such is the irony of male sexual roles that
he himself takes the ‘blame’ for his predicament.

Case study
Sailendra is in Class 10. He used to go to get tuitions from a ‘Didi’
living in the neighbourhood. While tutoring him, she started making
physical advances. He did not have the option to say no, especially
as an adolescent when the pressures to prove he is a man are
most severe. He lost his virginity to her, but he hated doing so.

Society would not think much about the plight of Ravi or

Sailendra. However, if the same thing happens to a girl, it is
considered a major issue.
Women who misuse the ‘invisible’ power to pressurise men to
have sex with them are mostly sexually aggressive women. They
have little power in traditional societies. But in heterosexual societies
they are given unregulated and exploitative powers.
Marriage is an institution that is especially taxing and restricting
for many men. For this reason, men have tried to escape from it in all
ages. In fact, if it were not for strict social pressure, few men would
get married. In some cases marriages can be negative and harmful for
the couples. Expecting or forcing boys and girls to get married (or to
be ‘heterosexual’, in the west) as a rule, whether through direct or
indirect means, is also a form of sexual abuse ordained by society.

28 
 Case study
Sonu is a virile, masculine boy who does not have much interest
in girls. Most of his sexual needs are for a male partner. He does
not want to get married to a girl. But society puts pressure on
him. Even questions his manhood. He finally gives in.
One year into marriage, he hates to sleep with his wife. Now
he feels so bad about it that he dreads returning home every
evening from work, but he has to perform his duty. Everybody
else thinks he is a very happy man.

Sexual exploitation in Heterosexualised environment

“A man feels no shame” – a heterosexual cliché meaning he should not have a
sense of modesty in front of women
Modern heterosexual societies take sexual exploitation of men to
new heights – often with official sanction. Grown-up boys and
young men in the West are required to strip naked before female
doctors, nurses, or officials, for compulsory check-ups that are
required for entry into several government programmes, in sports
and the army etc. It is said that if you are a sportsman, you cannot
avoid that.
Unfortunately, with the heterosexualisation of the Indian society,
the practice has now come to India. Only a few years ago it would
have been unimaginable. Indian men have a different sense of
modesty than Western men. Many are not comfortable stripping
before women, even for sex.

Case study
Eighteen to 23-year-old boys who appeared for a physical test at
the Indian Military Academy in Dehradun were shocked when
they were made to stand in a row in their underwear, and a female
officer ordered to take them off. In the beginning they hesitated
and just stood there, hanging their heads in shame. But the female
officer forced them to comply, challenging their masculinity. In
the strict military establishment they did not have any other option.

29 
 Having their genitals inspected by a female was a haranguing
experience, when most had never even stripped before a man.
None of the boys could complain, as it would make him a laughing
stock, and any complaint would not be taken seriously. This
practice is now common in the joint forces.

A similar army incident where a girl was asked to strip in front

of a male doctor resulted in a hue and cry. Unfortunately, society
uses different standards for boys and girls. That is not real equality.
While the major public hospitals in Indian meteropolitan cities
take adequate precautions to safeguard the modesty of women,
they treat their male patients with insensitivity.

Case Study
In an east Delhi hospital an unconscious youth lay naked in the
emergency hall, in full public view, including many women. This,
when there were screens available in the hospital.

Case Study
Asif, a youth from a lower middle class family visiting a govt
hospital in Delhi was scolded when he pleaded to be examined
by a male doctor instead of a female.

Moderate forms of initiation rites that also involved nudity has

been a part of male-only groups since ancient times (when
masculine eroticism was glorified). It was beneficial in the bonding
between newcomers and seniors. As society changed, such rites
took the negative form of ragging. When rogue elements get
involved today, ragging can get extremely cruel.
But things changed drastically when in the West boys’ hostels
opened to girls. Now, ragging in the West almost always involve
boys being forcibly stripped by girls (with the backing of male
seniors) or made to masturbate in front of them or be fondled by
them. Interestingly, this opposite-sex ragging or hazing does not
victimise girls.

30 
 Allowing girls access to boys’ hostels facilitate such horrendous
practices. For girls are as likely to sexually exploit/abuse, if given a
chance, as are boys. But while boys can (in most cases) deal with
boys, the social masculinity roles render them helpless to deal with
girls as sexual abusers. Unfortunately, such practices are now being
forced upon the helpless Indian male.

Case study
According to a newspaper report in June 2005, a leading college
in Delhi will have a new common hostel for men and women.
While boys will live on the ground floor, girls will live on the first
floor. The authorities have taken adequate measures to see that
boys don’t enter the girls area. No one cares if girls enter the
boys area.
College officials claim that the new facilities are being
introduced to improve the image of the college. The media praised
the decision as a bold effort. There are two more institutes in
Delhi where men and women share hostels.

Case study
A fresher student in a leading medical college in Delhi was asked
to come to the doctors room in the ward by the seniors and made
to strip naked. To the utter shock of the boy, the seniors then
called the nurse on duty into the room on the pretext of making
coffee, and made the boy masturbate in her presence. The
incident, like most others, went unreported.

Being sexually humiliated in front of females affects men

tremendously. Apart from the sexual trauma and a sense of being
forcibly exposed/violated/abused, they are also in a situation where
they lose their sexual masculinity masks that they badly need in
the race for social manhood or for status as a man. But their modern
sexual roles prevent them from resisting, complaining or from
seeking redressal. Heterosexual roles expect him to enjoy any sexual
interaction with women and not to be shy or to show modesty.

31 
 Traditional masculinity roles placed no such demand on men.
In fact, a man was supposed to protect his modesty in front of
women. Such forced exposure would have been considered a blot
on one’s manhood. That is the dilemma of being a man in the
modern, mixed-gender world. You are not allowed to feel violated.
You are abused, but you end up feeling less of a human for not
enjoying that abuse.

Breaking men from men

“In America….. strangely strict physical boundaries are necessary among men.”
– Mark Stevens
Herding into male groups is the basic drive of mammalian males
in the wild. Males spend their entire lives into the herds they join
where they form close bonds with other males.
In humans, the marriage institution has long ago de-
institutionalised such male groups. But the basic male instinct
to ‘herd’ together remains. Traditional societies gave a lot of social
space for men to live and bond with other men before marriage,
primarily because the societies were segregated on the basis of
gender. But the fast heterosexualisation is swallowing up these
spaces, driving men into a corner.
Boys need to grow up with other boys in male-only spaces to develop
their true masculinity. It helps them learn about being male and
experience the world as a male. It teaches them to relate and bond
with other boys. Male-only spaces give them freedom to be themselves.
Society may have artificially made women the source of men’s social
masculinity, but a man’s real masculinity and happiness comes from
bonding with other men. This is what makes a male a man.
If they lose this opportunity when they are young, they can
never make up for it in the future. A boy who does not get the
chance to grow up with other boys will grow up with
underdeveloped masculinity. Young men, like adolescent boys too,
need time to develop masculine bonds and revel in their

32 
masculinity. That is the best part of their life, which no one should
deny them. Youth is not the time to bind men in marriage, raising
of children, dating, and relationships with women.
Young men can play an important social role in helping adolescent
males develop their masculinity positively. For no one else has the
time, inclination or the capability to do that. Due to lack of
guidance, adolescents channel their masculine energies into negative
activities, which harm them as well as the society. In a research
conducted on male adolescent elephants, it was found that if an
older male elephant was not present to guide their masculine
energies, adolescent elephants became destructive.
Even when boys become older men and get married, they need
male-only spaces to rejuvenate their masculine energies. They need
this to rejoice in their masculinity and celebrate it, because that is
the essence of their happiness.
Modern societies take away this natural right of boys by forcing
them into mixed-gender spaces, right from childhood. While girls
still have some separate spaces for them, almost all boys spaces are
intruded by females, be it the school, the gym, the swimming
pool, the hostel or the army. Because of intense pressures of
‘heterosexuality’ in these spaces, boys lose the opportunity to learn
to relate and bond with other boys. While mixed gender spaces are
sensitive to the special needs of girls, including their need for privacy,
they are insensitive and uncaring about boys’ needs. The notion
about privacy for boys does not exist in such societies. The entire
focus is on moulding boys to fit into male-female bonds, by
forcefully exposing them more and more to females in their personal
space. Deep male bonds are actively discouraged.
When the traditional social masculinity roles of men are
combined with a mixed gender space — they become heterosexual
spaces which enhance the vulnerability of men thousand folds,
while taking away all routes of escape or respite. India is passing
through a phase, led by the media, in which vested interest groups
are forcefully changing the entire social structure into a mixed-
gender, heterosexual one.

33 
 Case study
The Sur Yamuna Ghat at Wazirabad in Delhi has separate sections
for men and women. During the last few years, a few women
have started entering the men’s area, where men roam about in
various stages of undress. The presence of women make men
very conscious about themselves and restrict their freedom.
Earlier, women would not have taken such liberties. Since men
are not supposed to have any privacy needs, the authorities too
don’t stop the women. However, there is still strict restriction on
men entering the women’s area.

Case study
Gyms used to be a man’s place where they built their bodies and
bonded with other men. In the past few years, many gyms in
Delhi have become mixed-gender gyms where men and women
work out together. The media promotes such places as ‘dating
joints’. While some men have moulded themselves to such a
setting, most men feel discomfort and restricted in the presence
of women. They don’t like the idea of the gym being a place for
romance.

In a heterosexual, mixed-gender society, any relationship that

men have with each other is superficial, limited to things like an
occasional game, or purely professional relations. This isolation of
men from other men and their total dependence on women is
making them socially weak and vulnerable to exploitation. Men
are losing their human rights as the society becomes increasingly
anti-man. Man has now lesser rights in marriage, over their children,
property and so on. Their privacy and modesty is invaded. They
are made more vulnerable to sexual exploitation. The irony is that
they are still made to believe that they are the powerful gender.
While women get together to fight for their rights, men are
unable to do so, because they are already broken from each other.
They don’t feel one with other men. They don’t know how to
come together. They see men only as competitors.

34 
 In this extremely hostile world, male-only spaces are like oases
for men. These are places of respite. In spite of negative elements
present in them, these have less harsher pressures of social
masculinity and are less hostile to their natural masculinity than
the mixed-gender spaces. Boys who have lived in male-only settings
instinctively sense their disempowerment in mixed-gender settings.
Men will continue to suffer unless they learn to deal with their
gender and sexual roles. For this they need to come together, which
is not possible in heterosexual societies. It is certainly possible to
achieve gender rights for women without forcefully mixing the
sexes and without taking away men’s freedom.

35 
 HOW ARE MALE GENDER AND SEXUAL
ROLES IMPOSED UPON MEN?
“(social) Gender is a regime that has been imposed upon all of us by cultures” –
LeeAnne Marie M.
Society creates an artificial atmosphere where males from an early
age start believing that the social roles of masculinity are natural.
So they use all their energy to try to fit into these social models.
During childhood, boys see how other men around them
behave. They absorb these primary lessons about social male roles
from observing their fathers, uncles, elder brothers and other male
family members. Both male and female family members convey to
them what they consider is appropriate male behaviour and what
is not. For example, mothers may ask their sons to keep out of the
kitchen because that is not an appropriate place for men to be in.
Boys are ridiculed when they cry, so they learn that men do not
cry — at least not in front of others.

Case study
When Suresh was in Class 10, he was scolded and humiliated by
his father in front of their relatives when his family was visiting
them. Suresh could not bear this insult. Inadvertently tears came
into his eyes while his aunt was consoling him. Upon this his
aunt exclaimed, “Don’t cry like a girl. You’re a man, learn to behave
like a man.”
This was the first time Suresh had heard such a statement. It
had a deep impact on him. From then on he became like steel.
As an adult, today he has difficulty crying in the presence of
another person even if he wants to. He has become guarded
about showing his emotions in front of others. Thus he leads a
very stressful life.

The media and peer pressure are two major instruments through
which artificial masculinity roles are imposed upon men. We will
talk about them in greater detail.

36 
The role of the media
“All media exist to invest our lives with artificial perceptions and arbitrary
values”
In today’s world the media plays a crucial role in imposing social
masculinity roles on men, especially in their youth. Before
globalisation, most of this came through Hindi films. Men in these
films were shown as indulging in violence, chasing girls and
smoking, which moulded the behaviour of men in those times
accordingly. However, these roles were milder compared to what is
being dished out by the media today. What is more disturbing is
that the media has the power to change the social masculinity
roles (as well other social values that can affect men’s lives
negatively), as per the whims and fancies of those who control it.
In the post-globalisation world, the media is overly eager to impose
alien culture and values upon India without taking the responsibility
of discussing them first or justifying them. This includes values and
roles of masculinity from heterosexual societies. The role of Hindi
movies has become less important, while that of TV has become
extremely decisive.
Today’s boys grow up watching programmes that show them
a completely different set of male behaviour from those that exist
around them — And this includes the indigenously made
programmes. Gradually, they start relating to the ‘unreal’ images.
This eventually results in a culture shift.
Cartoon films made outside India that Indian youth is growing
up on, show very young boys – as young as 9 or 10 – pursuing
girls, falling in love and dating.

Case study
A children’s serial shows a 9-year-old boy falling for a girl in his
class and following her around, at the same time competing with
his male friend over the girl.

37 
 TV channels influenced by globalisation encourage, rather force
young boys into behaviour that was previously unacceptable in
Indian society. Such behaviour at such an early age is also not in
keeping with boys’ nature.

When the media shows a strong macho figure indulging in a

particular act, young boys take it as real. They try their best to
make themselves conform to that media image to ‘prove’ their
masculinity. In a world racing for social manhood, where values
are changing fast, the boy who can do this first would secure his
position in the lead. The media can play a responsible role in
shaping men’s lives. But unfortunately it does not.
The media, while irresponsibly attempting to shift male
behaviour, is also simultaneously affecting female mores by glorifying
sexual aggression and indulgence of boys in girls.

Case study
In an advertisement, a pretty and attractive girl enters a setting
that looks like a bar or a party, wondering who could be her man
today. She uses a particular brand of hair conditioner, which gives
her confidence and makes every boy look at her.
An attempt is being made to make pre-marital dating an
acceptable practice for girls. This was something unacceptable a
few years ago.

Case study
A family comedy serial in Hindi shows an ordinary office girl telling
her boss casually that her ‘boyfriend’ has phoned her. The
impression is created that it is a ‘normal’ and acceptable practice
in India for unmarried girls to have boyfriends.

The media is also attempting to showcase men as ‘sex objects’

for women. While to be a sex object for women is being glorified as
being a ‘masculine’ thing.

38 
 Case study
A programme on a foreign owned Indian channel features half-
naked male models with a large female-only audience. The
audience is supposed to cheer and ogle at the bodies of the
hunks. But inspite of the exhortations of the presenter they sit
there uncomfortably, not looking like they are having a good time.
The models too are uncomfortable in front of the all-female
audience.
The men are made to say utterly degrading remarks about
men vis-à-vis women — that would surely be considered unmanly
in the good old days. Ironically the programme is titled “He-men”.
The male models are made to do ‘intimate’ dance items with
the scantily clad female presenter. Both the models and the
viewers feel uncomfortable. Finally the boys are made to stand in
a line in just their boxers, while the female presenter rubs her
hands on their hairy chests, pushing all but the ‘He-man’ into a
pond behind.
Interestingly, the programme includes a role-play where the
male presenter asks a model to put down an imaginary ‘gay on
the bus’ who is making advances (assumed to be ‘unwanted’).
More interestingly, the model doesn’t seem too eager to do this.
When forced, he does this as sensitively as he could.

This in short, is the forced heterosexualisation of the Indian

society by the media. It is an attempt to manipulate the social
masculinity pressures of the Indian male towards heterosexuality.
Constant display of young men and women being physically
close – men and women having sex, extremely suggestive poses,
poses that are ambiguously friendly – makes such proximity
acceptable and required amongst the youth — adding to their
pressures. This may also give rise to problems in society, which the
media does not seem to care about. It projects male-female sex as
‘casual’, and the reproduction or ‘marriage’ value of such
relationships takes a back seat. It promotes the false belief that all
‘normal’ boys and girls need to date each other as a natural way of
life. Virtually every programme shown on Indian TV today —

39 
including family serials and children’s programmes — promotes
heterosexual ethos and values.

Case study
The youth talent hunt programme on music, Indian idol (copied
from the US programme, American Idol), which featured amateur
youth artistes from small towns in India, asked its participants to
hold hands and hug each other irrespective of gender. The boys
and girls were uneasy doing this and it looked pretty artificial.

There is hardly a programme on TV where a normal young

man does not fall in love with a girl. All that young men seem to
do is to fall in love with girls and try to deal with relationship
issues, especially the heroes, the most prominent male figures whom
young men consider their ideals.
At the same time the media is enforcing a masculinity image
which breaks boys from other boys, takes away their capacity to
relate with other men, and forces them to relate with girls, rather
too early in their lives. Being too close with other boys or relating
with them is now considered unmanly behaviour.
In the US, the media has created such negative hype that even
two brothers would feel scared to hold each other’s hand in public
for fear of being labelled ‘homo’. In fact, in many parts of the
West, men are extremely cautious when in the company of other
males and keep a physical distance from each other. There is a clear
attempt to force such a mentality on Indians, where traditionally
social physical proximity between men is uninhibited.

Case study
The cartoon character Johnny bravo on Cartoon network is shown
enjoying female company and kissing young girls. But when asked
if he has ever kissed a guy, he makes a terrible face.

40 
 Case study
An oft-repeated advertisement for a serial on Cartoon network
shows a ‘macho’ cat character announcing proudly: “I treat women
softly, but am rude with the guys.”

It should be noted that traditional Indian values encourage men

to be polite even to their adversaries.

Case study
An advertisement shows a male-female couple sitting alone in
front of the TV. While the man wants to see a programme showing
girls, the girl would rather watch a bodybuilding show.
The man makes a bored face at the half-naked guys flexing
muscles, signifying that men are not supposed to enjoy such
things. This is the opposite of traditional Indian gender roles as
well as natural male tendencies.

Incidentally, the only males that the media does not show as
pursuing or chasing women are the feminine, limp-wristed fashion
designer, ‘gay’ types. Such subtle associations impact the minds of
the young strongly.
When the macho guy rides cars at breakneck speed, fights with
other men, treats other men with contempt, puts down ‘weaker’
males, has sex with girls, smokes marijuana, the youth gets swayed
by these images and tries to shape life on them. Sometimes, what
is propagated as masculine has nothing to do with masculinity. At
other times, these images are those of ‘negative’ masculinity, or
even of negative femininity.
The media fails to highlight the positive aspects of masculinity, like
character, courage, bravery, protecting the weak, social commitment,
living on principles, male bonding, honour and so on. As a result,
most macho guys today who would promptly join in beating up a
vulnerable person, would rather not save a weak person who is being
beaten up. They would safely consider it none of their business.

41 
 Case study
An advertisement on TV proudly teaches children: “Don’t be sidha-
sada!” (A sidha-sada person is one who is not sly, cunning and
manipulative. He lives a simple life based on principles and
especially keeps away from casual sex.)

It is an apt acknowledgement of change of values from the past,

when the sidha-sada man was glorified as the ideal man. Today, he
is made fun of and called a simpleton.

Peer pressure
“Masculinity….. is confirmed only by other men” –Camille Paglia
The most severe and decisive factor in imposing social masculinity
roles is peer pressure exerted by boys of one’s own age that one
wants to relate with. As boys grow up, during adolescence, they
learn masculinity roles while interacting with friends and peers: at
school, in the colonies they live in, in playgrounds, etc.
During adolescence, a boy wants his own place in the outside
world amongst boys his own age, his peers. Before this, his world
was limited to his parents and family. Now it is extremely crucial
for him to be accepted and respected by the boys he hangs around
with. His peers/friends are his first contact with the outside world.
The boy is trying to find his identity in the outside world, away
from the protective environment of his family. Unfortunately, the
world of male peers is not only competitive, but also cruel. There
is an intense race for social manhood amongst the peers, because
whoever is ahead in this race will lead the group, and everyone else
will look up to him. Those who get left behind in this race may
face a harsh life. They could be ridiculed, bullied, and no one
would want to be friends with them.
Peers who are ahead in the race for social manhood exert a lot of
pressure on other boys to fit into the social masculinity roles even
when the boys don’t want to. This pressure includes, amongst

42 
other things, smoking, drinking, eve-teasing, having sex with girls,
fighting and getting into street brawls, speed riding vehicles, and
a horde of other things that a boy may not want to do.
There is no escaping peer pressure. Non-compliance could mean
(a) he will be rejected by the peer group, (b) he will be ridiculed
by his peers, (c) he will be seen as a lower male, an image that will
be difficult to shake off. All this means that life will be tough for
the adolescent and he will miss out on several important things in
life. Naturally, no boy can afford to bear the consequences.
Boys who are left behind in this race often find it difficult to re-
establish themselves, and grow up with inferiority complex that
hinders their development in other areas of life unless they get
some help. Most boys learn to fit into the rat race, but become
steeled, insensitive, mean and selfish in the process. They have to
become all that in order to survive in the harsh world of men.
The reason why peer-pressure plays such an important role
in a boy’s life (while not in the case of girls), is the basic
biological ‘herding’ instinct that masculine gendered males have.
Boys need to be part of a male group. They instinctively tend
to follow ‘herd’ behaviour and attitudes. They will go to great
lengths to fit into such groups even if they have to fight their
own natural tendencies.
If a boy fails to be accepted into a boys’ group he will become
isolated. This means that he will be deprived of the chance to develop
his natural masculinity. He is then likely to grow up as a powerless,
vulnerable and genderless (meaning neither masculine nor feminine)
man. He may also become meek and a Mr. nice guy that everyone
tramples upon.
Another reason why peer-pressure plays such an important role
in a boy’s life is that adolescence is an age where boys are extremely
sensitive about how others perceive them. They tend to build their
own self-image on its basis. Even a careless insensitive remark can
break them. Adolsecents whose parents are ever-critical and who
keep telling their sons that they are good for nothing grow up to

43 
be less confident. Adolescents who grow up with positive comments
are more successful in life.
Therefore, boys learn to submit to social demands, even if that
makes them do things that go against their nature. This could
involve small pretensions to things that could turn their entire life
into a sham.

Case study
Ritesh is in Class 11. He has joined a new school a few days
ago. He is nervous and anxious to find a respectable place
amongst his new peers. He can sense the ‘race for social
manhood’ in the air.
The two bullies in his class show an interest in befriending him
and he does not want to offend them. They offer him a cigarette
during lunch. Ritesh is under extreme duress. He does not want
to smoke, but he is afraid to say no. The cigarette chokes him.
The two bullies make fun of him and he feels humiliated. He
spends the next five days smoking one cigarette after another in
private to get used to smoking.

Case study
Sanjay is in Class 10. He is average in sports, but likes to play
cricket, football, etc. However, Sanjay does not like watching
cricket or any other match on TV. He finds it boring to sit in front
of the TV and watch other people play. He would rather go out
and play himself. But everybody else seems to enjoy watching
sports and Sanjay feels left out. Whenever there is a match on,
practically every other boy is glued in front of his TV set and
Sanjay does not know what to do.
He is going somewhere with his friend Anand who is a few
years older, and Sanjay looks up to him as his ideal. Anand asks
him about the India-Pakistan match and Sanjay sheepishly tells
him that he does not watch cricket matches. Anand is a die-hard
cricket fan (although he watches more than he plays) and he is
extremely surprised. He looks at Sanjay as if he is weird. He tells

44 
 Sanjay almost in disgust that he cannot be a man if he does not
like watching cricket matches. He makes it sound as if it is a
disease not to have an interest in watching cricket. Anand thinks
it is his duty to pressurise Sanjay in this way to make him, what
in his eyes is being a real ‘man.’
Sanjay feels diffident about himself. He believes in everything
that Anand tells him. He develops an inferiority complex, believing
he must be lacking in masculinity for not wanting to watch cricket
matches. He forces himself to watch cricket for the next week.
He likes them it sometime, but afterwards gets bored. He is more
interested in watching the Discovery channel, or other informative
programmes. He then accepts his disinterest in watching cricket
matches as his weak point.

However, he feels different about it when he meets his highly

successful uncle who has a disdain for people who waste their time
watching cricket.

Case study
Anjan is in Class 11. He is friendly with two bullies in the class
and is proud of it. Together, they form a threesome everyone
else is afraid of. Their company makes Anjan feel powerful and
masculine.
As time passes, Anjan realises that there are several things
about these boys that he does not like. But he dares not say so,
for he feels his friends will drop him. He has been a hesitant
partner in everything that these boys do, whether it is smoking
cigarettes or eve-teasing. But the thing that worries him the most
is that these two boys sometimes get involved in violent fights
with outsiders. The last time it happened, they asked Anjan to
join them in the fight. Anjan was fearful. He was not prepared to
get into a violent fight that might involve weapons. That time
Anjan got away making some excuse.
But Anjan is afraid this will happen again and he cannot make
excuses each time. He is apprehensive that they will break up
their friendship with him if he says no. Not only that, they will

45 
 make fun of him, and this will make him a laughing stock in the
class. All this has made life stressful for Anjan and affects his
studies.

But the most severe pressure on boys is regarding ‘sex power’,

especially the need to exaggerate sexual attraction towards girls.
Peers demand ‘proof ’ of this desire by asking boys to indulge in
eve-teasing, chasing girls, and in some cases having sex with girls.
Most boys are not prepared for such activities and feel stressed.
They either comply hesitantly or resist this pressure, upon which
they are ridiculed and deflated. This pressure affects studies and
self-image.

Case study
Every day, while going back home from school, Ajay’s friends
tease the girls going to school on the way. Their comments on
the girls sometimes get rude and vulgar. Ajay does not like this.
However, he does not dare stop his friends. One day, his friends
confront him and ask him why he does not participate in teasing
the girls. Ajay does not know how to deal with the situation. “Don’t
girls interest you?” one boy asks derisively. Actually, at this
point in time, Ajay can very well do without girls, but he is ‘ashamed’
to admit the fact. “If you are a man you have got to enjoy these
things,” one of the boys says.
He hopes that his teasing will pass, but the boys again tease
him the next day. They use abusive words like namard and
chakka. Ajay feels insulted and is at a loss for words.
Things start becoming difficult for Ajay and he stops mixing
with this group. However, they keep teasing him in the class, and
other students soon join in. Now Ajay wishes he had just done
what the boys had asked him to do.

What we should realize is that it is the social masculinity and

its roles that are to be blamed and not the peers. Punishing the
bullies will not help, as long as they are empowered by artificial
social masculinity.

46 
 Case study
Nicky returns home from school on a DTC bus along with his
friends. His friends realise he is shy. Just to tease him, they
challenge him to sit next to a girl they see daily. But there are
other empty seats on the bus. Nicky refuses.
Now his friends start teasing him daily and call him chakka.
Nicky wants his friends to stop treating him like that, but he does
not know how to make them stop. He has a chance meeting with
a counsellor upon whose advice he firmly asks his friends to stop
mistreating him, otherwise he will have to break the friendship.
His friends surprisingly stop.

The moral of the above story is that peer pressure can be dealt with
if the boy has self-respect and confidence in his true masculinity. Most
boys give in to such pressures because the consequences otherwise are
too harsh. In addition, submitting to social roles even when they are
unfair entitles them to enormous social power, especially in the peer
group. It is not practical to expect these hardened boys with infinite
power to be sensitive to other people, or even to their own selves.
All the above situations are basically of a male-only setting. The
peer pressure in a mixed-gender ‘heterosexual’ setting is quite
different.

Peer pressure on boys in a mixed-gender setting

Traditional notions of ‘feminine’ change in a heterosexual society,
and things that were earlier taboo (e.g. cooking and cleaning,
midwifery, etc.) become available to boys. But many things earlier
considered masculine (e.g., hair-cutting, tailoring) are now
adjudged feminine and thus stigmatised for boys. Consequently,
mostly feminine males opt for these professions which are now
called hair-dressing and fashion designing.
Whereas many general social roles of men loosen up to help
boys become ‘equal’ to girls, the sexual pressures assume a never
before proportion. Now the peers of the boys include girls,

47 
girls who the boy is expected to sexually service in order to be
a man. Girls too are encouraged to see boys as sex objects.
Plus, their power to define who is a man is now directly and
openly practised. Girls are also often the most abusively active
in isolating masculine male-intimacy as ‘homosexual’, thus
intensifying the pressures.
Heterosexual environments are biased against boys making them
extremely vulnerable and conscious about themselves. Girls place
extreme demands on boys and reinvent the rules of masculinity to
suit their own interests.

How to tackle peer pressure

“Never forget that only dead fish swims with the stream”
– Malcolm Muggeridge
When boys exert peer pressure over other boys, they feel enormously
powerful. That is the most important reason boys like to do it.
Everyone chooses to pick on boys perceived to be lower than
themselves, in the race for social manhood.
Boys who exert peer pressure on others are those who have
accumulated enormous social power by achieving the key social
expectations (the sexual roles) regarding social masculinity. In order
to tackle peer-pressure it is important to remember that these social
expectations are so unreal that no man can achieve them completely,
and that boys only pretend and brag most of the time. This works
only because most other boys are so full of complexes, that they
believe whatever they are told.
The bullies are unable to deal with all that power that comes so
cheap. They then use it to deflate others, because this boosts their
ego, thereby increasing their self-worth and reassuring them of their
power. But this power is superficial and unreal. These boys are hollow
and vulnerable from inside. They cannot deal with real challenges.
Tackling peer pressure is not that difficult. But you need
confidence to tackle it. Confidence comes from being in touch

48 
with your natural masculinity, from knowing that the bullies are
hollow, and that social masculinity is not real.
What would help is if you have your own ‘herd’ of boys which
thinks like you and supports you against the bullies. This requires
you to have an ability to bond with boys.
If you have these, nobody can afford not to be friends with you.
They cannot ignore you or make fun of you, no matter what social
masculinity role you break. It may take some time, but people will
know your real worth. Boys who exert pressure are after all ignorant
themselves, and have no clue about what masculinity really is.
Remember: It is not cool to do what everybody else is doing.
What is really cool is to do what you think is the right thing to do,
even if everybody else does not think so.

Tackling peer-pressure in heterosexual settings

It is almost impossible to resist peer-pressure in a heterosexual
setting where your peers include girls. Because, men are even more
disempowered to discuss the issues of manhood with girls. There
is little that a boy can hit back an aggressive ‘exploitative’ girl with
when she questions his manhood, when sexual indulgence by girls
is not stigmatized anymore. He cannot explain or defend himself
because he can’t talk about his real issues. And he cannot hit the
girl or use abusive language — options that at least strong boys
have when dealing with other boys.
The male peers too — led by some boys who mould themselves
into the extreme heterosexual roles — thus assuming extreme social
power, increase the sexual pressures on each other to an extreme.
Thus in heterosexual settings boys really do not have a choice
but to submit to the demands of these exploitative roles — and
still put up a brave front. This requires them to even further blunt
their emotions, needs and natural traits, in order to steel themselves.
The only thing that can ultimately empower boys to deal with
peer pressure in a powerless situation such as this is to get in touch
with their natural masculinity.

49 
 MECHANISMS OF MEN’S OPPRESSION
“My theory is that men are no more liberated than women.”
– Indira Gandhi
To make men conform to their gender and sexual roles, the society
adopts a reward and punishment approach. Only, the rewards as
well as the punishments are in the extreme.
When men give in to these roles, especially the basic roles
regarding ‘sex’, they get rewarded. They will put you on a high
pedestal, give you extreme social power and status on a platter, all
very mind-boggling.
But if you resist these roles, especially if you choose to break the
basic rules about ‘sex’, the society will punish you to the extreme.
They will disempower you, humiliate you, and take away your
dignity. You will not be able to call yourself a ‘man’.
To understand the severity of the punishments, you just have to
look at what our society has done to the hijras, or how the western
society treats transgendered males. Both have broken the basic
male roles set by the society and both have been condemned to
live a life worse than animals. No wonder men are scared and do
not resist their roles.

The rewards offered by society

“The great passion in a man’s life may not be for women or men or wealth or toys
or fame, or even for his children, but for his masculinity” – Frank Pitman
Society rewards men who conform to the roles set by it, especially
the sexual roles, by giving them enormous social power, status and
respect in the society and by acknowledging their manhood. They
will put you on a pedestal. The sense of power that is endowed is
intoxicating, something that men get addicted to. When you feel
extremely powerful and masculine while you date girls, it is this
hidden reward doing its work, not nature.

50 
 When some boys act superior than others because they feel
enormous power by doing things expected of social masculinity
roles and they put down others, they are exhibiting this power
that they have received as reward for furthering the cause of these
roles.

Case study
Amit and Lalit, both Class 11 students in an all-boys school, are
travelling in a bus. Amit is stronger and more masculine than
Lalit. But Lalit seems to overshadow Amit by incessantly talking
about girls. They pass a co-ed school on the way and Lalit
exclaims, “Hey, how about switching our school to this one after
the 11th? It’s cool, we will have all those girls around!”
Amit does not like the idea at all. But he cannot say so. He
does not want to give Lalit another opportunity to act superior to
him. So he keeps quiet, keeping his opinion to himself. He feels
disempowered as a result – feeling ashamed for not agreeing
with Lalit. Lalit can subconsciously sense this, which further
enhances his confidence and sense of ‘power’.

Thus it is clear that even a naturally masculine man can be

made to feel less masculine and vulnerable if he lacks social
masculinity, while a male naturally deficient in natural masculinity
can become powerful and exploitative if he fulfills the sexual roles
of men.
Man has been given a lot of outer social power over women, if
he follows the critical social masculinity rules. It is a patriarchal
society that we live in. A man heads the family. He ‘owns’ his wife
and children. The children are known by his name, not their
mother’s. They are considered his achievement, his property. They
increase his honour tremendously and are the final proof of his
manhood as needed by society.
Yet he has done practically nothing to produce the baby, apart
from giving his sperm inadvertently. The baby is a woman’s feat.
She keeps it in her womb for nine months, feeds it with her blood

51 
and goes through excruciating pain to give birth. And the man
takes the credit for it (especially if it is a boy!), without even lifting
a finger.
Enormous social power makes a man feel important and powerful.
It increases his ego several fold. Have you ever noticed how proud
and important a man feels when he marries? He feels especially
superior to those men who are bachelors. And why not? He is
going to receive the most important benefits/powers reserved for
men who fulfil social masculinity roles.
Notice how big a celebration he is accorded. Marriages are the
biggest social celebrations organised by families in our society. The
bridegroom is literally made to feel like a king, complete with a
horse, crown and sword. As if he is a great warrior, on his way to
conquer his most powerful enemy. Indeed, he feels important, for
society makes him believe that getting married is a big feat.
Families spend a fortune on weddings. The importance given
by society to the institution of marriage can be gauged by the fact
that this is the only occasion where almost all the family members,
friends and relatives assemble to celebrate.
The life of a man changes tremendously after marriage. He is
now treated like an adult and taken seriously, whereas earlier he
was a nobody. Now he has a standing in society. He gets invited to
important social occasions with ‘due’ honour as a distinct member
of the family/society. His opinion is taken in all important family
matters, including those of the extended family.
And yet things were not always like that. Thousands of years
ago, societies started to grant these privileges to men when they
decided that man and woman will enter into a socially bound
‘contract’ called marriage to produce and raise children. The idea
was to compensate man for giving up his freedom, his natural
drive to bond with men and his natural masculinity, in order to
bind him into the lifelong responsibility of supporting a family.
However, the man pays a heavy price for all this outer power.
Whereas the power granted to him, though often superficial, is

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‘outer’ and obvious, the price extracted from him is not always
obvious or visible. It remains hidden from the man himself. Society
has taken measures to ensure that the cost remains hidden, and
the man can only see the benefits.
In most traditional societies ‘marriage’ is an important social
role expected of a man to qualify for social manhood. When society
imparts men such enormous power, in the process it secures some
benefits (perceived to be so) for itself. The benefits are: (a) the
man’s participation in the reproduction process is ensured – there
is continued supply of children to continue the society, and (b)
the man commits himself to bringing up those children, because
he owns them.
In modern heterosexual societies, we can see a disconcerting
trend. These societies have further intensified the mechanism of
reward and punishment and men are granted huge powers when
they have relationships with women. However, there is no
commitment required to produce or raise children or to get married.
Sex (and surprisingly) relationships with women has surprisingly
become an end in itself: the ‘supreme end’. Procreation is no longer
the main goal. It rather becomes an impediment to form carefree
male-female bonds. In spite of the hullaballoo about power, men
become second class citizens. Men are not given outer power over
women, but they are given huge exploitative powers over other
men, who are then condemned to be lesser men. The new focus of
social masculinity is not on producing children or on marriage,
but on forming romantic bonds with women. The ‘new’ lesser
men are those that fail to (or do not want to succumb to the pressure
to) have romantic relationships with women. This new social
masculinity is called “heterosexuality” — a new concept originated
in the west.
As the marriage institution weakens, and families become nuclear
families – both a result of heterosexualisation, more and more
women end up raising their children alone as single mothers while
managing a career at the same time. To nurture and raise children,
women neither have the support of other women that she had

53 
under natural conditions, nor the support of another man which
she had in traditional societies. She, like the man, is also isolated.
This entire social mechanism no longer benefits society, but
gives extraordinary and unjust social powers and advantages to a
specific group of men and women – (which, inspite of what it
seems, is actually a minority) – over others. Natural masculinity
thus becomes totally detached from social manhood.
The rewards granted by society may sound superficial and
dispensable, but in reality they are essential for men not only for a
better social life including access to better resources, but also for
their very survival in the man’s world. Without this they will be
held in contempt, lose all respect and live on the fringes as
disempowered lesser men. Such a social environment has been
created by society as part of its mechanism to control men’s lives.
The manhood granted by society is artificial. It seeks to indulge
only the exaggerated ego of men. The status and respect that follows
is unearned and undeserved. You do not need to have any natural
masculinity to get the social manhood status and all the power
that comes with it.
Society first builds up false ego in men to extreme levels. Then
it makes men dependant on these ‘rewards’ to fulfil their enhanced
ego. Men are extremely scared to get their ego hurt and this makes
them vulnerable. So they bluff a lot and act stiff.
Men get carried away by the dizzying power that comes from
submitting to the key gender and sexual codes. But this superficial
power granted by society does not empower them to deal with the
real life situations that they have to face. Men who get addicted to
this power fail to develop inner strength, real masculinity and
character, and remain hollow and weak from inside.
However, it is not really the greed for rewards offered by society
that really forces most men to fit into the social masculinity roles.
Rather, it is the punishments for disobeying these roles that leave
men with no choice.

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The punishments given by society
“very early on boys begin to get the message that there are severe consequences for
breaking the code of conduct” – Steve Brown
When you do not fulfill a required male role, you are held in
contempt. People will see you as ‘lacking’ and pressurise you to
conform. You may also be ridiculed.
But when you do something which is ‘banned’ for men,
especially in the sexual field, the punishments really get extreme.
You may be considered ‘abnormal’ and made an outcaste.
Indeed, hijras are living for centuries the worst possible
punishment. Their crime is that they have chosen to live like females
when society expects them to be men, and have refused to participate
in the reproduction process by getting castrated.

Case study
When a hijra dies, following a grotesque custom in their community,
other hijras beat up the corpse with chappals and abuse her.
This is done to rid her of her curse so that she is never born a
hijra again. This shows the extent to which hijras are persecuted
by society for breaking the male gender and sexual roles.

For so-called ‘normal’ (masculine gendered) males, the

punishment for doing the ‘forbidden’ would still be enormous,
even if not similar to the hijras. They would be given the ‘lesser’
male status, that of the namard. For example, any male who refuses
to partake in the reproduction process will be looked upon as a
namard, unless he has a valid excuse. Punishments vary with the
kind of social roles broken. It can include from social ridicule to
isolation to outcasting to physical and mental violence.
For someone who breaks one of the important sexual roles, the
punishment can be socially extreme. He may be thrown into the
extreme depths of disgrace from the high pedestal that the society
puts men on. He can lose all respect, dignity and status. He may

55 
lose his honour, which is extremely important for a man. He may
be ridiculed and disgraced as a namard or worse, as homosexual.
The society may not acknowledge his manhood, and this could
really break a man.
It is typical that in the modern heterosexual world, while the woman
is rewarded for breaking her gender/ sexual roles, the punishment of
men for breaking theirs is increased several folds.
The only possible way to defeat this reward and punishment
mechanism for men is to fight it unitedly and change the society
and its anti-male roles.

Shaming men: a major instrument of enforcing

masculinity roles
“No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
Social ridicule is often used against men, and it is often enough to
make men comply. Such ridicule could become extreme and affect
the person seriously. Ridicule is also a major tool involved in peer
pressure. The most prominent words used to ridicule men are:
aurat, girl, ladki, woman, wimp, fag, pansy, chakka, homo, hijra,
gaandu, halwa, namard, etc.
These words hurt men the most. Especially a boy who has not
yet seen the world, can be broken by such abuses. If we want to
empower boys to deal with ridicule, the first step is to make
them understand that these words are hollow. They have
significance only as long as we fear them. There is no need to fear
them, because their base is social, not natural.
Let us find out what it is about these words that are so offensive
to men. These words belittle men by challenging their masculinity
and hurting their socially enhanced ego. Worst of all, they attempt
to take away a man’s honour by challenging his ‘sex power’, which
is the key to his social manhood. They either compare men to
women, or to extremely feminine males who are believed to seek
receptive anal sex from men as an assertion of their femaleness.

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 Let us examine these words one by one and see what they mean
and how they hurt:

1. Girl
Words such as girl, aurat, ladki, etc. are sometimes used for feminine
boys. Femininity in men is considered extremely unbecoming by
society. Feminine boys have to live with their femininity as if it
were a handicap. Feminine boys can make up for this handicap by
fitting into the more important ‘sexual’ roles, but their effeminate
behaviour will always leave them open to ridicule.
These words, however, are used more commonly on non-
feminine/masculine boys when they break social masculinity roles –
even minor ones – by socially stronger boys. These words hurt a
boy by making him feel that he is lacking in ‘maleness’, or by
making it clear that he is weaker than the abuser. Unless he wins
back his lost position with wit, confidence or a fight. These words
are also used to challenge or instigate a boy into doing something
he does not otherwise want to do.

Case study
Some boys from another class make a ‘suggestive’ remark about
Sushil’s sister. Sushil is upset but is outnumbered. In any case he
does not want to get involved in fisticuffs because he is not
physically strong enough. Therefore, he walks back to his class.
Others come to know of this and condemn Sushil by calling him a
ladki for not hitting the boy who has made the remark.
To save his honour, now Sushil is forced to act. He goes and
challenges the boy who made the remark. The boy’s friends join
him too and together they thrash Sushil and he has to be rescued
by others.

Considering that Sushil is not physically strong, a better approach

would have been to approach a teacher or an elder and make a
complaint. But peer pressure forces Sushil to get involved in a
fight he cannot win.

57 
 The word ladki can also be used by family members and others to
teach male gender roles to a boy. A lesson taught this way is not likely
to be forgotten by the boy, as he will always remember the insult.
Just by someone calling a boy a ladki, a boy does not become a
girl. Just like a girl cannot become a boy. Sex is biological. So is
gender. A masculine boy cannot become feminine, nor can a
feminine boy become masculine, just by someone’s degrading or
derisive remark.

2. Namard
“Impotence cuts to the core of men’s self-esteem in our society,” –- Ivker
The word namard is far more abusive and downgrading for a man
than the words ladki or girl. Namard is used when the boy/man is
seen to be unable to conform to the more important sexual roles of
masculinity.
The word namard is used for a person who is supposed to be
physically unable to have sex or to satisfy one’s sexual partner. If he
cannot ‘satisfy’ a woman, it is believed that he has a physical ‘sexual’
deficiency. It is commonly used for the following real or imagined
conditions:
i. Small size of penis
ii. Erectile dysfunction
iii. Premature ejaculation
iv. Infertility
i. Small size of penis: It is believed that the size of the penis needs
to be big in order to satisfy a female. This is a myth, as the vaginal
passage of a woman is only 2 to 3 inches long. Beyond that, the
woman cannot feel a man’s penis. At the same time, too big a penis
can make sex painful for the woman.
Ironically, many feminine gendered males including several non-
castrated hijras have big penises. And several macho men have small
penises. Penis size thus cannot be a measure of one’s masculinity.
Thus a small penis cannot make a person a namard.

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ii. Erectile dysfunction: If a man has a problem getting an erection
or if the erection is not hard enough or not for long enough, the
person is said to be impotent or namard. However, most cases of
erectile dysfunction happen because of psychological reasons and
not because of a physical or anatomical deficiency. In fact, most
men have phases in life when they experience problems getting a
‘proper’ erection. This usually happens when the person is stressed
or too busy or suffering from health problems.
The basic requirement for getting an erection is that the man
should be interested in sex at that particular time and with that
particular partner. If a man has to have sex with a woman he does
not find sexually attractive, he will find it hard to get an erection.
It does not mean that he has a deficiency or he is a namard. The
man may easily get an erection with another woman or man that
he does find sexually attractive. Similarly, a man may not find
women partners attractive, but may get perfect erections with a
male partner whom he likes. None of the above conditions point
to a physical or anatomical deficiency.
iii. Premature ejaculation: There is a prevalent myth that it is
important for a man to withhold his ejaculation for as long as
possible in order to satisfy a woman, and that a man who is unable
to do this is a namard. However, nature has not made men and
women to reach orgasm at the same time. Man is designed to
reach climax sooner. Moreover, ejaculation timing has a lot to do
with a person’s psychology. Therefore, premature ejaculation is
not a valid ground for calling a man namard.
Most men, especially in their younger years, go through
premature ejaculation because of psycho-social reasons.
iv. Infertility: If a couple cannot conceive children, it is believed
that the man is impotent. However, in almost all such cases, there
is no problem at all with the man achieving or maintaining an
erection. Conception, in any case does not need ‘perfect’ sex or
even a good erection. Even if a few drops of semen enter the vagina,
even without penetration, conception can occur.

59 
 Infertility has several other reasons, which can be both in men
as well as women. The man’s sperms may be deficient. But it
certainly does not mean that he cannot have sex or enjoy sex or
that he has a sexual problem. Therefore, he cannot be called a
namard. After all, we don’t call a woman who doesn’t conceive a
na-aurat (a non-woman).

3. Hijra or Chakka
Hijras are a community of hermaphrodites, transsexual,
transgendered and intersexed males in India. They live, dress and
conduct themselves as women. They do not consider themselves as
men, neither does the society. Many of them get castrated and
become eunuchs because it makes them symbolically closer to
women. Hijras are known as the third sex – meaning they are
neither men nor women.
Hijras are a secretive community, which live on the fringes of
society. Therefore, a number of myths are prevalent about this
community. Not all transgendered and hermaphrodite males join
the hijra community. Many of them live in the mainstream. But
they hide their sex identity from the rest of the world.
Hijras did not always live on the fringes. Before the Britishers
came to India, Hijras were openly accepted as respectable citizens
in the mainstream. But Britishers, due to their Christian
background, made ‘transvestism’ illegal and punishable. Slowly
they were marginalized from the society, and today they beg and
prostitute to make a living. However, a lot of respect for Hijras
survived till a decade ago, but heterosexualisation of the society
has made the society extremely hostile to Hijras.

Case study
A prominent veteran folk singer from Allahabad who died some
years ago was a respected citizen who lived in the mainstream
and was an important figure at most family functions including
births and marriages, where he would overlook several activities

60 
 including food preparation. He was a Hijra and the youngsters
called him Ganna Nana (grandfather) with respect. He never made
vulgar gestures, nor begged nor indulged in prostitution like Hijras
do today.

Unfortunately, the independent India still follows the laws laid

down by the British, which do not give a legal validity to Hijras.
According to Indian law a Hijra is seen as a man.

Case study
When filling forms they have only two options: male and female.
There is no legal validity for a member of the third-sex.

Case study
A Hijra who contested a legislative seat reserved for women and
won, was adjudged a male by the court, and disqualified.

Since they are non-existent as far as the law is concerned, our

society does not have any social spaces for them. So, e.g. there are
male toilets and female toilets, but no such facilities for Hijras.
Just like the mainstream male community has pressures to have
sex with women and sexual desire for women is considered an
essential male quality, in the hijra culture – which is an extension
of the mainstream culture – there is a pressure to have receptive
anal sex with men as a social symbol of their femininity. As a result,
mostly transgendered males who are interested in men join the
hijra clan. Most of the rest of the transgendered population live
secretly in the mainstream. But in spite of this pressure, many
hijras openly or secretly have sexual relationships with women.
Indeed in the west most transgendered and transsexual males
identify themselves as ‘heterosexual’.

61 
 Case Study
A transsexual male in the U.S. who had a girlfriend decided to
have a sex change operation and become a woman at the age of
24. His girlfriend left him after he became a woman. S(he) still
seeks sexual relationships only with women.
Since the west does not acknowledge a separate sex identity
for transsexual males and insists on calling them men, and since
it is extremely oppressive of such people, this individual decided
to come to India and learn about the Hijra identity. She was
overwhelmed by discovering a traditional social identity for
transgendered men and today she proudly calls herself a Hijra.

Even though hijras are only partly males, it is not proper to call
them namards or ‘non-men’! A person should be known for what
he or she is, not what he or she is not. Hijras prefer to be referred
to as the feminine gender, because they feel they are actually females
caught in male bodies.

4. Who are ‘homos’?

Although words like gaandu and sometimes ‘homo’ are used jokingly
amongst friends, these words can be very hurtful when used in an
abusive or humiliating sense.
Gaandu: The word gaandu is quite different from the word
‘homo’. It originally refers to a (usually masculine gendered) man
who likes to have anal sex with another man or a woman, though
its most common usage is to refer to a liking for receptive anal
intercourse. The word Gaandu is not a sexual or gender identity,
but only denotes a liking or addiction to a particular sexual activity.
The word ‘homo’ however is a gender identity.
Homo: The Indian version of the term ‘homo’ is quite different
from its original usage in the west. In India it refers to transgendered
males who have sex with men.
The term ‘homosexual’ is used for a feminine male who is
stereotyped as being desirous of having receptive anal sex with

62 
men as an assertion of his feminine gender. (S)he is often believed
to be promiscuous.
Although both ‘homos’ and ‘hijras’ are feminine gendered, there
are several key differences between them. For instance a hijra is
castrated, while a homosexual is not. A homosexual is usually
content with his male body in spite of his femininity. A hijra wants
freedom from the male body, hence the castration. A hijra lives
outside the mainstream society. A ‘homo’ lives within the society
and may get married and raise a family like other men. While a
hijra dresses and behaves like women, a ‘homo’ only behaves like
women, and usually does not dress openly like women (though he
may use make-up and jewellery, etc.) probably because he lives
under the pressure of the mainstream society.
With the increasing heterosexualisation/globalisation of the
society and rising hostility against male-male bonds, the words
‘gaandu’ and ‘homo’ are now often used interchangeably to refer
to a liking for receptive anal sex.
It is interesting that although in the West ‘homo’ refers to sex
between any two males in our traditional society, masculine or so-
called ‘normal’ men who have sex with other men are not considered
homosexuals. On the other hand, a feminine male who may have
sex only with women would be described as a ‘homo’. So ‘homo’
in India is basically a feminine gender/ third sex identity rather
than referring to a sexual preference.

Case study
In a series of workshops on masculinity conducted by an NGO
with men of all ages in several cities of north India, the men
described a famous TV character Dilruba as a ‘homo’. Dilruba is
a limp-wristed, extremely feminine person, but his sexual interest
is only in women.
On the other hand, two masculine men who have sex
exclusively with each other (and not with women) were not
identified as ‘homo’.

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 The word namard is a false scare
The word namard (and all such put downs) is basically a
scare meant to control male sexual behaviour according to
the demands of the society. There are a few questions that all
men should ask:
- If nature has made us men, how can society impose its
own requirements on us before letting us be men?
- Isn’t it true that society makes men subservient to women
by demanding that men satisfy women in order to qualify for
manhood? After all, no one asks men if they are satisfied or
not. The woman does not become a na-aurat if she does not
satisfy men.
- Is having sex with women really a hallmark of manhood?
Is that a requisite biological function of a male? (we shall
examine this issue in the next chapter).
Contrary to propaganda, a real man is not someone who
bends over backwards to ‘satisfy or serve women’s passions’ or
in other ways inconveniences himself to fit into social
masculinity roles. A real man is someone who has the courage
to challenge the social masculinity roles on the strength of
his natural masculinity.

Proving one’s masculinity

“Masculinity must be proved, and no sooner is it proved that it is again questioned
and must be proved again – constant, relentless, unachievable, and ultimately the
quest for proof becomes so meaningless that it takes on the characteristics…of a
sport.” – Michael Kimmel Ph.D, Sociologist
An important social pressure statement used by boys to make
each other fall in line is, “prove your masculinity”. By this they
mean that one should do things listed in the chapter “Male gender
and sexual roles”. And the most important proof is having sex with
a woman. This statement is mostly used in this context only.

64 
 Women too use the statement, often to force men to do things
they are not prepared to do. It is a perfect way to fool men. Indeed
men are fools to allow society to manipulate them. Surprisingly,
this statement works. Men will do anything to prove their
masculinity. They would even get themselves humiliated in public.
Some examples are:
- Men easily get into fistfights when their masculinity is
challenged.
- Men will have sex with any woman even if they don’t like
her, if their masculinity is challenged.
- In a case study given earlier, boys in an army medical test
were initially hesitant to strip in front of a female officer,
who called on their masculinity to make them oblige.
The above examples show how severe the pressure on boys is to
prove their masculinity.
The root of this whole ‘proof ’ element goes back to the early
tribal societies where men and women lived in separate groups,
and men would hunt and fight enemies, while women raised
children collectively. The male children would live with the female
group till they reached adolescence. On reaching adolescence, a
boy had to undergo a ritualistic test before he could join the male
group, where he had to earn his ‘manhood’. The ritual would
consist of testing the boy’s masculine strength needed to hunt,
fight or do other important functions of men. For example, the
boy would be required to jump from a high platform or climb
trees to gather honey or jump over dozens of cattle, and other
kinds of tests, which varied with culture.
Only after proving his masculinity was the boy admitted into
the male group. He could now join them in the hunting or fighting
expeditions. Man is naturally inclined to live and bond with other
men. To him, being admitted in the ‘male’ group is an extremely
important instinct, even when he does not live in exclusively male
groups. Today, society has manipulated this test to force men do
things that has nothing to with masculinity. Today’s tests do not

65 
judge a man’s masculinity but thrust him towards forced femininity
or harmful masculinity, which are at the root of his oppression. In
today’s world, proving one’s masculinity is equivalent to proving
one’s enslavement, and thus proving one’s foolishness.

The concept of honour

“He has honor if he holds himself to an ideal of conduct though it is inconvenient,
unprofitable, or dangerous to do so.”– Walter Lippmann
An important masculine quality of the human male is ‘honour’,
which also has its basis in the male instinct to live with and bond
with other men. It is also related to proving one’s masculinity.
In the early tribal societies, when a boy failed in masculinity
tests, he had to live the life of a lesser male who was ridiculed and
mistreated. He had very few rights and little access to community
resources. No man would want to bond with him, and no female
would want to bear his children.
Those who cleared the test and proved their natural masculinity
still had to protect their honour, losing which they would lose
respectability in the male group. Honour included fulfilling
community obligations, being faithful to one’s male companion,
integrity, etc. Protecting one’s honour usually required fighting
one’s enemy. It was possible to bring back lost honour by doing
things like bringing back the head of an enemy.
These men were especially sought after as lovers by other men,
could mate with the best females, and had better access to community
resources. Having sex with women was however not considered a
particularly masculine quality, and many men, including highly
honoured men, did not mate with women or produce children.
Later societies manipulated both these concepts of proving one’s
masculinity and that of honour to force men into an emerging
institution: marriage. The pressures have intensified through the
ages. Even though the rules of masculinity and the values of honour
have changed, men still care a lot about honour. But now the

66 
control of the society is no longer in their hands. They have no
control over what is considered masculine or un-masculine. So
their honour has become an important tool to oppress them. They
are forced to do specific things or abstain from doing others, and
honour would be denied if they resisted.

Enforcing silence on male issues

“The cruelest lies are often told in silence” — Robert Louis Stevenson
In the old times, as part of proving their manhood men were
expected to bear excruciating pain without showing a sign. Later
societies used that pressure-to-be-silent to ensure that men also
bear their oppression silently. Only, now the pain is not physical
but mental/ emotional (and thus invisible). And the manhood
that comes is a deception.
This is the reason that in spite of the intensity and extent of
male oppression going on for some thousand years, the most
powerful human gender – man — has not understood their
oppression or taken any organised steps to resist it. It will not take
much for them to fight for and take back their rights the day they
realise their oppression and its mechanisms.
Any discussion of masculinity issues is severely stigmatised. A
complete silence is enforced on the issues men face in their struggle
to achieve social manhood. Talking about them is believed to show
men as weak and vulnerable. It is believed to ‘expose’ that they
have problems fitting into the gender/sexual roles. Men are naturally
supposed to have the qualities required by social masculinity.
Therefore, men don’t like to discuss their inner conflicts. If they
encounter hardships, they learn to deal with them on their own.
On the outside, they pretend as if achieving their socio-sexual roles
is the most natural thing for them. The more quietly a person
endures the resulting mental, emotional and physical pain, the
more man he is considered. Thus men appear calm, in-control and
powerful from the outside — even though they burn within.

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 Men wear innumerable masks to hide their wounds. When men
look at each other, they only see each other’s masks, which they
take for real. This increases their isolation, since each man secretly
sees himself as ‘different’ and ‘lacking’ and the other as ‘perfect’.
Men fail to relate with each other’s pain and struggle, when every
one of them is undergoing the same. Men end up suffering in
silence and isolation, devoid of the comfort that they share the
same pain. This also means that they cannot unite to fight their
oppression.
Men are voiceless in everything that should really matter. Their
real issues never come out in the open. Neither does their pain or
struggle. For the outside world, they remain the powerful and
oppressive gender which does not have problems. They don’t need
any rights or outside help. They seem to be doing perfectly well.
The modern heterosexual society propagates these masks of men
as their real self and denies that there is any other reality than
what appears – without anyone daring to challenge that view. This
fake ‘openness’ of the modern world is thus even more oppressive
for men.
There can be no escape for men, no freedom and no real
masculinity unless they learn to break their silence. That is the only
way they can relate with each other’s pain and find strength. Then
only will they understand the social mechanisms of oppression in its
entirety and can unite to dismantle it. This book is an effort to break
the silence and bring out the hidden struggles of men.

Self-control
“In the West, the knight always wins a maiden. In China (i.e. east), men
who distanced themselves from romance and sex with women are praised for their
self-control. If I were more skeptical, I’d be shocked that such a differing
world could exist.” – Jeffery Mingo
Moderate self-control is an important characteristic of positive
masculinity. It ensures that masculinity does not become negative

68 
and aggressive by channelising it in the proper direction. Its purpose
is also to bring moderation in the indulgence of one’s natural needs
and desires. But the purpose of self-control has never been to
suppress these needs altogether.
All ancient masculine societies and traditions stressed on self-
control as a masculine quality. Masculine men still pride themselves
on their self-control/restraint. However, modern societies have
exploited this aspect to control men’s lives by requiring them to
exercise extreme self-control in order to qualify for social manhood.
The purpose of imposing this extreme self-control is to kill their
natural needs and urges, which are an integral part of his natural
masculinity. Thus the more severely men control their instincts,
the more social masculinity and power they assume.
The original masculine virtue of self-control has been converted
into a negative feminine vice of suffering in silence. It is another
important factor that has prevented men from retaliating, in spite
of suffering for centuries. Thus the social masculinity brand of
self-control harms men and their natural masculinity.

Heterosexualisation of society
“What is natural does not need to be enforced through social pressures and
mechanisms” — taken from an internet discussion
Heterosexualisation is a modern anti-male process which seeks to
consolidate – for the benefit of a few – the powers granted to male-
female marriage by traditional societies by
a) altering the concept of marriage and diverting its focus
from producing and raising children to facilitating male-
female romance.
b) changing the basic set-up of the society – including its
customs, spaces and values – to facilitate male-female casual
relationships/sex and breaking them free from the burden
of procreation/ marriage.

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 c) totally wiping out other forms of human sexual bonds from
the mainstream and throwing them on the fringes.
The seeds of heterosexualisation of the Indian society were
sown with the advent of the British in India. It gained momentum
when independent India chose to follow the Western pattern of
social development. With the entry of foreign media into India
in the past few years, heterosexualisation is being enforced with
full force. Heterosexualisation of society includes the following
changes:
1. Society is forcibly converted into mixed-gender: This conversion
is carried out in the name of bringing ‘equality’ between the sexes.
- All male-only spaces are heterosexualised: They are changed into
mixed-gender spaces with heterosexual values. Women-only spaces
are mostly protected from this process.
- Social customs and values are heterosexualised: As part of the
heterosexualisation of Indian society, ‘dating’ between unmarried
boys and girls is being enforced, especially by the media. Leading
newspapers routinely carry dating/relationship advice, even for
schoolgoing children. An environment is being created where it
becomes acceptable for middle class parents to allow their children
to date. Dating includes casual sex. Boys and girls in middle
class urban societies today are under increasing pressure – both
explicit and implicit – to date. The message is – if you don’t
date, you are outdated. Dating is replacing the earlier power
sources for boys. The day is not far when boys who don’t date
will be disempowered and vulnerable.
Several modern urban spaces including shopping and
recreational places often allow only male-female couples – this
includes even schoolgoing children. Worse, they bar single men
from entering or hanging around in the premises.

Case study
A shopping mall in East Delhi, has posted a notice in its lounge
saying: “Only couples and families allowed.” Consequently, in

70 
 the malls frequented by family and children, young unmarried
couples, encouraged by the authorities can be openly seen in
compromising positions.

Only a few years ago, it was unacceptable for a man and a woman,
even if married, to show sexual affection in public. It is not
unreasonable for a society which gives exclusive and extraordinary
benefits/power to male-female couples through marriage, to impose
regulations so as to maintain social order. This is also necessary to
keep that power in check so that it does not become all-powerful
and exploitative. Today, empowered by heterosexualisation, male-
female couples are seen hugging and kissing in public parks,
unmindful of how it affects others. It is not uncommon to see
young unmarried boys and girls roaming hand-in-hand in streets
and colonies in metropolitan India. Such public display of male-
female sexual affection is a blatant demonstration of aggressive,
unreasonable power. It increases the social masculinity pressures
on men tremendously. The effect of this on children is a major
reason for concern.

Case study
A few years ago, after a rape incident in the Buddha Jayanti
Park, the police barred single men from entering the park. The
move was initiated because the media vehemently supported the
couples who use the park for sexual activities. The move would
have been unthinkable a year ago. In fact, there was a public
outcry against couples misusing public parks for dating/ sexual
activities.

In many westernised upper middle class Indian spaces, men

and women have started to kiss each other as a form of social
greeting, while men greet each other with a cold handshake, as an
imitation of western customs. This practice is being popularised
by the media.

71 
 Case study
The Indian Filmfare awards lately have adopted the practice of
men kissing women on stage, unmindful of how unacceptable it
is in Indian society. It is interesting how the men are all covered
while the women sport skimpy dresses.

Traditionally the Indian art and culture forms including theatre

and dance are either male-only or female-only. This is especially the
case with Indian popular dances, including Bhangra. In Indian
parties, it would be unacceptable for a boy and a girl to dance together.
At the same time, there is nothing unusual about two boys or two
girls dancing together even if it is ball dance. This custom is also
under attack. In today’s discotheques, girls and boys drink and dance
together. And while it is no big deal for two girls to dance together,
it is increasingly becoming unusual for two boys to do so.

Case study
In a dance choreography organised at the Kamani auditorium in
New Delhi for children, a male-female duo staged a dance with
highly sexual moves, although the dance form and the dress
were typically Indian. The original dance form comprised of two
men and although very physical was not sexual in nature.

Sex education in India has also become a tool to further the

heterosexualisation process. For instance, many trainers force boys
and girls to sit together for ‘sex’ education to clear their inhibitions
and social barriers.

Case study
An internationally funded NGO working on gender issues organised
a meeting for its large staff which mostly comprised local boys
and girls. They belonged to a traditional town where unrelated
men and women did not mix socially. At the meeting, the boys
sat together with the other boys, while the girls sat next to each
other. The NGO forced the boys and girls to sit in heterosexual
pairs, against their will, comfort and cultural sensitivities.

72 
 Several such NGOs, multinationals and other agencies working
with the local youth force a mixed- gender culture and ethos upon
Indians, backed by their money power. This process also affects
women adversely.

Case study
A young Delhi girl who joined a leading BPO company (call centre)
was shocked when she was asked to go on a recreational staff
tour, where all the boys were paired off with girls and asked to
share a hotel room. She refused and lost her job.

Earlier she was asked to come to an office party dressed in a

short skirt, and she refused. She was in the bad books of her boss
ever since.
2. Male-female bonds are given unlimited power:
- Open and aggressive female sexual interest in men is glorified
and promoted and expected of all ‘normal’ females. All social
regulations/ mores put in place by traditional societies at the time
of granting excessive powers to male-female sex indirectly granting
‘invisible’ power to women, are removed.

Case study
A leading socio-political magazine/ news channel has published/
broadcast, in September 2005, a survey to show how girls in
India are increasingly loosening up on sex. The survey indicated
that more and more girls now consider casual sex and dating to
be acceptable. The channel praised the changes as progressive.

- Non-marital, casual male-female relationships are glorified,

promoted, and expected of all ‘normal’ people. Sex without marriage
becomes a basic right for an adult man and woman. While the
rights of non male-female couples to have relationships is highly
regulated and forced out of the mainstream.
It becomes a pointless exercise for the society to give enormous

73 
social power to male-female sex and to invest so much of social
efforts to pressurize men and women to have sex, if such relationships
are not going to give anything in return. There is no excuse for the
society to suppress other non-reproductive forms of sexual bonds
if it is relentlessly promoting non-reproductive heterosexual bonds.
Thus heterosexualisation only serves to unreasonably empower one
group of people over the others.

Case study
A leading Delhi newspaper expressed outrage at an incident where
residents of a middle class colony made comments about a youth
living alone in a rented house. He used to bring in new girls to his
house now and then for the night.

Heterosexuality (see glossary) is unreasonably and artificially

propagated as masculine/ macho/ majority trait, so that eventually
it becomes synonymous with ‘straight’ (meaning masculine).
- All other forms of love relationships are wiped out from the
mainstream: Especially male-male relationships are homosexualised.
(We will discuss this issue in another chapter.)
The process of marginalisation of other forms of sexual relationships/
needs includes not acknowledging their presence in the mainstream.
This creates an impression that ‘normal’ people don’t need such
relationships. All issues, joys and problems concerning these bonds
remain unacknowledged and thus unaddressed.

Case study
An oft-repeated statement by sex education trainers in India is
that “it is normal for adolescents to develop sexual attraction for
the opposite sex”. The immediate message that reaches the young
is that it is not normal to have sexual attraction for the same sex.

- Heterosexual relationships supercede all other human bonds:

The male-female sexual relationship becomes the most important

74 
relationship around which the entire heterosexual society revolves.
All other relationships including that of parents, siblings,
friendships, etc. take a back seat. The right of the male-female
couple is the ultimate, superceding that of even those with one’s
parents. The family has space only for husband-wife and children
until they grow up. Joint families become a thing of the past.

Case study
In heterosexual societies the woman has the sole right over her
children. Only she decides how to bring them up. The love and
wisdom of the elderly are seen as problematic. In such
circumstances the elderly become redundant and also lose respect.
A European wife of an Indian man was apprehensive about her
mother-in-law showing ‘excessive’ interest in ‘her’ baby, when
she visited India. Discussing on an Indian website, she saw this
as an infringement on her space.

Case study
The Indian legal system has based itself entirely on British values
and trashed Indian values and concepts. In traditional India, parents
had greater right on their son than the wife. But law has given all
legal rights over the man only to his wife. For instance, the son is
under no legal obligation to look after his old parents. But he has a
legal obligation to financially support his wife, even if she is earning.

Consequently, in a heterosexual society, male-female sexual

desire becomes the supreme human quality. Ironically, this has
nothing to do with its reproductive worth. And the right of men
and women to form sexual relationships, even without marriage
or procreation, is accepted as the ultimate.
3. The oppression of men is intensified
- Men are broken from men: They lose the ability to relate
with, bond with or unite with other men. We have read about
it earlier.

75 
 Case study
In the heterosexualised West, men who are working on masculinity
issues feel extremely isolated. It is almost impossible to unite
men to work for their own liberation. In the West you can unite
men to work for women, but not for men.
Tom Sheperd (name changed) is over 60-years-old and has
spent a significant part of his latter life working on men’s issues
and rights. The society has treated him shabbily. His wife had
exploited him, divorced him and walked away with the children
and property. That is when he decided to organise men to protect
their rights. He is doing a thankless job working all alone with his
own money — since no agency would fund such work. There is
hardly any support from other men. Men in the West don’t think
about uniting until something terrible happens.

The situation is different in India, where men take readily to

the idea of uniting to work for their rights and issues. This India is
not yet a heterosexual society.
- Men become increasingly disempowered and vulnerable: As
society becomes anti-man, it takes away men’s outer power but
increases his oppression.
- Male-male sexual bonds and desire is homosexualised: It is
denigrated and portrayed as sick, deviant, different, queer, feminine,
minority and a homosexual trait. This issue is discussed in a later
chapter on page 130.
- Women become the oppressors: Women’s invisible power to exploit
men are increased several fold. We will read about this ‘invisible’
power in a later section.

Case study
Neelam, a pretty girl, born and brought up in Mumbai, now working
and living alone in a town in east India, expected every desirable
man in her office to sleep with her. In addition, she expected
them to do favours for her every now and then.

76 
 When a newcomer ignored her advances for several days, she
became disgusted and criticised the man in front of others,
accusing him of not being a ‘man’ and of being a ‘homosexual’. It
affected the position of the man amongst his peers, but there
was little he could do about it. Dealing with a man in such
cirucumstances is much easier.

The harmful effects of heterosexualisation

“Why are you holding hands with the other guys? Don’t you have girlfriends?”
– a confused American in Shimla interviewing youths in an episode of ‘the
lonely planet’
Heterosexualisation is an unnatural (anti-nature) process that makes
a number of natural human traits redundant, and also creates a lot
of human waste in its wake (people who fail to fit in become
redundant, as a heterosexual society has no use for them). Thus it
generates misery and pain. It is an oppressive process – both for
men and women – and only works to unduly benefit a few.
Apart from the above, heterosexualisation is directly or indirectly
responsible for two extremely serious problems afflicting human
kind: population explosion and environmental degradation. The
seeds of heterosexualisation were sown with the enforcement of
the marriage institution thousands of years earlier. Nature has
created its own mechanism to keep the human population under
sustainable levels. The social mechanism of oppression has
completely overthrown this precarious natural balance. As the
human population increases beyond what nature can sustain, the
quality of human life goes down. So does the quality of human
life.
All available methods to rid male-female sex of procreation are
fraught with serious side-effects. Condoms are non-biodegradable
and devastating for the environment. Hormonal methods have
serious side-effects. Surgically tampering with the male or female
reproductive system is invasive, painful and not completely safe or

77 
harmless. And abortion is nothing short of murder. It is astounding
that society still has the social mechanism of oppression in place.
Why would you want to force men to mate with women when you
can’t deal with so many children?
Heterosexualisation has removed men from their true nature
and made them addicted to easy power. Removed from their inner
nature, men have lost respect for nature. It has made men short-
sighted vis-à-vis his environment. A heterosexual society is basically
a myopic, materialistic society. Amongst the other ill-effects of
basing the entire society on male-female sexual intimacy are:
i) The breaking up of joint families into nuclear families which
include only the man-woman couple and children when
they are young.
ii) A sharp increase in divorce cases, as raising of children is
no more the primary objective of marriage. The primary
objective becomes the romance between the couples, a
concept which is unstable and often an illusion.
iii) Families do not take on the responsibility of the old. A
family which is based solely on the relationship between
husband and wife has no space for other kith and kin,
even if it is their own parents or siblings.
iv) As the institution of marriage weakens and joint families
disintegrate, more and more women with careers end up
raising children alone as single mothers.
v) As the population levels become a problem, and raising
children become difficult without a stable marriage
institution, more and more families have only one child.
The child loses the natural joys of growing up with siblings.
vi) Heterosexualisation is an anti-male process. It increases
their pressures to the extremity and takes away their
breathing spaces. It also takes away most (but the
superficial) of the privileges that were given to them in
lieu of their freedom. In the end man becomes a second
class and powerless human gender.

78 
Conclusion
Freedom to express and fulfill one’s sexual needs with dignity and
without undue social regulations in itself is a healthy thing and
should be promoted.
But a biased and partial freedom — as represented by
heterosexualisation — where the already privileged form of human
sexuality is unduly given more freedom, and exploitative powers
and which involves massive restructuring of the society to make
‘heterosexuality’ viable, driving the already persecuted bonds into
the margins is not justifiable. Especially when the society is not
gaining anything in return.
It is like giving reservation to the rich and denying jobs to the
poor.
There is a direct relationship between giving social freedom
selectively to male-female sex and the further marginalization/
oppression of already suppressed forms of human bonds, especially
male-male bonds. As can be seen by the examples of the west, such
a biased freedom for the privileged does not later translate into
freedom for the oppressed. Instead it empowers tremendously the
vested interest groups who make it impossible for the society to
truly liberalise.

The myth of sex power

“Sex is not a power, it’s a need”
One of the biggest ironies of social manhood is that while it is
made out that men’s sexual drive is their power, it actually subjugates
them: outwardly to women, but actually to social norms. Men are
granted so much social power for proving/pretending they can
satisfy women that the sex act with women in itself has come to
symbolise power. So much so that the word for masculinity in
Hindi, mardanigi, has become a synonym for sex power. If you
talk about mardanigi, people think you are talking about the ‘power’
(sic) to satisfy women or even about the length of the penis.

79 
 The media and popular culture further complicate matters by
giving false images of male sexual ‘prowess’. Since men cannot reach
those absurd standards, they end up developing complexes that
affect their personality and sexual relationships. Then there are
those who end up bragging about their (imaginary) sexual powers,
thus gaining a point over others. But in the process, others feel
miserable and incomplete.
Of course there are those who may not have much by way of
natural masculinity – and in a level playing field would be deemed
‘lesser men’ – but who tend to garner immense social masculinity
because they can ‘satisfy’ women.
One corollary of the false propaganda that it takes a ‘real’ man
to have sex with a woman is that, young men who have not had sex
with a woman, are easily subjugated by men who claim they have
had such sex. They falsely make it into an extremely difficult thing,
requiring special skills or guts, as if it is equal to climbing Mt
Everest. One would wonder why a natural phenomenon should
require any effort at all.

Case study
Ramesh is a timid boy studying in Class 10. There is a bully
Sonu in his class who claims to have had sex with girls. Sonu
keeps teasing Ramesh for no reason than that he is timid.
One day, in the presence of the others, he tells Ramesh that
Ramesh will never be able to satisfy women, because to satisfy
her he has to put her on ‘heat’. Ramesh thinks that Sonu knows
everything about sex, and believes what he says. He actually
does not have a clue as to how to put a woman on ‘heat’. He
develops an inferiority complex. It affects his personality and
self-confidence.

80 
Satisfying women: an elusive goal
“in India people think that mardanigi (masculinity) refers to the size of the
penis”
Male-female sex, according to nature, is geared more towards
procreation than towards providing sexual satisfaction to the female.
By burdening the man with the responsibility of satisfying women
as a prerequisite for granting social masculinity, society has given
men an elusive goal that will keep him forever subjugated.
This makes men live perenially under deep seated insecurity
and inferiority complex regarding their manhood – even though
they conceal it under masks of power and aggression. It adds
considerable stress to their lives. One direct fallout of this is that
men develop – or think they develop – a number of sex problems.
Half of these are not problems, but since they are seen as coming
in the way of satisfying women, they are deemed problems (e.g. a
smaller size of penis or premature ejaculation). Other problems,
often falsely described as physical/medical problems, are created
by the pressures of ‘sex power’. There is usually nothing wrong
with the sexual mechanism of the man, the problem created by his
unfounded fears and stress (e.g. erectile dysfucntion due to
performance anxiety).

Case study
Young men in traditional India are told that if a man fails to get it
up in the first night (of marriage), he would lose the ‘battle’ and
will become a Joru ka gulaam, i.e. he will be ruled by his wife for
the rest of his life.

Case study
Another common saying is that if the man is unable to satisfy his
wife, she will then go to other men for sex. This is a great disgrace
for any man, as it is supposed to expose his lack of mardanigi.

81 
 Numerous advertisements circulated by quacks (several
paramedics and those having degrees in Ayurveda, etc. also are
into this business, apart from those who are not even educated)
and numerous pornographic and other sex magazines in India scare
men with stupid ideas, that having sex with women is a big deal.
It also adds shine to the fake power already wielded by men who
have “proved their masculinity” by having sex with women.

Case study
A Hindi magazine Saras Kathayein (a cheap sex magazine,
masquerading as a serious magazine on sex), in its March 2004
issue quotes a woman in one of its stories (purported to be a real
account): “Mother f***, you thought you were a man … you burst
balloon, you cannot bear the heat of a woman’s body … you want
to play with fire … where is your masculinity … come on, show
your manhood!” The man in this story has tried sexual intercourse
with her twice and yet has not satisfied her (it turns out that she
is a lesbian). In response to the woman, he only mutters, “Sorry!”

One of the frequent queries that sexual health counsellors in

India get is, “Ladki ko kaise garm kiya jaye?” (how to “heat up” a
woman) meaning how to arouse her sexually. If a man can’t do it,
it means he lacks masculinity. Indian men are obsessed with this
issue.
Things like whether the girl likes the boy or not, is ready for sex
or not, are considered immaterial. The man’s manhood has to take
the responsibility for her failure to respond sexually. This is a good
example of how successful society has been in fooling the man.
Not surprisingly, men worry a lot about their sex power. They go
to great lengths to increase sex power and cure themselves of
innumerable real and imaginary sex problems that keep them from
satisfying women. Traditionally, medicines made out of the bones or
other body parts of animals –bones of tiger, rhinoceros’ horn, oil
supposed to be extracted from sanda, an Indian reptile – are said to
increase male ‘sex’ power. Men are so desperate to get these things

82 
that the demand has led many of these animals close to extinction.
However, these so-called medicines do not have any real curative
value. Quacks fleece young men by giving them useless medicines
for sex problems. Some of these medicines can even prove harmful.

Animals like
rhinocerous
have been
driven near
extinction
because they
are poached
for their
horn
which is
said to
increase men’s
‘sex power’.

Case study
Sudeep comes from a lower middle class family. He is so stressed
because of his nocturnal emissions (nightfall) that he has spent
Rs.20,000 for medicines that he has bought from a quack to cure
him. The problem persists.

Case study
Rajiv is 27-years-old. When he was 17, misguided by propaganda,
he took homeopathy medicines from a quack to ‘treat’ his nocturnal
emissions. It has cured his ‘nightfall’ but he has not produced
any semen since he has taken that course, and no treatment
seems to help him now.

A more disturbing trend seen lately is that several doctors with

recognised degrees have started offering treatment for these so-
called diseases. This, when modern science does not see them as

83 
medical problems but as psycho-sexual problems. These qualified
doctors, regardless, charge heavy fees for tests and treatment.

Case study
Twenty-four-year-old Tejinder from Sonepat was heavily stressed
because his family was getting him married and his sexual need
was only for men. However, he was not concerned about himself
but about satisfying his wife. He read an advertisement in Punjab
Kesri, by a qualified doctor who had an infertility clinic in Amritsar.
The doctor promised to cure homosexuality apart from nightfall
and premature ejaculation.
The doctor conducted several tests on Tejinder that cost him
Rs. 5,000. He was diagnosed as having low levels of testosterone,
– which was given as the cause for his so-called homosexuality.
The doctor offered to cure him for Rs.50,000. A second opinion
from AIIMS, New Delhi showed that he had completely normal
levels of testosterone.

The reality about sex power

“Social masculinity has made Sex a weakness for men”
Satisfying women was cleverly made a criteria for giving social
masculinity by society in order to force men to devote all their
sexual energy towards servicing women – with procreation and
raising of children in mind. However, this denotes men’s
enslavement, not their power.
Sex is just a natural need, like hunger and thirst. It is a pleasurable
sensation and an activity which binds two people. It should only
be felt. It should be experienced and enjoyed only as, when and as
much as it happens naturally.
Tying sex with power has made sexual feelings and sex a burden
for most men. It is not something they can sit back and experience.
Their worth now depends on how well they can satisfy and please
women. As if they are women’s slaves. Men worry endlessly whether
they will be able to fulfil this requirement, to gain the honour of

84 
being called ‘real men’. As if to prove their foolishness, men compete
with each other, flaunting their sexual behaviour as a power
assertion.
It is absurd that masculinity and the worth of a man depend on
whether or not he can empty himself into a vagina. This so-called
power comes cheap and undeserved. You do not need to possess
any special masculine qualities to achieve this. It is no big feat, and
a cheap way of evaluating a man’s worth.
It does not take anything to have penetrative sex with a woman,
if desire is present. This desire has nothing to do with masculinity.
Sex is a natural phenomenon. If you do it according to your inner
needs, you don’t need any skills. It happens by itself. Sex should
have been one of the easiest things on earth to do and to enjoy. It
has been rendered neither, thanks to social masculinity.
Far from being a power, sexual need in reality has been made
into the biggest weakening factor for men. Women, especially
sexually aggressive women, are aware of this area of man’s (social)
vulnerability and the real power it gives to women. They are not
averse to use it against men, to control them. They demand sexual
gratification from unwilling men, making them feel guilty if they
don’t comply. They humiliate men in order to control them by
referring to their inability to ‘satisfy’ them. Women have been
given the power to make or disqualify a man.
Social masculinity actually takes away men’s sex power. Power
and slavery do not go together. The ‘power’ is a sham. The ‘slavery’
is real.

The invisible power of women

“One tactic of oppression is the implicit denial of oppression by making its
infrastructure as invisible as possible. “ – Kendall Clark
When men and women were forced into our present form of human
civilisation based on the institution of marriage, they both made
several sacrifices and gained something in return. Although women

85 
lost ‘outer power’, they were invested with an ‘invisible’ power
over men. Invisible because, like the oppression of men, it can’t be
easily seen. In fact women enjoy this ‘invisible’ power as if it is a
natural phenomenon, oblivious to the fact that it is a result of
social manipulation. With this invisible power, man is sexually
bound exclusively to women. With this power women get a handle
on men by being the source of their social manhood. Men know
they are extremely vulnerable in the presence of women (unless
they wear masks), but they fail to see the invisible power that
makes this possible.
The notion of satisfaction of women being a measure of a man’s
social manhood places immense power in the hands of women.
Men depend helplessly on women to be called a man, for their
position in the race for manhood, dignity and honour – in fact
for their very survival in the society. This gives unfair social
advantage to women to exploit men and dictate and control their
lifestyle. Wherever there is unreasonable power, it will lead to its
abuse.
What makes this power several times more potent is that it is
invisible. It is not acknowledged by society and facts are so neatly
hidden by society that men and women think that it is the natural
way of things. Men accept it as their fate ordained by nature and
suffer in silence.
Yet the fact is that women know as little about manhood as
men know about being a woman. They can’t tell a ‘real’ man from
a ‘lesser’ man — they have no natural instinct to distinguish. So
they largely depend on social norms and social images to grant
social manhood. But we know that these images can be false.
Women also use a lot of arbitrariness that suit their own interests
when using this power.
In short, it’s utter foolishness to have women as the source of
men’s manhood. It is a sign of man’s enslavement and
oppression.

86 
The effect of heterosexualisation on women’s ‘invisible’ powers
Heterosexualisation makes this invisible power a thousand times
more potent, thus increasing the vulnerability of men several fold.
In traditional societies, the customs and values ensured that this
invisible power was not misused by women, mainly by putting a
number of restrictions on female sexuality vis-à-vis men. The
heterosexualisation process removes all such barriers.
The heterosexualisation process also seeks to remove the ‘outer’
oppression of women and to restore their ‘outer’ power, which is
commendable. However, it ignores, and actually increases manifold
the ‘invisible’ oppression of men. It disrupts the precarious power
balance between men and women created by our ancestors at the
time of inventing the marriage institution. The new order is anti-
man, as it leaves him no leeway.

87 
3. Understanding Natural Masculinity
“To me the definition of true masculinity - and femininity, too - is being able to
lay in your own skin comfortably” – Vincent D’Onofrio

What is masculine behaviour and what is feminine

behaviour?
“So what is masculinity, anyway – a hairy chest and the ability to change the oil
in your car yourself?” – John Ballew

C an we become more masculine than we are by smoking

cigarettes? Or chasing girls? Or sporting a moustache? Will dancing
make us feminine? Will donning an earring make us feminine? Or
cooking food? The answer is simple. Masculinity and femininity
are inside us. Activities and objects are not in themselves masculine
or feminine. It is the person doing that act that makes it masculine
or feminine.
When a masculine man dances, he makes the dance appear
masculine. A feminine man can smoke all the cigarettes that he
wants, or run after girls, his femininity will always show. Cigarettes,
girls, etc. are artificially ascribed as ‘masculine’ by our society, and
doing these things only give us the illusion of being masculine.
In a society which does not recognise our biological masculinity,
but insists on proofs of social manhood, doing these things are the
easiest way of proving that we are indeed men. A boy, when he
smokes, is actually telling the world that he is masculine and should

88 
be treated as such. Smoking is just a symbol approved by the society
as masculine. We desperately want society to accept us as ‘men’,
and do these acts to show the ‘proofs’ demanded by the society.
We also do these acts because this is our way of relating with
other men, because we believe they all want to do the same thing.
This ‘relating’ makes us feel masculine. This has to do with the
‘herding’ or bonding instincts of men. In a society where men are
broken from other men, this may be the only way to relate with
each other. However, this is not a ‘real’ way of relating with other
men, only symbolic. Our society is taking away more and more
opportunities from boys to really relate with other boys, leaving
them no option but to resort to these symbolic activities.
A man who is confident of his masculinity, however, does not
depend on these social symbols to appear masculine. He knows
that anything that he does will have his stamp of masculinity. He
will use lipstick and still appear masculine. He will even carry off a
little femininity with masculine pride.
Now let us examine the most essential requirements set by
society for granting manhood and see if these are really masculine
acts: we are talking about sex ‘power’. Men exaggerate sexual interest
in women several fold while suppressing their sexual need for men
in order to establish their sex power. Sexual interest in women is
considered a masculine quality, while a sexual interest in men –
more so a romantic interest – is propagated as unmanly.

Sexual interest in women

“……You become that whom you love” ~ anonymous
Let’s examine the assertion that sex with a woman makes a man
masculine, that it is proof or essence of his real masculinity. The
power and masculinity that those boys show, who have had sex
with a girl or who claim to have had sex with a girl, is inescapable.
You can’t help being overawed by them. You automatically start
revering them and they become your ideal. The impression that

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you get is that one is not a man unless one has had sex with a
woman. No wonder such boys act superior and others follow them
wherever they go and whatever they do.
What is it that makes men look masculine when they date
women? If you have eve-teased with other guys, you would
remember the feeling of power that had suddenly enveloped you –
an overwhelming feeling of masculinity – of being a man. You
would have felt the same power pursuing a girl in your colony or
flirting with her on the bus. When others tease you associating
you with a girl, that ‘masculinising’ feeling revisits you. Dating a
girl, if you’re living in a Westernised environment, would take you
to the ultimate heights of feeling masculine.
How can all this not be natural? If you have tasted this power, how
could you not ask for more? It is obvious that having sexual feelings for
a woman is what being a Mard (masculine man) is all about.
Therefore, you cannot have enough of it. In a world where a
display of sexual desire for women (a substitute for actual sex with
women) has become the display of ultimate power in the race for
social manhood, that defines each man’s status and position among
peers, boys are under immense pressure to exaggerate such feelings
beyond what occurs naturally to them. In this process, they develop
a deep inferiority complex, and protect their secret fiercely, causing
them a lot of mental stress. Because in this power play, a lack of
sexual desire for women is seen as an abnormality, disease, and a
lack of masculinity. The pressure is so intense in India that the
very meaning of the word masculinity (mardanigi in Hindi) has
become “the power to satisfy women”.
Yet this unbelievably intoxicating power is not real. Neither is
this feeling of masculinity natural. The power does not directly
emanate from the sexual desire for or the sex act with women. This
feeling of masculine power partly comes from participating in an
activity that all men are supposed to be doing. But most of it is
part of a social mechanism, an intricate social reward and
punishment system designed to control male sexual behaviour.
This mechanism developed thousands of years ago, to ensure

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maximum male participation in the reproduction process, at a time
when new civilisations needed more children.
The western concept of heterosexuality is also negligible in
mammals, in all its aspects — whether its male-female bonding;
or casual male-female sex; or a sexual repulsion between males. For
in spite of the popular notion that sex with females and reproduction
are the distinguishing biological functions of a male, in reality
only 5% - 15% of mammalian males in the wild mate with the
females regularly (which means in every mating season). Of the
rest, many mate only a few times in their life and a big proportion
of males don’t mate at all — and this includes many dominant
males.
In the early tribal societies at the dawn of human civilisation,
few men participated in the mating process regularly, many
preferring not to partake at all. Men were also not involved in the
raising of children — although they took care of male adolescents.
Men spent their entire lives in male-only groups. When humans
started settling down in civilisations in uninhabited lands, they
felt the need to grow in number at a faster rate. Then societies
started to pressurise men to mate with women.
Today, we don’t need to increase our population, as it has become
a threat to our survival. But this social mechanism is so deeply
entrenched that it has become an end in itself. It is also reflected
in our religious traditions. In Hinduism, every man is required to
get married and produce a son. Others like Islam and Christianity
strongly disapprove of population control measures and non-
reproductive sex.
The fact that the society exerts such extreme pressures on men
— including extreme punishments and rewards — for having sex
with women, points amply to the fact that sex with women is not
such a strong driving force for a big section of the masculine male
population.
The society makes unimaginably huge social investments in
building, maintaining and enforcing the anti-male mechanisms.
A small group of people, including a class of males, do benefit

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hugely from these mechanisms. They are the most vocal in enforcing
this system. These males get ‘easy’ power and manhood status on
a platter — even if they lack natural masculinity — just on account
of having sex with women.
There is nothing intricately masculine in having sex with a
woman, or even satisfying her. Most masculine men are a complete
failure when it comes to satisfying women. Most masculine
gendered men do not have a clue as to how to satisfy women, and
myths and misconceptions abound.
Most feminine gendered males are better capable of having sex
with or satisfying women. This includes non-castrated hijras. In
the West, they are called transgendered males. According to
estimates, about 90 per cent of them are ‘heterosexual’. They are
better at satisfying women than masculine men because they have
a better understanding of women. Satisfaction is a matter of
emotional understanding and intimacy and not about the size of
the penis or the duration for which one can withhold one’s
ejaculation.
Castrated males (eunuchs), transsexual males who have had a
sex change operation and naturally born women are no less capable
of having sex with and satisfying other women. They do the best
job, for there is complete understanding. Social myths presume
that women need to be penetrated for them to feel satisfied (to
have an orgasm). However, that is not true. Women’s orgasm
comes from a direct manipulation of their clitoris with fingers,
objects or mouth. It is not possible to achieve this with one’s
penis.
At the same time, not all masculine men show a sexual interest
in women. That includes many alpha males (remember our own
Hanuman!). A significant proportion of men have an occasional
interest in women. The kind of exaggerated sexual interest for
women demanded by our society from men is impractical. Again,
for a masculine man, a close intimate bond with a woman may be
a difficult thing to achieve because of gender differences. Therefore,
satisfying women may actually be elusive for him.

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 How can something which feminine gendered males and women
can do better than ‘men’, be a masculine thing? A masculine man
is not dependent on such desires or sexual acts to be a real man. A
naturally masculine man will remain masculine even if he has no
sexual desire for women.
Today, the social mechanism to encourage/force men to
participate in the reproduction process has taken the form of a
‘heterosexual’ society in the West, where all men and women
are expected to date each other from an early age, even in school.
It puts extreme pressure on boys compared to traditional
societies like India, where the pressure was limited to displaying
a sexual interest or having sexual intercourse but not an
emotional interest. Dating is more taxing for many men. Even
though it is propagated today as a masculine thing, not all
masculine men want to or are capable of bonding with women
(and vice versa).
All macho and warrior traditions in the past, including our own
akharas, required their men to keep away from women (apart from
as mothers or sisters) in order to preserve their masculinity. Many
followers of Lord Hanuman to this date do not marry. This does
not mean that they hate or mistreat women. These men do not see
women as ‘sex objects’, but they have immense respect for women.
Because the society had created extreme pressures on men to have
sex with women, masculine men had created several women less
spaces for themselves. Avoiding the company of unrelated women
was important because of the pressures and not because of a
disrespect for women. Sportsmen too, until recently, were required
to avoid the company of women.
Most marriages in traditional societies like India, till recently,
did not involve ‘bonding’ of man and woman. In many cases their
relationship was limited to sex, raising of children and family
matters. Women formed emotionally supportive relationships with
other women, while men bonded with other men.
In fact in traditional societies, while there were pressures to
have sex with women, bonding with women was considered a

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feminising factor for men. This, as we shall see is an immensely
positive femininity.
Women who naturally seek to bond with men — on their part
— too do not prefer men who are too masculine. They like
femininity in men, and want their men to be soft, and sensitive,
and not too dominant. Men who are more feminine are most likely
to be stable and caring parents in order to raise children — the
primary concern of the female species. This has been proved in
several studies in humans. This fact has also been observed in
animals.

Conclusion
In spite of all its pretensions to masculinity, there is a very close
relationship between heterosexuality and femininity/
transgenderism in males, which is indeed valuable. This relationship
has also been seen in animals, especially mammals, e.g. sheep, sea
lions and red foxes. While most sheep live in male-only or female-
only groups, a few male sheep live in the female pack as ‘females’
and bond with them. A few Sea lions who —— although they
want to mate with females — choose not to get into periodic
combat with other males for this. They rather bond with females
as permanent couples. Similarly, in red foxes although the female
may mate with the strongest male, if she wants a male partner to
raise her young, she chooses the more feminine male. Amongst
humans, many ‘true’ heterosexuals (not those who take on the
identity only as a power symbol) secretly desire to dress, live or act
like women. The extreme of this is known in the West as
‘transsexualism’.
In fact the only good thing about Heterosexualisation is that it
promotes what is known as ‘meterosexuality’ in men — something
which was stigmatized in traditional societies.
Our objective here is not to denigrate male sexual desire for
females or to discourage men from indulging in it. The objective is
to reduce the artificial pressure on men and disperse the associated
brouhaha and myths. So that men can be their natural selves, can

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act and feel as per their natural needs without unfair pressures that
drive men to do things harmful to both men and women. In this
age of human rights and open and fair societies, it is unfair that
men should continue to live under oppressive myths and
misconceptions. There is no justification any more to stop
discussions on these issues with our youth.
Sexual bonds with women are not useless for masculine men.
Apart from their importance in the reproduction process and the
raising of young, such bonds give men the much-needed balance
in their lives by putting them in touch with their femininity. But
there is a proper time and place for such relationships in a man’s
life. Early youth is not that time. This is the time when boys need
to develop their masculinity.

Sexual interest in men

“If they (macho youth of military/police/mafia) would go make out with each
other (and I use that word in its most positive and appreciative sense) the world
would be vastly improved. They make it with women only to brag about it, but
are actually far happier in the barracks than in boudoirs. We may be destroying
ourselves through the repression of male-male bonds.” ~ Alan Watts, Buddhist
scholar and author.
In the ancient world, love and sexual intimacy between men was
not supposed to be limited to a ‘sexual minority’, as is made out
today. Most men developed such bonds, which were
institutionalised and blessed by society. Today we live in an entirely
different world – one that is the result of a few thousands of years
of oppression of such bonds.
Most evidences of these universal love bonds between masculine
men in the ancient world have been destroyed through the ages –
but many have survived – from ancient Greece to even more ancient
tribes that are still living in New Papa Guinea and the Andaman
and Nicobar islands, from the ancient Celt and Germanic warriors
of Europe to the medieval Samurai warriors of Japan. To take an
example, in ancient Greece, during their youth, men ‘married’

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other young men, marrying women only when after they reached
30 years of age.
All these societies were warrior cultures, and the masculinity of
the warriors flowed from their bonds with their male lovers. Lover
pairs fought their enemies and
defended each other till death, took
care of their lover when he fell sick,
stood by each other in the thick
and thin of life. It created several
legends, such as that of Gilgamesh
and Enkidu, the two most
powerful men in ancient Sumeria,
who were first staunch enemies and
then became inseparable lovers;
Alexander the Great and
Hephaistion were one of the
greatest conquerors the world has
known and also one of the most
Alexander the great (356–323 BC)
committed lovers. Hadrian is said
to have fought with and killed a lion with his bare hands to save
Antonius. In these cultures, love between two men was considered
the most masculine and purest form of love.
There is evidence that in ancient tribal societies, men who
had the highest honours were especially sought after as lovers
by other men, and honour was especially sought for this. Even
in later societies, like ancient Greece, young men would
participate in deadly wrestling bouts in order to win honour
and male lovers.
Deep and committed sexual bonds between male pairs have
also been widely reported amongst wild life by researchers, lately,
after suppressing such evidences for centuries. From dolphins to
elephants, from lions to crabs, from sea creatures to apes. There are
several evidences now that it is a universal sexual drive amongst
mammals. Indeed most mammalian males prefer to live and bond
with other males. This includes one of our closest cousins in the

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wild, with whom we share most of our genes: the chimpanzees.
Bands of fearsome male chimpanzees stick together in everything
they do, throughout life. Their bonds are extremely strong because
they are also sexual. They hunt together, fight enemy groups
together, defend each other from enemies and even help their
partners in procreating by helping them to mate with females. It
makes life much easier and worthwhile. Such bonds apparently
provide an evolutionary edge and many scientists are now
challenging Darwinism.
Scientists now state that human beings are capable of being
sexually attracted towards both men and women. Ironically, while
all traditional societies knew and acknowledged this fact, modern
heterosexual societies suppress and misrepresent it, claiming that
sexual desire for the same sex occurs only in a few.

Social vulnerability of men

Men have always secretly known and understood the universal
male need for intimacy with men, but have also known that the
society strongly discourages open acknowledgement of such desire.
They are also aware of a class of antagonistic males amongst them
who, though a minority, are very loud. They derive extreme power
from the prevalent sexual norms. They oppose/ isolate male-male
desire as soon as they see a hint of it, for example, by calling the
person a homosexual.
Calling a masculine gendered man a homosexual is one of the
severest ways of putting him to shame. It is inappropriate. It suggests
that the person is no longer a member of the male pack and strips
the man of social honour and masculinity. If not proved otherwise,
it can isolate and bar him from his peers and he may not get the
opportunity to cultivate and develop his natural masculinity. Since
a discussion on this topic is stigmatized there is no way left for a
masculine man, but to disown his same-sex feelings.
This vulnerability has prevented the strongest human gender
from asserting one of its most basic rights.

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 Case study
In workshops on masculinity conducted for boys and young men,
when the issue of universality of male need to bond with another
male comes up – and as boys feel comfortable discussing these
issues – one of their concerns is that if they were to be open
about their desire for another boy, their peers would promptly
denigrate them as chakka or ‘homo’.

Bonds between men in traditional India

In Indian society, men have traditionally enjoyed close bonds with
each other. These bonds can easily become secretly erotic.
Relationships between men have prospered within this male
solidarity, albeit secretly. As long as men married and produced a
son and fulfilled other social duties, society looked the other way.
What would surprise many is that before the British arrived in
India, the Indian society had many socially approved spaces in the
mainstream male society, where male-male intimacy flourished
openly. Most such spaces and customs were destroyed by the long
British rule, but some survived till a century ago.
In the traditional society, male social intimacy was not seen as a
threat. It was the male-female intimacy that was not tolerated by the
society — unless it was in marriage and in private.
We have seen how the heterosexualisation of Indian society is
changing this traditional masculinity pattern. Heterosexualisation
also includes the homosexualisation of male-male love. It is one of
the most basic forms of male oppression.

Homosexualising male-male love

After destroying the male-only spaces, the forces of
heterosexualisation uproot and destroy every trace of male-male
bonds from the mainstream. They forcibly drag these relationships
out of the social purdah in the security of which they survived for
centuries. Masculine gendered men promptly react by disowning
their sexual need for men — as a means of survival. Any remaining

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instances of masculine male bonds are imposed with ‘social
femininity’, labeled and promptly thrown together with feminine
gendered males into a new social category — ‘homosexual’.
The misleading western concept of ‘sexual orientation’ comes
extremely handy in this. As same sex bonds become strongly
associated with the ‘homosexual’ group, mainstream men adopt
the misleading ‘heterosexual’ identity.
Men in India have so far resisted the homosexualisation of male-
male intimacy because heterosexualisation of Indian society has
not fully taken place and traditional male-only spaces are still strong.
Indian men don’t think that having sex with another man will
make them homosexual. But the countdown has begun and parts
of Indian culture, including the media (especially TV which has a
strong influence on young people) and parts of Westernised urban
India are almost completely heterosexualised. Indian men are
increasingly being cornered.

Case study
The HIV/AIDS intervention programme being implemented in
India, which is heavily funded by foreign donors, is being used
by certain vested interest groups to divide the Indian male
society along the lines of sexual orientation, and create a
homosexual identity. Although it has not worked and the only
takers for the homosexual identity have been the English
speaking feminine gendered males, the entire social machinery
– including the media and the government – has put its weight
behind this endeavour.
After the failure of the homosexual identity amongst Indian
men, some ‘gay’ activists introduced a clever term ‘MSM’, i.e.
‘men who have sex with men’ which, being a technical term,
was difficult to avoid. However, this has become another third
sex identity, and is used only by/ for feminine males. Ironically,
the indigenous feminine gendered males (e.g. the Hijras) too
reject this identity, since they do not consider themselves
‘men’.

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Portraying man’s desire for men as ‘feminine’ and ‘different’
The more a society artificially keeps male-male sexuality out of the
realm of social masculinity, the more men will ‘willingly’ avoid
and disown it. Therefore painting such bonds as ‘unmanly’ and
‘feminine’ is a prime stratregy of a heterosexual society.
As part of the homosexualisation process, sexual desire for men is
increasingly being propagated in India as a feminine, ‘gay’ thing,
represented by feminine hairdressers and fashion designers. The only
depiction of male-male sexual desire is through negative symbols
including ugly, funny, weird and queer (feminine) characters.

Case study
A programme on Star TV announces that it is going to present
the inside life of a ‘gay’. The ‘gay’ person happens to be a third
sex male, who comes on stage wearing a ladies suit and refers to
himself as ‘she’. ‘She’ explains how she always felt that she was
a woman from inside.

Case study
In the movie What Women Want shown on Star Movies, the
heroine tells the hero in a scene: “You think like a woman, you
know instantly what a woman wants. You must be gay!”

The root of the myth that male sexual desire for men is feminine
is a related myth that such an interest makes a person desirous of
being penetrated. Being penetrated is seen as a ‘female’ thing. By
making a motivated connection, it becomes easy to propagate male-
male sexual desire as feminine. Interestingly, masculine male desire
for another male seldom involves anal penetration – whether active
or passive – even though some men may experiment with it
occasionally. Nevertheless, the truth is that receptive anal sex is
not inherently feminine. It is gender neutral. In fact, in several
ancient tribal societies it was considered a masculinising factor.

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 Another related strategy to keep male-male bonds out of the
mainstream is to propagate them as ‘different’, ‘minority’, ‘deviant’ or
at best ‘alternative’. This gives the heterosexual society, which otherwise
claims to be open and fair, an excuse to marginalise these bonds. Science
is increasingly being abused and manipulated to generate this illusion.

Case study
In a research study splashed across the world, a scientist claimed
that ‘homosexuality’ (sic) is ‘caused’ by a rare gene inherited
from mothers. The theory has since been disproved by another
study, but few newspapers cared to report the disproof.

Case study
In another widely reported research, a transsexual scientist has claimed
that ‘homosexual’ men have brains similar to those of women.

While such researches have obvious irregularities and gaps, the

media nevertheless highlights them for their masala value, and the
fact that they strengthen the ‘heterosexualisation/
homosexualisation’ process.
One drawback of these motivated researches is that while they use
feminine gendered males as their sample, their results are portrayed to
include all male sexual desire for men —— since the western definition
of ‘homosexuality’ does not distinguish between feminine and
masculine gendered men. But the basic drawback is that they
conveniently assume that the modern socio-political ‘gay’ identity
constitute a distinct biological group, which is an absurd and
unscientific assumption. Men of different genders came together on a
common platform ‘homosexual’ in the west only because of their
oppression under heterosexualisation and not because of any biological
affinity. Thus science too becomes a tool of man’s oppression.
Overall, the scientific community has tried to study sexuality
in a very haphazard and abstract way. Thus they are bound to
arrive at wrong (often motivated) conclusions. Like the proverbial

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four blind men who tried to find out what an elephant is. They
touched one small part of the elephant and described the whole
elephant accordingly as being like a rope, a pillar, a snake or a fan.
There have been few sincere and honest attempts at studying
human gender sexuality in its entirety.

Difference between ‘homosexuality’ and ‘masculine male bonds’

Terms like ‘sexual orientation’, ‘heterosexual’ and ‘homosexual’
distort and misrepresent the truth about male gender and sexuality.
The basic assumptions behind these terms are wrong. Sexual
orientation is not a valid concept.
When these western/ heterosexual terms are forced upon a traditional
society like India, the meaning and connotation of these change. E.g.
the sexual identity ‘homosexual’ becomes a gender identity.
Since a ‘homosexual’ identity of sorts has already been created
in India, it becomes important to be able to distinguish between
sexual bonds between mainstream men and what is termed as
‘homosexuality’. This requires re-defining the word ‘homosexual’
and ‘homosexuality’ — and bringing them closer to reality.
The table below enlists the main differences between what has
come to be known as ‘homosexuality’ and what in this book, we
are calling ‘masculine male bonds’:

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Difference Homosexuality
1. Gender Feminine gendered:
Homosexuality refers to the
sexual desire of a feminine
gendered male for another male.
2. Social identity A Homosexual thus is a feminine
gendered male who desires other
males.
3. Feeling different Most homosexuals describe
feeling different from other
boys, even before they discover
their sexuality.
This difference is primarily
because of their feminine gender
but is wrongly associated with a
sexual desire for men.
Homosexual men look for a
separate identity from masculine
men.
4. nature of sexual Tend to prefer multiple
bonds with men partners.
5. Preference of Tend to prefer feminine
partners gendered males.
6. Attitudes of Women are largely supportive
women of ‘homosexuals’.

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Masculine malej (sexual) bonds
Masculine gendered:
The sexual desire of a masculine
gendered male for another male
does not need a separate
terminology.
No separate identity or
description is required to
describe a masculine gendered
man who desires another man,
as it is a near universal male
quality.
Masculine gendered men who
are in touch with their same-
sex feelings do not feel
‘different’ from other men, and
they do not like to be
segregated into a separate social
category.
Tend to bond one to one.
Tend to prefer masculine
gendered males.
Masculine male bonds
threaten the ‘invisible power’
of women. Many women are
therefore antagonistic towards
such bonds.
 Note: In a heterosexualised environment homosexuality also refers
to the weakened, emasculated, powerless and purposeless masculine
bonds which remain after they are persecuted in the mainstream.

Conclusion: male-male bonds are masculine

In spite of the intense propaganda and oppression, there is nothing
inherently feminine or deviant about male sexual desire for men. A
masculine man’s sexual desire for another is nothing but masculine. Male-
male intimate bonds (outside the ‘gay’ space) still have the capacity to
take men to the height of positive masculinity.
In fact, an important reason for banning male intimate bonds
from the human civilisation is that it strengthens and cultivates the
natural masculinity of men. Civilisations have long been struggling to
discard male masculinity and they cannot cope with heightened
masculinity which is celebrated so openly. Societies do not know how to
manage this raw power. Unless it is channelised properly, it may get out
of hand and threaten the ‘civilised’ society, particularly the marriage
institution. The civilised society does not want to guide and cultivate
masculinity. So it finds the easy way out by ‘banning’ it. A case study of
how they tame animals will make this phenomenon easier to understand.
Fortunately, there are examples in history and in the present
societies that have successfully encouraged and channelised
masculine bonds without jeopardising the marriage institution.
The ancient Greeks are the best example.

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 The masculinity checklist
Activity Whether most masculine me Whether most third gender or Masculinity status
can do/have? women can do/have?
Size of penis Masculine men have penises of Third gender males also have Does not depend on masculinity
all sizes, including very small penises of all sizes, including very
penises. big penises.
Sex with women Yes Yes. They have a better chance at Not masculine on its own.
satisfying women. Sexual bonds with women take men
towards their natural femininity.
Sex with men Yes Yes Not masculine on its own.
Sexual bonds between two mascu-
line men tend to increase their
natural masculinity.
Smoking and drinking Yes Yes Not masculine of its own.

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May reduce masculinity as it harms

Watching sports Masculine men may enjoy
watching sports but not as
much as playing.
Pink colour Yes
Dancing Yes, they may like to watch
both masculine and feminine
dance forms. But they tend to
participate in masculine dance
forms.
Expressing feelings Yes. Most poets and philoso-
phers have been masculine
males. you can’t be either
unless you are in touch with
your feelings and can express
them.
Marital arts Yes
Yes, though they may not enjoy
playing as much as watching.
Yes
Yes, they tend to participate
in feminine dance forms.
Yes, though not as good as
expressing their emotions
through poetry and philosophy.
No
one’s health and sexual energy.
Not masculine on its own.
Participating in outdoor sports
increases masculinity.
Not feminine or masculine in itself.
Not masculine or feminine on its
own. The person dancing will make
the same dance form appear
masculine or feminine.
Masculine
Then what is true masculinity?
“Only that which comes out unaffected from fire is pure gold” – an old saying
Real or natural masculinity is a feeling or sense of being male, as
distinct from a sense or feeling of being female, irrespective of one’s
outer sex. A person can be a male, yet naturally feel that he is
predominantly a female. Femininity can be understood as a feeling
or sense of being a female, irrespective of one’s outer sex. Of course
some women feel predominantly masculine. All men have some
feelings of femininity and all women have some feelings of
masculinity.
Masculinity is about feeling like a man, being full of masculine
energy, wanting to bond with men, wanting to relate with other
men, wanting to celebrate one’s maleness. It is also a feeling of
appreciation of masculinity in others.
Our true masculinity is represented by our deepest inner feelings,
needs and desires and our inner strength. Unfortunately, we have
suppressed them deep down within ourselves, under pressure from
social masculinity roles. As a result, we have lost connection with
our true masculinity. Now we cannot reach our natural masculinity,
not unless we know how to.
Whenever we interfere with nature – whether outside of us or
within us – the outcome is always harmful. In return for this loss
of natural masculinity, the society gives us social masculinity. Social
masculinity is a masculinity which is not real or natural, and is
dependent upon fulfilling social expectations even if they are
unreasonable/unnatural. Since our real masculinity is gone, we are
now dependent on social masculinity.
Real masculinity does not need to be proved. Real masculinity
is just there. Society may not sometimes acknowledge that
masculinity in order to force a man to comply. But if a man is
confident and firm, society will eventually acknowledge it.
The essence or seed of natural masculinity is given by nature. But
it needs to be cultivated and developed. The only way to do this is

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by celebrating masculinity. Otherwise it remains dormant. The only
way to celebrate masculinity is by relating with and bonding with
other men. When men unite, the inherent masculinity becomes
active. When we bond and relate with other men, we benefit from
the collective masculinity thus generated. It is a tremendous power.
In spite of an extreme reward and punishment mechanism of
society to control and oppress men, those who are true men have
stood their ground and not bowed before unreasonable gender
and sexual roles. They had to give up enormous powers that they
could easily have taken. They have withstood extreme punishments
as a result of disobedience. But such men always finally win back
their honour and social power. It is said that, only that which
comes out unaffected from fire is pure gold. This is what true
masculinity is all about.

Who is the real namard?

A namard is by definition an anti-man. He is a male biologically
but is anti-man either by temperament or more likely by
conditioning. He behaves in unmanly fashion, i.e. in ways that
harms men, as individuals or as a group.
Anybody who calls himself a man but behaves in a way that is
detrimental to the larger interests of men, or is hostile or
disrespectful of men, is a namard. A namard has no understanding
or appreciation of other men. He lacks the capacity to bond with
men at a deeper level or to empathise with them.
A namard lacks the ability to relate with men, to understand their
fears, pains and issues. He lacks the ability to appreciate masculinity
in others. And he lacks the ability to celebrate his own masculinity.
The biggest namard is the person who defends social masculinity
roles because he derives social power out of it. He is truly a lesser man
and he realises that he cannot compete with other men on a level
playing field, i.e. on the basis of natural masculinity, because he lacks
it. A namard is totally dependent on social masculinity for his manhood.
You will find this person critical of other men on the basis of sexual

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masculinity roles. This person has no respect for himself, leave alone
others. Ironically, you will find this true namard calling others namard.
But the more common kind of namards are those who bend
over backwards to fit into social masculinity roles —— in order to
avoid its harsh punishments or to avail of its immense benefits.
Those who suppress their own true needs and nature in order to
please vain social mechanisms. They may not defend these roles
but they don’t oppose it either. They lack the courage that real
manhood requires — to fight social oppression and injustice.
Unfortunately, this kind of namard includes most of us, because
most of us readily give in to oppressive roles without questioning
them.

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4. Men and Femininity
“What is most beautiful in virile men is something feminine…..what is most
beautiful in feminine women is something masculine.” – Susan Sontag

Femininity in males is about feeling like a woman, being endowed

with feminine energies, a true appreciation and understanding of
femininity in others. It is a need for relating with and bonding
with the feminine or the female.

Embracing femininity
“The ideal relationship between the two aspects of a man should be that the male
part is dominant with the feminine side supporting and co-operating with it.”
~ Michael G Millett, PhD
We are all two-spirited people, whether men or women. We all
have masculine and feminine energies within us. All ancient cultures
recognised this fact, whether our own Hindu philosophy which
talks of ardhnarishwar (Lord Shankar), i.e. the concept of male and
female within the same person, or the ancient tribes of America
(Indian Americans) which believed that every woman is born with
a small penis (clitoris) and every man is born with a small vagina.
It is only that men have more masculine energy and their
biological make-up is designed to make the best of that energy.
But they also need their feminine energy, without which they will
be crippled in dealing with many aspects of life and will not be
able to live it to the fullest. True and positive masculinity is not

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afraid of the small streak of femininity within. It doesn’t run away
from it or avoid it, but rather embraces it.

The two-spirited males

“Nobody knows how we struggle for a living nor how we feel when people insult
us” ~ Jereena, an Indian Hijra
There are some males whose feminine energies far exceed their
masculine energy. Such males combine physical capabilities of males
with the powers of the feminine. This gives rise to a unique form of
power, which neither men nor women have. Nature has given them
an important role in human life. They are the link between men
and women by being both men and women.
All ancient cultures respected and valued such people. They
were supposed to have unique spiritual and healing powers. The
original god in most cultures is seen as a hermaphrodite having
both male and female energies. In the beginning, they say, there
was only one god with both male and female energies within him
with which he created other gods and the world.
In the ancient world, such males were valued and given a special
place in society, often as priests, healers, astrologers, etc. They were
the link between men and women, who otherwise lived separate
lives. They participated equally in the reproduction process. In
North American Indian tribes, they were known as the ‘two-
spirited’ people.
The way our society has evolved, it has tried to suppress
femininity in males. The earlier two-spirited males have been
persecuted for centuries as the ‘abnormal’ and ‘sick’ third sex. This
has affected the lives of men and how we think, feel and behave
today. Men in general have become hateful and scared of femininity
inside them and in other men. The society has manipulated this
fear by artificially defining what is masculine and what is feminine.
And men have lost an important source of natural power.
The worst victims of this social oppression have been the two-

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spirited males of the ancient world. After centuries of persecution,
society has rendered them useless. The earlier two-spirited people,
who were both male and female, have now become ‘neither male
nor female’. They are abused, exploited and thrown out of the
society. Their unique inner power has become extremely negative
and self-destroying. In our country, such people are known as hijras.
In the heterosexual West, they are the gender and sexual minority
which includes transsexuals, transvestites and homosexuals.
The society holds hijras as an example of what will happen to
men if they don’t comply with the social and sexual roles of men
fixed by the society. Men instinctively fear this destiny. They quietly
comply with the social masculinity imposed upon them without
questioning it. And they fear the hijra within.
Men will never be able to liberate themselves from their
oppression unless they overcome this fear of the social namard
label. Only a respect for and acceptance of one’s femininity and
those in others, plus a respect for the feminine males (third gender),
can take them towards being a complete man.

Respecting women’s rights

“Larger freedom implies that men and women everywhere have the right to be
governed by their own consent” ~ Kofi Annan
Men and women have both been victims of the same social
mechanism, which has very rigid roles for both of them, harming
both the groups. The idea earlier was to bring man and woman
together into a social union called marriage. The ultimate aim was
to raise populations beyond the natural rate to make civilisations
possible at a time when child mortality was high, life-expectancy
was low, mating between male-female was low and people were
settling in remote, uninhabited areas. Both men and women had
to make immense sacrifices under this mechanism and this
gradually resulted in their oppression.
While men’s oppression was silent and invisible, women have

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been openly persecuted for thousands of years. For centuries they
have been confined within the four walls of the marriage system,
where they were only good for procreating and raising children.
For long society has considered them the property of men, with no
identity, desires or needs of their own. Especially in the middle
ages, her condition deteriorated considerably and the society was
unconcerned.
Even though reproduction and raising children are the primary
drive of women, they too want to go out and experience the world.
They have talents and qualities that they too would like to develop.
They are intelligent and capable people who would like to take
their own decisions and control their own lives, including decisions
like marriage and children.
Because it is visible, society has for long recognised the oppression
of women and has taken steps to correct it. But the attitudes of
men have not changed significantly, hence not much has been
achieved. Men, on their part, are so insensitive to their own needs,
that they cannot be expected to be sensitive to the needs of women.
Women’s programmes need to stop looking at men as oppressors
and start looking at how men too have been the victims of the
same social mechanism that women suffer from. Men and women
have to work together to subvert the oppressive system. We no
longer need to increase our population, so we have no need for the
oppressive social mechanism of rewards and punishments. We
should now start thinking about redressing the damages. It is high
time to talk about destroying old oppressive mechanisms and build
new institutions suited to today’s ground realities.

Equality an unreasonable goal

“Women who seek equality with men lack ambition” – Timothy Leary
The women’s liberation movement has, at places, diverted from its
basic goal. The modern heterosexual society wants women to be
just like men: doing what men do, behaving like men behave and
being wherever they are.

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 Equality should not mean being the same. It should not deprive
men and women of their separate spaces. Women and men are not
the same. They have been endowed by nature with different
capabilities and aspirations. We should respect this difference and
not try to subvert it through social maneuvers. Every individual
should be able to live up to his or her full potential. The society
should not force him/her to be like the other. They need to respect
each other with their differences. Men who are in touch with their
inner masculinity become sensitive and caring of themselves and
other men, and are also naturally inclined to treat women with
respect.
Perhaps the best social system would be where women decide
on issues regarding women and men decide on issues regarding
men. Otherwise, both will continue to try to subjugate each other,
since their needs differ too much from each other. And then politics,
abuse and exploitation of each other is inevitable. In such a
situation, the third gender/two-spirited people can resume their
natural role of coordinating the relations between the two groups
for proper functioning of society.

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5. Reclaiming and Celebrating Our
Natural Masculinity

“Hanuman forgot his own powers and lost them. He needed someone to remind
him of them” ~ The Ramayana

Boys go through social maneuvering which changes the way they

think, feel and behave. This harms them in the process. We know
that this process starts early in life, from the time a boy is born. By
now most boys reading this would already have gone halfway
through the process and may have lost a significant portion of
their real masculinity. But it is never too late to make amends.
Your natural masculinity is hidden deep within you beneath
layers of social cobwebs, walls and obstacles. You need to remove
these webs and obstacles and break the walls to reach it. You will
find layers of suppressed emotions, needs, desires, pain and hurt
on the way, with which you have to deal. Your natural masculinity
is injured and suffocated. After you find it, you have to carefully
heal and nurture it and bring it out to breathe, but very carefully,
because the outside environment is extremely hostile. It would be
helpful if you do this under proper guidance.
We suggest the following steps for boys to recover their lost
masculinity, then celebrate it and develop it, for the benefit of self
and the society. Before you start these steps, it is assumed that you
understand what natural masculinity is and how society uses male
gender and sexual roles to oppress men.

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Reclaiming masculinity:
1. Reclaiming one’s emotions
2. Accepting and sharing one’s weaknesses and vulnerabilities
3. Creating a safe environment
4. Developing inner strength
5. Conquering one’s ego
6. Giving up fake power
7. Bonding with other boys
8. Healing inner pain and hurt
9. Developing one’s positive masculine qualities
10. Developing one’s physical masculinity
11. Bonding with nature
12. Changing the rules

1. Reclaiming your emotions

“Feeling is the language of the soul.” ~ Neal Donald Walsch
Boys have forgotten to feel. They have been trained in such a way
that they only use their head, and ignore their heart in dealing
with life’s situations. But boys need to get in touch with their
emotions. Because our emotions tell us a lot about who we are
and what we really want. They are our key to real health and
happiness.
Reclaiming our emotions would need practice. You need to
consciously work at recognising your emotions and expressing them.
Don’t try to run away from your emotions or try to ignore or
suppress them. If you are scared, then face it. Understand it.
You don’t have to talk about your emotions to everyone, but
you can at least yourself feel the emotion, and then decide whether
and how you want to express it to others. This way the stress is
almost released. Once you accept your feelings, you can find some

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way to express them when you are alone, if you don’t have anyone
else you can trust them with.
Once you accept and understand your emotions, you will be
able to understand and appreciate yourself better. You will also be
able to accept yourself, as you are, not what society wants you to
be. This brings a unique peace, which is difficult to describe. Plus,
you are also safe socially.

2. Accepting and sharing one’s weaknesses and

vulnerabilities
“I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed” — Jill Zevallos
-Slovak
We are all human. The strongest male in the world is also human
and has weaknesses and vulnerabilities. These weaknesses don’t
make us any less of a man. They are an integral part of our manhood.
Often what we consider our weaknesses, vulnerabilities or even
our ‘unmanly’ aspects are our real strengths, our natural masculinity.
The fake masculinity roles have fooled us by presenting these aspects
to us as our weaknesses. Without accepting these qualities, we
cannot reach our natural masculinity.
When some things are indeed our weaknesses and vulnerabilities,
it is still desirable to accept them, because by rejecting them, we
will be living in a make-believe world. Only when we face up to
them can we take steps to remove them or minimise them. Also,
when taking a decision, we will keep in mind our limitations. This
way, accepting weaknesses can make us more practical.
All your weaknesses have a corresponding strength, of which
these weaknesses are another aspect. When these weaknesses go,
you also lose the corresponding power. This is the principle of yin
and yang. When a weakness troubles you, the best approach may
be to change that weakness into a strength by logging on to its
positive side.

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 Therefore, learn to accept them and share them, at least with
some people. The best people who would be helpful are close friends
who understand you. You also need to open up to others if you
want help in dealing with life’s tricky situations. Accepting
weaknesses will also include accepting one’s femininity.

3. Creating a safe environment

“Participation in a men’s group provides an opportunity to experience support
and validation from other men in a safe environment.”
– Peter Dimock
You cannot really learn to express your emotions or share your
weaknesses when you live in a group full of cutthroat ‘race for
social manhood’ where everyone is looking for the other boy’s
weaknesses so that he can trip him up….. or in a mixed-gender
setting where you have to conceal your real self even more in order
to please the girls.
You have to create your own space, even if it is small, where you
can find some people, especially men, with whom you can be yourself.
This could include close friends, a sibling and even your mother or
father, provided they love you in spite of your weaknesses. The best
person to include in this space would be a very close male friend.
Such relationships need to be worked upon. You need to be
sensitive to other people’s needs too. To understand them and love
them in spite of their weaknesses, and allow them to be themselves
before you. It will help if you stop throwing the male pressures on
other boys in your group.

4. Developing inner strength

“Our strength is often composed of the weakness that we’re damned if we’re
going to show.” – Mignon McLaughlin
Because outer power which includes money, status, girls, etc. is so
valued in men, they spend their entire life pursuing these. In this

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melee, they forget to develop their inner strength, because it
has no social value. But without this, men become hollow from
inside.
Inner strength is very important for true happiness and health.
Find time to develop it. Develop your inner qualities even if they
don’t help in your career, or add to your social masculinity.
Do not suppress those inner needs, which do not tally with
social masculinity. Accept them and try to fulfill them, because
these are the source of your natural masculinity. Outer power is
not permanent, but inner strength, once developed, stays with
you. No one can snatch it from you.
Remember, what is inside is real. Social power is just a show.
Outer power has any real value only when it is achieved using
inner strength.

5. Conquering false ego

“If we leave our own Self, then the ego will manifest itself. If we seek our true
nature, then ego dies.” – Maharishi Bhagwan Ramana
Your false ego will prevent you from reaching your masculinity. It
will also make you weak in resisting social masculinity. Because
this false ego has been created by these very social masculinity
roles so that the fear of it being hurt will keep you enslaved to
these roles.
Conquering your ego would mean, for example, that you are
not afraid of accepting defeat, or accepting that you are wrong
when you realise you are. Don’t be afraid to say you are sorry when
it is deserved. You don’t need to be in control all the time. Don’t
be easily instigated by hollow words.
Conquering your ego does not mean losing your self-respect.
Where ego represents fake social masculinity, self-respect denotes
natural masculinity and is a quality of real men.

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6. Giving up fake social power
“Men have come to see power as a capacity to impose control on others and on
our own unruly emotions.” – Michael Kaufman
After you free yourself of your ego, you have to accomplish another
difficult task. You have to forego fake social power that comes from
fitting into social masculinity roles. You have to give up its
addiction. The dependence on this power is a big weakness of
man. Only after you give up this dependence can you reach your
natural masculinity. Once you develop your natural masculinity,
you can then use its phenomenal energies to become truly powerful.
Society cannot take away this power from you. You will become
absolutely self-dependent.
This task is difficult for weaklings, lesser men and real namards.
Because getting fake outer power is the simplest thing on earth.
Besides, it is addictive. To develop your natural masculinity you
have to move mountains. But if you can do it (there is nothing
that real men would want more), you will be rewarded with true
masculinity.
Giving up fake social power would mean, for example, that from
now on you would not seek girls for their ‘power’ value. Or smoke
to ‘appear’ manly. And several other such things.
This also means that you would stop running in the ‘race for
social manhood’ and not put pressure on other boys. At the same
time, don’t let others pressurise you.
It is advisable to go slow in the beginning. The best practice
would be to stop depending on fake power, but still fooling society
by pretending to fit into social masculinity roles as a social
precaution. This is called leading a double life. Under present hostile
conditions, this works. But you should know that you are just
acting and that eventually you need to break free altogether.
You will have to deal with society more directly some day. Society
will put a lot of pressure on you when you do this. It may even call
you a namard. But if you want to access your real masculinity, you

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will have to fight all this boldly. You know, after all, that these are
just hollow words.
Once you forego your dependence on fake social power, you
will find that a new, unique power will fill you up. Almost like
magic. Something you have never experienced before. It will make
you feel truly masculine, and it will show. This is your natural
masculinity. But you will still need to work on it, for it is injured
and undeveloped. You need to cultivate it and develop it before
you can revel in it.

7. Bonding with other men

“It is only by associating with other men that one can learn to be a man” –
anonymous
Boys need to grow up with other boys in male-only spaces. That is
the only way for a boy to develop positive masculinity. He needs
to learn to relate with other boys without the pressure of having to
‘date’ girls. Girls can’t teach boys masculinity, and when they grow
up, it will be too late to learn. However, when they grow older,
they can still find the right female partner to marry.
Men should keep their male-only groups all their life in order to
rejuvenate their masculinity. This is why all ancient macho traditions
insisted on keeping away from women. A boy needs to learn to share
his innermost feelings with other boys, at least with those close to
him. He should be able to respect other people’s deepest feelings
and fears. Boys show him how to celebrate and revel in masculinity.
This is an extremely important phase of a boy’s life.
An intimate friendship can be very helpful. A friend cares for
your deepest feelings and understands your fears, loves you for
who you are and accepts you totally —— someone with whom
you can be open about yourself. It can change your life.
It is important to stop feeling ashamed about one’s sexual need
for another man, even though it is easier said than done, when
there is such social hostility, stigma, denigration and ridicule of

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such feelings. The trick is to accept such feelings as an integral part
of your natural masculinity — which they are. You should train
yourself to not exercise undue control over such feelings when they
arise mutually in a close bond. You should learn to give the love
that you have in your heart for another man, not conceal it, even
though you may want to hide it from the rest of the world.
Only a man can truly understand and appreciate your natural
masculinity. An intimate friend will inspire you to develop your
inner masculinity and be a companion in life’s highs and lows. Of
course it is mutual, and you’d be equally beneficial for his
masculinity. Natural masculinity grows stronger and more beautiful
nurtured by this mutual relationship. It gives both persons immense
energy and power.
Ultimately, men will be able to destroy the social oppression
mechanism only when they organise themselves. This will happen
hopefully some day in the near future, by reclaiming the power to
bond with each other, like they used to do in the wild.

8. Healing inner wounds

“Love is the key to our healing” – anonymous
On the way to your natural masculinity, you’d come across layers
of suppressed emotions, hurt and pain, which you had been
unmindfully dumping inside. As you unearth them, you need to
deal with them. You need to heal your inner wounds, your inner
self. When your inner self is hurt, your natural masculinity is
hurt too, because your natural masculinity is a part of your inner
self. Healing these wounds will help your natural masculinity
heal itself.
For this, you can seek counselling and practice meditation,
Reiki, yoga, etc. You can also participate in spiritual traditions.
An intimate friendship can be extremely helpful in healing your
inner self.

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9. Developing your positive masculine inner
qualities
“Courage is rightly deemed the first of human qualities . . . because it is the
quality that guarantees all others.” – Winston Churchill
Now that you have a healthy and freely breathing natural
masculinity within you, and hopefully a close friend to support
you, you can develop the positive masculine qualities which will
make you a superior man, an alpha male.
Some of these positive masculine qualities are: Courage, honesty,
fairness, defending the weak, playing by the rules, honour,
reliability, self-control, risk-taking, being a man of words, socially
responsible, being principled, self-respect, politeness, etc.
In contrast, some of the common attributes of social masculinity
are:
Cunningness, meanness, selfishness, cruelty, not playing by the
rules, dishonesty, manipulating, bragging or boasting, exploiting
the weak, bullying, rude, egotistic, unreliable, lack of principles,
etc.

10. Developing your physical masculinity

“There can be no fairer spectacle than that of a man who combines the possession
of moral beauty in his soul, with outward beauty of body” – Plato
It helps to develop your physical masculinity by partaking in things
like martial arts, wrestling, gymnastics, athletics, trekking or rafting
together with other boys. It can give you the much needed
confidence and physical power. It can also help you develop physical
masculine beauty. Today’s society lays stress on bookish education
but ignores such things. You can give these activities importance
and time. You won’t regret it.
The best thing to do would be to get associated with one of the
ancient traditions which are still alive today, e.g. Kalarippayattu,

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 Chhau dance or akharas. Today’s
mixed-gender, anti-male societies
have no place for them, so they
are dying out. But you can still
access them in more traditional
places. These traditions will
develop your physical
masculinity as well as your inner
masculinity. It will instil positive
masculine values in you, which
include a moralistic lifestyle.
The modern temples of (so-
Kallaripayattu, an ancient
martial art from Kerala
called) masculine men – the
modern mixed-gender gyms

A traditional Indian Akhara

(which are more of dating joints) – only make men appear heavy,
but not strong from inside, neither physically, nor mentally or
morally.

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11. Bonding with nature
“…..our future lies in going back to the time when men’s sacred duty was the
preservation of the earth.” – Jed Diamond
When a man gets in touch with the natural masculinity within
him, he automatically develops a respect for the nature outside.
He begins to see himself as a part of the larger nature and hates to
disrupt it. He wants to live in tandem with it. This is how man
was supposed to be in the first place.
There is a deep relationship between the nature within and the
nature outside us. Modern man is unapologetically destroying his
natural environment because he has been removed from his natural
masculinity for centuries. He does not realise that he is part of the
delicate natural system that he is destroying. He does not understand
or respect the nature outside him, just like he does not understand
or respect the nature within him. That is why he calls the destruction
of his environment ‘progress’ or ‘development’.
You can do a number of things to get in touch with nature. You
can reduce use of plastic to a minimum. You can stop wasting gas,
electricity and water. You can start using scooters and cars less and
more of bicycles and public vehicles, or just walk whenever you
can. You can plant trees and protect them. You can look after
animals. You can get involved with environmental groups in your
city that put pressure on the government to protect the
environment.

12. Change the rules, change society

“You have a chance to define a new kind of manhood. . . . . It will be a world
where we can love together, laugh together, and work together without fear and
without judgment; a world of celebration, not a world of accusation and apology
and unexamined assumptions.” – Kent Nerburn
With the power that natural masculinity gives you, you are now
ready to change the rules of social masculinity. Be a man on your

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own terms, not on the whims and fancies of those who don’t know
a thing about manhood. This will make you a free man – as nature
made you – glowing with natural masculinity. A true man who
cannot be unduly manipulated or controlled by society to live a
life full of indignity, suppression and misery.
You will then be looked upon by other men as an ideal. They
will emulate you. They will try to achieve what you have achieved.
That is how we can change the world. At the same time, get united
with other men. That is extremely important. Talk about men’s
rights and issues. Help and support men in need. Understand and
help women in their struggle for their rights. Then only can we
win freedom by destroying the social mechanism of oppression.

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Glossary

1. Sex vs. Gender

a. Sex: Sex refers to the ‘outer sex’, i.e. to the sexual organs of a
person. There are 3 kinds of sexes: (i) Male, (ii) Female, (iii)
Hermaphrodite. Only the first two are recognized by the western
society.
b. Gender: Gender refers to one’s ‘inner sex’, i.e. one’s sense of being
a male or female, irrespective of one’s ‘outer sex’. There are at least
two kinds of genders: (i) masculine, (ii) feminine . A possible
‘third gender’ can be termed as ‘meterosexual’, i.e. a combination
of masculine and feminine.
The west does not recognize Gender as a biological trait.

2. Gender identity vs sexual identity

a. Gender identity: It refers to the identity of an individual which
results from the combination of one’s Sex and Gender. There can
ideally be about 6 gender identities (like in some ancient societies).
In India there are three gender identities, viz. (i) Man, (ii) Woman,
and (iii) Third sex
Gender identity is the basic natural identity of a person, which is
more important than his or her outer sex.
There are no gender identities in the west.
b. Sexual identity: It is a peculiarly modern/ western concept which
identifies an individual on the basis of his ‘sexual orientation’.
‘Sexual orientation’ refers to whether a person claims to be attracted
towards men, women or both. Special developments around sexual
and gender politics in the west, since the medieval times led to the

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 emergence of the concept of ‘sexual identity’ in the modern era.
The concept has several drawbacks. It is still evolving and
widespread confusion persists as to its meaning and scope. One
important drawback is that it does not take into account the
gender identity of people and mixes people of different genders
into a single group. Another drawback is that a lot of sexual/
gender politics defines these identities rather than human nature.
There are 3 kinds of ‘sexual identities’ in the west: (i) Heterosexual,
(ii) Homosexual, (iii) Bisexual.
Indian society, like other traditional cultures has no concept of
‘sexual orientation’ or ‘sexual identity’, although several attempts
have been made recently to introduce them here.
3. Traditional society vs Heterosexual society
a. Traditional society: Traditional society refers to those societies where
social spaces are classified and seggregated on the basis of gender
identities of people. Most of India is still a traditional society,
though parts of it’s urban areas are now heterosexualised.
b. Heterosexual society: Heterosexual societies refer to modern,
affluent societies where the social spaces, values and customs have
been extensively heterosexualised by removing segregation based
on gender. Instead the society is now segregated on the basis of
(claimed) ‘sexual identities’.
4. Heterosexuality vs Homosexuality
a. Heterosexual male: heterosexual’ is a social identity which signifies:
i. a complete sexual allegiance towards women;
ii. a complete sexual repulsion against men.
But it is also used to describe even a partial sexual interest in
women, creating confusion.
There is no heterosexual identity in India and other traditional
countries. A man is believed to be just sexual. It is marriage which
is important not a sexual interest in women.
b. Homosexual male: Homosexual in the west refers to a man who
displays an exclusive sexual interest in men. But in practice it is
often used for anyone who displays even a slight interest in men,
as it is an effective ‘put down’.
In India the term ‘homosexual’ is used in different ways, but

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 mainly refers to a transgendered male — as an English term for
‘third sex’.
5. Transgenderism, Transvestism and Transsexuality:
a. Transgendered male: Transgendered refers to males who are
extremely feminine and who wish to live as women.
Transgenderism is not seen as biological, but is seen as a
psychological abnormality in the west.
b. Transvestite male: It refers to males who wear women’s clothes.
c. Transsexual male: Transsexual is one step ahead of transgender,
and refers to males who want to change their ‘outer sex’ to ‘female’.
This too is seen as a psychological disease, rather than a natural
condition.
6. Hermaphrodites and Intersexed people:
Hermaphrodite: Hermaphrodites are people with ambiguous sex
organs consisting of both male and female organs. Generally one
sex is more pronounced than the other.
Intersexed: Intersexed people are those who may have sexual
organs belonging to one sex, but their internal reproductive organs
may belong to the other sex.
7. Third Sex: Third sex is a gender identity in India which includes
transgendered, transsexual and hermaphrodite people. It includes Hijras, Kotis,
Alis etc.

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