You Don't Need More Willpower...

By Holly Brubach Oprah.com | From the January 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Not being able to change doesn't mean we're lazy, stubborn, or weak. A pair of Harvard educators argue that our best-laid plans often fall through for smart, self-protective (and ingeniously hidden) reasons.
This past fall, 24 people gathered for a workshop at Harvard University, among them members of the university's human resources department, executives from nonprofit institutions, one labor union official, members of a prominent international consulting firm, a high school principal, a teacherand me. We had signed up for the session to better understand why people struggle to make significant changeswhy, for instance, their vows to improve their lives (go to the gym, be nicer, lose 10 pounds, drink less, clean up more, save money) are so often followed, sometimes in a matter of weeks or even days, by utter failure. The workshop is led by clinical psychologist Robert Kegan, PhD, and Lisa Lahey, EdD, experts in adult learning at the Harvard Graduate School of Education. They've spent more than 20 years wondering why it is that people

don't change, studying thosethe fewwho have successfully broken a habit and the many who, despite repeated attempts, can't. Eventually, they arrived at a theory, the premise of which became the title for their new book, Immunity to Change. Their metaphor, invoking the body's exquisite ability to ward off disease and invasion, is apt: Our best efforts to change, the researchers claim, are routinely overwhelmed by forces within us. Kegan and Lahey have spent decades working with small groups of educators who wanted to improve their skills as teachers and administrators. They now shepherd several thousand people a year through the process they've developed. Like their book, these sessions tend to be skewed toward organizations and their leaders, but their method works as well for individuals looking to make changes as it does for executives looking to tweak their management style. Today, under Kegan and Lahey's guidance, our group begins to engage in some supervised soul-searching. They hand us a four-column worksheet that Kegan describes as "a mental map that functions as an X-ray." For the first column, Kegan and Lahey tell us, pick a goal, one that would make a significant difference in our lives. A New Year's resolution, maybe. Or the promise we've been making (and breaking) for years. In the second column, they ask us to list all the ways that we routinely kneecap ourselves. As an example, they bring up a former workshop participanta superstar CEO they call Peter. Focused, disciplined, the co-founder of a multibillion-dollar company, he's the kind of person who decides to lose 10 pounds, does it in a few months, and keeps the weight off for years. But he's been less successful in softening his top-down management approach. In column one of the worksheet, Peter wrote that his goals were to delegate more and become more open to his staff's ideas. In column two, he easily identified how he sabotaged himself: by not seeking out other opinions, cutting off staffers midthought, and not empowering them to make their own decisions. What's striking about Kegan and Lahey's approach is that it recognizes the often good, if poorly understood, reasons for Peter's behavior (and, by extension, our own). Our flat-out failure to bring about the change we desire is not for lack of good intentions. Whatever it is that we resolved to do or to stop doing in the past, they don't doubt that we meant it. While we beat ourselves up over our lack of willpower, our laziness, our weakness, our dark side that wins out time and againKegan and Lahey say those change-resistant behaviors have a very good reason for being.

"What you see as demonic is actually in some ways a very tender expression," says Lahey, "a protection of something you feel vulnerable about." Kegan adds: "The behavior you're trying to extinguish or diminish, let's say, the way you're eating or overeatingyou're only looking at it as bad." But, he says, it's just the tip of the iceberg. "And until you can get below the waterline, you can't see why this behavior is brilliant." What lies underneath the surface is anxiety, which, Kegan and Lahey explain, they have come to appreciate as "the most importantand least understood private emotion in public life." Most of us think of anxiety as panic attacks or stage fright, acute episodes brought on by a big presentation to the boss or some other high-stakes occasion. Or a condition specific to people who were traumatized as children or survived some harrowing event. But Kegan and Lahey see anxiety as our brain's background noise, revving up when we're confronted with something new, unfamiliar, or threatening, and operating most of the time at such a low volume that we don't even hear it. "We all have anxiety, just by virtue of being human," Lahey says. We don't think of ourselves as continually fearful, Kegan says, because we've figured out how to manage this undercurrent of anxietywhether it's our discomfort at meeting new people, our worry when talking to the boss, or our indecision in the jam aisle of the supermarket. "For instance, I may have a deep-running anxiety that you don't think well enough of me," says Kegan. "But I don't live my life every day like I'm walking on eggshells, because I'm very tuned in to what you want or need in order to continue to have a high opinion of me. I use my energy to make sure that I keep delivering what I believe it is that

you want. As a result, I don't feel the anxiety because I'm handling it." At this point in our session, Kegan and Lahey turn the discussion to column three to identify our own buried anxiety. They ask us: What would happen if we stopped the behavior that gets in the way of achieving the goals we've set for ourselves? The room goes quiet. That simple question triggers a litany of potential catastropheswhich turn out to be surprisingly personal. As Kegan and Lahey explain in their book, this is the moment Peter the CEO realized that if he did delegate, he would lose the sense of himself as "the super problem solver, the one who knows best, the one who is in controlyesterday, today, and tomorrow." Peter's mind was in the grip of equal and opposite impulses, prompting him to describe himself as having "one foot on the gas and one foot on the brake." No wonder our attempts to change grind to a halt. Kegan and Lahey give examples of other clients who resort to the same problem behavior, each of them in response to different obscured anxieties. One woman eats too much because she doesn't like the overtly sexual way men respond to her when she's thin. One man binges as a way of accepting the love of his big Italian-American family. Kegan and Lahey are in awe of the ingenuity with which weall of uskeep our lives under control, to make sure that our anxiety is kept at bay and our fears never come true. "And life could just go on that way," Kegan says, "except that the system, this anxiety management system you've built, charges rent. It's costing you something. And what does it cost you? It costs you your goal."

It takes a little time for our group to get to the bottom of the anxiety that motivates each of us. Then Kegan and Lahey lead us through the last step. They urge us to reframe our fears in the context of the "big assumptions" that underlie themideas we take for granted about the way the world works and our place in it. Our parents convey to us their understanding of life, Kegan and Lahey explain, and we often take their opinions as fact. For Peter, the belief that needed to be challenged was: "If I want something done right, I have to do it myself." Kegan and Lahey throw out other examples to our group, assumptions like "If I say no, I'll lose people's friendship and respect" or "If I paid attention to my appetite, I'd never stop eating." We find this section easy to complete. Within ten minutes, each of us lists a number of things we believe to be The Way Things Are. In some instances, Kegan and Lahey say, these fears may prove to be justified. But they usually aren't. For all its intelligence, our psychological immune system is not infallible. Like our physical immune system, it sometimes sounds the alarm in situations when it shouldn't. "When it rejects new material, internal or external to the body, that the body needs to heal itself or to thrive, the immune system can put us in danger," Kegan and Lahey write. "It does not understand that it must alter its code. It does not understand that, ironically, in working to protect us, it is actually putting us at serious risk." Traditional psychotherapy trusts that the truth will set the patient free, that the power of insight will overhaul the behavior you're looking to change. But as any disillusioned analysand can tell you, arriving at some deeper awareness of how you're screwed up doesn't necessarily make you less screwed up. That's why this final step of the process is a little demoralizing. Confronted with the evidence of why our past attempts to change had been doomed to failure, we sit, staring glumly at our X-rays. "This is a perfect system you've created," Kegan tells us, and we have to admit he's right. As much as we want to finally make that New Year's resolution stick, it turns out we are equally committed to another, previously hidden, agenda. So Kegan and Lahey ask us to devise "experiments," starting out small, to test our assumptions. Someone like Peter, who is trying to break a lifelong control habit, might choose to delegate a task that isn't life-or-death to the most capable member of his staff and see what happens. Someone else might decide to say no to a dear friend and see how he or she responds. The man who struggles with his Italian family might commit to 24 hours of eating only when he's hungry and see how it goes. Surviving tests like these, Kegan and Lahey tell us, puts you in a position to question ideas you've understood as universal truths, and with those changes in your mind-set come changes in your behavior. In their years of experience, Kegan and Lahey have seen people make enormous shiftsthey've lost the weight, stuck to the fitness program, learned how to manage their temper, finally cleaned up their office. To our group, this kind of transformation feels daunting, but more promising than another round of New Year's resolutions, that's for sure. For the first time, we understand what we are up againstnot the evil within us but our own

ingenuity, well-meaning but misguided. What a relief that turns out to be. Not a solution but a place to start.

11 Doctor's Appointments to Make in Your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, and Beyond
By Liz Brody Oprah.com | From the January 2003 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Schedule the checkups you know you need plus a few you might not expect.

"The best way to reduce stress is advance planning," says Alice Domar, PhD, director of the Mind/Body Center for Women's Health at Boston IVF and the author of, among other books, Self-Nurture. The LLuminari expertsrecommend scheduling the following appointments for optimal preventive carewith a few caveats: There's disagreement among organizations and doctors (including our own group) about which screenings you should get when. If you have a medical condition or a family history of certain diseases, talk to your doctor about what's right for you.

MEDICAL APPOINTMENTS In your 20s and older: 1. Primary care physician, trained in either family or internal medicine: Once a year (at minimum every other year). Checkup should include reading and fecal occult blood test to screen for problems including gastritis, inflammatory bowel disease, and colon cancer. You should also get a fasting blood sugar test every two years or so to screen for diabetes. 2. Gynecologist: Once a year. Includes Pap smear, pelvic exam, clinical breast exam, and, if you have a new sex partner, screenings for sexually transmitted diseases. If you have more than one sexual partner, you should have a Pap smear and STD tests every six months. 3. Dentist: Every six months for teeth cleaning and oral exam. 4. Dermatologist: If you're fair-skinned or have a family history of skin cancer, you'll want an annual appointment. Otherwise, go if you have any suspicious moles or skin problems. 5. Vaccinations: Make an appointment if: (a) it's time for your tetanus booster (required every ten years); (b) you're not immune to chickenpox (you need the shot if you've never had the disease or the vaccine); you're not immune to measles, mumps, or rubella (if you were born after 1956, you may need to be inoculated for all three, usually in one shot).

In your 30s, add: 6. Cholesterol screening: You need one every five years if your last test was normal. (These tests are often available at health fairs or through your internist.) Some experts say you can wait until your 40s to start unless you're at increased risk for heart disease because of smoking, family history, obesity, high blood pressure, ordiabetes.

In your 40s, add: 7. Mammogram: The rigorous and evidence-based U.S. Preventive Services Task Force has recommended starting annual screenings at 40; other guidelines suggest beginning at 50. Use your intuition and common sense based on your health and family history, and discuss your decision with your doctor. 8. Stress echocardiogram: Get a baseline analysis of how your heart is holding up. 9. Ophthalmologist: Many doctors advise going annually, although others recommend every two to four years until age 65, then annually. The visit should

include an intraocular pressure measurement for glaucoma.

In your 50s and above, add: 10. Colonoscopy: Every five years. 11. Bone density scan: Start routine testing at menopauseearlier if you're small-framed, your weight is very low, you have a mother with osteoporosis, or you've had fractures (other than in a freak accident) after age 45. Some experts recommend waiting until you are 65, unless there are risk factors. And don't forget the men in your life... If he's in his 30s, he should have a cholesterol screening every five years. He should also be getting an annual fecal occult blood test. If he's in his 40s or older, he needs an annual rectal exam and PSA blood test to screen for prostate cancer, and a colonoscopy every five years.

Other important dates:

October 9National Depression Screening Day: If you feel drained and unable to enjoy life, log on to MentalHealth.org to find a local screening site. Third Thursday in Novemberthe Great American Smokeout: Make a big X on that date if you smoke (call 800-ACS-2345 for information). Vacation: Block it out now and start thinking about what you want to do. Hang a photo on your bulletin board of the beach you'll be visiting, get the maps out, do some preparatory reading. The planning and anticipation will prolong your fun. Trouble spots: Circle times you know will be tough (the anniversary of a death, Valentine's Day) and start thinking about how to make these days easier. Look-forward-tos: Make six dates you can't wait fora girls' night out, tickets to a concert series, a romantic getaway. Do-it days: Make six dates when you will spend the day crossing off all the things on your to-do list that never seem to get done. Major occasions: Write down the date when you should start preparing for a big event, not just the date of the event itself (your parents' 50th anniversary, your turn to host Thanksgiving).

Traditions: If there are rituals you loved as a childapple picking in September, caroling in Decemberadd them to your adult life. Plus, find a half hour every day to read a novel or meditate or have sex.

5 Easy Ways to Cut Your Calories in Half

By Liz Brody Oprah.com | From the January 2003 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

The road to a healthy body means sacrificing some deliciousness (but not all).

Getting Started: For one week, keep a food diary: Every time you put something in your mouth, record the time, the food, how much you ate, and how you felt afterward (still hungry, full, satisfied, etc.). Most people don't realize how much they're eating until they write it down.

In an ideal world: A woman eats only when she's hungry. She has no obsessive tendencies toward food. And her diet is 15 to 25 percent protein; 20 to 30 percent fat, of which no more than 10 percent is saturated fat; and 45 to

60 percent vegetables, fruits, and whole grains, with small amounts of white starches like pasta and sugar. Let's get real: That woman is a rare species. So if you're not hitting all the marks, don't beat yourself up; at least you've got a lot of dinner companions. If you tend to feel really guilty when you eat a "bad" food (ice cream, chocolate) and maybe even punish yourself by doubling your workout or skipping dinner that night, Alice Domar, PhD, director of the Mind/Body Center for Women's Health at Boston IVF, suggests trying to develop a kinder attitude toward food for the sake of your mind as well as your body. One strategy is to follow an 80/20 plan of eating. "If 80 percent of what you eat is the really good stuff fruits, whole grainsthe other 20 percent can be the foods you really want," Domar says. "In other words, one Krispy Kreme is nothing to feel guilty about. It's in your 20 percent." Take a step: Domar suggests trying to make one change in your diet this month. That's onenot two or three. The idea is to make that change in increments, each week building on the last, so it's as painless as possible. Pick from the following: If you take cream in your coffee: Week one, switch to whole milk; week two, use 2 percent fat milk; week three, 1 percent; week four, nonfat. To increase your grains: Go from white bread to sourdough or Italian bread, then to fortified bread, then to whole grain bread. If you cook a lot with hamburger, switch from full-fat meat to lower fat, then lean, then mix in some ground turkey, and finally use the turkey with very little or no beef. For ice cream addicts: Switch from your premium scoop to a supermarket brand, then low-fat ice cream or yogurt, then sorbet. Instead of drinking soda: Fill a glass three-quarters full with your favorite juice and the rest seltzer; then mix them half and half, then onequarter juice and three-quarters seltzer, and finally try no-calorie flavored bubbly water.

Finding Your Way to the Place Where Health Meets Happiness

By Rachel Naomi Remen, MD Oprah.com | From the January 2003 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

A doctor's take: Here's how to develop a sense of peace when you're facing uncertain times.

Last week at a breakfast meeting with three healthy women friends who are each more than 20 years younger than I am, I was stunned to watch one of them take a box out of her purse and swallow 10 or 12 capsules and pills of various sizes and colors. Seeing my surprise, the others laughed and told me that they, too, take a handful of pills with their breakfast coffee, among them ginseng, ginkgo, CoQ10, soy concentrate, multivitamins, megaminerals, hormones, and the diet supplement Metabolife. "Health is everything," one of them told me.

But perhaps not. I have a chronic disease as a lifetime companion. I have survived eight major surgeries and several minor ones, and somewhere there is a stack of medical charts with my name on them that is by now taller than I am. Yet everyone at that breakfast table takes more pills every morning than I do. I wonder how we have become so worried about our health and so dependent

on medication to support ourselves. When did life become a disease that we need to prevent? ... Most of us live homeless, in the neighborhood of our true selves. A few years ago, I asked a group of women to prioritize a list of goals according to what was most important to them in their professional lives. The list included such things as approval, love, power, fame, comfort, adventure, friendship, security, respect, influence, kindness, wisdom, meaning, and money. Then I asked these women to prioritize the list of goals according to what was most important to them personally. Of the 300 women who did this, only 10 came up with the same list. Most were stunned to discover that they believed one way and lived in quite another. Their work actually violated their personal values. While we may not know the longterm effects of many of our medical choices, we can all choose to live closer to our true selves than we do. The stress of living divided like this has a far greater impact on our lives and even on our health than not taking the right pill. Our health is important but not as a major focus of our lives. We may just need to care for our physical well-being in 5 simple and commonsense ways: 1. Don't be the first on the block to take a new medication. Wait and see. 2. Eat a good and balanced diet as a source of the vitamins and minerals you really need. The vitamins in food may be far more useful to your body than those you presently buy in bottles. 3. Read before you eat. Avoid foods that have chemicals in them or on them. 4. Pay more attention to your environment, to what you put on your lawn and paint on your walls. 5. Listen to yourself more closely and to the life experience of other women. Respect the wisdom that has helped others to live well. There are many things we can control that make us less vulnerable to illness. None of them comes in a pill. We can learn to understand ourselves better, to know what will fulfill us and to pursue that in large and small ways no matter what others think. We can reach within to find a place of personal truth and live from there. And no matter if we are sick or well, we can learn to live passionately. After 50 years of Crohn's disease, I can now say that perfect health is not the sine qua non of a good life. The wisdom to live well is not about holding on to everything you have at all costs. Living a full and rich life may require us to focus beyond our physical health and learn the direction in which our wholeness liesto take risks and let go of what we have outgrown, over and over again, until all we are following is our own dream of ourselves.

What's Your Real Motivation?

By Liz Brody Oprah.com | From the January 2003 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Discover the key advice that will get you where you want to go.

We all want to be healthier, but why? What's our real purpose? Even the strongest resolve can collapse if you're trying to change for someone elseget thinner for a spouse, quit smoking for a nagging mother, exercise because you're supposed to. "To get motivated in a healthy way, start by asking yourself a series of questions," says Marianne Legato, MD, founder of the Partnership for Gender-Specific Medicine at Columbia University, whose latest book is Why Men Die First: How to Lengthen Your Lifespan. These questions, compiled by Legato and her LLuminari colleagues, may seem difficult to answer at first, but the point is to get you digging down to a place where your intentions become clear. If a question seems particularly intimidating, think of it as a lake whose waters are deep and cold. Dip your toe in, letting your body adjust to the bracing temperature. Then dunk a foot, a leg, until you're all the way in. You may want to write down thoughts or just roll them

over in your mind. Part of this exercise is to remind yourself about what youas opposed to everyone else around youneed in order to feel happy and fulfilled. If you don't make time for what matters to you, how can others value your importance?
1.

Who am I? How do I think of myself? What are my strengths and weaknesses?

2. Who do I want to be? 3. Why am I here? Why am I important? What is my mission? 4. What am I missing? The time to read a book? A close friendship? 5. What's my motivation for wanting to improve my food and exercise habits? If it's to look better, do I expect favorable results to bring love? 6. Am I afraid of making changes or of taking risks (quitting a boring job, getting out of a bad relationship)? Do I fear failure or the responsibility that could come with success? Could I embrace change instead as an adventure? 7. What has stopped me from keeping resolutions in the past? Is the obstacle (or obstacles) still present in my life? If so, how will I navigate it this time? 8. When I'm tempted to wander off track, what could I say to myself, or do, to stick with the original plan? 9. How can I build in support for myself? Ask a friend to be a health buddy? Join a walking club? 10. What am I doing in my life that's hurting me? Smoking? Drinking too much? Letting work interfere with relationships? 11. What are the sources of joy I need to feel whole? 12. Am I happy?

If you don't have the energy to make changes now, ask yourself these questions again in a month or two. And consider that in order to part with what has become habit or routine, you may simply need to take a leap of faith. "So many of us are in jobs we hate or relationships that are stagnant, but we're too paralyzed to change," says surgeon Nancy Snyderman, MD, whose books include Dr. Nancy Snyderman's Guide to Good Health for Women over Forty. "As we age, we stop taking risks."

12 Simple Ways to Have Better Sex

By Liz Brody Oprah.com | From the February 2003 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Who says good sex requires a push-up bra and candlelight? We've got a few new ideas.
Old joke: Having nearly finished creating the universe, God says to Adam and

Eve, "I have two gifts left. The first is the ability to urinate standing up." "Oh, God! Can I have that one?" Adam pleads. Eve just smiles. "Fine," God says, rooting through his bag. "What's left here?... Oh, yes, multiple orgasms." Some women are still thanking their lucky fig leaves. Others, however, may be wishing Eve had gone for the pee advantage. Because, somewhere between Eden and eBay, multiple orgasms have been replaced by multitasking, and amid the dishes, diapers, and company reports, all too many of us look up one day to realize our sexuality has been stuffed into the back of a sock drawer. Sexuality may not be the first thing you think of when tending to your health. But what a great natural source of energy. It's more powerful and lasting than any smoothie or protein bar, not to mention calorie-free. "Sex doesn't always have to be an act of loveit can be a kind of play, a celebration," says LLuminari's Pepper Schwartz, PhD, professor of sociology at the University of Washington in Seattle and the author, most recently, of The Lifetime Love & Sex Quiz Book. Whether you have sex or simply a healthy appetite for it, when that drive is activated, no matter what your age, you feel resilient, vibrant, ready for the rush of life. How to spice it up:

Think like a man for an afternoon: Every time you see a half-decent guy on the street, in an elevator, in a Gap ad, mentally undress him and imagine how great he looks naked. Assume for a dayradical as this thought might bethat your partner is not as critical of your body as you are. "For men there's one goal besides eating: sex," says Mehmet Oz, MD, director of the Cardiovascular Institute at Columbia-Presbyterian Medical Center. "We're very focused. Whether or not you have an extra pound or two, whether or not a nose is crooked, these issues are not first on our minds." Unplug the TV for a week (just do it and see what happens).

work all day, cook, do homework with the children, straighten up, and then feel like having sex. Suggest that if he'd take the kids out for dinner or ice cream one night, you'd probably be more in the mood.
Try this on your partner: Tell him it's really hard to For Valentine's Day, buy yourself a new vibrator (see GoodVibes.com).

Take a shower or bath with your partner. See where it leads. Think back to your courting days. Did you neck during concerts? Talk forever in coffeehouses? Go Rollerblading? Do one of those things again together. Pick a day of the week for you and your partner to come home from work early, and don't use the time to do chores. Call at least once during that same day and flirt. Go away one weekend without the kids. If you can't afford a hotel and a babysitter, switch houses with another couple and take turns caring for each other's children. Try a little change of pace, something sensual: Wear a different color than you normally do, put on cashmere instead of flannel, listen to music instead of the news, burn a scented candle, get a luscious massage. Masturbate at least once this month. If there's any one thing you can do to enjoy sex (aside from getting shipwrecked with an absolute heartthrob), this is it. "Have a glass of wine if you need help getting in the mood," suggests Alice Domar, PhD, director of the Mind/Body Center for Women's Health at Boston IVF and assistant professor at Harvard Medical School.

Foods to Get In the Mood

Since good nutrition feeds into healthy sexuality, try eating more unprocessed whole grainsbrown rice, oats, barley, bulgur, kasha, quinoa. These oftenignored complex carbohydrates contain B vitamins and minerals and are high in fiber, which means you digest them slowly and feel satisfied for a long time. Have oatmeal for breakfast (top it with dried cranberries or raisins and a handful of nuts to make it tastier). Add barley or brown rice to soups. Instead of white rice or potatoes, try cooking up bulgur or couscous. When baking, use whole wheat flour for at least half the flour amount. But if what you're really craving is chocolate... It's an aphrodisiac. It has antioxidants. Who's got the chocolate? Then again, how do we avoid consuming the whole box? A few ways to get your fix without all the fat and sugar usually in attendance: Choose recipes with cocoa powder instead of bars or chips. Try chocolate-covered raisins or coffee beans instead of Kisses or M&M's. Low-fat, low-calorie hot chocolate can pinch-hit for the real thing. Instead of premium chocolate ice cream, have low-fat frozen yogurt or sorbetor mix half and half.

Buy some really good, expensive chocolates and have just one (go on, close the box) after dinner. See if you can make that piece last 15 minutes. If the taste turns into a binge, you may want to stick with nonchocolate candy.

Fourteen Really Good Sex Questions

By Carol Mithers Oprah.com | From the October 2004 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

You'll be glad someone else asked. O finds really good answers.

Can you learn to be passionate about someone if there's no chemistry at first?

If a couple like each other, have fun together, and basically have a good relationship, they shouldn't call it quits if everything is there but the sex. Chemistry can grow if you give yourself permission to learn about yourself as a sexual human being and to communicate your desires. That's probably better than falling for someone in a mad, passionate heat. Because when you realize you don't actually like each other, sex is the first thing to go. And then you have nothing. Sue Johanson, RN, host of Oxygen's Talk Sex with Sue Johanson and author of Sex, Sex, and More Sex(Regan) Can you have a great, long-lasting sex life with the same partner? Absolutelybut you're not going to be having movie-style sex. Movie sex is romantic and passionate: You idealize your partner, you're turned on even before you begin, and you make love every time you're together. In an ongoing relationship, sex is more about intimacy and security, and it's integrated with who you really are. It also doesn't happen as often. Couples who keep their sex lives going develop a style early onwho initiates, how much foreplay is included, do they like taking turns, do they or don't they appreciate quickies. They also consciously make time for sex. The idea that the best sex is spontaneous is a myth. Most long-term couples plan their sexual experiences; it's like going to a showpart of the pleasure is looking forward to it. Sexually satisfied couples also know that sometimes the "show" will be great, and other times it'll be mediocre or worse. You have to be realistic and not panic, thinking this means you're falling out of love or failing as a lover. Healthy, mutually pleasuring sex really helps strengthen the bond between couples. The more you avoid having sex, and the more self-conscious you become about it, the harder it is to get back on track. Barry W. McCarthy, Ph.D., professor of psychology at American University in Washington, D.C., and coauthor of Getting It Right the First Time (Routledge) Are there any taboos left? Talking about sex! Americans probably watch more porn than any nation in the world, but they don't talk about it with their own partners. It's too personal, too private. They're afraid that if they reveal anything about themselves, it will be used against them as a weapon in an argument: "You're a slut, just like your mother." Sue Johanson, RN What's the latest on sex toys? So many people are using them. Vibrators have helped some women have orgasms for the first time, and since women now expect sexual pleasure, it makes sense they would buy sex toys. The Rabbit Habit is the most famous there's a shaft to penetrate, with vibrating pearls that stimulate the opening of the vagina, and two ears that tickle the clitoris. Vibrators also are getting smaller. There's one that slides over a fingertip, so it's easy to incorporate into sex with a partner, and less like having a third party there. Some are stealth

toys, like the Vibra Pena ballpoint with a vibrator on the tip. There's the Stowaway, which comes in a plastic case that makes it look like makeup, to avoid embarrassment with airport security. Every woman should own at least one sex toy. It's like buying a tennis racketyou may not end up playing tennis, but why not try it? Rachel Venning and Claire Cavanah, cofounders of the Toys in Babeland store How do I buy sex products online without anyone finding out? Some Web businesses sell, rent, and exchange customer information. (Toys in Babeland doesn't.) If you want to protect yourself, look for that assurance, and make sure you're dealing with a real businessone that has a phone number, address, and contact information. Our merchandise comes in a plain brown wrapper that says only TIB. But it's probably better not to order from work. If someone checked your Internet history or used spyware, our real name would come up. Rachel Venning and Claire Cavanah What about erotic literature? Until about 20 years ago, there wasn't the kind of female erotica that we have now. The first editor in the Herotica series, Susie Bright, says that in the beginning, getting writers to submit stories was like pulling teeth. It's not like that anymore. I receive huge numbers of submissions every year, from both professional and amateur writers. The books I edit sell really well. I think women read erotica to get in a sexy mood, but they don't get so excited that they masturbate. Erotic literature isn't like male porn. What I pick are storiesthere are characters, purpose. The sex isn't the point. I think that's what women want, the context. I hate to admit it, but I guess we want the love. Marcy Sheiner, editor of the Herotica (Plume; Down There Press) and Best Women's Erotica series (Cleiss) Is there a typical erotic-lit fantasy? In my experience, there are two. One is the multiple partner scenario, in a variety of configurationsespecially introducing a stranger into the mix. The whole idea of bringing someone new and anonymous into your lovemaking, and the urgency of an encounter like that, is really appealing. The other involves dominance and submission. Violet Blue, editor of Taboo and the erotic literature series Sweet Life (both Cleis) Is it true that women are now selling sex aids the way they used to sell Tupperware? At least 10,000 Passion Parties are held each month in private homes. We sell toys and lingerie, but the products that encourage foreplay are the most

popular. These include edible lotion, apple-cinnamon-flavored body powder, and white-chocolate-flavored body pudding. You don't say, "I haven't been satisfied." You say, "How about trying some chocolate pudding?" You communicate in a way that won't hurt his fragile ego. I'm 60, and when I started at this company, I didn't have any idea that these types of products existed. Women are amazed to find out what's available. Right now we do most of our business in California, but we're growing in Wisconsin and parts of the Midwest, and we're very strong across the Bible Belt. I think all women want the same thinglove and romance. Pat Davis, president of Passion Parties With so much information and so many products on the market, are there areas of sexuality that we still don't know about? There's a lot about the chemistry, physiology, and neurology of female sexual response that we still don't understand very well. It's kind of shocking. All our attention has focused on women who manifest too little libido, but I've identified a condition I call persistent sexual arousal syndrome: A woman experiences constant arousal without conscious feelings of desire, which can go on for days, weeks, even months, despite orgasms. We don't know what causes this, and isolated women who've complained about it to doctors have been made fun of or told, "You think that's a problem?" Doctors don't realize that these ongoing sensations are distracting and intrusive. We also haven't paid much attention to the fact that "normal" women's sexual responses differ enormously. Some can have an orgasm simply through fantasy, no touch involved. Others require half an hour of vibratory stimulation, and even then they say their orgasm is muted. We don't know what to attribute these differences to, and until we have an approach that involves physicians, sex therapists, psychologists, and anthropologists who explore cultural differences in sexual expectation, we won't. Sandra Leiblum, Ph.D., director of the Center for Sexual and Relationship Health at the Robert Wood Johnson Medical School in Piscataway, New Jersey, and coauthor of Getting the Sex You Want (Crown) What's the best time to raise delicate sexual issues with a new partner? If it's something like "I have herpes," you tell the person even before you become intimate. When you're alone together, and in a nonsexual moment though preferably not when you're drivingyou say something like "I enjoy being with you, and I have the feeling that this has the makings of a relationship. But before we go any further, there's something I need to tell you, although I'm scared it might affect the way you feel about me." But let's face it, a lot of partners hear herpes and they're out the door. If what you want to talk about is that you most enjoy sex swinging from the chandelier, wait until you've made love a few times. Then you don't say, "I want this because it always works for me." You say, "I have a fantasy that might be fun. Why don't we try it?"

Sue Johanson, RN Do men compare us to the women in porn movies? Most men aren't wishing their partners look like these women. They just wish they were as comfortable with their bodies and with sex. We're a lot harder on ourselves than men. All you need is a body that's soft and smells and tastes good. Keep the lighting low if you like. Find a flowing elegant gown or outfit you feel comfortable in, and forget the elaborate bustier. Not all men are into lingerie, and there's nothing worse than squeezing into some skimpy thing you're bulging out of. Candida Royalle, former adult film star, president of Femme Productions, and author of How to Tell a Naked Man What to Do (Fireside) Is there anything women still don't get about masturbation? There's still the perception that it's "lesser"what you do if you can't get a date. But masturbation is a sexual relationship you have forever. Lovers come and go, but you always have yourself. Masturbation is also a wonderful way to explore your responses. There's no performance anxiety. Nobody else to please. You can let your mind wander, try things out in fantasy, and see what works. It's a way of staying in touch with what makes you hot, and a great way to pass the time. Rachel Venning and Claire Cavanah Can you be happy without sex? As a sex therapist, I can tell you that when a couple who haven't been sexually active suddenly have a good experience, you can see the difference. They come in laughing and talking; there's more physical affection between them. It's better than any therapy session. It would be great if we could package the feeling, although it usually lasts only 24 hours, and you have to do it again. On the other hand, there are women out there who simply don't care very much about sex. And there are more sexless marriages than you'd think relationships that can be bonded, loving, companionable, and devoted. Single women may find that what they most miss is a close relationship, not sex, and they can often find that closeness with friends. That's why women do so well alone.

What's Timing Got to Do with It?

By Amanda Robb Oprah.com | From the February 2006 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

There's a way to pace a relationship so it lasts. We have the step-by-steps.

Once upon a time, falling in love was a remarkably straightforward process. A young man asked a young woman out. If he wanted to date her exclusively, he asked her to go steady. If he was in college and the steady thing was going well, he gave her his fraternity pina symbol, if she chose to wear it, to all the world that they cared very much about each other. Then engagement and marriage. It's not that romance didn't involve moments of heartache and anxiety, but it proceeded along a recognized, accepted, and very clear trajectory that had a powerful momentum toward commitment. One of the problems with contemporary romance, says psychologist Scott Stanley, PhD, cofounder of the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement

Program (PREP) and author of The Power of Commitment, is the absence of those instantly recognizable and often public markers of commitment. It's not that he thinks women today should get pinned, exactly, but without the traditional signposts, couples tend to slide into relationships they haven't thought much about and they each value differently. For instance, you're very touched when he invites you to spend the night. He thinks it's just easier than taking you home. Pretty soon your lease is up and since you're at his place most of the time anyway, you give up your apartment. You think you're preengaged. He thinks you two are saving money. Stanley says he's seen some version of that story countless times during the 25 years he's spent studying relationships. Both men and women can be commitment-phobes, but Stanley believes that contemporary culture makes men especially disinclined to marry. One reason is the soul mate myth. A 2001 study found that 94 percent of young adults expect a soul mate for a life partner. In his experience, women tend to outgrow this fantasy, but a significant number of men say the reason they're not marrying their live-in girlfriend is that they're not sure she's "the one." His research also indicates that men worry that marriage will make women want children sooner and that men associate the institution with a risk of financial loss. So cohabitation gives a man all the benefits of companionship without the risks of marriage. Stanley admits that each partner in a relationship falls in love at a different pace (the premise, in fact, of every romantic movie ever made). So how can couples know if they're doing that inevitable waltz to marriage or if they're in separate romantic universes? Stanley says that the only way to figure it out is to pose a lot of questions. The partner who doesn't want to become more committed should examine her motives. Is she trying to gather more information about the relationship and her partner? Or is it that she knows this isn't "the one" and she's just afraid to be alone? A woman who wants more commitment needs to ask her partner direct questions: "Do you ever want to get married?" "Am I the kind of person you think you want to marry?" "Why not now?" "When?" Protect Yourself by Asking Questions The point isn't to analyze a relationship to death but to get an idea of each person's current feelings, intentions, and plans for the future. "If someone says, 'Yes, I want to be married and I can imagine marrying you, but I don't feel I know you well enough right now' or 'I don't feel like we have the skills to be married yet'those are good answers," says Stanley. "But if he says, 'I don't think I'm the marrying kind' or 'I like you but I can't marry someone who has children/a dog/isn't my religion', she might want to think about protecting herself." It's a lesson that a woman we'll call Ella Jamison learned the hard way. Jamison, 29, a divinity student in Virginia, met Mark Lewis (not his real name) while visiting friends in Seattle in the summer of 2003. They drove to a concert together. "We liked the same music; we shared a similar faith." And they found each other attractive. A few days later, she had to fly home to Virginia. "Mark wasn't into e-mail, so we wrote letters," she says. "It seemed a very cool way to get to know each other, and it was very romantic"so romantic that she invited

Lewis to come live with her family after he finished his bachelor's degree that May. "We'd talked about commitment before he came." Two months later, Lewis asked permission of Jamison's parents to propose to her. They gave him their blessing and her grandmother's engagement ring. "But at the end of the summer, Mark went back to Seattle without asking me to marry himand he kept my grandmother's ring." Clearly, Lewis would be considered a jerk in any epoch, but the romantic cataclysm he and Jamison experienced is especially common in ours, says clinical counselor John Van Epp, PhD, who created the PICK a Partner (Premarital Interpersonal Choices and Knowledge) relationship education program when he saw his single clients repeat the same disastrous mistakes over and over. "They were smart people who were making a lot of progress in therapy," he says, "but when it came to dating, it was as if they had a toolbox full of bad tools." Van Epp realized that his clients were moving through the stages of romantic love in the wrong order. "A woman would come in and gush that she'd been at a party and met the love of her life, or a man would tell me that he was at a bar and found a woman who completes him," Van Epp says. "What they found were people they were very attracted to but who they don't know at all. That's why I developed the RAM." The RAM is Van Epp's Relationship Attachment Model, which includes a diagram that looks like a stereo equalizer and shows you how to tune a relationship by moving the levers up in a specific orderKnowing, Trusting, Relying, Committing, then Touching. Tune Your Relationship "We all have stereotypes and we project them onto peoplefor instance, policemen are responsible," says Van Epp. "But that's not always true. " Van Epp tells his clients that before they get involved emotionally or physically with a man, they need to look past his surface attributes. Does he practice what he preaches in the world? Is he a caring friend? What's his family like? If his relatives are nuts, does he know they're nuts? Once you've got answers to some of those questions, you might trust him with a confidence or opinion or special item. (Though at first, it shouldn't be something too importantlike a grandmother's ring.) As the Trust lever moves up, the Rely lever can inch up, too. Again, Van Epp counsels gradual steps. "Ask someone to water plants before you ask him to feed the dog. And do that before relying on him to pick up your kids," he says. Once someone's proven dependable, Van Epp says it's time to start upping the Touch lever. "Obviously, some people have sex very early in relationshipsthat's a personal decision," says Van Epp. "But the fact is, we're all on our best behavior when we're trying to woo someone. I just advise caution, because sex creates intense feelings of attachment, and real behavior patterns don't start to emerge until after about three months." That's why he recommends the three-month rule instead of the three-date rule. He's not saying you have to wait 90 days before

having sex, necessarilyVan Epp isn't entirely out of touch with the 21stcentury dating world. But he does think couples should wait about that long before having serious conversations about commitment. Jamison thinks her big mistake was trusting and relying on Lewis before she really knew him. "Mark and I hadn't even spent two weeks in the same city before I was planning my future around him," she says. While they were corresponding, Jamison became very ill from infectious diseases she'd picked up while doing humanitarian aid in Kyrgyzstan. "I lost a lot of weight. My skin changed color. By the time he came to live with me, I looked terriblenot at all like the woman he met. I guess Mark couldn't handle my illness and new appearance." Not that Lewis ever said he couldn't handle it. He just hung out with friends instead of her. As Jamison's relationship with Lewis deteriorated, her parents suggested she take Van Epp's PICK Program. The class helped her look at how Lewis might realistically behave in a marriage and to determine that it wasn't the kind of relationship she wanted. After the course, she confronted Lewis about how badly he was treating her. On the phone she asked, "Do you want to stay in this or not?" He didn't, and they ended it. She called, e-mailed, and even consulted a lawyer about getting her grandmother's ring back. Six months after they broke up, his sister finally sent it back to Jamison. These days Jamison handles that crushy feeling a lot better. "A few months ago, I met a really cute guy at a bar and he seemed so sweet," she says. "I could tell he wanted to hook up. But I thought, Let me get through this hormonal haze and figure out who he is. Turns out he'd been with every woman in that bar. He was a total player." Learning that fact before she got involved with him felt like progress to Jamison. Recently, she met someone she's interested in. She says he seems nice, "but I'm taking it one slow step at a time."

The Only Sex Guide You'll Ever Need?

By Liz Brody Oprah.com | From the July 2007 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

O talks to the author of the most helpful and not-embarrassing book on the topic.
You've never read a manual as warm, friendly, liberating, thorough (846 pages), and potentially sex-life-changing as the Guide to Getting It On! O's Liz Brody has a frank conversation with author Paul Joannides.

O: What do you say when you're at a cocktail party and someone asks, "So what do you do?" Paul: I usually say I'm a publisher or an author"psychoanalyst" tends to make people just as uncomfortable as telling them you're a sex book writer. If anyone pries, I'm very adept at changing the subject. O: And your wifehow does she take being married to Mr. Sex Guide? Paul: Toni is a criminal defense attorney, and she helps me with the editing. We've been marriedoh, God, don't you dare say I don't knowI think nine years. When people ask her about the guide, she'll say, "It's just what

Paul wishes sex could be."

O: Best home-tested technique in the book? Paul: I would be a dead man if I went there. O: What's new in sex research? Paul: I read enough scholarly sex articles to euthanize an elephant. [Joannides is on the editorial board of theAmerican Journal of Sexuality Education.] It's frightening how boring researchers can make an exciting subject. Like much of medicine today, sex research is highly dominated by the pharmaceutical industry. One of the great tragedies of our time is that now they're trying to find a Viagra for women, and the latest effort is testosteronethe same hormone they used to give the Olympic athletes from the Soviet bloc. But you wouldn't believe how many women who report low sexual desire are suddenly cured without pills or patcheswhen they find a new partner who wants to talk to them about sex. O: How do you start talking about...er...um... Paul: I don't have a magic answer for opening up in the bedroom. But couples should give themselves permission to admit that they don't have a clue what they're doing. It really takes time to learn what makes another person feel good, no matter how experienced anyone is. O: Cellulite, thighs, buttpanic! Paul: In all the sex surveys we've done on our website, and tons of others I've seen, I don't remember any guys complaining about the size of their partner's rear endor cellulite. By the time a man wants to sleep with you, he finds you attractive. Period. If there's any way to free your energy from that anxiety and put it into having fun with him, believe me, you'll enjoy many more good times ahead. O: What about, "He's not aroused. He's just not that into me." Paul: Get rid of that idea! Women do all sorts of numbers on themselvesand on himif his penis doesn't rise to the occasion. It probably has a lot more to do with what happened at work. Understand that sometimes the penis does what a man wants it to, and sometimes it just doesn't. There are a lot of other ways to please each other, and the two of you can have a fabulous sex life perfecting those. O: What drives one to get into this line of work? Paul: Revenge. Revenge for eight years of strict religious schooling in California's San Joaquin Valley. Also, one doesn't become a psychoanalyst from the happiest of upbringings. My parents were both from San Francisco,

and my father moved them to this farm town. To say that my mother was angry at him for the next 50 years is to put it mildly. O: Credentials, credentials... Paul: When I got to Berkeley in the 1970s, I thought I'd died and gone to heaven. But I vowed that hell would freeze over before I ever went to graduate school. I ended up going for ten years. O: Ten years! You must have a PhD. Paul: You would think. I've supervised doctoral students and I'm a graduate psychoanalyst, which means I can be the training psychoanalyst for psychoanalytic candidates, but instead of writing a dissertation on some hideous psychoanalytic concept such as "An Epistemological Comparison of Projective Identification in the Semiotic Narratives and Intersubjectivity of the Pretraumatized Borderline Patient"seriouslyI wanted to practice and do other things. O: What other things? Paul: I was in Los Angeles and involved in some of the first research on PCP babies; I was also working with teenage prostitutes and gang members. I'd started writing a textbook for kids on the "chemistry of bikinis, skateboard wheels, and surfboards"that was the titlethinking it was a good way to get them excited about science. I was going to do a whole series, including a textbook down the line on sex. But then I was suddenly so broke, I thought, "I'll go ahead and knock out the sex guide." O: Dr. Ruth meets Dr. Drew? Paul: After working on it for months and months, I give it to a friend, a playwright. This is, oh, probably about when the Jurassic phase was coming to a close [early '80s]. She reads it and hands it back to me. "You know," she saysand I'm sitting there thinking, "Wow, she's only highlighted about three sentences in the whole thing, so I guess she really liked it""as women, we're really sick and tired of the great white doctor telling us what does and doesn't work for us. And that's the tone you've got in this dog. Those three sentences I highlighted? That's the tone you need to have." O: So how long did it take to finish the book? Paul: Seven years. And then no publisher would touch it. Nobody. Finally, one company was interested. And I looked at their catalog and the list included The Anarchist Cookbook. It was hard, but I just couldn't be with the same publisher that put out books on how to make bombs. My poor agent was bleeding from the ears. So I borrowed money and started my own publishing company. Now the guide, in its fifth edition, is doing really well. Barnes & Noble is probably our biggest customer, and it's assigned reading in a bunch of college courses; it's even in some medical schools. Right now this is my full-time gig. I haven't seen

patients in three or four years. O: Got to ask: What's the best sex tip ever? Paul: It's such a horrible clich, but the best sex tip in the world is to listen to each other. 4 Tips from the Guide to Getting It On 1. "Couples don't hesitate to get books and magazines on travel, business, and gardeningand they spend time discussing these subjects. That's not always true with sex. You don't need to look at hard-core magazinesconsider something more classy, like a book by a good erotic photographer. Or pick up an anthology of erotic literature and read parts of it to each other. Do what you can to find humor. It helps any discussion that might otherwise be filled with anxiety." 2. "Some people struggle to get fully into their bodies. Some have trouble relaxing enough to enjoy what is being shared with them sexually. Learning to massage and be massaged might help your body put down its armor. If it's anxiety-producing at the beginning, go slowly and try to enjoy the gains you are able to make." 3. "You might consider planning a time and place to get naked together when the sole purpose is not just to have intercourse. A lot of honesty and trust can be generated that way. Some couples enjoy taking each other's clothes off; others have fun playing strip poker or using a blindfold on the partner being undressed. Occasionally, people find it helpful to tell each other some of the things they do and don't like about their bodies. Just getting your fears out in the open usually helps you feel more comfortable." 4. "The exquisite brush-off: Have your man spread his legs, and gently brush his inner thighs, testicles, penis, and abdomen with a soft makeup brush. Making circles around the scrotum can feel especially nice. The sensation can be relaxing and titillating at the same time. Brush his face, back, feet, and hands. If you're lucky, he'll grab the brush and return the favor."

Adventures in Adult Sex Education

By Amanda Robb Oprah.com | From the July 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

It's not what you remember: The lessons are intimate, the homework electrifying.
Nine middle-aged men and women are sitting in a circle in a cluttered, colorful classroom in a church annex in Austin. Judith, the oldest, is an artist, and her long, curly gray hair is piled into a messy halo atop her head. Larry is a gregarious man who works for the U.S. government. Elizabeth, an information technology manager at a local government agency, is an athletic woman, efficient in her movements. Her husband, Eugene, sitting nearby, was raised in Spain and has handsome features and courtly manners. The teacher, Barbara Tuttle, begins class. "Touch one of your hands with the other," she says. "Feel the smoothness and roughness of all the various parts, the places where it's dry or moist." Some of the students close their eyes as

they follow her instructions. Small smiles play on their lips. Tuttle's birdlike mouth breaks into a huge grin. "Congratulations," she says. "You all just masturbated. And in public!" Next Tuttle, a retired sex therapist, asks the students about the experience of mindfully touching themselves: "How did it feel? Was that pleasant?" "It made me wish someone else were touching me," Elizabeth says. "It was just nice to be touched at all," says Judith. So begins the fifth session of Our Whole Lives (OWL): Sexuality Education for Adults, at the First Unitarian Church of Austin. Tonight's class is one of 14 in the seven-month course, which is the result of an initiative of the Unitarian Universalist Association (UUA) and the United Church of Christ (UCC). Since 1998 the institutions have coproduced sex education materials for children ages 5 to 18; as church leadership reexamined the curricula, they noticed a need for age-appropriate material for grown-ups. "We see sexuality as a very important part of the human experience that is lifelong," says Janet Hayes, public relations director for the UUA. "That's why we named our program Our Whole Lives. Your sexuality doesn't end after you stop having babies or get divorced or after you turn 60. It is who we are in our core. We feel it has to be integrated into our spirituality because, for us, spirituality is about wholeness." So in 2008, the churcheswhich together have about 6,600 U.S. congregations and 1.4 million membersintroduced classes for adults 18 to 35. (In the past ten years, it's estimated, more than 40,000 children, young adults, and adults have taken at least one OWL class.) Michael Tino, a Unitarian Universalist minister with a PhD in cell biology, cowrote the young adult OWL curriculum and understands why the adult classes have proved popular. "You can have the best high school sexuality curriculum in the world," he says, "but a lot of critical issues are not going to be addressed in those classes: How do I enjoy my sexuality if I've lost a breast to cancer? How do I manage being a parent and a sexual person? Can I feel sexually satisfied if I don't have a life partner?" There's one simple reason those questions aren't tackled, Tino says. "Teenagers don't have them yet. Most of what affects our sexuality happens in adulthoodlong-term relationships, breakups, parenthood, illness, sheer exhaustion from managing life." Although the courses the churches prepared were aimed at adults in their 20s to early 30s, to the organizers' surprise, middle-aged parishioners have stampeded the discussion-based program. Students in tonight's class, for instance, are in their late 40s to mid-60s. After wrapping up the discussion about self-touch, during which Tuttle encourages students to "think about sensuality broadly and not shut off the pleasure of getting to know the whole body," she and her coteacher, Michael West, an economic development project manager in the Texas A&M University system, explain the next exercise: a sexuality timeline. (OWL facilitators are trained over three days, and the program is typically team taught, usually by a

woman and a man.) Thirty feet of newsprint is rolled out across two long tables. Red and black pens are placed on each table. The men are assigned one sheet; the women, the other. The students are asked to write down sexual experiences in chronological order, using the black pen for those that were in their control (such as a first kiss) and the red pen for those that were not (such as getting their first period). The women are a flurry of activity, practically tripping over each other to scribble"played doctor," "found a pubic hair," "menstruation," "kissed a boy," "kissed a girl," "touched by a cousin," "fell in love," "lost my virginity," "had an abortion," "had a baby," "breasts sagging," "menopause," "discovered sex without love." The men look on and appear intimidated. Finally, Eugene picks up a pen and writes down "first time had sex." The other men slowly begin to join in. Together they manage to write: "accidentally masturbated," "masturbated," "first time had sex," "prostate," and "Viagra." Tuttle calls time and invites the students to look at the timelines. "What comes up?" she asks. Judith says the exercise made her realize that one huge thing she can't control about her sexuality is her fading looks. "Like, I'm still looking at 40-year-old men," Judith says, "but they're not looking back." A few of the other women agree. Elizabeth stares at them as if they're insane. "I love being middle-aged," she says. The women return her you're-out-of-your-mind look, so she explains: "When I was young, I'd see these older women and they just seemed as if they had confidence and were wiseand more comfortable in their skin. I'm much more comfortable in my skin today than I was at 30, 25, 20, and definitely 15." "How?" asks Judith. Elizabeth thinks for a minute. "I didn't get any mileage out of being cute when I was young. Maybe that's the positive side of not being cute or flirty at 20when you don't get that attention at 45, you haven't lost anything." A little later, Judith admits that she can think of a few good things that result from getting older. "My husband of 13 years always accused me of being frigid because I never had an orgasm with him," she says. "After we split up, I definitely learned I wasn't frigid. Which was a relief. Which was fun." The women marvel that virtually all of them have had distressful sexual experiences. One says her sex life was "messy," explaining that she means nonlinear. "I was always a little ashamed because I didn't do the perfect progression of first kiss, go steady, first love, first sex," she says. "It's nice to see that all the women were a little out of order." She turns to the men and asks if they ever felt that way. One says men don't think about sex in those terms. "Especially for young men, sex is very goal

oriented," he says. "Get a kiss, get a girlfriend, get laid." Larry agrees. In fact, he later explains, that's why he signed up for the course with his wife of 15 years. "We're past the Kama Sutra part of life," Larry says. "You want toyou need tobroaden the definition of sex. Like the other night, my wife was singing to me, and I said, 'Oh, you're making love to me.'" One of the first pilot classes for the OWL program took place in Boston three years ago. Several of the participants say that the course lessons were not only useful but surprising. Sylvie*, a 35-year-old medical counselor, signed up for the class after seeing it advertised in the church bulletin. Speaking from her home near Boston, she explains that she'd always felt fortunate to have what she considered healthy feelings about her sexuality. "My dad was a general practitioner and my mom was a counselor, and they were very open with my brother and me growing up," she says. Her parents didn't shy away from explaining things, and kept books like Our Bodies, Ourselves and The Joy of Sex in the house. But in 2005, Sylvie and her husband began struggling with infertility. "It took all the joy out of sex," Sylvie says now. "We were always trying to get pregnant." So she signed up, with the hope of refiling sex under "pleasure" instead of "work" in her brain. The first few workshops turned out to be exactly what Sylvie was looking for. Jane Detwiler, a certified sexuality educator, and her cofacilitator led the group through "anatomy of pleasure" and "understanding sexual response" exercises. Contacted recently at her office, Detwiler says many people learn about the reproductive capacity of sexual organs in traditional sex ed, but not the "pleasure capacity." She says that despite the sexualization of our culture, many of her students don't know what normal genitals look like, and she has discovered that loads of women worry that theirs are abnormal or ugly. In Sylvie's class, Detwiler used diagrams and photographs to explain that the truth is, of course, that there's a variety of "normal," as wide ranging as human faces. Her students also discussed the parts of the body besides the genitals that are wired for sexual responseskin, lips, breasts, nipples, tongue, hands, brain. Then Detwiler pulled out a model of a penis and the "Wondrous Vulva Puppet." She had labels ready (clitoris, perineum, vagina, glans, PC muscle) and asked volunteers to place them correctly. As students moved through the lesson, they talked about how the different parts contribute to pleasure. Next, the instructors asked the students to compare the Masters and Johnson linear model of sexual responseexcitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolutionto a circular model of mutual pleasure. To explain the idea, Detwiler drew a large circle on newsprint and asked students to think of all sorts of sexy, fun activities and list them around the circle. The students came up with "caress, oral sex, kiss, massage, lubrication, talking, fondling, phone sex, kiss again, snuggle." In a circular model, Detwiler pointed out, partners can start or stop sensual activity anytime they want, and the activities don't necessarily lead to orgasm. Sylvie says that some students thought that type of sex would be an exercise in frustration, but others said they could imagine times in their lives when those

options would workwhen they were not ready to have sex with a new partner, when they were too tired to have intercourse with their current partner, when they were trying to liven things up with a longtime lover. After most classes, Sylvie came home and described what she had learned to her husband (who did not attend, because the course was something she wanted to do on her own). "Oh, you know," she'd say at the end of each night's summary, "that reminds me. Let's have sex just for fun." Then a few sessions later came the "values voting" game. During this exercise, the instructors asked the class to envision a line on the floor, with one end representing "I strongly agree" and the opposite end signaling "I strongly disagree." Then Detwiler read statements, directing students to stand on the line in a position that represented their values. Detwiler called out things like "It is more fulfilling to be free of commitment than committed" and "If I made vows to my partner during a marriage or commitment ceremony, I would stick to them no matter what." Each person explained why they stood where they did and moved if someone said something to change their mind. About midway through the game, Detwiler said: "Viewing pornography is not healthy." Sylvie stepped to a place she considered completely noncontroversial. The "sort of agree" spot on the line. "I'd gone to very progressive summer camps when I was a teenager, and a lot of my counselors were strong feminists," she says. "I guess I'd just gotten the message that pornography was exploitative of women." Sylvie did not boycott newsstands that carried Playboy or refuse to stay in hotels that offer adult pay-per-view. She didn't consider herself an extremist, so she figured she'd have plenty of company at her spot. She was amazed to see that most of her classmateseach a very likable, notperverse-seeming person, in Sylvie's opinionwere in the "sort of disagree" to "strongly disagree" part of the line. They explained that yes, pornography could be exploitative, but it could also be a safe form of fantasy. Sylvie went home and told her husband the news. "The porn I have is on my computer," he said. For the second time that evening, Sylvie says, she was shocked. Her husband said that he looked at it every few weeks; she asked if he could show it to her. He did. Sylvie was surprised to find some of it turned her on. "I thought married men who look at pornography must be unhappy with their spouses," Sylvie says. "But my husband said, 'No, sometimes when I feel like being sexual I just feel like being alone.' And I thought about that. And I thought, 'Well, sometimes when I want to be sexual I want to be alone, too. For me, that doesn't involve porn, but if it does for him, so be it.'" Over the next few weeks, as she discussed the subject more with her husband and her classmates, her opinion changed. "My parents had told us that smoking

was bad," she says. "So my brother came to think that people who smoked were bad. I did a similar thing with pornography. I still don't think pornography is a great thing for women, but now I don't think people who look at it necessarily want to exploit them." Another member of this pilot class, Kim, then 35, had been happily married for more than a decade; she had even taught the OWL classes to middle school students for three years. "I was functioning well," she says, on the phone from Framingham, Massachusetts. "But deep down, I still had some weird, mixed-up feelings about sex left over from my childhood." Her parents had divorced when she was 3. "Afterward my mother was very free with her sexuality," Kim remembers. "I would hear a lot, and the sounds scared and confused me. I'd say, 'Mom, what are you doing?' She'd say, 'Kissing.' Well, I knew that wasn't it. I signed up for the adult OWL course to keep peeling back the layers, to keep getting better, healthier, happier." The early sessions confirmed for her that she needed to deal with free-floating shame around her sexuality. In the same workshop that featured the "anatomy of pleasure" exercise (identifying body parts), the instructors led them through the "pleasure pinwheel" game. In this lesson, students arrange themselves in two concentric circles, with each person in the inner ring facing a partner in the outer ring. One of the instructors asks questions regarding the messages students have received about sexual pleasure from their parents, schools, peers, and lovers. The students have one minute to give their answer to the person facing them; then the outer circle shifts one place. By the end of the exercise, Kim had a better sense of the messages she'd received throughout her lifemany dating to childhoodand she began to see that the ones that made her feel the worst related to her libido, which was stronger than her husband's. "There wasn't one moment in the class when I said, 'Wow, amazing, I'm okay, and [my classmates] are okay about my wanting to have sex more often than my spouse,'" Kim says. "But gradually, over 14 sessions, talking and talking and talking about how weird and wildly varied sexuality is for people, you get to feeling more and more normal yourself." "Often the question behind a question in sexuality education," Detwiler says, "is 'Am I normal?'" Although the unitarian universalist and UCC churches are among the leading organizations promoting adult sex education, they aren't alone. The U.S. government is in the field, too. In 2005 Congress passed an act that provides $150 million annually for healthy marriage and responsible fatherhood initiatives. So far the government has paid to educate more than 290,000 Americans on the how-tos of building and maintaining relationships. One popular program that receives federal funding is a course called It's All About M.E. (Marriage Education), which is given in hospitals and community centers, as well as at the army base at Fort Bragg, North Carolina. The eight-hour curriculum was a product of WAIT Training, a 17-year-old Colorado-based nonprofit founded by Joneen Mackenzie, RN.

Mackenzie believes that the best and healthiest place for sex is a committed, long-term monogamous relationship, but she agrees with the UUA and UCC churches that sexuality educationespecially for adultsis generally less about plumbing than about emotional issues. Because It's All About M.E. courses encourage young adults to wait until marriage to have sex, much of the training is focused on relationship skills. For instance, participants learn the program's ten keys to successful dating (such as get a life of your own, take it slow, set clear boundaries, engage in healthy responses to conflict, and choose a partner who makes you feel affirmed, inspired, and challenged to be a better person). But they do discuss sexual relationships. It's All About M.E. instructors ask students to reflect on what has influenced their view of sexuality and then offer exercises to help the students imagine alternative ways of being intimate. For example, in a lesson called Steps of (Physical) Intimacy, students arrange types of contacteye-to-eye, hand-to-hand, hand-to-waist, face-to-face, French kissing, touching above the waist, etc.from the least to the most intimate. They discuss the physical, intellectual, social, spiritual, and financial consequences of doing the steps too quickly or out of order. Mackenzie says the All About M.E. curriculum includes sex education because couples who have satisfying sex lives have stronger, healthier marriages. "When you're talking about adult relationships," she says, "you're talking about sexuality, and when you're talking about sexuality, you're talking about adult relationships." Jessica, 23, who works for a nonprofit in Denver, had attended WAIT Training abstinence workshops in college. When she and her boyfriend got engaged last year, she volunteered to attend the group's pilot program for marriage education. She says it gave them the tools for a happy sex life (both had chosen to be abstinent until marriage). One hugely important concept they took from the course was discussing sexual issues in nonsexual moments. The idea is to make a potentially fraught conversation less emotional, less likely to hurt feelings. Jessica and her husband have these talks anywhere but the bedroom. "We talk about what we're comfortable doing or not," she says. "How often we want to have sex. What time of day. What feels good and what doesn't." Jessica thinks the class gave them the skills to deal with conflict before they found themselves tangled up in an argument, as well as a means to explore their sexual desires in a way that felt comfortable. "Knowing how to communicate is empowering," she says. Back in Austin after the OWL class, a group of students settle in at a nearby diner to discuss the value of the course. "It hasn't solved all my sex problems," says Judith, the lone single student. "It's still very hard to find older guys who don't have a truck full of baggage with them. But it's been nice to have a place to talk honestly about things that are never talked about. Like how after a certain age you're not touched anymore. Certainly not lovingly. It's just 'Excuse me' if someone bumps into you at the grocery store. It's been nice to talk about my needs and have them taken seriously." This is why the courses are so popular, says Elizabeth, the happy-to-be-middleaged student. "There's those almost pornographic women in Sex and the City. There's a Victoria's Secret in nearly every mall." The other women at the

table nod in commiseration. "So many TV shows revolve around some sex problemsomeone cheats, someone wants someone he can't have. But no one ever talks about sex in a meaningful way. It's always innuendo. It is always pretending to be about something else," Elizabeth says. Now the men are nodding. "Sexuality is this thing you carry around all the time. It grows and changesit's part of your health and relationships and your age and your selfimage, but our culture likes to talk about it in this really silly, trivial way," she says. "Peopleespecially grown-upsare sick of it. We want adult conversation about an adult subject." Her husband, Eugene, gives her a smile, then raises his hand to the waiter and orders another round of drinks.

Damn, I'm Hot: Instructions on Seduction

By Martha Beck Oprah.com | From the September 2007 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Feeling wallflowerish? Martha Beck has strategies to help you strut your stuff.

We'd been waiting 30 minutes for someone to take our order in a busy Mexican restaurant when my friend Cathy decided to take extreme measures. "Watch this," she whispered. Then she tugged the clip from her hair, opened a collar button, and tossed her head like a frolicking foal. Almost magically, she went from being simply beautiful to what is referred to in the vernacular as "like, totally hot." Three waiters rushed our table like linebackers. Cathy fluttered her lashes at one, cooing, "Hon, could we order now?" It was a virtuoso performance of attraction in action. For me, this was like watching documentary footage about something ("Mating Behavior Among Bipedal Primates of the American Southwest") that I've never personally experienced. It's not that I totally lack skills like Cathy's. She can toss her head and attract men; I canto cite just one exampletoss fried chicken and attract cats. But I could never use feminine wiles the way Cathy can. I'm not sure I've ever had a single wile. I used to enjoy pitying myself for this, until one day I realized that everyone for whom I've felt genuine sexual interest eventually expressed reciprocal interest in me. While shortchanging me compared with Cathy, Mother Nature still provided me with the instinctive ability to make the connections I really wanted. Now, if you have Gisele Bndchen problems (your Manolo Blahniks keep skidding in puddles of drool left by lustful admirers), please turn directly to an underwear ad and enjoy the company of other genetically blessed people like you. This column contains instructions on seduction for the rest of us. Flirtation 101: What to do if it doesn't come naturally Scientists tell us that females of all cultures make sexual connections through sequences of specific flirting behaviors. The ethologist Irenus Eibl-Eibesfeldt captured this on film some 30 years ago, with a camera that appeared to point in one direction while actually shooting in another. He found that women of all languages, classes and religious backgrounds attracted men through the same gestures. This was further documented by psychologists who spent months scientifically lurking around in lounges, watching couples hook up. AsPsychology Today's contributor Joann Ellison Rodgers described the flirtation ritual: "Women smiled, gazed, swayed, giggled, licked their lips and aided and abetted by the wearing of high heels; they swayed their backs, forcing their buttocks to tilt out and up and their chests to thrust forward." In researching this article, I recently tried enacting these behaviors in a local Starbucks. Sure enough, I attracted immediate male attention: An elderly gentleman asked me if I needed medical help. The answer was yes. I think I ruptured something. The bottom line (pardon the pun) is that buttock tilting and back swaying come about as naturally to me as spaceflight. Though flirting is supposedly wired into our brains, my brain appears to have shorted out in regard to giggling and licking my lips. And yet even I have stumbled upon a set of seductive behaviors that work surprisingly well for me. If you share my chronic back spasms and total lack of sexual self-confidence, you too might find them useful. Step 1: Identify a specific person with whom you really, truly want to have sex

After our waiter spilled all over himself serving Cathy her enchiladas, I asked her what it felt like to exercise such awesome sexual control. "It's not that great," she said with a sigh. "In fact, it can get lonely. You have to learn to get past casual sex and create lasting relationships, and that isn't easy." I stared at her. She might as well have asked me how you get past calculus to create a mud pie. I associate the word casual with khaki pants, not carnal pants. Why? Because for some reason, I just can't help indulging in forethought before getting to foreplay. This isn't true for most people: Sexual signals usually zip right past the rational brain, because as Rodgers puts it, if two people "immediately considered all the possible risks and vulnerabilities they might face if they mated or had children, they'd run screaming from the room." Now, that I can understand. To actually have sex, I must be not only in love but also in full legal possession of the other party's medical records. The advantage of this approach is that what you miss in casual thrills, you gain in long-term compatibility. That initial spark of interest leads not to the nearest motel room but to the prolonged scrutiny you would give an unrecognizable substance before deciding to include it in a cake. If you consistently wake up next to people you no longer respect, try doing deliberately what I do involuntarily: Hold in your mind a vivid picture of a genital wart. (The Internet provides plenty, and I am here to tell you, they're the opposite of pornographic.) Superimpose this image over the dashing smile of that cute guy at the bar. This should give you pausea pause you can use to investigate whether the dashing smile is backed up by kindness, humor, honesty, and other qualities you probably want in a mate. If you do this, you're on the verge of discovering something amazing: Simple, sustained attention can be more powerfully seductive than all the eyelashfluttering, tongue-flicking, back-swaying displays that make men want to fondle the likes of Cathy and prescribe seizure medication for the likes of me. Step 2: Lust for the other person's subjective experience Here is the secret of sexual success for the confidence impaired: While people will decide to have casual sex with you based on how you look, they'll decide to have meaningful sex with you based on how you see. The reason I've managed to make the connections I desired is that I'm fascinated by people's stories. Beneath the small-talk surface, every life is a fascinating novel, so I always follow the suggestion from Proverbs 4:7, "With all thy getting get understanding." This directive means stand under, in the relatively lowly position of student, and let whomever we're trying to understand occupy the high ground of teacher. Andthis is keythe body language we use to do this overlaps significantly with the biology of flirting. Anthropologist David Givens, author of the book Love Signals: A Practical Field Guide to the Body Language of Courtship, says that a crucial sexual-attraction message is "I am harmless." We communicate this with "submissive displays,"

such as turning our hands palm up, tilting our heads, exposing our vulnerable necks. A tilted-head half-shrug is typical of sexually attracted people having their first conversation. It's also a posture you'll unconsciously assume when you're trying to understand another person's experience. I suspect this is a major reason so many clients fall in love with their therapists: The counselor who tilts her head while gazing quizzically at a patient, trying to see into his soul, may unwittingly be signaling that she'd also like to see into his pants. Throughout my adolescence, I had terrifying encounters with innocent, wellmeaning boys who interpreted my intense curiosity as sexual interest. A handful told me in so many words that, despite my obvious flaws, they had decided to accept me as a mate. In this way I learned that detached, genuine interest in another person's inner experience is, if anything, more seductive than the hair flips I will never master. This realization was almost worth the time I spent hiding behind trees and under staircases to avoid those poor misguided fellows. Step 3: Get a Life Speaking of watching people, reality television provides an interesting barometer to indicate which behaviors humans find most fascinating. Some programs, like The Bachelor, have no real point except to show gorgeous individuals attracting or rejecting one another. Personally, I find them marginally less interesting than having my teeth cleaned. I favor reality shows in which people do things that require skill, talent, or daring: crab fishing, singing, clothing design, Latin dance. The popularity of these shows suggests I'm not the only person tuning in. Generally, the harder the participants have to work, the more interesting the process. Even when cameras aren't rolling, people love to watch others work hard, learn skills, and take risks. Remember the old Peanuts cartoons in which Lucy mooned endlessly over Schroeder, whose only interest was the piano? That stereotype is based in truth: People who are mastering something that fascinates them become fascinating to others. If you want to capture people's attention, put your own attention on something that has nothing to do with them: oil painting, cooking, wildlife rescue. The more you get lost in what you're doing, the more interesting you'll become. Best Practices: The one-two-three-punch combination If you use the three steps above in quick succession, you'll become an attention magnet. It's like a trick move in martial arts: Target your person of interest, focus entirely on them, then abruptly divert your attention. Pow, pow, pow! These steps allow any flirtatiously challenged person to bypass the whole complicated, alarming world of sexual tension and attraction among normal people. You can do the dance of seduction without even meaning tosimply by letting yourself be openly drawn to people, their stories, and your own deepest fascinations. That's all you'll ever need to get what you desire. Unless what you desire is quick Mexican food. In that case, you might want to call Cathy.

A Shy Girl's Guide to Sex

By Anonymous Oprah.com | From the February 2003 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

It's not that she doesn't like sex; it's just that she prefers subtlety, indirection, holding off. A shy girl gets hot and heavy about her sex life.

I am not a prude. I like sex. But I would never say that to your face, and I'm actually cringing here at my computer at the thought that somebody could walk in... Well, you see where I'm heading. My own sexuality embarrasses me. When I was a young teenager, my mother used to tell me that the world was divided into breast men and leg men, and that I would attract the leg men. I don't remember being upset. Or pleased. I remember thinking, Well, that's it for shorts. In college I wore flowing, ankle-length skirts and beginning in my 30s, long pants. I'm the only person I know who can imagine adding a burqa to my wardrobe. I never want to be obvious, so when I'm feeling sexy I try to hide it to the point where my husband can't always tell that I'm turned on; he once asked if I'd consider holding up a sign. Okay, so I'm a little shy. That wouldn't have seemed so strange 50 years ago, when Victoria still had secrets, a kiss was still a kiss rather than an IOU, and holding back was still a viable sexual strategy. Today you're supposed to tell your partner exactly what will satisfy you. ("Excuse me, could you pass the multiple orgasms?") The very thought of it makes me blush.

Please don't get me wrong: I admire a woman who is sexually confident. I love it when movie stars strut and preennot Gwyneth Paltrow bending like a willow, but Catherine Zeta-Jones leading with her chest. If you show up in four-inch heels and a see-through dress, I'll think you're hot. But I'll be more intrigued by the woman next to you who smolders quietly. In grad school my Victorian literature professor read us a scene in which a woman rolled up her sleeve, revealing to her suitor a seductive white arm. I thought the professor would faint, and who could blame him? When the boy I was dating brought over his favorite hard-core porno books for me to learn from, I put them aside in favor of A Man with a Maid, in which the innocent virgin is outraged by her captor's lewd behavior. Of course I got bored as soon as the lady became a libertine. I liked the Kama Sutra because it made sex seem ornate, exotic; words like penis and vagina were clinical, but lingam and yoni came (so to speak) with a little mystery. Sex toysalways gifts from men who wanted to make me less inhibitedwent to a top shelf and stayed there. Only last week my husband reached for something on the top of a wardrobe and came back with an ancient vibrator. Did I want to dust it off and try it? What do you think? Sometimes I break through my shyness. Sometimes the sun shines in Seattle. More often, though, I accept the way I am and work around it because, to tell you the truth, I really don't want to change. I don't want to be more aggressive. I don't want to turn myself on. Pick up any sex manual (something I'd never do in publicwhat would the bookstore clerk think?) and you'll find instructions on learning to love your own body. Asks one guide, "When was the last time you took a good look at your vulva?" Um, never? The idea of lying on my back, spreading my legs like a frog, and inspecting myself through a hand mirror has always seemed ludicrous to me. I don't have to look to know what's there, and if you tell me it's as lovely as a lotus flower, I won't believe you. (I wouldn't enter the penis in a beauty contest, either.) To quote the old Volkswagen ads, "It's ugly, but it works." I guess getting naked can be fun, but I'd rather keep my body under wraps. I don't mind being secretly sensuous, the woman who lets down her hair when she wants to and afterward pins it right back up again. And if I'm buttoned up in bed, that's not indifference: That's being so turned on that I don't know what to doyet. But I'm in no hurry. If I did hold up a sign (well, dear, you asked), it would say: GIVE ME TIME, AND SPACE. HOLD BACK A LITTLE, MAKE ME GO AFTER YOU. When a shy girl and a shy guy get together, anything can happen.

Sexual Energy: Feel the Heat

By Amy Bloom Oprah.com | From the July 2003 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Catherine Zeta-Jones's take-no-prisoners oomph. George Clooney's let's-do-it eyes. Hugh Grant's crooked smile. Halle Berry's everything. n It's exhausting to think that we have to measure up to all that exceptional, multimagnified sex appeal. All of it so inaccessible, so expensive (what, no stylist? no trainer? no designer?), and so frankly impossible. Any sensible woman would conclude that you might as well pull up your faded comforter, grab some chocolate, and give up the idea of anybody ever finding you irresistible. Please don't. Please consider that being irresistible is more a matter of interest and appetite than of anything else. You can forget about becoming everyone's physical ideal. Everyone has their preferences, their weaknesses, and even their hang-ups (even this author). There's nothing you can do about that. If he's mad for tall blondes and you're a short brunette, don't rush out for Clairol and three-inch heels. There's a better way. And forget about miniskirts (unless they look not only good but effortless on you). Forget about Are You Hot? and Lil' Kim and cleavage-to-there magazine covers; that stuff works only if you have all the equipment and not too much self-respect, and really, only if you have all the equipment. And if you do, you will of course wind up spending time with a guy who prefers the all-you-can-eat buffet to the great gourmet meal, and that might not be so much fun. But...irresistible is something else. It transcends the physical (not that the physical ever hurtsand your mother didn't lie; good posture is a plus), it plays fast and loose with the psychological, and it makes the world a bigger, more entertaining, more filled-with-possibilities place.

I have had two irresistible friends. One was a fat old man with plenty of minor illnesses, and despite qualities one and two, I can't count the number of times I had to push past attractive women of all ages to get to him. He wasn't rich, he wasn't powerful, but he had, to paraphrase Oscar Wilde, nothing to declare but his genius for making every woman feel she was a hidden treasure. He listened, he flirted, he responded openly; he made married women feel that he envied their husbands and that only magnificent self-restraint kept him from throwing himself at their feet; he made single women feel that if he didn't so love his wife, he would make a fool of himself. Even when he was single, he managed to suggest, when flirting, that although there were some obvious, insurmountable impediments to true happiness for him and his current dinner partner/companion on the plane/ chance encounter in the bookstore, this moment, this hour or two, would always be one of the great pleasures of his life. He was unafraid to show interest, and even more, he was willing to show desire. He was willing to reveal that he was...willing. It was not a power struggle or a game or any kind of exploitation; it was a beautiful, charming dance, and it made his partners (whether for the evening or a long friendship) feel that they had been given a gift, however they chose to respond. My other friend was only slightly more likely a player: a stocky, singularly unglamorous lesbian bartender. Like my older friend (and I'm sorry they didn't meet, but where would that have left me?), she understood that Venus, as Ovid wrote, favors the bold. She not only understood it, she had it made into a sampler hung above her enormously successful bar. And how did she come to own that bar? A devoted husband and wife, objects of her flirtatious affection and staunch friendship, bought it for her and, after spending $30,000, still felt they got the better end of the bargain because they had a great place to hang out and plenty of time to spend with her. She made men, gay and straight, feel that the only time she ever regretted being a lesbian was in their presence. She made old folks know she valued their wisdom and that it was a joy, at the end of a day, to move at a slower pace; she made young people feel they were the flowers of the world and she was delighted to admire them. And womenshe made every woman she liked, gay and straight, feel that her presence was a joy, a brightening of the world. Her face lit up when she saw you, and that radiance made her beautiful. She never hesitated to say that she found someone irresistible; she never shied away from attraction or the vulnerability that sometimes comes with it; she was never desperate or needy; she flirted from a happy abundance of love and lust, not a lack of either, and so she was our Lady Bountiful, our irresistible force, and at her funeral beautiful women, handsome men, famous poetsand her devoted companionall wept as if their hearts would break. And then there's appetite: The thing women are not supposed to have (except in music videos, and then it's so clearly on display for the benefit of the viewer that I don't get any idea what Madonna or Christina Aguilera or Eve really wants for herself). You can fake blonde. You can fake tan. You can even fake sexy for a while. What you can't fake is the real and unmistakable scent and feel of someone who actually likes...sex. You can't fake that Bessie Smith growl, the easy warmth of someone who wants a little sugar in her bowl and who is prepared, under the right circumstances, to have and give a very good time.

Who would you rather have dinner with: the flour-fearing vegan or the happy omnivore who looks on dessert as a special occasion, not a torment? So it is with sex. Shame, guilt, and aversion are not attractive to most people. Confidence and an adult appreciation of pleasureand of the amazing human machine, which despite imperfections and wear and tear, can do such a glorious job of delivering itis appealing. People who know that and show that they do are simply irresistible. The heart of sexual energy is making others feel beautiful, wanted, clever, charming, making them see themselves in the warm, pink light of our unembarrassed attention and allowing some of the flattering light to fall on ourselves, our strong points, and our frank interest. It isn't the tenacious, almost hostile, approach of the lonely man or woman who is only a step away from turning on us if we disappoint. It isn't breaking up marriages or insulting one's spouse. It is embracing the world and the people in it; it is embracing desire and attraction as sources of pleasure rather than shame, and appreciating what we have to offer as well as what they, the lucky objects of our desire, do.

Everything You Wanted To Know About Sex Toys

Oprah.com | From the June 2006 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Everything she always wanted to know about sex toys and wasn't afraid to ask Hilda Hutcherson, MD. Our intrepid columnist gets the buzz.

This month I'm giving readers a choice: We can either (a) discuss the possible privatization of Social Security and its impact on 21st-century macroeconomics or (b) go shopping for sex toys. May I see a show of hands? Okay, so that would be 2.4 million women ready to hit the stores, and one retired stockbroker from the suburbs of Detroit who'd be ever so grateful if I'd start writing for BusinessWeek. Sorry, Dadthe people have spoken. With friends like Hilda Hutcherson, MD, my go-to sexpert and the author of Pleasure: A Woman's Guide to Getting the Sex You Want, Need, and Deserve, who needs sales help? I call my fearless pal and offer to buy her lunch in exchange for a guided tour of the best sex toys currently on the market. My education begins in the personal massagers section of a discreet midtown Manhattan shop called Eve's Garden. I check out a shelf of architecturally unobtrusive little gadgets as Hilda heads straight for a periwinkle blue confection. "See how pretty," she says, grouping it with the chartreuse and salmon ones. "They're so sculptural, you could really have them on your coffee table without anybody realizing they're vibrators." But before I can lay out what I feel is a rather cogent argument for not displaying an assortment of pastel sex toys in the middle of my living room, Hilda has moved on. "Ooh, look, Lisait's the smoothie!" She picks up an ultrasleek tiger-stripe number and turns it to low. "Smoothies are a bit more phallic," she says, as it dawns on me that Hilda's idea of a bit more phallic is my definition of the Washington Monument. "These are terrific for women who are just trying to get their feet wet." As the smoothie buzzes away, I start to offer her a little free advice: "Technically, Doctor, it's not the feet that need to get" But before I can finish, Hilda is zeroing in on an odd contraption. "Here's one based on a medical device for women with arousal disorder. This piece suctions the clitoris," she says, holding up a rubbery thimble, "while this cylinder vibrates. I write lots of prescriptions for these," she says matter-of-factly.

"But isn't everything here over-the-counter?" I ask. "Aren't sex toys more about leisure activity than medical need?" I can't help picturing an operating room in which a dedicated young surgeon calls for his instruments: "Scalpel! Sutures! Box of remote-control panties!" Hilda puts down the sample of edible Kama Sutra Honey Dust she's been enjoying. "When I write a prescription, I'm giving a woman permission from a doctor," she says. "And some of us need that. Ten percent of the sexually active female population have never had an orgasm, and God knows how many women have trouble climaxing with a partner. I prescribe a vibrator for use during intercourse. Toys give you control and provide extra stimulation." Now, I'm aware that at this point certain readers (and you know who you are, cousin Myrna) would just as soon have me cut to waves crashing against the shore, but for my friends with a healthy curiosityhere goes nothing: "Hilda," I say, pointing to a gigantic vibrating penis that looks and feels just like the real thing...and then some, "you don't think most men would find this a touch daunting?" "Well, you can always start small. Here," Hilda says, handing me the Fukuoku 9000. "This finger-puppet-y vibrator slips over any digit, looks totally nonthreatening, and still gets the job done. How could this tiny toy make a man think he's being replaced?" She pauses a beat, shifting into pleasure-activist mode. "But I'm telling you, Lisa, that other one is definitely worth a try. I mean, for one thing, it's dishwasher safe!" And there you go. At exactly 12:39 Eastern standard time, life as I understand it officially ends. I note the sign that informs customers of a 10 percent discount on floor models, I see the make-your-owndildo kit containing special molding powder, patented "liquid skin," stir stick, vibrating unit, easy-to-follow instructions, and I suggest we break for lunch. Over Cobb salads, I ask Hilda if there's any truth to the rumor that vibrators are addictive. "That's ridiculous," she says. "Granted, if you're using it five or six times a day, it'll be hard to go back" "Or hold a job or raise a family or...walk," I chime in. "But," Hilda goes on, "the thing most of us love junkies ache for can't be found in a toy. They've yet to come up with a vibrator that whispers in your ear or holds you tight at 3 A.M." "They've yet to come up with a lot of men who do that." "True, but toys tend to put the oomph back into long-term relationships, so you start releasing those hormones that actually do keep couples close." Hilda spears a cherry tomato. "And if you don't have a steady partner, they help your body remember how to respond. Or if you're menopausaland not sexually active or taking estrogenthey keep the blood flowing through those vessels. You've got to prevent your vagina from shrinking and getting drya dildo is fantastic for that," she says as I watch the busboy who's refilling our iced teas go pale and back into a waiter. If Eve's Garden is demure, our next stop, Babeland, is big, bright, and in-yourface. "Taste this," Hilda says as she squeezes a drop of "strawberry

cheesecake lube" on the back of my hand. Before I can mention that this lubricant tastes an awful lot like Robitussin, my eyes light on the holy grail, the Rolls-Royce of sex toys. Drumroll, please: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Rabbit Habit, complete with strategically placed rotating pleasure pearls, fluttering ears, swiveling head, and varying speeds for both rotation and vibration. This bunny does it all! "It's a brave new world, my friend," Hilda says as she gives me a hug, gathers her three shopping bags worth of erotica, and heads home to celebrate her husband's 50th birthday. After checking out the vibrating bullet, the Pocket Rocketwhich Hilda swears byand the G-spot vibrator, I collect my purchases (yes, I managed to find a few things, but that's between me, my boyfriend, and the nice woman in accounting who signs off on expense reports) and grab a cab. With Johannes in Europe, it'll be a girls' night injust me, my 3-year-old, Dora the Explorer, and Angelina Ballerina. Someday Julia will go through my drawers just the way I did my mother's (and by the way, Mom, I'm onto youa diaphragm is not a kitty cat's bathing cap), and who knows what she'll come across. Maybe I'll take that moment to tell her how you have to work at relationships, and how you have to care for yourself, and howunless you want to be surrounded by a SWAT team and two dozen bomb-sniffing beaglesyou have to take the batteries out of toys when you travel. Or maybe I'll just send her to lunch with Auntie Hilda.

15 Ways to Remember Anything, from Dr. Oz

Oprah.com | January 01, 2006

How to sharpen your mind, strengthen your brain, and keep your thoughts in order.
Teach a Lesson In life, we have all kinds of teachers: first-grade teachers, biology teachers, ballet teachers. While they may have been responsible for teaching us how to read, how to dissect a frog or how to do the perfect pli, they also taught us perhaps one of the most important lessons about aging: Teaching can save your brain. You're far more likely to retain information if you have to explain it to somebody else. The degree to which you can effectively explain information indicates how well you've actually learned it. The lesson: Take advantage of mentoring opportunitieswhether it's instructing a class in your favorite hobby at a community college, or inviting the neighborhood teens over to teach them how to change a tire or make a souffl. Teach the next generation, and you'll power up your own generator. Be a Lifelong Learner Yeah, sure, we know what your ideal picture of retirement looks like: One hammock, one baby blue ocean, four naps a day. That's great and all, but one of the best ways to ensure that your mind doesn't liquidate into the consistency of a pia colada is to continue to give it a reason to function. Work it. Challenge it. Teach it new things. When you increase your learning during life, you decrease the risk of developing memory-related problems. That means your brain has a fighting chanceif you keep it active and engaged, if you keep challenging it with new lessons, if you learn a new game or new hobby or new vocation. You have to challenge your mindeven making it a little uncomfortable by pushing yourself to learn tasks that may not come naturally. Doing tough tasks reinforces the neural connections that are important to preserving memory. Like a clutch athlete, your mind has a way of rising to the occasion. Challenge it, and it will reward you. Stop and Think About Thinking Like breathing, thinking is designed to be an automatic process. Don't believe us? Then do this. Don't think of a bruised banana. Don't picture it. Don't let the image cross your mind. Ha! The only thing you can think of right now is that darn banana. The point here is that you can't do anything but think when you're thinking. Thinking is an involuntary reflex; while you can often control what you think about, thinking is as natural as an ocean's ecosystemstuff kind of floats around and goes where it wants to go. Now, try this when you're doing a simple activity, like waking up. Instead of just rolling out of bed, splashing water on your face, and dreading your 8 a.m. meeting, think about your surroundings: Listen for birds, notice the drips of water beading down your leg in the shower, savor the sips from your orange juice, think about every tooth you're brushing. It doesn't take any more time; it

just helps train your brain. We're not trying to go all philosophic on you; thinking about the thought process is really about awareness and is one of the tools you can use tostrengthen your neural connections. See If Your Genes Fit If you have a family history of memory-related problems and are comfortable with genetic testing, you can have your level of Apo E4 protein checked. That will help you determine whether you're more or less predisposed to clearing that gunky beta-amyloid from your neural wiring. You can find out more about the test on ARUPLab.com,AthenaDiagnostics.com or RealAge.com. No matter what your result, know that obesity and alcohol increase expression of the gene, while exercise decreases the amount of Apo E4 in the blood. Live in the Moment When it comes to your brain, stress acts as noise in your systemonly it comes in the form of nagging tasks, job dissatisfaction, bills and fights about who's going to which family's house for the holidays. One of the keys to having a healthy mind is to live as much as you can in the momentthat is, thinking about what you're doing right now, not worrying about the mistakes you made yesterday or the headaches that await you tomorrow. More stress means the inability to concentrate, and that's been shown to contribute to a shrinking of the prefrontal cortex. Is living in the moment hard to do? Of course it can be, but it's a behavior you can learn with practice, similar to our previous strategy of thinking about thinking. Example: When you're playing with your kids and letting tomorrow's work day weigh on you, force yourself to concentrate on Candy Landmaking it a great experience for your kids rather than a distant one for you. It takes some time and effort, but in the end, the act of living in the moment rewards not only you, but also the people around you. Feed on Brain Food While physics would dictate that your food would travel down after you eat it, a certain amount travels up to your brain (via arteries after it's been through the digestive process, of course). One of the best nutrients to help keep your cerebral power lines strong are omega-3 fatty acids, the kinds of fat found in fish like salmon and mahimahi. These healthy fats, which have been shown to slow cognitive decline in people who are at risk, not only help keep your arteries clear, but also improve the function of your message-sending neurotransmitters. Aim for 13 ounces of fish a week, or if you prefer supplements, take 2 grams of fish oil a day. Try Chi-Gong

Chi-Gong, an activity that looks like slow-mo martial arts, can not only help improve your physical well-being, but it can also serve as a mind-clearing exercise. This slow, gentle series of movements can help reduce the noise (and is especially great if you have aches and pains that hold you back from your normal routine). Load Up on Salad With the veggies, not the fat-laden dressing. It's been shown that vegetables any kind, any placeslow cognitive decline even more than fruits. Eating two or more servings a day (just two!) decreases the decline in thinking by 35 percent over six years. Pass the sprouts, please. Add a Dash of This and That Several substances have been shown to help cognitive function. These are the ones we recommend:

Carotenoids and flavonoids, which are vitamin-like substances that can act as antioxidants. Not essential for life, they tend to give color to fruits and vegetables. Lycopene and quercitin. Good sources include tomatoes, pink grapefruit, watermelon, leafy green vegetables, red apples, onions, cranberries and blueberries.

Resveratrol, found in red wine, although the high doses that have been researched might require too much alcohol, so also consider a high-dose purified product as a supplement. A variety of flavonoids found in dark chocolate made with at least 70 percent pure cocoa (just don't overdo it, because chocolate is high in calories).

Turmeric and curcumin, spices found in Indian and curried foods. Mustard also contains turmeric and can reduce Apo E4 levels. Learn the truth about Oprah, Dr. Oz and resveratrol Go with the Flow Your blood feeds your brain nutrients. No nutrients, no brain. No brain, no Super Bowl party this year. So one of your big goals should be to keep your arteries clear and flowing. Reducing high blood pressure to normalimproves cognitive function and slows Alzheimer's progression substantially. If you have a diastolic blood pressure of more than 90 (that's the bottom number), then you have a five-times greater risk of getting dementia two decades down the line than if it's below 90. If you have elevated blood pressure, it may be because your arteries are constricted, often as a result of cholesterol plaques, and limiting the amount of

blood and nutrients that reach a particular area. In the case of the brain, not having sufficient blood supplied to that watershed area between the two main arteries is what elevates the risk of stroke. Consider Your Hormonal Options Early research on menopausal women showed that boosting estrogen levels delays Alzheimer's. Newer research is less clear, so we don't believe that's reason enough to start taking estrogen. But if you're considering taking it for other reasons, it could be one additional positive factor. Get in the Game Our suggestion for a brain-boosting workout: Once or twice a week, choose an exercise that requires not only your body to work, but also your mind, such as Bikram yoga or a game of singles tennis. The sports or exercises that engage you in the moment can really help clear your mind at the same time. You don't need to overdo it. Just 30 minutes of walking a day plus our YOU2 Workout a couple times a week will help you burn 2,000 to 3,500 calories a weekthe amount shown to increase telomere length. Detox Your Life If you're experiencing memory problems that are causing you alarm, eliminate some key chemicals from your lifestyle first, before adding anything new. That includes such things as artificial foods (like sweeteners), MSG, and even shampoo (better to make sure the inside of your head is clean, isn't it?). Finally, despite their life-saving benefits, statin drugs can uncommonly cause reversible memory loss, a discussion that you should pursue with your doctor if you are more concerned about your memory than your heart. Surprising tidbit: Even over-the-counter cold and allergy medications can contribute to memory problems; in fact, injecting lab animals with the active ingredient in Benadryl (diphen hydramine) is a research model for memory loss that immediately simulates Alzheimer's. Learn to Tell a Joke There's lots of evidence that a good laugh can help improve your immune system, and humor can also have a valuable effect on your memory. Humor requires what the laugh doctors call conceptual blendingthat is, the ability to relate the expected to the unexpected; we laugh when something surprising happens. Having a sense of humor is a sign of intelligence. Telling a joke, like being a teacher, is another way to challenge your brain. You have to be able to play mental hopscotch from one word to another to make sure that the story, joke, riddle, or pun combines a set of expected circumstances and unexpected ones (i.e., what happens once the guy walks into the bar?). And ultimately, if you tell it right, you have to have a fair amount of social intelligence as wellthe ability to maximize the tension and mystery of the joke until the very last second. Map Your Mind One way to strengthen your mind is by flexing parts that you don't use often like perhaps those associated with imagination. So try this trick from our friend

Tony Buzan, next time you're feeling overwhelmed with a task. Map out your todo list, rather than actually listing it. That is, draw a picture of your issue in the middle of a piece of paper, then branch out from that centerpiece with smaller subsections and keywords related to that issue. For example, if you want to lose 25 pounds, draw a picture of yourself on a scale in the middle. Instead of making a list of how to do it, draw lines from the center with subcategories of things like food, exercise, pitfalls, supports, and other broad categories that will help you. Then branch out from there with subcategories (food may include such branches as "Eat breakfast," "Eat five small meals a day," and "No more doughnuts"). Why is this helpful? For one thing, starting in the center gives your brain freedom to spread out in different directions; for another, a picture flexes your imagination muscles and also keeps you focused and able to concentrate better. And the branches work because your brain works by associationconnect the branches, and you will understand, remember, and act on the problem much more easily.

11 Empowering Ways to Strengthen Your Brain

By Paige Greenfield Oprah.com | From the September 2010 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

You know that startling moment when you can't for the life of you recall why you walked into a room? As we get older, our minds seem less like steel traps and more like sieves. But here's some good news for your 100 billion neurons: Just as the brain can get weaker, it can also grow stronger. Scientists are finding more and more things you can do to invigorate your noggin. Start with this lineup of smart tricks.

1. Volunteer Stimulates: The prefrontal cortex, which analyzes, plans, and problem-solves Why: A Johns Hopkins study found that older women who tutored kids for six months developed sharper cognitive skills. The social and mental activity required for teaching sends blood rushing to this part of the brain. http://www.oprah.com/packages/feel-good-health-challenge.html This article is part of Oprah.com's 2011 Feel Good Challenge. Join now and move closer to the life you want! 2. Work out Stimulates: The hippocampus, which forms memories Why: Arthur Kramer, PhD, a researcher at the University of Illinois, used MRIs to show that exercise actually makes your hippocampus bigger. Physical activity may increase the number of capillaries in the region, which in turn helps new cells grow. Kramer prescribes one-hour sweat sessions three times a week. 3. Learn a skill Stimulates: The intraparietal sulcus, which directs hand-eye coordination Why: At Oxford University, researchers taught 24 people to juggle and found that after six weeks this region had a higher density of white matter (the fibers that let neurons communicate). Any novel activity that is practiced intently, such as tennis or guitar playing, will likely have this effect, says study author Heidi Johansen-Berg.

4. Keep the weight off As the number on the scale creeps upward, it's hard to imagine that anything's getting smaller, but extra pounds can actually shrink your brain. In a 2009 study, brain scans of older adults revealed that overweight individuals had an average of 4 percent less brain tissue than normal-weight folks. And in obese people the loss of tissue was so significant that their brains appeared 16 years older than those of thinner people. "By eating more calories, you're also consuming more fat," says study author Paul Thompson, PhD, a neurology professor at UCLA School of Medicine. "The fat clogs arteries that feed the brain, which in turn causes brain cells to wither." That loss can impair memory, mood, movement, speech, and more. Though the first priority is getting down to a healthier weight, you can also focus on strengthening the brain cells you've got. Aerobic activity will not only help you shed pounds but increase the amount of blood, oxygen, and nutrients flowing north to your neurons. And more nourishment means a faster processor. 5. Wiggle your eyes Can't remember where you stashed your glasses? Try looking from side to side. Rapid horizontal eye movements cause the brain's two hemispheres to interact with each other more efficiently, explains memory researcher Andrew Parker, PhD. In moments of temporary amnesia, that action may help you pull up information. 6. Take a snooze

In a University of California, Berkeley, study, participants improved their scores on a memory test by 10 percent when they repeated the test after catching some z's. (Nonnappers saw a 10 percent decline in their scores the second time they took the quiz.) Here's why: New facts enter your brain like e-mails arriving in your in-box. And as your in-box can overflow over the course of a day, so can your brain. During sleep, your brain shuffles recently received data into storage, creating space for fresh info. 7. Eat brain foodsrich in B12, antioxidants, or essential fatty acid

Bananas (Get the recipe for Banana Cinnamon Smoothies) Kale (Get the recipe for Spicy Parmesan Green Beans and Kale) Tomatoes (Get the recipe for Grilled Pizza with Goat Cheese, Tomatoes and Thyme) Blueberries (Get 8 blueberry recipes) Swiss cheese (Get the recipe for a classic Muffuletta sandwich) Chocolate (Get the recipe for double chocolate loaf and more decadent retro desserts) Salmon (Get the recipe for healthy Lemon Salmon with Garlic Spinach) Brussels sprouts (Get the recipe for Balsamic Glazed Brussels Sprouts with Bacon and Bread Crumbs) Apples (Get the recipe for Maine Crab, Green Apple and Avocado Salad with Parmesan Tuiles) Olive oil (Get the recipe for Olive Oil Vinaigrette) Coffee beans (Get 8 caffeine infused coffee recipes) Oranges (Get 8 citrus recipes, from entres to dessert)

Watch Out for These Memory Stealers

How to avoid health problems that can hurt your brain.
8. Thief: Chronic Stress The Damage: Prolonged exposure to the fight-or-flight hormone cortisol and other brain chemicals can actually kill neurons by exciting them to death. The Fix: Stay connected. A six-year Harvard University study of 16,638 people found that those with the largest social networks had the slowest rate of memory decline. Family and friends can mute the intensity of stressand the brain's chemical response. 9. Thief: Cholesterol The Damage: If plaque gets lodged inside one of the tiny blood vessels in your brain, it can cause a "silent" stroke (the kind you don't even know you've had). The harm this can do to your brain tissue could slow the speed at which you absorb new information. The Fix: In addition to eating a healthy diet and getting plenty of exercise, go nuts for nuts. Eating about 2.4 ounces a day can lower bad cholesterol by ten points. The type of nut doesn't seem to matter, though raw nuts are healthiest. 10. Thief: Sleep Apnea The Damage: In this disorder (marked by loud snoring and exhaustion upon waking), your airway spontaneously closes or becomes blocked for several seconds at a time. The resulta dip in the oxygen level in your blood, which can cause brain cells to starve. The Fix: Studies show that losing 10 percent of your body weight is enough to improve symptoms. And your doctor may recommend using a CPAP (continuous positive airway pressure) machine while you sleep. It fits over your nose and mouth and generates a steady flow of air to keep the airway open. 11. Thief: Hypothyroidism The Damage: An underactive thyroid slows metabolism, which leads to fatigue, which leads to a foggy brain. One of the symptoms of this disorder, affecting about 17 percent of women 60 and over, is difficulty committing new info to long-term memory. The Fix: A common cause of the problem is insufficient levels of iodine, which the body needs in order to produce thyroid hormones, so seek out lots of iodine-rich foods, such as seafood and dairy products.

Smart and Smarter

By Tim Jarvis Oprah.com | From the March 2008 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Anyone can learn something new, but how do you keep it from slipping out the back door of your brain? Four ways to make the information stick.
Cramming for exams in a haze of No-Doz is the kind of activity one can only hope to outgrow. But demands for retaining new information hardly ended with graduationthere are speeches to be delivered, professional certifications, boards and bars to pass. Should you pull all-nighters? Study till you drop? Now, the best way to hang on to what you learn. Space Out If possible, always try to break up learning into separate sessions, rather than studying in a nose-to-the-grindstone marathon, according to Doug Rohrer, PhD, associate professor of psychology at the University of South Florida, who has conducted several experiments in this area. "Say you take French eight hours a day for two weekslanguage immersion courses yield excellent performance right after the class. However, if you want to know French in the long run, you're much better off spending that same amount of time distributed across a semester or a year." When you space out learning like this, he says, "you can have up to 100 percent more retention." Sleep On It Hit the books; then hit the pillow. That will help the brain lock in what you learned. Even naps are beneficial, according to a Harvard study in which subjects who took a 90-minute snooze after learning a task performed 50 percent better over a 24-hour period than the napless group. "Sleep after learning helps solidify memory," says Susumu Tonegawa, PhD, a Nobel Prize-winning professor of biology and neuroscience at the Picower Institute for Learning and Memory at MIT. According to animal studies, when you perform a task, the brain cells fire in a certain sequence. If you then fall

asleep, the same cells automatically fire in an identical sequence without being distracted or disrupted by incoming visual stimuli. That, Tonegawa says, "solidifies the synapses, which in turn helps to strengthen the information as a memory." Don't Overlearn Once you've remembered the Spanish word for house or done a math problem correctly, continuing to practice does very little for long-term retention, says Rohrer. "Study a lot of material for a little bit of time in one session, rather than a little bit of material for a lot of time." Keep Your Brain Fit The long-held assumption that we lose about 10 percent of our neurons per decade is not true. "Remarkably, there are as many neurons in a healthy 80year-old brain as there are in a young adult's," says Michela Gallagher, PhD, professor of psychological and brain sciences at Johns Hopkins University. "When you're 50 or 60 and forget something, you think, 'Oh my God, my brain's falling apart.' But if you've still got all your neurons, the likelihood that you can prevent memory loss is much greater than if your brain had substantially deteriorated." The magic memory pill has yet to be found, but science does know that regular exercise, social engagement, and education all help keep the brain sharp as you age"not just in terms of current memory," says Gallagher, "but also in reducing the risk of Alzheimer's disease."

Head Trip: Why Your Memory May Be Slipping

By Tim Jarvis Oprah.com | From the June 2008 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Mild brain injuries from an old fall may show up years later.
Do you remember? If that's starting to be a touchy, frustrating, panicky question, dementia is not necessarily nipping at your heels. "Many times when I'm dealing with patients who fear they have Alzheimer's, I find they have a history of head injuries," says Jonathan Canick, PhD, a neuropsychologist and the codirector of the Memory Clinic at California Pacific Medical Center in San Francisco. In fact, researchers at the Mount Sinai School of Medicine in New York City have been investigating the effects of unidentified traumatic brain injuries (TBI)long-forgotten falls, sports injuries, or any accident that resulted in a blow to the headsince the early 1990s. One of their recent studies referred to TBI as a hidden epidemic, because often the symptoms, which can include both cognitive and behavioral problems, are attributed to other causes. Even mild TBIs cause noticeable brain tissue loss, according to a study in Neurology. Normal aging, Canick stresses, is not a process of mental decline, but changes in the brain can unmask the effects of prior injuries. It's time for a brain check... Red Flags Are you easily able to multitask? Can you cope with everyday chores, like balancing a checkbook, without making elementary mistakes? Are you able to keep track of information? If you answer no to any of these, think back to whether you've ever had a hard knock to your head that left you disoriented, suggests Wayne A. Gordon, PhD, professor of rehabilitation medicine at Mount

Sinai School of Medicine. Diagnosis "Patients go misdiagnosed because their practitioners often rely on a test like the Mini Mental State Exam that may miss more subtle and vexing problems," Canick says. The best specialists are neuropsychologists (the National Academy of Neuropsychologists at www.nanonline.org has a directory). Treatment Options include stimulants (such as Ritalin and Provigil), dementia drugs (Aricept, Exelon), and cognitive rehabilitation programs. None of these treatments are cure-alls, says Canick; nor do they work for everyone. But with a proper diagnosis, he says, "they can either significantly improve a person's cognition or increase mental functioning in general."

What Would It Take for You to Be Still?

By Catherine Price Oprah.com | From the September 2010 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

How can you learn to slow down time, quiet the mental chatter, and savor life's breezes? With mindfulness, one snowcapped mountain meditation at a time.

When I decided to take up meditation, it seemed so easyslip on a pair of yoga pants, force your legs into half lotus, and "om" your way to serenity and bliss. Forget that my hips are too tight for even a quarter of a lotus, or that the last time I felt truly serene, prescription drugs were involved. I had to try itI needed

to find a way to slow things down. Lately it's felt like my life is on warp speed. Weekends blur into months; months blur into seasons. I eat fast, I talk fast, I walk fastI swear I even sleep fast. And I find it almost impossible to sit still. All that research showing that fidgeting burns tons of calories is good news for me. I may get a lot done, but smell the roses? I'm not even getting a passing whiff. We've all had the experience of sensing time decelerate naturally when we're not so thrilled about what we're doing (think torturous spinning class or hourlong "synergy workshop" at the office). As my dear grandmother would have said, it takes only one colonoscopy to prove that time is relative. But what about the more enjoyable times in life? I hoped that practicing the popular and proven type of meditation called mindfulnesswhich focuses on bringing awareness to the present momentmight help me slow those times down as well. Ready to begin, I went straight to the source: Jon Kabat-Zinn, PhD, the founder of the Stress Reduction Clinic at the University of Massachusetts Medical School. Kabat-Zinn is the creator of an eight-week course calledMindfulnessBased Stress Reduction (MBSR), which he began teaching in 1979 and which is now the largest and oldest meditation-based clinical program in the world. (Kabat-Zinn's program is taught at the University of Massachusetts, but you can find other MBSR courses around the country.) There are many types of meditation, so why did I opt for MBSR? Two reasons. First, I liked that it's taught in a secular context; even though it's based on some core principles of Buddhism, I didn't need any background knowledge to begin. Second, as someone who wants to understand why I'm doing something especially when that thing is challengingI liked the idea that there was scientific proof of its effectiveness. (Because its curriculum is so consistent, it's one of the most studied forms of meditation in the world.) Kabat-Zinn suggested I start at home by practicing one or two guided 20- to 45minute exercises six days a week (yes, even meditators need a day off). After we talked about my reason for wanting to meditateKabat-Zinn says it's important to identify your motivation before you begin, or you'll be tempted to give uphe recommended that I kick off my practice with what he thought would be an easy starting point: a visualization called the mountain meditation. I loaded my iPod with the 20-minute exercise, which requires you to sit erect on the floor or a chair, close your eyes, and observe your breathing as you imagine a mountain. First, you notice small detailsthe trees that cover its slopes, perhaps a dollop of snow at the peakand eventually you try to imagine becoming the mountain itself, feeling its strength and solidity and noticing that even when it's battered by the wind or drenched with rain, its rock-hard interior remains stable and calm. (Meditation teachers love metaphors.) The goal of the mountain meditation is the same as with every other mindfulness techniquewhether you're focusing on an image, your breath, or sensations in your body, you're trying to coax your mind into what Kabat-Zinn calls a state of nondoing. That's not the same as doing nothing. Rather, it means you're not thinking about your grocery list or the conversation you had

with a friend last night or the unfinished report sitting on your desk at work. Nor are you trying to force your mind to go blank or conjure up any special feelings. You're concentrating on just one thing, experiencing each moment as it happens, and trying to beif I might quote Van Halenright here, right now. What does experiencing the moment have to do with imagining yourself as a mountain? Think of it as strength training. By learning to quiet your mind's chatter and concentrate solely on your mental Rockies, you're gaining the focus necessary to stay present when you're not actively meditating. The point is to avoid cruising through life on autopilot, so wrapped up in your daily routine that you don't notice the world around you. "Mindfulness is about living your life as if it really mattered," says Kabat-Zinn. "If you're not mentally present in the small moments, you could be missing half your life." If this nondoing sounds easy, take 20 minutes and try the mountain exercise yourself. It won't be long before your mountainwhich in my case was less Mount Everest and more like the label on an Evian bottledrifts away and is replaced by a game of free association: A mountain reminds you of skiing, which reminds you of a family vacation, which reminds you of the weekend, which reminds you that a friend invited you to dinner on Saturday, which reminds you that you never got back to her and that maybe you should be writing her an e-mail instead of sitting on the floor pretending you're a mountainwhich reminds you that you're supposed to be sitting on the floor pretending you're a mountain, which makes you mad at yourself for letting your mind wander. And thenbam. Not only are you no longer cultivating intimacy with the present moment, you're committing one of mindfulness's biggest faux pas: beating yourself up for getting distracted. (As soon as you start making judgments, you're out of the moment.) Kabat-Zinn didn't say this explicitly, but I'm pretty sure that mindfulness exercises should not include obscenities. After a few days pretending to be a mountain (and, in a different exercise, a lake), it became clear that I am not a visual person. Unable to picture a mountain in the first place, let alone concentrate on it for 20 minutes, I compensated by imagining my breath flowing up my body and rushing out the top of my headwhich worked better, until I realized I'd turned my calm snowy peak into a volcano. So with Kabat-Zinn's blessing, I moved on to a meditation that I hoped might come more naturally to me: the body scan. One of the key exercises in the MBSR course, it's 45 minutes of carefully guiding your attention up and down your body, trying to home in on the sensations in each isolated part. The exercise begins with your left big toe and, unfortunately in my case, it often ends thereas Kabat-Zinn likes to point out, while it's very difficult to learn to "fall awake" (become connected to the present moment), it's quite easy, when meditating, to fall asleep. Still, I stuck with it. I liked the challenge of trying to harness my mind, and I was intrigued by studies showing that MBSR does even more than that. In 2003, for example, scientists from the University of Wisconsin-Madison examined a group that included alumni of Kabat-Zinn's eight-week course, and found that when they received flu shots, the meditators' immune systems produced more antibodies in response to the vaccine than did the nonmeditators'. In a 1998 University of Massachusetts study, patients with psoriasis who meditated while

receiving ultraviolet treatments for their skin healed four times faster than the control groupregardless of whether they had any previous meditation training. Researchers don't yet understand all the details of why changes like these occur, but one possible explanation is that this type of meditation reduces stress and helps people develop a more positive outlook, both of which have been shown to strengthen the body's immune system. What's more, according to researcher Norman Farb, who studies meditation and experimental psychology at the University of Toronto, such mindfulnessbased meditation can actually change the way you use your brain. As Farb explains it, most of the time, we (by which I mean your average nonmeditating American) respond to new stimuli and experiences automatically, based on how we think they'll affect us. A traffic jam isn't just cars; it's a problem that will make us late for dinnerso when we see a red wall of taillights in front of us, we become stressed-out. A pair of sneakers strewn in the doorway aren't just discarded shoes; they're an annoying obstacle. So when we trip over them, we (by which I mean your average nonmeditating Catherine) get irritated with our husbands. In other words, we don't just experience, we evaluateand then respond without thinking (clogged highway = extra minutes stuck in the car = misery). Typically this type of narrative processing takes place in the medial prefrontal cortex, an area of the brain behind the center of your forehead that coordinates complex behaviors and thoughts. (It's also the part of the brain that's being used when your mind starts to wander.) While it's possible to stifle this default way of thinking, trying to do so is like forcing yourself to go to the gym after years of inactivitysure, you could fight your way through a step aerobics class if you had to, but wouldn't it be nicer to just eat Doritos on the couch? Farb has found that people who have completed the eight-week MBSR training, on the other hand, are able to activate an entirely different part of the brainthe insula. Located deep inside your gray matter, the insula informs you of what's happening in the present moment without connecting the experience to a specific emotion. When you're thinking this way, a traffic jam doesn't seem like a problem; it's simply a bunch of cars on the road. The point of meditation is not to stop you from having an emotional response to what's happening in your lifeit's to avoid responding purely out of habit. Every situation, if you think about it, is an invitation for you to react in a certain way, but being mindful gives you the chance to decide how to RSVP. Does the sight of bumper-to-bumper traffic mean you have to get stressed-out? Or could you think of those extra 20 minutes as a chance to listen to a favorite CD? (Judging from the increase in my heart rate just from typing "bumper-to-bumper," I've got work to do.) Is it really worth getting angry at my husband over those misplaced sneakers? Or would I rather be thankful for the fact that he folded the laundry? On the flip side, if it turns out you do want to say yes to the invitationby feeling happy about a new promotion, for exampleyou can use mindfulness to savor the moment more fully. It doesn't matter whether the experience is good or bad; mindfulness reminds you that when it comes to your reactions, you're the one in charge.

Still, Kabat-Zinn had warned me not to expect that anything magical would happen while I was meditating, or even that it would always feel enjoyablea caveat that I appreciated whenever I grew irritable or uncomfortable, or found myself counting down the seconds during my daily practice. He also pointed out that meditation is not a quick fix; becomingand stayingmindful is a lifelong process. But as I continued experimenting each day with the guided exercises, I was happy to find that they did become easier. I developed some tricks for everyday life, toolike taking a few slow, conscious breaths to bring my attention back to the present moment, or choosing a particular sense to focus on. And I tried not to get annoyed when my mind wandered. As Kabat-Zinn says, stopping your brain from thinking would be like stopping the ocean's waves. It's more productive to simply observe the thoughts without getting carried away by themand try to tap into the calm that exists beneath the surface. By training myself to stay focused during the exercises, I've also gotten better at staying present when I'm not actively meditating. As a result, I've discovered that each day is dense with experiencesthe breeze against my skin, the play of light on the grass, the sound of my husband's laughand if I want to stretch out time, all I need to do is notice them. When I find my mind racing ahead or am tempted to skip my daily practice, I remember another of Kabat-Zinn's sayings that affirms why this is an experiment I want to continue: Both figuratively and literally, we only have moments to live. For a guide on how to cultivate mindfulness and suggestions for daily practice, download these meditation exercises. To buy Jon Kabat-Zinn's series of practice CDs, go to JonKabat-Zinn.com. To find a Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction program near you, go to umassmed.edu/cfm/mbsr.

Love, Loss, and What I Ate

Oprah.com | From the July 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Memories, misty water-colored memories of the way she ate. Our taste-starved columnist hungers for the potatoes, the pizza, and the people from her past.
I just finished reading Love, Loss, and What I Wore for the 219th time. It's a quirky little autobiography in which the utterly charming Ilene Beckerman recalls her life's defining moments through the wardrobe choices she's madefrom Brownie uniform to bridal veil. The book got me digging through my own closet full of milestones, but clothes have never really been my thing, so here is all I can report from the fashion front: When I was 5, my parents took me to see Snow White and I have a clear memory of wearing a sleeveless orange sundress dotted with little white flowers and thinking that when I grew up I would do whatever it took to avoid a gig where I had to be the cleaning lady for a houseful of diamond-mining dwarfs or, for that matter, any man who goes by the name of Sneezy. I also have a clear memory of being 13 and getting the perfect dress for Michael Lasky's Bar Mitzvah. Unfortunately, Judy Glassman got the same perfect dress and Judy Glassman was adorable. I recently unearthed an old photoproof positive that I, too, was adorable, but not even Paul McCartney himself could've convinced me of that back in the day. Finally, I will admit that somewhere between 1961 and this morning there appears to have been a fake fur vest, a pair of pink pleather hot pants, and something that, were I feeling really charitable, could best be described as a staggeringly festive sombrero...with antlers. And that pretty much sums up the last 48 years of my life in clothes. Believe me, Beckerman did it bettermy story just doesn't quite work when filtered

through the prism of ball gowns and bathing suits because frankly, even if I were the Belle of the Ball or the Bunny of the Beach, it isn't the stuff I wore that stays with me. Love, Loss, and What I Ate The first time I visited France, I did not sleep on the eight-hour flight for a perfectly reasonable reason; I wanted to be preternaturally alert in case the pilot suddenly needed me to land the plane. You may be wondering why he wouldn't simply turn to his or her copilot for assistance. I don't know. You may be wondering if in fact I have a pilot's license. I do not. You may be wondering how many other delusions of grandeur I currently suffer from. Dozens. My point is that the first time I saw Paris, it was through profoundly jet-lagged eyes. Here's everything I know about French cooking: (1) Julia Child was a genius and (2) those little rodents in thatRatatouille movie couldn't have been more darling. As for what I know of the French language, well, suffice it to say that I once walked into a small pharmacy outside Lyon and tried to buy a tube of "KY marmalade." Want to know what you get when you combine a distinct lack of foreign language skills with a limited knowledge of haute cuisine and a dash of sleep deprivation? You get a plate of scandalously rare meat with a raw egg perched on top. You also get me screeching across the rather sedate bistro, "Holy mother of God, there's an oeuf on myboeuf!" Upon breaking up with my first true love, a delightful young gentleman whom I still affectionately refer to as "evil incarnate," I invented the ultimate myboyfriend-has-just-dumped-me food. Prehistoric man came up with the wheel, Steve Jobs created the iPod, but let the record show that it was I who brought the world the dessert potato. Yes, the dessert potato, because nothing says "I'm hurting" quite like a woman who hasn't showered in nine days chowing down on a Yukon Gold that's been slathered in sprinkles and marshmallow fluff while the greatest hits of Janis Ian play on in an endless loop of sheer misery. ***

I like my pizza like I like my men: hot, no-nonsense, and covered in melted mozzarella and fresh mushrooms. And though I've never been especially religious (this despite the fact that I once saw a yam that was an absolute dead ringer for Golda Meir), I'm telling you that as transcendent experiences go, it's pretty hard to beat Buddy's Pizza in Detroit, Michigan. I could rhapsodize about the pure perfection that is Buddy's pillowy yet crackly crust with its ever so slightly fried edges and almost golden center. I could gush endlessly over the harmonic convergence of sauce and cheese, the hint of garlic and oregano, the touch of provolone, but for reasons that will never be entirely clear my editor has refused to provide the 33 extra pages I requested. Just know this: Despite everybody saying that when the country gets a cold, Detroit goes straight to bed with the flu, that it's got the highest unemployment rate, the most messed-up housing market, that the last one out should be sure to turn off the lights, I still

believe in the Red Wings, the auto workers, and Smokey Robinson. I had Buddy's on my first date, I had it at my sweet 16, I had it the night before I moved to New York City, I have it every time I come home, and I can assure you that where there is Buddy's Pizza, there is hope. ***

I own a food processor that slices and dices, shreds and minces like nobody's business. But it seldom sees the light of day, because I have this other gadget, an ancient hand chopper consisting of two curved metal blades attached to an ordinary handle; also attached are some of the loveliest memories I own. We are standing in my mother's kitchen. We are both a little eccentric, a little complicatedmy grandmother and me. I am 5, and she is 70, or I am 31 and she is 96, it doesn't matter, the ritual remains unchanged: Into the biggest wooden bowl I've ever seen go whatever peppers, red and green, can be found in the fridge. Carrots and parsnips are peeled and tossed in, too, along with celery stalks, potatoes, tomatoes, onions, and the odd bulb of fennel. Next my grandmother takes hold of the chopper that her mother and very possibly her mother's mother once used, and begins the serious work of bouncing the blades up and down till the bowl is filled with chunks and cubes and a green, earthy fragrance. Now it's my turn. The paint on the handle may be chipped, but the blades are as sharp as ever. I rock them back and forth until a bright confetti of fresh vegetables is ready to be added to the beef bones simmering on the stove. We made this soup a hundred times but I can't recall a single conversation we had while we did it. I know she taught me to clean up as I go along. I know she believed it was sinful to waste even a scrap of food. I know she missed her mother till the day she died. And I know one day my daughter will learn to make soup with an old-fashioned handheld chopper that's missing just a little bit of paint on its antique handle.

Watch This. No. Read It!

By Lauren Duzbow Oprah.com | From the June 2008 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

In our high-speed-connection world, why bother to read when you can get it all electronically? We make the case for not closing the book.

When you can see Atonement in two hours and 10 minutes (enacted by the very appealing James McAvoy, no less) or listen to it on audiotape, why bother working through the 371-page novel? For that matter, why trudge through the newspaper when you can turn on CNN? Why puzzle over a manual when you can YouTube the instructions? Everyone knows the book is always better than the movie, but is there any real advantage to getting your information by reading it? Yes, according to neuroscienceyour mind will most definitely thank you. Just like muscles, the brain benefits from a good workout. And reading is more neurobiologically demanding than processing images or speech. As you're absorbing, say, this article, "parts of the brain that have evolved for other functionssuch as vision, language, and associative learningconnect in a specific neural circuit for reading, which is very challenging," says Ken Pugh, PhD, president and director of research of Haskins Laboratories, which is devoted to the science of language and affiliated with Yale. "A sentence is shorthand for a lot of information that must be inferred by the brain." In general, your intelligence is called to action, as is greater concentration. "We are forced to construct, to produce narrative, to imagine," says Maryanne Wolf, director of the Center for Reading and Language Research at Tufts University and author

of Proust and the Squid: The Story and Science of the Reading Brain. "Typically, when you read, you have more time to think. Reading gives you a unique pause button for comprehension and insight. By and large, with oral languagewhen you watch a film or listen to a tapeyou don't press pause." The benefits of all this mental activity include keeping your memory sharp, your learning capacity nimble, and your mind basically hardier as you age. No one's advising that you toss the DVD playeror books on tape, which, Pugh says, provide more work for your brain than seeing a moviebut print should take up part of your life too. A literate mind is a more complex one. "There's a richness that reading gives you," Wolf says, "an opportunity to probe more than any other medium I know of. Reading is about not being content with the surface." Even when it is superficial (what's a plane ride without a little celebrity gossip?), indulging in a tabloid beats watching TVjust processing the words boosts the brain. "If you had your druthers," Pugh says, "you'd rather be reading."

Hope for the Scatterbrain

By Thea Singer Oprah.com | From the May 2007 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Some people can't finish a newspaper story before their mind takes flight, while others easily concentrate on a single activity for hours. If only the hyperfocused would pass along their secrets. In fact, by using advances in fMRIs (functional magnetic resonance imaging) that enable people to see segments of their

gray matter in real time and do something to change it, scientists are working on training the brain to increase its attention span. To help subjects improve their selective auditory attentionthe ability to zero in on, say, one conversation amid the din of a cocktail partySeung-Schik Yoo, PhD, associate professor of radiology at Harvard Medical School, put subjects in MRI machines and had them listen to a baseline sound (something like a dial tone). When the tone morphed into woo woo, they were instructed to concentrate harder by imagining it was coming from farther away. While the subjects were doing the exercise, Yoo zapped back a number on a screen indicating how active their brain region for selective auditory attention was. Paying attention is a very abstract phrase, he says. Participants were able to crystallize [the experience] with a concrete number showing how well they were doing it. How soon can we sign up, wandering minds want to know. This research is still in the earliest stages, scientists say. Meanwhile, other investigators are exploring using the fMRI feedback technique to help manage ADHD and control pain. Stay tuned...if you can.

Wait! Stop! It's All Too Much!

Oprah.com | From the November 2007 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

S.O.S.! How to unclutter, unclog, and keep your head above water.
Sonya opens her calendar to schedule a meeting. The little book bristles with

appointments. Distracted, she begins to fret about the thousand things she should do right away, then closes the calendarwithout adding the new meeting. Paula stands in the kitchen, but she has no idea why. The countertop is stacked with mail, the refrigerator papered with reminder notes. As Paula closes her eyes and tries to focus, her landline and cell phones ring almost simultaneously. Instead of answering, she puts her hands over her ears and lets out a strangled yell. Two hours ago, I went online to verify a fact for this article. This put me in range of 150 e-mails, many news stories, and a video clip labeled "Very Excited Pug," which I felt morally compelled to share with everyone I've ever met. (Google it. Seriously.) Now I can't even remember the fact I was checking. Sonya, Paula, and I aren't crazy or brain damaged; were just overwhelmed. You probably are, too. "Overwhelm" is increasingly common as demands on human attention increase exponentially. The human brain just wasn't designed to handle the environment we inhabit. For the vast majority of world history, human lifeboth culture and biology was shaped by scarcity. Food, clothing, shelter, tools, and pretty much everything else had to be farmed or fabricated, at a very high cost in time and energy. Knowledge was power, and it was hard to come by; for centuries, books had to be copied by hand and were rare and precious. Even people were scarce: Friends and relatives died young (as late as 1900, life expectancy in the United States was approximately 49 years). This kind of scarcity still rules the world's poorest regions. But in the developed world, hundreds of millions of us now face the bizarre problem of surfeit. Yet our brains, instincts, and socialized behavior are still geared to an environment of lack. The result? Overwhelmon an unprecedented scale. "I hate my house," Paula tells me. "It's so overstuffed, I feel like I'm suffocating." Sonya feels the same way about her schedule. "I sprint from one obligation to another," she says. "I feel as if I'm drowning. I can't even connect with the people I love." Both Paula and Sonya are bright, strong women, more than capable of straightforward tasks like clearing out a room or schedule. Yet when Paula walks into her guest bedroom and Sonya tries to reorganize her time, they sink into a kind of muddled netherworld, like Dorothy in the poppy fields of Oz. Their intentions grow fuzzy. They forget what they're doing. Is this dementia? Alzheimer's? Sheer cussed laziness? None of the above. It's a symptom of overwhelm called attentional blindness. You've almost certainly experienced this, too. Understanding it can help you manage it.

The Attention Funnel

For animals to survive in naturefor predators to spot prey, or prey to avoid predatorsthey must be able to focus intently on well-camouflaged targets, screening out extraneous information. Because of this, animal brains automatically develop "search images," brain templates that help them zoom in on crucial survival information and ignore everything else. You use search images, too. When you and a friend become separated in the mall, you scan the crowd, not scrutinizing every face but quickly filtering out everyone who's too tall, too short, wearing the wrong color of clothing. You're creating an "attention bottleneck," a narrow aperture that allows only certain information into conscious awareness, and going attentionally blind to anything that doesn't make it through the bottleneck. To test your attentional targeting abilities, try simultaneously talking on the phone, watching TV, and conversing with someone standing next to you. You may be able to shuttle between these three stimuli, but as soon as you hear something particularly attention grabbing"What? He locked his wife in a freezer?"you'll lose the thread of the other two information streams. When your brain assigns equal importance to several things at once, your attention bottleneck jams. You go attentionally blind to everything. This is the fuzzy, paralyzed feeling Sonya and Paula experience when they try to clear their space or time. It can be merely annoying, or catastrophicfor example, a driver engrossed in a cell phone conversation may go mind-blind to an obstacle right in front of his eyes. It's unnerving, then, that humans have created an environment unnaturally jammed with attention-grabbing information. Take advertising (please). Our brains evolved to pay close attention to unusually bright colors, food, sex, babies, physical danger, and other information salient to survival. So marketers bombard us with such images, making them ever brighter, louder, gorier, geared to outcompete all other attention demands. Now consider the flood of information from new communication technology, being used by more humans than ever before. The result is rampant attentional blindness. It'll overwhelm pretty much all of us until we learn to outmaneuver our instincts.

Was Blind But Now I See

Sonya and Paula react to overwhelm by telling themselves to Focus, dammit! You may do the same. This is like cramming sand into a clogged drainpipe; the problem is that your brain is already trying too hard to focus on too much. Nature has programmed certain settings into the attention function of your brain, but the time has come to reprogram it yourself.

The best way to learn this process is away from the demands of your life someplace that isn't home or work. Try a shopping center, a carnival, Times Square, or any other environment filled with competing attention demands. STEP ONE: Unclog your overwhelmed brain. To begin, free your attention bottleneck by closing your eyes and taking deep, slow breaths. Concentrate only on the feeling, sound, taste, and smell of the air going into and out of your lungs. STEP TWO: Choose a search image. Pick an arbitrary category of items as your search imagefor example, "things that are blue." Repeat the wordblue as you open your eyes. Notice that blue things appear, and that other items become blurred. This is normal. STEP THREE: Switch images. Close your eyes again, breathing in and out until you feel relaxed, and choose a new category, such as "round things" (or tall women, or green cars, or whatever). STEP FOUR: Relax to focus. You may find that you can't visualize your selected search images, that you're distracted by noises, colors, activity. This happens because you're not used to setting your own attention focus. Instead of concentrating harder, think softer. Relax your senses; mentally repeat your search phrase ("blue," "round things," "tall women," "green car"). Gradually, you'll find that your eyes locate the image on their own. STEP FIVE: Bring focus to a familiar activity. Once you can target your attention while holding still, practice the same exercise during an ordinary activity like driving or jogging. As you cruise along, repeat the search-image phrase, "anything that moves." This will make you more alert to things that will keep you safe. STEP SIX: Tackle the hard stuff. Finally, take your attention-directing skills into a situation that usually overwhelms you. For Paula, it's her cluttered house; for Sonya, her schedule. Instead of diving in, they need to set their attention focus prior to entering the danger zone. Think of this as a mission statementa carefully defined surgical strike, rather than a vague plan to do better. For Paula, a useful goal might be "I'll go into the home office, locate three books I haven't touched for years, and donate them to the library." Sonya might attack her planner with the mission "I'll cancel one commitment that isn't totally necessary." It's crucial to keep repeating your mission statement throughout the attempt. Don't let your attention bottleneck widen to include any other factors. That's why each exercise should be smallto give you minimal time for becoming distracted. By making a series of attacks on things like clutter or obligations, weeding out everything you don't absolutely need, and using only one search image per attack, you'll begin to feel a new sense of control over your life.

Directing All Your Attention

Handling overwhelm this way is not for the fainthearted. It means resisting deep instinctive and cultural tendencies. For Paula to clear her office, she must reject the idea that every book is an irreplaceable treasure. For Sonya to feel less swamped by obligations, she must learn to say no, even when it strains a relationship. The reality of the 21st century is that you simply can't fit in every social obligation you think you "absolutely have to." We evolved to live in relatively small groups of, say, 50 individuals; you probably have three times that many contacts, through e-mail alone, every single day. Guarding against surfeit is as essential for us as guarding against scarcity was for our ancestors. You can use attention-focused missions to trim all sorts of once rare, now overabundant items from your life. Use the strategy in restaurants, to eat only until you're satisfied, rather than stuffing in extra calories, as any primitive human would rightly do. Use it to toss clothing you haven't worn for years, or to pass a sale rack without buying some shiny, attention-grabbing, utterly unnecessary object. Use it to prevent overwhelm in any of the countless situations that make you go mind-blind. I'll use it right now, to verify that fact I was checking when interrupted by the Very Excited Pug. As soon as I remember what it was. The Focus Test For a dramatic demonstration of attentional blindness, watch the video on this website. You'll see a brief clip of students playing basketball. First, watch the film and (this is crucial) count the number of times the white-shirt team passes the basketball. Don't come back to read the next page until you've finished counting. Spoiler alert: If you haven't finished the video, I'm now going to ruin the surprise. Several seconds into the film, a person in a gorilla suit walks into the frame, thumps his chest, and saunters off. The vast majority of people who are busy counting the white-shirt passes simply don't see the gorilla. Don't believe me? Try it on a friend.

How to Relax Now (Damn It!)

Oprah.com | From the October 2002 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Lisa Kogan on why taking it easy is so hard.

I fill my bathtub with bubbles, just like Doris Day in Pillow Talk. I light a zillion cream-colored candles, just like Barbra Streisand in A Star Is Born. I play soothing music over high-quality headphones, just like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. But why stop there? I place thin discs of fresh cucumber over exhausted eyes just like Maggie Smith in Gosford Park. And in no time at all, I let my mind begin to wander, just like Jessica Lange right before they institutionalized her in Frances. The water is warm, the lights are low, the music is enchanting, and here is what I'm thinking: How did my medicine cabinet get chipped? What exactly is a loofah and why in God's name do I own two of them? Have I only been in here three minutes? What time is tomorrow's ideas meeting? How does a woman live more than 40 years without having one idea for tomorrow's ideas meeting? My life is ridiculous. I need a new bath mat. Is that my doorbell? Is that my phone? Why is there war? How do I get candle wax off the side of my tub? Have I only been in here three minutes and 26 seconds? Shouldn't my fingers be pruney by now? I hate my clothes. I hate my hair. I hate my towels. I hate my ability to eat more than one hamburger in a sitting. What if I never come up with another idea and I lose my job and I'm forced to live on the street without a place to recharge my electric toothbrush and my eyes go bad and I can't see that single white hair growing out of my chin and I start scaring little kids who refer to me as Old Bloody Gums Kogan and I die alone clutching my two unused loofahs and how the hell can I have only been in here for three minutes and 57 frigging seconds??? All my life, people have been urging me to relax. They put a hand on my knee to steady my shaking leg. They take me to the cockpit and introduce me to the

pilot. They make me skip the nightly news and the daily paper. They offer glasses of merlot, cups of chamomile, sticks of gum, prescriptions for Ativan. They tell me about the wonders of yoga, the miracles of meditation, and a topnotch shrink in Murray Hill. It makes me very, very tense. An intervention is stagedfriends invite me to five days at a spa, and before I can protest that I'm much too busy, I find myself on the vacation I didn't think I could afford to take. Arizona is crazy beautiful. The air is perfumed with rosemary and purple sage, the mesas are dusted with pale cocoa earth, and at sunset the sky turns to mother-of-pearl. There's prickly-pear marmalade and men in white Stetsons, grand canyons and lonesome doves. My elusive search for serenity has brought me to Miraval, a spa that seems to want nothing more than to see me unwind. Rumor has it that another spa in the area searches your luggage for hidden Pringles and peanut butter cups. Miraval asks only that you be aware of what you're eating and make a point of savoring it. They believe in living mindfully, that people who are getting all the tender loving care they need will want to be good to themselves, and they provide the trainers, nutritionists, therapists, and aestheticians to help. The relaxation techniques that felt like a tedious waste of time in Manhattan feel like manna from heaven in Tucson. I am massaged with hot stones, pedicured with hibiscus, exfoliated with sea salt, anointed with oils, sunshined, sauna'd, steamed, stretched, peeled, lotioned, lathered, conditioned, polished, fed, and massaged some more. I nap, swim, read, chat, stroll, breathe deeply, sip mango iced tea, and nap some more. I avoid cell phones, e-mails, faxes, traffic jams, the frantic ticking of my biological clock, and any form of media in which I'm likely to encounter a warning from John Ashcroft. My neck slowly reappears as my shoulders slide down, my jaw unclenches, my lower back unknots, my fingers stop curling into fists, my chakras get unblocked, my chi gets released, my mood gets lifted. I become a wet fettuccine noodle in a white terry cloth robe. Nothing can faze me. The sky is falling? You don't say. The world is hurtling out of control? Praise the Lord and pass the sunblock. I develop an involuntary smile that borders on the idiotic. I don't want to leave. There's a pretty decent chance that I won't be coming home to a large, cheerful staff waiting to unblock my chakras and release my pent-up chi. Nor will there be a chef preparing insanely delicious low-calorie desserts. So the question is this: How much bubble wrap must I be encased in to maintain this newfound tranquillity? After one month back in the big city, I believe I have the answer: All the bubble wrap and mango tea in the world won't make the chi flow after I receive a few jolts of the same stress that caused me to flee in the first place. But if Miraval has taught me anything, it's that I have the power to help myself feel better, and if I can't completely eradicate stress, I can at least get to a place where missing a green light doesn't make me homicidal. I toss my Chinese take-out menus (hailed as one of the largest collections in North America) and invest in a copy of Conscious Cuisine: A Harmony of Flavors for a Life in Balance, by Cary Neff, Miraval's brilliant executive chef. I cook and freeze on Saturdays and come home to healthy meals all week long. I promise to treat myself to one massage a month and an occasional facial to boot. I return to the little things that used to make me happy, like swimming and walks in Central Park. I learn to unplug my

phone for 20 minutes or so every night and curl up with a good book. I buy the new Tom Waits CD and play it in place of the latest in reality television. I meet old friends for Sunday brunch. I swear never to let a year go by without building in some sort of vacation. And every now and thenafter a particularly harrowing dayI settle into a warm, relaxing (four-minute) bubble bath.

The Weary Woman's Manifesto

By Kathleen Norris Oprah.com | From the July 2003 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

In the face of fatigue, one woman committed a radical act: She rested.
I am a high-energy person, and the first time I went on a spiritual retreat I assumed I would be able to accomplish many things that were difficult to do in my everyday life. Without phone calls, other interruptions, and the responsibilities of family life, I reasoned, I could read the books I'd been longing to read, I could sit and think and write. To my dismay, I found that for the first two days I did little but sleep. I managed to stagger off to morning, noon, and evening prayers with the monks and go to meals but often napped afterward.

When I tried to read in the evening, my eyes kept closing, and by 8 P.M. I was ready for bed. When I complained to an elderly monk about having no energy, he responded, "Oh, we hear that all the time from our guests." He added casually, "Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is sleep." I was shocked. I had just been given permission to rest. It was permission I seldom granted myself. Even as a toddler, I resisted taking naps because I didn't want to miss out on anything. My poor mother, who must have longed for some free time, quickly learned that if I slept in the daytime, it was a sure sign I was ill. And here I was, in my mid-30s, being told that sleep was good for my soul. In a way, it felt like liberation. I was free to say yes to the weariness that had seeped into my bones. Until I was in my room at the retreat house, in fact, experiencing silence and solitude for the first time in weeks, I had no idea I was so tired. I have since learned that this is a common experience among retreatants. We push ourselves so hard in our ordinary, workaday lives, and we become very good at pretending we're just fine, ready to face the next demand, take on the next task. But just a few moments spent alone in quiet reflection are enough to reveal our true condition. "My God, I'm tired," we say, as our house of cards collapses. If we're lucky, we can give in and rest without feeling guilty. We can stop doing and concentrate on being. But it's not easy. There's so much to do, so many legitimate demands to meet. Why surrender to my lack of energy when I could reinvigorate myself any number of ways: take a brisk walk, drink a glass of orange juice or a cup of coffee. Isn't it just laziness on my part if I give in and do nothing? Normally, I feel that it's important to keep going. In this I take after my mother, who at 86 is in the gym of her condominium every morning at 5:30 and attends a tai chi class three times a week. On the rare occasions when she has no energy, my mother complains. The last time it was because she had a head cold, and I advised her to take it easy. To my amazement, she stayed in bed most of the day. The next morning she phoned to say that although she did feel better, she still didn't have the energy to exercise. "Stay in bed," I said. "But I did that yesterday," she replied, indignant. I hope that I will have something of her outlook at the age of 86. But sometimes I have to admit that I simply need to rest. I need to listen to my body when it tries to call a halt, and above all I need to remember that I am not so important in the scheme of things that I can't give up control (or the illusion of control) long enough to take time out. It's hard for me not to feel guilty when my energy isn't up to the tasks at hand. But I've found it is surprisingly easy to alter my plans, to reschedule a meeting, evenand here I do battle with my most basic instinctsto put off until tomorrow something I could do today. Today I would do it badly. Tomorrow, God willing, I'll be more rested and alert, and I'll be able to do it right. The trade-off is that sometimes I have to give up events I would love: a concert, a movie, a dinner with friends. If I can't reschedule, I lose out. I have also had to set some ground rules. If I lack energy because I haven't slept well, I might change my habits in the evening so that I am more ready for

sleep. If I've worn myself down with too much activity, I try to pace myself. And if I sense that my weariness is more than physical, if I find myself disconnecting from the world in an unhealthy way because of emotional exhaustion or depression, I seek help. I now understand that the old monk's wisdom was grounded in that of the Psalms he'd recited every day for more than 60 years. The Psalms remind us that whether we are full of energy or drained of it, we are in God's presence. Several Psalms imply that it's when we are asleep, and not so full of ourselves and the noise of our lives, that we are best able to hear God speak to us. In Psalm 16 we read, "I will bless you, Lord. You give me counsel, and even at night direct my heart." When I can truly accept being drained of energy, I see it not as an opportunity, because that implies too much control on my part, but as an opening. It's as if a window has opened, or a door, inviting me to listen. It is liminal (literally, "threshold") time, the fertile ground between waking and sleeping, between doing and being. It is when I am half awake, before my listmaking brain takes over and pretends it's in charge, that my best ideas come. But on my off days, when I am stripped of energy and feel too stupid even to think, all I can do is pray. I might pray for those whose energy is sapped by serious illness or the depredations of old age. I might turn to the Book of Common Prayer and try to adopt the bravado of one of my favorite morning prayers: "This is another day, O Lord.... If I am to stand up, help me to stand bravely. If I am to sit still, help me to sit quietly. If I am to lie low, help me to do it patiently. And if I am to do nothing, let me do it gallantly."

The Way to Deal Coolly With Everyday Disasters

By Betsy Carter Oprah.com | From the November 2004 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Stay calm in any situation by learning the lifealtering secrets of equilibrium.

One afternoon when I was barely 6, I was watching my favorite television show, Rootie Kazootie. As the credits rolled at the end of the half hour, an adult voice came on and said that we had just seen the end of poor Rootie; the show had been canceled. Devastated, I locked myself in the closet where I had spent many happy hours with my glow-in-the-dark Rootie Kazootie button. I cried and carried on until my mother finally coaxed me out. "Honey," she said, wiping the tears from my face, "you've lost your equilibrium." Because English was not my mother's native language, she learned to speak it with a studied precision, as many foreigners do. To her, equilibrium meant exactly what the dictionary said it meant: a state of balance or equality between opposing forces. What she had witnessed was her daughter hijacked from her normal domain of good cheer and delivered to a cave of bats and dark crevices. This trafficking back and forth has stayed with me through adulthood, so much so that the word equilibrium has taken on a physical presence in my imagination. I see it as a seesaw, weighted on one side by e-q-u-i-l and the other by b-r-i-u-m, both teetering on the pivot of the slender I in the middle. It's up and down and up again, depending on which side of the I my fortunes unfold. These days I'm not as easily flummoxed, but every now and again, a technological screwup such as deleting a file by mistake on my computer can rock my equilibrium. A few weeks ago, I was preparing tomato sauce as a treat for my husband. I spent two hours chopping, sauting, and simmering. Then I poured the ingredients into a blender. I blended. As I went to pour the concoction into the frying panyou guessed itthe bottom of the blender fell

out. It was as if the person on the e-q-u-i-l side of the seesaw had jumped off and catapulted the poor sucker on the b-r-i-u-m side into a gloppy sea of tomatoes and onions. My equilibrium wasn't just lost; it was hopelessly drowning. As I went berserk, my dog hid under the desk in the living room. Then my husband came into the kitchen to see what the ruckus was all about. A large man, he got down on his hands and knees and, with a soupspoon, started scooping up salvaged bits from the floor and plopping them back into a bowl. Suddenly, what had seemed so overwhelming became hysterically funny. I got down on the floor with him, and the two of us scraped up the remains between tears of laughter. My equilibrium had resurfaced. Ever since the Rootie Kazootie incident, I've wondered what it is that gets lost when you lose your equilibrium. Is equilibrium like a feathered hat or a woolen glove, something you can misplace in the blink of an eye? Where does it go, and how can you get it back? Herbert Benson, MD, is the Bill Gates of the equilibrium world: His is the first name mentioned when the subject comes up. The founding president of the Benson-Henry Institute for Mind Body Medicine in Chestnut Hill, Massachusetts, he wrote a book in 1975 called The Relaxation Response, which has sold more than four million copies. He explains loss of equilibrium like this: "When things are bothersome or unstable, that creates the stress state." He defines stress as any situation that requires you to adjust. To adjust is to change, and change is always difficult. In response to stress, our blood pressure rises, our hearts pound. Often we feel hostile, angry, and that's just the beginning. According to Benson, even though there is no drug that can immediately get us back on even keel, we do possess the opposite response, the relaxation response, which corrects the harmful effects of stress. Imagining a Where's Waldo? solution, I called Benson to ask how a person can locate this response. "Prayers, words, mantras, songs, crocheting, swimming, exerciseanything that involves repetition," he says. "When other thoughts come to mind while you're doing the repetitions, ignore them. Break the train of everyday thought." It reminds me of the way cranky children are given a time-out and removed from the context of what is causing their irascibility. "The break allows the body to rebound and return to its innate sense of quiet," says Benson. Just as it is the body's inclination to heal itself when it is hurt, so does the body naturally want to return to a quiet state, even when we burden it with worry and agitation. "If you're religious, you can say that sense is God-given. If you're not, you can say it's derived from evolution. In a way, it doesn't matter. The capability is within us." (The techniques are also on his website: massgeneral.org/bhi). After I get off the phone with Benson, I spend a couple of irritating hours trying to fix my failing printer. Any other day, I'd figure a way around the problem. But today I am on a deadline, and I can feel my heart pound and my guy on the seesaw getting ready to bolt. Taking Benson's advice, I desert the printer and

go to the pool at my gym. As I swim my laps, the thoughts of printers and deadlines get lost in the ripples of water. When I return home, I take out the instruction manual and nail down the problem, grateful to Benson that I hadn't acted on my earlier impulse to bang on the printer with my fists. I sit down, no noise in my head, finish the assignment, and print out a copy before e-mailing it off. A few days later, a friend recommends that I speak to James Baraz, who is one of the founders of the Spirit Rock Meditation Center in Marin County, California. I figure that Baraz, who has been teaching meditation for 25 years and does a lot of counseling with teenagers and families, ought to know something about equilibrium. In Buddhism, he explains, equilibrium is one of what they call the four divine abodes, the best places for your heart and mind to find a resting place (the others are loving-kindness, compassion, and joy in the happiness of others). He tells me that upekkha, the Pali word for "equanimity," or keeping a well-balanced mind, is at the heart of his teaching and his practice. I tell Baraz about my image of the seesaw: how it dips to one side or the other in response to life's little surprises and, much to my own frustration, occasionally bounces out of control. Baraz gets the image immediately but says that the goal isn't to keep the seesaw level at all times. "It's not about getting to one place where things are just fine and there are no mess-ups," he says. "Life is more dynamic than always having calm and peace." He says that if we expand our definition of equilibrium, then dropping pots and collapsing in a heap of laughter on the floorthat is, the tiny daily adjustments and the bigger swingsbecome part of the whole experience of equilibrium. "There can be something healthy about going crazy," he says. You can scream and freak out, or you can laugh at the absurdity. Realizing you have that choice can be enough to effect a shift. "In an instant, the situation can change," he says. "You're in on the joke, not the butt of it." I live in a city where people screaming and freaking out are regular public occurrences. But I think of the last time I was stuck on the subway on a hot afternoon in July. We were coming up to the Museum of Natural History when the train shrieked to a halt. The car, filled with tourists and day campers, went dark and the air-conditioning shut down. I could see people start to fidget and wipe their brows in a nervous, exasperated way. I braced for another collective meltdown, but all of a sudden one of the counselors started to sing "Do Your Ears Hang Low?" The kids joined in. The tenseness drained from people's faces, and what only moments ago had felt like banging on the gates of hell had now turned into a sweet recital of children's voices. Just like that, as Baraz had said, we weren't the butt of a joke played by the gods of municipal transit. We were in on it. Phillip Moffitt writes a provocative column for Yoga Journal and is the coauthor of The Power to Heal. He is also the founder and president of the Life Balance

Institute in Tiburon, California, where he counsels people who have reached a high level of success yet are still searching for a deeper meaning in life. When I track him down, he elaborates on Baraz's point. "Equilibrium is being in disequilibrium but trusting yourself to come back to balance," he says. "If someone says something to you that makes you angry and insecure, you're in disequilibrium. Your cheeks flush, your stomach clenches. As soon as you let those feelings take over and you react from the hurt or anger those words have caused you, things can rapidly escalate." Anyone who's ever fought with a sibling knows how an instant response (or instant overresponse) can happen. "If you're comfortable thinking, 'I'm really upset,' then you're okay," says Moffitt. The trick is to try to react in ways that dampenrather than exacerbatethe extreme movements of the seesaw. Or, as Moffitt says, "Equilibrium is thinking, 'I'm in this state now; I must act as best I can.'" ***** Just a few days ago, I was back in the kitchen. This time it was pesto. I pressed the button on the Cuisinart to blend the ingredients, but nothing happened. It was dead. There I was with a bowl full of basil, pignoli nuts, and garlic, and three people expecting dinner in about 30 minutes. At another time I might have lost my you-know-what. But I didn't. I told myself it was okay to feel a small clutch of panic in my throat, and then I started to sing along with the CD that was playing. I watched the moment pass and could feel my equilibrium glow inside me as bright and shiny as a Rootie Kazootie button. Pizza would have to do.

How to Find Your Emotional Balance

By Liz Brody Oprah.com | From the April 2003 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

We all seek emotional balance, but what exactly does that mean?
There's no 98.6 of the mind, no 130 over 85 for mood pressure. And, although the popularity of drugs likeProzac and Zoloft might lead us to believe that brain neurotransmitters can be mixed like a smart martini (one jigger of serotonin, two of dopamine...), so far no one has come up with a cocktail for happiness. Most of us know, however, what it feels like to be emotionally out of whack. Patience rubbed bald, making the slightest irritation unbearable. No energy to care about anyone else's difficulties. A shuttered outlook, leaving you increasingly closed to both pleasure and possibility. Now is the time to attend to your inner fitness, says LLuminari, O's team of 15 doctors and wellness expertswho are coaching us toward greater health. It doesn't take decoding the genome to prove that when you're feeling good about yourself, your body stays in better shape and your general condition is more resilient. "The people who age best are those who have positive things happening in their lives and positive feelings," says Norman Rosenthal, MD, a clinical professor of psychiatry at Georgetown University School of Medicine and the author of The Emotional Revolution, which details the latest science of emotions and argues that they profoundly affect your health and survival. Forty to 55 percent of a happy disposition is genetic, studies suggest, but the rest can be learned. It may be helpful to think of emotional balance as mastering a surfboardhoning the ability to take life's gnarliest waves without wiping out, while catching the good ones and riding them all the way to shore, enjoying every last splash. What it takes to stay on the board will vary for each of us. Outwardly, life delivers different ups and downs; inwardly, there are many styles of maintaining equilibrium.

To dive in, the LLuminari experts suggest first giving yourself an emotional checkup, then practicing a few basic mood-stabilizing techniques, and finally determining, if appropriate, when it's time to get help. "Some days are tougher than others," says surgeon Nancy Snyderman, MD, the author of Dr. Nancy Snyderman's Guide to Good Health, "but if you generally love waking up in the morning, you're in a good spot. If you're not, challenge what's amiss and see how you can fix it." Step 1: Emotional Checkup Sit down with a calendar and ask yourself how you've been feeling over the past couple of weeksdepressed, anxious, joyful, angry? Do you seem uncharacteristically blue and lethargic? If yes, can you see a good reason for it? The questions may seem obvious, but if you don't ask them, Rosenthal says, "it's easy to shove the problem out of your mind." Next check your expectations. The big mistake people make is confusing emotional balance with happiness, says Alice Domar, PhD, director of the Mind/Body Center for Women's Health at Boston IVF and the author ofSelfNurture. "The huge number of people on Prozac in this country includes many, I think, who were experiencing life's ups and downs normally but had an expectation of constant happiness," she says. "A normal life means feeling pretty satisfied with the way things are, having some moments of joy and some moments of sadness and anxiety." Next: 6 ways to find the keys to balance Step 2: The Keys to Balance No matter where you are on your emotional surfboard (even if you're off it), these mood-steadying strategies make for easier riding. 1. Mind Rx: Taking a breakimaginary or realcan help settle emotions on a bumpy day. 2. Daydream: "When you think about pleasurable things like sex or food, PET scans show different patterns lighting up in your brain than when you think about work or something unpleasant," says Mehmet Oz, MD,director of the Cardiovascular Institute at Columbia Presbyterian Medical Center. 3. Fake it: Research shows that when you put on a smile, even a forced one, your mood often follows. Hold your head high, walk confidently, pretend you're Serena Williams after winning the Grand Slam. 4. Listen to music: Put on a pair of headphones and let yourself get carried away. 5. Go to a bookstore and just browse. "Look at travel books, photography books," suggests Byllye Avery, founder of the National Black Women's Health Project. "Dip into some fiction and let your mind go there."

6. Run away: Spas are ideal, Snyderman says (when she books herself for a quick getaway, she tells her kids to "call only in an emergencyand homework doesn't count"). But you can also escape to a friend's house for the weekend, get in the car and just drive, or take a day to be a tourist in your own town. Next: When nothing else works: Knowing when to seek help Step 3: Do You Need Help? Depression and anxiety, which often occur together, may be pulling you offkilter, and subtle symptoms can creep up on you without your realizing it. With mild depression, you might get your work done and perform all your other duties but have trouble mustering enthusiasm for any of it. Getting ready to go to a party often requires a gargantuan effort (although if you can manage that hurdle, you're capable of having a good time). And when little things go wrong a train is late, a friend cancelsyou can be totally knocked off course. With mild anxiety, you worry about things that most people don't: If there are rumors of a management change at the office, you'll stay up all night thinking about it while everyone else waits for more information before getting worked up. You wish, perhaps, that you were more easygoingsometimes your fears keep you from trying things. In both cases, the LLuminari experts recommend the following: 1. Meditation: A proven treatment for anxiety, and, to a lesser extent, depression, "it lowers blood pressure and heart rate and counteracts the secretion of stress hormones like cortisol," Oz says. "We use it in the hospital for anxious heart surgery patients and for post-op depression." 2. Yoga: The mental focus, breathing, and limbering postures combined into one activity work like a multivitamin for inner stability. 3. Reorganization: Look at your daily schedule and sort out what gives you pleasure and what stresses you out. Then think of every way possible to remove the latter from your life. 4. Saint-John's-Wort: Although a large study funded by the National Institutes of Health recently suggested that this herb has no effect on severely depressed people, more than 20 studies, mostly in Europe, show that the herb helps alleviate mild depression. Christopher Hobbs, a clinical herbalist and consultant to the herb industry who has written 22 books, including Herbal Remedies for Dummies, says the optimal dosage is 300 milligrams three times a day (of a formula with 0.3 percent hypericin), although a small person might try twice a day. He also says it may take four to six weeks to notice any effects. Caution: If you're on any medication, consult your doctor before trying Saint-John's-Wort, because it has been shown to interfere with a number of drugs, including some types of chemotherapy and possibly birth control pills. If none of these strategies make you feel better after six weeks, you may want

to consult a mental health professional. Certainly, if you're having trouble functioningwork is suffering, nothing excites you, you've stopped seeing friends, your mind is racing, you can't even get out of bedyou should go straight for help.

Make Peace With Your Body: O's Foolproof 3-Step Guide to Self-Confidence
By Liz Brody Oprah.com | From the May 2003 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

You know that tape of self-criticism that loops in your headabout your weight, what you eat, and how much? It's time to let it go.

Call it tough love. But if you hate your body, now is the time to do something radical: Get over it. Especially if there's a daughter in the house.

The truth is, many of us are in abusive relationships with our bodies, internally beating ourselves up every time we gain a few pounds, externally jeopardizing our health with crash diets, binge eating, even serious surgeries. Poor body image is passed on like a computer virus from mother to daughter, its disadvantages well documented: low self-esteem, sexual promiscuity, smoking (weight control being a major factor in the rise of smoking among teenage girls), and eating disorderswhich can kill. LLuminari, O's team of 15 doctors and health experts (most of them female, many with daughters and body issues of their own), urges you to break the cycle. No one's saying it's easy. Our culture, with its fixation on subzero supermodels and the invasion of Botox, clearly belongs to the young and the fleshless. (Do we really need a movie to remind people that real women have curves?) But Madison Avenue isn't going to fix the warp. Men don't seem headed for sudden indifference to Gisele and Maxim covers. The diet industry will no doubt keep us jonesing for ultralean as long as Americans spend more on weight-loss products than some countries' entire gross national products. The whole media machine is not going to change course: When magazines use plus-size fashion models with some meat on them, most women turn the page. Our mothers, often unwittingly, have driven these messages homeif not by harping on our weight or looks, then by their own grapefruit-and-cottage-cheese diets or anxieties about physical inadequacies. "Kids are sponges," says Nancy Snyderman, MD, author of Girl in the Mirror: Mothers and Daughters in the Years of Adolescence. "A daughter sees that her mother is beautiful and doesn't like herself, and thinks, 'What does that mean for me?'" "The eyes of others our prisons; their thoughts our cages," Virginia Woolf once wrote. It's up to us to escape with our self-esteem intact. If we don't, we and our daughters will remain hostage to our culture's belittling messages.

Alice Domar, PhD, director of the Mind/ Body Center for Women's Health at Boston IVF, insists that, despite the strong cultural craving for thinness (not to mention big breasts, small waists, long legs, pouty lips), you can break free and retrain yourself to have a more positive body image. Step 1: Think Twice Pick a day and write down all the negative things you say to yourself about your body. For example, "I'm so fat, I'm disgusting," or "Why can't I look like I did ten years ago?" Then challenge each thought with three questions: 1. Does the thought contribute to your stress? (Surely the ones above do.)

2. Where does it come from? When you were young, did your father say, "Aren't you getting a little pudgy?" Was your mother obese, and did that embarrass you? Was she hyper about her weight and self-critical when it crept up? Are you bombarded with images of women on TV and in movies who never seem to age? 3. Is your thought a logical one? Okay, it may be accurate to say that you weigh more than is healthy for you, or more than you'd like. But how about the emotional tags disgusting, unlovable, old? "Some people concentrate on hating their bodies because they can't bear to deal with the real issues that are troubling them," says Marianne Legato, MD, a professor at Columbia University College of Physicians and Surgeons and the author ofEve's Rib. Whether or not that's the case for you, Domar points out that there's a huge leap of logic between overweight and disgusting. If you saw a woman your size, would you feel ill or think she should look the way she did ten years ago? "We don't use the same kind of language about ourselves that we do about others," she says. "We're much kinder to others." Has insecurity held you back from enjoying sex? Stopped you from attending a beach party or wearing shorts? "If you let your looks inhibit you, your body can't do as much," says Pepper Schwartz, PhD, professor of sociology at the University of Washington in Seattle and the author of The Lifetime Love & Sex Quiz Book. "And so younot nature or happenstanceare costing yourself a great deal." Write a list of what you're missing out on. Step 2: Make New Rules Try writing out this list and taping it somewhere you'll see it all the timeyour full-length mirror, perhaps, or your refrigerator or desk. Several of the LLuminari experts agree that to cultivate self-respect, it's helpful to define some guidelines. You may want to declare in writing what you won't say and won't hear about the female body, yours included: 1. I will refrain from speaking disparagingly about my own body and weight, even during female-bonding moments. ("I can't believe I ate all that," "I look like a pig.") 2. I will avoid making negative remarks about the appearance of others. ("She shouldn't be wearing those pants," "She's porked out lately.") 3. I will consider ending a relationship with any man or woman who causes me

to feel terrible about my body or tries to control me with comments about my looks. Other tactics to try: Arm yourself with comebacks to negative remarks about your weight, Domar suggests, like: "Why do you feel it's necessary to say that? Is it your business?" Or "How would you feel if somebody said that to you?" Or "I'm very aware of that fact. I'm trying to do something about itand your comment isn't helping." For one week, try not to mention appearance at all when you greet or refer to other women. Identify them by something they do. Watch the adjectives you use when describing women you admire, especially in front of girls. "Dainty. Elegant. Petite. Delicate. Those were the deadly words for me," says nutrition and metabolism expert Pamela Peeke, MD. "When I was young, my mother would point to Audrey Hepburn and say how delicate and gorgeous she was. I was tall and athleticthrow me a ball and I'd shoot hoops. But all I could think was, 'Why couldn't I have been born delicate?' Audrey Hepburn? She was my birthweight." Focus on developing and celebrating your own unique style. In a study by the Melpomene Institute, which does research on women and physical activity, 52 percent of girls with a poor body image almost always compared their appearance to others; only 4 percent of girls with a healthy body image did. Step 3: Start Moving and Make Peace with Food If you want a shortcut to positive body image, start moving. "Experience the absolute joy of trusting your body and the knowledge that it works beautifully with all your muscles fully developed," urges M. Ellen Mahoney, MD, a breast cancer surgeon in Palo Alto, California. "And pass that gift on to your daughter." Mahoney excelled at sports until a questionable spinal operation after high school stopped her in her tracks. "Today I'm a crooked little dumpling," she says. But inside she's still that fierce athlete, which has gotten her through years of chronic pain and disability. "When you have athleticism, it's more than keeping a body healthy. It's a state of mind, a self-image, a way to overcome the inevitable things that happen with aging and the extraordinary things that come with bad luck." Rather than changing what you eat, try to change your relationship with food. "Think about some of the messages you got from your mother," Domar says. Did she love to eat and cook? Or was she counting every calorie? Were meals

a way to share affection? Or times of tension and arguments? Try to separate your mother's issues and hang-ups from yours. Take the following steps: 1. "Eating may be your way of rebelling, handling stress, squelching anger, finding comfort," Domar says. Keeping a diary may help: Every time you put something in your mouth, record what you were doing before that moment and how you were feeling both physically and psychologically. After a week or two, look for patterns. Can you determine the triggers, other than hunger, that prompt you to eat? 2. Once you recognize what pushes your emotional hunger buttons, start devising alternate responses, like taking a walk around the block, listening to a relaxation tape, or jumping into a hot shower. 3. Make meals more social. Sit down to dinner with family, a friend, a partnerno TV, no reading material. Sharing a good, healthy meal is nourishing both physically and emotionally, leaving you fully satisfied and it sets a good example for children. "In our house, this is nonnegotiable," Snyderman says. "It's not just about the food; it's also about community, bringing people to the table." 4. Try to remember that food is what fuels your body, and your dreams. "Many women are afraid of 'bad' foods," Domar says. "There are no bad foods. Food is not the enemy. And the more you can stop beating yourself up for eating, the easier time you'll have controlling your weight."

15 Healthy Habits for Today, This Week and This Month

Good music every day. Making time for good friends every month. Get hooked on a few simple-sounding but always powerful new routines. Today: Rejuvenate Your Mornings (in Just 7 to 10 Minutes) Dr. Oz started practicing yoga when he was in medical school.He was also working in a high-traffic clinic, and discovered that a daily practice helped him cope with stress. "Yoga helps clean blood of waste material (through lymphatic stimulation), and trains us to loosen muscles and joints that are ignored in our day-to-day lives," Dr. Oz says. He still kick-starts every day with a seven-minute sun salutation. "Routines like sun salutation get the blood flowing as we warm up and free our body to experience the new stresses we will face. ...For people like me, meditation proves difficult because our mind wonders.

But if we can concentrate on the tension in our hips as we empty our mind, then we are well on the way." Spend More Time on Your Teeth Even if you already spend too much time in the bathroom, you've got to make sure you get in about two minutes of brush and floss time. Gingivitis and periodontal disease cause inflammation in your body and aging of your immune and arterial systems. Daily flossing and brushing not only remove the unsightly broccoli florets stuck in your teeth, but they reduce the risk to your heart as well. Also, get a professional cleaning every six months to have your gums checked and protected. Break Your Daily Soda Habit Dr. David Katz says that a cup of tea can infuse you with antioxidants instead of the wallop of sugar you get in a can of soda. Green, black and especially whitedrink it hot or iced: all offer the powerful nutrients and a boost of caffeine. Dr. Katz says that if diet soda (better) is your vice, opt for water (best) as your thirst quencher of choice. There is no better beverage than water to help you stay hydrated, which is important in keeping body systems running well. Diet soda quenches thirst, but some experts still worry that its artificial sweeteners may be linked to cancer. Dr. Katz's main concern with them is that they propagate a sweet tooth, which leads to more sugar intake and the overall deterioration of the diet. Make the Most of Your Commutewith Music On your commute home, don't read or listen to the news, but opt for listening to your favorite tunes instead. Oliver Sacks, MD, the noted neurologist and author, says that research suggests that the simple act of singing can be good medicineespecially as we age. Research has shown that improvements of mood, behavior, even cognitive function once created by music can sometimes persist for hours or even days. Add More Flavor to Your Food Your spice rack is full of beneficial, anti-aging powers. The every day superstars? Dr. Oz says research shows that cinnamon can decrease blood sugar levels and lower cholesterol, especially in people with type 2 diabetes. Paprika and cayenne pepper can help fight high blood pressure and improve circulation. In lab studies, he says, eating rosemary has been shown to improve learning rates in ratsdata that has been reproduced in humans. Even ginger can decrease blood pressure, alleviate arthritis pain and reduce your risk of cancer.

Create a Nighttime Ritual for Better Sleep It's your greatest energy sourceand most of us are deprived. Firstly, prepare your room for your body's rest. Dim your lights several hours if possible to avoid artificial light pollutionTV, computer, etcthe less stimuli the better. Decide when you want to wake up and count backward about seven hours. Now take about a 15-minute period before that to start your slowdown process. That means taking five minutes to finish up must-do chores, followed by five minutes of hygiene stuff (flossing,washing your face and so on) and five minutes of relaxing into your sleep state through things like meditation. This Week: Shop Smarter at the Grocery Store Dr. Katz says we could all improve our health on a weekly basis if we remember a few key strategies when we shop for food. Firstly, never trust the packaging. "Just because it says 'reduced fat' or 'smart choice' doesn't mean it's good for you," he says. Also, make sure to scan the ingredients. The first few listed are the most abundant, so steer clear of partially hydrogenated oils to avoid an increase in heart disease, stroke and diabetes risk. Try to stick to 3 grams of fat per serving (or per 100 calories). And fiber is your fulfilling friend. For any type of carbohydrate, you want to see at least 2 grams of fiber per serving, and ideally 3 or more. Eat Healthy Fish Fishespecially fatty fish like salmon, and white fish like cod and bassis high in omega-3 fatty acids, which have several powerful benefits. They appear to reduce triglyceride levels in the blood (high levels cause plaque buildup in the arteries), stabilize the heartbeat (reducing irregular rhythms), make platelets less sticky (reducing clotting) and may bring down blood pressure as well. Some studies have suggested that eating fish once a week cuts your risk of a heart attack in half. The best fish are those with the least mercury and PCBs. Look for wild, line-caught salmon (almost all canned salmon is wild salmon) mahi mahi, catfish, flounder or sole, tilapia and whitefish. Have More Sex According to a Duke University study, if you have more than 200 orgasms a year (that's 2 to 3 times a week), you can reduce your physiological age by six years. Among the benefits of having sex often, Dr. Oz says, is that it can prove that your body is functioning as it is supposed to. "But in addition, having sex with someone that you care for deeply is one of the ways we achieve that Zen experience that we all crave as human beings," Dr. Oz says. "It's really a spiritual event for folks when they're with someone they love and they can consummate it with sexual activity ...seems to offer some survival benefit."

Watch Out for Weekends Too We can stick to a routine during the week, but on weekends, it's easy let loose. Make a plan for your weekend eating, starting with Friday night. What are you going to eat for meals? What are you going to snack on? How will you make healthy choices at a restaurant or dinner party? If you maintain healthy habits over the weekend, you won't spend the beginning of your week making up for bad choices. This Month: Schedule Your Doctor Appointments "The best way to reduce stress is advance planning," says Alice Domar, PhD, co-author of Be Happy Without Being Perfect and executive director of the Domar Center for Mind/Body Health. The experts of LLuminari, a group of doctors, researchers and women's health advocates, recommend very specific appointments for optimal preventive care based on your age. If you have a medical condition or a family history of certain diseases, talk to your doctor about what's right for you. Stretch! Post-workout stretching is critical to ensure healthy joints and muscles. Writer Carol Mithers attempted to do all the basics that require taking better care of yourself: consistently eat right, get enough sleep, exercise, floss, etc. Although challenging, she found some major payoffs by week three. "My exercise routine was getting easier (and if the music was particularly raucous, even enjoyable). Just 10 minutes of stretching afterward was loosening me up dramatically; in the car one afternoon, I looked over my shoulder to change lanes, and my neck didn't hurt. What I'd thought was arthritis and something I had to accept as part of getting older had simply been unstretched muscles." Enjoy Your Friends Socializing releases oxytocin, a chemical that can help combat stress hormones and lower your blood pressure. Whether it's spending time with dog lovers, book club buddies or siblingswhatever group you likejust knowing you're not alone can go a long way toward coping with stress. Boost Your Mood with Home Improvement Do you smile when you walk in the door? Research shows that factors like light, space and room layout affect physical and psychological wellbeing, and is creating a buzz around this new intersection of art and science. Pick a home project to get those endorphins pumping.

Manage Your Tech Life Stressed-out from too much sending and replying, writer Katie Goodman did what the rest of us only dream of: She quit email cold turkey for 30 days. Weeks later, she was a new (and much improved) woman. That said, we know work emails can be inescapable. Martha Beck suggests staying afloat the flood of texts, tweets and emails by first examining every item with two questions: 1) Is this task absolutely necessary to keep my life afloat, and 2) Does this task buoy me up emotionally? If the answer to either of these questions is yes, do the deed. If not, do nothing.

Balance? Schmalance!
Oprah.com | From the April 2003 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

It's five o'clock in the morning. I've been awake for about 23 hours, having struggled vainly to fit in writing between yesterday's tasks: getting the car fixed, taking the dog to the vet, answering email, grocery shopping, driving my kids to music lessons, seeing clients, picking up deli sandwiches for dinner, and cuddling a 12-year old through some of the horrors of puberty. I finally sat down at my computer around midnightand looked up just now to see the sun rising.

Since I'm up, I decide to set a historic precedent by preparing breakfast. All goes well as I awaken my children and head to the kitchen, at which point I remember how much I hate to cook. I even hate to toast. The kids arrive, yawning, and ask what I'm planning to serve them. I think for a minute, then say, "We have Oreos." My children roll their eyes. "We have cocaine," I venture. I'm pretty sure they know this is a joke. I've never seen cocaine, much less tried italthough frankly it's beginning to sound like a good idea. Isn't that how Sigmund Freud got so much done? Understand three things: (1) I don't have a job. I freelance, which means I procrastinate and get away with it; (2) my children are not young. They walk, talk, bathe, diagnose their own viruses; and (3) I'm kind of supposed to be an expert at combining career and family. I conducted years of sociological research on the topic, wrote a big fat book about it. Plus, I'm a life coach. You'd think I could live a balanced life as a 21st century American woman. Ha. In fact, having done all that research, I can tell you with absolute assurance that it is impossible for women to achieve the kind of balance recommended by many well-meaning self-help counselors. I didn't say such balance is difficult to attain. I didn't say it's rare. It's impossible. Our culture's definition of what women should be is fundamentally, irreconcilably unbalanced. That's the bad news. The good news is that the very imbalance of our culture is forcing women to find equilibrium in an entirely new way. Henry David Thoreau's classic book Walden recounts two years the author spent living in solitary harmony with the wilderness. The book's premise is that all humans could live simply and naturally, as Thoreau did. As a teenager, I love Walden. Years later, as an exhausted working mother, I learned something Thoreau failed to mention in his journal: The entire time he was roughing it, his mother and sisters helped care for his needs, hauling in food and hauling out laundry. The reason Thoreau didn't write about this is that he took it for granted. Like most thinker's of his generation, he saw "women's work" as a product of natural female instinct: Birds fly south for the winter, and women show up to wash men's underwear. Okay, so I'm a little bitterbut only because this attitude pervaded American culture well into my own lifetime. Early American feminists fought for the right to participate in the workforce by assuring everyone that it was easy to do women's workperhaps with one's toes, while simultaneously performing jobs traditionally reserved for men. I once believed this, and I have the colorful medical history to prove it. Women of my generation thought we could have everything; experience taught us we could have everything but sleep (one sociologist who studied an early cohort of working mother's wrote, "These women talked about sleep the way a starving person talks about food"). Bringing home the bacon and frying it up in a pan while never letting hubby forget he's a man turned out to be a logistical challenge to rival the moon landing, but without support from Houston. Three Ways to Lose Your Balance I spent the last decade of the 20th century interviewing American women and

found that no matter how they sought balance, virtually none of them attained it in their culturally prescribed role. Some of these women were like Meg, a stayat-home mother who sacrificed her career to care for her children, only to feel devalued by a society that equates professional achievement with fundamental worth. Others resembled Laura, a 43-year-old lawyer who never got the marriage or children she'd always expected. Laura's heart ached every time she attended yet another baby shower. At work, married people dumped extra work on her, figuring she had no life. But most of the women I spoke to were like Stephanie, who had a good job, two children, and chronic fatigue. For years Stephanie's boss complained that her work was inadequate because of the time she devoted to her family, while Stephanie (and her relatives) worried that her children were suffering because of the energy required by her work. All of these women were haunted by the fear that others were judging them negatively. They were right. Our culture does belittle women who cannot be both professional high-achievers and traditional moms. It questions the devotion of women who attempt to combine the two roles. My conclusion? Balance, schmalance. Trying to establish a harmonious equilibrium between our society's definition of What a Woman Should Be is like trying to resolve the tension between two hostile enemies by locking them in a room together. But there is hope. The Joy of Being Unbalanced If someone condemned you because, say, you failed to prevent Hurricane Andrew, you wouldn't dissolve in shame or work to overcome your inadequacy. You'd probably conclude that your critic was nuts, then simply dismiss the whole issue. That's the wonderful thing about seeing that our society makes impossible demands on all women. You free yourself to ignore social pressures and begin creating a life that comes from your own deepest desires, hopes, and dreams. You'll stop living life from the outside in and begin living it from the inside out. That's what happened to Meg, Laura, and Stephanie when each lost her balance in a dramatic way. Meg, the stay-at-home mom, hit the end of her rope when her husband left her for a "more accomplished" coworker. Laura's turning point was an emergency hysterectomy that meant she would never have the baby shower of her dreams. Stephanie finally realized she was trying to do the impossible the day her mother-in-law scolded her for working too much and she was fired for being too concerned with her personal life. These women described moments when they really "got" that the expectations they'd been trying to fulfill were unfulfillable. This epiphany was terrible, because it meant relinquishing the goal of total social acceptance. But it was also the beginning of freedom, of learning to seek guidance by turning inward to the heart, rather than outward to social prescriptions. After her crisis, Laura discovered a passion for gardening that led her to quit her corporate job and start a floral nursery business. Meg spends her time contributing to the local schools and developing relationships that help her see her own value. Stephanie got a new job by developing a proposal that showed how she could add value to a company while working from home.

On the surface, these aren't revolutionary acts. But they filled each woman's life with authenticity and satisfaction. If you feel trapped by contradictory demands, you may want to join this gentle rebellion. You can help create a new cultural paradigm, one that replaces conformity with honesty, convention with creativity, and judgment with kindness. That, in the end, is the gift of the disequilibrium that society has bequeathed to all of us. Being forced to seek balance within ourselves, we can make our unsteady, stumbling days feel less and less like disaster and more and more like a joyful dancethe dance of a wildly, wonderfully, perfectly unbalanced life.

Dr Oz's 5 Simple Ways to Fight Seasonal Allergies

Oprah.com | February 14, 2011

Smart, simple ways to lessen your sniffles and sneezes this spring.
Miserable, incurable, and afflicting at least 35 million of us, spring allergies are fast approaching. They kick in when the immune system, mistaking pollens for harmful substances, responds by triggering the release of chemicals including histamines (the source of watery eyes, sneezing fits, and runny noses). On the bright side, an allergic response is the sign of an active immune system, and research has found that allergy sufferers have lower rates of many types of cancers. Still, allergies should be managedthey can lead to sinusitis if left uncheckedso with spring upon us, here's my advice.

Keep allergens out. Pollen can collect on your clothes, skin, and hair, and be tracked into your home, where it mixes with household dust. A shower and change of clothes will cut down on the irritants you inhale. Keeping windows closed and turning on the air-conditioning can also reduce allergy symptoms by filtering out pollen (just be sure to follow the manufacturer's instructions for cleaning the filter). Perk up puffy eyes. The histamines released during an allergy attack cause blood vessels to dilate, making eyes swollen and watery. For quick relief, try cold compresses or eye creams whose ingredients include caffeine; cold and caffeine both reduce swelling and help you look and feel better. Watch the weather. High winds and low humidity allow more pollen to become airborne. Under these conditions, try to stay indoors between typical peak pollen hours of 5 A.M. and 10 A.M., or at least take allergy medicine before heading outside. Understand your meds. Many people confuse antihistamines and decongestantsthe go-to treatments for allergy sufferersbut these two medications affect the body in very different ways. Decongestants are for immediate relief; they work by contracting the small blood vessels in the membranes of your nose, slowing the flow of mucus. Antihistamines, however, work throughout the body to block the effects of histamines in the first place (which is why they work best when taken before symptoms occur). Go natural. In addition to the raft of prescription and OTC allergy medications, there are a number of natural supplements that may be effective in quelling symptoms potentially with fewer side effects. (As with most supplements, talk to your doctor before taking them.) The herb butterbur has been found in some studies to work as well as antihistamines do, minus the drowsiness. Another herb that may help is stinging nettle, which research indicates can work like an antihistamine. Ideally you should begin taking these supplements (both available as capsules) before symptoms develop; try to start several weeks prior to allergy season.

4 Workout Mistakes and How to Fix Them

By Bonnie Tsui Oprah.com | From the December 2006 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

The gym is one place you should curb your instinct to multitask. God knows the machines are boring, but using the time to read the newspaper or catch up on work really cuts down on calorie burn, which is why you're there, says Michael Olajide Jr., fitness expert and cofounder of Aerospace High Performance Center in New York City. Here, the most common calorie-wasting habits and how to rehab them.
Extended Warm-up There's nothing wrong with stretching, but it can eat up precious calorie-burning time if you take forever. "The best type of warm-up is one in which you emulate your exercise but to a lighter degree," says Olajide. In other words, do the same move but without the intensity. For example, if you're going on a jog, walk briskly for two minutes first, or before going full force on a stationary bike, do a couple of minutes with minimum resistance. At the end of the workout, slow down for three to five minutes before you stop and stretch. Reading or Watching TV While on a Cardio Machine Diverting your mind from your workout generally slows physical activity, says Alan Russell, director of the Health Sciences Institute at the National Academy of Sports Medicine. One form of entertainment, however, may actually boost your energy output: "Using music is the most efficient way to keep up intensity, especially if you can program your own," says Olijade. A fast beat motivates us to sweat off a few more calories.

Standing Around Between Exercises Too much of a break reduces the effectiveness and intensity of your workout because you're giving your muscles a chance to rest. Jump rope while you're waiting for someone else to finishe up on the machine you want, Olijade suggests. Or prework the muscles you'll be using: "If you're on line for the treadmill or stairstepper, do calf raises and squats." Using Weights That Are Too Light Rushing through a lot of reps with a comfortable resistance may feel like exercise, but many fitness experts say it's a waste of time. Three sets of 10 to 12 reps per body part with a heavier weight will give you better results than will three easy sets of 20, says Russell. Choose a weight or resistance strong enough so that the last couple of repetitions are challenging but not so difficult that you can't complete them or that you lose control of the movement. You not only up your calorie burn but also build lean body mass, which helps boost your metabolism.

Smart Moves: O's Foolproof 4-Month Fitness Plan

By Liz Brody Oprah.com | From the March 2003 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Miriam Nelson, PhD, one of our Lluminari experts, suggests a few minutes of strengthbuilding exercises every other day.
Month 1: Five Minutes of Chair Squats Stand in front of a chair with your back to it, feet slightly farther than hip width apart, toes pointed out slightly. Cross your arms over your chest and lean forward a bit from the hips. Pulling your stomach in and keeping your back straight, lower your butt onto the chair. Pause. Stand back up into your original position, keeping the same posture. Five Minutes of Sit-Ups Lie on your back, knees bent and feet flat on the floor. Place your hands behind your ears at the base of your skull. Focusing on the ceiling, use your stomach to slowly lift your shoulders, neck, and head one to three inches off the floor. Week 1: Do two sets of five chair squats every other day. Week 2: Do two sets of five chair squats and sit-ups every other day. Week 3: Do two sets of ten squats and two sets of five sit-ups every other day. Week 4: Do two sets of ten squats and sit-ups every other day. Month 2: Back Extensions Lie facedown on the floor. Extend your left arm straight over your head with your palm on the floor; keep your right arm down along the side of your body, palm faceup. The tip of your nose should touch the floor so your neck and spine form a straight line. Slowly and simultaneously, lift your left arm, chest, and right leg off the floor about four or five inches (keep your chin slightly tucked and look at the floor). Pause for a breath. Slowly lower back to the starting position. Do five reps and switch sides, lifting your right arm and left leg. Toe Stands In sneakers, stand a foot away from a wall or behind a sturdy chair, feet about 12 inches apart. Rest your fingertips lightly on the wall or chair for balance. Slowly, counting to three, raise your heels off the floor as high as you can. Stay up there on the balls of your feet for another count of three. Slowly lower to starting position. Week 5: Do two sets of ten squats and sit-ups, plus two sets of five back extensions on each side (20 all together). Week 6: Add two sets of five toe stands.

Week 7: Do two sets of ten reps of the squats, sit-ups, and back extensions on each side, plus two sets of five reps of toe stands. Week 8: Do two sets of ten reps of all four moves. Next: You're halfway there! Only two more months to go Month 3: Modified Push-Ups We're talking your basic push-up butnot to worrywith knees on the floor. Step-Ups Stand facing a staircase with your left foot on the first step, leaning slightly forward from the hips (don't bend at the waist). Pulling up and forward with your left leg, bring your right foot up to the step; tap the toes of your right foot on the stair, pause for a second, then step back down. Keep your left foot on the step until you complete all reps; then switch sides. Week 9: Do your established routinetwo sets of ten reps of squats, sit-ups, back extensions, and toe stands. Add two sets of five push-ups. Week 10: Do the above plus two sets of five step-ups on each leg (20 reps altogether). Week 11: Do two sets of ten reps each of squats, sit-ups, back extensions, toe stands, and push-ups, and two sets of five reps of step-ups. Week 12: Do two sets of ten reps of all six moves. Month 4: So far, the strength routine includes six moves every other day. "Now it's time for some weights," says Miriam Nelson, PhD, director of the Center for Physical Activity and Nutrition at Tufts University. Add two moves with three- to fivepound dumbbells (use more weight if this is easy) for your arms. Biceps Curls Stand with your feet hip-width apart, hands down at your sides holding the dumbbells, palms facing in toward your legs. Keeping your elbows gently pressed against your sides, bring your forearms forward and up until the weights are at shoulder height with palms facing in toward your body. Lower back down. Overhead Presses Sitting in a chair while holding the dumbbells, bend your arms so the weights are in front of you at shoulder height, parallel to the floor (the inner ends should be just in front of your shoulders), palms facing forward, away from your body. Now slowly press the dumbbells up until your arms are straight. Don't lock your elbows, and don't aim for exactly above your head; the weights should end up

slightly forward. Pause, then lower. Week 13: Do your established routinetwo sets of ten reps of squats, sit-ups, back extensions, toe stands, push-ups, and step-ups. Add two sets of five biceps curls. Week 14: To the above, add two sets of five overhead presses. Week 15: Do two sets of ten reps of the first seven moves, plus two sets of five overhead presses. Week 16: Do two sets of ten reps of all eight moves.

16 Ways to Make Your Workday Healthier, Happierand Oh-SoFulfilling

By Liz Brody Oprah.com | From the March 2003 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Isn't it odd how the mere action of finger tapping, keying in those same 26 letters over and over again in endless variations, seems to whip up a rabid

appetite by 11 A.M.? No wonder offices are stocked with more candy than pencils. And what's with modern desk-chair design? Sit in one at the beginning of the day and you're down for the duration. Not all of us spend more than half our waking hours (count them) rooted to office furniture, cultivating obesity. Some of us work on our feet all day, drumming up varicose veins; others live off airplane trays, grabbing sleep between time zonesnone of it exactly health promoting. Job stress alone is known to cause heart disease, depression, and musculoskeletal problems. And levels of stress-related illnesses are nearly twice as high for working women as for men, because of factors such as continuing discrimination, sexual harassment, and the burden of home demands, according to the National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health. Even those of us in dream jobs find ourselves hydroplaning between career and Other Life (family, friends, culture, reading, sex, leisure), afraid that if we slow down anywhere we'll skid out of control. Admittedly, you can't always change jobs. But there are many ways, some of them quite easy, to make your work environment a lot healthier, according to the LLuminari group's 15 doctors and women's wellness experts. Slipping a little exercise into the day, for example, is like spraying oneself with stress repellent. And busting up the sugar-caffeine cartel helps prevent those short-lived spikes in productivity that are followed by the decline of civilization as you and your coworkers know it. Simply buying a flower every Monday morningone lily or narcissuswill make your cubicle smell nice for the whole week. Having grappled with weighty careers themselves, the LLuminari experts here offer their best work-improvement ideas. Most important: To make a good living, the emphasis should be on the "living."

To-Do: Stay Healthy!

1. Find out what kind of flexibility you have at your job. If you stay late Monday nights, could you take Friday afternoons off? Maybe one day a month you can work from homeand that's the day to schedule the plumber, electrician, furnace repairman. 2. Sit on a big exercise ball instead of a chair. You'll save your back and feel more energetic. Ask whether your company will do an ergonomic assessment of your workspace. Many do. 3. Look away from the computer screen every 45 minutes to relieve eyestrain. And stand up for a minute every hour to avoid low-back pain. 4. Pick a special day to celebrate yourself. Have a picnic lunch with a coworker, schedule a mammogram, skip out for a quick shopping spree. 5. Don't wait to inhale. If your boss or a deadline sends you into a panic, do a mini-meditation, suggests Alice Domar, PhD, director of the Mind/Body Center for Women's Health at Boston IVF and the author of Self-Nurture: Close your eyes and take a slow, deep breath; imagine you're lying in a field, or just focus

on your breathing. If that doesn't work to dispel the anxiety and help you deal with the crisis, Susan Love, MD, medical director of her eponymous Breast Cancer Foundation and the author of Dr. Susan Love's Menopause & Hormone Book, suggests an alternative approach: Ask yourself, "What's the worst that could happen?" You might say, "The boss will yell at me." Then ask again, What's the worst that could happen? You yell back? You apologize? The point is, Love says, "No one's going to die." 6. Wash your hands every time you pass a sinkit's the best way to avoid catching the current office bug. If a coworker comes in coughing or feverish, encourage her to go home. 7. See the light. If you feel lethargic, depressed, and carb crazy at work, poor office lighting may be giving you mild symptoms of seasonal affective disorder (SAD), says Norman Rosenthal, MD, an expert on SAD at the Georgetown University School of Medicine and the author of The Emotional Revolution. Try a desk lamp designed for SAD sufferers (you can find them for $225 to $250 at SunBox.com and Amazon.com), and make it a point to get outside for lunch. 8. Control your e-mail time. Block off five or ten minutes a few times a day to open and answer messages, and if possible avoid reading them as they pop into your box. 9. Leave it behind. When you head home for the day, walk or commute without mulling over work (we dare you!); if you drive, listen to music. "Feel the freedom of walking away and going to another area of life," says LLuminari CEO Elizabeth Browning. 10. Ask for help. If you're in a bind, see if a coworker will pitch in for you with the promise that you'll cover for her the next time she's in a crisis. 11. Make sure you're not working too hard. This can be tricky, according to LLuminari experts, some of whom have trouble figuring it out for themselves. "Maybe this is a time in your life to pull out all the stops," Browning says. "Michelangelo didn't paint the Sistine Chapel between nine and five." Are you comfortable with the effort you're putting in? Orand here's where the long hours get unhealthydo you have such a heavy workload you practically need to sleep at the office to get your job done? Then again, are you using work to avoid being at home? Is your job the only thing that gives you a sense of selfworth? Depending on your answers, you may want to talk to your boss about delegating some of your responsibilities, or to a therapist to address the problems that are driving you to live at the office. 12. Ask yourself once this month what you want to be when you grow up. Is it what you're doing now? If not, can you take more pleasure and pride in your job, even if it's only helping you pay the bills for the moment? Is it time to reinvent yourself? 13. Schedule a 30-minute break into your workdayfor tomorrow. Write it down in your calendar or PalmPilot, tack it up on your bulletin board next to what to

do in case of fire. If a half hour is tough to swallow, start with ten minutes. But tomorrow, take that break. Doctors' orders. 14. If you work in a high-rise, take the stairs every time you have to go up or down five flights. At lunch choose a restaurant that's a 15-minute walk away. Hurry there and back (you'll have more time to eat), and you can get one and a half or even two miles under your belt. 15. When you make a phone call, stand on one leg. "I balance on my right foot for as long as I can. And when I get fatigued, I go to my left," says surgeon Nancy Snyderman, MD, the author of Girl in the Mirror. It strengthens your legs and keeps your balance sharp. 16. Get up and walk around the block once a day to break the routine and clear your mind. Take a friend with you for extra stress-busting.

10 Invisible Fitness Moves (No Gym Required!)

Oprah.com | From the July 2010 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Weights schmeits. You don't need equipment to tone up with these moves (and better yet, no one even needs to see you sweat!). You can reenergize your workday (or a trip to the

supermarket!) with the simple, hassle-free exercises below.

For Your Arms
1. Grocery Bicep Curls If only you could get to the gym as often as you find yourself at the supermarket! Happily, it's possible to shop your way to fitness. Reebok master trainer Petra Kolber suggests this simple strategy to strengthen biceps: As you load your groceries into the car (or as you unload, or after you've schlepped the bags into your kitchen), do 10 to 15 biceps curls with one half-full bag in each hand. 2. Chair Push-Ups David Kirsch, owner of the Madison Square Club in New York City and author of Sound Mind, Sound Body(Rodale), says you can tone your upper arms (known unaffectionately as bat wings) without leaving your desk: Grab the armrests of your chair, elbows bent at a 90-degree angle, and push yourself up, straightening your arms to do minilifts (your butt raises off the seat). Do three sets of 15 to 20 reps two or three times a day, and you'll soon notice a difference. 3. Dictionary Lifts To strengthen your shoulders (and give them that nice "cap" that goes so well with sleeveless tops), try this while sitting at your desk: Grasp a heavy dictionary or laptop in front of you with straight arms (don't lock your elbows); then lift it from the desk to shoulder height, hold for a few seconds, and lower. "Do this for 12 to 15 reps per set, and do two or three sets, three to four times a week," suggests Tracy York, Los Angeles-based trainer and costar of the video Breakthru Pilates Plus. "If you sit up straight, so your back is unsupported by the chair, you'll also engage your abdominal muscles."

For Your Balance and Posture

4. Instant Stabilizer Next time you're waiting in line at the bank or grocery store, try this tai chi move to improve your balance, suggests wellness expert Scott Cole. The horse stance: Stand erect with feet parallel and shoulder-distance apart, then breathe in, exhale, slightly bend your knees, and settle down into your body. Focus your attention on a point two inches below your navel, and relax into your breathing for a few minutes. Do this on a daily basis, says Cole, and you will not only feel more balanced during other activities but also stave off joint problems and arthritis that may come with aging. 5. Bend and Snap Your spine gets very unhappy slumping forward all day. Years of bad posture can lead to an aching back, an unflattering silhouette, and in time, nastier problems like compressed disks. To reverse the curve, Conrad Earnest, PhD, director of the Center for Human Performance at the Cooper Institute in Dallas, suggests standing up, placing your hands on your buttocks as if putting them in your back pockets (thumbs facing out), and then arching back just two inches or so (stretching any farther hyperextends your back; not a good thing). Hold five seconds, release, and repeat two more times. Try this every few hours, says Earnest: You'll feel better, and your back will be stronger and healthier for the long term. 6. Tummy Tuck Who better than a professional belly dancer to tell us how to get those abs ready for midriff baring? Rania, creator of the video Cardio Shimmy, says you can do the "belly squeeze" at your desk, in the car, or in front of the TV. Take a deep breath and relax all your abdominal muscles, then exhale and pull them in as hard as you can, holding for several seconds. "Try to feel every muscle squeezing," says Rania. "This is something bodybuilders do to give their abs more definition. It really works the muscles." Aim for three sets of eight squeezes a day and you'll soon see resultsand notice, no one said "sit-ups."

For Your Butt and Legs

7. Glute Squeeze If fanny spread has begun to seem like an occupational hazard, try this glute

squeeze, suggested by Nancy Kennedy of Kennedy & Strom Fitness in Los Angeles: Sit straight in your chair, abdominal muscles tight, and squeeze your buttocks together for three to five counts, release for two, then repeat 15 to 20 times for a set. Try to work in three or four sets a day, and you'll definitely feel a "tighter, higher tushie" in a month or so, says Kennedy. 8. Mini Leg Lifts The next time you're just standing around, grab on to something solid (sink, desk, table) and tone your butt, suggests Lydia Bach, founder of the Lotte Berk Method and creator of its video series. Stand straight with one leg slightly in back of you, two to three inches off the ground, foot flexed. Hold for 15 to 20 breaths, then do 20 to 30 tiny lifts, pausing at the top of each lift for a couple of seconds. Repeat on the other side. If you don't feel sore the next day, double the number of reps. "This works both the standing and lifting sides," says Bach. Repeated over time, it's a good investment, resulting in "high, round assets." 9. Leg Resistors Here's a bargainthree body parts worked out for the price of one exercise, and you can reap the rewards without ever leaving your chair (or airplane seat), according to William J. Kraemer, PhD, professor of kinesiology at the University of Connecticut. To tone your inner thighs (body part number one), sit with your feet about shoulder-width apart, and put your hands on the insides of your knees, palms pushing out. Then slowly try to bring your knees together, providing resistance with your arm muscles (body part number two). Do two sets of ten repetitions (each rep should last three to five seconds), then go for number three, the outer thighs: Start in the same position, but place your hands on the outsides of your knees and try to push your thighs outward against the resistance of your arm muscles. Do two sets of ten reps as before. Repeat at least three times a week (preferably daily) to help develop and tone your thigh and arm muscles. 10. Natural Stairmaster Walk on your tiptoes when you take the stairs. According to Los Angeles-based trainer Ellen Barrett, featured in the Crunch: Fat Burning Pilates workout video, you'll tone your calves ("They'll look lifted," says Barrett) and coach your body to maintain good posture. "You can't be on your toes and slump forward at the same time," says Barrett.

The Decade-by-Decade Guide to Exercise

By Carol Mithers Oprah.com | From the October 2006 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

There's a big difference between how we should work out in our 20s and how we should work out when...we're no longer 20. Experts tell Carol Mithers how to find the perfect fit at any age.
If there's a magic pill for staying youthful, it may be one that's hard to swallow: exercise. Daily doses have been proven to thwart a number of aging factors stress, obesity, heart disease, diabetesand the longer you're physically active, the less you'll notice getting older. The catch is that a 50-year-old's body is not the same as a 20-year-old's; you can't push it the same way you once did, nor should you if you want to keep it in working-out order. So listen to these coachesthey're talking not just professionally but also firsthandon how to remain fit, and proud of it, through the decades. In Your 20s: 30 minutes of weight training followed by 30 minutes of cardio 3x a week, plus 45 to 60 minutes of straight cardio 3x a week. One day of rest. The great thing about being in your 20s is that your body is so strong, you can get away with abusing it. The bad thing is that you often do, punishing it with late nights and bad eating habits. And you routinely fail to appreciate what you've got. This is the decade of anxietyfrantic exercise, fad diets, the mad pursuit of pinup perfection and self-hatred when you fail to meet it. The fitness challenge of these years: Get over it. "I tell my young clients, 'Forget looking like Jessica Simpson or Halle Berry, and

forget weight; think health,'" says Jeanette Jenkins, a Los Angelesbased private trainer who has worked with rapper Queen Latifah and actress Taryn Manning. The mistake many 20-somethings make is simply opting for "endless cardio and crunches," adds Vanessa Carver, a personal trainer at Pillar Performance in Encinitas, whose clients include professional ice-skaters and dancers. Lots of cardio is great, she says, especially if you mix it up so you're really pushing the body. But it's weight training that builds muscle definition, not to mention bone density, which will be crucial for staying active later on and preventing osteoporosis. "You've got to lift more than just three or five pounds," she says. "If you can do 10 to 15 repetitions of a weight with no real effort, it's too light. The last 4 or 5 reps should be challenging enough that you feel your muscles getting fatigued." And put your mind into it, she says. "Lifting weights while chatting on the cell phone is a joke." As for killer abs, "it's about subcutaneous fat, not how many crunches you do," says Carver. "There's no secret here: Eat lean meat, lean fish, vegetables, and fruits." She suggests forgoing thousands of bouncy, quick sit-ups for focused core work, which strengthens not only the abs but also stabilization muscles and lower back. One great exercise is the "plank." In a push-up position, balancing on your forearms and toes with legs stretched straight back, pull your belly button toward your spine and hold it tight, keeping your back flat enough for someone to eat off of. Work up to staying there for a full minute. Jenkins also pushes yoga, "which women this age are usually not very attracted to. I want them to learn to be still and to look at themselves from the inside out rather than the outside in." Your 30s and 40s: Exercise is the #1 form of preventative medicine In Your 30s: One hour of circuit training (cardio and resistance) 4x a week, plus at least one day of cardio for 45 to 60 minutes at a high intensity. Take one day off. With the 30s, you start noticing that weight doesn't come off quite as easily as it used to. This is because after age 20, your basal metabolism drops by 1 to 2 percent every decade, and as lean muscle decreases and body fat increases, you don't need as many calories to sustain yourself. "Exercise is the number one form of preventive medicine," says Jillian Michaels, who is in her 9th season of NBC's The Biggest Loser and is the author of Winning by Losing: Drop the Weight, Change Your Life. "You won't see that big a difference between 31 and 39 if you've been living a healthy lifestyle, but if not, you'll see a huge difference in muscle tone, weight, and shape." In this decade, experts agree, keeping fit means working harder. Jenkins favors circuit traininga series of resistance and cardio exercises done swiftly and back-to-back. But however you do it, Michaels advises strength training each muscle group twice a week with two days of rest between sessions. Don't stick with heavy weights/low reps or low weight/many reps, she says; switch it around to keep your body from getting used to the routine. One day of rest a week is crucial. After pregnancy a program like Pilates can be invaluable in "pulling everything

back in and up," says Brooke Siler, whose re:AB studio in New York City has attracted famous figures like Amber Valletta, Madonna, and Liv Tyler. "I especially like exercises that involve standing, because they teach you to fight what nature wants you to do, which is slump," says Siler, the author of The Pilates Body. One of the best antigravity moves, she says, is to stand with heels together, big toes two to three inches apart. Drawing your lower abs and inner thighs in and up, rise onto the balls of your feet, making sure the heels stay glued together. Now slowly bend the knees into a pli, keeping the tailbone straight. Lower your heels to the floor and slowly straighten legs, drawing together your inner thighs and pulling up deeper into your abdominals. Do five reps; then reverse the sequence for five more. Now is the time to make good fitness habits a part of everyday life. "You always want to be standing instead of sitting, taking stairs instead of elevators," says Siler. "I'm constantly aware of how I sit and stand and walk down the street. I'm forever pulling in and up. These invisible workouts are really important for a woman in her 30s. It's how you start preparing your body for what's to come." In Your 40s: One hour of weight training 3 days a week if you do your whole body at once (4 days for half an hour if you split it up), plus 45 minutes of cardio five days a week (it's more than in the 20s and 30s but with less impact and intensity). Take one day off. This is the decade of the triple whammy: gravity, hormones, and yet more slowing of metabolism as lean muscle mass continues to decrease and body fat increases. Even women who don't put on a pound may expand, according to Pamela Peeke, MD, author of Body for Life for Women. "After 40 and certainly after 50, virtually all women find that they gain fat more easily in the torso below the bra, through the triceps area, on the back, and in the belly," she says. "You're not doing anything wrong; your body composition is changing." Cardio work at least three days a week is still important for keeping weight under control, but resistance training is crucial now. "Women should be doing more weight trainingand really going for it," says New York Citybased celebrity trainer Kacy Duke, who is in her 40s. "You have to find the time to do it consistently and train hard." If you're just starting, says Peeke, "you must learn proper formtake a class, get a trainer, make sure someone is there to correct you so you don't get hurt. And add intensity. If you're doing a biceps curl, tense the bicepssqueeze themas you lift. Just when you think you're all the way up, push another 10 degrees." Certain body parts may call out for extra attention. "Pilates can help some with the midsection," says fitness veteran Karen Voight, who teaches and writes a workout column for the Los Angeles Times. To tone the back of the upper arm, she instructs, "get on all fours in a bent-knee push-up position, with fingers facing forward and hands directly under your shoulders. Make sure your elbows point backward when they bend, and lower only halfway, which works the muscle but avoids strain on the joints." Then there's the butt. "For that," says Voight, who is in her 40s, "I'd try squats with weights or stair-climbing. Exercise is different at this age, because everyone has some aches or pains. I hold

positions longer and do things more slowly and with more control. It's about precision and form, not quantity." It's also about enjoyment. "I find exercise that's satisfying on a deeper level," says Donna Richardson Joyner, creator of the video Sweating in the Spirit and a recent appointee to the President's Council on Physical Fitness and Sports. "It's not just about moving my bodyit's about strengthening my mind and my spirit." Your 50s and 60s: Aches and pains shouldn't be an excuse for giving up on exercise In Your 50s: 4 to 6 cardio sessions a week, 20 to 40 minutes each, with an intensity that lets you answer a simple question but not chat, plus half an hour of weight training twice a week, 8 to 12 repetitions of each exercise, or 15 to 20 using lighter weights. Always stretch afterward. If your metabolism feels like it's slowing to a crawl, it's not in your mind. Researchers at the University of Pittsburgh studying 541 midlife women found an average gain of 12 pounds eight years after menopause. We also tend to gain a little potbelly, what Peeke calls the menopot. And other places begin to droop noticeably. "At this point, loss of muscle mass and tone really shows," says longtime fitness expert Kathy Smith. "It can actually start to change your posture." The classic shoulder slump from years of hunching over a desk or computer "will really age you," says Smith, who suggests this stretch: Clasp your hands behind your back at the level of your butt and squeeze your shoulder blades together, pinching your spine. Try, with straight arms, to stretch your fingertips toward the floor until you notice a tug between your ears and shoulders, then lift your hands as high as you can, feeling the stretch in your chest. "If you haven't started weight training, you must," says Smith, "although if you're a beginner, I really recommend guidance. Women in their 70s have doubled their strength in nine weeks. If you feel intimidated going to a gym, you can rent videos to do at home. You want to hit all the major muscle groups, and you can do the whole cycle in 15 minutes if you keep some dumbbells around." Peeke says you should be thinking of adding activity to your life in general. Programs like Shape Up America aim for 10,000 steps a day, about five miles of walking. Regular cardio sessions are important, too, but expect a change in recovery time. "Can I run like I used to?" asks Smith, who climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro in her 50s. "Sure. But can I do the same run again the next day? No way." Other additions to your program should include warming up (for instance, with walking or light yoga stretches) before exercise and more intense stretches (such as sitting spread-eagle and bending forward) after. "Many yoga classes have a heavy stretch component, making them perfect for the body that needs to maintain its flexibility," says Smith.

Yogaalong with tai chi, dance, and the Bosu ball (a soft half-dome used for standing and sitting exercises)is also great for balance, which will become an increasingly important issue. While the physical changes this decade brings may be hard to take at first, ultimately, says Smith, "you shift into an acceptance mode. You change what you can, and live with what you can't. It's a gentler way." In Your 60s: 3 days a week of challenging but not exhausting cardio, such as a slow jog, plus 3 days of weight training, using lighter weights and slower, more controlled movements combined with slow, sustained stretching. Walk whenever possible, and do daily balance exercises. In the 60s, problems like arthritis, bad knees, and spinal stenosis (a narrowing of the spaces between bones that can put painful pressure on the spinal cord) become common. "But aches and pains shouldn't be an excuse for giving up on exercise," says Marilyn Moffat, PhD, a professor of physical therapy at New York University and coauthor of Age-Defying Fitness. "We now know that a decline in strength and fitness isn't entirely a natural consequence of the aging process but is also due to lack of use. We need to push ourselves physically no matter how old we arewe just may need to alter the activity." Adapting a workout routine for the 60s sometimes means giving up aerobic exercise that jars and stresses the jointsfor example, replacing long runs with jogging one or two miles, jogging in a pool, swimming, or riding a stationary bicycle. (Women with bad backs may need to use a recumbent bicycle.) Moffat, who is in her 60s, says that, on average, she walks three to five miles a day because it offers both cardio and bone-strengthening benefits. Resistance training is still important, "but I would not advise anyone to lift heavy weights if it aggravates your joints," Moffat says. And stretching and balance are absolute musts. If you don't stretch now, "by the time you're in your 80s, your joints will have lost their flexibility." One of Moffat's favorite stretches is holding the head tilted earlobe to shoulder for 60 seconds; another (if you don't have osteoporosis) is sitting on the floor with legs straight out in front of you, feet flexed, and lowering your head toward your knees. For balance, she suggests "rising up on the toes of one foot and trying to hold the position for a minute. You can do this while brushing your teeth." In fact, that's a good image for any agethe sooner exercise becomes like brushing your teeth, the longer you'll feel younger than your years.

Into Thin Air

By Cara Birnbaum Oprah.com | From the April 2007 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

A six-day Peruvian trek? Cara Birnbaum wasn't the typegung ho, athletic. Which is why the last thing she expected was a glimpse of the divine.
I'm sitting on a concrete slab in Tinqui, Peru, a strangely ghost-townish village in the Andes. This is a place where otherwise sane people start and end a massive 55-mile hike around a skyscraping mountain called Ausangate. And as I squint through the morning sunlight at the horseman loading my red pack onto a pony, it occurs to me that I am one of these people. Against my better judgment, I have signed onalong with eight other women and two mento do this climb. Three sinewy French trekkers who have just returned from the peak stand next to me peeling off layers of Polartec fleece. They smell like acrid sweat and describe their experience only as "very cold at night." All I've done today is step off a bus, and already I'm exhausted. I am not an athlete. This, in fact, was my mother's stock answer when strangers inevitably asked if her gangly-limbed, five-foot-eight daughter played basketball. She'd feign exasperation, throwing her arms up for effect, but I always sensed her relief.

Thanks to my congenital klutziness and fear of flying round objects, she and my father, with their graduate degrees and New York Timessmudged fingers, would never have to spend an evening in the high school gym bleachers, enduring bad acoustics and the tedium of watching me dribble an orange ball up and down the court. I came of age during the mid-eighties, a decade and a half after the 1972 passage of Title IX, which essentially brought competitive high school and college sports for girls into the mainstream. But at 13, I was wholly uninterested in chasing a ball. I was, however, fascinated by the girls who did. During what was for me the single most awkward year of a pretty awkward life, they blossomed into warriors with powerful bodies and lips that curled ruthlessly into fierce shapes when they cracked their bats across softballs. They had sleek ponytails that bounced when they walked. In high school they grew into the Jockettes, an amorphous clique of girls in Reeboks and oversize sports jerseys. Meanwhile my crowd passed the time at thrift stores or in dimly lit rooms listening to the Sex Pistols. We didn't do softball. Or field hockey. Or lacrosse. My aversion to all things sports related became etched into the loops and whorls of my social fingerprint. True, I'd turned into the kind of adult who dutifully drags her ass to the gym and slogs through the same 25-minute jog three times a week. I write fitness stories for a living, and I know how many calories are burned every minute on the treadmill. But with each Nike billboard I pass on the highway, every blurb I read about the growing legions of women surfers, every once-mortal friend who is suddenly hauling off to triathlon practice (triathlon practice!) five nights a week after work, I'm reminded that I've never once tested my body's limits. Never once fractured a bone or bruised my shins or crossed a finish line. And if you reach your 30s without doing any of that, your chances of ever doing it are pretty slim. So when Miriam Nelson, PhD, the director of the John Hancock Center for Physical Activity and Nutrition at Tufts University, invited me to cover a trek she was leading through Peru's rugged Cordillera Vilcanota mountain range, my first thought was, "I am not that kind of girl." I'm not a marathon runner or a worldclass ice climber, like two other women on the trip. I've never felt a burning desire to sleepand peeclose to nature. Or climb mountain passes at almost 17,000 feet. Or breathe air so thin that I'd have men with horses and tanks of oxygen at my disposal, just in case. Nelson, a lean, blonde bolt of muscle who calls herself Mim, would probably do this stuff every day if she could. When she isn't giving college lectures or appearing on PBS specials, she's skiing in Chamonix, France, or running up steep hills for fun. Together with Lluminari, a brain trust of the kinds of charismatic health experts you see on Good Morning America, she produces weekend wellness retreats and more formidable small-group excursions to, among other places, this remote mountain in South America where she's convinced my inner jock is hiding. The fact that I actually came to believe this proves how persuasively Mim preaches the gospel of athleticism. I can't say why, exactly, I suddenly felt the burning need to climb so high that I might require supplemental oxygenand keep climbing for six days. Possibly for the

same reason Mim's 50-something sister-in-law, Liz, signed up despite her crippling arthritis. Or because of what drew in Lilian and Carola, both in their 50s, both breast cancer survivors. And frankly, the notion that my body might crap out halfway up the mountain that I might succumb to altitude sickness or fall off some rocky precipicedidn't seem to cross Mim's mind. And pretty soon, it stopped crossing mine. I'd been vaccinated against hepatitis A, yellow fever, and tetanus. I'd tapped my local camping store for deep pink Duofold hiking tops, North Face fleece, "smart wool" socks, and khaki everything. (Why are outdoor enthusiasts so okay with this noncolor?) I'd rented a subzero sleeping bag. Then I'd stuffed it all into my pack, along with some energy bars, a roll of toilet paper, and a small bottle of Purell, and left for the other end of the earth. The hike is under way. Tinqui vanishes behind us and Ausangate's snowy peaks emerge against a canvas of blue sky. When the late-day sunlight finally gives way to bracing windsit's July, which is winter in PeruI remember that my down jacket is packed away on one of our horses, alongside the thin tent I'll be sleeping in tonight. In what will become a nightly ritual, we all wriggle into every goose down item available and huddle around a table, eating quickly and desperately, our bodies reeling from the day's climb, our brains anticipating what's coming next. "You burn 3,000 to 4,000 calories a day in the mountains," Mim tells us. By noon the next day, I believe it, as we plod toward a 15,580-foot pass, its moonlike landscape of coffee-colored earth dotted with the odd tuft of pale, prickly moss. Occasionally we see Peruvian women, squinting at us through lined skin. I wonder what they think of us, with our hiking poles, sunglasses, and maps showing that, after climbing and descending for miles and miles, we'll wind up back where we started. They'd think we were nuts. Especially if they knew I could hop onto a horse anytimebut I won't. As the days pass, I eventually watch others assume the saddle, yet somehow, despite my altitude-induced migraines and roiling nausea, I refuse to do the same. If anything, my symptoms harden my determination to push on, to return home with calluses, rock-hard calves, and war stories of being the first, the fastest, the strongest. Because what's the sense in traveling to a mountain on the other end of the earth to go for a trail ride? By the time we approach the last pass of the trek, I've fallen to the back of the line. At this point, I'm too busy trolling for oxygen moleculeswhich are few and far between up hereto care. When we reach the top, there's much hugging and a frantic snapping of digital cameras, as if a one-gigabyte chip has the power to preserve the fleeting moment when ten mortal bodies become divine. Beneath my fleece and down and silk long underwear, I feel my heart pounding against my rib cage, my muscles straining against my skin. Back at our campsite on that final night, I write this in my journal: "This instinct to crawl outside our comfort zones and do things that seem beyond our ability just to

prove that we canis it a human drive?" I'd say soit's a drive to feel that humanness in every cell of our hearts and bones. What else accounts for marathon runners, astronauts, and Venus Williams? These people, I suppose, have always known that the body is an exquisitely designed machine created for higher things than riding in cars, slumping in office chairs, and running in place. The Jockettes knew it, too. It wasn't until I stood on top of the world and crossed a finish line that I figured it out. They say people experience life-changing epiphanies in sacred, windswept places. Here is mineand I think I've shown I'm an unlikely person to make it: We are all athletes. Anyone who has breath in her lungs and muscles stretched over her bones longssometimes consciously, sometimes notto find out what her body is truly capable of. And once that happens, there's no telling what heights her gangly legs will scale.

If It's Tuesday, I Must Be 25

Oprah.com | From the October 2005 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Feeling older than your years? Younger than your years? Martha Beck has a bit of agedefying wizardry to help you rise (even soar) above time.

I feel about aging the way William Saroyan said he felt about death: Everybody has to do it, but I always believed an exception would be made in my case. I suspect you and I are alike that way. I've never met anyone whose "felt age" followed the same steady progression as her calendar age. Children who assume adult responsibilities (worrying about money, protecting siblings) feel old when they're young. Adults under threat feel like children. Almost all my middle-aged and elderly acquaintances, including me, feel about 25, unless we haven't had our coffee, in which case we feel 107. The difference between calendar age and felt age is particularly drastic for us First World, 21st-century folk. In cultures without the medical and labor-saving technologies we enjoy, many 35-year-olds look as withered as most North Americans do at 70. In one century, we've added 28 years to our average life spana change so rapid that our brains couldn't possibly have evolved to accommodate it. Perhaps this is why, starting in middle age, many people report feeling about 15 years younger than they are. Then again, maybe we feel younger because we're so well preservedmaybe 50 really is the new 40 and 40 is the new 30, however annoying it is to hear people announce it. Or it may be that we require 15 years to adequately internalize any age, so our awareness always lags behind our actual history. Whatever the cause, as calendar age plods inexorably forward, felt age zips around like a hummingbird, hovering around certain time periods, zooming right past others, changing direction just when we get a bead on it. We virtually never feel our age, but thinking that we should can lead to disaster. Calendar Age and Felt Age: Chronological Versus Illogical There are several ways to mess up your life by fighting to make your calendar age match your felt age. I live in the Southwest, a part of the country with more than its share of fair skies, material wealth, and people who are trying not to be as old as they are. There's no sight more terrifying than a woman who has recovered from a dozen or so plastic surgeries by tanning in the desert sun. I don't want to sound cruel, but picture a Komodo dragon in spandex. "People don't understand that aging never stops," a plastic surgeon friend recently told me. "Even while I'm lifting a face, that face is getting older." In other words, the eternally 25-year-old person who lives in your body is going to see a reflection in the bathroom mirror that is a little older every day of her life. On the other hand, accepting a felt age that's decades ahead of your calendar age can keep you from fixing something that's broken by factors other than time. For instance, a year ago I found myself perpetually tired and breathless, unable to exercise as hard as usual. I figured I was simply decrepit, but blood tests showed anemia; my first dose of iron supplements took 20 years off my felt age. Similarly, as Joan Acocella noted in a New Yorker article on writer's block, a number of great 20th-century American authors who had problems with alcohol flamed out early not because they were getting older but because they were getting progressively more pickled. Perhaps the saddest (and most common) instance of felt age leaping ahead of

calendar age, though, relates to the accumulation of emotional pain. Since our society equates happiness with youth, we often assume that sorrow, quiet desperation, and hopelessness go hand in hand with getting older. They don't. Emotional pain or numbness are symptoms of living the wrong life, not a long life. The thing I love most about my job is watching people age backward, becoming more lively and energetic as they free themselves from situations that are toxic to their essential selves. Living Through the Ages A corollary to the idea that your felt age might not match up with your calendar age is that you aren't confined to one chronological designation. If your everyoung psyche refuses to accept the fact of physical aging, or if you've resigned yourself to a miserable accumulation of physiological and psychological pain, I suggest trying a particular kind of manipulation: felt age time travel. By performing a few wizardlike quantum leapspretending that your felt age is years or even decades older or youngeryou can visit different life stages, culling what is best from each. Here are some of my most useful era-hopping practices.

Exercise one: Get past the pain. Hint from Sigmund: Whenever you're overwhelmed by a strong negative emotion, your felt age is probably that of a child. The next time you're anguished, enraged, or terrified, ask yourself, How old do I feel? Let a number pop up. This is the felt age of your suffering self.

It's important not to demand that others coddle you like a 2-year-old, though this is what most of us unconsciously expect when we're in the throes of emotional age regression. Instead, use the resources you have now (friends, literacy, a driver's license) to comfort the hurting kid inside you. Become very young for a few minutes, and the child you were will tell you what she needs. The answer could be anything from curling up with an inspiring book to running out the door to catch a matinee. Exercise two: Go back for the good stuff. Caring for your inner child has a powerful and surprisingly quick result: Do it and the child heals. Then you'll find that feeling young can be an absolute delight, full of wonder, curiosity, and joy. I find one of the best ways to visit my own child self is through laughter. It is reported that the average adult laughs 15 times a day; the average child, more than 400 times. I think the felt age of someone who's laughing out loud is always brand-new. Mind you, I'm not talking about the nasty Styrofoam laughter people produce at business meetings. I mean the irrepressible hilarity that arises when we're genuinely tickled, physically or mentally. Scout your environment for things that

spark this kind of spontaneous mirth. Collect them. Fill your home with them. Right now I'm within spitting distance of countless things that tickle me: people, books, cards, dogs, songs, photographs, silly newspaper clippings, Web sites, and, of course, medication. All right, not medication, but it amused me to write that down. Score one for my toddler self. Exercise three: Tap teenage torridness. What laughter is to childhood, sex is to adolescence. Now take three deep breaths while vividly remembering the best sexual experience you ever had. Don't worry about whatever happened afterwardyou had twins; he got a sexchange operationjust recall the physical details of that fabulously unforgettable encounter. Notice how your breathing deepens and your muscles begin to relax. You may start to feel a delicious melting sensation as your body shuts off stress hormones, replacing them with the elixir of love. Congratulations: You've just retrofitted your body to operate more like it did when you were a teenager! This kind of time travel helps you understand why your mom's best friend lost 20 pounds doing the tango when she had her affair. It will remind you why luring your sweetheart into a midnight rendezvous is well worth the lost sleep (as Romeo put it after his all-nighter with Juliet, "The sweeter rest was mine"). Whatever your calendar age, by recalling a passionate encounter, you reawaken the vitality of adolescence, without the acne. And, I've found, it's often why my single clients finally hook up with the man or woman of their dreams. Again, we get it backward; we think that attracting the right person will make us feel young, but really it's feeling young that helps us attract the right person. Exercise four: Discover the wisdom of the ages. Here's an exercise that reaches forward in time, rather than backward. Think about the worst aspect of your present life situation, a problem you're not sure you can solve. Now invite a visitor into your presence. The visitor is you, age 150. But, you may be thinking, I probably won't live to see 150. Precisely. The visiting You has already died physically, but your consciousness is still intact, radiantly alive. This much older You remembers everything about your history, without any fear. (By the way, you don't have to believe in life after death for this to work. Just play it as a game.) Watch the future You for a while. Notice how relaxed this self is, how free from stress or anxiety. Then ask about the situation that's currently worrying you. Say, How on earth did you handle this situation? Ask, What did you do when you were in my shoes? Say, When will I be happy again?

This exercise has gotten me through more tough times than I can count. I've learned from my 150-year-old self how to write a book, earn a living, survive the loss of friends and family members. She always has an answer and a little courage or comfort to give me, even when I have none (and she never gets tiredI'm telling you, the woman is spry). Your future self is waiting for an invitation to visit you with similar advice. Extend that invitation by letting your felt age zoom into the future, instead of trying to force it backward into youth. There are infinite variations of these exercises. Armed with imagination and desire, you can jump to any phase of the life cycle. Each time you heal a childhood wound, feel a toddler's boundless hilarity, an adolescent's passion, or the wisdom of an elder self, you bring the best aspects of that experience into the present. You become a wizard, free to enjoy every stage of life but trapped by none, able to age backward, forward, and sideways at will. By gathering all ages together, you'll define yourself in a way the calendar never can.

'If it's not happening now, it's not happening.'

Learn to Love Your (Naked!) Self

By Amy Bloom Oprah.com | From the July 2007 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

If you feel self-conscious without clothes, let a smile be your sarong.

The first time I really thought about nakedness, about my own naked body in particular, about the fact that animals were always naked, and people almost never were, I was in my neighbor's swimming pool. I was around 8 and the older kids had gone to get snacks and dry towels. The adults were doing adult things. I was the only person in a 50-foot-long blue basin filled with 80-degree water. I slipped off my shoulder straps and suddenly rolled down my suit, caught it with my toe and flipped it onto the cement edge of the pool. I did the breaststroke for one lap and my own myopic, lifted-head crawl for another. For however long it takes three kids to make bologna sandwiches and find beach towels, I was in a new world, like the first man on the moon, had Neil Armstrong been given to giggling. No one had mentioned this world to me. I went from pajamas to underwear to clothes every morning and back the other way every night. And somehow no one had said anything to me about what a good time was to be had between pajamas and underwear. After my Saturday of Nakedness, you might think there'd have been no stopping me. There was plenty stopping me: my parents, both of whom appeared, even in my dreams, fully clothed; school; boys; cold weather. But when I could, I'd lie under our willow tree, shielded by its long green curtain, and read P.G. Wodehouse and Dorothy Parker in nothing but my socks. Naked and laughing. Middle age has not improved my appearance (I know there are women who turn 50 and become superbly fit, entering marathons and climbing Mount McKinley; I am not one of them), but it hasn't cost me much, either. I still tend to think, as a friend of mine once said, if I'm naked and smiling, I figure he's a lucky man. At this stage, the body's like a face: It tells the story of who you are and how you feel about it. And I would say to any man or woman, if you find yourself getting naked with someone who says anything uncomplimentary (or even neutral who the hell wants neutral at a time like this?) about you and your parts, get up, put on your clothes, and go home. Of course he's only kidding; sure, she's just making an observation. No and no. In fact, if they don't make you feel beautiful, go home. Best Naked Saturday Since I Was 8: The man I love is standing in front of me, in our bedroom. He's not naked; he's actually more than naked: He's wearing an undershirt, a very wide, white, and necessary mesh-and-Velcro lumbar support wrap, and the navy blue socks that are usually hidden by his suit trousers. His boxers are off because he's coming to bed; his undershirt and socks are on because his terrible back pain makes both the reaching up and the bending over difficult. He looks at himself in the mirror and laughs out loud. He puts his black fedora on his head and models the whole look for me. Naked and laughing. Can't beat it.

What Scares Women About Getting Older? Everything!

By Michelle Burford Oprah.com | From the October 2005 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Worried about losing your looks, your money, your marbles? Michelle Burford gets solace, perspective, wisdom, and a few laughs from 10 voices of experience.
Because I come from a long line of women whose financial dependence rendered them voiceless in their relationships with men, I decided early in my life that I would always work. Hard. Enough so I'd never have to beg any man

for a dime. At 33 I find this pocketbook-for-one existence exhilaratingas in taking a trip to Tuscany on a whim, no husband to consult. What I hadn't counted on was no husbandperiod.

This article is part of Oprah.com's 2011 Feel Good Challenge. Join now and move closer to the life you want! As the footlooseness of my 20s has given way to the start of an era my ob-gyn labels "advanced maternal age," I am evermore consciousfearfulof how life as a single woman might feel at 35. Forty-eight. Fifty-three. Sixty-nine. What if I turn out to be a penniless spinster, too senile to care for myself? How will I handle the ache, the space between episodes of intimacy? What if I haven't squirreled away enough cash to buoy me through retirement? What if I never have a partner, children, or grandchildren to share my days with? What if I end up utterly alone? Intellectually, I know that life is ultimately uncertain. So why do my insides long for a policya backup plan? Because I know this is a society that prefers the taut glutei of a 20-year-old to the sagging chin line of an AARP member. And I'm afraid, because a world that worships youth and dismisses the elderly will ultimately throw me away, too. Turns out I have company. When we asked on oprah.com, "What scares you about aging?" the dozens of women who respondedfrom ages 13 to 77 revealed similar anxieties. "I can handle anything but Alzheimer's!" wrote one. "How will I survive alone if my husband has a stroke?" e-mailed another. Time and again, the same fears popped up. Dementia. Caring for sick parents. Zip-o money at retirement. Menopause. Loneliness. Declining sexual interest and attractiveness. Wrinkles, wrinkles, and more wrinkles. I invited some of the wisest women I know to get real about agingto talk honestly about how they've dealt with their own fears and what they've learned by living through them. This is how they reassured me.

"What if I never marry or have children?"

Rachel Naomi Remen, MD, 67, clinical professor of family and community medicine at the University of California, San Francisco School of Medicine and author of Kitchen Table Wisdom and My Grandfather's Blessings: "I have

encountered two of women's greatest fears: I've been single all my life, and I've had Crohn's disease [a chronic inflammatory bowel disease] for the past 51 years. I always wanted to be a mother. I was one of the girls who played with dolls until I was 12 or 13 years old. I had the names of all my children picked out. Having a family was a major life dream. When I was diagnosed at age 15, it became clear that dream might not play out. Then as the clock ticked down toward 40, it was even more clear I probably wasn't going to be a mother. Because of my illness, it was very difficult for me to maintain a relationship. Men of my generation were looking for someone to take care of them, and I needed someone to take care of me. "I hear women say, 'If it doesn't turn out the way I planned, what then?' Life is basically full of broken eggs. The whole art of this thing is finding your own recipe for making sponge cake. My mother's final words were 'I am satisfied.' How do we live so that at the end of our lives we can say those words? I have done that. I have learned that I can be a mother in many different ways. The people who are unhappy are the people who get stuck in one way of doing it. You have to have a sense of possibility. Of course it's a remarkable, life-altering experience to have your own biological children. As a former pediatrician, I've seen people transformed by this profound experience. But you can still grow people, even if they don't come from your own body. There are so many who haven't had parenting. You can be a mother to them. For the thousands of medical students I've worked with, I have done that."

"But if I don't have children, who will care for me when I'm old?"
Sharon Salzberg, 52, cofounder of the Insight Meditation Center in Barre, Massachusetts, and author of Lovingkindness and Faith: "I don't have children, and my whole family of origin was so fracturedmy mother died when I was young, and my father was gone. So I've re-created a sense of family among my friends. Creating these kinds of connections is something we all have to do, whether we have children or not. Yes, some parents have close relationships with their children. Others don't. An adult child might get a job and move to the other side of the world. None of it is in our control. Because of the way my life unfolded when I was young, I learned the truth about change, the uncertainty of life. My meditation practice has helped me peel away my assumptions about how much control I have." Rachel Naomi Remen: "I have to laugh. My life experience is that people with children are often alone in old age. Having children is not a safety hedge. I have friends with three or four kids who live around the country. These friends end up with a couple of phone calls a week, if that. They're often alone in the same way that women who are married might still feel alone. The fact is that everything is impermanent. I think the people who have connected only to their families may be more vulnerable than those who connect more broadly. We need to learn

how to be alone. You do that by developing depth within yourself, interests that are yours, a connection to something larger than yourself. You develop your own sense of the meaning of life. Having children is no insurance policy."

"I'm worried about losing my looks and feeling the pressure to have plastic surgery."
Dr. Maya Angelou, 77, acclaimed poet and author of I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings: "The surface, the superficial, the way one looks has become valued too highly in our society. When the skin begins to sag, many women go for Botox. Why on earth would you let somebody stick a needle in your face just to get rid of a wrinkle? Here's the real question: What do we have to do to place more value on age? We have to value ourselves not for what we look like or the things we possess but for the women we are. "The most important thing I can tell you about aging is this: If you really feel that you want to have an off-the-shoulder blouse and some big beads and thong sandals and a dirndl skirt and a magnolia in your hair, do it. Even if you're wrinkled." Joan Hamburg, radio host of The Joan Hamburg Show, WOR Radio in New York: "Would I have a facelift? No. I'm sure I'd be the one whose nose would end up on my boobs! I might be the only person in America who feels that way. I just came back from a 60th-birthday party, and I said to my husband, 'My God, I'm going to be the oldest living human being. Look at these womenthey're all sucked and pulled and tucked.' But you can tell. In my head, I'm still 20. Yes, my body could use a zipper, but that's okay with me. When I get up in the morning, I look at all my parts and I think, This is good. This is good." Barbara Ehrenreich, 64, political essayist, social critic, and author of Nickel and Dimed: "I've had fears about my body changing, and I've dealt with that by becoming kind of a jock. During my early 40s, I developed terrible back problems. I thought, This is just a completely downward trajectory unless I change my life. So a friend dragged me to a gymI had always disdained fitness as a yuppie obsession. But once I began, I thought, This is great. I'm actually much stronger and more fit now than I was 20 years ago." Elizabeth Lesser, 52, cofounder and senior adviser of the Omega Institute: "I've realized that aging is the younger cousin of dying. Is my face sagging? Is my body creaking? These questions just bring up the ultimate one: How much time do I have left? We become aware that we're on the downside of the mountain, coasting toward our final days. I was with my mother as she was dying last year, and I became aware that yes, indeed, it's true: Each one of us does have a short time on earth. The wrinkles and the double chin are smoke screens for what we're really afraid ofmortality. I happen to believe that our souls continue after we're gone, and that makes life on earth less fearful. We're here for a reason, and challenges are handed to us so we can grow and become more of who we're meant to be. So I deal with my fear of aging and death by making it my spiritual practice. Not turning away from it, not pretending

it doesn't exist, not slapping on a cosmetic Band-Aid. But by taking on a more fearless attitude toward what really is happening to my body and my life."

"I dread the feeling of becoming invisible. What if I never have sex again?"
Abigail Thomas, 63, fiction and autobiographical writer and author of Safekeeping: "I wouldn't even go back to as young as I was yesterday. Being this age is completely freeing. To walk out of the house without wondering who's looking back at you makes it possible to focus on what you really want to focus on. It makes it possible to get your work done. For a long time, all I thought about was, Who's looking at me? Who's interested? I didn't even really look at what I felt like looking at on the street. That's what I called sexual power. About ten years ago, exactly what I'd feared came to be: My 'sexual power' changed. For so long, how I looked represented everything to me: who I was as a woman, my power, how I could engage. When it was over, I discovered so many other things. I began to write. I started to see that I wasn't at the world's disposalI call the shots, and what I'm interested in is what I'm interested in. One day in my 50s, I just woke up and realized I really didn't care about any of the rest of it and hadn't for quite a while. The heat was gone, and what replaced it was an avid desire for life." Maya Angelou: "At 50 I began to know who I was. It was like waking up to myself."

"I'm terrified of ending up alone."

Florence Falk, PhD, psychotherapist and author of On My Own: The Art of Being a Woman Alone: "Historically and prehistorically, women have existed in a context in which, because they bore children, they stayed together while the men were out hunting. So in terms of our collective unconscious, we have a history of being in some kind of connection with other people. We've been nurturers in an earthbound role, so it's difficult for our psyches to contemplate anything else. What's it like not to be tethered with the responsibility of a mate and children? We haven't had a template for that. Of course, it's a human reflex to want to be connected to others. But for women, we expect the connection to make us feel more realized, whole, alive. This is where many women get caught: wanting to be in connection but at the same time resenting it."

"What if I leave my jerk husband but find myself too broke to survive on my own?"

Elizabeth Lesser: "I've gone through a divorce and the terror of leaving a marriage. I know what it's like to feel stuck in something that is draining your life force, to stay because you're afraid of what's on the other side, especially financially. Helen Keller has become one of my heroes. She was blind, deaf, and mute, and you'd think she'd sit cowering in a corner. Yet this is what she once said: 'Security...does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.' I often think, If she could live life as a daring adventure, then any of us can. I used that when I finally made the decision as a 32-year-old mother to become a single parent and to leave a marriage that had been difficult for 14 years. It was about going for quality of life as opposed to security. It's not just in marriages that this decision is required. It's in everythingyour job, where you live, how you relate to people. Much of the time, choosing security isn't a good idea." Joan Borysenko, PhD, 59, cofounder of the Mind-Body clinical programs at two Harvard Medical School teaching hospitals and author of Minding the Body, Mending the Mind and Inner Peace for Busy People: "I've left a couple of husbands, and here's what I've learned: If you cannot support yourself, you set yourself up to be a prisoner. We can't stay home like June Cleaver and expect a man to take care of us financially. The world doesn't work that way anymore." Joan Hamburg: "Even some of the smartest married women don't know their financial standing. I once talked to a bunch of women at a bank in Staten Island, and I asked, 'Do you know what's in your husband's will? Do you know where his papers are? Do you even know what you're worth?' Not one woman knew. The truth is that we're very complacent when it comes to seizing control of our finances. It's part of that old syndrome: Be the best girl possible, make people happy, and Daddy's going to take care of you. That's over. For women, dealing with money doesn't seem graceful. Many see it as sort of embarrassing to know about money. It's time for us to step right up to the plate and learn. One reason women are so totally unprepared for the financial devastation that can come after a divorce is that they have no clue how to handle their money."

"I'm anxious about the burden of caring for aging relatives."

Cicely Tyson, actress, starring in the upcoming screen version of The Help: "I've cared for my mother, my father, my sister, my brother. I've lost everyone in my immediate family. And when you're faced with those situations, despite the fact that you feel, Oh, God, if it ever happens to me, I won't be able to handle it, you don't know how you'll actually respond until you're in the circumstance. I never anticipated that I'd be the sole surviving member of my family. And I found that when the time came, I did what I had to do. I think all human beings would do the same thing."

"I'm scared about not being able to work as I get olderand about society's ultimately throwing me away."

Abigail Thomas: "Society has little to do with it. You throw your own self away. You decide that you're irrelevant. The trick about getting older is to find something you don't know how to dosomething you want to improve on. And since I write, I want to get better at that. It has to become about the next thing to do, your passion, something that comes out of yourself. Without passion, we're all sunkwe're just consumers who go out and buy another toaster." Joan Borysenko: "I never plan to retire. On the other hand, I don't want to be forced to work 60 hours a week because I can't afford my mortgage payment. So there's something to be said for having a financial plan that allows you to retire when you want. We've got to recognize that the old model of staying with a job till you're 65 is dead. It's over. Prepare to be your fullest self at every step of the wayto do the things that are most resonant with your deepest inner values, even if you don't make as much money as you did in your younger years." Joan Hamburg: "A few years ago, I read a fascinating study about people 90 and over. It looked at how they'd survived to this age, despite the fact that many had suffered illnesses or eaten fast food night and day. The commonality among those studiedJews, Italians, Poles, people of various races and family backgroundswas a sense of optimism, a sense of being needed. For some, that meant having to babysit a daughter's child; others were still going to work every day. All of them had a sense of hope and purpose. If you don't have that, age sits and looks at you and says, 'I'm waiting.' I just about fainted the day, at age 50, when I received information from AARP. I threw it in the garbage. That's not me. There's still too much stimulation and joy in my life to sit around and wait for the end. "Women have skills that we don't even know we have. You've got to learn to reinvent yourself. Write 'new' on the box. Never be complacent. Stay ready to go to the next step. Think the way Americans thought in the early days of our nation: We are entrepreneurs, grasping opportunity, unafraid of rejection. We've got to get into the habit of constantly learning something new."

"What if I end up a bag lady?"

Florence Falk: "The fear of becoming a bag lady represents the fear of becoming marginalized. To be a bag lady is a metaphor for being cast outand women have always been cast out of society unless they've made it a point not

to be. I had this fear, What if I can't depend on myself? The sense of dependency is deeply conditioned in us culturally. That's why it's terrifying to think that you might not be able to take care of yourself. Others can look at you and think, Why is she still single? And men might feel threatened by a woman who's comfortable in herself. The world beckons men to be independent. Not true for women. That's changing, but it's a very slow turnaround. Women don't realize how bound they are to these cultural ideas." Joan Borysenko: "I've already had many conversations with friends about living in a group, both to cut expenses and to stay connected. We've all agreed we don't want to be old bag ladies. So how can we devise a lifestyle that makes this possible? It's not about surviving on cat food. The question is, 'How do we live to our fullest potential and have a lot of fun as we get older together?' That's what I'm planning for."

"What if I become ill or incapacitated?"

Rachel Naomi Remen: "Having worked almost half my lifetime with cancer patients, I've seen people discover that they can endure things they never thought possible. When you become ill, you discover a lot about yourself. Your relationships can become far more genuine. The ones that aren't real fall away. It may sound strange, but many people talk about a sense of gratitude for the deeper, fuller life they lead. It's a discovery process. Alzheimer's is a whole other thing. That's something I worry about. I identify with my mind. It's who I am. Losing who you are is different from having a physical illness. How do I handle the fear? I just have to live with it. Yet the fear gives me an appreciation for my capacities today. It awakens me to the richness of my life now." Barbara Ehrenreich: "My father died of Alzheimer's when he was 72, so the fear of losing my mind haunts me. How do I handle it? I want to wire my computer up so that when I start making too many mistakes, it'll automatically electrocute me. No, really: I read little health tips all the time about how to keep from getting Alzheimer's. The reason I went on hormone replacement therapy is that ten years ago, doctors thought it would prevent Alzheimer's. Then, of course, I got breast cancer at 58, probably with some help from the HRT. So I haven't figured out what to do with my fearbut it does make me ask myself, What things do I want to get done while I can? I think that's an important question.

"I'm worried that I'll get to the end of my life and realize I haven't even used a fraction of my potential."
Maya Angelou: "Becoming a bag lady. Getting Alzheimer's. Ending up alone. All of these concerns speak to a fear not of aging but of living. What is a fear of

living? It's being preeminently afraid of dying. It is not doing what you came here to do, out of timidity and spinelessness. The antidote is to take full responsibility for yourselffor the time you take up and the space you occupy. If you don't know what you're here to do, then just do some good. I'm convinced of this: Good done anywhere is good done everywhere. For a change, start by speaking to people rather than walking by them like they're stones that don't matter. As long as you're breathing, it's never too late to do some good." Abigail Thomas: "You're worried about how you're going to feel at the end of your life? What about right now? Live. Right this minute. That's where the joy's at. "To have a fear, you have to be able to imagine the future. I never think about the future. Ever. Has that always been true? God, no. For much of my life, everything was in the future. Everything was just about to happen for better or for worse. I had absolutely no awareness of what I was doing at the moment. Now it's all about what I'm doing now. The present. I'm not interested in the future. I have so much less of it than I used to. "Bad things have happened to mefive years ago, my husband was hit by a car and suffered traumatic brain injury. He has only the moment available to him. He has no short-term memory, he has no thought of the future. So my life circumstances make it easy for me to focus on where I am right this minute, and to enjoy the hell out of it. Yes, the whole thing is heartbreaking. It's agony. But the advantage is that I've learned how a moment can extend itself, can contain so much." Joan Borysenko: "At age 59, I worry less than I once did. I see that impermanence is not just some concept that the Buddhists developed. Everything is going to change anyhow. I can't control it. And so I can simply be here now. The work that you do in your lifetimeaccepting yourself and forgiving your parentsall comes together. You just get up and you say, 'Aha, this is the fruit. I am a woman I love.'" Rachel Naomi Remen: "I'm a successful author, and I travel all over the United Statesa very good life. There are many people who have made my life deeply meaningfuland I hadn't met one of them by the time I was 42. I had a whole other career as a physician. Then at 42, I became involved with people who have cancer. I became involved with their psychological and spiritual growth. I got my first book contract when I was 56, and it became a New York Times best-seller. "Here's what I want to say: Your life can change and deepen and become profoundly satisfying in middle age. I thought that if I didn't 'make it' by the time I was 35, it was all over. At 35 I would have been stunned to know the way things would come out for me."

"I don't know how I'll be able to handle the pain and regret of losing those closest to me."
Maya Angelou: "For me, 76 was the hardest year. I lost friends. I try to

remember all the good times. I keep photographs around. And I speak to my friends and family who have gone on. When I look out my windoweverything is so lush in North CarolinaI see a Japanese maple tree. It's a burnished purple against a background of honeysuckle that reaches up into the oak tree. I think of my mom and my brother and people I love who would love to see this. I'm seeing it. And through my eyes, they're seeing it as well." Rachel Naomi Remen: "When my mom faced the death of her last surviving sibling, she was left aloneshe had a lifetime of memories and nobody to share them with. That's one result of aging: Nobody recalls your family nickname, your stories, your years. Because my mom had a heart condition, I was afraid she'd have a heart attack at the news of her brother's death. That's when she told me the most interesting thing: 'Rachel, I couldn't have dealt with this when I was 40. But now that I'm 80, I'm strong enough. The only way that I am weak is in my body. It takes a lifetime of experience to learn to deal with trauma like this.' I was blown away by my mother's words. There's a saying, 'Life makes you ready to meet with the things you met with.' At 67 I can deal with things that would have completely devastated me at 33. Like the death of a friend. The person who's going to deal with Alzheimer's is not the 33-year-old you. The person who's going to deal with Alzheimer's is a person who has built courage and tenacity. Most people in the United States are not aware of the power that you get simply from life experience. We build strength, disappointment by disappointment."

Keys to Looking as Young as You Feel

Oprah.com | July 15, 2005

Make any hairstyle age defying with Ken Paves Lines on the face tell a wonderful story about our journey through life. They also tell our age. Softening or hiding some of these "beauty marks" is sure to keep people guessing. It used to be that when you reached a certain age you were destined for your mother's haircut. Something short, easy...and usually bland. Back in the day, hairstyles for longer lengths tended to elongate the face or make it look drawnwhich is the last thing that maturing women need. So women cut it off! That's not the case anymore due to styling techniques. With that behind us, we realize the true key to looking young isn't just a short hairstyle, but feeling young.

This is a photo of me and my mom. My mom just turned 60 years old. To help her look younger, my mom has face-framing layers with a side bang. This puts the emphasis on her beautiful eyes. Her hairstyle also has a lot of movement and soft highlights that help her to look the way she feelsplayful and young! I can happily say that these tips truly work. My mom definitely looks young for her age, but it's her young spirit that is ultimately age defying! Put Your Stylist to the Test Its time to break the rules ladies and put your stylist to the test. Let's get creative. If short makes you feel sassy, then short it is! If long makes you feel lovely, then long it is! If you like a bob, so be it! Long Hair: If you're going to have long hair, then it should be layered. The layers will take off a significant amount of the weight, and layering around the face will open and broaden the face, making it look fresh and uplifted. Bobs: Here's a trick. If you have a bob, take it a couple inches shorter in the back, leaving the front longer. This will give your profile an instant lift. This shape pulls the eye upward and away from the face. Layering: It's anytime that the hair is not one length. Layering creates softness, distracting from wrinkles and fine lines. The key with layering is to focus on what you think makes you look more youthful and, most importantly, feel youthful. If You Have... A Forehead Filled with Expression: If your forehead is wrinkly, cover it up. You don't have to commit to bangs of yesteryear! Whether you go la "Bardot" or elongated to either side, the new bang is versatile but will definitely turn back the clock. Crows Feet: Incorporate face-framing layers and a side fringe into your current style to hide these lines. Softened Jawline: As we age our jawline softens and our neck begins to wrinkle. If a soft jawline bothers you, then opt for a style that is just long enough to layer around your neck to take the focus away from this area. Focus on the Positive Now that we've hidden all of our secrets, let's focus on the positive. Embrace your spirit and live in the moment! What do you feel are your most beautiful features? If you have a graceful neck, go for a great short cut! If your eyes are your best feature then cut some bangs and give them all the attention! If you have great cheekbones, then let's see themlayer around and open up the face! Healthy hair is also a sign of youth. As we age our hair becomes dry and brittle, losing its shine. Mature hair has fewer natural oils, so it needs less cleansing and more conditioning! Soft and shiny hair will definitely make you look and feel younger.

Soft and airy hairstyles: They appear light and tend to open and lift the face. Also, choosing a hairstyle with movement will show that you can still be playful. Be sexy! Remember, never lose "sexy" in your hair vocabulary!

The Secret to a Flawless Face

By Paula Chin Oprah.com | From the November 2001 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

The right light is critical to looking your best. Four makeup artists help you create a lasting glow.
When it comes to makeup, lighting is everything. Chances are, you learned this lesson the hard way, applying what appeared to be perfectly appropriate makeup in your bathroom and, a few minutes later, catching a glimpse of yourself in another mirror, another place. Suddenly, your carefully blended undereye concealer looked spackled instead of subtle. The foundation that was supposed to even out your complexion now manifested a mean streak. And your cool peach lipstick took on the four-alarm heat of Tabasco sauce.

There's an easy antidote to such scenarios: sunlight. Applying makeup in natural light preps your face for fluorescent tubes and candles alike, rendering colors and skin tone with absolute accuracy. "Any time between dawn and dusk is fine," says makeup artist Bobbi Brown, "but it's best to capture the light streaming through a window so it's hitting your face indirectly." After the sun, the next best source of light is a full-spectrum lamp that closely mimics natural daylight. New York City makeup artist Liz Michael prefers Chromalux bulbs, which are made of a special glass that cuts down on the distorting yellow tones cast by fluorescents. Makeup artist Franois Nars favors long-lasting halogen lights, which also emit white light. Both come in ordinary A-line household bulbs and can be found at most hardware and lighting stores; 40 to 75 watts work fine. Ideally, Michael says, "make sure you have even light on the right and left sides of the mirror. Overhead lights are the absolute worst," she says. "They create or exaggerate undereye circles, and you'll overcompensate with concealer." The experts cringe before magnifying mirrors, which can make pores look the size of footballs and emphasize other minor imperfections. "Unless you're blind, don't use them," Michael says. Once you're working with the right light, color issues resolve themselves. For daytime, most makeup artists recommend warm colors like taupe and brown on the eyes and a light-colored blush and lipstick. "You don't want a heavy texture, so avoid shading and contouring to make your nose smaller or your cheeks thinner," says makeup artist Laura Mercier. At night, when the light is more forgiving, there's room to play with cooler shades like blue, gray, purple, violetpink, and dark reds. "Use a gray shadow if you want to accentuate your eyes," Mercier says. "And black eyeliner will make them stand out more." She advocates exercising caution when using light-reflecting foundations and powders. These formulations have tiny particles that can irritate sensitive skin or settle in pores and make them look larger. "They can brighten the face, but they might make you look shiny," Mercier says. "You have to calculate where you want the lightthe high point of the cheekbones, the center of the lipsso that it reflects there and nowhere else." Even so, the shimmer that dazzles at night might be overkill by day. Restraint may be a debatable virtue, but when it comes to makeup, too little is definitely better than too much.

What Have You Got to Hide?

By Jenny Bailly Oprah.com | From the June 2006 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Whatever it isdark undereye circles, cellulite, a scarthere's a way of making it appear to disappear.
Is your skin luminous and even-toned, clarified by monthly facials and a multipart skincare regimen? Do you head to the salon every six weeks to cover your gray with the perfect honey highlights? Yes? That's great, really great. You can move on; we'll see you later. This story is for those who don't always have the time or the money to keep up a maintenance program; who are looking for quick fixes to camouflage problems (from breakouts to spider veins); who know that there's probably a laser or acid or suction machine out there that offers a solution but aren't ready or willing (or flush) enough to try it. For you, we canvassed beauty experts to come up with the best advice for concealing imperfections (or, as we prefer to think of them, annoyances. Because, really, you're fine as you are; this is just a little surface polishing). Print out these pages and save them for the day or evening you find yourself facing a spot you'd rather not.

Sparse Brows
The Tool Kit: Pencil (one shade lighter than your brows); powder (that matches your brows); small angled brush. The Technique: Overzealous plucking (or age) can leave brows patchy. Even after you've put away your tweezers, it can take anywhere from three months to a couple of years for brows to grow back, says brow expert Sania Vucetaj. In the meantime, fill in only bare spots ("never, ever, ever the whole brow") with a pencil. If the pencil is too waxy, it will leave a heavy line, so look for one with a drier texture (like Paul & Joe Eyebrow Pencil) and always use short, feathery strokes. Once the holes are filled, take a brow powder (like Becca Brow Powder) to fill in the length of the arch (again, with short strokes). The powder will adhere more to the penciled-in areas and help bulk them up a bit, while blending in with the rest of the brow.

Dark Undereye Circles

The Tool Kit: Eye cream; creamy concealer (one shade lighter than your skin tone) with a slight golden (or, for darker skin, apricot) cast; translucent loose powder; small, slightly tapered brush with synthetic bristles (animal hair absorbs too much moisture, drying out concealer). The Technique: When you lighten dark circles, suddenly every crease under your eyes is brought into high definition. So use a very creamy concealer, says makeup artist Susan Giordano. Always start with an eye moisturizer (Vital Radiance HydraSmooth Under Eye Concealer includes one in half of its dualended wand). Let it absorb for five minutes, then begin applying the concealer with a brush at the inner corner of the eye. Work your way out, but "use it only on dark areas," says makeup artist Laura Mercier. Gently pat in the concealer (use your ring finger so you don't tug at the delicate skin), then dab on the slightest hint of translucent powder with a tiny velvet puff or eyeshadow brush. (We like Clinique CX Soothing Concealer Duo SPF 15 and Mally Beauty Cancellation Concealer System, which both include creamy concealer, sheer powder, and a dual-ended brush.)

Puffy Eyes
The Tool Kit: Eye gel; highlighting pen.

The Technique: When it comes to concealing, makeup artists preach moderationespecially with puffiness. Concealer accentuates bags, so use it only on the inner corners of the eyes. Minimize swelling with a firming eye gel (like Christine Chin Hydra-Lift Eye Gel; store it in the fridge for a little extra tightening power, the beauty equivalent of icing a sprain), and then run a highlighting pen (it delivers a sheer, slightly shimmery cream through a firm brush; we like Elizabeth Arden Sheer Lights) along the indentation below the puffiness. The light reflectors will make that area appear less depressed.

Ruddiness/Rosacea
The Tool Kit: Creamy, full-coverage foundation; tinted redness neutralizers. The Technique: To downplay overly rosy cheeks, often a result of broken capillaries or rosacea, use a foundation with gold or yellow undertones, which help counteract the pink. Blush-prone skin tends to be dry, so look for a very emollient formula (ignore anything labeled matte, says Nars senior makeup stylist James Boehmer) and moisturize before smoothing it on with a sponge. The sun aggravates redness, especially if it's caused by rosacea, so always wear sunscreen (or choose a foundation that includes it). "Titanium dioxide and zinc oxide are the least irritating UV blockers, and when they're finely ground in a sunscreen or foundation, they can help camouflage redness as well," says Mary Lupo, MD, clinical professor of dermatology at Tulane University School of Medicine. Products with green tints (like Murad Correcting Moisturizer SPF 15 or Avar Green, which is prescription only) help hide more serious redness (while also soothing irritation), but always apply a foundation on top to ensure a natural finish. Choose warm lipcolors; anything bright or blue-based will bring out pink tones in the skin.

Large Pores
The Tool Kit: Makeup primer; powder foundation. The Technique: No product can tighten pores, but makeup primers that contain silicone (like Clarins Instant Smooth Perfecting Touch) make them appear smaller by laying down a thin film on the skin. When you apply foundation, it sticks to that smooth surface, rather than settling into (and accentuating) pores. Boehmer prefers to use powder foundations (try Max Factor Powdered Foundation or Cover FX Mineral Powder Foundation) on skin with more noticeable pores, which tends to be oily. (We also like Per-fkt Skin Perfection Gel, a silky primer with oil absorbers and a slight tint that can double as a sheer foundation.) Avoid light-reflecting foundations, which can draw attention to pore size.

Breakouts
The Tool Kit: Thick concealer (the kind in a pot or compact) that matches your skin and has yellow undertones to counteract redness; sheer loose powder; small brush with a straight, firm tip (slightly larger than an eyeliner brush). The Technique: Before you begin, accept your limits: You can only camouflage the redness of a pimple; try to disguise the bump itself, and you'll end up with a mound of noticeable concealer. Use a brush to dot the concealer (we like Laura Mercier Secret Camouflage) directly on top of the blemish; then dip a small puff or another brush in translucent powder and pat it over the spot to set the concealer and leave a smooth finish. (Benefit Bluff Dust, a yellow-tinged sheer powder, comes with a velour puff.)

Age Spots
The Tool Kit: Concealer (a touch lighter than your skin tone, with peach or gold tones to brighten darkness); brush; powder and/or cream foundation (that matches your skin). The Technique: For isolated dark spots, just dot the concealer on top with a thin brush and pat with your finger to blend the edges. Then use a large brush to apply a fine layer of powder foundation over the whole face. This will help set the concealed patches and even out your complexion. (The very dry skinned should choose a liquid or cream foundation instead.) If you have more significant sun damage and need to cover larger patches, Boehmer recommends starting with a sheer liquid foundation all over the face, and then blending a heavier cream foundation over darker areas.

Cold Sores
The Tool Kit: Soothing ointment; Q-tips; concealer; sheer lip gloss. The Technique: Before you cover the sore, dab on an ointment like Aquaphor to protect it. No topical treatment has been shown to significantly shorten the life span of a cold sore (only a prescription oral medication, like Valtrex, can do that, if you pop a pill at the first tingle), but it's important to keep it moist while it heals. Next, dab on a concealer that matches the skin around your lips. To avoid contaminating your makeup, use a Q-tip (makeup artist Mally Roncal

coats it with a little Vaseline first so it glides more easily over the inflamed area)and don't double-dip. And you know how if you don't want people staring at your butt, you wouldn't put a big bow on it? Skip the bright lipstick and go for a sheer rosy gloss (again, using a clean Q-tip). Have fun with color on your eyes insteadwhich can draw attention away from that sore spot.

Thin Lips
The Tool Kit:Light lip liner; lipstick; sheer gloss. The Technique: First, how not to plump up your lips: by drawing on new ones. It's okay to trace slightly above the lip line, says makeup artist Paula Dorf, but only with a very light pencil. (She uses her own peachy pink Enhancer Baby Eyes to define the lip line, or try Cargo The Reverse Lipliner.) Stick to pale lipstick colors as well. Anything too dark makes the mouth look smaller. A dab of glimmery gloss on the center of the lips (both top and bottom) will also have a mild pout-enhancing effect. And a note on lip plumpers: Most use irritating agents like cinnamon to increase blood flow to the lips. If you can bear the "tingling" (we prefer the more accurate term: "burning"), slick them on before you apply any color. The results are temporary, though, and far from beestung.

A Bad Haircut
The Tool Kit: Headband; hot rollers or curling iron; patience. The Technique: Nothing makes hair grow faster. Your only recourse after an unfortunate cut is to wait for it to grow out (at a rate of about an eighth to a half inch every month). Until then, experiment with new textures. "Awkward layers are more apparent on straight hair," says hairstylist Gretchen Monahan, who recommends using hot rollers or a large barrel curling iron to create waves. If the problem is heavy bangs or harsh layers around the face, invest in a few headbands. (We like wide stretch designs, like the ones by hairstylist Eva Scrivo that come in suede and cotton faille, or Goody's linen versionmore city sleek than Sandra Dee.)

Visible Roots
The Tool Kit: Volumizing shampoo and mousse; comb; baby powder. The Technique: When a dye job's overdue, extra body at the roots can hide the evidence. Use a volumizing shampoo (and use it oftenwhen roots are oily, they look even darker), confine conditioner to your ends, and work a volumizing

mousse through damp hair. Zigzagging your part also keeps hair from lying too flat against the head and accentuating a line of demarcation. Powder (regular white talc works if you're blonde; Bumble and Bumble makes aerosol tinted versions for brunettes and redheads) can help blend roots as well. Monahan recommends shaking or spraying a bit along your part, then using your fingertips to work it in. (For a more lasting at-home root fix, Clairol Nice 'n Easy Root Touch-up kit now comes in 16 shades, all calibrated to match faded haircolor.)

Bruises
The Tool Kit: Red-based concealer (or lipstick); thick concealer and/or powder foundation that matches your skin tone; translucent loose powder. The Technique: Once you've banged into that coffee table (again), it'll take at least a week for the violet-blue souvenir to fade away. While you're waiting it out: Makeup artist Scott Barnes recommends dabbing a bit of red-tone concealer (or even just red lipstick) on top of the bruise to cancel out the purple, setting that with translucent powder, and then smoothing on a concealer or heavier foundation that matches your skin tone (try MAC Face and Body). Be sure to pat the concealer around the bruise, softening the edges so it disappears into the surrounding skin. To keep the color in place, Roncal swirls a large brush into powder foundation and then presses it over the area before swiping it back and forth to remove the excess. And a self-tanner warning: While it works camouflaging magic on many other imperfections, it darkens a bruise. So before bronzing, smooth a bit of Vaseline over it to block the color.

Cellulite
The Tool Kit: Self-tanner; self-tanner; more self-tanner. The Technique: For some reason, bronzed dimpled thighs are less conspicuous than pasty whites ones"but the last thing you want to do is get a tan and break down collagen, making the problem even worse," says Lupo, who recommends self-tanner instead. For an added slimming effect, Barnes makes the outer and inner thighs a bit darker. Coat them with self-tanner first (spray formulas, such as ModelCo Tan Airbrush in a Can, are easier to control than lotions), let it dry for about 15 minutes, and then go over the whole leg. Roncal finishes with a layer of shimmer cream (like Smashbox Body Lights Glowing Lotion), which can help blur bumps and lumps.

Leg Veins

The Tool Kit: Self-tanner or body bronzer; body concealer; sheer loose powder. The Technique: If the squiggles are relatively light, a coat of self-tanner will be enough to camouflage them. (For a slowand streakproofbuildup, try Vaseline Intensive Care Healthy Body Glow Lotion.) A leg bronzer will also mask veins or broken capillariesand wash off at the end of the day. (Yves Saint Laurent Make-Up Leg Mousse imparts both a veil of color and a cooling sensation.) When you want more serious coverage, Roncal recommends blending a concealer on top of veins, painting the makeup on with a brush, and then distributing it evenly with your fingers. (Choose something pretty heavy, like Dermablend Leg & Body Cover Crme, when concealing anything off your face.) A few pats of translucent powder will set the color, but you'll still want to avoid water sports and games of footsie for the rest of the day.

Stretch Marks and Scars

The Tool Kit: Thick concealer; translucent loose powder; pearly cream. The Technique: Stretch marks and scars are usually very smooth in texture, so look for a heavy, full-coverage concealer (like water-resistant CoverBlend by Exuviance Corrective Leg & Body Makeup SPF 18) that won't slide awayand don't moisturize the area beforehand. Match the concealer to the darker color around the scar or stretch mark; anything too light will just make it look worse, says Dorf. Use a brush to pat the makeup over the mark in thin layers, and set it with loose powder. If a scar is depressed, try dabbing a pearly cream (like Nars the Multiple in Copacabana) on top. It'll reflect light off the area and make it appear less noticeable.

Your Head-to-Toe Guide to Looking Great This Summerand Beyond

By Jolene Edgar Oprah.com | From the August 2005 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Seven ways to keep yourself resplendent all season long.

We've always associated the glorious, intoxicatingly warm and languorous days of summer with getting gorgeous. That's when we can let down our hair (or casually pin it up, exposing a glimpse of neck or shoulder and maybe, too, exuding a light, luscious burst of scent), strip off the layers of cotton or wool, and go barelegged and sometimes barefoot, savoring the delicious freedom of naked skin against the soft air. So it's with great delight that we report that the job of getting gorgeous (and staying that way) has just gotten a whole lot easier. Here are seven ways to keep yourself resplendent throughout this season and beyond.

Protect Your Haircolor

Why it fades faster in summer: Swimmers, take note. "Water is the principal cause of fading," says Christine Hall, research and development director at John Frieda. "It penetrates the hair and dissolves the dye, causing it to rinse right out." And if hair is sun damaged or overprocessed, it's even more likely that dyes will escape. Women who lighten their hair with permanent color have been known to struggle with another fade-related problem: brassiness. "The coloring process first lifts melanin from hair, and an orange-yellow shade results," says Hall. "It then deposits cool dyes on top, but they fade quickly, exposing the brassy tones." The fix: A scarf, cap, or UV-shielding cream will protect hair from the sun. (Redken UV Rescue Brunette Guard or Blonde Guard color-saving swim creams, $13, block UVA/UVB rays and prevent hair from absorbing drying chlorine and salt.) But what to do about water? A shower cap is a wise idea on days you don't shampoo. When you do, color-protecting shampoos and conditioners can help stop fading by laying down silicones to seal the hair shaft.

Pamper Your Face

Why skin suffers: Free radicals. The antagonists of any skincare story, these unstable molecules-produced by sun, pollution, stress-attack healthy cells and cause inflammation, triggering enzymes to break down collagen and elastin. The fix: Our heroes-antioxidants. "They're like fire extinguishers for free radicals," says David McDaniel, MD, assistant professor of clinical dermatology and plastic surgery at Eastern Virginia Medical School. They wipe out rogue molecules and reduce inflammation. The antioxidant idebenone, a derivative of coenzyme Q10 (and the active ingredient in the doctor-dispensed wrinkle cream Prevage), is regarded as a "star chemical" by some doctors. Like most antioxidants, idebenone is primarily preventive, but in independent testing, McDaniel found it to be reparative as well, since it decreased collagendegrading enzymes in the body. Another superantioxidant, plant-derived ferulic acid, has been shown to bolster the natural photoprotective effects of topically applied vitamins C and E, says Leslie Baumann, MD, associate professor of clinical dermatology at the University of Miami. Come October, Baumann adds, look for the oral antioxidant Heliocare, which contains a fern extract that protects skin from UVA damage. Green tea also prevents inflammation and photoaging when ingested or applied topically in very high concentrations. (Topix Replenix Serum, $44, contains 90 percent.)

Nourish Your Neck

Why: The skin on our necks, more delicate and thinner than facial skin, loses elasticity faster. The fix: There are a few ways to reshape sagging on the neck; all depend on the type of sagging you have. One of the more common: two defined folds that run from under the chin to the lower neck. Relaxing those bands with Botox can make the neck look softer and firmer for about six months, but treatment can be expensive, says Mary Lupo, MD, associate clinical professor of dermatology at Tulane University School of Medicine. The only surefire fix for more general sagging is a neck lift, which, according to Kyle Choe, MD, director of facial plastic surgery at the Laser Skin & Vein Center of Virginia, typically involves lifting both the neck and lower face to create a distinct jawline and taut neck-at $7,000 to $9,000 plus ten days' downtime. Tightening lasers and infrared devices such as Fraxel and Titan are showing encouraging early results. "But they're not a substitute for surgery," says David McDaniel, MD. "They're simply an alternative for people who don't want a lift or aren't ready for one." Because sagging is difficult to improve, Leslie Baumann, MD, preaches daily prevention: Use a moisturizer with SPF, and retinoids, such as Differin or Retin A.

Moisturize Your Body-All of It

Why you're dry: Dry heat, hot showers, harsh detergents, and... forgetfulness? It's true: Eighty percent of us claim to have dry skin, according to Olay, the global skincare brand, but only 43 percent moisturize daily. You do the math. The fix: "Moisturizer draws water into the epidermis and prevents it from escaping," says Howard Murad, MD, associate clinical professor of dermatology at UCLA. And because they work best on wet skin, new in-shower body lotionswhich you use after cleansing, like a conditioner, to hydrate and soften skinmake a lot of sense. They also make it easy to moisturize (or remember) hardto-reach places like our back and stomach. Most formulas contain a humectant, such as glycerin, to attract water and a concentrated dose of ultraemollient petrolatum to lock it in. The real trick for scientists was getting the stuff to stay on when you rinse. David Canestrari, senior research and development manager for Unilever Skin Global Innovation Center, says that their in-shower lotion (Suave Skin Therapy Skin Conditioner, $3) has a slight positive charge, so it adheres well to skin, which naturally has a slight negative charge. (Whatever. It works.)

Smooth the Cellulite

Why you've got it: In women, fat is stored in honeycomb-like sacks. When these sacks expand, they push up into the dermis, compressing connective tissue and creating visible dimples in the skin. The fix: "You can't 'cure' a woman of cellulite, because she needs this stored fat for pregnancy and lactation," says Mitchel Goldman, MD, associate clinical professor of dermatology at the University of California, San Diego. You can temporarily smooth lumps by stimulating blood flow to help eliminate fluids and by strengthening the walls of the "honeycomb" compartments. A recent French study proved that when Endermologie, a combination of suction and deep massage with rollers, is performed twice a week for eight weeks ($80 to $120 per session), it can reduce the appearance of cellulite for up to six months. Another procedure, the TriActive System, incorporates a low-energy laser, a skin-cooling mechanism, and suction massage to stimulate collagen, circulation, and lymphatic drainage. It's painless, says Goldman, and study results seem promising. VelaSmooth, the newest cellulite machine, uses radio frequency, infrared light, suction, and massage to increase blood flow and push fat cells back into the fat layer, where they won't show through the skin. Both VelaSmooth and TriActive can reduce cellulite by 40 to 60 percent after 12 to 16 sessions (at about $200 each).

Zap Spider and Varicose Veins

Why you've got them: Both result from damaged valves. "If you're genetically susceptiblei.e., femaleyour vein walls tend to be weak and prone to leaking," says Robert Weiss, MD, associate professor of dermatology at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine. The fix: You can help strengthen veins by exercising your calf muscles often. But the reality is, no matter what you do, 50 percent of women will have spider and/or varicose veins by age 50. Sclerotherapy-injecting a solution to dissolve the vein-is still the gold standard for spider vein treatment because the solution treats a large area in a small amount of time, says Weiss. (Glycerin, a relatively new, nonirritating sclerosing agent, is known to have fewer side effects than others.) Lasers, which use heat to collapse veins, work best when targeting just a few isolated spider veins. Both treatments require only one or two sessions at $250 to $350 each. Endovenous closure, a one-puncture procedure performed under local anesthesia, is the newest and most effective treatment for varicose veins. "We insert a catheter, then thread a radio frequency or laser fiber into the vein, under ultrasound guidance, and apply energy to heat the vein wall, causing it to shrink or collapse," says Weiss. Swelling is relieved immediately

and vein size is reduced by at least 50 percent. The best part: Many insurance companies cover most of the $2,000 to $3,000 cost.

Treat Your Feet

Why: You've been good about going to the gym. But you left your flip-flops at home. "In the last two years, I've seen a major increase in foot fungus," says Suzanne Levine, a podiatric surgeon in New York City who attributes the rise to the increased popularity of spas and health clubs. You don't just develop fungus, she says; it has to be introduced from an outside source, such as contaminated nail clippers or a dirty shower floor. "People with hyperhidrosis [excessive sweating], who constantly feel like their feet are swimming in their shoes, are more prone to fungus," says Levine. The fix: If you've already contracted a fungus, ask your doctor for prescriptionstrength antifungal topicals, such as Lamisil or Penlac. Over-the-counter products are rarely strong enough, says Levine. And in the warm weather, why not give yourself the pretty punctuation of a bright polish with a pedicure? (To be safe, bring your own tools.)

10 Secrets Every Beauty Editor Knows That You Should, Too

By Valerie Monroe Oprah.com | From the May 2010 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

All secret societies accumulate a treasury of their own uncommon wisdom, and the league of beauty editors is no exception. Here, all in one place for the first time, is the best insider intelligence.
1. The one thing we always drink to: water. But forget the rule about eight glasses a dayjust drink enough so that you're not thirsty. Though there's no link between how much water you consume and how hydrated your skin is, when I'm parched, my complexion looks flaky and dry. Also: If you drink a glass of water before each meal, you'll be less inclined to overeat.

2. Sunscreen is the closest thing we have to a fountain of youth. Use at least SPF 15 every day, rain or shine. UV radiation is the major source of skin cancer and accelerated aging of the skin, both of which can occur without tanning or other visible signs of damage, says Steven Wang, MD, director of dermatologic surgery and dermatology at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center at Basking Ridge, New Jersey. 3. You can conjure up a prettier complexion while you sleep...with the magic of retinoids. Still the gold standard of topical skincare ingredients, vitamin-A derivative prescription retinoids (like Retin-A, Renova, Tazorac) stimulate new collagen, exfoliate your pores, and encourage cell turnover, says Mary P. Lupo, MD, clinical professor of dermatology at Tulane Medical School. Add a retinoid to your nighttime beauty routine. 4. Always treat your hands and neck the way you treat your face. The skin on the neck is thinner than the skin on the face, yet most women don't care for it as well. Same goes for the hands. After you apply a treatment (like a retinoid or antioxidant serum) to your face, rub it on your neck and the backs of your hands, too. 5. For the price of a tube of self-tanner, you can look as if you spent a month on the Riviera. Apply a moisturizing body lotion that includes a selftanner to hide spider veins on your legs and to get a slimming effect all over. 6. There's gold in them thar drugstores. Take advantage of the bounty of inexpensive cleansers, moisturizers, and treatments that work just as well as (or better than) luxury brands. The large cosmetic companies that produce drugstore products want you to be loyal to them, so they don't skimp on their research and development. 7. Facials can be expensive, but luminosity is free. The fastest way to better skin tone doesn't cost a dime. Exercising gives you improved circulation and oxygen capacity, which causes the blood vessels in the skin to dilate, says Steven Dayan, MD, clinical assistant professor in the division of facial plastic surgery at the University of Illinois. The result? That healthy glow everyone's aiming for. 8. We never met an antioxidant we didn't like. Free radicalscertain kinds of

molecules that can build up in your body and damage proteins and DNA hasten the aging process, says Dayan. Eating a diet rich in fruits and vegetables that contain antioxidants like coenzyme Q10, and vitamins A, C, and E can help reverse some of that damage. Applying antioxidants topically can also help. 9. One impeccable, classic haircut is worth more than all the styling products in the world. A haircut is a little like a dress: If you start out with terrific tailoring, accessorizing is unnecessary (but still can be lots of fun). 10. Good deeds = good looks. If you do something that makes you feel great about yourself, you're more likely to wear a happy expression. And studies have shown that a person who looks happy is perceived as more attractive than the same person who looks sad, says Dayan. So do something kind for someone. While you're at it, smile. And, for Pete's sake, be sure you're wearing sunscreen.

Val Answers Your Top 20 Skincare Questions

Oprah.com | March 23, 2011

You've consistently honored Ask Val with your most pressing beauty questions, from the straightforward (do I really need an SPF if I'm inside all day?) to the strange (though my skin is dry, my eyelids are oilywhat's up with that?). Here are some of our favorite skincare dilemmas along with their bottom-line solutions.

Q: Suddenly, my favorite fragrance seems to be giving me hives. What's up with that? A: What's probably up are your memory T cells, which can react to an allergen days, months, even years after exposure, says Valerie Callender, MD, associate professor of dermatology at Howard University. One of the most common causes of allergic contact dermatitis (ACD) is fragrance ingredients. But don't give up on your perfume just yet; some of these ingredients are also found in skincare and haircare products and laundry detergents. Decrease your exposure to all scented products, says Paradi Mirmirani, MD, a dermatologist at Kaiser Permanente in Vallejo, California. Then apply your fragrance on the inside of your arm to see if that's what's causing your reaction. Keep in mind: A doctor can give you a patch test to determine if you have ACD; if you don't, you may have irritant contact dermatitis, which, though often less serious, can also cause a rash. Q: Which do I put on my face first, sunscreen of moisturizer? A: What you apply first depends on the kind of sunscreen you use. A physical block (containing titanium dioxide or zinc oxide) can be applied over your moisturizer. But a chemical sunscreen (avobenzone or oxybenzone), which works by interacting with your skin to absorb the sun's rays, must penetrate whatever is already on your face in order to be effective, says Heidi Waldorf, MD, associate clinical professor of dermatology at Mount Sinai School of Medicine. So it's smart to apply this type before anything else. Keep in mind: In summer, unless your skin is very dry, you can probably use just one product: a moisturizing sunscreen. I like PCA Skin Protecting Hydrator SPF 30 ( $34, pcaskin.com for stores) and Yes to Cucumbers Soothing Daily Calming Moisturizer with SPF 30 ($15, yestocarrots.com) Keep reading: What's the best moisturizer for you? Q. How can I get rid of the deep vertical lines on my upper lip? A: Those lines are really the only thing I don't like on my face. (Unless you count the spaghetti sauce I discovered on my chin after dinner the other night. I didn't much like that, either.) A three-step approach works well to eliminate the lines, says Deborah Sarnoff, MD, clinical professor of dermatology at New York University Medical Center. Injections of a filler like Juvderm or Restylane can fill them in. A very small amount of Botox, injected into the sides of the mouth, can prevent the kind of puckering that helps to cause them. Finally, one treatment with a fractional CO2 laser can get rid of them for more than ten years (with three days to a week of redness and swelling and a cost of $1,500 to $4,500). Keep in mind: If you choose to go this three-pronged route, it's critical that you

see a board-certified dermatologist or plastic surgeon experienced in the treatments (too much filler can look unnaturalas I'm sure you've observed and too much Botox around the mouth can affect your shpeesh). Keep reading: What are your skin treatment options? Q: How can I figure out my skin type? A: It's easy. Wash your face with a cleanser designed for normal skin; rinse well, and pat dry with a soft towel. Now pick up a copy of Alan Bennett's The Uncommon Reader. It's a short, funny book, and if you're undistracted you can probably finish it in about an hourexactly when your skin will be ready to evaluate. How does it feel? If it's tight, ashy or flaky, your complexion is dry, says Susan Taylor, MD, assistant clinical professor of dermatology at Columbia University. If you're oily only across the forehead, down the nose and on the chin, you've got combination skin; and if you need to blot your whole face with a tissue, you're oily. If your face feels irritated or slightly itchy, you likely have sensitive skin. Bottom line: Once you've established your skin type, repeat the test four times a year, because your skin probably changes seasonally. Keep reading: Top 10 skin mythsa dermatologist tells all Q: Why isn't there a way to get rid of acne immediately and permanently? A: Hear, hear! We've pretty much figured out how to dissolve fat, prevent wrinkles, shoot people into space (and even bring them back); how hard can it be to get rid of acne? Actually, harder than you'd think, because acne results from a complicated process involving a plugged pore, oil, bacteria and inflammation, and it's also influenced by genetics and hormones, says Katie Rodan, MD, clinical associate professor emeritus of dermatology at Stanford University School of Medicine. A shot of cortisone directly into a pimple reduces inflammation in a day or two, and the oral prescription medicine isotretinoin can give long-lasting results with cystic or severe acne, but the best way to prevent acne is by using a combination of ingredients that address each step in the breakout process, including salicylic acid to disrupt the plug, benzoyl peroxide for protection from bacteria and sulfur for its anti-inflammatory effect. Recent research shows that milk and milk products may aggravate acne, so it might be wise to avoid them. Bottom line: You can treat the superficial causes topically, but because acne involves genetics, the only permanent solution will involve gene therapyand we're not there yet. Keep reading: Val's adult acne cures Q: Do more-expensive skincare products have some kind of "professional strength"?

A: Price alone has nothing to do with the strength and effectiveness of skincare products, says Cheryl Burgess, MD, medical director at the Center for Dermatology and Dermatologic Surgery in Washington, D.C. A drugstore mask or moisturizer can have the same concentrations of active ingredients as one from a department store or spa. But there is a correlation between the strength of a product and whether it's prescription or over-the-counter, says Burgess. A prescription product will likely contain a higher concentration of active ingredients than an OTC formula. Bottom line: The price and strength of a product do not necessarily correlate. Keep reading: The facts about cosmetic procedures Q. I'm 26. When should I start using anti-aging products? A: The day before yesterday (and I wish I'd followed my own advice). Leslie Baumann, MD, director of the Baumann Cosmetic and Research Institute in Miami Beach and author of The Skin Type Solution, says she tells patients as young as 18 to use ingredients that have been shown to slow the effects of aging. When it comes to wrinkles, prevention is key, so it's important to conserve collagen, hyaluronic acid and elastin, all of which keep skin looking plump and firm. Retinoids and antioxidants help preserve all three. For nighttime, Baumann suggests using a prescription retinoid product like Retin-A, Tazorac, Differin or Renovain conjunction with a daily moisturizer containing antioxidants like idebenone, coenzyme Q10, lycopene, vitamin C, vitamin E and ferulic acid. She points out that the best anti-aging product is sunscreen, used every day, even indoors (where UVA rays can work their bad chemistry through windows). Bottom line: If you're old enough to ask the question, you're old enough to be using anti-aging products. Keep reading: Get Val's skincare regimen Q. Does pore-minimizing makeup shrink your pores? A: No, but it makes them appear smallerwhich is a fine enough trick, if you ask me. Some formulas incorporate optical diffusers, which are very good at blurring the look of the pore, making it appear less noticeable. Bottom line: Pore minimizers containing silicone can make your skin look flawless, but their residue is resistant to soap and water, so cleanse with makeup remover. Keep reading: The easy guide to flawless skin Q. Which is a better body moisturizer: cream, oil or lotion? A: The best way to treat dry skin is to seal in moisture by forming a protective

layer over it, says Elizabeth Tanzi, MD, co-director of laser surgery at the Washington Institute of Dermatologic Laser Surgery. In order of effectiveness: oils, creams and lotions. The difference is the oil-to-water ratio, Tanzi says: Creams have more oil than water, and lotions have less. Keep reading: When does a skincare product expire? Q. So many products claim to get rid of undereye circles. How do I know which one to buy? A: If your complexion is fair, your (red or purplish) dark circles are probably caused by blood vessels just below the skin. If you're olive or darker, your (brown) circles are probably caused by pigmentation. Look closely in a mirror, and press on the skin; if the color decreases, your circles are more likely from blood vessels, says Heidi Waldorf, MD, associate clinical professor of dermatology at Mount Sinai School of Medicine in New York City. In this case, you might consider treatment with the V-beam laser, which zaps the vessels, causing them to disappear. For pigment-related shadows, Waldorf typically starts with creams containing retinoids (prescription tretinoin or tazarotene or over-the-counter retinols), to reduce pigmentation and increase cell turnover, and hydroquinone, a bleaching ingredient. Other helpful ingredients to look for are kojic acid, alpha hydroxy acids, kinetin and azelaic acid. Keeping the area well hydrated can improve the appearance of either kind of undereye shadow and make it easier to apply concealer; use eye creams containing glycerin, petrolatum, dimethicone or kinetin. Gels containing caffeine will temporarily tighten the skin, too, Waldorf says. If topical creams seem to irritate the area or make the circles worse, or if the skin is burning, itching or scaling, see a dermatologist. The cause of the darkness could be eczema, for which you may need a prescription topical anti-inflammatory cream. Keep in mind: First figure out what's causing your undereye shadows; creams can reduce only the pigment-related type. Keep reading: 4 steps to conceal undereye circles Q. My face is always shiny even though I use blotting papers and powder. Help! A: "This can be a challenging problem," says Jeannette Graf, MD, assistant clinical professor of dermatology at Mount Sinai School of Medicine. But you already know that. Graf suggests using a cleanser with witch hazel, and following it with a lotion containing oil-absorbing microsponges. Next, try applying a foundation primerthe silicone in it gives your skin a matte finish wherever you get shiny (on your forehead, say). Then, over an oil-free foundation or tinted moisturizer, use a brush to apply a veil of loose powder (don't use your fingers; they can transmit oil). Keep in mind: Avoid drying out your skin, since that can cause oil glands to go

into overdrive. Keep reading: Val's basics for a fresh and flawless look Q: Come on, do I really need an SPF if I'm inside all day? A: Say you're in your office, sporting a vintage midnight blue Yves Saint Laurent velvet jacket with silk lapels. It starts to rain. Will it kill you to go out without an umbrella? Of course not, but you won't be doing your jacket any favors. Now, if you think of your skin as a commodity at least as valuable as a vintage bolero and I know you doyou'll apply a similar kind of reasoning to your face. Getting to work, dashing out for a salad midday and going home all expose your skin to damaging UVA/UVB light, says Brad Katchen, MD, founder of SkinCareLab in New York City. And UVA rays, which cause premature aging of the skin, are transmitted through glass, so if you're lucky enough to have an office with a window, you may be getting a daily sunbath at your desk. Using a moisturizer with SPF is an easy way to apply protection. Bottom line: You probably get more sun exposure than you think, so use an SPF 15 lotion even if you spend most of the day inside. Keep reading: 7 never-fail sunscreens Q. My moisturizer has an SPF 20. My foundation has an SPF 15. Am I getting a combined protection of SPF 35? A: I understand your thinking on this, but, no. You're getting only the highest SPF protection you wear. Keep reading: Why would you want an SPF 100+? Q. If I had the time, I'd research everything about sun protection. But why should I? That's your job. What must I absolutely know about sunscreen? 1. Wear it. All over. Recently, on a Florida beach, I realized I hadn't applied sunscreen on my toes, which had been peeking innocently out of the umbrella shade. Zorched. Remember to use an SPF of at least 15 on your lips, too, because they're often exposed, says Debra Jaliman, MD, assistant clinical professor of dermatology at Mount Sinai School of Medicine. Also on your ears, your Achilles tendon and anything else that happens to stick out. A shot glass full should be enough to cover you. 2. Use a broad-spectrum productone that blocks UVA (more deeply penetrating) and UVB (burning) rays. Look for one containing either zinc oxide or titanium dioxide (physical sunblocks) and/or Parsol 1789 (a chemical ingredient also called avobenzone), or Mexoryl, all of which provide considerable UVA protection. 3. Reapply. Even if the residue from the creamy base of the product remains on

your skin, the block or screen may not. Coat yourself every two hours, says David H. Herschthal, MD, professor of dermatology at the University of Miami School of Medicine. At the beach or pool, a water-resistant product may not wash off but may rub off after you towel yourself dry, so you'll still need to reapply. 4. Choose a sunscreen suitable for your skin type. If you have dry skin, look for an emollient cream and avoid products with an alcohol base. Liquids and gels are better suited to oilier skin. Keep reading: Readers share their sunscreen stories Q. I'm suspicious of marketers. Do people like me with very dark skin really need sunscreen? A: You may not get sunburned, and the melanin in your skin will protect you longer, says Herschthal, but the radiation from UVA rays can still cause wrinkles and even skin cancer. Keep reading: Tips for different skin types Q: How do firming body lotions work? A: A colleague here in the office claims that she gets a tighter bottom when she applies firming body lotion. One of the reasons I'm fond of her is that, among her many other lovely qualities, she is a terrific optimist. I say, if you think your bottom looks better and that makes you happy (and why wouldn't it?), more power to you. Keep using the stuff. But in the sometimes dark and often skeptical world of Ask Val, firming lotions are good for one thing only: moisturizing. That will improve the appearance of the skin temporarily, says Arielle N.B. Kauvar, MD, clinical associate professor of dermatology at New York University Medical Center. The antioxidants added to some formulas may help reduce collagen breakdown but will not stimulate new collagen and skin thickening, Kauvar says. Bottom line: Though firming lotions can plump up your skin with moisture, there's no evidence that the ingredients produce long-term effects. Q: Do creams and lotions containing collagen deliver it into the skin? A: "There has been no scientific evidence to suggest that there is enough penetration of collagen transepidermally to be deposited in the dermis," says Neil Sadick, MD, clinical associate professor of dermatology at New York Presbyterian HospitalWeill Cornell Medical Center in New York City. Bottom line: The doctor said no. Keep reading: What women doctors know about skincare (that you should too)

Q: Is it more effective to use products from only one skincare line than to mix different brands? A: If you're like most women, you probably use products that contain active ingredients (alpha hydroxy acids to treat aging skin, for example). Typically the ingredients and products in a skincare line are formulated to work synergistically to maximize results and minimize side effects, says Jennifer Linder, MD, assistant clinical professor of dermatology at the University of California, San Francisco. But many of Linder's patients make the mistake of mixing the strongest products from several lines, which irritates their skin. It's especially important to be careful with retinoids, alpha hydroxy acids, hydroquinone and salicylic acid; the skin can become overstimulated if these ingredients are used simultaneously. Bottom line: If you use only a gentle nonsoap cleanser, moisturizer and sunscreen, you can mix brands with abandon. But if you're trying to target specific skin conditions, it's better to stick with only one line. Keep reading: Should you apply sunscreen before or after moisturizer? Q: How can I get rid of spider veins on my legs? A: Among the many useless, inane things I've often wondered about: Wouldn't those intricate patterns of blood vessels be more appropriately called spiderweb veins? Anyway, if they're large enough to be threaded with a tiny needle, sclerotherapythe injection of various chemical solutions into the blood vesselsis the best option, says Tina Alster, MD, clinical professor of dermatology at Georgetown University Medical Center in Washington, D.C. The solution irritates the vein's lining; tissue inflammation results, which causes the blood vessel to collapse and fade. The procedure used to sting because of the nature of the solutions; now that there are better ones, it's nearly painless, says Alster. Most people experience temporary mild redness and swelling along the course of the treated veins. The treatment takes 10 to 30 minutes, depending on the number of veins; often both legs can be done in a single session. If you hate needles, you could try vascular laser treatments instead, though they're a little more uncomfortable because they zap the veins with heat, Alster says. Bottom line: The best time to treat spider veins is in winter, when your legs are covered and more easily protected from the sun. (Tanned skin reduces visibility of the veins during the procedures and increases the risk of posttreatment hyperpigmentation.) Avoid sclerotherapy immediately before or during menstruation because of heightened sensitivity. You can expect to pay $350 to $1,000 for either procedure. Keep reading: 15 treatments for more beautiful skin Q: Help! I have turkey neck! Short of surgery, is there anything I can do?

A: Another reader recently wrote to me complaining of chicken legs; we seem to be having a moment of poultry-related beauty issues. The problem with turkey neck is that you can't get dramatic results without taking dramatic action. Think of your neck as a skirt that needs hemming, suggests (the metaphorically gifted) Alan Matarasso, MD, clinical professor of plastic surgery at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine of Yeshiva University in New York City. You can iron the skirt (meaning treat it with various lasers, which can help smooth the skin) and reinforce the fabric of the skirt (meaning apply creams like retinoids that will encourage production of collagen and elastin), but unless you hem the skirt, you won't lose the excess fabric. You follow? And what does "hemming" entail? An incision behind the earlobes, suctioned fat, lifted and tightened muscles, and a small scar from behind the ears into the hairline. (Not to mention a recovery time of 10 to 14 days, and a cost of about $10,000.) Bottom line: If your turkey neck is in full swing, neither lasers nor creams will make an appreciable difference. But before you send your neck to the tailor, think long and hard about what people see when they look at you. Your magnificent eyes and delicious smile may render your neck way less noticeable than you think. Keep reading: What products to use on your neck Q: When I get a bikini wax, the technician dips the wooden applicator into the pot of wax repeatedly. Could I catch anything? A: How are you feeling right nowgood? I hope so, because if the technician isn't changing the pot of wax for each new client (ask her; she may not be), you could catch a lot of stuff you'd be a whole lot better off without. Infection in the vaginal area can be quite severe; you could be exposed to group A strep, staph, human papillomavirus and herpes, says Jennifer Linder, MD, assistant clinical professor of dermatology at the University of California, San Francisco. Waxing induces areas of microtrauma to the skin, making cross-contamination from client to client more likely, she says. Bottom line: The technician should never double-dip the application stick; she should wear gloves during the treatment and use new paper or sheets for each client. If you're concerned about the cleanliness of a facility, take your waxable parts elsewhere. Keep reading: How to prevent breakouts when waxing Q: How can I keep my hands looking youthful? A: I love the look of mature hands; they seem to have earned the right to wear good jewelry. But there's lots you can do if you want youthful hands, says Deborah Sarnoff, MD, clinical professor of dermatology at New York University Medical Center. Hyperpigmentation (brown spots) can be eradicated with one treatment of a pigment-specific laser, like the Q-switched ruby or alexandrite. (A bleaching cream takes longer to work but will fade spots in about six weeks.) At night, apply a vitamin A prescription cream like Renova, or an over-the-counter

retinol cream. Always remember to use an SPF 30 sunscreen on your hands to prevent new spots. If veins are your bugaboo, they can be diminished by injections of a filler like Radiesse or Sculptra. Keep in mind: Wear cotton-lined or rubber gloves when you're working around the house and leather gloves when you're outside. And moisturize like crazy. Keep reading: The secret to beautiful, line-free hands Q: Since I turned 40, I've noticed that though my skin is dry, my eyelids have gotten oily. What's up with that? A: Some of the things you write to me about, my friends, would terrify a lesser woman. (Or maybe just a younger woman.) As for oily lids: First, if you have blurry vision, you should consult a doctor to rule out a couple of conditions that might cause oil on the lids, says Sapna Westley, MD, clinical instructor in dermatology at St. Vincent's Hospital and Medical Center in New York City. Though oil glands usually become less active during perimenopause and menopause, in some women hormonal fluctuations can cause overactivity of those glands, which can lead to oily skin around the eyes and nose, she says. OrI'm sure you've thought of thisyou may be using too much eye cream. If you're finding it hard to wear eyeshadow or liner because it migrates off your lids, try an eyeshadow primer, which lays down a base that keeps your eye makeup in place. Bottom line: Hormonal fluctuations can cause various changes in your skin; oily eyelids is one of them.

5 Steps to Getting Gorgeous Legs

Oprah.com | From the May 2008 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

If you're letting a few veins, blotches, and bumps stand in the way of summer's fluttery little skirts, cool shorts, and the deliciousness of warm breezes on bare skin... stop right now and read this.
We know a woman, let's call her...Betty (as in Grable). She's smart. She's stylish. She's gorgeously statuesque. When the weather turns warm, she throws off her cashmere cardigan and happily exposes her lovely arms, her graceful neck, her splendid cleavage in gossamery, deep-cut blouses. Sleeveless, she strides briskly through the world like a woman who knows where she's going, and she does. The funny thing is: We've never seen her legs. For all we know, they could be navy blue. Or covered in silvery scales. No matter what season, her legs are sheathed in pants or concealed in tights. Even the long dog days of a New York City summer don't motivate her to liberate them. Why? She hates them. "You don't want to see my legs," she says ruefully. "They're pale. Veiny. Bruised. Dimpled. Oh, and my knees? Heading south."

We love tough cases. So we took this one on, making it our mission to free our friend from the shackles of her leg shame. Since self-tanners can serve as a soft-focus light on your legsblurring dimples, fading scars, making veins look less conspicuousthey topped our list of solutions. We tested dozens of them to come up with our favorites, and in the process figured out the best way to apply them. Then we asked doctors what they can do to make all the Bettys of the world feel better about their legs: What options are available to eliminate veins, fade bruises, and shore up saggy knees? And finally, we asked O's fashion team for clothes and strategies that will make anyone's legs look longer and leaner. So if you, like Betty, can hardly remember the feeling of a deliciously warm summer breeze brushing against your calves, we think you might be persuaded to reveal them after you read our Complete Guide to Legs You're Proud to Bare.

Problem 1: Ghostly Pallor

The obvious (and best) solution: self-tannersmaster dissemblers, gifted at bending the truth. See the best self-tanning products. The No-Fail, Four-Step Perfect Self-Tan After plenty of experience with dark patches and strange stripes, we've finally found a method that works every time. 1. Exfoliate. Are you more likely to follow directions when you know why you're doing something? Here you go: Since self-tanners react with the upper layers of your skin, if certain areas have thicker skin than others, your "tan" will be more concentrated there. In other words, you'll be splotchy. Buffing your skin with a scrub (look for one that's not too oily, like Neutrogena Energizing Sugar Body Scrub, $10) evens the tanning field. Give scalier areas, like your knees and feet, extra attention. 2. Moisturize. A thin coating of moisturizer smooths the surface of your legs and prevents streaks. It dilutes the self-tanner a bitbut what you lose in intensity you make up for in uniformity. Use a light lotion, like Nivea Smooth Sensation ($6); apply a generous dose to your palms, tooit'll keep the tanner from tinting them. 3. Apply. The directions on the bottle might tell you to start from your feet and work upbut don't. "Think about where the sun hits," says Kara Peterson, who trains aestheticians in the art of fake tanning at Clarins spas. "Start off in the middle of your thighs and the middle of your calves and blend out." Your feet and knees should get only whatever's left over. Also, do the job standing up, says Petersonwhen your knees are bent, you might apply too much to the stretched skin. 4. Shimmer. After your self-tanner has done its work, blend a slightly iridescent

lotion over the front and back of your thighs, along your shins, and down to your feet. "The strategically placed shine has a slimming effect," says Linda Hay, head makeup artist for Victoria's Secret Beauty. If you have olive or dark skin, you're luckyjust do step four. The 10-second leg beautifier: If self-tanning sounds too involved, there's one thing that makes legs look better in a flash: lotion. As we age, cell turnover slows down, and legs start to get scaly, says Heidi Waldorf, MD, director of laser and cosmetic dermatology at Mount Sinai Medical Center. If you have dark skin, this dryness may manifest as an ashy cast. A rich lotion smooths roughness and improves luminosity. Slather one on postshower, while your skin is damp. Waldorf likes Eucerin Plus Intensive Repair Body Creme ($8.50), which contains lactic acid to slough away flakes as it softens. (After you shave, though, use an acid-free lotion to avoid irritation.)

Problem 2: Scary Bruises

Do your legs often look as if you just played a game of one-on-one with David Beckham? You probably haven't gotten clumsierbut you may have lost some padding. "As we age, we lose the fat just beneath our skin that protects our blood vessels from trauma," says Francesca Fusco, MD, assistant clinical professor of dermatology at Mount Sinai School of Medicine. You can't do anything about the fat loss, but you can cut down on medications and supplements that make you more prone to bruising, such as aspirin, ibuprofen, and vitamin E. Fusco also recommends taking 250 to 500 milligrams of vitamin C, which can strengthen collagen in the blood vessel walls, every day. Once the damage is done, bromelain supplements may help the discolored areas heal more quickly; take 500 milligrams twice a day, says Leslie Baumann, MD, professor of dermatology at the University of Miami School of Medicine. Anecdotal evidence also suggests that topical arnica creams (try Boiron Arnicare Cream, $6) speed healing.

Problem 3: Saggy Knees

We think it's a fine idea that our knees are located smack in the middle of our legs: Without knees, so many delightful thingswalking, line-dancing, the lotus positionwould be a challenge. But when we recently noticed that our knees weren't looking as taut as they once did, their prominent placement began to seem unfortunate. Firming the quadriceps may improve things. "Tightening the muscles above the knees helps lift them," says Johanna Subotovsky, a trainer at Equinox Fitness. Sit at the edge of a chair and extend each leg until it's parallel to the floor, to boost quadriceps strength.

The only way to fully restore knees to their former glory involves surgery: No thanks. A less-invasive option could be coming soon. Doctors are investigating laser and radiofrequency treatments (brands include Titan and Thermage) as potential knee lifters. These procedures heat collagen, causing it to contract and tighten skin over time; one treatment (about $3,000 for both knees) is supposed to yield results over six months, and the effects can last up to two years. "I'm not confident in these treatments yet, but as the technology evolves, the knees will be an area that could be treated successfully," says Ranella Hirsch, MD, president of the American Society of Cosmetic Dermatology & Aesthetic Surgery.

Problem 4: Visible Veins

Maybe you noticed a couple of faint squiggles around your ankles a few years back. Now you see blue lines, like kudzu gone wild, creeping behind your knees, over your thighs. You have several options to get rid of them, depending on the type of veins you're dealing with; all require a doctor's appointment. Itsy-Bitsy Spiders: The tiniest veins can be zapped with a Vbeam, YAG, or diode laser. The beam destroys the walls of the veins (it will feel like a few quick rubber-band snaps), causing them to disappear within about two weeks. About three treatments, at $300 to $400 each, are necessary. Smooth Squiggles: When a vein is large enough to be threaded with a small needle, sclerotherapy is the most effective option. A solution is injected into individual veins to irritate and collapse them; the body then reabsorbs them over the following weeks. Glycerin works for smaller veins, and saline or Sotradecol (a sodium sulfate compound) is most effective on larger ones, says Neil Sadick, MD, clinical professor of dermatology at New YorkPresbyterian Hospital/Weill Cornell Medical Center. The injected sites may sting slightly for about five minutes, says Heidi Waldorf. When larger veins are treated, they sometimes feel slightly sore, like a muscle ache, for a day or so. Two or three treatments are usually necessary, and the veins look worse before they get better (in about a month). Treatments cost $300 to $500. Ropy Bulges: When veins protrude, doctors recommend "endovenous closure," a procedure performed under local anesthesia in which a radiofrequency or laser fiber is inserted into the vein; energy is applied to heat the vein's walls, causing it to collapse. One treatment is sufficient, but can cost from $3,500 to $6,000 per leg (doctors usually treat one leg at a time). Most patients experience pressure and burning for about five minutes of the 30minute procedure, says vascular surgeon Norman Chideckel, MD, assistant clinical professor of surgery at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine of Yeshiva University. Afterward you have to wear compression stockings and endure some discomfort (mild enough to be treated with Advil) for several days.

Problem 5: Lumps & Bumps

Some dimpled thighs can be adorable. But you probably don't find yourself cooing over yours. Cellulite is a fact of life for about 90 percent of us, and as of yet, there's not a lot we can do about it. "Cellulite isn't just regular shapeless fat like you might find on your stomach," says Ranella Hirsch. "In the thigh area, women have fibrous strips of tissue under the surface of the skin that create a sort of tic-tac-toe pattern. Any fat is pushed up against this grid, which is what causes dimpling." A few high-tech machines are approved by the FDA for a temporary reduction in the appearance of cellulite (there is no indication how long results might last). The most promising at the moment are the VelaShape (which combines radiofrequency and infrared light energy, suction, and mechanical massage) and SmoothShapes (a hybrid of laser, light, massage, and suction). Most doctors say a series of treatments will noticeably smooth bumpsbut consistent maintenance is necessary. VelaShape requires a touch-up every three to six months, SmoothShapes at least once a year. "You definitely have to keep going back, with no end in sight," says Heidi Waldorf, who doesn't offer the treatments in her practice for this reason. "But if your cellulite really bothers you, and you have endless time and money..." (Four weekly VelaShape sessions cost about $2,000; a package of eight SmoothShapes treatmentsthe company recommends two a week for one monthruns $2,400 to $3,400.) Liposuction is a one-shot deal, but even this invasive procedure won't necessarily improve cellulite. "Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't, and sometimes it makes cellulite worse," says Waldorf. You can suck out some of the fat, but you can't do anything about the fibrous bands that create dimpling. (This is also why all the squats, lunges, and leg lifts in the world won't help cellulite.) For the time being, doctors advise staying away from any cellulite treatment that involves a needle. Mesotherapy is a catchall term for injecting who-knows-what into cellulite in an effort to liquidate it. "It's not regulated," says Francesca Fusco. Lipodissolve involves injecting a specific ingredient that has been shown to dissolve fat (in test tubes). "There have been reports of some very scary side effects, though," says Fusco. "It's promising, and some very respected doctors are conducting studies, but I wouldn't recommend it anytime soon." Topical cellulite creams contain ingredients (usually caffeine or a derivative) that act as diuretics, removing moisture from the skin, which makes it firmer for a few hours. (So: Rub it in, get to the beach, and get back fast?) Some of these creams also contain retinol, which helps refine the surface of the skin and can boost collagen production. Over time retinol improves the texture of your skin (but not your cellulite). Bottom line: Practice acceptanceand find a great pair of shorts.

O Investigates: Can You Nourish Your Skin from the Inside Out?
By Jenny Bailly Oprah.com | From the December 2008 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Fifty million dollars. That's how much Americans spent last year on "nutricosmetics"drinks, pills, even candies that claim to clear breakouts, smooth wrinkles, or fade blotches. But dermatologists and nutritionists aren't convinced that these increasingly popular products are wise investments. "Certain supplements, like fish oil, may improve the quality of your skin, but there's no FDA oversight of them, so it's hard to know how much of the nutrient is actually being absorbed by your body and is affecting your complexion," says Jessica Wu, assistant clinical professor of dermatology at the University of Southern California. A diet packed with lean proteins, whole grains, and fruits and vegetables, however, is likely to have a positive effect on your face. "Improving your eating habits isn't going to eliminate wrinkles or sagging, but research shows it will improve the tone and texture of your skin," says Mary Lupo, MD, clinical professor of dermatology at Tulane University School of Medicine. Tomatoes Loaded with lycopene, cooked tomatoes (in juice or sauce) can protect skin against sunburn. Try to consume about one cup a week, paired with a healthy fat (like olive oil or avocado), which will help your body absorb the lycopene. Nuts and Fish "Research suggests that their high concentrations of omega-3 fatty acids can hydrate the skin and lessen the appearance of deep wrinkles," says nutritionist Dawn Jackson Blatner, who recommends eating 12 ounces of fish (such as salmon or cod) every week, or 1 ounce of walnuts a day. You should notice a

change in your skin in about six weeks. Kiwis, Blueberries, Sweet Potatoes These are just a few of the brightly colored foods that are rich in antioxidant vitamins C and E; when taken orally, they can help protect against UV damage. A study published last year found that a diet high in vitamin C was associated with less skin dryness and wrinkling. Blatner recommends eating 2.5 cups of fruit and 2 cups of vegetables every day. Red Meat, White Kidney Beans, Yogurt, and Oysters They're all high in zinc, which is essential for collagen formation. You need, for example, three ounces of beef, one cup of yogurt, and half a cup of white kidney beans, or just one incredibly zinc-heavy oyster, daily, says nutritionist Lisa Drayer, author of The Beauty Diet. Green Leafy Vegetables, Such as Spinach and Swiss Chard A recent study found that people with a history of squamous cell carcinoma who ate about two servings of these greens weekly reduced their risk of subsequent skin cancers. Researchers credit the vegetables' high concentration of the organic pigments lutein and zeaxanthin. They also contain vitamin K, which has been shown to strengthen blood vessels and may help prevent varicose veins.

6 Quick Beauty Fixes for All Your Summer Skin Issues

By Jenny Bailly Oprah.com | From the July 2011 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Trust us: It's way too hot to wear pants. Here's how to get your legs (and arms, and chest) ready for the season's skin-baring outfits.
A Spotless Dcolletage A retinoid creameither prescription, like Retin-A, or over-the-counter (look for retinol in the ingredient list)will lighten discoloration and soften rough patches caused by sun damage. Two to four treatments with a KTP laser or intense pulsed light (IPL) can more dramatically minimize both the brown spots and redness caused by UV exposure. (Cost: At least $500 per session.) A fractional nonablative laser, like the Fraxel Dual, greatly improves not just the color but also the texture of the skin. You'll probably need at least two treatments. (Cost: Around $1,000 each.) Silky Legs A rich shaving cream and a four-blade razor (try Bic Soleil Bella, $7) are all you need to get smooth legs for at least a day or two. Laser treatments can drastically reduce the amount of hair on your legs (or bikini line or underarms) for good. After three monthly sessions, most patients have 50 to 80 percent less hair in the treated area, says Tina Alster, MD, clinical professor of dermatology

at Georgetown University Medical Center. (Cost: About $350 for each laser session.) Veinless Legs Self-tanner works like magic to make leg veins less noticeable. Try L'Oral Paris Sublime Bronze Clear Self-Tanning Gel ($10.50) for natural color and nonstreaky finish. Sclerotherapyin which a solution is injected into individual veinswill get rid of those blue squiggles permanently. Until recently, most doctors used saline, which could sting, but many have now switched to the painless Asclera, made with a detergent solution called polidocanol (approved by the FDA last year). Two or three treatments are usually necessary, and the veins look worse before they get better in about a month. (Cost: Around $350 per treatment.) Scar-Free Skin While a stretch mark or scar is still red (which can last from months to years), three or four treatments with a Vbeam pulsed-dye laser will improve its appearance considerably, says Arielle Kauvar, MD, clinical professor of dermatology at NYU Medical Center. (Cost: At least $300 per session.) Once the mark has turned white, the best treatment option is a nonablative fractional laser. Four or five sessions can improve the mark's color and texture from 50 to 90 percent. (Cost: $400 to $1,600 each.) For an immediate fix, use a heavy, fullcoverage concealer (like Dermablend Quick-Fix Concealer, $22); match it to the darker skin around the mark. A Slimmer Silhouette Even sylphlike models slip into shapewear to minimize bulges around the hips and waist. When temperatures are high, try Jockey's lightweight Shaper Brief ($19). Looking for a longer-term solution? A new device, Zeltiq's CoolSculpting, uses intense cold to destroy fat cells. CoolSculpting was approved by the FDA last fall for body contouring, and doctors are excited about the results. "It's fantastic for getting rid of pockets of localized fat, like love handles or muffin top," says Jeffrey Dover, MD, associate clinical professor of dermatology at Yale School of Medicine. The procedure is virtually painless; some patients experience aching in the treated area for a few days afterward, but most have no side effects. You'll see the maximum results after four months; more than one treatment may be necessary. (Cost: About $1,400 per treatment.) Firm Knees A long skirt can still allow for a sexy flash of your knees. If yours look more droopy than you'd like, tightening your quadriceps with squats might help. Are you convinced you want to tighten the skin around your knees? Then you'll have to visit a dermatologist. Some have seen noticeable results from Ulthera, a new device that heats the lower layers of the skin with ultrasound to spur collagen growth. One treatment should do, but it hurtsmost patients take a prescription pain medication, like Percocet, and an antianxiety pill, like Valium. Thermage, which uses radiofrequency energy to grow new collagen, can also tighten loose skin on the knees and is less painful than Ulthera. (Cost for either: At least $600.) Both techniques are most effective in the early stages of sagging.

Men vs. Women: Matters of the Heart

By Miriam E. Nelson, MD Oprah.com | July 09, 2008

The line in the Joe Jackson song, Dont you know that its different for girls? refers to the way emotions play out differently in womens hearts than in mens. But womens hearts themselves are different.
No matter what your gender, you have about 100,000 miles of blood vessels in your body enough to circle the earth four times. And your heart pumps about 4,300 gallons of blood through those vessels each day to every single organ and other tissues in your body. The blood drops off oxygen and nutrients to all of the bodys cells, and it picks up carbon dioxide and other waste. But inside a woman, a heart has a distinctly feminine touch. Consider these differences between women and men.

Warning Signs Men: Often the first sign of heart disease is a heart attack itself, a feeling like the chest is being run over by a Mack truck. Women: Womens first warning signs are much more subtle and often hard to pinpoint. They may feel fatigue when doing something that they used to do easily, such as play tennis, run to catch a train, change sheets, or walk up two flights of stairs. Sometimes heart disease registers in women as a feeling of mild indigestion. Often theres no chest pain whatsoever. Our Arteries Men: Mens arteries are large compared to womens. Women: Womens smaller arteries make procedures like bypass surgery trickier. A bypass is a rerouting of blood from a blocked or nearly blocked blood vessel to a healthy one. Small vessels are harder to work worth, which may be part of the reason that, in a review of some 300,000 people undergoing bypass surgery, the death rate was higher in women than in men. Our Emotions Men: Preliminary research suggests that men with type A personalities which go hand in hand with hostility, cynicism, and impatience are more likely than other men to die after a heart attack. Women: Women seem more likely to die after a heart attack if they repress anger and react without agitation to stressful events. Social Behavior Men: Research has not generally linked social isolation to heart attacks in males. Women: Research on non-human primates suggests that social isolation and limited freedom of movement boosts heart disease among females. Furthermore, female monkeys housed alone have more extensive hardening of the arteries than female monkeys housed in social groups. We women need each other to keep our hearts in good shape. Taking Women More Seriously

Women undergo intensive treatment for heart disease much less often than men with symptoms that are just as severe. Womens more vague heart disease symptoms continue to be overlooked. In one study, women under 55 were seven times more likely than any other group not to be hospitalized from the emergency room when they were suffering from a type of heart problem called acute angina.

Women who have had a heart attack are less likely than male heart attack patients to undergo a procedure known as cardiac catheterization, which analyzes blood flow in the arteries leading to the heart to assess the exact location and degree of damage. Women are much less likely than men to undergo a standard treadmill test, which helps pinpoint heart disease risk. Thats true even though it has been found that a womans results on a standardized treadmill test might be more predictive of whether shell die than a man.

Tending to Our Hearts Women often downplay red flags such as persistent fatigue, ongoing indigestion, and the like. They misinterpret their own vague symptoms, assuming that their hearts are immune to trouble.

Women wait longer than men to get to the hospital when theyre having a heart attack. More muscle has died by the time they receive treatment. If youre not feeling yourself, get to the doctors office. Women often have a month or more between not feeling up-to-snuff and the onset of a heart attack. Men typically dont have that window of opportunity.

Men, Women and Depression

Oprah.com | January 01, 2006

According to psychiatrist Dr. Gail Saltz, author of Anatomy of a Secret Life: Are the People in Your Life Hiding Something You Should Know, major depression and dysthymia affect twice as many women as men. This two-to-one ratio exists regardless of racial and ethnic background or economic status. Although it's the same condition, it's important to note that the signs of depression in women and men can be very different. Women and Depression A variety of factors that are unique to women's lives are suspected to play a role in developing depression. Research is focused on understanding these factors, including:

Reproductive Hormonal Genetic or other biological factors Abuse and oppression Interpersonal factors

 Certain psychological and personality characteristics Still, the specific causes of depression in women remain unclear, and many women exposed to these factors never develop depression.

In particular, societal factors may contribute to a woman's depression, because Dr. Saltz says women are more socialized to be passive and tend to blame themselves when something doesn't go right. Women are more likely to suffer guilt and appear genuinely hopeless and genuinely feel bad about themselves. "Women particularly feel tremendous overwhelming guilt. You don't take pleasure in anything," Dr. Saltz says. "[They feel] guilt about everything and anything and things that are irrational'I'm a bad person.' In fact, when you go on to have severe, severe, severe depression, which can become psychotic, you can have delusions that, 'I am so bad that my insides are rotting. My brain is rotting.'" Men and Depression According to a February 2007 Newsweek cover story, 6 million men will be diagnosed with depression this year alone. Millions more will go undiagnosed, Dr. Saltz says, because men do not generally display the more outward signs of depression, such as crying or expressing a sense of hopelessness. Instead, Dr. Saltz says men tend to shift the blame for how they are feeling from what they feel on the inside to outside things. "Men exhibit through anger or irritability. Men are more likely to be overlooked because they appear to be a 'jerk,'" Dr. Saltz says. "They are less likely to think it is depression because they will externalize. It's the 'bad boss' or the 'bad wife.'" In addition to being less likely to see a doctor or a health professional who might notice signs of depression, Dr. Saltz says men are more prone to using alcohol or drug abuse as an outlet, making it more difficult for others to see the signs of depression. "People may think, 'He's a mean drunk,'" Dr. Saltz says. Eventually, people may just assume a man suffers from alcoholism, not depression. Is depression becoming more prevalent in our society? It's hard to say, Dr. Saltz says. "There's always been a lot of depression. It just hadn't been recognized. From bad humors in the body and melancholia, it's been talked about in history but never understood as a medical illness," she says. Although modern society has a number of conveniences, Dr. Saltz notes that today's sense of competition can prevent people from asking for help. "Which doesn't jibe so well with reaching out to others and saying, 'You know what? I need help. I'm not doing so hot,'" she says. "And frankly, that really prevents people from seeking help and saying things are not okay by me."

4 Checklists for Your FirstAid Emergencies

Oprah.com | From the January 2003 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Aches. Pains. Gashes. Sprains. Are you ready for anything? Here are four checklists to help you equip every corner of the house.
Medicine Chest:

To treat a fever or pain from headaches to minor sprains: acetaminophen (like Tylenol); a nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drug, such as ibuprofen (Advil, Motrin); and aspirin. Avoid giving aspirin to children. To treat diarrhea: Imodium. Especially for children and the elderly, who can easily become dehydrated (but should not be given to children under 6 without a doctor's approval). A backup supply of routine medication. Asthmatics should keep extra metered-dose inhalers; people with severe allergic reactions should keep EpiPen (an auto injector that administers epinephrine) and antihistamines.

First-Aid Kit:

For poisoning: activated charcoal, which slows the absorption of any chemicals or medications that may have been swallowed. (Do not administer unless instructed by your local poison control center). For treating small wounds: an antibacterial ointment that contains bacitracin, like Neosporin, but not hydrogen peroxide or alcohol, which may damage tissue in a wound. Band-Aids, gauze, sterile bandages and adhesive tape. An ACE bandage to provide compression and reduce swelling of a sprained ankle or knee. Thermometer. Tweezers.

Kitchen:

Ice packs, to reduce swelling from stings, strains or sprains, or other traumas. (Buy reusable or chemically activated cold packs from the drugstore or fill plastic bags with ice. An electrolyte solution like Gatorade or other sports drink to replenish fluids lost through diarrhea, vomiting or excessive perspiration. For diabetics, some form of sugar that can be rapidly absorbed, like fruit juice or sugar packets, in case blood sugar levels dip below normal.

Important Reminders:

Check expiration dates on medication twice a year, and replace any old drugs. Keep the numbers of your family doctors, the local poison control center and emergency room near the phone. Write a short medical history of each family member and keep it accessible. So in an emergency situation, you will be able to tell medical staff relevant information about allergies, prescription medications and prior conditions or surgeries. There is no need to stock up on decongestants or cough syrup. Most people buy medication when they're sick; by the next time you fall ill, it may have expired.

Dr. Oz's Surprising First-Aid Fixes for Summer Woes

Oprah.com | From the June 2011 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

O's health expert turns vinegar, toothpaste and tea into brilliant first-aid fixes.
Blistering Heat, stinging jellyfish, kamikaze mosquitoes, and sharp branches lurking along every hiking pathsummer days are booby-trapped with minor health miseries. But there are more ways to fight back than you might think, and many can be found right in your kitchen cupboards. Here are five summer woes and their unexpected antidotes. Tame Bug Bites With Toothpaste A biting mosquito injects saliva into your skin, prompting your body to release histamine as part of an inflammatory response that causes itching and swelling. Fight this reaction by rubbing toothpaste into the bite: Mint varieties generally contain menthol (which calms temperature-sensitive nerves, producing a cooling sensation that helps relieve itching). You might also look for a brand that has the antibacterial ingredient triclosan (an anti-inflammatory that may reduce the size of welts).

Soothe Sunburn With Tea If you get scorched, sponge the burn with cooled chamomile tea, which has anti-inflammatory properties. To minimize peeling, make a paste of papaya, using a blender, and apply it to the affected area; the fruit contains an enzyme called papain that helps speed the healing process by breaking down dead skin and allowing new tissue to grow. You can also help prevent burns in the first place by eating tomatoes, which contain the antioxidant lycopene (the highest concentrations are found in tomato paste, sauce, and juice). Research has found that lycopene helps the body protect itself against UV rays, possibly by neutralizing harmful free radicals. Calm Jellyfish With Vinegar When a jellyfish attacks, it implants thousands of tiny darts, called nematocysts, into your skin. If you're stung, fill a bucket with vinegar and soak the affected area for 15 to 30 minutes; the acetic acid in the vinegar stops the nematocysts from releasing more venom (if you don't have vinegar, Coca-Cola is a slightly less effective substitute by virtue of its phosphoric acid). Next, scrape the area with a credit card or knife edge to remove any clinging nematocysts. As with bee stings, some people are allergic to jellyfish, so seek emergency help if you experience hives or wheezing. Cool "Prickly Heat" With Peppermint Heat rashes happen when sweat ducts become blocked, trapping perspiration under the skin and causing a breakout of itchy, red bumps. For a two-in-one remedy, try iced peppermint tea, which you can both drink and dab onto the rash; peppermint contains cooling menthol, which reduces irritation. Pat the affected area dry and dust on some cornstarch or baby powder. Heal Cuts With Honey To minimize the risk of infection and scarring, clean around the wound with soap and flush with warm water, then coat it with honey and cover with a bandage; this sticky fluid contains antimicrobials and has been found to reduce inflammation.

A 6-Step Plan for a Fantastic, Food-Centric Summer

You know how sometimes you keep daydreaming of something, only to realize it's here right now, if only you'd open your eyes and see it? That's how I felt this morning, when I woke up thinking, "Well, summer's coming, and isn't that going to be great? I'm going to drink iced tea and eat fruit from the farmers' market and make lots of ice cream and..." Reality check: That holiday weekend over a week ago heralded the start of summer. It's here. I have 13 weeks until Labor Day, and if September 5 rolls around and I have yet to drink an Arnold Palmer, I'm going to be whining, "How did I let this happen?" To avoid that, I've drawn up a list of summer food resolutions... 1. Go to the greenmarket at least once a week for fruit (strawberries now, cherries in July, peaches in August) and vegetables (especially arugula and corn). Though, I refuse to fall for those pricey zucchini flowers...at least not too often. 2. Always have home-brewed iced tea in the fridge. 3. Eat more no-cook dinners, whether it's a chilled soup, cold roasted chicken, a hacked meal or a big salad. 4. Don't wait for special occasions to try a new ice cream recipe. My machine gets a lot of action in the summertime, but mostly to make my standbys, such as vanilla, butterscotch pecan and toasted almond gelato. This year, I'm going to attempt some new combinations. Even if it's Tuesday. Even if no one's coming over. 5. Cut down on my caffeine intake by mixing regular iced coffee with decaf. 6. Picnics on the weekends! Yes, you can get fancy, though I usually stick to a loaf of bread, a piece of cheese and a few things from a local specialty food shop's salad bar.

Organize Your Home for Summer - Summer Organizing - Peter Walsh

The design expert shows a Midwestern family how to lighten up and enjoy the season.
By Meredith Bryan O, The Oprah Magazine | From the June 2011 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

The winter was brutal, much to Chicagoans' discontent. But now it's spring at Cynthia Tobin's home in a leafy suburb north of the city, and the mood here is warm and hopeful. As the flowers bud outside, organizing whizPeter Walsh, star of the Oprah Winfrey Network's Enough Already!, sorts through a slow-moving glacier of bills, permission slips, and grade school artwork threatening to take over the kitchen side counter. His goal: to make the space bright and airynot to mention usablefor summer. You could say he's helping Tobin thaw out her kitchen. A former financial analyst, Tobin runs her family's lives with impressive efficiency but is less exacting about their home, which, despite ample natural light, spends much of the year darkened by an intractable layer of clutter. As she multitasks to stay on top of her son's Mandarin lessons and her daughter's ballet commitments, Tobin lets the seasons pass without strategic purging; heavy coats dominate the closets well into August. She tries to straighten up each night, but too often this means shuffling papers from one counter to another before collapsing on the couch to watch whatever she's DVR'd

Modern Family,30 Rockwith her husband, Corey. If none of this suggests hoarding tendencies, neither does it encourage the singular pleasures of summeran afternoon spent absorbed in a book (the house needs tidying!), a spontaneous barbecue with friends (ditto), kicking a ball around in the backyard with the kids (who can find the ball?). To Walsh, organization means more time to spend with family and enjoy the extra daylight. "The wordsorganic and organize have the same root," he says. "Organic makes me think of things that are fresh, natural, whole, and healthyand organization brings the same mood into a space."

A Chaotic Catchall... Walsh has been enlisted to help "summerize" Tobin's housein other words, to de-clutter, add storage for winter items, and incorporate a few key brightening accents. As Walsh sees it, the problem is that much of the family's stuff has no permanent home. Since no one knows where to put anything, it spreads across all available real estate (the coffee table, the counters, the floor). The kitchen, where Tobin mans her laptop and prepares meals, is the family's hub, but when Tobin enters it each morning, she feels panicked. Bills go unpaid, jury summonses ignored. She is perpetually behind and overwhelmed. "When the house is clean, I have this feeling of freedom," she admits.

...Becomes a Bright and Serviceable Mail Center Walsh designs a "mail center": three stacked letter trays on the counter into which mail will be sorted immediately upon entering the house. One tray is for open bills and other matters needing attention, one is for things requiring Corey's input, and one (the top and most easily accessible) is for notes and reminders from the kids' school. Invitations to upcoming social events, meanwhile, get an upright magazine file. When Tobin explains that she often abandons new mail to make lunch or grab a phone that's ringing off the hook, Walsh says, "Later is the best friend of clutter." In other words, "You can't always let the urgent take precedence over the important." Add Winter Storage Tobin's house has closets and a garage, meaning she can get by without storing seasonal stuff in the basement. But creating a designated space for sleds, skates, and outerwear "gives your closets and garage a lighter feel," Walsh explains, "and lets your space breathe." He helps Tobin corral the family's heavy coats and hang them on a canvas-covered garment rack he's set up next to industrial plastic shelving in the basement; on the shelves he places Corey's

snowboard boots and helmetswhich were crowding the gardening equipment in the garageand boxes of scarves, gloves, and hats, all clearly labeled. "When the first snow comes, I'm in a mad dash trying to find mittens," says Tobin, who is thrilled to have her family's entire stash in one place, as well as extra space in the garage. Clear Your Surfaces In the living room toys, DVDs, and issues of Architectural Digest proliferate unchecked. "Where does it all belong?" asks Walsh, bewildered by the lack of storage. He produces a clear acrylic rack for Tobin's magazines. Then he instructs her to keep only three back issues of any title. "But" protests Tobin, reaching for a 2007 issue of Elegant Homes. "Your house will never look like that," says Walsh. "Nor should it. What's important is that your space works for your family." On to the toys. Walsh tells Tobin to be ruthless. "Back in the day, you got a stick and you were happy!" he trills, tossing dolls and beeping trains toward several canvas folding bins he's provided; whatever doesn't fit has to go. "Without exception, when you throw away 90 percent of the toys you think your kids need, they come into the room and start dancing." This inspires Tobin to part with a few plastic teacups. Create a Lighter Ambience By now, the house feelswell, like it's taking a deep breath. "Think of your fondest images of summer," Walsh says. "For me, it's an open door, a blue sky, a thin curtain blowing in the breeze...." Now it's time to "bring that sense of light into the space," he says. Which means Tobin's taupe throw pillows are taken to be cleaned, replaced by a cheerier set in oranges and whites. The coffee table, meanwhile pushed aside to make room for the toysreturns to its rightful place in front of the couch, set with a vase of fresh flowers (the quickest way to bring "clarity" to a room, says Walsh). Next to it, Tobin's new magazine rack and an additional standing lamp form the perfect reading nook. Corey's guitar, long banished to the basement, stakes out a space in the corner. The room is now a refuge for the whole family: perfect for games, relaxing with a glass of wine, watching a DVDor leaving, anxiety-free, to spend a summer evening outside.

Ask Bob Greene's Team: What's the Best Time of Day to Work Out?
Every week or so, we'll be asking one of the Best Life experts for advice on diet and exercise, ways to get better rest and strategies to live a little younger.
Q: What's the best time of day to work out? A: We asked Michelle Kennedy, M.S., Best Life fitness expert, to answer this question. "It depends on your moods, energy level, work schedule, and family and personal obligations." Read Kennedy's advice to find out what time works best for you:

Are you a night person who just signed up for sunrise cycling sessions? If you can never seem to get going until after lunch, it's probably not a good idea to commit to a 6 a.m. spin class. The first time you miss that morning workout, you'll feel like you just blew the whole day, and it will sap your motivation. Likewise, if you tend to hit a slump around 4 p.m., it's going to be hard to get yourself to do anything at that time, never mind something challenging that will get your heart rate up. I believe that you should make every effort to schedule your workout for the time of day when you feel in your physical prime. Of course, your work schedule might force you to override your natural rhythms. Those on the night shift, for example, should try to avoid intense physical activity close to bedtime (especially since you're already sleeping at odd times). Here are more success strategies for making healthy living compatible with unconventional schedules. If you're a morning person but you've got a lot of breakfast meetings, then pick an evening time slot or class, and stick to it. When you have a regular fitness appointment, you schedule the rest of your life around

your workout instead of trying to fit your workout into your life. Even if you're not a morning person, there are good reasons why many of my clients prefer to work out first thing:

They get it done before life gets in the way -- and life always seems to have a way of interfering with exercise, whether in the form of a stomachache, a big lunch, a looming deadline, a bad day--or a celebratory one--or a family situation. Another bonus: they carry that feeling of accomplishment with them throughout the day. Bob Greene is also a fan of morning workouts. Read how Bob has converted night-owls into early birds, and how his advice could work for you, too.

Are you focused on weight loss--or are you aiming for a personal best? If your main goal is weight loss, research has shown that any amount of movement you can do is better than nothing--even accomplishing 10,000 steps a day has led to weight loss for people without structured exercise programs. Find more ways to schedule fitness into a busy day. If you're training for a competition or want to consistently improve your fitness level, on the other hand, might want to save your hard training for the afternoon. I've seen research that says that our body temperature peaks in the late afternoon/early evening, which means your muscles will be better warmed up, you'll feel slightly stronger and more flexible, and your endurance capacity for tough workouts may be higher. One more thing for those who want to pump up their fitness level: Ever notice how there are sessions when everything just seems to click, and others during which you feel like you're dragging through quicksand? If you work out at the same time of day, your energy level and general preparedness should be the same from day to day. Because you're starting from the same baseline, it should be easier for you to figure out the change that's affecting your performance: Are you tired? Hungry? Emotionally exhausted from work? From a late night?

Deep Sleep Now

By Dr. Oz and Dr. Michael Roizen Oprah.com | January 15, 2006

Sleep seems like it should be easy and not given much thought change into pj's, brush teeth, crawl into bed, shut eyes, see you in the morning. If only! Get your room ready, hit the sheets with our better-sleep guide, and make healthy sleep your reality.
First, Make a Plan for Sleep Decide when you want to wake up and count backward about seven hours. Now take about a 15-minute period before that to start your slowdown process. That means taking five minutes to finish up must-do chores, followed by five minutes of hygiene stuff (flossing, washing your face and so on) and five minutes of relaxing into your sleep state, through things like meditation and saying "I love you" as you lie in bed. Then, stop doing things at night that are counter-productive to actually sleeping. Instead, make slight changes in your rituals to prepare your body for rest.

Dim your lights several hours before bed to avoid the stimulation caused by artificial light pollutionwhich is all around us through TV, computers and indoor lightingand serves to stimulate us.

Come up with a regular, rhythmic evening ritual that allows you to

embrace anxieties that get released when you slow down. Meditation, prayer and deep breathing are all good methods. Surrender to sleep. After all, you go to the movies, you shouldn't go to sleep. There is nothing you have to do to sleepexcept let go of waking. Practice "dying" into sleeprather than forcing yourself to sleepand cultivate awareness of your personal twilight zone. 5 Ways to Set the Mood for Sleep 1. A Cool, Dark Room Everyone, well almost everyone, is aware of personal hygienebut most people don't think about sleep hygiene! Create the perfect sleep environment, and get the zzz's you deserve. The temperature and darkness is a signal to the pineal gland to kick up melatonin production and knock you out. 2. No Laptops, No TV Ideally, the bed is used for two things and two things only. If you have any other type of stimulus like work, or a TV, you're not sending your body the right message that it's time for sleep. Need more incentive to kick those late-night hosts to the living room? People who don't have a TV in the bedroom have 50 percent more sex than those who do. 3. Add White Noise Use a fan for background noise, or get one of those machines that lets you pick sounds, from the rainforest to the ocean. This drowns out the couple fighting next door and the drag races outside so your subconscious stays pristine as you count sheep. 4. Dress Appropriately The best clothing should be nonrestricting and nonallergenic (both the fabric and how it's washed). Your body is better at keeping itself hot than keeping itself cool, so you'll make it easier on yourself the fewer and looser clothes you wear. 5. Establish a Standard Wake-up Time This includes weekends! This helps reset your circadian rhythm and trains you to stay on schedule if your rhythms happen to wander, like during traveling. Get the Best Mattress We believe there are four things in life you should overpay for. The first three: Pillows, mattresses and their coverings. The fourth thing? A good kitchen knife (not to be used in the bed).

While there's no one standard mattress that works for everyone, you have to pick what feels right for youand try it out with your partner if you sleep with one. But you can't judge that in 30 seconds in a store. Tell the salesperson to back off and give you 15 minutes to get the feel for a mattress before you pick it. Judge it for comfort, support and heat (you don't want heat dissipated too quickly, but a mattress pad may help). One good option: A memory foam mattress, which bounces back to the original flat plane after you get out of bed (rather than forming an indentation). However, they can be costlyup to $2,500. Instead, you can take a standard mattress and flip it every couple months to avoid body indentations that will disrupt your sleep. And get a 1 micron cover that blocks allergens from floating from the pillow or mattress to your nose and body. Fight Insomnia and Get Your Mind Off Sleep Tossing and turning works for salads, not sleep problems. If you can't fall asleep within 15 minutes, the answer is not to keep trying. Don't force yourself to stay in bed, because the wait will be interminable. Instead, get out of bed and do some light activity. Getting your mind off sleep resets and reboots your system. Try a yoga pose, meditation or a short walk. To get back to sleep, music and meditation seem to work best. Generally, we don't like telling you not to do somethingunless it's smoking, slurping trans fats or spending 16 hours in front of the tube. But for optimum sleep preparation, there are a few things you should avoid to increase your chance of fallingand stayingasleep.

No alcohol or nicotine for 1.5 hours before bed No exercise that makes you sweat for 1.5 hours before bed (doing things that make you sweat in bed are okay) No caffeine, caffeinated beverages or food or caffeine in pills for as long as you need to avoid (we recommend three hours) before bed No eating three hours before bed, so you can avoid reflux issues that can disturb sleep

Find Your Pain and Treat Allergies Some sleep problems don't arise because of worry or melatonin problems. Some are caused because your back hurts like stink. Truth is, some people get through general back pain or knee pain during the day because they're so

focused on other things. But when trying to get to sleep, they feel the painand focus on it. A simple over-the-counter anti-inflammatory medication can helpnot specifically to get you to sleep, but to help alleviate the pain that's preventing you from sleeping. Take aspirin with a glass of water at least one hour before bedtime so that the acid doesn't have as much chance of refluxing up from your stomach to your esophagus. Allergies can make sleeping trouble worse because of the congestion they cause. About 40 percent of people with allergic rhinitis have trouble sleeping. Over-the-counter nasal strips and sprays help open up everything and clear up symptoms like headaches, watery eyes, runny nose or new-onset snoring. If you experience those symptoms and aren't aware of any allergies, search for the source in unexpected places. Some have allergies to gluten (wheat, barley, oats), which can lead to congestion and increase insomnia, as can allergies to detergents and the cleaning products you use on your clothes or sheets. One note: Decongestant nasal sprays are addictive and raise your blood pressure. Saline or antihistamine sprays (or a prescription steroid spray) are better options. New Approaches to Lack of Sleep You'd think that the way to treat a lack of sleep is to get more of it, but one way that sleep docs treat insomnia is by making their patients sleep less. For instance, they'll take a patient getting five hours a night and force them to get only four a night, and then gradually increase for 10 or 15 minutes a night once a week. The sleep-deprivation approach can work as a way to force your body to reset back into a regular sleeping pattern. Another option to consider is herbal remedies. Several supplements have been shown to decrease sleep problems. Valerian root (at a recommended dose of 300 milligrams) contains ingredients with sedative properties and is generally considered one of the more effective herbal therapies for sleep. And studies have shown that the ingredients in ginseng (at a recommended dose of 200 to 600 milligrams of the extract) help decrease the amount of wakefulness in a 12-hour period and increase the amount of slow-wave sleep.

The Nude Attitude

By Deborah Way Oprah.com | From the July 2007 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Laure Redmond tells Deborah Way why life is so much better for women who feel good nakedand how you can join their ranks. (No weight loss necessary, we promise.)
For years Laure Redmond hated her body: too fat, too freckled, too lumpy, too stumpy. And that hatred was like a set of shackles holding her back from life. Now a self-esteem coach who specializes in mind/body issues, Redmond has made a career of helping women and teenage girls get over what she calls their body demons. Her goal for them is summed up in the title of her 2001 book: Feel Good Naked. It's not about naked for naked's sake, she saysit's about the amazing confidence that comes with being at ease in your own skin. O: Let's be clear here: You're not advocating some kind of nudist revolution, correct? Laure: (Laughs) No, streaking is not going to make a comeback as a result of my message. I just want women to feel good about their bodies so they can feel good about themselvesbecause when a woman feels good naked, it shows. She has an allure that comes through in the way she moves or talks or laughs. Her confidence isn't rooted in her clothing size or facial features but in her

attitudefun, delightful, free. O: That sounds fabulous. Laure: Yes, but it's not easy. For lots of women, even the word "naked" brings huge discomfort. I was volunteering at my child's school once when another mother, who had heard I was an author, asked me the title of my book. When I told her, she set down the envelopes she'd been stuffing, grabbed her purse, and left the building without saying another word. O: Did that surprise you? Laure: Unfortunately, no. I'm no longer shocked by negative reactions to the idea of nakedness. I call it naked fear. We button up. We shut ourselves down. We have an overwhelming paranoia about fat. We can't be free with our forms. O: Getting over our horror of our bodies must make things better in the bedroom. Laure: Oh, yes. What's sexy in the bedroom is when you love your stuff, when you want to share it with your partner. But that's really just a bonusit's much broader than that. Being comfortable naked is the ultimate expression of selfconfidence. If you're okay with being nude, you can take yourself anywhere in the world. O: In other words, you have the sense of feeling good naked even when you're not literally unclothed. You're comfortable in the raw, in the sense of your pure, raw self. Laure: Yes. It's about knowing and accepting yourself at your core. We don't get to choose Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt as our parents, so we have to come to terms with the shape we take and the skin we're in. And when we do, it's very powerful. O: But if you've spent years hating your body and despising yourself because of what you perceive as its inadequacies, is it really possible to suddenly decide, Hey, I love flabby old me? Laure: Change is always possible. And if you've suffered from body hatred your whole life, the decision simplyto change is the first step. The feel-good-naked attitude comes from a sense of the wholeness of life. It involves a holistic change in the way you relate to yourself and the world. O: Where do you start? Laure: Often, at the beginning. I don't mean that facetiously. I mean that it can be really helpful to reconnect to a time when you weren't always blaming yourselfwhen you believed in and loved yourself. And for many women, that time will turn out to be back in childhood.

O: You're speaking from experience? Laure: Yes. I was a chubby, freckle-faced little girl with frizzy auburn hairfar from the visual ideal of 1970s New Orleans, where I grew up and where thin, blonde cheerleaders ruled. But I had spiritI was a firecrackerand a photograph I keep on my desk reminds me of that. I'm sitting cross-legged in our front yard, in shorts and a cropped top that were surely not a chubby girl's best outfit. Yet I look self-possessed, even somewhat certain that on that particular day at least, I was beautifula femme fatale at the tender age of 6. The picture reminds me of the little girl who could, even when not much else around her supported such a healthy vision of herself. O: What about someone who had an abusive or otherwise truly horrible childhood? Laure: Even if your childhood was a total nightmare, the fact is you were a creature with enough gusto to get where you are today. Many women accept the opinions and judgments of others too quickly, which undermines selfesteem and personal power. But women who feel good naked have the ability to tap into their own source of self-love, without depending on the affirmations of others. A woman who feels good naked is a woman who's discovered her own definition of beauty. She knows that it's ultimately about personal attitude. O: No doubt a lot of women would agree with thatso long as you weren't talking about them. We can see beauty in others who aren't gorgeous in the conventional sense, but we're resolutely blind to it in ourselves. Laure: That's because of our punishing culture. Men are rewarded for their bottom line; women, for their visuals. Our society is driven by an unrealistic ideal of physical beauty: More than 60 percent of American women are a size 12 or larger, yet we're bombarded by images of size 0's, which can fuel a barrage of insecurity and self-doubt. Women from other countries have far healthier attitudes about the female form. I was in Puerto Rico recently with my husband, who rarely comments on other women's looks, and he was marveling at the number of beautiful Puerto Rican women on the beachwomen who by American standards would have been considered fat. I agreed with him. O: How do you get away from those standards? Laure: For one thing, turn off the TVespecially if you find yourself biting your nails or eating a pint of ice cream while watching. Why spend the evening with actresses who remind you of what you visually aren't? Better to take a yoga class, sit down with a good book, orand this is my personal favoritewatch a video of Tina Turner. O: Why Tina Turner? Laure: She was the source of my greatest body epiphany. I saw her perform in New York City in the late 1980s. She wore a black leather minidress and four-

inch platform shoes, and watching her dance, I was transfixed. And then she stopped her electric gyrations, and I realized how substantial her legs were. They are bold and glorious, and she's turned them into art. O: We can't all move like Tina, though Laure: No, but women who feel good naked approach life with that same spirit of boldness, that same use-it-or-lose-it zest. And by the way, that spirit is very sexy. I know a professor in his 50s who's been single much of his adult life and who's had relationshipsor at least relationswith many women, some in their early 20s. At a dinner party recently, he told me that sex with a woman over 40 is way more pleasurable and satisfying than sex with a younger woman because a woman with the joie de vivre that comes from having a bank of life experiences is a much bigger turn-on than a youthful body. O: That's good to know. Laure: I was delightedespecially because part of my message is that the feelgood-naked lifestyle involves living with a sense of adventure. Eleanor Roosevelt was onto something when she said, "Do one thing every day that scares you." It doesn't have to be anything earth-shattering. I can't tell you how many of my former beets- or Brussels sproutshating friends have become converts in their 40s. O: And what has that done for them beyond broadening their options in the produce section? Laure: Eating is the most primal thing we do, and the way we do it inevitably carries over into other parts of our lives. It's the great metaphor. If you're going to try Brussels sprouts, you might be more likely to climb a mountain the next time you're on vacation. It's about breaking out of the fear zone. You're training yourself to move away from the world of can't, don't, won't. O: So women who feel good naked are adventurous eaters? Laure: Adventurous, purposeful, and aware. I often hear women say they eat with blind abandon in an effort to avoid unpleasant feelings. Yet mindless eating will not eliminate these feelings. In fact, it compounds them, since in addition to carrying your mental pain, you won't be able to manage your weight effectively. Changing this destructive pattern means finding a balanced, sensible approach to eating that can become permanent because it's satisfying and sustainable. O: The holy grail. Laure: Yes. I'm still amazed by how many women let themselves be ruled by eating disordersnot anorexia or bulimia, but things like cutting out whole food groups or routinely skipping entire meals. Women try to avoid accountability with eating; they tend to believe in the magical thinking of random restriction. But this means their lives are directed by deprivation. No wonder we're

obsessive and compulsive about food. On the other hand, when you eat with purpose and awareness, it's such a relief. You're happier, calmer, not constantly bitchy or tense. Suddenly you can enjoy social outings more, you can be more conscious of your interactions with other people. O: When it comes to food, then, we need to back off the crazy rules we make for ourselves. Be a little kinder to ourselves. Laure: Absolutely. And kindness is a good word, because it brings up another characteristic of women who feel good naked: They're kind to other women. O: In what way? Laure: They can genuinely take pleasure in other women's success, happinessand beauty. Just the other night I was eating dinner with a group of women who were speaking about another woman in our community, an attractive woman, in such a mean-spirited way that I had to excuse myself from the table. The source of that mean-spiritedness was clearly the woman's physical appearance. O: Because when you're miserable with your own body, you've doomed yourself to "compare and despair." Laure: It's the distorted sense that looks are everything. And women who view each other this way do a disservice to us all. When my sister and her husband were in the process of separating, at least two acquaintances reacted by telling her, in disbelief, "But you're skinny!"as if her physique should have cushioned her from heartache. If you have friends who base everything on their own and other people's appearances, ask yourself what you're getting out of the relationship. If it's mostly stress, it's time to find different friends. O: Have you found that women are judged more harshly by each other than they are by men? Laure: Yes. And there's this, as well: I grew up in a houseful of women and now I'm growing older in a houseful of men, and I'm here to tell you that teenage boys might just be the vainest creatures on earth. They're every bit as freaked out by their pimples, bad hair, and extra weight as girls are. It doesn't stop when they leave adolescence, either. We all know what bald men go through, and new research from Harvard University's McLean Hospital reports that up to 25 percent of adults with eating disorders are male. So the next time you start worrying that the man in your life is going to judge you, remember that he has insecurities of his own. And he'd probably love to feel good naked, too.

The Fat Fight

By Robin Marantz Henig and Jess Zimmerman Oprah.com | From the December 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

What's the most treacherous ground for a mother and daughter to navigate? Robin Marantz Henig and daughter Jess Zimmerman weigh in.
The Mother's Story "I wanted to spare her pain." Watching my daughter belly dance last year brought tears to my eyes. Jess was 28 at the time, and she was splendid. She wore a costume of bright blue and a gold hip scarf with jiggling coins. Her midriffalso jigglingwas bare. She was graceful in her shimmies, graceful with her arms, graceful when she flicked her naked feet. I loved watching her. All the years of sitting through the plays of Jess's childhood came back to me, plays in which she spoke her lines in a sweet, clear voice but could never get over the awkwardness of being herself. I had thought that at the heart of Jess's discomfort, on stage and off, was the fact that she felt bad about being fat. Yet everything I did to spare her insecurity about her weight turned out to be a source of pain for herand a thorn at the heart of our relationship that we're still trying delicately to extract.

As a baby, Jessie was spectacular. Huge blue-gray eyes, a corona of golden curlsmy husband, Jeff, and I were delighted with the way she looked, the way she laughed, the way she smelled. To us, she was perfect. Which is why I was so surprised by an offhand comment made one evening at a local restaurant. The owner's wife was fussing over Jessie, who was about 9 months old. "Ooooh," the woman said happily, "I love fat babies." Fat babies? What baby was she talking about? My baby? I had a fat baby? I was 26 at the time, and I had body issues of my own. Growing up, I was always aware of being chunkier than other girls, and the misery that came with that awareness had never quite left me. I didn't want my little girl to grow up with that kind of unhappiness. Maybesmarter in 1980 than my mother had been in 1953there was something I could do to spare her that psychic pain. By the age of 4, Jessie weighed ten pounds more than the charts said she should. Not fat, just chubbyand I knew I shouldn't overreact. "I'm trying very hard to ignore it," I wrote in my journal, "so I don't make her self-conscious and create a problem where there is none." Of course, that's exactly what I did: create a problem where there was none. I was on the heavy end of my own lifelong weight-seesaw then; our second daughter, Samantha, had just been born, and my postpregnancy weight was stubbornly hanging on. When I dreamed one night that I was shopping at a plus-size store, I woke up in a panic. In the grip of this self-disgust, I turned to my beautiful Jessie and decided I had to fix her. Meals soon became a battleground. I packed abstemious school luncheshalf a sandwich, a fruit, no junkand used smaller plates at dinner to limit her portion size. I hid the cookies I bought for Sam, and wouldn't tell Jessie where they were. And when Jessie asked for seconds, I'd say, "Are you really hungry?" I thought that sounded supportive. I see now how harsh it was. If she asked for the food, she was hungry. I should at least have trusted her to know her own body's cues.

I should pause here to point out that despite my body-loathing, I'm not fat. My BMI is at the low end of the "healthy" range, I wear a size 8, and because I'm flat-chested I give off a pretty slim vibe. But when I look in the mirror, what I see is not a small waist but massive thighs. When I was 21, I wrote a list on yellow legal paper: "What I need to be happy." Years later I found it again, crinkled with age. At the top of the list, number oneahead of a rewarding career, a loving family, a house with lots of windowsis the single thing I thought would make the rest of my life fall into place: thin thighs. I wrote that list a long time ago. I am 56 years old, I still don't have thin thighs, and, dammit, I still want them. Things were tough for us when Jessie was in her early teenstougher than they were for the typical mother and teenage daughter. When I took her to a dermatologist to be treated for acne, she had a tantrum in the waiting room. I was mystified. I didn't see that this doctor visit was, to Jessie, yet another indication that my love was conditional. She thought I loved her only when she was clear-skinned and slim. When she was 16, Jessshe had by then put a stop to "Jessie"sat me down one night and told me she'd been bulimic for years. My first thought was she couldn't be, or she wouldn't be so fat. But I held my tongue and listened as she told me that it was my fault. She was bulimic, she said, because of my emphasis on being thin, my embarrassing comments about food in front of her friends, my obvious disappointment in her body. "I'm not disappointed in your body," I said. "I think you're beautiful." Jess looked

at me skeptically. "I do," I insisted. "Your eyes, your hair, your manner, everything about who you areit's all beautiful." But my perceptive daughter heard the roar of words unsaid. I never said "your body," because to say I found it beautiful would have been a lie. The summer after her freshman year in college, when she was 18, Jess suggested we try Weight Watchers together. I leaped at the chance, and we bonded over food restriction, each losing about 20 pounds. But by Thanksgiving Jess had regained every pound. I saw this as a setback. I failed to see what was really happening: that by eating normally instead of dieting, she was finally learning to love her body, however fat or lumpy. This emerging attitude was about to transform not only her relationship with herself but our fractious mother-daughter relationship, too. Shortly after her 27th birthday, Jess and Dan, her fianc, came for a visit. A few days earlier, she had sent me a link to a video called A Fat Rant, by Joy Nash, a proponent of the fat acceptance movement. As we sat around the coffee table with wine and hummus, I mentioned having watched the video, and before I knew it, we were discussing the prejudice fat people deal with every day and how a person's weight is nobody's business but her own. It felt surreal to be able to talk to Jess about weight this way, and to hear her and Dan call themselves fat without flinching. "Would you rather weigh less than you do?" I finally dared to ask. My husband stared at me wide-eyed, sure that this time I had really gone too far. Jess thought about it. Dan thought about it. And their answer was, essentially, no. A few months later, Jess and I went shopping at a plus-size store in Brooklyn so much hipper than the store of my nightmareto look for a wedding dress. After trying on a few, Jess decided she also needed a new bra and jeans. How many mothers and their daughters can go jeans shopping together without a dressing room meltdown? Amazingly, we could. After seeing the Fat Rant video, I'd steeped myself in fat acceptance blogs and had finally become able to accept that Jess was not only fat but beautiful. Her weight was no longer the first thing I saw, or fretted about, or even thought about, when I was with my brilliant, funny, sexy, sensitive daughter. We seemed to have crossed some significant barrier. But there's a catch: As much as I can embrace fat acceptance for Jess and Dan and their friends, I still can't embrace it for myself. The thought of letting go and just weighing whatever I'm destined to, no matter how muchwell, it's scary. I think this bothers Jess. I think it interferes with our ability to be completely candid when talking about weightbut I can't help it. I'm just not there yet. Oh, but Jessshe's there, emphatically so. That skilled, self-confident shimmy I watched at her belly dance recital did not come easily, but come it did, and it

was a lovely thing to behold. That's the image that comes to me when I think about Jess's weight: her body in motion that evening, with a grace and a beauty I had never seen before. It didn't bother me that the midriff she exposed was fat. It didn't bother me because it so clearly didn't bother her. Robin Marantz Henig is a freelance science writer based in New York.

The Daughter's Story "I was gross, lazy, and unfixable."

When I was 6 my mother, a journalist, wrote an article for Woman's Day called "Kids Get Fat Because They Eat Too Muchand Other Myths About Overweight Children." Under the main article was a sidebar about how she'd turned me from a slightly chubby 4-year-old into a slightly less chubby 6-yearoldby feeding me less. This was typical. When Mom wrote about children and health, I appeared in the role of Fat Kid Saved by Diet or Exercise. The reality might have been that I ate no more than other kids, that I read a lot but also played a lot outside, that I wasn't even particularly fat. But such complexities weren't part of my role in my mother's narrative. I was an object lessonproof that even fat kids could be salvaged. The diets never worked for long, so my permanent role in real life became Fat Kid Who's Also a Failure. The 6-year-old in that first article is shown dancing ballet, eating yogurt for lunch, gazing joyfully out onto a slimmer future. In fact she couldn't bear to look at herself in a leotard, and was terrified that her mother

would catch her using her milk money for chocolate milk instead of skim. It's not that I had the world's biggest complex, or the worst food issues, or the most poisonous self-image. And I'm not the most textbook illustration of how fixation on a daughter's body can destroy her self-esteem. But this isn't only about the harm my mother unwittingly did me; it's about the harm the weight loss fantasy does to everyone. Mom didn't allow me to eat fast food (which I've never missed) or dessert (which, lord, I did). When I was 9 I bargained with myself that if I went a month without sugar, I could have an ice cream sundae, something I'd never eaten before. But when I still stayed fat, all food became suspect. At a sleepover in fifth grade, I was served sweetened cereal and was simultaneously repulsed and fascinatedit tasted awful, but it looked like dessert for breakfast, and I didn't even get dessert for dessert. Food took on a mystical but terrifying appeal, desirable and dangerous, and safe only when nobody was lookingand I resorted to sneaking and hoarding it. On average, I didn't eat more or worse than other kids, but I didn't have to. If you think you don't deserve food, everything starts to look like a binge.

And there was no question in my mind that I didn't deserve food. I was oversize, clumsy, monstrouslike a different speciesthough pictures from my preteen years show that the biggest thing about me was actually my prescription glasses. My body was an albatross that marked me as slovenly, ugly, unworthy of love. I fantasized about sloughing it off, like the boy in the Narnia book who turns into a dragon and doesn't become human again until he painfully sheds

his skin. My mother never intended thisshe only wanted a happy ending for me. But the ending she envisioned was the same one that played out in every kid's book with a fat character I had ever read: the one where the troubled chubster solves her inner turmoil and ends up svelte. Mom never envisioned an ending where the fat kid discovers that there was nothing wrong with her in the first place. Why would she? Nobody ever wrote that story. It's difficult for a child to differentiate between someone who wants to armor her against an unjust world and someone who thinks that she's damaged. "What," I wondered, "is so deeply wrong with me that my mom, who only wants to love me, can't bring herself to love me how I am? And why can't I fix it?" I kept waiting for the day when I'd reach the happy, skinny ending and get to start on the sequel. I'd diet myself thin at last, and then I'd be vivacious and graceful and sought after, and I would be allowed to wear tank tops and eat, and my life could begin. As I ate less and got fatter, these scenarios became more drastic: They now involved wasting away from a serious illness, which I suspected was the only way I'd become as gaunt as I wanted to be. When I started getting brutal stomach pains in high school, my heart leaptmaybe this was it! It wasn't. The stomach pains happened because when the life-threatening disease failed to materialize, I had turned to another twisted weight loss strategy: disordered eating. Sometime around the age of 13 I started to read first-person stories about anorexia for ideas on how to control my food intake. I hid behind fussinesssuddenly I didn't like anything with more than three ingredients, or red meat, or fish, or cheese, or anything strongly spiced. (As late as college, a friend bet me that he could recite my entire grocery list. He named six items and got it basically right.) My teen magazines were full of tips on how to throw up without attracting notice. I didn't binge, but I would throw up because I'd had a full meal, or because I'd scarfed a contraband late-night bowl of ice cream, or just because it was the end of the day. The eating disorder stories tended to harp on the fact that girls who couldn't control their eating couldn't control anything in their lives, and as I got older I started to believe that everything about me was wrong. Though I often exuded a toughness that was mistaken for confidence, I doubted not only my attractiveness and right to exist in the world as a fat person but also my intelligence and talent and general worth. Once I started dating, I sought out boys and men who shared my low opinion of myself. One praised me for recognizing that my weight was "a problem"he didn't care so much whether I was fat, as long as I knew I wasn't okay. When I went away to college, I was still on a semipermanent diet punctuated by furtive eating, still pretending to be picky to hide my food restriction, and still looking for people to tell me how lousy I was. I caromed from asceticism to sugar overdose, and gained weight despite spending eight hours a week at

fencing practice. (Around this time, I also had my metabolic rate tested. Based on my height and weight, it was significantly slower than average. It's possible that this was always the case. On the other hand, I know from Mom's own articles that restrictive eating can do a number on a person's metabolism.) In my mind I was still the gross, lazy, unfixable kid. But in the tiny empowerment bubble of a women's college, there were a host of new narratives I hadn't considered. I discovered books, articles, and indie zines offering strange new ideas: that fat people could be happy and healthy and even loved, that we weren't necessarily damaged, that beauty ideals controlled women by making them waste their energy on hating themselves. That the desire to eat food was sometimes just the body's way of taking care of itself. The old narrativein which I would remain trapped in a loathsome body until I earned love and happiness through slimnessstarted to fade. Sophomore year, Mom wrote an article tut-tutting about how the people on campus who told me to "honor my hunger" were only ruining my diet. I ran a campuswide campaign for Love Your Body Day and asked Mom to quit writing about me. And eventually I started to write. Books, magazines, and literature on campus had planted the suspicion that there was a less painful way to live, and when I rediscovered these ideas in the blogosphere, I found myself repeating and reformulating them. In communicating with others, I started convincing myself. Along the way, I retooled my vocabulary. Fat, the word I'd scrawled accusingly in marker on my offending thighs in high school, was just a neutral way of describing a body; if there's nothing inherently shameful in fatness, there's no reason to hide behind euphemisms. And the word health, so often used as a club to beat fat people with, needed redefining, too. There's nothing healthy about fearing food and using exercise as a whip. A better goal is to exercise for fun and truly eat wellnot less, not using different rules, but in a way that's more nourishing and more conscious. By my mid-20s, I was not only eating more normallyI had added new kinds of exercise to my routine for the sheer fun of it: belly dance, yoga, hula hooping. My weight stayed the same, but I started to really live in the body I was now feeding and taking out to play. I realized I wasn't trapped in the old cycle of failure, denial, and shame. These days I can write about my bodyand even, cautiously, let my mother write about itbecause I've jettisoned the old narratives and started to scratch out a new one. It's a complicated story, with an unpredictable plotgood days, bad days, a pervasive sense of shame that's hard to shake. But I'm finding that the main character is much more healthy, stable, and worthwhile than I'd ever known.

The Cure for SelfConsciousness

By Martha Beck Oprah.com | From the July 2007 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

It's one wordone little wordbut it has revelatory power.

You step into the party feeling reasonably confident. True, your favorite little black dress feels somewhat tight, but it's still elegant, and the wind outside only tousled your hair a little. Then, just as you're preparing to mingle, it happens: You pass a mirror and glimpse your reflectionyour horrifying, horrifying reflection. The dress isn't just tight; it fits like Luciano Pavarotti's diving suit. Your hair looks as though a crazed weasel nested, bore young, and died there. Aghast, you wobble off your high heels and sprain an ankle. All eyes are glued on you. All conversation focuses on your disgrace. Everyone begins texting hilarious descriptions of you from their cell phones. In your dreams, baby. I mean this both literally and figuratively. Most of us occasionally dream about being embarrassed in social settings. But even in waking life, many of us operate as if Simon Cowell is doing a play-by-play of our work, wardrobe and snack choices. One team of researchers has dubbed this phenomenon the

"spotlight effect." In the beam of imaginary spotlights, many of us suffer untold shame and create smaller, weaker, less zestful lives than we deserve. Terrified that the neighbors might gossip, the critics might sneer, the love letter might fall into the hands of evil bloggers, we never even allow our minds to explore what our hearts may be calling us to do. These efforts to avoid embarrassment often keep us from imagining, let alone fulfilling, the measure of our destiny. To claim it, we need to develop a mental dimmer switch.

Turning the Lights Down Low

Thomas Gilovich, PhD, Victoria Husted Medvec, PhD, and Kenneth Savitsky, PhD, the psychologists who coined the term spotlight effect, also devised numerous ways to measure it. In one experiment, they had college students enter a room with other students while wearing an "embarrassing" T-shirt. (The shirt bore the likeness of a certain singer, whom I won't identify here. I will say that for days after reading this study, I was medically unable to stop humming "Copacabana.") When the mortified students were asked to guess how many people in the room would remember the face on their T-shirt, they gave a number about twice as high as the number of students who actually remembered the shirt. Other studies support what this one suggested: The spotlight effect makes most of us assume we're getting about twice as much attention as we actually are. When Lincoln said, "The world will little note nor long remember what we say here," he was wrongbut only because he was president of the United States. If you are currently president, rest assured that millions will note and long remember if, say, you barf on the prime minister of Japan. However, if you are not president, you're probably pointlessly blinded by the glare of imaginary social judgments. These judgments aren't limited just to times when we mess up. Our distorted perceptions mean we not only exaggerate the impact of our errors but also undersell our inspirations and contributions. For example:

You modestly mumble an idea in a meeting, assuming that co-workers will be awestruck if they like it, appalled if they don't. Net effect: Nobody really hears the ideauntil the annoying extrovert across the table repeats it more loudly, and gets all the glory.

You wear clothes a bit duller and more concealing than the ones you love, only to look back years later and wish you'd bared and dared more in your youth. (As one of my friends sighed about her self-conscious daughter, "If she only realized that at her age, you're beautiful even if you're not beautiful.")

You sing, swing, and mamba only in the privacy of your home, never with other people. Repressing the urge to sing "Copacabana," you miss the joy of sharing silly or sultry abandon with the people you loveand the people you may never get to love because inhibition robs you of the confidence needed to form a bond. These self-limiting behaviors have no positive side; contrary to what many assume, they rarely save us from doing things we'll later regret. In fact, Gilovich and Medvec have found in other studies that, in the long run, people most often regret the things they failed to try, rather than the things they bombed at. Trying yields either success or an opportunity to learn; not trying has no positive result besides avoiding mockery or envy that (research shows) wouldn't be nearly as big or bad as we fear.

How to Free Yourself from the Glare

1. Double everything. Just knowing that the spotlight effect is real and ubiquitous can begin to liberate us from its inhibiting clutches. I find it very comforting to have an actual number associated with my shame-based illusions: Spotlight effect studies suggest that people typically pay about 50 percent as much attention to me as I think they are. The first time I actually stood under a spotlight, in a high school play, the director told me, "Small gestures look embarrassed, so they're embarrassing. If you're going to do something, and you don't want to look foolish, do it BIG." Now, thanks to Gilovich, Medvec and Savitsky, I know how big to make my actionsabout twice as big as I think they should be. I've been experimenting with this in many different circumstances: raising both my hands, instead of one, to ask a question of a lecturer I much admire; pausing twice as long for dramatic effect while telling a story to some friends; eating two servings of a fabulous dessert at a literary club luncheon. The result? I do seem to have attracted more attention, but rather than the disapproving judgment I expected, most people seem to feel pleased and liberated, made safer in their own skin by my willingness to live large in mine. I believe this reaction is a major reason a lovely lady from Hawaii named Brook Lee once won the Miss Universe pageant. When asked what she'd do if she had no rules to follow, she replied, "I would eat everything in the whole world twice!" That one word"twice!"struck a chord with me, the audience and the judges, landing Ms. Lee squarely beneath the spotlight she actually wanted.

Why not join her by doubling the social behaviors you usually limit: the energy with which you communicate, the intensity of the colors you wear, the number of times you laugh, the clarity of the opinions you voice. You may think this will attract massive disapproval from others. Actually, you'll be lucky to attract more than a passing glance, and my experience (not to mention Ms. Lee's) suggests it will be more approving than not. 2. Think through your limitsnot to them. "You can't break that board by hitting it," my karate teacher told me. "Hit something 10 inches behind it. As far as you're concerned, the board doesn't even exist." "But," I pointed out, "it does exist." (I am a trained observer.) My sensei shrugged. "That's what you think." Mentally noting that this man had been hit in the head many, many times, I proceeded to batter my hands to smithereens, trying to break that unbreakable board. When every knuckle was swollen, tender and bleeding, I said, "My hands hurt." "Yes," said my sensei. "Your mind is really damaging them." You get the metaphor: We smash into barriers of shame, embarrassment, and regret because we pull our punches in myriad social situations. Stopping at what we think is the limit of embarrassing behavior, we let others claim the credit, the opportunity, the job, the person we love from afar. The next time you feel performance anxiety in any form, remember that the negative attention you fear does not exist except in your mindif this works with the hard, cold reality of my ice block, I guarantee it will work with something as vaporous as other people's opinions. Act as if there is no spotlight on you, even if there is one. Say, do, and be what you would if no one else were looking. It will be scary at first, but if you persist, there will come that liberating moment when you'll feel yourself sailing straight through your life's most inhibiting barriers without even feeling a bump. 3. Ask yourself the Universal Question. Once, I had an intense, emotional cell phone discussion with a friend while riding in a taxi. At a certain point I fell into a strangled silence. "What's wrong with you?" my friend asked. "Why aren't you talking?" Covering my mouth with one hand, I whispered, "The driver can hear me." At this point, my friend said something so lucid, so mind expanding, so simultaneously Socratic and Zenlike, that I memorized it on the spot. I've gained

comfort by repeating it to myself in many other situations. I encourage you, too, to memorize this question and use it when you find yourself shrinking back from an imaginary spotlight. My friend saidand I quote: "So?" This brilliant interrogatory challenged me to consider the long-term consequences of being embarrassed (really, who cares?). It reminded me that failing to act almost always leaves me with more regret than taking embarrassing action. Here are a few instances where the Universal Question might help a person break through imprisoning inhibitions: "If I say what I really think, people might disagree with me." So? "If I leave my drunken abusive husband, his crazy family will call me a bitch." So? "If I go windsurfing, I'll look like a klutz. Plus, people will see my cellulite." So? There are endless applications for the Universal Question. I suggest using it every time you feel yourself hesitating to do something that might deepen or broaden your life. The answer to the question "So?" is almost always "Well, when you put it that way" It pushes us into the spotlight, showing us we can survive there and freeing us to act on our best instincts. Today, remember that what you perceive as prudent social caution is probably limiting your life to about half its natural capacity; that if you did everything you long to do twice as often, twice as boldly, twice as openly, you wouldn't attract a shred more social pressure than you already think you're getting. Consider that vaulting well past the limits of your inhibitions will probably earn you more positive attention than negative judgment. More often than not, this will work out well. If it doesn't, remember the most enlightening of questions: "So?" Little by little, you'll feel and see that the worst consequences of living in the light are less oppressive than the best advantages of hiding in the shadows. And you'll have little to fear from the rest of us, who will only be inspired by your daring as we sit, blinking and bedazzled, in the private spotlights of our own attention.

Baby Steps, Ol
By Valerie Monroe Oprah.com | From the July 2007 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

How our dance-phobic beauty director went from I'll-lookridiculous to "Ay, chica!" Rule # 1: Don't "think." Valerie Monroe sheds her last inhibition.
Just over a year ago, I wrote a story here examining how it felt to go out in public wearing the kind of extremely revealing clothing that was being touted as the height of fashion (and why a woman might choose to expose herself in it). For a week, I wore a lot of almost nothing: a scrap of black fabric only very generously called a dress, another dress, transparent, revealing my underwear as if behind a pale violet scrim, a pair of bloomersyes, bloomersso abbreviated they were interrupted almost before they bloomed. After the story came out, a number of people congratulated me on my courage. The thing is, I didn't feel courageous at all. I could walk down the street in a bra and panties and feel pretty comfortable (if I didn't think I'd be arrested). Nude beaches? Hand me the sunscreen and point the way. I'm just not very inhibited about my body. But I have a secret: I won't dance. Don't ask me. That wouldn't be a problem, necessarily, except that I want to dance. Especially

at parties and weddings and bar mitzvahs and anywhere else I hear music that beats out a deep, pulsing rhythm that gets into the blood. I'm just too inhibited to take the floor; I'm afraid the moment I get out there, I won't know what to do. I'm evenand I hate, especially, to admit thisafraid to try. That's why I decided to take a hip-hop class. And who wanted to join me but Gayle King, O editor at large, who claimed that she'd been using the same dance moves since seventh grade and desperately needed an upgrade. We decided on one of the Ailey Extension dance and fitness classes at Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater in Manhattan. It's called Hip-Hop for the Absolute Beginner. If there were a class called Not Even Anywhere NearApproaching Absolute Beginner, we'd have preferred that. But this is the best we can do. We're late to the first class, on a Monday evening after work. More than 20 people of all shapes and sizes are doing stretching exercises in a large room with a wall of mirrors and a cement floor. The class is led by Tweetie, a small, muscular, wildly energetic, fast-talking young woman. Gayle and I rush to a corner in the back of the class, where Gayle drops her stuff (she came in sweats) and I change from my heels into sneakers. As I'm tying my shoe, I get a terrific cramp in my side. (Not a good sign.) Neither Gayle nor I can do most of the stretches, and I notice that when we're asked to lie down on the floor, we both hold our heads up uncomfortably because we don't want to mess up our hair. (Another bad sign.) Tweetie starts the class by showing us in slow motion a simple kind of shuffle-off-to-Buffalo routine, and I'm thinking that if I have enough practice, I'll be able to get it. Things are looking up. Funky step, step, step, forward, slide, hop, slide, hop. "I don't know," says Gayle as she shuffles and hops along beside me, "this seems very vaudeville." She does indeed look as if she could use a top hat and a cane. But we keep at it, as Tweetie, talking at warp speed and with a kind of hip-hop inflection I have to squint to understand, tells us we need some attitude, which she then demonstrates with a move, and another, and another, till it's obvious the hiphop train has left the station while I'm still standing on the platform awkwardly juggling my bags. There's a person in the classgender unclear to mewho is doing a butt jiggling move in such a way that everything seems to be going in a different direction at once. It's completely fascinating; I can't take my eyes off it. Which might be why I keep losing my balance and can't keep up. (Imagine the Queen Mother at her 100th birthday party. Now imagine her trying to do the chicken noodle. That's me.) Gayle, ever curious and friendly, asks Butt Jiggler for advice about how to do the moves. BJ doesn't waste a second: "Get grimy," he/she says. At that moment, I know I'm never going to succeed at hip-hop. Though I think I know what grimy isit's the hip-hop equivalent of dirty dancingI have no idea how to get there. It's a state of being, a state of being for which I have enormous respect and admiration, but not one I will ever enter. I don't have the constitution for it. What I need is a dance that can be done with or without griminess. Like salsa. Despite having failed utterly at hip-hop, I have learned a helpful lesson. A private class is more my style; for someone as hopelessly self-conscious as I,

learning to dance in a room full of strangers is just too hard. (Every single time Tweetie had said, "Whatever you do, don't do this," and then demonstrated with great flair a move exactly, and I mean exactly, the way I had done it, all the lucky grimy people in the class burst out laughing and nodded at one another. Really, I just couldn't handle the humiliation.) So I sign up for a lesson at Dance New York with Jose, a competitive Latin dancer recommended by a friend. She said he'd be great, and he is. He's tightly wound, graceful, a sleek young Latin cat, and remarkably patient. He introduces me to the basic steps, going over and over them till I can master them. Even with the endless repetitions, I make lots of mistakes. But I hardly mind at all. Because whenever I mess up, Jose, with the kind of loving, indulgent laugh a parent has for his child when she does something adorably wrong, tells me it's okay. He calls me lover and mamasita and baby, and, if I make a really egregious move, baby lover. So I'm pretty fine with egregious. "Bup, bup, bup,mamasita, do it this way!" he says as he shows me a new step. With his hand lightly touching my back, he guides me, not quite pushing me along but suggesting. He shows me how to do a turn, and when I finally get it right, he murmurs, "Gorgeous, lover." He gives no indication of how bored he is till the end of the first lesson, when he starts a crazy, loose, kicking and scooping thing all around me, like he's street fighting with a little person, and I abruptly stop my back-and-forth to ask him what he's doing. "Don't mind me, lover," he says, fondly, "I'm trying not to get bored. Keep dancing." And I do. As I'm slipping on my jacket after the lesson, I ask Jose brightly, "Should I practice at home?" A cloud passes over his face. "No," he says, "I don't think so." Why not? He stares off into the distance behind me, as if he were visualizing something. Something unpleasant. Finally he says, "You might do something wrong, again and again, and then I'll have to teach it out of you." But later that evening, I can't resist trying out the steps. And someone at the office has given me a salsa exercise DVD, which promises not only a tighter "core," which I could probably use, but a few good moves. One Saturday morning before I start cleaning my apartment, I remember the DVD and put down the vacuum. A minute later, I'm standing in front of my computer, trying to follow the hip swiveling and grinding. I add a couple of Jose's moves. This scene, ridiculous as it isand, catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I see that it is very ridiculousis also a breakthrough. I've never been able to dance, even alone, in the privacy of my home. At my second class, we take up our positionsJose, with his right arm around my back and his left hand holding my rightand, surprising myself, I immediately assume the correct stance. "Okay, baby, let's go!" says Jose, and we're off. We practice the old steps and then we start on some turns. There is a waltz playing in the background: Other couples are swirling gracefully around the dance floor to the three-quarter beat. Trying to keep to a salsa rhythm isn't easy. I'm about to give up, when the music changes. Now it's a tango. I notice a couple to my right: I can't tear my eyes away, they're so magnetic. "Don't look at them," says Jose, compassionately, but with some urgency. "You'll lose your focus and your place." It makes me feel as if he understands my shyness; I realize that I trust him, even after only two lessons. Why? For one thing, he

hasn't once asked me to do something I couldn't do. Though he's obviously a very skilled and talented dancer, he seems to want to share his skill with me, rather than use it to show me how good he is. When I get home, I'm so jazzed that I search for some salsa sites on the Net, and watch a few competitions on YouTube. Then I find myself trying to imitate the salsa stance, keeping the upper body still while moving the hips and legs and feet. I even look in the mirror while I do it. (This would have been excruciating a month ago. Today it makes me laugh, and reflecting on my progress gives me a small sense of accomplishment. Very small, but still.) I start thinking about parallels to my work: How did I learn to write? By reading other writers, trying to figure out how they did it, and by writing myself. The more I wrote, the more comfortable at it I became. Dancing isn't very different. The more I do it, the more comfortable it feels. It requires trust (in my teacher) and focus. I notice that whenever I lose focus on what Jose and I are doing, by looking at other (far more experienced and graceful) dancers in the room, not only do I forget my place but my self-esteem slips and falters. Then my inhibition, returning in full force, gives it a nasty shove, and I might as well just take a chair. Jose keeps telling me to stop thinking, to simply follow his lead, and when I do, finally, it's smooth sailing: He navigates me breezily through turns we haven't even practiced yet. There is magic to the letting go. Every time I become less a spectator and more engaged, my dancing improves. My engagement with Jose helps, too. You might have thought I knew this before I tried it, but I discovered that hip-hop is more about performance, while salsa though it can also be about performancethrives on the connection between the partners. I guess I'm more comfortable sharing responsibility on the dance floor; I know I'm comfortable when I'm relating to a guy (even, I find, a sleek Latin cat a couple of decades younger than I). A woman dancing salsa, Jose tells me, can be kind of low-key if she chooses, letting her partner show off all around her. I'm happy to let Jose do that (as I'm still more Queen Mother than Rita Moreno), but step-by-step, I hope I can learn to do some showing off myself.

11 Reasons to Worship Your Body (and His)

Oprah.com | From the August 2002 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Gloria Naylor, Lisa Kogan, Nikki Giovanni, and eight more of our favorite writers dish on their favorite body parts.
1. The Brain My favorite body part is the brain, that shiny mound of being, that mouse gray parliament of cells, that dream factory, that petit tyrant inside a ball of bone, that huddle of neurons calling all the plays, that little everywhere, that fickle pleasure dome, that wrinkled wardrobe of selves stuffed into the skull like too many clothes into a gym bag. The neocortex has ridges, valleys, and folds because

the brain kept remodeling itself though space was tight. We take for granted the ridiculous-sounding-yet-undeniable fact that each person carries around atop her body a complete universe in which billions of sensations, thoughts, and desires stream. They mix privately, silently, while agitating on many levels, some of which we're not aware of, thank heavens. If we needed to remember how to work the bellows of the lungs or the writhing python of digestion, we'd be swamped by formed and forming memories, and there'd be no time left for buying cute socks. My brain likes cute socks. But it also likes kisses. And asparagus. And watching boat-tailed grackles. And biking. And drinking Japanese green tea in a rose garden. There's the nub of itthe brain is personality's whereabouts. It's also a stern warden and, at times, a selftormentor. It's where catchy tunes snag and cravings keep tugging. A hand-medown miracle is that we are living things made of nonliving parts. Our brain is a crowded chemistry lab, bustling with nonstop neural conversations. It's also an impersonal landscape where minute bolts of lightning prowl and strike. A hall of mirrors, it can contemplate existentialism, the delicate hooves of a goat, and its own birth and death in a matter of seconds. It's blunt as a skunk and a real gossip hound, but also voluptuous, clever, playful, and forgiving. For all those reasons, and because it's shaped a little like a loaf of French country bread, it's my favorite companion. Diane Ackerman 2. The Tongue Gray's Anatomy calls the tongue "an organ of special sense." I'll say. You can taste with it, kiss with it, talk with it, flick a vexing shred of corn caught between your teeth, yodel, lick and suck, insult just by sticking it out, and if you're genetically positive, roll it up on the sides and fill it like a bathtub with spit, a favorite childhood pastime. The only bad moment my tongue ever gave me was when I was tweezing my eyebrows with a 6X mirror, megamagnification that makes a pore look like Mount Vesuvius. For reasons I don't know, I stuck my tongue out and suffered a seismic shock. Lord, it was ugly. Uglier than feet. It had cracks and bumps and wavy eminences called papillae. The ventral side exposed bulging blue veins and slick flaps. It looked rough. Toward the back it turned scuzzy. I thought about my friend Marjie, who recently tried to talk me into buying a tongue scraper. "No way," I said. "But you should see what comes off," she said. "I don't want that in my house," I told her. "Whatever's on my tongue's supposed to be there." I couldn't sing, swallow, or whistle without my tongue. But I think it's changing. I can no longer scarf a one-pound bag of candy corn. (A one-pound bag of M&M's is still no trouble.) And suddenly I find myself loving the taste of beets, spinach, and figs. Is my tongue growing up with me? Not too much, please. On a recent trip to Morocco, I learned something new to do with it. Tzeghret is the famous wild call from The Battle of Algiers.Ready? Make a highpitched wooooooooo sound. Now stick your tongue out and whip it side to side

superfast. Bravo. Patricia Volk 3. Hands We have infinite possibilities for using our hands. Thanks to our sense of touch, we are able to experience the world around us and learn that it is full of other softnesses, other tautnesses, other dampnesses, other depths. Among myriad opportunities, our hands are capable of giving and receiving cosmic energy. Giving and receiving love. Creating or destroying peace and well-being. There are hands that love and hands that fight. Hands that pray and hands that sin. Hands that heal and hands that torture. Hands that bless and hands that corrupt. Hands that caress and hands that murder. Hands that free and hands that imprison. What makes these hands different is the intention behind each act carried out by them. The same hands we use to create works of art, build cathedrals, or clothe our children can be used to throw bombs, aim machine guns, and destroy entire civilizations. What is it that makes us choose one option or the other? It is our level of consciousness and free will. What I decide to do with my hands determines my future, that of my family and my country, and that of the planet and the universe. There are people who like to tie the hands of others. To tell them what they should do, how they should behave, how they should hold their fork, how they should bring food to their mouth, or how they should make policybut it is up to us to decide whether or not to give them this power. Our hands are the center of productivity, and also of free will. Hands can build a better world or they can destroy the one that already exists: The choice is up to each of us. The love and the world are in our hands. Laura Esquivel (Translated by Stephen Lytle) 4. Feet It is appropriate that I sing The song of the feet The weight of the body And what the body chooses to bear Fall on me I trampled the American wilderness Forged frontier trail Out ran the mob in Tulsa Got caught in Philadelphia And am still unreparated I soldiered on in Korea Jungled through Vietnam sweated out Desert Storm Caved my way through Afghanistan Tunneled in the World Trade Center And on the worst day of my life Walked behind JFK Shouldered MLK Stood embracing Sister Betty

I wiggle my toes In the sands of time Trusting the touch that controls my motion Basking in the warmth of the embrace Day's end offers with warm salty water It is appropriate I sing The praise of the feet I am a Black woman Nikki Giovanni 5. The Belly A famous Richard Avedon poster from the early eighties still has the power to shock. It's undeniably cheesy but erotic nonetheless, a long horizontal of the actress Nastassja Kinski stretched out on her side and wearing nothing but a really big snake. The semiotics here aren't exactly subtle, but what transfixes the eye is: Kinski's forward-tilting belly, set off by the python coiling tumescently around her crotch and the curve of her back. Just about every man I know has seen that poster, and they all mention the same thingthat impudent little tummywith wistful delight. Chaucer would empathize. In the Middle Ages, no poet could celebrate a woman's beauty without a rapturous reference to "her small round belly." It's there in paintings of the time, pooching out suggestively on ladies high and low, including the Virgin herself. Medieval gowns made the most of it with softly fitted bodices that stroked the body like a lover's hands and ended in a decorative, Yshaped sash slung low around the hips and pointing discreetly downward to the source of life itself. Five hundred years later, I look at pictures of models in the latest low-slung, hiphugging styles, and what catches my eye is the forlorn concavity where a belly used to be, sunk between hip bones sharp enough to wound. This is that holy of holies, a flat stomach. Thanks to the culture's runaway obsession with female thinness, women have simultaneously been thrown a curve and lost one. We wuz robbed: Healthy bellies are beautiful. (Ever see a skinny belly dancer? Who'd want to?) But there's nothing delicate about them. They swell and cramp and make weird noises. They're real and visceral and impossible to control, like life, which they teem with, especially for women. Touch a pregnant woman's belly and feel the powerit's as taut and unyielding as a medicine ball, protective housing for the occupied womb within. Lately, I've become an unwilling player in the game of cholesterol roulette, and so, like most American women, I obsess about my weight. I want to lose some, my doctor wants me to lose some. But I'll never want to lose what a friend once called my magic belly: emblem of fecundity and needful desire. Karen Durbin 6. Blood True, there's a banality to blood. We've all got itabout ten pints each. And we all have basically the same stuff. It's a clichgo poke Britney Spears, Saul Bellow, the Rock, Ja Rule, Yasir Arafat, whomever, and essentially the same

suspension of red cells, white cells, and platelets will ooze out. You'd think its ubiquity and undifferentiation would make us indifferent. But the shock of blood! Even the finger-stick rivets us. That sudden hemispheric droplustrous and opaquely scarlet. That color! A royal dye brewed within our bodies, derived from the metabolism of life itself. (Centrifuging produces a pousse-caf, three distinct layersa clear golden plasma on top, a solid band of white blood cells in the middle, and a thick band of crimson red blood cells on the bottom.) Those of us who have actually seen injured people covered in their own blood will never forget the visceral sensation of it. There's the sense that an inviolable vessel has been riven and the very spirit of that personhis or her life and lifetimeis seeping away. Is there another aspect of our bodies with this dual naturethat signifies vitality and morbidity at once? We probably see blood, whether on a strand of dental floss or a kid's scraped knee, every single day of our lives. Yet Poe can write with indelibly chilling effect: "The 'Red Death' had long devastated the country. No pestilence had ever been so fatal, or so hideous. Blood was its Avatar and its sealthe redness and the horror of blood." I accompanied a friend of mine, an ER physician at Bellevue, on his eight-hour shift one night. I was doing research for a television show I was writing at the time. A Chinese man was brought in with a meat cleaver in his head (apparently the end result of a rather heated Chinatown restaurant kitchen dispute between cooks). It was a broad wood-handled instrument embedded in the middle of his forehead in classic splatter-flick style, with perfect bilateral symmetry. He sat upright on a gurney with imperturbable equanimity, never uttering a word or a sound, as rivulets of blood coursed down his face, his white cook's uniform now suffused with crimson. The men all stood there for momenthardened ER veterans among us dumbfounded. Women immediately went about their work. Blood is more of a revelation to men, I think. Certainly when men are confronted with their own blood, their reaction is often extremely dramatic. Think of boxers realizing they've been cut in the ring, sometimes actually tasting the blood and becoming infuriated and galvanized with aggression. Talk to any man who has ever seen blood in his urine, and he'll tell you how he immediately broke out in a cold sweat, terrified by the unexpected sight of red and what it might augur. Women bleed every month. And I have long thought the menstrual cycle enables women to accommodate flux and impermanence infinitely better than men. And perhaps this routine bleeding makes women somehow more psychologically permeable, more accustomed to exchanges between their inner and outer worlds. As for me, I will remain unaccustomed to blood and endlessly fascinated, fetishizing vampires, bats, mosquitoes, rare meat, the strange history of

hemophilia, the blood-quaffing Masai and Turkana tribesmen of Kenya, the gruesome effects of hemorrhagic viruses like Ebola and Marburg, and that colorthat stunning colorat once the most mundane, numinous, sacramental tincture in the world. Mark Leyner 7. Skin When I was just a kid, I developed a fascination with skin diseases. At night, while teenage boys all over town perused skin magazines, I stared wide-eyed at the glossy color photographs of "skin conditions" in my family's huge medical guide. Eczema. Impetigo. Leprosy. Shingles. Rosacea. The names sounded to me like superheroes, but the photographs themselves revealed something sadly human: the flesh erupting in sudden ugly ways. I was horrified by what I saw, but strangely unable to tear my eyes away. Over the years, I learned to associate skin with all that was negative. Skinflint. Skin-deep. Thin-skinned. Skin seemed the source of all that was stingy, shallow, and most of all prejudicial: I witnessed how one shade of skin could inspire fear, loathing, suspicion; the other envy, trust, adoration, depending on the neighborhood. Skin, according to my hippie teachers, was something best ignored. Look beyond it, beneath it, around it, they preached, to the content of your character. But skin itself was always innocent. I didn't learn this until my freshman year in college, when I was studying to be a doctor. With science on my side, I saw skin finally for what it was: a magically recuperative, elastic, porous, and selfcleaning home for us to live inside. It was the barrier that kept all of our other organs safe and in place, protected from the elements of rain and wind and sleet and snow. It was also a source of much pleasure, the vast and multifarious terrain we stroked and kissed and tasted, even bit, to express love and desire. I failed out of biology and switched my major to English, and I don't look at photographs of acne and cold sores anymore. Instead I like to study the simple beauty of our biggest and most visible organ for all that it can reveal. A pregnant woman glows with the life growing inside of her. A baby's skin is like the skin of an angel. The lines on an older woman's face give comforting evidence of a life fully lived. And a man who has grooves and weight to the skin of his face is someone who has thought and felt deeply. I am awed by skin's endless gorgeous varietiesfrom rosebud pink to coffee black, reddish brown to high yellow. Sure, it's the first place on myself I look for potential problems. A rash here. A bump there. And I know I will continue to fight its susceptibility to harsh weather and hard times. There may come a day when I resort to heavy coats of foundation and layers of powder and ingenious medical procedures that will freeze my face in an expressionless mask of youth. But I hope not. I hope I can stay true to the revealing nature of my skin, from my face to my toes, a visible sign of where I have been in this worldlike faith itself, the evidence of things unseen.

Danzy Senna 8. Breasts As feats of design, breasts are elegant: firm enough to nuzzle, not so firm as to stab out tiny eyes. Form follows function when it comes to nursing infants. Then there's the clever elixir that breasts produce: It not only nourishes but confers immunities. This maternal act, however, is not all that breasts are called upon to do. Throughout history they have been symbolized, eroticized, commodified, and stigmatized. They have launched a thousand shipsnot to mention ad campaigns. So burdened are they with cultural projections that it's not surprising they occasionally need a little underwire for support. Breasts are not standard issue. They come in all sizes, shapes, and colors. Round, oval, droopy, reticent, assertive, they are a source of awe and wonder. Breasts are also team players. They come in rights and lefts, like shoes. And they don't arrive until they're neededat puberty, as part of the package that for better or worse seals the end of childhood for girls. How well I know. Glancing at my sophomore yearbook, I can still feel the anguish. I was on a swim team in Southern California. We wore green-andgoldstriped Speedos, which on my teammates plunged in graceful curves from shoulder to hip. My swimsuit, however, had no contours to hug. Its stripes were ramrod straight, mocking my flatness. The following year, my fortune changed along with, appropriately, my breasts. Which is to say: I had them. My lazy hormones had kicked in. It didn't matter that I was the slowest member of the team, an inept plodder in the water. I stood proud and tall. Meager yet defiant, these two new badges gave me confidence. I was indeed a woman. And I had the evidence to prove it. M.G. Lord 9. Eyes The eyesthose twin translucent mirrors that reflect the universe upside down in our brainsrefract the kaleidoscope of light in our mind's black night as sight. These orbs, like constellations speckled brown or blue or hazel, have blackhole, iris-centered pupils that contract and expand, absorbing galaxies of light, transforming the invisible into our reality. Eyes have no voice but can speak of love or grief when our hearts are dumb. The eyes can cry goodbye and ask why. Some say sight is the great glory of our senses' wondrous mysteries, and I agree. The tragic man is not he who cannot see. The tragic man is he who can but does not. Look! How amazing it is that you are reading this. Do you see it? Duane Michals 10. The Heart The record industry and the greeting card business would go bankrupt without the hundreds of metaphorical uses for the heart. Tony Bennett sang that he left his heart in San Francisco, but I notice that he somehow managed to do very well without it; and so did hard-hearted Hannah, the vamp of Savannah, who was evil enough to pour water on a drowning man. Someone must have surely

told her at one time or another, "Come on, Hannah, have a heart." But perhaps Hannah was recovering from having her own heart "broken." That's what can happen if you "wear your heart on your sleeve" and then "give away your heart" to some worthless suitor. It's amazing how many references there are to the heart in literature and in popular culture. This can probably be tied to the actual function of the heart in our bodies. It's more than just a pump that circulates blood through our bodies by contraction and dilationit's the center of our being. The heart is one of the first organs to develop in a fetus, and it's the one organ whose expiration spells immediate death. In between the beginning of life and its end, the heart is inextricably tied to our emotions: It beats faster when we're excited or in danger, and when we see the object of our desire. The heart is also tied to our character: There are stories that people who undergo heart transplants experience personality changes and mood swings. Is there a closer relationship between the heart and the brain than we think? The verdict is still out on that one. But what we do know is that it's the rhythm of the heart that calms a fretting baby when held against its mother's chest; it's even the rhythm that calms us while we lie in bed, trying to unwind from a hectic day and fall asleep. It is, in short, the rhythm of life. Gloria Naylor 11. The Penis Michaelangelo sculpted it. Freud analyzed it. Steinem politicized it. Mapplethorpe shot it. Bobbit detached it. Wahlberg displayed it. Stiller zipped it. Viagra energized it. Sex and the City demystified it. Behold the penis, a delightfully spontaneous, exquisitely sensitive, intermittently rigid (though not altogether inflexible) little critter both reviled and revered since time began. They say size doesn't matter, but when it's too small it has a nasty tendency to cause grown men to buy ridiculously expensive sports cars, pay close attention to the World Wrestling Federation, and start wars. And when it's too large... well, in the grand scheme of things, there are worse problems facing humanity. Do I envy the penis? Nah. While it's true that having one enables a person to earn more money and avoid long lines at the ladies' room, let's not forget that it can also get you impeached. I do, however, admire it. A marvel of technical engineering, the penis is not only an intricate network of neurotransmitters, blood vessels, and muscle tissue, it also looks fabulous in a pair of jeans. And though these days it's frequently a step or two removed from the whole babyproduction process, it's certainly handy to have around the house.

3 Types of Exercise You Need to Stay Fit

Oprah.com | December 22, 2010

To achieve true fitness, you need a strategy that includes cardio (aerobic) exercise, strength training, and "functional fitness" exercises. Here's how much of each type to aim for, depending on your goal.
1. Cardio In order to lose weight and keep it off, I recommend exercising aerobically for six hours a week at a moderately high intensity, which I define as vigorous activity with very deep breathing. This may sound like a lot, but you can break up those six hours however you like. Cycling or walking for an hour six days a week would do it, or you could exercise on an elliptical trainer or swim for 75 minutes five days a week. Although you may not be ready for six hours right off the bat, aim as high as you can when you begin. Make your first goal 90 to 150 minutes per week, the minimum amount for disease protection. If you're very overweight or have any medical conditions, check with your doctor before increasing activity. 2. Strength Training Strength training will increase your muscle tone, which requires more calories to maintain than fat; therefore, your body will burn a greater number of calories as part of its daily upkeepeven when you're sleeping. Strength training also reinforces the skeleton, helping to stem bone loss. You'll want to start with a

variety of exercises, using either free weights or machines, that work the major muscle groups: abdomen, back, arms,shoulders, and legs. And you'll want to begin with weights that are challenging but not so heavy that they force you to compromise your form. Ideally, work up to doing strength-training exercises two to three times a week. (Find sample exercises in The Life You Want and here.) 3. Functional Fitness Being "functionally fit" means having the strength and agility to get through daily life with easefrom toting an armload of groceries to reaching for a coat in the back of a closet. Functional fitness also makes other types of exercise easier and helps protect you against injury. The exercises that improve functional fitness are primarilystretches, crunches, and other resistance exercises that you do with or without weights. As a group, they increase your core strength, flexibility, balance, and coordination, as well as improve your posture and help you move more gracefully. They take so little time, you should really do them every day, but if that's impossible, do what you can. (Find sample exercises in The Life You Want and here.)

What I Know for Sure About Making Peace With My Body

By Oprah Winfrey Oprah.com | From the August 2002 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

I still have the check I wrote to my first diet doctorBaltimore, 1977. I was 23 years old, 148 pounds, a size 8, and I thought I was fat. The doctor put me on a 1,200-calorie regimen, and in less than two weeks I had lost ten pounds (there's nothing like the first time...). Two months later, I'd regained 12. Thus began the cycle of discontent, the struggle with my body. With myself. I joined the dieting brigadesigning on for the Beverly Hills, Atkins, Scarsdale, Cabbage Soup, and even the Banana, Hot Dog, and Egg diets. What I didn't know is that with each diet, I was starving my muscles, slowing down my metabolism, and setting myself up to gain even more weight in the end. Around 1995, after years of yo-yoing, I finally realized that being grateful to my body, whatever shape it was in, was key to giving more love to myself. Although I'd made the connection intellectually, living it was a different story. Then around last Christmas, after six months of unexplained heart palpitations, I finally got it. On December 19, 2001, I wrote in my journal: "One thing is for surehaving palpitations at night makes me more aware of being happy to awaken in the morning, more grateful for each day." I stopped taking my heart for granted and began thanking it for every beat it had ever given me. I marveled at the wonder of it: In 47 years, I'd never consciously given a thought to what my heart does, feeding oxygen to my lungs, liver, pancreas, even my brain, one beat at a time. For so many years, I had let my heart down by not giving it the support it needed. Overeating. Overstressing. Overdoing. No wonder when I lay down at night it couldn't stop racing. I believe everything that happens in our lives has meaning, that each experience brings a message, if we're willing to hear it. So what was my speeding heart trying to tell me? I still didn't know the answer. Yet simply asking the question caused me to look at my body and how I had failed to honor it. How every diet I had ever been on was to fit into somethingor just to fit in. Taking care of my heart, the life force of my body, had never been my priority. I sat up in bed one crisp, sunny morning and made a vow to love my heart. To treat it with respect. To feed and nurture it. To work it out and then let it rest. Since December I've kept that vow, and my body has started to redefine itself. One night when I was getting out of the tub, I glanced in the full-length mirror. For the first time, I didn't begin my critical speech. I actually felt a warming sense of gratitude for what I saw. My hair braided, not a stitch of makeup on, face clean. My eyes bright, alive. My shoulders and neck strong and firm. Every part of me thankful to be here, living through this body. I did a head-to-toe assessment, and though there was plenty of room for improvement, I no longer hated any part of myself, including the cellulite. I thought, This is the body you've been givenlove what you've got. This is the face I was born withthe same lines I had under my eyes at age 2 have gotten deeper, but they're my lines. The same broad nose I tried to heighten when I was 8, by sleeping with a clothespin and two cotton balls on the sides, is the nose I've grown into. The full lips I used to pull in when smiling are now the lips I use to speak to millions of people every daymy lips need to be full. In that

moment, as I stood before the mirror, I had my own "spiritual transformation / a root revival of love," which Carolyn M. Rodgers writes of in one of my favorite poems, "Some Me of Beauty." What I know for sure is that the struggle is over. I've finally made peace with my body.

Hey, No Body's Perfect

By Lila Keary Oprah.com | From the August 2002 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

She's been through more than a decade of brutal medical procedures and ferocious drugs. But Lila Keary is still amazed by her body's fantastic capabilities, its nervy strength, its crush on life.
I swim lean, vigorous strokes through an alexandrite blue ocean. I laugh and dive and let the sun wash over my face. I sprint and swoop and ride the waves. And then I wake up.

My bedroom develops like a Polaroid, getting sharper as it comes slowly into focus. There on the night table are nine different pills and a syringe I've set out for the morning. Beside them are the sterile gauze and Betadine I use to clean the catheter that's sewn into my chest. The bottle of Betadine not only disinfects, it also serves as a paperweight for the dozen insurance forms that need to be filled out and mailed before the weekend. On the other side of my bed hangs an IV drip for nutrition and hydration. What doesn't kill me sure does keep me from riding many waves. I've had cancer for a third of my life. I've watched people get well and I've watched people die while I scramble from standard drug to new procedure to experimental protocol, buying time till the next big breakthrough. These treatments chip at my body bit by bit. They've screwed up both of my kidneys and damaged my heart. They've made the soles of my feet burn and my fingertips numb with neuropathy. There's no vision in my left eye; my digestive system is shot; I've become severely anemic, prone to depression, unable to have a baby or a frozen margarita or any long-range plans. What's that old joke about the ad for a lost dog? "Blind, incontinent, no teeth, missing right leg, tail, and part of an ear. Answers to the name Lucky." I'd love to say that you've caught me at an off moment, but the fact is I whine a lot. (A fellow patient once told me he'd never heard anyone complain so much and he'd spent 19 months in the Hanoi Hilton.) It seems one of the unspoken side effects of cancer (at least for me) is extreme crankiness. My body has betrayed me and I'm mad as hell. But wallowing in righteous indignation only gets a girl so far. So these days I'm focusing on what this decidedly soft, slightly used, utterly ridiculous 41-year-old body can do. This body, after all, is me. And what I can do is make the best kid I know laugh hysterically simply by feigning shock and revulsion at the sight of a plastic tarantula. I can pitch a baseball, though word on the street is that I throw like a girlor worse, like Chuck Knoblauch. I can cook a chicken Marbella that makes people from Marbella (okay, Brooklyn) beg for the recipe. Furthermore, I have what can only be described as a superhuman gift for picking ripe pineapples. I can listen closely to my friends, my instincts, and Glenn Gould playing the "Goldberg Variations"which I'm told Bach wrote for a Russian count with severe insomnia. On my better days, I can do laundry, dishes, and all things sexual. I can hold down a full-time job, hold up my end of the conversation, and shop with the kind of abandon seldom seen outside of Times Square on New Year's Eve. The time will come when I can't do all these things, but what I know for certain is that I will maintain my identity, which is still rooted in my body imperfect though it may be. Control isn't always possible, but feeling and imagination and a touch of transcendence are. I've taken to grabbing a cup of tea and heading for the roof of my Lower East Side apartment building on mornings when sleep doesn't seem to be an option. Last Thursday at 6:40 A.M., it was pouring. The drops of rain pelting against tin flowerpots sounded like bacon frying. The air smelled like geraniums and lasagnathe old Italian restaurant on the ground floor was already prepping for the lunch crowd. My sweatpants were soaked, my hair was

dripping, one of my slippers was floating away, but lights were starting to switch on all over the neighborhood. Oyster-colored trench coats and black umbrellas were beginning to make their way down Second Avenue. Here were people and puddles and pigeons and trees and taxis, and I got to experience every deliciously drenched inch of it. I have cancer but I also have windy summer mornings in the rain and an active sense of awe at all that I can still touch and taste and see and hear and breathe in at any given moment. I have the crystal-clear understanding that recovery is worth only as much as the life you're recovering.

Life Isn't a Beauty Contest: How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Other Women
Oprah.com | From the August 2002 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

After years of judging her looks, Valerie Monroe finally figures out a way to end the competition.
I grew up with a Barbie doll. Not a toya mother. She was a model, ravenhaired, green-eyed, statuesque, with unrealistically perfect proportions, but there they were. Like the doll, my mother had an extensive wardrobe; Mom's even included a couple of mother-daughter outfits. Were they fetching? I don't remember. I do remember gazing at the two of us dressed alike: one, a fullblown goddess, larger-than-life, a voluptuous Renoir; the other, a skinny, freckle-faced tadpole, an anonymous, unfinished pencil sketch. It was in the shifting of that gazeMom, me, me, Momthat my comparing mind was born. As far as my appearance was concerned, I was undefined except in relation to another woman. Whereas my mother was full and round and complete, I was thin, angular, inchoate. My mother's hair was wavy and thick, always perfectly coiffed. Mine was straight and fine, my bangs always uneven. Clothes clung languidly to my mother's curves like an exhausted lover. My clothes, like wornout Colorforms, refused to stick to me; elastic waistbands were sewn into my skirts to keep them from falling down. Though today I'm no Renoir, neither do I have trouble keeping my skirts up: It's a 51-year-old body I live in. I've finally matured. But my comparing mind has not. It's stubbornly stuck at 6, and if I were to follow its voice, I would feel once again like a tadpole among women. Though I'm full-grown, in my comparing mind I almost always come up short. So when it clamors to be heard, I listen as I would to a recalcitrant child, and then quiet it. Here's what I mean: As I'm walking down a crowded city street, a gorgeous young creature in her thirties, sleek and glossy as a black cat, crosses my path. "Bad luck for you!" cries my comparing mind. "You'll never look like that again! You're old and invisible!" The woman and I are stopped at a curb. Her beauty imbues her with a mild haughtiness. In a regal kind of way, she turns her head in my direction. I catch her eye. "You," I say, "are simply magnificent." The haughtiness vanishes instantly. She's a bit taken aback, momentarily scrutinizes me for motive, sees none apparent, and then smiles her wide (magnificent) smile. "Why, thank you," she says. "It's my pleasure to tell you," I say, and it is. Because I not only remember how happy I have felt as the recipient of an authentic compliment, but now I have enjoyed the additional gratification of being able to give one. Though my comparing mind wants to nullify my power and kick me off the playing field because I can no longer compete, the power I have today is irrevocable. After years of passively accepting a definition of beauty other than my own, of striving to be a noticeable object, I've now assumed an active role, too: Appreciator of All Things Beautiful.

There are several things that recommend the role of appreciator. It's easy to be very busyat least as busy as one can be striving to be among the appreciated. I've discovered what the smartest men have always known: that women can be lovely in many waysas many ways, it seems, as there are women. It's easy to be very happy, noticing things to admire rather than looking only for ways to be admired. You know that feeling you get when you see a lush summer garden, abundantly green and fragrant and riotous with blossoms? Does it bother you that you're not as beautiful as it is? No, of course not; it's a garden. Its beauty has nothing to do with you, takes nothing away from yours. In fact, standing in the middle of a flourishing garden, filling your eyes with the deep and impossibly delicate colors, inhaling the odors, sweet and complex, you might feel more beautiful, more precious yourself, marveling at your own ability to perceive it all. That's the way I feel about those women I used to think of as competitors: Their beauty is one more avenue for a rich enjoyment of the world. But maybe most important as an appreciator, I'm setting my own standards. Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? No, I won't. I won't compare youor myselfto anything, not the weather, not our mothers, not that gorgeous creature crossing our paths. Because a thing of beauty needs no comparison, only an eye to behold it.

What's Holding You Back from Making Your Dream a Reality?

By Barbara Sher Oprah.com | From the November 2011 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Your passionbolstered by strengths, fueled by motivationis crystallizing into a plan. Now what? Barbara Sher explains why it's time to throw an idea party.
Isolation is a dream killer. Sitting alone for too long with an idea is more likely to breed self-doubt than spark an action plan. So before your goal succumbs to inertia, I suggest inviting some friends to what I call an idea party. When you gather people at a party where the goal is making your dream a reality, something amazing happens: A friend of a friend has a contact who can help, your neighbor knows a workaround for what's tripping you upand suddenly, you're in action. I've seen so many fantastic plans get traction at idea parties. A woman interested in fashion got instructions on how to work backstage at Fashion Weekand an introduction to a local designer. Someone who couldn't afford to quit her corporate job but dreamed of working with primates met a zoo liaison who invited her to volunteer with spider monkeys on the weekends. A woodcarver who designed harps out of rare wood was upset that her usual supplier in England had run outuntil another woman at the party exclaimed that her brother had a stand of the same trees in Australia. To get started with your own idea party, you first need to know exactly what's holding you back. Print this exercise and write your goal in the center of the circle. Maybe it's "Train guide dogs for the blind." Or "Set up an art studio in the garage." Or "Study yoga in India." Now consider your goal and listen to all the "but" excuses your brain frantically lobs in your path. "But I have no idea where to train dogs! But the garage gets terrible light! But I don't know anyone who's ever been to India!" Write these excuses outside the circle. These are the obstacles standing between you and your dreamand an idea party will help you knock them down, one by one. Here's how:

1. Go Broad
Ideas flow from unexpected places, so don't worry about crafting a perfectly calibrated guest list or balancing out the lawyers and artists. Invite four or five friends and ask each of them to bring someone. Keep it simple: "I'm having an idea party next week. Want to come?" They'll press for an explanation, but resist. Intrigue is part of the fun.

2. Start by Lying
I know ice-breaking games aren't everyone's cup of tea, but don't skip this step. It's important that your guests feel loose and comfortable before they start brainstormingyou don't want anyone holding back. I use an exercise called the Lying Game to help people think creatively. It's simple: Each person, in 15 seconds or less, tells the biggest lie they can conjure about themselves ("I'm an alligator psychologist"; "I'm the prima diva of the Metropolitan Opera"; "I eat pixie dust for dinner") and then explains what they like most about the lie they've told ("Alligators are suspicious, and it warms my heart when they trust me"). Your guests might not realize it, but they'll be revealing something through the lies they share. This will help others feel more trusting around them, even if they can't articulate why. And as the game continues, people will build on one another's suggestionsexactly the interaction you're trying to cultivate.

3. Let the Ideas Fly

When you're ready to get down to business, have everyone sit in a circle. Explain your goal and the obstacles. For instance, "I want to go to India, but I'd like to talk to someone who's been there first; I don't speak the language; I don't know a good travel agent." Then pick up a pen and get ready to writeyou're about to be flooded with ideas. It's important that you not filter responses or discount suggestionswrite everything down, to process later. If you think you'll have a hard time with this, ask a friend to be the note-taker. Don't be surprised if guests ping-pong ideas at one anotheror call or e-mail days later with new insights. All of it becomes ammunition for you to break down barriers and start living your life to its fullest.

I'm Making It: Activities for Weeks 15 and 16

By Sandra Magsamen Oprah.com | July 19, 2010

Week 15
As a part of her I'm Making It program, Sandra Magsamen shares daily activities that will help you live life with laughter and joy.
Laughter is an instant vacation. It's no surprise that a UCLA study documented what we already knew to be true: On average, at age 5, we engage in creative tasks 98 times a day, laugh 113 times and ask 65 questions. By age 44, the numbers fade to two creative tasks a day, 11 laughs and six questions. This study is shocking! What are we thinking? We can't go on like thiswe need to rearrange those numbers and start laughing, playing and creating a lot more. Right now!

To that end, this week we are bringing laughterand therefore playto the forefront of our minds, hearts and actions. This week, you must increase the number of times you laugh. So laugh at nothing, at an old funny movie, a joke, a memory, a mishap, a mistake, a play or

a comedian. Laugh with a friend and/or by yourself. Write in your journal each day and share the details of what makes you laugh. Pay attention to what makes you smile, what makes you giggle and, of course, what makes you fall down in torrents of uncontrollable laughter.

Find out how you can put more laughter and play into your life I heard an old saying that goes something like this: "Don't take life so seriously; no one gets out alive." I have to say there is real truth in that. Sure, get your work done and be serious when called for, but also make sure you put lots of laughter, play and fun back into your life. Playing isn't just for kids anymore. You don't have to look far to see examples of play at work in the world. Look for role models who are successful at bringing play and laughter into their lives. For example, it always makes me happy (and soulful) when I watch Ellen DeGeneres dance at the start of her show. Ellen is just being herselfher playful, creative self. She dances for the sheer fun of it, and then the audience starts standing up and dancing with her. Each day fans cheer for the ritual to continue. Dancing at the start of the show has become her signaturea way for Ellen the host to connect with her audience. Her carefree individual style of play has given others the permission to do the same. So play, smile and laugh. As Mother Theresa said, "We shall never know all the good that a simple smile can do," reminding us that a smile has great power to connect, to heal and to uplift... My daughter and I were driving to the store when she was 11 or 12 years old, and I noticed she was waving to every car around us. I witnessed her smiling and I witnessed the people in the cars around us smiling and waving as well. When I asked her what she was doing, she replied, "The last time we went to the store, I waved at 25 people and 20 waved back. Today I waved at 30 people and 30 waved back and smiled." For my daughter on this day, her success was measured in smiles and greetings. Aren't smiles and greetings the measurement for joy and success for all of our lives? Playfulness such as this rejuvenates and revitalizes you. It helps you to see the world from different points of view. It rekindles your optimism, encourages experimentation, invites laughter and renews your ability to be flexible and resilient. Play and laughter can help you make meaningful connections as you adapt to this changing world. Remember, a day without laughter is a day wasted.

Week 16: Kindness Matters

Individual acts of kindness and generosity of spirit change the world. Kindness is magical, and it is contagious. A single smile brings on another smile, a good-

morning greeting ushers in another greeting. Thoughtfulness, consideration and care enhance our well-being and that of those around us. A gentle approach to living, where civility and respect are honored, is the foundation for any relationship to begin and grow. Without kindness in our lives, the world can quickly turn cold, empty and negative. Kindness gives us hope, it connects us to each other and it reminds us of the beauty that lives within us all. Being kind requires nothing but a desire to contribute to the world in a positive way. Simple acts of kindness and generosity of spirit require little effort, yet they touch our lives deeply and have a huge impact. We have all had days when nothing seems to be going right, and then out of the blue, someone holds a door open, yields their car so you can pull out on a busy street or says, "You look pretty today!" These simple actions turn a negative moment into a positive one. One of my favorite quotes, by the author Henry James, says much about kindness: "Three things in human life are important: One is to be kind, the second is to be kind and the third is to be kind." When we are shown kindness, we feel like we belong, that we are connected and that we matter. Look around you this week and recognize friends, family members and neighbors who transform the world by their acts of thoughtfulness, compassion and care. Celebrate the purposeful actions you take as you expand meaningful participation in your homes, schools, communities, towns, states, countries and the world. Your positive, kind, creative responses to social issues matter and can change the world for the better. There is great power in living consciously, with the goal of celebrating and helping one another. The smallest of efforts can yield positive results.

Explore five stories of kindness.

"I learned long ago, that those who are the happiest are those who do the most for others." Booker T. Washington

Story 1: Community companionship I recently read about a wonderful woman who lives in Salt Lake City, Utah. Having been homebound while battling lymphoma, she felt lonely and in need of someone to talk with. She reasoned that there must also be other people who are alone and stuck inside without companionship, so she called the county aging services and asked them to help her reach out to other seniors who might want to chat on the phone, have someone check up on them or

simply just get a call to say hello. Shortly after her inquiry, they gave her the name and number of a woman who needed just that. What began as a single call and a lone volunteer has now grown into a program with 350 volunteer callers and even more people at the other end of the line. Story 2: The Blanket Project Following the devastation of hurricane Katrinaone of the worst natural disasters in our country's historya group of people in San Francisco began something called The Blanket Project. Their mission is very simple: to let those directly affected know that we Americans across the country care and are concerned about them. The Blanket Project reminds us that the making of blankets and quilts is a time-honored tradition in which love and care are stitched into an object that gives warmth, comfort and shelter. The Blanket Project envisions every survivor of Katrina enveloped in blankets sewn with wishes, prayers, love and the support of the American people. This grassroots effort invites each of us to make a quilt or blanket to cover someone in kindness and care. Hundreds of blankets have been made and shipped to the Gulf Coast, and thousands more are still being made. Children are making them in schools, women are making them at book clubs and families are making them at home. Anyone can make a blanketeven you. Story 3: A treasured memento I heard of a woman whose friend lost everything in the storm. Though she, thankfully, saved her family, everything elseher house, job and lifestylehad vanished. Wanting to help her, a friend went through all her own photographs, finding many pictures of the woman and her family that had been taken over the years. She gathered them in a book, a treasured memento to share. Her gift is an act of kindness that will help to soothe an aching heart. Story 4: Project Linus Covering someone in love is prevalent all over our country. There is a national program called Project Linus, through which women lovingly craft handmade mittens, blankets, hats, gloves and scarves that are then donated to local hospitals and schools to be given to children in need. These ladies and this group provide love, a sense of security, warmth and comfort to children of all ages who are very ill or otherwise in need of a "heart-made" gift lovingly created by a volunteer "Blanketeer." Story 5: Human-chain beach rescue A story of the power we possess when people work together in kindness recently brought me to tears. As I watched the CBS Evening News, I saw footage of a human chain made up of 30 people who were rescuing five beachgoers from a riptide in Bloomington Point Beach, Prince Edward Island. The five swimmers had been enjoying the afternoon in the water when suddenly a tide yanked their footing out from under them and pulled them without warning into deep water. The swimmers were in danger of drowning, when bystanders linked their arms, formed a long line and, after nearly an hour, managed to pull every one of them to safety. Strangers and friends pulled together, connected arm by arm, and found the strength among themselves to rescue these people in need. Without this human chain, the chain of events probably would have

had a very different outcome.

Imagine a world where this loving, thoughtful, kind, intuitive, innovative and powerful force was used to solve all of our problems.

Get some ideas for how you can make a difference through kindness "Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands. One for helping yourself, the other for helping others." Audrey Hepburn

We all have the power to make a difference in the lives of others. Through our intentions and actions, we choose to bring positive experiences into our lives and those of others. We can all do something. Do what you can. Do what looks like it needs doing. Do it your own way. Do it because you want to. Do something because you know you can. Each day this week, decide to extend a gesture of kindness to someone in your life. Think about this as an opportunity to be kind to all the people who touch your life in some way or another: your family, friends, coworkers, bus driver, mail person, delivery person, neighbor and even the lady at the checkout counter at the grocery store. Your act of kindness doesn't have to be a big somethingit can be small, but it will have a huge impact. Here are some ideas to get you started:

Bake your favorite cookies and give them out. Pick a few flowers and leave them on the windshield of your neighbor's car. Email a friend with some photos you took. Call your mother. Smile and say thank you at a check-out counter. Help a young mom manage with small kids in the grocery store. Be polite to solicitors on the phone. Share the bounty of your garden.

Send a thank-you note. Water a friend's garden while he or she is away.

Offer to help someone. Have the kind of week where kindness flourishes.

What Really Makes People Happy

By Jessica Winter Oprah.com | From the May 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

How are you feeling these days? Like hiding your head under the pillows (and your money under the mattress) and saying "wake me when it's over"? We've got something a lot better for you than escape.
It was a dreary afternoon not long ago, one of those days when the sunlight is wan and somehow sooty, flattening everything into a halfhearted pencil sketch. Sitting at my desk, I quit staring at my cuticles long enough to open a YouTube link from a frienda newsclip about Jason McElwain. You might remember Jason, the autistic high school student from Rochester, New York, who scored 20 points in four minutes during his one-and-only stint in a game with his school's basketball team. In the clip, the coach gets choked up retelling Jason's story; tears sprang to my eyes, too. As I watched the elated home crowd rushing the court after Jason's final three-pointer, I felt borne aloft on a wave of happy pandemonium. I started forwarding the video, hoping my friends would feel what I felt: awe, surprised delight, teary joy. Within a few minutes, the replies started coming in: "Crying." "Oh no, I'm crying at work!"

"I'm Facebooking this now. Amazing." "Wowjust what I needed. Thanks!" And then I wondered: Does this feeling come in prescription form? Especially in our current moment of doom and gloom, stories like Jason McElwain's seem like just what the doctor ordered. When forces beyond our control have upended what we thought we knew for sure (about our savings, our homes, our country, our future) and a drizzle of apprehension settles over us, we hunger for uplift. We want a nudge toward happiness, a little magic to open the pressure valve of everyday lifethe sublime thrill of transcendence to be found in a Mendelssohn symphony or a Turner landscape, in a perfect kiss or perfect morning jog, in time spent with our families and friends. And then we want to hit Forward on that feeling: because the more we share it, the stronger it grows. But a yen for uplift isn't just a sentimental reflex (grumps and pessimists, stick with us!). The physiology that makes McElwain-brand exhilaration possible is also the bedrock of our instincts for compassion, caretaking, and connection. The capacity for uplift is part of what makes us essentially, euphorically human. According to a growing body of scientific research, it's critical to our health and well-being. And luckily, lifting our spirits doesn't depend on finding YouTube miracles in our in-box. (Well, not entirely.) For the most part, it's up to us. We can start in the general vicinity of our cleavage, with that serene warm-chest feeling that washes over us when we're moved by an extraordinary act or by a person of great virtue (whether it's Nelson Mandela, Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger, or the amazing woman who runs your local soup kitchen). But to reach the physiological root of those sensations, we need to take a close look at the vagus nerveactually a bundle of nerves that starts at the base of the brain and branches out through the body, linking up with the facial and vocal muscles and the heart, lungs, and gut. Acting as a messenger between the central nervous system and the major organs, the vagus nerve slows the heart rate (through the release of the neurotransmitter acetylcholine), calms the immune response (by controlling the release of proteins called cytokines), and communicates with the muscles that control respiration and digestion. When we give a reassuring smile or sigh in sympathy with another person, the vagus nerve is quietly at work behind the scenes, "reducing our heart rate to a more peaceful pace [and] enhancing the likelihood of gentle contact in close proximity with others," social psychologist Dacher Keltner writes in his recent book, Born to Be Good. The mellowing vagus is also closely associated with oxytocin, the all-important hormone of human trust and devotion. For a study published last year, researchers Jonathan Haidt and Jennifer A. Silvers invited nursing mothers to bring their babies and watch a clip from The Oprah Winfrey Show in which a musician paid moving tribute to his former teacher for steering him away from a life of crime and gangs. The moms who watched (and, sometimes, cried through) the elevating Oprah clip were more likely to nurse

and hug their babiessuggesting heightened levels of oxytocin, which cues lactationthan another group who laughed along with a video of Jerry Seinfeld telling jokes. Oxytocin, often released along the smooth and orderly Route Vagus, is essential to uplift, according to Haidt, an associate professor in social psychology at the University of Virginia. (His name, aptly, is pronounced "height.") In his view, human happiness derives neither from external validation nor solely from within, but from "between": through the relationships created by love, work, and "something larger than yourself"whether it's a religious group, a volunteer organization, or a political campaign. "If happiness comes from between," Haidt says, "then oxytocin is the hormone of between. It's the catalyst that helps bond people together."

Even if we don't know Oxytocin from OxyContin or our vagus from Las Vegas, we seem to know intuitively how to prepare our spirits for takeoffeven when the forecast calls for grounding all flights. For one thing, we're yearning to discover new, deep connections with others. In fact, many of us are investing in the most private form of "between" there is: the oxytocin factory known as romantic intimacy. Memberships at the online-dating site Match.com were up 16 percent in January compared with the same period in 2008; in February, Match's competitor PlentyofFish.com saw a whopping 94 percent rise in traffic over the previous year. And despite the sharp contraction in most consumer spending since the economic crisis blew up last fall, Babeland, a sex toys retailer with four outlets in New York City and Seattle, has seen double-digit increases in sales; during Valentine's Day weekend, sales were up 26 percent over the previous year. "We haven't seen a spike like this since just after September 11," says cofounder Claire Cavanah. "People are nesting. They're looking for a stress reliever. They want to be comforted." (And, evidently, they want vibrators. Sleek, fuchsia-colored vibrators.) We're sweating out stress at the gym, too, which also hits the V-spot: Aerobic exercise and yoga enhance vagus nerve outputas does meditation. The Equinox fitness club chain, with locations nationwide, reports an 18 percent increase in usage of its gyms since last autumn; attendance at Curves, a women's-only national chain, was up 22 percent in January 2009 compared with the previous year. Memberships at Life Time Fitness, which has locations in 18 states, are up 14 percent. And yoga teachers appear to be the new first responders to (economic) emergency. Invoke, a yoga and Pilates studio in Indianapolis, has seen higher revenues and attendance since last fall, according to owner Amy Peddycord, whose $5 community yoga classes are always packed. David Sunshine, owner of Dallas Yoga Center, laments that he has to keep turning people away from his new yoga-for-stress classes. Groups of people sun saluting through hard times together is an indicator of what Haidt calls our "hive psychology." "Evolutionary history over the past 15,000 to 20,000 years involves a lot of synchronous movement, chanting, dancingthe temporary creation of larger groups," he says. "It's a way of

ramping up the 'between' to make people feel part of something greater than themselves." Joining a hive could be as simple as laughing or gasping along with an audience at a comedy or thriller (movie attendance is up 17.5 percent this year). Or as profound as huddling in freezing temperatures with 1.8 million of your fellow Americans at the National Mall on Inauguration Day. President Obama's call to service has given a big boost to one of the most reliable vehicles for uplift: volunteer work, which forges yet another kind of nourishing "between." Sonya Lyubomirsky, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Riverside, has consistently found that performing acts of kindness is highly correlated with increased happiness, improving both our selfimage andoxytocin alert!our sense of community. One beneficiary of the service surge, the volunteer organization New York Cares, reports a 30 percent increase in prospective volunteers attending orientation sessions in January compared with the same period in 2008, and a monumental 75 percent increase from February 2008 to February 2009. "People will increasingly turn to volunteer work to lift their spirits during the economic crisis," predicts trend analyst Kiwa Iyobe, of the New York Citybased marketing consultancy Suite 2046. "A lot of people seem to have learned through their experiences during the presidential campaign that being part of a community and making a differenceeven a small oneis deeply satisfying. No matter how busy or stressed they are right now, volunteers report that they always feel better after taking a few hours to do something positive for their community along with a bunch of like-minded strangers. It has the effect of putting their own lives and problems into perspective." So, the basic, scientifically proven recipe for raising our spirits appears to be deliciously straightforward: sex, exercise (other than sex), and service (other than...never mind). But for those times when your sweetheart and your running shoes are out of reach and your next volunteering gig is a few days off, uplift is also available in instant fun-size packets. "Even if you're just sitting in a chair, there are things you can do to change the pace of the day in a way that's recuperative and uplifting," says Karen Bradley, a visiting associate professor of dance at the University of Maryland. "Take a minute to write your name in cursive with your eyeballs, or count your teeth with your tongue, or just hum along with some music. The muscles around your eyes will relax; your jaw will relax; you will start to breathe more deeply." (Caution: All that droning and eye-rolling may not have the same calming effect on observers.) Bradley also loves "the 20-minute 'Google Earth vacation.' You pick an exotic location, choose your resort hotel, decide which restaurants to visit and what you'll eat. I've gone everywhere: New Zealand, Machu Picchu, the Galpagos Islands. It reminds you that you're not the center of the universeit opens your mind and gives you perspective." Evolutionary anthropologist Sarah Blaffer Hrdy likewise looks outward to find "momentary joys." "I'll take a walk and wait for little flashes of discovery in the natural world," she says. "Recently, I watched my dog leap through the air, over

a creek, to chase a wild turkeysomething I'd never seen her do before. I can't jump creeks anymore, so I enjoyed being part of her abandon!" Any minor shift in outlookincluding a little vicarious creek jumpingcan make a dismal picture less dispiriting. Yale psychology professor Susan NolenHoeksema, an expert on depression, has studied our penchant for selfpunishing rumination when we face a problema tendency that many of us have indulged during the past eight months. She found that a simple, tenminute imagery task (such as picturing clouds in a bright blue sky or a cheery stack of watermelons in a pickup truck) can turn brooding into focused action. "The quality of your problem-solving markedly improves," says NolenHoeksema. "When you're ruminating, the negative thoughts are so strong that it's hard to inhibit them. But even after a moment of distraction, those thoughts aren't activated anymore. It's like pressing the restart button when your computer is acting up." Remember, too, that crafty reprogramming of the mind doesn't necessarily depend on what you're thinking about, but how you're thinking about it. Harvard psychology professor Ellen Langer once assembled three groups of footballaverse women to watch the Super Bowl; the group assigned to make six "novel distinctions" about the game ("It didn't matter if it was about the players' rear endsanything," Langer explains) enjoyed themselves significantly more than the group that had to take notice of just three things, or nothing at all. What we can learn from the mindful Super Bowl party, Langer says, is that "when times are tough, the way out is in actively noticing new things. The essence of happiness is that feeling of engagement with the world and with other people." In other words, instead of waiting for this daunting moment to pass, we can try to seize and shape it, to lighten ithowever we please. So send the link. Start the conversation. Report for duty. Make the novel distinction. Move. Roll your eyeballs around. Go to the game. Grab somebody's hand. And, yesif you do just one thingonly connect. A friend tells a story about going to see an exhibit at the Museum of Modern Art in New York City. She was drawn to a room where a crowd had gathered in a semicircle before a canvas, obviously mesmerized. As she approached the paintingVincent van Gogh's breathtaking Starry Nightand joined the group, she felt gathered up into their shared, awestruck stillness. Tears welled in her eyes: For one transcendent instant, she'd found her hive, had found her between. "We are incomplete creatures," says Jonathan Haidt. "We cannot live alone; we cannot find our own meaning alone. We realize our potential, we become alive, only when we find the 'between.'" Chances are, the between is closer than you think. It could be waiting for you in

someone's eyes, in a phrase of music, in a starry night. You can find it. Just keep looking up.

Awakening Joy

By Suzan Colon Oprah.com | From the January 2008 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Is joy the privilege of naturally happy people, a fleeting feeling, or something that can be created at will? Meditation instructor James Baraz attempted an experiment with a smile.
It came as no surprise to a woman we'll call Joan when, after 16 years of marriage, she and her husband started discussing the possibility of divorce. Deep down she'd never believed that her marriage, or any marriage, could be genuinely happy. Still, the reality was crushing. "I was desperate," she says. "I thought, 'I'd do anything to feel better.'" How about singing every day, making lists of things that made her happy, and getting a "joy buddy"? Those are among the suggestions given in Awakening Joy, a class taught by James Baraz, a meditation instructor and founding teacher of Spirit Rock Meditation Center in Woodacre, California. A series of exercises, lectures, and meditations stretched over ten months, Awakening Joy is designed to bring more happiness to people's lives. Like some participants, Joan, who heard about the program while attending a meditation retreat at Spirit Rock, initially balked at the idea of singing. "I thought James wanted me to join a choir," she says, "but I took it on faith that the singing was going to work." So she started trilling along with the Hairspray soundtrack while driving. "It seemed ridiculous, but that's what initially helped me the most." "The course uses practices that lead the mind toward states of happiness and well-being," says Baraz. "In other words, it teaches you to focus on how it feels to feel good." The first and most important step, he says, is intention: making the decision to be happy. Robert Holden, PhD, author of Happiness Now! Timeless Wisdom for Feeling Good Fast and director of the Happiness Project in the United Kingdom, agrees that this is key. "'Intention' is another word for 'focus.' Whatever you focus on will become more apparent and will grow. For centuries, optimists and pessimists have argued over who's right, and the

answer is they both are; each sees what they're looking for. If you focus on happiness, that's what you become more aware of."

Once participants have made up their minds to be happier, Baraz gives them the tools, delivered in lectures to the live class he teaches in Berkeley and in twice-monthly e-mails sent to participants in other areas, that teach them how to cultivate a positive state of mind. Among them:

writing what the word "joy" means to you doing some form of physical movement, such as yoga, dance, or walking, a few times a week making a "nourishment list" of activities you enjoy, checking off those you do regularly and circling the ones that could be done more often

checking in with your "joy buddy," a kind of running partner in the pursuit of happiness. "That's important," says Holden. "One of the major blocks to happiness is a sense of isolation. If you're alive, you need help." There are also guided meditations, including instructions on how to be mindfulbeing present for whatever you're doing and, as Baraz says, "simply being aware of what is happening right now without wishing it were different." For Joan, that turned out to be a bigger challenge than singingespecially when her husband suggested that they begin the separation process. "Awakening Joy isn't about being a happy little do bee," she says. "You're taught that when feelings arise, no matter what they are, you stay with them. When my husband said we should contact a mediator, I cried years of tears. But by accepting those painful feelings, I had a watershed moment: I realized that I really wanted this marriage." Rather than assuming divorce was inevitable, Joan started to see other possibilities. "From that day to this, it's been a whole different experience," she says. "My husband and I are still together, and in a way that I honestly didn't think was possible." For Baraz, the best testimonials come from former skeptics; he admits that he himself wouldn't be the best case study. "I've always been a relatively joyful, celebratory kind of person," he says. He found his spiritual path in Buddhism, but when his studies became very serious, so did he. "Then I realized that the Buddha was called the Happy One, and he said, 'Go for the highest happiness.' That became the focus of my teaching." (Baraz points out that one needn't be a Buddhist, or of any particular faith, to reap the benefits of Awakening Joy. "Ministers, rabbis, and secular experts have successfully used these basic principles," he says.) The idea for the course began eight years ago, when Baraz's wife, Jane, gave him a book called How We Choose to Be Happy, by Rick Foster and Greg Hicks. "The instructions made a lot of sense, but they didn't have a spiritual dimension," Baraz says. "So I added that and presented it as a series of talks

with my weekly meditation group for about three months to see what would happen." The results: "We got happier and happier!" Baraz then turned Awakening Joy into a six-month class and found that participants maintained a positive attitude even after it ended (as long as they practiced the exercises; as with diets or working out, continuity is essential). Word of mouth about the course that could make people happier began to spread: The first round of Awakening Joy meetings consisted of about 40 members. The next numbered 100; the next, 200, and then 500. It went international when its members began e-mailing their monthly homework assignments from the lectures to friends. Baraz was thrilled to receive messages from strangers in Europe, Africa, and New Zealand. "It works!" they wrote. Apparently, you didn't have to be there to get the joy. Nor do you have to be the type who can deftly turn a frown upside down. "I'm the person who walks into a nicely designed room and notices only that the painting was hung too high," says Gretchen, age 56. In addition to being a "serious" woman from a depressive family, Gretchen also found herself in chronic pain after sustaining a back injury. "It was horrible," she recalls. "Medication made me sick. I felt guilty about not being able to work, and I thought people were judging me." Though a specialist was able to alleviate some of her physical discomfort, Gretchen fell into a deep depression. She heard about Awakening Joy after taking Baraz's meditation classes at Spirit Rock. "The first thing I was hit by was the instruction to notice what it feels like when you're happy," she says. "I loved the walks I took to help my back, but before, I just plodded down the street, not noticing anything. Now I'm aware of how I feel when I'm walking, which enhances my enjoyment." Writing lists of things she's grateful for was also a big help. "A lot of my seriousness has lifted," she says. "I have a lighter heart. I still have chronic pain, but I know there's a lot to feel good about." Baraz is writing a book about Awakening Joy and the people who now routinely roll up the windows in their cars so they can sing as loudly as they want to. "More than 2,000 people have tested it, so it's not some airy-fairy idea," he says. "I've learned that it's possible to change, no matter what your history or the limiting beliefs you've held on to. If you have the intention to be happy and you do the practices, if you give it your best shot and are very patient, it works." We're all so used to thinking that we'll finally be content when we find the perfect partner, lose weight, or get our dream job. Is it really possible to become happier just by deciding you can? "We use the language of having, getting, and chasing to describe happiness, rather than being," says Holden. "What we've learned about happiness is that it isn't an it or a thing. Research has proven that there is no one set of circumstances that makes someone happy; it's more about having a healthy mental attitude toward whatever you're experiencing. So, you can either chase happiness or you can choose to be happy. It really is that simple."

5 Things Happy People Do

By Gabrielle LeBlanc Oprah.com | From the March 2008 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Sages going back to Socrates have offered advice on how to be happy, but only now are scientists beginning to address this question with systematic, controlled research. Although many of the new studies reaffirm time-honored wisdom ("Do what you love," "To thine own self be true"), they also add a number of fresh twists and insights. We canvassed the leading experts on what happy people have in commonand why it's worth trying to become one of them. 1. They find their most golden self. Picture happiness. What do you see? A peaceful soul sitting in a field of daisies appreciating the moment? That kind of passive, pleasure-orientedhedonic contentment is definitely a component of overall happiness. But researchers now believe that eudaimonic well-being may be more important. Cobbled from the Greek eu ("good") and daimon ("spirit" or "deity"), eudaimonia means striving toward excellence based on one's unique talents and potential Aristotle considered it to be the noblest goal in life. In his time, the Greeks believed that each child was blessed at birth with a personal daimon embodying the highest possible expression of his or her nature. One way they envisioned the daimon was as a golden figurine that would be revealed by cracking away an outer layer of cheap pottery (the person's baser exterior). The effort to know and realize one's most golden self"personal growth," in today's lingois now the central concept of eudaimonia, which has also come to include continually taking on new challenges and fulfilling one's sense of purpose in life. "Eudaimonic well-being is much more robust and satisfying than hedonic happiness, and it engages different parts of the brain," says Richard J. Davidson, PhD, of the University of Wisconsin-Madison. "The positive emotion

accompanying thoughts that are directed toward meaningful goals is one of the most enduring components of well-being." Eudaimonia is also good for the body. Women who scored high on psychological tests for it (they were purposefully engaged in life, pursued self-development) weighed less, slept better, and had fewer stress hormones and markers for heart disease than othersincluding those reporting hedonic happinessaccording to a study led by Carol Ryff, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of WisconsinMadison. 2. They design their lives to bring in joy. It may seem obvious, but "people don't devote enough time to thinking seriously about how they spend their life and how much of it they actually enjoy," says David Schkade, PhD, a psychologist and professor of management at the University of California San Diego. In a recent study, Schkade and colleagues asked more than 900 working women to write down everything they'd done the day before. Afterward, they reviewed their diaries and evaluated how they felt at each point. When the women saw how much time they spent on activities they didn't like, "some people had tears in their eyes," Schkade says. "They didn't realize their happiness was something they could design and have control over." Analyzing one's life isn't necessarily easy and may require questioning longheld assumptions. A high-powered career might, in fact, turn out to be unfulfilling; a committed relationship once longed for could end up being irritating with all the compromising that comes with having a partner. Dreams can be hard to abandon, even when they've turned sour. Fortunately, changes don't have to be big ones to tip the joy in your favor. Schkade says that if you transfer even an hour of your day from an activity you hate (commuting, scrubbing the bathroom) to one you like (reading, spending time with friends), you should see a significant improvement in your overall happiness. Taking action is key. Another recent study, at the University of Missouri, compared college students who made intentional changes (joining a club, upgrading their study habits) with others who passively experienced positive turns in their circumstances (receiving a scholarship, being relieved of a bad roommate). All the students were happier in the short term, but only the group who made deliberate changes stayed that way. 3. They avoid "if only" fantasies. If only I get a better job...find a man...lose the weight...life will be perfect. Happy people don't buy into this kind of thinking. The latest research shows that we're surprisingly bad at predicting what will make us happy. People also tend to misjudge their contentment when zeroing in on a single aspect of their lifeit's called the focusing illusion. In one study, single subjects were asked, "How happy are you with your life in general?" and "How many dates did you have last month?" When the dating question was asked first, their romantic life weighed more heavily into how they rated their overall happiness than when the questions were reversed.

The other argument against "if only" fantasies has to do with "hedonic adaptation"the brain's natural dimming effect, which guarantees that a new house won't generate the same pleasure a year after its purchase and the thrill of having a boyfriend will ebb as you get used to being part of a couple. Happy people are wise to this, which is why they keep their lives full of novelty, even if it's just trying a new activity (diving, yoga) or putting a new spin on an old favorite (kundalini instead of vinyasa). 4. They put best friends first. It's no surprise that social engagement is one of the most important contributors to happiness. What's news is that the nature of the relationship counts. Compared with dashing around chatting with acquaintances, you get more joy from spending longer periods of time with a close friend, according to research by Meliksah Demir, PhD, assistant professor of psychology at Northern Arizona University. And the best-friend benefit doesn't necessarily come from delving into heavy discussions. One of the most essential pleasures of close friendship, Demir found, is simple companionship, "just hanging out," as he says, hitting the mall or going to the movies together and eating popcorn in the dark. 5. They allow themselves to be happy. As much as we all think we want it, many of us are convinced, deep down, that it's wrong to be happy (or too happy). Whether the belief comes from religion, culture, or the family you were raised in, it usually leaves you feeling guilty if you're having fun. "Some people would say you shouldn't strive for personal happiness until you've taken care of everyone in the world who is starving or doesn't have adequate medical care," says Howard Cutler, MD, coauthor with the Dalai Lama of The Art of Happiness in a Troubled World. "The Dalai Lama believes you should pursue both simultaneously. For one thing, there is clear research showing that happy people tend to be more open to helping others. They also make better spouses and parents." And in one famous study, nuns whose autobiographies expressed positive emotions (such as gratitude and optimism) lived seven to 10-and-a-half years longer than other nuns. So, for any die-hard pessimist who still needs persuading, just think of how much more you can help the world if you allow a little happiness into your life.

25 Ways to Beat the Blues

Oprah.com | From the January 2001 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Knowledge is power, knowledge is funand it can help send your sadness away for good.
"The best thing for being sad...is to learn something," said T.H. White in The Once and Future King. This has nothing to do with academic drudgery and everything to do with the fact that mastering a technique, sharpening a skill, doing something you didn't know how to do before, proves anything is possible. Here are 25 ways to brighten up those little gray cells. 1. Memorize one good joke. 2. Learn how to land a triple lutz...or maybe just how to skate backward. 3. Teach yourself not to take the bait the next time a loved one starts pestering you. 4. Master Italian (or American Sign Language, German, Spanish, French, Pig Latin...) 5. Have a kid show you one foolproof magic trick. 6. Perfect your margarita-making technique. 7. Enroll in a bookbinding course. 8. Read everything by a single author whom you've been meaning to get to for years. Faulkner? Melville? Auden? Colette? 9. Knit yourself or someone you love a sweateror perhaps just a scarf.

10. Start writing a short story. 11. Sign up for piano lessons. 12. Find a kind of meditation that feels right. 13. Join a boxing class. 14. Learn how to make your grandmother's piecrust. 15. Figure out how to operate at least one feature of your cell phone, Blackberry, Tivo or iPad that you're not using and isn't all that necessary to your actual life but is rather cool. 16. Create your own blog. 17. Come up with one can't-miss-mealand serve it to six friends. 18. Try a new kind of yoga class. 19. Conquer your revulsion at putting the worm on the hook. 20. Tennis, anyone? 21. Learn to be alone (turn off your TV and your phone, shut down your computer, and enjoy a little solitude). 22. Tango...it only takes one to practice. 23. Buy an atlas; spend some time with it. You'll never know when Meredith Viera will call and you'll have to be a lifeline. 24. Polish your inner Joni Mitchell: Pick up the guitar you put down in tenth grade. 25. Learn to juggle. We mean oranges, not responsibilities.

6 Types of Emotional Muggersand How to Defend Yourself Against Them

Oprah.com | April 12, 2011

The world is full of people hoping to rob you of your good mood. Here's how to perfect the fine art of psychological self-defense.
My client Francine's husband had started behaving oddly. "I'll do something ordinary, like offer to check his e-mail for him, and he'll react as if I've killed a child," she said. Another client, Selma, was a sunny optimistexcept when her

sister Eve called to complain about life; by the time they hung up, Selma was always exhausted and depressed. Meanwhile, my friend Pamela was getting blindsided at a public-speaking workshop. "I gave a speech that went really well," she told me, "and then this other woman got up and spent her whole speech mocking everything I'd done wrong." Let's call it emotional mugging: You're going along minding your own business, and suddenly, when you least expect it, you're faced with a shocking attack on your mood or peace of mind. Being emotionally mugged can be crippling, but because the damage is so often invisible, few of us are ever taught selfdefense. Time to change that. You're probably aware that the Asian martial arts, with their deft approach to handling attack, are popular practices for warding off physical muggers. Well, karate-do ("the way of the empty hand") and bushido("the way of the warrior") have a psychological equivalent I call emodo (pronounced "ee-moh-doh"): the way of the emotional master. An Ounce of Prevention... Like all opportunistic criminals, emotional muggers target people who wander around bad neighborhoods. The best way to become a victim is to turn your own mind into such a placea place filled with self-hatred, unfair criticism, and gloomy predictions. This kind of setting not only attracts muggers but can leave you so emotionally tapped out that you turn to psychological crime yourself. By contrast, those who follow emo-do create an inner space of clean, clear selfconfidence. To cultivate such an environment, you must keep three brave commitments. First, vow never to deliberately create suffering for yourself or others. (If you can't do this, count on being mugged frequently. There's no honor among thieves.) Second, always own your mistakes and do your best to correct them. Third, forgive yourself when your best isn't good enough. Keeping these commitments creates deep strength that scares off most emotional muggers. And should some misguided thug ambush you anyway, emo-do will help you launch a powerful defense. If You Are Attacked My former karate teacher, Jay Cool (yes! really!), used to study muggers' patterns to help develop counterattack strategies for the Phoenix police. "There are only so many ways to assault someone," Jay says. "Every mugger uses some version of a few basic approaches." This is also true of emotional attackers, and knowing their strategy helps you thwart them. Here are six types of emotional muggerand, for each, the commensurate emo-do response.

1. Puppy Kickers The term sounds brutal, but most of us can understand itbecause most of us have been perpetrators ourselves. Picture: The cat's sick, your husband's away, you didn't sleep all night, and as you rush to get your 6-year-old ready for school, she tries to tell you something about her imaginary koala using whispered pig Latin, in which she is not remotely fluent. After five minutes of unintelligible babble, you hear yourself shout, "For God's sake, talk like a normal person!" You've just emotionally mugged your own offspring. It feels, as Anne Lamott writes, like bitch-slapping ET. I'm not saying puppy kicking is okay because it's common. But seeing it from the mugger's perspective helps you mount an effective defense when you're the kickee. Emo-Do Defense: Start by recognizing that the mugging isn't about you; you just happened to be standing there, wagging your tail, when someone went temporarily insane. Try puppyish responses: Trot off and find another friend, or (if the mugger is a loved one) offer kindness. Say, "You seem really stressed. Can I help?" This can actually turn puppy kicking into gratitude. 2. Exploding Doormats Cora's assistant, Angie, had been glum all day. Trying to lighten the mood, Cora said, "You should leave earlythere's traffic." "Leave early?" Angie shouted. "That would mean I have to do everything in even less time!" Then she stormed out, slamming the door behind her. Angie is an exploding doormat. She doesn't stand up for herself until her emotions reach a critical limitat which point she goes postal with virtually no provocation. Exploding doormats are more harmful than puppy kickers because they harbor festering hostility toward their targets. Emo-Do Defense: Cora's attempt to soothe Angie's anger by being extra nice was manipulative, so it made things worse. The next day, she switched to open, frank discussion, which is all that's necessary to keep doormats from

detonating. "You seem so angry," Cora said. "What's really on your mind?" When Angie admitted she felt overworked, Cora realized she'd been taking the young woman's quiet diligence for granted. Together they came up with ways for Angie to let Cora know her limits. Conflict solved. 3. Deflators When Kimberly told her mother she'd been promoted, the older woman sighed. "Well," she said, "you're going to have to work harder to prove you're worth it." Kimberly's mother is a deflator, a person who sees virtue in pessimism. With one well-placed jab, she can let the air out of any good time, and make a bad time feel even worse. Emo-Do Defense: Deflators almost always have a history of feeling crushed. As such, they're simply upholding tradition. Unlike puppy kickers or exploding doormats, they rarely respond well to discussion, so don't bother. Instead, simply and cheerfully reject their pessimism. To the prediction that she'd have to work harder, Kimberly calmly responded, "No, I won't." Her mother had no choice but to slouch off with her dagger. 4. Secret Keepers Remember Francine, whose husband blew up over ordinary behavior? She later learned that he was having not one but several online affairs. No wonder he freaked when she tried to check his messages; cheaters, addicts, and liars attack people who threaten to stumble onto their misdeeds. This kind of mugging feels crazy and surreal. If you're questioning your sanity after a surprise argument, you may be dealing with a secret keeper. Emo-Do Defense: A secret keeper's mugging leaves you with an icky sense that something's wrong. Don't jump to conclusions, but don't ignore your instincts. (An emo-do master never keeps secrets from herselffor example, by going into denial.) Hold firm to your reality. Ask questions. If more violent attacks ensue, revise your trust levels and watch for more evidence. 5. Cannibals To be happy, each of us must create meaning and joy from the raw material of everyday life. This isn't easy, so some people become cannibals, devouring the positive energy of others. Selma's sister Eve is an example. She made a habit of calling Selma whenever she was miserable, off-loading her misery and draining Selma's joy. Emo-Do Defense: Don't feed cannibals the patient, sorrowful consolation they expect. Selma eventually redefined her responsibilities as a supportive sister and began answering Eve's complaints by saying, "You're so resourcefulI know you can solve that problem!" Eve gagged on this response and went off to hunt tastier snacks. 6. Dementors The woman who publicly shamed Pamela after her speech was the most destructive kind of emotional mugger, the equivalent of a rapist: someone who gets off on causing pain. In Harry Potter's world, such beings are called

dementors. They are endlessly unhappy, addicted to the sense of control they get from violating others. They don't care whom they hurt, as long as they hurt someone. Emo-Do Defense: If someone attacks with no provocation and seems intent on inflicting maximum harm, you may be dealing with a truly disturbed person. First, eat some chocolate (any Harry Potter fan can tell you that). Then distance yourself in any way you can. This wasn't a problem for Pamelashe was easily able to avoid her attackerbut may be daunting if you've got a dementor in the family or at work. If you can't remove yourself from the relationship, at least keep your emotional distance. Don't trust a dementor with your private thoughts. Staying away from dementors allows them to socially self-destructand they always do. Though onlookers may at first be too horror-stricken to come to your rescue, most people are appalled by dementors' behavior. This is why cruel conversationalists ultimately end up friendless, andon a much larger scale why evils like prejudice and discrimination have slowly but surely become less acceptable in almost every human society. After an Assault No matter how well prepared you are, an emotional mugger may still catch you before you can defend yourself. In the short run, you'll feel violated. In the long run, you can use the experience to become a stronger emo-do practitioner. To start, dispense with any lingering nasty energy by recognizing that it probably belongs to the mugger, not you. If the negativity won't dissipate, there are two possibilities: Either you really did provoke the attack, or you're operating under the misconception that you deserved it. Return immediately to basic emodo code: Stop causing suffering for yourself by thinking you deserved victimization; correct any behaviors that might have triggered the mugging; and, finally, forgive yourself for the whole misadventure. The way of emo-do is rigorousand hugely rewarding. The more you follow it, the more muggers will avoid you. Instead of a target, you'll become a walking haven, a place where emotional criminals rarely strikeand if they do, are swiftly rendered harmless. Plan to welcome many of us to walk with you, because that's just the kind of neighborhood where most people want to live.

Paint, Draw, and Feel Like a Kid Again

By Katherine Weissman Oprah.com | From the November 2001 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Katherine Weissman had no idea what to expect when she began taking a watercolor class. What she found was her own piece of sky.
I've been a word person my whole life. At 10 my idea of fun was browsing through Roget's Thesaurus and typing nature poems on my grandmother's pale green Smith-Corona manual. I won spelling bees in grade school. On a high school class trip I talked, embarrassingly, in my sleep: "I want to be a writera good writer." Right now, though, I'm dreaming of cobalt blue and cadmium yellow, and my right index finger is callused where the brush has been. I've just spent five days at a watercolor class in the Berkshire hills of Massachusettsa little like camp, a little like doing finger paints or drugs. It was group ecstasy without an illegal

substance in sight: all 15 of us high on shapes and colors and lines and designs. It was as if my brain, like a train, had suddenly switched tracks. Letting another part of my psyche come out to playthe intuitive, unworried, messy partwas precisely what the teacher, Ann K. Lindsay, had intended. There I was on the first day, facing a rectangle of thick, pristine paper, armed with an unclouded water bottle and fresh paint, my brush poised, my body in fight-or-flight modeand she yelled out: "Remember, think kindergarten! Maybe preschool!" I could only laugh, gulp, and go ahead. Many art classes start with rules and how-tos; Lindsay begins by encouraging her students to trust their instincts and have fun. Interestingly, there is a physiological basis for this approach: The 1960s research of Nobel Prize winning psychobiologist Roger W. Sperry established that the human brain has a dual naturethe verbal, analytical mode, located in the left hemisphere, and the visual, perceptual mode in the right. Applied to art education, this concept implies a mental shift that's liberating, exhilarating, and, especially at first, seriously awkward. The left hemisphererational, survival driven, impatient, hypercriticalis the boss; to gain access to right-brain mode, you have to be cagey. The literary persona that patrols my psyche hadn't exactly put out the welcome mat for a different way of thinking. ("Fuzzy," it muttered. "No standards.") Painting was my way of sneaking into the right brain through a side door. Technical perfection and aesthetic judgments were not what this course was about. Whatever awful daubs I produced, nobody would call me a washout. Notice how I slam myself in that last sentence. Saying that something is bad ("awful daubs") is the left brain's way of protecting and defending us, according to Lindsaybut, like an overprotective parent, it can be inhibiting. She urged us to stop calling ourselves names. She urged us to splash and spatter, literally to color outside the lines. "How much paint should I start with?" I asked as we began. "A lot!" said Lindsay. "First one to use up a whole tube gets a prize! And if you like something your neighbor is doing, try it. None of this 'no copying' stuff." She is the grade-school teacher we all should have had. First we just wallowed in color, doing free-form paintings that used only two of the three primaries (red, blue, yellow) at a time, experimenting with wet paper (the paint blossoms and/or runs) and dry (more control). I found myself weirdly averse to red and yellow, crazy about red and blue, fond of swooping, rounded forms. I also found myself in a kind of ecstasy. This is not to say that all fear and judgment instantly fled. Years of museumgoing and exposure to unnaturally perfect computer-generated graphics have made our artistic expectations cruelly high. But watercolor is forgiving, a medium of drips and bleeds and happy accidents; it is also blessedly low-tech. "Let yourselves be little kids here," Lindsay said. "You'll grow in your own way."

The left brain, Lindsay reminded us, is not some evil dictator; we need both modes to function fully and well. So after the initial play period, she brought orderly, analytic elements back into the process ("But no right or wrong, good or bad!") through charts that let us explore the gradations from one color to the next. I'd known forever that blue + yellow = green, but I was unprepared for the infinite and gorgeous variety I could produce with merely three primaries. Mixing colors is power of a deep, soul-satisfying sort. (Maybe the urge to make pictures is equally primal: Think of cave paintings.) Why did this stir me so? Probably because left-brain logic (the charts) was converging with right-brain joy (the colors). The same thing happens when I see a rainbow: I know the event is scientifically explicable, yet it is still magicalan arc of light and color appearing out of nowhere. Something emerging out of nothing might be as close to a definition of creativity as we're going to get. ***** So far the class had remained in the sphere of the private self: Our pictures, in the best tradition of abstract expressionism, were pure invention. In the next phase we confronted an objecta piece of fruit, a flowerand reached the scary and electric point at which, as Lindsay put it, "outer and inner worlds come together." I stared at my pear, sitting innocently on the table, and felt sick at the prospect of tryingand failingto reproduce it. I had to remind myself that this class wasn't about being gifted or trained; it was about honestypainting from the inside out. Don't get hung up on details, Lindsay told us; squint at those pears so that you see the underlying form, where it's light and where it's dark. My first effort was a conventional brownish yellow; with each succeeding attempt (four in all), I got more daring. The last, knocked out in a speedy 15 minutes, was an audacious yellow-orange, botanically incorrect but full of gusto. Even more interesting was an exercise called blind contour drawing: For five minutes we gazed at an objectI did a stalk of foxgloveand drew without looking at what we were doing. Once I got past the urge to peek, the need to rush, and the fear that the drawing would be a big mess (these messages courtesy of the left side of the brainthanks a lot!), the process was mesmerizing and meditative, truly an altered state. And my sketch, while not a faithful rendition of the foxglove, was strangely beautiful and pure. It got the essence of the flower. The more I drew and painted, the more I felt this stillness, this out-of-timeness. Other people faded and so did noisesit was just me, the paper, the moving pencil, the ever mutating colors. It's odd that such a mental state is described as a "trance" or "reverie." It was more like the awakening of a part of me that

had been dozing for years. You know the line from "Amazing Grace""Was blind, but now I see?" That's how I felt as the days went by. I looked at things around me not only with greater attention but also with a sense of being able to reflect and refract the natural world through my own lens. In my mind I painted and repainted everything from a pinecone to a cloud. By the next-to-last day, I was aching to take my art outside. It had rained in the morning, but now the sky was hot and blue, the hills were greenor rather, greens, a million of themand the lake brimmed with bright ripples and mirrored trees. Our class sat (damply) on the grass, laid out our things, and squinted at the horizon. Then it struck me: Beyond a few ideas about doing a sky, Lindsay hadn't demonstrated anything about landscapes. This was the Outward Bound of painting. We were on our own. It was surprising how little I panicked, how quickly I became absorbed. A friendly, slobbering dog joined me for a while, adding serendipitous water spots. And then I stopped and looked at my picture. I hated it. Now what? "Process, not product" is a creativity clich that can be blamed for a lot of macram plant holders and bad pottery, but it is also a great truth. Lindsay: "You think a painting is awful when it's simply not finished yet. You're in the middle. You have to go through the dark wood, the mucky place, to get somewhereyou have to keep going back to intuition." When I showed Lindsay the landscape, trying my hardest not to be negative, she asked what I thought it needed. "It's bland," I said. "More definition?" she said, and, yes, I could see that the trees on the near side of the lake could be delineated more sharply. But I also saw that my sky was good and my greens were deep, and I realized that I was happy wandering in the dark wood. I wasn't lost; I was found. I stopped hating the picture and went to work.

Creativity Boost: How to Tap into Right-Brain Thinking

Oprah.com | From the November 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

We've all heard that we need to tap into our creative right brains. But how? Martha Beck offers a few fruitful ways to branch out.
This morning I sat down to write about how we can all learn to better use the right hemispheres of our brains. For 30 minutes, I tapped restlessly at a laptop. Nothing much happened, idea-wise. Flat beer. Finally I resorted to a strategy I call the Kitchen Sink. I read bits of eight books: four accounts of brain research, one novel about India, one study of bat behavior, one biography of Theodore Roosevelt, and one memoir of motherhood. Next I drove to my favorite Rollerblading location, listening en route to a stand-up comic, a mystery novel, and an Eckhart Tolle lecture. I yanked on my Rollerblades and skated around, squinting slack-jawed into the middle distance. After a while, a tiny lightbulb went on. "Well," I thought, "I could write about this." Duh.

The Kitchen Sink, you see, is one way to activate your brain's creative right hemisphere. Every writer I've ever met uses some version of it, as do Web designers, cartoonists, TV producersall "content creators" who regularly face the terrifying thought, "Well, I've gotta come up with something." If you're not a content creator, wait a while. The 21st century is to content creators what the Industrial Revolution was to factory workers: In a world where information is superabundant, unique and creative ideas are hot-ticket advantages both personally and professionally. More and more people are finding more and more ways to parent, make money, find friends, and generally live well by relying on creativity. I've seen this shift among my life-coaching clients. For instance: Michaela develops financial-planning strategies for stayat-home moms. Mary runs a long-distance mother's support group via Skype. Alyssa's innovative T-shirt designs keep selling, recession or no recession. The demand for creative thinking is both a challenge and an opportunity. It requires us to use more than the logical left-brain skills we learned in school. These days, we all need to get back into our right minds.

When Right Was Wrong

Historically, most brain science came from studying people whose brains had been damaged. Depending on the injury's location, these patients had varying disabilities: If you lost one brain section, you might be unable to do long division; wipe out another patch, and your lace-tatting days were over. The famous Phineas Gage had an iron rod rammed all the way through his head, permanently losing the ability to be nice. One can hardly blame him. People with left-hemisphere brain injuries may have trouble thinking analytically or making rational decisions. Many with damage to the right hemisphere, on the other hand, can still pass their SATs but become unable to connect parts into a meaningful whole. Oliver Sacks wrote about such a patient in The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat. This gentleman saw perfectly but could identify what he saw only by guessing. If you showed him a rose, he might say, "Well, it's red on top, green and prickly below, and it smells nice.... Is it a flower?" One day, while looking for a hat to put on, he reached for his wife instead, perhaps thinking: "It's familiar, and it goes with me everywhere.... Is it my hat?" I'm sure this was awful for his poor wife, though it could have been worse ("Well, it's the size of a small house and it needs cleaning...Is it my garage?"). But still.

For most of Western history the right side of the brain was short-shrifted by neurologists intent on helping people think "rationally." Only in recent years have experts begun to laud the creative, holistic right hemisphere. Interestingly, left-hemisphere strokes appear to be more common than right-hemisphere strokes. Perhaps we're overusing our left hemispheres to the point of blowout. Or perhaps illness is trying to nudge us back to the mysteries and gifts of the right brain. Fortunately, we now know we can effect this change deliberately, without having to survive neurological disaster.

In his fascinating book The Talent Code, Daniel Coyle describes how the brain reacts when a person develops a new skill. Performing an action involves firing an electrical signal through a neural pathway; each time this happens, it thickens the myelin sheath that surrounds nerve fibers like the rubber coating on electrical wires. The thicker the myelin sheath around a neural pathway, the more easily and effectively we use it. Heavily myelinated pathways equal mad skills. Throughout your education, you myelinated the left-brain pathways for thinking logically. You were prepared for predictability and order, not today's constant flood of innovation and change. Now you need to build up myelin sheaths around new skill circuits, located in your right hemisphere. To do this, you need something Coyle calls deep practice. Deep practice is the same no matter what the skill. First visualize an ability you'd like to acquireswimming like Dara Torres, painting like Grandma Moses, handling iron rods like Uncle Phineas. Then try to replicate that behavior. Initially, you'll fail. That's good; failure is an essential element of deep practice. Next, analyze your errors, noting exactly where your performance didn't match your ideal. Now try again. You'll still probably fail (remember, that's a good thing), but in Samuel Beckett's words, you'll "fail better." Examples of people engaged in deep practice are everywhere. Think of American Idol contestants improving their singing, or Tiger Woods perfecting his golf swing. I once saw a television interviewer present Toni Morrison with the original manuscript of one of her masterpieces. Morrison became slightly distracted, running critical eyes across the page, wanting to make changes. She clearly can't stop deep practicing. That's why she won the Nobel Prize.

How to Wake Up Your Right Mind

Deep practice is hard. It makes your brain feel like a piece of raw hamburger. It's also weirdly rewarding, dropping you into rapt concentration, yielding quick improvement, and (if you're lucky) producing good work. Here are some tricks you can deep practice to buff up your right hemisphere. 1. Sign your name every which way. My favorite teacher and artist, Will Reimann, was brilliant at getting his students to use the right side of their brains. There were many squinty eyes in Reimann's studio, much neural myelination. Here's one of his exercises: Sign your name. Done? Okay, now things get gnarly. Sign again, but this time, do it in mirror writing right to left, rather than left to right (just moving your hand backward fires the right brain hemisphere). Got that? Now sign upside down. Then backward and upside down. Repeat this until you can sign in all directions. Good luck. 2. Have a bilateral conversation. For this exercise, take a pencil in your right

hand (even if you're left-handed) and write the question: "How's it going?" Then switch to your left hand, and write whatever pops up. Your nondominant hand's writing will be shakythat's okay. The important thing isn't tidiness; it's noticing that your twin hemispheres have different personalities. The right side of the brain, which controls the left hand, will say things you don't know that you know. It specializes in assessing your physical and mental feelings, and it often offers solutions. "Take a nap," your right hemisphere might say, or "Just do what feels right; we'll be fine." You'll find there's a little Zen master in that left hand of yours (not surprisingly, left-handed people are disproportionately represented in creative professions). 3. Learn new moves. You need your right hemisphere to move in an unfamiliar way, whether you're learning a complicated dance step or holding a new yoga posture. Or cutting your own hair (actually, don'tI speak from experience). Try this: Walk a few steps, noticing how your arms swing opposite your legs. Now walk with your right arm and right foot going forward simultaneously, then the left hand and left foot. Is this difficult? No? Then do it backward, with your eyes closedany variation that's initially hard but ultimately learnable. You'll master a new skill, sure; more important, you'll build your overall right-brain facility. 4. Toss in the kitchen sink. Time to push your newly awakened right hemisphere into useful service. Think of a problem that's had you stumped for a while: Your preschooler won't nap, you can't make yourself exercise, you need to cut expenses without sacrificing quality of life. With this challenge in your mind, read a few paragraphs in several totally unrelated books. Then relax. Play with your cat, wash the dishes, watch the neighbors through binoculars. Think of the problem periodically, then drop it again. This process encourages eureka epiphanies, like those moments in TV dramas where the brilliant doctor or sleuth gets the "ping" of insight that solves the case. Your first few ideas may not be perfectmany will be awfulbut there are more where they came from. Once you begin encouraging the right brain to churn out solutions, it will do so more and more abundantly. For example, Laura wanted to travel but hated kenneling her yellow Lab, Buster. She also had partial hearing loss due to meningitis. One day when she had trouble hearing a flight attendantping!she realized she could train Buster as a hearing service dog. Now they fly the skies in style together. Dieting made Betsy feel grumpy, bored, and isolated. She and her friend Janet began e-mailing each other for support, thenping!decided to create a blog (bitchyourselfthin.com) where dieters could gather to share food fantasies and grumpy harangues. Now Betsy has her ideal body and an Internet community. Brenda was unnerved by an ex-boyfriend's increasingly paranoid, angry phone messages. Then she realizedping!that his very paranoia could shut him down. She had three private detectives ask him about his phone messages; he

became convinced she was having him followed, and he disappeared. All of these women puzzled about a difficult situation, tried many solutions that didn't work, let the problem go, and got a brilliant response from their own creativity. They couldn't force that to happen, but they made it highly likely with Kitchen Sink thinking. Turning on your right brain is a skill, one that grows steadily stronger the more you work at it. Trigger the sensation of deep practice by mastering any unfamiliar task, feed challenges and stray information into your right brain's database, and see new ideas begin to emerge. As they do, you'll move more confidently and productively through an increasingly complex world. When I see you out Rollerblading, eyes locked in a vacant yet squinty stare, I'll know you're getting the hang of it.

Why You Need More Fun in Your Life

By Martha Beck OWN TV | May 15, 2002

Why do some of us put off the most creative, fantastic, moodenhancing thing in our lives? Martha Beck makes the case for having a really good time.
I am dead serious about fun. As a life coach I an determined to help all my clients have as much fun as they possibly can. I'm often surprised by how vehemently some of them reject this idea. They see fun as trivial, unworthy, disreputable. Maybe they'll have fun someday, they tell me, but not until they've made a huge fortune or a scientific breakthrough or an artistic masterpiece. What they don't realize is that people who achieve such things are the ones who have fun doing them. Having fun is not a diversion from a successful life; it is the pathway to it. Each of us is born with a propensity to have fun doing certain types of

activities, in certain proportionsyou may love doing something I hate and vice versa. I call the pattern of activities you most enjoy your "funprint," and like your thumbprint it's unique. It seems obvious to me (and research backs me up) that we are most productive, persistent, creative, and flexible when we're engaged in precisely the combination of activities that brings us maximum fun. Your funprint isn't a frivolous indulgence. It is the map of your true life, an instruction manual for your essential purpose, written in the language of joy. Learning to read and respond to it is one of the most crucial things you'll ever do. My views on fun rely on a rather narrow definition of the word. Fun is sometimes used to describe both the best and worst of human behavior. Bullies may torment others for "fun"; addicts may have "fun" that destroys their health and relationships. I'm using quotation marks because these forms of fun aren't really fun. They're faux fun, and they lead straight to misery. It isn't difficult to tell faux and real fun apart once you've learned to recognize the manic giddiness of the former and the nourishing pleasure of the latter. If you're not clear which is which, the following factors can help you spot a fake: 1. Faux fun helps you ignore problems; real fun helps you face them. In high school I had a group of talented friends who defined fun as playing fantasy games and smoking pot. The more stress they felt at school, the more they pursued "fun" that helped them ignore their anxiety and its underlying causes. Another group of friends tackled school stress by scheduling study sessions during which everyone would work in silence for periods of half an hour, with breaks in between spent talking and joking. The companionship of these friends may not sound very hip, but I found it more fun than the thinly veiled distress of my pothead buddies.

2. Faux fun gets boring; real fun never does. Real sources of fun are what psychologists call renewable pleasures, enjoyable no matter how many times you do them. For example, if you're getting just enough food, eating will be fun for you at every meal. But if you're devouring more than your body needs, you'll need more and more exotic treats to make food interesting (I indulge in this form of faux fun every December, without fail). If you have a voracious need for more and more expensive toys, prestigious awards, kinky sex, and so on, the root of your craving probably isn't the sparkle of real fun, but an inner void. 3. If you're having real fun, you'll never regret it. Guzzling a gallon of tequila may be fun for a while, but eventually, it's going to make you feel like hell. The same is true of all faux-fun pursuits: You can identify them by their wretched aftermath. The discomforts of alcohol abuse are obvious, but all faux fun creates a hangover. Have you ever had a conversation that seemed enjoyable but left you feeling wary or uneasy? Your instincts are telling you that at least part of the fun was false. I've experienced this after interactions where either I or some other person was dishonest, mean-spirited, or passive. Often I didn't see the problem until a disturbance in the Fun Force prompted me to identify and change my behavior. 4. Real fun makes everyone feel better; faux fun makes everyone feel worse. I recently read an interview with a radio shock jock who spends virtually all his on-air time humiliating people. This man is constantly smiling and laughing, as are his guests, though many of them later seem traumatized (one committed suicide after appearing on the show). At one point the reporter asked the shock jock how he was feeling at the moment. "I'm sad," he answered with admirable candor. "I'm always sad." Apparently,

this man isn't really "making fun" at all. He's making sadness, not only for the people he mocks but for himself. We can't do deliberate harm without damaging our own psyches, especially if we're dysfunctional enough to call it fun. Whenever my clients realize that they're wasting time on faux fun, they always make the same mistake: They try to replace their bad habits with some strenuously virtuous activity, such as exercise, housecleaning, or office overtime. This does not work. The only thing that can successfully replace faux fun is real fun.

If you have no idea what you like doingif you've never had fun in your life and don't know how to figure out what you enjoyget help. Total funlessness is as serious as a heart attack and deserves the same kind of respect. Get a medical checkup; the problem may be exhaustion, illness, or chemical imbalance, in which case you need treatment. If you don't, you might have unhealed emotional wounds, such as a trauma or loss you've never processed. A therapist can make worlds of difference, and you should consult one. For less severe cases, these techniques can reconnect you with your sense of fun: Technique 1: Fishing for smiles. Sit down with a notebook and list things you enjoyanything from picking your teeth to touring Nepal. As you write down each item, seriously consider doing that very thing later today or this week or this year. You'll have different emotional reactions to each idea. We're looking for one in particular, something I call the Spontaneous Smile. This is a smile that bubbles up almost irrepressibly, like a beach ball popping out of water. You don't feel that you're smiling so much as being smiled. Your whole body may relax. I've seen this happen to peopleand felt it happen to mewhile contemplating very small pleasures, say, tickling a cat, or very large ones, such as getting married. I've learned to trust this response as a powerful clue from the true self, a signal that one's innate sense of fun

has been awakened and is pointing the way to a joyful, meaningful life. Technique 2: Childhood revisited. Genetic research suggests that our fun preferences are largely inborn and remain consistent throughout life. The time when we're free to act on them is usually childhood, so that's another great place to look for your funprint. In your trusty notebook, begin listing things you remember enjoying as a child. Pay particular attention to things that made you "lose time," so that hours seemed to disappear in seconds. What absorbed you that completely? Telling stories? Climbing trees? Playing dress-up? You may want to ask family members, whose recollections can jog your memory. Next, look for patterns in this childhood fun. Did you like playing alone or with others? Inside or outside? Calmly or roughly? With words, objects, or actions? Almost certainly those preferences still exist in you, even after all your years in prep school or prison or wherever. No socialization is so complete that it can override the funprint buried in our genes. Choosing careers, avocations, and personal activities that fit this code will make you happier and more purposeful across the board. Technique 3: Real-time research. This technique requires that you keep a cursory "fun journal" on a calendar. Every day jot down a brief list of your major activities. Give each experience a fun "score," with zero meaning no fun and ten meaning funtabulous. As the days go by, you'll begin to see which activities and people yield the most funand you'll be surprised. My clients almost always find that the activities they think will be supremely fun (eating dinner at the Ritz) consistently rank lower than things they've been taking for granted (eating Ritz crackers for dinner). Almost all of us can have wonderful fun without nearly as much money, education, beauty, and power as we think we need.

These methods are just training wheels designed to get you to the real goal of continuously feeling and responding to your sense of fun. Once you've learned to do that, it's time to align your actual behavior with your funprint. This is as far from trivial and self-indulgent as you can get. It may be the biggest, bravest thing you'll ever do. For example, when my friend Gloria gave up the faux fun of chainsmoking, she discovered that her perpetual nicotine high had masked a profound lack of joy in her perfect-looking life. Her funless marriage couldn't stand the strain, and overnight Gloria went from country club socialite to starving studentsingle mother. She enrolled in college; she'd call me every so often to say, "I have no money, no social life, no time to do anything but study. I've never had so much fun in my life!" Today, six years later, Gloria is taking the board exams to become an MD. Her funprint led her right through med school, and she is following it onward, planning to do volunteer pediatrics in the Third World. This isn't the sort of life that pops into our minds when we hear the phrase "Girls just wanna have fun," but I think maybe it should. Although most people don't stray as far from their purpose as Gloria did, we all tend to take unexpected and interesting turns when we do what thrills us most. I don't know where your funprint might take you should you decide to find and follow it, but I am pretty sure that along the way you'll be challenged, scared, stretched to your limits, and gratified almost beyond belief. You'll probably make this world a much, much better place. But we'll never know unless you try.

Getting In Touch With Your Inner Spiffer

By Martha Beck Oprah.com | From the September 2007 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Judy and I had just spent five hours spiffing up her townhouse so that her realestate agent could show it to a potential buyer, and now Judy was crying about it. "What's wrong?" I asked. "This place looks fabulous!" It really did. What was supposed to be a normal dust-and-straighten routine turned into a manic redecorating sprint. We began by organizing and filing papers that, to my best recollection, had been on Judy's desk since the Reagan administration. Getting them out of sight shattered our unspoken assumption that we were only tidying and triggered a frenzy of home improvement. We Goodwilled itemssnowshoes, an accordion, a unicycleto which Judy had clung for years, just in case she started channeling Zelda Fitzgerald and ended up using them. The newly spacious rooms begged for color, so we visited the neighborhood florist for luscious tulip bouquets and then purchased paint to match the flowers. Two accent walls, ten picture-hangings, and an hour of furniture-arranging later, Judy's home was dazzling. Hence, the tears. "I'm selling this place because I wanted to live somewhere more beautiful and inspiring," Judy quavered, "but now this is it! This is my dream houseand someone else gets it!" Weakened by paint fumes, she began to cry even harder. "There, there," I said, patting her arm. "Maybe no one will make an offer." But as I surveyed the newly gorgeous house, I knew that someone would.

Judy isn't the first person to create her perfect home just in time to sell it. Something about staging a space for saleit could be simple avarice, or that we can't motivate ourselves without a goalmakes us capable of decorating much more effectively for prospective buyers than for ourselves. It's like dressing your child for a school recital: You adore your beloved no matter how unkempt the kid is but do everything you can to make her look her best when someone else is about to inspect her. Watching Judy weep, I wondered how homeowners could tap sellers' instincts while living in a place rather than when leaving it. Using a highly unscientific survey of friends, acquaintances, real-estate agents and the occasional bewildered stranger, I investigated the reasons we don't decorate for self the way we decorate for sale and came up with ideas you can use to instigate your own "sales spiff-up"long before you plan to sell your home. Reasons We Don't Spiff Up for Ourselves

Chez Moi, C'est Moi. We think of our homes as extensions of ourselves and tend to value ourselves less than we would a potential buyer. For example, you may fail to indulge yourself with the touches of comfort (fresh flowers, extra pillows) you'd provide for a guest, or you might tolerate more clutter than you'd impose on a visitor. Any neurosis we have about our own value, or lack thereof, affects our homes. Unless we're willing to lavish good things on ourselves, we leave them out of the spaces we inhabit.

The Parent Trap We often unthinkingly reproduce the spaces where we grew up and create homes just like mom and dad's. I know a self-made millionaire who resisted buying a dryer for what seemed an absurd length of time. When she finally got one, her blue-collar parents immediately voiced their disdain. "Well," sniffed her mother, "I guess you think you're all high-society now." No wonder my friend still doesn't have cable.

Object Limbo The busier we are, the more our possessions tend to be in limboout in the open and ready for action. Objects left in place "until I get to them" can become permanent fixtures: the stack of catalogs here, the stepladder there, the exercise equipment in between. If something sits in your space for more than a day, it deserves a place of its own.

Blind Spots Because we already see them complete in our mind's eye, we become blind to unfinished areas in our home that we intend to fix someday. Only when we imagine what those spots will look like to a buyer do we notice what isn't there now.

Sales Spiff Your Home for Yourself Once we're aware of the different mind-sets of decorating-for-self versus decorating-for-sale, perhaps we can switch on the "seller" mentality before we're ready to part with a space. For each of the points above, here's a corresponding action you can take today.

Decorate for Someone You Respect. It would be terrific if we overcame all our neuroses and began to esteem ourselves as much as we do random home buyers, but in many cases (no offense) that's just not realistic. Instead, imagine that one of your heroes is about to move in to your space. It could be anyoneNelson Mandela, the Buddha, Cher, or all threeas long as the person would inspire you to create a welcoming, gratifying space. Today, walk through your home and notice what you would change if your hero moved in. Then make those changes.

Shock the 'Rents. If your parents unfairly dominate your personal style, then, as soon as possible, introduce decorative statements into your home that would astonish or appall them. If buying a dryer would make them think you're hoity-toity, then spring for a towel warmer to go with it. If dad's a preacher, then hang nude figure drawings. If mom's a chic modern artist, then opt for homespun country comfort. Keep finding things you love that your parents hate, and you'll soon create a space that's yours, not theirs.

Send Items from Limbo to Their Own Little Paradise. If an object you use sits in an awkward space for more than a day or two, then it's time to give it a home that allows easy access and a tidy look. Organization stores offer containers that are perfect for unanswered mail, incomplete scrapbooks, half-read books, and greenhouse clippings stolen from neighbors' gardens.

Flip the Image. To get past decorating blind spots, try an old trick used by artists: Bring a mirror into a room, set it up so that it reflects the whole space, and study the reflected image as you would a framed photograph or painting. The reversed image reveals a space unfamiliar to the eye and brain, and problems that are so familiar they're invisible suddenly become eyesores.

Move Without Moving Judy's beautiful townhouse sold the very day we spiffed it up. The search for another home was devastating because nothing seemed half as lovely as the space she'd created. When her real-estate agent called to say she had some bad news, Judy's heart sank even lower. "I'm so sorry," the agent said, "but the buyer's funding fell through. We're right back where we started." Knowing that the agent had just lost a nice fat commissionone she would never receiveJudy feigned dismay. Then she hung up, whooped with joy, and invited me over for a housewarming in her brand-new, same old home.

How to Tap Into Your True Power

By Martha Beck Oprah.com | From the August 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

If you think you have no control over your life, think again. As hemmed in as you may feel, Martha Beck shows you how to break out of that helpless place.
I'm terrified about my daughter's drinking," Mindy told me during our first session, "but I've asked her to get help, and she just yells at me." "My boss can be really unethical," said Denise, another client, "but that's the way things work. If I complain, my job is history." Paula, a third client, is perpetually exhausted: "I know I should take better care of myself," she admitted, "but someone has to be there for my husband and children." You probably hear statements like these all the time. If you're anything like me, you may make plenty of them yourself. They may not sound dangerous, but they are. They're declarations of powerlessness, one of the most psychologically debilitating conditions human beings can experience. If we

believe them, such statements can get us stuck in emotional tar pits ranging from frustration to rage to utter despair. The good news? They're never true. Never. I'm not saying we have power over everything in our livesif that were true, my hair would look so, so differentbut I am saying that there's no circumstance in which we are completely powerless. My clientsMindy, Denise, and Paula are all being challenged to find their power in a disempowering environment. And whatever your circumstance, so are you.

Allow the Power

The most common reason we stumble into the delusion of powerlessness is that we're afraid of what other people would do or say or feel if we were to act as we wanted. Mindy was terrified of her daughter's angry resistance. Denise's fear of being fired overrode her ethics. And Paula anxiously predicted that her family would disintegrate if she focused less care on them and more on herself. All three felt stymied, but actually they were just "allower-less" (say it out loud: it rhymes). They were waiting for other people and the arrival of circumstances to give them explicit permission to do what felt right, and by doing so, they were rendering themselves powerless. I sympathize with my clients' plight, but I wasn't impressed by their claims of powerlessness. I've met too many people who have faced far more daunting circumstances yet refused to be disempowered. For example, my friend and fellow life coach Judy Klipin is a polite little slip of a thing, hardly someone you'd expect to challenge an evil empire. I'd known Judy for months before she told me about a morning years ago when several police officers barged into her bedroom at 5 A.M. They were seeking evidence of antiapartheid activityand it was there. Sitting in plain sight on Judy's nightstand lay a map to the antiapartheid meeting she'd helped organize. Weirdly, the South African police missed this damning document, but they detained Judy anyway, taking her to the infamous headquarters at John Vorster Square, where many activists were held for long periods of time. "Didn't you feel awfully powerless?" I asked Judy when she told me the story. "No," she replied, "though I wasn't thrilled when they encouraged me to picture being raped in prison. But as a white university student, I felt relatively safe. Besides, that's not what was important." What was important, at least to Judy, was resisting an immoral system. For hours, the police tried to break her. They failed. The only person in police headquarters interested in allowing Judy to follow her moral compass was Judy. But that was enough.

"I was quite cheeky with them," she remembered. "When they asked if I supported Nelson Mandela, I said, 'How would I know? I've never been given an opportunity to hear anything the man has to say!'" "Had you always stood up for yourself?" I asked. "Actually, no. I don't know where that behavior came from. I suppose I felt I was protectednot physically, but in a spiritual sense. My parents had always been such strong advocates of equality, as was my childminder, Annie. My first memories are of falling asleep on Annie's back while she sang to me in Setswana. So I'd been raised by three people who were walking testaments that apartheid was insanely wrong. I suppose that gave me permission to stand up for what I believed, no matter what. And because I felt so grounded in that basic sanity, I actually knew that the police were more frightened and powerless than I." This statement defies all reasonone 95-pound teenage girl more powerful than armed agents of a violent racist regime? But to paraphrase Pascal, there is a reason that reason does not know, and Judy had tapped into that. The way we can allow ourselves to do what we need to, no matter what others may say or do, is to choose love and defy fear. This has been said so often that I wouldn't even bother mentioning it, except that most of us still don't do it. Want evidence? Go to YouTube, and watch "Linda Hamilton - What Would You Do?" You'll see an experiment created by a TV news team to test whether ordinary citizens will come to the aid of a needy individual. An actor pretends to faint on a city street while a hidden camera films the scene. In one case, more than 80 people ignore the "injured" actor before someone stops to help. Is the Good Samaritan a wealthy philanthropist? A priest? A doctor? Nope. It's a homeless woman with a gimpy leg. On the video, shot in Newark, New Jersey, you can practically see this "powerless" person connecting with innate compassion, deciding to act, and refusing to give up even when dozens of people ignore her requests to call 911 on their cell phones. She gets creative, calling the unconscious man Billy, humanizing him for others. Eventually, she persuades people to offer assistance. Her name is Linda Hamilton, and she is powerful. Compare Linda to Mindy, who almost gave up on her belligerent alcoholic daughternot out of love but because she feared her daughter's anger. Denise said she loved her job, but she had become a lawyer to avoid looking like a "nobody" and supported her unethical boss due to the same fear. The fears that drove Paula's "loving" acts for her family stemmed from fear of being an imperfect homemaker. If you need to distinguish between acts of fear and the power of love, here's a quick guide: FEAR Always feels bad Motivates grasping

Seizes control Insists on certainty Needs everything LOVE Always feels good Motivates liberation Relaxes control Accepts uncertainty Needs nothing The process of spotting fear and refusing to obey it is the source of all true empowerment. Judy did this by choosing beliefs her government called wrong. Linda did it by choosing behavior most passersby saw as foolishly virtuous. Both were bucking social trends, both refused to be scared out of love, and both ultimately prevailed. That's power.

The Radical Power of Pure Love

This seems a fitting day for me to be writing about powerlessness. It's my son Adam's 21st birthday. His best friends are here, joyously celebrating legal adulthoodexcept that none of them will ever quite be a legal adult. They were all born with serious birth defects. Each of their mothers took vitamins, ate right, had good prenatal care. We did everything in our power to have "perfect" babies. We found that our power didn't amount to much. At the other end of the spectrum, my dog had surgery this week. The vet removed various tumors from his chubby old body, and he never really recovered. I spent the past few days sitting with his head on my lap, the only thing that seemed to make him comfortable. When a follow-up examination made it clear that Cookie had nothing in his future except suffering, I signed a form and put my arms around him as the vet added one more ingredient to his IV drip. Cookie set his sweet, soft head on my hand and died as he lived, with no fear and great love. Birthdays and death days. Both remind us how little power we have. Both present us with infinite opportunities to either love or fear. To the extent that we choose love, the puniness of our material power is replaced by a power that comes not from us but through us. Judy and Linda accessed that power against

the tide of social conditioning. Adam and his friends access it every day to live cheerfully with "disempowering" conditions. I felt it coursing through Cookie even as his body powered down, and I felt it in my own decision to let him go. Real power is usually unspectacular, a simple setting aside of fear that allows the free flow of love. But it changes everything. *****

Those who mistake violence for power are often surprised by this. Apartheid's architects didn't think twice about all the black women like Annie who were paid meager wages to "mind" white babies. They didn't realize that these women would do something revolutionary, choosing to see the infants of their oppressors not through the eyes of fear, as future enemies, but through the eyes of love, simply as babies. "For many white South Africans who were raised by black 'mothers,' there was no way on earth that apartheid could seem right to us," Judy told me. These women, and people like Judy, became heroes by insisting that love prevail in South Africa. Linda Hamilton became a hero by doing the same thing on an American sidewalk. And you can become a hero today, by choosing love over fear in any situation whatsoever. Each of my clients eventually made the shift: In Mindy's case, empowerment took the form of staging an intervention for her daughter. Denise used her power to leave her hated job, even in today's scary economy. Paula checked into a hotel for three days of rest, then returned to her family with the determination that her own needs counted as much as anyone else's. Each of them felt the power of compassion flowing through them as they aligned themselves with love. Power comes from actions like these, and the infinite small choices between love and fear. Today, pay close attention: Are you following the gripping energy of fear or the liberating energy of love? My own to-do list includes writing this column, calling clients, answering approximately 4,687,977 e-mails, and preparing a speech. Instead, I allowed myself to choose what my heart dictated. I baked a cake for five "handicapped" young people, and held on to a very old beagle while I let him go. It might not look like much from the outside, but I know power when I feel it.

A Day in the Life of a Creative Renaissance Woman

By Katie Arnold-Ratliff Oprah.com | From the February 2011 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

What it's like to spend a day with (crafting, sewing, sculpting) design virtuoso Anna Rabinowicz.
At the small worktable in Anna Rabinowicz's sunny Manhattan office, smooth slices of agatesome as small as coins, others as big as dinner plates, in swirling shades of sapphire, rust, and olivemingle with wrist-thick hunks of faceted crystal, three knobby yellow gourds, and a dried version of Anna's latest muse. "A neat thing about sea fans," says Anna, 39, who is wearing silver sea-fanshaped earrings, "is how they move." She imitates the meshlike creature's undulations with her hand. "They're at the whim of the current; they get their nutrients from whatever happens to pass through." She lifts the stainless steel colander/fruit bowl she recently designed based on her sea fan research, its sides veined with silver tendrils. If a sea fan mated with a Rolex, this would be the result.

I'm spending today dipping a toe into the ocean of Anna's creative outputand the colander is just one of the creatures in a vast and lively sea. The woman draws, sews, sculpts, and dreams things up as naturally as the rest of us breathe. For her company, RabLabs, she designs coasters, clocks, and picture frames from those pieces of agate, along with handblown-glass napkin rings, amethyst bottle stoppers, and lacquered wooden boxesand at home, her creative juices just keep on flowing. Over eight hours with Anna, I'll discover that her default thought process works like this: That [sea fan, kangaroo, hunk of quartz, sequined fabric] is fascinating. I must learn all about it and then make something! Next comes studying, sketching, model-making, and finally, the finished productwhich might be anything from a letter opener to a medical device to a fetching new cape. When I arrived this morning at Anna's apartment, she told me that a full day lay ahead: We'd go shopping for supplies to create a prototype of a new RabLabs bowl (a mission that would require walking about 40 city blocks), we'd have searching discussions about creativity, and we'd get our hands really dirty. Hey, who ever said innovating was a cakewalk? "I tell my students, 'If it's easy to create, someone has probably already created it,'" says Anna, who teaches product design at Parsons The New School for Design. "Work through the setbacks, and you can make things no one else has." Like the unique items in Anna's home, for example. The light fixture that resembles an upside-down red umbrella. The key ring of plastic doodads she assembled for her 1-year-old, Talia, to teethe on. ("Her body is telling her to bite. She must bite! So I give her these, to keep her from biting me.") The little cloth squares she sewed for Talia and her 3-year-old brother, Izzy, to sleep withthey're soft and worn, and hand-embroidered with trees and abstract whorls and the babies' initials. "I cut them from my husband's old T-shirts," says Anna, whose husband, Aden Fine, is a lawyer for the ACLU. Even Anna's home is an Anna original: Three years ago, she and Aden bought a dim studio in a former sewing factory, then gut-renovated the space into a snug two-bedroom nest, with floor-to-ceiling windows and a kitchen bedecked in vintage red tiles. Anna's mother, Lisa, arrives to take Talia to baby dance class just as Anna is describing her collaborations with New York's Hospital for Special Surgery. "My dad made surgical instruments," says Anna, who has helped create an artificial knee and an assistive device for people recovering from elbow surgery. "He was a pediatric ophthalmologist and surgeon. He taught me how to sew and solder." "She has her father's hand-eye coordination," Lisa chimes in. "And such finemotor control." "Thank you," Anna says, looking moved. She pulls out her sewing kit from the 1890sher father, who died in 2001, bought it at an antiques market. "Look at

all these crazy needles," she says. There are thick needles, teeny needles, needles that look like fish hooks. "I sew by hand," she tells me, "so the project will be imbued with my love."

What it's like to spend a day with (crafting, sewing, sculpting) design virtuoso Anna Rabinowicz.
After Lisa and Talia depart, Anna and I go on a coffee run. I ask her about Stanford's Joint Program in Designwhere she was the third-ever person to graduate with both an MFA in design and an MS in engineering. For her thesis, she traveled to Australia, enticed kangaroos to bounce on treadmills while she tracked their motion using high-speed video, and created chairs that mimic their movements. "A kangaroo uses its tail like a third leg, leaning on it to push off for the next hop," Anna explains. When you sit in her kangaroo chair, it reclines on its curved tail and gently bounces forwardlike a movie theater seat only much more fun. While I'm still processing the concept of marsupial furniture, Anna is already onto the business at hand: buying materials for the RabLabs bowl prototype. She's envisioning a ceramic vessel encrusted with crystal-like formationssort of an inside-out geode. She'll make the mock-up with real crystal, using clay to affix the stones to a steel mixing bowl, then create a mold of the whole piece, which she'll use to cast the ceramic version. Beneath her desk, wrapped in Portuguese newspaper, is 50 pounds of Brazilian crystal waiting for its shot at glory. To find the right steel bowl, we visit a baking shop. The place is packed ceilinghigh with little objects that light up all kinds of circuits in Anna's mind: shiny pastry tips ("These could be molds for crystal-covered salt and pepper shakers"), cardboard cake bases laminated in gold paper ("We'll use this as a work surfacethe gold feels auspicious"), and an accordion squeeze bottle ("I don't know why, but I need this"). On the way out, Anna marvels at pouches of red, brown, and yellow goopastry filling, it turns outand decides it's lunchtime. As she eats her chicken-chermoula sandwich, bought from a food truck on Fifth Avenue, Anna says, "There's this book called I Stink!" "I stink?" "It's about a garbage truck that adores gross stuff," she says, "like dog poop and fish heads. Izzy laughed and laughed when my husband read it to him, because it's a bit mischievous. Kids have to follow so many rules, but a book like I Stink! lets them be vicariously rascally without breaking the rules. Designing is like that. The rule is that the object has to perform its function. But within that rule, you can do anythingthe object can be witty or silly or weird." We nod, considering this.

"You stink," I say. Anna smiles. "I stink!" After lunch, we head downtown to buy clay from the art supply storethough Anna beelines for the gift wrap and letterpress stationery ("This is paper geek heaven!"). In the pen aisle, she laments that her favorite model, the Pilot Razor Point II, has been unavailable for the past year. In its place she's been using pens her Korean students brought her from their visits home. She puts a squat, gray felt-tip to a sheet of paper, moving her arm as decisively as a symphony conductor. "That's what's called an emotive line," she says. In the way a jagged line might suggest turmoil and a squiggle could evoke confusion, Anna's ascending swoop reads joie de vivre. Then she draws a guy with big curly hair. Back at the office, she puts on Hall & Oates's "Kiss on My List" and lays out the gold work surface, the gray clay, and translucent columns of crystal in sizes ranging from raspberry to cucumber. We begin cocooning the bowl with clay for the crystals to smoosh into, as I explain that I'm much too impatient to be good at making things. "I'm always rushing to finish," I tell her. "I don't have it in me to keep refining until it's perfect." Looking at the prototype, it seems I've proven myself right: One side is stunning, and the other side is mine. Anna has anchored two eight-inch columns of quartz in the clay surrounding the bowl and is now accentuating them with smaller satellite crystals. She's edging the place where the clay meets the rock into a kind of cuticle to the crystal's nail. If you squint, you can envision the final product: an improbable, precious thing, plucked from the Earth and yet made by a human hand. Anna turns the cardboard and considers my work. She adds more cuticles, tweaks the angles of the crystals, and carves where I've over-clayed. But for all her refining, what I've contributedmy inter-crystal spacing, rim-smoothing, and reinforced clay baseremains. It's just been gently Anna-fied. "This is really interesting work!" she says, seeming to sense my hunger for praise. Anna likes to say that a designer must understand human need: Check. A designer must also find creative potential in what's around her, and Anna doesin bouncing kangaroos and ratty T-shirts and charmless studio apartments. Think of her as a human sea fan, open to the myriad unknown things riding the current, which she uses to make the world a little more fascinating, and a little more Anna, than it would otherwise be.

Know When to Fold 'Em

Oprah.com | From the January 2008 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Want to be one of life's winners? Stop trying! You'll be a lot healthier, maybe wealthier, and altogether happier if you learn the glory in giving up.
I call my friend Betsy "Best-y" for two reasons: first, because she's one of the best-beloved people in my life, and second, because anything she tries, she does better than anyone else in the world. The one thing that occasionally ruffles our mutual affection is that we're both rather competitive, in the sense that if you wondered aloud which of us could most quickly remove her own gall

bladder with kitchen implements, Besty and I would be fighting for steak knives before the words left your mouth. That doesn't bother me, though, because I'm less competitive than Besty. If someone were to rank us on noncompetitiveness, I would definitely win. Anyway, one Januaryresolution time, goal time, gotta-shed-holiday-weight timeBesty and I joined some pals at a spa, planning to refocus, get in shape, prove that when the going gets tough, the tough get going. Instead, that week taught me to honor W.C. Fields's profound statement "If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it." The thing is, science supports this. Contrary to conventional wisdom, the ability to quit easily makes us healthierand wealthierthan does leechlike tenacity.

Quitters Win and Winners Quit

After settling in at the spa, Besty and I considered the activities being offered the following day. "Oh, look!" said Besty. "There's a morning hike at 5 a.m.!" "Great!" I said, trying not to show horror. If Besty could haul herself out of bed and frolic athletically in the middle of the night, then, dammit, so could I. "We'll be back in time for water aerobics," said Besty. "And after that, weight training and then kickboxing. This'll be so fun!" "Fun!" I echoed. Then I heard my own voice, like a train with no brakes, saying, "How about Pilates and Jazzercise after that?" "Cool!" said Besty. "I'm in!" Dammit! The next day was a blur of sweaty, exhausting, recondite competition. Besty walked faster than I did on the hike, because I'm not a morning person. Then I edged her out in weight training. Kickboxing was a drawher kicks were higher, but she's tall, which must be considered. Besty got more praise from the Pilates coach, but I got more in Jazzercise. After seven straight hours of strenuous exercise, I felt as though my muscles had been taken apart, scoured, then badly reassembled by a team of evil student nurses. Besty still looked fresh. Pert. She looked really pert. "Ready to call it a day?" I asked. "Well..." Besty said. "There's still an advanced yoga class before dinner."

I looked at my schedule. Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! "Shall we?" asked Besty, like a kid on Christmas morning. "Absolutely!" I gagged. "Wouldn't miss it!" That class lasted approximately as long as the Pleistocene epoch. I try never to think of it. Sometimes, though, despite heavy medication, the memory returns unbidden, and I hear again the yoga instructor's comment, "The key to success is persistence. Quitting is failure." My mind reacted to this with numb acquiescenceI'd heard it so often, after all. But my body silently screamed, "Not always!" Turns out my body was right.

Want to be one of life's winners? Stop trying! You'll be a lot healthier, maybe wealthier, and altogether happier if you learn the glory in giving up.
Recently, psychologists Gregory Miller and Carsten Wrosch set out to investigate the mental and physical health of people who resist quitting, and of those who throw in the towel when facing unattainable goals. The second groupthe quitterswere healthier than their persistent peers on almost every variable. They suffered fewer health problems, from digestive trouble to rashes, and showed fewer signs of psychological stress. In another study, which followed a group of teenagers for a year, subjects who quit easily had much lower levels of a protein linked to inflammation than did their more tenacious peers. This made them less likely to develop many debilitating illnesses later in life. The mechanism that helps people quit appropriately, Miller and Wrosch discovered, was not wisdom but dejection. People who are trying in vain eventually get depressed about their ongoing failure, and those who respond to this depression by quitting when it first appears enjoy all kinds of benefits. I didn't think about this scientifically during that yoga classthough I experienced it subjectively when the teacher guided us into a shoulder stand. The pose caused my body to quake violently with exhaustion as my workout shorts fell back around my pelvis and my gaze was forced upward. Gentle reader, you cannot imagine a ghastlier view: The depression evoked by the gelatinous consistency of my thighs beggars description.

I should've quit right then. I would have, if Besty weren't so competitive.

The Quitting Bonus

The fact that I continued with the class exemplifies my approach to life and no doubt explains my digestive troubles, rashes, and inflammatory illnesses. But the implications don't stop there: Not quitting may be at the root of fiscal problems as well as physical ones. That's rightquitters prosper not only physically but financially. Every first-year economics student learns about the "sunk-cost fallacy," though virtually no one remembers it when making spending choices. The sunk-cost fallacy is a universal human error. It refers to our tendency to throw good money after bad, trying to justify our mistakes by devoting more resources to them. For example, a gambler who's lost a small fortune is likely to stay and keep hemorrhaging cash precisely because he's losing. "I'm down $10,000," the thinking goes. "I have to keep playing until I get it backthis rotten luck can't go on forever." This is how human psychology works. It is not how reality works. A gambler is no more likely to win on the 500th roulette spin than on any of the previous 499. But a huge amount of effort goes into attempts at redeeming thingslemon cars, moneypit houses, horrible relationships, warsthat just aren't working. Learning to quit while you're not ahead, when the dull ooze of depression tells you things are not going to get any better, is one of the best financial and life skills you can master. This should have occurred to me well before Besty and I hit that yoga studio. It should have occurred to me several years earlier, when I first realized that she was simply better than I was at everything. But even after a thousand failed attemptsand even though I once actually taught at a business schoolI forged on.

How to Quit
Moving from shoulder stand to triangle pose, I was hit by two things: a back spasm and the realization that though I was ready to quit, I didn't know how. I'd never practiced quitting. I didn't know the right path out of the room, the right

facial expression, the right way to give up. So there I stood, befuddled, trying to touch my right foot with my right hand while bending sideways, when I heard a complicated thumping from the other side of the studio. By rolling my eyes far back into my skull, I saw what had made the sound. Besty had toppled from triangle pose directly into corpse pose. She seemed too tired to speak, but from her feeble movements, she might have been trying to signal somethingperhaps that she wished to be rinsed. But I took my own message from her example. In that moment, I saw with great clarity that (to paraphrase poet Elizabeth Bishop) the art of quitting isn't hard to master. We can always just go limp.

Want to be one of life's winners? Stop trying! You'll be a lot healthier, maybe wealthier, and altogether happier if you learn the glory in giving up.
That's something any toddler intuitively knows. For instance, when my daughter Katie was 3, she said she'd just met "that fat lady next door." I told her that was wonderful, except that it was better to refer to "the fat lady" as Mrs. Ellis. "What if I forget?" Katie asked. "Well, honey, then I'll remind you." Katie thought for a minute and asked, "What if I refuse?" That, frankly, was a stumper. I had no real way to force my daughteror anyone elseto continue doing something she simply refused to do. So, how do you quit doing something when depression, inflammation, and financial disaster loom? If worst comes to worst, just stop. The formalities will take care of themselves. I'm not advocating this, but if you stop showing up at work, they'll fire you. If you refuse to act married, your spouse will eventually drift away or file for divorce. It's far better karma to be up-front and honorable about quitting. I'm just pointing out that you always have the power to quit something at a physical level. In other words: Corpse pose is always an option. This applies to everything, including (stay with me here) the process of quitting itself. If you're trying in vain to quit something you do compulsively, like overspending or smoking or macram, try quitting the effort to quit. As therapists like to say, "What we resist, persists," and this is especially true of bad habits. Imagine trying not to eat one sinfully delicious chocolate truffle. Got it? Okay, now imagine trying to eat 10,000 truffles at one sitting. For most of us, the thought of not-quitting in this enormous wayindulging ourselves beyond desireactually dampens the appetite. It's a counterintuitive method, but if the "I will abstain from..." resolutions you make each year are utter, depressing failures, you might quit quitting and see what happens. When my clients stop unsuccessful efforts to quit, they often experience such a sense of relief and

empowerment that quitting becomes easierit's paradoxical but true. (Try it before you dismiss it.) I didn't know what made Besty hit the floor of the yoga studio. I assumed she'd simply misplaced her center of gravity, due to having lost so much weight in one day. But I was wrong. She'd had enoughand her giving in to the force of gravity had a liberating effect on me. I found myself shuffling toward the door, and as I did, my depression lightened. I'd stumbled across a transformative resolution I'd keep all that year: to quit when I was behind, without shame or self-recrimination. It was a watershed moment in my life and in my friendship with Besty. She was fitter and more determined than I was, and even when it came to quitting, my friend had done the job first, and best. Dammit.

Tricks of the Happiness Trade

By Lauren Gravitz Oprah.com | From the March 2004 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

We've all got little homegrown tricks for cheering ourselves up. O finds out why they actually work.
I've succumbed to full-blown depression just once, and the only good that came of it was learning that I never wanted to experience anything like it again. So I started collecting little mood-boosting tricksnot cure-alls for clinical depression but small, helpful ways to pull myself back from the edge. After polling friends and colleagues, I discovered that many of them had stumbled upon the same techniques, and they gave me a few new ones, too. Science is beginning to explain why they actually work, which means that these days I don't feel completely ridiculous when I'm in my car and someone catches me belting out a Beatles song. Trick #1: "I rent a bunch of stand-up comedy DVDs." The Science: A smile, even a forced one, can improve your mood. In a widely confirmed study, psychologist Fritz Strack, PhD, and his colleagues at the University of Mannheim in Germany had participants view a cartoon while gripping a pen either between their teeth (to simulate a smile) or between puckered lips. The first group found the cartoons funnier, supporting the theory of "facial feedback"the idea that facial expressions can stimulate emotion. A Fairleigh Dickinson University study showed that laughing brightens mood even more than smiling. (Don't like stand-up? Here are 5 movies that will lift your spirits) Trick #2: "I go for a run." The Science: Research has consistently shown that exercise can significantly

impact depression and improve overall mood. A 1999 study published in the Archives of Internal Medicine showed that exercise could be as effective as medication. Scientists aren't exactly sure why it works so well: because it relieves stress, acts as a distraction, stimulates production of neurotransmitters (including endorphinswhich have painkilling properties and can bring feelings of euphoriaas well as serotonin and dopamine), or all of the above. Trick #3: "I try to commit acts of kindness." The Science:: Volunteering at a hospital or shelter, tutoring a budding reader, and even donating clothes to Goodwill facilitate a "helper's high." The benefits of altruism are most apparent when there's person-to-person contact. Allan Luks, author of The Healing Power of Doing Good, has found that simply recalling a charitable act brings back the same, albeit less intense, good mood. Trick #4: "I listen to Madonna, sing loudly, and dance around the living room." The Science: A number of studies suggest that listening to music stimulates the brain to release endorphins. Recent research at the University of Manchester in England showed that listening to loud music activates a part of the inner ear called the saccule, which is connected to an area of the brain responsible for drives like hunger, sex, and pleasure seeking. Tirck #5: "I buy bright red tulips." The Science: A 2001 Rutgers University study on the mood-lifting effect of flowers showed that 72 percent of seniors who received one or two bouquets over a six-month period were happier than they had been. In a separate study, flowers evoked a stronger response than other gifts. Trick #6: "I hang out with friends." The Science:: Numerous studies have documented the benefits of social support, while others have shown that isolation can lead to depression. According to a study at the University of Michigan, even more important than social support is a sense of belonging: Connecting with and confiding in close friends can allay despair. Trick #7: "I snuggle the dog." The Science: Two studies published in 1999 showed that both AIDS patients and senior citizens benefit from having pets; those with animals were less likely to suffer from depression than those without. An earlier study showed that pet owners were also at decreased risk of heart disease. Trick #8: "I make like a catI find a patch of sunlight streaming through the window, curl up, and fall asleep in the warmth." The Science: A common cause of depression is seasonal affective disorder

(SAD), in which lack of sunlight increases the production of melatonin, a hormone that affects sleep patterns and mood. Some therapists believe that even people not affected by SAD can reap the rewards of sunshineone study of depressed pregnant women showed that a daily dose of bright light for three weeks had a beneficial effect. Trick #9: "I change the landscape." The Science: Perhaps it's the calming properties of the ocean or a starry sky, or the way a new setting can take you out of yourself and provide a sense of perspective. Although scientific research is scarce, a good number of people mentioned that a change of scenery, especially one that gets you back to nature, is an instant head clearer.

Choosing Happiness
By Mark Matousek Oprah.com | From the March 2004 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Some of us are born smiling; most of us have to work at it. This may take learning some new techniques and unlearning some old mental habitsbut the joyful news from the frontiers of science and psychology is that mood is malleable and happiness is yours for the choosing.
Being happy, said Collette, is one way of being wise. And yet, in the hundred years since Freud helped erase the prospect of happiness from our Western horizonfamously declaring that the most we could hope for was the transformation of hysterical misery into common unhappinessmany of us have been brainwashed into concluding that happiness is somehow beyond our reach, a naive conjecture, a windmill to tilt toward but truly an impossible dream. It turns out that Freud was wrong. Recent breakthroughs in psychology, neurology, and chemistrysupported by Eastern practices such as meditationhave revealed that happiness is attainable. No longer psychology's doomed neurotics, we know now that the brain can change. Scientists call this discovery neuroplasticity, a revolutionary idea that has helped to promote along with the positive psychology movementa burgeoning science of happiness. Just a decade ago, Daniel Goleman, PhD, writes in Destructive Emotions, when "the dogma in neuroscience was that the brain...was unchanged by life experiences," scientific research focused mainly on negative emotional states. The recent shift in emphasis from "what goes wrong with us...to what goes right"Goleman's wordshas brought happiness to the cultural table at last. We want to know how happiness works. We also want to know how it eludes

us. Why does happiness seem so out of reach sometimes, like grabbing at water, futile, absurd? Given the inalienable, constitutional right to pursue our own happiness, we wonder where we're supposed to pursue it, and what, precisely, we have a right to. When does my happiness become your pain? Is happiness a fate or a choice, and what makes us happy, if we're honest? Finally, in a world with so much upheaval, uncertainty, struggle, and injustice, how can we be deeply happy? What definition of happiness is large enough to contain all that? "It's possible, even in the midst of hardship, to experience simple pleasures"

The Set Point of Happiness

Subjective well-being (SWB) is the nickname experts in this field give to happiness. Since your hell may be my paradise, subjectivity is the single greatest variable in the happiness equation. Homeless people in Calcutta have been found to be less unhappy than those in California (because they have a stronger sense of community), reports Ed Diener, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, while the Amish appear to be rarely bored, though churning butter might not be everybody's idea of a party. Each of us, it seems, is born with a happiness "set point," a genetic levelfrom giddy to grumpyaround which SWB tends to settle, regardless of what happens to us. A now famous study of identical twins reared in different environments suggests that the set point determines about 50 percent of our disposition to happiness. "Happiness is genetically influenced but not genetically fixed," says University of Minnesota professor emeritus of psychology David Lykken, PhD. "The brain's structure can be modified through practice," Lykken says. "If you really want to be happier than your grandparents provided for in your genes, you have to learn the kinds of things you can do, day by day, to bounce your set point up and avoid the things that bounce it down." There are as many SWB-raising tools as there are people in need of a lift. Using a number of tools at once appears to be most effective, according to Diener, who is coeditor of the Journal of Happiness Studies. Such tools can range from commonsensicalgetting sufficient sleep and exercise, nurturing close relationships, maintaining an optimistic outlook, using your best skills in work and playto attitude shifts and inner work that might not spring immediately to mind, says David Myers, PhD, a professor of psychology at Hope College in Michigan. He also recommends keeping a gratitude journal, taking control of your own time, even "acting happy" to raise SWB (since there seems to be a direct link between facial expression and emotion). While such tools seem almost too simple to be true, they are extraordinarily effective, over time, in retraining the mind toward well-being. In writing about SWB, Diener suggests that happy people rely on familiar shortcuts rather than overthink every little situation. (For example, someone

who feels down in rainy weather but gets an emotional boost from the movies would automatically beat her way to the nearest multiplex the next time there's a big storm.) On average, according to a survey out of the National Opinion Research Center, the more friends you have, the happier you are. The practice of forgiveness, University of Michigan psychologist Christopher Peterson, PhD, says, is "a trait strongly linked to happiness." A daily moment of forgiveness, then, might be one way to raise your SWB. Perhaps the most exciting news is that science has compelling evidence that mental practices like meditation promote SWB. At the University of Wisconsin, professor of psychology and psychiatry Richard Davidson found in his research that high levels of activity at the left frontal area of the cerebral cortex coincided with feelings of happiness, enthusiasm, joy, high energy, and alertness; activity on the right frontal area corresponded to feelings of sadness, anxiety, and worry. Meditation appears to be one way of redistributing the balance, sparking more left-brain activity and thus positive emotion. It's hard to find someone in this country who has devoted more time to exploring this relationship between the mind and happiness than Jon Kabat-Zinn, PhD, founder of the Stress Reduction Clinic at the University of Massachusetts Medical School and author of Coming to Our Senses (Hyperion, 2005). "We have a sort of autoimmune diseasechronic stress and discontentcaused by not looking deeply enough into this question of genuine happiness," says Kabat-Zinn, who is a coauthor on one of Richard Davidson's studies. In that study, one group met for a two- to-three-hour mindfulness meditation class each week for eight weeksplus a one-day retreatin addition to being asked to practice 45 minutes a day. Not only did subjects report significantly lowered anxiety levels and negative emotions immediately afterward, but four months later they continued to show a distinctive prefrontal shift in brain activity associated with positive emotions. They also had significantly higher levels of antibodies in response to a flu shot, compared to the control group. "It's possible, even in the midst of hardship, to experience simple pleasures," Kabat-Zinn says. "To know delight, what's right and beautiful with the world. With mental balance, we develop a keel-like ballast that helps us to remain stable even under extreme conditions." "We're better off aiming for happiness moment to moment than trying to engineer happiness through long-term planning"

I Got What I Wanted. Still Not Happy.

Regardless of which particular tools we choose to help lift our own set point, one thing appears to be certain: We're better off aiming for happiness moment to moment than trying to engineer happiness through long-term planning. This is becauseas science now shows ushuman beings are fairly hopeless at predicting what will make us happy or how long that happiness will last. Harvard psychologist Daniel Gilbert, PhD, spends his days exploring the riddle of human self-delusion. He's a pioneer in the field known as affective

forecasting, in which researchers measure the distressing gap between what we believe will make us happy and how wrong we tend to be. "We're such strangers to ourselves," he tells me, "nowhere more than in our pursuit of the holy grail of happiness. We usually overestimate how things will affect us and rarely underestimate them." This discrepancyknown as the impact bias causes a great deal of "miswanting." For example, we scrimp and save for the bigger house, only to find ourselves then more isolated from our neighbors or too exhausted from overwork to enjoy the new swimming pool. What's more, the results of our choices are not nearly as life-changing as we think they'll be. In a 1978 study of SWB among lottery winners and paraplegics, both groups adjusted to their respective circumstances with surprising results: The lottery winners settled back to levels of happiness that did not differ significantly from a control group. The paraplegics, while less happy, were not as unhappy as was expected. In fact, one study revealed that major events, happy or not, lose their impact on happiness levels in less than three months. If we understood how quickly this normalizing process worked, we might invest our hopes in things that could actually help us feel better. Money and Happiness: We Do the Math Experts agree that a lifetime spent chasing the almighty dollar rarely raises SWB. In fact, Myers, who has reviewed many studies on the correlation between income and personal happiness, cites research by Ronald Inglehart, PhD, who found that once middle-class comforts are in place, the link between the two "is surprisingly weak (indeed, virtually negligible)." Gilbert agrees: "The first 40 grand makes a dramatic difference, but after basic needs are met, the next 10 million does almost nothing." (I tell him that I'll be the judge of that.) "The jury's been in for a while," says R. Adam Engle, whose Mind and Life Institute sponsored the recent conference between the Dalai Lama and a group of top scientists at Massachusetts Institute of Technology on the subject of Buddhism and its relation to how the mind works. "We can't hang on to the idea that if we get more stuff we'll be happier." "Working beyond our own limits...not leaving enough for ourselves on the side, we often compromise our own happiness"

What Color Is Your Happiness?

Just as Italians have eight words for for love, we need more colors for happiness. The simple-minded version will not do; life is too complex, we know too much, there's too much pain to be satisfied with a naive idea of what it means to be happyand to be human. To accommodate a larger vision, Martin Seligman, PhD, the godfather of the positive psychology movement, has created a three-zone model of happiness. Beyond the first tier, what he calls the Hollywood view of happiness ("getting as much positive emotion as possible"), a second kind of happiness arises from discovering our "signature strengths," which range (in Seligman's list of 24) from honesty, kindness, and forgiveness to ingenuity and love of learning. Seligman's third zone consists of using your strengths in the service of

something larger than yourself. So it seems that transcending our own needs, now and then, and learning to sacrifice what we want for the greater good could boost our happiness to another level. But volunteering each and every week at your local soup kitchen might not leave you blissed-out if you haven't taken care of your personal issues. (We've all known grim-faced do-gooders who tried to save the world while ignoring their own unhappy selves.) Before attempting to leapfrog our problems, we need to look at the nuts and bolts of everyday lifebeginning with the question of work. In his recent book, The Art of Happiness at Work, coauthored with the Dalai Lama, psychiatrist Howard Cutler, MD, reports three basic approaches to work, whatever the profession. "People tend to see work as a job, a career, or a calling," he tells me from his Phoenix office. In the job approach, work is seen as a means to an end (money), offering no other reward. Career-minded folk have a deeper personal investment in their profession, marking achievements not only through monetary gain but through advancement within their chosen field. Finally, those who view their work as a calling show passionate commitment to "work for its own sake," focusing as much on fulfillmenthuman relationships, how what they do affects the worldas on monetary gain. In 1997 Amy Wrzesniewski, PhD, who is now an assistant professor of management and organizational behavior at New York University's Stern School of Business, coauthored an important study of people in various occupations, from so-called menial to high-level professional. The reported levels of SWB were consistent with the approach each individual took toward his or her work. Those subjects who felt it was a calling had "significantly higher" SWB than those who saw it as a job or a career. This would seem, at first glance, to surgically remove our bitching rights about how we earn a living. Workwhether inside or outside the homecan be a place to express ourselves, a place to practice being happy, or the seventh circle of hell. We can learn to "craft" our jobs into a calling, Wrzesniewski says, by becoming more active participants in the design of our work lives. In a study involving a group of hospital maintenance workers, for instance, she and her colleagues found overwhelming evidence of a disparity among people doing the same job. Those who deemed themselves unskilled and did what was asked of themand no morewere far less happy (and effective) than those who reinvented the job for themselves, went beyond the call of duty, believing that what they were doing however outwardly mundanemattered nevertheless. Naturally, some days a job is just a job and professional discrepancies (income, internecine politics, and so on) cannot be denied, but it does appear that plowing our own field well, instead of comparing ours to the next guy's, makes us happier. "Just look at the Ten Commandments," urges Michael Eigen, a New York psychoanalyst. "To covet is the gateway to pain." Indeed, there is an undeniable link between SWB and how we perceive

ourselves in relation to the norm. Feeling that we fall short, possess less than people around us, invites a sense of discontent. With workaholism now at a peak, unfortunately, this competitive spirit frequently spirals out of control. Professor Lord Richard Layard, director of the Well-Being Programme at the Centre for Economic Performance at the London School of Economics, calls such "fruitless work"more than is necessary to do the joba source of "social pollution." It's a contagion of envy and striving that keeps us consuming without feeling better. "We find, as nations grow wealthier, that once we're above abject poverty, wealth makes little difference to citizens' well-being," he tells me from a phone booth in the House of Lords. "When everyone is striving, it's like a football game where everyone stands up: You still have the same view only now you're less comfortable because you're standing." With upward mobility comes other unfortunate side effects as well, depriving families of time together and fragmenting communities. In his lectures, Layard points to evidence that rates of clinical depression, alcoholism, and crime have all increased in the postWorld War II era despite periods of economic growth. Working beyond our own limits, as Layard suggests, not leaving enough for ourselves on the side, we often compromise our own happiness as well as the greater good. "The last two decades have seen a serious assault on the communitarian ethic," says Layard. "There is such a thing as objective happiness, but it must be shared." If we stop focusing on personal gain as the only path to happiness, then perhaps we can turn outward. "I badly want to reinstate the Enlightenment belief that the moral act is always the one that produces the greatest overall happiness." "In the end, happiness is a choice"

So That's What Friends Are For

A single consistent factor in many studies of SWB is the critical necessity for close connection, physical touch, the comfort of friendship, the deeper embrace of love. "Friends are good, but family's better," says University of Southern California professor of economics Richard Easterlin, PhD. In a National Opinion Research Center survey of 23,000 Americans over the past two decades, 41 percent of those who were married described themselves as "very happy," while only 22 percent of those never married, divorced, separated, or widowed could say the same thing, meaning that the SWB levels of married people are nearly double the levels of those who aren't. This raises an interesting question. Are married people happier because they're marriedor were they happier in the first place? In other words, are people with higher SWB more likely to find a partner? Researchers are attempting to answer this. It is intriguing to note that a 2003 study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that happy individuals appear more likely to get and stay married, which may help explain why SWB has been found to be higher among

married people. Contrary to pessimistic predictions of marriage starting out with a honeymoon bang, then declining in terms of intimacy (and SWB), psychologist David Myers cites in his research a 1995 study that reveals it's the benefits of marriage that help make married people happier. "Intimacy, commitment, and support do, for most people, pay emotional dividends," he reports, offering spousesalong with additional stressesnew roles and rewards. Dual careers, it would seem, pose special challenges. But couples have new opportunities to craft their marriages just as they can shift their jobs into a calling. If you and your partner find more joy doing charity work than pigging out at Club Med (or the reverse), by all means follow your unique desires; find the space to pursue the things that will keep you as focused on the relationship as on the phone bill or car pool. *** In the end, happiness is a choicethe frame through which we choose to see. The larger the frame, the more vivid the picture. The more we remember that life is a giftthat everything changes, we're not in controlthe stronger our sense of well-being becomes. Colette had disasters in her life but was also one of the most joyful people ever to walk the streets of Paris. Happiness can withstand all thatall it takes is wisdom.

Love Your Life in 30 Seconds

Oprah.com | From the May 2007 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Yeah, sure. All's right with the world in 30 seconds? Even drugs don't work that fast. But scientists and economists have begun to study happiness in a rigorous way, and they're learning a few things about emotional elevationincluding several proven ways to give yourself an instant mood lift without the guilt of a Godiva binge or shopping spree: Tell a good joke. Seriously: Hearing someone else laugh triggers a response in areas of your brain related to smiling, according to research from University College, London. Pull out a photo album. A survey conducted by a British psychologist queried subjects about their mood before and after they ate chocolate, drank wine, listened to music, and gazed at photos of loved ones. Only the photos gave a noticeable liftan 11 percent improvement. Be affectionate with your partner. A study from the University of North Carolina found that women who got several hugs a day from their husbands had significantly lower blood pressure than those embraced less often. Another study using fMRIs showed women's brains to be far less reactive to the threat of mild electrical shock when holding a loved one's hand versus a stranger's. Ask an office mate how she's doing. A recent study from Spain found that professional supportincluding a good relationship with coworkerswill help make your job far more satisfying and absorbing.

The Love Fast: Giving Up Neediness and Finding True Love

By Rachel Howard Oprah.com | From the October 2008 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

I walked into San Francisco's Grace Cathedral on edge, full of worry. It was Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent. Before I chose to be baptized into the Episcopal Church, in my mid-20s, I hadn't even heard of the holy season of Lent; now it filled me with vague reverenceand befuddlement. In a few minutes I'd kneel at the altar rail, a priest drawing a smudgy black cross upon my forehead with his thumb and half whispering, Remember you are dust, and to dust you shall return. Then would come the 40 days of penitence leading up to Easter, and with them a perplexing practice: 40 days of fasting. Fasting confused me because it seemed in theory dark and seriousselfdenial, self-punishmentand in action, totally trivial. As far as I could see, most churchgoers gave up something easy like chocolate or red wine, congratulated themselves for going without whatever they didn't really need anyway, and then Easter came and they ate Godiva and drank Pinot and went on with their lives as before. I wanted my life to be different. Church was my ritual, a way to create the stability I still craved two decades after my father's sudden death, and it had gotten me through hard times. A year and a half earlier I'd split from my husband, and now I was rebuilding, finding my own footing. One sign of how I'd moved on: I'd met a smart, kind man and fallen in love.

But Joe squirmed at the slightest emotional pressure. On our third date he professed "commitment issues." Our early courtship became an unlikely dance of Joe showering me with affection before fretting that he couldn't start a relationship, and me reassuring him that he could. Whatever patience and selfsecurity I thought I'd gained through this delicate process flew out the window the moment Joe decided he was fully onboard. Right away I needed him to tell me that he loved me. And though I thought I'd grown so much since leaving my exand though I didn't want to torture Joe with the 2 a.m. "do you really love me" talks my ex once enduredI still clung to pressure as my only tactic for reassurance. One night I gazed up at Joe expectantly. "I think you know how I feel about you," I blurted out. "But I'm not sure how you feel about me." Silence. Joe's face furrowed as my unstated question dawned on him. And over the weeks that followed, even as I watched him flinch, I couldn't get myself to back off. I had a hunch, from the little cakes Joe kept for me in his refrigerator, from the way he lit up when I arrived at his house, that he did love me. But my need made him resist. His resistance made me apply more pressure. ... It was hopeless. Then that Ash Wednesday, sitting in the pew and worrying about Joe, I was given a new idea of what it means to fast. Fasting, Bishop Marc Andrus was saying, didn't have to be about self-denial for its own sake, or giving up some trifle just to feel self-righteous. Traditionally, Bishop Marc continued, the thing people fasted from was food. And the idea was not merely to punish themselves. The idea was that by eating less, those fasting could give the extra food to other people who needed it more. Fasting could be about taking less in order to give more. As the bishop's closing words echoed and I knelt and prayed, it came to me. What did I think I needed that I could do with less of? What could I give instead? Love. I could focus on giving love instead of worrying about how to take it.

So for 40 days, I fasted from the need for love. For 40 days, I focused on giving love to others. I wrote cards to my grandfather, I called friends and fielded their worries, I smiled more warmly than usual at strangers. I listened to the long story of my hairdresser's harrowing childhood and encouraged him to pursue his dream of going back to college. I devoted a week to helping my brother adjust to civilian life after serving in Iraq. That part of the discipline came fairly easily. The parts involving Joe did not. Daily I felt the tingling temptation to devise some new way of forcing the question. (Aloud: "Don't you think we're wonderful together?" Implied: Then why can't you say you love me?) I found myself refusing to offer my love because of fears that he wouldn't return it. I'd withhold a kiss, or fall into a dark mood. But every time I slipped, I returned to my fast. I cleared from my mind the impulse to try to take love. My mood brightened; I kissed him out of spontaneous affection

instead of the hope that he'd utter the magic words. One morning in the middle of my 40-day love fast, I awoke with a realization: I already had all the love that I needed. I had it from my mother and brother, from my friends, even from the memory of the love that my father had given me before his death. Consciously giving love to othersand seeing them spontaneously give it backhad made me recognize the love in my life more clearly. Most important, I had all the love I needed from God, or whatever you want to call that larger reality of the universe. I didn't need Joe's love. And yet, I still wanted it. Near the end of the 40 days of Lent, Joe suddenly said, "Perhaps I'm not giving you everything you deserve." We both knew the three unuttered words we were really talking about. He asked to come over, his voice resigned over the crackle of our bad cell phone connection. I had the sad expectation that we would be saying goodbye. When Joe rang my apartment door, my impulse was to hold myself aloof, to welcome him politely but coolly in case he wasn't, in fact, going to say that he loved me. But then, my arms around him, I thought, "What would happen if I stuck to my fast even now? What if instead of pulling away because I'm afraid he won't give me love, I stay here holding him, I keep kissing him and letting him feel my love?" Joe drew back. He said, "I feel overcome by love for you and it feels...amazing." And then he said it. "I love you." It could have gone the other way, of course. Joe could have balked; our relationship could have ended there. My fast from love had prepared me for that possibilityand my acceptance of it made Joe's love possible. The fast continues. As Bishop Marc said at the end of his sermon that Ash Wednesday, if your Lenten fast is a good one, it's not one you ought to give up once the 40 days are over. Joe still squirms over commitment. I still fight the urge to pressure him. I'm still tempted, every day, to think I need more love than I already have. And I still feel a strange new peace every time I say "I love you" first.

How to Tune In to the Voice Within

Oprah.com | July 12, 2011

Martha Beck explains how to ignore the racket and understand how you really feel.
This very day, two individuals are vying to be your personal adviser. The first, whose name is Fang, dresses in immaculate business attire, carries a briefcase full of neatly organized folders, and answers all e-mails instantly, via BlackBerry. In a loud, clear, authoritative voice, Fang delivers strong opinions about how you should manage your time. Fang's rsum is impressive: fantastic education, experience to burn. The other candidate, Buddy, wears shorts, a tank top, and a rose tattoo. If you question the professionalism of this attire, Buddy just smiles. When you ask advice on a pressing matter, Buddy hugs you. There are almost no words on Buddy's rsum (the few that do appear are jokes and song lyrics), and in the margins, Buddy has doodled pictures of chipmunks. Who will you hire to advise you? Yeah, that's what I used to think, too.

Long, long ago, as a teenager, I gave the name Fang to my socially conscious, verbal, educated mind. Buddy was what I called a perverse, disobedient aspect of my being, who apparently never evolved logical semantics and simply does not understand How Things Are Done Around Here. Fang is wary and suspicious, while Buddy ignores all caution in the pursuit of appealing experiences, like a puppy on LSD. In high school, I vowed to let only Fang run my life. A couple of decades later, I noticed something surprising: Though I generally did listen to Fang, it was Buddy who was always right. When clients tell me they need to find their "inner voice," I suspect they're already listening to one: a loud, logical, convincing Fang-voice that echoes parents, teachers, priests, and angry personal trainers. You have no problem hearing this voice; the problem is, its counsel rarely leads to fulfillment. Yet you sense there's someone else knocking around in your psyche: someone whose counsel might make you happythe kind of wise, primordial self I named Buddy. Unfortunately, Buddy is almost nonverbal, initially unimposing, and, from Fang's point of view, way too weird to trust. I believe one of the primary tasks of your life is to trust Buddy anyway. That means first learning to recognize true inner wisdom, and then opening yourself to its peculiar counsel. Next: Noticing what your inner wisdom is and is not

Noticing What Your Inner Wisdom Is and Is Not

Real wisdom is so different from what's drilled into us by most authority figures that we tend to go functionally blind to it. But even if you can't recognize your own wisdom, you can notice what it isn't. Compare this list of Buddy traits with their Fang opposites. Wisdom Is Sensory, Not Verbal "It's not as though I hear a voice," says a friend of mine who's famous for her wisdom. "It's more like a little kid tapping me on the shoulder. It's something I feel."

In other words, while the voice of social conditioning manifests itself as a stream of thoughts in the head, wisdom often appears as emotions or physical sensations in the body. Brain-damaged patients who lose function in parts of the brain that register emotion may still understand the logic of a problem, but can no longer reason effectively or make advantageous decisions for themselves. The emotional centers of the brain, along with the elaborate bundle of nerves in your belly (the so-called gut brain), have been evolving far longer than language. And that system, more than logic, is exquisitely attuned to helping you navigate your way through life. So if you're wondering whether a choice is wise or not, don't search your mind for a rational argument. Instead, hold each option in your attention, then feel its effect on your body and emotions. When something's wrong for you, you'll feel constriction and tightness. The wise choice leads to feelings of liberation, even exhilaration. Wisdom Is Calm, Not Fearful The inner voice of social conditioningthat would be Fangdoesn't just speak in words; it shouts them. "Do it my way!" Fang shrieks. "Do not screw this up!" By contrast, inner wisdom is stillness itself. If you're waiting for wisdom to outscream paranoia, get comfortable. It's gonna be a long wait. Instead, you might want to regard the thought stream in your brain as an annoying TV talk show playing in an upstairs apartment. Send your attention downstairs, to a place in the center of your chest where Buddy is smiling in the stillness. It helps to take some deep breaths. You may have to lie down. But as you feel for that stillness, the yawping from your brain will seem less important. As you begin to relax, you'll find yourself guided to do unexpected things. These may include just resting, often the single wisest choice. Wisdom Is Chosen, Not Forced From infancy we're trained by adults who can force us to cooperate. Sometimes, indeed, we're trained so well that we begin to expect all instructions to come through coercion. "You're crazy to want that!" Fang shouts as you try to grow or enjoy life. "You don't deserve it!" "You'll fail!" Meanwhile, your inner Buddy knocks gently, then waits to be invited in. Wisdom is far, far stronger than fear, but while fear gladly forces itself upon you, wisdom will do nothing of the kind. We can't be victims of wisdom: It must be chosen. Stop and examine any frightening, ugly, or painful thought that customarily drives you. Ask yourself: Really? Is this really the kind of energy you want blaring through your inner space? If not, calmly state a truer thought: "You're wrong, Fang. I do deserve this, and even if I do fail, the world won't end." Fang will not appreciate this. There will be shouting. But you'll gain wisdom every time you choose to believe the peaceful thoughts againand again, and again, and again. Ultimately, this practice will enable you to take Fang less

seriously. Then you can go out to play with Buddy, who's much more interesting. Next: Exercises to help follow your inner buddy

Following Your Inner Buddy

Exercise 1: WWBD? Think of a challenging circumstance or difficult decision you happen to be facing right nowsomething that's been keeping you up at night. With this situation in mind, write the first answer that comes up when you ask yourself the following questions. Don't overthink the answers. In fact, don't think about the answers at alljust blurt. With regard to your difficult situation... What would calm do now?

What would peace do now?

What would relaxation do now? (Note: I don't include "What would love do now?" because so many people have such misguided interpretations of love. They think love would sacrifice its own happiness, or throw a tantrum, or hide in an ex-boyfriend's garage wearing nothing but night-vision goggles and a leopard-print thong.) The more often you ask yourself these strange questions, the more open you become to the gentle energy of your own inner wisdom. When you feel your body begin to let go of tension, you know you're headed in a wise direction. And that's what Buddy would do. Exercise 2: Nightmare Board, Wisdom Board Perhaps you've heard of vision boards: collages you assemble from pictures of things that appeal to you. Most of us go through life carrying something similar in our mindsexcept that instead of pictures that appeal to us, they're crowded with pictures that torment and terrify us. I call these nightmare boards. Your nightmare board, curated, assembled, and prominently displayed by your inner Fang, contains images of everything that frightens and upsets you, including all your most hideously painful experiences. Fang is continuously adding new pictures to the board and lovingly retouching the old ones. Here's a radical assignment: Make your nightmare board real. Glue up some actual images of every frightening thought that haunts you. But don't stop there. When you're finished, you're going to make another board. This new board must contain three or more images that contradict every picture on the nightmare board. For example, if your nightmare board shows a devastating oil

spill, your vision board might feature three photographs of people tenderly swabbing oil-coated ducks. For every image of violence, come up with three examples of loving kindness; for every crisis, find three beautiful, ordinary moments of calm. When you're finished, ceremoniously shred, burn, or otherwise trash Fang's nightmare board. Then put your wisdom board where you can see it. Focusing on hope in a world of fear isn't naive. It's the irrational essence of wisdom. Exercise 3: Vocab Rehab Take ten minutes and write a description of your lifestream of consciousness, no self-judgment, no editing. Then go over your description, looking for every word that carries frightening or painful associations. These words have more power than you might think. Studies show that after focusing on words having to do with aging, people walk more slowly; when they see words associated with anger, they're more likely to be rude. This phenomenon is called affective priming, but it works both ways. You can use it to connect with your inner wisdom by changing every stressful word in your self-description to something more freeing, relaxing, or exhilarating. If you wrote "I'm nervous," see whether "I'm excited" may also fit. The word unsure could be replaced by open. As you change your story, Fang's voice will begin to soften, and the peace that comes from your wiser inner voice will begin to arise. Practice Makes Permanent All these exercises can divert your attention from bossy, self-righteous Fang and help you appreciate the brilliance of your inner Buddy. Wisdom will never be the loud, obvious one in this odd couple. It will never shout down its opposition or barge in uninvited. But each time you choose wisdom as your adviser, you come closer to making the choice a way of life. Trust me, that's advice you want to take.

Escape Your Rat Race

By Martha Beck Oprah.com | From the January 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Feeling trapped by a job, relationship, or routine, but terrified of making a change? Martha Beck shows you how to feel your way to freedom.
Sheila and I are conversing at a drug treatment center, where she's been remanded. Counselors are listening, so we can't plan a way to break her out. As it happens, escape is the last thing on Sheila's mind. I'm not coaching her through the woes of being institutionalized for drug use but prepping her for her upcoming release. "In here everything's simple," Sheila says. "Outside I'll have to deal with my crazy mom, get a job, pay the bills. I don't know how to handle that without drugs." When I ask her to picture a peaceful, happy life, Sheila draws a blank. "I can't imagine anything except what I've already seen," she says. The despair in her voice is so heavy it makes me want to huff a little glue

myself, but two things give me hope: a fabled land known in the annals of psychology as Rat Park, and a montage of other clients, once as hopeless as Sheila, who went on to live happy, meaningful lives. The concepts I learned from Rat Park, channeled through the behaviors I've seen in those courageous clients, just may transform Sheila's future. But first, what is this mythic Rat Park? And how might it relate to you? The term comes from a study conducted in 1981 by psychologist Bruce Alexander and colleagues. He noted that many addiction studies had something in common: The lab rats they used were locked in uncomfortable, isolating cages. Testing a hunch, Alexander gathered two groups of rats. For the first, he built a 200square-foot rodent paradise called Rat Park. There a colony of white Wister rats found luxurious accommodations for all their favorite pastimesmingling, mating, raising pups, writing articles for newspaper tabloids. The second group was housed in the traditional cages. Alexander offered both groups a choice of plain water or sugar water laced with morphine. Like rats in other studies, the traditionally caged animals became instant addicts. However, the residents of Rat Park tended to "just say no," avoiding the drug-treated sugar water. Even rats that were already addicted to morphine tended to lay off the hard stuff when in Rat Park. Put them back in their cages, however, and they'd stay stoned as Deadheads. Alexander saw many parallels between these junkie rats and human addicts. He has talked of one patient who worked as a shopping mall Santa. "He couldn't do his job unless he was high on heroin," Alexander remembered. "He would shoot up, climb into that red Santa Claus costume, put on those black plastic boots, and smile for six hours straight." This story jingles bells for many of my clients. Like Smack Santa, they spend many hours playing roles that don't match their innate personalities and preferences, dulling the pain with mood-altering substances. Miserable with their jobs, relationships, or daily routines, they gulp down a fifth of Scotch, buy 46 commemorative Elvis plates on QVC, superglue phony smiles to their faces, and head on out to whatever rat race is gradually destroying them. Sheila was actually a step ahead of most of my clients, in that she knew she was locked up. Most people are trapped in prisons made of mind stuff attitudes and beliefs such as "I have to look successful" or "I can't disappoint my dad." Ideas like thesebeing deeply entrenched and invisibleare often more powerful than physical prisons. When we're trapped in mind cages, gulping happy pills by the handful and fantasizing about lethally stapling coworkers, we rarely even consider that our unhappiness comes from living in captivity. And if we ever come close to recognizing the truth, we're stopped by a barrage of terrifying questions: "What if there's nothing better than this?" "What if I quit my job, lose my seniority, and end up somewhere even worse?" "What if I break off this relationship and end up alone forever?" "What if I get my hopes up and the big break never comes?" When the alternatives are staying in the familiar cage or facing the unknown,

trust me, most people choose the cageover and over and over again. It's painful to watch, especially knowing that liberation is only a few simple steps away. If you suspect that you might need to engineer your own prison break, the following pieces of commonsense advice can set you free forever.

You Don't Have to Know What Rat Park Looks Like

"I just don't think I'll ever find the right life for me," Sheila frets. "Of course you won't!" I say. "How strange to think you would!" It amazes me how often people use that phrase: "Find the right life." Would you walk into your kitchen hoping to find the right fried egg, the right cup of coffee, the right toast? Such things don't simply appear before you; they arrive because you rummage around, figure out what's available, and make what you want. (If you're rich, you can hire a chef and place your order, but you're still creating the result.) Bruce Alexander's rats were hand-delivered into paradise. Lucky critters, indeedbut not nearly as lucky as Alexander himself, or the rest of us humans, who have the astonishing ability to envision and build Rat Parks. All animals are shaped by their environment, but we, more than any other species, can shape our environment right back. We can cook the egg, brew the coffee, paint the room, change the space. We can fabricate our Rat Parks, and we must, if we want them built to spec. "But I don't know what I'm trying to build," Sheila protests when I tell her this. "How can I create something when I don't have a clue what it looks like?" Time for commonsense suggestion number two.

You Don't Need a Map to Find Your Rat Park

I often invite clients to play the dead-simple game You're Getting Warmer, You're Getting Colder. The client leaves the room, and I hide a simple object say, a keyin a tricky place, such as the inside of a cake. (Not that I would have done this with someone locked up. Like Sheila. Absolutely not.) When the client returns to the room, he almost invariably stands still, and asks, "What am I looking for?" Obviously, I don't answer him. The only feedback I'll give is "You're getting warmer" or "You're getting colder." Eventually clients will start moving. Guided by the words warmer and colder, they quickly identify the general hiding area.

Then there's a period of confusion, fueled by assumptions like "Well, she certainly wouldn't hide it in the cake." They go back and forth for a bit, then stop and demand, "Where is it?" Again, this gets them nothing. Peeved, they revert to following the "warmer/colder" feedback until they arrive at the object. I've never had a client who didn't ultimately succeed. Not one. My point: Life has installed within you powerful "getting warmer, getting colder" signals. When Sheila thought of leaving the treatment center, her tension, anxiety, and drug cravings soared. The time she had to serve was "warmer"; her outside life, "colder." Certain activities were freezing colddealing with her mother, working, paying bills. As we examined each of these, we found that her guidance system was giving her beautifully clear messages. For instance, being around sane noncriminals, even officials at the treatment center, felt "warmer" than Sheila's crazy dope-dealing mother. Working in the cafeteria, with its institutional predictability, was "warmer" than her old cocktail waitress job, where she'd flashed her flesh to elicit unpredictable tips from drunken customers. Living within her economic means felt "warmer" than credit card shopping sprees she couldn't afford. True, Sheila was a long way from her own Rat Park. But with the knowledge that her navigation system was functioning perfectly, all she had to do was play her life as a game of You're Getting Warmer, You're Getting Colder. The same is true for you. It isn't necessary to know exactly how your ideal life will look; you only have to know what feels better and what feels worse. If something feels both good and bad, break it down into its components to see which are warm, which cold. Begin making choices based on what makes you feel freer and happier, rather than how you think an ideal life should look. It's the process of feeling our way toward happiness, not the realization of some Platonic ideal, that creates our best lives. "My life is so far from perfect," Sheila says as we end our session. "I don't know if it's fixable." She's ready to hear my third and last piece of commonsense advice.

You Don't Have to Make Big Changes to Get There

This step is something I stole from philosopher and engineer Buckminster Fuller. Bucky, as his friends knew him, chose for his epitaph just three words: call me trimtab. Trim tabs are tiny rudders attached to the back of larger rudders that steer huge ships. The big rudders would snap off if turned directly, but, as Fuller famously said, "just moving the little trim tab builds a low pressure that pulls the rudder around. Takes almost no effort at all. So...you can just put your foot out like that and the whole big ship of state is going to go."

Every life is a series of trim-tab decisions. Should you read tonight or watch TV? Choose what feels warmer. Self-help or thriller? Choose what feels warmer. Cuddle with the dog or banish him from the bed? Choose what feels (psychologically) warmer. If you make mistakes, no problem; you'll soon feel colder and correct your course. Making consistent trim-tab choices toward happiness is what steers the mighty ship of your life into exotic ports, safe havensin short, into every Rat Park you can imagine, and then some. I say goodbye to Sheila not knowing whether she'll set her trim tabs toward happiness or back to her drug-abusing cage of a life. I've learned not to get my hopes up with humans, who aren't nearly as clear-sighted and authentic as rats. But our session reminds me to keep following my own tiny feelings and impulses to their distant and amazing destinations. So instead of worrying about Sheilaor me, or youI'll choose to trust our powerful instincts, our desire to be happy, our amazing human capacity for invention. You may choose cynical despair insteadit's all the rage in intellectual circlesbut if you care to join me, I think you'll find it's a whole lot warmer over here in Rat Park.

Think Like a Thin Person

By Barbara Graham Oprah.com | From the April 2007 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Resist cravings? No problem. Set realistic weight goals? Piece of cake. But what if your diet coach challenged you to go eight hours without eating a single bite? Barbara Graham reports on getting over her deep, dark, self-sabotaging fear of hunger.
My favorite fat joke is that I'm still trying to lose my pregnancy weightonly my son just turned 35. Needless to say, I'm no stranger to dieting: I've been to South Beach, Scarsdale, and Beverly Hills, with too-many-to-count excursions to Weight Watchers. It's not that these diets don't workthey do. But each time I shed some weight, sooner or later I get blindsided by stress and start to eat wantonly again. Like most chronic dieters, I've felt helpless, out of control, demoralized by my inability to keep weight off. So when an advance copy of Dr. Judith Beck's The Beck Diet Solution: Train Your Brain to Think Like a Thin Person landed on my doorstep last fall, I took it as a sign. Judy is the psychologist daughter of Aaron Beck, the famed psychiatrist who pioneered cognitive therapy, which helps people overcome self-defeating thoughts and is now a gold standard of treatment for depression, anxiety, and other psychological disorders. I knew about the approach from a friend whose depression was cured by working with Beck pre at the Beck Institute for Cognitive Therapy and Researchnow run by Judynear Philadelphia. If cognitive therapy could change Natalie's life, maybe it could be my ticket out of yo-yo hell. I rang up Judy and arranged to get together.

The day before we met, I boned up on the book. Instead of presenting a specific diet (any reasonable eating planI chose Weight Watchers againwill do), Beck guides the reader through a six-week, step-by-step process designed to eliminate every self-sabotaging thought that makes dieters throw up their hands and open their mouths. (Thoughts such as "I can't diet when I'm stressed" or "I know I shouldn't eat this, but it's my birthday/Thanksgiving/Groundhog Day/fillin-the-blank day" hit me squarely in my size 12 gut.) Along the way, she outlines a comprehensive regimen based on her own experience and 20 years of counseling dieters. Some of the strategieseat slowly, while seated; give yourself credit for resisting cravings or dropping even half a pound; set realistic weight loss goalsseemed manageable, but others provoked anxiety. Would I really be required to plan every meal in advance? Account for every last morsel to my diet coachJudy herself!and allow myself "no choice" about sticking to my plan? Scariest of all was the "hunger experiment," during which I was to go eight hours without eating in order to learn that "hunger is not an emergency." "Moi," I thought, "hypoglycemic moi?" My blood sugar is prone to plummeting, leaving me feeling as if I'm on the brink of starvation at least three times a day! And the kicker: As I read on, I realized that the program isn't just a six-week commitmentit's for life! "Almost everybody has the idea that once they stop dieting, they'll be able to eat whatever they want, but that is absolutely false," Judy told me when we met over lunch. Slim, energetic, and incredibly empathetic even when making toughlove pronouncements, she was a veteran yo-yo dieter who lost 15 pounds ten years ago and has kept it off ever since. "I had to accept that for the rest of my life, I would have to eat differently from how I used to eat," she said. "When I work with people, I stress this from the first day. It's not a popular message, especially with so many fad diets around, but I don't see any point in losing weight if you're just going to gain it back." What's more, she added, "I've discovered that to some degree almost every thin person restricts what she eats. We all need to learn to do that. When the going gets tough, we have to keep reminding ourselves of the advantages of maintaining a healthy weight." In fact, the very first exercise in The Beck Diet Solution asks readers to pinpoint the reasons they want to lose weight. To the predictable examples listed"I'll look better. I'll be able to wear a smaller size. I'll live longer"I added, "So I can put on a little black dress." Judy urges dieters to review their reasons at least twice daily. On the flip side, she asks them to unearth the sabotaging thoughts that keep them from dieting successand then create written response cards that will act as a reality check to each thought. As my coach, she planned to use our lunch to help me handcraft such cards. br> "What are some of the self-defeating ideas that stop you from losing weight?" she asked me, cutting to the chase as we waited for our grilled salmon. "Uh," I stammered, "I blame my metabolism. It's really hard for me to lose weight." "Those are just thoughts," she replied brightly. "We'll find out if they're true. I'm guessing you can lose weightyou just haven't learned the skills to keep it off."

"Maybe, but I don't think I overeat. Basically, I believe I'd have to starve myself in order to be thin," I said, feeling suddenly sheepish. There was something humbling, even humiliating, about voicing the machinations of my weightobsessed mind out loud. "You probably do overeat, so we have to figure out how we can get you to eat less and still feel satisfied." "But mostly I eat only when I'm hungry, which is fairly often, because of my hypoglycemia." Judy wasn't buying it. "If you're trying to lose weight, you can't go by hunger; you have to go by a plan. I can't tell you how wonderful it was to figure out that I can stand being hungry no matter what," she said, beaming. "Before I was able to keep weight off, I always worried about being hungry." Maybe I'm dense, but I was having trouble connecting the dots here. Doesn't Judy herself advise dieters to choose an eating plan that works for themthe operative word being eating? "What's so great about going hungry?" I asked. "Almost every dieter has difficulty distinguishing between true hunger, a desire to eat, and cravings," she explained. "And most people who struggle with weight loss tend to feel hunger pangs intensely and often eat to avoid those feelings. But the point is, hunger comes and goes. Thin people know this and don't worry about being hungry." "Uh-oh," I thought. "Here it comes." "Purposely skipping a meal is the only way to prove to yourself that you can withstand hunger," she said, leaning closer. "We have to get you over the fear of being hungry if you want to keep weight off for the rest of your life." "I'll do anything," I pleaded. "I'll go on Weight Watchers and stick to it. I'll keep a record of every microbite. Just please, not that. I'm sure I'd drop dead." I could tell that Judy harbored serious doubts about the severity of my hypoglycemia, the existence of which, I was forced to admit, had never been clinically proved. But she graciously turned her attention to writing the response cardssuch as "If I want to lose weight, I have to do things I don't want to do" that were supposed to counter my negative thoughts. My homework was to read the cards before each meal, as well as commit to a food plan every night for the following day, then fax it to her. We agreed to touch base by phone in one week. When I called at the appointed time, I was feeling proud of myself"giving myself credit" in Judyspeak. I'd dropped a pound and a half and had been fanatical about staying within the points allotted me by Weight Watchers. But I didn't get the You go, girl reaction I was expecting.

"Eventually, it will be fine to substitute foods as long as they're the same number of points or calories," Judy told me, referring to the fact that I'd eaten broccoli instead of the artichoke I'd committed to in writing. "But for now I'd like you to follow your plan exactly." I felt deflated. What was the big deal? Wasn't one green vegetable as good as the next? "You won't have to plan every meal for the rest of your life, but for now I'd like you to master the skill of 'no choice,' so that in the future when you start to slide, you'll know how to get back on track." "I get it," I said, "but I don't like it." "I know I'm being a hard-ass," Judy conceded. "But 90 percent of people who lose weight gain it back, which is what happened to you." Then she had me write out a new response card: "Unless I get really good at following my plan, I'll be at risk for regaining the weight I lose. Rigidity is essential right now, but it's only temporary." Though I felt like a chastened schoolgirl when I hung up the phone, in subsequent weeks something strange occurred: My inner rebel put down her dukes, and I grew to enjoy planning my meals. It made me feel safe and in controland saved me on my birthday, Thanksgiving, and at several holiday parties. The proof showed up on the scale. By the time I went to see Judy a month after our initial meeting, I had dropped seven pounds. Judy warmly congratulated me on my progress and my shift in attitude. She even told me I could be more flexible in my eating and stop planning every mealsomething I was not yet ready to do. She also issued a sober warning. "It's a fallacy to think you'll continue losing weight at this rate. There'll be weeks when you won't lose anything and other weeks when the scale will go up a pound or two. That's normal. You have to take the long view; otherwise you could become demoralized and abandon your diet the way you did in the past." Then she leaned back in her chair and smiled. "It would be goodin fact it's 100 percent necessaryfor you not to be afraid of hunger so you can maintain your weight loss your whole life." The Dread Hunger Experiment was back on the table. Even though it still terrified me, I buckled and agreed to eat nothing between breakfast and dinnerunless I started shaking uncontrollably, a true symptom of hypoglycemiathe very next day. Judy promised to be available by phone every hour after noon. For insurance that morning, I ate a super-high-protein breakfast; when I telephoned Judy at 1 P.M., I was able to say I wasn't dead yet. "Still here," I reported at 2. By then I was feeling light-headed and cranky as well as famished, but the feelings were more or less tolerable and I agreed to press on. The real shock came at 3, when not only was I still alive but my hunger had diminished significantly. And at 4, though I was starving again, I was able to

distract myself by combing the Internet for cheap flights to visit my baby granddaughter in Paris. When Judy picked up the phone at 4:15 and heard that the experiment was still in full swing, she was elated. "Now that you've experienced for yourself that hunger comes and goes, you never have to worry about feeling hungry again." "You mean I can stop? Now? And eat?" I couldn't believe I'd passed the test. "Absolutely. You've proved yourself." "Wow," I said, "that's amazing. But if it's all the same to you, I think I'm going to try to hold out until 5."

Clutter Control
By Martha Beck Oprah.com | From the Summer 2006 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

I'm one of those people who gradually accumulate possessions until their living spaces begin to feel stuffed up. Folks like me sustain an ongoing attempt to spring clean, but something in us always protests. It makes us cling to possessions we don't need, hesitate before discarding things, and set discouragingly ambitious rules about how de-cluttering should happen. If you're one of us, perhaps you should consult a doctor. Happily, I'm sort of a doctor (I have a PhD), and through extensive experimentation (cleaning my own house), I've arrived at a simple, effective clutter cure I call "Walk-Out Therapy." It will help you make your home a peaceful space where you can thrive. Diagnosis: Domestic Stuffiness The tendency to overstuff our homes is an inherited condition that evolved when living circumstances were harsh. One of my great-grandfathers supported 13 children on a wooden shoemaker's income; a great-grandmother on my father's side of the family survived by gleaning wool left on thorn trees by passing sheep and knitting it into socks for cowboys. My point is not that I come from people obsessed with footwear but that just a few generations back, most folks had almost nothing. We're programmed to be pack ratsto hoard, not jettisonour possessions. Add to that the unprecedented wealth of modern society, and you get an epidemic of clogged living spaces. The obvious de-cluttering solution is to throw out things the moment you no longer need them. Easy, right? Wrong. Your inner pack rat won't stand for it. "But I can still wear that!" it squeals as you consider discarding a 20-year-old jacket with shoulder pads. You feel an intensely visceral clutching anxiety that won't abate until you hang the unsightly garment back in your overstuffed closet. So, the first step to a clutter cure is to write down your favorite pack-rat phrases. My clients' top three are: "I have to go through those," "Someone could use that," and "But I need it!" Unless you use the object in question at least once a

year, such righteous exclamations are actually symptoms of dysfunction. Obeying these protests will keep you overstuffed and off balance forever. Instead, use your powers of analysis to outwit the primitive logic of these phrases. When I ask clients what they long for, the most common responses are "peace," "space," and "freedom." Clutter keeps us from achieving these goals, and we spend hundreds of thousands of dollars buying larger homes. Empty space is more valuablepsychologically and physicallythan almost any object. With this in mind, walk into any room of your home and focus on 10 random objects. As you consider each, ask yourself (1) Do I truly need it? (2) Do I truly adore it? (3) Would I trade inner peace for this? The answers can help curb your pack-rat impulses, allowing you to clear out and move on.

Treatment: Walk Away Clutter Many of my clients have grandiose delusions about how to dispose of their excess stuff. "I'm trying to get bags ready for Goodwill," they'll say, "but I get distracted." Or, "I need to hold a garage sale but can't find the energy." Believing you must donate or sell your clutter is another relic of the days when people suffered from scarcity. The poor aren't a junkyard substitute. I've tried to donate broken or ugly castoffs, only to have Goodwillquite rightlyreject them. Give away items only if they are in good condition. Hold garage sales only if you love them. And stop waiting for that unscheduled weekend to declutter your homeit ain't coming. Instead, proceed straight to the cure. A walk-out can begin the minute you realize that certain possessions aren't worth your space, money, or inner peace. After your 10-item evaluation, put two unnecessary objects near your door each day. Every time you leave your home, pick up one item, preferably two. Drop them into the first public trash can you pass (if you're driving, find a waste receptacle at your destination). The idea is to get items out of your house irrevocably, preventing "trasher's remorse." Do not wait to de-clutter in one big fell swoop. Do not ponder or pause. Evaluate, grab, walk out, discard, and repeat. (Although you should avoid walking out someone's personal possessions without asking first.) This month, commit to walking out at least two items a day. At first, your inner pack rat will resist. Start with objects that will cause you the least objection (your cat's disintegrating catnip mouse, the nearly dead houseplant), then move on to more challenging items: the unreadable book, the never-used salad spinner, and, finally, the expensive but atrocious jacket. Very soon, like any good medicine, the walk-out will make you feel better. It eventually becomes quite intoxicating. I love the slightly naughty thrill that comes from tossing an object, followed by the delicious sensation of my spaceand my lifeopening up. Walking out your junk is habit-forming. It never loses its power to please, which is more than you can say for most physical possessions.

The final benefit of Walk-Out Therapy is its low level of side effects. The packrat part of you will tolerate gradual de-cluttering much better than major surgery. Your loved ones, too, will let go of excess stuff more easily when the removal is slow and steady; they'll notice your home's increasing spaciousness without missing the chipped mug or the ancient bowling trophy. So reclaim your home. Walk out your clutter, pushing through resistance and inviting the rush. Then sit back, feel the openness, and breathe, breathe, breathe.

When and How to Say "Enough!"

By Martha Beck Oprah.com | From the April 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

There are two ways of going through life: Gather everything in sight, just in case you need it. Or, trust that you'll find exactly what you need, just in time. Guess which one lets you really stop and smell the roses?
Shortly after World War II, executives at Japan's Toyota Motor Company made a decision from which, I believe, we all can benefit. They decided to make cars the way they'd make, say, sushi. Unlike most manufacturers, which bought and stored massive stockpiles of supplies, Toyota began ordering just enough parts to keep their lines moving, just when those parts were needed. This made them spectacularly productive, and turned the phrase "just in time" into business legend. I know of the Toyota case because in my former life as an academic, I taught international business management. My students and I had some rousing discussions about just-in-time (JIT) manufacturing, as well as its alternative, which is known as just-in-case (JIC) inventory. These students were the first people who hired me as a life coach (perhaps because I could never resist

applying business theory to everyday life). When we discussed JIT versus JIC management as a lifestyle strategy, we concluded that Toyota's business innovation could positively impact all of our lives. If you feel overburdened, overstressed, and anxious, I'm betting the same is true for you. Step 1: Why Just-in-Case Is Just Crazy Step 2: Why Just-in-Time Just Makes Sense Step 3: Making the Switch

Why Just-in-Case Is Just Crazy

Most people live with a just-in-case mind-set because for most of human history, it made sense. The primary fact of life for just-in-case processes is: "Everything good is scarce!" By contrast, just-in-time systems rely on the assumption "Everything good is readily available." Well, until quite recently, the former claim was true for most humansit's still true for many. But most magazine readers like you live in settings where basic necessities, like food, clothing, and other humans, are plentiful. Living in an abundant environment but operating on the assumption that good things are scarce leads to a host of dysfunctions that can be summed up in one word: excess. Most of us are living in some kind of excess; we work too much, eat too much, rack up debt buying too much stuff. Yet, driven by the unconscious, just-in-case assumption that "everything good is scarce," we just keep doing and accumulating more. We've all seen some of the unfortunate results, and I've found that most fall into the following four categories: Starving off the Fat of the Land For years I noticed that my clients who lived in a mind-set of scarcity had trouble controlling their weight, even though they dieted assiduously. I also read studies showing that poor womenparticularly those who periodically starved themselves to feed their childrenwere particularly plagued by obesity. Researchers hypothesize that when the body knows it may be starved, whether by poverty or by dieting, it activates automatic just-in-case mechanisms that store fat on the body to get through the next "famine." Ironically, this biological just-in-case mechanism puts fat on precisely the people with the discipline to starve themselves. Stuff Tsunamis Just-in-case thinking triggers primal, unconscious impulses to hoard good stuff, fat supplies being just one example. Combine JIC attitudes with a superabundant culture, and things can go wildly off kilter. There have been several cases like the one in Shelton, Washington, where a woman recently suffocated under a pile of her own possessions. To recover her body, police reported having to "climb over [clutter] on their hands and knees. In some areas, their heads were touching the ceiling while they were standing on top of piles of debris."

Money Madness My wealthiest clients have taught me that having lots of money doesn't quiet scarcity-based, JIC anxiety. This point was reinforced for me when I heard about the suicide of the German billionaire who lost hundreds of millions of dollars in the recent financial crisis. Now, this poor guy wasn't literally a poor guy. He still had a personal fortune. But to a just-in-case thinker who's used to billions, it wasn't enough to keep him from throwing himself in front of a train. Love's Labor's Lost Just-in-case thinking destroys relationships faster thanand sometimes with the assistance ofa speeding bullet. Along with the impulse to hoard objects, it also triggers excessive attempts to control our supply of lovethat is, other people. So anxious lovers have their partners followed. Parents micromanage children. People-pleasers try to manipulate everyone into liking them. This behavior isn't love; it's a fear-based outcome of believing love is scarce. If you've ever been on the receiving end of such anxious machinations, you know they make you want to run, not bond.

Why Just-in-Time Just Makes Sense

As Toyota execs and my graduate students concluded so many years ago, hanging on to a just-in-case worldview in abundant environments is plain bad business. And as I've seen in countless coaching scenarios since, switching to a just-in-time mind-set ("Everything good is readily available") restores health and balance to our lives. The great news is that just one mental shiftfocusing on the abundance of your environmentswitches your psychological settings so that your life automatically improves in many areas you may think are unrelated. This is essentially a leap from fear to faith; it's not religious faith but the simple belief that we'll probably be able to get what we need when we need it. When the issues above are considered through abundance-based, just-in-time thinking, it's a whole different ball game: Food Fulfillment I've never been a weight loss coach; my focus is on helping people go from fear and suffering to relaxation and happiness. So I was baffled when many of my clients told me, "I'm finally losing weightand I'm not even trying." This intrigued me so much that I spent years researching and writing a book about it [The Four-Day Win]. After reading thousands of studies and interviewing dozens of experts, I'm convinced that the thought "Everything good is readily available" kicks the body out of its panicky, fat-storing mode and into a state that helps it shed excess fat. Stuff Sufficiency Dianne is 50-ish and newly divorced. Part of our coaching work helped her develop just-in-time confidence about money (which allowed her to leave the financial security of her emotionally dead marriage). During our final session,

she said, "Something weird is happening. All of a sudden, I'm tidy. I've always been a stuff person, but now I don't add clutter. It's a wonderful, spacious feeling." Dianne didn't achieve this by forcing herself to clean up. She simply developed the confidence of a just-in-time manager, and her behavior changed almost on its own. Mellow Money Management "I got really panicky when the economy went south," says Jackie, one of my fellow coaches. "All my business dried up, and I was really scared. But I hate feeling scared, and I'm a coach, so one day I coached myself back to trusting life. I felt better immediately, but what's strange is that clients started coming out of the woodwork. I had to start a waiting list." This, as any Toyota alum will tell you, is what happens to people who have enough confidence to run a just-in-time operation. I can't quite explain this; it often seems nothing short of miraculous. Perhaps this is why the authors of the Bible included the story of the wandering Israelites who were given manna from heaven, but only permitted to gather enough to supply their needs until the next manna-festation. Whether you take it literally or metaphorically, this tale was considered important enough to become holy writ. Why? I believe it's to counteract the just-in-case anxiety that makes billionaires keep hoarding more money. The Israelite story-keepers wanted to remind readers that, miraculous as it seems, just-in-time confidence keeps supply lines clear and prosperity flowing. Lasting Love I've done my share of just-in-case controlling when it comes to love (I'd like to apologize to anyone who once wandered into my danger zone). Happily, I've learned that setting people free, not trying to control them, ensures a lifetime supply of love. Here's the closest thing I know to a genuine love spell: "I'll always love you, and I really don't care what you do." This is not a promise to stay in a relationship with someone whose behavior is destructive. It's a simple statement that you aren't dependent on the other person's choices. That means you can respond to someone as he or she really is, instead of trying to force a fallible person to be infallible. Knowing that love (like all good things) is readily available, we don't need to control any individual. And oh, how people love being loved without a care.

Making the Switch

When I meet someone who's a mess of excess, I just itch to coach them. I know that if they'd reroute a few simple brain habits, their lives would improve almost effortlessly. The transformation wouldn't take much workno need to exhume childhood traumas or hook up an antidepressant IV. We'd just throw the neurological toggle switch that exchanges fight-or-flight mode (the sympathetic nervous system) for rest-and-relaxation mode (the parasympathetic nervous system). Most animals experience this switch in response to environmental

conditions. We humans possess an unparalleled ability to create it with our thoughts. It's almost too easy: Simply by taking your attention off thoughts of scarcity and persistently focusing on observations of abundance, you can replace the nervous, just-in-case mind-set that kept our ancient forebears alive but is killing many of us. The best way to effect this shift is to use these simple exercises: 1. List 10 times you thought that there wouldn't be enough of something and you survived. 2. List 10 areas where you have too much, not too little. 3. List 20or 50, or 1,000wonderful things that entered your life just at the right time, with no effort on your part. Start with the little things (oxygen, sunlight, a song on the radio). You'll soon think of bigger ones. Most of my clients realize that the most important things in their lives showed up this way. I started doing excercise 3 several years ago, and I still haven't finished my list. Once you deliberately focus on abundance, you'll be overwhelmed by all the good things that show up like manna in the desert, without much effort on your part. If this seems too easy, you can go back to fearful, just-in-case thinking (you'll need a diet counselor, a housekeeper, and a financial planner, but that's okaythey can substitute for friends). But if, like me, my business school students, and my clients, you decide to try just-in-time thinking, you'll find yourself struggling less and accomplishing more in ways you'd never expect. You may kick yourself for not discovering this sooner. Relax. I promise, you're just in time.

Help! The Best Way to Ask for What You Want

by Martha Beck Oprah.com | From the May 2006 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Having trouble with your computer? Your pile of bills? Your life? Help is out there if you know howand how oftento ask.
My friend Wes has a brilliant mind, a wicked sense of humor, and a fairly involved case of cerebral palsy. When he and his wife, Sue, bought their first house, Wes insisted it be as thoroughly modified for special needs as was his bachelor apartment. Sue argued that she could always do things for Wes that he couldn't do for himself. "No," he told her firmly. "One day we're going to have an argument, and on that day, I'll get hungry. I need to be able to make dinner for myself without asking you for help." Wes's physical constraints have made him highly sensitive to the way helping and being helped shapes relationships. Like him, most of us resist asking for something even when we need it. We have our pride. When a tired driver causes an accident or a lonely teen becomes homicidal or a depressed mom neglects her children, their failing to reach for aid isn't noble; it's criminally stupid. So how do we walk the tightrope between self-sufficiency and need? When and how should we ask for help? I'd argue that the solution is to follow Wes's example and answer such questions before the need arises.

Asking for help is psychologically risky because it triggers a mechanism in the human psyche called the norm of reciprocity. If you give me something money, advice, timeI must give something to you that we tacitly agree is of roughly equal value. Otherwise we won't sustain an amicable bond for long. Only the churlish keep score overtly, of course, but even generous people get uneasy when one party in a relationship takes and takes and takes without giving anything in return. Sociologist Alvin Gouldner called the norm of reciprocity a "plastic filler, capable of being poured into the shifting crevices of social structures, and serving as a kind of all-purpose moral cement." This means that the more I ask of you, the more everyone will expect me to repay youand what I can't repay in goods and services, I'll typically surrender in power and control. Children need constant attention and support from their parents, so society gives parents near-total control over them. The same used to be true for wives and husbands, slaves and masters, serfs and lords. Powerful people often infantilized, repressed, and deliberately enfeebled those they were "helping" in order to maintain dominance. For their part, the powerless struggled like hell not to ask for anything, since this drove them deeper into the position of weakness (hence Wes's remodeling project). There's one type of situation where the norm of reciprocity breaks down, where some even deeper instinct kicks in. Call it empathy, codependency, or grace: When humans see true need, we frequently offer help without expectation of repayment. For example, last week I stopped on a busy freeway to catch a very scared Boston terrier, call the number on its ID tag, and return it to its owner. I think I got more unalloyed pleasure from this simple event than from my own wedding. It felt fabulous to do a favor when it was really needed, no strings attached. The problem with the purely helpful side of human nature is that people, unlike dogs, take advantage of it. I once met an aspiring writera doll-faced woman I'll call Gloriawho had lost whole chapters of her half-finished novel because she didn't know how to back up her computer files. Thinking this was a lostpuppy situation, I hired a babysitter, went to Gloria's house, showed her how to save a file (point this, click that), and sat beside her while she repeated the procedure for each of 20 chapters. Early the next morning, my phone rang. "I wrote a new chapter!" Gloria chirruped. "Come over and show me how to back up the file!" I'm not sure what became of Gloria; I sort of lost touch with her after that. I mean seconds after. Now, I don't think Gloria was an evil manipulator. I think she felt genuinely incapable of saving the filebut my gut told me it was learned helplessness, not real need, and the norm of reciprocity inspired me to drop that potential friendship like a bad habit. My point: We should ask for help guilelessly, confident in human graciousnessbut only if it's absolutely necessary. If we abuse the privilege, we risk becoming pariahs. So how do I make this crucial judgment under

pressure? How do I know if I am about to get smushed on the freeway of life because I failed to seek aid, or become ditched by people who are sick of my manipulative begging? For answers, I turned to someone whose job it is to stay in the sweet spot of need. It's hard to imagine a more vulnerable population than the residents of the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. I'm visiting the NICU with parent liaison Dorothy Williams, who introduces me to the patients, most of whom weigh less than my mocha Frappuccino. No chubby cherubs here: These babies combine the heartbreaking scrawniness of the extremely old with the total inexperience of the extremely young. I'm moved to tears, partly by their fragility and partly by the complicated machines and devoted professionals around each tiny person, attesting to human determination to help the truly helpless. "It's the parents I focus on," says Dorothy. "They're exhausted, they're in shock, they have to take care of other kids and jobs and mortgages." I ask her if most parents tell her when they need help. "Oh," Dorothy says, "they always tell youeven when they won't tell you." I tell her that I'm not quite following. At this point, one of her coworkers says, "Well, I know it's time to help when they start asking how. 'How do I comfort my newborn?' 'How do I talk to my relatives?' 'How will we pay for this?' The more they ask how, the more they need help, and the more able they are to receive it." Dorothy nods. For me, this is a minor epiphany. The phrases I've always associated with asking for help are passwords of pathos: "Please, sir, I want some more." "Would you mind...?" "If it's not too much trouble..." These supplications ooze helplessness and mark the moment we turn over control to someone else. The word how is different. It's an active term, one that bridges the gap from powerless to empowered. I use it right away. "How," I say, "do I help people ask for help?" And just like that, Dorothy helps me figure it out. Here's the strategy that emerges from her kind assistance.

Get Help (A Primer)

1. Frame all your problems as how-to questions. Simply begging for aid when you feel overwhelmed is likely to make honest folks back away, while exploiters smell blood in the water. Instead, you might do better to phrase all your problems as "how" questions: "How do I break through the glass ceiling in this company?" "How should I go about changing this flat tire?" "How can I help cure AIDS?" Whether your problem is tiny or

monumental, asking "How...?" means you're a capable person in the process of becoming even more capablenot a charity case or a manipulator's mark. 2. Locate sources of information and insight. The more specific your how-to questions, the more quickly they'll lead to useful strategies or solutions from individuals, books, TV shows, Web sites, and a thousand sources you won't even notice until your attention is primed. The more actively you pursue the knowledge and skills to extricate yourself from a mess, the more new sources you'll locate. As New York Times columnist Thomas Friedman (among others) has pointed out, the accessibility of information has exploded so dramatically over the past few decades that humble individuals can now solve problems and perform feats once reserved for a few elite experts. 3. Take fishing lessons. To paraphrase the adage: If you wheedle a fish from someone, you'll eat for a day; if you wheedle advice from a great fisherman, you'll eat for a lifetime. The key here is that you're soliciting help that won't diminish the resources of the other person. Each person's supply of "fish" (funding, energy, time) is limited, but fishing know-how can be replicated infinitely, at negligible cost. Even if you're going with a money problem to your filthy-rich uncle, ask for education, not a handout. "Please give me money" is a self-disempowering request. "Please show me how to resolve this financial muddle" is a self-empowering one, even if Uncle Buckmeister also pitches in with a cash donation (which he's much more likely to do for a determined problem-solver than a simple beggar). 4. Receive with gratitude, not grasping. If you honestly set out to learn how to untangle your own snafus, you'll find that even people who shy away from raw neediness start offering advice. Whether you've asked for it or not, help that's given freely is part of grace, meaning that the only response necessary to satisfy the norm of reciprocity is gratitude. And what I mean by gratitude is not "Thanks...and what else can you do for me?" Grasping at help like a drowning swimmer tends to scare away the resources you've already got, as well as potential assistance. 5. Pay it forward. Once you start pushing the limitations of your own abilities and learning to solve your own dilemmas, you'll find that many people like Dorothy Williams at the NICU are actually out there looking for you, wanting to be of use to you. You're going to end up receiving support both material and intangible, much of which you couldn't repay if you wanted to (who could pay back the gifts of a great teacher?). At this point, the norm of reciprocity will express itself in you as a spontaneous desire (not obligation) to help others. You'll come to understand that asking for aid doesn't need to be dangerous. By playing an active part in your own deliverance, you'll get the most helpful thing of all: the realization that anyone angry spouse, lost pet, struggling novelist, tiny newborn, grieving parent, or you at your very worstis always well within the reach of grace.

20 Questions That Could Change Your Life

By Martha Beck Oprah.com | From the February 2011 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Finding the answers starts with posing the right questionsand Martha Beck has 20 to get you started.
If you're like most people, you became obsessed with questions around the age of 2 or 3, and scientists now know that continuing to ask them can help keep your mind nimble however old you eventually become. So when someone suggested I put together a list of the 20 most important questions we should all be asking ourselves, I was thrilled. Initially. Then I became confused about which questions to ask, because of course, as I soon realized, context is

everything. In terms of saving your life, the key question is, "Did I remember to fasten my seat belt?" In terms of saving money, "How much do I need to retire before I'm 90?" is a strong contender. If daily usefulness is the point, "What'll I wear?" and "What should I eat first?" might lead the list. And for the philosophically minded, "To be or not to be?" really is the question. Because I'm far too psychologically fragile to make sense of this subjective morass, I made the bold decision to pass the buck. The 20 questions that follow are based on "crowdsourcing," meaning I asked a whole mess of actual, freerange women what they thought every woman should ask herself. Thanks to all of you who sent in entries via social media. The questions included here are composites of those that were suggested most often, though I've mushed them together and rephrased some for brevity. Asking them today could redirect your life. Answering them every day will transform it. Next: What questions should you be asking yourself?

Finding the answers starts with posing the right questionsand Martha Beck has 20 to get you started.
1. What questions should I be asking myself? At first I thought asking yourself what you should be asking yourself was redundant. It isn't. Without this question, you wouldn't ask any others, so it gets top billing. It creates an alert, thoughtful mind state, ideal for ferreting out the information you most need in every situation. Ask it frequently. 2. Is this what I want to be doing? This very moment is, always, the only moment in which you can make changes. Knowing which changes are best for you comes, always, from assessing what you feel. Ask yourself many times every day if you like what you're doing. If the answer is no, start noticing what you'd prefer. Thus begins the revolution. 3. Why worry? These two words, considered sincerely, can radically reconfigure the landscape of your mind. Worry rarely leads to positive action; it's just painful, useless fear about hypothetical events, which scuttles happiness rather than ensuring it. Some psychologists say that by focusing on gratitude, we can shut down the part of the brain that worries. It actually works! 4. Why do I like {cupcakes} more than I like {people}? Feel free to switch out the words in brackets: You may like TV more than exercise, or bad boys more than nice guys, or burglary more than reading. Whatever the particulars, every woman has something she likes more than the somethings she's supposed to like. But forcing "virtues"trying to like people more than cupcakesdrives us to vices that offer false freedom from oppression. Stop trying to like the things you don't like, and many vices will disappear on their own. 5. How do I want the world to be different because I lived in it?

Your existence is already a factor in world historynow, what sort of factor do you want it to be? Maybe you know you're here to create worldwide prosperity, a beautiful family, or one really excellent bagel. If your impressions are more vague, keep asking this question. Eventually you'll glimpse clearer outlines of your destiny. Live by design, not by accident. 6. How do I want to be different because I lived in this world? In small ways or large, your life will change the worldand in small ways or large, the world will change you. What experiences do you want to have during your brief sojourn here? Make a list. Make a vision board. Make a promise. This won't control your future, but it will shape it. 7. Are {vegans} better people? Again, it doesn't have to be vegans; the brackets are for you to fill in. Substitute the virtue squad that makes you feel worst about yourself, the one you'll never have the discipline to join, whether it's ultra-marathoners or mothers who never raise their voices. Whatever group you're asking about, the answer to this question is no. 8. What is my body telling me? As I often say, my mind is a two-bit whoreby which I mean that my selfjustifying brain, like any self-justifying brain, will happily absorb beliefs based on biases, ego gratification, magical thinking, or just plain error. The body knows better. It's a wise, capable creature. It recoils from what's bad for us, and leans into what's good. Let it. 9. How much junk could a chic chick chuck if a chic chick could chuck junk? I believe this question was originally posed by Lao Tzu, who also wrote, "To become learned, each day add something. To become enlightened, each day drop something." Face it: You'd be better off without some of your relationships, many of your possessions, and most of your thoughts. Chuck your chic-chick junk, chic chick. Enlightenment awaits. 10. What's so funny? Adults tend to put this question to children in a homicidal-sounding snarl, which is probably why as you grew up, your laughter rate dropped from 400 times a day (for toddlers) to the grown-up daily average of 15. Regain your youth by laughing at every possible situation. Then, please, tell us what's funnyabout everyday life, about human nature, even about pain and fear. We'll pay you anything. Next: 10 more questions to think about.

Finding the answers starts with posing the right questionsand Martha Beck has 20 to get you started.
11. Where am I wrong? This might well be the most powerful question on our listas Socrates believed, we gain our first measure of intelligence when we first admit our own ignorance. Your ego wants you to avoid noticing where you may have bad information or unworkable ideas. But you'll gain far more capability and respect by asking where you're wrong than by insisting you're right. 12. What potential memories am I bartering, and is the profit worth the price? I once read a story about a world where people sold memories the way we can sell plasma. The protagonist was an addict who'd pawned many memories for drugs but had sworn never to sell his memory of falling in love. His addiction won. Afterward he was unaware of his loss, lacking the memory he'd sold. But for the reader, the trade-off was ghastly to contemplate. Every time you choose social acceptance over your heart's desires, or financial gain over ethics, or your comfort zone over the adventure you were born to experience, you're making a similar deal. Don't. 13. Am I the only one struggling not to {fart} during {yoga}? I felt profoundly liberated when this issue was raised on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update." Not everyone does yoga, but SNL reminded me that everyone dreads committing some sort of gaffe. Substitute your greatest shame-fear: crying at work, belching in church, throwing up on the prime minister of Japan. Then know you aren't alone. Everyone worries about such faux pas, and many have committed them (well, maybe not the throwing up on PMs). Accepting this is a bold step toward mental health and a just society. 14. What do I love to practice? Some psychologists believe that no one is born with any particular talent and that all skill is gained through practice. Studies have shown that masters are

simply people who've practiced a skill intensely for 10,000 hours or more. That requires lovingnot liking, lovingwhat you do. If you really want to excel, go where you're passionate enough to practice. 15. Where could I work less and achieve more? To maximize time spent practicing your passions, minimize everything else. These days you can find machines or human helpers to assist with almost anything. Author Timothy Ferriss "batches" job tasks into his famous "four-hour workweek." My client Cindy has an e-mail ghostwriter. Another client, Angela, hired an assistant in the Philippines who flawlessly tracks her schedule and her investments. Get creative with available resources to find more time in your life and life in your time. 16. How can I keep myself absolutely safe? Ask this question just to remind yourself of the answer: You can't. Life is inherently uncertain. The way to cope with that reality is not to control and avoid your way into a rigid little demi-life, but to develop courage. Doing what you long to do, despite fear, will accomplish this. 17. Where should I break the rules? If everyone kept all the rules, we'd still be practicing cherished traditions like child marriage, slavery, and public hangings. The way humans become humane is by assessing from the heart, rather than the rule book, where the justice of a situation lies. Sometimes you have to break the rules around you to keep the rules within you. 18. So say I lived in that fabulous house in Tuscany, with untold wealth, a gorgeous, adoring mate, and a full staff of servants...then what? We can get so obsessed with acquiring fabulous lives that we forget to live. When my clients ask themselves this question, they almost always discover that their "perfect life" pastimes are already available. Sharing joy with loved ones, spending time in nature, finding inner peace, writing your novel, plotting revengeyou can do all these things right now. Begin! 19. Are my thoughts hurting or healing? Your situation may endanger your life and limbs, but only your thoughts can endanger your happiness. Telling yourself a miserable mental story about your circumstances creates suffering. Telling yourself a more positive and grateful story, studies show, increases happiness. Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, choose thoughts that knit your heart together, rather than tear it apart. 20. Really truly: Is this what I want to be doing? It's been several seconds since you asked this. Ask it again. Not to make yourself petulant or frustratedjust to see if it's possible to choose anything, and I mean any little thing, that would make your present experience more delightful. Thus continues the revolution.

Are You On the Right Career Path?

By Martha Beck OWN TV | August 12, 2008

The dream is a lifetime of smooth sailing, but the reality is that sometimes we run aground. Martha Beck helps three women find the power (they had it all along!) to discover what really floats their boats.
A couple of years ago, pretty much everyone I know became a huge fan of the television series Heroes. The show's premise is that people all over the world begin discovering that they have superpowersthey can hear thoughts, manipulate the time-space continuum, become strong enough to break through steel bonds, etc. The kinds of things that couldn't possibly happen on this planet. Except they do. I watch regular people make these kinds of discoveries just about every other Thursday. Here's a metaphorical but only slightly exaggerated version of my typical coaching process. Some nice, ordinary-looking person comes to me and

says, "I'm Clark Kent, I'm Diana Princeand somehow my life got off course." Sometimes they say that perhaps in childhood or perhaps at work they zigged when they should have zagged, sailed south when they should have sailed north. "One morning," they say, "I woke up thinking, 'Is this really what I'm supposed to be doing with my life?'" "The problem isn't your situation," I always tell them (because it's always true). "The problem is your lenses." "My lenses?" the person says, looking at me as though the bloom is definitely leaving the rose. "I mean the way you see," I explain. "Your psychological perspective." I don't mention (yet) that I'm also alluding to Clark Kent's eyeglasses, which disguised his real identity. I know that whenever I can help an "ordinary person" remove a set of distorting perceptual lenseszap, pow, shazam!I'll see them levitate right off the floor, flexing steely muscles under neon-colored outfits. When this finally happens, it doesn't surprise me. But it usually shocks the hell out of the client. "Oh, my God!" says Superman or Wonder Woman. "Who am I? What am I doing? Holy transfiguration, Batman, what should I do next?" "I have no idea," I say. And at that point, we're finished. Because I'm not Batman, or the Forecast Phenom, or the Psychedelic Psychic, or whatever. I was born with just one superpower: the ability to see other people's superpowers. So I can tell you that pretty much everyone (including you) is a superhero, and that every superhero (including you) has an incredibly important life mission. Figuring out what that mission is? That's up to every individual hero (including you).

I'm telling you all this because my assignment for this month was to lifecoach three women who were unsure where they were supposed to be in life. Their path forward looked fuzzy. They thought this was because they were in confusing situations. But I saw each woman looking through her own particular sort of distorting lenses; the fuzziness wasn't in the surroundings but in the way they saw. At moments when your life appears bleak and the way forward indistinct, the same thing is almost certainly happening to you. Most people try to think their way out of these kinds of problems. From my perspective, however, adding more ideas to these three women's heads would be like forcing Clark Kent to add assorted sweaters, parkas, and goggles to his nerdy suit and specs. Finding your purpose and power requires stripping certain thoughts away like street clothes until you hit Lycra. My job with the three women I'd be coaching was to help them peel away illusions until their superhero identities emerged. While we're following their stories, I'll throw in some hints that may help you, too, take off your "normal" disguise and liberate your true, superhero self. Ordinary Person #1: The Self-Deprecator Ordinary Person #2: Stymied Ordinary Person #3: Thinking Small...Too Small

The Self-Deprecator
Ordinary Person 1 Jane Kropiewnicki, 48, from Elmwood Park, New Jersey
At 48, Jane Kropiewnicki had spent many years climbing the corporate ladder in a large metropolitan firm in the New York area. Now she was worried that she hadn't climbed high enough. Her concerns, she wrote, clustered around "the loss of my own independent identity, lack of purpose, squandering valuable and irreplaceable relationships, having plateaued and/or not having accomplished what I believe I should have for my age." Jane's self-description as a low achiever mystified me. Her rsum was impressive, her personality sterling. Right away, I asked her when she'd started feeling anxious about underperforming. "It was when my friend Larry moved out of the country," Jane said. "We weren't a couple, but we were incredibly close. With Larry supporting me, I never doubted myself." Since Larry's departure, Jane hadn't stopped achievingif anything, she'd become even more impressive. Yet she focused almost obsessively on her "underachievement." Like Groucho Marx swearing he'd never join a club that would accept him as a member, Jane never counted as a real accomplishment anything she was able to accomplish. This thought pattern was the set of distorting lenses through which Jane saw herself. "Jane," I said, "I'd like to hear the other side of your story. Haven't there been times you've done well at something important?" "Oh, of course," said Jane. "Lots of times." "Such as?"

"Such as..." Jane stopped. Long pause. "Um..." Very long pause. Jane laughed again, this time sounding embarrassed. "This is so weird! Why can't I think of anything?" "Because you've never practiced. You're so used to downplaying your accomplishments that being proud of yourself is like remembering calculus." Then I took a deep breath because I had an Important Concept to convey. "We all have unconscious assumptions about how other people judge us," I told Jane. "Psychologists call it the 'generalized other.' Larry used to dominate your generalized other; when he approved of you, that allowed you to believe you'd done well. Your problem isn't lack of achievement. It's waiting for someone else to convince you that your achievements are worthwhile." "Huh." Jane sounded startled. "Here's your homework," I told her. "List 100 things you've accomplished that are clearly valuable to you. Not Larry, not anyone else. Just Jane." "A hundred things?" Jane repeated, as though I'd asked her to locate a new planet. "For starters," I said.

The next time we spoke, Jane had come up with a list of times she'd been praised by others in her companya small step toward removing her mental distortions, but not enough to reveal Jane's superhero. Then we had a breakthrough. "I do stuff outside of work, but it's strange," Jane said. "Like skating." "Skating?" "Yeah, a few years ago I decided to start taking skating lessons. I know it's crazy, and a waste of time, but" "Wait a minute. You took up figure skating, and you have no idea why?" "I know, it makes no sense...." "Are you kidding?" I cried. "Jane, this is fabulous!"

I should explain why I was so excited, because articulating it might help you discover your own superpowers. Jane's skating was a perfect example of something I call the R2-D2 effect. R2-D2 was the normally obedient little robot in Star Wars who suddenly "malfunctioned" to deliver a secret message. This is how our superpowers often show up. It may

happen to you in large ways or small; you're just puttering along, then unexpectedly find yourself studying Turkish or buying jodhpurs or moving onto a houseboat. It just seems to happen, the way your heart beats and later your mind notices. Try making a list of times you had the R2-D2 impulses. (My list includes majoring in Chinese, writing my first book, and beginning to coach.) Focusing on such events will help trigger your superpowers. That's what happened to Jane. "So," I said, "how does skating make you feel?" "Well, sometimes awfulit's really hard. But sometimes I get into this zone.... It's like my mind disappears, and I can fly." At this point, I was done discussing Jane's aspirations for "achievement." She was achieving beautifully at work and in her relationships, but they weren't the crucial elements of her life right now. Skating, which liberated her body and soul, was. "This is wonderful!" I exulted. "Really?" Jane sounded confused. "But I'm no good, I'm too old. It's ridiculous." "What could be more important than learning to fly?" I'm continually amazed by the fact that people trash their treasures this way. Our minds fix on socially defined "achievements," but our real triumphs often happen when an R2-D2 impulse yanks us right off our rails and into rapture. I don't know exactly what role skating will play in Jane's life. Sure, it'll

keep her fit and produce neurochemicals that will continue to make her happy. But more important, skating happens to be the trigger that sets Jane's superself loose. When she skates, she becomes a conduit from the realm of pure joy into the realm of human experience. That's why it's so valuablenot to land Jane a part in the Ice Capades but to open the door to rapture, which she'll then learn to find in many other ways. If you, like Jane, feel you haven't done enough, achieved enough, become enough, you won't fix the problem by doing more. You'll need to drop the perceptual lens that says, "Impressing others will make me happy." A joyful life isn't about others; it's about the brightness that is associated with being alive. Your path to it is through anything that replaces thinking with pure flight, pure joy. True, following the R2-D2 response will put you into position to do mighty deeds. But that's a byproduct of embracing joy, whether it comes from skating, quilting, or pickle-making.

Stymied
Ordinary Person 2 Maida Barbour, 41, from Austin, Texas

You don't need X-ray vision to see that Maida Barbour is brilliant. Articulate, perceptive, and hilarious, she's the kind of person you'd imagine would have an Oscar stuffed somewhere in an artfully cluttered home office. Maida's sister wrote that when she was younger, "sometimes Maida scared me. She'd speak so confidently about her

aesthetic vision and philosophy...how she'd take on the world." But something went awry. She'd spent the past few years in Austin, Texas, limping along from job to joboffice manager at an IT firm, organizer of fairs for inventorstrying to find one that felt right. As Maida wrote: "I'm 41, and I still haven't figured out what I'm meant to be. I spent parts of the past 20 years working in film because it seemed like the richest, most creative field possible. But I never really found my niche. ... I want to make a living doing a job that fits me, but I don't even know what my job title is, let alone what credentials to get." I recognized Maida's combination of giftedness and aimlessness; some of my favorite people wear similar disguises. I also noticed that, while I loved Maida's witty, acerbic description of her own career struggles, she tended to talk in circles. "If you're going to be creative, you need to do something unprecedented," Maida said. "But of course, if there's no precedence for your work, no one accepts it." This self-defeating logic is typical of an alter ego I call the Clever Critic. Creative work can be incredibly hard, the odds of failure astronomical. To avoid this grueling, scary road, many geniuses think themselves into paralysis, finding reasons to abort their ideas almost before conceiving them. Maida's Clark Kent specs were wraparound sunglasses that looked oh so hip but kept her groping around in a very dark world. When I presented this theory, she agreed with me. "So what should I do?" she said. "Start working. Immediately. Daily. Religiously." "I guess I could write a book," she said. "I have some ideas."

"Brilliant! Grab a pen. Start now." "But I don't have the right credentials...," mumbled Maida, going into her Clever Critic. "My dear," I said, "if I had a dime for every time I've heard someone claim to need credentials that definitely aren't necessary and probably don't even exist, I could afford enough gum to last me a month." "That's a really lame image," said Maida. "I know," I growled. "And do you see that stopping me?" For the rest of that hour, we discussed several sophisticated, ingenious ideas for Maida's future books. "Fabulous," I told her. "Start writing three pages a day. No excuses." The next time we talked, she sounded different: wearier, warier, slightly on edge, like a Chihuahua in cold weather. The voice of a working artist. "I'm writing," she said, "but it's all garbage."

"Stop criticizing. Keep working." I knew that the longer Maida focused on her creative vision, instead of her visions of failure, the sooner she'd drop those ridiculous sunglasses and free her superpowers. Two weeks into her daily writing regimen, Maida's Clever Critic glasses suddenly cracked. "This would be a lot easier if I hadn't just quit smoking," she said. "All I want to do is write is a love letter to cigarettes." The hair stood up on my neck. For the first time, Maida's voice didn't sound clever; it sounded real. Raw, alive, filled with emotional energy. "Maida, this is it," I crowed. "Do you know how many people are trying to quit smoking? Do you know how much they need someone who's been there to talk them through it? Forget your other books! Write your love letter to cigarettes!" When an e-mail arrived that very day, I thought Maida's superhero was unleashed. But no, her message came from the paralyzing Clever Critic. Another author, it appeared, had a new book about quitting cigarettes. "This announcement," Maida wrote, "has stymied my enthusiasm." The email I sent back wasn't gentle: "As your coach (and I mean this lovingly), I am ordering you to cut the crap, cork the dithering in your brain, and write what you were planning to write. Now, soldier!" And by golly, it worked. I wish I could include the full text of Maida's "No Smoking" essay, which explained the difficulty of quitting in terms more vivid than I'd ever heard. Whether or not she knew it, she'd written not only about smoking but about hiding her creative superpowers behind infinite distractions: "All those times we don't know what to do, all those moments in every day when we need a moment of clarity or meditation, all those times we need so desperately just to fill, are all now as empty and open as promise itself.

... Hooray." You may be like Maidawho didn't feel as if she'd gone off course so much as missed finding a course at all. Maybe you feel as if you've been wandering in circles forever. As Maida wrote in her smoking piece, you can open to a promising future by dropping all excuses and putting your hopes and talents on the line. If you wear a Clever Critic outfit over your spandex capes and bulletproof sequins, if you bubble with great ideas that never quite solidifyand always find a good reason they can't happenyou're probably wearing blindingly dark lenses. To remove them, stop thinking and start creating. Every day, starting today, write the music, paint the picture, choreograph the dance. I'll cut you no slack, because I'm one of you. I'm writing this, dizzy with jet lag, between a late-night book signing and an early morning workshop in a foreign country. It's a hellish scheduleand it's heaven. Some days the work will go well, other days badly. No matter. You will find your heroic mission eventually, if you Do. The. Work.

Thinking Small...Too Small

Ordinary Person 3 Susan Greenwood, 56, from Silver Spring, Maryland
Susan Greenwood's superpower was evident to me within minutes of calling her at home in Silver Spring, Maryland. Her daughter had described Susan, 56, as "a spunky ladyreally smart, optimistic, powerful" but drowning in the demands of overly dependent relatives and a work situation that had become problematic. So I expected Susan to sound frazzled, unhappy. Instead, she was so calm that my breathing relaxed at the sound of her voice. So I knew that Susan's superhero was a Soother. Susan knew it too. She said so as we discussed the problem that had thrown her career off track. "It's upsetting," Susan said, "and I'm so disappointed. I've always been

able to solve differences peacefully. It's kind of, you know, my thing." As I got to know Susan better and heard more of her life story, I agreed emphatically that calming troubled waters was, indeed, her thing. A lawyer, she'd brought peace to warlike situations all her life, whether dealing with family conflicts or the adversarial legal system. As an African-American, she'd also found herself in countless situations where racial conflict seemed inevitable. Always, she'd handled herself with such grace that the fight went out of everyone, and harmony ruled. "Once, when I was expecting my daughter, I met a white woman who was dealing with an unexpected pregnancy. I'm fair-skinned, and she obviously didn't know my ethnic background, because she used the nword. I told her very politely that she was lucky to be talking to me, and not another person of color, or she might've run into a buzz saw." That was Susan, communicating kindly, clearly, and drolly about something that would have made anyone else's blood boil. And yet she still felt stuck. Her distorted lenses were similar to Jane's, minimizing an awesome superself. Her glasses, however, were like backward binoculars: She saw things accurately but thought they were much smaller than they actually were. I don't remember exactly what caused Susan to take off her metaphorical eyeglasses; I was so relaxed I'd stopped taking notes. I recall her saying, "My whole life, my ability to ease people past racial conflict has felt almost like a calling." Suddenly, I experienced a strange sense of dj vu. I could hear Susan's rich, warm voice coming not only through the phone but through microphones, televisions, radios. It was like remembering dozens of inspiring speeches I'd already heard. "Susan," I said, "say more about that. Say a lot more."

As she did, her prim normal-persona glasses, with their shrinking effect, slipped off, and her superhero self began stretching its powerful limbs. Susan's problems with work or relatives faded from our conversation these were flyspeck issues compared with the Super Susan's future adventures. Instead, we explored her lifelong suspicionno, make that knowledgethat she was meant to be a participant in the healing of what she called "America's great birth defect," the legacy of racism. She'd known this for a while, had imagined becoming a social activist, a speaker, a changer of lives and groups. But she'd been imagining it as a small thing, when her heart knew it was meant to be large.

I read Susan one of my all-time favorite quotations, from Marianne Williamson, the one that begins, "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure..." and adds, "Your playing small doesn't serve the world." Susan taped this quotation above her desk. She's using it as the basis for a new life plan a plan that will require all Susan's skill as an attorney, bureaucrat, and superhero healer of conflicts. Perhaps you, like Susan, feel in your bones that you have a big role to play in the world. But humility or worry may cause you to push the truth away. Your superhero self will feel confined and restless, and this may come out in dozens of small complaints or repeated dissatisfaction. Where Jane had to accept that something unorthodox, like midlife figure skating, could be more powerful than capturing lots of attention at work, Susan had to admit that her destiny will necessitate standing in the

spotlight. She's not doing this for the social cachet; it's her own R2-D2 effect, an impulse that comes from every cell of her bodyand always haswhen she drops her "humble" lenses and sees things as they are.

Freeing Your Inner Superhero So there you have it: My actual life-coaching process, which fits better on the pages of a comic book than a self-help treatise. I worked with Jane, Maida, and Susan for only a monthjust enough time to adjust their focus. All three started with firm objectives, which, as I hoped, they almost immediately abandoned. Although these were very different people, with dissimilar superpowers, I did the same thing with all of them, something you can easily do for yourself. Find the places where your beliefs are distorting your vision, and peel away those thoughts like the ill-fitting Clark Kent eyewear they are. Then you'll be free to embrace the rapture, do the work, accept the hero's quest. You and I might not have met, but because of my own superpower, I can tell you this: Your life is not little, and your playing small doesn't serve the world. Your living large, on the other handyour being your true self despite fear, fatigue, doubt, and oppositionwill serve the world more than you can imagine. In fact, it may help save it. And saving the world, after all, is what all heroes (including you) are here to do.

How Three Simple (But Powerful) Words Can Put You On the Path to Happiness
Oprah.com | From the January 2011 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

What do you need to make your dreams come true? Three wishes? Think again. Martha Beck on a goal-setting strategy that will get you where you want to go.

"Life would be so great," said Ilsa, a fledgling entrepreneur, "if I could just start a business to pay all my bills." Another client, Sue, wanted to have a baby. "Being a mom would make me happier than anything in the world," she told me. Like any codependent life coach, I wanted everything for Ilsa and Sue that they wanted for themselves. I longed for a magic wand that would let me bippityboppity-boo their dreams into reality, fairy godmotherstyle. Instead, I did the next best thing: I worked with them as they made to-do lists and financial plans and stocked up on computer software and folic acid. Although it seemed like a good idea at the time, my boosterism had some significant blowback. You see, Ilsa's business did succeed, but its rapid growth

required her to work like a pack mule. Sue eventually had a baby, who filled her heart with loveand her ears with colicky shrieking that nearly unhinged her. Both women were in more distress after achieving their goals than they'd ever been before. I blame myself. In my fairy godmother role, I should've paid less attention to logistics and probed deeper into the reasons Ilsa and Sue had focused on those particular ambitions, because stated goals are quite magical. They dictate our attitudes and behavior and where we put our energy. But using magic inexpertly, as most fables (and almost every Harry Potter movie) can attest, is a bad idea. After years of helping clients like Sue and Ilsa, I learned how to help people set goals to get what they want without unintended consequences. Words of Power The difference between a dangerous spellum, I mean goaland a safe, effective one has everything to do with parts of speech. Most goal setters use mainly nouns and verbs ("I want my business to succeed," "I want to have a baby"). This frequently leads to either outright failure or the kind of success that doesn't make people nearly as happy as they expect. But there's another class of words that work much betteradjectives. I've come to depend on adjectives because goals made of nouns and verbs are risky: They bring to mind "imagined situations," as opposed to "imagined experiences." The two are subtly but crucially different, and experiences, not situations, are always what we really want. Ilsa expected business success to produce feelings of contentment; Sue thought a baby would make her feel loved. Neither fully anticipated what would happen after they achieved their goals. By using adjectives, you can avoid this trap by focusing all your efforts on the quality of the experience you want to create. This process is harder than "normal" goal settingit requires some serious soul-searching and perhaps a good thesaurusbut it does pay off. Step One: Pick a goal, any goal. Think of a typical noun-verb goal, something for which you frequently hanker. Be honest rather than politically correct. Some people may have deep desires to establish world peace, stop global warming, and end poverty, but maybe you actually think more about, I dunno, reaching your target weight. And that's okay. This is not a beauty pageant (those contestants can afford to wish for world peace; they've all reached their target weight). What I want you to do is fess up to your real desires. Now pick the biggest, most ambitious one. Step Two: Gaze into the future. You don't need a crystal ball to see what's up ahead; the three pounds of gray matter between your ears will do fine. Use your brainpower right now to imagine what your life would be like if you realized the goal you just identified. Create a

detailed fantasy about it. Loiter there awhile, observing your dream-come-true with your mind's eyes, ears, nose, skin. Then, clear your mind and your throat: It's time for the magic words. Step Three: Generate adjectives. This is the heart of a really effective goal-spell. Begin listing adjectives that describe how you feel in your dream-come-true scenario. This is a simple task, but not an easy one. It requires that you translate holistic, right-brain sensations into specific, left-brain words. Author Craig Childs compares this to "trying to build the sky out of sticks." Spend enough time in your imagined situation to let your brain leaf through its vocabulary, scouting out accurate adjectives. In goal setting as in fairy tales, the minimum magic number is three. Don't stop until you have at least that many ways to describe those lovely feelings. My clients frequently try to squirm out of the process by muttering, "It's hard to explain," or "Oh, I don't know," or "I can't describe it." Well, of course it's hard to explain; yes, you do know; and if you keep trying, you can too describe it. Your adjectives don't have to be eloquent; use simple words like energetic, focused, delighted, andfine. But you owe it to yourself to persevere until you've found some reasonably descriptive words. Three of 'em. Write them down and then share them below in the comments: 1.____________________ 2.____________________ 3.____________________ Step Four: Focus on anything that can be described with your adjectives. Drop the fantasy situation you imagined in step two and concentrate on those adjectives. You might notice that these three words bring your stated goal into sharper focus. For instance, if your New Year's resolution is to lose ten poundsa noun-verb goalbut your adjectives are strong, confident, and healthy, you might realize that your actual aim is to get fit. You would see that the strategy you came up with to diet (i.e., eating your weight in hydroponic cabbage) might leave you thinner but also recumbent on a couch without the energy to leave the housewhich isn't what you really want. Thanks to adjectives, you can fine-tune your strategy: Swap a fad diet for a meeting with a nutritionist, and sign up for weight training classes at the gym. Sometimes tweaking isn't enough. Your adjective goal might utterly contradict your stated goal. Time to rethink that original target. For example, if you think you want to win an Academy Award, you may imagine your Oscar acceptance speech, and feel "valued, satisfied, and unstoppable." If you think that only a night at the Kodak Theatre will lead to those feelings, you might spend years obsessively pursuing movie stardom, ignoring everyone and everything except your ambition. Odds are you still wouldn't win an Oscar, but you'd probably get a rapacious ego that could inhale all manner of rewards without even noticing

them. On the other hand, if you immediately begin focusing on aspects of your present life that make you feel valued, satisfied, or unstoppable, you'll feel an instant lift. All sorts of things may happen. Sure, you might win an Oscar. But if you don't find yourself onstage, blurting out that the statue sure is heavy, you'll be left with...a pretty good life. You might even find that as you follow the things that make you feel appreciated, you've tripped into an entirely different career. So starting now, survey your life for anything (I mean anything) that can be described with any of those three words. Putting all your attention on those aspects of your life will make you happier right now and help you create future situations that fulfill your true desires. The Science of Good Magic I realize that all this sounds a little woo-woo, but psychological research on happiness backs up my strategy. Over and over, researchers studying happiness have found that the situational elements people cravemoney, social status, possessionsdon't reliably lead to an experience of well-being. By contrast, learning to find joy in the present moment (a.k.a. focusing on experiences you truly want in your life) increases life satisfaction, improves health, and allows us to live longer, more fulfilling lives. My clients form my own database of sorts, convincing me that good goal-setting magic is (to use the social science terms) robust and valid. For example, when I asked Ilsa to go back in time and imagine what she once thought she'd get from a successful business, she described herself with the adjectives relaxed, joyful, andsecure (ironically, the demands of her wildfire success made her feel tense, joyless, and insecure). When she scanned her life for activities and relationships that made her feel aligned with those adjectives, she found them everywhere: in gardening, reading novels, playing with her niece. "Damn!" she told me. "I'd already succeeded before I succeeded!" Indeed. In Sue's case, remembering how she'd expected motherhood to make her feel yielded the adjectives loved, rejuvenated, and emotionally replenished. She realized that her noun-verb goal (having a baby who's beautiful and also colicky) actually created the opposite of her adjective goalshe felt unappreciated, haggard, and drained. It turned out that her magical adjectives described the way she felt when connecting with old friends. Both Ilsa and Sue managed to give more attention and time to the things that evoked the feelings they really wanted. (That's the beauty of adjective-based goals: They can work even when you're already suffering the consequences of unwise noun-verb spells.) Ilsa carved out time for reading and gardening; Sue put the baby in the bouncy seat and caught up with friends on Facebook. These efforts helped Ilsa and Sue work and parent better, and handle the difficulties conjured by their original goals, all of which eased my fairy godmother guilt. In other words, we lived happily ever after. So if you find yourself longing for some idealized goal, take a moment to go fishing for adjectives. Then use them to identify the aspects of your life that are already drawing you toward your

heart's desires. Focusing on these people and activities will lead you gently toward even more fulfilling experiences. One day you may find yourself in a situation more interesting and delightful than anything you ever imagined. Listen closely and you'll hear my annoying little voice in your head, whispering, Bippity-boppity-boo.

How To (Finally!) Keep Your New Year's Resolutions

By Martha Beck Oprah.com | From the January 2010 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

If, like Martha Beck, you've failed to keep your resolutions, has she got a way for you to succeed this year: by joining forces with the people you least resemble (and, often, most want to throttle).
Last year four of my friendsMarlene, Ellie, Karla, and Chipall resolved to get in shape and lose weight. Now, these people had never met, so the odds of their making exactly the same resolution wereactually quite predictable, since pretty much everybody puts fitness on their New Year's resolutions list. There are rumors of humans who've never resolved to eat less and move more, but until scientists discover concrete evidence (hair, fibers, DNA-smeared doughnut boxes), we must assume they exist only in hallucinations of ordinary people who've been weakened by months and months of dieting. At any rate, by last February all my friends had fallen off the resolution wagon and were munching their way to larger clothing sizes and a profound sense of failure. Something similar may happen to you this year, whatever your resolutions.If it does, don't blame your weak will; blame isolation. Research shows that humans tend to do difficult things much better in teams and groups

than on their own. I suggest that this year you seek a specific type of goaloriented companionship I call the Fellowship of the Resolution. The Virtue of Motley Crews If you loved J.R.R. Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings (or hated it but absorbed the plot because of peer pressure), you'll recall that the Fellowship of the Ring was a team consisting of hobbits, humans, a dwarf, a wizard, and an elf. Although these species usually avoided one another, their disparities turned out to be essential for saving Middle Earth. The Fellowship met monsters only a hobbit could trick, caves only a dwarf could spelunk, spells only an elf could counter, and orcs whose strength could be overcome only by Viggo Mortensen's flexing of his facial muscles, paralyzing the beasts with acute awareness of their inferior looks. When it comes to New Year's resolutions, you, too, need a Fellowship. But it's not enough to enlist your longtime BFFsthe buddies you've known forever, who think and act just like you. As Tolkien's story suggests, the key to success is teaming up with people who are emphatically not on your wavelength. This is especially true in behavioral patterns called conative styles.

How You Do That Thing You Do

When people talk about change, they often emphasize affective factors, which shape our feelings, and cognitive differences, which influence thinking. They overlook patterns that relate to doing. According to Kathy Kolbe, a specialist in learning strategies, conation is the aspect of human consciousness that determines how we tackle any task. She has identified four conative styles:

"Quick start" adherents swing directly into action, making creative discoveriesand mistakesthrough trial and error. "Fact finders" need information; they're the friends who'll research every relevant factoid about any task they're preparing to undertake. "Follow through" people naturally use methodical systems: They set up files for every receipt and alphabetize their refrigerator contents. "Implementers" focus on physical objects and environments; they figure out things by building models or grabbing the appropriate tools. They respond better to bricks and mortar than castles in the air.

If necessary most of us can tap into and use all four conative styles, but we tend to favor one or two of these behaviors. Yet conatively, as in every other area of life, too much of one style can be a weakness. For instance, consider the "failure modes" of the four dieters I mentioned earlier: Marlene, who favors quick-start action, leaped straight into an organic raw-food diet. Two weeks into her regimen, her hunger and

disgruntlement triggered a backslide to a menu of cupcakes and beer, which Marlene maintains today.

Ellie, who prefers the fact-finder conative style, never actually began dieting or exercising. She's still researching and evaluating fitness programs, using a process so detailed she'll finish her analysis next July (at the earliest). Karla, as a follow-through, has a zest for systems, so she joined a reputable weight loss program, which was perfectexcept that she hated it. The weekly weigh-ins terrified her, and the prescribed food had all the epicurean appeal of bat guano. After a month, she began sleepeating peanut butter.

Chip, with his love of the concrete implementer strategy, drastically cut his food intake while quadrupling his level of exercise. Back spasms soon landed him in bed, where he began inhaling polymer-based foodlike products from the minimart to ease his frustration. They each failed because their closest friends share their conative preferences, which means they had no one to help them in the areas where they were weak. But if these four very different people linked up as a Fellowship, things might have turned out differently. Marlene's dynamic quick-start energy could have pushed Ellie past her analysis paralysis. Ellie could have researched a weight loss system more suited to Karla's taste. Karla's methodical approach could have pointed Chip toward a sustainable exercise program, and away from the weekend warrior syndrome. And Chip's enthusiasm for three-dimensional places and processes could have inspired the women to hit the gym more often. (There are many more benefits this Fellowship might have discovered, but you get the idea.)

Forming Your Fellowship

Because I'm aware of conative styles, I never set out toward a difficult goal without a team of opposites. I know that I mostly prefer quick-start action and hands-on implementer creativity, and I feel about strict systems the way tigers feel about vegetarianism ("Are you fricking kidding me?"). So when I started my own business, I hired my friend Yvonne, who's high in both follow-through and fact finder, to run it. Yvonne and I knew from the outset that we'd butt heads. Her meticulous system maintenance makes me want to drive cactus spines into my skull, while my frequent leaps into the unknown give Yvonne nightmares. But we both know that our very differences make us a damn fine Fellowship. With me spewing ideas like the chocolate assembly line in I Love Lucy and Yvonne insisting that

everything get properly packaged and inventoried, we've created things neither of us could have managed on our own. You can achieve similar success this New Year by forming your own Fellowship of the Resolution. First, identify your own behavior style. You can do this for a moderate fee on Kathy Kolbe's Web site ( kolbe.com ; $50), or you can figure it out yourself using the loose descriptions in this column (if you go the former route, you're probably high in follow-through or fact finder, while taking the fastand-loose approach suggests you have quick-start tendencies). Please remember that you may enjoy one or two action styles, but virtually no one is high in all four. Next, you want to find people who prefer action styles you avoid. Meeting people with your conative complements isn't hard, though teaming up with them will feel a little weird. Remember, hobbits and elves and dwarfs and men were uneasy with each other, toobut just think what would have happened to Middle Earth if any of them had been omitted from the mix! We'd all be slaves in Mordor right now! As you assemble your Fellowship, you can once again refer to Kathy Kolbe's Web-based evaluation (having your collaborators take the official conation test), or you can shoot from the hip. Since we now understand that I personally am a hip-shooter, I've assembled some guidelines for targeting people you might want in your Fellowship. This involves knowing your own conative dislikes and going directly toward them, rather than running away from them: If you have trouble getting started on difficult projects, look for a quickstart companion the person who shocks you by getting married, moving house, or adopting a pack of dogs mere hours after coming up with the idea.

If you absolutely hate doing research, never reading the entire recipe or instruction manual before starting to cook or assemble furniture, you need to find yourself a fact finderthe kind of person who won't so much as wash her hair without first googling every ingredient in her shampoo.

If you love creative chaos and can't stand systematic repetition, add a follow-through to your Fellowship. This will be the friend whose closets are organized by clothing style, color, date purchased, and price (adjusted regularly to account for market fluctuation).

If you'd rather not grapple with the actual objects involved in your resolution (reorganizing your office, getting and using a yoga mat, devising an ingenious machine that gives you a powerful electric shock each time you reach for the potato chips), you should team up with an implementer. She'll be the one who raves about the joy of installing her own bathroom tiles or taking trapeze lessons from circus acrobats.

A general rule is that your best partner will be the person who makes you shake your head in disbelief and mutter, "I guess it takes all kinds." Because it does. (And it may help to remember that your conative compadres will be looking at you the same way.) One more hint: Because most people are moderately or very strong in more than one conative area, your Fellowship could be formed with just one companionif that person is strong in the one or two areas in which you are weak. Once you've got your group in place, I recommend that you take a little bit of time to discuss your opposites-attract strategy with your Fellowship. Yvonne and I work together successfully because we've always acknowledged our conative differences. When I hanker to move faster than Yvonne, she reminds me, "Settle down, woman! You hired me to be a follow-through!" When she yearns for a coworker who doesn't think quite so much like a Labrador retriever, I point out that my quick-start enthusiasm gives her a whole lot of things to organize. Do the same with your Fellowship, and you'll remind yourself that everyone benefits when all four conative styles are covered. This year I'm going to urge Marlene, Ellie, Karla, and Chip to join forces. Once people assemble in such unlikely Fellowships, they realize an equally unlikely result: success. Whether your resolution is to lose weight, budget better, cut back on Internet poker, or slog to Mordor carrying the Ring of Doom, finding your motley crew of opposites will help you make it all the way to your goals and the Fellowship itself, I believe, will bring great joy. Especially if it includes Viggo Mortensen.

Transition Anxiety
Oprah.com | From the August 2007 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

You're so absorbed in the moment that you don't realize it's passed. And yet you keep hanging on. Martha Beck explains how to get unstuck.
Emma is a poster girl for Newton's first law of motion: Once she starts doing something, she just keeps doing it until acted upon by some external force. Each day when Emma's alarm clock rings, she drowsily hits the snooze button several times. The shower, when she finally gets there, is so steamy and

fragrant, she lingers twice as long as strictly necessary. She dresses hurriedly, only to check the mirror and change. And so it goes: Coffee savoring takes 15 minutes; lipstick experimentation, five minutes; car key searching, another 10. Emma often arrives at the office latebut that's okay, because once there, she works into the night, until an external force in the form of her frustrated husband calls to see if she's alive. Emma stays up late to offer compensatory companionship, ensuring that in the morning, when the alarm clock rings, she'll be too tired to get up. People either think Emma is an inconsiderate laggard or they shrug off her chronic difficulty making transitions, give her lavish time cushions, and judge her based on anything but punctuality. There's a key difference between people who become irritated with Emma and those who share Emma's inability to segue from one thing to the next. The first group has what is known as a monochronic time sense. They see time as fixed, rigid and absolute. On the other side of the spectrum, folks who are polychronic see time as loose and elastic. Any moment, to a polychrone, is capable of holding many things. Which of these descriptions (borrowed from anthropologist Edward T. Hall) fits you best? See below, or take the quiz! Monochrones...

Do one thing at a time. View time commitments as critical. Are committed to jobs (projects and tasks). Adhere religiously to plans. Emphasize promptness, always. Are accustomed to short-term relationships. Do many things at once and are highly distractible. View time commitments as objectives. Are committed to people and relationships. Change plans often. Base promptness on the significance of the relationship. Have a strong tendency to build lifelong relationships.

Polychrones...

You're so absorbed in the moment that you don't realize it's passed. And yet you keep hanging on. Martha Beck explains how to get unstuck.
Entire cultures can be polychronic or monochronic. In a polychronic country, dinner may continue throughout the night, and appointment times are suggestions, not space-launch absolutes. But First World cultures (except maybe Mediterranean ones) are extremely monochronic. Our high-tech society requires human synchronization on a massive scale: Huge numbers of us must show up at precisely agreed upon places, at precisely agreed upon times. As we've used technology to cram our schedules with more things to do, shaving away ever-slimmer time margins, we're reaching extremes that test the mettle of even thoroughbred monochrones. The slamming thud of the seconds passing on the TV series 24 could be our anthem of angst. It's gone so far that one expert calls First World countries chronocracies, in thrall to rigid scheduling. And for people like Emma, this can be disastrous. Each of us is capable of functioning in either a polychronic or monochronic way. A New Yorker in the South Seas might gradually slow down and learn to enjoy telling time by the position of the sun. By the same token, a Polynesian working on Wall Street must adapt to strict timing. I'm not quite as polychronic as Emma, but even for me, life in America feels like perpetually rushing to five-alarm emergencies in an ambulance pulled by stoned cats. We polychrones can't help that our attention wanders off in random directions, or that we focus on interesting sensations to the point of total amnesia and blithely forget birthdays and deadlines. We get into every known species of trouble: Colleagues bristle when they're kept waiting, family members wonder if we're lying dead in a ditch. Losing awareness of time seems bizarre to more formally structured minds, and claiming "not guilty by reason of polychronicity" just doesn't wash with, say, the IRS. The solution to this problem isn't to do away with polychronic tendencies altogether. That would leave the world a poor place indeedwe'd have to eliminate all 2-year-olds, not to mention poets and snowboarders. I personally

think our whole society could use a more laid-back approach, but a massive cultural shift doesn't appear to be imminent, so we polychrones have to find some way to be ourselves without losing our jobs, offending our associates and yammering a constant stream of half-baked apologies. How? We must learn something I call the art of the dismount.

The Art of the Dismount

Emma has spent most of her life trying to force herself to be on time. This rarely works, because it addresses the wrong aspect of the problem. Like most polychrones, Emma isn't reluctant to start Thing #2 but to stop Thing #1. Disengaging from a given activity is the key to living on schedule. By choreographing and practicing the skill of ending, even polychrones can stay (roughly) on schedule, no matter how much we want to linger. I've found the following steps essential to a successful dismount. Accept Transition Trauma "Parting is such sweet sorrow," said Juliet to Romeo, "that I shall say good night till it be morrow." Romantic, yesbut please recall that both star-crossed lovers bought the farm before reaching legal drinking age. The moral: If you can't stand making the little transitions, you may end up making big ones you don't like. Although disengaging feels to us polychrones like having our molars pulled, transition trauma is brief (it goes away as soon as you're engaged with the next activity), and it's much better than most alternatives. Decide right now to accept the sweet sorrow of parting, rather than the bitterness of being fired, dumped or wage garnished. Plan Your Dismount Backward Polychrones make vague, hopeful estimates about the speed at which we can get things done. We fail to plan for mistakes, distractions, traffic jams. Backward planning with worst-case scenarios can solve this problem. For example, Emma might plan her morning transition from home to work by beginning with the time she plans to walk into her office (say, 8 a.m.), then thinking through her morning in reverse, adding up the maximum time it might take her to ride the elevator, negotiate traffic, locate her keys, tinker with her makeup, bask in the shower, etc. Writing down this schedule and posting it somewhere visible will annoy Emma intensely but will help her stay on track in the morning. Say Goodbye Before You Say Hello If solitary activities are hard for polychrones to end, social events can be absolute nightmares. Thinking you'll figure out how to disengage from a gathering when it's already in progress is like a gymnast planning to come up with the idea for her dismount halfway through an Olympic routine on the uneven bars. Before you enter social situations, I suggest that you write yourself a little "dismount script," and rehearse it. Remember that you may have to say goodbye in several different ways before the tentacles of connection actually break: "Listen, this has been terrific, but I've got to run." "I'll give you a buzz

next week, right?" "Okay, see you then!" "Take care!" Practice standing up and walking away as you recite these farewells. By the time you reach the door, even other polychrones will have resigned themselves to the fact that you're leaving.

You're so absorbed in the moment that you don't realize it's passed. And yet you keep hanging on. Martha Beck explains how to get unstuck.
Set Up Redundant Reminders Polychrones need redundant "Stop!" reminders the way airplanes need multiple engines, each of which can fly the plane solo should the others fail. I set my alarm-clock watch to go off 15 minutes before I need to stop doing something. The alarm sounds every five minutes until I deactivate it, letting everyone know I need to leave (although one polychrone friend, hearing the beep-beep for the third time, burst out, "What does that thingwant?"). If you're a true polychrone, get backup support from human beings to supplement mechanical reminders. I explain to everyone I deal withcoworkers, children, friendsthat I'm transitionally challenged and they should call me on my cell phone if I'm even a few minutes late. Such calls often come in when I'm happily writing or rearranging the furniture. The monochrones in my life are so organized, they have no trouble remembering to remind me to show up. Give the Dismount Half the Energy Gymnasts who fail to "stick the dismount" get lower scores than those who muff a move earlier in their routines. Because endings are so memorable, they deserve about half the total energy you spend on any given activitythat's right, half. This doesn't mean someone with transition anxiety should sprint off midway through lunch or a business meeting. Setting up your dismount means that you stop beginning new tasks or raising another idea, and begin moving toward closure. Start winding up your conversation, tidying the kitchen, organizing your documents, putting things away. Say, "So, what do you plan to do next?" or "Let's summarize our ideas for finishing this job." At the halfway point of writing an article, perhaps, stop describing the problem and start herding up solutions. (That's what I did here, and, believe me, it hurt.) I need to repeat: Wrapping up an event and getting comfortable closure requires about 50 percent of the time and energy you'll put into any given project, from a chat to a championship. Just as judges are impressed by a double-twisting forward layout finale, people will remember your performance fondly if the dismount has lots of energy. Emma and the rest of us can start improving our lives simply by recognizing that we were born with looser internal clocks, which is a little like being left-handed

in a world of right-handed can openersnot a huge disability but one that requires a little forethought, many Post-its, and, for key appointments, a marker that shows up well on skin. This acceptance allows us to begin dealing effectively with life in our local chrono-cracy. We can design, rehearse, and enlist help to master the art of the dismount. Then we can add our polychronic charm to the manic madness of modern society, without missing any crucial appointments. Which reminds me, I have to scoot, or I'll be late for a meeting. That wasn't so hard, was it?

The Sponge People

Oprah.com | From the June 2006 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Martha Beck explains how to protect yourself from inadvertently taking in other people's stress.
Virginia is a medical researcher who came to see me in a last-ditch attempt to deal with overwhelming negative emotions that tended to beset her at work. She liked her job, but when she interacted with certain colleagues, she was flooded with anxiety, sadness, indignation and other inexplicable feelings. Virginia was sure those reactions came from her own neuroses, but therapy hadn't fixed the problem. After talking to her for half an hour, I thought I knew why. "I don't think you're neurotic," I told her. "I think you're spongy." I explained that

some people put out a lot of emotional energyher noxious coworkers, for exampleand others pick up a lot of it, like Virginia. She stared at me as though she'd just noticed crunchy granola spilling from my ears. In her orthodox science worldview, my Theory of Emotional Sponginess was definitely not kosher. But I've seen so many people struggling with the effects of this mysterious phenomenon that I now take it for granted. Not everyone is spongy like Virginia, but those who are can learn to protect themselves from inadvertently taking in other people's stress. Ever since Emile Durkheim's landmark work Suicide appeared in 1897, sociologists have accepted the possibility that self-slaughter can be communicable. So can panic, laughter, hope, violence, financial strategies, and the urge to solve Rubik's Cubes. Behaviors, moods, and fads seem to infect people just like germs, spreading through populations in epidemic waves. A few researchers have tried to pinpoint the mechanism of contagious psychological phenomena. For example, biologist Rupert Sheldrake, PhD, studies the experience of "telephone telepathy"knowing who's calling on the phone before you answer it. When subjects were asked to guess which friend or relative was calling them, they were far more accurate than would be expected by chance. When the callers were strangers, though, their guesses were statistically random. Sheldrake concluded that we can sense when people we care about are thinking about us, even at great distances. We all know this is irrational. How embarrassing, then, that so many of us have had the experience of knowing who's calling the second the phone rings, or even a few seconds before. How unbelievable that my son, who has Down syndrome, regularly talks to me about things I'm thinking, even when I haven't said a word out loud. How ridiculous that so many of my clients, like Virginia, walk away from interpersonal interactions flooded with whatever emotions happen to ride in on the coattails of their associates.

Martha Beck explains how to protect yourself from inadvertently taking in other people's stress.
"Humor me," I tell Virginia. "Let's try something. Hold out your arm, parallel to the floor. I'm going to push down on your hand. You resist me. Keep your arm stuck out straight." Virginia plays along, and I give several experimental pushes. Sometimes as I push, I think, You're a terrible person! Sometimes I think, You're fabulous! I try to keep the pressure consistent and my face expressionless. Just as I expect, Virginia's arm feels much stronger when I'm thinking positive thoughts about her. When my thoughts are negative, she's as weak as a kitten. Virginia doesn't like this. She frowns and demands many repeats, just as I did when I learned this homespun experiment from two social-scientist friends. I was stunned at how noodle-like my arm became when my friends thought

negative things about me. Since then I've repeated this process with dozens of clients. When speaking to groups, I often choose two volunteers (one pusher, one pushee), who test their strength as everyone else in the room thinks critical or supportive thoughts about the person being pushed. I give the crowd random hand signalsthumbs up for nice vibes, thumbs down for mean onesthat can't be seen by the volunteers. The group's thoughts should not affect the subject's strength. But they almost always do. Grab some friends and try this experiment yourself. If your group is anything like the ones I've worked with, you or your compadres will find your arm strength varying in response to one another's thoughts. Perhaps one of you will insist that this shift happens because you were communicating subtle cues through facial expression, body language, or some other physical action. Could be true, but whatever the mechanismtelephone telepathy or imperceptible physical signsthe fact is that many people are sitting ducks for social contagion. If this experiment doesn't affect youif your arm strength doesn't vary depending on what other people are thinkingfeel free to become a repossession officer or divorce lawyer. What the heck, run for president. You'll continually interact with people who dislike you, but it won't bother you a bit. Shielding yourself from a coworker's or family member's stress or high-pitch negativity requires constructing a suit of psychological armor. Most of my clients, Virginia included, can do this simply by visualizing a situation in which they feel deeply calm. Picturing the best day you spent with your funniest friend or remembering a day at the beach with your dog might be enough protection for you. Extremely spongy people may have to try a number of visualizations before finding the right defense. Check for effectiveness with the arm test: Ask your friends to come back over; keep holding different positive images in your mind's eye until you find that your arm is able to retain its muscle strength no matter what ugly thoughts others are sending your way. The delightful thing about this kind of safeguard is that it allows nourishing energy to reach you but deflects the stuff that's poisonous.

Martha Beck explains how to protect yourself from inadvertently taking in other people's stress.
I wrote a checklist on the back of a business card so that Virginia could read over it in emergency situations and learn to "armor up." A is for Acknowledge Spongy people who start to feel uneasy in company will often dismiss or tamp down their feelings, but a better idea is to let those emotions loose. Like a spiking fever in an ill patient, the wave of emotion is the beginning of the healing process. R is for Recognize

What, exactly, does the emotion feel like? You may realize that the feeling fits the person next to you better than it does you (you're angry when they've been wronged, anxious when they're stressed out). The mismatch is evidence that a feeling is contagion based. M is for Monitor Sometimes the difference between your feelings and the other's is hard to describea bit like the difference between nutmeg and cinnamonbut you might be able to discern which is which if you track what happens in your psyche before, during, and especially after you've been around specific people. You'll begin to notice patternsthat you're always angry after dinner with one friend or nervous after a day with your high-strung aunt. O is for Observe The most powerful tool for emotional detachment is observation. As a highly contagious person gets closer to you, watch the interaction and resulting emotions as if you were a third partysomething like "Huh, there's that surge of envy I always get around jealous Marcella." Active observation can help the spongiest person detach. R is for Relax If simply noticing the extra sensations rattling around your consciousness isn't enough of a remedy, take a deep breath and exhale completely while relaxing all your muscles. Negative energy will lessen. Space is for Space The gap between the words armor and up is a reminder to get real physical distance from emotionally contagious people. Walk into the next room. Take a potty break. If only for a minute, find a little private turf to continue watching your mind, breathing deeply, and relaxing physically. U is for Understand Few contagious people are deliberately trying to upset others; most are unaware that their anger or frustration or post-work venting can affect more yielding friends and family. Understanding that this is simply the way they're built frees you to tap into your compassion for them. If a stressed-out person wants to inflict her anxiety on youand she's successful at itsimply realizing that you have methods to block social contagion can help you feel far less susceptible to it. P is for Protect The last step in the "armor up" process is to return to the mental image (or images) that connects you to the peaceful balance of your core self. Maintain your psychological shield by spending a few minutes a day visualizing this image, say, while you're driving or washing dishes. The idea is to make the image easily accessible, a way of keeping your armor at the ready. If you're a bit spongy, vulnerable to the unsettling energy of others, count yourself lucky. You've been given an incentive to armor up, to consciously screen out the ubiquitous stresses that afflict humanity. Create your shining suit,

keep your checklist on hand, and head out into battle, knowing that the power to keep yourself safe from social contagion is one thing you'll always find within.

The Information Superflood: Stay Afloat In A Sea of Texts, Tweets, and E-Mails
By Martha Beck Oprah.com | From the March 2010 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

If you find it hard to manage the flood of information out there news alerts, tweets, and e-mails that could improve your life or waste your timeMartha Beck has strategies that will help you float effortlessly above it all.
Is your life on track? Not so long ago, this question seemed eminently sensible. Everyone was trying to get on track, stay on track, move further down the track. We all chugged along like Thomas the Tank Engine, making scheduled station stops (schools, corporations, banks) to pick up the usual cargo (education, job, house) and passengers (friends, spouses, children). A divorce, illness, or job loss constituted catastrophic derailment. Everyone's goal was to claim, "You betcha, my life's on track!" Today that answer makes no sense. Because, honey, there is no track. Not

anymore. We're living through the most dramatic era of change in human history. A flood of new technologies and accompanying social transitions has altered everything. It's not just that we're on the receiving end of a torrent of messages, texts, and e-mails. The way we interact and build relationships has been turned upside down; whole careers and industries have been swept away. There's so much to do, to know, to learn, to masterand the floodwaters are rising. To negotiate this new normal, we don't need locomotives. We need kayaks. Now, it's not easy, letting go of the chugga-chugga, iron-engine mind-set. Kayaking, after all, is much less stable than riding a train, but these days, that's a huge advantage. This new approach allows you to go with the flow of change, turn quickly in any direction to avoid danger or pursue opportunity, pop upright again after you've gone under entirely (try doing that on a train). Once you've learned a few paddling skills, you'll find that your nimble craft can ride the tide of change, accessing all sorts of interesting places and things no train could ever reach. Paddling Skill #1: Don't Swallow the River I've noticed that people who are still in train-track mode try to handle every demand or request that reaches them. That's like trying to drink the Nile. You just can't do everything. You shouldn't try. When your to-do list threatens to spill over, examine every item on it while asking two questions: 1. Is this task absolutely necessary to keep my life afloat? 2. Does this task buoy me up emotionally? If the answer to either of these questions is yes, do the deed. If not, do nothing. Let that problem or opportunity float past you. Wave and smile, if you like, but don't bring inessential, unpleasant things on board. Your kayak isn't big enough. Anything unnecessary could sink you. Right now my various mailboxesvoice, paper, and electroniccontain about 120 messages waiting to be answered. Today, about 15 of those messages ten from work, five from loved onesare essential to keep my professional and personal life from sinking. A couple more are from funny friends; they'll make me laugh. I'll get to those 17 messages today. The others, later. Maybe. I've found that important messages tend to bob along beside me, bonking against my kayak, until I get to them. Each day, ask those two river-runner's questions about every request or assignment you encounter. Do the things that are absolutely necessary or make you happy. Let everything else drift away. If you overlook something important, you can always paddle over to it later, or snag something similar floating by.

That's one of the joys of the crazy, fluid world we've created.

Paddling skill #2: Find your water tribe Paddling Skill #2: Find Your Water Tribe So that addresses the incoming flood, but what about the oceans of data beyond your in-box? Somewhere out there is the specific help, advice, and knowledge that's crucial to your life. The question is how to find it without getting carried out to sea. Fortunately, modern communication technology greatly facilitates something called the wisdom of crowds. Simply put, when many diverse people answer a question (say, guessing the number of jelly beans in a jar), the mathematical average of all the responses is more likely to be accurate than any single response. We're able to access this knowledge better than any other group of humans in history. When my son, Adam, was prenatally diagnosed with Down syndrome more than 20 years ago, no one around me knew what to say. I agonized, grieved, and feared without much social support. This was before Google. You see, the algorithm that makes Google work is also what makes it a good indicator of crowd wisdom. Just now, I googled "prenatal diagnosis Down syndrome" for the very first time. The third article on the screen said, "Advice for women whose baby will be born with Down syndrome often comes from a perspective of misinformation and discouragement rather than celebration." Celebration! How different my life would've been if Google had existed on the day Adam was diagnosed. A wise, diverse, knowledgeable crowd would've been thereright there!to counsel and support me better than my friends possibly could. Today's information flood can be very kind. If you need to know which of the 12,000 recipes for healthful but tasty chicken are actually nutritious and delicious, consult the crowds. If you're looking for the best place to meet people who share your love of nude pot-throwing, start typing. Same goes for when you have to figure out what's happening in your industry, your neighborhood, your cable TV system. You'll gather not just the facts you need but the support and advice you never knew was out there.

Paddling Skill #3: Make Computers Your BFFs or FOFs At this point, I should mention I have the computer skills of a hamster. So in 2006, I asked a computer scientist client to teach me to build a Web site. During

the following months, my brain felt like a raisin on fire as I tried to fathom HTML, JavaScript, encryption software, and so on. It was like learning Swahili...in Turkish. Maddeningly, my kids mastered this technology effortlessly. Children love Water World. Their brains are almost 100 percent "fluid intelligence," absorbing new skills fast. Adults rely on the "crystallized intelligence" stored in memory, which has been perfectly useful in the pasthey, why reinvent the wheel every day? Ha ha! Except now the wheels have come off. They're at the bottom of Davy Jones's locker. Here's the hard truth: Suck it up and deal. Learn to use computers. I dish this out because I can take it. I spent nightmare months achieving minimal computer competency, losing all muscle tone except in my mouse-clicking finger, developing acne and insomnia. At one point I became so deeply geeky that I completely broke my eyeglasses, and the only way to use them was to packing-tape the lenses to my face. Which, God help me, I did. It was so worth it. If your head exploded at the idea of stapling yourself to a chair for months on end, you may never have a BFF in your computer. Okay, make computers your FOFsfriends of friends. Find computer lovers (your son, your sister, your minister) and exploit them ruthlessly. Get their help sending e-mail, setting up a blog, finding information, watching "stupid pet tricks playing dead." In fact, do that last one right now. Seriously. I'll wait. See? It really is worth making friends with computers, or at the very least making friends with their friends. You'll find this is your basic paddling technique. Now you just have to learn how to steer your kayak.

Paddling skill #4: Site your purpose Paddling Skill #4: Site Your Purpose One rainy night long ago, I was fleeing a PTA meeting in my minivan when I drove into a puddle that turned out to be four feet deep. The motor went eerily silent just as the vehicle became waterborne and began floating sideways. In the quiet, I heard a still, small voice within me. It said, "I hate PTA meetings, and I hate this %@&ing minivan." In that moment, I was steering my life. By articulating what I hated, I began articulating what I lovednot the train-station life of a PTA mom but a kayaking life where I kept my kids home from school to watch YouTube. A life where adults would pay me to say, "Your true purpose is whatever makes you feel most joyful. Try steering toward that." It's advice I've taken myself: During the months I was obsessed with computers, I felt very much "in the flow." The obsession vanished as inexplicably as it

arrived, but it left me tech savvy enough to do research that informs my work and manage a team that trains life coaches all over the world. Who knew the current would carry me there? I didn't. But I must say: Mama like. I'm certainly not the only middle-aged mom to use current innovations for career development. Paula, a teacher, thought she'd never get to traveluntil she did a deep dive online and discovered something called "location independent lifestyle." She's found jobs all over the world doing teacher-training workshops. I've just come across another interesting story: Gina isI kid you nota massage therapist for dogs. I know this because (a) it says so on her Web site and (b) she's currently in my living room with our golden retriever, Bjorn, who's recovering from knee surgery. I can hear the strains of Enya from Gina's portable CD player, smell the aromatic ointments that have put Bjorn into a bliss-coma. A ridiculous luxury? I thought so, too, until I learned that a massaged dog heals faster. Gina saves money I'd otherwise spend on more vet appointments. I'm thrilled she paddled her kayak toward what gives her joy (though not as thrilled as Bjorn). Right now, as best you can, write a statement of purpose for your life. If this feels impossible, there are Web sites created specifically to guide you through the process. I'm sure your minister will be glad to help you find them. If you need an example, my purpose statement today (I revise it often) is "To remain in continuous conscious awareness of the one Life in which all singular lives exist." Yesterday it was "To survive until bedtime." Your purpose statement can be grand or silly, as long as it rings true. It is to your kayak life what tracks were to trains: It determines your direction. This column can't begin to describe the infinite opportunities you'll find as you navigate today's vast seas of possibility. If you learn basic paddling skills and steer by your inner purpose instead of predetermined social tracks, you'll have a joyful voyage. Maybe you'll meet your soul mate online, earn a degree at a distance, start a virtual business, or do something no one's even named yet. These days, I'm not trying to read the future. I'm just paddling along my own trajectory as a coach, so I can pay BFFs to run my Web site (I'm now the site's FOF). I'm paddling by downloading instructions to help me call my daughter in Japan, on a cell phone that can play a thousand songs and show me satellite photos of almost anyplace on Earth. Where will this white-water change take us next? My imagination doesn't stretch that far. I'm content to ride the tide. My own little kayak of a life can take me anywhere I need to go.

How to Get the World to See the Real You: Martha Beck's 4-Step Plan
Oprah.com | From the October 2010 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

O's resident life coach, Martha Beck, believes anyone (wallflowers included) can cultivate that intangible It factor, and she's got a four-step plan to prove it.
I've never really followed popular culture; my finger is on the pulse of things like 19th-century literature (which no longer has one). But the instant I saw a photo of one particular newly minted celebrity, I became a die-hard fan. It's not that his looks are especially unusual. You could pass someone like him on the street without even noticing. Nor does he possess any special talents. And yet, he's got that It factor. Whatever he's doingstriding past paparazzi, greeting a cheering crowd, or licking a reporterUno the beagle embodies pure charisma. Uno was the first of his breed to win the prestigious Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. His victory was remarkable because beagles are so...basic. They're the white cotton T-shirts of dogdomthey've got nothing to brush, fluff, or stylebut when Uno took Best in Show, the crowd leaped up in a wild ovation.

Newscasters announced his victory with goofy smiles. Everyone loved Uno's extraordinary brand of ordinariness. I've always learned from beagles: Charles Schulz's cartoon character Snoopy sweetened my childhood, and my dear departed Cookie taught me worlds about my core values of peace, affection, and gluttony. But I've discovered new lessons by studying Uno's personal magnetism, and I've come to believe that there's no better way to amp up your charisma than to follow his example. Actually, scratch that. You don't really need to learn charisma, any more than you need to learn laughter. I believe every human being is innately charismatic. Babies squint out from their unfathomably open minds with a fierce, ravenous wonder that makes it impossible not to stare back. But within a few months, or a few years, many children mask their real selves. Charisma, you see, draws attention, and attention can be a problem. For example, by age 5 Melanie had learned to shrink and disappear when her mother went into drunken tantrums at home or, worse, in public. Ellyn was bullied by schoolmates who envied the way she drew her teachers' focus, so she taught herself not to. Perfectionistic Lisette deflected attention because she feared that anyone who noticed her would notice her shortcomings. This is why a number of us reach adolescence behaving more like whipped puppies than Westminster champions. Below you'll find four steps to help you reveal your own charisma. If you read them and think, "Oh, I could never!", you've likely veiled your natural magnetism, then mistaken those veils for your real personality. This was probably a necessary move way back when, but to live fully now, you must drop your disguise. InMarianne Williamson's immortal words, "Your playing small doesn't serve the world." Step 1. Strike Some Poses We often use the word pose to imply fakery, but more simply, the word means "the position of our bodies." When her mother drank, Melanie literally curled inward, shoulders hunching, spine rounding, eyes down. Ellyn slumped to avoid seeming proud. Lisette spent three decades with her arms clamped against her ribs. They were all posing. So are you, right now. The question isn't to pose or not to pose, but how to know which body language reflects your true self. Watch Uno the wonder beagle on YouTube as his handler positions him like a toy. Being placed in show posture, far from constraining Uno, seems to fill him with confidence, sending his charisma into overdrive. For humans, as for dogs, physical movement influences moods. You may realize you spend a lot of the day in a charisma-crushing position. The posture you had as a toddlerspine straight, shoulders back, chest out, head highmay be long forgotten, but repositioning yourself as nature intended is essential to unveiling your innate charisma. This is why soldiers stand at attention (basically Uno's "show pose"). Try it

yourself: Stand up straight, broaden and drop your shoulders, bring your clavicles up and your chin down. If you don't feel a little like General Patton, exaggerate this pose until you do. Experiment with other postures, noting how each affects your sense of self. Hook your thumbs through your belt loops and become a cowboy; smile over your shoulder to feel seductive; imitate Michelangelo's David and find the courage to fight Goliath. Cultivating charisma is one of the few areas where I recommend adopting a "fake it till you make it" strategy, because any pose that elicits confidence, even if it feels phony, is actually a return to authenticity. No one was born beaten. Here's a challenge: For the rest of today, stand, sit, and walk like the most charismatic person you know. Notice the moments when you feel foolish or embarrassed about projecting charisma. Those are the times when you have forgotten who you are. Persist for a few more days and you'll discover that charismatic body language is a self-reinforcing cycle. As your physical bearing becomes more aligned with your real self, other people will begin noticing you more. Don't let this affect your new behavior (in other words, don't revert to slumping). Ultimately, you must become confident enough to drop your pose of unimportance for good. And when you get to the brink...keep going Step 2. When You Get to the Brink...Keep Going Diane Ackerman writes that "there are moments on the brink, when you can give yourself to a lover, or not; give in to self-doubt, uncertainty, and admonishment, or not; dive into a different culture, or not; set sail for the unknown, or not; walk out onto a stage, or not.... Resist then, and...there is only what might have been." Ackerman calls these moments "littoral," like the borders where dry land meets the ocean. A defining characteristic of charismatic people is that they choose to walk through littoral moments as if they had no doubt. Now, let me take this moment to clarify what I mean: Narcissists can appear charismatic for a while, because they never doubt they're right. This conviction commands attention and respect, at least until they turn out to be hopelessly wrong. True charismatics, by contrast, acknowledge and learn from their mistakes. They release doubt simply because doubt isn't useful when they're on the brink. For instance, once Uno was onstage, he never seemed to worry that he might not be a champion (even though no beagle had ever won much of anything). His certainty eventually converted everyone, including the judges. To follow this example, find a littoral zone in your life and step beyond it as if you had no doubt. For Melanie, this meant arranging an intervention for her mother, faking confidence (which eventually became real) as she spoke the truth and asked her mother to enter rehab. Ellyn's first charismatic adventure was attending her high school reunion, walking tall and radiating authority, dropping the fear of offending or outshining others. Lisette joined Toastmasters, where she learned to stand and deliver, performance anxiety be damned. For these women, and each of us, a dip in the sea of adventure washes away more of the layers encrusting your charisma. Find your littoral moment, drop your

doubts on the shore, and walk into the waves. Step 3. Focus Outward The Westminster Dog Show is a multibreed festival of self-consciousness. On videos of the event you can see everyone, human and animal, thinking, "Are they watching me? Can they see my hindquarters? How's my haircut?" Everyone, that is, except Uno. His eyes are on the crowd. When they cheer, he cheers back. When he howls to the judges, "Yo! How you doin'?," the normally staid officials grin like kids. Uno is making the single most charismatic move possible: He's shining his attention upon the beings around him. That's what Melanie did during her mother's intervention. Instead of just rehearsing and delivering an impassioned speech, she paid close, respectful attention, which her mother (for once) returned. Both Ellyn (at her high school reunion) and Lisette (in exercises with her Toastmaster cronies) learned that groups also have personalities. Focus on any person or crowd the way Uno focused on the spectators at Westminster, with friendly curiosity, and your charismatic energy will touch every individual. Why? People pay attention to people who are paying attention to them. Step 4: Take Space and Make Space Just because charismatic people focus intensely on others doesn't mean they forget themselves. Quite the contrary. The very essence of charisma is projecting unbounded awareness of others while setting rock-solid boundaries. When an aggressive reporter pushed a microphone into Uno's face, Uno unapologetically crunched it with his teeth before moving on to more courteous admirers. He showed none of the angry, aggressive boundary setting born of low confidence. Like any true charismatic, he had mastered the art of the clean responsein his case, a cheerful chomp. Melanie held this effective, neutral energy at her mother's intervention, stating her position while refusing to either rail at, or give in to, her mother's drunken pleas. Ellyn found that when she let herself shine, she had to rebuff sycophants and unwanted suitors but that a firm, upbeat "No, thanks" got the job done. Lisette discovered that she could take the spotlight when she wanted itand back away from it when she needed space. Her polite disinterest was a powerful version of the cheerful chomp. If you play around with the steps aboveand I certainly hope you doyou'll find that some bold poses feel more right than others, that life calls you to dive past specific littoral lines, that particular people and groups genuinely respond to your attention, and that you have your own way of administering cheerful chomps. The purpose of exploring these general elements of charisma is to find your unique style. "Oh, golly shucks," you may be thinking at this point. "I'm not charismatic. I'm just an ordinary person." Yes, and beagles are just ordinary dogs. Charisma is the light that shines from the core of all ordinary beings. You can't strip the veils that cover your real nature without illuminating the world in a new, inimitable

way. You'll become the singular youthe one, the only, the Unothat everyone wants to see.

The 4-Step Plan to Get Your Life on Track

Oprah.com | From the November 2010 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

If you're trying to figure out what to do with your one and only life, you need to stop thinking rationallyand go a little wild. Martha Beck offers a powerful technique for discovering your next move.
At first I trusted my car's global positioning systemwhy not?but soon its smooth voice began sounding like the homicidal computer HAL in 2001: A Space Odyssey. "Turn left now," the GPS would command as I drove along a freeway, with concrete barriers to my left. "You have reached your destination," it would assure me after leading me to a warehouse full of prostitutes and crack dealers. Once my kids programmed it to speak French, the GPS abandoned all pretense of helpfulness and began directing me southward in any and all circumstances. Presumably it was heading for Mexico to escape fraud charges. These days, listening to my clients talk about their careers reminds me how bewildered I was by my demon guidance machine. People wander aimlessly because the well-worn paths of yesteryearand by that I mean 2009are

disappearing, while strange new career options pop up before our frazzled brains can map them. The more new technologies and job descriptions have entered everyday life, the more my clients tend to become confused and overwhelmed, finding themselves facing a dead end. Like most of us who have no clue about how to get to where we want, they long for a voice of authority, a career GPS, that will spell out the exact route to a thrilling and fulfilling position. Although they keep beavering away at a solution, researching their options and seeking the advice of people with hot new ideas for them ("Use this careerfinder app!" "What you need is a website!" "Blog, blog, blog!"), people end up in my office more muddled than ever. They tell me things like:

"There's so much going on, and it sounds exciting to me, but I feel paralyzed about which new thing to follow up on." "I keep reading about all these new opportunities, but I don't really understand them, and I'm afraid I'm being left behind." "I'd be happy to follow my passion...if only I knew what it was."

"I worry that if I commit to one career, I'll lose out on something better." If any of these sound like you, don't bother with classic career guides; like my GPS, they'll have you meandering in circles, stumped at dead ends, or just profoundly lost. The fact is, as we've become accustomed to our overmanaged, overstimulated 21st-century lives, we haven't realized that there might be anotherdecidedly low-techway to get onto the right path. I suspect you've been advised to think rationally about your career decisions. That would be a big mistake. You might expect people with damage to the emotional parts of the brain, presumably free from the distractions of emotions, to be brilliant decision makers. Quite the opposite. Though they retain full use of their rational faculties, such patients are tragically indecisive, endlessly debating logical pros and cons, unable to choose any path. Their brains send out random, contradictory, and confusing directions, like my rogue GPS. It turns out that, as Jonathan Haidt writes in The Happiness Hypothesis, "it is only because our emotional brains work so well that our reasoning can work at all." Although humans are the only beings on Earth with advanced linguistic skills, any animal with a brain has the automatic capacity to form preferences. It's an irrational sense of "Yes, this!" that takes a migrating goose a thousand miles to its perfect nesting ground, or a whale to its calving waters an ocean away. To findor rather, designyour perfect career, you have to let your animal self lead you through a wilderness of choices. The way to do that is to make your rational mind not the master but the tracker of your own irrational instincts. Tracking Your Inner Animal I was trudging down the traditional career path of academia when my students, weirdly, began offering to pay me for advice. I didn't think of it as a career path; I'd never heard the phrase "life coach," and if I had, I'd have gagged like a sommelier drinking Kool-Aid. But I loved my students, and I loved helping them

build happy lives. My emotional self trotted cheerfully forward, enjoying the scenery, while my rational, verbal GPS argued, puzzled, and worried: Animal brain: Me like this! Rational brain: But what are you doing? Animal brain: Me like this! Rational brain: Is it secure? Is it respectable? Animal brain: Me like this! Rational brain: Get a job, dammit! This process continues even now, with my animal self migrating through unknown territory as my logical mind struggles to make sense of where in God's name I'm going. How grateful I am to be familiar with what one expert describes to me as deductive/predictive animal tracking. It's helped me calm my nerves and follow my animal into a thousand joyful and productive career events I never dreamed possible. Deductive/predictive tracking goes like this: Locate a clear footprint left by an animal you're trailinga so-called hot track. Make an educated guess, based on the animal's previous behavior, about where the animal would probably have gone next. Proceed to that spot. Look for more tracks. If you find no tracksif the trail runs coldreturn to the last hot track, make another educated guess, and repeat. Using these steps, you can follow your wild self as it instinctively migrates toward your perfect career: Step 1. Discover your hot tracks. Grab a pen and make a list of every time you remember being utterly, happily absorbed in an activity, no matter how odd. This focused attention is the hot track you're looking for, evidence that your animal self was here. For example, my client Adeline loved helping her mother bake, playing doubles tennis, assisting her husband as he built his business, and raising money for AIDS research. Dora was happiest while shopping, throwing ceramic pots, and gardening. Lily loved singing in her church choir, going to parties, volunteering for political candidates, and working at a large marketing firm. Write your own list of hot tracks from the past. Step 2. Predict the next track. If you were tracking bison in the wild, you might notice they migrate along predictable grassy routes. Geese, by contrast, follow a route from one marshy area to another. To predict the next likely step for your inner animal, scan your environment for conditions that seem likely to foster that happy state of absorption, but are just outside your regular routine. Try an activity within that sphere to see if it's a hot track.

Warning: Many people assume that a hot track is leading them toward a job directly related to that track. Unwittingly, they start heading to the nearest "logical career." For example, Adeline's love of baking initially led her to train as a pastry chef. Dora's shopping passion convinced her she should work as a retail buyer. Lily decided to run for office. Perfectly reasonable predictionsbut all these trails froze. Adeline found culinary school boring, Dora loathed working with retailers, and Lily became exhausted and disillusioned running for city council. The lesson: Even if you're pursuing a course that's perfectly rationala job that makes total sense on paperemotions like boredom, hopelessness, anger, or anxiety mean the trail's gone cold. Step 3. Return to the last hot track and repeat step 2. Many of my clients continue endlessly on cold trails. Some cling to established career paths, imagining that the next promotion will bring happiness, despite the obvious lack of clear hot tracks such as enjoyment, fascination, or any heartfelt desire (apart from the wish to bang one's head against a wall). Others gallop along any path, without pausing to check whether it's one their animal prefers. Still other clients give up hope and plod along in so-so jobs. I can't say it enough: If your trail runs cold, return to your last hot track and test a new prediction. When Adeline went back to her hot tracks and focused on the elements that connected them, she noticed her animal had left a trail of relationships. She loved working with strong, decisive partners. Dora's hot tracks always related to arranging colorful objects. Lily's hot tracks led to large, active groups; teamwork, not politics, was her bliss. Step 4. Follow your tracks wherever they lead. You have to commit to following your animaleven if it seems to have the directional ability of my poltergeisted GPS. Trust me, your animal will eventually bring you to the job you were meant to do. Once Adeline realized her strongpartner theme, she teamed up with a friend running online boutiques for custom-designed clothing. Dora discovered that computer graphics let her assemble gorgeous color combinations with a few clicks. She's now a website designer. Lily agreed to organize a conference for an ex-coworker's business and enjoyed it so much, she began freelancing as an event planner. Note that all these careers use new technologies, but technology was not the track. Adeline went looking for a business partner and just happened to find one with a "virtual" shop. Dora was surfing websites when she noticed that the colors of the sites themselves attracted her. Lily hated computers but loved using social networking to connect with people. All began with "What do I enjoy?" and proceeded to beat the bushes for their best-loved activities. New technologies simply facilitated their passions, which, as I used to tell my GPS, is what technology is meant to do. As you track your career, remember that your inner animal is following primal instincts, not established paths that will necessarily impress your parents,

spouse, and friends. Their expectationsand yoursare an outdated guidance system that will only send you sideways and, in my experience, due south. We live in an increasingly civilized, rational-minded, tech-obsessed world. It's time to break out: Let your wild self explore wild career ideas. Of course, if this makes you nervous, you can always go grovel for a low-paying version of that civilized job you loathed. But as the poet Mary Oliver puts it, "meanwhile...the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and excitingover and over announcing your place in the family of things." Answer that call, following your instinct through the wilderness of career options, and your inner tracking system will take you to exactly the terrain that's right for you. Me like that!

Make Any Job Better!

By Dan Buettner Oprah.com | From the November 2010 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Dan Buettnerbest-selling author, athlete, researcher, and explorerloves his work. But he knows that loving what you do isn't enough if your work environment doesn't love you back.
For the past two years, Buettner has teamed with psychologists and scientists to seek out the world's happiest people for his new book, Thrive: Finding Happiness the Blue Zones Way. We asked him to apply the lessons he's learned to the search for workaday blisswhether you've already found yourdream job or you're still dreaming: 1. Get away from the grind: Studies show that leisure time can mitigate jobrelated stress, reduce the risk ofdepression, and improve self-esteem. No wonder, then, that Denmark, where employers are required to give five to six weeks of paid time off each year, is one of the happiest places on Earth. Contrast that with the United States, where the average American worker receives only about 16 paid vacation days each yearand more than a third of us don't even take them all. The first rule: Never leave vacation days on the table. Even if you don't have the money to splurge on an exotic trip, a "staycation" can provide a much-needed respite. Second: No matter how much time off your company provides, you can increase the pleasure you get from vacation days by dividing them among several shorter trips, as opposed to one big one. That's because the happiness bump we get from a vacation may come from the planning and anticipation, not the trip itself, according to a 2010 study

from the Netherlands. 2. Don't miss happy hour: As tempting as it is to skip out at 5 o'clock on the dot, it pays to stick around to socialize with your coworkers. Why? The happiest people spend about seven hours a day socializing with family and friends, according to the Gallup-Healthways Happiness Stress Index, a massive nationwide daily survey of Americans. At work, that can mean going out for lunch or a cocktail, chatting around the watercooler, or even trading e-mails about a movie you saw last weekend. 3. Shorten your commute: Commuting is people's least favorite daily activity (even housecleaning ranked higher), according to a Princeton study. In fact, a study from the Scandinavian Journal of Economics found that workers who commute 22 minutes each way would need to earn an additional 35 percent of their monthly wage to be as satisfied with their life as those who don't commute. The best deal of all: Walk or bike to work. The negative stats about commuting apply largely to car-based commutes, plus you'll get your blood pumping and be more alert when you start your day. 4. Join the club: According to research by Robert D. Putnam, author of Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community, joining a group that meets even once a month can produce the same happiness gain as more than doubling your income. Consider Monterrey, Mexico, where the average family makes only about $16,000 a year, yet residents rank high on the happiness scale, in part because they spend several hours a week interacting with neighbors, extended family, and faith-based groups. Humans evolved to be social creatures: Cooperation enabled us to outcompete other species for resources, and as a result, we tend to be happier when we're interacting with other people. Becoming part of a group at workwhether it's a small contingent of working moms in your company, or a larger industry-wide organizationwill not only enhance your interests and talents but also give you the opportunity to build happiness-boosting social connections with your peers. 5. Become a mentor: There's strong data showing that volunteering your time can bump up your happiness. One good way to start is to become a mentor at work. Helping someone else achieve their goals emphasizes your strengths and takes your focus off your own problems. 6. Think twice before applying for a promotion: It sounds counterintuitive, but when it comes to long-term happiness, increases in personal income fail to provide much of a boost once household income rises above the $50,000-ayear threshold, according to research from Princeton University. Higher-paying jobs tend to be more demanding, with longer hours and more stressleaving you less time and energy to put toward the things that do buy happiness.

Your Great Idea, Whose Time Has Come

By Polly Brewster Oprah.com | From the September 2007 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

You have a brainstorm...but now what? Follow the six-part guide below to go from concept to reality. And when you're ready, download easy-to-use sample business plans right here! Note: We have updated our business plan thanks to Tamara Monosoff, author of Secrets of Millionaire Moms. She swears by the One Page Business Plan model designed by Jim Horan. Get the one-page business plans for... A small consulting business

A boutique clothing company A nonprofit organization

STEP 1: Find Your Inspiration Create your own service department: You don't need a billion-dollar idea like sneakers with wheelsto start a company. The Small Business Administration (SBA) reports that 55 percent of women business owners are in a service profession, like interior decorator, personal chef, or art buyer. These industries are appealing, says Linda Pinson, co-author of Steps to Small Business Start-Up, "because you don't need a lot of start-up cash and your customers pay right away." Test-drive your idea: If you want to open a jewelry store, says Victoria Colligan, a founder of Ladies Who Launch, "make a necklace. It costs very little to do that." One choker may be fun, but tying 500 knots by hand at 3 a.m. would require a Zoloft prescription. "It's okay to hate your idea," says Beth Schoenfeldt, co-founder of Ladies Who Launch. "It means you've ruled something out." Apprentice yourself: For dreams that can't be tried out on a small scale, you might investigate aVocationVacation, which matches you with someone who's happy to help you determine if you, too, are meant to be an alpaca farmer or coffeehouse owner (starting at $549). Volunteering is another optionand free. If you think you want to be an event planner, for instance, help organize your local March of Dimes Walk. (VolunteerMatch.org lists opportunities by zip code.) Find a mentor: Log on to networking sites like LadiesWhoLaunch.com, MomInventors.com orMakeMineaMillion.org, where you'll find profiles of women entrepreneurs. If a story strikes a chord, send the owner an e-mail. "I've found that people are happy to tell you how they did whatever they did," says Nell Merlino, founder of Make Mine a Million $ Business. _ STEP 2: Identify the Next Steps Do your homework: "With the Web, no one has an excuse for not doing research," says Mary Cantando, author of The Woman's Advantage. "If you're starting a service, like a doggy daycare, do an Internet search in your zip code. If there's competition, leave your dog at one of the places and see what it's not offering." Develop a prototype: ShapeLock.com sells 10- and 20-ounce jars of plastic pellets that you can heat in the microwave and form into the shape of a gadget. If your first try doesn't pan out, put it back in the microwave. For more complicated designs, look for a machinist in the Yellow Pages, says Tamara Monosoff, author of Secrets of Millionaire Moms, who's sold thousands of her

invention, TP Saver, which holds toilet paper in place so toddlers can't pull the roll off the rack. She also suggests logging on to ThomasNet.com, where you enter the materials you need for your product and it provides a list of factories that work with those components. Find a workspace: Incubators let you rent space and equipment, from fax machines to industrial mixers, at a low cost. They usually require tenants to attend mentoring sessions, says Dinah Adkins, president of the National Business Incubation Association, "so, if you don't like to take advice, then an incubator is not a place for you." (To find one, go to NBIA.org.) _ _ STEP 3: Create an A-1 Business Plan Writing a business plan will force you to consider the what-ifs (what if you get sick, need a trademark, need worker's comp insurance) and the tiny costs that you might overlook: "Like the cost of a cup of coffeethe cup, the java jacket, the lid, the napkin, the stirrer, the sugar," says Liat Cohen, co-owner of Cocoa Bar in Brooklyn. "A business plan forced me to figure out exactly what I would have to charge to make money." Get professional help: Two groups operating under the umbrella of the Small Business Administration can provide guidance. The Women's Business Center program (SBA.gov/content/womens-business-centers) provides training and counseling, usually at very low fees (or free). For example, the Central Alabama Women's Business Center offers a course, Writing Your Business Plan: Your Business Roadmap, for $15. SCORE (SCORE.org) is a network of working and retired executives who freely share their expertise. They try to match their members' specialties with the needs of a new entrepreneurlike pairing an artist who wanted to open her own gallery with a finance executive. If you can't get to a SCORE chapter, one of their members will work with you via e-mail. Review the plan: "A few months down the road, compare what actually happened to what you projected," says Pinson. Use this time to modify your forecasts and tweak your strategy. _ STEP 4: Market Like a Genius Tap into your networks: You want to get the word out, so start by sending a short e-mail about your new business to friends and family, encouraging them to forward it. Then turn to organizations you're already involved with, including the PTA, your over-30 soccer league, Neighborhood Watch, etc. "Most entrepreneurs tell us, 'That first client came in because I knew so-and-so,'" says Erin Fuller, executive director of the National Association of Women Business Owners. Advertise without breaking the bank: You can put up flyers at the grocery store, have a friend post a review of your business on Yelp.com or CitySearch.com, or place a free online classified. "A woman in our program wanted to do event planning for dogs," says Adele Foster of the

Plan Fund in Dallas, which develops entrepreneurs from low- and middleincome areas. "She posted an ad on Craigslist.org. Someone immediately responded, and that was her first client." Hand out free samples: "Instead of spending money on fancy advertising, put the product in your trunk and get it out there," says Stephen Hall, author of From Kitchen to Market. You can rent a booth at a local greenmarket, attend an industry trade show, or host a special event in your community. Immaculate Baking, a small cookie company in Flat Rock, North Carolina, staged a free art workshop for local kids and served their baked goods. "The workshop got our name out there," says Ann Marshall, Immaculate Baking's director of marketing. Anyone trying to launch a food product, says Kathrine Gregory, owner of Mi Kitchen Es Su Kitchen, a food industry incubator in New York City, should bring samples to a local gourmet store. "Flatter the buyer by asking for their opinion," she says. "But call in advance to busy storesthey usually have specific times set aside to review new products." Buy Google Adwords: You choose wordssay, flowers and Cincinnatiand every time someone enters those search terms, your company may appear in sponsored links. The ads we researched ranged from 30 cents to $1 per click (though the cost per click can be as little as one cent). Google will also help you set up a webpage free of charge and can help local businesses zero in on clients by having ads appear strictly to people searching in a certain area. As your company grows, you might place ads on websites that are already attracting your customer base. For instance, if you make one-of-a-kind lingerie that's popular among honeymoon-bound brides, you might contact the advertising sales department of TheKnot.com. _ _ _ STEP 5: Secure Funding It's almost impossible to get a loan based solely on an idea. But once you have your product (or service), a business plan, and a cash flow (no matter how small), you can start to look for funds to expand your business. You'll need to be clear about exactly how much money you need and what specifically you'll use the loan for. "We just lent to a woman who makes organic pet food," says Merlino. "She needed to buy a freeze-drying machine so she could ship her product." If you aren't sure how big a loan is necessary, you can contact an SBA Women's Business Center or SCORE counselor. Then seek funding at the following places: For amounts under $500: "Put it on a credit card or borrow from friends and family," says Schoenfeldt, of Ladies Who Launch. For $500 to $45,000: Contact a microfinance institution, which is more open to entrepreneurs. Accion USA gives $500 credit-builder loans to people with no

credit history, META in Boise, Idaho (a local group), lends up to $2,000 to firsttime business owners, and Make Mine a Million $ Business lends up to $45,000 strictly to women business owners. For amounts up to $1,000,000: You can apply for an SBA-backed loan where the SBA acts as a guarantor for small-business ownersavailable through a commercial lender; the SBA expects entrepreneurs to have enough equity to cover 25 percent of a start-up loan. If you need $10,000, then you must have invested about $2,500 in your business. _ STEP 6: Staff Up Like a Pro Know what you need: Is it someone with a highly developed skill, like website design? Or are you looking to train your employees from scratch? "I don't care about experience," says Cohen, co-owner of the Cocoa Bar. "I can teach someone how to make a great latte; I can't teach someone to be proactive or friendly." Identify atypical hiring pools: If you're opening a doggy daycare, post a HELP WANTED sign at the local dog run. Want a professional voice for your answering machine's outgoing message? Contact a local acting school or high school drama teacher to see if they can recommend a student who might want to earn extra money. Start with temps: "I always suggest hiring on a part-time or project basis," says Merlino, of Make Mine a Million $ Business. You can see if their skills match what you need, and if there really is enough work (and revenue) coming in to support a full-time employee. _ Related Resources Microfinance Institutions: For local or state microfinance institutions, go to MicroEnterpriseWorks.org. Under Members Onlyscroll down to Member Directory. From there you can search by state to find a microfinance institution near you. The following are national organizations. You can apply for loans from these organizations online:

Accion USA (AccionUSA.org)

Make Mine a Million (MakeMineaMillion.org) For more information on business plans, go to Business-Plan.com.

Your Brilliant (Next) Careerand How to Find It

By Susan Choi Oprah.com | From the September 2007 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

The puzzle: a successful woman who felt that something in her life was missingbut what, precisely? The answer: Marcus Buckingham, an expert in what works at work, believes that the power to transform your life is much closer than anyone realizes. O reports on a surprising (and profound) lesson in getting unstuck and on track.
One day at work, the computer system Kylie (not her real name) depends on to get her job done collapsed in a total meltdown. The tech support people, five states away in Virginia, wouldn't pick up the phone. Kylie's colleagues wouldn't get off her backthey were literally hanging over her shoulders, demanding to receive what she had no way to give them until the system started up again. In

the end, she was glued to her chair for six unbroken, miserable hours. For Kylie, who grew up in Midwestern farm country, who loves to hike and ride horses and work with her hands, this six-hour imprisonment in her chair was the worst thing of all. At home that night, she felt as if she'd been beaten up. "I looked ahead at the next 20 years and thought, 'If it's more of this, I'll slit my wrists.'" More alarming was that lots of days felt like this. There hadn't been a single last straw, Kylie realized; there were haystacks of them. At some point in the past two or three years, the job Kylie had worked at for more than a decade had become not just unsatisfying but intolerable. Something had to change. But what? Kylie was well into an online master's degree in psychology because she'd always loved helping others through transitions in their lives. Yet the course wasn't helping her transition at all. It was "geared toward research and academia," she says, and that wasn't her style. On the surface, Kylie's life looked pretty great, even glamorous. She owned her own apartment in Manhattan. She had a job at a newspaper, working in design, an activity she'd loved ever since she was a teenager making her own jewelry. She wasn't one of those women who are afraid of change: She'd had success singing jazz and the blues before switching to news. She'd been married and divorced. She'd moved from her native Midwest to California, then to New York City, then to California again, then to New York City again. "I guess that might sound kind of flaky," she worried. Marcus Buckingham could not have disagreed more. "She's so specific, so focused, it's great," he confided to me, not long after O magazine brought him and Kylie together to try to figure out what she should do. A former Gallup Organization researcher, Marcus is a management consultant and the bestselling author of Go Put Your Strengths to Work (a handbook for improving performance to achieve maximum success in the workplace); most important, he's devoted his life to helping other people decide what to devote their lives to. He recently completed a 26-city tour, where he spoke with hundreds of executives and human resource professionals about what he's learned from years of researching people who've excelled at their careers. "I was so afraid," Marcus added, "that I was going to be working with one of those people who, when you ask them what they like, say 'Ooooh, I don't knooow.' What do you wish you were doing? 'Ooooh, I don't knooow.' What interests you? 'Ooooh, I don't knooow!'" Marcus was making me laugh, but he was also making a point. Kylie did know what she wanted and needed. For all his success helping people refocus their lives, the most crucial materials he usesthe clues for solving the mystery of anyone's unhappinessare never furnished by Marcus but by the people themselves. One of his fundamental beliefs is that all of us, even at our most confused and unhappy, like Kylie, have very good instincts about what we should be doing. Even the person who, when asked what she likes, wails "I don't knooow!" does know, in her gut. She's just not noticing, amid all the dispiriting moments when she feels overwhelmed or unsatisfied or bored, those other momentsperhaps less numerous, but far more significantwhen she feels good. Absorbed, so time flies. Excited.

Everyone, Marcus maintains, has such experiences, even during the worst sort of week. Kylie felt completely out of her element, miles off course from where she was supposed to be, but Marcus believed that she was actually in the vicinity of real happiness. Her instincts had led her to the ballpark, but she wasn't hitting homers. She was wandering around in the stands, or stuck in line for the restroom. What was keeping her there was that she'd forgotten, or maybe she'd failed to discern from the start, what she was passionate about. Most people, Marcus says, make the mistake of speaking of their passions in overly general, grandiose terms. "I'm passionate about making the world a better place." "Well, who isn't?" Marcus would say. He calls this kind of vague talk "skywriting"it's way up there, far from the specific conditions of our lives, and it tends to melt away. Marcus prefers a more concrete, muscular way of discussing our passions: in terms of strengths. Our strengths are the actions that make us feel energized and optimistic, eager for the chance to do them again. We're not just good at our strengthsI'm good at paying bills, but that doesn't mean I like doing it. We're also nourished by them as by nothing else. When Marcus works with people like Kylie, the first thing he wants them to do is the most basic: He wants them to define their strengths, as narrowly and concretely as they possibly can. I feel strong when I close the deal and shake the buyer's hand. I feel strong when my explanation makes my students' faces light up with understanding. I feel strong when I've hit "print" and I see my own words in black ink on the page. Our strengths, Marcus says, are those situations in which we are intensely, happily, completely engaged. And because he believes our instincts are goodbecause they've gotten us into the ballparkthe place to look for clues to our strengths isn't way up in the sky but right where we're sitting, right in that office chair Kylie hated so much. Her hatred of that chair was real, but something importantsome glimmering of passionhad led her to be sitting there in the first place. Marcus asked Kylie to start generating raw materialto pile up clues to her strengths. For one week, she was to write a list of things she loved and things she loathed about her job. She was to be as detailed as possible, to pay exquisitely close attention to her own frame of mind in the course of a typical week: When did she feel energized, satisfied? When was she miserable? Kylie's list was disheartening, if unsurprising. She could only come up with eight "loves," and she had more than twice as many "loathes." But Marcus noticed right away that six of Kylie's "loves" were in the passive voice. In other words, six were things that other people did to her. Kylie had written, "I felt strong when people sought my advice...when I was included in the planning stages...when I was given the go-ahead...when my contributions were acknowledged...when given the opportunity...when allowed to assume..." Only two were things Kylie did: "I felt strong when interacting with my colleagues one-on-one rather than through e-mail," and "I felt strong when I developed a good working relationship with a colleague that turned into a friendship." Kylie, the former singer, had always thought of herself as the opposite of a

wallflower. But now she and Marcus saw that there was something not just wallflowerish but positively wilted about her professional self. She had given away all her power, Marcus told her; she needed to start taking it back. "Marcus turned a light on," she later told me. Together they worked out a list of things she would do to make the best of this job. Even if Kylie found that she wanted to do something radically different with her life, she had to sort out the problems in her current situation. She needed to find a way to act instead of being acted upon, or she'd find herself passive and likely unhappy in the next job. Right away, Kylie vowed never to let that chair claim her for six hours again: She was going to get up every hour and a half, no matter what crisis had erupted around her, and take a walk. She craved movement and freedom, and there was no one better to bestow it than herself. Second, she was going to stop letting herself be at the mercy of her co-workers when it came to being gainfully occupied. One of Kylie's "loathes" about her job was the downtimeit was either crisis central or the doldrums, with little in between. Instead of waiting for the next cataclysm, Kylie would go find herself something to do. Third, she was going to start connecting face-to-face. The sheer size of the newspaper meant that many of the people she most needed to talk to communicated everything via e-maila medium she found draining. But her supervisor had recently asked for her feedback on something, and though Kylie had assumed she should give it in writing, she realized she could respond in person. All these changes might have seemed minor, yet each one put a little more control back in Kylie's hands and even helped her perceive that in some ways she did like her job. Marcus asked Kylie to go back to her list of loves and loathes and cast them in more active terms. She'd felt strong when her advice was "sought"; now she saw how simpleand welcomeit might be if she offered her opinion at appropriate moments. Slowly, she and Marcus hammered out descriptions of her strengths that, when Marcus read them back to her, she responded to with a flood of recognition. Kylie felt strong, she and Marcus concluded, when she took an idea of her own and made it tangible whether laying out a page or crafting a necklace. And she felt strong when she forged a trusting relationship with a co-worker. The more clues to her strengths that Kylie and Marcus gathered, the more Marcus' early suspicion was borne out. Miserable as she was, Kylie really was in the ballpark. She loved to design. But her job at the paper didn't afford her as much opportunity to do it as she craved. Often she was executing someone else's visionjust inputting. Now Marcus gave Kylie another assignment: to list 10 things she could do over the next five weeks to gain more opportunities to do the work she loved best. Her managers had given her outstanding performance reviews. They clearly had no idea she was unhappy. It was up to her to give them the chance to use her even more effectively by telling them what her strengths were. "One of the most insidious myths people suffer under in the workplace," says Marcus, "is this idea that we should all be team players and do what the team asks of us. It's a moral myth, but it misunderstands our moral duty. Our real moral duty is to offer our greatest strength to the teamto give it the opportunity to use us where we're at our strongest."

But Marcus also could see that Kylie's current job, even with substantial reengineering, might never make her happy. The list of "loves" had offered crucial information, but there were still all those "loathes" to confront. Kylie had told Marcus that she'd always loved jewelry makingexcept for one part at the very end, when the slightest of goofs, like tying a knot badly, could "make the beads fall all over the floor." Marcus had noticed that this same intense dislike of things falling apart at the last minute came up when they spoke of her job at the paper. Kylie's beautiful layouts were forever being messed up at the very last minute by events she couldn't control. And this wasn't unexpectednews has a way of changing all the time. It also wasn't likely that e-mail culture would ever reverse, returning Kylie to the face-to-face collaborative atmosphere that she craved. If Kylie really did need to start fresh in another job, how would she know where to go? How could she both follow her instincts and avoid the mistakes that her instincts had made the last time? At this juncture, Marcus sees people fall prey to the same four pitfalls again and again. First, we're so close to our own strengths, we don't see them; or if we do see them, we don't value them. Kylie wouldn't necessarily label her love for engagement with others as a strength to be utilized in the workplace; she'd be more likely to assume everyone felt that way. Yet the world is full of people who do their best work in isolation. Second, we suffer from "should" syndrome: We should love doing layouts at a newspaper because we love design, and news is important and exciting. Or we should stay at our job because it's irresponsible not to. Third, we tend to pile our work misery into a big, mushy lump that we then allow to crush us. We don't ask ourselves the questions that Marcus was asking Kylie. We don't patiently tease apart the many strands of our daily existence, distinguishing those that actually make us happythe lump has made us forget there were any of thesefrom those that we have to eliminate as soon as we can. The last pitfall is perhaps the most complex, yet addressing it can tell us not only what's wrong with our current job but how to avoid falling into the same trap again. It's the failure to have asked, of any current or possible job, the three questions of why, who, and what: Why will I be doing these things?the job's broader purpose.Who will I be working with? And finally, What precise activities will I be performing every day? Often people who seem to be doing something suited to their needswho, in theory, should be happyhave nailed one or even two of the three answers through instinct alone. But such a partial fit will never feel right, no matter how much we think it should. Kylie had been on the right track when she'd embarked on her online psychology degree; she knew in her gut that she loved engaging with people. The why of that degree resonated. But thewhat was all wrongthe degree wasn't preparing Kylie for actual human engagement. It was preparing her to write papers on psychological theory. Such near misses, Marcus says, are particularly baffling. He once worked with a woman who had always longed to work in healthcare. ("I have a passion for helping people," would be skywriting to Marcus: very noble and surely true, but way too vague to be of any real use.) She became an ER nurse and was incredibly unhappy. That made no sense to hershe was doing what she'd

always longed to do. She loved the why of healthcare, and here she was, living it. But when Marcus pressed her to detail her passion, it turned out that what she really loved was seeing people get better. And an ER nurse rarely gets to do that; they see patients at their most dire moments, and then the patients are whisked away. The thing that made this woman feel strongthe thing she was passionate forwas missing. She found it as soon as she transferred to one of the hospital's pediatric wards. The questions of why, who, and what don't work just in these situations. They can also rescue that rare person who really is lost. This had been the case with a copy machine saleswoman Marcus worked with. She was quite successful always in the top 10 percent of the sales forcebut at some point she couldn't bear the idea of getting up every morning, every day, and doing more of the same. How had she ended up there? Her list of strengths yielded clues. She felt strong when sensing another person's emotions. And she felt strong when she told another person what to doand they did it! The what of selling copy machines had, in fact, played to these passions, making her a very good saleswoman. Unlike the ER nurse, she had her what nailed, but she didn't have the ghost of a why. This was when Marcus began casting his net beyond the workplace, but with the same basic principle in mindthat we have good instincts about our needs and wants. He began asking the saleswoman a series of questions. What were her hobbies and special interests? What did she think about early in the morning and late at night, when she was alone? What stories did she find herself always reading in the newspaperthe ones about rescues? About making money? About big fancy parties? What were the last two books she'd read, and why had she chosen them? What prizes, if any, had she won in her life, and for what? "What you're getting at is yearnings," Marcus says. "The activities that make us feel strong express these, but we can also find them through the subjects that interest us." The saleswoman, it turned out, always read the obituaries in the paper; she was especially drawn to the part at the end, where those left behind by the deceased were listed. She would find herself thinking about themthe wives and husbands, the parents and children, who had lost someone. For the saleswoman, the eureka moment didn't come when she realized she was drawn to stories of grieving; she'd always known this of herself. But after working with Marcus she was able to look at this interest in a new way: as a unique strength that she could and should offer the world, and for which the world, in turn, might pay her. That strength summed her up at her most valuable, not just because she was good at it but because she enjoyed itand when we enjoy doing something, we don't just stay good. We get better and better. The copy machine saleswoman, a naturally empathetic person who liked telling people what to do, knew that the grieving are often overwhelmed with decisions to make. Now she knew she might love guiding them through those circumstances. She was right. Once she finished volunteering at a hospice, she learned what

credentials were required to be a grief counselor, obtained them, and in so doing found real fulfillment for the first time in her life. After the strengths exercise, Kylie was a step ahead of where the copy machine saleswoman had been at the same point in the process. Kylie was in a job that somewhat let her do what she wanted: bring an idea of her own into tangible form. But the why of her job, which she'd initially thought was important to her she'd found working in news exciting at the startturned out not to be as crucial as the what (the ability to control and complete her own designs without unforeseen circumstances disrupting them). And she learned that the whothe presence of people with whom she could speak face-to-face and form bonds was just as indispensable. Marcus and Kylie subjected other potential jobs in the design industry to the three questions. "You have the wisdom within you to find the place where you can be your best self. That wisdom isn't out thereit's in there," Marcus says. Of any potential new job, Kylie had to ask, "What will I be doing? Will I be taking an idea of my own and bringing it to fruitionin an atmosphere free of the sort of constant flux that messes things up?" Kylie had told Marcus that she felt strongest when deeply immersed in the work of design; at those times, she said, "it's like a meditation." Clearly, Kylie needed to be designing in a peaceful environment. Next she had to ask, "Who will I be doing it with? Will I be on a small team of collaborators who talk to each other, or will I be lost in an impersonal hive?" Finally, she had to ask, "Why will I be designing?" Now that she knew how important thewhat of any future job wasthis was where her passion laythe why seemed far more flexible. Kylie might find greater happiness designing a gorgeously produced jewelry catalog than pages of a hectic daily newspaper. Wherever Kylie wound up professionally, she also had to remember that life is not work alone. The big lump of Kylie's professional unhappiness had expanded well outside the workplace, squeezing the things she most loved to the margins, if not out of existence completely. Singing was one of her passionsone of the new strengths she'd defined was, "I feel strong when I accurately express an emotion through song." Long ago Kylie's desire for order and stability had led her to leave music as a profession, a decision she didn't regret. But she needed passion in her off-hours as well; she needed to get music back into her life. Even if she did end up leaving the paper, she would take advantage of the company's resources while still there and post on a message board for fellow musicians. She was hiking as much as she could. When she was living in rural Michigan, she had loved gardening; now she noticed there were untended plots by her Manhattan building, and she was going to plant flowers in them. "I've been finding my way back to the person I was a long time ago," she told me. Incremental changes like these, Marcus feels, are far from small. They're powerful, because they're deliberate and insightful and true to ourselves. "Even if things seem like a disaster, don't leap," Marcus says. "Build a bridge and walk over. Build it out of today. In everybody's week, there are things they look forward to." Our unhappiness might make those things seem insignificant, like nothing more than scattered planks and nails. But start hammering them

together, and you'll find yourself, as Marcus says, with just the bridge to transport you from a place that you loathed to a place you can't wait to return to.

Going Nowhere Fast? How to Get Ahead at Work

By Suzy Welch Oprah.com | From the October 2008 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

The job started out so wellbut now you're frustrated, floundering, and confused. Why are co-workers ascending to the next rung of the career ladder while you're stuck in the same spot? Suzy Welch helps you get back on track.
Over the years, I've heard many unusual "How I Found My Career" stories, from the hairdresser who became a millionaire with an invention that came to her in a dream to the stay-at-home mom who catapulted to CEO of an Internet company five years after going back to work. But none surprised me more than the account offered by a 45-ish finance manager I once sat next to on a plane. "I started with my company right out of grad school," she told me, when we got to chatting about work, "and it's been a steady climb from there. A promotion every

four to five years. Very linear." She could see the astonishment on my face. I had literally never heard a career narrative, especially one covering 20 years in duration, that didn't include a period of lulla stallor some measure of disappointment along the way. "I know I'm kind of unusual," she said, reading my reaction. How about extremely? Don't get me wrong; not all career stalls are bad. You might hit a plateau as you wait (patiently or not) for a promotion to open up at your company. Or your career may stall if your company hits a tough economic stretch. A classmate of mine from business school has held the same middle management job in the automotive industry for the past seven years. At a reunion not long ago, she described herself as "stuck in the breakdown lane" but noted, "it's better than the scrap heap." Sometimes women will design plateaus into their careers for personal reasons. When my kids were toddlers and I was a management consultant, I curtailed my travel and cut back on my client load for several years, telling my boss, "I don't expect a promotion and I don't want one, if that's okay." Fortunately, it was, and after a few years, when my kids were in school for longer hours, I was able to crank up my performance again, and my career trajectory (eventually) followed. But most stalls aren't normal or intentional. Instead, they tend to creep up on you like a bad cold. At first you may notice you're not being included in meetings the way you used to be, a realization that comes on like a dull headache. Then you may begin to sense that your boss and teammates aren't talking to you as often. That gives you the shakes. Finally, you may not be able to avoid the fact that pay raises and promotions are passing you by, at which point you're overcome with the dizzying, stomach-churning insight, "Oh my God, I'm dead in the water around here." Yet the first reaction to a career stall, I've observed, is usually denial. Once, in Chicago, when I was giving a speech about career management, a woman in the audience asked me why newer employees in her company kept moving up the ladder before she'd had her turn. It wasn't fair, she lamentedafter all, she'd been working in the same position, as a logistics supervisor at a trucking company, for five years. "Are they passing me by because new hires are cheaper for the company?" she wanted to know. I told her it was possible but unlikely. "Given how companies usually work," I said, "it's probably because their performance is better." She winced, and I cringed. My intention had not been to hurt her feelings but to snap her into reality, because the longer you deny a career stall, the more likely it will turn into a nosedive. Later, when we spoke after my speech, I began to explain as much, but she cut me off to say that, deep in her gut, she already knew she was in trouble.

As we started talking about why, it turned out that this woman's story embodied all three of the most common reasons careers stall. First of all, she was dying of boredom. Her job, coordinating the movement of her company's Midwestern fleet of 200 trucks, had become rote and lost any meaning it once held for her. "I loved it when I started," she said. "I made mistakes. I was learning something. But now I could do it in my sleep." Her disillusionment reminded me of a letter I'd just received from a woman who worked at a national child welfare agency. "I passed up a six-figure offer at a consulting firm to take this job because I believed I would help change the world," she wrote. Instead, over time, she found herself paralyzed within an organization riddled with bureaucracy and internecine warfare, her days spent deflecting memos and preparing reports no one would read. She could barely drag herself to work every day. "Nothing I do makes a difference," she wrote. "And I've lost all interest in trying." Such disengagement often leads to the second common reason for a career stall, which is underperformance. Who shines on the job when she's bored? But boredom isn't the only reason performance suffers. Not long ago, I received an e-mail from an architect who was practically in despair, describing how hard her job had become. "Count me among the old dogs who cannot learn new tricks," she said. "But here I am at a certain age, unable to keep up with the pace that one advancement in technology after another has brought to my profession." Another woman I know, a medical researcher, started to stall when a new boss in her department at a Boston hospital tried to impress his new bosses by demanding more reports in shorter time frames. "My former boss thought I walked on water," she told me. The new boss exposed her professional weaknesses. "I work slowly, especially if it has to do with writing," she said. "I've missed more deadlines in the past six months than in my entire career. I probably won't be fired, but I certainly won't be sent to the usual medical conferences this year." The final common reason for career stall is something I call embedded reputation, a dynamic that ultimately blocks you from moving up in an organization because the powers that be will always see you as the lowly executive assistant they hired right out of college. Unfortunately, it's a rare organization that dares to break someone out of its own typecasting. Other embedded reputations come not from your past job but from your past errors. I once worked with an editor who got stuck in a career rut because our company's executives could not forget how emotionally fraught she'd been during the year of her divorce. "Too fragile," they said every time her name came up for a promotion, even if it was just to run a small team. Another journalist I know was never moved into management, despite his strong desire, because he was so closely associated with an online start-up project that had failed. "Every time people look at Carl," a colleague told me, "they see the big L stamped on his forehead."

Which brings me back to the trucking logistics supervisor in Chicago. She was bored. She was performing poorly. And, having more than once complained about her stagnation, she had an embedded reputation as a whiner. So what did I tell her? I gave her the same advice I'd give almost anyone with a stalled career. Get out. Start over. Again, not callousnessreality. Sure, it's possible to pull out of a stall. But it requires nothing short of a personal reinvention. You must take full responsibility for what has happened to your career, relieving all others of blame. And at the same time, you must push your performance to new heights, delivering outsize results with an unrelenting, upbeat attitude. Sound hard? It is, and it's made harder by the fact that the organization will likely not support you. Your teammates won't want to be associated with a person whose star is falling. And given the competitive pressures of work today, few bosses have the time or energy to work on an employee's boredom or underperformance. Even fewer have the political capital to change an employee's embedded reputation. So leave you must, difficult as that surely sounds, especially since you've probably worked at your company for years. But just as I have never met a person who didn't initially deny her career had come to a standstill, I have yet to meet one who didn't eventually come to wonder why she didn't get out sooner. An old colleague of mine, who toiled in a career plateau at our Miami newspaper for six years, later said to me, "I see that time now as if I were in a velvet coffin. I was so comfortable, I didn't realize I was dead." Although she started out at a lower level, a new job in New York totally reenergized her, and within two years she was promoted to a key role as an editor. Two years after that, she was part of a team that was nominated for the Pulitzer Prize. I saw her picture in the paper; she was smiling with a look of optimism and self-confidence I did not recognize. She had moved on indeed. And so will you, if you recognize your career stall, for whatever reason it is happening, and take action. Once you plant your feet in new territory, with time you'll fly high again.

Ready...Aim...Oh, Well...
By Martha Beck Oprah.com | From the July 2003 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Martha Beck is human. Humans goof. So why does she get her knickers in a twist about being flawless 24/7? A reformed perfectionist tells how she silenced the barking mosquito in her head.
At the moment (though not, I hope, by the time you read it), this article is a mess of redundant, poorly phrased, haphazardly punctuated drivel. At the top, written in bold capital letters, is the working title I use for all new projects: shitty first draft. I owe this graceful phrase to writer-teacher Anne Lamott, who recommends the shitty first draft as an indispensable phase of literary creationand, for that matter, any other human endeavor. A New Age-y friend of mine was once horrified to see my production title. "You manifest what you project," he cautioned. "If you want your writing to be perfect, you have to think of it as perfect." Maybe that works for him. Not me. I've never written anything within shrieking distance of perfect. Even trying scares me so much that the first time I did it, when I was assigned to write a poem for a middle school assignment, my doctormy pediatrician, mind youhad to put me on Valium. Most people realize that perfectionism, as Lamott puts it in her book Bird by Bird, "is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life." But seriously unwell people such as me run into trouble when we try to let go of perfectionism. We end up getting perfectionistic about our attempts to stop being perfectionists. I began finding

my way out of this psychological morass when I heard the Buddhist saying "To be enlightened is to be without anxiety over imperfection." Years after adopting this perspective, I'm still a perfectionist, but here's the thing: I don't care. I've found some reliable ways to reduce my anxiety about my imperfections, including my imperfection at ridding myself of perfectionism. I encourage you to try doing the following exercisesimperfectly. Exercise One: Personify your inner perfectionist. I've been using the term perfectionist as though it's something you can be. Actually, I think it's something people have, like brain damage. Separating your innate personality from your perfectionsim frees you to confront it, rather than get lost in it. To that end, I recommend giving your perfectionism its own name and face. Can't picture this inner critic? Start by thinking about a mistake you've made recently. Let the voice of the oppressor berate you ("You dumb, clumsy, fat, boring..." etc.). Listen: Does that voice sound familiar? Does it belong to your wicked stepmother, your boss, your ex-spouse, an amalgam of your leastfavorite movie critics? Try to summon a visual image of the tyrant. Scribble a picture of it, and do something insulting to this picture whenever your perfectionist acts up. In time, as you neutralize the destructive power inherent in this aspect of yourself, you may well lose all fear of it. By just externalizing and rejecting your inner critic, you can decrease your anxiety considerably. Exercise Two: Embrace creative hopelessness. Your perfectionism will tell you that it is your ticket to perfection, your one chance at a flawless existence. This may be true for you. If your brand of perfectionism has created a life free of mistakes or shortcomings, by all means, carry on. But if you're anything like me, perfectionism usually paralyzes you before you begin, stiffens you until you screw up, and sends shame howling through your consciousness even if you do well. It's time to wake up and smell this dark-roasted little truth: Perfectionism never delivers on its promise of perfection. It does not work. Some psychologists use the phrase "creative hopelessness" to describe the moments when we realize that our psychological strategies are useless or counterproductive. Embracing this hopelessnessin this case, relinquishing the delusional hope that we can or must be flawlessallows us to seek happiness in the only place it can be found: our real, messy, imperfect experience. To arrive at creative hopelessness, write down your reason for maintaining your perfectionism. It'll probably be something like this: PERFECTIONIST CREDO If I try hard enough and I'm very careful and I follow all the rules, everything will go right and everyone will love me and I'll feel good all the time. Now ask yourself the following question, made famous by our good friend Dr. Phil: So, how's it working for you?

The most common response I get when I ask this question, whether I'm addressing myself or a client, is laughter. Releasing our doomed, anxious hope for perfection opens us to the joy available in our actual livesespecially if we move on to the next exercise. Exercise Three: Do something badly. Gradual, safe exposure to whatever makes us anxious is always the most powerful way of eliminating anxiety. In order not to be cowed by imperfection, you must not only accept the imperfect, but seek it. Take shitty first drafts please. I never sit down to write an excellent first draft, or even a good one. My goal is always to create something readers wouldn't even want to scrape off their shoes. Adopting this objective gives me permission to do the lousy job I'm sure to do on any initial attempt. It gets me through the excruciating process of going from Nothing to Something, no matter how odious it may be, turning it into Something Better is usually less work, and you may even turn it into Something Good. The first step tward achieving excellence is imperfection. Try this: Choose something you've always wanted to dopaint, jog, whatever. Now set out to do this thingreally badly. Your inner perfectionist may erupt in violent protest. Thank her for sharing, then reward yourself for daring to do a terrible job. An even better option is the buddy system: Commit with a friend that you'll both do something really terribly, then praise each other for following through. If you have the guts to do this, you'll find that contrary to conventional wisdom, people love you when you're openly imperfect. I discovered this when teaching business school, a task I approached with little preparation, less talent, and all the confidence of a snowball headed for hell. On my desk, I kept a box labeled "Criticisms and Recommendations," in which my students could deposit anonymous suggestions about how I might improve my teaching. I learned so much from the students that my teaching improved rapidly. This is what happens whenever we free ourselves to grow by letting ourselves do something badly. Exercise Four: Just keep showing up. "Ninety percent of staying in shape," says one of my professional-athlete clients, "is getting to the gym." I've heard high-achieving people say the same thing about pretty much every human enterprise: Successful musicians just show up, day after day, to practice their instruments. Successful businessmen show up for their customers. Successful writers show up at the blank page. Ask any of them and they'll tell you that most days, they come nowhere near perfection. What makes them winners is not instant excellence but the sheer dumb repetition of showing up. The same is true of the even more significant task of sustaining human relationships. Consider the people who have most blessed your lifeare they the folks you remember as perfect or those who were simply, consistently there for you? You don't have to be perfect for your friends, your children, or your beloved; you just have to show up.

You may have noticed that this article, though edited since its initial shitty-firstdraft incarnation, is still far from perfect. Do I wish this were not the case? You bet your ass I do. My inner perfectionist (an immaculately dressed socialite who carries an arrest warrant, a flamethrower, and a bad case of rabies) is outraged by my literary shortcomings. But I have learned to let her fuss without succumbing to the anxiety she encourages. Long experience as a profoundly flawed person has taught me this unexpected truth: that welcoming imperfection is the way to accomplish what perfectionism promises but never delivers. It gives us our best performance, and genuine acceptance in the family of humanand by that I mean imperfectbeings.

10 Life Lessons You Should Unlearn

By Martha Beck Oprah.com | From the May 2010 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

In the past 10 years, I've realized that our culture is rife with ideas that actually inhibit joy. Here are some of the things I'm most grateful to have unlearned:
1. Problems are bad. You spent your school years solving arbitrary problems imposed by boring authority figures. You learned that problemscomment se dit?suck. But people without real problems go mad and invent things like base jumping and wedding planning. Real problems are wonderful, each carrying the seeds of its own solution. Job burnout? It's steering you toward your perfect career. An awful relationship? It's teaching you what love means. Confusing tax forms? They're suggesting you hire an accountant, so you can focus on more interesting tasks, such as flossing. Finding the solution to each problem is what gives life its gusto. 2. It's important to stay happy. Solving a knotty problem can help us be happy, but we don't have to be happy to feel good. If that sounds crazy, try this: Focus on something that makes you miserable. Then think, "I must stay happy!" Stressful, isn't it? Now say, "It's okay to be as sad as I need to be." This kind of permission to feel as we feelnot continuous happinessis the foundation of well-being.

3. I'm irreparably damaged by my past. Painful events leave scars, true, but it turns out they're largely erasable. Jill Bolte Taylor, the neuroanatomist who had a stroke that obliterated her memory, described the event as losing "37 years of emotional baggage." Taylor rebuilt her own brain, minus the drama. Now it appears we can all effect a similar shift, without having to endure a brain hemorrhage. The very thing you're doing at this momentquestioning habitual thoughtsis enough to begin off-loading old patterns. For example, take an issue that's been worrying you ("I've got to work harder!") and think of three reasons that belief may be wrong. Your brain will begin to let it go. Taylor found this thought-loss euphoric. You will, too. 4. Working hard leads to success. Baby mammals, including humans, learn by playing, which is why "the battle of Waterloo was won on the playing fields of Eton." Boys who'd spent years strategizing for fun gained instinctive skills to handle real-world situations. So play as you did in childhood, with all-out absorption. Watch for ways your childhood playing skills can solve a problem (see #1). Play, not work, is the key to success. While we're on the subject... 5. Success is the opposite of failure. Fact: From quitting smoking to skiing, we succeed to the degree we try, fail, and learn. Studies show that people who worry about mistakes shut down, but those who are relaxed about doing badly soon learn to do well. Success is built on failure. "If all my wishes came true, right now, life would be perfect" 6. It matters what people think of me. "But if I fail," you may protest, "people will think badly of me!" This dreaded fate causes despair, suicide, homicide. I realized this when I read blatant lies about myself on the Internet. When I bewailed this to a friend, she said, "Wow, you have some painful fantasies about other people's fantasies about you." Yup, my anguish came from my hypothesis that other people's hypothetical hypotheses about me mattered. Ridiculous! Right now, imagine what you'd do if it absolutely didn't matter what people thought of you. Got it? Good. Never go back. 7. We should think rationally about our decisions. Your rational capacities are far newer and more error-prone than your deeper, "animal" brain. Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal. Consider a choice you have to makeanything from which movie to see to which house to buy. Instead of weighing pros and cons intellectually, notice your physical response to each option. Pay attention to when your body tenses or relaxes. And speaking of bodies... 8. The pretty girls get all the good stuff. Oh, God. So not true. I unlearned this after years of coaching beautiful clients. Yes, these lovelies get preferential treatment in most life scenarios, but there's a catch: While everyone's looking at them, virtually no one sees them. Almost every gorgeous client had a husband who'd married her breasts and jawline without ever noticing her soul. 9. If all my wishes came true right now, life would be perfect. Check it out: People who have what you want are all over rehab clinics, divorce courts, and

jails. That's because good fortune has side effects, just like medications advertised on TV. Basically, any external thing we depend on to make us feel good has the power to make us feel bad. Weirdly, when you've stopped depending on tangible rewards, they often materialize. To attract something you want, become as joyful as you think that thing would make you. The joy, not the thing, is the point. 10. Loss is terrible. Ten years ago I still feared loss enough to abandon myself in order to keep things stable. I'd smile when I was sad, pretend to like people who appalled me. What I now know is that losses aren't cataclysmic if they teach the heart and soul their natural cycle of breaking and healing. A real tragedy? That's the loss of the heart and soul themselves. If you've abandoned yourself in the effort to keep anyone or anything else, unlearn that pattern. Live your truth, losses be damned. Just like that, your heart and soul will return home.

Peter Walsh's Surprising Way to Clean Up Clutter

By Jessica Winter Oprah.com | From the March 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Organizational expert Peter Walsh helps tidy up our cluttered thinking.

As leader of Oprah's Clean Up Your Messy House Tour on The Oprah Winfrey Show, Peter Walsh is carving order out of chaos in scores of domestic disaster areas. In his latest book, Enough Already! Clearing Mental Clutter to Become the Best You, he makes the link between a disorganized home and the untidy thoughts that can muddle our relationships and well-being. O: Enough Already! treats clutter not just as the physical stuff in our homes but as a metaphor for our lives. Walsh: My clients say things like, "I was buried under all that stuff," "I was

drowning," "I feel like I'm suffocating." We use those metaphors because clutter robs us of life. It robs us socially, when we're too embarrassed to have people over. It robs us spiritually, because we can't be at peace in a cluttered home. And it robs us psychologically, by stealing our ability to feel motivated in our space. O: And the term "clutter" is all-encompassing. Walsh: It means anything that stands between you and the vision you have for your best life. It could be a pile of inherited furniture or a jumble of kids' toys all over the living room. But it could also be the constant self-doubt that creeps into your decisionmaking, anger about how you're treated at work, shame about your weight or looks, or a tendency to respond defensively and critically when your spouse challenges you. Whatever the case, you have to ask yourself, "Does this item or thought or response move me closer to my vision for my best life?" If it does, great. If it doesn't, what is it doing in your life? O: So your house could be neat as a pin and you could still be in a badly cluttered relationship. Walsh: Maybe your partner says something you don't like and your immediate reaction is to attack. But if you insert a question"Will my response help create the relationship I want or damage it?"that's a transformational moment. You have to remove the clutter of competing egos and miscommunication, the clutter of assuming your partner might want to hurt you deliberately. A decluttered relationship is one in which you trust that you and your partner want each other to live your best lives. O: But what is the difference between a vision for your best life and an unattainable fantasy? Walsh: We have an infinite capacity for self-deception, yes. A lot of clutter is a lack of acceptance that a moment has passed. Maybe someone has kept all her college English papers because she wanted to be a writer, but she never put in the time and energy to make it happen. O:One of the unnerving things about physical clutter is that it's stealthy. You clean the house, but two days later it's a wreck again, and you don't know how it happened. Walsh: Ah, that's the cycle problem. If you put a load of clothes in the wash, and halfway through you turn the machine off and leave it for a few days, you will come back to a mound of smelly laundry. You have to finish the cycle. When you have a bowl of cereal, does the box go back in the cupboard? When

you bring in the mail, do you immediately open and sort it? At night, do your clothes go in the hamper or on the floor? We have a choice: to be mindful and complete the cycle, or to end up with a stinky load of washing in the metaphorical machine. Inside we're all 8-year-olds expecting someone to pick up after us. Those days are gone.

12 Ways to Unclutter Your Life

By Andrew Mellen Oprah.com | From the September 2008 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

He's got organizational superpowers! He can bring order to your kitchen and demystify the reasons you're hanging on to things you don't need (and don't even like) in your closets, drawers, basement. He's here to help get your house, and your sanity, back. He's Andrew Mellen, a.k.a. VirgoMan.
Think of this scenario: If your house were burning and your family, pets, and purse were already out of harm's way, what else would you want to save? Probably not the blender that only works on one speed, the china you inherited but never use, or the photo in which you're not exactly looking your best. Which

begs the question: If those things aren't worth taking, why are they in your home in the first place? There's no reason to be surrounded by things that don't work, that you don't need, or that you don't even like. As a professional organizer, I help my clients figure out what they should keep and what they should kiss goodbye; then we figure out how to make what they have work for them. You can do it yourself by following the steps I've outlined: The Ground Rules 1. Everything you own should have value, either because it's functional or beautiful or you just love it.Remember the question of what you'd grab if your house were on fire; that's your baseline for determining an object's worth. 2. Every item needs a place where it "lives." Setting things down on the coffee table or kitchen counter creates piles and confusion. My clients mock me when I say, "Where do your keys live? They live in a bowl or on a hook by the front door"but you never lose anything when you put it where it lives. 3. Focus on one thing at a time. Multitasking is supposed to help you get more things done quickly, but when you try to do 19 things at once, everything ends up incomplete. You're trying to simplify your life, so simplify your approach to getting organized. Now let's get started.

The Crammed Kitchen Your kitchen is a food preparation area, not a storage space. The idea here is to weed out what you're not using, then put similar items together and in the best places. Appliances: Machines that are broken or aren't used are just taking up space. If your Crock-Pot has a missing lid that you say you're going to replace someday, or you're keeping the bread maker just because it was a gift, get rid of it. Food containers: All your plastic storage items should have corresponding lids. If you don't have one or the other, it's a recycling item. Pots and pans: If there isn't a lot of space in your kitchen, use a pot rack. If you have the space, hang them along the wall for fast access. Knives: If you're short on counter space, consider the type of knife block that fits in a drawer. Plastic bags: Everybody has a plastic bag full of other plastic bags. Use the ones you have for trash can liners, or take them back to the supermarket for recycling. Keep canvas shopping totes in the car so you don't accumulate more plastic bags. Mesh shopping bags roll up small enough to be kept in your

handbag for unexpected trips to the market. Cookbooks: Unless you're a collector or you have a lot of room, edit them. How often do you use the cookbook? If you've had it for years but it's never gotten a single stain or burn from use, donate it. How to go from swamped to sanenow! The Pile of Mail If you can't finish the mail, don't start the mail. You can't slice chicken for dinner and sort your bills at the same time, so when you come in the front door with a stack of mail, put it in the basket, box, or whatever container you have handy for this purpose. You don't have such a container? No wonder there are so many piles of mail around your house. When you're ready, take your mail basket to wherever you deal with paperwork. First, pull out the circulars and flyers and set them aside; you'll either clip the coupons or put them in the recycling binlater. Also set aside the catalogs. If you're shopping for something specific, save them. (Caveat: no multiples. The new catalog replaces the old one, which gets recycled.) If you're getting catalogs you never wanted in the first place, pull off the pages with the mailing label and put them aside; that's an action item for later. Then separate the rest: bills, personal correspondence, time-sensitive invitations, requests for charitable donations, membership renewals, new credit card offers, and so forth. Open the bills first because they represent a relationship that must be honored; if you want the services, you have to pay. All the stuffing that says "You've been selected to receive these free gifts" goes into the recycling bin. All you want is the bill and the return envelope. Put any invitations aside; later on, you'll transfer those into your calendar and send your response. If there's room in your home office, have small bins in which to stack bills, invitations, and the correspondence you're keeping. When you're done sorting, then you can read your magazines. Or get those back pages you ripped out, call the companies that sent them, and tell them what you don't wanttheir catalogs. (You can also log on to Catalogchoice.org, a free service that will stop these unwanted mailings from being sent to you.) The Overstuffed Closet My clients have a lot of "someday" best. Someday I'm going to fit into these again. Someday this trend might return. Someday I'm going to wear this. The problem is, "someday" doesn't exist; there's only today. Here's what to do with what's being worn only by your hangers.

Clothes that don't fit: If you've gained weight, keep the smaller-sized clothes that you'll get the most use from and work on fitting into them again. If you've already lost weight, don't keep a whole closetful of big clothes as though one day you're going to suddenly be struck fat; donate them. Trend items: If you're waiting for something to come back in style, don't. Even if it does return, it will look datedand so will you. Special occasion outfits: The rule that says "If you haven't worn it in a year, donate it" is a fine guide for when to say goodbye. Sentimental pieces: You say, "I really loved this jacket." I know you did. But if you haven't worn it in ages and it doesn't work with your other clothes, it's time for it to go away. If you're saving your wedding dress, be honestdo you have the space to store it? Do you have a daughter you're saving it for, and is it a timeless classic she won't roll her eyes at? If the answers are yes, keep it. If you're short on storage space, you have only sons, or your dress has puffy sleeves, lace, and buttons up the arms because you did a kind of Linda Ronstadt circa 1974 thing, give it to a thrift store or DonateMyDress.org, which provides formal wear to girls who can't afford prom or special occasion dresses. Now that you have a closetful of clothes that you actually wear, organize themall the short-sleeved shirts together, all the jeans together, etc. Do the same with your shoes. If you have the space, they can be kept on shelves so you can see them immediately. If not, try stacking shelves or hanging shoe racks.

The Drawer Full of Photos If you don't have time to put your photos in an album or scrapbook, it's okay to stop pretending you're going to do it. Get clear shoe boxes to store them in instead. Then get a kitchen timer. Why? Because sorting through photos leads to reminiscing, and suddenly it's three hours later. But you're not looking at photos nowyou're organizing them so that looking at them later will be more fun. Decide how long you have and set the timer. Group the photos by subjectthe family reunion, your trip to Istanbul. While you're grouping, you're also sorting: Is it a clear picture? Do you even know who those people are? Throw away any that don't measure up, and any in which you can't stand the sight of yourself. When you're done, label the boxes accordingly: "Family Reunion, February 2008." The New Things That Haven't Been Used Do you buy things because they're on sale? If you didn't need them, they

weren't a bargain. Here are the three questions to ask before you buy anything: 1. Where would this live? A very practical consideration, especially if you're trying to declutter. 2. What am I going to do with it? If it has a purpose or fills a need, fine. If you already have four of them, not fine. 3. What is it replacing? When something is broken or you don't like the old version as much as the new one, then by all means, charge away. But be prepared to get rid of the old item when you get home.

The Inherited Items and Mementos Your home is not a museum. Many people subscribe to the unwritten rule that you're obligated to keep your great-aunt's dishes, even if you don't like them, just because she used them. But maybe your great-aunt never liked them either and also felt too guilty to let them go. Things don't have to become yours simply because they belonged to a relative. You're not living her life, and you're not a bad person for giving inherited items away. If the acquired stuff is worth money, you may feel bound to it financially: "It's real silverI can't give it away." Yes, you can. Donate it, document what it's worth, and take it off your taxes. Or give it to another family member who would really like it. Or sell it on eBay. And if you like something enough to keep it, consider it a replacement, not an additionkeep Grandma's reading lamp, but donate the one you already have. Mementos from your own life are harder to part with because when you see them, you relive the story: To you, it's the cashmere V-neck you wore on your first date with the man who would become your husband; to anyone else, it's just an old sweater full of holes. The key to parting with items suspended in time is not to replay that story. Leave the room, come back in, and see what you're really holding on toa sweater that's seen better days. Rule of thumb: If it serves no purpose, let it go.

The Car (Or, "The Storage Space on Wheels") If you have to clear off the backseat for company, there's a problem. What shouldn't be in the car: old food wrappers, toys, the dry cleaning or recycling you've been meaning to drop off for a week (just take it out of the car until you're ready to make the trip), out-of-season tools (if it's June, you can remove the ice scraper from the trunk).

What should be in the car: registration, insurance certificate, owner's manual, maps and/or GPS, extra pair of sunglasses in case of glare, small folding umbrella, headset for your cell phone (preferably you're not talking while driving, but if you are, please be hands-free), envelope with supermarket and drivethrough restaurant coupons and any gift certificates you've received (it's pointless for them to be in the drawer at home). What should be in the trunk: tool kit, flashlight, working spare tire. In winter, add ice scraper, bag of kitty litter (for traction in snow), a small blanket. The Chaotic Computer You don't want to spend an hour looking for a scone recipeor your rsumbecause you're searching through all the stuff on your desktop. If you can't see the pretty picture on your computer screen because it's full of icons for documents, downloads, and photos, start making folders. Color-code them: The folder for your financial documents can be green, the one for your job search can be blue. Like goes with likeall your rsums in one folder, all photos in another. Label each one clearly. Then put all your folders in "My Documents," a master folder that you have whether you're on a Mac or a PC. You can save e-mail correspondence, but discard the one that says, "Great, see you at 12 on Thursday!" and save the one with information about what you discussed. By the way, if you're constantly responding to e-mail, you're being pulled away from the things that you need or want to do. Try checking it hourly.

The (Shudder) Basement or Garage Where do you start? With the bad, scary corner. First, get rid of unsalvageables. If the basement flooded and a whole bunch of stuff got waterlogged, these are no longer your possessions; they're a mildewfest. Just say goodbye. Once you've gotten rid of the garbage, start grouping similar items, which makes it easy to see what there's too much of and what's broken. Tackle one category at a timethe holiday decorations, the seasonal clothing, the journals you've been keeping for years. If you have enough room, spread everything out to take stock of it all. When everything has been sorted, prune: Is this important enough to save? Is it useful? Discard what isn't. Next, containerize what's left, but don't buy storage bins until you have an understanding of what you're putting into them. It doesn't serve you to come

home with two 40-gallon tubs if what you need is 19 shoe boxes. I'm all about clear plastic storage; sure, you can label boxes, but why not be able to see the contents immediately? And if you also use your basement as a play space for your kids or to entertain, get rolling shelves that can be moved to one side of the room and perhaps even covered with drapes. At the end of this project, you'll have accomplished three goals: There will be less stuff, what's left will be in order, and everything will be in containers that work with your space. Being organized isn't about getting rid of everything you own or trying to become a different person; it's about living the way you want to live, but better. There are enough things in the world that you can't controlbut you can bring some order into your home and your life.

Urgent! Urgent! (Or Is It?)

By Martha Beck Oprah.com | From the October 2008 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

If you're spending all your time putting out firesand never getting to the things that really matterSTOP! Martha Beck shows you the chart that draws a line between must-do-this-minute time killers and "I've always wanted to..." soul satisfiers.
About a year ago, I watched a speech online about time management given in 1998 by Randy Pausch, PhD, a professor at Carnegie Mellon University. Pausch cautioned listeners not to waste energy on activities that seem urgent but aren't important. Choose instead, Pausch suggested, to spend time on activities that are deeply important, even if they don't seem critical. That was an excellent speech. It would become extremely poignant in 2006, when the then 45-year-old Pausch was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.

Watching another of his speeches onlinethe famous "Last Lecture" (now a best-selling book), in which he teaches his three young children how to make their dreams come trueI wondered if this time management expert sensed, even back in 1998, that he'd spend less time on earth than anyone wished. Pausch's work and his personal story drive home a lesson we all know but frequently forget: To live richly and avoid regret, we must give priority to things of real importance. But in a world where everything from your BlackBerry to your car's oil filter to your grandmother is competing for your limited time, this requires deliberate, consistent choice. The good news is that we can develop the habit of choosing what's really important over everything else. Life seems designed to teach us how to do this. Pay attention, and you'll notice that even when you're under "urgent" pressure to do something unimportant, it feels discordant and wrong. Do what really matters, and your life comes into harmonious alignment. Don't believe me? Apply the concepts that follow, and call me in the morning.

First (and Second) Things First

To me, Stephen Covey will always be the smart, funny guy on my high school debate team who, when it was time to be cross-examined by an opponent, would drop the "c" from the traditional phrase "I'm now open for cross-ex," so that it came out "I'm now open for raw sex." The judges never noticed, and the rest of us debaters thought Steve was hilarious. We also sort of knew that his dad, Stephen Covey Sr., was a renowned management guru. Randy Pausch was quoting Steve's dad when he proposed categorizing all activities on a matrix of apparent urgency and ultimate importance, like this:

As Covey observed, we almost always do the things in Quadrant I (stuff that's both important and urgent, like feeding the kids and paying the rent), and almost never get to Quadrant IV (like reading junk mail). That's good. However, we tend to focus on Quadrant III (urgent but not important things, like talking to a demanding co-worker about her rotten boyfriend) to the detriment of Quadrant II (no-deadline pastimes like writing a book, basking in nature's beauty, or taking time to be still). Covey proposed devoting less time to the dinky tasks, even those that are urgent, and more time to those things that are really important. Here's an exercise he proposed:
1.

Get 20 or 30 notecards. On each card, write down one thing you should do, want to do, hope to do, plan to do, or dream of doing. Include everything, no matter how large or small. Keep this up until your brain runs dry.

2. When you've written down all your goals, plans, and ideas, separate the cards into two piles: things that have to be done right this minute (or feel like it) and those that don't.

3. Now go through both of these piles, separating each into "important" and "not important" stacks. The four resulting stacks correlate with the Covey Quadrants.

4. Carefully place both your "not important" card stacks in a safe spot. This, if my experience is any indication, will ensure that you'll never find them again. If you do happen to stumble across them at any time in the future, burn them.

5. Commit to eliminating from your schedule all the activities that didn't make it into the "important" stacks. If you have time after doing your important and urgent things, use it on important but not urgent activities. No matter how pressing something may seem to be, if it's not important, just don't do it.

From Theory to Practice: Living a Quadrant II Life

Planning to live this way is one thing; changing habits of thought and action is another. You're subjected to daily pressure to do things that, while unimportant in the long run, may seem unavoidable in the middle of a PTA meeting. Congratulate yourself every time you drop a Quadrant III activity and replace it with something from Quadrant II. Here are some substitutions I made after doing this exercise: o Postponed promoting new book to raise money for research on Down syndrome.
o o o o o o o

Canceled client meeting to bake my daughter's birthday cake. Blew off e-mail to chat on the phone with dear friend. Blew off e-mail to volunteer at local methadone clinic. Blew off e-mail to exercise. Blew off e-mail to bathe. Blew off e-mail to sleep. Blew off e-mail to sense a theme developing here.

At this point, I'd like to apologize to all of you who didn't receive an e-mail

response from me this month. Blame Covey and Pausch. (Actually, thanks, Covey and Pausch!) E-mail may be crucially important to you, in which case it should get your consistent attention. But it amazed me, when I did the Quadrant exercise, how many of my urgent-seeming emails felt less important than working for people in need, caring for my health, or being with friends and family. I realized that I could easily spend all my time shoveling out the electronic Augean stables, missing countless small experiences that add up to my life's purpose.

How to Determine What's Important

As powerful as this exercise was for me, it posed a few vexing questions. Highly effective people seem to cut through life's complexities in bold, clean strokes; reading their books or watching their lectures, you can practically hear them telling their secretaries: "No, no, Mabel, can't you see that's urgent, but it's not important? And cancel my 5 o'clock; I'll be meeting with His Holiness the Pope instead." By contrast, my prioritization is plagued with ambiguity. Is chasing my beagle round and round the sofa important? Urgent? Many would say it's neither, but Cookie clearly thinks it's both, and who am I to say he's wrong? I might dismiss Cookie's opinion on the grounds that he's small and furry, but what about, say, the authors who'd like me to promote their books? The stack of manuscripts in my office is taller than I am, and every volume is both urgent and important to its author. If you, like me, tend to include other people's priorities in your decision-making, the Covey Quadrant exercise requires you to break that pattern. You can't differentiate between "this is due today" and "this is important" when you are (to quote the 15th-century mystic Kabir) "tangled up in others." You must untangle yourself, still all other voices, and go to the deepest place within to know what's important and urgent in your unique and singular life. This can be difficult at first, but as you focus on it, you'll discover a beautiful surprise: Your life has been waiting for just this opportunity to help you choose what's right for you, even when other people (and the occasional beagle) are telling you that their own code-red desires should

take priority. It does this like a good psychological behaviorist, by making things difficult and taxing when they're not important, delicious and relatively effortless when they are. When I say this to new clients, they look at me cynically, as if I've promised them a unicorn. But when they begin paying attention, they soon notice how good life feels when they're doing what thrills them, and how bad it feels when they're not. The bad feeling is most noticeable at first; a sense of awkwardness, like petting a cat from back to front. Tasks go badly. My clients forget things: their keys, their wallets, the way to the office. Conversations are stilted. Energy ebbs without ever flowing. If these clients don't change course, unease may grow into anger, depression, health problems, or total burnout. This feels awful, but the uncomfortableness is a wonderful incentive to begin finding out how good a life of real significance can feel. Drop what's unimportant and replace it with activities from Covey Quadrant IIthings that replenish your physical, emotional, and spiritual wellbeingand suddenly, everything becomes much easier. Energy returns, anger disappears, you begin smiling spontaneously. The cat stops generating static electricity, and starts to purr. To follow your life's guidance, you may have to reassign some seemingly important things to "unimportant." If you believe that pleasing your horrible boss or having a spotless house is a higher priority than playing with your children or sleeping off the flu, be prepared for a long and strenuous battle against destiny. Also, be prepared to lose. And after you've lost, go online and watch Randy Pausch's last lecture. In Pausch, who died on July 25, you'll see the clarity and joy of a man who chose all along to do what really mattered. That's no consolation prize; that's true victory.

As you focus more on what's important to your soul, filling your schedule with the kinds of things that are vital though maybe not due this minute, every day will bring more enjoyment and refreshment. You'll be fascinated and invigorated, open to everything from artistic creativity to (in the legendary words of Stephen Covey Jr.) "raw sex."

"This is the true joy in life," wrote George Bernard Shaw, "the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one. ... Life is no 'brief candle' for me. It is a sort of splendid torch, which I have got hold of for the moment; and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations." This is the credo of Quadrant II. Abide by it, and you'll find a path that illuminates the world for you and others, even after you're gone. No matter what others may think, say, or do, your whole life will become a blaze of glory.

Dream Big: Why You Need Wildly Improbable Goals

Oprah.com | From the September 2002 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

They began as signals, tugs. And with careful tending her most unlikely dreams came true. Martha Beck helps you set the stage for your next great thing.
I was 13, doing my homework in front of my family's broken-down television, when I felt strangely compelled to look up at the screen. It showed an athlete running around an indoor track. I heard myself say out loud, "That's where I'm going to college." A split second later the TV narrator's voice came on: "Here at Harvard University's athletic center..." My heart stopped. Not in my most fevered dreams had I ever considered applying to an Ivy League school. Such behavior would be unusual, if not downright bizarre, for a girl from my deeply conservative Utah town. Besides, going to Harvard required several thousand times more brains, talent, and money than I would ever have. On the other hand, I felt the truth of my own strange words in the marrow of my bones. Okay, I thought nervously, maybe going to Harvard isn't utterly unthinkable. Maybe it's just barely, barely possible. Right there, in front of the TV, I surrendered to the first of what I would one day call my Wildly Improbable Goals (WIGs, for short).

Decades later I have a couple of Harvard diplomas stuck in a closet, and a happy expectation that sometime soon another WIG is going to pop, unbidden, into my consciousness. I've watched this happen repeatedly, not only to me but to loved ones and clients. I suspect it may have happened to you, too. Perhaps it was just a flicker of thought that transported you for a moment, before you dismissed it as nonsense. Maybe it's a dream that simply will not let go of you, no matter how often you tell yourself not to hope for anything so big, so unlikely. Or it may be an ambition you've already embraced, even though everyone else thinks you need serious medication. In any case, learning to invite and accept your own WIG can awaken you to a kind of ubiquitous, benevolent magic, a river of enchantment that perpetually flows toward your destiny. Time travel I might as well admit what I believe about these minor prophecies I call WIGs. I suspect they're not so much mental constructs as literal glimpses of the future. I stand behind Albert Einstein's comment that "people like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion." Physics tells us that time can be stretched or compressed like Silly Putty, and I am just woo-woo enough to believe that we humans might sometimes sense truths that are ordinarily veiled by our assumptions or self-imposed rules. Prescienceknowing about events that haven't yet occurredis not altogether foreign to behavioral science. In one study, experimenters showed test subjects a series of images, including both pleasant pictures and violent or otherwise emotional ones. The researchers were not surprised to find that the subjects' blood pressure and heart rate increased in response to the upsetting images. They had not anticipated, however, that this reaction would occur seconds before the subjects saw the violent picturesa result that has been replicated in other studies but never satisfactorily explained. What occurs infinitesimally in laboratory experiments takes on huge dimensions in the lives of some extraordinary people. Joan of Arc had goals so wildly improbable that she was burned as a witch for achieving them. A young Winston Churchill once said to a friend, "I tell you I shall be in command of the defenses of London... In the high position I shall occupy, it will fall to me to save the Capital and save the Empire." Do such people accomplish great things because they dreamed near impossible dreams, or were their dreams previews of what they were destined to achieve? I'm open to either explanation. To me, one seems as mysterious as the other. Whether our WIGs are the cause or effect of our actions, they have a peculiar power to lift us beyond what we thought to be our limitations. Next: "You must befriend, protect, and nurture your own spirit" Wild Kingdom At this point, I hope you're wondering how you can set your own Wildly Improbable Goals. The problem is, you can't. WIGs are to normal thoughts what Siberian tigers are to house cats, and your "right mind" doesn't have the hunting skills to find them. Fortunately, your WIGs can find you. The knowledge of your

destiny may stalk you for years, undetected except for occasional moments of longing or hope that glint like eyeshine in your darkest hours. Then when you least expect it, a WIG will leap out of nowhere and overwhelm you in one breathtaking burst. I've had the privilege of watching many clients recognize WIGs. It's thrilling to see people who thought they were directionless realize they're about to run for office or buy a house or publish a novel or have a baby. If these moments were broadcast on cablethe Wildly Improbable Discovery ChannelI'd watch it all day long. Speaking of having babies, that process is somewhat similar to the procedure for inviting WIGs into your life. You can't force a WIG to happen, but you can create conditions that will either prevent it or invite it. One precondition is absolutely necessary: You must befriend, protect, and nurture your own spirit. This means paying attention to your real needs, treating yourself not just fairly but kindly, and standing up for yourself even if that displeases people around you. Just as a run-down body may be unable to conceive a healthy new life, a run-down soul can't support the healthy development of the life you were meant to have. Helping it Happen Once you've met the basic condition of self-care, there are several strategies you might use to lure your WIGs out of hiding. One is to take a pencil in your dominant hand (right for right- handers, left for lefties) and write down a few pointed questions, such as "What are you feeling?" "What do you need?" and "What do you want?" As soon as you've finished writing a question, switch the pencil to your other hand and write whatever words bubble up. You may be surprised. When your problem-solving mind is fully engaged, trying to master the task of writing with the "wrong" hand, hidden aspects of the self often surface. I've seen people encounter full-fledged WIGs in the shaky words written by their own nondominant hand. If you think more visually than verbally, you may want to try another exercise: time travel. Take a few quiet minutes, relax in a comfortable place, close your eyes, and imagine that the date has changed. It's the same day of the same month, but the year is 2005, 2012, or 2020. Figure out how old you are in the year you've chosen. How old is your best friend? Your children? Your spouse? Let yourself inhabit this time. Now with your eyes still closed, simply describe your circumstances. Where are you? What are you wearing? What is the weather like? Now describe your life. What is most important to you on this date? What projects occupy you? Who hangs out with you? Try to simply observe rather than make things up. If no images appear, don't worry. Your WIGs are still hiding, but you've called them and they are listening. They may show up after you've finished the exercise, when you're brushing your teeth or making your bed. A third WIG-baiting exercise also involves time travel, but for this one you don't project yourself into the future. Instead your future self comes back to visit you. Imagine meeting a wise, happy person who just happens to be your best self ten years from now. Ask this person for advice. If you're facing a problem, ask your mentor how she got through it ten years back. Ask her what mistakes

you're making and how you might correct them. As with the previous exercise, you may initially get no answer. Nevertheless, your true self, that wise being who exists outside of time, has registered the questions. The answers will come. When it Hits Being struck by a WIG is nothing like setting an ordinary goal. First of all, you'll notice that it is not something you thought up; it seems to come from somewhere beyond thought. Second, you'll feel an almost physical jolt of yearning, as though your heart is straining toward its destiny. Third, you'll have the vertiginous sensation of your mind boggling. If you haven't experienced this before, you'll probably feel overwhelmed, the way I felt at 13, watching that runner circle the Harvard track. You won't even be able to imagine the mess of work and luck necessary to make it happen. The very idea will seem impossible...almost. That "almost" will tickle the edges of your consciousness, tempting you to believe that somehow, someway, your dream may fall just inside the realm of probability. How can you be sure? You can't. Fortunately, your first step is simple: Write down your WIG. In detail. Immediately, before you regain your sanity and lose your nerve. Next: "Once you've written your WIG, the real work begins" Experts say that simply writing down goals greatly increases your chance of actually achieving them. Perhaps it's because the act of writing primes your brain to scan the environment, looking for opportunities that will take you toward your objectives. Many choices you make en route to realizing your WIG will be so inconspicuous that you won't even notice them, but over time they'll add up to huge changes in direction. Once you've written your WIG, the real work begins. I've had many clients who, impressed by the strange electricity of their WIGs, assume that this intense feeling alone will magically create the desired reward. Yeah, right. I think the reason WIGs have so much mojo is that we need a huge reservoir of desire to keep us slogging through the hard work needed to realize them. Almost invariably, the effort necessary to achieve a WIG is not less than we expect but more. That said, the process of working toward a WIG does seem to land us in extraordinary territory. Creativity coach Julia Cameron comments that her clients reap the fruit of their labors only if they are willing to go out and "shake the trees," but weirdly, the fruit that falls almost never comes from the tree the person is shaking. This has been my experience as well. By the time I was 15, I'd developed a shortlist of WIGs that included three rather childish goals: I wanted to learn to ski, own a ten-speed bicycle, and visit Europe. Once programmed, my brain began noticing job opportunities and sporting-goods sales, and I slowly earned enough money to buy a bike and some used ski equipment. I was also working on selling enough French-club perfume to win a trip to Europe. I'd sold three whole ounces and had only a couple of gallons to go, when a Yugoslavian friend sent my family two round-trip tickets to Europe that he was too busy to use. Days later I was standing on European soil, dizzy with jet lag and euphoria.

That patternthe recognition of a WIG, followed by enormous amounts of work, followed by a miraclehas happened to me so many times that it's almost stopped surprising me. I see it strike my clients as well, when they prepare a safe space for their true selves, ask a few questions, and accept the answers. You already know your own WIGs, though you may not yet realize it. The part of you that is unhampered by illusionthe illusion of time, the illusion of powerlessness, the illusion of impossibilityis waiting for you to slow down and open up so that it can speak to your consciousness. In some unguarded moment, you will hear its wildly improbable words and know that they are guiding you home.

Do You Know Your Emotional Blind Spots?

Oprah.com | From the July 2002 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

You keep dating the same jerks. You think you're fat and you're not. You haveta-daa blind spot. Martha Beck leads you on a vision quest.
"Oh, my gosh," I said, "I'm huge!" I was looking at an image of myself, though not in a mirror or photograph. I'd just finished running a computer graph that summarized input from a class of psychology students. Each person was represented as a circle, with the size of the circle showing how dominant the group perceived that individual to be. I was, indubitably, immense. Although I was only the teaching assistant, my circle was at least four times bigger than anyone else'sincluding the professor's. It took me several minutes to start raking up the shambles of my preconceptions. Apparently, the way others saw me was nothing like the way I saw myself. Growing up as the seventh of eight opinionated, vociferous siblings, and spending my adult life in academic settings where wordplay was sharper and more aggressive than swordplay, I'd always felt timid and inconspicuous. To compensate, I put all the energy I could into everything I said. The resulting impression was that, as one student put it, "if someone asked you to light a cigarette, you'd haul out a flamethrower."

Most of us have such psychological "blind spots," aspects of our personalities that are obvious to everyone but ourselves. There's the mother who complains, "I don't know why little Horace is so violentI've smacked him for it a thousand times." Or your gorgeous friend who believes she has all the seductive allure of a dung beetle. Or the coworker who complains that, mysteriously, every single person he's ever worked for develops the identical delusion that he's shiftless and incompetent. As we roll our eyes at such obliviousness, some of us might think, What about me? Do I have blind spots, and if so, what are they? You can find the answers if you care toor more accurately, if you dare to. This is the roughest mission you can undertake: a direct seek-and-destroy attack on your own pockets of denial. Denial is far trickier than simple ignorance. It isn't the inability to perceive information but the astonishing ability to perceive information while automatically refusing to allow it into consciousness. Our minds don't perform this magical trick without reason. We only "go blind" to information that is so troubling, so frightening, or so opposed to what we believe that to absorb it would shatter our view of ourselves and the world. On the other hand, becoming fully conscious of our perceptionssimply feeling what we feel and knowing what we knowis the very definition of awakening. It creates a virtually indestructible foundation for lasting relationships, successful endeavors, and inner peace. Hunting down your blind spots is a bumpy adventure, but it can lead to sublime destinations. Identifying your own blind spots is an exercise in paradox, because if you're aware of a problem, it doesn't count. It's like tracking the wind: You can't observe the thing itself, only its effects. The tracks that a blind spot leaves are repetitive experiences that seem inexplicable, the things that make you exclaim, Why does this always happen to me? For example: 1. You keep having the same relationship with different people. All of Macy's friends are "takers," emotional parasites who drain her and give nothing back. Steve's three ex-wives all had extramarital affairs. No one in Corrine's lifeher children, her coworkers, her motherever responds to her feelings. These people don't know that they carefully choose friends and lovers who match certain psychological profiles or that their behavior elicits similar

reactions from almost everyone they encounter. It would take you about five minutes with Macy to see that she's so self-effacing she actually resists normal friendships, gravitating only toward takers. Steve's friends will tell you he falls for women who remind him of his mother, an enthusiastic practitioner of promiscuous sex. Corrine is so reserved that even the most intuitive people can't read her moods. All three have gone through life blaming their relationship patterns on other people's shortcomings. 2. Your luck never changes. Over years of life-coaching, I've become more and more convinced that we create our own "luck." I'm not saying that there's no such thing as blind fate, but I am saying that choice is far more powerful than chance in determining the pattern of our failures and successes over time. Many of my clients have lost jobs in the economic downturn that followed 9/11, but those who were previously doing well in their careers are finding ways to learn from their experience and bounce back. Those who complained of relentless bad luck before being laid off have slid further downhill. A client I'll call Shirley recently complained, "When my sister was fired, I thought we'd bond because we both had the same bad luck. But then she started her own business, so it turns out that for her getting fired was good luck. Just like always, she gets all the breaks." As I punted Shirley to a psychotherapist, I wondered if they train Seeing Eye dogs for people with her kind of blindness. If so, Shirley will almost certainly develop a dog allergy. 3. People consistently describe you in a way that doesn't fit your selfimage. If tracking patterns in love and luck isn't enough to reveal your blind spots, there's another way to go after them. You just have to notice what people tell you about yourselfthe things you have always cleverly ignored or routinely discounted. Complete the following sentences as accurately as you can, and you might be closing in on a truth you haven't fully acknowledged.

"People are always telling me that I'm..." "I get a lot of compliments about..." "When my friends or family members are angry with me, they say that..." "People often thank me for..."

If you heartily agree with all the information that pops up in response to these phrases, you've simply reinforced an accurate self-concept by recalling times

when others have validated your perceptions. But if any of the descriptions seem strange, incongruous, or flat-out false, consider the possibility that your image of yourself may not be accurateand almost certainly doesn't correspond to what other people perceive. By the way, you may well discover that you're blind to your positive characteristics as well as negative ones. Some people (especially women) may be so biased against being arrogant that they overlook or dismiss their own best qualities. Next: How to get rid of your blind spots If the evidence suggests that you have blind spots, you can try to eliminate them with a simple mindfulness exercise. You already know what's in your blind spot; it's just that looking at it makes you extremely uncomfortable. Only by being very gentle with yourself will you become able to tolerate more awareness. So as kindly as you can, ask yourself the following questions: 1. What am I afraid to know? 2. What's the one thing I least want to accept? 3. What do I sense without knowing? Whatever comes into your mind, do nothing about it. Not yet. If you feel even a hint of some new realization, you've taken a huge step. More insights will arrive soon, and the kinder you are to yourself over time, the more likely you are to experience major breakthroughs. A friend I'll call Laura had struggled for years with persistent anxiety caused, she said, by something she felt was "poking at" her consciousness. After she took up meditation, Laura gradually became more self-aware until one day the Big One finally hit her like an earthquake on the San Andreas Fault. "I was feeling very peaceful, and suddenly I noticed that I was gay. I truly hadn't thought this before, which is odd when you consider that I was in a relationship with a woman. I assumed that if you were a lesbian, you knew it from the getgo. I knew I loved herI'd simply never let myself think about what that implied. I called my girlfriend and said, 'Julie, I'm gay!' She paused, then said, 'Well, now you tell me.'" Laura is an intelligent woman, and her experience shows just how slowly and tentatively the mind accepts frightening knowledge, no matter how obvious. Hunting for your own blind spots, like trying to examine the back of your own head, is much less efficient than soliciting feedback from others. This process combines the attractions of strip-dancing and skydiving, making you feel

completely exposed yet energized by the sense that you could be catastrophically injured. Ever since I saw that first printout from my group psychology class, I've known how valuable honest feedback can be, how much precious time it can save in my struggle to awaken. I still have to force myself to go looking for it, but when I do I almost always benefit. Try this: For a week, ask for blind-spot feedback from one person a day, never asking the same person twice. Just say it: "Is there anything about me that I don't seem to see but is obvious to you?" You'll probably want to start with your nearest and dearest, but don't stop there. Surprisingly, a group of relative strangers is often the best mirror you can find. I've worked with many groups of people who, just minutes after meeting, could offer one another powerful insights. Like the emperor in his new clothes, we often believe that our illusions are confirmed by the silence of people who are simply too polite to mention the obvious. Breaking the courtesy barrier by asking for the truth can change your life faster than anything else I've ever experienced.

Handling Feedback
Any feedback is scary. The kind that addresses topics so uncomfortable you've stuffed them into a blind spot can be almost intolerable. That's why, before you even ask for an honest appraisal, you have to have a strategy in place for processing it. 1. Just say thanks. When others discuss your blind spots, you may have a violent emotional reaction. Remember: All of the upheaval is a product of your own mind. You do not have to dissuade or contradict the other person in order to feel calm. Instead of launching into an argument, just say thanks. Then imagine yourself tucking away the other person's comments in a box. You can take them out later, examine them, decide whether or not they're useful. 2. Dismiss useless feedback. There's real feedback, and then there's the slop that's merely a reflection of the speaker's dysfunction. Fortunately, you can tell these things apart because they feel very different. Useless feedback is nonspecific and vague, and has no action implication. It demotivates, locking us in confusion and shame. Useful feedback is specific and focused. It can sting like the dickens, but it leads to a clear course of action; when you hear it you feel a tiny lightbulb going on upstairs. "No one could ever love you" is useless feedback. "You project a lot of hostility, and it scares people" gives you information that you need to make healthy changes. It's safe to assume that useless feedback is coming from people who are themselves shame-bound and blind. The best thing to do with it is dismiss it

and focus on the information your gut tells you is valuable. 3. Absorb the truth. Neurologist Oliver Sacks wrote about a man who, virtually blind from early childhood, had an operation that restored his sight when he was middle-aged. Though the man's eyes now took in visual information, his brain wasn't used to making sense of it. He couldn't differentiate between a man and a gorilla until he touched a nearby statue of a gorilla; then the difference became immediately clear. This confused state is similar to what you'll feel when you've accepted feedback about what lies in your blind spots. You're not used to this new set of eyes, this novel image of self. I remember feeling incredibly clumsy just after the revelation that I can be very dominant. I felt a little as if I were talking while listening to headphones: I couldn't correctly gauge how I was coming across to others. Slowly, asking repeatedly for feedback, I began to see my own behavior more clearly. My false image of self gave way to a more accurate model, and I learned to avoid accidentally stomping on people with my conversational style. Deliberately, methodically eliminating your blind spots simply intensifies the natural process we all endure as life teaches us its rough-and-tumble lessons. If you undertake this accelerated journey, you will learn much more in much less time (albeit with a few more scrapes and bruises) and achieve a deeper level of self-knowledge than you otherwise would have. Just observing the truth about yourself without judgment or spin will begin to change you. It's well-nigh impossible to see yourself more and more clearly while continuing to act without integrity, or in contradiction to your life's real purpose. Eventually you may come to see what Marianne Williamson meant when she said, "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us." To see your truest nature is to recognize that you have a capacity for goodness far greater than you ever dreamed, with all the awesome responsibility that entails. It's a difficult proposition, but in the end the view makes it all worthwhile.

Your Guide to Confessing Your Deep Dark Secrets

By Martha Beck OWN TV | June 15, 2002

Who to turn to, when to telland when to zip it up. Martha Beck on letting some of it hang out.
The problem with keeping secrets is that they're alive. We like to think that our secrets can lie quietly in our minds, as inert as dirt, but we're wrong. Secrets aren't just our creations...they're our creatures, beings with wills of their own. They grow. They reproduce, as we form new secrets to support the old ones. They even migrate, colonizing the people closest to us (ask anyone from a secretive family). But the scariest thing about secrets is what they want: They want out. The truth constantly tries to escape into the open, and keeping any of it buried invites isolation, obsession, addiction, even complete psychological destruction. On the other hand, random or ill-advised confessions can be disastrous. The only way to find harmony and balance is to learn when, where, why and to whom you should confess your secrets. Theodor Reik uses a term called "the compulsion to confess." This urge is part of every normal person (and some abnormal people as wellever notice how many criminals get caught because they blab about their

crimes?). The confession compulsion makes sense when you consider that our secrets are simply parts of our life stories, our selves, that have been forced into hiding. We all have a deep psychological need to be accepted as we really are, but that can never happen as long as there are parts of us that no one sees or knows. We conceal aspects of ourselves that we think invite rejection, but ironically, the very act of secrecy makes us inaccessible to love. We think we're hiding our secrets, but really, our secrets are hiding us. Perhaps that's why when we lie or hide the truth, our very physiology rebels: Stress indicators like blood pressure, perspiration, blinking rates and breathing all increase, while immune function declines. Our subconscious mind joins the battle against secrecy; we find ourselves telling the truth in dreams, Freudian slips and the occasional drunken blurt. The more secretive we are, the more separate we feel from our own bodies, our own lives. When I did research on addiction, I found that most of the addicts I interviewed were trying to ease the pain of psychological isolation caused by dark secrets, and that telling their secrets was the single most powerful step that allowed them to connect with others, experience loving acceptance, and ultimately heal. Next: What should you confess? There are many things that don't need revealing; things that are simply private, rather than secret. You only need to confess secrets that diminish your ability to live an authentic life. You may have inherited these dark secrets from a dysfunctional family, broken a moral code, or fallen victim to somethingrape, financial fraud, AIDSthat triggered shame and concealment. If any of the following statements describe you, confession is a must

1.

I am keeping a secret to protect someonepossibly myselffrom the natural consequences of ongoing destructive behavior (alcoholism, violence or sexual abuse, for example). 2. My secret makes me feel constantly ashamed. 3. I conceal the truth because telling it might make someone angry. 4. I would not want to associate with anyone who has the same secret I do. 5. I'm sure I'll be rejected by anyone who learns this secret. 6. My secret is so awful, I can't stand to think about it, let alone talk about it. 7. This secret makes me pull away from people I want to trust and love. 8. I'd rather end a relationship than tell another person my secret. 9. I'm doing something that violates my own moral code. Conveniently enough, the first person to whom you absolutely must confess is you. Why not try it right now? Admit to yourself the secret things you have done or that have been done to you. Reject euphemisms and use the real words: adultery, stealing, bulimia, child abuse, whatever. Traditional cultures teach that calling something by its real name is the only way to gain power over it. Naming your dark secret in your own mind is the first step in reclaiming the power it has leeched from your life. The next step is one of the hardest but most liberating things you'll ever

do. You must tell your whole truth to at least one other human being. You might want to start by confiding in a therapist, a religious advisor or a 12step group. You're more likely to get a calm reaction from these people than from folks who are directly influenced by your actions. Finding just one person who doesn't run away screaming when you tell your secret will move you a long way toward feeling whole, brave and strong. That's good, because the next step is even scarier. You must confess your dark secrets to anyone with whom you wish to have an intimate emotional bond. I know dozens of people whose romantic relationships have failed because the parties involved kept secrets from each other. "My feelings for my wife have faded over time," said a friend who had just ended an affair. "I've confessed to our priest, and I feel good about myself, but that sense of being really connected to my wife hasn't come back." News flash: You can never feel really connected to anyone from whom you are keeping important information. Secrets kill intimacy. Next, an extra-credit question: Is it still possible for you to be blackmailed? In other words, after you've admitted the truth to yourself and your loved ones, is there any person or group you're still terrified might learn your secret? If so, you're not finished confessing. To be really free, you must be comfortable with the idea of any person or group knowing the whole truth about your life. That doesn't mean you have to confess everything to everyone, but you must be able to handle the thought of their knowing your secret. Otherwise you'll be haunted by doubt, controlled by your attempts to control what others know. Next: When is the right time to confess? Pay attention if you ever find yourself thinking, "I could tell my secret right now...I really could...maybe I will..." You may feel ambivalent, your heart fluttering like a nervous moth as the yearning to create a truthful connection battles your fear of exposure. At such times, trust yearning

over fear. Your intuition, which is far wiser than any set of rules I could devise, is telling you to take the risk. If you resist it, you'll experience the psychological equivalent of long-term nausea, becoming more and more miserable until the pain of hiding the truth finally becomes worse than the pain of barfing it up. You're approaching this point when: 1. You sense a deep chasm between you and people you love. 2. Your feelings for significant others have flattened as you disengaged to avoid telling the truth. 3. You feel your secret as a literal weight, dragging you downward. 4. You're filled with anger and/or hopelessness when you think about your secret. 5. The secret haunts you, intruding on your thoughts and poisoning pleasure. 6. You argue about almost anything, creating conflicts that are never resolved (because you aren't discussing the real issue). 7. You compulsively talk around the subject that's bothering you, without confessing (an alcoholic may talk endlessly about drinking, all the time denying that he or she has a drinking problem). 8. You find yourself confessing to random people (bartenders, new acquaintances, colleagues) while lying to your loved ones. If you're experiencing these symptoms, you may find yourself confessing inappropriate things to inappropriate people at inappropriate times. We've all met members of the Too Much Information Club, who chat tipsily at cocktail parties about their marital woes, their potty-training memories or their habit of excessive masturbation. Fighting to keep secrets that wish to be told often leads to such badly timed revelations, which are unfulfilling at best, hideously embarrassing at worst. Telling when your heart tells you to is the way to avoid this dysfunctional pattern. Confession is risky. Some people really may reject you if you claim your

whole identity and tell your whole story. But explicitly losing these people is no more horrible than keeping themsort ofat the cost of your integrity. Besides, there are probably far fewer of them than you think. Contrary to popular belief, love is not blind. It has very sharp eyesight indeed, and most of the people who love you aren't fooled by whatever masks you wear. They sense when you hide things from them, and become frustrated by their inability to connect. By giving the people you care about the chance to love you as you are, everyone will benefit. Perhaps our secrets struggle to be revealed because they know that confession can perform a miracle: It can make dark secrets bright. It can turn our worst mistakes or tragedies into beacons of hope for others. Think about it: When you're most trapped by secrecy, you don't want the advice of people who have never been touched by evil, despair or confusion. You want someone who has been where you are and made it back alive. That's why a confession you make merely to illuminate the murky corners of your little life may end up lighting the path to freedom for a thousand other hearts.

What's Really Going On in Your Life?

By Martha Beck Oprah.com | From the October 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

You're certain you know what your problem is. Fabulous, says Martha Beckunless it's distracting you from an even more alarming issue. O's life coach goes deep.
Tricia was depressed. That was her only problem. Although her life had all the right ingredientssuccessful husband, decent job, close-knit familyTricia felt so low that she sometimes threatened suicide. When her therapist invited her husband, parents, and sister for a family session, a discussion of Tricia's "spells" devolved into a verbal brawl. Her parents, who'd been drinking, bickered about their mutual infidelity. Her sister wept like a fire hydrant. Tricia's husband shouted that they were ruining his life. In short, Tricia's depression was not her only problem. Instead, it was what I call her designated issue. Tricia herself would be recognized by systems therapists as a "designated patient," the one person in a family or group who's singled out as sick or abnormal, allowing everyone else to feel healthy by comparison. A designated patient "carries" the group's dysfunction. A designated issue performs the same service for an individual, dominating our psyches so that other troubles can go unnoticed. You probably have a designated issue. Almost all my clients do. (And I myself have had several.) Annabeth obsesses endlessly about her weight (once upon a time, I did, too). Libbie pines for a soul mate (been there, done that). Loving mother Kristen worries constantly about her children's safety (I'm three for three). As a designated-issue connoisseur, I know what these ladies think: If they could only fix this problem, life would be a bowl of pitted Maraschino cherries. But their problems stubbornly resist fixing. Why? Because designated

issues aren't just problems; they're also solutions. Like toxic-waste receptacles, they serve the useful function of containing some nasty, scary material. Your so-called worst problem may be sparing you even greater distress. You can thank it for that. And then you can get rid of itthough not quite in the way you might expect. Life, as psychologist William James famously said, is "one great blooming, buzzing confusion." We stumble through it, suffering many woes and imagining infinite others, with all the confident self-assurance of squirrels trying to teach dog obedience classes. To calm ourselves, we may pickle our fears in alcohol, scorch them with nicotine, haul them to yoga, therapy, and church. Focusing on one mildly disturbing, semi-controllable issue allows the mind to stuff much greater terrors in relatively tidy packages. Yes, Earth's climate is changing, bird flu seems imminent, wars and genocides rageand wouldn't you rather think about your cholesterol level? Me, too. This is the real reason Tricia developed the moody blues. Her depression let everyone in her family worry just enough to avoid facing 50-some years of truly spectacular dysfunction. When Tricia's therapist threw a wrench into this system, his designated patient's designated issue coughed up secrets everyone had been hiding. Here are some more true stories: "I'm sick of thinking about my weight," moaned chubby Annabeth. "Okay," I replied, "let's talk about your marriage." "Sure. Just a second," said Annabeth. She yanked a king-size candy bar from her purse and attacked it like a starving lumberjacksomething she did whenever the topic of marriage arose. Like Annabeth's weight problems, Libbie's quest for the perfect relationship was a 24/7 occupation. I thought it might be useful to discuss her avocation of selling marijuana, but getting her off the topic of romance was like taking beefsteak from a pit bull. If she'd been any less stoned, I might've lost a finger. Kristen's crisis hit when she bounced a check to the private investigator she'd hired to make sure her grown children were living safely while at college. The kids were fine, but Kristen's finances were in shamblesa problem she'd pushed aside to focus on protecting her young. From the outside, it's obvious these women were using their "worst" problems as distractions from much worse ones. Yet each claimed, "If I could only fix this one thing, I'd be so happy!" I'll be the first to admit, designated issues are troubling. Tricia was depressed, Annabeth's weight threatened her health, Libbie's loneliness was undeniable, and Kristen's children (like all children) were genuinely vulnerable to life's dangers. But certain characteristics distinguish these issues from everyday problems. I've put together a quiz to help you tell

the difference, and the following are also useful guidelines: 1. Designated issues command inordinate mindshare. I recently discovered ants in my guest bedroommore of a scouting party than an infestation, but still. Ick. I swept them up, booked an eco-friendly exterminator, and stopped thinking about it. This is how we react to ordinary challenges: After taking reasonable action, we relax our attention. If insect pests were my designated issue, the ants would have absorbed much more mental focus. I'd have called dozens of exterminators, stayed up late researching pesticides, filled my consciousness with anti-ant antics. If you ruminate this way about a single subject, despite the fact that your exertions aren't helping, you've probably got a designated issue on your handsor, rather, on your mind. Consciously, you want more than anything to be rid of this dilemma. Subconsciously, you depend on it. 2. Designated issues dodge permanent solutions. When we solve a problem, things go according to plan. Designated issues, on the other hand, resist dozens, even hundreds of efforts that should rightfully demolish them. Annabeth's weight keeps popping back up, though she's lost it over and over. The issue isn't genetics; it's that Annabeth sabotages all her own weight loss strategies because her overeating helps her avoid noticing that she and her husband are miserable together. 3. Designated issues synchronize with seemingly unrelated events. When Tricia became depressed, her doctor prescribed a little something to cheer her up. But her mood fluctuated even on antidepressants. Tricia's therapist eventually noticed that Tricia's spells coincided with disagreements between her relatives. Each time the family brewed up a brouhaha, Tricia fell apart. This united the family as if she'd torched her house. Everyone forgot their differences and formed an emotional bucket line to "fix" her. Similarly, Libbie's loneliness waxed and waned not according to her relationship status but to her marijuana supply (more weed = less loneliness). Spendaholic Kristen grew panicky about her kids right around tax time. My own designated issues spike in response to writing deadlines, which is why, at this moment, I am incredibly worried about my gums. And you? If you have a persistent worry, notice correlations between it and unrelated activities. Does your grudge toward politicians become fury en route to your office? Do you schedule more plastic surgery whenever you think about decluttering your house? If so, you can stamp those preoccupations designated issues, and sincerely thank them for containing your other worries. This gratitude for your most maddening chronic problem will likely arise spontaneously, but only after some heavy psychological lifting. Here's the basic process: 1. Sit down in a peaceful space, either alone or with someone who's willing to

act as a friend and adviser. 2. Imagine as vividly as you can that your designated issue is gone. Vanished. Not even a memory. Doesn't that feel great? 3. Ask yourself, "Now that I've fixed that, what problems do I still have to face?" The answer will be sobering. Your unpaid rent, your cat's mange, your beloved aunt's dementiaall the unglamorous, frightening realities of your life will spill from the lead-lined box of your designated issue in a big, ungodly mess. 4. Pick one of these unpleasant problems, and take at least one step toward solving it. Negotiate with your landlord. Bring Snowball to the vet. Join a support group for people whose relatives have Alzheimer's. 5. After taking this one step, go right back to obsessing about your designated issue. This last step may surprise youisn't the goal to destroy the designated issue once and for all? Not necessarily. You need your obsession to hold your inner turmoil; otherwise, you wouldn't have created it. Repeat the process outlined above, and you'll find your designated issue getting smaller, lighter, less compulsive. It's been years since I was driven by food obsession, but I still find it deeply soothing to write down everything I've eaten during the day. I used to think this process would help me control my weight, and thus my life. I no longer believe that, but its calming effect lingers. Calorie counting may seem like a strange response to, say, speeding tickets, but it works for me. The process also helped Tricia: As she therapized about her nutty family, her depression eased, transmogrifying her designated issue from a torture chamber to a study. Annabeth faced her marital dissatisfaction, got divorced, and lost 50 pounds. Sadly, Libbie never dealt with her dealing; she still obsesses about Prince Charming. But Kristen's fear for her children abated as she learned money management. If you have a designated issue, addressing other problems will (eventually) make it dry up and blow away. In its place you'll find self-empowerment and gratitudeeven, weirdly, gratitude that your brain has the capacity to create another designated issue, should the blooming, buzzing confusion of your life ever require one.

Who's Sorry Now? Six steps to regret-proof your life

By Martha Beck Oprah.com | From the July 2008 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

So here's the story: After a lifetime of handcopying ancient texts, an elderly monk became abbot of his monastery. Realizing that for centuries his order had been making copies of copies, he decided to examine some of the monastery's original documents. Days later, the other monks found him in the cellar, weeping over a crumbling manuscript and moaning, "It says 'celebrate,' not 'celibate!'" Ah, regret. The forehead-slap of hindsight, the woeful fuel of country ballads, the self-recrimination I feel for eating a quart of pudding in a crafty but unsuccessful attempt to avoid writing this column. If you've ever made a bad decision or suffered an accident, regret has been your roommate, if not your conjoined twin. It's a difficult companion, prone to accusatory comments and dark moods, and it changes you, leaving you both tougher and more tender. You get to decide, however, whether your toughness will look like unreachable bitterness or unstoppable resilience; your tenderness the raw vulnerability of a never-healing wound, or a kindness so deep it heals every wound it touches. Regret can be your worst enemy or your best friend. You get to decide which. There are at least two time zones where you can choose to make regret's powerful energy healing rather than destructive: the past and the future. Both

can be transformed by what you decide to do right now, in this moment. Let's start by changing the past. If you think that can't be done, think again. Literally. The past doesn't exist except as a memory, a mental story, and though past events aren't changeable, your stories about them are. You can act now to transform the way you tell the story of your past, ultimately making it a stalwart protector of your future. Try these steps, more or less in order.

1. Get beyond denial. As long as you're thinking, "That shouldn't have happened or I shouldn't have done that," you're locked in a struggle against reality. Many people pour years of energy into useless "shouldn't haves." The angry ones endlessly repeat that their ex-spouses shouldn't have left them, their parents shouldn't have overfed them, or their bosses shouldn't have made them wear uncomfortable chipmunk costumes in 90-degree heat. Even drearier are the sad ones, who forever drone some version of "If only." If only they'd married Sebastian, or gotten that promotion, or heeded the label's advice not to operate heavy machinery, they would be happy campers instead of les misrables. I call this unproductive regret. People use it to avoid scary or difficult action; instead of telling the story of the past in a useful way, they use it as their excuse for staying wretched. If you're prone to unproductive regret, please hear this: Everyone agrees with you. That thing you regret? It really, really, really shouldn't have happened. But. It. Did. If you enjoy being miserable, by all means, continue to rail against this fact. If you'd rather be happy, prune the "shouldn't haves" from your mental story, and move on to... 2. Separate regret's basic ingredients. Of the four basic emotionssad, mad, glad, and scaredregret is a mixture of the first two. Your particular situation may involve enormous sadness and a little anger ("My father died before I ever met him. Damn cruel fate!") or enormous anger with a side of sadness ("Why, why, why did I get a haircut from a stylist who was actively smoking a bong?"). Whatever the proportions, some regretters feel sadness but resist feeling anger; others acknowledge outrage but not sorrow. Denying either component will get you stuck in bitter, unproductive regret. Considering anger and sadness separately makes both more useful. Right now, think of something you regret. With that something in mind, finish this sentence: "I'm sad that __________." Repeat until you run out of sad things related to that particular regret. For example, if your regret is contracting Lyme disease, you might say, "I'm sad that I feel awful." "I'm sad I can no longer ride my pogo stick." "I'm sad that the woods don't feel safe to me anymore." When you've fully itemized your sadness, make another list, beginning each sentence with the phrase, "I'm angry at ________." For example, "I'm angry at my body for being sick." "I'm angry at God for creating ticks." "I'm angry at the entire town of Lyme, Connecticut, for which this $#@* disease was named." Write down all the causes for your rage, even if they're irrational.

Once you have a clear list of your sorrows and outrages, you can move on to step 3, where you'll work both angles to transform unproductive regret into the productive kind. This is extraordinarily useful but also profoundly uncomfortable because the only way out of painful emotion is through.

3. Grieve what is irrevocably lost. Sorrow is a natural reaction to losing anything significant: a dream, a possession, an opportunity. Productive grief passes through you in waves, which feel horrific, but which steadily erode your sadness. The crushing mountain of sorrow eventually becomes a boulder on your back, then a rock in your pocket, then a pebble in your shoe, then nothing at allnot because circumstances change but because you become strong enough to handle reality with ease. You're finished grieving when you see someone gaining what you regret losing and feel only joy for themmaybe even secret gratitude that circumstances forced you to enlarge your own capacity for joy (this is how I feel about people who don't have a kid with Down syndrome). If your sadness stops evaporating, if a certain amount of it just isn't budging, simply grieving may not be enough. Regret is telling you to seek out a part of whatever you've lost. 4. Reclaim the essence of your dreams. You can't change the fact that you binged your way up to 300 pounds, or lost a winning lottery ticket, or spent decades in celibacy rather than celebration. But you can reclaim the essential experiences you missed: loving your own healthy body, enjoying abundance, feeling glorious passion. In this moment, resolve that you'll find ways to reclaim the essence of anything you can't stop grieving. Jenny's big regret was that one disastrous gymnastics meet had tanked her chances to make the Olympic team. When I asked her what she would've gotten from the Olympics, she said, "Pride, excitement, world-class competition, attention." Once she'd articulated these essentials, Jenny found herself gravitating toward a job in television, which provided all of them. Now, she says, her life is so exciting that she virtually never thinks about the Olympics. Instead of sidelining her, regret became just one more springboard. I've been coaching long enough to brazenly promise that if you decide to reclaim the essence of anything you regret losing, you'll find itoften sooner than you think, in ways you would never have expected.

5. Analyze your anger. The anger component of regret is every bit as important and useful as your sadness. Anger is a bear, but if you pay attention, you'll hear it roaring useful instructions about how you should steer your future. Don't fear it, run from it, tranquilize it, try to kill it. Just leave the kids with a sitter, team up with a sympathetic friend, spouse, therapist, or journal, and let your angry animal self

bellow its messages. There will be a lot of meaningless sound and fury, but there will also be information about exactly what needs to change in your present and future so that you'll stop suffering from old regrets and create new ones. Basically, your anger will roar out this next instruction... 6. Learn to lean loveward. When I saw A Chorus Line, I wondered if it's literally true that "I can't regret what I did for love." So I did a little thought experiment. I recalled all my significant regrets, and sure enough, I found that none of them followed a choice based purely on love. All were the consequence of fear-based decisions. In the cases where my motivations were a mix of love and fear, it was always the fear-based component that left me fretful and regretful. For example, I'll be up most of tonight, having spent the daylight hours eating pudding in reaction to writer's block, which is a species of fear. I predict that tomorrow I'll regret thisI've spent many, many sleepless nights fearing this or that, and no good ever came of it. But I've also lost a lot of sleep for love. I've stayed up communing with friends, rocking sick babies, avoiding celibacy. And I really can't regret any choice that brought me one moment of love. Do your own thought experiment, and I suspect you'll come to similar conclusions. (Let's face it, a song that catchy just can't be all wrong.)

So the ultimate lesson of regret, the one that will help guide you into a rich and satisfying future, is this: Every time life brings you to a crossroads, from the tiniest to the most immense, go toward love, not away from fear. Think of every choice in terms of "What would thrill and delight me?" rather than "What will keep my fearor the events, people, and things I fearat bay?" Sometimes the choice will be utterly clear. Love steers you forward, and no fear arises. But on many occasions, things will seem trickier. The path toward what you love may be fraught with uneasiness, anxiety, outright terror. The pound dog will tug at your heart, but worry about upkeep will push away the first sparks of love and leave you without a four-footed friend. You'll long for success but dread the risks necessary to earn it. Your impulse to champion the oppressed might compete with panic for your own sorry hide. That's when you can call on regretnot as a burden that you still have to bear but as a motivator that can forcefully remind you not to make choices that will feel awful in retrospect. If you've grieved your losses, reclaimed your dreams, and articulated your anger, regret will have made you the right kind of toughand-tender: dauntless of spirit, soft of heart, convinced by experience that nothing based on fearbut everything based on loveis worth doing. Living this way doesn't guarantee an easy life; in fact, it will probably take you on a wondrously wild ride. But I promise, you won't regret it.

8 Steps to Conquer the Beast Within

By Martha Beck Oprah.com | From the February 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

It's been tailing you for yearsdepression, a hot temper, an irresistible urge for cupcakesappearing here and there, with no rhyme or reason. Or so it seems. Martha Beck calls this a bte noire, and she's developed an easy way you can track it, tame it, and vanquish it forever.
Right now I have two clich pains: one in my neck and one in my butt. Both are the result of my learning to rideand I use that term looselya horse. The butt pain is no big deal; just chafed skin. I'm told it can be avoided by wearing a padded undergarment, brand-named Comfy Rump, which I'm sure they carry at Victoria's Extremely Dark Secret. My neck pain, on the other hand, could mean trouble. It started when my horse jumped a little, causing my head to lash around on my vertebral column like a bowling ball on a Slinky. Though this was a new experience, the afterpain is all too familiar. You see, I have fibromyalgia, a chronic pain syndrome no one really understands. My neck may heal normally, or "fibro" may be triggered by the bruised tissue, making the injury debilitating.

Fibromyalgia is my bte noire, a French term for "black beast" that has come to mean something to be avoided because it frightens us or can cause us harm. Many of us have btes noires: dark moods (Winston Churchill called depression his "black dog"), addiction, self-loathing, a tendency to lurk in the shrubbery near former lovers' homes holding a machete in one hand and The Complete Works of Keats in the other. Whatever yourbte noire might be, you may think it will ruin your life. I beg to differ. Like other wild animals, your bte can be studied, understoodeven tamed. If you want to be the handler of your beast, instead of its prey, grab a pencil and prepare to learn a bte noire tracking exercise that I call the Lifeline. Download the Lifeline graph here Step 1: Learn to call your bte noire by its real name. Many magical traditions hold that you control a monster by speaking its name. My whole world changed the day a doctor flipped through his medical school textbook and found the label for my illness, which had been misdiagnosed for years. Knowing my condition's name allowed me to track, understand, and manage it. The power of naming is why so many lives have changed with the first utterance of words like "I'm an alcoholic" or "I'm over my head in debt" or, simply, "I'm unhappy." One of my clients, a diabetic, told me, "If I talk about diabetes, I'll attract it. If I never say it, it isn't real and it can't hurt me." Actually, avoiding a scary topic means your subconscious mind is riveted on it. To let go of something, you first have to admit you're holding it. True freedom starts with absolute honesty. So be brave: Say the words. "I'm lonely." "I have an eating disorder." "My marriage isn't working." The moment you call the problem by its real name, you're already learning how to make it less harmful. Step 2: Start filling in your lifeline by rating your bte noire at this moment. On the Lifeline graph you downloaded, the numbers across the bottom reflect your age. The numbers on the left axis indicate the intensity of your problem. Begin filling in the Lifeline by answering this question: On a scale of 0 to 10, with 0 indicating "no problem at all" and 10 "the worst I've ever experienced," how bad is your problem today? Put an X in the column above your current age, at whatever level feels appropriate (if your suffering is at 10, mark the topmost box; if it rates a 9, the second-to-the-top, and so on). Step 3: Remember (and record) the worst of times. Now recall when your bte noire was its very worstthe time you were fattest, most nicotine-addicted, most socially incompetent, or whatever. If you don't remember your age back then, think of other things that happened around the same time: "Oh, yes, that was the year I [got pregnant/bought a Yugo/tried to learn pole-vaulting]." These events will help you place your worst bte noire periods in the correct year on your Lifeline. Mark the "level 10" box above each of the years when your problem hit its maximum. For example, my pain rated a 10 when I first developed symptoms, at age 18. It came on strong again

during each of my pregnancies, and stayed at maximum force when all three of my kids were tiny. That means that on my Lifeline, fibromyalgia pain scored a 10 at ages 18, 23, 25, and 27 through 30. Mark your Lifeline to represent your personal Dark Ages. Step 4: Remember (and record) the best of times. Now it's time to look on the bright side. Recall occasions when your problem eased up or temporarily disappeared. Remember what was going on in your life, and above each year of low beast activity, mark the box that shows the level of intensity back then. For example, my pain levels dropped from a 10 to a 4 when I was 31, after I quit my academic job and started writing books. They rose a little the next year, but at 33, when I began life-coaching former students, my pain dropped to near 0. When was your beast at its least? Give it a score for each year that applies. Step 5: Fill in the gaps. Once you've marked the best and worst of times, fill in the gaps, scoring your bte noire levels at every age. You won't have total recall. The numbers will be too fuzzy for physics. But social scientists know that charts like the Lifeline can be extremely usefuland as you fill in the boxes, you'll automatically start thinking like a social scientist. Which brings us to the most powerful Lifeline step. Step 6: Take note of correlations and casual links. You describe correlations and causalities every time you observe, "I eat more when I'm tired" or "I feel wonderful near the ocean." Many of the causal links in your life are obvious to you, but others are invisible. The Lifeline exercise helps you see these. To begin noticing connections between your bte noire and other life experiences, answer the questions below on another sheet of paper. A. When your bte noire was at its worst... 1. Where were you living? 2. Where were you working? (Note: Raising kids at home is work.) 3. What did you do on a typical day? 4. With whom did you spend time? 5. What did you believe? B. Now answer the five questions above in regard to the times your bte noire was least bothersome. C. What did your worst times have in common? D. What did your best times have in common?

E. Other than the bte noire itself, were there any factors that were present at the worst times but not at the best times? This exercise has sparked thousands of lightbulb moments for me and my clients. I spent years trying to figure out what triggered my fibromyalgia pain, always focusing on things like diet or medication. But creating a Lifeline revealed something surprising: Each and every time my pain flared, I was doing something that I later realized was steering me away from my life's purpose. The pain attacked when I tried to write academic journal articles, receded when I wrote books for a popular audience; worsened when I tried to be my idea of a "perfect mother," lessened when I was simply myself around my children; spiked when I taught college, vanished when I started life-coaching. If you mull over your Lifeline, you, too, will find unexpected correlations and causalities. My client Janice realized that her beastalcoholismwas less severe when she spent lots of time knitting. (Yes! Knitting!) Benjamin realized that he made disastrous business decisions around intellectual snobs. Colleen's self-esteem dropped like an anvil whenever she stopped doing yoga. These clients couldn't believe such factors were really aggravating their btes noires until we tested them. Which brings us to... Step 7: Test your discoveries. If you think you've spotted a causal link in your Lifeline, experiment. Create the life conditions that correlate with a calm bte noire and see if that's what happens. This may seem strange, but the proof of the pudding is in the eating: When Janice hauled out her yarn and started clicking needles, her whiskeythirst actually did diminish. Benjamin spent less time with intellectuals and more with his blue-collar employees, and sure enough, his business sense surged. Colleen found that down dog really did make her buck up. Step 8: Tame the beast. Though I still have fibromyalgia, I rarely have symptoms. That's because, using a Lifeline, I realized that my body uses "fibro" to send messages from my soul to my brain. "Your destiny's not here!" the pain tells me. "Look over there!" It used to take incapacitating agony to make me pay attention. But as I kept studying the correlations in my life, I learned to change course when I felt the first twinge. As a result, my pain has diminished, not advanced, as time passes. I've seen this exercise work with all kinds of black beasts. I now believe that btes noires usually attack because we're thwarting our own destinies. Calming the beast turns us toward our best lives. So, when Janice replaced whiskey with yarn handicrafts, she realized that what she really wanted was to use her innate creativity. The more she created beautiful things, the less compelled she was to drink. Benjamin became so comfortable working with blue-collar employees that he outperformed the MBAs at his company. Colleen made time for yoga every day, and her self-esteem blossomed, improving every relationship in her life. If you begin using Lifeline exercises to track your various btes noires, you will

discover what aggravates them and how to quiet them. I've learned from hundreds of clients that your very worst issues can be tamed into helpful friends. One day your bte noire will be just a frisky dog or a flighty horse, an enjoyable and loyal companion, only occasionally causing a slight pain in the neck.

When Your Biggest Problem Is...You

By Martha Beck Oprah.com | From the July 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Are you driving yourself crazy with dumb mistakes, "what was I thinking?" comments, and other lunkheaded moves? Martha Beck offers a no-fail strategy to get you back on the right track.
It's not like I'm shooting myself in the foot," said Whitney. "It's more like I'm using my entire body for target practice. With guns in both hands." Whitney's problems began when economic chaos hit the advertising company where she was an editor. As Whitney cut redundant prose from ad copy, her company cut redundant workers all around her. Whitney herself had always been a perfectionist who loved her work, but after the downsizing, her performance nose-dived. She began to forget meetings, sleep past her alarm, accidentally forward highly personal e-mails to her boss. On the day she absentmindedly shredded a presentation she was about to deliver, Whitney came to see me. "Do I have early-onset Alzheimer's?" she asked desperately. "Maybe ADD? A brain tumor? It's got to be something medical."

Meanwhile, another client of mineI'll call her Olgawas going through something similar in her relationship with her husband. "Jack is my life," she told me. "I couldn't go on without him." Yet Olga made as many stupid mistakes at home as Whitney did at work. "I forget I've promised to pick him up after work," she told me. "When he says he needs space, I follow him around begging him to talk, and when he wants to be close, I shut down. What's wrong with me?" Maybe you've had an experience akin to these, a truck-with-no-brakes run of errors and foul-ups that wreak destruction in your life despite frantic efforts to regain control. In the midst of such madness, it can help immensely to know that there's a name for your pain. You may be using something psychologists call a counterphobic mechanism, a tendency to slide toward, not away from, something you fear. Those of us who use plain English might call it selfsabotageand it can ruin your life. As counterintuitive as it might seem, these subconscious reflexes can be helpful. In these officially Troubled Times, it behooves us all to be aware of them and use them consciously and skillfully.

Anticipation, Anticipation Is Making Me Late...

"One of my theories," says the evil Count in William Goldman's classic story The Princess Bride, "is that pain involves anticipation." He then leaves the captive hero, Westley, chained next to the Machine, a torture device the Count has promised to use on Westley later. An albino dungeon-keeper offers Westley a way out. "You deserve better than what's coming," he says in a moment of compassion. "Please let me kill you. You'll thank me, I swear." Only Westley's superhuman fortitude keeps him from accepting. The Count's theory about anticipation is right on the money. And self-sabotage is the mind's way of accepting the albino's offer. Like Whitney or Olga, we may screw up in precisely the places we want most to succeed, not realizing that we're subconsciously trying to force a resolution, to stop the anxious feeling that's hanging over our heads, to lose the job rather than continue to worry about a pink slip. To resolve the situation, we must first recognize that we're using counterphobic mechanisms. And that means punching through denial.

Denial Strategy #1: "Fear? Ha! What Fear?"

When I suggested to Whitney that she might be courting job loss precisely because it was her worst fear, she laughed. "Fear? Me? No, absolutely not," she said. "I mean, I'm sorry so many people are getting laid off, but my job is safe as houses." This struck me as an odd choice of idiom in an era when demented mortgage

practices have triggered worldwide economic catastrophe. I also noticed a crimson blush creeping up Whitney's neck. Paging Dr. Freud: Dr. Freud to the floor, please. "What if you keep shredding presentations and sending your boss e-mails about yeast infections?" I said. "What if these screwups keep getting worse?" The blush faded abruptly; now Whitney looked pale. "Honestly, I don't see how that's possible," she muttered. "Um, could you excuse me for a second?" She pulled out her BlackBerry and peered at it anxiously. "You seem nervous," I commented, watching her thumbs go to work. "Well, of course I'm nervous!" Whitney snapped. "The whole damn country's falling apartwho isn't nervous?" "So," I said, "suppose your company folds. What would you do?" "That won't happen." "I'm not saying it will; I'm just asking you to imagine it." "I don't want to!" "Seriously, what will you do if you lose your job?" The dam burst. "I've worked my whole adult life for this job!" Whitney cried. "And it's not like I can get another one these days. Have you seen the news? Every day it's worsemore unemployment, more foreclosures. People just like me are living in tents! My stocks are practically worthless." Whitney began trembling. "I can't lose my job," she whispered. "It'd be the end of the world." So that cat was out of the bag. Like so many people right now, Whitney was stuck contemplating the Machine of unemployment. But she'd shoved this intense fear out of her conscious awareness, so her subconscious mind had built a counterphobic mechanism to kill the job and end the agony. "You'll thank me," her inner albino was saying. "I swear."

Denial Strategy #2: "But That's the Last Thing I'd Want."
For Olga, the problem wasn't that she was unaware of her biggest fear. Quite the contrary. She couldn't answer a telemarketer's call without blurting out her dread of losing Jack. She discussed it endlessly with Jack himself.

"I won't let him talk about anything negativenegative feelings, bad experiences in the past, even movies he doesn't like," she said. "I love him so much; I can't let negative energy into our relationship." Of course, this bizarre practice ensured that Olga's marriage was focused entirely on negative energy (our lives tend to revolve around the things we're trying not to do). It also meant Jack had no way of processing the countless indignities Olga kept inflicting on him. "You do understand you're making Jack's life completely impossible?" I said, with my patented anti-tact. "I know!" Olga said, sobbing. "It's another thing I've done to drive him away, but I can't live without him!" "So what'll you do if he leaves?" More sobs. "I don't know; I've never dared think about it." "If you don't think about it, you're going to have to live through it," I said. "So start thinking." "Well," she sniffed, "I'd have to learn to live for myself, I guess. I'd have to be independent, to be..." Her voice trailed off, and her mascara-smeared eyes opened wide. "I'd be free," she said. Whoa, Nelly! The fear she'd been hiding was an even bigger surprise to Olga than Whitney's was to her. Olga's real fear wasn't that Jack wanted to leave her. It was that she wanted to leave Jack. You may find my treatment of Whitney and Olga rather brutal, but I am not the evil Count. When you're chained to a Machine, though, waiting for God knows what, you have only two options. One is to let the albino dungeon-keeper of your subconscious kill the very thing you fear losing. The other is what brave Westley chose: Face and embrace your fear. If you're repeatedly making dreadful mistakes and finding yourself in embarrassing snafus in an important area of life, push yourself to contemplate your worst-case scenario. I suggest doing this in the company of friends, family members, therapists, coaches, or all of the above. While you're gaping and reeling like a stunned mullet, your more objective advisers can help you do some contingency planning. That is what I did with Whitney. "I know losing your job sounds like the end of the world," I told her. "But it wouldn't be. I know people who've started Internet-based companies for freelance work. They're making more money now than before they were laid off."

"Really?" Whitney blinked. Her grip on the BlackBerry loosened. "And you'd finally have time to write your own bookhaven't you always wanted that?" "Yes, but how would I" "You'd figure it out," I said, hoping like hell I was right. "You know, I would," said Whitney. She didn't sound totally convinced, not by any means. But she did sound a tiny bit hopeful. Her fear of the Machine was already waningand that, I knew, would end her unconsciously driven train wrecks at the office. The more we examined ways Whitney could survive being unemployed, the less likely she was to cause that very fate. Once Olga copped to her real fears, facing and embracing her worst-case scenario was even more liberating. She had felt stifled in her relationship, she realized. Her definition of "perfect wife" had meant someone who relinquished all personal interests except her husband. Although Olga loved Jack, that image of wifehood (hers, not his) was so noxious that subconsciously she knew she couldn't sustain it. Some part of her worried that it would eventually implode. So she'd begun doing things to end the marriageand thus her terrible anticipation of its end. As we discussed what Olga might do if she were single, she began redefining herself as an individual, not an appendage. With Jack's help, she bagged her old stereotype of married life and realized she was free to plot her own course. Embracing her worst-case scenario took the kill me now sign off her relationship, and her marriage-torpedoing behaviors stopped. Since you, like Whitney and Olga, are probably of sound mind, any chronic blundering on your part is likely a counterphobic mechanism: a brave, unconscious, totally knob-brained attempt to end the torture of anticipating further torture. These days, more than ever, facing and embracing your worstcase scenarios, seeing them as problems to be solved rather than torments to suffer helplessly, can save you no end of self-sabotage. Ironically, of course, this, too, is a counterphobic mechanism. The difference is that it's conscious, reasoned, and wise, rather than unconscious, irrational, and nuts. It may not be fun to contemplate everything that could go wrong in your life, especially in a time of massive economic upheaval and uncertainty. But by going straight into the fear, you can save yourself a crazy go-round with unconscious self-sabotage. You deserve better than that. You'll thank me. I swear.

How to Find Your Passion

By Martha Beck OWN TV | September 15, 2003

"I'm too worn out." "It's not allowed." "I'm too scared." Hey, people, the stuck stops here! Martha Beck shows you how to un-dam your go-with-the-flow.
"I feel so stuck. I need to find a passion, but I just can't." About half of my clients say this as soon as we meet. They talk as if their passion were a lost item they could find by digging around in their psyches, like beachcombers with bad shorts and metal detectors searching for coins in the sand. Just for a moment, stop digging. Look at the ocean. Can you sense its inconceivable power, its vast, wild, dangerous fertility? Good. Now we've got us a metaphor.

Passionincluding the manifestations of passion we feel within ourselves and therefore call "ours"is not something we can grasp or own but a force of nature, connected to and influenced by things that extend far beyond any puny human self. Finding it isn't like bagging an expensive trinket; it's like leaving comfortable, familiar terrain behind us and throwing ourselves into the sea. Many of us avoid taking the plunge. We turn away from the ocean, ignoring the roar of breakers, refusing to notice how our hair prickles when we smell the salt water. Then we spend years looking for our "lost" passion in the sand of a grotesquely overpopulated place I call the "Isle of Yeah-but." The Island of Yeah-but The "yeah" pushes us toward our passion; the "but" stops us dead in our tracks. Yeah-but prefaces infinite justifications for avoiding the things our hearts find compelling. Try this: The next time you hear yourself say "Yeah, but...," ask yourself if you're describing a genuine obstacle that cannot be circumnavigated. If not, do exactly what your Yeah-but says you shouldn't. Write that novel. Adopt a puppy from the pound. Resist oppression. Keep the "yeah" and kick the "but." If this feels overwhelming, the way still unclear, you may need to address the factors that trigger Yeah-buts in the first place. In the areas where you're stuck, you're probably feeling one of the Three Fs: fatigued, forbidden or fearful.

"I'm too worn out." "It's not allowed." "I'm too scared." Hey, people, the stuck stops here! Martha Beck shows you how to un-dam your go-with-the-flow.

1. Fatigue If your inner life is so blah that you don't enjoy anything, or if you know what you love but find yourself stuck in Yeah-but excuses, ask yourself, "How old do I feel?" If the answer is "Really, really old," you're probably too tired to embark on the sea of passion. Fatigue can cause an absence of physical desire (an exhausted body isn't programmed to win races or make babies), a loss of mental acuity, and/or a flat emotional profile. At times, this may reach the level of depression. One day a client oozed into my office, slumped into a chair, and said she was depressedonly she said it so slowly that I thought she said "deep rest." In a way, this was accurate. Depression can be part of a general shutdown, meant to turn us toward healing. A tired body, a tired mind, a tired heart can'tand shouldn'tbe passionate about anything but rest. So if you're exhausted, care for yourself. Curl up with the cat and watch TV, sleep, read, sleep some more. Eventually, you'll wake up feeling like it's time to go for a swim. One important caveat: If you aren't feeling refreshed after a couple of weeks' rest, it's time to see a doctor. You may have a condition, such as a chemical imbalance, that can be alleviated only through professional care. 2. Forbidden Often stuck people have learned through experience, example, or explicit instruction that passion is bad. You may feel stuck if your fundamentalist parents railed against sin or if your suave intellectual friends mock anyone who seems enthusiastic. We'll do almost anything to avoid shame or. To see whether you have been disimpassioned by social judgment, complete the following sentences with whatever comes to mind. If I didn't care what anyone thought, I would.....

If I knew my parents would never find out, I'd..... If I could be sure I'd do it right, I would..... If you thought of things you've never actually done, things that make you giggle with embarrassment, you're probably forbidding yourself to follow your passion. You've learned to expect negative judgments, so (consciously or unconsciously) you avoid intense feeling and anything that causes it. The tragic thing is that many people never realize there are places where they can swim with confidence. It's true that some social environments are vicious, but others are warm, accepting, loving. Think of the things that you'd do if they weren't forbidden. If they don't violate your own moral code, start doing themwithout telling the people who would judge you. You'd think this would be obvious, but it isn't. I've watched incredulously as dozens of clients who are just getting unstuck seek support from the very people who got them stuck in the first place. They confide in their militantly atheistic friends about their call to the ministry, or tell their pessimistic, puritanical mother that they want to dance, dance, dance! Don't make this mistake. You know what sharks look like, and the places they lurk. Avoid them. Instead share your passion with folks who are likely to support you. In doing so, you'll add social approval to the inherent joy of following your passionsand it will feel fabulous.

"I'm too worn out." "It's not allowed." "I'm too scared." Hey, people, the stuck stops here! Martha Beck shows you how to un-dam your go-with-the-flow.
3. Fearful

One of my clientsI'll call her Paigewas a tall, gorgeous, intelligent athlete preparing to try out for a professional team. The pressure triggered a host of fears Paige had suffered since childhood. She began to replace training with eating binges, and she started gaining weight while losing strength and speed. We spent some time discussing Paige's history of physical and sexual abuse. This lessened her fear, but didn't eliminate it entirely. Why? Because Paige really cared about making that particular team, and there was a good chance she'd fail, and that was scary to her. Period. To get unstuck, we have to take this kind of risk, fear or no fear. Waiting to feel brave so that you can act brave? Sorry. The only way to develop courage is to act brave until you feel brave. In Paige's case, this meant doing two things every day: nurturing the scared little girl inside her, and getting that scared little girl to the damn gym. We called it the soft-heart, hard-ass approach. If you're stuck, I'd advise you to adopt it. Care for your heart by soothing it, but follow your dreams even when you're scared. Make friends with the fear that tells you you're doing something real and important, that you're breaking out of your comfort zone. Once she adopted this new approach, Paige realized that it was getting her in good enough shape to be a model as well as an athlete. Suddenly, making the team wasn't her only way forward. By feeling the fear and doing something anyway, you do risk failurebut you will still get unstuck, often in ways you never expected. In the ancient classical world when mariners launched a ship in rough weather, the captain would shout to his crew, To sail is necessary, to live is not. If you never leave the Isle of Yeah-but, if you dont attend to your fatigue, embrace forbidden hopes, and act in spite of fear, this statement will always be Greek to you. But once you have come unstuck and begun to live passionately, once you feel what it is to ride that wild, gorgeous ocean, the cry of the seafarer will come to make perfect sense.

A Simple Yet Powerful Way to Open the Heart and Connect with Others
Sharon Salzberg Oprah.com | From the December 2000 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Lovingkindness meditation gives you a new way to connect with everyoneeven the difficult people in your life.
Rachel, who is one of my meditation students, surprised me with her enthusiastic greeting. "I've fallen in love with my dry cleaner!" she said. I'd last seen her six months earlier at a retreat I'd taught on the power of lovingkindness, or metta, a Buddhist term for boundless friendship toward oneself and others. Noticing how puzzled I looked at her sudden confession, she laughed. "No, I haven't fallen in love with him romantically. My dry cleaner was the person I chose to focus on at the lovingkindness retreat." I had instructed the participants to focus on someone they didn't have strong feelings about, someone they normally might hardly notice, and to direct wishes for wellbeing toward that person. "Now every day when I meditate, I hold this man in my heart and consciously wish him well," Rachel said. "I find that I'm eager to go into the store to see him. I really care about him." Rachel hadn't deepened her relationship with this man because she owed him something, or felt obliged by a favor he'd done. She didn't know the particulars of his life, his challenges or his sorrows. Rachel came to care genuinely for the dry cleaner simply because she'd begun including him in the attentiveness of her heart. By doing so, she awakened to the humanity of someone who'd barely registered before. The practice of lovingkindness meditation brings to life our innate capacity for connecting to ourselves and others. The lovingkindness we cultivate breaks thorugh the habit of indifference or judgment that keeps us feeling separate from others. A capacity for friendship and kindness exists within each of us, without exception. No matter what pain we might have gone through in our lives, that capacity is never destroyed. It may beand often isobscured, but it's there. The key to uncovering this potential is paying attention in a positive way. So often we don't have the time or the patience to take an interest in people; instead we look around them or right through them. Being attentive to someone opens the door to discovering who she or he actually is. Like Rachel, we find that the people we relate to at work, at school, while doing errands no longer seem so much like strangers. Something happens to our world, and we don't feel so alone. Start practicing lovingkindness meditation The practice of lovingkindness meditation is simple and pragmatic. You can try it this way: Sit comfortably and close your eyes. You are going to recite silently certain phrases that express your heart's intention to connect more deeply with yourself and others. Some examples are "May I be happy" or "May you be peaceful" or "May you find contentment." Say the words without anticipating any particular response. If you try to force a warm, cuddly feeling, it could be totally false. Just see what emerges from this particular way of paying attention. We begin with ourselves because truly caring for ourselves is the foundation for

being able to care for others. Repeat silently, over and over, "May I be happy. May I be safe. May I be peaceful. May I live with ease." It's fine to use any phrase or phrases that are significant to you. After a few minutes, begin silently offering the phrases to someone you respect and love, a benefactor or good friend. "May you be happy. May you be safe. May you live with ease." Following that, choose someone you feel fairly neutral toward, as Rachel did with her dry cleaner. Then make a bold shift and call to mind people you don't get along with, those you have hurt, those who have hurt you. This might call up an immediate surge of resentment or annoyance. Rather than giving up, go back to offering lovingkindness to yourself in the face of your anger, impatience and distress. Over time our anger begins to subside as we care for ourselves and again practice opening our attention to those from whom we're estranged. This part of the meditation can be hard, but it's the place where we deeply contact our innate capacity for lovingkindess. Venturing beyond our preconceived limitations, we see how much love we have within. Finally, offer the phrases to everyone, without exception or distinction: "May all beings be happy. May all beings be safe. May all beings live with ease." The care and kinship Rachel felt toward her dry cleaner, we feel toward everyone. As the Japanese poet Issa said, "Under the cherry blossoms' shade, there are no strangers."

35 Little Acts of Kindness

Oprah.com | From the December 2000 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

One small, thoughtful gesture can make someone else's day...

1. Say "Good morning" to a person standing next to you in the elevator. 2. Pay the toll for the driver behind you.

3. Take a minute to direct someone who is lost, even though you're rushing. 4. Write a letter to a child who could use some extra attention. Kids love getting mail. 5. Offer to pick up groceries for an elderly neighbor, especially in extreme weather. 6. Give a homeless person your doggie bag. 7. Say "I love you" to someone you love. 8. Put a coin in an expired meter. 9. Help a mother carry her baby stroller up the subway stairs, or hold a door open for her. 10. Each time you get a new item of clothing, give away something old. 11. Take someone's shift as the car-pool parent. 12. Bring your assistant coffee. 13. Out of the blue, send flowers to a friend. 14. Say "please" and "thank you"and really mean it. 15. When you're on a crowded train or bus, offer your seat to an elderly, disabled or pregnant person. 16. Don't interrupt when someone is explaining herself. 17. Let a fellow driver merge into your lane. 18. Offer to baby-sit for a single mom. 19. Put your shopping cart back in its place. 20. Call or write to a teacher who changed your life. 21. Bring a box of doughnuts to share at the office. 22. Forgive someone a debtand never bring it up again. 23. Listen with all your senses. 24. Write a note to the boss of someone who helps you, and explain how great a job that person is doing.

25. Simply say "I'm sorry" when you're wrong. 26. Throw away your trashand someone else'safter a movie, picnic or visit to a park. 27. Encourage someone who seems despondent. 28. Volunteer to take care of a friend's dog while he is vacationing. 29. Help a friend pack for a move. 30. Ask someone "How are you really doing?"and then really listen to her response. 31. Offer change when the person in front of you at the register comes up short. 32. Before a friend moves away, give her your favorite recipe or quote and a photo of the two of you together. 33. Leave a generous tip for a pleasant waiter. 34. At work, offer to transfer a caller who needs help from another department. 35. Pass along a great book you've just finished reading.

Sexual Confidence
Oprah.com | From the May 2004 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

How To Find Yours

Of all the things that affect our sexual satisfaction, the most important element is sexual confidence. By that I mean knowing not only that you're desirable but also that what you bring to a sexual encounter is likely to be highly valued by your partner.

Not surprisingly, sexually confident women seem to be more sexually active and have a whole lot more fun while they're at it. That doesn't mean they confuse quantity with quality. What sets the sexually confident woman apart is that she's relaxed. She experiences things fully because she isn't self-conscious. She doesn't obsess about rejection or failure, and as a result she enjoys success after success. But so many people speak of sexual confidence almost as if it were some kind of exotic potion, enjoyed only by a lucky few. They tell me they aren't certain they comprehend the concept, and they don't have a clue about how to get it. If you're one of those folks, take heart and read on. The good news is that if this seemingly mystical characteristic is missing in your life, things can change. If you're sexually insecure or uptight, or just feel as if you aren't very good at it, all that can changein a hurry. The really good news is that attaining sexual confidence is totally up to you. It's time for you to put a little strut in your stuff. I'm going to focus on the female side of this topic, since most of you reading this are women. But many of the same principles apply to both sexes, so don't stop reading if you're a guyyou just might learn something. A Little Help from My Friends Although I've picked up some insight from 25-plus years of working with couples as well as sexually active singles, I was determined in preparing this article not to lean totally on my own understanding. So I sought the blessing of my wife, Robin, who was reluctant: She can't understand why her husband has to be the one who speaks to America about such private things. With Robin's okay, I made it my business to do some informal research. Now, out of 160 people who work on the Dr. Phil show, about 140 are womena pretty big pool to draw from. Eight of my coworkers and I sat down for a roundtable discussion about sexual confidence. Their comments and observations have been invaluable and in some cases, unprintable. I discovered that my very professional colleagues are pretty rowdy! Read on to find out the keys to unlocking your sexual confidence:

Sexual Confidence Defined Getting Some

How To Define It
Clearly, there are some things that sexual confidence is not about. For starters, it's not about having a great body. Perhaps unexpectedly, older women describe themselves as much more sexually confident than younger ones. I say "unexpectedly" because younger women tend to be regarded as having more objective sex appeal. But older women have the extremely valuable benefit of experience. Carla, 41, put it this way: "If I took the confidence I have now and the body I had in my 20s or 30s, I'd be hell on wheels. But would I trade what I now understand about myself, my body, and sex just to have the body back? No way, no how!" When she was younger, her fear of rejection and insecurity caused her to be a people pleaser. She knows better now: It's not selfish in a sexual situation to please yourself. Think about itwhat greater gift could you give your partner than to have a really good time? If you're having fun, your partner is going to have fun. And that's not a license for selfishness; it's a recognition that you can't give away what you don't have yourself. Sexual confidence isn't something you need a partner to give to you or validate in you. In fact, if you're focusing too much on him, that can be a big distraction and erode your sexual confidence. Virtually all the women I talked to agreed that when they were younger, they were more inclined to let other people define their sense of self. Women who know their bodies betterwho know what turns them onreport enjoying sex more. They're more confident that their interactions will be successful. Rebecca, 29, though 12 years younger than Carla, endorsed her view. "If I had the confidence at 23 that I have now, I would have had a lot more fun," Rebecca says. "I'd have spent much less time worrying about what a guy was thinking and enjoyed myself more."

That's true of most of the women I've spoken to on this subject over the years. They tend to care much less as time goes by about what other people think. They certainly don't let men inhibit them. Older women, in particular, seem much more at ease with the prospect of being on their own, are more content with who they are, and feel far less desperation to be in a sexual relationship which, in turn, allows them to relax and feel more secure in themselves. And that clearly boosts their sexual confidence. This brings me to a point made over and over by the women in my little survey, a belief so widely shared that it's a core truth about sexual confidence: It is not all about sex. It is very much about power, the power that comes from liking and accepting yourself. A woman who is open-minded, wants to have fun, and isn't counting on getting an engagement ring within minutes of meeting a man has an ease about her that translates as power. By contrast, one who looks like she's on the prowl for Mr. Right and is deafened by the ticking of her biological clock sends a totally different message. And as any guy will tell you, that message is: Run! But if you're comfortable and genuinely happy, others sense it and want it. Women who like where they are in their lives exude an assurance that makes for some very positive vibes in the bedroom. More on Sexual Confidence Introduction

Getting Some

Getting Some
For all the media hype surrounding sex and the ways in which it's glamorized in our society, we're pretty darn rigid in the real world of Anytown, U.S.A., and it's difficult for many women to think of themselves as sexual beings, let alone enjoy that role. If your sexual confidence meter is on empty, here are a few ways to fuel up: The key to unlocking your sexual confidence is to check your self-perception.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholderand you have to see yourself as beautiful before you can expect anyone else to. Yes, you need to feel good about your body. But as thousands of sensuous women will tell you, body image is far less important than just feeling good about yourself and your life overall. By deliberately steering your internal dialogue toward positive, empowering thoughts, you can increase your level of assurance. Maybe you need to replace your current internal dialogue with sexually confident messages like: I'm happy. I'm fabulous. I've got it. I'm beautiful. Once your internal dialogue is playing the right words, pay attention to what you're saying nonverbally. You can use whatever words you like, but a huge percentage of what you communicate is coming through your body language, loud and clear. If a woman projects a sense of knowing that she's desirable, the man or men in her life will be drawn to her like bears to honeyand that's true whether or not she meets any notion of what a sexy woman "ought" to look like. The way she walks into a room, her posture, how she maintains eye contact, how she dresses, how much time she spends checking out other women and comparing herself to themall contribute to the aura she exudes. Before you can give off a confident aura, you need to be comfortable with your body. If you're one of those people who can't even look in the mirror when you're naked, you need to get used to it. Maybe you need to start with lingerie. Maybe you need to begin with a snowsuit and work down from there. The point is, you need to feel comfortable with yourself, and then you can get to know your sexual self. Figure out whatever you need to do to get in the mood whether it's lighting candles, playing music, or something elseand do it. Ultimately, a sexual response is much more successful when people lose their inhibitions. So you're going to have to learn to get comfortable in your own skin. Now let's talk about technique. If you have knowledge about what works and what doesn't, you have power. Rent a video, read a book, buy a feather boa but make it a priority to find out! And remember, something even more powerful than good technique is the willingness to surrender and immerse yourself in the interaction. Someone who has good form but paints by the numbers isn't nearly as good a sexual partner as someone who is willing to throw self-consciousness to the wind and totally engage in the process. Power, besides being highly attractive by itself, is the spice that lends an extra something to a woman's sexuality. Norman Mailer once wrote that Marilyn Monroe was so attractive to men because she looked "easy." Sorry, Norman, but I don't think that's exactly right. For years, men have told me that they desire a woman who doesn't come off as looking like a sure thing. Approachable and unintimidating, yes, but not easy. "I think guys like women who might appear to be easy but who they know are not," says Ianthe, 31. Jennifer Aniston, for example, is viewed as the sexy girl next door; not too flirtatiousnot easybut not standoff-ish, either. There's power in her demeanor. Lots of sexually confident women, as different from one another as Jennifer Aniston and Marilyn Monroe, successfully navigate the fine line between accessibility and control. As Gwynne, 42, says: "They give off an aura that says, I've got it, you want it, and I'll decide if you can have it."

And, finally, you have to name it to claim it. It's not enough simply to say, "I want a sexually fulfilling relationship." Sexual confidence means being able to identify exactly what you like and dislike, and having the guts to express it. That may mean exploring your own body to find out what pleases you. Knowing what you want and what it takes to make you feel good will give you more confidence. That leads to more fun, which in turn increases your confidence, which creates more fun: Are you following me? Good sex, healthy sex, is a kind of play. Be willing to get good at it, and find out what it's going to take for you to like and accept yourself. Know what makes you happy sexually. Acknowledge the power that you have as a woman. Then give yourself permission to be sexual and to enjoy it.

How to Fix the Broken Record in Your Head

By Martha Beck Oprah.com | From the January 2010 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

(The one that's always saying you're not good enough.)

Ah, the promise of a fresh new calendara fresh new You! This is the year it will finally happen: You'll envision your ideal life, purge your bad habits, and sail on to perfection! For almost half an hour! At least, that's how long it takes for the burbling Maria von Trapp voice in my head to be drowned out by one that sounds more like Don Rickles. Don never lets Maria finish a thought: "In 2010 I'm going to exercise during lunchtime" "No, Walrus Girl, you're going to lunch during exercise time." "I vow to stay calm no matter" "You and how much Valium, Cruella?" "I'll say affirmations to boost my self-esteem" "Loser!Loser!Loser!Loser!" How do I counteract this negativity? I have psychotic breaks. But that is not what you should do. You should follow these tips: 1. Recognize your negative voice as a 2-year-old's tantrum. Trying to reason with it only increases the hysteria. Instead, take your inner 2-year-old to a quiet place and let it throw its fit. Write down all the cruel judgments until they fade to a grumble. 2. Accept that some of your self-criticism may be true, but never let failure end the story. Instead of saying no to the negative voice, say, "Yes, and...." For example, "Yes, last year I jogged only as far as that new kielbasa stand...and I also managed to stop a few binges by reading trashy novels

instead." Speaking of which... 3. Never just quit; always substitute. Bad habits fill needs, so find good alternatives to them. But remember, push-ups can't substitute for pancakes unless you love push-ups (in which case we will never be really close). Companionship, laughter, playthese things can sub for pancakes...most of the time. And that's enough. 4. Instead of planning to be perfect, plan to do a little better. Win 51 percent of the battles, and you'll win the war. Get started right now by following some of the advice in O's Live Your Best Year Toolkit. You know if you try to follow it all, you'll end up rupturing something...and you'll find a way to sew it back together, because by God, this year all your stories are going to end happily.

6 Steps to See Yourself More Clearly

Oprah.com | From the April 2011 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

The traits you dislike (and admire) in others are probably traits you possess, too.
I have the most fabulous conversations when I'm alone. Driving, exercising, flossing my teeth, I offer opinions and advice that would change the world, if only the people I'm talking to were actually there. One day I'll laser-focus on a particular client, telling her exactly how to dump her awful boyfriend and develop some self-esteem. The next day I'll masterfully elucidate how a friend should raise his children, or help the president better handle the media. So great are my powers of persuasion that I can go back in time, intercept Virginia Woolf as she heads out to drown herself, and help her resolve her issues so she wants to live, live, live! Also make her subsequent novels a little less weird! I think most people engage in this sort of mono mano a mano from time to time. I've spent countless hours listening to clients explain what a loved one or coworker needs to hearso many, in fact, that I finally had to make a formal policy: I don't coach anyone who isn't in the room. Yet when a session is over and my clients leave, I frequently go right on coaching them in my head. Recently, I discovered a way to turn these hypocritical solo conversations into a self-improvement tool. I find it surprisingly powerful. I'm hoping you will, too. Mirror, Mirror Psychologists call it perseverating: "To repeat or prolong an action, thought, or utterance after the stimulus that prompted it has ceased." Our subconscious minds cause us to obsessperseverateabout people who mirror something in ourselves that needs our attention. I often marvel as clients bewail the very

things in others that reflect their own actions. For example: "I can't believe my kid has been smoking potI'm so upset, I've had to double my anxiety medication." "My boss is incredibly secretive. It's so unhealthyshe's creating a culture of concealment. But don't tell anyone I said so." "I wish I could get my sister to stop tearing herself down. I mean, she's not a total freaking loser like me." From the outside, it's obvious these statements are masterpieces of selfreferential thinking. But when we're the ones perseverating, we don't realize we're looking at human mirrors. So I devised the following exercise, which I call Epistles of Perseveration. It can help puncture denial and make the changes your subconscious mind knows are most important for you, right now. Step One: Choose A Negative Perseveration Person (NPP) Think of a person who's been on your mind, someone whose misdeeds really chap your hide, and who could benefitbut plenty!from your awesome insight. Get a pencil and paper and prepare to perseverate in print. Step Two: Unleash Your Inner Bitch I first tried this on a day when my mind was a storm of advice for an acquaintance I'll call Glinda. Since trying to confine my inner judgmental bitch wasn't working, I decided to let her burn off some energy on paper. At the top of a notebook page, I wrote, "Dear Glinda, here is what I really think about you in my lowest moments." Then I scrawled out all the things I'd been trying not to think. "You're so two-faced!" I wrote. "You fawn over people until their backs are turned, and then you criticize and undermine them. You're sneaky and manipulative and insincere. It makes me sick!" Writing this down felt horribly liberating. I could practically hear the hormones gushing from my adrenal glands as I scribbled. Now it's your turn. Write a letter to your negative perseveration personnot to send, but to capture the harsh thoughts howling through the darkest caverns of your mind. Enjoy this step; most people do. The next one's kind of a buzzkill. Step Three: Change the Name to Stop Protecting the Guilty Once you've fully expressed your thoughts to your NPP, cross out his or her name at the top of your letter. Write in your own. Now read the letter as if it's written to youand instead of defending yourself, absorb it the way you'd want your NPP to: thoughtfully, openly, without resistance. In the case of my rant at Glinda, my hypocrisy was obvious. I hadn't told the woman I thought she was vilely duplicitousexcept when she wasn't there. In her presence, I was polite. In short, I was being friendly to her face, then attacking her (if only in my mind) behind her back. I was being, in my own words, "sneaky and manipulative and insincere."

As soon as I realized all that good advice was for me, my perseveration about Glinda turned into a humbling effort to be more honest and consistent in my relationships, with Glinda and everyone else. I almost stopped thinking about herexcept as a teacher I could thank for helping me see my own problematic behavior. When you read your NPP letter, it may be obvious you deserve the very feedback your inner bitch is handing out. If not, look more deeply. For example, if your NPP is a bully but you're a mild-mannered sort, notice where you've allowed yourself to be intimidated; cringing is half the bullying dance, and you may have been dancing it all along. Or if your NPP is fanatically controlling and you're generally relaxed, notice that you're trying to control this person's controlling-ness. If your NPP wastes money and you're frugal, see where you've squandered currencies other than money, such as time or attention (for example, by perseverating). The wonderful thing about recognizing your own worst traits in your NPP is that your letter will be rich in good advice. By perseverating, you've explored all sorts of ways in which your targetthat would be youcan do better. In fact, the bitchier you've let yourself be, the clearer the instructions. Step Four: Choose A Positive-Perseveration Person (PPP) Taking your own negative advice is strong medicine, but for some people the second half of this exercise is even harder to assimilate. Please persist through these last three steps, though, or you'll miss half the messages from your human mirrors. For this step, choose a positive-perseveration personsomeone you think about in a grateful, admiring, even envious way. Often these people will crop up in your solo conversations, but instead of ranting, you'll find yourself listening, repeatedly remembering something they said or did. Not long after composing my letter to Glinda, I visited a dying friend I'll call Sue. Sue didn't want to talk; her esophagus was blocked, and although she was receiving fluids via an IV drip, her mouth and throat were terribly dry. I sat beside Sue for half an hour before noticing that my mind was repeating part of a poem from a collection called Thirst, by Mary Oliver: "Don't worry, sooner or later I'll be home. / Red-cheeked from the roused wind, / I'll stand in the doorway / stamping my boots and slapping my hands, / my shoulders / covered with stars." I know this poem because I'm mildly obsessed with Oliver's work, in a way that definitely counts as perseveration. Phrases from her poems often fill my mind like looped recordings, repeating as tenaciously as my advice to NPPs. To comfort myself as I sat beside Sue, I began silently reciting other Oliver poems ("When it's over, I want to say: all my life / I was a bride married to amazement." "And who will care, who will chide you if you wander away / from wherever you are, to look for your soul?"). After a while, though I hadn't moved

or spoken, Sue looked at me, smiled, and whispered, "That feels good." Then she slowly relaxed and fell asleep. I took out my notebook, turned to a fresh page, and began to write: "Dear Ms. Oliver, here is what I really think about you in my lowest moments." Step Five: Unleash Your Inner Adoring Puppy I hope you're following the process here: Choose a PPPa person you admire and appreciateand write an absolutely honest letter to him or her. When I do this, I become as worshipful as a rescued pound dog. "Thank you for walking away from busyness to linger in nature," I wrote to Mary Oliver. "Thank you for finding words to say what silence teaches." If she'd been there, I would have given her all my chew toys. Step Six: Again, Change the Name Once you've written to your positive perseveration person, repeat step three: Cross out his or her name and substitute your own. Read your own feedback, absorbing it without resistance, because once again, you were really talking to yourself. My letter to Mary Oliver stunned me. For years I've chastised myself for periodically ignoring e-mails and appointments to disappear into the mountains or the African savanna. But now I saw clearly: My AWOL adventures haven't been a waste of time! When I travel, I'm hunting and gathering messages that comfort me not only in the hubbub of life but also in the face of death. I'm no Mary Oliver, but something in me has been trying to follow her example. What does your PPP letter tell you to love within yourself? For which of your attributes are you unconsciously grateful? Whatever you've written, now is the time to accept it. Embrace it as you'd want your heroes to embrace your appreciation. You really are that person. Upon Reflection... It's helpful to remember that our subconscious minds continuously seek out human mirrors and hold them up to our conscious awareness. Looking deeply at our own "reflections" expands our awareness of our worst qualities (so we can correct them) and our best (so we can enhance them). Perseveration letters can transform your solitary conversations into powerful dialogues, because the person you're talking toyoustarts to hear. And when that happens, in small but deeply significant ways, your good advice really does begin to change the world.

Martha Beck: Impotent Rage

By Martha Beck OWN TV | October 15, 2004

It's got to be the nastiest feeling in the world. You want to scream. Beat your head against the wall. So what can you do? Get in touch with your ire power, says Martha.
"She seemed like such a nice person," the neighbors always say. "I can't believe she strangled that Bloomingdale's floor clerk with his own tie." The neighbors may be truly surprised by the outburst of violence, but many of us not-so-innocent bystanders understand it completely. We walk meekly about the world hiding our own reservoirs of anger, reservoirs that rise a little each time we experience what feels like impotent rage. I say "feels like" because though we all encounter situations in which we have no power to act constructively on our anger, these are very rare. If you often experience rage that feels impotent, you are almost certainly failing to comprehend, let alone use, the full extent of your own power. You've blocked the healthy flow of anger through your life, and the accretion of rage may well be poisoning your happiness, scarring your

relationships, and stunting your career. It's time to channel your anger into the healthy course it was meant to take.

Why we feel our rage is impotent

We learn to dam up our anger when we are dependent on any social system in which our needs and our experiences are ignored. Every child encounters this in some measure, since even the most attentive parent can't fulfill all the child's desires. But there's a difference between a caretaker who can't fit a longed-for pony into a two-bedroom apartment and one who responds coldly, or fails to respond at all, to the child's basic hopes and fears. People whose childhood feelings were heard, discussed, and valued have a sense of power and possibility even if their parents could offer little in the way of material rewards. On the other hand, if you grew up with indifferent or cruel caretakers, you may have a lifetime supply of stored anger. Worse, you may also have a core belief that expressing or acting on this anger is worse than useless, that it will never lead to positive changes and may well get you punished. You project your childhood helplessness onto situations where anger might be just the ticket. The effect of such passive responses is to drive anger inward, where it boils your innards into a lump of despairing plasma. "How do I get rid of this anger?" my more passive clients often ask me. "How do I let it go?" But letting go of their anger is the last thing I want them to do. Anger isn't the real problem in their lives; on the contrary, it's the solution. No, the real problem is fearfear that expressing anger will lead to the same kinds of disaster they've encountered in the past. If you're constantly trying to let go of pent-up rage, you've probably spent decades letting your fear convince you to act as if you feel no anger. It's time to let your anger persuade you to act as if you have no fear.

Giving anger a voice

The first step to being free from impotent anger is to let it tell its whole story, complete with expletives and the occasional chest-thumping roar. A therapist or laid-back friend can be a good sounding board. Because this is asking a lot, I often prefer writing about my anger. Speaking or writing, I start by describing the situation that upset me in whatever vague terms come to mind. As the words emerge, my feelings become more focused, the reason for my anger more clear. The idea is to keep talking or writing until the whole extent and cause of the anger becomes apparent. This isn't as simple as you might think, because for people who tend to repress anger, the proximate cause often taps the hidden rage pool that's been accumulating since childhood. The segue between proximate cause and stored rage is usually a phrase such as "It reminds me of..." or "It's just like...." Let yourself go off on this tangent. Keep talking or writing until the well runs dry, until the anger is fully voiced. Once you've identified the issue that's upsetting you, your next step should be to learn all you can about it. Anger is always a response to perceived injustice, which may dissolve with deeper understanding. Whatever the cause for your anger, you have three options for dealing with it.

Loyalty, voice or exit

According to economist Albert O. Hirschman, a luminary in the study of organizational behavior, there are three possible attitudes you can adopt toward a social system: loyalty, voice or exit. 1. People who feel lots of impotent rage tend to act loyal, complying silently or cooperating without complaining. This may look virtuous, but if you're legitimately angry, it's a doomed strategy. It will wither or sour your emotional connection to others, in the name of keeping the peace.

2. Voice, or expressing anger, is a more difficult but productive alternative. To do it effectively, you must not only define exactly what's bothering you but also be willing to help solve the problem. When you voice your own anger, be careful to pinpoint the issues that upset you. Always suggest a positive solution (an apology, a policy change, a salary increase) that would satisfy your sense of fairness. 3. In severely dysfunctional systems, exit is the best option. People who are used to tolerating chronic rage resist this, staying far too long in toxic relationships, exploitative jobs and other horrific situations. Anger is the good friend that urges us to leave these situations, that won't let us feel comfortable enduring mistreatment. Don't wait until you're half-dead, physically or emotionally. When you see the sign that says exit, head for it. Sometimes exit entails physically leaving a person or organization. More often, though, it means detaching at a deep emotional level by acknowledging that you are on different wavelengths. Mental exit is often more powerful than physical departure. And it may be a crucial escape when you want to physically exit but can't. Try the Monte Cristo Exit, a strategy I named after the character in Dumas' famous novel who stays sane in prison by trying to tunnel out. It takes him years, but because he's working on his escape every day, he survives. The Monte Cristo approach requires you to work every day on your escape plan (finding other means of support, improving your health, saving money) while tolerating an unsavory situation just a bit longer.

Channeling anger into action

It doesn't take world revolution to rid you of rage; even small steps toward distant goals can free your heart from anger. For example, I occasionally get angry about the way society devalues and marginalizes my son,

Adam, who has Down syndrome. Writing and speaking about this issue is enough to eliminate my anger, even though the changes I effect are tiny compared to the extent of the problem. I've also staged sit-downs in schools, medical offices, and public recreation facilities, sitting with Adam in a lobby or principal's office until someone is willing to give him the consideration any child deserves. As long as I continue to act by taking some action to create change, my discontent is a rare event, not a chronic condition. A sense of impotent rage should not be part of your daily experience. If it is, listen more attentively to the voice of your friend anger. It is waiting for you to act on it intelligently and courageously, so that it can show you how powerful you really are.

The Job for You

By Anne Dranitsaris, PhD Oprah.com | From the January 2010 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

After taking the quiz to discover who you're meant to be, find your striving style below and find the right career for you.
1. Striving to help: A need to take care of other people is important to this type, who thrives in professions like: Career counselor Psychologist Massage therapist Development, or Training Consultant Paralegal Wedding Planner Paramedic 2. Striving to be recognized: An audience and a chance to show off their charm suit this type, which works best in roles such as: Teacher Newscaster Real Estate Agent Publicist Talent Agent

Investment Banker Journalist/Reporter/Reporter Literary Agent 3. Striving to be creative: Imagination and personal expression are important to this type, so they enjoy jobs as: Graphic Designers Art Directors Yoga Instructors Drug Addiction Counselors Architects Actors/Musicians/Dancers/Athletes College Professors Yoga or Meditation Teachers 4. Striving to be spontaneous: These action and adventure lovers are drawn to careers that promise excitement, whether as a: Coach Police Officer Events Promoter Family Lawyer Nutritionist Investigator Broker Travel Agent or Tour Operator 5. Striving to be knowledgeable: Deep thinking and an inventive spirit help this type excel in fields like: Biomedical Research Computer Programming Law Education Engineering Management Environmental Planning Telecomunications 6. Striving to be secure: Stable, accurate, and with an unbending attention to detail, this type does well in jobs that have consistency, such as: Paralegals Accountants Electrical engineers Dentists School administrators Public servants Computer programmers 7. Striving to be in control: Decisiveness and authority come easily to this type, so they work best in leadership roles: Restaurant manager Healthcare administrator

Sales director Teacher Political consultant Marketing manager Advertising executive Politician

Becoming the Person You Were Meant to Be: Where to Start

By Anne Lamott Oprah.com | From the November 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

We begin to find and become ourselves when we notice how we are already found, already truly, entirely, wildly, messily, marvelously who we were born to be. The only problem is that there is also so much other stuff, typically fixations with how people perceive us, how to get more of the things that we think will make us happy, and with keeping our weight down. So the real issue is how do

we gently stop being who we aren't? How do we relieve ourselves of the false fronts of people-pleasing and affectation, the obsessive need for power and security, the backpack of old pain, and the psychic Spanx that keeps us smaller and contained? Here's how I became myself: mess, failure, mistakes, disappointments, and extensive reading; limbo, indecision, setbacks, addiction, public embarrassment, and endless conversations with my best women friends; the loss of people without whom I could not live, the loss of pets that left me reeling, dizzying betrayals but much greater loyalty, and overall, choosing as my motto William Blake's line that we are here to learn to endure the beams of love. Oh, yeah, and whenever I could, for as long as I could, I threw away the scales and the sugar. When I was a young writer, I was talking to an old painter one day about how he came to paint his canvases. He said that he never knew what the completed picture would look like, but he could usually see one quadrant. So he'd make a stab at capturing what he saw on the canvas of his mind, and when it turned out not to be even remotely what he'd imagined, he'd paint it over with white. And each time he figured out what the painting wasn't, he was one step closer to finding out what it was. You have to make mistakes to find out who you aren't. You take the action, and the insight follows: You don't think your way into becoming yourself. I can't tell you what your next action will be, but mine involved a full stop. I had to stop living unconsciously, as if I had all the time in the world. The love and good and the wild and the peace and creation that are you will reveal themselves, but it is harder when they have to catch up to you in roadrunner mode. So one day I did stop. I began consciously to break the rules I learned in childhood: I wasted more time, as a radical act. I stared off into space more, into the middle distance, like a cat. This is when I have my best ideas, my deepest insights. I wasted more paper, printing out instead of reading things on the computer screen. (Then I sent off more small checks to the Sierra Club.) Every single day I try to figure out something I no longer agree to do. You get to change your mindyour parents may have accidentally forgotten to mention this to you. I cross one thing off the list of projects I mean to get done that day. I don't know all that many things that are positively true, but I do know two things for sure: first of all, that no woman over the age of 40 should ever help anyone move, ever again, under any circumstances. You have helped enough. You can say no. No is a complete sentence. Or you might say, "I can't help you move because of certain promises I have made to myself, but I would be glad to bring sandwiches and soda to everyone on your crew at noon." Obviously, it is in many people's best interest for you not to find yourself, but it only matters that it is in yoursand your back'sand the whole world's, to proceed. And, secondly, you are probably going to have to deal with whatever fugitive

anger still needs to be examinedit may not look like anger; it may look like compulsive dieting or bingeing or exercising or shopping. But you must find a path and a person to help you deal with that anger. It will not be a Hallmark card. It is not the yellow brick road, with lovely trees on both sides, constant sunshine, birdsong, friends. It is going to be unbelievably hard some dayslike the rawness of birth, all that blood and those fluids and shouting horrible terrible thingsbut then there will be that wonderful child right in the middle. And that wonderful child is you, with your exact mind and butt and thighs and goofy greatness. Dealing with your rage and grief will give you life. That is both the good news and the bad news: The solution is at hand. Wherever the great dilemma exists is where the great growth is, too. It would be very nice for nervous types like me if things were black-and-white, and you could tell where one thing ended and the next thing began, but as Einstein taught us, everything in the future and the past is right here now. There's always something ending and something beginning. Yet in the very center is the truth of your spiritual identity: is you. Fabulous, hilarious, darling, screwed-up you. Beloved of God and of your truest deepest self, the self that is revealed when tears wash off the makeup and grime. The self that is revealed when dealing with your anger blows through all the calcification in your soul's pipes. The self that is reflected in the love of your very best friends' eyes. The self that is revealed in divine feminine energy, your own, Bette Midler's, Hillary Clinton's, Tina Fey's, Michelle Obama's, Mary Oliver's. I mean, you can see that they are divine, right? Well, you are, too. I absolutely promise. I hope you have gotten sufficiently tired of hitting the snooze button; I know that what you need or need to activate in yourself will appear; I pray that your awakening comes with ease and grace, and stamina when the going gets hard. To love yourself as you are is a miracle, and to seek yourself is to have found yourself, for now. And now is all we have, and love is who we are.

What If You're Scared of Change?

By Amy Bloom Oprah.com | From the November 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Change can be wonderful. People improve their appearance, improve their marriages, get great new jobs, even great new spouses. Plus, dear little babies become adorable toddlers, and pretty soon the toddlers can read and then they're having a really nice Sweet Sixteen and their skin clears up and they never talk to you, they fall in love with people you wouldn't allow in your house if you had a choice and they move far away and you rarely get to see the grandchildren. That's what change is for a lot of usstuff you have to pretend to embrace

even as your heart sinks; you know it's going to end badly and you already feel the inevitable loss. The other awful thing about change is that we want it as much as we fear it and we need it as much as we need safety. I hate my marriage but I'm afraid of being alone. I'm sick of being a lawyer but I don't know how to do anything else. Good news: It doesn't matter whether you like change or not, whether you embrace it or run in the opposite direction. Not only will changes be taking place, they will be taking place all the time, with and without your participation, from the mouse-sized (they no longer make your favorite suntan lotion) to elephant-sized (death, divorce, and disability). It turns out that even if you make no changes in your lousy marriage, your stultifying job, or your painful relationship with your brother, all those things will change anyway. Your only choice is to take steps toward change (you don't have to quit the job or the marriage all of a sudden), or to wait and see what surprises the universe has for you as you cling to what you thought was safety. Mostly, change is as inevitable as rain in the spring. Some of us just put on our raincoats and splash forward, some of us choose to stay home, a few admirable nuts shed their clothes and cavort in the yard, and some people go out and get deeply, resentfully, and miserably wet. And no matter what, the rain falls. It falls on dry grass, which is the kind of change we love, and it falls, too, on June weddings and the day you began the Appalachian Trail. Sylvia Boorstein is a Jewish grandmother, a psychotherapist, and a Buddhist, which signifies to me that she must know something about complaining (even quietly) and accepting (not just pretending to). She writes: "We can struggle, or we can surrender. Surrender is a frightening word for some people, because it might be interpreted as passivity, or timidity. Surrender means wisely accommodating ourselves to what is beyond our control. Getting old, getting sick, dying, losing what is dear to usis beyond our control. I can either be frightened of life and mad at lifeor not. I can be disappointed and still not be mad." People get old, plans change, red wine spills on your great-grandmother's tablecloththere isn't any other way. It seems to me that the absolute star of accepting change is the Dalai Lama, the easy, gentle master of living in the moment and understanding that life is nothing but transition. My sister is not the Dalai Lama; no one has ever gotten them confused. My sister's approach to change, although not approved by the International Council for the Happy-Go-Lucky, is novel and effective. Me: Hi, it's me. I just wanted to let you know that x (a member of my side of our extended family) wants to bring someone to Thanksgiving/Passover/anything. She: Oh. S***. The table will be so crowded. Me: Umm She: It'll be awful. People will be sitting on the patio, practically.

Me: Umm She: I'm not making something vegan, dammit. Me: Umm She: Is he/she nice? Me: Yes. She: Are they in love? Me: Looks that way. She: [ Pause ] Okay. Me: Okay? It's okay? She: [ Sweetly ] Well, of course. [ Patiently ] There's plenty of room. So, maybe, there's an alternative to beatific acceptance of change. Maybe a little grousing helps. Maybe some frank grumbling smooths the way for some genuine acceptance. Maybe the trick is to acknowledge that change is sometimes wonderful, sometimes not, often disturbing, and always happening. Then, make room at the table.

Are You Listening to Your Life?

By Parker J. Palmer Oprah.com | From the January 2001 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

It can take a long time to become yourself.

I was in my early thirties when I first began to question my calling, teaching at a university and doing it reasonably well. But I felt stifled by the confines of academic life. A small voice inside was calling me toward something unknown and risky, yet more congruent with my own truth. I couldn't tell, however, whether the voice was trustworthy, whether this truer life I sensed stirring within me was real or within reach. Then I ran across the old Quaker saying "Let your life speak." I found the words encouraging, and I thought I understood what they meant: "Let the loftiest truths and values guide you. Live up to those demanding standards in everything you do." I believed I was being exhorted to live a life of high purpose, as did Martin Luther King Jr., Rosa Parks, and Mahatma Gandhi. Clinging fearfully to my academic job even though it was a bad fit, I tried to teach the way I imagined my heroes would. The results were rarely admirable, often laughable, and sometimes grotesque, as when I caught myself preaching to students instead of teaching them. I had simply found a "noble" way to live a false life, imitating my heroes instead of listening to my heart. Vocation the way I was seeking it, had become a grim act of will. Today, some 30 years later, I've found deep joy in my vocation as a writer, traveling teacher, and activist. And "Let your life speak" means something different to me now. Vocation, I've learned, doesn't come from willfulness. It comes from listening. That insight is hidden in the word vocation itself, which is rooted in the Latin for "voice." Before I tell my life what I want to do with it, I must listen for what my life wants to do with me. I've come to understand vocation not as a goal to be achieved but as a gift to be receivedthe treasure of true self I already possess. Vocation doesn't come from a voice "out there" calling me to become something I'm not. It comes from a voice "in here" calling me to be the person I was born to be. Accepting this birthright gift of self turns out to be even more demanding than attempting to become someone else. I've sometimes responded to that demand by ignoring the gift or hiding it or fleeing from it, and I don't think I'm alone. An old Hasidic tale reveals both the universal tendency to want to be someone else and the importance of becoming one's self: Rabbi Zusya, when he was an old man, said, "In the coming world, they will not ask me, 'Why were you not Moses?' They will ask me, 'Why were you not Zusya?'" When we lose track of our true self, how can we pick up the trail? Our lives speak through our actions and reactions, our intuitions and instincts, our feelings and bodily states, perhaps more profoundly than through words. If we can learn to read our own responses, we'll receive the guidance we need to live more authentic lives. The soul speaks only under quiet, inviting, and safe conditions. If we take some time to sit silently listening, the soul will tell us the truth about ourselvesthe full, messy truth. An often ignored dimension of the quest for wholeness is the need to embrace what we dislike about ourselves as well as what we're proud of, our liabilities as well as our strengths.

We can learn as much about who we are from our limits as from our potentials. For years I thought that becoming a college president was the right thing to do with my life, despite the fact that I'm too thin-skinned for the job. But when I embraced this limitation and found work where thin skinlet's call it sensitivityis an asset, not a liability, the fact that I'd never become a college president no longer felt like a failing. Instead it felt like a homecoming, a return to my true self, full of peace and joy. We can move toward such homecomings by seeking clues to vacation in childhood memories. When I was a boy, I spent hours putting together little books on how airplanes fly. For a long time I thought that meant I wanted to be a pilot. But a few years ago, I saw that what I'd really wanted all along was to write books. Our highest calling is to grow into our own authentic selfhood, whether or not it conforms to some image of what others think we ought to be. In doing so, we find not only the joy that every human being seeks but also our path of authentic service in the world. True vocation joins self and service, says theologian Frederick Beuchner, who defines vocation as "the place where your deep gladness meets the world's deep need." The world's deep needs are met daily not only by caring doctors and inspiring teachers but by good parents, good plumbers, good hairdressers, good friends. And as all those people know, the gladness of authentic vocation is always laced with pain. Ask any parent suffering through the travails of her child's teenage years. ***** But the pain that comes from doing the right job well and the pain that tells us we're on the wrong track are differentand the soul knows the difference. When we're on the wrong track, the soul feels violated and abused and cries out for change. But when we suffer from doing the right job well, the soul still feels fulfilled, because it knows how to take this kind of suffering and use it to make meaning and extend the heart's reach. This emphasis on self and gladness has nothing to do with selfishness. The Quaker writer Douglas Steere said that the ancient human question "Who am I?" leads inevitably to the equally important question "Whose am I?" since there is not selfhood outside of relationship.

When we answer the "Who am I?" question as honestly as we can, we will be more authentically connected to the community around us and will serve more faithfully the people whose lives we touchfor the gift of self is, finally, the only gift we have to give.

Can You Afford to Switch Careers?

Oprah.com | From the November 2010 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Q: I'm a 51-year-old massage therapist, and while I love my job, my body hurts from the hard physical work. I'm considering going back to school to get a nursing degree. I have around $80,000 in savings from an inheritance and $100,000 in equity in my home. But I'm also the single parent of a college-bound 14-year-old daughter. Should I change careers now?
A: It's likely that you'll be working into your 60s, so if you can't imagine staying with massage long-term, now is a fine time to make a switch. Given the high demand for skilled nurses, it's likely that you'll be able to find full-time work. My suggestion? Focus on youreducation, not your daughter's. Your financial security must take precedence. If becoming a nurse helps you better support yourself, that's the best move for you both. If you decide to return to school, carefully plan how you'll pay for it. Do you have

an emergency savings fundequal to at least eight months of living expenses? If not, then the inheritance must go toward that first. Will you be able to work fulltime while you study? If not, you need to calculate how much savings you'll need to get by. Finally, seek out the right loans. Federal Stafford and PLUS loans are preferable to private loans because the interest rates are fixed.

5 Ways to Feel More Alive

By Katrina Kenison Oprah.com | From the May 2000 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

It's the best way to reacquaint yourself with life's simplest pleasuresthe scent of lilacs, the sight of the sun rising and setting and the taste of fresh-baked bread.
My 5-month-old son sat in his high chair watching my every movethe flash of the knife as I sliced through juicy fruit, my hand reaching for a paper towel, the delivery of a strange item to the plastic tray before him. He picked up the slippery wedge with two hands, brought it to his mouth, bit and chewed, his

eyes wide, first with curiosity and then with pure delight. Watermelon! After a short lifetime of nothing but breast milk and water, here was something entirely new and wonderfulsweet, wet, pink, delicious! In one brief moment, my son's world grew bigger and so much more interesting. Babies meet the world entirely through their sensessniffing, tasting, touching, looking and listening with their whole beings. But what about the rest of us? Sensory pleasure is available to us too, in every moment of the day. Yet how easily we forget! "Most of us take our senses for granted," says Diane Ackerman, author of A Natural History of the Senses. "We're goal oriented, we're problem solvers. Indeed, those are two of our finest attributes. But we often overlook the textures and processes of life. We need to rejoice in our senses and allow them to reacquaint us with the pleasures of being alive," she says. The senses carry food to the soul. Delight the senses, nurture them, and the soul thrives. Bombard the senses, overload them, and the soul starves and shrivels. Every day the world clamors for our attentionthrough computers, television sets, headsets, radios, fax machines and telephonesand our senses have to take it all in. We eat on the run, plow through our to-do lists, yet we miss what is delicate, pure and lyrical. The exercises that follow will help you see, feel, touch, smell and hear with all your awareness. Feast your Eyes Look around the room you are in right now. What do you see that pleases your eyes and soothes your spirit? We navigate the world according to what we see: a red light at an intersection, dirty dishes in the sink, a friend in the checkout line. But the visual world affects not just our actions but also our feelings. When we are surrounded by forms and colors that feed our souls, we bask in contentment. Create a little altar for your eyes: Arrange one small space so it is exactly to your liking. Begin with a vase full of spring boughs on a tabletop and go from there. Set a favorite photograph beside it; add a pretty rock or feather, a bowl of plump cherries, a special note card from a friend. Choose one window in your home to be your "frame" on the outside world. The view should have something in it that lifts your hearta cherished tree, a patch of sky, a neighbor's potted geranium. Grow familiar with your view in all its intimate detail and look out on it for a moment or two at a different time each day. Watching this living landscape as it changes yet remains constant through the seasons, you may find you are led to your own quiet center. Explaining her return to the same spot on the coast of Maine for the past 20 years, columnist Ellen Goodman writes, "There are two ways to livewide or deep." Our sense of sight allows us to live deep, thanks to our profound powers of observation.

Wake Up Your Taste Buds We first learn about the world by putting it in our mouthsfingers, toes, mother's milk. By tasting we learn to distinguish that which nourishes from that which does not. Assemble the ingredients for a simple, solitary meal. Choose fresh, unprocessed foodsperhaps a salad, cheese, bread and a piece of fruit. Think about the origins of each foodthe long, marvelous journey from seed, mill or farm to your table. Sit down to your feast without any distractions and allow yourself to savor every mouthful. As Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh observes, we can see and taste the whole universe in a piece of bread. Do a taste test. All you need is a blindfold and an assortment of foods or drinks. The summer before my husband and I were married, we did blind Champagne tastings every Friday night, in a highly scientific quest for the right bubbly at the right price. It was tough work, but someone had to do it. People who are certain they don't like, say, green apples often discover they rank the Granny Smith above the McIntosh in a blind tasting. Without the benefit of sight, our taste buds surprise us. Hear A Pin Drop We do our ears a great favor when we create a quiet space and then fill it with sounds of beauty. As Buddhist teacher Jack Kornfield advises, "Take time every day to sit quietly and listen." Give yourself the gift of music, not as a soundtrack for some other activity but as your sole focus. Choose a recording to reflect the day's mood or to evoke the mood you seek. Then lie back with your eyes closed and deliver yourself to pure sound. Sit alone and close your eyes. Focus on the sounds around you and keep a mental list of everything you hearan airplane making its way across the distant sky, the drone of traffic on a freeway a mile away, the leaves blowing outside an open window. Stop and Smell the Roses...and Everything Else Ask people which sense they could sacrifice and most choose smell; as senses go, this one seems relatively dispensable. But without one's ability to smell, many of life's simple pleasures dwindle or disappear. We are smelling all the timeit is part of breathing, eating, lovemaking; part of taking in the world and responding to the great potpourri of life. We often carry our most vivid memories in our noses. Haven't we all buried our faces in a lover's forgotten shirt, inhaled the sweet essence of a baby's scalp, been stopped short by the haunting scent of lilacs? Such fragrances unlock the storehouse of the mind. Think about how you would like your house to smell. If it's cluttered with too many competing artificial aromas, throw out or give away products that don't please your nose. Introduce smells that are pure and natural, keeping the overall effect subtle. Instead of air freshener, try a scented candle. Put handfuls of fresh herbs into a pitcher of water. Open windows for at least an hour every

morning; air out rooms and fill them with the clean scents of damp earth and freshly cut grass. Let your nose lead the way on a sensory walk. Take a friend with you and see what good sniffers you are. Can you tell which neighbor is barbecuing chicken? Can you smell rain in the air before the first droplets fall? How far away is that pizza parlor? Humans can detect more than 10,000 odors. How many can you savor on your stroll? Indulge in Touch Through our fingertips, we can turn even the most mundane activity into a journey of discovery. Make a ritual of washing your face. Patti Pitcher, co-founder of the Isabella catalog of "books and tools for awakening the spirit," discovered that the simple act of caring for her skin resulted in heightened sensory awareness. "The cleansing is an awakening experience for me every time," she says. "The more sensitive the tips of my fingers become, the more alive my face feels and the more connected I become." Fill a basket with small objects that offer tactile pleasurea smooth stone, a chip of beach glass, a shell, a pinecone, a gnarled twig. When you've acquired a dozen or so items, hold the basket on your lap and close your eyes. Pick up each article, one by one, and explore it with your fingers, noting its texture, temperature, weight and shape. (This is a wonderful activity to try with children. So often they are admonished, "Don't touch!" What a treat it is to be invited to touch to their heart's content!) Living mindfully, we discover that a rich and fulfilling sensory diet is a matter of selection. Just as we can choose foods to nourish our bodies, we can choose sensory experiences that refresh our souls. The spurt of grapefruit on the tongue, a cheek turned to the sun, Yo-Yo Ma playing Bachsuch gifts to the senses remind us that we are alive and receiving the grace of the world.

9 Great Ways to Connect with Your World

By Gretchen Reynolds Oprah.com | From the December 2004 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Looking for closer friendships, stronger family ties, or a better relationship? Join the crowd.
Most of us know the empty, tinny, sometimes unbearable feeling of being alone or left out. Maybe our spouse has grown distant. Or no one seems to invite us to lunch or parties. Perhaps we are socially inept, shy, lonely, spiritually adrift, purposeless. One way or another, we're disconnected, unplugged from the sources that nourish us. It goes without saying that connection is essential to happiness, and science has confirmed its importance to our physical health. But what can we do when the lines of communication fray? How does one go about feeling closer to others or reclaiming a sense of belonging? To find out, O approached experts in psychology, medicine, religion, linguistics, ethicseven a political scientist who's studied the power of picnicsand asked them to lead us through some of the more common trouble spots. Here is their guide. You're single and you've met someone intriguing, but you don't feel an immediate "click." Should you get romantically involved anyway? The click is tricky. More than sexual attraction, it involves a lightning-strike sense of familiarity and an uncanny feeling of being understood. Unfortunately, it can be illusory. And while many a successful marriage has started with "we just clicked," this is not a reliable way to forecast lasting romance. Often the sudden, flooding sense of completion results because we may be unconsciously "trying to make up for a deficiency we feel within ourselves," says Lisa Firestone, PhD, a clinical psychologist, lecturer, and coauthor ofCreating a Life of Meaning and Compassion: The Wisdom of Psychotherapy and Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice. "A quiet man may be powerfully drawn to a talkative, gregarious woman. The sexual chemistry can be incredibly strong." But later the very characteristics that attracted us may gradually start to repel us because they are, in their way, a reminder of what we (at least in some small corner of our minds) fear that we lack. For some people, the quest to find a lasting passion whose urgency never abates is an excuse to stay single. This "is a common and very effective means of protecting yourself from intimacy," Firestone says: No relationship can measure up. A better guide to the potential of a new relationship is to ask yourself whether being with the other person is more enjoyable than not. Was your original conversation amusing, intellectually stimulating, challenging, even memorably adversarial or odd? Then it is worth pursuing. Physical intimacy differentiates our central, partnered relationship from all others, but the desire needn't be instantaneous. It can grow, often from the most mundane contact. How many women have noted how sexy a man is when he's doing laundry? "My grandparents met at the altar," says Rachel Naomi Remen, MD, clinical professor of family and community medicine at the University of CaliforniaSan Francisco School of Medicine and author of Kitchen Table Wisdomand My Grandfather's Blessings. But over the course of a 50-plus-year marriage and four children, they fell passionately in love. "Everyone who knew them

describes them as inseparable," Remen says. "Their love was the foundation of all their children's families." You feel attached to your immediate family and friends but not to your community, the nation, the broader human family. Does that matter? Welcome to the club. In the past 30 years, the number of Americans who've become members of a group, any groupthe PTA, the Elks club, the NAACP, church congregations, Girl Scouts, bowling leagueshas plummeted. "We rarely gather anymore," says Robert D. Putnam, PhD, the Malkin professor of public policy at Harvard University and author of Bowling Alone (2000), a landmark book that examined 30 years of data about American civic involvement, and coauthor of the more recent Better Together: Restoring the American Community. Voting participation is also way down. We invite neighbors over for dinner 45 percent less often than in the 1970s. Such disengagement does matter. "The best predictor of a low crime rate in a neighborhood is when most of the people know their neighbors' first names," Putnam says. Health suffers, too, when we cut ourselves off from others. "Your chances of dying in the next 12 months are halved by joining a group," he says. "Social isolation is as big a risk factor for death as smoking." Happily, societal alienation is tractable; each of us can tackle it. If you have children, just attend your local school's next PTA meeting, Putnam says. Invite your friends to a cookout or lunch in the park. "There's a relatively new scientific discipline about happiness," he says. "It shows that money can increase happiness, but not by much. By far the strongest component of happiness is how connected you are." Merely going on picnics has been found to increase a person's contentment by about 15 percent over those who never dine alfresco at all. Turn off the television, too. The drop in American civic participation is closely tied to the period in the early 1960s when household TV ownership reached 90 percent. Participation in youth sports is also down dramatically across the country. "Instead of watching the football game on Sunday, go outside and play football with your kids," Putnam says. "This isn't like telling you to eat your broccoli. It's more like 'take two parties and call me in the morning.' America would be a happier, healthier, more prosperous place if we connectedone to another. That's a scientific fact." (For lots of specific suggestions about participating in your community, school, neighborhood, and nation, see bettertogether.org, run by the Saguaro Seminar on Civic Engagement in America at Harvard University.) But you don't enjoy groups. In fact, you'd rather be by yourself most of the time. Should you try to make yourself more social? How? The good news about the science of connections is that "some people just don't need very many," says Peter D. Kramer, MD, a clinical professor of psychiatry at Brown University and the author of Listening to Prozac andShould You Leave? In many cases, one or two close relationships can be sustaining and sufficient.

"Psychiatry has come back to an interest in innate temperament," says Kramer, and experts believe that certain people are born shy or introverted. This doesn't mean they're stunted or socially maladroit. In Solitude: A Return to the Self, the late British psychiatrist Anthony Storr points out that creativity is often linked to seclusion. Henry James, Beatrix Potter, Franz Kafka, Beethovenall were loners (though not all were content; Kafka claimed to want to marry but couldn't bear the thought of a wife actually watching him write). The notion that aloneness entails loneliness is particularly American, says Rachel Naomi Remen. "In many other cultures, silence and solitude are accepted and built into the days." Not only does imagination thrive but contemplation is easier when the mind is uninterrupted by the activity of others. Perhaps, Remen suggests, we should wonder about the person who can never be alone: "We all need time to hear ourselves." That said, if you're cloistered in your home, day in and day out, or just too drained to see anyone, those could be signs that you may be depressed and should talk to a therapist. Sometimes just making yourself get out to meet a friend or attend an event can help your mood. For any introvert who decides to brave a party, Kramer says, "start small. Find one person to talk to." Introduce yourself. Ask innocuous questions about family and work. Ask follow-up questions. Even within the hubbub, you can remain focused and centered and enjoy the company of another. Your partner has grown emotionally distant. Or you've come to take each other for granted. There's no hostility, but not much intimacy either. How to draw closer? Thankfully, emotional space is relative and any distance may have more to do with how the two of you define intimacy than the way you feel. "Some people believe that the closer you are, the more you can be together without talking," says Deborah Tannen, PhD, professor of linguistics at Georgetown University and author of the groundbreaking 1990 work on male-female communication You Just Don't Understand. "Other people, often women, think that the closer you are, the more you talk." Both camps desire intimacy, but in a different fashion. "He may want to come home and not speak, since home is his refuge. She feels he's being withdrawn and uncommunicative," Tannen says. She asks questions. He feels pressed. She feels rebuffed. The schism grows. "In therapy, we talk about relational currencies," says Kathleen Galvin, PhD, professor of communication studies at Northwestern University and a family therapist. "Those are the ways people have learned to express affection, whether by saying 'I love you' or giving gifts or going for a drive to spend time together." If, like bordering nations, two parties employ different currencies, transactions tangle, skirmishes erupt, cold wars set in. When one person says, "I love you," and the other responds, "Let's go for a drive," "neither person is likely to feel satisfied." To close the distance, try becoming an in-home anthropologist. Note when you most long to talk. Is it in the evenings, when the children are finally in bed? Is that when he's most apt to be mute? Are the silences between you tense or

contented? "If you need to have conversations with your partner to feel connected, tell him," Tannen says. But listen, too. Recognizing that he might have a separate approach to intimacy can be, in its way, intimate. Ask whether you could sit quietly together, maybe listening to music (a different communion than conversation, but also valid) for half an hour or so; then take the next half hour to just talk to each other. You have no children and feel left out of the regenerative circle of life. "Children are our entre into the future," says therapist Kathleen Galvin, who is a mother of three. They're also a way to extend our youth, as anyone who has played hide-and-seek or shared Goldfish crackers with a toddler knows. The urge to connect to a child meshes nicely with what is, fundamentally, a duty, according to Rebekah Miles, PhD, an associate professor of ethics at Southern Methodist University in Dallas, who is writing a book about morality and child rearing. "In my opinion, there are no childless people," she says. "We all have responsibility for children." No one, even if he or she wishes it, can be disconnected from the next generation. We leave our marks, direct or subtle, on our children, our neighbors' children, and our nation's children. "But there are other ways to leave something behind," says Galvin. "The wish to project oneself into the unseen future, to outlast mortality, is fundamental to human nature and prompts many of our most lasting endeavors. Artists are often motivated by this impulse. Those who command the building of skyscrapersespecially those who attach their own names to themknow the feeling of generativity." So take up painting, woodworking, or quilting. Or get involved with other people's children. "You can volunteer at a library or the Boys and Girls Club," says Galvin. "Or tutor. I have students who have remained a part of my life for decades." And if, after all of this, you still need more interaction with children, Miles, the mother of two young girls, has a suggestion. "Call me," she says. "I can always use babysitting help." You're in high school, the girl with no date to the prom. Only it's now and the neighbors are the ones having parties and not inviting you. Or your colleagues are going to lunch while you sit alone at your desk. You feel excluded. It doesn't take much for most women to start fretting about being unlikable. "There's a little voice inside each of us that is constantly judging and finding us inadequate," says psychologist Lisa Firestone, who has spent her career studying that phenomenon. This self-hectoring tape, your hypercritical inner parent, is extremely difficult to ignore, she says. It guides many of us into behavior that reinforces our own harsh internal judgments and distances us from people who might offer a more positive opinion. The voice whispers that your coworkers would never enjoy your company anyway. "When I have a patient who complains about being snubbed," Firestone says, "I ask her to look back to the moment just before. Did she do anything to provoke the other person?" For instance, when the women at the office were gathering

to go out for lunch, were you hunched over your desk, looking defensive? Or if a neighbor passes you on the street, do you barely just nod before hurrying on your way? To change the dynamics, you must be active, courageous, and willing to risk rejection. Go up and talk to a neighbor or colleague, says Firestone. "Your inner voice may scream at you to stop, but you have to persevere." Invite the very person who seemed to reject you to lunch, to a party, on a walk. People are generally kinder than we suppose. And if not, shrug, smile, and move on, remembering that rude people have intimacy issues, toothere are plenty of others who would definitely appreciate your company. You're forced to spend time with someone who irritates or bores you: a stepfather, your brother's new wife, your boss. How do you find common ground? First the practical solution. When you're confronted with a person you're connected to but feel no connection with, try this simple tactic: Pretend you're a talk show host or reporter and interview her. Ask questions. Listen. Ask more. Let your questions slide from the general to the gently personal. "It's sometimes astonishing what you will learn when you let people talk about themselves," says Deborah Tannen. "They become more animated, more interesting, when they're bathed in the spotlight of your interest." We all want to be heard, to be seen, and for ourselves, not as the boss or sister-in-law or whatever role the other person knows us in. "When you learn about people's struggleswhat their hopes are, their dreamsthis allows you to find the common ground," says Remen. It's also worth considering, says Lisa Firestone, whether your original assessment of this personboring, annoying, gratingis based on your own anxieties. Perhaps a part of you worries that your brother, now engaged, will have less time for you. Your resentment colors your opinion of his fiance, even before you ever meet her. This expectation of dislike can develop its own self-fulfilling momentum. When she first introduces herself, you may react a little coolly. She rightly reads your response as scorn and draws back. You find her even more unpleasant. The underlying issue, meanwhile, has nothing at all to do with her. Next time, Firestone suggests, "look at her directly, make eye contact." Try to see her as an individual, not an impediment to your desires. If all of this queryingof the other person, of yourselffails to improve the connection, there's a philosophical stance, a certain perspective you can adopt. Remen recalls a psychiatrist who when asked how he could work with someone he didn't like, said, "Ah, everyone, at depth, is beautiful. Remembering this can soften your judgment." Though we've heard it before, Firestone urges us to have compassioneven toward people who seem very different. "It's hard to hurt those with whom we feel we share something," she says. "If nothing else, we all have our imperfect humanity in common."

You aren't a member of an organized religion but yearn for spirituality in your life. Virtually everyone at some point feels a need to be connected to something larger. This doesn't mean you've got to rush out to the nearest religious service. "There are so many definitions of the sacred," says Rabbi Tirzah Firestone (no relation to Lisa), a psychotherapist, counselor, and author of The Receiving: Reclaiming Jewish Women's Wisdom. "Some people can feel part of the infinite when they are in nature. Some people feel it doing yoga or meditation or listening to music." Rachel Naomi Remen agrees. "One of the most profound ways to experience spirituality," she says, "is through the heart." Look around and ask, "Who needs me?" Give of your time and kindness. Some of the cancer patients Remen treats, perhaps newly awakened to a sense of life's fragility as well as its value, begin doing things like reading to sick children in the hospital. "Most often it is through love that we experience the great spirit that binds us," she says. And don't automatically discount the churchor temple, or mosqueeven if you're a skeptic or haven't attended one in years. There is grace in sharing a room with others who are seeking spiritual union. "Most cities have churches that offer ecumenical, informal services, if you're uncomfortable with sermons and such," says Rebekah Miles, who is not only an ethics professor but also an ordained Methodist minister. Or you may find, like millions before you, that you can be transported by the sacraments of a high service. "I often attend the Episcopal church near me," says Miles, despite her position in her own church. "The liturgy is really beautiful. It sounds holy"which is why the language, and the longing for it, have endured. You wish you had a stronger connection with tradition, ancestry something to anchor you. Tapping into your past, to what is bred in your bones, can be a labyrinthine journey. "Nowadays we're all a blend of ethnic backgrounds," says Kathleen Galvin. Americans can have multiple family ancestries: European, African, Hispanic, Asian, Filipino, Maori, you name itoften generations removed. Several Web sites provide access to lineage information (familysearch.org is the online version of the Family History Library, the largest genealogy library in the world). Beware of companies that promise you an authentic history and a "family crest" for a fee. Many of these enterprises are fraudulent. A more immediate way to connect to your past is directly through family members. Sit down with your grandmother or grandfather, suggests Remen. Bring a notepad. A family's past resides in its stories, not its begettings, which is all that genealogy can tell you. Send out an email to far-flung uncles and cousins and ask if they'll share anecdotes, photos, or even a memento. Holding your great-grandmother's faded daguerreotype can be stirring. "You begin to understand that why you're the way you are may be related to who you came from," Remen says. "You realize, 'Oh, that's where I got my stubbornness, from my grandmother, who stood up to everyone.'"

Revive, too, some of the traditions and occasions that may have faded as you've grown up. If you spent every Christmas as a child at Uncle Harry's house with all your first cousins running around like banshees, invite everyone including the next generation of bansheesfor a rousing holiday feast at your home. Or throw a family reunion and include all the relatives (the great-aunts and great-uncles, the second and first cousins once removed). Sharing experiences as well as memories grounds you with a sense of belonging. The one caveat is not to go overboard on the genealogy research, says Joyce Catlett, author, child mental health specialist, and frequent collaborator with Lisa Firestone on books and lectures. "I've seen people become obsessed. It's isolating. They spend months on the Internet," using the past to avoid engaging in the present. Instead of squirreling away what you learn, then, pass it along. "It's wonderful to claim a piece of the past for yourself, to find out that you're, say, part Irish," Galvin says. "But it's not much fun to be part Irish alone." So read to your children about St. Paddy; wear goofy green hats together. Traditions and memories that are carried on into the future link the next generation not only to the past but also to you.

Why the Talking Cure Really Works

By Chee Gates Oprah.com | From the December 2004 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Feel better after a nice long chat with a friend? Everyone does. Here's why.
If you ever feel guilty (or unproductive or juvenile or gossipy) about your daily rap 'n' yap session with the girls, consider it cold cream for your well-being. Such talks are essential to emotional growth and mental health, according to Jean Baker Miller, MD, who cowrote the book on gal bonding, The Healing Connection, in 1997. Based on more than a decade of research and many decades of clinical practice, Miller concludes that not having at least one close

woman friend can contribute to psychological dysfunction. "Eating and sleeping disorders, anxiety, certainly depressionall that can result from chronic disconnection," she says. You can also add unhealthy aging to that list. One of the findings from the Nurses' Health Studyan ongoing investigation of more than 100,000 nurses since 1976revealed that among the oldest women, those who didn't have at least one confidante showed the same decline in physical functioning and vitality as heavy smokers and the most severely overweight. Conversely, the more friends a woman had, the better shape she was in, "although the research suggests it's the quality of the relationship that counts," says lead researcher Yvonne L. Michael. She explains that close friendships "provide a buffer for stressful living that is likely to play out through your immune and endocrine systems, allowing you to age healthier." In Michael's opinion, having strong connections is just as important for health as exercise. But yes, you still have to hit the gym (and you were hoping you could replace your workout with a group hug).