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These 12 tips will help you transform your grief, live your life fully and thrive after loss. I know this because these tips have helped not only me but also others that Ive worked with. They are simple tips but dont underestimate their power to create huge shifts within you. Youve already taken the first step by downloading this report, so dont stop here. Take more action and actually try the tips. You could be surprised at what happens. But first, I want to share my story with you ***** I loved running, feeling the wind around my face and my hair flying behind me. I felt free. Yet I stopped running at school when a kid made a comment judging my appearance. It ate into my already low selfconfidence. I felt ashamed to be me. Other kids started teasing me too until I dreaded going to school and all I could do was pretend that every horrible word said to me wasnt affecting me. Taunts about my red hair and my name were thrown at me too. I became very self-conscious and found it very difficult to speak to people. The comments and taunts followed me wherever I went. New schools offered new chances but Id hear the same comments and experience the same feelings of isolation and exclusion. High school was hell. I just wanted to be liked and fit it. I found refuge in my room where I would spend hours reading book after book, dreaming of foreign countries and languages and that someday, someone would find me beautiful. It was the same with nature. Alone in nature with the sun on my face and the wind in my hair I could run freely, without judgement. I could open myself to the universe and experience joy and happiness. I had become so used to the taunts, that I just accepted them, believed them. Yet despite all this, there was a part of me that would get up every morning and look in the mirror desperately trying to find something pretty in my face. Some days Id find it, but others days Id feel hopeless.
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When I discovered drugs and alcohol at 16 I thought it would be a way to fit in and be accepted. It didnt work like that. But what did happen was that the pain inside went away for a while and life didnt seem that bad. ***** I was 22 when my brother died. When I got the phone call about my brothers death I was at a party, high on cocaine, ecstasy and alcohol. The drugs had numbed all reaction and all I could do was sit there blankly; vacant, strange, and dream-like. People were shocked; some not knowing what to say, others came to say sorry. And I remember that the sun shone brightly without a cloud in the sky. Pink blossom bloomed on every tree, carpeting the ground in swirls. Over the next few days I knew instinctively that I wanted to do something as tribute to my brother. I called M8, the magazine that had sponsored the event my brother attended. They put up a notice on their website that attracted so many condolences that they decided to print a full page about my brother and the messages in the magazine. The best news came a few months later when they decided to dedicate the next event to his memory. My brother would have loved that! Yet this didnt take away the pain. As I struggled to cope with his death, I spent some time at home where I was drawn to the beauty and splendour of the surrounding nature. I spent hours staring at the sky and the trees, going for walks in the nearby wood. I realised many things. Id been wasting my life, scared to live it properly, hiding from both my problems and the opportunity to live. I also couldnt face that my brothers death had been nothing more than a senseless tragedy. It had to mean something. I understood I wanted to help others, to do something worthwhile with my life. I knew I had to live my life as tribute to him, to let the world know that I truly lived because of my brother and that I lived enough for the both of us.

Yet I was tortured by my confused emotions and all the memories that tapped into the pain and suffering Id blocked out as a child. It consumed me. It was all I could think about as I tried to make sense of everything, tried to understand why it had happened. I wanted to do something worthwhile with my life but I was drowning in the self-destructive behaviours that kept me taking drugs, drinking, selfharming, and overdosing on medication. While my behaviour was becoming more and more erratic, my thoughts were more and more disordered. I know people thought I was crazy. Hell, I thought I was crazy. One night 6 months after my brothers death, I was home and was desperately trying to explain how I felt to my mum. I could feel the anger and frustration rising amidst the confusion; I couldnt find the words to describe how I felt. Grabbing scissors I started hacking off my long hair in an attempt to show how I was feeling. I ended up bald. This was my darkest hour. It made me realise that I couldnt continue like this. Not only was I destroying myself and my family but I was dishonouring my brother. I put myself in a psychiatric hospital. If I really was crazy, then that was the best place for me. I was only there for three days. The doctors didnt think I was crazy and this helped me believe that I wasnt too. It was such a relief and it filled me with a sense of hope. I could get through this and make my life worthwhile, help others and make a difference to the world all as tribute to Peter. ***** As I worked through and released everything Id been holding onto I began to feel lighter and inspired. I spent more time in nature and from there I decided to set up a charity for young adults affected by bereavement so that I could help others who had been in a similar situation. The more ideas that came to me about this, the more motivated and energised I became. Suddenly I had something more important to do than get high all the time.

Throughout the 6 years the charity ran it provided a website with online support and 1-2-1 support in Edinburgh as well as drop-in sessions. I was a finalist in the Everywoman 2004 awards that recognised inspiring woman in business and in the top 10 finalists in Cosmopolitans Fun, Fearless Females Awards 2006. Every step of success made me happy that I could do something worthwhile, that I could make a difference. Of course I could still hear the negative voice in my head that would tell me that I was a fraud and it would only be a matter of time until other people saw this too. Yet with every piece of positive feedback, I could feel the negative voice becoming a little bit weaker. Here I was being me, and people were supporting this. It was such a different experience from childhood. A few years ago I had an opportunity to travel to Spain. All I had to do was pay the flight and talk to Spanish people for 10 days to help improve their English. My brothers nickname was Pedro so I took it as a sign that I should go. Those 10 days in Spain changed my life. I loved meeting people and connecting with them in such a positive way. Wed go for walks in the country practising English and as their own confidence in English grew over the days so did my confidence in myself. The nature was breathtaking. I was surrounded by vibrant green everywhere I looked and the hot sun heated me right down to my bones. It was nothing like I thought Spain would be. I felt alive in a way Id never felt alive before and I knew I wanted to return and live there. Id fallen in love with the country, the language and the people. ***** Standing on the rocks next to the waters edge I picked up stone after stone and threw them with all my might. The warmth of the sun heated and relaxed my whole body. The gentle swish of the waves arriving to shore calmed my senses and filled my head with a sense of peace and a notable absence of pain. With every stone I threw I imagined the stress leaving my body and drowning in the sea. Satisfied I continued on,
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exploring every inch of the island. I marvelled at the rugged coastline in the distance with its contrast of buildings and nature. Time disappeared and I was lost in the moment. Life has become a whirlwind of possibilities. Yet one thing remains constant: I always make sure that I connect with nature every day, even if its just with a potted plant in the house! Death is seen is as something negative, as something we should be afraid of. Yet it was the opposite for me. Death gave me the opportunity to value my live. It gave me the courage to change. It made me realise that I was worth something, that I could make a difference. It made my life better. It made me live more vibrantly and find daily ways to continue my relationship with my brother, living for him too. Every day I feel more and more alive. I continue to this day transforming my life. Its not just a process you do once and can then forget about. Its an on-going journey and all the answers Ive gained have come from nature. Watching the fluttering dance of a butterfly has taught me something. Locking eyes with a random cat sunbathing in the sun has taught me something. Seeing baby ducklings follow determinedly after their mother has taught me something. Climbing a tree and reclining in its branches has taught me something. And now I know what my special gift is to the world. I know how to help you see a way past your grief, that living after loss doesnt mean forgetting your loved one, that your life can be bigger and better because they are still a part of it. All you need to do is to start by cultivating your connection with nature. I want to teach you the same process Ive followed. I want you to transform your grief. I want your life to be better because they lived, not worse because they died. I want you to live a happier, healthier, more meaningful life in tribute to your loved one so that you too can thrive loss.

1. BREATHE DEEPLY Whether you are consciously aware of it or not, bereavement creates a stress response within your body. Taking time to become aware of your breathing can help combat this stress response. Any time you feel overwhelmed by loss, stop and take some deep breaths in from the abdomen. Your stomach should be going out as you breathe in. Put your hand on your abdomen to feel your stomach. This also helps you focus on your breathing. Use words like calm on the in breath and relax on the out breath to make this exercise even stronger and to get deeper benefits. This is the basic essence of meditation which research shows that it produces an effect similar to antidepressants, stimulates your immune system (which becomes weakened due to all those stress chemicals floating around in your body) and reduces pain. 2. BELIEVE THAT EVERYTHING IS OK Grief is a natural response to loss. It is ok to hurt, it is ok to cry, it is ok to have no idea what the future holds. Think about the seasons in Nature. Winter brings coldness, harshness and the reality of death yet spring is always around the corner bringing more warmth, hope and a return to life. In its own way grief is like this too. Research shows that your attitude can not only affect your health (remember those nasty stress chemicals dont add to them!) but also influence the outcome of a situation. If you believe that nothing is ok, that life is over and that you have no future then that is what you will create. If you choose to acknowledge that right now you hurt so much but its ok to be here and that is will be ok not to be here too in the future you can help yourself through the dark periods of loss. Keep reminding yourself that it is ok. If you dont believe it at first, pretend until you actually do.
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3. SLOW DOWN A lot of people say its best to keep busy. Yet if you keep busy you dont have time to experience your loss. The only way out is through your grief so the sooner you slow down, the quicker you can start transforming loss. Give yourself less to do. It doesnt matter if your house isnt cleaned or if you attend some social event or if you cheat and order takeaway. Stop doing all the busy unnecessary things. Also, drive slower, work slower, choose to walk instead of catching the bus or get out into nature and go for a long way. Stop doing all the busy unnecessary things. Stress chemicals affect your concentration and can cause you to feel more tired than usual. It also makes it easier for you to make mistakes. 4. RECOGNISE YOUR OWN GRIEF PROCESS Contrary to popular belief there are no stages of grief. Research shows instead that we spend time moving back and forth between a more introspective, emotional, thinking about the deceased, looking at photographs, etc stage and an adapting to our new life, redefining our roles, learning new skills and distracting ourselves from grief stage. We can move back and forth between these two stages very rapidly. Ive watched clients in sessions experience these stages many times within an hour session. Being aware of your grief and how you move between the two stages of the grief process can help you realise that what youre experiencing is a completely natural reaction to loss. We all move back and forth between these two stages in our own time and way. Take some time to reflect. What is your grief rhythm? How do you move back and forth between the two stages? Are there triggers that create movement? Can you gain control over it?

5. ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR POSITIVE EMOTIONS Whilst we seem to forget about positive emotions, they exist alongside the negative and its natural to have moments of joy whilst grieving. Its important not to push these feeling away thinking that theyre unnatural or that it means you didnt care. Positive emotions are a part of our natural resilience to loss and this natural resilience helps us return to life quicker. Suppressing these will extend your pain. Allow yourself to feel your positive emotions. This gives you extra strength and energy to face life. Whether its an emotion from a past event, like the joy from good times shared with your loved one or the thought of the love between you, or from a present event, like laughter at a funny situation or enthusiasm that youve achieved something great, FEEL. 6. RELEASE YOUR NEGATIVE EMOTIONS Releasing Negative Emotions such as guilt, fear and anger allows more positive emotions to be felt that increase your energy and strength. We can feel ashamed of having these emotions and this can keep us locked in a cycle of negativity. Yet they are natural to have. If you dont let go of your negative emotions you will never be able to feel the positive emotions of loss and transform it and learn to live. Loss will always seem to be a negative thing for you. You also dont need to hold onto your pain just to feel close to the person who died. There are other ways. Find a body of water the sea, a river or a lake. Look for stones that you can throw into the water. As you throw the stones as hard as you can, visualise the negative feelings being released. Keep on doing this until you feel a sense of calm.

7. COMMUNICATE WITH THE PERSON YOUVE LOST They dont need to be physically here for you to talk to them. Use your imagination. You can imagine their response or maybe you just need to feel youve expressed things that you didnt before they died. Numerous personal stories about loss as well as research acknowledge that we do continue to have an inner relationship with the person weve lost. Furthermore it is healthy and normal to do so. This belief exists in many other cultures different to our own western culture. It is also reported that between 50-75% of bereaved people experience some form of after-death communication from their loved one. Keep your mind open. All you need is a quiet spot where you can be alone to talk to the person youve lost. You might even sense their presence. You dont just need to talk to them, you could talk about their life to other people. You could write a letter and then burn it. You could use your loved one to help you make moral decisions. There is no right or wrong here. All that matters is that you are comfortable with it.

8. QUESTION YOUR BELIEFS ABOUT LOSS Our beliefs are ideas that shape our behaviour and understanding of the world. Since birth weve been influenced by family, society and culture. Most of the time were not even aware we have these beliefs. A lot of our beliefs are actually invalid and make no sense. Whilst they make us feel more comfortable in the world they can sometimes encourage use to have a limited viewpoint about our life and actually hold us back. This is especially true about our beliefs on loss. Think about what you believe about loss. Is it true? What evidence do you have to support it? Does it help you with your grief or hinder you?

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9. LEARN ABOUT LOSS FROM NATURE Loss is a natural part of the natural world. Yet in todays world we are disconnected from nature which means that our current understanding of loss is biased by this. We possess a distorted picture of loss. In nature, the cycle of life, death and rebirth is played out again and again. Seasons changes, trees lose their leaves then grow them again, day turns to night. These are all examples of loss that can show us what our own loss truly means. Go outside into nature and find a place that you feel attracted to. Sit down and watch the nature in front of you. What does it show you about loss? What can you learn? How can this change your own thinking about loss? 10. CREATE YOUR OWN RITUALS Big or small, alone or with others, the most important thing is that its a meaningful expression of acknowledging your loved one, their life and the impact they had upon yours. Throughout human history we have used rituals alongside loss. They help us express feelings, honour the deceased and keep them positively connected to our own lives. Even elephants have their own rituals for acknowledging the loss of another elephant. Some ideas for rituals are: playing their favourite song and thinking of them, having a gathering of people who knew them, lighting a candle, making a donation to a charity in their honour or planting a tree. Im sure you can think of many more. The most important thing though is that your main focus is on celebrating that they were part of your life and not mourning the fact that theyve gone from it. How can you create a ritual that makes you feel your loved one is close to you?

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11. GROW SOMETHING FROM YOUR LOSS Amazing things have grown from loss. We have songs like Eric Claptons Stairway to Heaven, books like C.S. Lewis A Grief Observed, the AIDs quilt that has a panel for every death related to the disease, organisations like Mothers against Drunk Driving and even law changes like Megans Law. Growing something from your loss allows you to process your loss in a different way. You start seeing your loss in a different light and this is the start of acceptance. Anything can grow from loss. From a new recipe to a short story to a garden. It doesnt have to be big. You just have to be passionate about it. Ask yourself today: How can I creatively express my loss? 12. FIND THE POSITIVE IN YOUR LOSS In any situation, no matter how bad it is, there is always something positive that comes from it. Dont confuse positive with happiness. Sometimes that best changes are the ones that dont initially bring happiness. It also doesnt mean ignoring the negative aspects but instead choosing to focus on the hope and opportunity available. Its all about perspective. Research shows being able to find the positive in every situation helps you be happier, healthier and live longer. Take time today to reflect about your loss. How have you grown since then? What new skills have you had to learn or are learning? What did the person you lost teach you about life? How did they make you a better person?

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I hope that youve found these tips useful and that they help you transform your grief, live fully and thrive loss. If youve found them helpful why dont you pass them onto to someone else who might benefit from them? Its a great way to show you care. There are also free videos on The 7 main misconceptions that can keep you stuck in grief as well as The number one question to ask yourself that lets you know if you are thriving loss that Ive done to help you further on my website if you havent already checked them out.

www.tabithajayne.com
A big hug, Tabitha Tabitha Jayne, Bsc (Hons), CPC Coach, Grief and Loss Transformation Founder, Transform Grief. Live Fully. Thrive Loss Creator, The Tree of Transformation

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