"Kiss me," said the young lady urgently. "Please kiss me.

" But the young man tur ned his head away, saying, "Of course not. How can I? I'm your own brother-in-la w. Hell, we shouldn't even be lying here making love." "That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lo st the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor. "You didn't do it, did you?" "I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!" A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he do es, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 4 36." A college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After a while, the girl s ays, "I wish you had a flashlight." He says, "Why's that?" She says, "Because yo u've been eating grass for fifteen minutes." Q. What's the definition of a virgin? A. An ugly third grader Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in, "Hey, Pop! What are you doin'?" His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank." Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that gets better mileage. The postman f illed her this morning." *ring* *ring* "Hello?" Hearing only heavy breathing on the line, the woman repea ted, "Hello?" "I'll bet you want me to come into your bedroom," a male voice whi spered huskily, "...undress you, lick you from head to toe and make love to you until morning." "Geez," the woman replied, "you can tell all that from two hello 's?" A guy rings work and says "I can`t come in to work today as I`m sick" The voice at the other end asks "How sick are you ??" The guy says "Well I`m in bed with m y 12 year old son !!" Why do they put strings on tampons? So you can floss after you eat! Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? Just when it's getting interesting they are finished until next time... A middle aged couple is watching TVwhen an evangelist comes on and promises to h eal the sick. The evangelist says, ;Pray withme, placing your right hand in the air and your left hand on theafflicted area.; So the man places his right hand i nthe air and his left hand on his crotch. His wife says,;Honey, he saidheal the sick, not raise the dead.

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end? A. So men can be open minded. Q. How does a guy know if he has a high spermcount? A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows. Q. What'sthe biggest fish in the world? A. A whore, if you catch one you can eat her formonths. Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers? A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers? A. Well-hung. Q. Why don't men fake orgasm? A. Because no man would pull those faces on purpose. Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A. They don't have balls to scratch. Q. What's the ultimate rejection? A. Whenyou're masturbating and your hand falls asleep So one sperm says to the other "When do we get to the ovaries?" The other replie s "Ovaries! We're not even past the throat yet!" What's the best thing about a blow job? - The 15 minutes of silence! A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife about the problem. She responds, "My husband suffers from prematu re ejaculation." The counselor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?" The husband replies "Well not exactly, she's the one that suffers, not me." This guy was walking down a street in Texas and this hooker says, "Say, wanna ha ve a good time? We do things in a big way down here in Texas." "Sure," he says a nd they were off to the nearest motel. She takes off her clothes and he keeps st aring at her. She says, "Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?" The guy says, "No, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl bac k into." What is the most insensitive part of a penis? - The man A little girl goes into the toilet and sees her dad having a shower. It's at tha t moment she spots his penis. Pointing at it she says..... "Daddy, daddy, when w ill I get one of those?" The dad looks at the little girl, looks out the door, l ooks back at the little girl and winks.... "When your mommy goes to the mall!"

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy, "what is it?" Well, its when you get your girlfriend down on all fours, and you mount her from behind. You then reac h around and cup each one of her breasts in of your hands and then you whisper i n her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's" and then you try to hold on for 8 seconds. How can you tell when your girlfriend's horny? You stick your hands in her panti es and it feels like you feeding a horse. Q. How do you piss your girlfriend of when your having sex? A. Call her up Q. How long does it take for a woman to orgasm? A. Who cares? Mary went to Jill's place to tell her about a horrible experience she'd had the previous night with this bloke she brought home. "Well, what happened when you g ot there?" Jill asked "The bastard called me a slut!" Mary said. "And what did y ou do then?" Jill asked, shocked. "I told him to get the fuck out of my bedroom and take his eight mates with him!" Mary said. Q: What's the worst thing about being a paedophile? A: Having to go to bed so ea rly! After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took $300 ou t of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table. "Thanks," she said. "But I only charge $20." "Twenty bucks for the entire night?" the amazed MP replied. "Y ou can't make a living on that." "Oh, don't worry," the whore replied. "I do a l ittle blackmail on the side!" Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit her gra ndmother, when suddenly The Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree."Ah-ha... .," The Big Bad Wolf said, "Now I've got you and I'm going to eat you! EAT! EAT! EAT!..." Little Red Riding Hood said angrily, "Damn it, doesn't anybody fuck an ymore?" A beautiful young woman marries this seventy year old bloke for his money. On th eir wedding night she joyfully jumps into bed and he holds up five fingers. "Oh darling!" she squeals with delight, Does that mean five times?" "No", says the o ld fellow, "it means that you can pick one out." Q. How do you know when your girlfriend is on anabolic steroids? A. When she flips you over, holds you down and fucks you .up the arse with her cli toris. Q. What does a camera and a condom have in common? A. They both capture that magic moment.

A woman went to a podiatrist complaining that her feet always hurt. He immediate ly noticed that she was extremely bowlegged. "Have you always been that way?" as ked the podiatrist."No," she said, not until recently. "I've been fucking a lot doggie style." "Well," said the podiatrist, "you are going to have to stop." - " I can't," she replied, "that's the only way my German Shepherd fucks." Q. What was the First Commandment? A. "Adam, eat my pussy." Q: Why is having a wank like eating McDonald's? A: Because it's always exactly t he same and afterwards you .swear you'll never do it again. Two bikers were talking at a bar. "How's married life?" asks the first. "It's fi ne," says the second. "How's the sex?" asks the first. "Fine," says the second, "At least I don't have to wait in line!" Q: Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life? A: Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything. Q: How can you tell if your date really digs oral sex?A: She hikes up her skirt every time you yawn. Q: What do jello and a woman have in common?A: They both wiggle when you eat the m. Q: What came first, the chicken or the egg? A: I'd have to say it was the rooste r! Q: What's the difference between Love, True Love and showing off? A: Spit, swall ow and gargle. Two men are discussing the age old question: who enjoys sex more, the man or the woman? A woman walks by and listens in for awhile and then interrupts: "Listen you guys. You know when your ear itches and you put in your little finger and wi ggle it around for awhile? Afterward, which feels better, your finger or your ea r?" A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.When she undre ssed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair. The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there." The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck? " A young man comes to a doctor and says: "Doctor, my ass has a hole in it." The d

octor replys, "Well its quiet natural, lets have a look at it." So the young man takes off his pants and bends over. "Oh God ! Holy Shit ! " the doctor screams "You have a 10 inch hole in your ass !" - Yes - the young man replied - I've bee n raped by the elephant" - Hmm...the doctor said...I always thought elephants ha ve very long but thin penise" - Yes, the young man said - but this one fingered me first. Q: why dont women pee first thing in the morning. A: ever try to peel apart a gr illed cheese. Q: whats the best part about having sex in the shower with a 13 year old. A: whe n u slick her hair back she looks 9.

What is green and eats nuts? Herpes! What do you call foreplay in Alabama? 'Hey sis, you awake?' When you go to the hospital how do you find the head nurse? Look for the nurse w ith dirty knees and swollen lips! The pro quarterback was petitioning the court to have his recent marriage annull ed. "On what grounds ?" questioned the Judge, "This court does not take annulmen ts lightly." "Non-virginity," replied the quarterback, "When I married her, I th ought I was getting a tight end, but instead, I found that I had married a wide receiver." A young girl comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita j ust told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingie s?" "Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come u p and she wouldn't have to explain it."But then when I have a baby, won't it kno ck my teeth out?" This exchange was overheard between the separated sections of the jail. A male v oice yells over to the female side: "I got 12 inches over here you would love to have." The female response was: "Well, spit it out it isn't yours." Q.Why was Raggedy Ann thrown out of the toy store? A. She was caught sitting on Pinocchio's face and shouting "Lie lie lie!" A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant.To his dismay, she ordered a lmost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the w orks. Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?" "No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either." I think my wife is getting a little nearsighted. I woke up this morning, she was sucking on the bedpost.

This girl I know told me she was so horny her own tongue's starting to feel good in her mouth. A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is using the wrong grip. After several failed attempts to correct her, he finally says "O K,, just grip it like you do your husband's member". After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the line. The instructor says, "Wow that's great. Now just try taking the racquet ou t of your mouth." What does pizza delivery man and a gynaecologist have in common? Both can smell it but can't eat it My girlfriend told me to give her 12 inches and make it hurt!..................S o I Fucked her 3 times and then hit her with a baseball bat. At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No." A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?" "I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?" One Friday afternoon two women are sitting on the front porch. The first woman s ays, "Here comes my husband with a bunch of flowers. That means I'll be on my ba ck with my legs in the air all weekend." The other woman asks, "Why, don't you h ave a vase?" Why did the pervert cross the road? He had his dick stuck in the chicken. Did you hear about the guy who died of Viagra overdose? They couldn't close his casket. Q. How long does it take for a woman to orgasm? A. Who cares? Q. What part of a woman does a man like looking at best? A. The top of her head. Q. What's the most active muscle in a woman? A. The penis. Q. What's the worst thing about being a paedophile? A. Having to go to bed so early!