LIFE INC.

(WORKING TITLE)

Written by Andy Graves

FIRST DRAFT

INT. CLIVES BEDROOM - NIGHT. CLIVE is sitting on his bed watching a clock tick. He is motionless for a moment. He lifts a gun to his mouth, winces and pulls the trigger. BANG! CUT TO BLACK TITLE CARD: LIFE INC. INT. ST. PETERS OFFICE - DAY. In a typical Earthly, cluttered office, Clive is now opposite PETER at a desk. Peter wears a white suit, glasses and a neat side parting. He is smiling gingerly. PETER Alright? Clive staggers into the back of his seat in shock. Seemingly oblivious to this, Peter SLURPS a swig of tea from a mug and audibly approves of its taste. PETER (CONTD) Right then, lets get started shall we? Clive is struggling to compute his surroundings. Peter begins reading from a clipboard. PETER (CONTD) Clive Henry Thompson. 31 years-old. Cause of death. Oof, suicide. Oh dear. CLIVE Sorry? PETER (ignoring Clive) Oh and it says ere you were an atheist. Kicking yourself now arent ya? CLIVE What? PETER (smugly) A prayer a day, thats all it took and now youre going to hell. Clive is barely paying attention, there is a pause.

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CLIVE Right- Where am I? PETER Oh yeah, introduction. Er. Peter rifles through his papers, clears his throat and then begins reading from a script. PETER (CONTD) Welcome to the Department of Existence and Determinism; the bureaucratic home of all earthly decision and control. - Or Limbo to you. - Here you will be accordingly allocated your eternal resting place based on your deeds, both good and bad. I am Senior St. Peter and I shall be processing your application today. - Although as you are a suicide case you will of course be going straight to hell coz youre not actually supposed to do that. (pointing up) Atheist or not, he dont like that. Clive is slowly composing himself. CLIVE Right. Right I get it. This is the afterlife and youre St. PeterPETER (cutting in and pointing at his badge) -Senior St. Peter. CLIVE Naturally. Youre Senior St. Peter and this is my judgement day. PETER (smiling) Yeah. CLIVE Well I must say people have tried to convert me before but this is impressive. PETER Aah, youre in denial. Ive dealt with this before, Im used to it. You suicide cases are known for kicking off a bit.

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CLIVE Are we? PETER Yep but youre not the worst lot that come through ere. CLIVE Really? Who is? PETER The virgins. Virgins are worst. They are horrendous. CLIVE Course they are. PETER Yep. Lot of regret there, lot of regret. They are one bitter group of people. Peter begins filling out a form. Clive shakes his head in disbelief and begins to scan the room for a way out. CLIVE (getting up) Right well as I say this is all very impressive but Ive got to go. Clive walks towards the door. PETER Where ya going? You cant go through there. (pointing up) He wont like that, youre not allowed through there. CLIVE Im sure hell get over it. PETER (smiling) You wont get anywhere. Clive opens the door and crosses the threshold, he ends up in the same office as he started. As Peter looks on and chuckles, Clive attempts to leave twice more before giving up. The confusion returns to his face. PETER (CONTD) Ya see? This is the real deal mate, if you think about it, the last thing you remember is blowing your own ead off. So come sit down and well get these forms filled out.

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Clive slowly returns to his seat and begins to realise where he is. Peter is fiddling with the papers on his desk. PETER (CONTD) Now Im sorry to be the bearer of bad news but if you werent such a... Peter looks up and sees the new expression on Clives face. PETER (CONTD) ...such a - sinner. Peter scans around the top of his desk. PETER (CONTD) Aww, glass of water, Im supposed to - are ya thirsty? You look thirsty er... Peter holds down a button and speaks into an intercom. PETER (CONTD) Gabriel? Gabriel mate... A beat. Peters eyes look over at Clive and then back at the intercom. GABRIEL (O.S.) Yep? PETER (to Clive) Its Gabriel. (to intercom) Could you fetch us up a glass of water please? Another beat. GABRIEL (O.S.) Yep. PETER Cheers mate. Thanks. Cheers. (to Clive) Hell sort that out for ya. Clive sighs. Peter is unsure how to continue. PETER (CONTD) Look, dont worry mate, youre a suicide case so before we send you down there you get to stay for a little bit while we ave someone evaluate your mind and stuff. That sounds alright dont it? Eh?

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CLIVE Great yeah. Psychoanalysis prior to my eternity with the devil. PETER (hesitantly) Yeah. But I would just say, you cant say devil anymore, he prefers Satan so... GABRIEL, a large, hairy man in an adult diaper and false fairy wings comes through the door carrying a glass of water. Clive immediately spots him. CLIVE (pointing at Gabriel) How can he-? PETER (cutting in) Hes allowed. Clive reacts. Gabriel approaches the desk and plops the glass down beside Peter who then slides it over to Clive. Gabriel then grunts and leaves the room. PETER (CONTD) Cheers mate. Shut the door- thats it, thanks. (beat) (to Clive) Thinks es a cherub... es not. Doing us all a disservice with is dress sense as well. Peter looks down and fingers his tie then sighs. Clive reacts. CLIVE Can we just get on with it please. PETER Yep, yep, Ill sort it all. Peter begins ticking off boxes on the forms on his clipboard, verbally stating the yes and no answers. A beat. CLIVE So hang on, the Bible, is that-? PETER Most of it yeah. CLIVE What Jesus and all that?

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PETER Yep. CLIVE Walking on water, healing the sick, coming back to life? PETER (still focused on the forms) Yep. Yep. Yep. A beat. CLIVE What about Noahs Ark? Peter looks up from the forms. PETER (sudden) That was blown out of proportion. Some lunatic tries to take is travelling circus over seas and they put it in the bloody book. (shakes head) Peter returns to the forms. Clive is now getting a little joy out of these questions. CLIVE Ok then. Immaculate conception. PETER e used a turkey baster. CLIVE Ugh! Really? PETER (clenching fist) Did e bollocks, e shagged er like a rag doll. CLIVE (slight chuckle) Come on then. Evolution. PETER I wouldnt mention that rubbish if I were you mate. (pointing up) Most folk that piss of the big man go down to hell. Darwin, as we speak is still in is office. Calls im the human stress ball.

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CLIVE Jesus. - Sorry! - What about the big bang theory? PETER Why dya think Stephen Hawkings in a wheel chair? - Right if I can just get you to sign there mate its justHe hands the clipboard to Clive. CLIVE Whats this? PETER Its just to say you definitely terminated your services with us voluntarily. You know... Peter mimes slitting his own throat. PETER (CONT'D) took your own life and that. CLIVE Oh alright. Clive signs the form and hands it back to Peter. PETER Cheers, cheers. Salways a shame when this appens - although not in your case I see - didnt spot this says ere you only ad a few years before you were gonna be in a train bombing anyway, so, got outta that one didnt ya? CLIVE (in disbelief) Brilliant. PETER Yeah, sorry. (pointing up) Funny ways you know, sick sense of umour that bloke. CLIVE Why do you keep pointing up? PETER Es on the top floor. CLIVE Right.

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PETER (getting up) Well. Thats me all done. Clive also gets up. They both walk towards the door. PETER (CONTD) Ill be taking you through to ave a chat with Claudia now. (pointing to his head) Shes gonna sort out your... issues ya know. Then youll be on your way. Clive sighs in exhaustion. PETER (CONTD) Youll be fine mate. Youre calm, thats good, shell like that. They both exit through the door. INT. CLAUDIAS OFFICE - SAME TIME Peter and Clive enter a more comfortable room with a desk and a couch. CLAUDIA, a smartly dressed woman in spectacles stands to greet the two. PETER Clauders! Peter dives in with his arm and grabs Claudia by her hand which he then kisses. Clive sits himself on the couch. CLAUDIA Now come on Peter, dont be silly. PETER Aah, you know what Im like. Peter mimes claws with his hands and acts like a tiger. Claudia smiles and shakes her head. Peter then moves back over to Clive who is watching in disbelief and puts his arm around him. PETER (CONTD) Got another one for ya. A suicidey. Mr. Clive Henry Thompson, in the flesh. Well, as good as. (to Clive) Im gonna leave you in this capable lady's hands. Watch it though, shes a feisty one. Peter mimes the tiger again. Claudia responds with a halfhearted mime of her own.

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PETER (CONTD) Nah, youre gonna love er. Now, as I probably wont see you again mate, Ill say goodbye and good luck with hell and er... Go get em tiger. Clive is taken aback by this remark, he clears he throat before speaking. CLIVE Th-Thankyou Peter. Cheers. PETER (nodding) Yep. Peter leaves the room. Claudia sits back down at her desk. CLIVE Go get em tiger? CLAUDIA Over four thousand years and he still struggles with the goodbyes. Sending a man to hell isnt easy. It takes its toll. CLIVE I imagine it does. Hes not the one actually going down there though is he? Claudia takes a large binding of paper form her desk and begins to flick through the pages. CLAUDIA Im not concerned with that Mr. Thompson. I want to talk about why you felt the need to take your own life. CLIVE I dont particularly. CLAUDIA You were clearly an unhappy man. No wife or girlfriend, no children, no job satisfaction, not many friends... CLIVE (cutting in) Sorry, how does this help me?

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CLAUDIA To understand and overcome your problems we need to get to the root of them. CLIVE Its a bit late for that isnt it. Claudia is still reading from her papers. CLAUDIA Now often, these things can be cemented in childhood but it looks to me like you had a pretty good one so I can only assume you made a mistake later on in life. CLIVE Hang on, I had a good childhood and I made a mistake? CLAUDIA Well yes, you were a mess of man thats no doubt but I certainly wont have the blame placed on the company for that. Looking through your files there were many opportunities given to you that you threw away. Claudia removes a piece of paper from her file and passes it to Clive. The header reads, QUALITY OF EXISTENCE INCREASE PERMISSION SLIP and across it stamped in red bold lettering is OPPORTUNITY DENIED. CLAUDIA (CONTD) On September 24th 2011 you were offered a promotion which you willingly turned down. She hands another form to him. Clive struggles to keep up with what shes talking about. CLAUDIA (CONTD) July 13th 2011 you had a date with a woman betrothed by God himself to marry you which you never showed up to. (another form) June 6th - the same year again you were tipped by an acquaintance on a horse race but you refused to place the bet. It would have made you very rich. - I could go on.

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CLIVE What is this? - Right, first off that job was a hell of a lot more work for not that much more pay. I was ill on the night of the date, I did call her but she never got back to me and as for the bet I... I dont gamble anymore. CLAUDIA Then youve done yourself no favours Mr. Thompson. CLIVE (annoyed) You said I had a good childhood. I seem to recall falling from a tree and breaking my back. That ruined my life, I wanted to be a police officer. Claudia suddenly frantically flicks through her papers. CLAUDIA I knew this would come up, I prepared especially for it. Ah, here it is. (reading down the page) Yes, your mother said to you on that day - and I quote - Dont climb that tree, ya bugger, youll hurt yourself. Thats devine intervention. CLIVE Devi-? It was fucking devine alright, I was lucky not to spend the rest of my days in a wheel chair! Claudia grabs a pen from her desk and begins scrawling down notes in a frenzy. CLAUDIA Lucky! I heard the word lucky. You said lucky. CLIVE What kind of therapy is this? I thought this was gonna be like counselling, youre talking like Ive tried to sue God or something. CLAUDIA (smirking) Oh you couldnt do that, you dont have a case for that.

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CLIVE Oh I cant sue God? CLAUDIA Nobody can, not with me around my dear. Clive reacts. CLAUDIA (CONTD) Now I understand you feel some anger towards the way you lived your life and how youve been judged up here. CLIVE (cutting in) Im a tad miffed yeah. CLAUDIA But that does not give you cause to blame anyone but yourself. Even if you did have a good excuse for your suicide, you failed to worship the Lord in any way at all so you will be going to hell. Clive gets up and approaches the door. CLIVE I dont need this, can you make the door work please. Just send me down there now. CLAUDIA If you wish to exit prematurely, thats fine but you should take this opportunity to overcome your problems. CLIVE No, youre no help and Im sure Ill have plenty of time to do that myself during the eternity I now have. CLAUDIA Then go through that door. CLIVE I will. He does.

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INT. ELEVATOR LOBBY - SAME TIME Clive finds himself in a large, noisy lobby with two elevators at the end. A queue of people are lined up in front of each elevator and are being allowed entrance by stewards checking their details. Other stewards usher people towards either the heaven or hell queue and in the centre of the room, Gabriel now stands as a bouncer in sunglasses. Clive evaluates the room in wonder and makes his way to the line for hell. The people surrounding him chat amongst themselves but Cive is in earshot of only one conversation between MAN 1 and MAN 2 - a couple of delinquents condemned to hell. MAN 1 Yeah, Im here for murder like. Multiple convictions and that. I dont even care, people fucked me over, I did what I had t. Worth it I reckon. MAN 2 Shit I never went that far, I mean I shanked a couple a pricks ya know but thats just easy aint it. Clive loses track of what he was listening to as a realisation hits him. He looks around a few times and then makes a switch to the line for heaven. He nervously awaits his turn before the STEWARD. STEWARD Welcome to Heaven sir, whom do I have the pleasure of inducting this evening? Clive is reading a list of names she has in her hand. CLIVE Erm, Im Scott, Scott Parker? The Steward scans her list for the name. CLAUDIA Im sorry sir, I see that name but it says you checked in 2 hours ago. Dont you remember? CLIVE Yeah, yeah. Check again, St. Peter said it should be ok. Suddenly Gabriel grabs Clives arm and proceeds to drag him back towards the hell queue.

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GABRIEL Come on, you wanna mess about, we got a place for ya. CLIVE No wait I am Scott Parker, theres been a mistake. Im Scott Parker. As Clive struggles with Gabriel, Peter enters the lobby and spots the scuffle. PETER Woah woah Gabriel! Its alright hes with me, Ill sort im. Come on Ill take im down. Gabriel throws Clive down to the floor and Peter helps him. People are now watching the commotion in silence. PETER (CONTD) Cheers Gabes. (to the crowd) Its alright, its sorted people. The silence is lifted as Peter escorts Clive to his designated elevator. PETER (CONTD) What were you thinking mate? You coulda been in a right mess there. Youre lucky I like ya so much. CLIVE Yeah? Well what was that shit in there with her? She wasnt much of therapist for me. Peter presses the button on the elevator and is not really listening. PETER Well, I wouldnt know about that mate I just fill out the forms dont I. CLIVE The forms yeah, you can do the yes or nos, you can help me. PETER You what? CLIVE (becoming hysterical) You can do something Peter, you dont have to send me to hell.

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PETER I cant... CLIVE You can! Just change the form, you can do that. You can do that eh? Mate? PETER Its not my decision, I could lose my job. CLIVE (more hysterics) Just- just say its not definite. Say I dont have to go now. Ill go back in the room with her. Anything. The lift arrives. PETER I cant do anything really, Im sorry. Clive grabs hold of Peter. Peter is concerned about the onlookers. CLIVE Please! Dont send me down. Dont send me to hell. PETER Clive the lifts here. CLIVE Please. PETER The lift is here you have to go in. CLIVE Come on Peter. PETER You have to get in the lift Clive. Peter is becoming irritated with Clive grabbing him. CLIVE Peter please. PETER I cant help ya mate. CLIVE Please. PLEASE!

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PETER NO! CLIVE! (pushing Clive away) THE LIFT IS HERE YOU HAVE TO GO NCUT TO BLACK

THE END