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CONSTANTINE
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GWEDER MYRAS 07766181041

The Monthly Newspaper/Magazine of Constantine Church Town, Cornwall

Delivered Free To More Than Six Hundred Households

When
This
a
Comes
Child
To
is
Pass
Born
Goodwill, Happiness, Friends, Health.
Better than Booze, Drugs or Wealth.
In This Issue:- Page 9. Salon 72 All items for inclusion to be reproduced without prior
Page 10. Snippets be sent to, The Editor, The permission.
Page 2, The West Briton Page 10. Constentenors Tolmen Centre, Fore Street,
Page 3. Parish Council Page 11. Everyone a winner TR11 5AA. Anonymous items will be
Page 4. Water & Sewage Page 11. Lost for Words ignored.
Page 5. Talk & Taste Day Page 12. Casual & Ritz All letters represent the views
Page 6. What’s On of the writers alone. Printed and published by the
Page 7. What’s on Once again this farrago of C.E.C.
Page 8. Driving Licences fact and fantasy arrives. Items in this paper may not
Vol. A.R.16
I write with regard to the article headlined ‘West
Briton Phooey’ in the November issue of the Constantine
newspaper Gweder Myras.
I fear there has been some confusion about the West Briton’s
policy in relation to the reception of council agendas and
I would therefore like the opportunity to correct some
misconceptions perpetrated in your article.
The West Briton cares very much about the Constantine
community and is keen to promote the village as much as
possible.
One of the ways we try and keep up to date with community
issues in all the villages we cover is to attend parish council
meetings or look over council minutes, as we cannot attend
every meeting.
With regards to Constantine we requested the minutes,
something we are legally entitled to receive, and the council
agreed to send them once approved at the following month’s
meeting.
This means that if there are ongoing issues, we can speak to
the various organisations or individuals involved and share
the stories with you.
We are pleased Constantine have agreed to send us the
minutes, albeit not until they have been officially approved
and we hope this letter is the start of a new 'entente cordiale'
and for our motives to be transparent to all.
As residents are the eyes and ears of the parish, you are
the best people to help us share information about what is
happening in your area with our readers.
To get more news and stories in the Falmouth and Penryn
West Briton we would like to hear from residents who
are interested in becoming a community correspondent.
What’s more we will pay you too – contrary to rumour!
If you think you could let us know about news, events or
issues from your village regularly you would be an ideal
correspondent.
We are looking for people who can submit stories, let us
know about photo opportunities and keep us informed
of what is happening in your village, from fetes and coffee
mornings, to planning issues, successes and campaigns.
For more information and to discuss contact Community
Editor Ginette Davies on 01326 312395, e-mail GDavies@
c-dm.co.uk or visit the office at 20 High Street, Falmouth.
Even if you do not want to become a fully-fledged
community correspondent, we would still be pleased to
discuss our news coverage with you and if you have stories
you wish to share not just with Constantine, but the wider
area please give the Falmouth office a call.
ANDY COOPER
Editor, West Briton
We welcome this missive from the West Briton and give
our wholehearted encouragement to anyone who wishes
2 December 2008
CONSTANTINE STORES
&
POST OFFICE
Fine Wines & Spirits a Speciality
the largest stock of whisky in
the west
TELEPHONE 01326 340226
WEBSITE w.w.w.drinkfinder.co.uk
to take up their offer of payment for articles used. Of
course the West Briton will expect you to negotiate the
rate of payment including expenses incurred in attending
reported functions.
§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
PARISH COUNCIL
During Public Question time the Council were
told that there is a link which connects to an on line petition
directed to the Prime Ministers Office against the money
wasting change of logo attempt by One Cornwall. The link
is http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/CornishLogo/.
The Council were thanked for their agreement and financial
backing for the Battery recycling tube. The matter of the
strange planning decision about Barrans was revisited and
the Councillors were told of a letter which states that the
decision is entirely lawful thus there is no appeal. Indeed,
the only redress one has is to show that the process itself
was bad in some detail or other. Councillors expressed deep
disgust and questioned the worth of local people trying to
protect their communities. “What?” they ask, “What is to
be the next similar application which now has a precedent
to follow?” Sic transit gloria.
Apologies for absence were heard and accepted and
the minutes were passed as a true copy after there was
clarification of the phrases, “Mountain Boarding” (like
snow boarding but no snow and the sort of thing that
has been happening in Fore Street for years) and “Granite
Public Lighting Posts” (Granite Posts with a curved metal
piece from which the old oil lamps used to hang).
There being no County or District Councillors
present there was no report of any district or county
activity.
Vol. A.R. 16 3 December 2008

December in memory of Amanda Dash.

SPIRAL CONSTRUCTION A quotation for the repair of chain link fencing was
accepted.
LTD., A local contractor will give a quotation for the
surfacing to enable disabled access to the Social Club.
The Council heard that there was some progress
Special Staircase Manufacturers with the young people of the village but will await the
Turning Ideas Into Reality report of the councillors (not then present) charged with
the liaison duties.
A report on the preservation of the Public Wells,
WATER MA TROUT Fountains and Granite Light Posts will be presented to the
HELSTON TR13 0LW next meeting.
TELEPHONE 01326 574497 Permission has been received for the extension of
FAX 01326 574760 the current car park and the Council sanctioned expenditure
E Mail enquiries@spiral.uk.com for an architect to draw up the plans and gain planning
consent.
The Christmas trees purchased by the Council will
be collected and delivered on December 5th and 6th.
PARISH COUNCIL(contd)

POLICE REPORT
In the absence of the Police (one on day shift and
the other on sick leave) a written report was submitted FOR SALE
which stated that since the last report there had been Ladies Bicycle as new. 15 inch frame.
two crimes. In the same period last year there had been 18 Gears. Many accessories.
three. The first of the two was the theft of a trailer from £95.00 o.n.o.
Bonallack Farm between 17th and 23rd October, said
trailer having been found the day after the theft (18th to
Contact Lynne Treloar 340518
24th) some distance away. The second was a forcible entry
of Constantine Surgery when the perpetrators had been
ACTIVITIES FOR YOUNG PEOPLE
disturbed and made off empty- handed in a dirty white
rusty Vauxhall style van. During Halloween there had
The Parish Council is organising activities for the 10-17
only been two incidents in all of the six districts the police
year olds of Constantine for the Christmas period.
cover and they voiced their appreciation of all those who
Street Dance
cooperated to keep the evening trouble free.
6.30pm to 8pm with a professional dance teacher
The Council were told of the Freedom of
10, 17 and 29 December at the Tolmen Centre
Information act which will come into force in January 2009
Make up /Make Over Skills
and to which all are bound.
6.30pm to 8pm with a Body Shop professional
Mention was made of an evening meeting arranged
9 December at the Tolmen Centre Vestry( some cosmetics
by One Cornwall – three Councillors will represent
will be on sale).
Constantine.
Watch out for the posters
One Cornwall are inviting Councils to submit
There will be a charge of £2 per session per person
schemes to be used as pilot projects for Councils taking over
County responsibilities in their own Parishes. Constantine
Enid Freman thanks all her friends and acquaintances who
already does this in a few areas and will make no suggestions
enquired, sent cards and visited her after her accident some
at this time.
weeks ago. Your kindness has been much appreciated.
The Council was informed of a draft document
setting out 12 core principles for Councils to use in
The Constantine Branch of the Royal British Legion
cooperating with each other. A Councillor volunteered to
thanks all those who supported us at the Coffee Morning
study the document and report back.
held in the Social Club in aid of the Poppy appeal. A total
The Council agreed to a request to permit a
of £381.51 was raised.
firework Display on the Recreation Ground on Friday 19th
Vol. A.R 16 4 December 2008

OF WATER AND SEWAGE AND OTHER cooked food) into usable compost in 10 to 14 days – try
THINGS www.wigglywrigglers.co.uk or ring 01981 500391. Finally
Nottingham University is looking at producing a small
Upon hearing that the man who has overseen Biomass Energy unit suitable for domestic use which will
our local sewage farm is to be replaced by a computer the put out 10 Kw of electrical energy from domestic waste.
Editor immediately despatched our Domestic, Energy, Finally our tame poet lorry-ate, hearing of the
Recycling & Environment Correspondent ( DEREC ) to computer replacement has put his tongue firmly in his
investigate. cheek and produced the following ode:-
Derec writes:-
Our local sewage farm in Worval Lane like most Robbie the Rubber Robot,
others has three end products. With a plunger for an arm
The first is an odourless, colourless, nitrate and Will shortly be patrolling
ammonia free liquid which is discharged into the river. It Our worval sewage farm.
is rendered harmless by being passed over and through His bright light will be flashing
filters where friendly bacteria gorge on the nasties and so From his rubber robot dome,
reproduce to carry on the good work. The regulations As he trundles here and there
about the discharge are very strict. The benign nature of On wheels of shining chrome.
this discharge is shown by the number of small trout alive His radio transmitter,
and well in the river below the sewage farm Untouched by human hand
The second product is a fertile sludge which, Will send out coded signals
every so often is carried away to a sludge treatment works Only robots understand.
where it is rendered harmless in a process involving From thence to a computer
bacteria and oxygen whence it is given away to farmers as Not a million miles away
fertilizer. However not every farmer is eligible to receive Which will, the robot’s message,
this product as regulations require that there be no chance Decode and then relay
whatever of the fertilizer getting into the water table. To Central Sewage Services
The third product is all the nasties that are left Who immediately will file
and which are buried in land-fill sites. South West Water The newest robot message
have a list which they call ‘The Dirty Dozen’ as follows:- At the bottom of a pile
1. Fat, oil and grease 7. Needles & syringes Of automatic warnings,
2. Commercial food waste. 8. Plastic bags In a tray marked clearly ‘IN’
3. Disposable nappies 9. Old clothes & rags Next to ‘AWAITING ACTION’
4. Domestic food waste 10 Cement & building Beyond ‘CONSIGN TO BIN’
material Whilst back at worval sewage farm
5. Sanitary products 11 Condoms Robbie trundles on
6. Plastic items (bottles, caps) 12 General household Happy that his message
waste. Has now completely gone.
So all one of us have a responsibility to keep these Bombardier Eli (Stumbles) Jarlsberg
items out of our sewage system not just because we may M. P. S. R. A., F. O. I. L. S.
be prosecuted under Section 111 of the Water Industry
Act for illegally discharging harmful waste into the sewer §§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
but because taking the disposal of harmful items into
our own hands reduces the burden on the waste disposal WHO’S WHERE?
services – who knows our rates may stand still.
What can we do? There is a pot on the market Entries for the next edition of Who’s Where? need to be
called the ‘Fat Trap’ which has an internal funnel so that with Liz Moore by 21st January 2009.
you can tip all your waste fat into it. Once full you can
seal it for disposal or you can mix nuts, fruit and seeds A modern idiom I deplore, is qualification before thanks,
in it to feed wild birds in your garden. Full details on like “wishes to” and “would like to”. Wherefore?
www.lessmess.co.uk or ring 01271817977. Then there is Well try this for size. Absolom would like to send thanks
BOKASHI a system that turns kitchen waste (including to a friend but he is not going to do so!
Vol AR 16 5 December 2008

SAT 24TH JAN 2009

Back for its Fourth Year

Constantine Heritage Collection

SATURDAY 24TH JANUARY 2009

Cornish Talk and Taste Day

10.30 am - 4.00 pm

0ODMDC
AX
SGD
(Q@MC

#@QC
7@MDRR@
#DDL@M
Cornish Food stalls - fish, bread, cheese.
Cornish Book stall.
Croust served all day.
Art exhibition by Cornish Artists,
‘Anna Beeching and Nina Ducker’.
Children’s storytelling in the Museum all day,
Brand new stories never heard before.
Craft workshops in the Museum all day.
‘Hevva’ Cornish dance group demonstration.
‘C Scape’ dance lessons for children (booking essential).
Helston School Jazz Orchestra Concert at 3.00 pm.
Food and Cookery demonstrations.
Vol AR 16 6 December 2008

W H A T‘ S O N
Sponsored by:- O T S. 6 seat Taxi. 29 & 53 seat Coaches. 12 & 16 seat Minibuses
Convenient, efficient and friendly local service. Telephone 01326 340703

CHRISTMAS WITH THE BAND CONSTANTINE M.V.C. (contd)

When:- Friday 5th December When:- Sunday 7th December

What:- Switching on the lights. Where:- Burras Chapel
Where:- Mawnan Smith What:- Annual Carol Service
Time:- 7.00 pm. Time:- 6.30 pm.

When:- Saturday 6th December

What:- Switching on the lights
Where:- Port Navas Village Hall When:- Friday 19th December
Time:- 6.00 pm to 7.00 pm Where:- Constantine Parish Church
What:- Annual Carol Service.
When:- Monday 15th December Time:- 7.00 pm.
What:- Carols round the village with the School
Time:- 7.00 pm start. CONSTANTINE AMBLERS

When:- Wednesday 17th December When:- Wednesday 10th December

What:- Carols by Candlelight Time:- 1.30 pm
Where:- Princess Pavilion Meet:- Car Park
With:- Gweek Silver Band & Nankersey M.V.C. Walk”- Trebarvah, Chegwidden, Brill.
Time:- 7.30 pm
CONSTANTINE W. I.
When:- Friday 19th December
What:- Church Carol Service December 4th C. F. W. I. Carol Service, St Mary’s Penzance.
Time:- 7.00 pm
December 5th Helford River group evening at
When:- Sunday 21st December Marks and Spencers.
What:- Carols by Candlelight
Where:- Princess Pavillion December 8th Christmas Dinner.
With:- Gweek Silver Band
Time:- 7.30 pm When:- Monday 12th January.
Where:- W. I. Hall
When:- Wednesday 24th December Subject:- ‘Beautiful you’
What:- Carols at Budock Vean Hotel. Speaker:- Debbie Gallagher - Waterside Skincare.
Competition:- Best beauty tip.
CONSTANTINE MALE VOICE CHOIR
PORT NAVAS VILLAGE HALL
When:- Tuesday 2nd December
When:- Saturday 6th December.
Where:- Constantine Parish Church
Time:- 6 pm to 7 pm
What:- Advent service
What:- Lighting of the Christmas Tree
Time:- 7. 00 pm
With:- Constantine Silver Band.
Get in the mood for Christmas with carols & mince pies.
When:- Saturday 6th December
Where:- Penwerris Church Falmouth
Now not a lot of people know this and them that do don’t
What:- Carols for Mission for Seamen
realise that they do, nor how important it is, nor how much
Time:- 7.00 pm
it matters - so for one and all the special secret is - extra
Vol AR16 7 December 2008

W H A T‘ S O N
CONSTANTINE ONE AND ALL CLUB Time:- 7.30 pm
Cost:- £8, Concessions £7, Children £4
When:- Monday December 8th The first adaptation of this novel in the U.K. It is
Where:- Constantine Social Club recommended as suitable for 12 yr olds and above.
Time:- 2.00 pm
Who:- Carrick Belles When:- Friday 12th & Saturday 13th December
Who:- Tolmen Theatre Company
When:- Monday 19th January What:- Behind You.
What:- Annual General Meeting Time:- 7.30 pm
(Subscriptions Please) Cost:- £6, Concessions £5, Children £4
With:- Harry Zaffari A second chance to see last April’s smash hit.

CONSTANTINE When:- Friday 9th January

COTTAGE GARDEN SOCIETY Time:- 7.00 pm
What:- Epiphany Concert.
When:- Saturday 13th December Who:- The combined talents of Constantine.
Where:- W. I. Hall. Cost:- £3
Time:- 7.30 pm
What:- Annual Party Night When:- Friday 16th January
Cost:- £2.50 Time:- 7.30 pm
Friends are welcome. What:- Poetry and Music
It will be appreciated if members will help by providing With:- Louis de Bernieres and
plates of savouries etc., and a raffle prize. Ilone Antonius Jones.
Rated ‘unmissable’ by Edinburgh Fringe critics.
When:- Thursday 8th January 2009 Cost:- £7, Concessions £6
Where:- W. I. Hall
Time:- 7.30 pm. Saturday 24th January - Talk & Taste day - see page 5
What:- Duchy College
“Activities at Rosewarne” HELFORD V. M. C. A.
Speaker:- Bill Herring
Cost:- £1.00 When:- Saturday 6th December
Where:- Gweek Village Hall
THE TOLMEN CENTRE Time:- 7.30 pm
What:- Seahorses: The Enigmatic Fish
When:- Thursday 4th & Friday 5th December Who:- Neil Garrick-Maidment
Who:- Miracle Theatre Company Cost:- £2 - Members & children free.
What:- Cats Cradle - based on the novel by Contact:- Pamela 01209842316, or Jenna 01326572995
Kurt Vonnegut. or Martin 01326561592.
Vol AR 16
Motorists face £1,000 fines as thousands of
photocard driving licences expire
Thousands of motorists risk being fined up to £1,000
because they are unwittingly driving without a valid licence.
This is as a result of the extremely small print on their
photocard licence which says it automatically expires after 10
years and has to be renewed - even though drivers are licensed
to drive until the age of 70.
This has come to light 10 years after the first batch of
photo licences was issued in July 1998, as they expire.
Motoring organisations blamed the DVLA and said
‘most’ drivers believed their licences were for life. They said
officials had failed to publicise sufficiently the fact that new-
style licences - unlike the old paper ones - expire after a set
period and have to be renewed. To rub salt into wounds,
drivers will have to a pay £17.50 to renew their card - a charge
which critics have condemned as a ‘stealth tax’ and which will
earn the Treasury an estimated £437 million over 25 years.
Official DVLA figures reveal that while 16,136
photocard licenses expired this summer, so far only 11,566
drivers have renewed, leaving 4,570 outstanding. With
another 300,000 due to expire over the coming year, the
number of invalid licences may soar, putting thousands more
drivers in breach of the law and at risk of a fine.
At the heart of the confusion is the small print on
the tiny credit-card-size photo licence, which is used in
conjunction with the paper version. Just below the driver
name on the front of the photocard licence is a series of dates
and details - each one numbered. Number 4b features a
date in tiny writing, but no explicit explanation as to what it
means. The date’s significance is only explained if the driver
turns over the card and reads the key on the back which states
that ‘4b’ means ‘licence valid to’. Even more confusingly, an
adjacent table on the rear of the card sets out how long the
driver is registered to hold a licence - that is until his or her
70th birthday.
25 million new-style licences have been issued.
Before photocard licences were introduced, old-style
paper licences were valid until the age of 70. Many motorists
still believe this to be the case with the new ones.
Motorists who fail to renew their licences in time are
allowed to continue driving. But the DVLA says they could
be charged with ‘failing to surrender their licence’, an offence
carrying a £1,000 fine.
AA president, Edmund King said, ‘It is not generally
known that photocard licences expire; there appears to be
a lack of information that people will have to renew these
licences. People think they have already paid for them once
over and that is it. It will come as a surprise to motorists and
a shock that they have to pay an extra £17.50.’ The AA called
on the Government to use the annual £450 million from
8 December 2008
traffic enforcement fines to offset the renewal charge.
The DVLA said the date of expiry was carried on the
new-style licences, even though the AA says this is ‘not clear’.
The Agency was unable to say whether motorists were told
the date of expiry when licences were first issued. It said it was
issuing postal reminders to drivers whose photocard was due
to expire, to get the renewal message across. But a spokesman
admitted this was the limit of the DVLA’s publicity.
Experts say drivers will slip through the net because
DVLA records are inaccurate and many motorists have
changed address, making it impossible to trace them.
A DVLA spokesman said, ‘Previous experience
has shown that wide-scale publicity is less effective and can
generate enquiries and concerns from those not affected.
Instead, DVLA focussed on targeted publicity to ensure that
we got the message to the right person at the right time.’
The Driving Standards Agency is allowing L-test
candidates with out-of-date photocard licences to sit their
driving tests as long as they provide a valid passport. This
concession will end in January next year, raising the prospect
that some L-test candidates will be turned away.
COMMENT:-
Well, what a pretty kettle of fish, if you can have a
‘pretty’ kettle of fish?
Let us look closely at the DVLA response to what is
and will be an ongoing problem.
1. Having found, through a shortfall in renewals that the
original issue of photocards carried ambiguous information,
they have responded by informing those they know to be
coming up to renewal date.
2. They have not, it seems, changed the wording or
information nor have they issued knowledge of the situation
to the public at large.
3. Their reasons for restricting the information to a
select few is that to do otherwise would cause the DVLA a
great deal of work and money.
4. Their increased income from these renewals will run
at about £16.28 million per annum which they are loath to
spend on a proper campaign to alert all licence holders.
5. Once more you and I are as dust before the wheels
of the Juggernaut of the DVLA They are never wrong and if
you have irrefutable proof that they have made a mistake you
are in the wrong for having proved it.
§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
Saying of the Day
The whereabouts of thereabouts is somewhere near, I fear, to
hereabouts.
Vol/ A.R. 16 9 December 2008

SALON
72
72 FORE STREET
CONSTANTINE
Ladies, Gentlemens and
Childrens Hairdressing

CUTS, PERMS, COLOURS

AND FOILS ALL AT VERY
ECONOMIC PRICES.

OPEN FROM
TUESDAY - FRIDAY
TELEPHONE FOR AN
APPOINTMENT WITH
AMANDA OR CLAIRE
01326 341399
Vol. A.R. 16
SNIPPETS
GRAFFITI
Suddenly appearing on the side wall of what used
to be Beth & Bill Hockings house in pale green a message
which we suppose was meant to be X MARKS THE
SPOT – but the unhappy graffito artist seems to have
some confusion about the letters of the alphabet since it
actually reads X MARKS THE SROT. A srot of study
of reas and queues and some srit and rolish uron their
rrinting might imrrove the writing on the wall.
TELEPHONE KIOSK
On Monday 12th November the only remaining
Public Telephone Box in the village was removed by the
proper authorities after having outlived its usefulness.
Local residents who say that they thought it might leave a
gap have instead been pleasantly surprised and are enjoying
the view that is left.
AS ONE DOOR OPENS ANOTHER ONE
SHUTS.
Paying a visit to the Save the Children Charity
Shop it was noticeable how neat and tidy it was looking.
A remark to that effect produced the information that the
shop had gained the vegetable rack that once sat in Mike
Hodges shop. And there it is, fitting like a glove and for all
the world as if it had been built to occupy the exact space
in which it stands. Recycling working at its best.
BURGULARY
On Tuesday 11th November the peace and
tranquillity of Bowling Green was shattered by the
sound of breaking glass as a chunk of granite measuring
12 inches by 4 inches by 2 inches ( 30 cms by 10 cms by
5cms) was hurled through the window of the waiting area
at Constantine Surgery. The culprit (or culprits) entered
10 December 2008
the premises with what seems to have been an intention to
enter the dispensary. In this they were not successful since
they were disturbed and fled making their getaway in what
was described as a dirty white, old-style, vauxhall-type,
rusty van. The police were alerted and took away samples
of blood from the wall of passage in the surgery. Entering
premises through broken windows always poses the risk
of being injured, even if television and films paint a rosy
picture of breaking glass being benign, and show those who
throw themselves through windows, glass doors and the
like emerging unruffled. Perhaps these would be thieves
were stupid enough to believe the fantasy world of T.V
advertisements. The police are investigation and we await
their progress with interest.
C0NSTENTENORS
By Ronnie Rashleigh
Phyllis Moyle nee Tonkin 18/7/1923 - 6/11/2008
Phyllis was born at Brilleigh and later went to live
with her Gran at 2 Trebarvah Cottages. She went to the
Girls School and left aged 14 to work at Trewardreva House
for the Fox family. Then the War came and she worked
on the land at Bonallack. She met and married Foster
Moyle who was in the Merchant Navy. They had three
girls and one boy Danny who later joined the Navy. They
lived at Penbothidno for many years. She was a member
of Joyce Paynes Choir. When Foster died she stayed here
for several years then went to Park-Vro home at Mawgan.
Ella always had a Christmas Card from her. Her Funeral
was at Constantine Church on 15th November when the
following poem was read by her grandson Christopher
Prynn.
CONSTANTINE
Those long ago days when I lived in the West
Away from the city, the noise and the heat
Into the village that lies on the hill
Making friends that are living there still.
I remember the walks in the woods of Bosahan
When the bluebells were ringing summer again,
Across the fields and down to Scots Quay
The picnic, and the swims in the sea.
Despite the worry and fear of the war
Quarrying, Farming went on as before.
Into the Queens Arms of an evening we gather
For darts, singing and plenty of blather.
The years have flown by and many to rest
In that Cornish Village down in the West.
Vol. A.R.16
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(CORNWALL ) LTD.
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EVERY ONE A WINNER
By Carolyn Reynolds.
The recent “Stars in Their Eyes” at the Tolmen
Centre was a roaring success. The evening started with
the magnificent soaring voice of Kate Thompson adding
lustre to her ‘Kate Bush’ followed by Dai Jones on excellent
form as Billy Connolly then Tracey Clowes as a convincing
Petula Clarke singing ‘Downtown.’ Alison Churchley and
Richard Shearsby were Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers and
we, being aware of Dolly’s voice and décolletage, were not
disappointed in any department. With perfect diction and
period costume Allie gave us the late great Joyce Grenfell.
In sharp contrast Sonia Sara, ‘The Princess of Penbothidno’
was a hilarious (Like a Virgin) Madonna. Paul Ryan
adopted the character of Elton John; boots, glittery glasses
and all, and played the keyboard versions of ‘Yellow Brick
Road’ and ‘Crocodile Rock’. Tim Churchley and Cambus
Agdam were convincingly nonchalant and attitude riven
as OASIS. In complete contrast Robert and Clive Sara
portrayed Harry Belafonte and Odetta investigating a hole
in their bucket. Jane Trethowan swapped her familiar
riding habit for a slinky black sequinned number and was
ever the sophisticate as Dido. Sue Hatton “Wished She
Had Looked After Her Teeth” in true Pam Ayers fashion
adding insights into life with a councillor. The final act
was Ollie Grant as Cliff Richard and soon we were all
singing along to ‘Living Doll’, swaying and clapping hands.
The comperes, Aline Turner and Colin Grey, must have
worked hard to give their planned chaos polish and style.
Then there was the Stage Manager, Tracy Rickard, whose
nonchalance and studied distain for all the ‘Stars’ had us in
stitches.The technical crew and the front of house crew ran
like clockwork. The evening ended with an encore from
the winners, “Kenny and Dolly”. ‘Elton John’ was voted the
best ‘look alike’ but everyone who had a go was a winner.
Jude Trevelyan was moved to pen the following ode.
11 December 2008
Katie sang of Heathcliffe & their stupid row.
Billy shouted “Gert yer room tidied .. now”.
Petula all dressed up went “Down Town”.
“Henry - don’t do that” ( Joyce with a frown).
Kenny & Dolly had us stomping the floor,
As for Madonna - well- say no more!
Elton was a dead ringer.
Oasis gave us the finger.
Harry Belafonte found he had a hole.
Dido, with feeling, laid bare her soul
Cliff ’s living doll we’d all like to be
But dear Pam is the one we’d take home to tea.
§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
LOST FOR WORDS
The party held to show the esteem and affection in
which Mike Hodges is held was planned by a small group
of people working within the confines of secrecy and the
numbers allowed by Fire Regulations. Apologies to those
who were inadvertently omitted from the invitation list.
Picture the scene. The Tolmen Centre packed to
the rafters. The Male Voice Choir have just finished singing
and are seated. The M.C. says:-
“Ladies and Gentlemen there is only one person in this
village whose name could produce this number of people to
say thank you for his forty years as a butcher. MICHAEL
HODGES - This is your Party”.
Thunderous applause - people standing, clapping
whistling, shouting - Michael, absolutely dumbfounded
and, for the first time in his life - lost for words.
When after 5 minutes or so the clapping subsided
apologies were read from those unable to attend and a bunch
of flowers was presented to Caroline - Mike’s wife. Liz
Moore told us that over the past years Mike has steadfastly
supported every show, periodical and newsletter with his
advertisements in programmes for the numerous events in
the village. Mollie Silver read a poem which encapsulated
how we all feel about him (To be included in the next
issue). Robert Sara offered two rubber chickens which were
rejected but then produced two live turkeys (aka Sonia Sara
and Rosemary Yates in wonderful costumes). Constanza
paid their tribute with three beautiful ‘A Capella’ numbers.
Whereupon the assembled multitude repaired downstairs
and jollities continued unabated including a superb cake,
topped with a butcher and his produce, from Sonia Sara.
A collection brought £141.80p for the MacMillan Fund.
Thanks go to, alphabetically, Carol Agnew, Richard &
Tracey Clowes, Judy Ford, Betty Hodges, Liz Moore and
me and the other Tolmen Volunteers.
Vol A.R. 16 12 December 2008

side down for having asked to try ‘This yer black coffee’
said in a loud voice when it arrived. “Where’s the blxxdy
milk then?” Tired but happy the team returned to England
pretty well bankrupt only to find that a kindly broker,
playing the market with their remaining funds, had netted
them a small fortune. Even now they are planning their
New Year Celebrations. Watch out Australia.
On a sadder note, four of the team, having reached
the age of eighty are leaving to join the All Cornwall
Octogenarians Trampolining Team. Fierce competition
has taken place for the four vacancies caused and the
idea of introducing a South Sea Islander to the team was
roundly condemned.

§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§

THE CONSTANTINE RITZ

( Dormant )

C. A. S. U. A. L. It is with undisguised relief, mingled with a

(formerly the over 70s leap frog team) feeling of apprehension, that we are able to announce that
Sidney ( the one-armed projectionist) and his girl friend/
After many years of carefully investing the partner and helpmate, Esmeranda, have reappeared in the
moneys accumulated from their long winning streaks in living quarters ( immobile mobile home ) situated in the
grounds of the one-time Cinema, The Constantine Ritz.
the past seventeen years a new spirit is abroad in the club.
Both look tanned and relaxed and Sidney’s tales of their
With Christmas fast approaching and hitherto safe fiscal
holiday in Ecuador, bearing an uncanny resemblance to
havens showing signs of creaking at the seams C. A. S. U.
an Indiana Jones film, were only revealed for the peddled
A. L. have decided that a good time now is preferable to
seeing their hard earned gelt swallowed up in the maw inaccuracies they were when a loud crack followed by a
sizzling noise and a screech from Esmeranda brought to
of an uncertain market. Their decision to make their first
stop the Gaisenkirchenweinachfestmarket was timely and light the second-hand sun tanning machine which Sid
had salvaged from an unknown source. Sidney is in a
internationally important. Gaisenkirchen is at the centre
of Teutonic Leap Frogging and Constantine were able to huge state of excitement as his idea for using the Cinema
as a multi-purpose sports training facility where only
cement good relations with a number of teams in the area
sports that do not discriminate will be taught has been
without revealing too many of their training and postural
taken up by a multimillionaire who also has a venerable
secrets. The famous Blinkers Penwolf hitch kick intrigued
title. Apparently this Lord ???????? is smitten with the
the local teams and by the time Constantine left a gentler
version was being practised. The tournament, staged foridea of sports which offer no advantage to speed, height,
the visitors, gave CASUAL much need practice on snowy weight, strength, balance, reaction, teamwork, eyesight or
and precipitous mountain courses. The final between coordination. It is said that money is no object as long
Constantine and Wulfenstowenbutel was a nail biting as it can be channelled through Sidney’s personal bank
account. No wonder that Sid is in his seventh heaven;
affair until a thick fog ended the game with the score finely
balanced. he has been looking for a sucker, sorry, business partner
of impeccable credentials for years. From what Sidney
The next move to Santa’s Grotto in Lapland was a
has said this titled gentleman is currently residing in
purely pleasure affair which was immeasurably heightened
for Dollie Penpoltrewss when she was able to live out aan African country waiting to move the many millions
childhood dream and sit on Santa’s reindeer. available through Sid’s bank account.
The final fling in their round tour was the
Christmas dinner at the famous Le Manor Au Deuxieme §§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
Eglise Blanc in the Auverne where the seventeen Michelin
Star Chef, Henri Poufsouffle, gave them his undivided Come what come may, time and the hour run through
attention. Whistling Jack Trefloggit unfortunately let the the longest day.