AngerManagement

TABLEOFCONTENTS

ModuleOne:GettingStarted.............................................................................................................. 1
PreAssignmentReview ............................................................................................................................ 2 WorkshopObjectives ................................................................................................................................ 3 ModuleTwo:UnderstandingAnger ..................................................................................................... 4 TheCycleofAnger .................................................................................................................................... 5 UnderstandingFightorFlight................................................................................................................... 8 CommonMythsaboutAnger.................................................................................................................... 9 ModuleThree:DosandDonts.......................................................................................................... 11 UnhelpfulWaysofDealingwithAnger................................................................................................... 12 HelpfulWaysofDealingwithAnger....................................................................................................... 13 ModuleFour:GainingControl ............................................................................................................ 14 AWordofWarning................................................................................................................................. 15 UsingCopingThoughts ........................................................................................................................... 16 UsingRelaxationTechniques .................................................................................................................. 17 BlowingOffSomeSteam ...................................................................................................................... 199 ModuleFive:SeparatethePeoplefromtheProblem ......................................................................... 21 Objectivevs.SubjectiveLanguage.......................................................................................................... 22 IdentifyingtheProblem .......................................................................................................................... 24 UsingIMessages................................................................................................................................. 25 ModuleSix:WorkingontheProblem................................................................................................. 26 UsingConstructiveDisagreement .......................................................................................................... 27 NegotiationTips...................................................................................................................................... 28 BuildingConsensus ................................................................................................................................. 29 IdentifyingSolutions ............................................................................................................................... 30

 ModuleSeven:SolvingtheProblem................................................................................................... 31 ChoosingaSolution ................................................................................................................................ 32 MakingaPlan......................................................................................................................................... 33 GettingitDone ....................................................................................................................................... 34 ModuleEight:APersonalPlan ........................................................................................................... 35 UnderstandingHotButtons .................................................................................................................... 36 IdentifyingYourHotButtons .................................................................................................................. 36 APersonalAngerLog.............................................................................................................................. 37 ModuleNine:TheTripleAApproach ................................................................................................. 38 Alter ........................................................................................................................................................ 39 Avoid ....................................................................................................................................................... 40 Accept ..................................................................................................................................................... 41 ModuleTen:DealingwithAngryPeople ............................................................................................ 42 DeescalationTechniques ....................................................................................................................... 45 WhentoBackAwayandWhattoDoNext............................................................................................. 47 ModuleEleven:PullingItAllTogether ............................................................................................... 49 ProcessOverview .................................................................................................................................... 50 PuttingItintoAction............................................................................................................................... 51 ModuleTwelve:WrappingUp............................................................................................................ 52 WordsfromtheWise.............................................................................................................................. 52 QuickReferenceGuide.......................................................................................................................... 524 RecommendedReadingList.................................................................................................................... 56

Holdingontoangerislikegraspingahot coalwiththeintentofthrowingitat someoneelse;youaretheonewhogets burned. Buddha

ModuleOne:GettingStarted
WelcometotheAngerManagementworkshop.Benjamin Franklinoncesaid,Inthisworld,nothingcanbesaidtobe certain,exceptdeathandtaxes.Wewouldliketohaveathird itemtohislist:anger. Angercanbeanincrediblydamagingforce,costingpeople theirjobs,personalrelationships,andeventheirliveswhenitgetsoutofhand. However,sinceeveryoneexperiencesanger,itisimportanttohaveconstructive approachestomanageiteffectively. Thismaterialwillhelpteachyouhowtoidentifyangertriggersandwhattodowhen yougetangry.

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PreAssignmentReview ThepurposeofthePreAssignmentistogetyou thinkingabouttheAngerManagementstrategies youarealreadyusingandwhereyouneedto improve. Asapreassignment,weaskthatyouthinkofa situationwhereyouhadexperiencedanger, preferablyonethatnolongeraffectsyouinthe presenttime. Wealsoaskyoutorecalltheexactsymptomsyouexperienced,andthewayyou respondedtothesymptoms.Thefollowingguidequestionscanhelpduringthisprocess: Duringyourangerincident, 1 Whatsymptomsdidyouexperience a.physically? b.mentally? c.emotionally? d.behaviorally? a. Whatwasyourresponsetoyourangersymptoms? b. Wasyourresponsehelpful?Ifyes,inwhatwaywasithelpful?Ifyourresponse wasnothelpful,inwhatwaywasitunhelpful? Weaskthatyoutakeamomenttoreviewyourresponses.Also,keepyourresponsesin mindduringtheworkshop,astheycanassistingroundingtheideastobepresented intoyourpracticallife.

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WorkshopObjectives Researchhasconsistentlydemonstratedthatwhencleargoalsareassociatedwith learningthatthelearningoccursmoreeasilyandrapidly.Withthatinmind,letsreview ourgoalsfortoday. Bytheendofthisworkshop,participantswillbeableto: Listtheelementsoftheangercycle. Listthehelpfulandunhelpfulwaysofdealingwithanger. Listthetechniquesincontrollinganger,particularreadingangerwarningsigns, usingcopingthoughts,exercisingrelaxationtechniquesandblowingoffsteam. Understandthedifferencebetweenobjectiveandsubjectivelanguage. Knowskillsandtechniquesinmakingadisagreementconstructive,including effectivenegotiationandsolutionbuilding. Explainoneshotbuttonsandpersonalangerdynamics. Explainthealter,avoidandacceptingwaysofrespondingtoanangerprovoking situation. Listfivenegotiationtipstoassistinarrivingatamutualsolution. Learnandpracticedeescalationtechniques. Listwaystoshortcircuittheangercycle. Gainanintegratedviewofangermanagementandhowitcanbebestpracticed.

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Angeralwayscomesfromfrustrated expectations. ElliotLarson

ModuleTwo:UnderstandingAnger
Beforewediscussspecificangermanagementstrategies,itishelpfultofirstunderstand thenatureofanger.Whilemostarefamiliarwiththisemotion,noteveryoneisawareof itsunderlyingdynamics.Inthismodule,wewilldiscussthecycleofanger,thefightand flightresponse,andcommonmythsaboutanger.

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TheCycleofAnger

Angerisanaturalemotionthatusuallystemsfromperceivedthreatorloss.Itsa pervasiveemotion;itaffectsourbody,thoughts,feelingsandbehavior.Angerisoften describedintermsofitsintensity,frequency,duration,thresholdandexpression. Angertypicallyfollowsapredictablepattern:acycle.Understandingthecycleofanger canhelpusunderstandourownangerreactions,andthoseofothers.Itcanalsohelpus inconsideringthemostappropriateresponse. Illustratedbelowarethefivephasesoftheangercycle:trigger,escalation,crisis, recoveryanddepression.

Crisis

Trigger Escalation Recovery

TheCycle ofAnger
Depression Normal/ AdaptivePhase

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TheTriggerPhase Thetriggerphasehappenswhenweperceiveathreatorloss,andourbody preparestorespond.Inthisphase,thereisasubtlechangefromanindividuals normal/adaptivestateintohisstressedstate.Angertriggersdifferfromperson toperson,andcancomefromboththeenvironmentorfromourthought processes. 1. TheEscalationPhase Intheescalationphase,thereistheprogressiveappearanceoftheanger response.Inthisphase,ourbodypreparesforacrisisafterperceivingthetrigger. Thispreparationismostlyphysical,andismanifestedthroughsymptomslike rapidbreathing,increasedheartrateandraisedbloodpressure.Oncethe escalationphaseisreachedthereislesschanceofcalmingdown,asthisisthe phasewherethebodypreparesforfightorflight(tobediscussedlater). 3.TheCrisisPhase Aspreviouslymentioned,theescalationphaseisprogressive,anditisinthe crisisphasethattheangerreactionreachesitspeak.Inthecrisisphaseourbody isonfullalert,preparedtotakeactioninresponsetothetrigger.Duringthis phase,logicandrationalitymaybelimited,ifnotimpairedbecausetheanger instincttakesover.Inextremecases,thecrisisphasemeansthatapersonmay beaseriousdangertohimselfortootherpeople. 4. TheRecoveryPhase Therecoveryphasehappenswhentheangerhasbeenspent,oratleast controlled,andthereisnowasteadyreturntoapersonsnormal/adaptivestate. Inthisstage,reasoningandawarenessofonesselfreturns.Iftheright interventionisapplied,thereturntonormalcyprogressessmoothly.However,an inappropriateinterventioncanreignitetheangerandserveasanewtrigger. 5. TheDepressionPhase Thedepressionphasemarksareturntoapersonsnormal/adaptiveways. Physically,thisstagemarksbelownormalvitalsigns,suchasheartrate,sothat thebodycanrecoverequilibrium.Apersonsfulluseofhisfacultiesreturnatthis point,andthenewawarenesshelpsapersonassesswhatjustoccurred. Consequently,thisstagemaybemarkedbyembarrassment,guilt,regretand/or depression.
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Afterthedepressionphaseisareturntoanormaloradaptivephase.Anewtrigger, however,canstarttheentirecyclealloveragain. Belowisanexampleofapersongoingthroughthefivestagesoftheangercycle: Josephinecamehomefromworktoseedirtyplatesleftinthesink(triggerphase).She startedtowashthem,butasshewasdoingsoshekeptthinkingabouthow inconsiderateherchildrenarefornotcleaningafterthemselves.Shewasalreadytired fromworkanddoesnotneedtheextrachore.Shefelttheheatinherneckandthe trembleinherhandsassheswashingthedishes(escalationphase). Feelinglikeshecantkeepittoherselfanylonger,shestormeduptheroomtoconfront herkids.Inaraisedvoice,sheaskedthemhowdifficultcoulditbetowashthedishes. Shetoldthemthattheyaregettingpunishedfortheirlackofresponsibility(crisis phase). Havinggottenthewordsout,shefeltcalmer,andherheartbeatslowlyreturnedto normal.Shesawthatherkidsarebusywithhomeworkwhenshehadinterruptedthem. Shewasalsobetterabletoheartheirreasoning,astheyapologized(recoveryphase). Josephineregrettedyellingatherchildrenandtoldthemthatshessimplytiredandits nottheirfault(depressionphase). NOTE:Howlongeachphaselastsdifferfrompersontoperson.Somepeoplealsoskip certainphases,orelsetheygothroughthemprivatelyand/orunconsciously.

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 UnderstandingFightorFlight TheFightorFlighttheory,formulatedbyWalterCannon,describeshowpeoplereactto perceivedthreat.Basically,whenfacedwithsomethingthatcanharmus,weeither aggress(fight)orwithdraw(flight).Itisbelievedthatthisreactionisaningrained instinctgearedtowardssurvival. Thefightorflightinstinctismanifestedinbodilyways.Whenfacedwithathreat,our bodyreleasesthehormonesadrenaline,noradrenalineandcortisol.Thesechemicalsare designedtotakeustoastateofalertnessandaction.Theyresultinincreasedenergy, heartrate,sloweddigestion,andabovenormalstrength. Understandingthefightorflightinstinctcanhelpusunderstandthedynamicsofour angerresponse.Thefollowingaresomeoftheimplicationsofthefightandflighttheory onangermanagement: First,thetheoryunderscoreshowangerisbutanaturalresponse.Thereisnomorality toanger.Angerisaresultofperceivedharmtoself,whetherphysicaloremotional. Second,thistheoryremindsusoftheneedtostayincontrol.Whenweareangry,our rationalselfgetsoverriddenbyabasicsurvivalinstinct.Theresaneedtoact immediately.Thisinstinctcanthenresultinaggressiveness,overreactivityand hypervigilance,whichareallcontrarytorationalanddeliberateresponse.Conscious efforttowardsselfawarenessandcontrolisneededsothatthisinstinctdoesnot overpowerus.
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CommonMythsaboutAnger Herearefivecommonmythsaboutanger: 1.Angerisabademotion. Thereisnosuchthingasagoodorbademotion;theyareinstinctualreactionsandwe dontmakeconsciousdecisionsforthemtocome.Infact,someangerreactionsare appropriate,suchastheangeragainstdiscrimination,injusticeandabuse.Whatcanbe judgedaspositiveornegative/healthyorunhealthyishowwereacttoanger. 2.Angerneedstobeunleashedforittogoaway. Itstruethatangerneedstobeexpressedinorderforsymptomstoberelieved. However,expressingangerinverballyorphysicallyaggressivewaysarenottheonlyway tounleashanger.Norisangeranexcuseforapersontobeaggressive.Theexpression ofangercanbetemperedbyrationalityandforethought. Notethatventingangerdoesnotnecessarilyresultsintotheangerdisappearing, althoughventingcanrelievethesymptoms.Attimes,processingpersonalexperiences, seeingconcretechangeandgenuineforgivenessareneededforangertogoaway. 3.Ignoringangerwillmakeitgoaway. Generally,allkindsofemotionsdonotdisappearwhenignored.Theangerjustgets temporarilyshelved,andwilllikelyfindotherwaysofgettingexpressed.Itcanget projectedtoanotherperson,transformedintoaphysicalsymptom,orbuiltupfora biggerfutureblowup.Someofourbehaviorsmayevenbeunconsciouswaysof expressinganger. Whiletherearesituationswhenitsinadvisabletoexpressyourangerimmediately,the veryleastyoucandoisacknowledgethatitexists. 4.Youcantcontrolyouranger. Thismythisrelatedtothesecondone.Asdiscussedearlier,thefightandflightinstinct canmakeangeranoverwhelmingemotion.However,thisinstinctdoesnotmeanthat yourebutaslavetoyourimpulses.Awarenessofangerdynamicsandaconsciouseffort toriseaboveyourangercanhelpyouregaincontrolofyourreactions.
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5.IfIdontgetangry,peoplewillthinkIamapushover. Itstruethatapersoncanlosecredibilityishemakesrulesandthenignoresviolations. However,angerisnottheonlywayapersoncanshowthatthereareconsequencesto violations.Infact,themosteffectivewayofinstillingdisciplineinothersistohavea calm,nonemotionalapproachtodealingwithrulebreakers.Calmandrationalitycan communicatestrengthtoo.

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Howmuchmoregrievousarethe consequencesofangerthanthecausesof it. MarcusAurelius

ModuleThree:DosandDonts
Nowthatweveestablishedthatangerisanatural,unavoidableandinstinctualreaction, letslookathowwecanrespondtoangerappropriately.Inthismodule,wewilldiscuss thedosanddontsinrespondingtoanger.

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UnhelpfulWaysofDealingwithAnger Thefollowingareunhelpfulwaysofdealingwithanger: 1. DONTignoretheanger. Somepeoplerespondtoangerbynotadmitting, eventothemselves,thattheyareangry.Defense mechanismsoftenusedtoignoreangerinclude laughinganissueoff,distractingonesselffromtheproblem,andtrivializingthe triggersimpact. 2. DONTkeeptheangerinside. Therearepeoplewhodorecognizethattheyreangry.However,theychooseto obsessabouttheirangerinsilenceratherthanexpressit.Theycanbeargrudges foralongtime.Peoplelikethis,alsocalledstuffers,aremorelikelytodevelop hypertensioncomparedtoothers.Theyarealsolikelytojustexplodeoneday, oncetheangerhasbuilttothepointthattheycantkeepitinsideanymore. 3. DONTgetaggressive. Therighttoventyourangerdoesntextendtodoingitinwaysthatcanhurt others,hurtyourselfanddamageproperty.Aggressioncanbeverbalorphysical. 4. DONTgetpassiveaggressive. Passiveaggressivenessreferstoindirectandunderhandedmeanstogetbackat thepersonwhomadeyouangry.Examplesofpassiveaggressivebehaviorsare gossiping,tardinessandbackbiting. 5. DONTusenonconstructivecommunicationstyles. Avoidtheuseofindirectattacksandunproductivestatements.Theseinclude blaming,labeling,preaching,moralizing,ordering,warning,interrogating, ridiculingandlecturing.
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 HelpfulWaysofDealingwithAnger Thefollowingarehelpfulwaysindealingwithanger: 1. DOacknowledgethatyouareangry. Itisimportantthatyouknowhowtorecognizethatyouareangry,andgive yourselfpermissiontofeelit.ThiscanbeassimpleassayingtoyourselfIam angry.Remember,youcantcontrolsomethingyoudontadmitexists! 2. DOcalmyourselfbeforeyousayanything. Inthepreviousdiscussions,wesawhowthereisabiologicalreasonwhyanger canfeeloverwhelmingourbodyisengagedinafightorflightresponse.It helpsthentodeferanyreactionsuntilyouhavereachedthereturntonormal/ adaptivephaseoftheangercycle.Otherwise,youmightendupsayingordoing somethingthatyoudlaterregret.Count1to10! 3. DOspeakup,whensomethingisimportanttoyou. Thisistheoppositetokeepingitallin.Ifamatterisimportanttoyou,somuch sothatkeepingsilentwouldjustresultinphysicalandmentalsymptoms,thenlet itout.Ifitsnotpossibletospeaktothepersonconcerned,atleastlookfora trustedfriendoramentalhealthprofessional. 4. DOexplainhowyourefeelinginamannerthatshowsownershipand responsibilityforyouranger. Takeownershipandresponsibilityforyourfeelings.Thismakestheangerwithin yourcontrol(youcantcontrolotherpeople).Onewaytotakeownershipand responsibilityforyourangeristhroughtheuseofImessages,whichwouldbe discussedinalatermodule.
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Anyonewhoangersyou,conquersyou. Anonymous

ModuleFour:GainingControl
Angerisinstinctual,yes.Itisanemotionthatcomesunbiddenandweoftendonthave achoicewhetherwewouldbeangryornot.Whatwecandohowever,istakecontrolof ourangerwhenitcomes.Inthismodule,wewilldiscusswaystogaincontroloverour anger. Specificallywewilldiscussrecognizingwarningsigns,copingthoughts,relaxation techniquesandwaystoblowoffsteam.

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AWordofWarning Thefirststepingainingcontrolofangeristorecognizeitswarningsigns. Youhavetobeawareofsymptomsthatyoureangerisabouttobuildup, sothatyoucancatchyourselfearlyandmakethenecessaryintervention. Thisprocessinvolvestakingyourselffromthemomentandobservingyourown reactionsfromathirdpersonpointofview. Warningsignsofangerexistsinarange.Someareveryobvious;othersverysubtle. Theydifferfrompersontoperson.Signsofangercanbephysical,mental,emotional andbehavioral. Physicalsignsofangerinclude: rapidheartrate difficultybreathing headache stomachache sweating feelinghotinthefaceandneck shaking Mentalsignsofangerinclude: difficultyconcentrating obsessingonthesituation thinkingvengefulthoughts cynicism Emotionalsignsofangerinclude: sadness irritability guilt resentment feelinglikeyouneedtohurtsomeone needingtobealone needingtoisolateonesself numbness
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Behavioralsignsofangerinclude: clenchingoffist poundingoffistonawall/tableoranysurface pacing raisingonesvoice anyactofaggression/passiveaggression UsingCopingThoughts Onceyourealizethatyouareangry,orthatyoureabouttogetangry,youcanstart calmingyourselfmentally.Thefollowingarejustafewmentalscriptsyoucanuseto keepyourangerundercontrol. 1. Calmdownfirst,andthinkthisthrough. 2. Thismaynotbeasbadasitseems 3. Thisisjustoneincidentitdoesntdefinemylife. 4. Iamcapableofmanagingthissituation. 5. Itsalrighttobeupset./Ihavetherighttobeupsetinthis situation./Iamangry. 6. Whatneedstobedoneimmediately?(gointodamagecontrol/solutionfocused mode). 7. Badthings/Mistakesdohappen./Nothingssaysthatthingswillgorightallthe time. 8. Thereisnoneedtofeelthreatenedhere. 9. Ihavenocontroloverotherpeopleandtheirfeelings.ButIhavecontrolover myself. 10. IhavemanagedangersuccessfullybeforeandIwillagain.
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UsingRelaxationTechniques Anotherwaytohelpyoucontrolyourangeristointentionallyinduceyourselftoastate ofcalm.Thiscanhelpespeciallyinaddressingthephysicalsymptomsofanger. Relaxationtechniquesthatyoucandoinclude: 1. BreathingExercises Deliberatelycontrollingyourbreathingcanhelpapersoncalmdown.Waystodo thisinclude:breathingthroughonesnoseandexhalingthroughonesmouth, breathingfromonesdiagram,andbreathingrhythmically. 2. Meditation Meditationisawayofexercisingmentaldiscipline.Mostmeditationtechniques involveincreasingselfawareness,monitoringthoughts,andfocusing. Meditationtechniquesincludeprayer,therepetitionofamantra,andrelaxing movementorpostures. 3. ProgressiveMuscleRelaxation(PMR) PMRisatechniqueofstressmanagementthatinvolvesmentallyinducingyour musclestotenseandrelax.PMRusuallyfocusesonareasofthebodywhere tensioniscommonlyfelt,suchasthehead,shouldersandchestarea.Itsaway toexercisethepowerofthemindoverthebody. 4. Visualization Visualizationistheuseofmentalimagerytoinducerelaxation.Some visualizationexerciseinvolvespicturingaplaceofserenityandcomfort,suchasa beachoragarden.Othervisualizationexercisesinvolveimaginingthereleaseof angerinametaphoricalform.Anexampleofthislatterkindofvisualizationis imaginingonesangerasaballtobereleasedtospace. 5. Music Somepeoplefindlisteningtomusicasveryrelaxing.Thekindofmusicthats

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calmingdiffersfrompersontoperson;traditionalrelaxationmusicincludes classicalpieces,acousticsoundsandevenambientnoises. 6. ArtandCrafts Therearepeoplewhofindworkingwiththeirhandsasagoodwaytorelax.This isespeciallytrueforpeoplewhofeeltheirtensionsintheirhands.Drawing pictures,paperconstructionandsculptingarejustsomeofthewaystodestress whenfacedwithanangertrigger.Artsandcraftsarehelpfulbecauseitkeepsa personfromobsessingontheangerwhileheorsheisstillintherecoveryphase oftheangercycle.

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BlowingOffSomeSteam Anotherwayofcontrollingyourangerisbygettingtheangerenergyoutblowingoff steam.Thesetechniquesareespeciallyhelpfulwhenyouareinthecrisisphaseofthe angercycle. Thefollowingaresomeconstructivewaysofblowingoffsteam: 1. Screaming Iftheplacewouldallowit,screamingcanhelpreleasethetensionsandfrustrations thatcomewithanger.Thinkofthethingthatangersyouthemost,build momentum,andletitoutinonebigshout.Youmayalsoscreamoutthewordsyou wishyoucouldsayifthevenueisappropriate.Thelouderthescream,thebetter. 2. PhysicalActivity Manypeoplefindexercise,sports,dancingandevenjustpacingabout,aseffective waystoventanger.Thismakessense;ifthefightandflightresponsegearsaperson forphysicalaction,thenphysicalactionmightindeedbethebestwaytodealwith theanger.Physicalactivityisalsobelievedtoreleaseendorphins,ournaturalmood regulators.

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3. PillowPunching Theneedtofightbackmaybechanneledthroughpunchingpillows.Pillowsprovide asafewaytoreleasetensions;itssafenotjustfortheobjectoftheangerbutalso foronesself.Relatedtechniquesincludewringingouttowelsandbreakingold plates. 4. Writing Ifphysicalactivitiesarenotyourthing,youcanblowoffsteambyexpressingyour thoughtsandfeelingsinwriting.Youcanwriteinanunstructuredway,simply puttingonpaperthefirstthingthatcomestoyourmind.Youcanalsobemore creativeaboutit,andchannelyourangerthroughpoetryorsong. 5. Singing Heresanewone:ventyourangerbygoingtoyournearestvideokeorkaraokebar. Manypeoplefindsingingtherapeutic,especiallyifthesonglyricsandmelody matchesonesmood.

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Itiswisetodirectyourangertowards problemsnotpeople;tofocusyour energiesonanswersnotexcuses. WilliamArthurWard

ModuleFive:SeparatethePeoplefromtheProblem
Angerisnotjustpersonal.Itcanberelationalaswell.Whenmanagingangerthat involvesotherpeople,ithelpstohaveaproblemorienteddisposition,settingpersonal mattersaside.Thiswaytheissuebecomesanobjectiveandworkableissue. Inthismodule,wewilldiscusswaystoseparatepeoplefromtheproblem.Specifically, wewilldiscussthedifferencebetweenobjectiveandsubjectivelanguage,waysto identifytheproblem,andhowtouseImessages.

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Objectivevs.SubjectiveLanguage

Onewaytomakesurethatadiscussionremainsconstructive istouseobjectiveratherthansubjectivelanguage. Objectivelanguageinvolvesstatingyourpositionusing referencepointsthatareobservable,factualandfreefrom personalprejudices.Objectivereferencesdonotchangefrom persontoperson. Thisistheoppositeofsubjectivelanguage,whichisvague,biasedand/oremotional. Youareusingsubjectivelanguagewhenyouarestatinganopinion,assumption,belief, judgmentorrumor. Theuseofobjectivelanguagekeepsthediscussiononneutralground.Itsless threateningtoapersonsselfesteemandthereforekeepspeoplefrombeinginthe defensive.Moreimportantly,objectivelanguagecanbedisputedandconfirmed,which ensuresthatthediscussioncangotowardsasolution. Herearesomeguidelinesintheuseofobjectivevs.subjectivelanguage: 1. Statebehaviorsinsteadofpersonalitytraits. Subjective:Youreaninconsideratesupervisor. Objective:Youapprovedtherulewithoutconsultingwithusfirst. 2. Avoidvaguereferencestofrequency.Instead,usetheactualnumbers. Subjective:Youarealwayslate! Objective:Youwerelateformeetingsfourtimesinthepastmonth. 3. Clarifytermsthatcanmeandifferentlytodifferentpeople. Subjective:Youpracticefavoritismwhenyougivepromotions. Objective:Theemployeerankingsystemisnotbeingfollowedduring promotions.
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4. Dontpresumeanotherpersonsthoughts,feelingsandintentions. Subjective:Youhateme! Objective:Youdonottalktomewhenweareinaroomtogether. 5. Dontpresumeanactionyoudidnotseeorheard. Subjective:Shestolemywallet. Objective:ThewalletwasinmydeskwhenIleft.ItwasnolongertherewhenI cameback,andshewastheonlypersonwhoenteredtheroom.

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IdentifyingtheProblem Youcantseparatepeoplefromtheproblemifyoudontknowwhattheproblemis.A goodwaytomoveforward,inadiscussionwhereangerisescalating,isthrough identifyingtheproblem. Identifyingtheproblemfocusesallenergyonthecrisisathandratherthanthepersons involvedinaconflict.Thetwopartiesfocustheirenergiesonacommonenemythatis outsideofthemselves,amovethatputsthetwoopposingpartiesbackinneutral ground. Therearemanyprocessesyoucanusetoidentifytheproblem.Hereisoneofthem: STEPONE:Getasmuchinformationasyoucanwhytheotherpartyisupset. STEPTWO:Surfacetheotherpersonsposition.Reframethispositionintoaproblem statement.Example:Icanhearhowupsetyouare.AmIrightinperceivingthatthe problemforyouisthatyouwerentinformedoftheaccountbeingsold? STEPTHREE:Reviewyourownposition.Stateyourpositioninaproblemstatementas well.Example:TheproblemformeisthatIdonthavetheresourcestocontactyou.The phonelinesarenotworkingbecauseofthestorm. STEPFOUR:Havingheardbothpositions,definetheprobleminamutuallyacceptable way.Example:Ihearthatyoudliketobeinformedofanysales.Onmypart,Idliketo informyou,butforaslongasthephonelinesaredead,IcantseehowIwoulddoit.I thinktheissuehereisaboutfindinganalternativewaytogettheinformationtoyouon timewhilethephonesarebeingrepaired.Doyouagree? Ifthetwopartiesagreetotheproblemstatement,theycannowbothworkatthe surfacedproblemandtakethefocusawayfromtheiremotions.

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UsingIMessages AnImessageisamessagethatisfocusedonthespeaker.When youuseImessages,youtakeresponsibilityforyourownfeelings insteadofaccusingtheotherpersonofmakingyoufeelacertain way.TheoppositeofanImessageisaYoumessage. AnImessageiscomposedofthefollowing: 1.Adescriptionoftheproblemorissue. Describethepersonsbehavioryouarereactingtoinanobjective, nonblameful,andnonjudgmentalmanner. When...

2.Itseffectonyouryouortheorganization. Describetheconcreteortangibleeffectsofthatbehavior. Theeffectsare... 3.Asuggestionforalternativebehavior. Idprefer... HereisanexampleofanImessage:

WhenIhavetowaitoutsidetheofficeanextrahourbecauseyoudidntinformmethat youdbelate(problem/issue),Ibecomeagitated(effect).Ipreferforyoutosendmea messageifyouwillnotbeabletomakeit(alternativebehavior). ThemostimportantfeatureofImessagesisthattheyareneutral.Thereisnoeffortto threaten,argue,orblameinthesestatements.Youavoidmakingtheotherperson defensive,astheessenceofanImessageis"Ihaveaproblem"insteadof"Youhavea problem".Thespeakersimplymakesstatementsandtakesfullresponsibilityforhis/her feelings.

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Anyonecanbecomeangrythatiseasy, buttobeangrywiththerightperson,at therighttime,andfortherightpurpose andintherightwaythatisnotwithin everyonespowerandthatisnoteasy. Aristotle

ModuleSix:WorkingontheProblem
Theescalationofangerinhotsituationscanbeeasilyprevented,ifasystemfor discussingcontentiousissuesisinplace.Inthismodule,wewoulddiscusshowtowork effectivelyontheproblem.Specifically,wewilltackleconstructivedisagreement, negotiationtips,buildingconsensusandidentifyingsolutions.

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UsingConstructiveDisagreement Thereisnothingwrongwithdisagreement.Notwopeopleare completelysimilarthereforeitsinevitablethattheywould disagreeonatleastoneissue.Theresalsonothingwrongin havingapositionanddefendingit. Tomakethemostofadisagreement,youhavetokeepitconstructive.Thefollowingare someoftheelementsofaconstructivedisagreement: SOLUTIONFOCUS.Thedisagreementaimstofindaworkablecompromiseatthe endofthediscussion. MUTUALRESPECT.Evenifthetwopartiesdonotagreewithoneanother,courtesy isalwaysapriority. WINWINSOLUTION.Constructivedisagreementisnotgearedtowardsgettingthe oneupontheotherperson.Thepremiumisalwaysonfindingasolutionthat hasbenefitsforbothparties. REASONABLECONCESSIONS.Moreoftenthannot,awinwinsolutionmeansyou wontgetyourwaycompletely.Somedegreeofsacrificeisnecessarytomeetthe otherpersonhalfway.Inconstructivedisagreement,partiesareopentomaking reasonableconcessionsforthenegotiationtomoveforward. LEARNINGFOCUS.Partiesinconstructivedisagreementseeconflictsas opportunitiestogetfeedbackonhowwellasystemworks,sothatnecessary changescanbemade.Theyalsoseeitasachallengetobeflexibleandcreativein comingupwithsolutionsforeveryonesgain.

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NegotiationTips Negotiationsaresometimesanecessarypartofarrivingatasolution. Whentwopartiesareinadisagreement,therehastobeaprocessthat wouldsurfacesareasofbargaining.Whenapersonisgiventheopportunitytopresent hissideandargueforhisorherinterests,angerislesslikelytoescalate. Thefollowingaresometipsonnegotiationduringaconflict: 1. Notesituationalfactorsthatcaninfluencethenegotiationprocess. Contextisanimportantelementinthenegotiationprocess.Thelocationofthe meeting,thephysicalarrangementofroom,aswellasthetimethemeetingis heldcanpositivelyornegativelyinfluencetheparticipantsabilitytolistenand discern.Forexample,negotiationsheldinanoisyauditoriumimmediatelyaftera stressfuldaycanmakeparticipantsirritableandlesslikelytocompromise. 2. Prepare! Beforeenteringanegotiatingtable,makeyourresearch.Stackuponfactsto backupyourposition,andanticipatetheotherpartysposition.Havingtheright informationcanmakethenegotiationprocessrunfasterandmoreefficiently. 3. Communicateclearlyandeffectively. Makesurethatyoustateyourneedsandinterestsinawaythatisnotopento misinterpretation.Speakinacalmandcontrolledmanner.Presentarguments withoutpersonalization.Remember,yourpositioncanonlybeappreciatedifits perceivedaccurately. 4. Focusontheprocessaswellasthecontent. Itsimportantthatyoupayattentionnotjusttothewordsyouandtheother partyaresaying,butalsothemannerthediscussionisrunning.Forexample,was everyoneabletospeaktheirpositionadequately,oristhereanindividualwho dominatestheconversation?Arethereimplicitorexplicitcoercionshappening? Doestheotherpersonsnonverbalbehaviorshowopennessandobjectivity?All thesethingsinfluenceresult,andyouwanttomakesurethatyouhavethemost productivenegotiationprocessthatyoucan. 5. Keepanopenmind. Lastly,enteranegotiationsituationwithanopenmind.Bewillingtolistenand carefullyconsiderwhattheotherpersonhastosay.Anticipatethepossibility thatyoumayhavetochangeyourbeliefsandassumptions.Makeconcessions.
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BuildingConsensus Consensusmeansunanimousagreementonanareaof contention.Arrivingataconsensusistheidealresolutionof bargaining.Ifbothpartiescanfindasolutionthatis agreeabletobothofthem,thenangercanbepreventedor reduced. Thefollowingaresometipsonhowtoarriveataconsensus: 1. Focusoninterestsratherthanpositions. Surfacetheunderlyingvaluethatmakespeopletakethepositiontheydo.For example,theinterestbehindarequestforasalaryincreasemaybefinancial security.Ifyoucancommunicatetotheotherpartythatyouacknowledgethis need,andwillonlyofferapositionthattakesfinancialsecurityinto consideration,thenaconsensusismorelikelytohappen. 2. Exploreoptionstogether. Consensusismorelikelyifbothpartiesareactivelyinvolvedinthesolution makingprocess.Thisensuresthatthereisincreasedcommunicationabouteach partyspositions.Italsoensuresthatresistancesareaddressed. 3. Increasesameness/reducedifferentiation. Aconsensusismorelikelyifyoucanemphasizeallthethingsthatyouandthe otherpartyhaveincommon,andminimizeallthethingsthatmakeyoudifferent. Anincreasedempathycanmakefindingcommoninterestseasier.Itmayalso reducepsychologicalbarrierstocompromising.Anexampleofincreasing sameness/reducingdifferencesisanemployerandemployeetemporarilysetting asidetheirpositiondisparityandlookingattheproblemastwostakeholdersin thesameorganization.

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IdentifyingSolutions Workingonaprobleminvolvestheprocessofcomingupwith possiblesolutions.Thefollowingaresomewaystwopartiesin disagreementcanidentifysolutionstotheirproblem. BRAINSTORM.Brainstormingistheprocessofcomingupwith asmanyideasasyoucanintheshortesttimepossible.Itmakesuseofdiversity ofpersonalitiesinagroup,sothatonecancomeupwiththewidestrangeof freshideas.Quantityofideasismoreimportantthanqualityofideasinthe initialstageofbrainstorming;youcanfilteroutthebadoneslateronwithanin depthreviewoftheirprosandcons. HYPOTHESIZE.Hypothesizingmeanscomingupwithwhatifscenariosbasedon intelligentguesses.Asolutioncanbemadefromimaginingalternativesetups, andstudyingthesealternativesetupsagainstfactsandknowndata. ADOPTAMODEL.Youmayalsolookforasolutioninthepast.Ifasolutionhas workedbefore,perhapsitmayworkagain.Findsimilarproblemsandstudy howitwashandled.Youdonthavetofollowamodeltotheletter;youare alwaysfreetotweakittofitthenuancesofthecurrentproblem. INVENTOPTIONS.Iftherehasbeennoprecedenceforaproblem,itstimeto exerciseonescreativityandthinkofnewoptions.Awaytogoaboutthisisto listdowneachpartysinterestsandcomeupproposedsolutionsthathave benefitsforeachparty. SURVEY.Ifthetwopartiescantcomeupwithasolutionbetweenthetwoof them,maybeitstimetoseekotherpeoplespointofview.Surveypeoplewith interestorbackgroundintheissueincontention.Findanexpertispossible.Just rememberthough,attheendofthedaythedecisionisstillyours.Identifya solutionbasedonfacts,notonsomeonesopinion.

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Angerisnotbad.Angercanbeavery positivething,thethingthatmovesus beyondtheacceptanceofevil. JoanChittister

ModuleSeven:SolvingtheProblem
Afteraconstructivediscussionoftheproblem,aswellasreviewofavailableoptions,its nowtimetogoaboutsolvingtheproblem.Solvingaproblemlessensitsthreataspect, makinglessanangertrigger.Inthismodule,wewilldiscusselementsofsolvingthe problem.Particularly,wewoulddiscusschoosingasolution,makingaplan,andgetting itdone.

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ChoosingaSolution
Youvealreadyidentifiedpossiblesolutionstoaproblem.

Thenextthingtodoishowtonarrowthelistdowntothe best. Thefollowingaresomecriteriayoucanusewhenchoosing solutions. COSTSANDBENEFITS.Anidealsolutionisonethathastheleastcostsandmost benefits. DISAGREEINGPARTIESINTERESTS.Anidealsolutionhasfactoredintheimpactonall partiesconcernedandhasmadeadjustmentsaccordingly. FORESIGHT.Anidealsolutiondoesnthavejustshorttermgainsbitlongtermones aswell. OBSTACLES.Anidealsolutionhasanticipatedallpossibleobstaclesinits implementationandhasmadeplansaccordingly. VALUES.Anidealsolutionisonethatisconsistentwiththemissionvisionofthe organizationand/oritsindividualmembers.

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MakingaPlan Youvealreadypickedasolutionforyourproblem.Nowitstime tocreateaplanforitsimplementation. Thefollowingaresomeguidelineswhenmakingaplan. 1. Keepyourgoal(s)centraltoyouplan. Everysolutionhasagoal.Thegoalisthespecificandmeasurablechangethatyou wanttoachievebyimplementingyoursolution.Whenyoumakeplan,makesure thatallthestepsandprocessesyououtlinearemovingtowardsthisgoal. 2. Breakdownyouractionplanintoconcretesteps. Agoodplanisconcreteinsteadofabstract,specificinsteadofgeneric.Thinkof thedifferentstepsthatyouneedtodoinordertogettoyourultimategoaland planalongthosemilestones.Notethedeliverablepermilestone.Indicatethe timelineforeachmilestone.Identifythepeopleresponsibleforeachtask. 3. Notealltheresourcesyouwouldneed. Therearetwokindsofresources:humanandmaterial.Makealistofallhuman andmaterialresourcesthatyouneedtoexecutetheaction,andmakesurethat theyareallavailable.Iftheyarenotavailable,addanextraactionplantoprocure them.Youwanttomakesurethatyourplanisrealisticgivenyourresources. 4. Planhowthesolutionwouldbeevaluated. Agoodplandoesntjustincludethestepstoexecutetheprogram.Itshouldalso includemechanismsformonitoringprogressandevaluatingresults.An evaluationplanensuresthatneedsforplanrevisioncanbesurfaced.

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GettingitDone Anissueincontentionwillremainahotissueunlesstheplanisimplemented.Itisonly whenconcretechangecanbeobservedthatangercanbeseriouslyaddressed. Thefollowingaresometipsinimplementingasolution. 1. Sticktoyourplan. Notethewhat,where,whenandthewhoofyourplanandfollowittotheletter. Thiswillkeepyourendofthebargainexplicitandeasytomonitorandevaluate. Deviatingfromtheplancanresulttoadditionalanger,especiallyifyoudeviatedin areasimportanttotheotherparty. 2. Monitorprogressandresults. Keeptrackofwhetherornotyoursolutionisaccomplishingthegoal.Makesurethat youputeverythingonpaperforreadyreferencelater.Logdownbestpractices,risks andobstaclesencountered. 3. Rewardandreviseaccordingly. Ifthesolutionisworking,noteprogressandaffirmthesuccess.Thisgivesthetwo partiesasenseofaccomplishment.Moreso,thenexttimetheyhaveaconflict,it canserveastestamenttotheirabilitytosolveaproblem. Ifthesolutionisnotworking,gatherfeedback.Surfacethereasonwhythesolution doesnotseemtobeworking.Makethenecessarychangessothatyoucanrevisethe planasneeded.

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Everyonehasahotbutton.Whoispushing yours?Whileyouprobablycannotcontrol thatperson,youCANcontrolthewayyou reacttothem. Unknown

ModuleEight:APersonalPlan Angerisdeeplypersonal.Effectiveangermanagementshouldtakeintoconsideration individualangerdynamicsandtailorfitinterventionstothem.Inthismodulewewill discusswhathotbuttonsare,howtoidentifyyourpersonalhotbuttons,andhowyou canbebenefittedbykeepingapersonalangerlog.

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UnderstandingHotButtons Hotbuttonsaretriggersthatmakeusreactwithanger.Theyare notnecessarilytherealcauseofouranger,buttheycanbetheone thatlightsthefuse.Triggersvaryintheintensityoftheanger reactiontheycanevoke;somecanevokeuncontrollableragewhileothersmerelymild irritation. Hotbuttonscanbethingsthatfallshortofyourexpectations,blockyourgoals,attack yourselfesteem,violateyourvalues,and/orgiveyouafeelingoflossorhelplessness. Ahotbuttonisusuallyonethatelicitsanintensereactioninaperson,ortheonethat frequentlysparksanger. Thesehotbuttonscanbe: a. somethingweobserve(e.g.injusticeshappeningtootherpeople) b. somethingwethink(e.g.thethinkingthatwearealwaysthetargetofa particularpersonsmockery) c. somethingwefeel(e.g.thefeelingofbeinghelpless) d. somethingwedo(e.g.rescuingsomeoneinajameveniftheydont deserveourhelp) e. anycombinationofthefour

IdentifyingYourHotButtons Hotbuttonsdifferfrompersontoperson.Ourpersonalhistoriesinfluencewhatwould makeusangry.Sometriggersarecausedbyconditioning,modelingandunresolved issues. Akeytoseeingifahotbuttonistherealcauseoftheanger,orjustatrigger,istoseeif yourangerreactionisproportionatetowhatthesituationcallsfor.Ifyoureangrier thanyoushouldbe,perhapsthereisanunderlyingemotionalissuethatneedstobe surfaced. Awarenessofyourhotbuttonsisalreadywinninghalfthebattleagainstanger.Ifyou knowwhatcanevokeyouranger,youcanwatchoutforthem.
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APersonalAngerLog Moreoftenthannot,angerreactionsappearinpatterns.This meansthatthereisapredictablestructurethattheanger reactionsfollow.Thispatternisuniquetoeachindividual. Unfortunately,itisdifficulttonoticethispatternunlessyoutakethatthirdpersonpoint ofviewandstudyyourangerreactionsfromadistance. Hereiswherekeepingapersonalangerlogwouldhelp.Apersonalangerlogisadiaryof angerreactionsincludingsymptoms,triggersandcopingstyles.Itisawayofincreasing awarenessofangerpatternsuniquetotheindividual.Withawareness,onecanbetter identifywaystopreventandcopewithangerwhenitcomes. Keepingapersonalangerlogisalsoagoodwaytoblowoffsteam.Youmaytreatisasa diary.Insteadofastructuredtable,astheonethatwillbepresentedlater,youcan makeanunstructuredonetonoteyourfreefloatingideasandfeelings. Hereisasampletemplateforapersonalangerlog:
MYPERSONALANGERLOGFORWEEK1 Date/ Time Symptoms Beforetheanger,thesearewhatIwas seeing thinking feeling doing My Effectof Response myAnger Response tothe Anger

1.
2. 3. 4. 5. Insights

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Inthelongrun,weshapeourlives,andwe shapeourselves.Theprocessneverends untilwedie.Andthechoiceswemakeare ultimatelyourownresponsibility. EleanorRoosevelt ModuleNine:TheTripleAApproach

Angerisexacerbatedbyafeelingofvictimizationandhelplessness.Ithelpstoknow thenthatwealwayshaveatleastthreeoptionswhendealingwithanangerprovoking situation:youcanalter,avoidoraccept.

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Alter Youarenotavictimofyoursituation;youalwayshavethe optionoftakingadeliberateandwellthoughtoutresponse toanangerprovokingsituation.Youroptionstypicallyfall intothreecategories:alter,avoidoraccept. Altermeansthatyouinitiatechange.Youcanchangethings inyourenvironmentthatarewithinyourcontrol.Youcan alsoinitiatechangeswithinyourself. Thefollowingarewaysthatyoucanchangetodealwithangermoreeffectively. 1. Changenonproductivehabits. Ifyouknowthatyouhaveaparticularwayofdoingthingsthatoftenresult intoanangersituation,perhapsitstimetobreakthepattern.Forexample,if youknowthatmediatingafamilyquarrelwhileyourmindistiredfromwork oftenleadstoblowups,thenreschedulefamilymeetingstotimeswhen youremorerelaxed. 2. Respectfullyaskotherstochangetheirbehaviorandbewillingtodothe same. Youcantcontrolotherpeoplesthoughts,feelingsandbehavior.Youcan, however,letthemknowthatyoudappreciateachange.Waitingforlightning tostrikepeoplewithhabitsthatirritateyouwillnevergetyouanywhere, perhapsproactivecommunicationcan. 3. Changethewayyouviewasituation. Sometimes,itsourinterpretationofasituationthatmakesusangry,rather thanthesituationitself.Whatyoucandoischangeyourwayofthinking.For example,irrationalthoughtslikeIhavetobeperfectatalltimesusually resultinangerdirectedatonesselfwhenfailureshappen.Maybeifyoustart thinkingItsalrighttofailnowandthen,thingswouldgeteasier. 4. Changethewayyoureacttoasituation. Youcanalsodeliberatelychangethewayyourespond.Angerusuallybegets anger;weraiseourvoicewhensomeoneraisestheirvoicetous.Butifyou takeamomentandfindotherwaystorespond,thenmaybeyoucanmanage yourangerbetter.

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Avoid Avoidmeanssteeringclearofsituationsthatcanmakeyouangry. Thefollowingareavoidwaysthatyoucandotodealwithangermoreeffectively. 1. Steerclearofpeoplewhomakeyouupset. Angerisoftentriggeredbyinteractionswithdifficultpeople,orpeoplewho justrubyouthewrongway.Ifyouknowthatapersoniselicitinganintense angerreactioninyou,andyoufeelthatyoucantcontrolit,thenperhapsits bestthatyoujusttakeactiontoavoidthisindividual. 2. Steerclearofyourhotbuttons. Oneoftheadvantagesofknowingyourhotbuttonsisthatitenablesyouto structureyourdayinsuchawaythatavoidsthem.Forexample,iftoomany deadlinesmakeyouangryandstressed,thenlearntimemanagementor donttakemoreprojectsthanyoucanhandle.Sayingnoisagoodavoid response. 3. Removeyourselffromastressfulsituationimmediately. Anotheravoidinterventionsisimmediatelytakingyourselfawayfroma situationthatmightescalateyouranger.Forexample,ifapeerprovokesyour anger,youdonthavetostayaroundtolistentowhathehastostay.Youcan opttowalkawayandaddresstheissueanotherday.

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 Accept Unfortunately,therearesomethingsthatwecannotchangenoravoid.Inthiscase,we havetoacceptthem.Thisistrueinmanythingsthatinvolveunrecoverablelosses,like anaccidentorfinancialcollapse. Thefollowingareexamplesofacceptresponsestodealingwithanger: 1. Findlearning. Whenyouhavenochoicebuttoacceptasituation,makethemostofitby distillingthelessonsfromtheexperience.Thiswayyoucanrecovercontrolby makingproactivechangestopreventthesituationfromhappeningagain. 2. Seekhigherpurpose. Findingmeaningcanhelpinmanaginganger.Interpretingasituationbasedon onesfaithlife,orpersonalphilosophy,canlessenitsthreateningimpactonthe self.Forinstance,therearepeoplewhothinkthateverynegativeexperienceis anopportunity,acallforchange. 3. Venttoafriend. Ifyoucantdoanythingbutacceptasituation,attheveryleastfindsomeoneto shareyourexperiencewith.Ventingwithatrustedfriendoramentalhealth professionalcanhelpyouintegratetheexperiencebetterinyourlife.Thiscan helpyoumoveonfasterandmoreeffectively.

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Hewhoangersyou,conquersyou. ElizabethKenny

ModuleTen:DealingwithAngryPeople
Itisnotjustourownangerthatcangetoverwhelming.Anotherpersonsblowupcan alsotriggerintensereactionsinus,includingshock,fearandevenreactiverage.Inthis modulewewilldiscusshowwecaneffectivedealwithangrypeople.Specificallywewill talkabouttheEnergyCurve,deescalationtechniques,andguidelinesonwhentoback awayandwhattodo.

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UnderstandingtheEnergyCurve Oneofthetrickythingsabouthandlinganotherpersonsangerisreactinginawaythat willnotescalatetheanger.ThisiswhereanunderstandingoftheEnergyCurvecanhelp. TheEnergyCurveshowsthepatterncommonlyfoundinangryreactions.Itshowshow angryreactionsprogressinstages,andineachstagethereareappropriateresponses. BelowisanillustrationoftheEnergyCurve:

RATIONALBEHAVIOR ProblemSolvingisPossible. THEENERGYCURVE TakeOff SlowDown OfferSupportive MessagesatthisPoint! CoolDown

HerearesomekeypointstonoteabouttheEnergyCurve: 1. RATIONALBEHAVIOR.Thebaselineofthecurveisrationalbehavior.Thisisthe stagewhenareasonablediscussionaboutthecauseoftheangercanhappen. Beforeanangryreaction,apersonissaidtobeinthatrationalframeofmind. However,oncetheangryreactiontakesroot,peoplegointoastateofmindnot conducivetoreasoning.Itisimportantthentogetthepersonbacktoarational frameofmind. IMPLICATION:Youcannotreasonwithapersonduringthesetimes:whentheir angeristakingoff,attheheightoftheiranger/rageandevenatthepointwhen theyarecoolingdown!Youlljustwasteaperfectlygoodargument. 2. TAKEOFF.Angryreactionslowlybuildsmomentum,andthepointwhenthe angerisgainingenergyiscalledthetakeoffstage.Thewayangerbuildsin
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intensitydiffersfrompersontoperson.Forexample,somepeoplestartwith hostilefacialreactions,whichprogressestoshouting,andwhichprogressesto hittingthetable.Otherpeoplebuildupangerinlessobviousways,theystart withkeepingquietandthenprogressestophysicallywithdrawingthemselves fromotherpeople.Theangerwouldcontinuetobuildenergyuntilitreachesits peak. IMPLICATION:Angernaturallybuildsenergyduringthetakeoffphase.Arguing backatthispointinfact,anyconversation!wouldjustbefutile.Dontreact! Respond. 3. SLOWDOWN.Inthisstageisthemostintenseofthepersonsreaction.Itisa turningpoint;thereactionstopsgainingmomentumandbeginsasteadydecline. 4. COOLDOWN.Oncetheangryreactionhasreacheditsheight,itwillstartto subside.Youcantellbyobservingthepersonsbehavioroftentheirvoicesgo downtoaleveltone,theyarenotmovingtheirhandsasmuchandtheyseemto breatheeasier.Unlessprovokedfurther,thepersonwillrunoutofsteam. However,ifyoustartarguingtothepersonoragitatingthepersonevenduring thisstage,thereactioncantakeoffonceagain. IMPLICATION:Onlywhentheangryreactionhassloweddowncanyouintroduce supportivebehavior.Supportivebehaviorcanbeanystatementthat acknowledgestheanger,example:Icanseethatthisisanupsettingexperience foryou. 5. BACKTORATIONALBEHAVIOR.Oncetheindividualhasreturnedtothisstage, youcanbegintostarttalkingabouttheproblemreasonably.Youmayevenstart problemsolvingatthispoint. SUMMARY:Whenapersonisangry,justletthemvent!Itsthefastestwayto dealwiththesituation.

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DeescalationTechniques Deescalationtechniquesareskilledinterventionsdesignedto facilitateapersonscoolingdownprocess,reducethepossibility ofgettingverballyorphysicallyhurt,andgaincontrolofthe situation. Thefollowingareexamplesofdeescalationtechniques: 1.PRACTICEACTIVELISTENING. Mostofthetime,allanangrypersonneedsisanopportunitytotellsomeonehowthey feel,andhavetheirangeracknowledged.Seeingthatyouaregenuinelylisteningtotheir grievancecanhelplessentheintensityoftheirangryreaction. Thefollowingaresomehelpfulcomponentsofactivelistening: a.Shownonverballythatyouarelistening. Makesurethatyourpostureshowsopenness.Establisheyecontact. Speakinasoft,wellmodulated,nonthreateningtoneofvoice. b.Reflect. Restatewhatyouhearfromtheperson.Example:ThisiswhatIheard fromyou:Youaremadbecausethepackagedidnotarriveontime. Youcanalsomirrorbacktheirbodylanguageinatentativebutobjective, nonjudgmentalfashion.Example:Icanseethatyourereallyupset.You areclaspingthedeskverytightly. c.Clarify. Helpthepersonmakesenseoftheirgarbled,confusingand/orillogical statements.Couldyouhelpmeexplaintomeabitmoreaboutwhat happenedinthecafeteria?Whatdoyoumeanbyhebulliedyou? 2.INCREASEPERSONALSPACE. Angercanescalateifapersonfeelsthatheisbeingstifled.Makesureyourbody languageisnonthreatening.Createdistancebetweenyouandtheperson.
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3.HELPTHEPERSONRECOVERASENSEOFCONTROL. Angrypeoplemayfeelvictimizedbyasituation,andmayneedtorecoverevena smallsenseofcontrol.Youcanhelpdothisby: a.Givingthemchoices. Example:Wouldyouliketomovetoadifferentareaandtalk? b.Seekingtheirpermissiontospeak. Example:MayItellwhatIthinkaboutwhatjusthappened? c.Focusingonimmediatesolutions. Example:Whatdoyouthinkwecandotodaytohelpsolvethisissue? 4.ORIENTTHEMTOIMMEDIACY. Peopletemporarilylosestrackoftheirimmediatesurroundingsattheheightof gettingoverwhelmed.Orientingthepersontothetime,hislocation,andwhohe iswithcanhelpdeescalateaperson.Ithelpsapersonfeellessthreatenedifhe knowswhereheisandhowhegotthere.Thegoalalsoistoshifthimfrom attendingtohisoverwhelmingfeelingstorecoveringrationality. 5.INVITECRITICISM Asktheangrypersontovoicehisorhercriticismofyourselforthesituationmore fully.Youmightsaysomethinglike,"Goahead.Tellmeeverythingthathasyou upset.Don'tholdanythingback.Iwanttohearallyouhavetosay." 6. AGREEIFPOSSIBLE.IFNOT,AGREETODISAGREE. Therearecaseswhenangeristriggeredbyalegitimategrievance.Inthesecases, itcanhelpapersonlosesteambyhearingsomeonevalidatethepresenceof injustice.Attheveryleast,agreeingthatapersonhasarighttotheopinionthey havecanhelpdeescalateanger.
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7.REITERATEYOURSUPPORT. Emphasizeyourwillingnesstohelp.Example:Okay.Idontknowhowthisthing couldhavehappened,butyouhavemyassurancethatIllstaywithyouuntilwe figureitout. 8.SETLIMITS. Tellthepersonthatyouarewillingtolisten,butyoudappreciatethatthetones downtheexpressionofhisanger. Exampleis:Imlisteningrightnow.Idliketotalk,butwithouttheshouting. Whenyoushoutitisdistracting,andifthisissueisimportanttoyou,thenIwant tobeabletoconcentratewithouthearingyouraiseyourvoice.Canwestart again?HowdidIupsetyou?

WhentoBackAwayandWhattoDoNext Notallangryreactionscanbeeffectivelydealtwith.Hereare situationswhenitismoreadvisabletobackaway: 1. Whenyouaretooaffectedbyanissuetoviewitobjectively. Deescalatingangerrequiresthatyoucantakeyourselfoutofan issue,eventemporarily,andlookatitobjectively.However,iftheissuehaspersonal meaningforus,orwearetootiredtoproperlyintervene,thenwedonthavethe resourcestodeescalatetheanger. WHATTODO:Withdrawfromthesituationandtalktosomeoneyoutrustabout yourownfeelings. 2. Whentherearewarningsignsforverbaland/orphysicalviolence. Yourpriorityisalwaysyourwellbeingandsafety. Warningsignsforviolenceincludeahistoryofviolentbehavior,severeragefor seeminglyminorreasons,possessionofweaponsandthreatsofviolence. WHATTODO:Getasfarawayfromthepersonasyoucan!Gotoapublicplace.
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3. Whenthereisinfluenceofmoodalteringsubstances. Nodeescalatingtechniquecanhelpyoudealwithapersonwhohastakenalcohol andmoodalteringdrugs(bothlegale.g.someantidepressants,andillegale.g. hallucinogens). WHATTODO:Disengagefromtheconversationandtalktothemwhentheyre sober! 4. Whennoamountofrationalinterventionseemstowork. Therearemomentswhenapersonishellbentonraging,andtheangerwillescalate regardlessofwhatinterventionyouuse.Itispossiblethatthestrengthoftheanger issignificantlymorethanthepersonsresourcestocope.Thisissignaledbya tendencyfortheangertostilltakeoffevenafterslowingdownandcoolingdown, despitetheabsenceofprovocation. WHATTODO:Disengagefromtheconversationandreschedulethetalkforanother time. 5. Whentherearesignsofseriousmentalhealthconditions. WhiletherearenocategoriesofangerdisordersintheDiagnosticalManualof MentalDisordersIV(thereferenceofmostmentalhealthprofessionals),some seriousmentalhealthconditionsarerelatedtoanger.Inthesecases,intensive therapyand/orpsychiatricmedicationsmaybemostappropriate.Asarule,people whosufferimpairmentofrealitytestingcannotbeexpectedtoberationalor reasonable. Signstowatchoutfor:persecutoryorparanoiddelusions,hallucinations,past historyofviolencebasedondelusions. Chronicandrigidpatternsoftheuseofangerascopingmechanismmaypointtoa personalitydisorder. WHATTODO:Compassionateunderstandingiskey!However,disengageyourself immediatelyassomepsychoticsymptomsarecorrelatedwithatendencytowards violence.Refertotheappropriatementalhealthprofessional.

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Ifyoudonotwishtobepronetoanger,do notfeedthehabit.Giveitnothingwhich maytendtoitsincrease. Epictetus ModuleEleven:PullingItAllTogether

Wevenowcometotheconclusionofourworkshop.Sofar,wevepresentedtoyou differenttechniquesthatcanhelpyoumanageyourangerbetter.Inthismodule,we willshowhowthesedifferenttechniquescometogether.Wewillalsogiveadditional tipstohelpyouinpracticingtheseangermanagementtechniquesmoreeffectively.

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ProcessOverview Thefollowingdiagramisasummaryofalltheangermanagementtechniquesdiscussed inthisworkshop.Thetechniquescanbesummarizedintofourmainsteps:beinformed, beselfaware,takecontrolandtakeaction.

BEINFORMED Know *theangercycle *thefightand flightresponse *dosand dontsofanger management

BESELFAWARE Study *yourwarning signs *yourhotbuttons *yourhelpful waysofdealing withanger *yourunhelpful waysofdealing withanger

TAKECONTROL *usecoping thoughts *tryrelaxation techniques *blowoff steam

TAKEACTION *Alter,Accept, Avoid *Identifythe problem *Disagree constructively *Negotiate *Findasolution, Buildaconsensus *Makeaplan,Getit done *Deescalatethe otherpersonsanger *Backawaywhen needed

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PuttingItintoAction

Thefollowingaretipsinputtingangermanagementtechniques intoaction: 1. Findyourmotivation Aswithanyplantowardsbehavioralchange,ithelpstosustainyourmotivation. Habitsarehardtobreakandunlessthereissomethingstrongthatcaninspire youtochange,youreffortsmaynotgetfollowedthrough.Sofindyour motivation!Youcanrememberanegativeeffectofangerinyourlife,suchas healthproblemsorpoorqualityofrelationships,anduseittoencourage.You mayalsopicturehowthingscouldbedifferentifyoucanmanageyouranger better. 2. Chooseonlyonechangeatatime. Dontexpectchangetohappenovernight.Afterall,thesemaybelifetimehabits thatyouaretryingtochange.Instead,sticktomanagingoneissueatatime. Developgoalsthatarerealistic,otherwiseyoumightjustendupfrustrating yourself. 3. Rewardyourselfforyoursuccesses. Ifyouvesuccessfullymanagedtochange,affirmyourself!Anysuccess,nomatter howsmall,showsthatyouarecapable. 4. Chooseanaccountabilitypartner. Ithelpstonotkeepyourgoalstoyourself.Instead,selectatrustedfriendwho knowswhatyouaretryingtoaccomplish.Thisfriendcanencourageyouwhen youneedadditionalmotivation,canspuryoutoactionwhenyourelagging,and cancheckifyouareworkingatthepaceyoupromisedyouwould. 5. Seekamentalhealthprofessional. Ifyourereallystrugglingwithangerproblems,oryoujustneedadditionalsupport, remember:youcanalwaysseekamentalhealthprofessional.Counselors,therapists andpsychiatristarealltrainedtoaddressangeranditsimpactonyourlife.

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Thisfeeling,finally,thatwemaychange thingsthisisatthecentreofeverything weare.Losethat...loseeverything. SirDavidHare

ModuleTwelve:WrappingUp Althoughthisworkshopiscomingtoaclose,wehopethatyourjourneytoimproveyour angermanagementskillsisjustbeginning. WordsfromtheWise YOGIBERRA:Intheorythereisnodifferencebetweentheoryandpractice.In practicethereis. DWIGHTEISENHOWER:Plansarenothing;planningiseverything. JONASSALK:Therewardforworkwelldoneistheopportunitytodomore. ANGERMANAGEMENT Acceptthatmostthingsintheworldareoutofyourcontrol Acceptthatitisyourchoicetogetangryaboutthings Noonemakesyouangryunlessyouletthem Lifeisunfair Noonelikestobearoundanangryperson Takestockofyourself.Whatdoyouwant? Youshouldsmilemore.Yourfacewontbreak

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HowtoShortCircuittheAngerCycle ThoughtsThinkthroughthesituation FeelingsRememberangerisnotunusual AngerArousalThink BehaviorsTakecontrol AngerActionUsetheenergypositively VerbalTalkthroughtheproblem PhysicalConstructiveactivity SelfcareExercise,sauna,reading,music,etc.

Healthy
I can deal with my feelings I believe I can help I made a mistake, Ill learn from it Good for him. He deserved to win

Unhealthy
Everybody uses me Im worthless Ill never get it right That should have been me

13

Pleasetakeamomenttoreviewandupdateyouractionplan.Thiswillbeakeytoolto guideyourprogressinthedays,weeks,months,andyearstocome.
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QuickReferenceGuide TheCycleofAnger
1. TheTriggerPhase Thetriggerphasehappenswhenweperceiveathreatorloss,andourbodypreparesto respond.Inthisphase,thereisasubtlechangefromanindividualsnormal/adaptivestate intohisstressedstate. 2. TheEscalationPhase Intheescalationphase,thereistheprogressiveappearanceoftheangerresponse.Inthis phase,ourbodypreparesforacrisisafterperceivingthetrigger.Thispreparationismostly physical,andismanifestedthroughsymptomslikerapidbreathing,increasedheartrate andraisedbloodpressure. 3. TheCrisisPhase Aspreviouslymentioned,theescalationphaseisprogressive,anditisinthecrisisphase thattheangerreactionreachesitspeak.Inthecrisisphaseourbodyisonfullalert, preparedtotakeactioninresponsetothetrigger. 4.TheRecoveryPhase Therecoveryphasehappenswhentheangerhasbeenspent,oratleastcontrolled,and thereisnowasteadyreturntoapersonsnormal/adaptivestate.Inthisstage,reasoning andawarenessofonesselfreturns. 5.TheDepressionPhase Thedepressionphasemarksareturntoapersonsnormal/adaptiveways.Physically,this stagemarksbelownormalvitalsigns,suchasheartrate,sothatthebodycanrecover equilibrium.

UnhelpfulWaysofDealingwithAnger
1.DONTignoretheanger. 2.DONTkeeptheangerinside. 3.DONTgetaggressive. 4.PassiveDONTgetpassiveaggressive. 5.DONTusenonconstructive communicationstyles.

HelpfulWaysofDealingwithAnger
1.DOacknowledgethatyouareangry. 2.DOcalmyourselfbeforeyousayanything. 3.DOspeakup,whensomethingisimportant toyou. 4.DOexplainhowyourefeelinginamanner thatshowsownershipandresponsibilityfor youranger.

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ConstructiveDisagreement
Elementsofaconstructivedisagreement: SOLUTIONFOCUS.Thedisagreementaimstofindaworkablecompromiseattheendofthe discussion. MUTUALRESPECT.Evenifthetwopartiesdonotagreewithoneanother,courtesyisalwaysa priority. WINWINSOLUTION.Constructivedisagreementisnotgearedtowardsgettingtheoneupon theotherperson.Thepremiumisalwaysonfindingasolutionthathasbenefitsforboth parties. REASONABLECONCESSIONS.Inconstructivedisagreement,partiesareopentomaking reasonableconcessionsforthenegotiationtomoveforward. LEARNINGFOCUS.Partiesinconstructivedisagreementseeconflictsasopportunitiestoget feedbackonhowwellasystemworks,sothatnecessarychangescanbemade.Theyalso seeitasachallengetobeflexibleandcreativeincomingupwithsolutionsforeveryones gain.

IdentifyingtheProblem
STEPONE:Getasmuch informationasyoucanwhythe otherpartyisupset. STEPTWO:Surfacetheother personsposition.Reframethis positionintoaproblemstatement. STEPTHREE:Reviewyourown position.Stateyourpositionina problemstatementaswell. STEPFOUR:Havingheardboth positions,definetheproblemina mutuallyacceptableway.

TripleAApproach
Alter:Altermeansthatyouinitiatechange. Changenonproductivehabits. Respectfullyaskotherstochange theirbehaviorandbewillingtodothe same. 3. Changethewayyouviewasituation. 4. Changethewayyoureacttoa situation. Avoid:Avoidmeanssteeringclearofsituations thatcanmakeyouangry. 1.Steerclearofpeoplewhomakeyou upset. 2.Steerclearofyourhotbuttons. 3.Removeyourselffromastressful situationimmediately. Accept:Findlearning,Seekhigherpurposeor venttoafriend. 1. 2.

NegotiationTips
1.Notesituationalfactorsthatcan influencethenegotiationprocess. Prepare! 2.Communicateclearlyandeffectively. 3.Focusontheprocessaswellasthe content. 4.Keepanopenmind.
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 RecommendedReadingList
Cava,R.(1990).DealingwithDifficultPeople:ProvenStrategiesforHandlingStrssfulSituationsand DefusingTensions.Piatkus. Gottlieb,M.M.(1999).TheAngrySelf:AComprehensiveApproachtoAngerManagement.Zeig, TuckerandCo. Kassinove,H.&Tafrate,R.(2007).AngerManagement.ImpactPublishers Kriesberg,L.(2004).ConstructiveConflicts:FromEscalationtoResolution.RowmanandLittlefield Publishers. Nay,W.R.(2004).TakingChargeofAnger:HowtoResolveConflicts,SustainRelationshipsand ExpressYourselfwithoutLosingControl.TheGuilfordPress. Schiraldi,G.R.&Kerr,M.H.(2002).TheAngerManagementSourcebook.McGrawHill.

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