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Phantom of the Opera in Fifteen Minutes

Some Black-and-White Frame Story

[A nurse wheels Vicomte Raoul de Chagny into the decrepit old opera house for an auction. We know shes an official nurse because she has a gigantic stork-like white nurse hat. A woman, who is clearly either Madame or Meg Giry because she is played by Miranda Richardson, recognizes Raoul, but does not go to him.]

AUCTIONEER: Lets seeLot 665, one creepy-ass ugly monkey found in the Opera vaults. Any takers?

SOME MADAME GIRY: Me, me!

RAOUL: Mmmmf.

RAOULS NURSE: Him, him!

AUCTIONEER: Sold! To the ancient gentleman with the Flying Nun. Moving on to Lot 666, the Broken Chandelier OF DOOM 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com ASSISTANT: And exposition.

AUCTIONEER: OF DOOM AND EXPOSITION!

SOME GUY IN THE BACK: Why in the hell would anyone want to buy a giant broken chandelier?

AUCTIONEER: Its a piece of history that figures in a deep and tragic mystery! Also, we wired it with electric bulbs. Look, it goes from cold to bombast in five seconds!

[Apparently the chandelier is also a time machine, because we are blasted back into 1870, a halcyon time marked by its love of garish opulence and naked gold women. LOUDLY.]

Hannibal Rehearsals

[Judging by the costumes, Hannibal apparently crossed the Alps on several Raggedy Ann dolls after he ate all the elephants.]

LEFEVRE: These are the two new managers, Firmin Something and Andre Whats-His-Name, and this is our new patron the Vicomte de Chagny. I am leaving because this whole freakshow is giving me ulcers. Best of luck, break a leg, enjoy your phantom, au revoir!

FIRMIN: Whoa, check out the blonde with the headlights.

MADAME GIRY: Zat ees mah DOTTAIR.

FIRMIN: Oh. Well, what about the hot brunette?

MADAME GIRY: Zhe es LAIK mah dottair. 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com ANDRE: Hey, were all French, right?

FIRMIN: Last time I checked, yes.

ANDRE: Well, then why is she the only one with a French accent?

RAOUL: Yeah, yeah, wonderful rehearsal, I gots to jet. Heres 500 francs, call someone who cares.

[The women discuss the exiting Hotness de Chagny:]

CHRISTINE: He didnt even recognize me! Sigh. We were total childhood sweethearts, and we used to play together and everything, and he used to call me

MADAME GIRY: Christie?

MEG: Chrissy?

MADAME GIRY: Tina?

MEG: Chris?

CHRISTINE: Lotte!

LA FAMILLE GIRY:

[Meanwhile]

FIRMIN: Please, we grovel on our knees and kiss your satin ass, Carlotta. Please sing for us already, because its kind of dirty down here

ANDRE: And I have arthritis!

CARLOTTA Fine-a. I singa for you. 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com Thinka me, thinka me fondleEeEeEeE, when we'va saida goodBYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

A FALLING BACKDROP: *puts everyone out of their misery*

FIRMIN: Oh, thank God.

A FALLING BACKDROP: Dont mention it.

CARLOTTA: YOU INSULTA MAH GENIUS! I LEAF AND MAH DOGGEH LEAF TOO! SCREWA YOU ALLA!

ANDRE [whacking Firmin upside head]: Great, now we cant have our gala tonight.

MADAME GIRY: Christine can zing eet. P.S. Ze opra ghost wants is paysheck.

FIRMIN: Youre sure? Well, start from the beginning of the aria, then.

CONDUCTOR: I cant find any aria.

ANDRE: The beginning of the overwritten pop ballad, whatever.

[Christine can totally sing it. She blows everyone away, and we dissolve to]

Some Gala Performance

[Christine going to Opera Town on the ballad.] 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com MADAME GIRY: I am zo glad Empress Sisis hand-me-downs fit er.

Some Gothic Little Chapel

MEG: Wow, you were great! Whos your voice teacher?

CHRISTINE: Well, you know, my dead father said he would send me an angel, so Ive been praying, and you know what? He did! The angel hides in my closet and sings to me! 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com

MEG: Hon? I think you may be wrong in the head.

Christines Dressing Room

RAOUL: Lotte!

CHRISTINE: Raoul!

RAOUL: Baby, you were so great. Dinners on me.

CHRISTINE: Oh, I couldnt possibly go out this late. You see, Ive been visited by the Angel of Music.

RAOUL: Sure you were, baby.

CHRISTINE: No, really, I was! In a completely literal and non-metaphorical way!

RAOUL: You just put on something nice and Ill be right back.

CHRISTINE: Butwell, there he goes. Well, what should I wear for dinner? I knowa dressing gown that shows off my new lace garters! 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com [Outside, the Phantom locks Christines door while Madame Giry stands guard, essentially pimping out her almost-daughter. Ew. Back inside:]

ANGEL OF MUSIC: RAAAAA!

CHRISTINE: Oh shit.

ANGEL OF MUSIC: Babyface back there better STEP OFF if he knows whats good for him.

CHRISTINE: Im sorry I didnt mean to fraternize with boys please dont leave me!

RAOUL [outside, banging on door]: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN THERE?

CHRISTINE: Come to me and hide no longer, Angel! 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com RAOUL: ARE YOU IN THERE WITH SOME VAMPIRE?

[But Raoul is too late, because the mirror has opened and Christine has been pulled through by an angel in formal wear. And a mask. Well, half a mask.]

INCREDIBLY '80S MUSIC: DUHHHHHH! DUNDUNDUNDUN DUHHHHHHH!

CHRISTINE: Wow, I had no idea all these gold candelabra arms were right behind my room.

THE ANGEL OF MUSIC: Yeah, I got em cheap off some beast. You like?

[The Angel then takes her through the opera house basement on a horse, then by a ferry, then a stagecoach, then a steamboat, then a biplane with a layover in the fourth cellar, and finally to a gondola. They are serenaded by electric guitars and waterproof candles.]

CHRISTINE: Are we there yet?

THE PHANTOM: No.

CHRISTINE: Are we there yet?

THE PHANTOM: No.

CHRISTINE: Will we get there any faster if I flash all of my thigh and possibly more? 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com THE PHANTOM: Yes.

Some Underground Lair

[He takes her to an underground lair looking suspiciously ripped off the set for I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Cant Remember the Rest of This Title). There, she is touched by an angel. Of music. A lot. At this point in the book, Christine realizes that the angel is just some mortal weirdo and freaks out. Movie! Christine doesnt seem to make this distinction for at least another hour. We will start calling him The Phantom anyway.]

THE PHANTOM: Welcome to my lair! Let me show you around!

CHRISTINE: Wow!

THE PHANTOM: My Wall of Crazy!

CHRISTINE: Ooo!

THE PHANTOM: My terrifyingly detailed Opera House dioramas and voodoo dolls!

CHRISTINE: I like the colors!

THE PHANTOM: And heres my cherished My First Wedding Christine doll! Look, its life-size! 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com CHRISTINE: WAHHHH. [faints]

THE PHANTOM: Oh dear.

Christines Dressing Room

MEG: Christine? You in here? Hey whats with the mirror? Its a door and its a two-way mirror! Well, clearly I have got to track down this pervert even though Im still in my tutu.

[The passage looks nothing like the one Christine saw. In fact, its kind of dark and slimy.]

A RAT: Hey, baby.

MEG: AHHHHHHHHHH!

MADAME GIRY: Marguerite! You weel leave ze passazh alone, please!

MEG: But Christine is missing! And theres this total peeping Tom mirror door thing, and shes probably been kidnapped by some stalky jerkwad! 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com MADAME GIRY: And your point ees?

Wherever It Is That the Dancers Hang Out

BUQUET THE STAGEHAND: And in the book, hes got a hole where his nose ought to be, and his hands are cold and hes like a cadaver all over! 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com SOME DANCER: But what about in the movie?

BUQUET: In the movie? Hes got a terrible third degree SUNBURN!

THE DANCERS: *scream and faint dead away*

Over in 1919

METHUSELAH RAOUL [clutching monkey box]: Mmmmf.

SOME MADAME GIRY: Awww! The Vicomte remembers me!

Some Underground Lair

CHRISTINE [waking up]: What the crap is this musical monkey box? And Im in a swan bed? Whatever. So. Lets see. I remember a lot of candles

A LOT OF CANDLES: *flicker*

CHRISTINE: a horse

HORSE: Neigh, baby.

CHRISTINE: And a big lake, and a boat and some guy.

THE PHANTOM: [writing music]: Mornin.

[She goes over to the Phantom and touches his face and he seems to dig it.]

CHRISTINE: So, Im gonna take your mask off.

THE PHANTOM: Okay.

CHRISTINE: Peeling it off as we speak.

2005 Cleolinda Jones . All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com THE PHANTOM: Ten-four.

CHRISTINE: Its totally coming off.

THE PHANTOM: Sure, have a party.

THE MASK: *comes off*

THE PHANTOM: OMG YOU TRAMPSLUT WHOREBITCH HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

CHRISTINE: But Iyou said

THE PHANTOM: YOU CAN NEVER EVER LEAVE MY BATCAVE NOW THAT YOU HAVE SEEN MY ACCURSED RADIATION BURNS!

CHRISTINE: I dontits justits not even that much of your face!

THE PHANTOM: *fumes*

CHRISTINE: *cries*

THE PHANTOM: Whatever. I guess its time to take you back now.

The Lobby of the Opera

ANDRE: Carlotta wont sing and Christine has gone missing and we have NO CAST.

FIRMIN: Hey, its all publicity, and publicity is worth its weight in naked gold women.

ANDRE: NO. CAST.

FIRMIN: Oh, by the way, whyd you send me this stupid note?

ANDRE: Send you a note? You sent ME a note!

RAOUL: Both of you sent ME a note! 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved . cleolinda.livejournal.com CARLOTTA: ME AND MAH DOGGEH TOO!

EVERYONE: Wait, what?

ANDRE: My note says Fire Carlotta!

FIRMIN: My note says Pony up my cash!

RAOUL: My note says Keep your filthy mitts off Christine! 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com CARLOTTA: Mah nota say, You suck, and so do the doggeh!

MADAME GIRY: Look, ze Phantome zends you ze notes. And ere e zends anothair: Make Christine ze lead tonight, or Ah make oo zorry. And put zat cow Carlotta in ze zilent hrole.

ANDRE: Oh, WHATEVER.

CARLOTTA: I do notta sing where I am notta wanted.

FIRMIN: Oh, come on, Carlotta! Everyone loves you! Look outside!

SCREAMING CROWD: WE LOVE YOU, CHRISTINE!

CARLOTTA: I hate-a you alla so verreh, verreh much.

MADAME GIRY: Eet ees all hright, because Christine as come ome, and zhe can zing eet.

CARLOTTA: WHATTA TIME IS THE SHOW?

Il Muto, Later That Night

[Il Muto seems to be about a giant pink poodle-lady who may or may not be having an affair with a page boy who may or may not be an actual boy, played by an actual girl (Christine). People watching the movie who have never seen a real opera make a note not to start going now. We know that the Phantom is going to wreak havoc on the show because we have seen him playing with his Opera Dollhouse of Crazy.]

CARLOTTA [shoving Christine]: Outta mah way, toad!

THE PHANTOM [backstage]: GRUMBLE GRUMBLE TOAD RASSAFRASSIN GRUMBLE

CARLOTTA: I am so gladda to have my throata spritz!

[The Phantom has switched Carlottas throat spray with something ass-nasty. Lets see if she notices.]

CARLOTTA: *spritz spritz* It taste-a little different tonighta, but AHHHHOOOOAAAAACKKKKUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHA!

CAST OF IL MUTO: Flee the stage! Run for your lives!

FIRMIN: THE BALLET! PUT ON THE BALLET!

STAGEHAND: Bring out the dramatic sheep!

2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com ANDRE: NO, YOU FOOL! THE COMEDY SHEEP! BRING OUT THE COMEDY SHEEP!

THE DANCERS: *prance*

THE COMEDY SHEEP: *baa*

[Meanwhile, the Phantom is up in the rafters playing cat and mouse with Buquet.]

THE PHANTOM: Quick as a cat! Quick as a cat!I NOOSE YOU!

BUQUET: *falls dead onto the stage*

THE AUDIENCE: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

THE PHANS: OMG WHERE IS THE FALLING CHANDELIER?!

FIRMIN: No panicking and no refunds! What, are you going to let a little murder get in the way of your high culture? SIT BACK DOWN!

ANDRE: Christine Daa will play La Carlottas role after a brief intermission! SIT DOWN!

The Roof of the Opera House

RAOUL: Why did you drag me up here?

CHRISTINE: Because the Phantom will kill you if he sees you with me!

RAOUL: Oh, shpfff. Theres no Phantom.

[The Phantom who does not exist is watching them from behind a statue.]

CHRISTINE: Yuh-huh! We had a sleepover and everything! Ive seen his face, Raoul!

RAOUL: OMG YOU SAW HIS FACE?

CHRISTINE: It was terrible!

RAOUL: How terrible?

CHRISTINE: Well not really all that terrible, it wasnt even his whole faceit wasnt even really half his face

RAOUL: IT SOUNDS SO TERRIBLE.

CHRISTINE: And I mean, really, its not like hes a leper or anything really, you could just have him sleep on the right side of the bed and hed look just fine if you were lying on the other side really fine 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com RAOUL: YOU MUST BE TRAUMATIZED. TELL ME YOU ARE TRAUMATIZED.

CHRISTINE: Well, there was that whole murder thing just now.

RAOUL: Atta girl! I will love you and marry you and hold you and protect you and spend my whole life keeping you AWAY FROM HIM.

CHRISTINE: Awww! Thats so sweet.

THE PHANTOM: GRRRRRRRRR.

CHRISTINE: What was that?

RAOUL: I dont know and I dont care.

[Raoul and Christine kiss.]

THE PHANTOM [sobbing]: I will have my revenge!

[A lot.] 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com THE PHANTOM [sniffling]: Okay, now youre just rubbing it in.

Il Muto, Three Hours Later

ANDRE: And Im sure Mademoiselle Daa will be here any minute now. Aaaaaany minute now 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com

Over in 1919

UGLY MONKEY BOX: Hes still old. Im still creepy.

METHUSELAH RAOUL: Mmmmf.

UGLY MONKEY CYMBALS: *ching ching*

Some Masquerade

[Firmin wears ram horns and Andre has a rooster hat. Carlotta goes as Boobzilla.]

CHRISTINE: Hmm. Everyones dressed in black and and white and gold. I think my giant pink dress will blend in just fine, particularly if neither of us wear masks, even though were on the downlow.

RAOUL: Why must we sneak around like this, Christine? 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda. livejournal.com CHRISTINE: Our engagement must be secret, Raoul! I knowIll hide the big sparkly ring in my cleavage! No one EVER looks there!

[Suddenly, the lights drop and the music goes evil and the Phantom enters dressed as the Red Death, or the Spanish Inquisition, or something.]

THE PHANTOM: NO ONE EVER EXPECTS ME!

[The Phantom has brought a copy of his masterpiece, which he hands to the terrified managers. He draws his sword and starts taunting various party guests.]

THE PHANTOM: Lets see Managers: idiots Carlotta: stupid cow Who are you? I dont even know your name.

SOME OPERA SINGER GUY: P-P-P-Piangi, sir.

THE PHANTOM [poking with sword]: Oh, thats right. Well, youre a tubby bitch.

RAOUL: OMG SWORD! I KNEW I FORGOT SOMETHING!

CHRISTINE: RAOUL, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? YOU COME BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!

THE PHANTOM: Oh, and the lovely Christine, who would be a perfect lead for my opera except for the fact that she is a CHEATING WHORE who prefers the Missing Hanson Brother to me. 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal. com RAOUL [running back in]: I KEEL YOU!

[The Phantom grabs the engagement ring off the chain around Christines neck and disappears in a blast of fire that apparently comes from a giant opening in the floor that no one ever noticed before. Raoul leaps in after him. He finds himself in a hall of mirrors]

RAOUL: Well, its more like a small room, really.

[and the Phantom taunts him]

THE PHANTOM: HA HA!

[but Raoul just swings and misses over and over again.]

MADAME GIRY: Oh, for ze love of God, get out of ere.

RAOUL: Where did you come from?

MADAME GIRY: Zat door hright zere. 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda. livejournal.com SIGN ON THE DOOR: Open in Case of Emergency or Plot Dead-End.

MADAME GIRY: Come on, I weel tell you all.

Madame Girys Room

RAOUL: So, whats the deal?

MADAME GIRY: Well, zere was zees traveling circus and stuff, and all ze little ballerinas went to zee eet, and Erik

RAOUL: Whos Erik?

MADAME GIRY: You know, ze Phantome.

RAOUL: Oh.

MADAME GIRY: Anyway, Erik was zere, and

RAOUL: Hey, is that Swedish?

MADAME GIRY: How ze hell zhould I know? Lanyhoodle, zey ad im caged up as a fhreak 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com RAOUL: With a c or with a k?

MADAME GIRY: LOOK, DO YOU WANT TO HEAR ZE STORY OR NOT?

RAOUL: Sorry, sorry.

MADAME GIRY: ANYWAY. Erik was being eld ostazh in Ze Elephant Man and I boosted im out and id im in ze Opra and es been zere in ze cellars ever zince. Fin, finito, ze end. You happy?

The Opera Stable

CHRISTINE: Do you think this dress is low-cut enough for a trip to my fathers grave? 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com CARRIAGE DRIVER: DADDY ISSUES AHOY!

[When Christine isnt looking, the Phantom sneaks up, clocks the driver, and takes his place.]

THE PHANTOM: And if I hold my hood up to my mask with one hand and drive with the other, shell never, ever notice!

CHRISTINE: Honestly? I probably wont.

[Five minutes later, Raoul wakes up in a chair outside Christines room and notices that shes gone.]

RAOUL: OMG! WHERE DID THEY GO?

CARRIAGE DRIVER [rubbing bonked head]: Damn if I know! She was wearing a boobtastic black dress, thats all I know.

RAOUL: TO HER FATHERS GRAVE!

[Raoul turns and gets a quick primp in, courtesy of some reflective surface nearby. Lets say its a window.]

CARRIAGE DRIVER: Youre going to go dressed like that? In just an open shirt? 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com RAOUL [fluffing hair, arranging open collar]: Theres no time to get a coat, man! [Leaping on white stallion bareback:] To the cemetery, Snowflake! Away!

Some Graveyard with Classy, Classy Naked Statues

CHRISTINE [singing sadly]:

You were once my bosom companion but now my tears wet lots of tissues.

2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com You were once my dad and best friend but now youre dead and Ive got daddy issues.

VOICE FROM THE DAA TOMB: Christine! Come to me!

CHRISTINE: Daddy? Is that you?

VOICE FROM THE DAA TOMB: Sure, if thats your kink.

[Raoul rides up, leaps off his white charger, and tosses his hair urgently.]

RAOUL: Christine! Thats not your dad! Thats just the Phantom!

VOICE FROM THE DAA TOMB: NO ITS NOT! IM TOTALLY HER DAD! DADDY LOVES YOU, CHRISTINE!

RAOUL: Oh, COME ON, Christine! You hung out with this guy! You fell in love with his stupid voice! You ought to be able to recognize it!

CHRISTINE: Well, it does sound kind of familiar

RAOUL: And you saw his face, right?

CHRISTINE: Well yeah I mean he bears kind of a passing resemblance to my father I mean, aside from the giant Sunburn of Doom He really looked like my dad when we were singing about the Music of the Night and he was running his hands all over me. 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com RAOUL: YOU ARE WRONG IN THE HEAD.

THE PHANTOM: I KEEL YOU, FABIO!

[The Phantom leaps out of his hiding place on the tomb and jumps on Raoul, and they start running around the cemetery, clashing swords and desecrating graves.]

CHRISTINE: Hey, you guys?

RAOUL: *STABBITY!*

CHRISTINE: You guys!

THE PHANTOM: *SLASHITY!*

CHRISTINE: Its kind of cold out here

FANFIC WRITERS: Did someone say SLASH?

CHRISTINE: My boobs are kinda getting frostbitten, could we

SWORDS: *CLANG!*

CHRISTINE: could we wrap this up sometime soon

THE PHANTOM: I NICK YOU, FABIO! 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda .livejournal.com RAOUL: AUGH! THAT WAS MY PREENING ARM!

[Enraged, Raoul gets the upper hand and throws the Phantom to the ground, but cant quite bring himself to kill him, because he is a puss.]

CHRISTINE: Come on, Raoul, lets just go home.

RAOUL: Butbut I could kill him right now! I mean, if I tried really hard!

CHRISTINE: But if you do that, the movie is over, and Ive got at least three more costume changes to get through.

RAOUL: Really? Do they have cleavage?

CHRISTINE: Beyond your wildest dreams.

RAOUL: Well, saddle up and lets go!

THE PHANTOM: THIS IS WAAAAAAAAR!

Raoul Hatches a Brilliant Plan

RAOUL: Okay, you guys? Ive just had the best idea ever. Lets actually stage the Phantoms stupid opera and put Christine up there on stage and then hell come for sure, butwaitwait for itwell have umpteen hundred police dudes with, like, muskets and shit waiting for him. 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal .com FIRMIN: And if we had any idea how he sneaks in and out of the theater, or where any of his superninja trapdoors are, that might actually work.

RAOUL: I told you it was good.

Over in 1919

UGLY MONKEY BOX: What are you looking at me for? Look, Ill call you when something happens.

Some Gothic Little Chapel

CHRISTINE: Raoul, please dont make me do this. Hes probably just going to kidnap me again and besides, your plan really sucks.

RAOUL: IT DOES NOT!

CHRISTINE: And if he kidnaps me again, Im going to be stuck down there forever getting sexed up until the end of time, or until one of us dies from the massive amounts of constant, 24-7, dayand-night sexing. 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights re served. cleolinda.livejournal.com RAOUL: Hell probably make you sing, too.

CHRISTINE: So what time does the show start?

Don Juan Triumphant

[The Phantoms masterpiece is being staged with Christine dressed as a sexy, sexy peasant. Umpteen hundred police dudes with, like, muskets and shit are waiting in the shadows for him. Onstage, theres a bunch of dancing and crap and I dont know why Carlotta is involved in this at all.]

PIANGI!DON JUAN: You will dress up as me, Passarino, and I will run off with her because she will think I am you and then she will be mine! [Exit Piangi.]

[Backstage:]

PHANTOM!DON JUAN: Oh, I love the smell of irony in the morning.

PIANGI: Evening.

PHANTOM!DON JUAN: Whatever. [Strangles him.]

[The Phantom cruises on stage in his cute little Zorro mask, confident that no one will notice the difference until its too late.]

SOME MIDGET: Hey, isnt our Don Juan short, Italian, and tubby?

CHRISTINE: Oh shit.

THE PHANTOM: I sing of seduction and surrender in a completely non-metaphorical way!

CHRISTINE: I kind of dig this. 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleo linda.livejournal.com THE DREAD PIRATE ROBERTS CORPS DE BALLET: *shimmies*

THE PHANTOM: I sing of really unsubtle metaphors about flames and racing blood and opening buds!

CHRISTINE: Ooo, tell me more.

THE DREAD PIRATE ROBERTS DEATH DANCE TROUPE: *bunny hops*

THE PHANTOM: BE MINE FOREVER AND I WILL CONSUME YOU IN A COMPLETELY NONFIGURATIVE WAY UNTIL THE BREAK OF DAWN!

[Christine deploys her collapsible bodice, leaving her shoulders completely bare.]

RAOUL: *cries*

THE DREAD PIRATE ROBERTS PEP SQUAD: *frugs* 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.live journal.com FIRMIN: Please. Shoot them. Im begging you.

CONSTABLE: Should we shoot the Phantom?

ANDRE: Nah, let him keep going.

CONSTABLE: Buthes on the other side of the stage from Christine. Clear shot. We could totally take him down, man.

ANDRE: Nah, dont worry about it. I mean, its not like he could escape or anything, or has ever done that before.

THE PHANTOM: Wear this ring and be mine FOREVER.

CHRISTINE: Wait, isnt this Raouls ring?

THE PHANTOM: Well yes.

CHRISTINE: So... who does that engage me to, exactly? 2005 Cleo linda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com THE PHANTOM: Well it engages you to wait

CHRISTINE: YOINK!

[Christine rips off the Phantoms cute little Zorro mask, revealing a monster with half his face burned off and his eyelid all messed up and half his hair greying and fallen out despite the fact most of this wasnt covered by the little Zorro mask, and it looked fine two minutes ago.]

CHRISTINE: WHOA!

THE PHANTOM: WAHHHHHHH!

EVERYONE ELSE: OH MY GOD, HES SLIGHTLY UNATTRACTIVE ON ONE SIDE! TO ARMS!

[The Phantom cuts a couple of well-placed ropes, plunging him and Christine through a convenient trapdoor.]

THE PHANTOM: I built it all myself! And I bet youd be impressed, if you werent a TOTAL SLUTBITCH WHORETRAMP.

[And then the giant chandelier falls.]

THE PHANS: GOD, FINALLY. 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All r ights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com FIRMIN: Nobody panic!

[There is a stampede, the gas lights on the chandelier explode, and the Opera House bursts into flame.]

ANDRE: EVERYBODY PANIC!

The Opera Cellars

[The Phantom hustles Christine through the underground passages, bitching at her all the way:]

THE PHANTOM: HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!

CHRISTINE: Well, damn, I didnt know all your hair was going to fall off, too!

[Meanwhile, an angry mob is looking for the Phantom. Madame Giry leads Raoul in a different direction.]

MADAME GIRY: I weel take you to Christine. Kip your ands at ze level of your aiz. 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights r eserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com

RAOUL: My who at the level of my what?

MADAME GIRY: I must goit would make too much zense for me to come with you ze hrest of ze way. If I were Perzhian, I would do it, butno. Best of luck!

[Raoul goes deeper into the cellarsand promptly falls into a pit full of water. That has a mechanized grate closing over it. That keeps pushing him under the water. Before he drowns, he swims down to the bottom and find a rusty old wheel that he manages to turn just in time to lift the grate. This scene is kind of pointless.]

The Phantoms Lair

CHRISTINE: Please dont make me wearhey, this is actually a really nice wedding dress.

THE PHANTOM: Too bad youre going to have to look at my HIDEOUS FACE FOR ALL ETERNITY, WHORE. 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com CHRISTINE: Seriously? It wouldnt be that hard if you werent SUCH A WHINY BITCH ABOUT IT.

RAOUL: OH SNAP.

CHRISTINE: Raoul!

[The Phantom opens the gate and allows Raoul to wade into his lair. This should be everybodys first clue that something is afoot.]

THE PHANTOM: Hey, could you stand here by the gate for a moment?

RAOUL: No problem. 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserve d. cleolinda.livejournal.com THE PHANTOM: Awesome. Hold this rope for me while I tie you up with the other one.

RAOUL: Sure thing.

THE PHANTOM: HA HA! I HAVE YOU NOW, VICOMTE!

RAOUL: HEY!

THE PHANTOM: AND NOW I STRANGLE YOU WITH THE OTHER ROPE! 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejourna l.com RAOUL: Ohhhhhh, my hand at the level of my eyesNGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

THE PHANTOM: Marry me or I kill him!

RAOUL: Dont do it ChristiNNNNNGGGGGH!

CHRISTINE: Wait, so if I really love Raoul, Ill marry you?

RAOUL: No, Christine! I fought so hard to set you freeNNNNNGGHHHHH!

CHRISTINE: So I choose you the Phantom kills you and he holds me captive anyway? 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All righ ts reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com THE PHANTOM: MOO HA HA.

CHRISTINE: Hmm. This is a really good excuse to mack on this guy the way Ive wanted to for the whole movie anyway.

THE PHANTOM: What?

CHRISTINE: I KISS YOU! 2005 Cleolinda Jone s. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com [They kiss for, like, five minutes. It is a good kiss.]

RAOUL: WAHHHHHNNNGGGHHHH!

THE PHANTOM: *bursts into tears*

CHRISTINE: Awww! Hes so sensitive!

THE PHANTOM: *sniffle*

CHRISTINE: Why dont you ever cry when I kiss you, Raoul?

RAOUL: What?

THE MOB [in the distance]: WE COME FOR YOU, PHANTOM!

THE PHANTOM: Go, both of you! Forget me! Be happy!

CHRISTINE: But you still have plenty of time to let him go or kill him or whatever

RAOUL: CHRISTINE!

CHRISTINE: And carry me off somewhere!

RAOUL: CHRISTINE! 200 5 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com CHRISTINE: Theyll never find you in here! You could ravish me and everything and no one would be able to stop you. You could totally get away with it!

RAOUL: Oh my GOD.

THE PHANTOM: No, no. The jig, she is up. Go with the man you love and be happy. Get out of here. Beat it. Scram. 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.co m RAOUL: Come on, Christine! Lets go! Ive got his gondola! Hurry!

CHRISTINE: Oh, fine.

The Phantoms Lair, Five Minutes Later

[The Phantom is woefully playing with his monkey.]

UGLY MONKEY BOX: GOD, not like THAT, you pervs.

THE PHANTOM: Christine? You came back?

CHRISTINE: I just wanted to give you the ring. You know. As a token. Of my eternal affection. Yeah. Affection. And my phone number. And my forwarding address. 2005 Cleolinda Jones. Al l rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com THE PHANTOM: Go, Christine! The mob is coming!

RAOUL [throwing Christine over his shoulder]: Oh, for the love of!

CHRISTINE [shouting back to the Phantom]: Dont be a stranger!

[And then the Phantom smashes a bunch of mirrors and sneaks out through a secret passage and the mob comes and Meg Giry finds only his mask left behind. I mean, just so you know.]

Over in 1919

[The Flying Nun wheels the Vicomte through a cemetery to a gravestone that reads, CHRISTINE, COUNTESS DE CHAGNY, BELOVED WIFE AND MOTHER. She has died very recently.]

METHUSELAH RAOUL: Mmmmf.

UGLY MONKEY BOX [woefully]: *ching ching*

[He sets the ugly monkey box down at the gravestone and notices that someone else has been there first. And left a rose. With the engagement ring tied to it.]

METHUSELAH RAOUL: MMMMF! 20 05 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com UGLY MONKEY BOX: OH SNAP. *ching*

FIN.

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