A Failure on My Behalf

Hey, its snowing in Mexico. I scrunched up my nose, giving a confused look to my - for some reason - best friend Adam who was sitting next me. We were sitting on top of my roof like we always are. Weve been up since last night. Yeah, thats right. Slept and have spent half of today out here. No longer got to worry about school; seniors twenty-twelve, bitches. Do they even have winter in Mexico? I thought that was a North America and Antarctica only thing. He shrugged, thinking about it, taking another swig of, uhm, a drink. I dont know. Do I look like a, a Geographer to you? Its summer, man. Were not high schoolers anymore. Dont wanna be thinking about school ever again. Not even college? But then I laughed to myself. Adam? Actually going to college to get a degree and learn? Hed just go for the loose chicks and parties. I nodded in understanding. Right, right. Sorry. But can it even snow there? He shrugged again. Maybe. Google it. So I did. I took out my phone, unlocked the screen and went to the search bar. Can it snow in Mexico? As I waited for it to search, I asked him, Are you still getting those texts from Weather Channel? Thats the only way hed know. He had laid back on a beach towel by now. He nodded, taking another sip. Yep. My moms making me keep tabs on Mexico because she wanted to take a family trip there sometime soon before I have to really start thinking about my future. I involuntarily snorted, shaking my head. Thats cute. Trying to bring you guys closer together when theres obviously no hope. Right? Real adorable have you gotten anything yet? Since I had, I nodded, reading off in a mock business womans voice, Yes, there is snow in some areas of Mexico in the winters. Even now, in August, blah, blah, blah. He laughed, fixing the bill of his Waynes World hat. Im wearing one just like it right now, only backwards, because Im a player. It snows in Alaska, too. what?

You said that snowing is only a North America and Antarctica thing. I dont think Alaska is part of North America. It snows there. A lot. See. He didnt even go to high school to learn either or else hed know Alaska actually is a part of North Americaright? Oh, yeah. I also didnt mention Russia and everywhere else no one cares about. Its pretty cold there. True, you didnt. Just then, I got a text fromsomeone. I didnt even get to open my mouth before Adams was. Lemme guess its your turn to take the kid. Heh. The kid my d to the a to the u to the g to the h to the t to the e to the r. What does that spell? DAUGHTER. YAY UNPROTECTED SEX. I made a weird mocking noise because he was right. Howd you know? Rhetorical question. Yeah. She wants me to meet her at Subway because theyre there right now. God, he groaned, rolling his eyes, infuriatingly. Its not even the first week of summer the first solid day. Were supposed to be off partying like its well, like its summer, because it is! And she cant even wait a while before handing it off to you? Thats lame. It. I sighed, wanting to rip his head off. He always calls her that. Frehley is not an it, and its not lame. She had her for the past month I think almost two. Its my turn. Whatever, he muttered under his breath, sitting up. How are you gonna get there? Want me to give you a ride? I scoffed a *totally* non-demeaning scoff. Yeah, sure, on your handlebars? No, I think Ill manage. He scoffed this time. What, like your piece of shit skateboard is so much better. Hey, now, I stood up to be more intimidating and ended up stretching. Like I said, weve been sitting here all night and some of today. Dont go insulting Element because youre stuck with your fucking Heffy. Hook on a wagon and my boards almost as good as a car. Element is shit, Blake. It chips all the time. Plan B is by far the best. *weird noise* Oh whatever! Plan B boards snap like nothing and its so heavy. Thats because you always do your tricks too hard and on curbs. Its bound to happen with you no matter what board you use. Adam! I groaned into my hands. I dont need this today; I need to be positive or I might throw Frehley under a car. Lets just agree Girl is the sickest brand and be done with it. His eyes went wide as he smiled, nodding in agreement. Ooh. I completely forgot about Girl. Very good. I made my way back over to the window, opening it. Right are you just gonna stay here or?

Well, how long are you gonna be? I refrained from making a joke because that line never gets a rest. (haha.) I shrugged, thinking. Last time was about an hour there and back. And you know how Frehley always wants McDonalds and theres one on the way. Right, right. He inhaled, taking another gulp. Damn, thats a long time. But he didnt get up. He just laid back down, covering up with the towel I was sitting on. Think Ill chill here for a bit, get some brunch. I gotta be back home by one. Its, like, twelve now. Yeah, Ill probably be gone by the time you get back. Alright. I climbed through the window, jumping down onto my bed. Well, if I dont see you any other time today, later, bro. He just waved his hand back at me in the air. Same to you - and its not a Heffy. Its a Trek, much better. Dont really care, I called back, shoving my phone and couple other electronics into my bag that Frehley would love to play with. Were done with this. I threw it on and grabbed my board, slipping out my door before Adam screamed something back and we got into a whole other argument. So yeah. Frehley is my child; shes about three-ish. Almost. Leah is the mother, and I am Blake, the daddy. That was Adam, the douchebag of a friend who always wants to party instead of being responsible for once. (Yeah, Blake and Adam. All we need is a Ders.) True, Im not one to talk; Frehley being proof of that. But Im done with that shit now. Kind of have to be or else Leahs parents would find a way to control my thoughts and Id never be able to even think of the word Frehley. Yeah, no Ace Frehleyand I think thats itwhich sucks because hes obviously a big part of my daily conversations. Oh, and yeah, her names Frehley. Cool, right? (Or just weird?) Well, my dad was actually super duper freakin pissed at me. (Again, yeah, JUST me.) And I swore to him, well, Leah and I did we swore, if he promised not to disown me, wed name her - or he; didnt know at the time Frehley, because Kiss is his favorite band and hes always liked that name, so.yeah. Now, the reason I have to go all the way to the other side of town almost to Covington (the neighboring city) - just to see my own flesh and blood is because right after this whole situation happened and Leahs parents found out like, before I did they were all Hell no, we should just move now three cities over. Do you think thats far enough? I dont think that little rapscallion is really that committed to his girlfriend of at the time almost a year and theyre unborn kiddo that hes actually going to make the two hour car ride all the way over here to see them. No, impossible. So, yeah, good idea? GREAT. Lets go. Yeah, pretty mad. And I was really going to be there for her and everything but nope, Lets move! Whatever. But they were right. Do you really think I was going to skate to Columbus? heh. no. Sorry, Frelo. Like, I tried, legit tried to so many times - and lemme tell you, the highway does not like

skateboarders. And I know what youre saying: Why didnt you parents drive you? or You have friends, get them to take you, or Get a car, you idiot. Uhm, yeah. My parents have a mild hate towards me, and the whole getting the gf preggers as a sophomore didnt really help. If anything it helped them realize that I suck and cant be trusted. But like ALMOST ONE YEAR. We were together for a long time, like...its well, Im not going to say its okay, but its a lot better than a couple months. And the friend thing my friends are irresponsible and would suggest that we should stop for drink on the way there and get a couple for the road. Yeah, I wanna make it there to see them in person, not in spirit, so And and the get a car. Im broke, so no. BUT ANYWAY. Sorry for the little rant that was supposed to be an explanation. Its just grown-ups say they understand and then flip on you the second they realize its bad for them and it just pisses me off. And oh my god I jerked my head back and breathed out a sigh of relief. Okay, no, were good. I was almost there and I thought I forgot the wagon. That wouldve sucked. How else would I have gotten Frehley home? I tried the holding thing once, almost dropped her. Ended up carry both her and the skateboard more than a mile home. See, this is why we need to meet closer to my house, or just my house. I dont see why they cant drop her off and save me the trip. Guess theyre just looking out for my health, my stature, physique. Thats French, isnt it? Physique? Sounds like it. Anyway, since there was a shit-ton of traffic, it took me ten more minutes longer than usual and three phone calls from Leah wondering where I was. But I eventually got there. I skated through the revolving doors of Wal-mart. Subway is in our Wal-mart. It used to be McDonalds, but of course as soon as the news of Frehley being of existence got around, they closed it and replaced it with something healthier. Ignoring all the looks I was getting, I treaded on through the little cart holding area, and since Subway was right next to where I was, Im guessing Frehley spotted me because the next thing I heard was a little excited girl voice. Also she came running out, and looked a lot like my Frehley. DADDY! I tried to keep her away from my delicates because she always gets a bit too excited and grabs onto the first thing she can and it usually ends with me withering in pain on the ground. What is up, girl? Oh, heck no. She aims for them, I swear. I picked her up and spun her around getting her to giggle like a lot before finally hugging her tightly because I hav ent seen her in about two months. She seriously used to be a part of me, not just another salmon swimmin up stream; this one made it and now I only see her once or twice a month - maybe. That sucks. And shes getting progressively older; shes gonna hate me soon. Gotta love her up while I can.

I knew better than to set her down now and let her walk by herself, because first off, she usually starts crying if I do, and second off, I dont want to. So I carried her into Subway to see Leah sitting at one of the really tall tables with the really tall chairs, back facing us. Great idea. Yeah, lets just sit this clumsy, wobbly mistake twenty feet in the air. No way that could go wrong. .jk. Shes not a mistake, heh heh hehheh. But the more I looked around, checking to make sure they werent hiding somewhere, I realized, Yay, no Leahs parents. AWESOME. That means I can do this I did a weird walk/run/hop up behind her. I took my free hand and really did a number on her blonde hair, messing it way up. She almost shit herself, gasping, but quickly realized who did it and groaned out, Ugh. Blake! You couldnt just hug me or something? Okay, so *freeze frame* Leahs like perfect. Im not even kidding. She was a cheerleader, blonde hair, blue eyes, gorgeous, incredibly nice to everyone, bitchin personality. And then I wrecked her with the gift of life. Okay. I just wanted to say that. *un-freeze this frame* I shrugged, giving her a quick peck on the cheek. I sat my bag down on the table, taking the reaaalllly tall seat next to her. Well, you know the expected has never really been my style. True, true hey, you wiener! Get your own food! She had one out of originally four slices of cheese pizza just sitting there, and I havent ate since this morning, so I thought I could just take it. She didnt. I continued on taking a big well-appreciated bite. What, I only have a couple bucks and I was feeling Mickey-Ds later - Frehleys little blonde mane lurched up at the sound of that. McDonalds?! I love McDonalds! I know! I said back to her in a very annoying voice you unintentionally do whenever youre near a kid. I looked back up at Leah who was shaking her head. See, I think of other people. Blake, she just ate a sub. She doesnt need McDonalds. Yeah, well see I mumbled, doing a very bad job at fixing Frehleys disastrous hair. She had blonde hair like her mama. The only thing she got from me was the dashing good looks. What was that? Leah asked, smiling big. Oh, nothing. Hey, wheres Thing One and Thing Two? She shook her head at me but continued to smile. Theyre out in the car. They got tired of waiting what took you so long? You know, just because youre immune to traffic doesnt mean everyone else in the whole wide world is. She narrowed a glare at me and I just smiled real big.

Funny. Thanks when are you coming back to get her? She didnt answer right away. I just assumed it was because she was thinking; she gives me different amounts of quality times with Frehley whenever she can. But then she cleared her throat which got me scared for a second. When she clears her throat its ne ver because there was something in it. Its because theres bad news. Oh God what? I asked, hesitantly. She tried to smile but couldnt. Ehem. Wellhow would you feel aboutnever having to give her back? ..what? She cleared her throat nervously again, tucking her hair behind her ear even though it was already there. Well, just I, I cant have her anymore. (Author: How many of you read tucking as fucking?) I sat up quickly, almost knocking Frehley off me. What whats that mean, you cant have her anymore? I know you cant have her anymore. You already had her. Well, I mean, like, She slumped in her chair, shoving her face into her hands. I mean, like, they wont let me Cruella DeVille and Hitler. I dontunderstand. What, why? I dont know. Everything was fine well, not reallyat all. Apparently shes becoming a burden now, because - you know how she cries if you leave her alone? Well, she s doing that a lot. And my mom said she hated looking after her while I was at school; college would be hell and things just arent working out anymore. And I told them, Well, fine, Ill move out or something; get a nanny to take care of her when Im not home, but they legit wont let me. Theyre all No, its not you, sweetie, its her. And Im just like, Shes a little girl my little girl! Shes gonna cry and whine and all that shi stuff. Like, if she really has to go then so will I. And - wheres just her going to go? And then they said something about finances and started bringing up all this legal shit. And Im just sitting there like, Seriously? This is so dumb. Its obvious they just dont want her there and tried covering with how much shes costing us, and about how education comes first. Like, shes a human being and we are not free. And Its kind of too late, like I cant just shove her back in there, so yeahyou want her? .what the hell I dont know why it took me so long but I finally noticed the medium sized book bag lying on the ground next to Leah. Didnt look like there were books in it. Dang. I wanted to run away. I just sat there, staring at her. II dont know. I mean, likeFrehleys cool and everything; love to see her every day, butlike a for sure, keep-her-forever thing? Thatsa lot. And I still live with my parents, Leah - they dont even like me. They probably dont want to deal with her. Im not even sure I want to deal with her and -

Please, Blake? she continued to beg. She looked like this would really help, butI dont know. I took a real hard look at Frehley. She was just chillin there on my lap; she had gotten into my bag so she was playing with my DS. Shes always really laidback when I have her, but maybe thats just because shes only there for a few days. Shed probably turn into the devil himself after a week. Please? Leah, I sighed in a groaning way, starting to squirm. If I had my own place I would, but I dont. You know how my parents are they might suck more than yours do. Yeah, I know, butplease? I dont trust her with anyone else, and youre her dad, for heavens sake. We used to talk about this all the time: if something wouldve happened to one of us, the other would do whatever they could to keep her alive and thats what this is do you want her to die? And there she goes, making everything overly dramatic. No, its just Gah. I need to stop looking at her. She was doing those puppy dog eyes and she does them really well. I tried to look away, but she hopped out of her seat, shoving her face in front of mine. Please, please, please, please, pleeeeaaasssee, please, please, please? Thats such a weird word like please, what the heck? You know? Maybe its because youre saying it a lot. She narrowed her eyes at me again, but before she said anything, her phone buzzed. All of our heads snapped to it. She quickly grabbed it off the table. Hello? Oh, hi, Mom, whats up? Damn. God. I knew I was going to end up taking her. I knew it. Oh, yeah. Hes here now. Traffic sucks up town, by the way what? Oh, uhm, yeah, were talking about it right now and -he, we dont know. This is why Im saying I should just get my own house and take care of her -yes, Mom. I know its her, not me. Its justwha you suck. She hung up. what? She shoved her phone into her back pocket, smiled, and then hugged my legs. PLEASE, BLAKE? DONT YOU LOVE HER ANYMORE?! Good lord, I muttered, hopping that if I just pretended I didnt know her it would come off that way to the many eavesdroppers staring at us. Eventually, she realized I wasnt going to budge and groaned loudly, getting up. Alright, fine. She picked up the book bag up off the ground setting it on the table. Just here are some of her clothes, up to a couple weeks if you alternate. Think about it. Please? I still just sat there, looking from Frehley to Leah, Frehley to Leah over and over before sighing, overwhelmed. Heh. Pushover. Ooops.

Okay. IllIll think about. Too bad were not having sex anymore; I couldve kept it going and shell eventually get tired of begging and say, Okay, fine, if we go do it, will you? and I wouldve been like, YEAH. and got sex, but no, lifes not like that anymore. She grinned rather big, hopping up again. She almost hit Frehley in the head trying to hug me. Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! Blake, seriously, you have no idea. She pulled away with a big smile only to hug me again. She continued to do that until she got another call. Apparently, her dad had a big business linner (lunch/dinner; their words not mine) that will go into dessert and they had to go help set up soon, so she hugged me quickly but took her jolly ol time hugging Frehley. I guess I understood; she may never see her again for a really long time. You know the first thing I thought after that was? Good. Now shell see what it feels like. BITCH. Seethats fucked up I am, but, I mean, its only fair. About time. She got almost three years with her. Now I get her for the rest of her life. HA. HAHA. Im sorry Im so weird and demonic.

CHAPTER TWO
I stood there with Frehley and we watched Leah and her dumb fucks of parents drive away. Leah sat in the back seat, waving sadly at Frehley with an overly melodramatic frown. HeR parents just gave us both a sneer look. Yeah, they suck. Whatever. I waited for them to completely disappear before setting Frehley down in the wagon. I handed her my bag so she could just get any of the things she wanted out of there to play with. I reminded her to keep everything in the wagon and that if any of it falls out, mysteriously so will she. Nothing like the threat of death to keep her in line. Gah. I dont know where Im going to put the bagoh wait. Book bag. Its got straps. That were ripping at the seams. Lovely. I sucked it up and put it on. I made sure that the thick rope was tied securely around the handle of the wagon. I didnt want to lose her so fast. I warned her to not fall out again before stepping on my board and skating off. Since I had her, I had to go slowly, not as fast as I wouldve like too, so that also slowed us down. Hey, what time is it?

She stopped singing to herself and started mumbling. The sound of rustling and then 2:47. Okay, so Adam shouldnt still be at my house. Since today is Thursday, my mom gets home around five. My dad will be home at seven-ish. Awesome. Thank you. I could hear the smile in her voice. Youre welcome, Daddy! Ahh. Alright. I love it when she calls me Daddy. Its so nice. Shell probably never call me that again unless when she wants something. Then again, she does that now. Im so screwed. Im sorry Im so negative. Im just preparing myself for when she hates me. Seriously, sorry. But then she proved that your heart can break just like that. Daddy, Im hungry. Can we get McDonalds, Daddy? Ugh. I hate you. See. She knows that kills me. We were about a couple block lengths away from there. Not that long. I just had to remain strong until we passed it. Maybe I could distract her. Heh. Yeah, right. I looked back to check and make sure there wasnt any cars coming. Then ahead. Okay. Were good. I began crossing. Oh, I dont know, honey. Mommy said no. She just said all sad-like, Oh. But then an evil plan formulated in her little mind. She said, But, Daddy, I thought you were the man. AND I WAS. I aint losing my title to some lady who isnt even here right now to make me. So we did go to McDonalds. She got an Oreo McFlurry and a large fry. Wellits not all for her. I did the whole safety procedure again and then finally made our way home. It took about thirty minutes and we got there at around almost four. WOO. We went through the back yard. The wheels of the wagon kept getting caught on raised rocks on the walkway and every time I jerked it free, Frehley would giggle and go, Again, again! But we all know a walkway is only so long, so eventually the fun had to end and she got all sad. But then I reminded her she had McDonalds and she got happy again. Alright. Yeah, I can do this. Just feed her every time she gets sad. Shell be morbidly obese by the time she five. But shell be happy. And then shell get to school and everyone will make fun of her. And then Ill have to keep feeding her so shell be happy and then SHELL DIE FROM A HEART ATTACK AT AGE TEN AND OH GOD I CANT DO THIS. IM DOOMING HER FOR LIFE. Shes better off on the streets! oh god. No. Stop it.

I took a deep breath, letting her run into the house first. She went right for the living room. TV. I continued to my room, setting the stuff down on my bed. I went back into the living room to see her sitting happily on the couch watching South Park. God, shes going to be so cool. Daddy! she yelled, shoving a fry into her mouth. They killed Kenny! I plopped down on the couch next to her, taking a few fries out of the bag. Pfft! Good riddance. She gasped, hitting me weakly on the leg. Daddy, thats bad. No good riddance. I stopped from laughing at her and Kanye shrugged. Im just saying. Hes always doing that, dying in every episode. Can we skip to the one when he actually dies? No, she said, shaking her head. Thats very bad. She took my hand and slapped it. Bad, bad, bad. Oh my god. Do you see this cutie? Alright. You know her first word was a cuss word? Yeah, well, first it was Da-Da, but then cuss word. She lost her Cinderella play phone. She went to see if it was under the couch and hit her head on the coffee table, and she went, Fuck! Ouchie! Da-Da, ouchie! I only said it around her, like, three times. She learns fast. She knows ouchie because she gets hurt a lot and Im always like, Oh, do you have a boo-boo? Ahh, ouchie. And shell be like, Ouchie? And Im like, Yeah, ouchie. It made you go Ouchie! And shes like Yeah, ouchie. .that sounds weird now.but is it even a real word? Does it even count? Oh, well. I hugged her remembering. Ah. That was a good day. We really bonded over her injury. There ended up being a South Park marathon so we watched that until the front door opened at 5:25, and my mother walked in. The second she spotted Frehley sitting next to me on the couch, she got that excessively excited behavior going and started hugging Frehley like it was the first time shes seen a child. But I dont blame her. Frehley is pretty special. I should probably tell her that Frehley might be here a lot longer than a few days, but I dont really want to tell her and then her flip out because she will. But sometimes she can be understanding. I waited until she was done harassing her. Hey, Mom? She stopped seconds before walking into the kitchen. Yeah? I think Frehley might be here a lot longer than a few days. What do you mean? she asked, walking back over here, sitting on the couch. Since its the summer shes gonna let you keep her a while longer?

Uhyeah, kinda. Well, what do you mean, kinda? Blake, whats going on? Ugh. I hate it when she gets that serious tone in her voice. It just makes me really uncomfortable. I dont know why. She even got the serious look on her face. I shrugged, trying not to look at her, but she kept getting in my gaze. Just thatshe might be herefor a long time. She started getting serious-er. Why? Did something happen to Leah? Is she okay? Frehley grabbed my phone out of my hand and just started clicking stuff. Mamas fine, she said in her little girl voice, making my mom stopped all the seriousness and smile at her. But only for a second, then she looked back up at me. Seriously, whats wrong? Oh, Leahs fine. Its justher parents. Well, what about em? Are they okay? God. Someone always has to be hurt with her. Things cant just happen. I sighed for what seemed like the thousandth time today. Mom, Leahs fine, her parents are fine and before you ask, Frehleys fine. Its just I cupped my hands over Frehleys ears. She didnt really acknowledge that I did and just continued playing with my phone. I whispered, They dont want her anymore. My mom looked at me, appalled. What they dont want her anymore? How can they just stop wanting her? What does this mean? It means I guess I can take my hands of her head. She really didnt want me to keep them there. Daddy, stop it. She started moving her head side to side. Right, sorry when I went to get her, Leah told methat and she said her parents said they cant afford her financially, and shes just too much for them right now. And Leahs always giving her all her attention, so shes really becoming a distraction. She says this is for the best right now. She gave me a bag full of some of Frehleys clothes and she told me to think about it. She didnt really respond at first. She just sat there, thinking probably. Wow. Well, what are you going to do? Again, I shrugged. I dont know. Like, I would love to have her here, but it all depended on what you and dad thought. She nodded. Well, you know I love Frehley very much and I would love having her here with us all the time, but I dont think we can afford her either we can barely afford you. And I dont think your dad really wants another kid here. Theyre a lot of work. You realize that, right? Youve only had her for three days at most. Are you prepared to take care of her for sixteen more years? Holy thats a lot of years. Ive only been alive about three more years than that. (Im almost twenty.)

Well Frehley, stop. She had gotten a marker out of my bag and decided to start writing on my face. There better have been a cap on that. She stopped. I looked down to see the cap was either back on or had always been on. Thank you is there marker on my face? I asked anyone who would answer me. My mom shook her head. Youre fine. Thanks. Well, Im sure once Leahs older, well, like, reunite and then I wont have to do this all on my own. Oh, honey, she said, *pity chuckle*.Are you sure youll still feel the same by then? How are you so sure youll even want to be with her then? Uh Whatwhat do you mean? Are you asking if Im sure Ill still have some love for the mother of my child in some-odd years? Enough to raise our kid together? Yeah, I started nodding slowly for her, Im pretty sure I will. Feelings shouldnt just go away like that. That doesnt mean they wont. I raised my brows at her. Look at her, thinking shell know how Ill feel later on in life. Cute. I crossed my arms. They shouldnt. You dont know how I feel now or will. Whatever happens happens. If its not the same, then well figure something out. This is just until shes done with college. Her eyes widened. College! You need to start getting ready for college. Where do you want to go? What are you going to major in? For how long? To what extent? Have you even given this any thought? Honestly? I asked, trying not to claw my eyes out. Not at all. She started making all these weird noises. And I think we got her off track. Wha why not? Do you not want to succeed in life at all? Do you plan on becoming a hobo (Hobo: I already dont like this.) with no education whatsoever, just sitting on the side of the street, selling our own blood in order to bring in your next meal? Do you intend on having Frehley sitting beside you through all of this, because that might just be how it is. Really off track, but then she gasped again. You cant keep her either. I sighed, rolling my eyes. And why not? Because! A reason Leah cant keep her is because of college. Youre going too. You cant keep take care of a kid in the wild dorms of college. lol what. And plus, you know how much college costs? Even one year is $5,000! Depending on where you go. You were thinking Edison, right? Wait, you said OU at one point - I pushed out a short chuckle, stuck at one part. The wild dorms of college? Uhmwhat? She sighed loudly, throwing her hand into the air, then back against her forehead.

Oh, good. Theres still hope for you. Your innocence might be what saves you. No. Ive just never heard of it referred to as that. totally. Anyway, Have you guys ate dinner yet? I nodded, holding up the now empty bag of McDonalds. Mickey-Ds. Andwho paid for this? I pointed to myself. This guy. Oh, stop with the face it was McDonalds. Only a couple bucks. Chill. Well, Im just saying. You need to stop wasting your money on silly things and start saving for college. Oh my god Good lord. It was for food, survival. So, I just now decided Im done with her and got up. I poked Frehleys sides, making her raise her arms. I grabbed her hands, lifting her up. Come on, Frehley. Grandma is getting on my nerves and I really dont want you to see me put her head through a wall. Okay. She wrapped her legs around me so I ended up carrying her. I grabbed all the things Frehley would probably end up wanting to play with and ignored my mom as she sat there saying words I blocked out and turned to my room, heading for it. I shut the door behind us, setting her down on the bed. I wouldve moved the stuff that was on it off, but she was already doing that. She shoved it all off. I wouldve done it more orderly, but whatever. Daddy, can I play with your phone again? Oh, totally. I took it back out of my pocket and gave it to her. It was completely charged earlier. Shes been on it non-stop for about an hour and it was now at 62%. I grabbed my charger off the ground and plugged it back into the wall. My mom probably unplugged it. Her way of saving electricity. Frehley was nice enough to let me hold the phone while I put it on the charger. I gave it back to her and laid next to her. I flipped on the TV and we continued our South Park marathon. Yeah. I could get used to doing this minus the whole controlling mom thing. That was annoying.

Oh god. Whens Frehley gets older shes not a guy. Things are going to be very different. SHES GONNA GROW TITS and Im going to haVE TO BUY HER A BRA. Oh, god thats going to be weird. AND THEN SHES GOING TO GET HER PERIOD. Man, I dont want to deal with this. Its going to be so awkward. like Her: Dad, Im bleeding out of my vagina. Me: WHAT? DO WE NEED TO GET YOU TO A HOSPITAL? YOU SHOULDNT BE BLEEDI NG LIKE THAT. Her: NoDadits fine. Its just a thing that happens because I am now a woman. Me:WHO DID YOU FUCK? And it would be weird. Shell hate me after that because Ill embarrass her so much. And shell be all moody. Hopefully not as bad as Leah, because I had to avoid her; everything I said was wrong. I didnt even get to deal with her when she was pregnant. Three weeks into it, her parents stowed her away. Okay. Whatever. I need to stop flipping. I have an older sister; I was there when she told mom. My mom got really weird on her. She was just like, YAY YAY OH THANK THE LORD YOU ARE A GIRL and it was odd. When Frehley tells me, I just wont handle it like my mom did. Ill just be calm about it. Or I have hopefully handed her back to Leah by then and I wont have to deal with it at all. Lets hope. And she is never having sex, by the way. Im keeping her locked up in the house like Rapunzel. She already thinks shes a princess. Anyway, so oh yeah, older sister is at college right now. Shes about two years older than me. So, right, okay. Frehley and I are at the skate park right now; its the next day - Friday. I bought her a little skateboard, too, a while ago, so its not just me whos getting fun out of this. Shes sitting over on some concrete, pushing herself around. Im a safe number of feet away from her trying to land a tre while doing a fakie and I just cant do it, man. It sucks because I can do a tre on a switch which is a lot like a fakie; your foots just in a different place. Though, fakies in general just feel super awk. But still. Every time Im just milliseconds away from landing it, I fuck it up. And when I fuck it up, I get pissed. And when I get pissed, all hell breaks loose and I dont want to do anything anymore. And when all hell breaks loose and I dont want to do anything anymore, I fake my own death. And when I fake my own death, I dye my eyebrows. And when I dye my own eyebrows, I attend my own funeral as a guy named Phil Chifley.

Dont attend your own funeral as a guy named Phil Chifley. Get rid of cable. hahahahhahah. Man, Im funny. Oh my God, Frehley, you just missed out. I just said something hilarious in my head. Whatd you say, Daddy? I was trying to land a tre on a fakie, and I was just thinking, I dont see how I can land a tre on a switch and not a fakie. and then I was like, Every time Im just milliseconds away from landing it, I mess up. And when I mess up, I get pissed. And when I get pissed, all hell breaks loose and I dont want to do anything anymore. And when all hell breaks loose and I dont want to do anything anymore, I fake my own death. And when I fake my own death, I dye my eyebrows. And when I dye my own eyebrows, I attend my own funeral as a guy named Phil Chifley. Dont attend your own funeral as a guy named Phil Chifley. Get rid of cable. Just like the commercial. Isnt that funny? Thats hilarious. Youre so funny. I love you. Oh, thanks, Frelo. I love you too. Lock it up, homie. And then we locked it up like homies do. I sighed, content that someone else thought it was funny, too. Oh, if you dont know what lock it up, homie means, its the fist pound thing you do with homies. Frehley is my homie. Oh, shit. I hear my other homies. Maybe if I just dont turn around, they wont see me YO, BLAKEY, WASSUP?! BLAAAKKKEE, MAN, HOWS IT GOIN, BRAH? BLAKE, YOU LOOK GOOD TODAY. IF I WAS GAY I WOULD TAP THAT. STICK MY KEY IN THAT LOCK AND LOCK THAT MOTHER FUCKER UP. HELL YEAH. SAME HERE. You guys are too sweet. Adam, Bobby, Marc and David all came over here and tried give me high fives and secret handshakes all at once. So, uh, I cleared my throat, trying to shield Frehley from their stupidity by standing in front of her. I think I just ended up being the one to catch their dumbness. What are you guys doing here -.......dumb question. Sorry. Whats up? Adam, as always, started getting a bit too, uhm, black for his pasty white complexion. When hes high or drunk, he can get like this sometimes and its scary. He laughed and it came out a bit squeaky. He tried to give me another handshake. Ah, man, Blake, you already know. Chillin a bit, here and there. We were just at Little Cesars. Bought a large peperoni pizza. Its all good. You want some?

I want the sober you back. He motioned over to David, a really short guy. He was holding the big box, but not paying attention. Marc was doing a bunch of tricks I couldnt make out. Looked like he was just doing a Tre Flip over and over and failing a lot. David was just standing there laughing at him. Man, David! Adam sighed at him as Bobby knocked him the shoulder. David whipped around like he was on a bad acid trip. But then when Adam yelled, Stop messing around, man. Give Blake a slice, he was just like, Oh, hah, and yanked it open, waving his hand around it like he was Vanna White. Eh, alright. Pizza sounds good. So I made my way over to him. Choose wisely, he said in an odd voice before laughing again. I ignored him and just grabbed one. My friends do a lot of drugs, thats why theyre so weird. As I took a bite, Davids eyes widened. He was looking behind me. He shoved the box of pizza into my chest. Man! he exclaimed, pushing passed me. I turned to see him cautiously walking over to Frehley. She was just sitting there. He started pointing at her, gasping how partial words. Someone left a baby here! Marc joined him in complete horror while Adam and Bobby just looked at them while they were dumb. I couldnt even bare to look at them. Thats Frehley, you idiots, Bobby told them, also exasperated by their stupidity. They both just stood there, still confused. WHO? Oh, my God. I gave Bobby the box and shoved Marc and David out of my way to pick her up. She knew so she just raised her arms up. Then this little bitch - she didnt even take it out of my hand; she just took a bite out of my pizza. Mmm! Yummy. I yanked it away from her when she tried to get another. Get your own! She just sat there, opening and closing her hand. She leaned in for another bite. When I yanked it away again, she started pouting. Then she started crying. Fake crying. David and Marc still stood there like I had just picked up *insert something disgusting here*. Wha - David started, stammering. You know this child? This Frehley? I swear theyre retarded. Theyve met her six times already. Kind of have to. I went over and got another slice. I gave it to her and she abruptly stopped crying. She took a big bite and spoke with her mouth full. Thank you, Daddy. Youre welcome. They still stood there. Even more confused. DADDY? cried Marc.

Oh, my God, Adam groaned. You guys are idiots! Thats Frehley. Youre met her before. Blakes kid. YOU HAVE A KID? SINCE WHEN? Oh, wait, wait. Marc seems to have finally remembered. I remember now. Leah. That was all it took for David to remember too. Oh, yeeeaaahh. I remember now, too. You guys bumped uglies and popped out a munchkin. But I thought her name was Lea-oh. Never mind. SEE? RE TARD ED. They make no sense. I think the word that we had pizza had gotten around the skate park because the next thing I heard was, PIZZA!!! and some dude came running over, grabbed a piece, battle cry, and ran away. Okay then. I went over to a small ramp, sitting down with Frehley in my lap. Everyone followed me, for some reason. Well, anyway, Adam had got another slice and paused to eat half of it in one bite. So theres a party tonight you remember Emily, right? What am I talking about of course you do. Uhm, I quickly pointed to Frehley. Lets not talk about that. Ever. Biiiigggg mistake, I swear. And dont tell Leah, please and thank you. It happened way before her. Like, I think, a week At first, he was like, What why not? But then went, Oh. Right, right. Well, anyway, shes having a party, like I said, and personally requested you to be there. I sighed profoundly, rolling my eyes. One time thing and now Im invited to every single one of her parties. I turn her down every time, because the only time she has them is when Frehleys here. Not that if Frehley wasnt here Id go. Awesome. Well, I would love to, but, yeah, cant. Okay, now hes the one being dumb. Why? She really wants you there and you havent gone to any of them sincethat one. And she said shed get Katie to, heh, give me a little somethinsomethin, and I need this, man. I havent done it in about a week. (Adam talk for an hour.) Im dying over here oh, and were going to Mexico next week. All fucking summer. I wont be able to go to any of her other parties. I really dont care. Bro! Please just why not? I just wanted to hit him so hard for stooping to Marc and Davids level after being so smart. Because, I said firmly, eyes darting to Frehley. Dont go getting all dumb on me. And it all came rushing back to him. oh. Right. I keep forgetting about her. Just leave her at your house. You have parents. Cant. They wanted to go see Chernobyl Diaries tonight and I dont want Frehley watching that. Plus, its rated R. Couldnt get in anyway. Isnt it funny how that all worked out?

Oh, come on, dude! Get your mom to stuff her in a bag like she used to do with you. Yeah, no joke, she seriously used to do that. But I still shook my head. No. And I was kind of planning on chilling with her tonight anyway. We were going to watch Netflix. David: .is that a new movie? Did it go straight to DVD? I dont remember seeing any commercials about it. (Alex Gaskarth and Jack Barakat: Straight to DVD. STD. lol. Me and anyone else who gets this reference: lol.) David, I snapped, rubbing my temples. You and your *covers Frehleys ears* dumbass *uncovers* are really starting to grind my gears. And he loves Family Guy so he laughed. Just watch it some other time! Adam continued to push. Whens she going back to Leahs? Never. I really didnt want to tell them. Theyll get all, I SWEAR SHES TRYING TO RUIN YOUR LIFE! Oh, uh, I started that dumb, nervous chuckle. Well, you seeshes not going back All their eyes widened. Damn. Well, well, maybe. I - Adam was the first to speak, of course. He matched my chuckle. Uhm, why the hell not? Yeah! yelled Marc. He now had his headphones on, Beats, I think. I could hear his loud, obnoxious rap music all the way over here. How did he even hear us? What the fuck? Okay, seriously, I clapped my hands a bit too hard over her ears, shut the fuck up or Im going to rip your dick off. Stop cussing in front of her. Leah nearly had a conniption when she said crap. WHO GIVES A SHIT? ADAM! I literally shrieked. Frehley had worked my hands off her and heard that. She gasped, holding her hand out. Bad mouth! Put a dollar in the swear jar! He just looked at her like she was retarded. I dont see a jar anywhere or I would. I swear to you, she rolled her eyes, scoffing. Do you really think Im going to carry around a jar all the time? No way! Its a figure of speech. Pay up. Oh, shes so cute. He just ignored her. Seriously, he said back to me. Who gives? Shes never going back to Leah so its not like it matters. I swear, shes trying to ruin your life. See? Told you one of them would say it. They always do. I rolled my eyes at him. Shes not doing it intentionally. They cant keep her anymore; she costs too much and they cant afford another mouth to feed. And you guys can? He scoffed. Im telling you, if its not Leahs idea, its her parents. Theyre just trying to doom you for knocking up their daughter.

Probably but - Right, okay. Im serious! He looked crazy, like this was all pent up inside of him for so long. It just makes sense. First, they tried taking both Leah and Frehley away from you, then started the whole every-month thing and only gave you a couple of days out of maybe - every month to see either of them. Theyre trying to break you so you would get tired of it at some point and stop trying but you obviously wont, so they just handed her off to you, so youll get annoyed with her and beg them to take her back. They do and you never see her again. How much you wanna bet? That actually sounded like it could be true, but Im a guy; I refuse to admit when someone other than me might be right. (Author: :P) Youre dumb, I said instead. Im not betting anything; thats the dumbest thing Ive ever heard you say and you say some dumb shistuff. Theyre not that immoral. Everyone nodded, agreeing. Except fucking David. The traitor. I dont know, man, he said, poking at his head. It makes so much sense. Adam sighed intensely in relief. Thank you! Yeah, he went on. Oh, this is gonna be good. Just look at the facts, man: basically all of what Adam said, and he said a lot; I just dont remember - but it all sounded pretty right. Just like, give her back oh, wait. No. Epiphany. Im having an epiphany. He crossed his right leg over his left and closed his eyes tight. Ohm. Ohhmm. Everyone just stared at him. And I mean everyone. All the people in the park were now looking over here. I dont like this. They need to look away. David continued to go Ohm. Ohm. Ohmmmm -it all makes sense now. Yes! He stopped all the dumb shit, but kept one hand touching his temples, and gestured around with the other. I know what you need to do now. You gotta keep Frehley. If its true what Adam says, you cant give her back; thats what they want. Ugh! Adam grunted, slapping him over the back of the head. David! Youre supposed to be on my side. David turned to him, stammering, all confused. Bro, I am. Im just going off what you said and my epiphany. My epiphany had a big part of this. He spit so much during that last sentence. You and your epiphany are full of shit. Frehley gasped again. You got a bad mouth, mister. Right. I started getting up. Bobby get me that board over there. Come on, Frelo, lets go home now. I dont want their stupidity and foul mouth selves to get to you. I grabbed Frehleys board from Bobby and got mine with my foot. Blake, groaned Adam for the fifty-fucking-thousandth time, but stopped, smiling at something behind me. No. I refuse to see what it is. Just get Liz to watch her. SHIT. Thats whats behind me. SHIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTT. Then I heard a female voice say, Sup, bitches?!

No! I whined knowing this wouldnt end well for me. Just dont turn around. Maybe shell go away. I just went back to setting Frehleys board into the wagon while Adam waved. Hey, Lizzie! Hows it going? Fuck me, fuck me. KILL ME. Ugh, alright - Lizzie Shelton. I call her Shelton, and on rare occasions, Liz; everyone else calls her Liz/Lizzie/Elizabeth, so this whole story is going to get really confusing. Love her to death; weve been buds since Junior High. Shes just a short little thing, barely five feet tall. Real chill. Hot..right, right. Beautiful, whatever. And she will do anything I ask her to - or just anything that pertains to me. I swear. Hello, Adam. Blake, When I stood back up, she jabbed me in the sides then got up on her tippy-toes, giving Frehley a peck on the top of her head. Frehley. And everyone else, hello. Marc: Yo. Frehley: Wizzie! Me: Hey. Adam: Sup. Bobby: Hey. David: Hello. She ignored David and threw her board into the grass next to us. Adam beckoned her over to him for a hug which he gave a bit too tight. When she tried to move away, he grabbed her by her shoulder, pulling her back. Oh, Liz, I need a favor from you. She smiled while I glared at him. Oh, well see. Whattcha need? Nothing, I tried, through clenched teeth. She just smiled a snarky one at me and looked back up at Adam. Well, its not really me, but for Blakey over there. She glanced back at me. Oh. Okay. Well, what is it? I tried to open my mouth again, but Adams big one conquered all. Would you be a dear and watch Frehley for him tonight? Emilys having a party and insists on him going, but he keeps worrying about Frehley because he doesnt have anyone to watch her. So would ya? It would mean a lot. Please say no. Please. Isnt Emily the one he? Adam just did that dumb smile of his, nodding sinisterly. Hell yeah she is.

You know, I said loudly, getting their attention, you dont have to. She looked back at Adam, then me, then Frehley, then back to Adam. She shook her head but the words didnt match what I hoped would come with it. No, its okay. Yeah, I can watch her for youunless Blake didnt want to go. Ah. And this why shes in my circle of friends: she understands what I really wantnot like that, butthe other that. But I mean, she knows that, tooa time before Leahand after. I was her first, yay. Oral, anyway. I think shes still a virgin, tho. With guys; you know, the whole wienie in the vag thing. Shes a whore with chicks. She likes dudes and chicks. I think girls more. Anyway Oh, no, no. Adam shook his head fast. Im surprised his little brain didnt come flying outIm so mean to my friends. No, he really wants to go. Hes just hesitant leaving her with someone other than him how sweet is that? And this is why. Theyre dumb and annoying as hell. FUCK YOU. She smiled again. Incredibly. But this is Blakes kid. If he wants me to watch her, I will. Youve watched her before! Adam said the second I opened my mouth again. He needs a night out, to party, have fun but most importantly, to get laid. Uhm, no. God, Sheltons face when he said that it just dropped. But then she rolled her eyes as if to say Typical Adam. Hes all stressed right now. Youd be helping him out. She sighed at him and smiled sweetly. Adam, honey? Yes? She dropped that smile and replaced it with just death. Answer for him one more time and Im going to give you the worst credit card-slash-popsicle ever and post it everywhere and hopefully, one day, Rob Dyrdek will stumble upon it. Love this girl. She started smiling again. Ya got me? Adam, personally knowing how painful both can be, nodded stiffly. Gottcha. Thank you. She turned to me. Now, Blake, do you want to go out and raise the roof tonight or chill at home with your kid? Frankly, you already know, but the more I looked at Adam the more I understood why he needed me to go. I swear hes sex addict and if he goes any amount of time without doing it, he gets really pissy and I dont want to deal with that. And hes been trying to bang Katie since the seventh grade. You know, if you ask me, I think he doesnt just want to bone her. Adam here has a crush. And hes leaving in a week and wont be back all summer. Sure, hes probably going to bang the locals, but this is Katie. This could be his last chance. I have to help a bro out. What I thought was mentally actually came out into reality. My loud sigh.

Alright, fine. Yeah, Ill go. Adams face = priceless. Biggest smile ever. But hes still a fucker. I really dont want to go. I like being at home, away from people. Socializing just aint my cup of tea. Oh, thank you, Blake. You have no idea Uh-huh what time is it, the party? Oh, He pulled out his phone. She sent me a text earlier her parents are leaving at eight, so any time after that. Awesome. Well, I really dont want to be around you guys anymore, so were gonna get going. Shelton frowned. Of course. As soon as I arrive. I flashed a sad smile back, setting Frehley down into the wagon. I know, right? Youve always had sucky timing. Hah. Sucky. She sucked my dick. Seriously, I am so sorry. I need to think before I think. She shrugged, agreeing. Itll be the death of me which reminds me, Ill try to be at your house at 7:30-ish which means fifteen after eight if youre lucky. Really bad timing. Shes always late. I smiled again at her, said bye one more time before finally getting the hell out of there.

Shelton was strangely on time and I wasnt prepared for her. My parents had already left for the movies, and Frehley and I are pretty close, so I was lounging around the house in just my boxers. Thats it. Plus, I had just gotten out of the shower and didnt feel like putting on actual clothes. I hopped up off the couch by the second knock and tried not to scream bloody murder. Hold on! I ran all the way to my room in under three seconds. I grabbed anything off the ground and threw it on. It ended up being the clothes Ive been wearing since school ended. Yeah, Ill re-change later. I quickly ran back into the living room. I almost flew into the door but thankfully stopped myself. I took a deep breath and regained composure before putting on a smile and opening the door. She stood there grinning on the other side with the usual: a PS3 in her arms and a bag on her back, which probably had the controllers and games in it and a crap ton of other stuff. But when she got a good look at me, her face fell, like she tried to comprehend what the hell just happened to me and then she laughed, walking passed me. Catch you at a bad time?

Uh, sure, come in. She flashed a big smile. I continued. Yeah, kinda. You show up on time and Im chillin, fresh out of a shower, in just my boxers. She laughed, messing with my damp hair. Ah. That explains it. Im getting good at this timing thing. Just a little practice. Right. And since she was early, I went over all the things she already knew but sometimes forgot about. Many shes learned the hard way: dont leave Frehley alone. Dont go dropping the f-bomb or any other vulgar bombs around her (she will pick it up very quickly and explode and die.) If she calls you Daddy or Mommy dont be surprised; its because she wants something. Also, that being said, dont give in. No naps; she already had one today and if she does again, shell be up all night. No sweets; shell be up all night. But if she starts crying, give her A LITTLE or she wont stop. If she starts telling you a story or a joke, listen. If you dont, shell cry. She cries a lot a lot a lot Dont make her cry. And there was a lot of other things but it mostly led back to her crying. Adam texted me at 9:50 and told me he was on his way. Yeah, an hour and fifty minutes later. Well, dont you know? Only dweebs show up on time. All the cool kids get in late, and I guess were cool. See, I knew that Adam was going to do that; Im sure Shelton did, too, yet she still offered to show up hella early. So, after I got done with the little rules and regulation, we just sat there and watched TV until Adam showed up in an actual car and we went to -whats her name? Idk. That one chicks house.

CHAPTER THREE
Okay, so this is boring. I miss Frehley already. Adam ditched me for whats her name? Katie? Or wait. Is that the one sitting next to me? The one throwing the party? Im so off right now. I dont know whats wrong with me.

Whoever the one next to me is just keeps talking, and when shes not talking about dumb shit, shes still being dumb. She waved her hand in front of my face for the twentieth time in the last five minutes. Uhm, She laughed nervously. You stopped listening again. Oh, uh, *clear that throat* Sorry. I was justthinking. About ditching you. And she laughs again. I dont see why. That wasnt funny. Now, the part in my head was, but she didnt hear that, so what the hell is she laughing at? Oh, well, uhm, Get your hand off my knee. I jerked it away from her and acted like I was just as shocked as she was. I grabbed my knee, feigning wonder. Oh, crap ah. My knee just kind of went crazy there for a second. I should, uh - I stood up from the couch. Walk it off. She nodded at first, but then had a freaky serial killer moment and grabbed my wrist, stopping me from my getaway. She twirled a piece of her hair between her fingers, biting her lip. My dick: Oh, hello. The good, responsible side of me: No. Stop it. LEAH. FREHLEY. STAY STRONG. Oh, wait. Heh, you should walk it off to my room. I made a disgusted sound. Thats all the way upstairs, though. I was thinking home. It was like she had another little moment and came up with a completely different idea than what I had. Ohyou wanna do it at your house? I scrunched up my nose at her, doing the who farted? face. Uh, no. I was just planning on going homeand sleeping alone. She reached forward, touching my arm, continuing to twirl her hair and bit her lip. But she added something new; she checked me out. Heh. Hey. But whats the point in that? Sleeping alone is boring. But, no, thats okay. I have a daughter; she doesnt have her own bed so we share one. Im not alone. Hmm. I should probably tell her that, scare her away. Then shell know Im fertile. But I dont know why; I didnt want to tell her. Part of me wanted sex and I wasnt getting it from anyone else right now. (I actually focused on my education while school was in session except for that one time that led to Frehley. And many safe more fortunate times before.) And the other half of me just wanted to get home and watch Disney movies with the kiddo. But Shelton can do that with her. She figured I wouldnt be back till morning and offered to stand in as me (because my parents didnt know about this little shindig.) And I havent had actual sex in almost three years. Just oral and Im think Im going to die if I wait any longer. Yeah, fuck me. GONNA GO GET IT IN. LATER. Or do you want the deets? (Author: Im feeling it right now) Yeah, Ill do that.

No. This is just meaningless sex. If I do it with Leah - or just some meaningful sex soon - I will go really detailed. .yeah, right. Meaningless sex is the best. She was going unnaturally fast up the stairs. I almost fell five times. She giddily shoved the hordes of raunchy freaks out of her way; I tried to apologize and she yells at me for being nice. The bitch. I swear the hallway just seemed to stretch and stretch, like I shouldnt be doing this, but I ignored it and just like that, it slinked back. Hell yeah, just in time. Poppin a boner. Tmi? Really? Well wait till you get a load of this: No, okay, know what? This is awkward. We dont know each other that well. Itd be weird. I know whoever this chick is better than I know you - which is funny because you know more about me than she doesbut point isI (Author: I) dont feel like explaining right now. Everything was going great fantastic until Adam popped in. Yeah, he was all, Bro, man, my dad came home early and is REALLY pissed that I took his car without permission. We gotta go. Now. ButI didnt want to. Hes already got it in withthat one girl. Its my turn. So I just like, You go. Ill walk. And he was like, Dude, no. Lets go. And I was still like, No. And then that went on for a while, but, eventually, he left. And then whats-her-face and I got back to it and everything was going great until she was forgot her name. Me: .what? Did you like hit your head or something? Her: No. Whats my name? The last time, you didnt remember and I let it slide, but I told you, the next time, you had to remember. So what is it? Do you remember? And I didnt, so I was like, Nope. Cant even take a guess? And I wanted to do it, so I just sat there for a real long time, thinking. But nope. Youd probably get even madder if I said the wrong name. And she was like, Nah. Id give you something for trying. Now Im mad. You should just go with your friend. And since I didnt really want to walk, I was like alright and then I ran and caught up with Adam. EMILY. ITS EMILY. OH MY FUCKING GOD. Too late to turn around now. SHIT! You scared the hell out of me!

Hi, Daddy! Its almost midnight. What is she doing up? I snapped at Shelton, climbing through my window. Move over. She got up off my bed, giving me room. Baby, go to sleep. But Im not tired. I tried, Shelton said, shrugging, but she wouldnt lay down. And when I kept trying, shed start to cry. Thats another thing that was on the list. I took my hand and pushed Frehleys head down. She giggled, trying to get it off her. Daddy, stop it. Go to sleep or youre gonna get a visit from the tickle monster! She giggled again. No tickle monster! Then go to bed. She continued to giggle, but nodded a lot, lying down. Okay. Thank you. I sighed, covering her with a blanket. I sat down at the foot of the bed, looking back up at Liz woah. Called her Liz. Weird. She was just standing there with her hands hooked together in front of her. We just stared at each other until she breathed out loudly. WELP. She pointed to the door, but then to the window. She looked really confused. I dont Im just gonna go. Out this the window. Itsthe best choice. Alright. But just as she stepped onto the bed, she grunted, and it looked like she was trying to take a shit. I raised my brows, eyes getting wide. I quickly stood up. Well, I didnt want her to shit on me. Uh, what? *chuckle* She pointedsomewhere. My stuff. Right. Ill help. I helped. We got all her stuff. I asked if she really wanted to walk home this late. She said no. Now Im sleeping in my beanbag chair and her and Frehley get the bed. AWESOME. So, when I woke up, she was gone. I assumed she left early and went home, because thats probably what happened. Frehley and I just sat around till we were sure Taco Bell was done with breakfast and served those awesome tacos. Because thats how it works, right? Places only serve breakfast during breakfast time and none of the non-breakfast-y stuff.right? Like McDonalds andall them places. Ehem.

Anyway, so I got my bag together of stuff Frehley likes, put sunscreen on her because shes so pale and burns easily, and grabbed my board. As I was about to leave my room, she grabbed my hand and sat down. I jerked back and a tad down. Uh, yes? She let go of my hand and held her arms out. She wants me to carry her. Of course. I leaned my board up against the wall and picked her up, grabbing it again. Once we were all good, we exited, going down the hall into the living room. The second we stepped in there, my moms voice stopped us. Where do you think youre going? Uh, I turned to the door then back to her. Outside. Well, why? she continued on, hands on her hips. Whats her deal? I looked back at the door, then at Frehley who was sucking on her thumb, and back to my mom. Taco Bell. When she sighed, hand waving in front of her face like it was hot, I knew that wasnt where she wanted me to go. Is that not right? I asked in an odd sheepish tone. She continued fanning her face. Oh, Blake! she sighed, shaking her head. Stop wasting money on her. I started stammering out words, already beginning to become severely annoyed with her. Im not wasting money on her! Yes I was and I knew it. We have nothing here. Nothing good. If this is another college talk, Im going to explode. Its only five bucks at most. Now she was stammering. She motioned all her around her, then signaled me to join her in the kitchen. She began opening every single cupboard and then the fridge and freezer. Does this look like nothing? We just went shopping. You just went shopping, I corrected her cheekily. You never get anything for me anymore. She started closing everything again. Well, thats because I dont know what you want. Make a list next time and Ill try harder. Thats all I ask now can we go? They rebuilt it and I heard they put TVs everywhere. I have to see for myself. Her hands were back on her hips and she was sighing yet a gain. Then she shook her head. No. Actually, were going to have a family meeting minus your father, so just us. I was just about to go tell you but you were already on your way out. Goddd! I stomped my foot, whining. Family meetings are never good for me. I always end up giving up everything and they get a new TV. Always. She just hushed me. She had sat down at the table and patted the seat next to her. I thought it was for me, but then she grinned up at Frehley. Come sit next to Grandma. She took her from me and started harassing her again. Poor thing.

I looked down at all the things I had carried out here with me. Well, guess I dont need this anymore. I was just about to go put it down on the couch when my mom snapped her fingers and whistled at me. Im not a dog, I grumbled blatantly, getting her to glare at me. I just faked a big ol smile back at her, taking the seat next to Frehley. I waited for her to begin this family meeting and ended up sitting there for five minutes while she tried telling jokes to Frehley. Why did the chicken cross the road? she asked her excitedly, like this was the first time this joke has been told. BLUE CHEESE! is what Frehley yelled back. omg what? My mom looked at her like she was a parakeet and she was making all these loud squawks at her. Uh-uhwhat? No, honey, it was so it could get to the other side. Gosh... ANYWAY. I cleared my throat loudly. My mom was now looking at me like I was that parakeet. I rolled my eyes. Why am I here again and not at Taco Bell? Oh, yeah - for the family meeting. Can we get to that? Please? She shook her head at me disdainfully. Goodness, Blake. Alright, calm down. Yes, the meeting. Okay, well, your father and I were talking we went to your room last night to talk about it with you but you were sleeping, so we just decided to hold it off which is what this whole thing is. So, as you brought up when you got FrehleyThursday, was it? No, wait. Friday morning when we spoke about this whole situation again wait. Maybe it was Thursday. Anyway, what you said about Leah, about how she said she was going to just get a house and live on her own with Frehley there well, we were thinking about that and have come to the conclusion that you should do that, since she couldnt. She made that so confusing. A lot of words. The way she said it was just *brain explodes* woah, you know? I quickly replayed all she said and realized I only needed the last sentence. I sat there dumbfounded. Soyoure saying that I cant buy a taco or some fries but I can buy a house? She actually nodded. Essentially, yes. But thats only because I wanted you to start saving for bills and all that and yes, we realize you also will be going to college. Thats why we are going to pay for rent the first month, anyway. And we wanted you to get an apartment, not a house. Much less expensive. Riiiiigght, I said slowly. But still Id rather get Taco Bell than my own home. And besides, wouldnt it just be easier to take the money you were going to spend on an apartment and put it all towards Frehley now? Ill get a job and start paying for her on my own, I swear. She held up a finger and basically said my idea was shit. Or we could still do what we originally planned on and then you still get a job and use that to pay the bills and well give money every once and a while for food, Frehley, etc. And this isnt just because of her; we thought this would be the perfect time for you to start getting out and living your life on your own. Get you ready for college, you know?

I still stared at her taken back and asked, actually somewhat seriously, Are you trying to get rid of me? Do you not want me around anymore? She gasped like she was so shocked that I asked that. What honey, no! Im just saying youre getting older; its time for you to branch out on your own, take care of your kid. You basically lived alone here. Its not like we all really interact. So its just like we moved into a new house, only you can throw parties and not have to worry about us coming home early -and you have to pay for it by yourself, thats another thing. I slunk back into my chair. Geez. I dont want to live alone. But I wouldnt be alone. I had Frehley. But I dont think I could do this on my own. I cant take her everywhere; what if I want to go out somewhere she cant go - like to my job? I cant always make Shelton babysit - and I dont even pay her. I probably should; she does a good job. And she had a form of sex with me a couple times. But I dont want her to think I think shes a hooker or something. Well, they have daycare, right? I could always do thatbut thats money I could be using for bills and food. I could just leave her at home. . . . No. Shed be bawling the whole time. (Hobo: Thats the only thing you see wrong here? Me: Do I know you? Author: Hes in all my stories. Im not sure why. Me:stories?) Ill just never go anywhere inappropriately fun. Yeah. Thatseh. Ill just make Liz do it gah. There I go again. Shelton, sorry. I mentally sighed. What else is bad about this? Ooh. What if I dont find a job or I do get a job but it doesnt pay enough? Ill have to take more than one job. And whos going to watch her while Im working? Wait, I already said that. Shelton will. She better be up for this. Oh, crap. Shes going to start school in couple years Frehley - and I was planning on starting college next year. Shes not going to be in school then and I think Shelton is going to college, too. Gaaahhh. I dont want to do thiiisssssssssssssssss! Honey, My mom reached forward and put her hand on mine. Its okay. Everythings going to be fine. Itll all work itself out in time and if it doesnt, thats okay. Thats why youre renting an apartment. Just yhnerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr2 fhty (Author: Hahahahaha. That alls not supposed to be there, but Im going to leave it.) try it out for a couple months you can even get a roommate. You and Adam are bffs, right? Or Elizabeth; I know how much you like her. You guys can start a family of your own -

I choked on my spit when she first mentioned Shelton; everything after is just heh crazy. Uhm, I cleared my throat, coughing, trying not to die. What? And she ignores me. Whoever you chose will just have to split rent, of course, so itll be fair. And if you dont like it, just come on back home and well do this some other time. She squeezed my hand. Alright? I took a deep breath to refrain myself from either bitch slapping her or breaking down and begging her not to make me do this. I started to nod, making her smile. Okay. Well, good. I picked out a few catalogs of some of the more decent apartments in this area. Theyre in my room. Ill go get them for you. She got up, handing Frehley to me, and then left. Daddy, Im hungry, she whined to me, taking a break from playing with her feet. Just then, my stomach growled. Oi. I gave her peck on the forehead and then hugged her. Me too. Well go after Grandma comes back down to earth. Okay. A couple seconds later, mother strolled back in with a few magazine-lookin-like things. We paged through them and this went on for about an hour. Every time I found one I liked, she pointed out that it had only one bedroom or three bathrooms or something I didnt need; something was always wrong with it. And the ones she liked all sucked, so. I ended up getting really frustrated with her - surprise. She said Frehley and I could go to Taco Bell as long as I continued looking through the catalogs. I promised I would and she let us go. But little Miss Frelo over here quickly decided, when we were seconds away from entering Taco Bell, that she wanted McDonalds. Uh-freakin-mazing. And then she called me Daddy about fifty times in one sentence and I gave in so fast, so we crossed the parking lot and a street to get to McDonalds. There were quite a number of people here. Not like a lot, but not like two. You know? We walked into a line, waited, ordered, waited some more, and got our food. I bet it looked really weird that I strolled in here with a wagon attached to me and a skateboard via rope. But oh well. I do this all the time. Come on now, people. Get with it. I ignored the weird looks and followed Frehley to a booth. When she climbed up, she barely showed up over the table. It was so cute. Are you sure you dont want a booster seat? I asked teasingly with a snarky smile. She flashed a big smile but shook her head, standing up in her seat, grabbing a handful of fries. Nope. Im okay. I laughed at her and sat down in the booth across from her. Alright. Whatever floats your boat I waited for her to finish the saying. After getting a few more fries, she did.

Or sinks your muffin. Heck yeah. I heard the sound of giggling to my left. Wanting to know what was so funny, I looked that way. Two tables away sat a group of chicks couldnt have been out of high school yet and they were all looking this way, giggling to each other. It took them .00009 seconds after I looked their way for all their heads to quickly jerk the other way and they giggled some more. Theyre probably laughing at Frehley. She is adorable. I just ignored them and got the catalogs from my bag. Can I play with your phone, Daddy? Frehley asked knowing my phone was in there. I got it out for her but seconds away from her grabbing it from me, I yanked it back. I got that parenting tone on. If I let you play with it, will you promise me youll eat the chicken nuggets, too? You cant live on fries. Oh, God. My mom used to always say that to me. What have I become? (Austin Carlile: Im a fucking monster. Me: Anyone getting tired of the surprise visits from celebrities, or just the Hobo? If yes, screw off. Theres plenty more to come.) She just pouted, making a whining noise. But, Daddy, I dont want it. Then why did you ask for them? Because you made me. Oh.right. Well, you like them, eat em. She continued to whine. No, Frehley, eat them or youre not getting my phone. She huffed over-exaggeratedly which still meant no. So I sighed and I asked in a pleading way, Will you please eat them? It doesnt have to be all, just some. She sighed, too. Fiiine. She picked one up and took the worlds smallest bite, but it was good enough. Thank you. I slid my phone across the table. Oh my god theyre giggling again. I tried to pay no attention to them, but then something popped into my mind. Waitare they giggling at me? Is there something on my face? (OR AM I JUST SEXY AS HELL?) I didnt look in the mirror at all today. I quickly grabbed my phone from Frehley, making her cry out, Hey, give that back! I ignored her and looked at my reflection. Nope. Nothing. Damn, Im hot oh stfu. Its true; Im allowed to think that. I handed Frehley my phone back and goodness. They were giggling again. And since I knew there wasnt anything on my face and Frehley hadnt done anything funny to laugh at - I looked over to them to see they were all looking over here. I expected them to giggle and look away; three out of the four did. The one was very ballsy and gave such a flirty wave it wasnt flirty. If that makes sense. It was just weird. I smiled and waved back and they all, like, screamed. Im not even kidding.

Well I turned back to my catalogs and continued looking through them. They had started giggling and chattering louder but I didnt ignore them anymore. And I couldnt stop smiling. Yeah, thats right. They were giggling at me, nbd. And after about ten more minutes, Frehley wanted to go outside to the playland. Since she ate all her chicken nuggets, we did. After a couple minutes of it just being us out there, the table of screaming girls came out, too. Wow. And Frehley had ditched me to Thanks babe. I mentally shot her head off, sitting down at one of the tables, going back to the catalogs, though I really didnt want to. Oh well. This one looks pretty nice. Its in like a two story type thing; like a complex. One apartment below, one on the left, one on the right, and one above that one. The one I liked was above. Two bedrooms, one bathroom, *reasonable amount of money a month here.* Coolio. Are you looking for a place to stay? Holy fucking hell. I almost had a heart attack when one of those chicks was suddenly in front of me. The ballsy one. Hopefully she didnt actually have any because she was hawt as fire. js. She realized how much she scared me and her eyes widened as she quickly apologized. Oh, god, Im sorry. I didnt mean to freak you out. I was just - I took a deep breath before interrupting her. Its fine. I just wasnt expecting someone to beright there. But, uhyeah, I guess. Well, not I guess; I am. My mom gave me some catalogs to look through, so thats what Ive been doing for the past hour. Oh. She pointed to them as if to ask if she could look at them. I slowly nodded, a little spooked by her nerve. She sat down on the table and picked the one I was just looking at up. I heard the giggles of her friends, a couple tables over. Right. Have you found a place yet? *nod* Yup. I poked my head up a bit to see if she was still on the same page I was. She was. I pointed to the one I liked. I was thinking that one. She did the surgeon face, nodding in approval.

climb up a slide.

Thats pretty nice. She was suddenly looking at me, smiling. I have a couple friends that live over by there. If you get that one, Ill have to stop by sometime. No. No, thanks. But then I realized she was hot and flirting and this could go well for me and I smirked. (and and and and and) Well, now I definitely have to get that one. She began smiling bigger, biting her lip. My dick: Oh, are we doing this? *b0ner* I mentally prayed for a pillow, but didnt get one. I slyly grabbed my bag, placing it over the area. You should, she agreed very seductively before looking behind me. I saw that by the way. Saw what? Playin dumb, ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. She reenacted what I did but with the catalog. That. Do I turn you on? A little. She smiled bigger. Good. Shes adorable, by the way. Is that yourlittle sister? Cousin? What the fuck? Dont comment on my boner and your turning on skills and then start talking about my child within the same three seconds. I turned around to Frehley. She was sitting on the other side of the playland on a bench next to a statue of Ronald McDonald. She was just poking himand it looked like she was talking to him. Its a statue. Hes not going to say anything back. I looked back up to whatever her name is. She was smiling still. Uh, yeah, no - daughter, actually. A couple months away from being three and already a complete psycho. We prefer the term imaginative, she informed me with a cunning smile, but then it fell a second. Daughter, she repeated. Is there a mommy? I shook my head and said, with only a smidge of sarcasm, Nope, had her myself. Hurt like a bitch. She rolled her eyes. Right, that was dumb of me. I meant are you and herstill a thing? I didnt know exactly how to answer that. No, but yeah at the same time. When she looked at me to go on, I did. I think its a no because I only see her about once every couple months, because the second her parents found out she was pregnant, they flipped their lid and moved about a week later. But, almost three years later, and weve never really talked about it, so I dont know. And if its a yes, Ive been doing some serious cheating. why why did I say that out loud?

w h y ? Now she knows Im easy. Just kidding But she just nodded, chuckling. Oh, Im sure. Well And theres that flirty smile again. She picked up one of the markers I had out, snatched my hand, and began writing something on it. She set it back down. Thats my number. Call me sometime. (Me and Hobo: Hey, I just met you and this is crazy, but heres my number, so call me maybe.) I can help you settle in with your new apartment. Ha. She means have sex in your new apartment. I smiled a flirty one back to her. Will do. She bit her lip again, leaning forward slightly, (purposefully) giving me a glance down her shirt. (Oh, hello. So we meet again. I think all this lost time is finally catching up with me. All at once. And it fucking sucks and rocks at the same time.) She giggled to herself before hopping down from the table, parading back to her giggling friends, making them giggle even louder as she smiled really big. I cant believe you! one of them cackled in response. She just shrugged looking back to me, smiled, and then turned back. I didnt hear what she said back but it got them to giggle excitedly. Well, that was interesting. Frehley eventually got really tired and bored (as did my dick) so we left. When I got home, I showed my mom the one I liked. She surprisingly said she liked it, too, even though this was one of the many thousand that she turned down earlier because it wasnt one she chose. Weird. But yeah, so we made an, uhm, appointment (theyre called that, right?) with the chick that sells houses and stuff. And just to speed this all up and get this story further on faster, were at the appointment now; its a couple days later, Monday. The chicks showing my mom outside because my mom doesnt really think this is a safe place for a baby and the chick wa s trying to prove her wrong. Frehley was wandering around and I was standing in the living room because there isnt any furniture in here yet. God. This is crazy. This will probably be the abode I raise my daughter in until shes eighteen-ish and then Ill kick her out, bring in some sluts and itll be my bachelor pad. Waithow old will I be in eighteen years? ew37.nah. I probably will have killed myself by then.

Okay, well, I have this thing where I dont want to get old, like too old. I think by the time Im twenty-nine, I wouldve killed myself. SoFrehley will betwelvewait, nofourteen? (right?) Okay, uhmnever mind. I shouldnt leave her like thatwhile shes that young. I could just stay alive for four more yearsthen Ill beold. Ugh. Im probably doing all this math way wrong Wait. Its not like Frehley was just born; shes basically three now, so minus three from eighteen. Fifteen. So, 34. Thats better. And when I kill myself, which will still be twenty -nine, Frehley will beeighteen? Wait, shit, no. Goddamn. This is too much thinking. Ill hold off until shes gaaahhh. idk. Maybe Ill feel different about aging later on. I had let Frehley run around, check everything out (as I already said) and she just ran into the living room from what would be her room. She stopped to smile at me, waved, and continued her run to the other side of the room. To where there was a screen door that led out to a balconytype thing. I immediately felt everything in me tighten. The only thing keeping her from the two story drop to the pavement was a shitty little fencething. Uhm, hell no. I like flew over to her, grabbing her hand, pulling her back. She instantly started whining when I shut the screen. Little bitch - Im doing this because I love you. No, Frehley. I dont want you to die. She tried to sit down on the ground, a usual part of her tantrum, but I yanked her back up and ended up holding her by her arm in midair. WHY?! she bawled. BECAUSE I LOVE YOU! I screamed back. Im guessing my mom and whats-her-face were back now, because I heard my moms voice. What the hells going on up here? Cant even leave for ten minutes without all hell breaking loose. Mom! I began, feeling like I was a young adolescent again and Lauren (the sister) took my Playboy, because she always fucking did that. Frehleys being a little bitch because I dont want her out on the terrace because she could fall and die and I dont want to live alone. Frehley had gasped when I cussed. She turned to me, holding out her hand. Bad mouth! Dollar please. What the hell she didnt say a thing when Shelton cussed that one time. Two times in the same dialog. I just bent my knees to get down to her level of height. FUCK, I shouted just in spite of her. She just turned to my mom and began crying. See, alright, I told you shed turn evil after a while.

But after a few more seconds of us, my mom quickly got annoyed and screamed at us. and blah blah blah. We told the chick we wanted the apartment, yadda yah. So now I have it. And it is Thursday, June, 7th, I believe. The only items we have in our house are my bed, the couch, my TV which is in the living room and all the stuff that was already here. Everything else is in boxes. My mom is out shopping with Frehley to finally get her a bed so Im here alone and Im going to be alone until tomorrow. My mom is also going to keep Frehley for the night, because earlier when I was trying to get everything out and put things away, Frehley kept getting in the way, so my moms being nice and yeah. Its about six-ish. Frehley has been gone for approximately thirty seconds and Im already bored. Im sitting out in the living room because it has the TV. We dont have cable so theres nothing good on, so I just had it on for a background noise. I dipped my head back and groaned out, IM SO FUCKING BORED! Just then, my phone buzzed. Heh. Okay. But when I checked to see who it was and what they had to say, I nearly started crying. Its Weather Channel and theyre just texting me to let me know theres going to be a thunder storm tonight. And Im all alone in a new apartment. FUCKING AWESOME. Gaaaahhh. I guess I could text someone to hang out. I pulled up my contacts and searched through them. Okay, well, so far Im considering Adam, Shelton, that one horny chick, and, uhma lot of other chickadoos that have helped make past undercover taps possible. Thats it. I was kinda wanting to hang out with Shelton because idk shes fun, and, according to my mom, I have a thing for her. But I really wanted to call up horny chick (or any other fwb) because theyd have sex with me and I like sex. (I swear Im no better than Adam.) I only considered Adam because, wellnot too sure why. Just did. Oh, well, I guess hes my friend. But hes not even in the country right now. They left for Mexico yesterday. Cool. Sex is sounding really good right now, so I clicked on Horny Chicks contact. Well, I promised her I give her a ring when I got my apartment. Just hope shes willing to keep her end of the deal up should I call her? Or text? I went with calling, for some reason, and quickly decided against that as soon as she answered. I was about to hang up when she said, Hello? I couldnt say anything. Why cant I say anything? Oh, maybe its because I HATE TALKING ON THE PHONE! Hello? she said again. SPEAK. SEX IS AT STAKE. I took a really deep breath and let it out, saying, Hey! Its, uhm, its Weve never exchanged names before. Holy hell. Who am I? Guy from McDonaldsI got my apartment. Yeah, thats not weird.

There was a brief pause and then some whispering. Giggles. I think she somehow knew exactly who this was. Oh, hey! she chirped out over some giggles. Oh god. She actually hangs out with those cackling fools? I felt myself smile at how happy she sounded but it wasnt for a good reason. This was going to be easy. Sup. Oh, uhm, chillin at my friends house. You could just hear her smile. What are you doing? You moved into your new apartment? Yup. Come over and we can fuck in it. And my mom took Frehley for the night my offspring so Im sitting here all alone and bored and not gonna lie, a bit scared shitless. Apparently its gonna storm like a bitch tonight and - She chuckled. Want company? Hell yes. Again, she chuckled. Where do you live? *my address* Oh, sweet. Thats about a block away from where I am. What a coinky-dink. Right? she said. So I should be there in about five minutes *my apartment number*? Yup. And then she said alright and we hung up. I sat there, humming happily, but then stopped, looking around the apartment. Theres, like, nothing in here. The TVs screwed and theres no light source besides the candles in here, the TV, and, since it was still light out, the sun. (No light bulbs.) What are we going to do? . . . . Right, booty call. Duh. I should go check to see if my bed is even capable of being fucked on. And thank god I did. There were all these boxes sitting on it. I quickly moved them off, shoving them in Frehleys soonto-be room. Gah. This might be the last time I get some before having to get someone to take Frehley away for the night. Thats depressing. Or I could just risk getting walked in on in the act.

Heh. No. I walked in on my mom and dad about a hundred times in the nineteen years Ive been alive, and it sucked major Hot Pockets. I did some weird hand gestures and tried to catch my breath because I moved at the speed of light to do that, and trying to catch your breath while standing wasnt really working for me, so I sat down, making my bed creak audibly. I immediately smirked hugely. Okay, (after years and years of hard work) this bed was destined to fuck on. Just kidding. It was like this when we found it out in the alleyway next to our old house. jk again. What I first said was how it really got this way. ;) After what seemed like so much longer than five minutes, but when I checked my phone it was actually three, there was (finally) a light knock coming from the living room. I ruled out it being ghosts and raced out of my room for the front door. I acknowledge the sound my bedroom door colliding hard with the wall and slamming shut and ignored that bitch, yanking open the more important one. She stood there in almost nothing shorts that could honestly pass as underwear, (shit, Im only 13% sure they werent) a tight little tank top and, errr, flip flop lookin things. Well, dang. Hope it doesnt start pouring on her when she has to walk home in about an hour or two. just kidding. Weather Channel told me it should just be light rain in about three hours; Ill just keep her here a while longer. Kidding, kidding. Ill call a cabeven though we dont leave in a city with cabs or taxis. We have school busses. Anyway The most concealing thing she was wearing was a huuuugggee smile. Hate to see her look like the only idiot here, so I smiled just as big back. Hey. I seriously thought her face was going to split in half. She said quietly back, Hi. What the what happened to the gutsy girl I met at McDonalds? Seriously, is this her timid twin or something? What the hell happened? It looked like it had started raining on her on the way over here. Shoooot. If it started raining on me and I was on my way over to some persons house I wasnt close with, I wouldve turned the other way and ran my ass home. Admiring her grit, I stepped to the side and bowed, hoping to get her bold self back. Come in, mlady. But she just giggled all shy-like, curtsying before walking in. Dont mind if I do. Alright, shes partially here. As I shut the door behind her, she stood there, back to me, taking a look around

the apartment. Kind of gloomy, but I like it. She laughed at her own joke, turning back to face me. Seriously the TV works, but no lighting? I shrugged like she was missing the big picture and motioned around. Hey, I got candles. How romantic. I try. Actually, didnt even think of that. I wonder if she wouldnt mind sitting here while I lit up a few more. I was legit about to but then she asked, facing the hallway that led to the bedrooms and bathroom, Which of those is your room? ;) And a smirk crept back to its rightful place. I walked passed her, grabbing her hand, taking her to the only door on the right. (The bathroom was the first on the left; Frehleys room was the last, also on the left, right across from mine.) This one. The door was closed, but, see - this crazy thing happens when you grab the knob of a door and you turn it a certain wayit opens. I let her walk in first, and when I got in, I leaned up against the door, closing it. She had found her way to the bed and sat down, facing me. The bed creaked under her and that sly smile worked its way back onto her face. Are you going to fuck me? Oddly enough, I found myself shocked by how blunt yet innocently she asked it and pushed out an odd, slightly daunted chuckle. Uh, wow. Welldo you want me to? Please say yes. Please say yes. She nodded a couple times in a rather sophisticated way. (I really dont know how you can nod sophisticatedly about being fucked.) Very hard, yes. Awesome. Awesomely-awesome awesome. Rad. And since that was obviously the answer I was looking for, I smirked again, sitting down next to her, ready to start the usual questions I do before doing someone. Sobefore wedo it, uhmhave you ever are you a virgin? Wait, I dont think I have a condom. Hah, oh well. She didnt answer right away. Is that a yes? No and she just didnt want me to think she was easy? BecauseI am, so its okay. It looked like she was about to say Yes, but instead shook her head. Nope. Big ol skank. Loosey-goosey over here. Now, for some reason, I didnt believe that. I narrowed my stare at her, needing an honest answer. Seriously. She feigned a look that was meant to make me believe she was taken back. I was being serious. Whore of Babylon.

So, judging by the fact that you wont give me an honest answer, Im gonna go ahead and mark down Virgin Mary. I pointed my index finger out, pretending like I was about to write it in the air. Is that okay, or would you like to continue on with your lie? She forced out another short chuckle, grabbing my hand, stopping me. Im not so virgin to be pegged off as Virgin Mary. LikeIve done stuff, but not all the way. And yet you want me to fuck you hard? She nodded. wth why? After waiting all those years, what makes me so different? WAIT HOW OLD ARE YOU? Meh. Ill ask later. (By the way, I end up waiting to ask a bit too late.) Well She stopped, probably deciding how to word it. When you waltzed in to McDonalds, like, a week ago, and I was there with all my friends - we all just had our eyes on you the second you stepped in, not gonna lie. And Lindsey one of my friends just kept daring one of us to go up and talk to you yet she was too much of a puss to do it herself. And I guess after a while of listening to them refuse, I justvolunteered plus, I already wanted to, because, wellyoure unnaturally hot. Anyway, long story short, I did, and -. She tipped her head to the side. What was the question? I have no idea. Seriously, what was it? Alright, lets just scroll back up*scroll scroll* Oh, wait. I remember. Why do you want me to be your first? We dont even know each other She nodded, remembering, too. Oh, right, right. Welllike I said, youre unnaturally attractive and, despite the fact that youre obviously fertile and capable of reproducing, I just -you look like youd be good, like, you know exactly what to do. Weird way to put it, but I guess its just, underneath all that intimidating sexiness is a guy that knows how to be good in the sack, but be gentle at the same time. Like if you were to, lets say, screw a virgin and...I dont know. Dont listen to me; I make zero sense right now. Im justehemnervous and, uhm, anxious. A little uncomfortable because Im making things awkward. Im always doing that. Shoot, shes not the only one whos feeling all that. Like, what the hell? I look like I know how to fuck? Okay then. Not a bad rep; Ill take it. Oh, god. Shes still talking. And when Im nervous and anxious and uncomfortable and awkward, I tend to ramble and repeat things, but reword it, even though its obvious that Im just repeating the same thing. But I found that if I rearrange things, change the wording, its like Im saying several things, but Im not. Its the same thing, just worded differently do I make sense? Like, at all? Im rambling, arent I? Its justIm nervousand anxious, and uncomfortable andawkward when arent I awkward? Didnt I already say that? Its just, when Im nervous, anxious, uncomfortable and making things weird and awkward, I ramble and repeat things and - So, do you want to do this or not? I asked abruptly, not sure how much longer I could take her rambling. It was cute, but good lord. She looked like a deer in the headlights, but cleared her throat, composing herself. You meanyou still want to do me? Even though Im a virgin?

It all depends on if you want to I prefer virgins, but theyre not as easy to stumble upon these days, so sometimes you just gotta take what Satan hands to you. *tense laugh* Interesting littleYou said Satan. I was expecting life or something. so how nervous are you exactly? Her face fell to a complete mess. Unnaturally almost as unnaturally as it could amount to how cute you are. So a lot should I take this off? She began pulling up her shirt. I quickly stopped her. You dont have to Oh, god. She somehow looked even more edgy. Am I making you uncomfortable? Its just Ive never gone all the way before heh...well, duh. Virgin. But gah. Am I rambling? I just god, you know? Im starting to sweat a lot, oh god. I continued to stare at her. Shes odd. Yet I could see myself being best friends with her. Or just having a lot of sex with her. Whichever. Do you want to watch TV or something? We dont have to do this. I honestly dont care what we do anymore. I now just wanted someone to chill with to keep myself from falling even more insane. Now she was looking at me like that was absurd. Thats sweet, but no! I came here to lose it, so lose the pants, sexy you like blowjobs, right? Oh. She laughed to herself. Youre a guy, who am I kidding? Of course you do Didnt I say lose the pants? Do you not want to do me anymore? I look like a whore, dont I? I just thought, Well, maybe if I look the part, he wont get suspicious and see right through it but you did, so w-t-fuck? I think shes bipolar No, shes a virgin who is scared out of her wits. And has the gift of gab. Haha. Itd be funny if her name was Gabby What is her name? Whats my name? Man, I just wanted sex with a hoe. Or a sane virgin, at least. But I got the crazy one. But its not her fault. Shes nervousand anxious and uncomfortable and awkward. And is trying to unbutton my pants. Im guessing she doesnt care if I want to do her anymore. But, gah - I dont want her to regret this. I put my hands on hers, making her stop. She looked up fearful. Im sorry do you not want me to do that anymore? Did I do something should I take this off? And there she goes again with the de-clothing. I stopped her from doing removing her pants this time and just held her hands, trying to get her to calm down. I think you should relax a little. *very nervous laugh* Right, sorry.

Yup And now we sit there. For forever. So, I started again. Are wenot gonna do it? Well, I need to know whether or not to suggest we could go out into the living room and watch the news or something. She gasped, now smiling. You still wanna do me after all that? I nodded, like yeah, itd be nice, because I just really wanted to do it now. Maybe Im the bipolar one. Yeahif you want. OF COURSE I WANT! She hugged me uh. If you can handle that, it should be a breeze dealing with me after I lose my virginity to you! You know youre going to be the first guy I have ever had sex with, right? Im gonna be so clingy after! Her hands went back to my pants and she actually looked like she did when we met at McDonalds: flirty and hot as fuck. Take these off. She bit her lip and I feel a boner coming on. I wanna suck you. NOT EVEN KIDDING. Thats what she said. (haha) And you know how the crazy weird things people say when horny are crazy and weird, and any non-horny ears listening might be weirded out by it? Well, when youre also horny those words are the hottest things ever. Right next to boobs. Boobs will always be hot. But theyre never crazy and weirdexcept when theyre crazy and weird. But theyre boobs so they still got a fighting chance. Anyway, so, I guess this isnt meaningless sex, now, is it? So it wouldnt kill me to share the details. (Author: And Im just gonna leave this here until Im really in the mood to write about blowjobs and eating out and fingering and sex because thats all youre going to be reading about and, ngl, it will be raunchy well, when I explain what he does to her. Just cos. Well, never mind. Probably not that bad....and Im back.) Okay, so if youve never gotten a blowjob before, you poor soul; you have no idea how good it feels. But if youre a girl and youre gotten ate out before, just imagine that but a thousand times better. If not, still imagine how you think it would feel. Something along the lines of: FUCKING AMAZING would be fine. And I havent had sex in a while, because I really wasnt lying; I tried to focus on school while it was in session, so it felt even better. And she was doing all these crazy things with her tongue and was a deep throating champ, and deer lord. Right, right details. Butblowjobs are pretty simple, yet a bit too raunchy. She used her mouth and just kept looking up at me all innocently and did a fantastic job and I cummed everywhere in matter of minutes, okay. tmi? I really dont give a single fuck. Blowjobs are awesome. And since they are so awesome, Ill go detailed. She took the tip back into her mouth, tongue swirling around it, faster now. I leaned back on my elbows, breathing hard, pushing her head further down. God, it just felt so good. She looked up innocently again and started sucking harder and faster. What she didnt have in her mouth was being taken care of by her hands. She moved from tip to base, base to tip, squeezing a little harder each time.

I tried to bite back a loud moan but it came out anyway. Oh, fuck. She seemed pleased with that and smiled, going even faster. Is this okay? Of course it was fucking okay. It was more than okay - phenomenal. Yeah, babe. Oh my whats her name? I should know her name by now WHO CARES?!?!?!? Not me. And oh jesus. It started feeling extraordinarily good. The kind of good you feel in this situation when things are about to getmessy, to say the least. But she was prepared and took it like a champ. She looked up and opened her mouth, showing what was now inside, before closing it, swallowing. She opened her mouth again to prove that, yes, she swallows, and smiled. Was that good? I decided not to answer that dumbass question and pulled her up on top of me. (Author: Okay, so Im trying really hard to write this from a guys POV, but its just so awkward. I dont know why. So were just going to go to her POV, alright? Alright.)

Her POV
Honestly, I think Im in love. His tongue fucking rocks. And his fingers oh my. Theyre partners in crime. His dicks going to outstanding. Oh god I shouldnt have thought that. Now Im all nervous again, and I tensed. He somehow felt that and stopped. He pulled his head back up out of, uhm, that area. You alright? I quickly nodded, begging hed let it go and return to that fantastic thing he was doing before. He just looked at me like, Yeah, okay. Aw, thats cute. He sees right through me. Which was probably a lot easier to do now , considering I didnt have any clothes on. You know how clothesreally limit x-ray vision? Ehem. I dont know. He has such a big dick. just saying. It was really nice. And comparing it prior erect and mid-erect, not a difference; same size: FUCKING HUGE. Yet now bigger, of course. And its not going to fit in me, oh goddddd. No. Stop it. Just keep calm oh lord. He went back to it, and it feels gooooooooooooooooooood. I wanted to scream at him when he slowed both his tongue and fingers down again, but then, after a couple torturous seconds, they both were moving at the speed of light oh god. My hips jerked up and I moaned, pushing his head against me.

Shit. Alright, I shouldnt be saying this, but Ive been eaten out and fingered more than a couple times, but never like this. Its never been this good. Then something started happening that confirmed that this was the best ever and unlike any other time. I started getting thissensation. One that I dont think you should ever get at a time like this. It was like I had to pee. Badly. Uhm. Should I stop him? I really didnt want to; underneath all that hey, bro, you might want to hit the bathroom, asap. was what I knew was the beginning of an orgasm. And it was feeling superb, like ten times more pleasurable than what I usually feel. It felt like heat building up in my body. My hand searched frantically for something other than his hair to grab onto, because I actually feared I might rip his gorgeous hair right out. My hands went for his shoulders and my nails dug in. Deep. Really deep. It was like he didnt notice and just kept going. Faster. Oh, god. I feel like Im going to burst like a water balloon. Or a supernova exploding into a black hole. (Author: Im watching Hubbles (or Hammels, not sure) Amazing Universe, and apparently its pretty intense.) Maybe this is what its really supposed to feel like? Or Ive just never felt it to its full extent. Thats the same thing, isnt it? I just repeated myself Either way I just relaxed and let it happen and then oh lord. It was like this explosion of awesomeness all over my whole body. I swear I almost lost consciousness. It was like I just took a peak at heaven. Complete bliss, release. And it lasted for a looooonngg time. Then everything got super sensitive. I patted him lightly on the shoulder. You did it. You did it. You squirted, he laughed, pulling his fingers out. WHAT Sure enough, when I took a good look down, the bed was soaked. Heh. Well. Wasnt aware I was capable of doing that. He continued to laugh. Well, you did. I must be gooooood. Amazing, actually, I corrected him in all honesty. And now onto the sex. The part Ive been having the most bipolar mixed feelings about. But thats totally understanding, right? Not my fault. Its going to be awesomeas soon as we get pass the this hurts like a bitch portion. He rubbed that area a couple times. It felt good, but I knew why he was doing that and I started getting nervous again, taking in a deep, shaky breath.

Itll be alright, he assured me, kissing my neck a few times, setting the head firmly in place. Just calm down. Relax. But I couldnt. But I really wanted him to do, well, me. So I made myself appear calm. If you want me to stop, just tell me and I will. I took another deep breath. Okay. And then he started pushing it in. Fuck. I gasped, my hand connecting hard with his chest as I tried to push him away. God, that hurt. He quickly stopped, looking back up at me. No? I shook my head. Not yet. He nodded and rubbed a few more times, kissing my chest this time. When he started using his tongue oh lawdee. It felt good. Calmed me down a bit. But then I felt an intense pressure down below. Painful pressure. I jerked myself back, pushing him away again. I groaned out, Owwww. (Author: Shit, alright, so Ive been trying to write this as quickly as I could, but, I know you obviously have no way of knowing this, but Its actually taken me two weeks to get from the whole her confessing shes a virgin part to just this. And its just annoying now. I legit cant write from eithers point of view. Its weird. I used to be able to write the most vulgar shit from a girls perspective. idk. whateves. So now, badda bing badda boom, they eventually get it in, only for like five minutes because it hurt her too much, yadda yah. And now - oh you know what, Im feeling it now. Here ya go.) He, of course, stopped right away. Are you sure you want to do this? Yes, I said a bit too eagerly. Just - please. O-kaaaaaaaaay, he said slowly, pushing in again. Whoo - alright, ow. Its a little bit in. I tried not to show how painful it was, but most of it came out. Okay, ow, fuck. I knew he just really wanted to stop now, but I hoped he saw hope much I didnt want to. I think he did. Okay, how about He flipped us over, so I was on top. I steadied myself to keep it from getting shoved in. You do it. Hmpf. Good idea. So I did. Tried. I think he got a bit impatient and just yanked me down. Pain went shooting like a star. I squeezed my eyes shut, grimacing. Holy God. Sorry. I shook my head. Nah, its cool. FUCKING SHIT OW. He pushed me up, pulling out. Huh the tip had blood on it. He smirked - damn, he looked hot(ter). Youre not a virgin anymore. I actually laughed like I was high. Oh, sweet. Yup. Still wanna do it? Well, of course. Be dumb to stop now.

Right. He moved it back under me and let me go down at my own pace. Holy geez-us. I kind of hoped it wouldnt hurt as much now that it already went in once, but it sure as hell did. So after five minutes of actual (painful) sex, we both realized I was somehow really tight even though Im kind of a whore. I think I was just really nervous, going all the way, so everything just freaked out and tightened. Downstairs is kind of sore now. Kinda. He just ate me out again and everything is awesome. Im, like, shaking now, because the guys a champ. Best ever. I would keep coming back to him just so hed do that. Id do anything for him if he promised hed give me a little something in return. Its just so good, man. Oh, the names Gabriella, by the way, I informed him as he pulled on his boxers. Guess were getting dressed now. Everyone calls me Gabby. I was so preoccupied with finding my tanktop, I didnt really note him stopping everything and not answering me right away with his. I looked over my shoulder to see him just staring at the wall, incredulously. Uhwhat? He looked back at me and said, Youre kidding me, right? I slowly shook my head, staring at him oddly. NoWhy would I lie about my name? If I were to lie, I wouldve said a cooler name. Gabriellas alright, but people call me Gabby for more than one reason - Is it because you talk a lot? Instead of being offended by his assumption, I nodded, because that is why. Yup. I hooked my bra on and pulled my tank over my head. Whats your name? Blake. Hot name for a hot guy. I instantly thought of something else that was funny and laughed to myself. I have a cousin named Adam and another with the last name Anderson - call him Ders and get together. My life will be made. He laughed at that, sitting down, now in boxers and a shirt. I already got an Adam. But get Anderson and well see. I positioned myself comfortably back on his bed, now completely dressed, minus my flip flops. Whats his last name? Maybe its the same Adam. Oh, God, I hope not, he said, leaning back, hooking his hands behind his head. I sort of laughed. Why? Cause Id be screw-ewed. My Adam is my best friend, but that doesnt mean hed spare me for hooking up with his little cousin. He said little cousin. So his Adam must be older than me according to him. Which is probably true. Blake looks young, but older than me, too. He has his own

apartment. And child who is almost three. He seems very mature, but at the same time, just a kid. Probably doesnt hang out with people who are younger than him. Id say hes about eighteen - twentyish. Ooh, look at me, fooling around with someone who could be, at most, five years older than me, maybe older. .Okay, Im fifteen, but dont tell him, okay? If I was one year older, it wouldnt really matter. Sixteen is the legal age for consent in our state. Hmm. My Adam is my older cousin, and would probably murder him for hooking up with me. And if he found out he took my virginity oh, boy. He is very protective of me and wont let me meet any of his friends. So there is a chance were talking about the same Adam. Well, he doesnt have to know, I said deviously, cracking a smile. He smiled too, shaking his head. If the law doesnt get to me first, he added in a though tone. How old are you, exactly? Just turned seventeen about a month ago. Okay, so I lied. Big deal. And Im about to be twenty, wow. So, going to be five years apart. Illegal. Very illegal. Or, you know, in his mind, three. I think thats still illegal. I sucked in some air, sharply. Damn. Yeah. So, as much as Id hate to say this, I dont think we should do this ever again until youre of age and I wont go to jail or be murdered for talking to you...or fucking you. I frowned. But - butthe oral, man. He groans. God, I know. Its fantastic, but *sigh* I dont want prison. Or death. Yet. Just then, his phone rang. OH, I WONDER WHO THAT COULD BE, he pondered in a higher pitched voice, grabbing it off the nightstand. He read the caller ID and smiled, but answered coldly. What do you want, Sheldon? Uhhwho? There was a brief pause while Sheldon answered. Is Sheldon gay or something? (Author: Haha. Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory is gay.) His voice was very high pitched. It sounded like he was freaking out. Blakes face just dropped. Youre about to WHAT? WITH WHO?! Another pause and then, Seriously, Liz. Who? Liz? I thought it was Sheldondifferent person on the phone now? She better not be anything other than a friend to him. His jaw hung low. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Him of all people? He groaned in disapproval. Please dont. I will kill myself if you sleep with him. Okay, I really want to know who hes talking to right now: Liz or Sheldon. Maybe Liz is gonna bone Sheldon?

Why are you calling me? To just tell me youre giving it up? *pause* Wow. You would. *even longer pause that ended with him rolling his eyes* Im a guy; how am I supposed to know what it feels like for a girl? Then he took a look at me and smiled. Well, wait. I might know a little. Apparently its really unpleasant. *pause* He laughed. Youre welcome. He sighed again. Seriously? It feels like a train driving up your vagina. Good luck. And then he hung up. I still sat there, looking at him expectantly. Who was that? Liz, he said before shaking his head. My friend. Shes only been with chicks and now shes gonna go give it up to - he shuddered - David. (Hobo: Ew.) Who? This really skeevy guy. Hes my friend, but so not the kind of guy you want to be your first. I think she just wants to get it out of the way. He let out a bizarre groan. But I dont want her to! He better not like her. I made myself chuckle. Why? Besides the obvious. I dont know. She just shouldnt go giving it away because she doesnt want to be a virgin anymore. Thats so dumb. Uh-oh. Thats kind of why Im here. I just thought, Hey, now or never. Might as well give it away with style. Blakes cute and Ive talked to some girls who somehow know him - all I had to do was describe him and they all knew; mostly because of Frehley - and they said some very nice things about what happens in the bedroom. To keep it short, he knows how to fuck. I just never got to actually be fucked by him. Well, finger and tongue-fucked, but not full-on fucked. But he does have my virginity. Like, cherry done be popped and everything. Oh, what am I doing? You were there. And now hes saying its dumb to give it up because I dont want to be labeled as virgin anymore. Maybe I shouldnt have done that. I shouldve stayed home. But when he called, all bored, I couldnt say no. I shouldve, but I didnt. I knew what would happen if I came over here and it did. I wanted that to happen. And it did. And now Im regretting it. Stupid so-called friends pushed me into it. They planted the idea in my head - One of us has to get with him and he chose you. But I went through with it. My virginitys gone and I cant get it back. When he asked if I really wanted to do this, I shouldve said no. But its just so hard to say no when youre already seconds away from doing it. But he kept asking if I was sure. Like, every couple minutes. I kept saying yes. Oh godddd. I wanted to curl up into a ball and cry until I died. Oh, god, you dont regret it, do you?

Yes. So much. But I shook my head. No. I knew my voice said otherwise. I just hope he knows were dating after this. I gave it up to him; we have to get married now. The way he looked at me; he knew I was lying. He looked sodown. Then he suddenly grunted, shoving his face into his hands. Gah - Im sorry. Dont be. I shouldnt have even called you, he went on. But I didnt want to sit alone in my house while it stormed - which aint even fucking happening! It didnt. It never stormed. I even got a text from Weather Channel, minutes before he called me, saying it was going to, badly. And I just wanted to have sex - so much. But I have other people I couldve called, but then I remembered I said Id invite you over when I got my apartment, and I did. Because I told you to, I pointed out. Im the reason; its my fault. I wanted to do this why else would I have come over? I knew this would happen and I wanted it to. He shook his head. I shouldve hung out with Liz - I was going to. Couldve saved her from dealing with this situation later. Shes going regret this. She doesnt even want to give it up to him. She said he was her last resort. That she might as well give it to someone somewhat cute. Oh, the irony. He pushed out a short laugh. She was actually going to call me, but she sent the text to th e wrong number. Im in her phone as Broskii and Davids Bozo, so theyre right next to each other. And that raised the question, So, if she did ask you towould you have? He took a second to think about it before shrugging. Maybe. I dont know. But you were already here when she supposedly texted the wrong person. I think she said twenty minutes ago and he answered herlike, a minute later, and after freaking out because the text wasnt from me, she called me -after talking to David to get to know him better so she could comfortably give it up to him. Shes going over there now. You couldve just ditched me. Then I wouldnt have anything to regret. Wellwe were kind of in the middle of something. Oh? Then I smiled, remembering just what. I had sex with him. I was strangely happy about that now. Oh. He joined me. Yeah. After reminiscing, I patted him on the knee. Call her. He just stared at me, shocked. What, why? To stop her, I said like duh. As much as it kills me to say, you obviously care about her to some extent if you dont want her giving it away - to someone whose not you, anyway, or just in general. And she must like you, too, because you were her first choice. Soyeah, hurry before she makes a big mistake.

No. No, why? It just came out before I even got a chance to stop it. It hurt me to say that, because, like I said many times before, he was my first and we should get together. Not him and her. But he feels for her, and I dont want her to make the same mistake I did. Not that I regret giving it to him, per se. Just because I rushed into it with someone I barely knew. If I knew him better, I probably wouldnt be regretting it. She shouldve texted him; he should be with her right now, giving her an awesome first time. Which, if it didnt hurt so much and he didnt stop, it wouldve been awesome for me, too. Butshes been with chicks. Ive seen videos on how they do it - hotly. And with dildos. Just saying, but I dont think it should hurt for her. Hed probably have a better time with her. Are you serious? he asked after a few more seconds of silence. I nodded stiffly. Yeah. I took his phone out of his hands into mine. He was still in the contacts/recent calls. The only recent-recent one was Shelton. ..OH. Not Sheldon. Maybe thats her last name or just her name in his phone. Must be an inside joke. Whatever it is, I reluctantly clicked on call icon. After a few seconds, a little timer started, meaning the call was being made. I shoved the phone back to him. He fumbled with it but didnt put it to his ear. He just looked at me like I was from heaven. I tried to smile back but it just hurt so much. It hurt to smile. But this was going to make him happy her happy to know he cares. There was a little voice coming from his phone. I could kind of hear it; when I grabbed his phone, I mustve turned the volume up. Good. Maybe Ill hear this conversation. Blake? it said. His eyes widened and he quickly brought the phone to his ear. Shelton? Yeah? she seemed to squeak. He sighed, relieved. You didnt do it yet, did you? There was a little laugh - hers, of course. No. But I think I just - I didnt hear what she said after that. Mustve been funny, because he laughed loudly. Hold on. He covered the receiver and said to me, You probably didnt hear that - she said no, she didnt, but then she said I think I just gave my virginity to a tampon. Again, I made myself chuckle. Funny. He got the phone back to his ear. Wait, what do you mean? He stopped to groan with disgust. Ugh. You started your - It sounded like she said, YUP! He groaned again. Awesome. I think she started explaining something, also funny. He laughed and said, Wait, hold on. He pulled the phone away and, apparently, put it on speaker. Holding that side of the phone to us, he said, Okay, start it again from the beginning - you have to hear this, he told me just as she began speaking.

Kind of static-y, but loudly, she said, I started my period, like, the second I stepped into his neighborhood. I was just like, Ew, yeah, no. Aunt Flos in town. Cant do this. which, thank God, because I really didnt want to give up to him. Hes so grody! I know! Blake moaned along with her. I cant believe you even considered him. God, I shouldve double-checked before I hit send. She started laughing. He was just like I sent him - well, I thought you, Hey, man, I never banged a dude before. Kind of want to. Can you help a sistah out? And he replied, like, a minute later, HELLZ YEAH! And I - I saw I sent it to Bozo and not Broskii and I was like, SHIT! No, not you! But then I just thought, Eh. Why not? Then I tried to make small talk, because Im gonna to sleep with him; gotta get to know him a bit and hes actually pretty alright. But I still was like, Id so rather have sex with Blake, but okay then, Fate. Be a bitch, you know? But then fate worked for me and sent me my monthly visitor. Oh, man, he said, finally calming down, not laughing so hard anymore. Yeah, but I still wanna do a dude, so, in five to seven days, expect a text from me. He laughed again. Better actually text me this time. If I get another call from you saying *high pitched voice*, Shit - I texted the wrong person! I will fucking cry. She laughed this time. Oh, I swear Im about to just delete his number. This fuckers ruining all my plans. You know how many times I texted him instead of you? And its always something supe r private or just not meant for him. So annoying. Well, as cute as they are, I started feeling a bit jealous of how he was with her; theyre conversations just flowed. You could just hear how much they liked each other, how comfortable they were. I started to stand, getting my flip flops on. Id never be like that with him. I wanted to kill her. Blake had surprisingly noticed I had gotten up to leave and looked up at me. He said to Shelton, interrupting her from another story, Hey, hold on again. Alrighty. He covered the receiver, now talking to me. Wh - where ya goin? I pointed to the door. Gonna get home before it finally starts to rain. ButI dont want to be alone while it storms. I still made my way to the door, opening it. I shrugged, but before I got to say anything, Shelton was. Hey, man, its starting to rain a bit, and Im miles away from home - miles to go before I sleep. You got your new apartment, right? Over by Kings Chapel? He removed his hand, answering her. Its in Kings Chapel. Yeah. Im about ten minutes away from there right now - wanna have a slumber party? It looked like he wanted to say yes - like he was about to scream, HECK YEAH, but then he looked at me. I knew he was going to tell her no because he didnt want me to feel bad. I just motioned to his phone.

There ya go. You wont be alone. He sighed, covering the receiver again. Gabby, Woah. He remembered my name. Dont be like that. I can tell her no. You dont have to go. Blake - Plus, its going to rain. I dont want you walking in the rain. And I dont want her walking in the rain. Ill be fine. I have a zillion friends that live around here. Ill find someone. He just looked at me again. No. Now, I have to go before I cry. And I tried to get out of there as fast as I could, ignoring him, going out the door, leaving.

CHAPTER FOUR
I couldnt stop staring at her pants - Sheltons. They were really weird. They were pants thats not whats weird about them - but they just looked a bit toofitting. I reached my hands out - both of them - and tried to grabbed a little pinch of them, but couldnt. Really fitting. So I just rubbed her knee awkwardly. They felt even weirder. She had stopped talking when I first touched her. She was now just staring at me like, Can I help you? My hands recoiled away like her pants were made of fire. Oh, uh, I pointed to them. I was just youre pants are very intriguing. They dont feel like pants like normal pants. She laughed, obviously at me. Theyre made out of this stretchy elastic material. Very much like tights, jeggings, or whatever. It actually hurt to put them on. I laughed because she said it cutely. Oh, so I guess getting them off you is out of the question. How the hell can I flirt like a bamf with friends? Not completely, she said with a smile. Still in the ballpark. Its just going to take you thirty minutes to hit home base. I actually cackled. And you wore them to go get laid - good idea. She laughed once at first, then more as she thought about it. Oh, heh, yeah. Guess my subconscious really knew I didnt want to do him and forgot to tell me to change into something removable. Again, I laughed, but didnt know what to say, so I just laughed. There actually was something I was going to say, but decided against it, because I didnt want things to be weird after. I was going to say, God, I love you, you know, how friends do? Ive said it to her before, and shes said it to me, but it felt weird right now. I dont know why.

So, yeah, Shelton is over. I dont even want to think about Gabby right now - but I will talk about how I was so fucking right. Her name IS Gabby. Knew it. I will also say it started raining like a bitch so she - hopefully - made it home without being completely drenched. And it probably was the same Adam, goddammit. And Ill probably never talk to her again, so Ill never figure it out or at least be warned to avoid him. I probably wont know till the end of summer. Oh, and, just so you know, she was so wrong about the, heh, me liking Shelton. Heh. SO wrong. Just wanted to make that clear. Well, I mean, shes my friend, of course I care about her and like her, but the normal amount. And whatever else she said, so wrong, and the normal amount(Hobo: Youre such a liar. Me: -_- get out.) Anyway, yeah, shes over and were just chillin like villains in my room. And dont worry, I changed my sheets. Gabby had them soaked. ;D Shelton was in the middle of groaning about David some more when I groped her. Hes actually all weve talked about. And I think shes done with that topic now. Im done with this topic now - can I light one of these? she asked, already reaching for those sticks you light on fire and they smell like weed. Well, the ones my mom gave me anyway. I think theyre called patchouli or something like that. What are they, like incense or whatever? Anyway, I should answer her. Yeah. And doubting that she had one herself because theyd serve no use to her, I grabbed a lighter of my nightstand, throwing it at her. You might need that. And I so dont smoke I just have a shit-ton of lighters. Okay, just kidding. Me and cigarettes have a beautiful, on-and-off-again relationship. Gee, thanks. She grabbed it, crouching over with the good smelling stick in the other hand. Why do you even have these? Before I told her why, she gasped, looking back at me seriously. Youre not gay, are you? Wow, was all I said. Not that theres anything wrong with that. Its just - She took her index finger from her eye and down her cheek to signal a tear. Id probably cry; Id be saving myself for a gay man. And, again, before I even got to finish laughing, she was onto something else. Can we go outside? She gasped excitedly, jerking around to me on her knees. Ooh to Marshs? Were, like, just a block away. She put her hands together like she was about to pray, which is pretty useless because God so allegedly hates gays and shes part gay, so Gods not listening to her prayers. (:

Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please - Okay, I said, interrupting her, but not to grant her prayers (even though Im basically God, but dont hate part or full gays). If youre on drugs or something, Im going to be so pissed. How dare you not share? She smiled really toothy at me. Sorry, bub. That was the last of it. But I swear, next time, me and you. Oh, thanks, man. Yup. And its raining, anyway, I continued with my opposition, arm flinging towards the window. Im not getting my board wet, so wed have to walk. In the rain. Are you really up for that? Of course is it supposed to be on fire like that? I looked where she was looking. The incense thingy was going nuts. She still had it in her hand, too. God, I hope so. You should probably put it down. Probably. She looked around before asking, Where exactly? Oh, uh, good question. Isnt there a thingy doo thing - there should be a thingy doo in - She grabbed something out of one of the many remaining boxes in here. It was a glassthing. Oh, this? She sat it on the side table and stuck the burning stick in it; kind of looked like that was where it belonged. Yeah, that works Mmm. I inhaled deeply. Smells like hippie. She laughed, taking a deep breath, too. I could get use to this. Very nice oh, hey. She was getting excited, like she just had an interesting thought. She sure did. I want a dog. Okay, you are definitely on something. What the hell is wrong with you? She just shrugged. I honestly dont know. I think Im tired. And yet you want to go on a walk? She nodded a bunch. Yup. My bodys weird. Yeah, I know. Ive seen it naked. And she hits me. I just shrugged, smiling. Well, dang. Its true. Frehley wants to get a dog, too. And Im honestly considering it. That way when she ditches me for Hades and Persephone, I wont be completely alone. Oh, you should! she said like a maniac. Then I could just come over to get my fix of dog, because I dont think my dad would even allow me to get one, especially when college is right around the corner. I would basically live over here. She suddenly started hitting me, gasping. I tried to shield myself with a pillow. Ow, what the hell, Liz? She stopped freaking out long enough to stare at me oddly. Liz? she said, sounding hurt. I didnt really catch anything she was throwing at me, and stared back at her, confused.

Yes? That is your nameisnt it? I began questioning whether or not that was actually just the incense or I had some weed lying around and it had somehow caught on invisible fire and was fucking with me right now. Was I really talking to Liz or was this someone else in front of me? Wellyeah, but not to you. Im Shelton, Blake. Ive always been Shelton. She got up and literally sat on me, hands cupping my face. She began poking me and doing that eye thing eye doctors do to your eyes. Are you okay? I think the incense it getting to you - ITS NOT REALLY WEED; ITS ARTIFICIAL! Oh, my God, I laughed, poking and tickling her sides in hopes shed get off. She just cackled, but stayed on. Then I realized shes, like, ten pounds. I just lifted her up and threw her off me. Geezy-Weezy, man, she huffed from beside me, fixing her hair. I try to check and see if my best friend is okay and I get tickled and flung to my death - I couldve died. But whatever! I put my hands up, defensively. Hey now, you attacked me first with your odd, alien-like prodding and demonic chant - and you hit me, physically assaulted me. It was my right to protect myself, mkay? I said the last part like that weirdo teacher does on South Park. She was laughing like crazy at how funny I am, because I am hilarious as fuck. Well, golly! I was just scared - you had me scared. You called me by my first name; thats just not like you. The only people to call me by my first name are the ones I hate with a passion, and if you start doing that, too, Ill be forced to hate you and I dont want to hate you because I love you. I was just - she frowned and sniffled dramatically - scared, mkay? And I cackle this time. God, Shelton is great. And she said she looooooved me. Guess I couldve said that earlier. Next time. I seriously dont know whats wrong with me! Ive been calling you Liz in my head lately. Not sure why. Kind of freaking me out - Hey, just remembered something. I gasped. Im your best friend? She nodded, grinning. Hell yeah. Youre awesome. Now, I may not be your best friend, but you are mine. And you dont have to go making mental changes to your friend list - moving people around, ditching some, just to make me in your top ten. Its cool. Laughing I said, No, honestly, you may actually be my best friend. I think I hang out with you more than I hang out with Adam, and I - for some reason - address him as my best friend even though he sucks - -major Hot Pockets, she finished for me, still grinning. I smiled big, too. And heres another good example of why you should be my best friend and not him: best friends finish each others sentences, not alcoholic beverages they still want. She laughed. Yeah, he does have a few problemsand other than being emotionally and mentally unstable, I have none. I laughed for what was probably the fifty-thousandth time since shes been here. Seriously, you are so awesome, I went on with my praise.

She continued smiling. As are you. And since Im so awesome and so your best friend - this is what I was going to say before you went all psycho and called me by my first name like some creep - we should just move in together. Then you wouldnt be alone like you said. But we can still get the dog; no reason the dog has to suffer just because you get a roomie. This is actually perfect, I said, liking the idea and remembering something else. My mom said I could get a roommate if I wanted and I want, so there you go. I put my hand out for hers. She took it and we shook on it. Hows it hangin, roomie? She leaned back and struggled to look down her pants. I was already laughing. A little to the left. Hows it hangin for you, buddy? I did the same as her. Only I didnt have to lie. Also to the left. I looked up in amazement. Weird. That shit cray-cray, she said real ghetto-like making me laugh again. Youre lame. She struck a super hero pose. The lamest. Now can we please go to Marshs? Im somehow bored. I clicked my tongue, going, Eeeehhhhh - alright. She cheered and then I cheered and then I got on some pants and we headed out the door. It had stopped pouring and was now lightly drizzling, like I said it would. So, if Gabby just hung around for a while longer, (Im sure Shelton wouldve been fine with it. Shelton: Ahaha no.) she wouldnt have had to be possibly drenched. js. At Marshs, we looked at cards, bought two big cream filled donuts, two of the new Mountain Dews: Dark Berry, and a pack of Skittles, and hung around there for a bit. We headed to McDonalds around ten-ish. We did all the normal procedures at Mickey-Ds: ate our donuts while taking pictures. I mean, no duh. Sheltons a girl. You want the rest of my donut? I asked her after a few minutes of intense picture taking. Yeah, sure! She started reaching for it but stopped short and looked up at me. What did you do to it? she demanded. Nothing! Why would you think I did something to it? I asked, shocked. Because you always do, thats why! I sighed before saying, Shelton, really? I just don't want the rest of it. And earlier, you said that you havent eaten anything all day. Rather than throwing this delicious hunk of sweet love we call a donut away, I thought Id give it to my starving best friend in need. Geez. She just stared at me before saying, Oh Yeah. Now, do you want it, or not? No, I want it. Thanks. I handed it to her. Just as she was about to devour it, she stopped again. Just to be surehere. She handed the sabotaged donut back over to me. Crap.

But - I dont wanna - EAT IT! WELL, GEEZ! Okay. GodIts just a donut, I love donuts. I will eat this! But not all of it, because I gave it to you, so I dont see you eating it, she stated. Yeah, well, I don't see you eating it either, so chill out! I retorted and she laughed. Then I heard some guy chortle from the other side of the room. We exchanged glances. I turned back to the problem ahead. The sabotaged donut. EehhheehhughOh, what the heck? I took a big bite to satisfy her and chewed slowly. You happy? came my muffled question. She shrugged, grabbing it from my hand. Overjoyed. Oh! Her phone rangshe answered it. While she did, I held up our trash, motioning to the trash can. She nodded. I bolted over there, spit up the donut, and dumped our trash in the trashcan. The guy who was chortling earlier, guffawed this time. I rubbed my tummy, returning to Shelton. And the donut was nowhere to be found. I dropped that donut in the middle of the street. She was there - how did she not notice me scream in agony and curse God? Then again, she was babbling on about her period and she knows how uncomfortable that makes me. Who was that? I asked seeing her hang up her phone, getting this horrible feeling in my stomach. I almost ate something that was marinated by dirt and gasoline. I suppressed a hiccup. My - Great. Now, can we go home? I just wanted to throw up and go to sleep. Sure. Yay. The second we stepped out the door, she said, So I had a dirty dream last night. I raised my brow, interested. Oh, really now? She nodded, seeing my attentiveness. Yup. I think thats why I suddenly want to have sex with a guy - it was a guy in my dream; not a girl. And, will not lie, it seemed pretty nice. Well, go on, I urged. She smiled, shaking her head at me. Oh, I dont think so. It was, uhm - itd be weird if I saidwho it was about. Jokingly, I said, Ooh, me? And I wasnt expecting her to say, Yes, actually. I choked on air. wha - woah, really?

Sure enough, she nodded hesitantly. Yup. That doesnt make things weird now, does it? Because if it does, I was lying. Strangely, no. I have a lot about you. But thats normal, right? Friendsdo that stuffright? She looked dumbfounded, like completely shocked. I dont see why. If anything, it would make me feel flattered and that it does. But then she said, Wha - you do? and I immediately stopped walkingright in the middle of the streetand theres a car. Yep. Speeding right at me. Wait, what? Dude! she cried out, grabbing my arm, yanking me to the sidewalk. What the hell? I made sure I stared straight ahead. Dont look at her; just start walking. Did I say that out loud? She caught up with me pretty quickly, which was surprising because I was almost running. Goodness, Blake, slow down. She grabbed my arm again, pulling me back to a stop. But not for long; I started walking again. She did, too. What, that you have a lot about me? Yeah, you kinda said that. Awesome. NOT. Thats not gonna make things weird now, is it? Nah. Kinda flattered, actually. I stopped walking; she didnt. When she noticed I had stopped, she finally did, too. Like, twenty feet ahead of me. She turned so she was completely facing me and gave me the what-theeff-bro? look and gesture, saying, What the eff, bro? I realized I was being kind of dumb for having a minor panic attack. I mean, I said I was a bit flattered that she had one about me and now she knows Im a weirdo, too; and now shes saying shes flattered as well. And thats just dandy. So I shrugged way too much in two seconds and started walking nonchalantly again. Nothing. This is just cool. She laughed, beginning to walk, too, latching her arm around mine. If this situation was any cooler, itd be giving us two thumbs up, going, Aaaaaayyyyy! and then request to be called The Fonz. Or at least be wearing some very hip sunglasses. Seriously, could you be any lamer? She held her finger up and showed me she could. She said in a veryodd voice, Well, Chandler, if I was any lamer, I could walk into a room and that alone would just scream, Lame-o supreme-o! Everyone would hear. Have you heard it? Yes. No? Then I obviously could be lamer, alright?

I laughed, yanking my arm away from her like she waswellshe is weird. You just outlamed yourself. Dont touch me, Lame-o Supreme-o. She just giggled, grabbing for my arm again, but I did the manly thing, and ran away from her, laughing (squawking) like a manic. Not sure why, but the laughing felt right at the time. But Sheltons got a little space left thats not being occupied by lame and is actually filled with cool, and she joined me with the maniacal squawking and ran after me. We ended up racing home. I won. Okay, she won. But thats only because of a fucking dog. The street was dimly lit and the yard had no lighting at all. Also not fenced in, I found. I was honing in on it. The second my foot stepped onto the property, a loud bark and lunging canine scared the shit out of me. Thing that thankfully happened was that the dog had ran to the end of its leash and gagged itself. But I still assumed the standing fetal position and screamed like a little girl. Shelton saw and pointed at me, cackling, but took the smart but maybe more dangerous route, turning for the street, running into it for a number of seconds until she made it passed the yard. SUCKAH! she screamed and continued running down the sidewalk. FUCKAH! I yelled back over the whimpering of the cunty dog. Well, thats what you get, bitch. (Hayley Williams: Thats what you get when you let your heart win. Both: WhoOOo00OoOo0oOO00ooOAaaAAA! Me: I love you. Hayley:

Author: Anyway, back to the story.) SCARE ME AGAIN, I DARE YA! Just then, the dog quickly snapped out of it and barked loudly at me. Oh, shit. Fuck that. And with that, I ran away. God, for having such short, little legs, she sure can run fast. Then again, she is black. What? I can say that. My best friend is black. And short. And a fast runner, so But shes part white, too. Shouldnt that slow her down? Just saying. Well, either way, I ran faster and eventually caught up with her. At the door to the lobbylike/mail room of our ( :D ) apartment complex. I got her just as she was grabbing onto the door handle. NOT ON MY WATCH, MUNCHKIN! I declared, picking her up bridal style. I ignored her squeals for me to put her down and ran x-amount of feet away, setting her down on her bootay. HEY! she wailed and quickly stood to her feet but I pushed her to her butt. Stay! I ordered, hands on her shoulders. I flicked her nose and then ran off. Tried to anyway. Cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater! she howled, extending her arms out, grabbing onto my ankles. NOT COOL! I hollered, trying to break free, but she held on for dear life. I grabbed onto a light post to steady myself and tried to kick her off. Somehow, she took this as a chance to win. She shot up and flew passed me, only to be grabbed by her sides and tickled. I stopped long enough to pick her up again and set her behind me. HA-HA, HA-HA-HAA!! CURSE YOU! And this went on for, like, 5ever. But eventually, she was in the lead again. I grabbed for her ankle in hopes of tripping her once again, but she broke free, heading for the door. I quickly got back up, but it was too late. She was already inside. I caught the door before it closed completely and chased her up the stairs. We both tripped about the same amount of times, but she still made it to our apartment first. I swear - these short, little legs! HOW? When she turned the knob, I ran faster. But looks like I couldve took my time, because she couldnt quite work the knob open. But I knew karma would be a bitch and that second I slowed down, would be the second shed rip the door off its hinges. Now, I just got that door, dont like it enough to pay for it to get fixed. Plus, who knows? Maybe my door and the one right across from it are cool; if the other door witnesses my door

behind assaulted and possibly murdered, it could be like Freddy Krugger or some shit. Haunt me in my sleep. Or Sheltons. And shell be living with me now, and - remember how theres always this one bitch that ends up dragging everyone down with them? Yeah, fuck that. I dont want killed by a door to be etched on my tombstone. I took a moment to stop running so I could laugh without choking or something. Heh. Hahahhaahahahaoushcjkiascnam,c . Sorry, I was just realizing how fucking funny I really am. And how I can just ramble sometimes. So, lets get back to the story, eh? And that split second I stopped, Karma became a bitch to me, but bffs with Shelton, and allowed her to become a genius at doors and how they work, and she yanked that sucker open and I darted after her. But she grew wings and flew in, cackled evilly and then slammed that door right in my face. And it sounded like she locked it. Her quickly shutting the door in my face didnt really register in brain until it was basically impeded into my brain. Well, not really. (obz) That just seemed funnier to say at the time than I thankfully stopped myself from becoming part of it by extending thy arms out in front of me. Well, thy kind of made it funny. :p I dropped to my knees and cried out, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! And she said, As the cow would say: MOO-HA-HA-HA! You think thatd be it. No. She went on to say, As the beer-brewer would say: BREW-HA-HA-HA! As the maid would say: BROOM-HAHA-HA! As the me would say: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAVE FUN SLEEPING OUTSIDE, BIZ-OTCH! Ahh, shes just a bundle of joy, isnt she? But then, (when I started my fake, high-pitched cry) the sound of a lock unlocking, and the door quickly opened. On second thought, I think I just heard a ghostly moan. Either your new home is haunted or someones getting screwed. Either way, already naturally paranoid. This aint helpin. She stepped aside and bowed like a gentlemen. May I interest you in a pizza Im about to buy with your money? I laughed, getting up. Dusting the invisible dust off myself, I walked passed her, this situation vaguely reminding me of, errrgoddammit. Whatever her name is. And since I was reminded vaguely, I curtsied, saying, Dont mind if I do. She did the wolf-whistle, high-fiving the door shut. Ooh-whee, youre girl enough for me, buddy. Forget the pizza, eat me. OH-HO-HO-HO-HO! <- thats what my laugh sounded like. MY GOD. She laughed, twirling a piece of her hair between her fingers, but then stopped to grumble out, Ah, damn. She pointed down south. Keep forgetting my aunts in town. Damn my luck, I said, shaking my fist to the heavens. Then added like Eric Foreman, But I get to eat pizza, yeah!

She threw her hands into the air. Whoo! And then, yeah, we ordered those fabulous Garlic Bread Pizza things, omg. They are so fucking good. We ate all nine in under thirty minutes, so we were left to snack on anything and everything in the fridge while we watched Spongebob Squarepants: The MovieI think thats what its called. Whatever it is, we watched it and countless other movies until we fell asleep. Golly, I love her so much. Shes just so cool, isnt she? Thank God shes only half-homo. I still got a chance.

I woke up at nine the next morning. How the hell - we went to bed at three. I thought Id sleep til noon. We slept out in the living room. She got the couch and I didnt, so I my back hurt like a bitch. I sat up a bit too fast and got a headache. Awesome. Also, sitting up made me sneeze. A lot. I almost blew my eardrums out trying to stifle the noise, but seems as though it was almost for nothing when Shelton groaned out something that just sounded muffled. Uh. I turned my head to the side and I saw Shelton, lower half dangling off the side of the couch, sleeping with her whole head inside of a brownie pan. Right. I leaned back and yawned, hand settling on something. I just about screamed when the TV flipped the channel from SyFy to Disney all by itself. It also managed to turn the volume all the way up from eleven to forty-three. Thats what scared me enough to scream, actually. I quickly searched for the remote and eventually found it right next to me. Oh, I gave myself a heart attack. I grabbed it and turned the TV off before it woke Shelton up because Im nice like that. I set the remote onto the coffee-type table and yawned again. I glanced back at Shelton and laughed. She's sleeping with her head in a freaking brownie pan for crying out loud. That is adorable. And then her adorableness started to move and I expected her to open her eyes and be freaked out by me staring at her. No, thats not what happened. She grumbled out some more words, turning with her back to me, knocking the pan to the ground. And we have wood flooring so it clanged loudly. I just looked at it then back at Shelton. How did that not wake her? She had laid onto her back. And her shirt had pulled itself above her, errr, chest.

Hmm. I tipped my head to the side and just admired them. Very nice. But the n she made a sound I never thought Id hear her makewithout doing anything to her. She moaned. uh. And then she did it again. And then again. And again and again and again. This is weird. She was covered with a blanket so I didnt know what was going on under it. Or in her head. A thought suddenly popped into my head and my hand flew over my mouth. Is sheyou dont think shes having a dirty dream, do you? Shes had them before; shes told me herself - you were there. And then another thought popped into my head. I wonder if its about me. :D Thatd be cool. Suddenly, she let out a loud moan and jerked to the side, back facing me again. I still just sat there, staring at her, not knowing what to do. So I just got up and headed for my room. Think Ill leave her alone. Right when I opened the door, I froze. There were two windows in my room. One on the left wall and one thats directly across from the door. A pretty big one. And I live in an apartment complex, need I remind you. So were basically surrounded by other buildings. Directly outside that one window was my neighbor's apartmentand their window. Well, here's why I froze. Through their window, this hot, hot, hot - maybe the hottest girl in the world was changing. No, I'm not a pervert, but DANG. Her curtains were wide open; it is somewhat hard not to look. Plus, she was just in her under-panties. Humana humana humana HOT. Oh and no, her back, like Sheltons, was facing me. All of a sudden, her head turned my way, right when I was staring. I know from experience, changing in your room, not thinking youre being watched and turning around and seeing that theres someone gawking at you - its kind of scary. Ill explain latermaybe. If I remember. Her eyes widened as she gasped out, Oh my god! frantically grabbing an article of clothing off her bed, covering her chest. I still stood there, mouth agape. I saw titties. And they were nice STOP IT. I just moved here, next to a REALLY hot girl, and I ruin that already. She probably thinks I'm some kind of creeper. GOD DAMMIT! I cursed at myself, but then realizedshe was still standing there, eyes wide. What the hell? Go away. Shut your curtains and run away like a normal girl who just got

peeped on while changing would do. I think I broke her or something. Thats why shes not reacting normally. Eh, oh well. I guess Ill do the freaking out. But since I didnt have curtains on that window yet, I settled with this I literally fell to the ground. I don't think I will be able to get up again. Who knows what she's thinking. Maybe I'll be lucky and she didn't even notice me Oh right. I think I laid there for ten minutes, maybe, before getting the idea to crawl to safety. Shes probably not even there anymore. Right when I thought I was going to die on this floor, the doorbell rang and I wondered who it couldve been. Oh wait *GASP*MY MOM BROUGHT FREHLEY BACK! I got all excited and I hopped up. I ran to the door and opened it anxiously. I stared blank ahead at who was now in front of me. Smiling awkwardly, I slammed the door and ran back to my room.

CHAPTER FIVE
Who was that? asked Shelton groggily, sitting up. No one! I yelled running passed her, grabbing my pillow off the ground, throwing it at her head. Okay, ow. And if they knock again, ignore it. I slammed my door shut before she said anything else, pressing my back against it, hoping I would melt into it. Hot neighbor and I go all peeping-tom on her, and now shes at my door. With a hot friend. Oh god what have I done? Why is she even here? I dont understand people. Then something happened that made me go weak in the knees and fall to the ground again. "Hello," I heard Shelton say from living room. NO! She answered the door. GREAT. I'm so sorry about him," she continued. "I honestly dont know whats up with him. I heard them laugh, and listened to them talk a bit. And then Shelton invited them inside. She invited HER inside! I am going to die of awkward embarrassment. Shes definitely going to ask me to come and greet them with her. Why why why why why is she here? Seriously, why? I would try to avoid me after that. Normal people would do that. But of course, people in movies and books are always doing that shit, going into awkward situations.

Yes, I am aware Im a fictional character. Are you? I don't want to be known as a creep. Ugh, maybe she should learn how to close her freaking blinds when shes changing. Sure enough, Shelton called me into the living room to meet them. "Blake! Get out here. We have neighbors! she chirped happily. I knew she had mouthed Hot neighbors to herself because shes just that type of idiot. "Umm, I think I caught a very contagious cold," I called back sheepishly, pulling a blanket off my bed to cover up with. I heard her say, Hes joking. Ill just go get him. She walked down the hall and into my room to drag me out. No! Oh, come on! She tried pulling the blanket away, but I frantically tucked it tight around me. Leave me alone. Why? Theyre kind of hot. Very hot, I corrected her, pulling the blanket down a tad, and she laughed, agreeing. Exactly. Whyd you let hottie and hottie stand out in the hallway? Did we light an incent or something? She suddenly grabbed my face, forcing me to look into her gorgeous hazel eyes. o_O. Anyway. ITS ALL A LIE, MAN. SNAP OUT OF IT! NOTHING TO SNAP OUT OF! I said, prying her hands off my face, sitting up. Its just I kicked the door shut so they didnt hear. Shelton raised her brows at me. Uh? I sighed, slumping my shoulders. Its justblack hair hottie, I kind of, possibly, maybe, perhaps...saw herin the nude. Her eyes widened as she started beating me. Oh, you dog, you! You shagged that? For some reason I was repulsed by that and let out an irritated groan. Ugh, no. I dont even know her. But then we both broke out in insane laughter. HAHAHAHA GOOD ONE, BRO! I KNOW, RIGHT? LIKE I CARE! But seriously, no. This morning, wellten minutes ago, when I woke up - I didnt want to wake you, so I got up and went to sleep in my roomjust causeand right out my window - that one - is the hotties apartment. And just my luck, she was in the middle of changing, turned around, saw me, but didnt really have the normal freak out and just stared at me. I thought it was weird - one of us should be tripping, so I did and fell to the ground, laid there for a bit and then, boom, she shows up at our door with a hot friend.

Wow. Yeah. I dont wanna go out there. She nodded, understanding. I understand. But one thing I dont get - why the hell is she here after all that? RIGHT?! Well, I say, since you basically know that one, I get brunette-y. Alright, BREAK. She threw her hand and the rest of her body into the air, going for the door again, but stopped and went back to me, yanking the blanket off me. She grabbed my hand, yanking me up, but failed. A little help here? Eh. Please? No. Please? No. Please? No. Please? Fine. Really? No. Her face fell and I busted out laughing evilly in her cute face. .seriously, whaddup wit me? Nothing. Friends can think other friends are cute, and thats it. She eventually got me to get up by saying we should try and get this over with so theyll be gone by the time my mom brings Frehley home, because that would be awkward if they were hereand yeah. Did that make sense? oh well. Yeah, it didright? "Umm, hey. Sorry about closing the door on your guys faces. I, uh, thought I saw a bee." Thinking that excuse wasn't enough I added, "I think I'm allergic to bees." I popped an uncomfortable smile and then gave a pleading look to Shelton. To my surprise, both the chickees laughed. Its okay, black-haired said. I brought my head up to study both their faces. They looked like they were serious enough. Phew. Relief overwhelmed me. Maybe I hadnt completely embarrassed myself.

Okay, well, Shelton held her hand out for black-haired. The names Liz, but you can call me Liz. Getting a laugh or two, she dropped her hand then turned to brunette with a flirty smile, grabbing hers. You can call me whenever you want. I let a snort out at Shelton while they laughed yet again. Smooth. She cracked that toothy grin of hers. The smoothie-est. Bethany, brunette introduced herself, still holding onto Sheltons hand, matching her previous flirty grin. Of course, shes into girls, too. Surprising. Next thing I know, I got a hand in my face. I started to flinch but then realized it was blackhairs. I took a couple seconds, giving her an odd look, but still ended up grabbing it a little too fast. The supposed handshake wasn't going on as much of a shake. I couldn't remember how to move for a second. So I was just holding her hand. Luckily, I snapped out of it. I shook her hand for like two seconds and then let go abruptly. How much more awkward can I possibly get? Oh great, now that I asked, Im going to get a whole lot more awkward. Shes not being weird about it. Why am I? She should be, but shes not. So I need to chill. Im Elizabeth, too. I usually go by Liz, but you can call me Beth to keep things easy. Both Shelton and Is neck snapped to her face. Seriously? I asked incredulously. Your names Liz? She smiled, making a clicking noise with her mouth, nodding. Yup. Youre Blake, right? I slowly nodded, still not believing that. Shelton didnt seem to believe it either. She was still holding Bethanys hand, btw. God, thats creepy, she said, but realized Other Liz might take that the wrong way and quickly added, An odd coincidence, notcreepy - cool, actually, I mean. Yeah. She looked back at her hand then smiled at Bethany. Hi. Bethany smiled back. Hey. I just looked at them both like, What the fuck? Never seen Shelton flirt so hard before. Periods make girls extra horny, right? Well, maybe just her, at least. I looked back at Other Liz and saw she was fucking staring at me. She was smiling, too. I guessthats good, right? I pushed out a smile before looking back at Shelton and Bethany, still holding hands. I made my arm act as an axe and broke their hands apart. Spreading some serious germs there, Shelt. She just stuck her tongue out at me, finally letting go of Bethanys hand. I noticed her slyly wiping her hand against her tight , tight pants. Hah, her hand got sweaty. I turned to Other Liz, finally asking the question. Why are you here, exactly? Not trying to be rude or anything, but

She looked a bit taken back, but cleared her throat. Oh, uh, well, new neighbors. She began grinning. You got pretty familiar with me, so I thought I ought to get to know you a bit. Sonofabitch. I just gave her the wow, okay face while Shelton laughed loudly once. HA. You watched her get changed! I wasnt watching her, I snapped back, shoving her in the shoulder. I wasnt watching you. You were just - I, I swear I Her grin grew and then she laughed out loud. "Chill. It's fine. I had no idea you were gonna be here. I'm pretty used to not having neighbors, so yeah. Maybe I should learn to close my blinds..." "YEAH! You really should." Her smile became even wider. It was contagious, and I found myself smiling too. Though, I don't even know what I'm smiling about. I'm not sure if I should still feel extremely embarrassed or not. At least this is all taken care of. Can it get any worse? Great. Now its gonna. I didnt note Shelton now giving us the What the fuck? face. She let out a weird noise then asked Other Liz - rudely, might I add, Dont you have somewhere to go? We all looked at her with raised brows. Shelton, I said harshly. I hissed like a cat would at her with angry cat claw action, saying, Much? She took a second to give me a strange look and then looked at all of us before apologizing with a weak laugh. Right, sorry. I just - didnt mean for it to come out so*hiss*. But you said you were on your way to work and just thought youd pop in to greet the new neighbors, if Im quoting you correctly. Oh Other Liz pulled her phone out of her back pocket, checking the time. Shoot. Right, uh, gonna be late. She looked to Bethany, hiking a thumb toward the door. We should get goin. Bethany nodded before turning to Shelton who wasnt looking so interested in her anymore, but was just giving the death glare to Other Liz. Okay I nudged her again as Bethany just looked at her confused. Bethany turned back to Other Liz, saying, Uh, yeah, I guess. Other Liz was staring wide-eyed at Shelton, obviously freaked out by her. Shelton rolled her eyes, muttering something under her breath. I gotta take a leak, she announced, heading for the bathroom. Well, thats weird. Whys she being so weird all of a sudden? Ah, probably thinking about her dirty dream and then got mad that there were people here, ruining the mood. Uh, sorry about her, I apologized on Sheltons behalf, opening the door for them. Shes on her, uh - Aunt Flos in town, if you catch my drift.

They both let out nervous laughs. Gotcha, Other Liz said, being grabbed by Bethany by the elbow, and getting pulled to the door. Well, yeah, we live right next door, H26. If you ever need anything - and I mean anything - just come on over. Couldnt tell if she was flirting or just being nice, but then she said, Anything, again all flirty-like, soI just smiled without showing my teeth. Will do. Bye. Later. Bye. And then they left. Alright, well, Im just going to go to my room and change into different clothes. I shut my door behind me, going over to the big suitcase, pulling out a change of clothes. After I made sure I was not in the view of any of the neighboring apartments, I put them on, leaving the dirty ones lying all higgledy-piggledy. I know I could have just closed the drapes but I only have one set and theyre on the window that doesnt open to Other Liz and/or Bethanys window. I gave one last look at Other Liz and/or Bethanys window before grabbing the knob of my door. But I stopped when I heard the front door open and close again. Blake? a womans voiced rang. But even louder than that was a little girls. DADDY?! I got all happy and yanked the door open. FREHLEY! (That looks weird as hell in caps, I know.) DADDY! We embraced and I swung her around, holding her tightly. I missed you sooooooo much! So goddam much. You are never leaving me again, okay? I dont know how Ill make it when she leaves for college. Or when I do. Or we just dont have to go. Who needs ed-jah-mah-cation anyway? Besides the ones who say education like that. I think I was squeezing her a bit too tight, but she didnt seem to mind. Holding her extra close to me, I asked my smiling mom who was now sitting on the couch, Was she good for you? She didnt cry too much, did she? I joined her on the couch as she said, Oh, non-stop crying. I put half a Benadryl in her applesauce so shed sleep. My jaw dropped and I felt a tad angry. You drugged my kid? Only Im allowed to do that. Had to, she said defensively with a Kanye shrug. She would not stop. She just kept crying and crying for you. I was tempted to say Screw this and bring her back, but I made a commitment. Oh, my baby was crying? For me? Gah. Never leaving again, I swear.

Before I could beat her over the head with the remote, the bathroom door opened. I didnt turn and stare at Shelton as she walked out like my mom and Frehley, because I knew she was in there. Oh, Elizabeth, dear, what a surprise. Wizzie! Frehley squealed, doing her version of a wave which is just opening and closing her hand. Yo, Shelton answered all, grabbing Frehleys little hand for a second, sitting behind me on the arm of the couch. Then she wacked me on the back of the head, the bitch. Thanks for not telling me I had brownie all over my face, butt-wipe. I refrained from laughing evilly. Wha - only a few crumbs. It just looked like you had a couple weird freckles. Yeah, lets hope Bethany doesnt think theyre weird. Bethany? my mom asked, puzzled. Who? Our neighbor - yes, our. I smiled big. Sheltons my new roommate. She gasped, clasping her hands together happily. Oh, thats great! Ugh, what is she doing? She always acts like an old, proper English lady around Shelton. I dont get why. Its so annoying. I guess its better than the way she acted around Leah: also as annoying, always cracking jokes. And not even the good ones. Shes one of those Am-I-Right? people. Over the dumbest shit - that you shouldnt want to be right about. This one time, we were just chilling, and I was thirsty, especially for som e Mtn Dew. I wasnt sure if there were even any left, though. So I asked her, What is there, one left? And Leah was there, so she was being annoying. She said, Yeah, if one was short for none, because thats how many are left. None. Am I right? Really. This other time she asked me to take out the trash and I said, Alright. Now, how would you spell that in your head? Which one did you use? All right, like a-l-l, space, right, or just take out the other l and its alright? Why would they do that? Is there a big difference and does my sentence change if I use one but not the other? What if I switch it up from time to time? What happened then? Am I right? And I just wanted to fucking hit her. I think she was just always trying to be funny to get Leah to like her because she was convinced Leah and I were going to get marriedAND THEN have kids, but we just nixed the married part and started humpin two months into the relationship.

So I think she realized trying to be funny even though shes not gets her nowhere, so she just tries to be proper and welcoming and all that cruddy crap. And it still gets her nowhere, so she should just stop. Hmm. I wonder if I got Shelton pregnant, would she stop being like that? Okay, Ill stop. Thats dumb. She ended up staying for about an hour; she brought Frehleys new bed in and we tried to set it up, but its not really working. So, looks as though shes gonna either be sleeping on an air mattress, out on the couch, or in my room like always. I knew that even if we got the bed together, all nice and whatnot, shed still want to sleep with me, so I dont know why I try. Dont really know what were going to do today. The guys all wanted to come over and see the place, but that meant David and he is the enemy. They ended up inviting themselves over anyway. This place is SUH-WEET! awed Marc, collapsing on the club chair we found in the alley. Its not one of those chairs you sit in at bars and clubs, like the fifty-feet-in-the-air ones. This was a what I would later find out from my mother - a Freemont Leather Brown Club Chair. Google that shit. Its beautiful and just fits right in with our nothing-themed living room. Okay, yes. Swiped it from the alley. What? Like I said to Gabby, sometimes you just gotta take what Satan hands to you, and he happened to hand me an almost $300 chair for free. Someone was probably murdered or conceived on it, thats why its out there. Pretty top-notch, I know, I agreed smugly, taking a seat in the recliner we also swiped from the alley. I would later learn it was a Franklin Microfiber Rocker Recliner. And dont worry, we vacuumed and covered them with blankets not found in alleyways. But come on now. You gotta admit, today was our lucky day. Finding half a living room set out and about. Pretty cool. And this recliner is just lovely. Its going to be my seat from now on. I mean it. Ill go all Sheldon Cooper on your ass if you try to sit in it. INCOMING! Move over, rover! yelled Shelton, diving into the little gap next to me. I quickly moved Frehley so she wouldnt get hurt. Shelton kept trying to get comfortable and realized that wasnt really going to happen, and eventually just sat on my lap. Bobby awwwd at us and said, What a beautiful family. He made a camera with his hands. Smile! Shelton and I posed with huge serial killer smiles while Frehley stuck her palm in her mouth. Hows your hand taste? I asked her, making conversation. Good? She nodded, gnawing some more. Yeah. Cool. And I just got the urge to smoke. Damn. And as soon as we all get comfortable. I managed to lay back and relax for about ten minutes, hoping that if I ignored the urge it would just

go away. But I just kept thinking about what I could be doing and how good it feels. I lifted Sheltons legs, getting up, causing both Frehley and her to look at me with wonder. Hold her please. I handed Frehley to her, grabbing my Nike bag from the gro und. I held it in the air, hoping shed catch my drift. Gonna head outside. Shelton caught my drift like it was a hundred dollar bill about to hit the ground, and if it touched earth, it would burst into flames. Alright. But Frehley wanted to come with. She stopped eating her hand and held both of them out for me. This is when I usually pick her up, but I didnt want her to die of secondhand smoke and said, No, Frehley. Stay with Shelton. Ill be right back. She opened and closed her hands, starting to pout. But, but - Daddy... She just looked so confused and heartbroken, like I was never going to come back and she knew it. She was acting like I was abandoning her when I was actually just going twenty feet over to the terrace - if that. Maybe ten. I got down to my knees and gave her a peck on the forehead. Ill be right out the on the terrace. Right there. You can still see me. W-why cant I go out there with you? she asked tearfully, and it made me want to cry and take her out there with me. Oh, my poor baby. But I told her shed be fine and we did the kisses on the palms of her hands so she can put them against her cheeks and get kisses from me anytime. Its something we always do before I apparently abandon her. It seems to calm her down a bit. But when I got up to head for the terrace door, she hopped out of Sheltons arms and tried to follow me out. But Bobby stopped her and told her I would be right back. She just looked so saaaaaddddd. But she put her hand to her cheek, going back to Shelton. God. She has the worst separation anxiety. I cant leave the room without her either bawling or following me out. Its been like that since she was a baby. She doesnt seem to care about anyone else; my parents could leave the room and shes fine - anyone, she doesnt care. I could leave her with my mom or Shelton - even Leah - so shes not alone, but the second Im out of sight, she starts buggin out. I know its normal; shell outgrow it soon, and before I know it she'll be a teen and Ill miss these days. But I just feel like such a bad parent for leaving her when she obviously doesnt want me to. Hearing her cry and cry just sucks. I kind of dont want her to grow out of it. I like being needed and it wont be like this forever, but its so hard to get anything done with her clinging on to me all the time. But shes been extra clingy lately, but at the same time, not at all. You know? Sometimes, if she knows exactly where I am, shes fine. Mostly when there are other people around us. Shelton and I call her a cling-on. Our way of adding a little humor to the horror she feels. I smoked three cigarettes before I felt completely serene again, and went back inside where my legs were hugged like I had been gone for years. Im gonna miss this so much.

I picked her up and we sat back down in the recliner with Shelton. David hasnt said a word yet. Maybe things are awkward with Shelton now. I dont think she told him why she ditched him last night. I decided to get my phone out and text her. Her response was No, he doesnt know, and Im not going to tell him. Thats weird. I told her she should probably tell him so he doesnt think she stood him up. Im guessing she texted him, because his phone buzzed and he looked at the screen, then at Shelton. He answered her, then she answered him, and then she texted me. There. They all ended up staying pretty late. We didnt do much today, just lounged around, watching movies and talking. It was surprisingly not boring at all. Adam always gets bored and suggests we go out and do something. I guess were all the chill, laid-back ones and hes the ADHD one, which makes sense because he has ADHD. Alright, thing that sucks about having an apartment and not a house - or maybe just our apartment complex - no little lay-out-on roofs. Adam and I always used to chill out on our roofs and now we dont have that. But we have the terrace and hot neighbors, so that kinda evens it out. Shelton said she knew Frehley would want to sleep with me and offered to sleep in what should be Frehleys room. That way someones using it. I told her she didnt have to, and she and Frehley could take my room and I could sleep in her room or out on the couch. But she thought itd be rude of her to take my room, seeing as its my room. She also said Frehley wouldnt sleep well if I was in a different room. I knew she was right and we ended up doing the first sleeping arrangement. The sound of clanging pots and pans is what fucking woke my grumpy ass up this morning. COME ON, GUYS! UP, UP, UP! HOT NEIGHBORS WANT TO CHILL WITH US TODAY. I opened my eyes, looked at Shelton, then closed them again. I did NOT sleep well. And this is a shitty wake-up call. Frehley thought so, too. As she curled up closer to me, she yelled, SHUT UP! Shelton finally stopped the all the noise and said, Oh, come on, you poopers. Ill gladly take those hotties all to myself, but Im on my period. Cant do much fun on my part. I need a couple wingmen. LETS GO! "I had a bad dream and didn't sleep too well. Can't we re-schedule this for some other time? Or can you PLEASE go without me? I promise my feelings won't be hurt in any way." "Blake! Theyre hot. Come on!" I could tell she was getting antsy, but I was still calm and wanting to just go back to sleep. "And I look like poo. What time is it anyway?" I asked not willing to check myself.

"Its 12 oclock! I don't know about you, but I am pretty sure you have slept LONG enough! Please, Blakey-poo? My eyes shot open at the blasted nickname and I put on a scowl. J ust get up and get dressed, and then lets please go!" Aww, she just wants to flirt like a dog. Yeah, well tuff crackers. Nothing is getting me out of this bed. Especially if it means seeing the exact girl I would like to ignore and never think about again. I thought you didnt like Other Liz, I assumed aloud, hoping shed remember all the hatred she had of her for some reason, and cancel the plans. Or at least go without me. Well, hate, yeah. But I like Bethany. I havent had a girlfriend in a while, Blake . I want her bad. Eh, but why not. It is 12:00. I might as well. I looked at her eager face - which was only inches away from mine - and nodded my head. She smiled and happily walked out of my room. I started to reluctantly sit up, but was yanked back down by a pair of tiny arms. No, cold. Thats what blankets are for, I reminded her with a laugh, trying to pry her arms off my neck. But she cried out, No! Thats what daddies are for. Oh man. This kid is a genius. As true as that is I tickled her sides getting her to giggle. I took that as my chance and jumped up. Get up, Frelo. Im not the only one whos going to suffer through this. She mumbled something, but covered up with the blanket again. I let her be and slouched my way to my suit case. I made sure my blinds were down before undressing and then redressing. When I was done, I made Frehley get up and get dressed. After a crap-ton of complaining, she finally got up. I let her pick out her own clothes and helped her put them on. She looked in the mirror and realized she was not fashionably gifted and then she let me pick out her clothes. Something we do every morning. But if I dont let her try on her own at first, she gets all fuss y about it. Its just easier this way. We went out to the living room and I sat in my recliner, pulling her onto my lap. As we watched Spongebob, I tried to braid her hair because she wanted me to. It turned out hot, but I realized too late that I didnt have any hair ties and Shelton was busy in the shower, showering . I got up to look for some and when I got back to Frehley, all the braids were falling out and I was not up for re-braiding. Something we also do just about every morning. We need to get you a haircut, I said, ruffling my hand through her shoulder-length hair. Yeah! she approved excitedly. How short?

Uhmmm She started waving her hands in the air. Not sure what that had to do with how short she wanted her hair, but okay. Then she got all of her hair bundled up into her hand, holding it above her head. This short! Thats not exactly a length, I said laughing again. Oh, she giggled and shrugged. Then I dont know! Im thinkin I put my hand right below her jaw momentarily. There? Thats how short it was before. She took her hand then put it where mine was. She nodded enthusiastically. Yeah, I like that! Then it settled. When do you want to go? She did the duck lips, humming, as she thought. Hmmmmmtoday? Today? I asked, double-checking because sometimes she changes her mind right after she makes a decision. But she nodded. Yup! Well, alright. I dont see how she can get so excited about just anything. Or how she still has a working vocal box after how much she yells when she answers a simple question. Its kind of refreshing, her eagerness. But not too sure I want her to always be like that. A few more minutes passed before the shower turned off and the sound of the drapes being yanked open was made. Then a couple more minutes passed as Shelton dried off and got dressed Im guessing. And a couple more until she walk out, flipping her wet hair back like a diva, then stopped, striking a supermodel pose. Like, a Cara Delevingne supermodel pose. And by that I mean, a pretty pose with a kooky face. (To get a better idea, just Google Cara Delevingne funny and youll see.) Shes wearing my clothes. What a dyke. But they actually looked good on her because she was wearing the clothes I havent worn in years but still had even though they were kind of small on me. Apparently too small because they were only a little loose on her small frame. Do I look fabulous or do I look fabulous? Youre lookin hit, butch. Well, I dont have any clothes here! she pointed out. I just gotta dry my hair and then were off. I leaned back with an indifferent shrug. Take your time. She stuck her tongue out at me, going back to the bathroom. We waited for what seemed like forever but I was so okay with that because I really didnt want to go anyway. But hey, I could possibly finally get laid*chokes back a sob*after all these years.

Well, I know, Gabby. But it wasnt really sex. It was like five minutes of slow and careful thrusting. I dont really count it. She might, but I dont. And its not like Im getting back with Leah soon. I just dont think its going to happen again. But Shelton was saying in five to seven days, were gonna do it, butwhat if Im all rusty at it? I need some practice, full-on practice. Okay, now I want to go. And now that I wanted to go, she was taking her God awful time in there. So I made myself think of all the bad things that could happen if I slept withuhmdamn. Forget her name already. Uhm oh wow. Other Liz. Duh. Okay, if I slept with her - what if she has some disease or something gross and contagious? What if she doesnt and is all clean and ready to go, but no place to do it at? Frehley has a panic attack when I go into the other room for a couple seconds. Shed cry until I came back if I left her with Shelton for a night; doesnt matter if I was in my room with Other Liz or at Other Lizs apartment, shed still freak out. And she obviously doesnt like my parents house. And I dont trust her with anyone else. Except Leah. I could always let Frehley go over there for little visits. She likes Mommy. Butso far away. God. I knew this would happen. Im never getting laid again. Im just going over there for nothing. Nothing is ever going to be able to happen because of Frehley and her issues. I dont want to go now. And just as I thought that, the bathroom door opened and out walked Shelton. OF COURSE. Of course she comes out when I say I dont want to go. Fuck evvveerrryytthhiinnnnnnnnnnnggggg!!! Im ready to rock! she exclaimed with pure joy on her face. She actually looks quite yum. All yummified for a girl who isnt me. I meanboy. I meannever mind. (Hey, Kurt, never mindya get it? Oh well, whatever, never mind. Nirvana? Eh.) "Lets go!" she continued to shout. I picked Frehley up. We followed her outside and we walked down the stairs, out the door, turned to the left, kept walking until we got to their lobby door. Shelton yanked it opened and skipped up the stairs and oh no, we're at the door of their apartment. Maybe I should turn around now before they open the doo"Oh, hello! Come right in!" Eh, Bethany answers the door a little too fast for comfort. Shelton walked right in, but I just stood there on the welcome mat. I hesitated and then decided to just go in.

Wow. I stood there in shock, looking around. Girly. Incredibly girly. It even made Frehley say with disgust, Ew, pink. Right? The place definitely looked like a place I would never manage to live in. First of all, they had a lot of glass, fragile things. I should be really lucky if I make it out of here without breaking one of them. Second of all, ew, pink. Everywhere. It was sogirly. They didnt seem that girly to me. Out of curiosity, I asked, Wheres Other Liz? Shelton looked at me with that same strange look from last night, like I shouldnt even care where that ho is. I dont, but I was just wondering. Sitting on the couch, pulling Shelton down next to her, Bethany answered. Her room. She likes to sleepA LOT. Well, at least we got something in common, I muttered, trying to find a reason to stay. I was still standing. Hathats a TV show. Does everyone get to sleep in but me? Frehley wondered loudly. Hey, I didnt get to sleep in either. I gave a mean look to Shelton. She gave it right back. You slept for twelve hours. Thats about fours of sleeping in you did there. Me: *stink eye face* Her: Right backattcha. Bethany laughed at us, then did the unnecessary crouch down to get to Frehley level even though she was her level because we were all sitting on the couch now. And whos this cutie? I dont remember meeting you yesterday. HI, LADY! is what Frehley shouted back causing Shelton and Bethany to laugh. Well, I guess I should be the one to introduce my child, as much as I hate doing that. Every time I say, Oh, this is my daughter, they always give me that look and say, But youre just a baby yourself; how can you have a child already? Uh, because I had sex with a girl and knocked her up at such a young age. And I can just see them writing me off as a no-good hoodlum. They always do. But I still snuggled Frehley, putting on a big smile. This is Frehley. Shes my daughter. And I think Im going to like Bethany very much, because she smiled hugely, playing with Frehleys little hand instead of obviously judging me. She said, Well, hello, Frehley. Im Bethany. She looked up at me. She is gorgeous; youre striking. Mommys gotta be breathtaking. Oh, she is, Shelton and I both said at the same time. And then we both looked at each other and laughed creepily. Ah. Best friends for life. I hoped and prayed (Hayley Williams: That everything will work out fine - Both of us: You cant just stay out on your knees, the revolution is outside; you want to make a difference, get out

and go and get it woah-oh - Hobo: OH MY GOD. STOP THAT. Me: Right sorrylol just kidding. #sorrynotsorry) I hoped and prayed whats-her-face would sleep the day away and never come out here. I knew the second she would, Shelton would get all mad again, and I dont want her to be mad. Shes all pretty when shes happy. Thoughshe does get a little hotter when shes pissed. But shes my best friend and Im going to be living with her forever and if shes mad, shes not going to be pleasant. So whats-er-face should stay in bed forever. Bethany and Shelton talked for-frickin-ever, about a bunch of shit I really didnt care about. Mostly didnt understand. So Frehley and I played with her feet and she sang the ABCs for me. Shes knows them, for the most part - her ABCs. She talks a lot, says a lot of words for a two year old. I dont think I was even passed: Pfhhttpffhtpasnalcn at that age. Apparently, theyre supposed to be near brain-dead then - I sure as hell was - and only say about fifty words a day or something. She says about fifty every half-hour. She just loves to talk. Half the time her words run together and I have no idea what shes saying, butpretty cute. I think its normal because shes almost three, so shes allowed to talk a lot more than expected for her age. While Frehley and I were in the middle of seeing how high she can count to, the door on the left side of the hallway opened up and out walked the person I was longing not to see today - or ever. Whos here? Other Liz questioned between yawns, eyes shut, and stretching her arms. (Which made her boobs stick out, which was just fabulous. Guess whos not wearing a bra.) Before anyone answered her, she steadied her gaze and it landed on me. A cute smile widened across her face. Oh, Blake, hi. And, Liz, hey, she added the last part quickly, seeing Sheltons nose crinkle up as she gave her a sickened look. But she made that look go away suddenly and replaced it with a nice smile. Good eveningOther Liz. Oh, Other Liz scolded us playfully, sitting down in an arm chair that was near the couch. What did I tell you guys? Call me Beth, seriously. I made that Pfft! sound, waving my hand in the air for a split second as if to knock that last sentence out of it. Nah. Shelton and I have been referring to you as Other Liz, anyway. Itd be confusing if we switched now. Plus, Beth is at the beginning of Bethany. Wouldnt that get confusing for all of us, anyway? Shelton bobbed her head along with me, but Yeah, was all she said. Other Liz and Bethany chuckled at us. Alright, alright. Other Liz it is. Other Liz decided to then make an observation. What is that, like a nickname or something? At first I really didnt know what she meant, so I was just like, What? But then I got it. Oh, Shelton?

Yeah, that. Ive heard you call her that a couple times - thats actually the only thing you call her. Its like a nickname, right? We both nodded, but Shelton replied. My last name. He has just always called me that; hes the only one to ever call me that, andI dont know. She shot a smile at me that I happily returned. Its kinda nice. Makes me feel a little special. And this is when we start to rekindle that flame, our bond, and it was so cheesy. Like we were an old married couple, happily in love, retelling our story of how we met. I just felt to lame saying this. Well, Shelton is one cool last name, and while everyone was calling you by the common nicknames, I just wanted somethingdifferent, and Shelton seemed different enough. And it must be because, unless theyre already in the loop, no one has any idea who Im fuc--frickin talking about half the time - even after we explain it twenty times - So many times, Shelton interjected like she was reliving all those moments all at once. You would not believe it. Everyone forgets and its not that difficult to remember. Exactly. We took a lame moment to purposefully give each other longing looks with tacky smiles. Then she went and ruined it by turning back to Other Liz and Bethany and said informingly, I call him Blakey-poo. And they laugh. Fuck all yall. Yeah, I said after the laughter started to die down, like I was so proud of that nickname. Love it. Other Liz pretended to wipe all the fake tears from her eyes, sniffling. God. That was so beautiful. Seriously. Yeah, Bethany got in on this, too, and began hopping up and down like an excited child. Again! Again! I got that strict dad voice going, wagging my finger at them as if they should know better. Now, kids, one story a night. Weve been through this. Shelton snaked her arm around my side, dropping her head on my shoulder, nodding along like a good wife. She never really officially moved from that position, minus the good wife nodding. Yeah, come on, now. And they sure do like to laugh at us, and they laughed again. Other Liz finally chose to voice that she acknowledged Frehleys existence. And who is this? Frehley stuck her hand out for her. Im Frehley. My youngun. Again, I expected her to judge me, but she didnt. I like these people. Oh! Other Liz said with a big smile, shaking Frehleys hand with hers. Well, arent you just the cutest. Frehley let out a cute little girl giggle with a shrug. Just might be!

Ugh, I love her. And everyone laughs and laughs. And we ended up staying there for quite some time. Oh, and I found out where they work. McDonalds. Cooooooooool. Other Liz said shed give me discounts if I went there when she worked, so I kind of like her now. I told her about how I needed to get a job soon and she said theyre hiring now, so shed try and put a good word in for me, and I really like her now. But I think Shelton hates her even more now. When she said - the way she said it, Shelton mustve picked up the vibe I was also getting from it, that she was obviously sending out: thatd shed be helping me out and Ill eventually need to pay her back. At almost everything she said, Shelton would get progressively closer to me, with the headon-shoulder thing, like I dont knowI feel weird saying it, but it was like she was jealous and this was her way of saying We may just be friends but hes not available, bitch. Back the fuck off. And I dont think Other Liz gave two fucks about those signals and sent hers even harder and more obvious. And it was getting weird. Wellnice, but weird. They kept touching my knees and arms at everything I said, and sometimes when I wasnt even talking at all. I soon made the madness end by telling them Frehley wanted to get her hair cut today, so we had to leave before it got too late. Other Liz was all, Ohwell, darn. Okay, well, whats your number? Maybe we can hang out sometime, just you and me. I stammered nervously, looking from Other Liz to my Liz. Should I give it to her? She said hang out, and hang out doesnt always mean sex. Well, it usually does whenever a girl says it to me, but it doesnt always have to be. II dont have a phone. Frehley was playing on it all afternoon Dammit. She sure was. Oh, yeah You just dont want to say it out loud, do you? She smiled knowingly. I played along. Ya got me. Well, just here. She gave me her phone. I thought about chucking it at the ground and laughing like a maniac, running away, but I didnt. Instead I said, I dont know how to work one of these I heard Shelton snicker, seeing what I was trying to do. Other Shelton - oops, Other Liz smiled and said, Alright, welljust tell me it. Seriously, Bethany will probably figure out what it is , anyway, and Shelton probably already knows it, so youre safe here. You can say it out loud. She called Shelton Shelton. What the - who the hell does she think she is? Only Im allowed to call her that. Its MY nickname for her.

Shelton noticed her enemy calling her by MY nickname for her and her head shot up, and she gave a big ol glare. Other Liz seemed to know exactly what she was doing, but never looked at Shelton, and smiled deviously, still looking up at me. UhO-okayIts *insert my number here* I honestly dont know why I gave her my real number. I thought about giving her the Rejection Hotline number, but remembered I didnt know it by heart, and she may have already gotten it before. After that horrible situation that topped off a horribly wonderful evening, we finally left and got to go home because I remembered I left my Nike bag with all my money in it there. I ended up driving Shelton home so she can start packing all her stuff so she can have it all because shes going to live with me now, yay. :D Oh, and yes, DRIVE. When my mom stopped by she had brought her Durango, and said that I could just like have it, and she called my dad when it was time for her to go and drove home with him. Soshes kinda cool, I guess. Now I can drive everywhere instead of skateboarding. But now all I eat is going to hit me like a train all at once because skateboarding was the only real exercise I get, and I do that a lot. We got to Famous Hair in under ten minutes after driving Shelton home, it was so awesome. Famous Hair is a part of a block of mini stores between Wal-Mart and Khols, fyi. We went in, I told the nice lady at the counter Frehley's name, got flirted with, found an empty seat and sat down and chilled for forty minutes. Gotta love getting hit on everywhere I go. And no, the constant flirtation doesnt make my ego as big as my dick. It actually makes me feel very self-conscious because I always feel like I have to look good no matter where Im going because someone is always going to be there, throwing their horniness at me, even when I reject them. Like, uh, no, honey. You want this, you gotta put a ring on it. And by ring, I mean Nuvaring. I aint having no more kids anytime soon. As much as I love her, the one I got is enough to deal with. I actually laughed out loud, putting a hand to my chest. Ah, snap. Good one, bro. God, no wonder people are always wanting to get with me. Im hilarious as fuck. Forty minutes later, after the people before us were all done and gone, Frehleys name was called. It ended up being $26 because she shampooed and conditioned her hair, cut it, dried it and offered to straighten it even though Frehleys hair was bone straight naturally. I think the reason she thought it wasnt is because when Frehleys hair is wet it looks wavy and curly, but it dries straight. Not that you care. Point is, it was a waste and cost me ten extra dollars. But Frehley was happy with how it turned out, as was I, so it was all good. We went to GameStop afterwards; it was on the same block as Famous Hair. And the employees were straight guys, so no being hit on, yay.

Frehley kept begging me to buy her the new-ish Zelda game, Pokmon Pearl or Diamond, and many other games, but I told her no like a boss. She got sad but when I told her I might just get her a new DS game for her birthday, which is July 25th, and she got happy again. Shes also getting to go to Warped Tour this year on the 31st of July. Ive been going since I was thirteen, every year, and its fucking awesome. I usually go with Leah, Shelton and/or all the peeps in my posse; my mom typically drives us and hangs out at the Reverse Daycare. I brought Frehley last year and the year before - yes, when she was at the young age of negative. (Leah and I went when she was still pregnant with her.) She was screaming Paramore lyrics before she could even talk properly. She loves it and we always have a good time. Its probably the best way to ensure she grows up listening to actual good music. (: Alright, was this a long chapter? Feels like it, so Im gonna go ahead and send yall off by saying this chapter is now over. Okay, byyyeeeee hoes. ;]

CHAPTER SIX
The first thing I thought when I woke up this morning was with blankets to scream. I dont know what the fuck that means and Im a little confused. Im just going to blame it on this. Frehley, Shelton and I listened non-stop to Sleeping With Sirens yesterday, because theyre going to be there this year at Warped, and we want to know every single word to every single one of their songs. I hope thats why. Oh, but if you dont understand, you need to start listening to some good music. They have a song called With Eyes to Hear and Ears to See. Okay, Im just gonna tell you the date of today, so you can keep track of when things are happening. Its June 11th, a Monday. I think. Shelton is now officially living with us, even though her dad was just like Hell no. But when Shelton reminded him that she was only into girls, he said Hell yeah, have fun. Her mom has always been pretty alright with us being alone together. Heh, she thinks Im a wonderful young man, a gentleman. And yes, if you caught that, I said only girls. Her parents think she only likes the female genitalia, because shes only dated the girls, but she likes both. So Oh, uh, I doubt youve been wondering this, but I feel like someone out there must be. Yes, I have been talking to Leah ever since she permanently gave me Frehley. Just because I dont mention it doesnt mean it isnt happening. She misses her veerrrryyyy much and was thinking

about coming down to see her soon but I told her she can go fuck herself. She can wait her two months like the rest of us. Sure, she got a little mad, but still. Anyway, now what? Oh, were gonna go down to the cabin soon, like Thursday soon. Its like a family trip. And the cabin isnt really a cabin. Its more like a house up in Seneca Ville, by the Seneca Ville Lake. Is this making sense? I dunno. Okay, well, sometimes I bring Adam and Bobby and all them, depending on how much of my family is going. I always bring Shelton. One time, Leah. Its family trip, but my real family doesnt want to go this time because theyre busy. We usually go for a couple days, three at most, because someone always has to get back to work, but since its just gonna be a bunch of teens with no jobs, I think were gonna stay like a week, or until we feel like going home. Oh, and hey, guess what. Shelton gets off her thingy doo in like two-ish days. I could cry. But I havent got to practice sex yet with whats-her-face. Im screwed. I need to get over there soon, like very soon. I need to go make a call. Well, first I need Liz to get Frehley out of here for a little while. She likes Liz, and I need to stop calling her Liz. Its Shelton and I need to accept it. Wait - what am I going to tell her? The truth, duh. Well, yeah, but she doesnt like Other Liz. If I tell my Liz Im gonna go do Other Liz, my Liz probably wont like that very much. But what if I add that the only reason Im doing her is so when we do it, Im not bad at it because I - you know. Its been a while. I could always just askuhGabby (right?) how I was. (Oh, and btw, were all chillin out in the living room, watchingwhat is this? Oh, derrr, The Incredibles. We still dont have cable so we watch nothing but movies, basically.) Anyway, I went with Gabby first. I grabbed my phone off the side table, un-hooking it from the charger so I could text comfortably. I always have my phone on the charger - when Im around an outlet. Its just one of the many things Im obsessed with. My phone has to be completely charged at all times; especially when theres a chance I could be going somewhere. Frehley actually wasnt playing with it this time. She was way too absorbed in this amazing movie. Gabbys name in my phone is still Horny Chick. I should probably change that. Meh. I clicked on it and then the message button and typed out the awkward question. To: Horny Chick

From: Me --------------------------------------------------------(1/2) So, uhhey. Okay, I have an odd and undoubtedly awkward question to ask you and I need you to be honest. When we, uh, did it, was it good? And I know it wasnt (2/2) actually as-good-as-it-couldvebeen sex, but up until then, was it good? And do you think the sex wouldve been good? Okay, just wondering. Bye. ---------------------------------------------------------

And now is when I die a little at how awkward I made that all that sound. WHY AM I SO AWKWARD? But I already sent it so theres no going back now. Fuck. I hate myself for that. I dont even want her to answer me. I didnt think she would after how weird I made it. Or even if she does reply, she most likely wont tell the truth. I mean, seriously, if a guy you banged asked you the honest truth of how it was, if it wasnt that great, youre going to lie and say it was fabulous. Unless youre brutally honest. Which is what I need Gabby to be right now. If she ever replies. Gah. What have I done? And just so you know, most of this chapter is going to be thinking and stuff. Wellmaybe. I figured I would have a long time of waiting ahead of me and hooked my phone back to the charger. And just as I did that, it buzzed. Mother fucker. Well, alright. I unhooked it and brought it back to me like it was a bomb ready to go off if I moved too fast. But - oh. Wellwell, yay. Okay. Either she is a generous liar or Im the generous one. Get a load of this, bitches. To: Me From: Horny Chick --------------------------------------------------------(1/3) Uhm ahahahalright well you seriously have NOTHING to worry about. At all. I

mean come on now. You made me squirt for goodness sake. Ive never done that before (2/3) soobz good. And the little bit of sex we had was painful of course but I just knew if I got over that it wouldve been fucking amazing. But uh if you dont mind (3/3) me askingwhy are you asking me this? Besides a little reassurance. ---------------------------------------------------------

Hmm. Should I tell her? Nah. Telling a girl I wanted to know what she thought so I could either go screw my new neighbor with confidence or skip her and go to town on my best friend whom I ditched her for after taking her virginity? Yeah, I dont think so. To: Horny Chick From: Me --------------------------------------------------------Oh hahaha. Thanks? Well, yeah, just wondering. For future reference, I guess. ---------------------------------------------------------

I still wanna practice. Doesnt have to be right now, just really soon. Well, I guess I should textgoddamn. I am so bad with names. There are just so many chicks in this story. Its hard to keep track. Whatever her name is, Im going to text her first to know whether I have to make up a lie or not - oh wait. I dont know her number. She has mine, but I dont have hers. I could always just go over there. Or is that weird? Eh. I waited until after the movie, when I put Frehley down for her nap in my bed. I had to lay with her until she fell asleep but it was all good. Then I did a very girly thing, I changed my clothes like fifty times before being satisfied with the same outfit I rejected thirty out of those fifty times. Not like it even mattered. If things go as planned, wont be wearing clothes for a bit. ;) I ended up telling Shelton the truth. I was gonna go over to Other Lizs place to screw her. And she said, Youre fucking kidding me, right? You want to have sex with that? Yep - but its for a good cause, I assured her like a door-to-door save-the-whales! activist.

Because you want sex, she said intuitively. I get it, but need I remind you? Two days, buddy. Hold tight and youll get your sex. But thats the thing! I whined out, hoping I wouldnt have to explain because it makes me feel lame. I dont even like thinking it. Maybe Id mind less if I didnt have an audience. -_What? You dont wanna wait? I mean, I guess I could forget the whole sitch going down in my uterus for a bit, butthats kinda gross, if you ask me. And with Frehley right there? Well, she is sleeping and there is always her room - No. Ew. I stopped her there. My childs room while she slept in the next? No thanks. What I meant was Ugh. Dont make me say it. But I have to make her understand that I, in my brain, needed to do this to feel more confident. I meant that - look, youre the only one that knows besides the people in my head - that I havent gotten real lucky in quite some time, and I justI need practice. Practice? she said with a laugh, and I realized how stupid that sounded out loud. I need practice, omfg. Oh, thats rich. Oh, my god. Welldude, you seriously dont need to be frettin. You got Leah in bed with you more than once - though it ended in tragedy - and she was a little saint. But I mean, if you really think this will set you straight, go ahead. But just this once. I want you to toot it and boot it like never before, because I really dont like that skank. She gets to have sex with you before I do. I like really love you. I dont blame you, she said, smiling. Like Tyra, I think on my feet and it always works in my favor. Seriously, how do you not love this chick? Shes unnaturally witty. So, you gonna do it or what - or her, I guess? Because, seriously, I think youll be fine either way. Meh. I shrugged over-exaggeratedly. I dont know - you swear youre not going to hold this over my head with some crazy grudge? Yeah, I mean, its just sex. You can have sex with whoever you want before or after me, and thats fine. Im not doing this to control your life; thats not why Im here. Were temporary friends with benefits, if you want to think about it like that. But, you know, if you want it to be more than that, alright. Wait, you mean likea relationship? Eh, yeah. I could do that. She seemed to be getting nervous. I couldve said that one part out loud to ease her. Well, yeah, I guess. I mean, you are getting my sex-with-a-guy virginity. Oh, you know what? she said abruptly and grabbed my arm, dragging me up and over to the door. She yanked it open and shoved me out. Go get her, tiger. Have fun. She slammed the door in my face. What a weirdo, that kid. Wellokay. H26, here I cum. I tried to move, but couldnt. I didnt want to. This is my neighbor, my hot neighbor. What if I totally bomb it? The sex. What if Gabby was just being a generous liar? Or she was being honest and I need to accept that I rock.

I was feeling so gosh darn confident - finally - but as soon as I stepped onto the welcome mat, a thought reared its way into my head, making me stop dead in my tracks. I was in that place yet again of I didnt want to do this. Wha -you dont think Shelton, like, likes me, do you? No. Thats ridiculous. Why would she like me? Thats stupid. Well, I mean, she did before we started hanging out, apparently. For a while. She told me she thought I was super duper cute and she had a big ol crush on me. But then she got to know me, and was like, Yeaahhh...he aint that cute. because I was fucking weird when I was a kid. Still am, but not as weird. Like, I remember the first time we hung out. That Youth of The Nation song was my fucking theme song, I swear to God. I played it so much I forgot the lyrics. Not even kidding. So shes over for the first time ever, and were chillin, listening to that song of course, and I was singing along, like, YEAH, THATS RIGHT. WE ARE, WE ARE, WEEEE, THE YOUTH OF THE NAHEY-TION. THERES GLUE ON MY *big gasp for air* ARMY-ARMYYYYY. because I had gotten glue on my arm. But anyway, then I figured out shes weird as fuck, too, so she shouldve accepted me with open arms. wait why are talking about this? OH RIGHT. Because she might like me and Im about to go screw our neighbor whom she hates with a burning passion for some still unknown reason. But she said shes okay with it. But shes a girl; shes probably lying. God danggit. I need to listen to the world around me when Im thinking, because I make little sounds and faces and all this shit to go along with my thoughts, and _ GOD CRAPPIT. I suddenly got the gigantic urge to sneeze and - have you ever seen that one Kevin Hart special, when he did that impression of how - who was it? Nate, I think, sneezed? Well, thats how I fucking sneezed. Like, twice. I swear to goodness, Im about to cry. Whats-her-face just opened the door. NO. I wasnt done making decisions yet. CLOSE THE FRIGGIN DOOR. Blake, she greeted with a big smile. I thought I heard someone out here - nice sneeze, by the way. Whats up? And I dont know, is what I said. She laughed, saying, You dont know? How do you not know? I shrugged. I just dont know. Well, I mean, I did, but then I lost it and now I dont know anymore - FUCK. I sneezed, I swear to you, eight times in a row. I dont think I had a heart beat for ten seconds. I better not be getting sick. This is the worst time to get sick, what with the cabin and Liz all coming this week. Heh. Pun intended.

Plus, I dont want Frehley get sick. Its just so sad seeing your baby all coughing and sneezing, and she has trouble breathing sometimes and her little itty bitty nose gets all red and I just wanna cry. I groaned, feeling dizzy, as she laughed, asking, Gee, you alright there, buddy? Another groan as I shook my head. Ugh, no. God, 1/8th an orgasm, my ass. That was death or is it 1/16th? She took a second to wonder, too, and ended up shrugging. I think its 1/8th. Well, according that, that shouldve felt great as opposed to horrid. Right? Like, I hate sneezing. Have you ever sneezed a shit-ton of times in a row and felt like your heart was trying to make up for the beats it skipped - all at once? YES! I ended up shouting, loving the way she described that feeling. I just had that. Sucked ass. Then we just smiled at each other, I dont know. A bonding moment, maybe. She asked, So, uhm, back to my original question, whats up? Are we hanging out? Oh. Yeah. Eh, thought I should explain myself, so I said, Didnt have your number, so I thought Id justdo this. And sneeze in your face, cause I know how attractive that is. She laughed. Oh, yeah, yeah, no, that was nice. You know actually, you didnt look too bad sneezing - like, your sneezing face wasnt ugly, if thats not weird to say, but it feels weird, so it probably was. Oh, no. Psshh, so sweet. Thanks. I dont get that enough. I should just stop talking. Thats how friends talk to each other, you know. And I dont want to be that type of friend with her. But I just kept going. If you thought that was nice, you should see my yawning face - oh, man. Couldnt imagine the beauty, she said, nodding along before stepping aside. You can come in. Just in your house? HOLLA IM ON FI-YUH. But thank god Im not letting this out of my mouth. Though I think shed be okay with my stupid pick-up lines/jokes/puns. But then again, probably not. Wha - oh crap. I dont want to do her anymore. Like, just dont. Plus, I just sneezed again. But then I thought about sex and how nice it is and started getting horny and went inside anyway and we banged and it was lovely. (Cassie: Oh, wow. Lovely.) So now we just kind of chill in her bed. And shes like trying to snuggle. Uhm, no. Its awkward because I didnt like her at all in any way unless it related to hot sex. Trying to find an excuse to leave, I brought up the time. What time is it? Yeah, too lazy to check myself. Oh, uhm, She hung halfway off the bed, digging around for what was probably her phone. Yup. She clicked a button and read off, Almost five. Why?

I sat up quickly, literally panicking, no acting required. Its almost five? Okay, good thing I asked. Yeah, why? Whats up? I found my pants and boxers on the ground and grabbed them. Frehley. Frehley. Shes gotta be losing her shit right now. I left a little more than an hour ago and her naps only last twenty minutes at the most. Shes probably up from her nap now. I cant believe its almost five, I said in all honesty, doing a dance to get my pants on over my stupid friggin boxers. I dont know if anyone besides guys - or girls - who wear boxers knows this, but skinny-ish jeans and baggy boxers dont get along well. Thats why bitches be saggin their pants all the time; they give up mid-process. I was about to just waddle out of there with my pants around my ankles, but I didnt want to trip after sexy time. As I sat up and stuffed my hand down the leg of my pants to smooth the boxer leg out to prevent that stupid bulk, I heard a voice - and it wasnt Other Lizs. Or Bethanys, for that matter. I dont give an eff if she walks in on this; she shouldve saw it coming. (ha ew not like that.) Did you guys have sex? I completely froze and looked up to see A LITTLE FUCKING GIRL standing in the doorway. Not Frehley. This one looked about six years older than her. When no one answered her she just looked at us, grinning, and said, You did, didnt you? Was it good? My eyes widened to the size of golf balls as my jaw dug its way to China, stopped halfway and struck oil. What is this childs deal? I cant believe she would just say that. Other Liz had bolted into a sitting position when the little weirdo first spoke, clutching the sheet to her chest. Megan! she started, sounding like this was the worst thing to happen. But then she said, Megan, again in an Oh crap, right, kind of way. I cant believe I forgot. Is your mom still here? BETTER NOT, HOLY CRAP. I was still in that hunched over position with my hand down my pants - and Megan was staring right at that area. She began smirking. Need help? WHAT is with this kid? MEGAN! Other Liz said her name yet again with disgust. Megan stopped smirking and looked at her like she was shocked that she had yelled at her. Then she started smirking again. What, I was just asking. Answer me. How was it? I bet it was good. He looks like hed be good. HELLO, Im RIGHT HERE. Lets stop talking about me like Im not.

I heard a scoff from behind me. Youre such a little creep, Other Liz groaned. She flung her hand at the living room through the wall. Go make yourself some dinner or something. Just get out. Well, geez, Megan muttered, feigning sadness. She started back towards the door, grabbing the handle, slowly closing it behind her. Cant blame a girl for being curious. Oh, but I can - GO! Finally, FINALLY, muttering under her breath, Megan finally shut the door completely with her on the other side. I still have my hand down my pants. Oh. I went back to it, then stood to fix the other side as Other Liz began apologizing on Megans behalf. I am so, so, so, so sorry for her weirdness. Shes such a little creep. She thinks she has to be a part of everything - especially my sex life. I think its her sick way of getting her fill of the world someone elses world. But then again, shes eleven; she shouldnt have a sex life yet - Yeah, uhm, who is she exactly and why is she here? Those were the only a nswers I was really concerned about. Oh, right. Just this little girl Ive been babysitting since she was a baby. Shes practically my sister. About as nosey as a sister. Ill say. Who just says that stuff? Shes like five. She shouldnt even know what sex is. Curious, I asked, grabbing my white tank thing up (I dont feel comfortable calling it a wife beater), So does this happen often? I just want to know if shes a whore or not. She had laid back and was pulling her long black hair into a perfectly messy bun - oh. She mustve stopped caring about modesty a while ago because the sheet wasnt covering her lovely parts up anymore. She just let them hang out. I mean, thats cool. Not like I hadnt been acquainted with them before but geez. Shes just so comfortable already. I guess Im just used to modest whores. Anyway, where were we? Oh right. She had laid back and was pulling her long black hair into a perfectly messy bun. If you mean the whole her-walking-in-on-me-getting-it-on-with-someone, then no. Only happened a couple other times before, but shes just so nosey and doesnt knock. Like, shes caught me a few timesyou know, doing something nice for myself. I dont know how, but I got it right away. Okay, nice thought. Oh. Sowait, you do that with her here? Well, no. I forget that shes gonna be here sometimes and those always seem to be the days I got the house to myself and just want some me time.

Me time. Her me time is nice. She had some me time when it wasnt just her here, but when me was here and she is very generous with herself. Ah, was the only thing I could think of to say that wasnt raunchy. She made the p pop as she said, Yup. And we just sit there. So I got my Pink Floyd shirt from the ground. I was about to pull it on when she grabbed my arm, stopping me. Ooh, wait no. She began smiling deviously and you just knew she wanted something. Can I, uhm, keep that - or at least wear it for a bit? Ill give it back to you, I swear. I just - yeah. I actually smiled at her being all cute. Well, alright. I have several more Pink Floyd shirts at home so its all good. As she pulled it over her head, I took a little peek at her boobies because boobs. She took her hands and ran them down her sides, smoothing it out even though there wasnt a wrinkle in sight. She looked down at the shirt and nodded approvingly with a big smile. Theyre so trippy and mellow at the same time - have you heard Bike? I puffed some air at her like that was the stupidest question ever. Its only one of my favorite songs, partly because its so god damn weird. She smiled even bigger. Its probably in my top ten favorites, definitely. You just got a whole lot cooler. Not just saying that. I mean, you like Pink Floyd. How much cooler could you get? Her smile somehow widened. They deserve ever fan they have and so much more. Couldnt agree more. Gah. Now I dont want to leave. I just want to lay back with her and smoke pot while chillin out to Pink Floyd. But Frehley. I actually had to force myself to get up from the bed and stretched. Well, - yawn - I gotta jet. Like I said, Frehleys probably throwing a tantrum, so. Oh. Alright. I didnt really think shed get up and walk me to the door but she did. Ill show you the way to the door, in case you forgot. I laughed, letting her - just in my Pink Floyd shirt and her thong - walk out first. Thank God because I did. Megan was sitting in front of the TV with Roseanne on full-blast, a bowl of ice cream in her lap. When we walked into the room, her eyes drifted from Other Liz casually to me creepily.

Other Liz snorted at Megan. Nice dinner, she remarked scornfully. Oh, leaving so soon? Megan said mad flirting, ignoring Other Lizs comment. Other Liz answered for me, snaking her little delicate hand around my forearm. Yes, he is. Doubt hed stick around just for you, you twerp. She tightened her grip, getting annoyed by Megan, as she pulled me to the door. Whenever youre just feeling bored or horny - you know, whatever just come on over, okay, and we can bang to Pink Floyd. Im assuming she said that to me. Sounds like a dream date to me, I said, accepting her proposition. She smiled and turned the knob of the door, pulling it open. I was about to walk out of it with a sincere bye when she grabbed my arm, stopping me from going any further. I just looked back at her like what? when she showed me just what. She spun me completely towards her, sliding her hands up my chest, locking them behind my neck. She perched up on her tippy toes and smirked before giving me a nice ol kiss. Im not even joking when I say that I instantly became horny again. Thanks. A boners a nice thing to go home and greet my child with. I think she knew she was evil because that normal smirk turned devious as she said what I assumed was see ya later because its hard to focus on something thats not a solution when youre getting a hard-on. I tried to say yup but all that came out was *weak groaning sound*. She mustve thought that was a sign for celebration because that evil fucking mouth of her s twisted into an even eviler smirk as she said, Its a shame you cant stay longer. I tried saying yup again and we all know what came out instead. She smiled even bigger. But I guess what they say is finally applying to me: time flies when you're having fun. And as fate would have it, I finally was able to say something. I just had to say, "Actually, time only flies when you throw it out the window." She started to laugh. I didnt even have a foot out the front door before I heard the sound of loud cries of distress. My first thought was some snotty sixteen year old drama queen didnt get the silver Mercedes she wanted but the black one, but then my heart tightened at the words: I want my daddy! And boner dies. I never ran so fast. I feel so baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. How long has she been crying? Why am I the spawn of Satan? I am such a horrible person.

The second I opened the door to our apartment, I saw Frehley having a tantrum on the floor. She was lying on her stomach, kicking at the ground, screaming her head off. I want my daddy! she cried again, gasping for air. Shelton was standing over her, trying to pick her up, but every time she grabbed her arm, Frehley would yank it back and scream again. God. What a little monster. My little monster. I know, honey, Shelton said, grabbing for her arm again. I tried calling him, but hes not answering. Wait, she tried calling me? I dont know why, but instead of letting her know of my presence, I just stood there, completely heartbroken. MY BABY! But then I sneezed. Both Frehley and Sheltons necks snapped up at me at the same time. Sheltons face was taken over by relief as she breathed out, Thank God, while Frehley jumped up from the ground. DADDY! She wrapped her little arms around my leg, burying her face into my knee. Whyd you leave me? she cried and I could just feel myself die inside. I thought Id be back before you woke up, Truth. I picked my little crying monster up, letting her bawl into my shoulder. Im sorry, baby. Whered you go? she continued with her cries. I didnt like lying to her - mostly because I couldnt think of another placed Id go without her - and told her the truth again. Next door. Im so sorry, honey. I really am. Gaaahh. I just feel so bad. Shelton had gotten up a while ago and sat down onto the couch. Shes been crying her eyes out for the past half-hour. Why dont you answer your phone? she asked exhausted. I called you, like, ten times. I joined her on the couch. I mustve had it on silent, I said, looking down at Frehley. She had her thumb in her mouth, tears still streaming down her face, nose sniffling, but no loud cries. Thank God. I cant handle hearing her cry, especially if its because of something I did. I pulled my phone from my pocket and found that I had six missed calls, all from Shelton and like ten texts all from her too. Damn. I swear this time, never leaving her without her consent.

CHAPTER SEVEN

hey yo whats this? an authors note? SWEET.

Okay, so I feel like I have to talk about this, being the whole reason this story even was thought of was because of him. So - respect, you know. Though, whenever youre reading this, I know this little section is going to be sooutdated, for the lack of a better word. Im pretty sure a lot of people know that on the first of November, 2012, Mitch Lucker got in a car/motorcycle crash and died. He sang for a band called Suicide Silence. Cool band that Im more than sure saved a lot of lives. Along with a shit-ton of fans, he left behind his bandmates, family, a wife and a five-year-old daughter - who the character Frehley was based off of. I was even actually going to name Frehley Kenadee. I did; it was the first name I thought of, but then I changed it to Paisley and then now Frehley after my friends cousin. Its just so unreal to me - still. It happened - from the time Im writing this - almost two months ago and I still cant think about anything related him without wanted to bawl my eyes out. I cant imagine what its like for those close to him. Anyway, I just wanted to say hes the whole reason I decided to write this story, and that its really fucked up that he had to die at such a young age and leave so many behind, but, if heaven exists, it must sound badass. Alright, back to the story. So Shelton ditched me for a date with Bethany over an hour ago, and now Im left to watch Frehley actually kick ass at Mario Kart - welluntil a banana peel just fucking appeared out of nowhere and landed right in front of her vehicle thing and she whipped out, saying something in gibberish which Im more than certain was toddler for fuck. She yelled like a Viking and picked up her empty Welches juice box and threw it at the TV. True gamer girl right here. Seven opponents zipped passed her, moving her from third place to There was a knock at the door. Instead of getting up and answering it right away, I wondered who it couldve been and if I really wanted to know that bad. I thought my mom maybe, but she wouldve called. Then David and all them, and that seemed likely. But then I heard from the other side, a familiar voice say a horrid name. Megan, stop licking the wall. Youre disgusting.

I could feel my stomach drop. I really didnt want to see that little creep. Or have her in my house. I knew that if I let her in here, shed be leaving with several of my personal belongings stuffed in her shirt. There was another knock. Frehleys head faced towards the door then back to the TV. Someones here, she said flatly. I suddenly became very aware of how loud the TV was and I instantly wanted to change that. I sunk back into the couch, hand groping around for the remote only to have it nowhere to be found. I sat up quickly, eyes zipping around for it, and found it right next to Frehley. I gently dug the tips of my toes into her side, quietly snapping at her, Hey, turn that down. Best to just act like I wasnt home. She bent forward towards the TV, pushing the wrong button, the Power button. The TV blinked off and she cried out WHAT THE HECK, MAN. THE REMOTE WAS RIGHT THERE, KIDDO. WHAT THE HECK TO YOU. I quickly hopped off the couch, hand clamping over her mouth. Hey, lets be quiet. Why? she asked, trying to move my hand away just as they knocked again. Someones here, she said again, then looked up at me. Are we trying to avoid them? Are we pretending were not home again? Heh. Not like we do this all the time or anything. Yes. Oh. Can I still play my game? If youre quiet. Can you do that? She nodded Yeah. Okay. I leaned forward, one finger on the volume button, the other hovering over the Power button. I pressed down on both and the TV switched on, the volume decreasing quickly. She thanked me and I pushed my back up against the couch, praying they had left. But curious as to what they wanted. And then something terrible happened. My phone rang loudly. Jag sang, INSTEAD OF FIGHTIN, YOU SAID YOURE ON YOUR OWN. ITS BETTER THAT I GO. I MAY BE BLINDED; THE CHANGE IS PROOF WEVE GROWN. ITS FOLLOWS ME WHERE I GO, ME WHERE I-- WHERE THE FUCK IS IT? I took a shot and ripped one of the blankets off the couch, desperate the find it and make it shut up. And praise the Lords, there it was. I FOUND MY CHANCE TO LIVE AGAIN-- I snatched it and swiped the Ignore icon away. Ahh, relief.

I dropped my head onto the couch and felt like crying. I didnt feel like interacting with anyone today - not even myself. That was a close one. And then - oh no. A little voice. A little voice that echoed one coming from the other side of the front door. Hello? it said. Fuck no. I dreadfully pulled my phone towards my face. I was ten seconds into a call from an unknown number. GOD DAMMIT. Apparently I dont know how to hang my own phone up that Ive had for two years. Despite no reply, they continued to talk. Blake? You there? Its Liz - uh, Other Liz. Are you home? I kind of need a favor. I could always hang up now. But - gah. She needs something. Something I dont think I want to do. Something that may involve Megan; I just know it. But hopefully not. And for some reason I decided to answer her. Uh, yeah? Are you outside my home? She let out a tiny laugh. Yeah, thats me - and Megan. I need you to do something for me. Its kind of important, I guess - can you answer the door? Didnt want to, but - blagh. Oh, heh. Sure. Sorry about that. I sluggishly got up to answer the door. I yanked it open to a smiling Other Liz and Megan. Time to lie. I made sure to hang up this time, sliding my phone into my back pocket. Seriousl y sorry about that. I thought you were my friend David. Hes been pissing me off lately so I was trying to avoid him. Since that was partially true, I felt confident that shed believe me, and it looked like she did. Ah, been there. She smiled hugely, yanking Megan back when she tried to make her way to the couch. This isnt your house, she snapped at her. Show some respect. Megan grumbled something mean under her breath. Hmm. Shes being strange. Shes not...flirting. Thank God? Other Liz sighed at her, then smiled up at me again. So, she started, like I said, I need me a favor. Shoot. Alright, so as you can see, Megans here and I kind of forgot about that - again. And so, thing is, I forgot I had to work tonight, but her mom really needs a babysitter, so I cant bail on herwith her knowing

See, no. I dont want to. I already know what shes going to say. Andyou want me to babysit for you? I finished for her, hoping that I was wrong and she had just come over here to share that lovely story. Her face lit up. Oh, would you? Thatd be great. Youd be helping me out a lot. Really. Just being an obnoxious, poor asshole, I joked, Ill be getting paid, right? And of course she fucking would, she smiled all flirty-like. Oh, youll be getting something. Whats-her-face, being the well-aware nine-year-old she is, knew what she meant and groaned. Oh, Im the gross one? She snorted disdainfully. Yes. Other Liz feigned like she was holding back a punch meant for, uhm, Megan. Youre a million times worse. Ooh. The sassy comebacks with this one. -_They went on to bicker at each other with lame retorts until I stupidly reminded her as to why shes here. She was like, Oh, right, and thanked me a crap-ton of times, told me what time she got off work, and then left me to die. Megan waltzed her way passed me, taking a look around the place. Posters of bands Ive never heard of, Audrey Hepburn paintings, a Wii, furniture covered with blankets. A smile appeared on her face as she nodded favorably. Cool. I appreciated her knowing Audrey Hepburns name, but could really care less at how she felt about my apartment. Nonetheless, I still thanked her for recognizing how cool I am and that it was noticeable just by looking at my living room. So, uh, I started to ask what she felt like doing, sitting down in my recliner, but she interrupted me. Whos this? she asked, no sign of curiosity in her voice, staring at Frehley who seemed to care just as much as I did about Megans presence. Megan looked back at me. Sister? she guessed. wtf no. Why is that everyones go-to identification? Uh, daughter, actually. She tilted her head to the side and just looked at me with eyes slightly big with more questions. Adopted? I huffed some more air out of my nose than usual as an offer of a laugh and said, Biological. She continued to stare, reminding me vaguely of most adults responses when I tell them who this child is to me. Youre kidding, she mused in disbelief. Becoming annoyed with her inability to accept such a simple fact, I got up, heading for the kitchen. Why is it so hard to believe? She joined me seconds after I finished this monolog: Nope. You can run a DNA test; one-hundred percent mine. Can I get you something to drink? I asked in an attempt to seem like I cared, opening the fridge. We got Propel, orange juice, Sunkist, and I searched for anything more. and thats it.

She had seated herself at the dining room table. She still looked skeptical. She opened her mouth and I knew what was going to come out wasnt her preferred beverage, so I sighed. I got a singular red solo cup from dish-strainer and tapped it against the countertop, getting her attention. Were done with that conversation, I said, and have started a new one. Add to it or shut your mouth. The only words I game to hear you say are either yes or no, and if yes, tag on one of the drinks I previously mentioned. Can you do that? I dont know where all this anger towards her is suddenly coming from. Maybe Im just grouchy I have to spent time with another earthling. One that, like many, cant seem to grasp that, yes, I have a daughter, so what? That stupid crooked smile formed yet again. She waited a few seconds before pushing out a disgruntled sigh. No, thank you. Im fine. Good. I put the cup back where I got it from, going back into the living room. She trailed right along. You can either play Mario Kart with Frehley, watch, or watch something on the TV in my room. Where are you going? she asked when I didnt go back to my recliner, but towards the bathroom. Getting a towel from the hall closet, I said, Shower. I was looking forward to spending as little of time with this annoying child as I could. Oh, she said, but then began to smile. Mind if I join you? Id mind that very much, actually, I managed to say as unnerved as possible, slamming the bathroom door shut behind me, instantly falling against it. I cant feel my legs. WHAT A LITTLE CREEP, but I was pretty badass back there, you gotta admit. Im surprised Frehley isnt throwing a bitch-fit right now, but apparently if shes distracted enough, she barely notices anything - and I forgot clothes to change into. GOD DAMMIT. Well, I hope shes not circling the hall, waiting for me to finish, because she might see some stuff when I jog out there in only a towel. I could always just put the clothes Im wearing back on, go to my room and change i nto something else. Okay, good plan. So yeah, I did the normal procedure to showering: you know, turn on the water, undress, and get into shower. But as I was mid-showering, I heard a faint knock at the bathroom door. I assumed it Frehley had finished playing and realized I wasnt there and was on the other side to get me back out there with her now. Wiping the hair conditioner off my forehead to stop it from entering my eyes, I called out over the running water, Yeah?

No response. So I said a little louder, What? Still no verbal response. Just a creaking nose, which I immediately recognized as the bathroom door opening. I froze and - sorry about this TMI - grabbed my junk, turning my back to the wall as a way of hiding anything I didnt want seen. You know that ringing sound you hear when no ones talking or youre alone, and if someone enters the room that ringing sound changes and you can tell youre not alone anymore? Well, that just happened. I refused to peek through the curtains and see who was now in the room with me, fearing it might be Megan, being a creep. But she wouldnt go this far, would she? As quickly as it opened, the door closed. And I knew whoever it was had left the room, because that ringing sound changed again, back to the way it was before they creped in. I still refused to move. I stayed in the same position for thirty more seconds before getting enough courage to stick my head - the one connected to my neck and shoulders - out and check around the room. It didnt look like they had done anything noticeable while in here. I hopped out of the shower and locked the bathroom door. No way in hell theyre getting back in here while I was. I finished my shower when the water ran cold and turned it off, stepping out. I was prune-y as fuck right now. I believe I was in there for almost an hour. Frehley must hate me right now, but I havent heard a cry out of her -what if Megan killed her? For like a satanic sacrifice? Id believe it. I started to grab my towel off the floor but wasnt able to because it wasnt there. You know what also wasnt on the ground? My clothes I wore earlier. Like Drake and Josh, I seethed, Megan. What a fucking creep. Did she really take the only towel and my clothes? She just killed my daughter and now this? Oh, hell no. I was ready to march out there and cuss her out, but then realized shed probably enjoy it because I wouldnt have anything to cover up with considering she took everything. I opened the bathroom door a smidge and peeked through the crack to make sure she wasnt lounging out right there. She wasnt. I stole a look at my bedroom. The door was slightly open. I was prepared to dash out and into my room but then remembered I told Megan she could watch something on my TV which was in there. What if shes in there?

Megan? I called out, hoping for a response, and got one. That was (un)fortunately from the living room. Im not joking when I say I heard feet hit the wooden flooring and sprint down the hall, connected to a smiling Megan. So I guess I couldve bolted for my room; she was in the living room. She rocked back and forth on the balls of her feet, hands locked to one another behind her back, her no-good smile set in place. Yes? She took a moment and perched on her tippy-toes, obviously trying to look in the bathroom. I hid behind the door, pushing it a bit more shut. Her grin grew. Are you naked? she asked and I wanted to knock her out. It seriously took everything to keep from screaming. Did you take my towel and clothes? She failed at hiding her smile, continuing to sway. She shrugged innocently. Maybe. Why? I asked through clinched teeth, continuing to play this one-worded-response. Because I wanted to. UGH. I just wanted to hit her. Well, go get them - now. I am not playing this stupid game. Get me my clothes, a towel, anything or Ill tell Liz and shell tell your mom. She actually laughed. My mom wont care. Shed be proud of me for being so bold. How to respond to something like that was not in my arsenal of snappy comeback, so I went with, Oh, yeah? Yup. Well, screw you. I slammed shut the bathroom door and locked it, because I had a feeling shed try to get in. I suddenly remembered we had little hand towels you dry your hands off with under the sink. I ignored the awkward feeling of bending over in the nude and got a stack of four out. I unfolded one and held it up to examine how big it was. Eh. This is should cover something - and thats when I saw it. A glimmering sign of hope. My phone. It was resting under a package of baby wipes. OH PRAISE THE LORD. I grabbed the bitch and fought the urge to make love to it. I thought of calling Other Liz but remembered I didnt have her numberand then I remember she called me earlier, so I do have it. I was still in the recent calls, so I clicked on her icon, then the messaging icon. If whats -herface was still out in the hallway, shed hear me calling Other Liz and I wasnt sure if that was a good thing or not.

Butagghh. Shes at work. She doesnt get off til eleven tonight. (Its seven now.) If she did answer, she wouldnt be allowed to leave work four hours early, and what would happen when she got here? Shed tell Megan off and then what? Shed have to either take Megan home and ruin Megans mothers plans or ditch work and watch her. She wouldnt be happy with either one. I could always text my Liz. Shes been out with whats-her-face for hours, wth. And that I did. To: Shelly-Shelt From: Me --------------------------------------------------------(1/3) oh my god I need your fucking help. You know the girl Other Liz baby sits? Well, Im babysitting her now and I just took a shower and guess the fucking fuck what. (2/3) She snuck in here while I was showering and took my towel and clothes and is refusing to give them back. Be a dear and get back home now please and drop kick the (3/3) bitch? --------------------------------------------------------Ugh. I really wanted to sit down, but yeah, no. Naked bum sitting somewhere thats not a bed? A bit uncomfortable. I never got a text back. But what I did get - ten minutes later, mind you - was a S.W.A.T team knock on the bathroom door, scaring the fuck out of me, and the angelic words, Hey, man, its Shelton. Open up. We got the twerp back over at Bethanys place. I wanted to rip the door off its hinges and fling myself onto her, but remembered I aint got nothing on. I stuttered out, U-uh, I totally would, but, uhm, she took my clothes, remember? There was a long silence from the other side and then she said, Oh, yeah. Hey, man, fine by me. Youre trying to tell me were not as close as I thought we were? Well, alright - ahh, Im just joshin ya. I got a towel for you. I slowly open the door a tad bit and she shoved her arm through the openness, a beautiful, beautiful towel in her grip. Oh, sweet Jesus, yes. I grabbed it, immediately wrapping myself into it. Thank you so, so much. Once I made sure it was secure, I yanked open the door and engulfed her in a hug.

She wheezed out a laugh and that should have been my first sign that I was hugging her too tight. Youre welcome. I just hope you know I gave up sex for you. We broke our embrace. Really? Yup. We were legit about to do it when I realized you texted me. As a way you can make it up to me, you gotta tell me this whole little story again. I have a feeling you left some stuff out. She flashed a winning smile. Oh, you would not believe it. Shes such a creep!