Tumbling Down The Rabbit Hole

TUMBLING DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE
Everything our parents failed to mention about transitioning from our twenties to our thirties, or maybe we just werent listening.
Tumbling Down The Rabbit Hole
This was when I learned that you have to give up your life as you know it to get a new one: that sometimes you need to let go of everything you are clinging to and start over, whether it is because you have outgrown it or because it is not working anymore, or because it was wrong for you in the first place. - Kelly Cutrone; If You Have to Cry, Go Outside: And Other Things Your Mother Never Told You Sometimes we need to stop analysing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want, and just see what happens." Candice Bushnell; Sex In The City
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The best unsolicited writing advice came from the television show The L Word and went something along the lines of your journal isnt fiction, you cant take your personal experiences and change the names and locations and call it a novel This book contradicts that statement; it is only from my experiences that I can surmise my own theories and conclusions.
Would the subjects in this book be taken more seriously if I had completed my study in psychology, or have Dr in front of my name maybe, maybe not. What I do know is a study on a topic shows a very small, controlled piece of the puzzle. I feel strongly because I was / am a willing and participating puzzle piece, trying to fit in areas and in ways that did not exactly match up, eventually settling into a space where I fit I am a self-titled Life Consultant. I believe that I am just as good a theorist / advice-giver / observer as Dr Phil; Dr Oz; Oprah.
I am not trying to develop some whimsical theory that we are all pieces of the same puzzle; different in our makeup trying to find where we fit, and in the end there finding our place, which we fit into exactly as who we turn out to be. Actually that is not a bad analogy however I prefer thinking of life as a Choose Your Own Adventure
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Novel, there are multiple endings and you have the power to change your course, which might I add is not predetermined, and every decision you make will not get you to the same place.
I know this because hindsight is a beautiful thing, and I can see with great certainty a completely different life had I made other decisions. I can also feel this life is still knocking on my proverbial door.
According to many books out there; there are a lot of things that our parents never told us probably because they didnt know! The content of this book is not so much what my mother (and father) didnt tell me, it was more a case of she didnt know. Much of my wisdom comes from the fact that I have experienced the world by myself, and the world is a very different place now than when she was transitioning from her twenties to thirties. Also when she was transitioning she was a mother. Knowing that this transition is a difficult without a bub or two I can see why she struggled with early motherhood, I say early because she started having children in her early twenties. The current trend that people are planning babies later in life is a refreshing change, allowing us to experience the world as an individual for longer.
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I am writing this book because I have a lot of opinions and theories based on my experience to-date, and I feel I can be a reliable source of unsolicited information. This comes from my ability to listen, just as much as the fact that people tell me things, all sorts of things, and from these situations, issues, questions, anecdotes as well as my own experiences I can make the assumptions in this book. It may be a little narcissistic but I would consider myself to be a modern-day talk show host please come and sit on my couch, now tell me whats on your mind?
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CHAPTERS
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 WOMENS HEALTH SEX VERSUS LOVE THE EEYORE EFFECT IDENTITY & INDEPENDENCE FEMALE COMMUNITY MONEY = HAPPINESS (?) MOURNING: ALL IS NOT LOST NAVIGATING THE TICKING CLOCK 7 21 34 43 54 63 75 86
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I will not let my dress size determine my self-worth Kelloggs Special K marketing campaign
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After high school there is a period in life where we get our first taste independence; this usually occurs during the first few years of tertiary education, the first overseas trip, or the first year in the workforce. At any rate it is the time where we are meant to be adults and be totally responsible for ourselves. Unfortunately this happens concurrently with the end of a development stage that we all go through as a teenager; a stage where we assume that all eyes are on us that everyone is watching and everyone cares about what we are doing. As egocentric as this is, it is a stage that people may never grow out of; it also gives a strong undercurrent to our desire to be accepted by others; colleagues, peers, family members, acquaintances, strangers most people in our lives.
There are several elements converging together at an apex in time; self-management, new found independence, the need to be accepted and alcohol this is a recipe for disaster. Coined the Freshman Fifteen, First Year Fatties, Fresher Spread, Food Baby, and Gap Year Gain whatever the terminology the outcome is essentially the same gaining unwanted kilos after high school and well into the twenties, is this sounding familiar?
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It is practically unavoidable. For one alcohol is much more prominent, adding another high calorie drink to the diet. Not only alcohol, but binge drinking followed by late night eating is disastrous - kebab meat turning on a spit at three in the morning ring any bells? Parentals are not around to regulate what you are eating, take away is more convenient, and falling in the low income bracket means that food options are cheap supermarket fare, which translates to instant or frozen anything from noodles to hamburgers. Overseas is slightly more glamorous because of the accents and the distance between yourself and your parents what happens overseas stays overseas, no?
A love/hate affair with alcohol will develop and continue for a good portion of your life. It is the social lubricant; a crutch for when life gets tough just as much as it is a popped cork during celebrations. It is also the culprit for a few extra kilos per year, I am sure there has been countless studies done on what factors contribute to weight gain that I could use to substantiate my argument but I know with 100% certainty that people gain significant amounts of weight due to the consumption of alcohol and subsequent related activities (and inactivity alike) because I have experienced this first hand.
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Typical evening out with the girls would consist of pre-dinner champagne and some small nibbles; cheese, crackers, cured meats, dips, breads. At dinner, there would be more champagne (three or more bottles), then a plethora of shared platters of the featured cuisine. Before coupledom set in this would be followed by more drinks and dancing at no venue in particular, and would usually end around four am at the local kebab shop until one morning after reading an article about the effect that alcohol has on the rate of caloric absorption in the body, how it inhibits proper breakdown of food and converts excess calories into fat (the calories we most likely consume at 4 am are a far cry from a healthy salad) my first anxiety attack set in. I felt overwhelmed and woozy at the sight of the turning meat and envisioned my skin absorbing the grease and fat dripping onto the tray below. Between that and waking up after a drunken night with a Hungry Jacks wrapper still in hand, with my face and jacket wearing the rest of it, I was repulsed. This was the last time I indulged in any late night eating.
Drinking habits change from twenty to thirty with the introduction of different approaches to drinking such as; The Reward System or Weekend Binger. In our twenties drinking becomes more prevalent.
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It is during these years we often drink to impress, and often drink well beyond our limits. Where girls drink beer to be considered one of the boys, and get so drunk that they suffer from memory loss. The thirties are a time to refine our palates and enjoy the overpriced cocktail, purchase the more expensive bottle of sparkling on the menu, and order drinks made with top shelf alcohol because we can.
The Reward System is something that Ben Cousins (a talented AFL footballer) has brought to societys attention; train hard and play even harder. They are fully functioning, contributing member of society; the only difference is they are also the users of illegal and prescription drugs, and alcohol. They treat substance abuse as a reward for playing a great game, or obtaining success at work; this is system mimics using food as a reward I ran five kms today I can eat pizza tonight. It is nothing short of having one free day a week, where people reward themselves with eating whatever they had refused themselves the other six days. Kindergarten gold stars traded in for a line of cocaine.
The Weekend Binger is someone who is deemed to be good five out of the seven days a week, usually abstaining Sunday to Thursday,
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only to consume mass quantities of alcohol and unhealthy food over the weekend (often supplemented with drug use) this is popular amongst the yupwardly mobile successful thirty-somethings with no kids and cash to burn.
Both of these lifestyle choices are flawed and are detrimental to an individuals health and wellbeing. Not drinking alcohol for five days then drinking overly excessive amounts over two days is not healthy. Neither is substance abuse as a motivational tool. It is the evolution of a quintessential eating disorder; move over Ana (anorexia) and Mia (bulimia) there are a myriad of new disorders in the twenty-first century.
After I travelled through Europe I returned back to Canada with souvenirs and a muffin-top. Apart from all the roast chickens, paella and baguettes, my activity levels significantly decreased during my gap year, unless you consider drinking pints a form exercise. Alcoholic indulgence (un)balanced with and over-indulgence of moreish eats is the express way to gain those extra kilos.
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I should have recognised what was happening the day I could no longer sit down in a pair of jeans, let alone do them up suffice to say it was a Godsend that the fashion in the UK at the time was skirtover-pants so I was able to mask it well - voil muffin hidden. I sent home two pairs of my favourite pants just in case I was able to fit back into them again outta sight outta mind. It gets worse.
A few months later a box of summer clothes arrived for me, as a backpacker there is only so much you can shove in the bag, and I assure you toiletries will take up most of the room. I was mortified; not only could I NOT do any of the items up (shorts, pants, skirts) I could not get the garments over my (already-chaffing) thighs the only thing that fit was a long skirt made out of yoga-pant material with a draw string. Standing naked in front of the mirror, in that hotel in Munich was humiliating and self-deprecating. I could not stop grabbing at my thighs and stomach wondering how I let myself get here.
These extra kilos were a sign that I had a wonderful time eating my way through Europe, and I would not change it for the world the travel that is. But that day in Munich was an eye opener for me and
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once my travels brought me back to Canada for a few months I was spurred into a fitness frenzy. What followed was a strict workout and diet schedule for three months and a battle with Mia, bulimia that is. Cabbage soup, a weird concoction of maple syrup, cayenne pepper, lemon and water, Kathy Smiths fat burning workouts three times a day, I was motivated and exhausted. Unfortunately Mia, Ana and the rest of the eating disorder never go away; it is like Ani Difranco says:
They say that alcoholics are always alcoholics, even when they are dry as my lips for years. Even when theyre stranded on a small desert island with no place in two thousand miles to buy beers. And I wonder if hes different, is he different, if hes changed what hes about or is he just a liar with something to lie about? At intermitted times throughout my life, Mia holds my hand; psychologically it is when I am stressed and not in control of a situation. She comes along, so I can abuse my body and she can help me purge after so I can feel empty, the empty feeling was satisfying even though I technically cheated to get there. It is not only the two girls anymore there are a plethora of up-and-coming eating disorders; Body Dismorphic Disorder, Manorexia, Drunkorexia, Bingeand-Purge, Rumination, Othorexia, Runnerdulent, Exerdulgent to name a few. There are those that are fairly obvious and others that
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are as obscure as chewing food to taste it then spiting it out without swallowing. These health issues can come and go, can be paired together, can be long term or fleeting, regardless they are dangerous and may not always be a conscious choice; I do not think mine was.
An eating disorder is difficult to navigate because there it is staring us in the face on television, on the glossy pages of magazines and all over the internet. What is worse is the denial by models and actresses, whom later confess a mild flirtation with an eating, disorder (Richie, Alba, and Lohan to name a few). Also the internet has multiple anti and pro sites for eating disorders where people openly discuss tips and tricks; with all the information out there it is hard not to be curious.
A recommendation is once or twice a year (I prefer twice) a detox for two/four weeks. It is a great way to challenge yourself as well as give you some clarity. Generally at the beginning of the year after the Christmas/New Year holiday period is where people increase healthy eating and visits to the gym after the festive season. Otherwise fall/winter is a good time as activity levels and motivation decrease,
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and rich, hearty foods increase. It is a challenge for the first week but after you reach day fourteen the next two weeks are a breeze.
1. No Alcohol; 2. Clean Eating avoid processed foods, added sugar, take away; 3. Exercise gentle such as, walking, yoga, pilates; 4. Supplements help support the liver and cleanse other organs; 5. Sleep naps are essential for getting through the detox.
I used to detox all the time, too much I will admit because it would compromise any social events I attended it goes without saying that something will be on your social calendar during the detox. You can have a few drinks, or you abstain, either way make the decision and stick to it. I say this because there is nothing worse than seeking validation for a decision you want to make, or feel guilt and regret for one you have already chosen. I will say it time and time again throughout this book, if you make a decision commit to it, and once you have made it be at be at peace, it does not matter what the decision was; drinking, skipping the gym, cancelling a dinner date, or breaking up with someone. Whatever choice(s) you make in life take
responsibility and ownership of them; you do not need someone else validating your decisions.
Something happens on the other side of thirty, there is an eminent and unavoidable shift. Along with ticking biological clocks, more stress and responsibility, there is something that starts to work against men and women alike; the metabolic shift. Weight loss becomes like running uphill and weight gain like Santa on Christmas Eve. I would like to question when evolution is going to step in; when our body clocks realise that we are living past our forties and that our bodies need to adjust accordingly. Is that not what we are meant to do, evolve?
We are living longer lives, with that comes more complex diseases, extending procreation, additional stresses why hasnt evolution responded as it should? Until then I can only offer advice about how to avoid health issues, specifically counter-acting the slowly of the metabolism and living an active and healthy life.
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1. Exercise Everyday - At least thirty minutes, keep the body guessing, and switch up your workouts. 2. Strength Training - 2-3 times a week, build muscle to support your body, helps to increase metabolism. 3. Cut back on Sugar - All sugars, especially hidden sugars in bread, pastas, juices and added ones like in tea and coffee. 4. Watch Carbohydrates - Refined carbohydrates disrupts digestion, and increases bloating and may make you feel uncomfortable 5. Listen to Your Body - Rest if you are exhausted or sick, move if you are motivated. 6. Minimalise Alcohol - Reduce the weekend binge. Have a few alcohol free nights, and do not forget to have water in-between a few drinks. 7. Take Away - Indulge only 1-2 times a week, it will keep the calories down, allow you to enjoy it and not hinder your bank balance. 8. Limitations - Moderation is a wonderful thing, limit your portion sizes, and allow yourself indulgences every now and then. 9. Mind Over Matter - Just get to the gym and the rest will take care of itself, or lace up those shoes and run for five minutes and see how you feel. 10. Supplements - Multi / Vit D / Fish Oil / Aloe Vera; do your research and find out what supplements you need.
After thirty I started to experience this phenomenon of the slowing metabolism, it was something that came on slowly. If anything my exercise increased as I added marathons to my yearly training repertoire. Then somewhere between the ages of 31 and 33 the numbers on the scale started to creep up and eventually over sixty kilos. Sixty was and still is my scary weight, the weight I would never want to get to, let alone over, so it was time to take action. Trialling diets from Dukan, to Paleo; different workout regimes; Bikram, running, weight training for the past eight months and came up with those nine tips.
In order for your lifestyle changes to be successful you should enlist like-minded friends; swap your twenty-something drinking buddy for a running partner, or someone you can turn to for motivation not sabotage.
Whether you are in your twenties or thirties it is important to establish a daily, weekly, yearly routine, because you are more likely to eat well and exercise if it is scheduled. There is something satisfying about ticking items off lists, isnt there? It is important to realise that these are not just short term solutions, in order to
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maintain a healthy mind and body it has to be a lifestyle change; quick fixes do not have the lasting power. Small changes and breaking habits slowly, will start to mould into a healthier routine. This list was something that I have cultivated after years of trial and error.
The last tip is throwing that scale away. I have not stepped back on it since I witnessed sixty-two I use how my clothes fit as a guide and I can tell you that by my 33rd birthday I fit back into my skinny legs and I feel fantastic.
I wish I knew what I know now back when I was in my twenties; but then again I probably wouldn't listen to my 33 year-old self because I would think I didn't need to.
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"They say the average 33-year-old woman has sex 3.5 times a week. I'd like to know who that woman is." Sex In The City "Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous." Sex In The City
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Throughout my dating life I have been a monogamist-lesbiancelibate-maneater-wife. I have left a plethora of broken hearts from Canada to Australia. I have done all this without so much as a hand book, and trust me I have made countless mistakes.
Truly hedonistic and selfish from high school to thirty, most of my relationships and sexual adventures have been misguided. I came from a small, country town in Canada and sexual education was a single class in grade school, which had a hand-puppet telling the students about the male and female anatomy, and a video on childbirth (used as a scare tactic to be honest I am still a little scared). There was no one telling you about how to navigate and conduct yourself during sex, let alone making out. Back then watching all the John Hughes movies was not going to help; all that awkward kissing, fade out, fade back in, it is morning and they are half-naked in bed asleep - what happens in-between?
If it was not for me sneaking into my brothers room and watching adult movies from his secret stash I was going to be in a lot of trouble in the bedroom. My first high school boyfriend was two years older than me, captain of the varsity basketball team and an asshole. I lost
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my virginity to him. What was more painful and embarrassing was when my father found out. I can imagine what was going through his mind about his sweet, little girl; I do not want her to be a teenage mom, which was not uncommon in this town. He was such a great father - he marched me to the doctors to get birth control the next day.
After that horrible relationship I explored celibacy. I was happy to just attract boys, have a kiss here and there but not fully commit to a relationship or go any further than an awkward make-out session. It was this frigidness the lead to the demise of my last high school relationship. It was nave of me to believe that I could move away for college and think that my high school relationship would endure the distance, and new attention and experiences I was having. It was even more nave of me to believe that my last high school boyfriend didn't want to have sex with me. It was unfortunate that I only slept with him after he broke up with me, as one last chance to win him back, I was not successful.
Let me confess, I would have never won girlfriend of the year award in high school. With an entire world out there, there was no way
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that my soul-mate was in this small Canadian town of 6500 people this meant that every relationship I entered into had a use by date. After graduation I left to attend university on Vancouver Island. Due to the perceived notion that my special person was in a place far, far away my approach to relationships was very blas and selfish, and these ideologies filtered right into my twenties and followed me around the world.
Eating my way through Europe ensured that I was unsuccessful in international love affairs, it didnt help that I followed a boy, who followed a girl to Edinburgh, well not entirely, but he was part of the reason. To be at the end of a string is a very lonely and precarious place. I took my usual stance and felt it was better off that we became friends rather than me secretly pining over him, because our relationship would not have lasted longer than few clumsy make-out sessions. By the time we parted ways, I had resolved my feeling(s) of unrequited love and we are still friends, years later and on the other side of the world.
Enter the holiday romance these relationships are important to experience, because they are intense, fleeting and give some insight
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in to fiery passion. The only issue with mine was after the holiday he followed me to Australia.
Indonesia is a likely back drop for a romance, but I was travelling with a friend, and I was not looking for anything romantic. It is easy for two girls travelling together to meet men, what follows next is not uncommon - taking one for the team. It is an unspoken rule between you and your girlfriend - you meet a pair of guys and you would be expected to make small talk and eventually make out with one of them so your friend can hook up with the other one (if you are the person taking one for the team, you are with the guy who is considered less appealing). It is also possible that these flings will turn into a holiday relationship.
The holiday fling is a polarised relationship because it has a projected end point. It is this forecast of a deadline that makes it feel like it is on steroids. There is something alluring and sexy when in holiday mode, it magnifies all the experiences and puts the relationship into hyper-drive.
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My casual approach to relationships growing up has allowed me to have ample experience with different types of men this is not an admission to being a slut, far from it, but I was open to dating, relationships, experiencing guys and girls throughout high school, backpacking years, studying my degree, all the way to meeting my (now) husband. What I am trying to say is be open to sexual experiences but do not cross that line where your dignity is compromised.
One-Night Stands have a place in the world, but it does not have to happen every time you go out. Of the (few) one-night stands I have had, they have developed into really great casual sex that lasted a couple of years. The one-night stands I am witnessing these days are out of desperation (not to be standing alone at two am). Women have digressed, are settling, being used and they are putting their sexual health at risk. We have more choices these days and do not have to settle for the drunken guy at two am! Seriously how great can the sex be, or memorable for that matter?
In saying all of this, it is best to rebound with (safe) casual sex instead of getting emotional fulfilment in a rebound relationship; someone
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will end up getting hurt. Obtain emotional fulfilment after a break up from your girlfriends and your physical needs from quality, casual sex.
Shortly after Samantha, (from Sex and the City), changed the perspective of female sex; The Slut took ownership of her actions, and she became The Man-Eater. A Man-Eater is strong, confident and goes after and (usually) gets what she wants. She is not giving off a vibe that she wants a relationship, or a husband, so attracting a man is not difficult. People are not going to bars and nightclubs to find their soul-mates, it is a bonus if that happens, but Mr Long Term Relationship Guy and Mrs I Want A Meaningful-Lasting Relationship Girl are not gracing the bars or night clubs. After years of feeling suppressed under a scarlet letter, the Man-Eater is a breath of fresh air.
I will be honest and say this; being a man-eater can wear you down, women experiment with this persona in their twenties, after breakups and through the early thirties if still battling with the transition from twenty to thirty. However, once your focus starts to shift and you want more than cleaning your sheets and airing out your
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bedroom every Sunday, you have to trade-in your man-eating ways to share your Sunday with your boyfriend.
Casual sex is a good segway in to the importance of sexual health. It seems the subject of casual sex is still considered taboo. I am almost certain that the notion that the man is responsible for providing birth control is still the expectation. Women in their twenties and thirties have to take responsibility for birth control and ensure that they are practicing safe sex, as you have no idea where your partner(s) have been. Sexual health exams and regular pap smears are nonnegotiables if you are a) sexually active; and b) want to have children in the future (no matter how far away that future is).
My concern grew after sitting down to brunch with two very smart, clever twenty-something girlfriends; I was mortified to find out that both thought withdrawal (coitus interruptus) was a birth control method. I had to pick my jaw off the table before I delved in all the reasons why it certainly was not; besides STIs there is a good chance it could result in a baby meet Mr Pre-Ejaculate, which happens, as his name suggests, before, ah-hem, the orgasm. A light bulb went off
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above their heads; many friends had recently fallen pregnant by accident as a result of coitus interruptus. I think I made my point.
This brings me to the importance of having a gynaecologist and visiting them regularly. STIs often do not show many symptoms in women and it is these infections that are attacking our reproductive systems, if left unnoticed having babies is not going to be easy, if at all possible. A fur-baby may be all that you can have before you even give yourself a chance to consider wanting a really baby you would not want that decision taken away from you, now would you?
It is also important to be honest in the bedroom. It is not going to do anyone any favours to fake having a good time. If you are not into it, change it up and if you are still not feeling it probably best not to go through with it, because sex will be ruined for you. No use lying and engaging in sex or intimacy under duress. Whether it is the first time with your new partner, or the hundredth time - communication is key.
When I started having regular sex again, after my not-so-great-time in high school, I was not a great communicator not like dirty talk or
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anything, but I was not exactly speaking up either. Had I spoken up I probably would not have had to endure some of the quirky and questionable things that happened such as; having my armpit seductively licked by my celibate boyfriend under the guise it was an erogenous zone. Or making out at a party and instead of gently sucking on my ear lobe (something I enjoy) this guy proceeded to stick his tongue into my ear and lick every inch. Had I not been so keen to save face (how very Japanese of me) I would not have collected stories like these or figured out what I would like or not.
Everyone is capable of having sex without the element of love, but if there is some deeper connection then purely physical it can be fantastic. In hindsight I have only had a handful of fantastic lovers and these were with men that I actually connected with, not only on a physical level but an intellectual level as well. Females are more cerebral than men when it comes to sexual fulfilment, and there needs to be the element of trust in order to relax in an intimate setting.
I have thought about how the female anatomy can be improved and it is simple, the clitoris should be where all the action is taking place,
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not two centimetres above it, and would not be controlled by the mind. The female mind is a curious place, where we can juggle a myriad of thoughts and ideas at the same time; born multi-taskers it is not hard for us to walk and chew gum, but ask us to focus on one thing at time, this is an art, a meditation I have yet to unravel.
If you have not been talking about sex already I implore you to. You should have already been with your parents in your teens and twenties, as well as your friends, and partner(s) well into your thirties. Sex will shift and change and no two times are ever a like. Your tastes will evolve, as your sex life is sensitive to all different kinds of mitigating factors; mood, stress level, cycle, alcohol, celebration, commiseration, workload, duration, weekend or
weekday to name a few. Having a continuous open dialogue helps alleviate sexual inhibitions and helps you gain confidence. Lets face the fact that (with hope) you will be having sex for the rest of your life, do you not want it to be amazing and exceed all expectations?
To break these habits I recommend a few alcohol-free weeks, this will changes your social habits. It makes you focus on yourself, and forces you to fill your time with other things like work, health, fitness
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and other relationships. You will start to feel cleansed, refocused and youll open up. I have seen this work successfully and it delivers better results than reading self-help books, and speed-dating; it allows you to be open to meet people more organically and also analyse why you were engaging in reckless behaviour in the past.
Once you enter into your thirties your sexual know-how and confidence should be high, and you should be very comfortable in what your sexpectations are of yourself and your partner(s). It is also a time where life can over complicate and take precedence over wanting and having sex. It is important to keep making sex a priority whether you are having sex with your boyfriend; a man friend; or with yourself - regular sex is healthy and apart of life. If your sex life is dwindling and you are in a relationship, do not go seeking single friends and live vicariously through them, or engage in adulterous behaviour, take the time to re-educate each other about one another. There would be nothing worse than being stuck in a sexless marriage or relationship, it would be better to be on the other side such a negative statistic and be proactive in sexual improvement. I find it peculiar that my friends are disgusted at the thought of their
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parents having sex; Really? When Im that old and a parent I still want to be having sex
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Thats how control dramas perpetuate themselves. But remember, there is a tendency to see these dramas in others but to think that we ourselves are free from such devices. Almost all of us tend to be stuck, at least some of the time, in a drama and we have to step back and look at ourselves long enough to discover what it is. - James Redfield; The Celestine Prophecy
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In order to get what we want we tend to fall into tactics or strategies that we have developed. Whether it is a positive or negative form of manipulation, the desired outcome remains the same to build ourselves up. This type of behaviour is not just reserved for the relationship you may have or had with a boyfriend or girlfriend, we apply our personal strategies to all types of interactions. There are a plethora of theories that explain our selfish need to gain energy by manipulating individuals to exhaust their attention on us. Have you ever sat down and had coffee with a friend, who would only focus on themselves, never ask you any questions, and seem to grow disinterested if the focus was not on them? Have you ever gone to a party and someone is recounting funny things or act out so they are the centre of attention? If you have answered yes, then you have witnessed two distinctly different types of manipulation. The former would leave you feeling drained and exhausted, while that person would feel empowered. The latter can result in a symbiotic exchange of positive energy.
According to The Celestine Prophecy (James Redfield, 1993) there are four main methods used to gain energy called Control Dramas. The premise behind the Control Dramas is that we have learned how
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to manipulate people in either a positive and negative way to receive energy. It is something that we have learnt from our parents, who inturn, have learnt through theirs. I would like to say that we grow out of these; unfortunately we do not, if anything there is a dependence on them in our twenties and a constant reversion back to these manipulative tactics in our thirties. Just being conscience of them is enough to recognise the situations we use them in and try not to rely on them so much. There is something intrinsic about them and we do not use just one of them, but they all are tools in our individual coping strategies.
1. Intimidators take energy from others by threat (either verbally or physically). You are forced, for fear of something bad happening to you, to pay attention to them and so to give them energy. This is the most aggressive kind of drama. 2. Interrogators take it by judging and questioning. These people verbally take control of conversations and make the other person feel inferior through persistent questioning. 3. Aloof people attract attention (and energy) to themselves by playing coy. These people get attention by retelling silly things
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they have done, acting clueless and relying on others to make decisions. 4. Poor mes make us feel guilty and responsible for them. They complain and whinge about problems, offering no solutions. They make you feel guilty when you are in their presence, even though you know there is no reason to feel that way. Everything they say and do puts you in a place where you have to defend against the idea that you are not doing enough for them.
My analysis is not as stringent but the underlying hypothesis is the same; for example the negative strategy of acquiring energy is The Eeyore and the positive acquisition of energy is The Jester:
The Eeyore is different than The Jester because they are a vortex for energy. Picture you are at a party and someone is telling a story in a group of people, everyone is watching them, engaged and the story teller is commanding their audience and the audience is giving the speaker their undivided attention. The story teller becomes more animated because all the listeners are sending them energy meet The Jester.
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The Eeyore has the uncanny ability to take energy in much the same way, but does not use it to help lift them up. The Eeyore greedily steals your energy, leaving you exhausted and tired with every encounter. They are comparable to a black hole; The Eeyore needs others to feed off.
It is exhausting to be an Eeyore, the weight of the world on their shoulders - carrying around all that worry, all that grief. They have this mysterious ability to believe they are the centre of not only their own universe but everyone elses. When they walk into a room, they automatically believe that everyone is talking about them, concerned about them even if no one has bothered to acknowledge them (this would intrigue them more!). The Eeyore Effect is worse if they go unnoticed. This is classic Eeyore, if they do not have the attention (positive or negative) they are programmed to take it. I am not a selfish person, and normally I do not have an issue giving my attention, but the Eeyore has an insatiable appetite for the undivided attention/energy and they do not use it to benefit themselves.
What I have found slightly disturbing about Australian men is they have an Eeyoreness about them, an inability to communicate
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effectively. This is routed in the young, primitive society that Australia is. If men talk about their feelings, or show emotion they are viewed as weak; and in a society full of alpha males only the strong survive. I first witnessed this reservation to deal openly about issues in my husbands father. I have never met someone so willing to internalise his issues to the point they could manifest into something physical like his heart attack, which then lead to depression and subsequent suicidal tendencies. My husband's unwillingness to open up was a point of contention early on in our relationship.
It is important to talk about things openly, even if it is an uncomfortable topic. Encouraging men to talk is vital to their mental health, and coping strategies. Friends are not just there to drink beer and watch sports with, to one-up each other about women and success; it is important to be able to flesh out the big ideas, the important things, male friends should be a very large source of support, if not it is a huge burden for one person.
Men and women are fundamentality different, not just physically but how we communicate and form opinions this is neither good nor
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bad, it is just a truism. It is also how we balance each other out. However, there are some things that we need support with that the same gendered friends are better equipped to deal with. It is nice to go out to brunch and see that more men are spending time together, because once they become more comfortable with one another the easier it will be to open up about things. Supporting men to forge meaningful relationships with other men is important, it will alleviate the pressure that you are the only person that will assist in dealing with lifes issues. Unfortunately twenty-something men are not about to start sharing their inner most secrets with their friends. Cross fingers in their thirties they will (eventually) make the realisation that they want to finally settle down or settle into their relationship, which is fantastic but they probably would have come to these realisations sooner had they been able to confide in their male friends. A dialogue early on would prove that they may all be striving toward the same life goals and they could assist each other in achieving them rather than repressing them.
This leads me to point out that there are other misconceptions about men and women in the thirties. Men assume thirty-something women are walking around with 'I Want A Husband' tattooed on
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their forehead, which makes them regress to dating twentysomething women. This seldom works because once the feverish sex dwindles the realisation they are at different stages in their lives sets in. I hate to break it to the guys out there but just because a woman is self-sufficient and single after thirty does not mean she is looking for a husband. What scares men back to reliving their twenties is that thirty-something women are not stuck up a tree and do not need a knight in shining armour. Men are thinking we want marriage and women are thinking, What exactly do I want?
There is a fundamental imbalance in the relationship if you are not on the same page. A common imbalance is what I call The Pedestal Syndrome; where one person has put their partner up on a pedestal, idolising them - this relationship cannot work until everything evens out. After witnessing an eleven year battle for power between two of my friends, it appeared to finally be balancing out, the titter-totter that has been their relationship for over a decade has levelled out and they can see eye-to-eye what I am also witnessing is their individual dramas coming into play, which may not result in the desired outcome. It is not going to be easy to clear the mess that has built up over the years between them, but if they can stop self-
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sabotaging, there could be a chance for them, to either move forward or gain closure. The Pedestal Syndrome is such a great ego stroke and usually happens when the consummate twenty-four year old plays up to the thirty-somethings wounded ego, this type of relationship has its place but can also have an expiration date, once all the newness wears off. Do not get addicted to this fleeting romance, as it is a short term investment. Do not force it to work beyond a certain point because it will implode - fiery passion eventually fades.
If two thirty-somethings could find each other, sit down, and communicate honestly then they would realise that her forehead is not advertising I want a husband and his is not saying Im emotionally unavailable then they will be able to see one another for what they both are; independent, successful and more in-tune with themselves. Not desperate, or a womaniser these labels, these stigmatisms are old, and we have to stop projecting societies preconceived notions onto people it is time to break the rules because what we may find may be exactly what we need.
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I cant go back to yesterday, because I was a different person then. Lewis Carol; Alice in Wonderland In order to hold onto love, they start altering their behaviour. Thus, two people literally lose themselves in a relationship. They get into the relationship hoping to find themselves, and they lose themselves instead. They join in this partnership hoping that the whole will be greater than the sum of the parts, only to find that it is less.; less capable, less able, less exciting, less attractive, less joyful. This is because they are less; theyve give up most of who they are in order to be and to stay in their relationship. - Neale Donald Walsch; Conversations with God: an uncommon dialogue
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The subject of this chapter, identity and independence, is not a new concept, but a common one; you do not have to lose yourself in the relationship to make the other person happy, because it does not work.
I lost myself in my first serious relationship in high school. He was my everything, until he meant nothing to me. I lost friends, freedom and my identity to this boy; until I realised that I was a shell of myself, and I hit bottom. I started to rebel - I lied to hang out with friends, started fights, until one afternoon he locked himself in my bathroom, with a steak knife and threated to kill himself in hindsight I should have told him go through with it, as it was an empty threat, just another way to control me. Before this point there were ample warning signs but I was so in love I submitted to him. After that I felt the only way that I was able to get out of the relationship was to check out of life. One night, while having a sleep over at a friends house, I ingested fifty sleeping pills and went to sleep hoping never to wake up. A few hours later in a prescription drug haze I woke up violently vomiting up all the pills (I guess it was not my time to go). As I lay at home sleeping it off (I can only suspect my father thought I was actually high on illegal drugs), my controlling boyfriend, who
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recently moved around the corner from me, decided it was best to drag me to his house to have a fight. This fight is something I keep deep within the recess of my mind.
I definitely knew I had made the right decision to end the relationship when I was pinned against a dresser trembling with fear, while he slap shot hockey pucks at me. After countless welts on my arms, slap marks up and down my body, this was the last incident that hardened me for the coming years. It also freed me. I came out of that relationship different then I went in, and it took a long time to rebuild myself. It was true - what does not kill you makes you stronger. After hitting bottom, the only way is up. For two years of my life I was like Alice tumbling down the rabbit hole, and now I wanted my life back at seventeen.
Not all experiences of losing your sense of self are so confronting, usually it is something that sneaks up on you. You wake up one day and think; who am I? What am I doing? Or a friend (that is brave enough) will put a mirror up to you and show you what you have become - shadow, a ghost, a different person, a zombie whatever is looking back at you is something that you can change.
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People tend to change, and lose their independence because they believe that is what is best for the relationship, it is what their partner wants; this could not be further from the truth. Not only does it increase personal stress, it will introduce new stresses in the relationship, because it is impossible for one person to carry the responsibility for both partners happiness. People are selfish and only want to be responsible for their own fulfilment; if you give up yours to another party you are setting yourself up to fail and to fail the other person. It is a lot of added responsibility and perceived pressure, isnt it?
It begs the question; what defines you? The answer will evolve from the twenties to the thirties, if it doesnt somewhere in your late twenties then you are in for a serious wake-up call when you hit thirty.
It is a delicate balance of all kinds of things that define you; job, relationship, family, beliefs, friends, all influenced by your personal experience. In your late twenties you stop being so focused on external fulfilment and you start looking internally, this is where the magic happens, where you actually decide what qualities you
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personally want to portray, how you want to act and behave, once this happens everything else starts to fall into place. You grow up.
Retrospection is a key developmental step, and once you hit the thirties everything begins to balance out. You are meant to stumble and fall in your twenties endure heart ache, successes and failures in all aspects of life, and after it starts to calm down, the thirties are to settle into who you are inevitably going to be. Surely it may not be as poetic but the acceptance that failure will happen throughout life, but it is not the end of the world; is a great epiphany.
There a type of person who is dedicated to a timeline. These people operate on a stringent timeline, and subject themselves to anything to avoid deviation; for if they deviate they fail. If they have been in a relationship for a few years, they become a shadow of themselves; being so agreeable with their partner they have lost themselves in order to keep the attention of their love interest. To ensure at all costs that this person is going to be the one on bended knee by thirty. It is difficult to idly watch as your friend behaves like this, but this is one mistake that you will have to bite your tongue about and let your friend make it. If this sound like you then it may be time for
some introspection think about whom you used to be and who you are now, has the sacrifice been worth it? I have witnessed this obsession to stay on track that once they get what they want, they rebel. The revolt against everything you thought you wanted. The Zoolander moment when you ask yourself; Who am I? and you respond I dont know.
Let me preface that I am of strong opinion that you need to experience life in your twenties; not settle down with your high school sweetheart, get married and have children. If you satisfied this urge to get married early and have a young family, I can almost say for certain once thirty is knocking on the door or you have already crossed the threshold you will engage in activity that will be considered adulterous. You may even take a break from your life or (or better or worse) leave it entirely for something else that you (believe) want now; the grass is always greener. Also if you take a timeout your partner may not be waiting for you once you have gone and done whatever it is you believe that you have to do. You have every right to experience life as you wish, but probably best to do it without a ring on your finger or children to tuck into bed at night.
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You would not act so self-righteous if you were not so quick to grow up in the first place.
What is the rush anyway? As a society and individually, we are living longer, more fulfilled lives. We have more choices and freedoms that are enriching our life experiences. At twenty-five you have only lived around one third of your life, and thirty-seven you are about halfway so the mentality that we need to get everything we want immediately is a premature reaction to the scare tactics that our government has been implementing for years to drive population growth. Spend some time getting to know yourself, and once you have pretty good idea of who you are everything else you chose to do in life will complement what you an amazing, individual person you have become.
The reason I am so passionate about this is because I have witnessed it time and time again, this need to fast forward life, and what happens in the subsequent years that follow. I am sure there are living breathing exceptions but more often than not, just as the movie Hes Just Not That Into You suggests, we are the rule. This willingness to both fast forward and rebel are directly linked to not
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having your identity figured out, which directly affects how much of your own person you are. Keep this in the back of your mind about getting into a relationship; you are not something to be completed, a half of a whole, you are a complete person in your own right and in a relationship you should complement each other rather that complete. If you depend on someone else to complete you, then you are at risk of lose your sense of self.
Take my advice with a grain of salt but learn from your twenties, figure life out what you like, what you do not, what your personal needs and wants are and what you want from your relationship(s) what kind of fulfilment do you need from a partner? I will stress that you need to figure this out before your thirties or there will be some unfortunate truths staring you in the face. Bringing all your idioms from the twenties to the thirties may be endearing but will soon tire.
Identity and Independence, they are physiognomies that we struggle with from two years of age, and probably battle with until somewhere in our thirties. They should not be compromised or mitigated for anyone or anything. Unless you willingly compromise your values and beliefs, what I mean is you do not have to be a bitch
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just because you can, but you can exercise your bitchiness if the circumstances are right.
During the elusive honeymoon period, it is very common to get caught up in each other, blow off friends and spend days together barely coming up for air. Most friends understand, because they have been there, but once the romantic dinners turn into take away and a DVD it is important to have a life that is separate to your partners; separate interests, or activities, where you are able to have space. It is imperative that you both want this independence; otherwise there will be miscommunication that could erode into a bigger problem; an elephant in the room. Being independent whilst being part of a couple will enrich your relationship and ensure that you do not lose your identity and you do not end up defining yourself by your partner you have to remain an 'I' in the ''WE. If you do not there could be a moment in your future where you wake up filled with resentment and wonder who you are enter the rebellion. This is a war you do not want because it is irrational and once it is over you may not be able to salvage what is left.
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Once you are in your thirties there is a new found clarity, awareness and a calmer approach to life. You have entered a phase in your life where you no longer have identity issues, you do not just say you are a certain way, you actually are. You will be comfortable with you, and you would not compromise yourself, as in lose the wonderful person you are in your relationships. This is an important realisation and when it happens there may be some difficult conversations you will have to have, but it will be for the best. Even if this self-belief happens later on and you have to make some tough decisions, you have made the best one. For example you rush into marriage and kids and you wake up one day pre forty and you do not want your life anymore, because it is not consistent with who you want(ed) to be (the person you left behind somewhere in your twenties, a person you did not even let yourself get to know) as difficult as this place may seem you have made the right decision.
How you navigate this information should be done with sensitivity and try not to make any quick decisions. It is possible to figure out what you need to feel more fulfilled while still remaining in your relationship. If you try within the parameters of a partnership and still come to the same conclusion then it may be time to walk away.
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As scary as this transition would be, you will be better for it. Do not stay in a partnership just because you like being in a relationship and do not want to be alone, be brave enough to walk away.
This topic resonates because I have been there and I was brave enough to take a time out and found my way back again. I was lost and it was a difficult and painful time but necessary to find my way back again. I have metamorphosed and it is very much the case of the caterpillar changing into a butterfly; just dont clip your own wings in the process.
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Maybe our girlfriends are our soul mates and guys are just people to have fun with. - Candace Bushnell; Sex and the City
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Growing up I was the female version of my brother and raised by my father in short I was the consummate tomboy. Connecting with boys came naturally and was less complicated then forging meaningful relationships with girls. I still wanted to be one of the popular girls, but once I was accepted it was a constant struggle. The ability to befriend the opposite sex was both an advantage and to my detriment, it meant that relating to, attracting and relationships with boys always came easily. However, it strained my ability to have girlfriends because of the intimidation and jealousy.
If you are ever going to be a parent, I encourage you to foster friendships and interactions between girls and boys when your children are young, it will help create a more balanced child, because we all know that too much of anything cannot be good (same-sex schools, sport teams, friendship circles to name a few). The divide of girls and boys from a young age creates this anomaly in approaching relationships, it promotes a weird competitiveness.
I had female friends in high school, but they grew out of playing sports together, because there was none of that weird female competitive energy (off the field) between us. Primarily I was friends
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with the same group of boys throughout primary and secondary school, then after high school, forged strong bonds with another group of men that has lasted throughout the years and distance.
We befriended another woman into the group, but she was someone that everyone wanted to sleep with; she was gorgeous, with a great personality the issue was she knew this and it turned into a competition with her for their affections. I did not feel any animosity when she took over the female role within the group while I was traveling overseas, but I was deeply hurt, when replaced me in my romantic relationship. The romantic in me travelled back during no two weeks in particular to surprise him, and they were wonderful. We had such a great connection we started to make plans for our future. By the time I landed back in Australia the news that they had been together since February, and it was now June, crushed me. You know the feeling that everyone knows something but you, in hindsight you can still feel like an idiot. I have never felt so betrayed.
The movie Mean Girls was on to something girl fighting is sneaky, more psychological, and is misunderstood by men. This is why it is best to figure out what you want in friends and anyone that is
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inconsistent with that is not worth it, male or female. Some of the best advice was given to me by my uncle during my first year of university, The people you meet in first year you do not want to know in second. I laughed it off, but in hindsight he was right. I do not know any of the people from my first year as a freshman in Canada, as well as my second time at university in Australia. For some reason I would form relationships with women who would eventually find me intimidating and subsequently sabotage the relationship, for either a man or to prove to me that their lives were better than my own. I admit that I am an immensely competitive person, but in sport not in life. My grandmother made the observation that there always seems to be some group of girls who bullied me growing up, for no other reason other than they were jealous.
I only realised the true value and importance of female companionship when it was thrust on me, upon moving to Australia. It is a very young society, almost primitive, where men are friends with predominantly men, and women are friends with predominantly women, and they only interact for the purpose of sex and procreation. It proved to be extremely difficult to have friendships
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with men, when the mentality is Men are only friends with women to sleep with them. Do not get me wrong, these ideologies are slowly changing, I finally made my first Australian (male) friend that was not gay a few years ago; prior to that I was forced to cultivate relationships with women.
The great thing about playing sport with other females is it gives you the opportunity to connect with other women you already have something in common with. You are surrounded by women that are competitive, understand team work and compromise. It is a forum to meet all kinds of women on common ground, already like-minded in one aspect of life, and different in a lot of other ways. This is a unique opportunity because having access to such diversity assists in creating friendships with other females that have difference views, ideologies that will challenge and support you when needed. I have witnessed a lot of successful female groups form on the back of a sporting team. Some of my lasting friendships with women have been forged out of a love for sports.
It is so important to cultivate and form these friendship groups to have the support you will need to be successful in life. You should
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also have several different friendship circles as well; work, social etc., so you have several different females outlets; from different backgrounds, and viewpoints. Friends are important not just in terms of reassurance, or to lift you up when you are feeling low, they will let you know when you are being irrational and should be able to be honest with you if your perception of reality is not necessary wrong but it is not right either. It is also important to realise that female relationships are just like any relationships in your life, it is not always going to be puppies and rainbows, there will be tears, and disagreements as well as laughter and fun, in other words they take work and commitment.
It is also important to realise that friendships, like relationships, can run their course. The people you knew in high school may not be the people you are friends with later in life and this is ok. People out grow each other, follow different paths - there is nothing worse than forcing a friendship out of obligation - it is exhausting and time consuming. It may also turn you into the type of person who is seen rolling their eyes behind there sunglasses; a bitch, the kind that strikes behind peoples backs, rather than to their face.
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I am a self-confessed bitch; a bitch to be funny, a bitch to be mean, a bitch to prove a point. I did not give up the inner bitch completely but I definitely rely on her less once I turned thirty. In the twenties she was a necessary guise that helped make me feel stronger, and more popular. She was someone you did not want to cross; someone you definitely wanted on your side. A few times she turned into a bully (whom I regret) - a ball thrown at a crying girls head, slapping my boyfriends friend across the face, slapping my boyfriend and ostracising a friend. The last incident almost made me lose a friend and my (now) husband. These were not my best moments; they never are when you morph into your alter-ego, the ugly-bitchy version of yourself. I recommend losing this attribute as soon as you learn she is hanging around, her presence rarely results in anything good, and if you had to bring her out to get what you want ask yourself was it worth it?
As I left the bitchy twenties behind, I mellowed out as I moved into my thirties and I was defining my friendship circles. In the aftermath of great adversity, I was left stronger and firmly rooted in who I wanted to be; aligning myself with female friends that were strong, driven and like-minded. If you meet someone who will take you as
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you are flaws and all marry them, if you find those qualities in female companions even better you will have friends for life no matter where life takes you.
In order to get through life successfully and with some solid friendships something has got to give, and that something is twentysomething ideologies about friendships. I had to shed the want to always be the life of the party and centre of attention trade the cocktails and nightclubs for coffees and dinners, events that are not always alcoholcentric.
I am a consummate communicator; it is in my star sign (Gemini) to talk. What I have learnt is I am great at avoiding the hard conversations I am an internaliser. It is has not been until these past twelve months where I have begun to lean on my girlfriends. It was a lot easier to open up once I convinced myself that I was not being a burden and they were around to listen and offer advice if needed. That is not to say I do not revert at times to mulling over and over issues in my head, but once I remind myself that I do not have to confide in a bottle of wine midweek, that my friends are only a social media application away, I begun to open up, if anything so I do
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not have the burden of whatever is eating away at me. It is nice to know that regardless if I am at the top or tumbling toward the bottom I am not alone and neither are you.
Great friends are able to be your mirror, and they should be able to tell you the truth no matter how delusional you may be about things. When you are being irrational they will help you rationalise; support you when you need it and give you tough love when necessary. In the thirties you need friends that are honest and opinionated. This is where you may have to cut ties with friends from high school or university that only feed your ego and agree with everything you say or they are keeping you in tow to feed their egos. If you still need that validation into your thirties you need to do a little selfevaluation.
Sex and the City, did not revolutionise female relationships, just like Entourage did not evolve male relationships they just confirmed what we already know they are necessary to our personal success.
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"I dont want my tombstone to read, She had a great retirement plan" - Laurel Gray "I must say I hate money, but it is the lack of it that I hate most" Katherine Mansfield
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What ever happened to good ol forks-in-roads? Now they are all four-way stops or round-abouts so you never make a wrong turn. It is those wrong turns that give us new directions. There are so many stats about my generation and our careers; moving from one company to another to move laterally and up the proverbial ladder; apparently it is projected that we will change jobs every three years. I have remained in the same industry for eight years and feel as though I have gone as far as I possibly can. So I am not so-much at a cross-roads but a definite fork. Right now I am asking myself the question is it time to change industries or is there another position within the health and fitness industry that will reignite my passion, and will offer me a succession plan for continuing development and success? I have to shift my focus. Revaluate my skill-set and think about what the next career move is. I have been asking myself is it still about making money or is it about being happy?
I am not so much money driven as spend driven I like to spend money and I am good at it, but it means that I have to be making money to spend it. Budgeting is not my forte, neither is sticking to one. This is not a good thing. My gran always used to tell me to save
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ten cents from every dollar I made - I just think of how much money I would have now and it makes me sheepish.
Living beyond our means is not a difficult thing to do when everything is so expensive, from public transport, to groceries, to entertainment, add living expenses and it is difficult to make enough to live, let along save. Unfortunately we are social creatures, and enjoy socialising over dinner and drinks; once you make the decision to start saving and spending less, your social life is non-existent. A DVD and homemade pizza is the new Friday night.
I am currently redoing the budget and seeing where I can save, which means getting on the push bike, cancelling the gym membership and personal training, making coffees at home, no more eating out or takeaways, no more midweek bottles of wine and the list does not stop there; have to cut the cleaner out, and pay tv, monthly pedicures, waxing and massage appointments. At this stage a growing bank balance and shrinking expenses is more important than spending but I was the one to realise that I have to make the changes, if someone else were to tell me to do so I would not listen.
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I never understood why we are meant to make up our minds about our career path at sixteen. I know what I was thinking when I was sixteen and it was not what I wanted to be doing when I was twentytwo; I was concerned with how I looked, the cute boy in my math class and playing sport not my future career. I chose criminal defence lawyer, how do you think I went with that considering my current industry is health and fitness? What is comical about researching what you want to do with your life at sixteen is about eight years prior to that I wanted to be a secretary (yes I played office at home), and when I was four I wanted to be a fire truck, ask me now and I would tell you published author. Another issue with choosing a career as a lawyer at sixteen is that my school did not offer any classes in law, let alone work experience to see if I would actually enjoy the industry.
The timeline goes as follows; keep up fantastic grades, complete a four year undergraduate degree with fantastic grades, apply to law school and graduate with honours eight years of study is a daunting prospect after graduating from high school after thirteen years of study. Canada did not promote a gap year so I was staring at twentyone years of consecutive study, pretty much setting myself up for
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failure. What would follow would be my first job, probably not in the field I studied, marrying my high school sweetheart, moving back to the small town and start a family. All of this is inconsistent with what my father instilled in me; travel and live life before you have children because they change everything.
Asking a sixteen year old girl what she wants to be when she grows up, it is not uncommon to hear, A model and an AFL wife. Yep thats right a model, and a wife of someone who is (semi) famous and who makes a lot of money. I had mentioned previously that Australia is a young(er) nation, but I did not realise that our predecessors who stood up for equality amongst genders burned their bras, so little girls could dream of being models and Stepford wives?! I would hope that girls would be more ambitious than this, but it is a sad truth that where there is money and fame there are opportunists. I would prefer to be independent and make my own money, then rely on someone else.
Of course Wags, the
acronym used to describe the wives and
girlfriends of sports stars, is a sexist slap in the face; an appellation that underlines their status as adjuncts to their husbands:
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accessories, appendages. By the 21st century, we might have expected the idea of women being defined by their male partners to have died along with the idea of marriage as a career path. And yet, when it comes to the Wag obsession, we seem to have regressed many decades. As "G2 interview with Natasha Walter" says, "There's a really worrying hierarchy in the newspapers: that to be the wife is better than to be the girlfriend, and to be the wife of the more successful footballer is better than to be the wife of the less
successful footballer. It is like an 18th- or early 19th-century idea of the woman being given value by her relationship with the man, and the more successful he is, the more valuable she is."
The scene most reality-tv shows of rich housewives the sunbathing, shopping, drinking and dancing on tables Their stories represent a modern fairy-tale. "If you are a sales assistant earning minimum wage, you could go into a nightclub and, in a Cinderella-style moment, meet your Prince Charming and your life would be changed for ever. You'd have more money, every day, than you'd have had in years. You'd have the castle on the hill. You'd be a style icon." www.guardian.co.uk; Why Do Women Want To Be WAGs? By Kira Cochrane
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My rebellion from education did not occur until after my first year of tertiary study it was a tumultuous eight months, followed by eight more months working toward a working holiday in Scotland. My gap year turned into a three year hiatus. I cannot stress the importance of travel before completing a degree (although it is important to obtain a degree to be successful in the workforce). Traveling with a friend or alone is very important for your development; it also gives you a timeout from life so you can figure out exactly what direction you want to take. I have always had the urge to travel abroad and traveling to Europe made sense as we learnt so much European history in high school. It made me fiercely independent because every choice I made was my own; where to work, where to live, with whom, where to travel etc.
By the time I made the choice to head back to study, I was twentyone and settling in Melbourne Australia. I wanted to change several times within the degree until a rare occasion my father asserted his authority as a parent, You have to finish what you start. If you want to study something else thats fine but you have to finish this degree first. So I did, graduating from the University of Melbourne in 2004. I suggest that prior to choosing your degree and throughout your
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study to talk to a career councillor about what degree to enrol in, classes to take and what direction you are heading in, which fields and career paths can you choose these were all the important questions I failed to ask myself as well as an advisor and graduated with a Bachelor of Arts in writing, this was an achievement in itself but left me wanting more.
The next degree I embarked on was a personal interest in health science, I started studying naturopathy, which eventually changed to nutritional medicine, and I subsequently did not finish because being an international student and required to pay my tuition in full and upfront (about $25,000 worth), not sustainable for someone just starting out in the work force, and expensive for something that was somewhat of a hobby. Although it has underpinned my success for eight years in the health and fitness industry and may have been the direction I should have taken for my first degree.
Educational systems are different everywhere; in Argentina it is free; in North America once you graduate you will have anything from a $30,000 (student loan) debt and upward depending on the degree and the length; in Australia there is HECS and PELS, where you incur a
debt, once your income is above a certain threshold payments come out of your wages I was not privy to this system being an international student, and I am still ineligible until I become an Australian citizen. So my further education will have to wait.
I do recommend being a student for life as education/knowledge is power that will keep you competitive in your chosen field, or empower you to change paths. It may not be another degree, but a few short courses, or a certificate certainly helps on the job and on the resume. If anything to remain competitive in your chosen field, is the most important because as you progress you are not only going to be competing against newcomers with fresh drive and ambition but also those that have been in the industry far longer than you and are more experienced.
If your parents did not instil good finance acumen in you when you were young, best to seek out financial advice early on, to help with budgets, to be able to live within your means and save successfully. These are important elements to finance I wish I knew in my twenties. I got myself into some serious credit card debit, which is a double edged sword; you need a credit card to establish a good
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credit rating so you can get loans for houses and cars, however it is not free money and the banks encourage you to spend so you have to pay off interest. People have credit cards for emergencies but I am undisciplined it is in my nature to spend and be an active retail consumer; I have a walk-in closet that affirms this. The only time I could not be an active participant in consumerism was when I was a backpacker and could not acquire too much. I did not have a credit card, I lived in a five bedroom house with thirteen other people, and worked in a sandwich shop by day and pub by night saving was what being a backpacker was all about, saving on one or two minimum wage jobs to travel. The best thing you can do is to start saving when you start working, but I do not believe that you should work until you are out of high school. There is plenty of time to work and during high school is not one of them.
If you are in a good situation with your parents subsidising your life and you do not have to work during university I would recommend that as well, as studying and working do not mix well together. You will have split focus; money versus study. I am not saying that people have not pulled it off successfully, as I know students that have, I am just saying if you do not need to have that added pressure then do
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not rush into working too early. You will be spending most of your life working so what is the rush?
Some of the best career advice I was given was within the past couple of months; find a company that is aligned with my values and beliefs that I would like to work for, then search for positions within that company. It rings so true, as over the past few years I have been working for smaller businesses that have their own, ungoverned systems and procedures. It has made me realise what I do not want in my next career move.
This fork in my road needs to be paved in two directions; one has to be with a company that I can grow with professionally that will foster my passion for health and fitness. The other direction will be an industry change, a role where I would take a significant pay cut, a small trade for enjoying going to work each day as a writer in some capacity. Two completely different directions, but both excite me and both directions I have defined. Until I am a lucrative and published author it is important to be successful in my professional life.
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What I am getting at is do not be afraid of re-educating yourself for the rest of your life, and to take chances with your career. We are in the work force for most of our life. Work for a company that will foster a great environment that will have you wanting to go to work every day. Once that feeling wanes do not be afraid to make changes. Recognise that there are times in your life to spend and times to save and approach the latter like a miser because once you get a healthy bank balance there is more freedom to spend your hard earned money; there is nothing more exciting than choosing your choice and with more savings comes more opportunity.
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"In the end what matters most is how well did you love, how well did you live, how well did you learn to let go." Chinese Proverb
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Death is inevitable. Relationships and jobs ending are inevitable. I have never understood why we, as a society, are not properly equipped to deal with the emotions that are associated with things coming to an end. Even if we witness someone on a steady decline, and are aware of this inherent end point there is still an element of surprise and disbelief when it occurs. I understand that when an untimely end happens, like a fatal car accident, a parent burying a child or being made redundant, it can be surprising and difficult to deal with. However when death is knocking at someones door it is wise to be more prepared.
I am amazed at all the different approaches to mourning, and can attest that Western society may excel in certain areas like economic growth and obesity, however the grieving process is not one of them.
Asian countries celebrate death with a variety of rituals and offerings that accompany the burying or cremating of the body, which are deeply rooted in a belief that there is something else after death. Maybe this is what Western society is missing, a faith where death is not viewed as the end but as the beginning of something new. It is poetic to think there is something else after death, something other
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than Heaven or Hell; it might make the act of dying not so grim and finite. I realise how hypocritical it is of me as someone who does not practice a religion, but would it not make death more palatable to endure if we believed there was something after?
The other day I was watching a funeral in Atlanta on television, and it resembled a fashion parade, with a brass band marching the casket to the burial site, soulful music, horse-driven carriage, and a plethora of designer labels. There was also an overwhelming, dramatic pouring of emotion, called keening - if family members and friends do not express their grief in an exaggerated way it indicates that the deceased was not loved.
The belief in an afterlife is a very common and fundamental aspect of death and dying in the black experience. But they also believe that the dead are not in a distant heaven, but rather still among us. Blacks generally believe that in times of crisis or need, and sometimes in times of joy, departed loved ones are smiling down on us, looking out for us, and assisting us. Thus, even though it is stressful to have a loved one die, people find comfort in the belief that loved ones who may not be physically present are spiritually present. - www2.edc.org
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The thought that the dead are still walking amongst the living is viewed in a more haunting, Bettlejuicesque way, just think of all the new reality programs dedicated to ghosts and hauntings. I have limited experience with death and dying but I can attest that there is an increase in spiritual energy around the dying; and has been confirmed that this energy can manifest into palpable spirits. There is definitely something haunting about witnessing someone passing away.
People in my life have died, but I have been removed from Canada that I have been sheltered from death, because it did not affect my life directly I did not have to deal with the feelings attached to death. I encourage death to be discussed in an open forum, to gain a better understanding about grieving and to alleviate any stigmatism attached, instead of treating the grieving process as something done in solitude.
The grieving process is important to understand so it can be applied to other areas of our life because things do come to an end. Grief in our society should not be so repressed. This repression makes expressing emotions a little embarrassing, and people witnessing this
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emotion can feel uneasy because we are not equipped to deal with grief.
Indian culture "fosters interdependency and is sociocentric rather than egocentric. Individuality and privacy are not encouraged. These characteristics lend themselves to group therapy." But there is a continuum for these relationships. "We are not like the Japanese, where everything is the company, or the society, or the community. And we are not as individualistic as western culture. We are somewhere in between."
While this model may be true in India, elsewhere in Asia this interdependence has another side. One of the few studies of Asian populations in stressful situations found that they tended not to seek support from others the way westerners tend to. Interdependence, in this cultural context, involves a concern for interpersonal harmony and concern over loss of face. "Loss of face involves fulfilling one's social role," says psychologist Hall. "Seeking the help of others might be perceived as burdensome and upsetting the harmony of these social relations."
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The way people communicate further illustrates the importance of cultural sensitivity. Anthropologists and linguists point to two basic communication styles: high context and low context. Westerners tend to communicate in a low-context style, using words to explain nearly everything. Asian cultures, by contrast, are high-context cultures, valuing and emphasizing nonverbal communication. Eye contact, gestures, and facial expressions communicate even more than spoken language. "Not every culture is a talk-it-out type of culture," says psychologist Neil Boothby, a professor of public health at Columbia University. Now, he will return to cope with a more traumatic disaster. "Some people will pray, some will meditate, and some will seek solace in burial rituals and things of that nature. At a minimum, a western approach to talking about things could be ineffective; at maximum it could be harmful." www.health.usnews.com; The Borders of Healing by Marianne Szegedy-Maszak.
During my twenties I endured a couple significant break-ups; one I was blind-sided, one I was the instigator. When I was blind-sided it was during a long distance relationship, which meant getting over the heart ache was easier because I was not surrounded with everyday reminders. It meant I did not truly have to deal with it and
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it hopefully fade away. I recommend getting away for a while if your relationship comes to end. Distance and time are key to mending a broken heart. Also taking adequate time to consolidate what happened otherwise heartache can strike when you least expect it. (I should mention that they eventually got married, which made me feel like a relationship pariah.)
The other I was the instigator, I was not honest and it did not end well. If I knew, truly knew, how important it is not sugar coat the truth when breaking up with someone, then I would have spared some boys and a girl a lot of grief and anguish. It seems that it would be less problematic to take the - it is not me it is you route but it is convoluted and unfair. Had I been honest about falling out of love, as horrible as those words are to say and to hear, it would have given them closure. Instead my actions made the break up and mourning period last longer than it should. I would tell my twenty-something self, no matter how hurtful the words are to say, it is best to be honest about why you do not want to be with someone, and best not to move on before the relationship is over, no matter how comforting it is to be in the arms of someone else. I have been on both sides of the cheating line and it is selfish and hurtful and can be
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avoided. I have also caused people to act crazy because I could not be honest about the reasons surrounding the demise of the relationship, and I have been the crazy myself. It was not until I was on the receiving end of - it is not you it is me, did I realise how detrimental it is to the human soul. Be careful with this excuse, because it hardens the soul.
Break-ups are difficult regardless of the role you play. Verbalising the break-up is one of the final steps. This is why it always appears easier for the break-uper to move on, bear in mind for the past couple months they have already gone through the stages. The break-upee, even though they have been sensing something was amiss for a few months it is still a slap in the face to hear I dont think we should be together, it is also the beginning of the break-up process for the person on the receiving end.
Whatever follows next, whatever you do, own it; you get angry, and send fifty sms, you both end up back in bed with each other or someone else, these are all choices that you have chosen to make. It is difficult to not let emotions dictate actions, especially if there is anger or even third party involvement.
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Try to avoid alcohol, although break-ups and booze go together like pie and ice cream. I advise to delete their number or give your phone to a friend, I have had firsthand experience with this and there is nothing more regretful or embarrassing then reading angry, irrational messages you sent and received the following day, makes nursing a hangover far worse. Write them and dont send them, or write a friend instead.
Talk it out with family and friends. It is hard to deal with most things alone, so do not think you are stronger if you endure a broken heart alone. It is best to talk about it, and get different perspectives and support.
Realise you have to hit absolute bottom before you can start rebuilding yourself this is a point I cannot stress enough. You will go to your dark place, and there is nothing wrong with this, but let others help you crawl out, and you will but before you can, bottom is where you have to start.
The loss of anything significant is difficult to deal with, irrespective if it was your decision or not. I have just made the decision to leave my
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job as well as my competitive sporting team both were major aspects of my life, in terms of time, commitment and stress. Both were difficult decisions but both were mine. I suppose it has left me slightly elated but also slightly lost as to which direction I need to head. Before making the decision to leave both I went through the stages of grieving.
As I mentioned above about breaking up with someone once the person utters the words, I think we should break up they have already gone through the (majority) stages. Try to be sensitive to the other person as they are about to start the process that you have already gone through.
1. 2. 3. 4. 5.
Denial (This isnt happening to me?) Anger (Why is this happening to me?) Bargaining (I promise Ill be a better person if) Depression (I dont care anymore.) Acceptance (Im ready for whatever comes.)
People may not be able to get past certain stages depending on what has caused the grief, for example if a family loses a child it is common
to get stuck in the anger or depression stages, or during a break up it is common to settle in the bargaining stage before moving on. Once you recognise you are stuck in a perpetual pattern it may be time to move through the rest of the stages, closure is important so you can eventually move forward.
These stages are applicable to most things that come to an end in our life; career, relationship, and death. It is important to recongise that when something ends it has to be dealt with in order to move on and to make positive adjustments. There is no right or wrong amount of time to move through the stages but it is imperative that you acknowledge the importance of the grieving process; you deserve the opportunity to put your mind at peace no matter what you are mourning.
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"Once you become the mommy or daddy in your childs world, it is the only world in which you exist, no matter how much you fancy there is a separate world of your own." Robert Brault
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My (biological) clock did not even have batteries until this year. My father fostered adventure and hedonism before settling down and having a family. This was due to my parents being divorced by the time I was one, leaving my father to raise my brother and I. Needless to say my brother and I have both managed to avoid having children, or wanting children until now. My husband on the other hand has been ticking away since he was sixteen; not that he wanted to be a teen dad or anything - more due to the fact he has been fairly certain of what he wants out of life; career, family, success - he grounds my fleeting, nomadic nature.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a family later, or not at all, the latter of which I have used to define myself and it is a running diatribe between the people I know that have babies already. There is also nothing wrong with changing your mind. For the first few years of our relationship it felt like I was forced to keep up appearances - vehemently not wanting a child, because I was feeling immense external pressure to have one. Being backed into an unfamiliar corner, at such a young age and in a new relationship, made me rebel strongly against ever considering the idea. The pressure was so strong and went on for years that I eventually felt so
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claustrophobic that I had to have a time out from the relationship. Not the finest seven months of my life, but necessary. I needed perspective because it seemed once I got married the next step was to have babies straight away, at this stage I was not even considering them, and everyone around me was making me feel inadequate and possibly a little crazy for not jumping on the new mommy-train Departing Now.
What brought us back together after our seven-month sabbatical was the fact that we had decided to start our own family, with our own traditions and no one else mattered; not his extended family and not mine. I had to remember what brought us together in the first place; the love for each other. My husband wanted a family and babies but it was not going to be the end of the world if we chose later not to have one (as we were in no financial position to have one for a few years anyway). We have been married for six and together for almost ten and I am grateful every day that we have come to the decision to move forward together.
Which brings me to finances, it is important to have these in order because the baby bonus will not cover much, and neither will the
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pitiful excuse for maternity leave; this is not Sweden. As much as you may want children, be responsible and ensure your finances are in order. You will have to consider, student loans, credit card debit, wedding expenses, living expenses, mortgage, add a baby and it is an enormous financial commitment in excess of a million dollars to raise a single child. Also tell your parents it may be time to retire because the cost of childcare is so high it is expected that the grandparents will look after the children for free. There are a lot of things to consider so be mindful and consider all of them; it is not just playing house, or babysitting for a few hours - it is a commitment for life.
Deciding to have children at an age where most people already have them I am I have been privy to witness everything I do not want to be as a mother. There seems to be this air of importance that a mother takes on when she is with her child, just think of the last time a pram (stroller) was baring down on you on the sidewalk and you had jump out of the away. This self-rigorousness goes even further now that they have car-spaces next to disabled parking. The cynic in me is screaming, They just had a baby and could do with more exercise to get rid of the baby belly, they dont need special car-spaces closer to the doors. Youre a mother not a celebrity or disabled.
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Realise that once your child is a small person with a sense of self it does not have the attention span to focus on anything longer than twenty-odd minutes or so. Babies are fine at restaurants and cafes, but once they can be considered a small person leave them with a sitter. Also remember how annoying other peoples children were when you used to frequent restaurants. Do not adopt the (dis)illusion that your child will never be like that because the truth is, your child is probably going to be exactly like that. Even though babies are fine and welcomed at social gatherings it is probably best to be polite and ask if you can bring them, because people with babies and children are different than those without. Babies are a number one priority and focus so if your lunch buddy is not really interested in your baby, respect your friend and leave baby at home or find other things to talk about and save it for mothers group.
There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it. - Chinese Proverb I have witnessed women so set in their timeline of achievements that if their lives are not progressing accordingly they will force the issue, whether it is weddings, engagements or babies. I am not sure what the rush is, but it seems that these women are so stringent in their
need to not deviate from this path that it takes over their lives. Going so far as threatening ultimatums, handing out deadlines, stopping birth control to name a few. If this sounds like you, maybe take a step back and reassess if you are willing to settle just to ensure that you are married by twenty-eight and pregnant before thirty. Realise you may wake up in ten years, and rebel against the life you thought you wanted. There is a good chance you will take a trip to Cougar Town, have an affair or get divorced and surely act as if you do not have responsibilities as a parent. There is a shared thought amongst new parents and new mothers is that babies change everything; not necessarily for the positive or negative, but life is different on the other side of babies.
If it is such a drastic change it would not be such a bad decision to wait until early thirties for a myriad of reasons. Spending time with your person of choice; consider that people get married around three to five years after being together and potentially one to two years after marriage comes the wee ones. Surely there is not
anything wrong in spending a few more years with just each other? Enter the Fur Baby.
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I have three Fur Babies, each with their own personality. Personally none were a deflection for not having a baby, but for some it can be, and there is something to be said for having pets and giving your relationship more time to blossom. A few more years together just the two of you is nothing in the scheme of spending your life together. It also allows some more time to grow and change
together. I have been with my husband for almost ten years, and we have both changed individually since we first met at university. Throw a baby into the mix, during some pretty important stages of personal development and it would have confused and over complicated things.
A Fur Baby is an extension of the family, supplementing it for at least twelve years. I do attest they are not a pretend baby, and should not be considered a practice run for the real thing, other than another mouth to feed, the commitment to exercise, and finding it somewhere to stay when you go on holidays, your pet is very selfsufficient and are in no way a good representation of what is to come with a real baby.
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I do not have a baby yet. The mere fact that I actually want one is a blessing. I cannot pin point when I decided that I wanted one last year, just like the slowing metabolism and the European weight gain it was gradual, it is still something that does not come naturally to me. I do not goo and gaa at babies, I talk to them the way I would anyone, with my real voice.
I do not go around touching and staring at them and I do not think that they are all staring back at me. In fact when asked to hold them I tense up because I do not want to break the baby. I am so unmaternal that if a baby is too drooley, snotty or expressing a bodily function I recoil. I do not even believe for a second that if I have one that it will be different; my own bodily functions freak me out some times!
What I am keen to start hearing about is the change in statistics about having children later in life, I have always had a conspiracy theory about those numbers adamant it is a scare tactic to make us procreate and keep the population moving forward, and the baby bonus incentive; have babies and well give you money wink, wink.
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Already the theory that women are born with all their eggs is starting to be dispelled; apparently they have discovered stem cells which suggest that females are continually producing eggs. I am convinced the issues that affect conception and subsequently the foetus are something hereditary, not necessarily the age of the mother. When we reach our twenties we have barely lived, why stint our personal growth by pushing parenthood on us too early?
Do not get me started on programs that glorify early and teen pregnancies; ranging from 16 And Pregnant on MTV to One Born Every Minute on the BBC. It is about imparting knowledge onto children from parents and teachers; education is the best weapon against this phenomenon. It also means that society has to stop ignoring the fact that teenagers are engaging in underage drinking and exploring sexuality at a young age. Ignoring this exacerbates the situation, just like in the previous chapter that explored mourning it is not be ignored, but identified and addressed. As parents it is about being proactive with giving teenagers accurate and timely information so they have the tools to navigate lifes situations properly, and sex at an early age is one of them.
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Once it was clear that I was considering the possibility of having a baby, the research began just as I would for making a big purchase, or look into courses I wanted to study, I put hours of research into it. I recommend the internet for the most up-to-date information over paperbacks, at the time of writing this the movie What To Expect When Expecting was just released so it may make the former two obsolete go see the movie, then go have a baby!
It is clear that the entire cycle is approximately twelve months, if you are planning to have a baby. There is the three that precede trying to conceive, then nine as the human incubator; that is if everything goes to plan, which I am certain rarely does.
Once you are pregnant you will have to decide what kind of pregnant you are; will it slow you down, or will life continue as usual? You will have to decide what kind of diet youll follow; to sushi or not to sushi there are so many options out there it is best to do your research and find what is best for you. For example, Westerners are adverse to eating raw fish, and if a pregnant woman is caught eating sushi, it is considered blasphemous but what do Japanese women do? I can confirm their diets dont change and there is raw fish on the menu.
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Research is important prior to getting pregnant and there are so many decisions to make throughout the process. These are the things my mother didnt tell me because she didnt know:
1. Health Insurance; Make the call to get private family cover, usually theres a cooling off period of twelve months so that may push you back in terms of when to pop one out; 2. Dental; No one knows why good dental hygiene is linked to successful pregnancies so book in to see your dentist now;
3. Supplements; prenatal with foliate;

4. Super foods; fish, red meat, sweet potato, broccoli, quinoa organic where possible;
5. Lower Stress & Alcohol; eliminate stress where possible and

alcohol for a few months prior to conceiving (although many babies are conceived on alcohol fuelled nights)!
6. Doctor; You need to ensure your immunizations are up-to-date;

7. OBGYN; Get a pap-smear and talk to your gynaecologist about how to proceed; 8. Budget; Redo the budget and see if you can survive off one income, because it will be like that once the baby has arrived;
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9. Friends: This is where you can start picking your friends brains already have babies, and theyll appreciate your interest and be happy to give first hand tips that books and websites cant.
Things come in threes, I am not entirely sure where this notation came from but it has been proven; three bad or three good before you either hit rock bottom, or make to the top. What about the elusive trifecta - Love, Career, and Mortgage; it is the trimester breakdown for pregnancy, give or take a few weeks. I have just encountered the rule of three for another time in my life; I am thirty-three, I just resigned from my job, I quit my competitive sports team, and my grandmother had a major stroke, but unlike previous times, I do not feel as though I have hit bottom. In fact, I feel as though I am on the cusp of something so mellifluous, so awe inspiring that my life is going to head down a completely new path. Choice is exciting and in the words of Charlotte I choose my choice!
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She generally gave herself very good advice, (though she very seldom followed it). - Lewis Carroll; Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass
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QUOTES CITED This was when I learned that you have to give up your life as you know it to get a new one: that sometimes you need to let go of everything you are clinging to and start over, whether because you have outgrown it or because it is not working anymore, or because it was wrong for you in the first place. - Kelly Cutrone; If You Have to Cry, Go Outside: And Other Things Your Mother Never Told You; Pg 51; Harper Collins 2010 Sometimes we need to stop analysing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want, and just see what happens." Candice Bushnell; Sex In The City, Episode Splat, 2004 I will not let my dress size determine my self-worth Kelloggs Special K marketing campaign Resolution, 2008 They say that alcoholics are always alcoholics, even when they are dry as my lips for years. Even when they are stranded on a small desert island with no place in two thousand miles to buy beers. And I wonder if hes different, if hes changed what hes about or is he just a liar with something to lie about? - Ani Difranco Fuel; Little Plastic Castle 1998 "They say the average 33-year-old woman has sex 3.5 times a week. I'd like to know who that woman is." Sex In The City, Episode The Drought, 1998
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"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous." Sex In The City, Episode An American Girl in Paris: Part Deux, 2004 Thats how control dramas perpetuate themselves. But remember, there is a tendency to see these dramas in others but to think that we ourselves are free from such devices. Almost all of us tend to be stuck, at least some of the time, in a drama and we have to step back and look at ourselves long enough to discover what it is. - James Redfield; The Celestine Prophecy, page 91, 1993
I cant go back to yesterday, because I was a different person then. Lewis Carol; Alice in Wonderland , 1865 In order to hold onto love, they start altering their behaviour. Thus, two people literally lose themselves in a relationship. They get into the relationship hoping to find themselves, and they lose themselves instead. They join in this partnership hoping that the whole will be greater than the sum of the parts, only to find that it is less.; less capable, less able, less exciting, less attractive, less joyful. This is because they are less; theyve give up most of who they are in order to be and to stay in their relationship." - Neale Donald Walsch; Conversations With God: An Uncommon Dialogue, pg 50, 1995
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Maybe our girlfriends are our soul mates and guys are just people to have fun with. - Candace Bushnell; Sex and the City, Episode The Agony and The Ex-tacy, 2001
"I dont want my tombstone to read, She had a great retirement plan" In A Lonely Place, 1950 "I must say I hate money, but it is the lack of it that I hate most" Katherine Mansfield "In the end what matters most is how well did you love, how well did you live, how well did you learn to let go." Chinese Proverb "Once you become the mommy or daddy in your childs world, it is the only world in which you exist, no matter how much you fancy there is a separate world of your own." Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com, 2011 She generally gave herself very good advice, (though she very seldom followed it). - Lewis Carroll; Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass, 1871
Eiko Anderson
101 | P a g e

Tumbling Down The Rabbit Hole

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Tumbling Down The Rabbit Hole

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TUMBLING DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE