Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Abusive Relationships
Abusive relationships are characterized by extreme jealousy, emotional withholding, lack of intimacy, raging, sexual coercion, infidelity, verbal abuse, threats, lies, broken promises, physical violence, power plays and control games.
Abusive patterns are part of the emotional make up of both the parties involved. Without help and outside intervention the abusive patterns will be repeated in all relationships. The emotional volatility of addicts and alcoholics also creates an abusive relationship climate.
Abuse is a family dysfunction that repeats through generations. Just as addictions pass down through generations, abusers often leave their families for a family of choice - then repeat the abusive cycle from the other side. The abused becomes the abuser and so continues the cycle
Sometimes abusive relationships are easy to identify; other times the abuse may take subtle forms. The examples shown here can help you identify traits of abusive and healthy relationships. In general, abusive relationships have a serious power imbalance, with the abuser controlling or attempting to control most aspects of life. Healthy relationships share responsibility and decision-making tasks and reflect respect for all the people in the relationship, including children.
Healthy Relationships:
Non-Threatening Behavior --Talking and acting so that your partner feels safe and comfortable doing and saying things.
Respect --Listening to your partner non-judgmentally. --Being emotionally affirming and understanding. --Valuing opinions.
Healthy Relationships:
Trust and Support
--Supporting your partners goals in life. --Respecting your partners right to his or her own feelings, friends, activities and opinions.
Healthy Relationships:
Responsible Parenting --Sharing parental responsibilities. --Being a positive, non-violent role model for children.
Shared Responsibility --Mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work. --Making family decisions together.
Abusive Relationships:
Using Intimidation --Making your partner afraid by using looks, actions, gestures. --Smashing or destroying things. --Destroying or confiscating your partner's property. --Abusing pets as a display of power and control. --Silent or overt raging. --Displaying weapons or threatening their use. --Making physical threats.
Abusive Relationships:
Using Emotional Abuse --Putting your partner down. --Making your partner feel bad about himself or herself. --Calling your partner names. --Playing mind games. --Interrogating your partner. --Harassing or intimidating your partner. --"Checking up on" your partner's activities or whereabouts. --Humiliating your partner, weather through direct attacks or "jokes". --Making your partner feel guilty. --Shaming your partner.
Abusive Relationships:
Using Isolation --Controlling what your partner does, who he or she sees and talks to, what he or she reads, where he or she goes. --Limiting your partners outside involvement. --Demanding your partner remain home when you are not with them. --Cutting your partner off from prior friends, activities, and social interaction. --Using jealousy to justify your actions.
*(Jealousy is the primary symptom of abusive relationships)
Abusive Relationships:
Minimizing, Denying and Blame Shifting --Making light of the abuse and not taking your
partners concerns about it seriously. --Saying the abuse did not happen, or wasn't that bad. --Shifting responsibility for your abusive behavior to your partner. (i.e: I did it because you ______.) --Saying your partner caused it.
Abusive Relationships:
Using Children --Making your partner feel guilty about the children. --Using the children to relay messages. --Using visitation to harass your partner. --Threatening to take the children away. Using Male Privilege --Treating your partner like a servant. --Making all the big decisions. --Acting like the "master of the castle." --Being the one to define mens and womens or the relationship's roles.
Abusive Relationships:
Using Economic Abuse --Preventing your partner from getting or keeping a job. --Making your partner ask for money. --Giving your partner an allowance. --Taking your partners money. --Not letting your partner know about or have access to family income.
Risk factors in abusive relationships-- Personality traits which are common in the partners of abusers:
Intense need for love and affection. Low self esteem. (Belief that they can't have / don't deserve better treatment.) Drug or Alcohol Dependence. A background involving physical, emotional or sexual abuse. ACOA issues (Adult Children of alcoholics / addicts.) Codependent personality disorder and / or Love addiction. Enforced isolation creating resentment. Strong need for a relationship to validate them. Gain a sense of worth by care taking the abuser.
Risk factors in abusive relationships-- Personality traits which are common in the partners of abusers:
Inability to set and enforce interpersonal boundaries. Difficulty expressing anger, tendency to internalize it, act it out in other ways. Loyalty to the abuser takes precedence over emotional or physical safety. Belief that "it will change if I just try harder." Repeated attempts to leave the relationship. Inability to follow through with leaving - return to the abuser again and again. Clinical depression, self - medication. Suicidal ideation or attempts.
Risk factors in abusive relationships-- Personality traits which are common in the abusers:
Uncontrolled temper. Extreme Jealousy. Intense fear of abandonment. A background involving physical, emotional or sexual abuse, abandonment Unrealistic expectations of a relationship. (To "fix" them or solve their problems.) Isolation and antisocial temperament. Recklessness. (dangerous sexual behavior, reckless driving, drug use etc.) Inability to accept responsibility for their behavior and actions, even in the face of dire consequences.
Risk factors in abusive relationships-- Personality traits which are common in the abusers:
Cruelty to children / animals. Threats of violence. Low self-esteem, shame. Codependent personality disorder and / or Love addiction. Inability to respect interpersonal boundaries, a compulsion to violate boundaries. Drug or Alcohol Dependence, self medication. Emotional volitility - fear of being "out of control". Need for power and control to compensate for the above. Bipolar disorder and / or Borderline Personality Disorder. Abuse generally escalates when the partner leaves.