Active Listening

Full Listening means:

Listening actively

Listening accurately

Listening for meaning

Effective Listening is:
An activity

Requires work
Effective Listeners:
Put the talker at ease.
Limit their own talking,
Are attentive.
Remove distractions.
Get inside the clients frame of reference.
Dont interrupt.
Watch for feeling words.
Are aware of body language.
Are aware of own prejudices and biases.
Inadequate Listening:
Non-listening: Going through the motions of
listening but not engaged.
Partial listening: Picks up bits and pieces.
Tape-Recorder Listening: Not about repeating
words. Clients want helper to be present
psychologically, socially, emotionally fully
present.
Rehearsing: What you are going to say, (part
of own story).
Fidgeting.
IMPORTANCE OF LISTENING
Why is listening so
important?
Empathy is essence of good listening.
Empathy can only be achieved by putting
aside our pre-occupation with self and
entering into the experience of another.
Power of empathic listening is power to
transform relationships.
Empathic listening provides clarification and
strengthens sense of self.
It hurts not to be listened
to:
We take listening for granted.
Most of us think we are better listeners than
we really are.
It is especially hurtful not to be listened to in
those relationships you count on for
understanding.
To listen is:
To pay attention
Take an interest
Care about
Take to heart / Take seriously
Validate
Acknowledge
Be moved
Appreciate
Essential Values:
Respect Foundation Value
Empathy Primary Orientation Value
Genuineness Professional Value/Honesty
Client-Empowerment Responsibility
Focused Value/Take control of their life
Bias for Action Outcome-Focused Value
Desired outcome for the person who brought
the story.
Blocks to Listening:
Comparing: I wonder could I do that
Mind Reading: making assumptions. Not
trusting what is said trying to figure out
what they are really saying.
Rehearsing: not listening. Busy preparing
your next comment.
Filtering: Listening to some things, e.g.
omitting the negative or painful.
Judging: Prejudge, boring/interesting
person/topic, write person off. (Basic Rule of
listening; judge afterwards.
Blocks to Listening:
Dreaming: Half-listening, triggers, other
associations, fantasy.
Identifying: Linking into our own
experience/story/no time to listen.
Advising: Problem solving; caught up in
seeking solutions.
Sparing: Reading to contradict;
agree/disagree.
Blocks to Listening
Contd:
Being Right: Want to prove self right; cant
listen to criticism, negative feedback.
Derailing: Changing the subject, distracting,
joking it off.
Placating/Reassuring: Yes, I know. You
want to be liked so you say the right thing;
listening but not really tuned in.
On-Off Listening: Most people think 4 times
faster than the average person can speak.
Blocks to Listening
Contd;
Open Ears: Closed-mind listening. Just to
conclusions, predict what will be said.
Glassy-Eyed Listening: Look intend, but mind
far away with own thoughts.
Too Deep for me Listening: Decide story is
too complex and complicated. Make brief
attempt to follow, then give up.
Dont Rock the Boat: Do not like to have
favourite ideas, opinions questioned. Become
defensive, switch off or attack.
ACTIVE LISTENING
Some Elements of
Speakers/Directees:
Their experiences, what they see as
happening to them;
Their behaviours, what they do or fail to do;
Their affect, the feelings and emotions that
arise from their experiences and behaviours;
The core messages in their stories;
Their points of view about key topics,
including the reasons for their points of view
and the implications for holding and given
point of view;
The decisions key are making together with
the reasons for them and the implications or
possible consequences of their decisions;
Their intentions, that is, the goals they are
pursuing and the actions they intend to
engage in;
The wider context of their stories, points of
view, decisions and intentions and
The slant they might give to all the above.
4 Requirements for True Dialogue
Turn taking interactive dialogue; mutual
learning; understanding.
Connecting connection between what client
& helper says.
Mutual influencing open-minded and open to
new learning.
Co-creating Outcomes benefits to both
parties healthy and growth filled
relationships.
Interaction in Active
Listening
Speaker Listener

Message Decodes
Send Receive
(code) message
er r

Feedback
Or
Active listening
12 Roadblocks to Active Listening

1. Ordering, directing, demanding

2. Warning, threatening
3. Preaching, moralizing
4. Advising, giving solutions
5. Lecturing, teaching, giving facts
6. Judging, criticising, blaming
7. Praising, flattering
8. Name-calling, ridiculing
9. Interpreting, analysing
10. Reassuring, sympathising
11. Probing, questioning
12. Withdrawing, diverting
SILENCES
Silence is the art of knowing when
to be quiet.
It is knowing, from attending, when it is more
important to let the person process internally
rather than verbally.
It is believing that it is not the listeners
responsibility either to be talking or to keep
the helpee talking.
Silence may be the most useful single
intervention available to the listener.
It is one of the most helpful expressions that
the listener/helper can offer to the person.

The intent of allowing silence generally is to allow people

to explore, within themselves, the issue being discussed.
The listener/helper could also intentionally
allow silence to challenge the person to come up
with a response that could grown out of the
silence. The focus of silence is always on the
helpee but is not easily differentiated between
person feelings, thought and behaviour.
Managing silence means having the ability to recognise a
constructive silence. It may take some time to feel
comfortable with silences.
Ask yourself the following
questions;
How comfortable am I with silences?
How often do I spend time by myself in
silence?
What associations do I have with silence?
Allowing silences give the space to reflect.
Awkwardness on part of listener/helper and
helpee?
People are usually nervous in the initial
sessions and a protracted silence may be
experienced as excruciatingly uncomfortable.
Learn to discern between different types of silences
a. Uncomfortable silence.
b. Silences that can lead to disclosure of feelings.
c. Silences where person gets lost in their own
thoughts, feelings or feel overawed by them.
d. Silence begins because the person is waiting for
something from the counsellor (e.g. reassurance,
confirmation that helper has been listening).
e. Emotions experienced during a silence e.g. feelings
of anger, awkwardness may help the person access
material they are avoiding or are unaware of.
Transferential material may come to the
surface.
You as listener/helper may become a punitive
parent whose mode of punishing is to distance
themselves emotionally from the offender by
means of silence.
Usually silences lead to new ground and are
more often than not constructive.
Silences can give us an opportunity to be
open to the, as yet, unknown.
Self-Disclosure
Over-discloses
Under-discloses
Appropriate self-disclosure: What is suitable,
fitting, the right amount at the right time.
Inappropriate = out of place.
Appropriate Self-
Disclosure
The right kind and right amount at the right
time.
Amount: How much information is being
disclosed?
Depth: How much time is spent disclosing
yourself?
The person talked to: To whom are you
revealing this information? (age appropriate)
The situation: Under what conditions or in what
situation are you revealing the information?
Self Disclosure and
Mental Health
Factors (amount, depth, time, the person
talked to and the situation) have been
studied.
Attempts have been made to relate them to
mental health or adjustment of the person
who does the disclosing.
Evidence reveals differences between well-
adjusted people and poorly adjusted people in
area of self-disclosure.
Well-Adjusted People;
Tend to disclose a great deal (amount) of very
personal things (depth) to a few close people
(the people talked to).
They disclose a moderate amount of
moderately personal things to other people,
e.g. ordinary friends and acquaintances, i.e.
they disclose enough to keep the relationships
going but not enough to frighten them.
Poorly Adjusted People
Tend to over-disclose or under-disclose to
practically everyone.
Have a hard time figuring out how much to
say and when to say it.
Talk about very personal things in public or
with complete strangers.
Or they say practically nothing about
themselves to anyone.
Setting up Standard
for Self-Disclosure
1. Self-disclosure should be
directed
towards reasonable goals.
Why are you disclosing yourself?
What you are trying to achieve.
e.g. Im a shy person . I find it hard talking to
strangers and talking in groups. My words get
all mixed up and I forget what I was going to
say. At times I get so scared that I cant even
join a conversation well, here I am in a group
of strangers and Im finding it difficult to get
going. I think its only fair to let you know
whats going on inside me. (group counselling
space)
self-
disclosure should be related to
your goals.

Self-disclosure will have greater impact if the

depth and the amount are related to your
goals.
E.g. To establish a close friendship or group
meeting.
3. Respect and caring should be shown in the
giving and receiving of self-disclosure.

Difficult to self-disclose to people you dont

care about or respect.
Takes place most easily in climate of trust and
support.
4. Continuing relationships call for self-
disclosure.

Appropriate if relationship has some kind of

future.
Should be difference between disclosure in
group and with best friend.
Serious relationships call for serious self-
disclosure.
5. There should be give-and-take in self-
disclosure.

If you talk personally about yourself to others,

they will tend to talk personally about
themselves to you.
Self-disclosure is inappropriate if it is one-
sided.
Person in group who doesnt self-disclose
usually ends up being ignored.
6. The timing of self-disclosure is
important.

Self-disclosure is more natural if it grows out

of the give-and-take of the groups
conversations.
Self-disclosure is not goal in itself but means
of establishing relationships.
Disclosing how you feel, at the right time, can
help group to move forward.
7. Self-disclosure should be related to the
here and now.

The here and now refers to what is

happening in this group at this time.
8. Reasonable risks with self-disclosure
should be taken.

Taking risks and creating trust in the group

are related to each other.